Light your nuts on fire.
Fuck! Fuck! My hands!
Too hot for Jonah!
I got fucking water
in my mouth!
Oh, my God!
I got to get off! I got
to get off! Got to get off!
Got to get off!
Sadie, wake up!
Oh, my gosh!
Daddy, wake up!
Okay, I'm up.
Is that my genius over here?
Is that my genius?
I need you to take the kids
to school this morning.
I would, but I'm supposed
to work out.
What?
Yeah. I got an appointment
with a trainer. I can't cancel
it now. He'll charge me.
You didn't tell me that.
Yeah, I did.
Last week I told you.
You didn't tell me.
I did. And then I wrote it
on the calendar
like you told me to.
No, you didn't tell me.
I did tell you.
Well, you didn't,
but what are we gonna do,
'cause I have an appointment?
So you're taking
the kids to school.
Don't use the baby
to cover your tracks.
I can drive them.
I'll drive them to school.
Thank you very much.
Great. Good.
You turned my sister
into a limo driver.
I don't mind.
It all worked out!
What are you giggling about?
Be quiet.
You're starting to annoy me.
Poo poo.
Ladies. Be nice.
You know what
I did the other day?
What?
I googled "murder."
You googled "murder"?
Yeah.
Why?
I mean, what did it say?
It didn't say anything.
It just showed pictures
of people lying dead
on the floor and blood
everywhere, and...
That was just ketchup.
Who wants to hear some music?
I want to hear Rent.
I want to hear Green Day!
No, we're listening to Rent!
Well, I want to listen
to Green Day.
I got your baby!
Don't taunt her. Come on.
Here.
Sadie! Why did you just
do that? Don't throw
things at your sister!
She hit me.
Did you hit her?
I did not.
Make her happy. It's okay.
It won't make her happy.
It's okay. It's okay.
She spilled all the
marbles on the floor.
Well, give her
her marble back.
All right? Are you sure
you understand
the terms of the bet?
Because this is serious.
No.
Martin, all right, listen.
You don't shave your beard
or cut your hair for one year,
and if you can do that,
I will pay your rent.
But if you shave,
then you have to pay
all five of our rents.
Thanks for
the free money, bitch.
Hey, Martin, was it weird
when you joined the Taliban,
being American
and everything like that?
Like when you see
a woman driving a car,
do you just get pissed?
Just watch your back, Serpico.
You never know
who your friends are.
Okay, all right. You guys
can't make fun of me
the whole time.
But, Martin, it's a competition.
It's called the Dirty Man Competition.
We're gonna make fun of you
until you shave the beard.
That's the rules.
That's the whole point.
You're supposed to be
tempted into shaving.
Your face looks
like Robin Williams' knuckles.
You guys aren't allowed
to make fun of me.
It's not part of the rules.
Martin, why didn't you
just listen to me when
I was explaining the rules?
You just looked
at me with that
blank stare of yours.
It was like talking
to a wax statue.
Okay, guys, are you ready?
So, "Only at
fleshofthestars.com will
customers be able to find
"exactly how long
into what movies their
favorite stars are exposed."
Nice.
Oh, fucking brilliant.
Pretty good, right?
Yeah. Yeah, ka-ching.
We're in.
All right, guys,
let start logging, all right?
Charles Manson?
Do you have
any other thoughts?
Good, awesome,
let's start this off
with a bang.
Jamie Lee Curtis. I got
an hour and 10 minutes
into Trading Places.
Both chesticles.
I got Julianne
"Red Beard" Moore.
Short Cuts, two hours,
Julianne Moore special.
She loves it.
I've seen that,
and from the look of her bush,
Short Cuts is the wrong
name for that movie.
Nice.
Nice. Nice. Well done.
Her bush looks like
the hedge maze
from The Shining but red
and without
Scatman Crothers in it.
Red Bush.
Red Bush.
So if you want that
perfect tan like the stars,
he's the one to see.
We'll be right back
on E! News. Stay with us.
Okay.
Okay, is Jessica Simpson
here yet?
Let me check. Let me see.
Is she on her way?
She's left her house?
Hey, guys?
Okay, let me know
when she's pulling in.
She's about to pull in.
Is she camera-ready?
Is she camera-ready?
If she's gonna be in hair
and makeup for three hours,
I can't do it.
I'm not gonna be here.
I got to do American Idol.
It's live. I got to do it.
I got to be there.
What are we gonna
interview her about?
Nothing personal.
No personal questions.
No personal questions.
Don't ask her about her sister
and her nose job.
No plastic surgery questions.
No plastic...
No personal questions.
She doesn't want to talk about
her boobs or her father's
comments about her boobs.
Great. We'll talk about
the Middle East and maybe
an idea of an exit strategy.
Maybe she has a good pitch.
Should I ask her about Korea?
Maybe have her point it
out to us on a globe?
I don't understand
the young talent in this town!
It doesn't make any sense.
I got four jobs.
Hell, I'm more famous
than half the people
we talk to, anyway!
No one stands up.
No one has the balls
to sit them down
and say,
"Look, just cut the shit."
But everybody works for them.
They're all on the payroll.
They're all sucking the teat!
Nobody sits them down,
eye-to-eye, one-on-one,
and says, "Cut the shit."
And all these stars
just fuck it up.
That's what they do.
They fuck my day up!
And it pisses me off.
And now I'm sweating.
Okay, you want to...
You know what?
You want us to just come
and get you
when she gets here?
You want to head to
the green room for a minute?
Just chill out? Okay.
Yeah. That's a good idea.
Want us to bring you anything?
You want some water?
You want a cookie?
Cookie, yeah, cookie. Thanks.
Okay, we'll get you a cookie.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm pissed.
What do we got?
Chocolate chip?
Allison?
Yeah.
Jack and I need
to see you in his office.
Okay.
Thanks for coming in, Allison.
Well, we wanted
to talk to you today
because we had a little debate
on the conference call
with New York about you.
You... About me?
You were talking about me?
We were wondering
aloud to one another
whether or not you would
be good for on camera.
What'd you decide?
They... They decided
that they like you,
and they would like
to put you on camera.
Really?
I know.
I was so surprised, too.
Oh, my God.
This is the best news ever.
Thank you so much.
This is great!
Congratulations.
Thank you.
I'll take that smile
as a "Yes, I'll do it."
Absolutely. I'm so excited!
Oh, my God.
It's a lot of work. Can't wait
to see what happens.
It's gonna be tough.
Tough job.
About the work,
most immediately,
there's gonna be
some things that you're
gonna be able to get...
Okay.
...that other people
in the office don't get.
One of them, gym membership.
You want me to lose weight?
No, I don't
want you to lose weight.
No. We can't legally
ask you to do that.
We didn't say lose weight.
I might say tighten.
Tight.
A little tighter?
Just like toned and smaller.
Don't make everything smaller.
I don't want to
generalize that way.
Tighter.
We don't want you
to lose weight. We just
want you to be healthy.
Okay.
You know, by eating less.
We would just like it
if you go home
and step on a scale
and write down
how much you weigh
and subtract it by, like, 20.
Twenty.
And then weigh that much.
Just remember,
you've got it here,
you've got it here
and everybody's gonna
see you right there.
Yay! That's so exciting!
Oh, my God!
Hey!
Huh?
I got a promotion.
Oh, congratulations!
Thank you.
Hey, maybe you can
get your own place now.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Yay!
Let's go celebrate.
Okay. Let's do it.
Pete'll watch the kids?
Yeah!
We can watch
Taxicab Confessions.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know!
I'm so excited!
I walked in on him
masturbating one night.
Did he get the
deer-in-the-headlights look?
Did he freeze
or did he finish?
No, he tried to pretend
like he wasn't doing
anything under the covers.
Oh, no!
I buy these nice towels,
and he whacks off into them.
Deb and Pete, forever.
And...
And once he does that
into them once,
they're never soft ever again.
I can always tell if I'm
looking good based on
whether or not we get in.
Ladies?
Guess we're looking good.
If I didn't get in,
I would've lost my shit.
What's going on, man?
How long you gonna
make us wait out here,
for Christ's sake?
What the fuck?
You know what movie I just
saw again the other day,
which is fucking, like,
mind-blowing,
and I haven't seen it
since it came out is Munich.
Oh, Munich!
Oh, man, Munich fucking rules.
Munich is awesome!
That movie was Eric Bana
kicking fucking ass!
Dude, every movie with Jews,
we're the ones getting killed.
Munich flips it on its ear.
We're capping motherfuckers.
Not only killing but fucking,
like, taking names.
If any of us get laid tonight,
it's because
of Eric Bana in Munich.
I agree with that.
I agree.
You know what is not
helping us get laid
is the shoe bomber,
Richard Reid,
over here at our table.
I don't like your shoes.
How is Burning Man this year?
Fuck you guys.
I'm glad I'm not Jewish.
So are we.
Yeah, so are we.
Yeah. Fine, screw it.
You weren't chosen
for a reason.
Yeah.
It's like everyone
in here is 12 years old.
Am I too old to be here?
What?
Am I too old to be here?
No, of course not.
Does it look weird
that I'm here?
No, not at all.
Am I hotter than
these little bitches?
Yes! You look amazing.
Guys in here would
fuck me, right?
Yes.
That's weird to say,
but it makes me feel better.
You look hot.
Okay. I believe you.
Okay. I'm getting us drinks.
Okay.
Yo, a beer over here, please?
You're gonna be embarrassed
when you realize
I'm Wilmer Valderrama.
God.
Hey, hey! Excuse me!
He's literally ignoring
this entire half of the bar.
Don't even bother.
Yeah, awesome.
A beer over here, please?
He looked at us!
Did you see that?
Yeah, that was rough.
Oh, my God. And if
you can't get service,
what am I gonna do, you know?
Great. It's gonna be
that night.
Okay, you want a beer?
Yeah, just...
Well, I'm... Watch this.
Okay? Just observe.
There you go.
Come on, man.
Here you go. For your trouble.
Thank you. There you go.
Thank you.
Okay, enjoy it.
Are you sure?
I am sure.
I tried that once before
at the Comedy Store,
and I got punched in the ear.
Thanks a lot.
Oh, fuck, fuck!
I'm supposed
to get one for my sister.
Oh, here, take mine.
No, that's okay. I'll wait.
Please, I very rarely
look cool. This is a big
moment for me. Just take it.
Thank you. Awesome.
No problem.
I'm Allison.
I'm Ben.
Well, have a great night.
Yeah, you, too.
Thanks for the beer.
Okay, enjoy, be nice to them.
Bye. Thanks again.
I'll see you.
No, I'll see you later.
No, I won't
'cause I'm a pussy.
What's up, Ben?
That girl. She totally
gave me an opening, man,
and I locked up.
I just want to get
shit-faced tonight,
though, you know.
I'll just jerk it later.
It's cool.
Are you fucking crazy, man?
She looks smart.
Who's that she's sitting with?
It's her sister.
Her sister?
Yeah.
Dude, it's the dream.
What are we doing
standing here, man?
Let's go. Come on, follow me.
You stay here. Stay here.
Why?
Because your face
looks like a vagina.
Dick!
Hey, which one's
the sister?
Hey, Crockett,
you still partying
with Tubbs these days?
Come on, man. I'm getting
it from all angles here.
I don't like it anymore.
I know. I don't, either.
Was it weird when you changed
your name from Cat Stevens
to Yusuf Islam?
Yeah, it was really awkward.
All right, man.
I got to take off.
See you, Scorsese-on-coke.
What's that?
Chewbacca.
You know, it's Chewie.
Oh, another beard joke.
Fuck.
Fucking hilarious!
Hey.
Hey.
Hi, this is my friend, Jason.
I just wanted to see
how my beers were doing.
This is my sister, Debbie.
Oh, hi, I'm Ben.
Hi. Ben?
Yes.
Nice to meet you.
How you doing?
Good, how are you?
Just trying not to stare.
She's married.
Why do you have to say that?
What?
It's a shame.
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
She has two kids, too.
Shut up!
What? It's nothing
to be ashamed of.
You think that's gonna
stop him from hitting on her?
It's not at all.
I love kids.
Really?
Yeah, absolutely.
Excuse me.
Hello?
Cool phone.
Yeah, she's got
a really cool phone.
What? Is it a rash,
or is it the chicken pox?
I don't know! Google it.
Okay. All right, bye.
I got to go. Sadie might
have the chicken pox.
I had the chicken pox
three times.
I have no immunity to it.
We don't have the heart
to tell him it's herpes.
It's not herpes
if it's everywhere.
Are you coming?
You know, I'm all dressed,
so I'll just hang out.
Really?
Yeah, I'll take a cab home.
Okay. Be safe.
I will. Yeah.
Bye, lovely.
Bye.
All right, I'm gonna let you
two get to know each other.
Cheers.
Cheers.
To you.
