1
Ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh
Let me tell you a secret
Put it in your heart
and keep it
Something that
I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have
something to show
You tell me you're cold
on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that your heart
can embrace?
Be good to yourself
'cause nobody else
Has the power
to make you happy
How can I help you?
Please let me try to
I can heal the pain
That you're feeling inside
Whenever you want me
Know that I will be
waiting for the day
That you say you'll be mine
Do do do
Do do do do
Do do do do,
do do do do do...
Do do do do, do do do do
You look like you need another.
What are you, psychic?
Look deep into my eyes.
Yeah.
You're feeling very thirsty.
Oh, you are very good.
And...
Oh, yeah,
this is your favorite song.
That was so psychic.
No, that was you playing it
four times in a row.
Well, love me,
love George Michael.
We're kindred spirits.
- How so?
- Well, we're both singers.
Uh, we're both
famously misunderstood
and underappreciated
in our time.
But all that's gonna change,
'cause tomorrow I've got a
big audition for the West End.
And you, uh,
came into town for it?
No, I, uh, moved out
on my flatmate today.
So, what,
you're gonna move back home?
- Oh, kill me now.
- Uh-oh. Family issues.
Yeah. Let me count the ways.
Um, anger, shame, resentment,
embarrassment...
and that's just my mum.
Do you want to hear
about my sister?
No. Okay.
So, what's your plan?
I'll figure it out, you know.
It'll be fine.
Something will turn up.
Or someone.
Morning, gorgeous.
This bed, it's like sleeping
on a pile of kittens.
If that thought's comfortable
and not completely horrifying.
I'm gonna dash down the street.
I need some gingerroot,
fresh beets
for my famous
breakfast power juice.
- Cool.
- And...
- a cappuccino while you wait.
- Wow.
And lashings of hot water
if you fancy a shower.
- Bliss.
- I'll be right back.
Surprise!
Guess who got back from
the conference a day early.
God, I've missed you.
God, who are you?!
I'm the... plumber.
- The plumber?
- Look...
This isn't what it looks like.
I just...
I just... I needed a bed
for the night, and he...
- Ed.
- Ed. Ed was just so understanding.
And I-I just... I just... I've
got lots of issues, all right?
Accommodation, firstly, 'cause
I've sort of run out of options
because I've really messed up
for a number of reasons.
- And he...
- Ed.
Ed just seemed to get that.
Did you shag him?
Look, you took my bag!
Ow!
Why is my life so shit?!
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart
But the very next day,
you gave it away
You gave it away
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Special
Once bitten...
It's not funny, Klaus.
It's incredible
how unfunny it is.
But you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby
Do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year
It doesn't surprise me
Merry Christmas
I wrapped it up
and sent it with...
Christ.
Last Christmas...
I'm sorry, George.
Happy. Happy.
Happy. Happy.
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special...
Hey, you're early.
You are never early.
What are you up to?
Accommodation issues.
Hmm. So the usual.
What did you do this time?
- Fry someone's fish?
- No, no, that was last week.
Hey, you're just too funky for me
I gotta get inside...
You are going to run out
of friends with sofas.
You have been sick.
You need to take care
of yourself better.
- Santa, I didn't know you cared.
- I don't care.
I just don't want you to drop
dead in front of the customers.
I don't have enough tinsel
to cover your corpse.
Get to work, elf.
I don't know.
You're gonna have to
help me decide.
- They're both so darling.
- I tell you what.
Let's pretend Mary had twins,
and you can get both.
You must just love your job.
- Love it.
- It's like being in a dream.
All the joys and the love
of Christmas
every single day of the year.
Now, which baby
is it going to be?
He's gorgeous, but this one...
he looks like he's having
a lot of fun.
Oh, yeah, and a lot more to come.
- But this one, look at him.
- Come on. Hey.
- He's more like my idea of...
- Jesus Christ.
- You think so, too?
- Katarina.
Um, excuse me
for just one moment. Santa!
I need a word.
I'm at work.
You could've called me.
You're not answering
your phone.
Remember?
Look, I've come from work.
I need to get back,
so come get out here.
That's my analyst.
So sorry.
Santa, can you get
down here, please?
Please? Thank you.
Santa?
Are you there?
Mum needs you to ring her.
All right, every time
she contacts you
and gets no response,
she contacts me.
Yesterday, 17 times.
- Just do it.
- Oh, don't just stand there issuing commands.
I am an adult.
You are the furthest thing
from an adult that I know.
I need time to myself.
I'm asking you to do
a single thing, Katarina.
It's "Kate."
Whatever. Just ring her.
Contact her.
Give me one good reason.
You've missed five
doctor's appointments.
You've got one planned
for tomorrow, which apparently
you know about.
You have to be there.
She's also planning a dinner
to celebrate my promotion.
And you not ringing her
is seriously affecting my life.
Will you be inviting Alba
to the dinner?
Just ring your mother.
Christ.
Yeah, Jenna, it's me.
Listen, darling,
I'm sorry
to leave this message.
I just really need
a bed for the night.
Even possibly a few nights.
You're my bestie. Please. I know.
- Just...
- Hey, elf!
This is my elf.
Santa has elves, you know.
Little helpers.
I have nicknamed her
"Lazy the Elf"
because she appears
never to work.
- That's me. Mm.
- She could also be called
"Crushing Disappointment the Elf."
- I-I'm just...
- "Waste of Payroll the Elf,