No, no. You know, the, like,
Entertainment News channel?
E!
E!
Dude, I think he's doing
the dice thing too much.
That's really all he's got.
I love your curly hair!
It's so great.
Do you, like,
use a product or anything?
No, that's...
I use Jew, it's called.
You wanna get out of here?
Yeah, let's go.
You wanna come back
and hang out at my place?
Yes.
Yeah. Wicked.
I'll show you
my audition tape.
It's really funny.
Okay, I'm really
excited to watch that.
Let's go.
We could get a cab up,
this way. For sure.
This is a big yard.
Let's go swimming right now.
Let's just do that.
I know. It feels so right.
That's right.
Oh, man. Oh, man.
You're prettier than I am.
A lot.
Do you have a condom?
I do.
Okay.
In my pants. I have a condom.
Okay. Okay.
I'll get it.
Come on.
Hurry up.
Stupid fucker.
What are you doing?
I almost got it.
Just give me a second.
Oh, God, just do it already!
Okay.
Oh, great. Okay.
God.
Oh, that's great!
Good thing I'm drunk.
This is lasting forever.
Yeah, it's awesome.
I just doubled my record time.
Oh, yeah. You did.
I'm sorry,
I'm sweating on you.
Okay, just stop talking.
Fuck off, Martin.
I said, fuck off, Martin.
Hi.
Oh. Hey.
Hey.
I'm naked.
Yeah.
Did we have sex?
Yes.
Nice.
What time is it?
Why the fuck are we awake?
Let's go back to sleep.
I have to go to work.
Really?
Do you need to get
to work or anything?
No, I'm... No work today.
Do you wanna get breakfast?
Okay.
Morning.
Good morning, Allison.
I'm Ben.
What's happening, man?
Ben.
How's it going?
Ah, to be young.
Stop it.
You stop it.
Okay, see you later.
All righty.
See you later. Enjoy the day.
Never do what they did.
I'm gonna do it.
You are? Uh-oh. Someone's
getting home-schooled.
I just yacked something nasty.
I feel way better, though.
I think that's like
the secret. Like you gotta...
I mean, once you're hung-over,
you just gotta puke.
It feels so... Did you puke?
No.
You can. I won't think
it's gross or anything.
Oh, that's okay, I'm fine.
Okay.
I just need some coffee, so...
You know, the best thing
for a hangover is weed.
Do you smoke...
Do you smoke weed?
Not really.
You don't?
No.
At all?
Mmm-mmm.
Like in the morning?
No, I just don't.
You know, it's like...
It is like the best medicine.
Because it fixes everything.
Jonah broke his elbow once.
He just got high,
and it still clicks,
but, I mean, he's okay.
Right.
Yeah.
Last night was great,
what I remember of it.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, no, it was fun.
We had a great time.
Yeah.
So what do you do?
I work at E!
The television channel?
Uh-huh.
Remember?
Wow!
We had this
conversation last night.
I told you about my promotion.
I was out celebrating it.
No?
No.
I don't remember that at all.
Yeah. I'm super
excited about it.
I'm actually doing my first
on-air interview today, so...
With who?
Matthew Fox.
Matthew Fox from Lost?
Yeah.
You know what's interesting
about him?
What?
Nothing.
What?
Will you tell him
he's an asshole for me?
No.
Someone needs to.
Like who gives a shit?
Well, I hope a lot of people,
actually, because that's
what my job entails
is making sure people care
what he has to say.
I'm interviewing him.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe
I just don't give a shit.
I'm just saying
he deserves a beat-down.
Actually, it's sort
of embarrassing
to ask at this point,
but what do you do for work?
Me and my roommates
have started a... We're
starting an Internet website.
Oh, cool. What is it?
I'll give you the virtual
experience, okay? How's that?
You're at your computer.
Mmm-hmm.
Who's an actress you like?
Mary Tyler Moore?
No.
That does not work at all.
No?
No.
Okay.
Let's say you love Meg Ryan.
I do.
Great. Who doesn't?
Yeah.
Let's say you like her so much
you wanna know every movie
where she shows her tits.
And not just that,
but how long into that
movie she shows her tits.
You come to our
web page exclusively.
Type in "Meg Ryan." Bam!
In the Cut, 38 minutes in,
like an hour and 10 minutes...
She's, like, naked
that whole fucking movie.
She does full frontal
in that movie.
Wow.
They should've called her
Harry, not Sally.
Really.
I'll show it to you.
I'll show you Meg Ryan's bush.
Okay.
Cool.
Yeah, I actually need
to get going, so...
Well, could...
Can I get your number?
I mean, I don't...
We had fun, right?
We should hook up again.
I'm gonna give you my card
'cause that'll be
the best way to...
Well, I mean, if you want
to contact me, I don't have
a cell, right now,
because of
payment complications.
But, I mean, you can e-mail me
at the web page. I check...
It's just Ben
at flesh-of-the-stars,
one word, dot-com.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay.
So, awesome.
All right, then.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah. Okay.
Bye. Take care.
See you.
Bye!
That was fucking brutal.
Yeah, that was brutal.
It was a huge mistake.
What's a mistake?
Nothing. Nothing that we need
to talk about right now.
Why did you do it?
Aunty Allison drank
too much chocolate milk.
And I was feeling weird
because of that.
And I made a...
I think that's enough.
Okay.
Did he wear a condom?
Yes.
Thank God.
Do you think
you'll do it again?
No, no way.
She was totally
repulsed by me.
What?
She just really
didn't seem to like me.
Like, she wasn't laughing at my jokes.
I mean, I'm like a funny guy.
Fucking funny as balls.
Hilarious, man.
I'm giving her the A shit.
Nothing. She thought our
web page was a bad idea.
What?
That fucking stuck-up bitch.
Yeah, I think so, too.
I think it's awesome
that you had sex with her.
If a goofy guy like you
had sex with her, I feel like
I had sex with her also.
I was so drunk.
I just wish I remembered it.
Hi, I'm Allison Scott.
And we're here today with
James Franco from Spider-Man.
How are you?
Great, great.
Thanks for coming.
Of course.
Tell me, were you
a big fan of the...
I'm sorry,
let me take that again.
Okay.
Tell me, were you a big fan
of the comic books growing up?
No, actually,
I didn't read any of
the comic books until
I got the movie and then...
Are you okay?
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, just what about
the comic books?
Just keep talking.
Like I said,
I really wasn't into them,
but now that I did
the research, I think they're
pretty amazing, like...
Shit.
What the fuck?
Is that the sound
of you puking?
If this is one of those
fucking joke shows,
I'm not into it.
We should put this on YouTube.
Shut up.
This is hilarious.
You're an asshole.
Look how sweaty you are.
You look like Dom DeLuise.
I don't need to see it again.
It's gonna make me throw up.
You look like
Jabba the Hutt dying.
You're such an asshole.
I'm just jerking your chain.
I'll fix this. No problem.
Yeah, maybe if you can just
edit this out, and we can...
We can reshoot my questions.
What's up?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Over here.
Not on the mix board,
not on the mix board, here.
Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you sick?
I don't know.
What'd you eat?
I haven't eaten today yet.
You haven't...
Do you have, like,
a napkin or something?
Here, here.
What, do you have,
like, the flu?
I don't know.
God, I hope
you're not pregnant.
It's impossible. You have
to have sex to get pregnant.
B.K. It's Brent Master Five.
Allison just puked.
Dude, that's what I said.
She's probably
pregnant, right?
Oh, shit.
How does she look right now?
She looks like
she just realized
that she's pregnant.
No, I can't be
pregnant. Right?
I mean that was, what?
Eight weeks ago?
When was that?
Mmm-hmm.
Did you miss your period?
No. Wait.
I don't know.
Shit. I don't know.
I can't remember.
I was... I mean, I've been
really stressed at work.
I can't remember
my last period.
Are you the lady who doesn't
realize she's pregnant
till she's sitting
on the toilet
and a kid pops out?
Can you not joke right now?
Don't joke right now.
This is really serious.
Did I meet him?
Yeah. You know, he was
kind of like medium height,
sort of chubby.
Blonde, curly hair. Remember?
With the man-boobs.
Yes.
Here, I have this thing
of him on my phone.
I just watched it.
Hey! I live in your phone!
Oh.
This is the best
night of my life.
I gotta pee.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
How did this happen?
Oh, shit.
Well, there's only
one way to find out.
They're here!
Here they are! Over here!
Oh, no.
Okay, here we are.
Okay.
Okay. All right.
Here.
Oh, no. Give me more!
Give me a few more!
Did you try the Ova-Sure?
I'm dripping,
I'm dripping. Wait.
Oh, good! A smiley face!
Oh, I think that's bad.
How long does this one take?
These can't all be positive.
Let me try one.
God, you really had to pee.
What is this?
What the hell is this?
I think you picked up
the wrong one.
Oh, fuck.
That scared me.
That would suck. I'm sorry.
That scared me.
It's gonna be fine. Right?
Right?
Of course it will be fine.
It's gonna be fine.
You just need to call him.
Maybe I don't need to call him
until after I see the doctor.
You need to call.
I don't want to call him.
I don't need to call him.
You should call.
I can't call him anyway.
He doesn't even have a phone.
He didn't even have
a number to give me.
He doesn't have a phone?
Said he had some
kind of billing issue.
He can't afford a phone?
Sadie has a phone.
Oh, shit, you're right.
I got to call.
I don't know. I'm gonna
have to look him up
on his stupid website.
What kind of website
does he have?
He spelled "coming"
wrong. Oh, it's cum...
Yeah.
Oh, that's gross.
Just go to "Contact Us."
Ben?
Yeah.
"What is your number?
I need to speak
with you right away."
Send?
Yep.
You're sure?
Yeah.
I love weed.
I could smoke weed
every second of every day.
Jay, I am your stoner.
Hey, Benjamin?
Yeah.
Flesh of the Stars
just got an e-mail.
Really?
Would you like me
to read it to you?
Yeah, sure.
"Ben, what is your number?
"I need to speak to you
right away. Allison Scott."
Oh! Shit!
Someone wants seconds, mama!
Oh, man!
"Looking forward
to speaking with you."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do one of those
smiley faces at the end.
Fucking-A. Those are sexy.
Sent.
Somebody wants another piece!
Booty-booty call.
Yeah, hello?
Hi.
Hey, Ben, this is...
This is Allison. I don't know
if you remember me.
Oh, yeah, Allison. What's up?
She like the way
your dick tastes.
Yeah, I actually was
just wondering if maybe you
wanted to get together,
like tomorrow night?
I've been meaning
to call you so we could,
like, hook up again.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, cool.
Let's meet up maybe
tomorrow night? You wanna
just grab some dinner?
Yeah. Why not?
Meeting of minds sounds good.
What do you say Geisha House,
Hollywood, 9:00?
Sure, sure. That's cool.
Can we make it
more like 6:00, though?
I'd like to keep it early.
Yeah, leaves
more time for afterwards.
Dessert. Sweet.
Okay, great.
So, yeah. I'll just meet
you there, then, at 6:00.
Yeah.
I'll see you there.
Okay, take care. Peace.
Oh, shit.
I'm gonna get laid,
motherfucker!
Yes! Yes!
Nice place, huh?
Yeah,
it's really nice.
Sorry it took so long to
get a table. I didn't realize
you needed a reservation.
Oh, no, that's okay.
So how's work?
Great.
How's E!?
Great.
That's awesome.
Do you know Vince Vaughn?
Have you ever met him?
No.
I really feel like
we'd get along well. I just...
He seems like a fun guy.
I feel like we'd, like,
hang together well.
Mmm-hmm.
I feel like he'd like me.
I'm sure a lot of guys
are like, "Oh, I'd like
to hang out with that celeb",
but I really think he would
want to hang out with me,
is like the cool thing.
I'm sure he would. Yeah.
You look very pretty, though.
Thanks.
By the way.
Yeah, I just thought...
I don't know, I thought
maybe it'd be cool
to hang out
a little bit and...
We didn't really get
to talk that much
last time, so I thought...
That we didn't.
I thought maybe we'd
just talk and get to know
each other better.
Cool. Okay.
I'll start. I'm Canadian.
Oh, that's cool.
From Vancouver. I live
here illegally, actually.
Don't tell anyone.
But it works out
in my advantage,
I think, ultimately,
'cause I don't have
to pay any taxes.
So financially that's helpful
'cause I don't have
a lot of money.
You know, I mean,
I'm not poor or anything,
but I eat a lot of spaghetti.
So, you know, the web page
or whatever is just something
that you guys do for fun?
Do you have a real job?
Well, that is our job.
Oh.
We don't technically get money
for the hours we put in,
but it is our job.
So, how do you... Right.
How do I pay rent and shit?
When I was in high school,
I got ran over
by a postal truck.
Oh, my God.
It just kind of...
It was my foot
more than anything.
But I got like 14 grand from
the British Columbia government.
Right.
And that really lasted me.
I mean, until now.
It's been almost 10 years.
I have like 900 bucks left.
So that should last me for,
like, I mean, I'm not
a mathematician,
but like another
two years or some shit.
I think.
Yeah.
So I have something
I really need to tell you.
It's kind of why I called you.
Here goes. Um...
I'm pregnant.
Fuck off.
What?
What?
I'm pregnant.
With emotion?
With a baby.
You're the father.
I'm the father?
Yes.
How the fuck
could this happen?
I don't know.
I don't know. I mean,
I thought you were
wearing a condom.
No.
What?
I wasn't.
Why not?
Because you told me not to.
What are you talking about?
What am I talking about?
You told me not to.
I did not tell you
not to wear a condom.
Here's what happened, okay?
I will give you a play-by-play
of my memory.
I almost had
the condom on my dick.
It was on the cusp,
and then you said,
"Just do it, already."
I didn't mean do it
without a condom.
I meant "do it"
like "hurry up,"
like "Get fucking going!"
Well, I assumed
you were wearing a patch,
or like a dental dam
or one of those
fucking butterfly clips
or something like that.
What the hell is a dental dam?
It's like Saran Wrap!
It's disgusting, okay?
But I thought you had one.
Why the fuck didn't you
stop me once we started?
I don't know! I couldn't tell
that you didn't have one on!
Obviously, I was drunk!
Was your vagina drunk?
Did you think
it's the thinnest condom
on earth I have on?
I'm a fucking inventor?
I made a dick-skin condom?
He hollowed out
a penis and put it on?
What the fuck?
You are unbelievable.
Okay, you know what? Maybe
I've reacted unfavorably.
So what happens now?
I don't know how this works.
I am going to
the doctor next week,
and I thought you could
come with me
to the gynecologist.
So you haven't seen him,
though?
No.
So you don't know
if you're pregnant.
Well, I'm not 100% sure.
You're not 100% sure.
I bet you're not pregnant.
No, they're not.
No, they're all in the bag.
They're in the bag.
Allison Scott?
Yeah. Come on.
I'm supposed to come?
Yes.
Hello. My name is
Thomas Pellagrino.
I'm... I'm Ben Stone.
Hi, there, champ.
Nice to meet you.
And you must be
Debbie's sister.
Yeah.
Alice.
Allison. Hi.
Hi. How are you?
Good.
So, what can
I help you with today,
Mr. and Mrs. Stone?
I took a home pregnancy test,
and it said I was pregnant,
so here we are.
Okay. Let's have a look.
Legs up.
Nice office.
Thank you.
Well, you do look
a lot like your sister.
This is gonna be cold.
And you're next.
Okay, there is
the cervix and the uterus.
See that?
That dark sac there,
that's the amniotic sac.
And right there
in the middle is the embryo.
Do you see that flicker?
You know what that is?
Yeah, that's a heartbeat.
Yeah, it looks like
you are pregnant.
About eight or nine weeks,
I'd say.
Congratulations.
That... That's it?
Yep.
Take good care of it.
Now the fun part starts.
Let me... Let me make
a picture for you, huh?
That'll be fun.
Okay. Well, I'II...
I'll meet you in my office.
Okay.
I'll give you
a little time alone, there.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
I can't fucking believe
you didn't wear a bag!
Who does that?
Why did we go to Costco
and buy a year's supply
of condoms
if you weren't gonna
use them, man?
I can't believe you did this.
You fucked everything up.
Look, the real point
is not to get yourself
in this position.
That's what
you have to realize.
You gotta know
all the tricks.
Like, for example,
if a woman's on top,
she can't get pregnant.
It's just gravity.
Well, that's true.
Everyone knows that.
What goes up must come down.
I think it's awesome that
you're gonna have a kid, man.
Think about it like this.
It's just an excuse to play
with all your old toys again.
You know what
I think you should do?
Take care of it.
Tell me you don't want him
to get an "A" word.
Yes, I do, and I won't say it
for little Baby Ears
over there,
but it rhymes
with "Shma-shmortion."
I'm just saying...
Hold on, Jay, cover your ears.
You should get
a shma-shmortion
at the shma-shmortion clinic.
Ben, you cannot let
these monsters have
any part of your child's life.
All right? I'm gonna be
there to rear your child.
You hear that, Ben?
Don't let him near the kid.
He wants
to rear your child!
I just have a quick question.
Do you use that Canadian
flag tattoo as a cum target
of some sort?
How many points do you get if you hit
the leaf? Like a million?
Jonah, I am a patriot.
This is a tribute to my
country and my countrymen.
I always aim right.
Right into a dude's ass.
Please, guys.
Ben, come on, man.
I'm just kidding you.
Oh, great. Now he's upset.
I won't let him do it.
Allison, just take care of it.
Take care of it. Move on.
What's gonna happen
with your career?
How are you gonna tell them?
I'm not gonna tell them
for a while.
I have a while
before I have to say anything.
How could you not tell them?
They're not gonna know.
I mean, I'm only gonna start
to show when I'm like,
I don't know,
six months or something.
Seven months.
Three months.
No.
Three months. Fat in the face,
jowls, fat ass.
Debbie didn't get fat.
Debbie is a freak of nature.
Mom, you know,
it's important to me
that you be supportive.
I cannot be supportive
of this. This is a mistake.
This is a big, big mistake.
Now, think about
your stepsister.
Now, you remember
what happened with her?
She had the same
situation as you,
and she had it taken care of.
And you know what?
Now she has a real baby.
Honey, this is not the time.
I'm gonna be a grandfather.
You happy about that?
Absolutely. Delighted.
This is a disaster.
No, this is not a disaster.
It is...
An earthquake is a disaster.
Your grandmother
having Alzheimer's so bad
she doesn't even know
who the fuck I am,
that's a disaster.
This is a good thing.
This is a blessing.
I have a vision
for how my life would go,
and this definitely is not it.
Wait. Is this your vision?
Are you living
your vision right now?
I am kind of living
my vision, yeah.
Well, that is sad,
I'm telling you.
Life doesn't care
about your vision. Okay?
Stuff happens.
You just got to deal with it.
You roll with it.
That's the beauty of it all.
I just don't get how I tell
the kid not to do drugs
when I do drugs.
I'll feel like a hypocrite.
Well, remember what I told you
when you were a teenager?
What did you say?
I said,
"No pills, no powders."
That's right, that's right.
Right. If it grows
in the ground,
it's probably okay.
I mean, I guess it worked.
Like you told me not
to smoke pot all those years,
and then I found out
you were smoking pot
that whole time.
Not the whole time.
Just in the evenings
and all day every weekend.
Not that much.
Honestly, though,
when you look at me
do you not think at all, like,
"You know,
if he just never existed,
"I would have avoided
a massive heap of trouble,"
you know?
Absolutely not.
I love you totally
and completely.
You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you?
Yeah.
Now I just feel bad for you.
Hello?
Hi. Ben?
Oh. Hey, Allison.
How's it going?
Good, good.
You know,
I was just calling to...
To let you know that I've
decided to keep the baby.
I'm keeping it.
Oh.
Yeah. So, that's
what's happening with that.
Good. That's good. That's what
I was hoping you'd do.
So, awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, it is good.
Okay, I know
we didn't plan this,
and, you know,
neither of us really thought
it was gonna happen,
but life is like that,
you know,
you can't plan for it.
And even if we did plan,
life doesn't care about
your plans, necessarily.
And you just kind of have
to go with the flow and,
you know,
I know my job is to just
support you in whatever
it is you wanna do,
and, I'm in, you know.
So whatever you wanna do,
I'm gonna do,
you know. It's...
I'm on board. Yay!
I really appreciate
you saying that.
No problem.
You know, so I'll tell you,
you know, maybe if you could
help me by telling me, like,
one thing that I am
supposed to do,
then that would be good,
because I literally have
no idea whatsoever.
I have no idea, either.
So, do you want to, like,
get together and talk about it
or something like that?
Yeah, sure.
Like a date? I mean...
Yeah.
Hey.
Hi.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
No problem. Come on in.
Everyone,
this is Allison.
Hi.
Ally. Hey. Jason,
I'm sure you remember.
Yes.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Your body's responding
really well to the pregnancy.
Thank you.
It's amazing
how fast the milk arrives.
Oh.
How's your sis?
She's good.
Oh, good. Tell her,
"What's up?" for me.
Okay.
All right, I'm gonna go make
a protein shake.
And this beautiful
young man is Jonah.
Hi.
Hey.
Okay, that's Martin
and Jodi over there.
Hi.
I'm gonna grab my shirt.
Just take a seat if you want.
Okay.
Cool.
You are scared, aren't you?
Just another day
at the office.
Uh-huh.
Do you have
any acting experience?
No. Uh-huh.
How's it going?
You wanna toke?
No. I'm good.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Jodi.
Yeah, hi.
I heard you were pregnant.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, aren't you scared?
The way it's gonna
come out of your...
It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet.
Your vagina...
That's so sick.
I don't know.
Are you hungry?
No, I'm okay right now.
Thank you.
You must be angry
at the baby whenever
it steals your food, huh?
"Oh, it's mine, not yours."
But, you know,
because you're family,
you got to share.
Right.
Man, my balls are shaved.
My pubes are trimmed.
I'm ready to fucking
rock this shit.
What the fuck, man?
If I go in there and see
fucking pubes sprinkled
on the toilet seat,
I'm gonna fucking
lose my mind!
Last time I went
to the bathroom, Jay,
I took a shit and my shit looked
like a fucking stuffed animal!
You're embarrassing me
in company.
You embarrass yourself.
Oh, great. I hope you have
a great evening!
All right. Let's go.
Okay.
See you guys later.
The funny thing is I really
had never even thought
about having a baby.
Yeah.
I mean, if this
hadn't happened,
I don't think I would have
wanted to have a baby for like,
I don't know,
at least 10 years.
At least!
God, I mean, honestly,
I just got used to the, like,
notion that someone would even
have sex with me.
I didn't think
this would happen.
Get ready.
This will be coming out of you
in seven months.
This is exactly what
our baby will look like.
It's a beautiful picture, Ben.
It is. It's not bad.
Hello, Mommy.
Our baby's gonna be
French-Canadian.
With a little hint
of Spanish.
Exactly. I'm not good
with accents, but...
Baby books.
Awesome.
"What to Expect
When You're Expecting. "
What can we expect?
Well, you can't eat sushi.
You can't smoke.
You can't smoke marijuana.
You can't smoke crack.
You can't jump on trampolines.
This is basically a giant list
of things you can't do.
Yeah, it sounds thrilling.
I'm gonna be sitting there
on the trampoline
smoking crack.
And you're not gonna have
anything to do.
You're gonna be bored.
But I can't wait
to read these, honestly.
Seriously, I put these
in front of my toilet, though,
they'll be read
by tomorrow morning.
Do you want me
to get you that?
Yeah.
You like it?
Yeah, thank you.
No problem.
These are heavy.
So what do you think?
Should we have sex tonight?
Sounds awful.
I'm just really constipated.
Do you really want to?
Well, now...
Shut up.
It's pretty crazy,
your sister's pregnant.
We have to help her.
I think they'll be fine.
Look at us. It happened to us.
We'll help her raise the baby.
Well...
Fuck!
At least we don't have
to use a condom, you know?
But we can. I don't...
I brought some
just in case. I don't...
I don't have VD or anything.
I mean, I don't, I thought...
It's not that.
You know, it's just...
I thought maybe we could get
a little fun out of
your situation, you know?
Okay, first of all,
it's not my situation.
It's our situation.
I know, of course,
I know that.
And just because I'm pregnant,
I'm not some ruined woman
and all romance
goes out the door.
Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
It's just...
I like you a lot.
That's all this is. That's...
I like you, too.
Sweet.
A little, so far.
I mean, we have seven months
before the baby comes.
We don't have to rush it.
Yeah.
We should really just try
to get to know each other
and give this a real shot.
You know, we got ourselves
into this situation.
We kind of have to.
For the baby, right?
Exactly.
Okay, if this was our second
date, what would you do?
B.J., if I'm just being
honest, I would probably...
I told my roommates
I thought I was gonna
get a B.J., so...
You know what?
For the sake of getting
to know one another,
can you not talk like that?
Yeah, I can do that.
I'm... I'm really nervous.
I'm nervous, too.
I'm really nervous.
Yeah.
You're a sweet guy, right?
I think I am. Yeah.
Don't fuck me over, okay?
I wouldn't do that.
Just so you know,
I'm the guy girls fuck over.
I'm that guy.
So you don't fuck me over.
Okay?
Okay.
I couldn't take it.
I can't raise this baby alone.
Who's he?
I'm Ben Stone.
He's my boyfriend.
That's nice.
I've never met him before.
Well, he's a new boyfriend.
But a boyfriend.
So he came over
for breakfast because
he's your new boyfriend?
Yeah.
He came from his house.
Drove over to our house
because he thought
it would be fun
to have breakfast with us,
so he drove his car
from his house to our house
to have breakfast.
Because he likes
breakfast so much.
I love breakfast.
You guys wanna hear something neat?
We're gonna have a baby together.
What?
Yeah, a baby.
Well, you're not married.
Aren't you supposed
to be married to have a baby?
You don't have to be.
But they should be
because they love each other,
and people who love each other
get married and have babies.
Mmm-mmm.
Do you love each other?
Yes, they love each other.
Because that's what you do.
When you love each other,
you get married
and have a baby.
Where do babies come from?
Where do you think
they come from?
Well, I think a stork,
he drops it down,
and then a hole goes
in your body,
and there's blood everywhere,
coming out of your head,
and then you push
your belly button,
and then your butt falls off,
and then you hold your butt
and you have to dig,
and you'll find a little baby.
That's exactly right.
Feed the teddy bear.
Okay, I feed
your bear the grass?
Okay.
You know what your bear
would also like
to do with some grass?
Smoke it.
What do you think of him?
He's funny, right?
Mmm-hmm.
Fetch.
All right, bring it back.
He's playing fetch
with my kids.
He's treating my kids
like they're dogs.
No, he's not.
Go get it! Fetch!
Who plays fetch
with kids?
He's trying.
He's making an effort.
Bring it back.
He's overweight.
Where does that end?
How old is he?
Looks 33.
He can barely get in and out
of that little house.
Imagine how much bigger
he's gonna get.
That means he has bad genes.
Your kid is gonna
be overweight.
Shit.
I'm gonna get you!
I'm gonna get...
Just give him a break.
Okay. I'll try.
They seem to love bubbles.
Oh, God. They go
ape shit over bubbles.
They're really going ape shit.
I mean, that's an incredible
thing about a child.
I mean, what's so great
about bubbles?
They float. You can pop them.
I mean, I get it. I get it.
I wish I liked anything as much
as my kids like bubbles.
That's sad.
It's totally sad.
Their smiling faces just
point out your inability
to enjoy anything.
Am I gonna be okay, man?
Oh, who knows?
Is anybody okay? I'm not okay.
You're asking the wrong guy.
Just don't ask me to lend you
any money, you know?
Can I just have some?
No.
I have 15 years
of tennis lessons.
And 12 years
of sucking dick lessons.
So?
I can't ref the next games,
by the way.
I got to go meet
gynecologists with Allison.
She doesn't like
her gynecologist.
You think she likes you?
She's trying to.
She's entertaining
the idea of liking you.
Exactly. I'll take that.
Yeah, well, see,
she's bringing you
to the gynaechiatrist.
She must like you.
Yeah. Pretty good, I think.
You know who
I'd like to get pregnant,
is that Felicity Huffman, man.
Ever since Transamerica, I can't
get her out of my mind.
Okay, guys. I hate to
crack the whip,
but it's kind of
business meeting time.
I need moolah.
When do you think
we can launch this site?
Jeez.
Look, man. You can't rush this.
You know what happens
to these sites when they go up
and they don't function well?
They die.
Seriously, guys, let's say
I want to launch today.
Let's start. Let's use that
as a jumping off point.
Let's make this happen.
What can we do?
Look, man, I didn't go
to Yale so I could work
I thought you went
to Santa Monica City College.
I went where I went, Jason.
I'm not asking you
to work 12 hours a day.
I mean, you guys watch movies
without nudity in them.
I'll tell you what, man.
We could probably
get it online in three months.
Thank you. Yes! Three months.
Come on, Jason!
Fuck off!
Yeah, well, you still have
a little dick, Cartman.
Do you have mints?
Yeah, right there.
I see what you're saying.
Totally.
I don't get how
you're comfortable
with any of these guys
when they're doing
what they're doing to you.
First guy...
Oh, there that shit is.
I've been looking for that.
The first guy,
when he put his finger in,
he gave me this look like,
"Sorry, man, it's the job"
and I'm like, "Don't look
at me when your finger's..."
I mean, get in and get out.
Get on with your day,
you know?
That's the closest
I'll ever come to being
in a threesome, I think.
Really?
If you had to do a threesome
with me and one
of my other roommates,
who would it be?
Um...
I'm gonna have to go with Jay.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Jay?
I'm really turned on by his
sort of skinny awkwardness
and his hot little Mohawk.
His Mohawk.
You two are never allowed to be in
the same room ever again.
If we ever had a three-way
with Jay, you turn around,
he'd be sucking my dick.
I'm telling you right now.
Do you smoke cigarettes?
No.
Do you smoke cigarettes?
I have on occasion.
On occasion? When? When was
the last time you had one cig?
You know, one, you know, little...
I need to know,
or I will not be your doctor.
How you doing?
I'm breathing like James
Gandolfini over here.
Slow down, man.
You're making me look
like a jackass.
How long you kids
been married?
We're not.
No.
You're single?
She's not single.
She's just not married.
Are you two together?
Hey, you wanna
trade boyfriends?
Just kidding. Kind of.
That is not your vagina.
That's your asshole.
That happens
about five times a day.
Are you sure you don't
wanna come paintballing?
Have fun, guys. Seriously.
Watch the eyes.
See you, guys.
See you, Ally. Bye.
I don't wanna go.
I swear to God.
I wanna see Breathless
at the LACMA.
Boobs! Boobs, boobs, boobs!
Hold on, pause it,
pause it, pause it.
Boobs and bush!
Boobs and bush.
Good boobs.
Those are good ones!
We're like
Right in
the beginning credits.
Credit bush.
You never get
opening credit bush.
I know. That's so crazy.
No.
You got me.
You got me.
How many doctors are there
in your practice?
Just 'cause I'm sort of
looking for a more
personal experience.
I wanna make sure
that you're my doctor
on the day, and...
Yeah, I understand.
We have three other doctors
in the practice,
but I'm your man, okay?
I don't take vacations.
I hate Hawaii.
I went to the Caribbean
when I was 14,
and I'm never going back.
I feel really good about this.
I think we found our doctor.
Really?
Yeah.
All right.
Are you serious right now?
Yeah.
Wow.
You look relieved.
I am very relieved.
I can't imagine meeting
any more of you people.
You're being dramatic.
We didn't meet that many.
Do they know?
Pardon?
The belly.
Oh, yeah. The donuts,
they call to me.
Hey, Allison. Great job.
Thanks.
You're pregnant, aren't you?
What?
I mean, you've put on like,
eight pounds, nine.
It's all in your uterus.
Oh, shit.
I haven't told them.
Do you think
they're gonna be mad?
I'm, like, really
chickening out about this.
It's okay. We can hide this.
We'll dress you in black,
and we'll emphasize
your boobs.
Awesome.
I mean, your boobs
are gonna be big.
And then they're
gonna be, like, scary big.
But then they'll go down.
And then they'll stay down.
Just... Just don't
say anything, okay?
Please don't say anything.
Oh, no, I won't, I won't.
Just tell them. They'll be cool.
Everybody loves
somebody pregnant.
Did you see
this sex offender website?
These are all the sex
offenders in our neighborhood.
Looks like your computer
has chicken pox.
Those are sex offenders.
These people live
in our neighborhood.
Well, I'll skip their houses
when we're trick-or-treating.
What do you want me to do?
Form a posse?
Got your six-shooter on you?
I got my lynching rope.
You shouldn't take it
so lightly.
I don't take it lightly.
You know, I'm not gonna
go over to any of these
people's houses and say,
"Hey, do you mind...
Can you baby-sit?"
If I didn't care about
these things,
you wouldn't
care about anything.
Care more.
You're so concerned
with stuff, like
"Don't get them vaccinated.
"Don't let them eat fish.
There's mercury in the water."
Jesus, how much
Dateline NBC can you watch?
I know we're supposed
to be nice
with each other right now,
but I'm having
a really hard time.
I'm struggling
with it right now.
What am I doing?
'Cause I want to rip your
fucking head off because
you're so fucking stupid!
This is scary.
These are our children.
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
You fucking dipshit.
God! You...
Mmm-hmm.
I literally am at a point where
I don't know what I can say.
So I'm the bad guy
because I'm trying to protect
our kids from child molesters
and mercury?
And you're cool
'cause you don't give a shit.
Yeah.
Yeah? Is that it?
Pretty much.
God, you're an asshole.
Don't do this in front of Ben.
I don't give a shit about Ben.
Sorry, Ben.
It's okay. I didn't think
she did, anyway.
Okay, come on! Let's go.
Oh, I can't go.
This band is doing a showcase
out in the Valley. I got to go.
It's Saturday.
I got to go.
You don't want to know
the sex of the baby?
That's no fun.
Ben knows, but I've
sworn him to secrecy.
I'll get it out of him.
No.
Hey.
Think we'll ever be as happy
as Baby Bjrn couple is?
We are that happy.
Yeah. You look happy.
Which is awesome,
'cause I never like
guys like you. It's great.
You keep saying that. I know.
This is it. This is perfect.
Nice.
Holy shit! It's 1,400 bucks.
We can just borrow yours.
Is that okay?
No. You need your own crib.
You know, there's one
of these lying in an alley
behind my house.
We could just grab that.
Just rub Purell all over it.
You know what? Let me buy it.
I need to get you
a baby present anyway.
And I would love
to get it for you.
No.
I'm serious. I want to.
No. It's too much.
Yes. We'll take it.
Obviously, I mean,
don't insult the woman.
She wants to get us a gift.
Right.
Wanna buy me some new shoes?
What else can I
squeeze out of you?
Xbox 360. Xbox 360.
So hot in the Valley.
Hey! Oh, Allison!
Hi.
How are you?
It's so good to see you.
We've been watching you on E!
It's the coolest thing.
Yeah, it's been super
exciting, just crazy busy.
I'm so sorry I haven't called.
Oh, it's fine.
Hi, I'm Ashley.
This is my friend, Ben.
I'm Ben.
I went to school with Allison.
Okay, so, is Debbie
having another baby?
No. Allison is.
What? I just saw you
a couple months ago.
You're pregnant?
It was a big surprise.
It's actually... It's a really
funny story, actually.
If you guys... If you got
a second to hear it.
It's not really funny.
It's not funny.
Let them be the judge, okay?
I think it's funny.
You know they say
don't drink and drive?
Uh-huh.
Don't drink and bone!
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean,
she was acting weird,
and I really think
it's just 'cause, like,
you know, I haven't made
an honest woman out of her.
She's carrying my bastard child.
No one wants that.
That's what I did.
I mean, I married Debbie
when she got pregnant.
You think she's, like,
hiding me?
Like, she's, like, embarrassed
by me or something like that?
Probably. I'd hide you.
How much do wedding rings cost?
I mean, it really depends,
you know?
I think you're supposed to spend,
like, three months' pay on a ring.
That'll be easy.
I don't make any money.
Really? I thought there was
lot of money in porn.
God, it's not porn, okay?
All we do is we show you
what nude scenes
are in what movies.
Oh, like Mr. Skin?
Who's Mr. Skin?
Dude, Mr. Skin.
Mr. Skin?
No!
We've wasted
This is exactly
the same as our site.
How the fuck did this happen?
Mr. Skin. That's even
a better name than ours!
Fuck me in the beard.
Dude, they got the top 10
group shower scenes!
Why didn't you think
of that, Jay?
Don't put this on me!
God damn it!
Well, shit, I saw it online
at one point, but I guess
I didn't connect the dots.
What are we gonna do now?
All we need to do is think
of a new, better idea
that no one else
has thought of already.
Oh, dude, Spider-Man 3
starts in eight minutes.
Don't worry, man.
We'll figure it out.
You know what?
I think just because
this site exists
doesn't mean our site
won't work, necessarily.
Good things come
in pairs, man, you know.
Oh, for sure.
Volcano, Dante's Peak,
Deep Impact, Armageddon, right?
Wyatt Earp, Tombstone.
Panda Express,
Yoshinoya Beef Bowl.
Exactly. We can work together.
This can help us,
if anything, I think.
We're fine. We're golden.
Look, Allison, I'm sure
this isn't how you pictured
it being, exactly,
and it's not
how I wanted it to be,
but that is why I'm presenting
you this empty box.
It's a promise, Allison.
It's a promise
that one day I will...
I will fill this box
with a ring that you deserve,
a beautiful ring.
And I can't afford it yet.
I've picked it out already,
though, and it's at De Beers,
and it's really nice.
So basically I'm asking you,
will you marry me?
Because I'm in love with you.
I love you, too.
Really?
Oh, man,
that's so nice to hear.
That's the first time a girl's
ever said that to me, so...
But here's the thing.
There's a thing?
I don't really know yet what
that love means, you know.
Just 'cause it's so new,
and it's so exciting
that it's great.
I don't know. We've only
known each other
Okay.
Honestly, I mean, I thought...
I thought you felt weird
that we're having a baby
and we're not
engaged or anything.
I'm gonna get off my knee.
Yeah.
It's hurting a little bit.
No, I'm okay with that.
You know, we're just doing
what we can.
We're making the best of it,
and I don't want us
to put any more pressure
on ourselves
than we already have.
Okay. Yeah.
That makes perfect sense.
Are you okay? I don't want
to hurt your feelings.
No, no, no.
Honestly, I just wanted
to do right by you, you know?
So if you don't want to,
that's totally cool, you know?
Okay.
I really do love you.
I know. Thanks.
You mentioned that. It's nice.
Ben proposed to me.
What?
He did.
It was really sweet.
I kind of feel
a little bit bad about it.
He was, like, wearing
this great little button-down.
He tucked his shirt in.
He got down on one knee.
It was so sweet.
He didn't have
an actual ring, though.
It was just an empty box.
But, you know,
he had this whole spiel
about when he has the money,
he's gonna buy me
the ring that I deserve and...
The box was just empty?
I mean, he can't
afford a ring, so...
So he got down on one knee
and gave you an empty box?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
Get over it. It was sweet.
I'm telling you,
if you'd been there,
you would have probably cried.
You need to train him.
Huh?
Oprah said that
when two people meet,
they are forced
to point out each other's
differences and flaws.
I thought you were supposed
to just accept people for who
they are, love them anyway.
You criticize them a lot,
and then they get
so down on themselves
that they're forced to change.
Really? You don't think
that would just make it worse?
That'd be, like, naggy.
And then in the end,
they thank you for it.
You can't commit
to him. You can't make
a commitment to him.
You don't even know him.
I don't even know Pete
after 10 years.
What?
I don't know what he's up to.
He's miserable.
Why do you say that?
I think he's cheating on me.
What?
He's always going off
to these business meetings
at odd hours.
And then I try to call him
on his cell phone,
and he says that he's in bad
cell phone reception areas
when he's in good
cell phone reception areas.
Maybe he's working late.
You know, I mean, maybe
he's just working really hard
to sign a new great band
or something.
I can't imagine Pete doing
something like that.
There's no part of you
that thinks that maybe
he's a dirty little scumbag?
No. Mmm-mmm.
I think he might be.
"Memory Spy,
web memory software.
"Locate history files,
websites visited,
"hidden downloads, searches,
email history. Memory Spy."
Let's see you hide
from me now, little man.
So you're not even
gonna tell them?
No. You know,
I don't have to tell them.
It's illegal for them
to fire me over it anyway,
and I get three months
maternity leave if I stay,
so I'm just, you know,
not gonna tell them.
That's a good plan.
Yeah. I like it.
It is a good plan until
her water breaks all over
Robert De Niro's shoes.
"My shoes!
Hey, there's all this
baby goo on it."
"These shoes? On these shoes?
"Did you puke on my shoes?"
"Did your water break
on my shoes?"
"Did you puke on my shoes?"
Oh, my God.
Isn't it weird, though,
when you have a kid
and all your dreams and hopes
just go right out the window?
What changed for you?
What went out the window?
What plans?
You do everything
exactly the same.
No, I mean, I love
what I'm doing. Like, say...
Okay, say, you know,
before you're married
and have children,
you wanna go live
in India for a year.
You can do it.
But you can't do it
once you have a family.
You wanna go live in India?
I don't wanna go
live in India.
Do you want to go to India?
Go to India! Seriously,
go to India.
What about you?
Do you want to go to India?
I'm not going to India.
You can go to India.
I get what he's talking about.
You know, honestly, like,
when I found out about...
I totally, like, I just had this flash
of me, like in a white Ford Bronco,
and I'm just hauling ass
for Canada, man.
The chopper's taping
the whole thing, and I just...
I bust through the border
and I'm a free man!
That's all I kept thinking, man.
You know what I'm saying?
It was a flash!
Wait. What do you mean?
What are you...
Don't look at me.
We can talk
about our fears here.
It's not like he did it.
I mean, honestly, like,
if Doc Brown screeched up
in front of you in the DeLorean.
Open the door, he's like,
"Hey, Allison, come on. I got
the car here. What do you wanna do?"
No part of your brain would have been,
like, "You know, maybe we'll go back
"to that night and I would maybe
put a condom on Ben's dick."
You never got that flash?
No.
And I don't know
what you're talking about.
"Where we're going,
we don't need roads."
Exactly.
You wouldn't do that?
I don't know who Doc Brown is.
What are you talking about?
Doc Brown is the guy
who's Christopher Lloyd.
He invented the DeLorean,
the time machine.
He's the one who made
the time machine.
What?
It's the time machine.
Everyone has
the time machine image.
Hey. I have
a really good idea.
Why don't the two of you
get into your time machine,
go back in time
and fuck each other?
Who needs a time machine?
This is my time machine!
I'm gonna throw you
in my DeLorean, gun it to '88.
You are a funny motherfucker,
man. Jesus.
How can you fight with him?
Look at his face.
I just want to kiss it.
I think he's cute.
I like the way you move.
This is fun! We should
do this more, I think.
I mean, this is, like,
the most fun I've had
in a really long time.
Come on, harder.
I can't do it harder.
Why? Come on.
Come on, just do it. Deeper.
I can't.
Oh, why?
I'll poke the baby
if I go deeper.
Oh, come on! Just do it!
Please, don't yell at me,
please don't.
What? The doctor and Debbie
said it's fine. Come on!
Look, can we... I'm sorry,
can we change positions?
What?
I'm gonna crush the baby.
I know it.
This is ridiculous!
Why are we...
No, it's not.
There's no shell in there,
you know?
Millions of people have sex
when they're pregnant!
I don't know how it works.
It just works, okay?
Just do it.
All I'm thinking of
is that I'm gonna...
I weigh over 200 pounds.
Just get over it!
I can't do it.
Can you just get on top?
All I see is our baby
getting poked in the face
by my penis.
Trust me,
you're not even close.
Okay.
Come on, fine.
Okay, fine.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
That's okay.
Sorry.
Okay. Oh, good.
I can't. I can't.
I can't. I can't do this,
I just... I can't. I can't.
I can't focus like this.
I look disgusting
from this angle. I can feel
you looking up at my chins.
I know I look gross.
No, you look beautiful.
Your chin looks so skinny.
And my boobs are all,
like, squishy, and they're
flopping around.
I can feel it,
and it's distracting.
No...
It's all National Geographic.
Okay. Can we do...
Do you wanna do doggie style?
No. I do not want you
to fuck me like a dog.
I'm not fucking you
like a dog. It's doggie style.
It's just the style.
It's not...
It's not like a dog.
We don't have
to go outside or anything.
Here we go.
Okay. Okay.
Okay, is it good?
Yeah.
Should I go slower?
Yeah, no, that's good.
Okay, faster?
Harder.
Just tell me
when you're close.
Just go harder.
Okay.
Keep going!
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck!
What?
What happened?
Oh, my God.
The baby, it kicked my hand.
Well, no, no, it always kicks.
No, no, no. Not like this.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
Just keep going.
It was a warning kick.
This was a bad kick.
No, no, it's fine.
It's fine! It's fine!
Look, my dick must be like
an inch away from its face,
and it's coming,
just coming in at its face.
Oh, shit.
What if it kicked
'cause it didn't like it?
I can't do that to our baby.
That's the first thing it's gonna see.
What are you talking about?
It's having the baby between,
you know, us,
it just makes it weird.
I'm sorry.
It just freaks me out a bit.
It's a little weird.
I have totally lost it.
You've totally lost it?
I've lost it.
Okay.
Great, you know what?
Just forget it.
Okay. Okay, fine.
Don't worry. I won't
make you do this again.
Shit.
Fuck me!
Oh, my God. It's the Russians!
Jodi, I'll protect you!
Oh, man!
Ben!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh, no!
Oh, God, that was horrible!
That was so horrible!
When will it be light out?
Okay, you're fine, man.
Take it easy.
Hey, did anybody
turn off the gas?
I didn't do it.
Oh, motherfucker.
Hey, Marty.
Yeah.
This is my friend, Alex.
She's a pretty
incredible person.
Okay. Nice to meet you.
Whoa, dude! Not cool, Martin.
That's... That wasn't...
Hey, are you serious,
Howard Hughes?
JODl: What happened?
Nothing.
Nothing happened.
Come on.
Where were you?
Look, I forgot
you were sleeping over.
I'm sorry, okay?
Yeah, 'cause you're getting
high off your huge bong.
How am I supposed
to be comfortable
with the idea that you can
take care of me and the baby
if you are always
getting high?
You want me to stop smoking pot
'cause there's an earthquake
once every 10 years?
That makes no sense, Allison.
Look, you're being irrational.
Just relax, okay?
We're all scared, you know?
You just...
Oh, shit, the cops.
California, eh?
You know, it's times like this
I'm glad I don't own nice things.
It's a big mess,
but there's only like
$50 worth of shit here.
And that's kind of the good thing.
You know, my dad told me,
"Don't move to Northridge."
But you figure, like, what are
the chances of that happening
twice, you know?
What is this?
It's a ninja weapon.
I hope this place
doesn't get condemned.
That would suck.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
You!
Hi. So, listen.
Will you do me a big favor?
Debbie wants us to come over
and have dinner tonight.
She thinks Pete is cheating on her.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, she saw
one of his emails and...
Oh, man.
There's an address.
That sounds terrible.
I don't want to do that.
Ben, come on.
He's not cheating on her.
How do you know?
I just know.
Are you sure?
I'm 100% sure
he's not cheating.
Are you really?
No.
It actually kind of makes sense
that he would cheat.
Why?
'Cause Debbie's a pain in the ass
and Pete's awesome.
Why don't you just come over
then, and we'll just diffuse
the situation a little.
I'm just saying the music industry
is different now.
You can't...
Steely Dan would never
even have a chance.
Well, maybe it's 'cause
Steely Dan gargles my balls.
They're incredible.
They really
aren't good, man.
Old Steely Dan.
If I ever listen to Steely Dan,
I want you to slice my head
off with an Al Jarreau LP.
Oh, I should get going.
I'm supposed to see this
band tonight in Hollywood.
Actually, they're playing
in Laurel Canyon,
so I'll call you 'cause
the reception's terrible
over there, so...
Okay.
And I don't want you to worry
'cause I know you worry.
I'm just gonna jump
in the shower.
It would be terrible if I smelled
worse than the band.
Okay. Have fun.
All right.
You guys are crazy.
He's acting totally normal
and hilarious.
She doesn't have a gun,
does she?
No. I don't think so.
Looks like no one's home.
Why was the door unlocked?
Wait here.
I kind of feel bad for Pete.
What?
This isn't a good way,
you know.
If you're gonna
get caught cheating,
it shouldn't be like this.
Well, maybe he should've
thought of that
before he was cheating.
Pete!
Stop it.
I coughed.
What do you want from me?
There's nobody up there.
Thank you.
I guess I was wrong.
I told you.
Can we get out of here,
please?
Yeah, come on. Let's go.
Suck it!
Did you hear that?
What?
I didn't hear anything.
Carlos Delgado.
Excellent choice.
Too bad I got him
three rounds ago.
You're still on the clock.
Oh, shit!
You gotta do something.
We need a name.
Hideki Matsui.
You just took
my whole outfield.
Sorry, Charlie.
What is this?
Debbie.
What the fuck is this?
It's our fantasy baseball draft.
We said no wives.
Your fantasy what?
It's our draft
for fantasy baseball.
I told you all about this.
Got Matsui.
Shit!
Hey, Pete, don't let
the door hit you
in the vagina on the way out!
Come on, who's going?
Prince,
you're on the clock.
I should have told you.
What else have you
been lying about?
Nothing...
That guy said,
"Don't let the door hit you
in the vagina on the way out."
Yeah, I heard him.
That was hilarious.
It's just that I know you've
been mad 'cause I've
been working so much,
and I didn't want
to upset you.
I wouldn't be mad.
I don't get mad.
It's a fantasy baseball draft.
I'm not cheating or anything.
No, this is worse.
How is this worse?
This is you wanting
to be with your friends
more than your family.
Look, the reason I make
that up is because if I told
you what I was really doing,
you would just get mad.
So you think I'm seeing
a band, I do my fantasy draft,
and it's win-win.
Well, what'd you do last
Wednesday night when you said
you went to see a band?
I went to the movies.
With who?
By myself.
What'd you see?
Spider-Man 3.
Why do you want
to go by yourself?
Why didn't you ask me to go?
Because I needed
to get away, you know.
With work and you
and the kids, sometimes I just
need some time to myself.
I need time for myself.
I want time for myself, too.
You're not the only one.
It's not that big of a deal.
I like Spider-Man.
Okay, so let's see
Spider-Man 3 next week.
I don't wanna go see it now.
I don't wanna have
to ask you to ask me.
I want you to just come up
with it on your own.
I don't even know what to say.
What do you want me to do?
You just think because
you don't yell that you're
not mean, but this is mean.
I'm not being mean.
I'm being honest.
You're telling me
I need to be honest.
No, you're not. You're lying.
I'm doing it because I need to
keep my sanity a little bit.
You know what?
I don't want you
at the house anymore, okay?
Come on.
Shit, she's coming back.
How come we go to
the gynecologist so often?
I bet we have to go so much
so we can pay for that
$300,000 machine he has.
I cannot stop thinking
about what an asshole Pete is.
That's a little strong,
I would say.
Really?
'Cause that had to be
one of the most selfish things
I've ever witnessed.
It's understandable,
I would say. I even think
it's kind of funny.
What's funny about it?
Well, you won't laugh now,
I wouldn't imagine,
but, you know, the situation.
We break into this stranger's house
thinking we're gonna find him
sleeping with a woman,
and it's a bunch of nerds
playing fantasy baseball.
If you saw that, like,
on television, you would laugh.
Is that what you think?
Is that what you wanna do, Ben?
I don't even
like baseball.
I'm just saying,
when you're a guy and,
you know, you have a family,
you have responsibility,
you lose that male camaraderie.
And I get that.
I totally understand
where he's coming from.
Why do guys always go
to that place?
"We miss male camaraderie."
Why do I give a shit?
Go hang out with your bearded
freak friends. I don't care.
You wanna hang out with guys
that look like the shoe
bomber, it's all on you, man.
What the fuck
am I supposed to say to that?
You should just support me!
You know, you should just
support everything I say
because at this juncture in my life,
I'm allowed to be wrong!
So if you're wrong,
I have to support it?
Yes!
I can't tell you that
you're acting like a lunatic?
No.
No? Okay.
That's helpful.
You have to do nothing!
I've sacrificed
a lot of shit to do this!
You haven't
sacrificed anything!
I have.
I've had to sacrifice my job,
my body, my youth, my vagina!
You've sacrificed your vagina?
Yes! It will never look
the same after this!
Well. Fine. I'm sorry,
I'll pay for vaginal
reconstructive surgery.
You can't pay for shit!
You can barely buy spaghetti!
You're right! Fine! Okay.
You know what?
Get out of the car.
You know what? How...
Why don't you not threaten me?
You should just get out
of the fucking car.
I'm not gonna get out of the car
in the middle of nowhere! No!
Get out of the car!
No.
I own this car!
Get out of my car!
No.
Get out of my car!
No.
Get out of my fucking car!
Can you let me back
in the car, please?
Have you calmed down?
Did you take a breath?
I have no clue where we are!
Fine. Go.
Great.
Okay.
Maybe I should take
my shoes off. Or my belt
buckle, my belt buckle's huge.
Don't worry
about gaining weight.
Your baby wants you to gain
a whole mess of weight.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Why don't you take off
your earrings, too?
They weigh about 80 pounds.
They're made out of moon rocks,
aren't they?
Do not make fun of me.
Okay? I am hormonal.
I am terrified,
and I am falling apart,
so stop treating everything
like it's a big joke!
Okay, I'm sorry
you're freaking out,
but I just walked
three fucking miles through
Koreatown to get here!
Sorry if I'm trying
to lighten the mood a little.
Well, don't, okay?
You can't take anything seriously!
You know, you didn't even
read the baby books.
I didn't read the baby book!
What's gonna happen?
How did anyone ever give birth
without a baby book?
That's right. The ancient
Egyptians fucking engraved
What to Expect
When You're Expecting
on the pyramid walls!
I forgot about that!
Who gives a flying fuck
about the baby books?
It just shows your lack
of commitment, Ben!
That you're not in this with me!
Did you just say "my lack
of commitment"? 'Cause
that's what it sounded like.
It almost seems as though
you forgot I proposed
to you, like an asshole!
And you said no to me!
If you feel that way,
you should just go.
Really. Just go.
Because we didn't mean
to do this together, okay?
And... And we tried
to make it work
and that was good, I suppose.
But it doesn't work.
Because we are two
completely different people.
And I think it would just be
easier for both of us
if we stop fooling ourselves.
You know, I know
this isn't you talking,
it's your hormones,
but I would just like to say,
fuck you, hormones!
You are a crazy bitch,
hormones.
Not Allison! Hormones!
Fuck them! It's a girl!
Buy some pink shit!
Nice. You are such an asshole.
You know what?
Go fuck your fucking bong, you fuck!
I will fuck my bong.
Doggie style, for once.
Are you ready?
I'm really sorry about all that.
That was really inappropriate.
Oh, no, that's okay.
It happens all the time here.
It's fine.
Oh, good, okay,
I don't feel so stupid, then.
No, no, not at all.
I totally know what
you're talking about, man.
Like, if I wrote out
the list of shit Allison
doesn't let me do,
like, it would be endless.
"Don't smoke pot. Don't have
samurai swords in your room.
"Don't have illegal grow
operations in the house."
I mean, like,
I could go on all fucking day.
Have I told her to stop
doing anything ever? No.
Marriage is like that show,
Everybody Loves Raymond,
but it's not funny.
All the problems are the same,
but it's...
You know, instead of
all the funny, pithy dialog,
everybody's just really
pissed off and tense.
Marriage is like an unfunny,
tense version of
Everybody Loves Raymond.
But it doesn't last 22 minutes.
It lasts forever.
Let's get out of here, man.
Honestly, like, let's just go.
Let's go to Vegas.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Why not?
Get up.
What?
We're not gonna do this.
What?
Seriously.
What are you doing?
We have to go do something
and have fun!
I'm just so tired.
I know you're tired.
But we're gonna be untired!
We're gonna go live!
I hate you so much sometimes.
We're gonna be positive.
Positive, positive, positive! Up!
How many Red Bulls have you had?
I've had about three Red Bulls
in the last 15 minutes.
And I feel fabulous!
We're gonna create a new life
and it's gonna be awesome!
Get up! Let's go!
Since when do we lock
this fucking thing? Come on!
We can't go, dude. Sorry.
Holy crap! What happened?
We got pink eye.
What, you giving each other
butterfly kisses or something?
Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
That's not how you get pink eye.
You get it from poo particles
making their way
into your ocular cavities.
Hey, Ben. How's it going?
Yo.
I farted on Jason's pillow
as a practical joke.
He farted on Jonah's,
thinking it was mine,
and then eventually
pink-eyed my pillow.
I'm not proud of any of this,
but I think we've all
forgiven each other.
But we can't go anywhere.
You can get pink eye
from farting in a pillow?
Totally.
Mmm-hmm.
That's awesome!
Yeah, but you got
to be bare-assed.
Jesus, Martin got it bad!
What, did someone take a dump
right in your eye?
No. No pink eye for me.
I'm just really high.
Well, stay back, guys.
I got to get my suit, okay?
Fuck you.
Are you Debbie's husband?
Yeah.
This is fun!
This is great.
It's just fun, man.
We're gonna have
the best time ever.
We make a good team, man.
Yeah.
It's like, I can't come here
with Debbie.
She wouldn't understand it.
She doesn't understand.
She wants to hold me in,
and she was telling Allison
she could train you.
She thinks she could train me?
Yeah, like you're running
the Triple Crown.
She can't train this!
I'm like Siegfried
and Roy's Bengal.
You think I'm trained. I'II...
I'll bite
your fucking face off!
That's right.
In front of a crowd, baby.
This is better. Besides,
I don't know if I have enough
of these babies to go around.
My God! Are these mushrooms?
Uh-huh. I got them from
a roadie for the Black Crowes.
I'm eating them.
No, no, no. Save it!
I got tickets
to Cirque du Soleil.
You do? No, you don't.
I swear to God, man.
Holy shit!
See? I see the beam of light.
There it is, baby! Whoo-hoo!
You're so money
that you don't even know
how much money you have.
You're money, baby!
You're money!
I love Vegas, man.
This is the greatest place
on Earth.
It's really amazing here.
You got my tie!
This is awesome!
Now, that's how you get pink eye.
Hey, what's up? Baby girl.
Hi.
What's up?
End of the line, please.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Look, we're at capacity, okay?
We'll let some people in
when it clears out a little.
You'll get right in if you go
back to the end of the line.
We come here all the time.
It's not a big deal.
It doesn't really look
that crowded in there.
Hey, look.
I don't make the rules.
Please?
No.
Hey, what's up, shorty?
What's up, pretty girls?
See y'all when y'all get out.
Watch yourself.
What was that?
What the fuck was that?
It is what it is, sweetie.
Now can you step
to the back, please?
You don't need
to call me sweetie.
Maybe we should just go.
Maybe you should
listen to your friend.
No, you don't need
to call me sweetie.
All right, you want to come in,
you're gonna have to go
to the end of the line
and wait like everybody else.
I'm not gonna go to
the end of the fucking line.
Who the fuck are you?
I have just as much of
a right to be here
as any of these
little skanky girls!
What, am I not
skanky enough for you?
You want me to hike up
my fucking skirt?
What the fuck is your problem?
I'm not going anywhere!
You're just some roided out
freak with a fucking clipboard!
And your stupid little fucking
rope! You know what?
You may have power now,
but you're not God!
You're a doorman! Okay?
You're a doorman, doorman,
doorman, doorman, doorman!
So, fuck you, you fucking fag
with your fucking little
faggy gloves.
I know.
You're right. I'm so sorry.
I fucking hate this job.
I don't want to be the one to pass
judgment and decide who gets in.
This shit makes me sick
to my stomach.
I get the runs from the stress.
It's not 'cause you're not hot.
I would love to tap that ass.
I would tear that ass up.
I can't let you in
'cause you're old as fuck,
for this club,
not, you know, for the Earth.
What?
You old. She pregnant.
Can't have a bunch of old,
pregnant bitches running around.
That's crazy.
I'm only allowed to let in
That mean if there's
I get to let in one-and-a-quarter
black people.
So I got to hope there's a black midget
in the crowd.
Now I feel guilty. I'm sorry.
Why y'all wanna be in here anyway?
Y'all need to be
at a yoga class or something.
What the fuck is she doing at the club?
That's not even
good parenting right there.
Your old ass should know better than that.
Oh, God.
Have the mushrooms
kicked in yet?
This was a great idea, man.
This is the best idea
I've ever had in my life.
What are they gonna do?
What in the world
are they doing?
If I shaved my stomach
and my chest, I would look
exactly like that.
Those guys are
at work right now.
"What'd you do today?"
"I just lifted my brother."
No. Don't applaud. He'll fall.
I'm freaking out
right now, man.
The mushrooms are turning on me.
Papa.
I'm not your papa!
Papa!
I can't deal
with this shit, man!
Hold up. Hold up.
Ben, wait. Ben, Ben, Ben, wait!
It's over.
What's over?
My youth.
Oh, don't say that.
It's true.
I just wanna dance.
I love dancing.
So dance.
I can't dance.
I'm embarrassed.
I should be embarrassed.
I'm a fucking whale,
and I'm trying to get
into some stupid club and...
No, you look beautiful.
And you're young
and you're tall,
and you got the good lips
and boobs, and you're young still.
I'm gonna be alone.
Debbie, no, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Oh, God!
Fucking men!
I get worse-Iooking
and he gets better-Iooking,
and it's so fucking unfair.
Oh, fuck.
We should go.
My babysitter always gets mad
when we come home past 12:00.
She's such a pissy
little high-school cunt.
Let's move, gang!
Come on, come on, come on!
Jessica,
can you get these plates
and put them
on the table, please?
This isn't funny.
That guy has 12 kids.
It's not funny. It's...
Now I get
to start all over again!
This is sick.
This is a sick movie.
That's a lot of responsibility to be
joking about. That's not funny.
I got to turn this off.
It's freaking me out.
There are five different types
of chairs in this hotel room.
Holy fuck. What are they
all doing in here?
These are five
different types of chairs.
Get them out of here, man.
This is too many chairs for one room.
There's a guy that works
for this hotel. His whole job
is to find chairs.
Look at this one. Look at it.
It's gold and red,
and it's kind of shiny.
Shiny thread? Unbelievable.
It is beautiful
and it feels amazing.
The tall one's gawking at me
and the short one's being very droll.
I don't like them.
Oh, wow.
It's weird that chairs even exist
when you're not sitting on them.
I'm up high!
I'm really high up.
I should've read
the baby books.
Why didn't you read
the baby books?
'Cause then it's real,
you know?
Dude, it's real whether
or not you read those books.
That baby's coming.
Oh, man!
Think they'll take us back?
Yes.
But I don't know why.
Do you ever wonder how somebody
could even like you?
All the time, man. Like every day.
I wonder how you like me.
How can Debbie like me?
She likes me. I mean, she loves me.
The biggest problem
in our marriage is that
she wants me around.
She loves me so much
that she wants me
around all the time.
That's our biggest problem.
And I can't even accept that?
Like that upsets me?
What?
She's the one. She loves me.
You can't believe
people love you?
I love you, man!
Debbie loves you!
I don't think I can accept her love.
There's something wrong with me.
You can't accept love?
I don't know what it is.
Love? The most beautiful,
shiny, warmy thing in the world?
You can't accept it?
I have to go to this other chair.
Oh, this is a better energy.
You can't accept pure love?
You can't accept Debbie?
She's chosen
to give you her life.
She's picked you
as her life partner!
But you play fantasy baseball
because you can't accept her love?
I could accept it, man.
And Debbie's amazing, man.
She's cool and she's funny
and she smells good
and she's nice and her hair
always looks different.
She's too good for you, man.
Tastes like a rainbow.
You're disgusting.
You know, you're an urchin.
And she busts your balls
'cause you're a little bitch.
You're a filthy bitch!
And I'd bust your balls.
Debbie wants to give her life
to you, and Allison doesn't
want to do that with me.
And it makes me sad all day.
I want to go home.
I wanna go home, too.
Everything looks beautiful.
Thanks.
I went kind of overboard, huh?
No. It's great.
Your daughter only turns eight once.
Is Ben gonna come?
I don't think so.
I don't know why he would.
Oh, hey. What up, dawg?
Where have you been?
Around. You know?
Just kind of doing my thing.
Why is everybody
so mad at you?
I don't know. Are they mad?
What have they been saying?
They've been saying, like,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
"Ben's a prick."
They said that?
A lot.
That sucks.
What does it mean?
Penis. It means penis.
Oh.
Penis.
Babe, we're running
low on plates.
Hey, Ben! What's up, man?
What's happening, man?
Hey, Ben.
Hey, Debbie.
How are you?
Good. How are you?
Hi.
Did you just get pink cupcakes
or yellow cupcakes?
I just got yellow cupcakes.
I thought I said
get pink cupcakes.
I can run out.
I'll get some more.
Nah, it's no big deal.
I don't mind.
No, it doesn't matter.
You sure?
Yeah. You look
really cute in that.
All right.
Well, that was fast,
you pussy.
I'm a...
You're the one that got
dressed up like a cholo on
Easter to come to this party.
How are things
at Butt-Fucking-Ham Palace?
You look like Babe Ruth's
gay brother, Gabe Ruth.
Well played, sir. That was good.
You gonna talk to Allison?
Yeah, I was just about to.
Right on.
It's a doll.
Thanks, Ben.
I just don't think
we can make it work.
We can get back on track,
and everything's gonna be great.
You're just being nice,
and I'm being nice,
and just because we're two
nice people doesn't mean
we should stay together.
I don't want this baby
to determine the rest
of our lives. You know?
Me not wanting to do this alone
isn't enough of a reason
to drag you into a relationship
with me. It's just not fair.
And don't repeat this, but God,
I don't want to end up like Debbie.
But Debbie's happy.
Yeah, she's happy today.
But every day is
a constant struggle for them
because they're not
right for each other.
You know? And they have
to force it, and I don't want
us to have to do that.
I don't want to force you
to be what I think you should be.
That's wrong of me
because you're great.
You really are. You're great
the way you are, and...
I mean, you like to get high,
and you like to do shrooms in Vegas.
I didn't do shrooms in Vegas.
Who am I to stop you?
Who am I to tell you that
that's wrong? It's not wrong.
It's who you are.
It's what you enjoy
and that's your life and...
I'm not that guy anymore.
I mean, we can be friends.
And you can be there
when the baby is born,
and in the baby's life
as much as you want.
I hope you will be.
I just...
I think that if you just...
I don't know. If you give me a shot
to just show you that I'm...
Excuse me?
Oh, shit.
Can you grab the video camera?
We're gonna sing
Happy Birthday now.
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I got to go.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I'll be right back,
though, all right?
We'll finish talking.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, go.
What happened?
Thanks for warning me, man.
I just walked into a fucking
buzz saw. She rejected me.
'Cause you,
for some insane reason,
told Debbie that I did
mushrooms with you in Vegas!
She gets mad 'cause I smoke pot!
Now I'm upping it to fucking
psychedelics! Thanks!
Really? I thought she'd take you back.
You know why she just rejected me?
'Cause you're such a shitty husband,
she thinks I'm gonna turn
into a shitty husband.
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Jessica! Right here!
Can we get a photo?
When are you due?
I got two months.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow, you're so big already.
Yeah.
When is that baby popping out?
I got two months to go.
Really? Are you dilated yet?
I can tell.
Wow, wow!
You look fantastic.
You look... Are you gonna,
like, give birth right now?
Wow, you're about
to drop any second.
You know what?
I love your broach.
You don't need to lie to me.
I don't appreciate it.
I know I look like a fat cow.
And I'm sweating profusely.
I know that.
No, no.
No, you don't look like
a fat cow at all. You look great.
So, I have to get going in.
They're calling me.
Steve, hey. Help me out.
Give me an interview, please.
Well, I just need to run in.
You know what? Just say
into the camera, "You're
watching E! Entertainment. "
Congratulations.
Just give me that.
No, Steve, don't be
an asshole! Come on.
I'm not being an asshole.
Wow, you managed to turn
Steve Carell into an asshole.
No easy feat.
Shut up, Brent.
You screwed me, Dad, okay?
You said everything was gonna
be fine and nothing is fine.
Nothing is fine.
Ben, I've been
divorced three times.
Why would you listen to me?
Because you were the only one
giving me advice!
And it was terrible advice!
You can go around blaming everyone
else, but in the end,
until you take responsibility
for yourself, none of this
is gonna work out.
I don't know how to take
responsibility for myself, okay?
I didn't read the baby books!
You didn't read the books?
I just smoke less pot.
I don't know what to do. I'm an idiot!
What... Tell me what to do!
I don't know. I don't know.
Ben, I love you.
What can I tell you?
Just tell me what to do.
Stone, you settling in okay?
Best job I ever had.
Like to hear it.
Allison, thank you
for coming in.
I don't want to shock you
but we know what's under that jacket.
You're pregnant,
have been for a while.
From my count, you're right
around eight months.
And I don't know why you felt
you couldn't tell us.
I'm really sorry.
This is Hollywood.
We don't like liars.
I just...
I wasn't expecting this and...
I didn't know how to handle it,
and I didn't want to lose my job.
I'm really sorry.
It's unfortunate.
It's unfortunate
you didn't tell us because
you would've found out
that we thought it's great.
Really?
Yeah.
So we did some research.
And turns out,
people like pregnant.
Oh, my God!
The bigger you are,
the bigger your numbers.
I was surprised
'cause I feel the opposite.
We're gonna do a whole maternity
month on E! Mommy.
You're gonna interview
all the pregnant celebs.
Really?
Yes.
Scary!
You're pregnant, they're pregnant,
you can talk about being pregnant.
It just grosses me out when
I know that people are pregnant.
'Cause I think about the birth.
Everything's so wet.
And everything that goes into it.
None of the gross stuff.
But you know, hopes, dreams,
whatever, it's gonna be great.
Oh, my God.
This is such good news.
Thank you so much.
Yeah, you're welcome.
And then,
after the baby is out...
Tight.
...tighten it back up.
And please don't
lie to us again.
Okay.
'Cause maybe someday
we could be friends.
Okay. I won't. I'm sorry.
I just don't like secrets.
Okay.
You know, it's a rare thing
that you live to see the day
your wildest dreams come true.
I mean, what is there left to want?
I get to go to Legoland.
Shut up, Pete.
Say it!
Legoland!
Legoland!
Legoland!
Don't get them all riled up
before the drive.
I shouldn't have given them
all that meth, then.
We'll be back
on Sunday.
Or Saturday. You never know.
We might see it all in one day.
Sunday. Let's go.
Guess what? I'm scared
there's no one to trust.
You can trust me.
You are gonna
fuck me over, aren't you?
Oh, for Christ's sake.
You are.
Are you retarded? Or just brain-dead
from whiffing fumes out there in the swamp?
Ow, ow, ow.
That's what I am to you, isn't it?
Swamp trash, just like my mom.
Hello?
Hey, what's up, Daddy?
What are you doing?
Just smoking a joint, drinking
some beers, you know. Rocking.
We're about to go
to a new club. You coming?
No. I'm gonna pack
it in soon, I think.
What's he doing?
He says he's gonna
call it a night.
Dude, it's like 8:15, man.
Yeah, I know. I'm just tired.
Is he depressed?
You depressed?
No, I feel great. I like it.
He says no.
Ask him if he's
gonna kill himself.
You gonna kill yourself?
No, I'm not. Okay? Thank you.
Tell him not to jerk off
with a noose around his neck.
It's dangerous.
You shouldn't jerk off with
a noose around your neck
'cause it's dangerous.
Okay. Very good.
And tell him if he has to,
tell him he needs
a teammate or a spotter there.
Right. And if you do,
you should have
a teammate or a spotter there.
Great.
He says your mom's already there.
Uncool, man.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Hi, Dr. Howard?
No, this is Dr. Angelo.
How can I help you?
I'm a patient of Dr. Howard's,
and I'm going into labor
and I need to speak with him.
I actually don't know
where he is tonight.
But I've made myself available
to his patients,
and I'd be happy to help you.
Can you help me find him?
Can you give me his number?
Oh, no. You know what? Actually,
I'm under strict instructions
not to give out his number,
but I can help you through this.
No, no. No, no, no.
I want to speak to my own doctor.
You really won't give me his number?
Because this is my first baby,
and he promised that
he would be here for me
and I need you to give me...
Give me his number, okay?
Dr. Howard's not available tonight.
But everything's gonna be okay,
I assure you.
No, I don't want you to help me
because I have no idea who you are!
I want my own goddamn doctor!
You make sure he calls me!
Oh, shit. Okay.
Oh, shit!
Hello?
Ben, it's me. Can you come?
'Cause the baby's coming.
Can you come?
Oh, God. Allison.
I'm so happy you're calling.
I have so many thing's
I've been wanting to say to you.
I wanna apologize for things.
It's all I can think about.
No, listen. Wait. Listen.
I need you to come help me, okay?
Because the baby's coming.
So can you come help me?
Wait. The baby's coming
right now?
Yes. Right now.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Is it happening? It's happening now?
Push. Push...
Breathe like this...
No, no, no, no.
You need to come now because
the contractions are happening,
and they really hurt
and the doctor isn't here,
and I can't get hold of him.
And he said he was gonna
be here, right? You were there
when he said that.
Okay, okay,
I'll come right now.
Nobody's here.
I'm coming right now.
...not anywhere,
I can't reach them, please.
Please, please hurry.
I'll just... So should I...
I'll meet you
at the hospital, okay?
No! Don't meet me at the
hospital! No, no, I need you
to drive me. I can't drive.
I can't drive like this.
No? You can't drive? Okay.
I'll get gas
and then I'll pick you up.
You have to get gas?
I need to just get cash.
No. Don't get cash. Just come.
I need to get cash because
my car's on empty, I won't
even make it there.
No, just come right now.
I'm not fucking around, okay?
This is serious and I'm alone.
It's the last thing you need to do is...
Just get here!
Look, if you keep yelling
at me, I'm never gonna get there.
You just need to calm down
for two... Okay.
Don't run out of gas.
Don't run out of gas. Come on!
Hello?
Please be in there.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Allison?
Hello?
Ben?
Allison.
What is this,
like a water birth?
What are we doing? Should we go?
Should I... I have the...
Shh.
Just relax, okay?
Just be mellow, 'cause
that's what this is all about.
Because if it gets
too stressful in here,
then the baby is born
into a stressful environment,
and then he's wired for stress
for the rest of his life. So just...
Just be calm.
Okay.
Okay, let's relax. Okay.
Do you want
to talk about things?
I feel really bad about, like,
a lot of the shit I did.
I can't believe
I said some of that.
That's all I think about
in my head.
I don't wanna talk about it.
But maybe we could bring
the baby into a reconciled
place so we can talk...
No. I don't wanna go there.
Don't go there. Okay?
Help me stay relaxed.
So, what should I do?
You need to call Dr. Howard.
Hello?
Hello, yes, this is Ben Stone.
I'm calling on behalf of Allison Scott.
We need Dr. Howard.
It's an emergency.
Yeah. He's at San Francisco
at bar mitzvah.
He's at a bar mitzvah in San Francisco?
Do you know when he gets back?
In three days.
Do you have his cell number,
by any chance?
Hey! Good news.
I got his number right here.
I'm gonna call him right now.
Oh, great. Thank you so much.
Oh, my God. I'm so glad
you're here. Thank you.
I'm glad I'm here, too.
Thank you.
I shouldn't have told you
you were a fucking lunatic.
I shouldn't have said that.
I feel terrible about it and...
No, it's okay.
We're past it. We're past it.
I'm sorry I told you
to fuck your bong.
It's okay. I didn't.
Let's just drop it now.
We're over it.
I'm gonna call him right now.
You're doing so great.
Hello, it's Dr. Howard.
I'm not here right now.
Please leave a message.
Hey, Doc Howard.
Ben Stone calling.
Guess what the fuck's up?
Allison's going into labor
and you are not fucking here.
Now, where are you? You're at
a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco,
you motherfucking piece of shit!
And you know
what I'm gonna have to do now?
I'm gonna have to kill you.
I'm gonna have to
pop a fucking cap in your ass.
You're dead! You're Tupac!
You are fucking Biggie,
you piece of shit!
I hope you fucking die
or drop the fucking chair
and kill that fucking kid!
Hope your plane crashes.
Peace, fucker!
Hey.
Hey.
Did you talk to him?
I didn't talk to him directly.
I left him a very nice message, though.
And... Okay.
What I'm about to tell you
isn't that bad.
You should know that going in.
We can get through this,
and it's just a little hiccough,
but everything will be fine. Okay?
Do you trust me when I say
everything will be fine?
I can deal with it.
Okay.
So, Dr. Howard is at a bar mitzvah.
A bar mitzvah?
It's a Jewish rite of passage.
And he's gonna be there
for the next three days,
so he will not be able
to be here tonight.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
What do you think
we should do?
Okay. I know
exactly what to do.
All we do is we'll get in
the car, I'll drive to the hospital,
and on the way, we will call
every gynecologist we've met.
Someone will be available.
You know?
Okay. I can do that.
Okay. Good.
I mean, we still have time.
I mean, how far apart
are your contractions?
I think, like, seven minutes.
Seven minutes!
See? Not until four minutes
is it really coming.
And has your water broken, even?
I don't know. I'm in the tub.
That's a good point.
Have you had your bloody show?
What? What's that?
It's, it's... I mean, it's
a bloody mucusy discharge.
But it only comes out right before
the baby's gonna come,
so if that hasn't happened,
we have time.
We can make it to the hospital.
It's no problem.
You read the baby books.
Yeah. I did. I read
three of them, actually.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Hey. Hey, you okay?
Okay.
Wait.
Are we allowed to park here?
It's okay. I stole this
from Martin's grandma.
Oh, that was really
sweet of you.
Thanks.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Okay. Inches away.
Okay.
We're close.
Home stretch. Hello.
This is Allison Scott.
Dr. Kuni said he would let you
know we were coming?
Oh, he did.
We'll take good care of you.
Okay.
Samuel?
Yeah?
This is Allison Scott.
Please admit her into Room 307.
Hi.
Hey.
You're our nurse?
That's why I'm holding
the clipboard.
So, what else is up
with you guys?
I'm just joking.
Let's have a baby, huh?
Yeah.
Jeez, I'm sorry it took me so long
to find that vein.
That little guy really
didn't want me to find him.
Is that the baby
on that one right there?
Yeah.
So we can tell how the little
guy or gal is doing.
Okay.
Hello, Allison. Ben.
Interesting night.
We really, really appreciate
you coming, man.
What else do I have to do,
I mean, besides sleep? Totally kidding.
What happened to your doctor?
He's at a bar mitzvah
in San Francisco.
He didn't tell us, though.
Nice.
Yeah.
Lucky for you, I don't have
any Jewish friends.
Dr. Kuni, I really wanna do this
naturally. I don't wanna use drugs.
Okay, let's just take a look
and see what happens, okay?
Foetal heart rate is good.
Samuel, where are we?
Four centimeters.
Four centimeters what?
Dilated?
Dilated. That's right. Focus.
Pay attention, okay?
We're a team. Okay?
I wanna get
the fuck out of here.
What?
I just wanna get
the fuck out of here.
Okay. Just relax,
man, just relax.
Oh, man, I don't fucking
like hospitals.
I know, but, Jonah,
this is beautiful.
I just think you need to relax
and embrace the beauty of
another life joining our gang.
We're having a baby.
We are having a baby.
I'm not having shit besides
a fucking panic attack.
There's probably a fucking room
back there full of dead bodies!
You guys wanna be here
when one rolls out
and just fucking coughs
malaria into our face?
Jesus.
Fucking shit.
Is that good?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, get in there.
I could do this all day.
Cool.
What was that?
What the hell was that?
What's happening?
Well, boys and girls,
what seems to be the problem?
Decels.
Oh, dear.
Okay, Allison, I need you to
turn on your back now, okay?
The baby's heart rate
is slowing. Okay?
It's gonna be okay.
Okay.
It's gonna be fine.
Is it gonna be fine?
It's gonna be fine. Okay?
You'll feel a little bit of
a push. You'll feel a little bit of...
Oh.
What are you doing?
I'm turning the baby so I can take
the pressure off the cord. Okay?
Oh, my God.
Okay, we're good.
The heartbeat's stronger,
but we're not out of the woods.
We need to get
things going now.
I think the cord is wrapped
around the neck.
So I'm gonna give you
some medicine, pop the bag
and get things going, okay?
I don't wanna leave the baby
in there for long,
and we can give you
some medicine for the pain.
No, no, no, no.
I don't... I don't want the baby to
be born all drugged out.
It's not my birth plan.
Now, things change.
We don't have time to debate this.
What? No. But no, I'm not
comfortable with that. I'm not.
No. Would you please
just listen to her?
Fine. Do what you want to do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Should I leave?
Do you want to be the doctor?
Because I really don't need to be here.
No. What we want is to take
a second to talk
about our options, okay?
That's all we want.
No. You mean you want
to take a second
to tell me how to do my job.
My job is to get
that baby out safely.
Or I can go home.
Just let me know. You be the doctor.
Can we talk outside
in the hall for a second?
That woman is a control freak,
and she needs to let go
and let me do my job.
Look, she's just having
a hard time
because her and our doctor had
a very specific birth plan.
And they wanted it to be
a very special experience.
If you want a special experience,
go to a Jimmy Buffett concert.
We have a new birth plan.
Get the baby out safely.
Look, man, will you help us out?
I have no idea what I'm doing.
You can be as big a dick to me
as you want. Just be nice to her, man.
That's all I ask.
Just please be nice to her.
Are you okay?
I think so.
I'm sorry. Let's start fresh.
Thank you, man. Thanks.
This is healthy. This is good.
I think we're bonding.
Allison, I apologize for being
a little brash, but if you're okay with it,
it's rather important
we break the bag
and give you some medicine
to speed things up.
Because once the bag is broken,
I don't want there to be an infection.
Whatever.
Do what you have to do.
Oh, my God.
What a nightmare that guy is.
I know, I know.
Look, I talked to him.
I think he'll be more cool now.
I'm so sorry
I broke up with you.
You really don't need to be.
And, you know, I knew
you'd give me another shot.
I figured it'd be a lot sooner
than this, you know?
I was just in such
a panic from all of this.
And watching Debbie
and Pete together, it's...
And my ass got so fat.
No, no.
It did.
I just never, for one minute,
thought that the guy
who got me pregnant
would actually be
the right guy for me.
Me, either.
I guess he is.
Yeah.
All right, Martin, who am I?
"People
think I'm smart because
I speak in a robot voice."
Stephen Hawking.
"I fuck my nurse
with my ever-expanding cock."
All right.
Let's murderball.
Come here!
I'm gonna murderball you!
Stay down!
Jonah, you shithead!
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I can't believe I go
out of town and this happens.
I know.
I'm sorry,
but I'm not going anywhere.
Screw Legoland.
All right.
Hey, how do you want this?
You want this over the shoulder?
You know, I can do whatever
you want. I can get in there.
Kind of Spike Lee angles.
No, you can shoot the waiting
room. That would be great.
Yeah. Okay. Well, thank you.
I've got it from here.
Debbie.
Can I talk to you
in the hall for a second?
Why?
I'd like to be in there
with Allison, without you.
Okay.
I understand how you feel
but this isn't up to you.
Look, Debbie, you are high
off your ass if you think
you're coming into that room.
If you take one step towards
that door, I will tell security
there's a crazy chick in a pink
dress snatching up babies. Okay?
So don't even try to come into
that room. That's my room now.
That little area with the Pepsi
machine, that's your area.
My room. Your area. Stay in your area.
Stay out of my room.
Back the fuck off.
What are you doing here?
He just kicked me out.
He told me to leave.
Oh.
But I guess it's good, right?
He said he's gonna
take care of her.
He really seems on his game.
I think he's gonna be a good dad.
I think I like him.
Thank God.
I wish I'd gotten
that on tape.
Go! Holy shit, almighty!
Oh, shit, this really hurts!
I see we're well on our way.
Okay.
I want the...
I want the epidural. Okay?
Give me the epidural!
Give her the epidural, okay?
Give it to her now.
KUNl: Okay, Allison.
We're past the point of an epidural.
Okay? The cervix is fully dilated.
No, seriously,
I want an epidural!
I know there's time!
We can't give you
the epidural.
Take the time! I...
I'll make sure it doesn't come out!
I'll stop pushing.
We have time.
Just do it, please!
I'll stop.
Please, please, please!
I'm sorry. We have no time.
We're gonna just have to do
this the all-natural way, okay?
The way you wanted to do it.
Okay? Ready?
Okay.
Here comes another contraction, okay?
I want you to push. Okay, ready?
Good, good, good.
I feel everything!
Oh, my God! It's happening!
Okay, maybe we can
take it down just a little.
I think you're gonna scare
the other pregnant women.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Okay.
Are you kidding me?
Jesus.
This is messed up.
Something's wrong in there.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no.
I mean, granted, gynecology's
only a hobby of mine,
but it sounds to me like she's
crowning. Is that right, Deb?
Yeah. That's what it sounds
like for everyone.
Everyone goes through this.
No, I disagree with you.
That sounds terrible.
I'm gonna go sneak a peak,
see if there's anything I can do.
Okay! It's crowning!
I'm seeing the head!
Oh, God.
What does it look like, Ben?
Oh, God.
What?
You don't wanna see it.
No, I wanna see it!
It's beautiful.
You don't want to, though.
No, I want to see it!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Okay, we're almost home!
One, two...
You okay in here? Jesus!
Get out!
Yeah, okay.
Oh, no!
You all right, buddy?
It's okay.
What did it look like?
I shouldn't have gone in there.
Don't go in there.
Promise me you don't go in there.
Me, go in there? That's the last
fucking place I wanna go.
Like I'm gonna go in there.
Try getting a boner now.
What's up, Deb?
Hey.
Push. One, two, three.
Oh, God!
You've passed the shoulders.
One more big push.
Good.
I did it.
Okay. Oh, my God. It's out.
You did it. You did it.
Oh, my God, you did it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
I love you, Ben.
I love you so much, too.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations, you two.
Beautiful.
Thank you.
You did so great.
You were amazing.
Thank you.
Okay, pretty baby.
You got out.
You made it out. Welcome.
You ever get so bored
you just stare at your balls?
I bet you do, late John Lennon.
Here we are again.
Who is that?
Is that Ben's rabbi?
Is he the one
who cuts the penis?
I think it's Matisyahu.
Awesome.
You want out of the bet?
I want out of the bet.
You know what you have to say.
Just say it, man.
I think now is the time.
Jason, you're the master.
You heard it, right?
Yeah.
All right. You're out of the bet.
Yeah, now you're done.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God.
Your face smells
like an old man's balls.
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, fucking hell.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hello.
Oh, my goodness.
She's beautiful.
Hello.
Oh. I love you, Ben.
I love you, Debbie.
We're gonna have another baby.
Okay.
Hello, baby.
Gentlemen, it's a girl!
We got a daughter!
Mazel tov!
Congratulations, Daddy!
We got
a beautiful little girl!
Let's meet her! She's awesome!
A beautiful little girl!
And then your mommy said,
"Just do it, already,"
which was very confusing
to Daddy.
So I listened to the most
literal translation of that
and I just did it, already.
What would you do?
Don't tell Mommy,
but it was the smartest thing
I ever did, listening to her,
'cause now you're here.
Isn't that nice?
I think it is.
Hi, you.
I hope your apartment is big enough
for the three of us.
Oh, it definitely is.
That's why I got one in East LA,
the rent. It's huge!
The only thing is
we have to decide
if we're gonna be Crips
or Bloods before we get there.
Well, I look good in red.
I look good in blue.
The fighting continues.
We could just throw off everyone
and become Latin Kings.
Yeah.
We both look good in gold.
Yeah.
Good choice.
I would yell at you about driving
so slow, except the baby's here.
No, these guys can honk all they want.
I ain't going faster than 12.
It might take us around three
hours to get home, though.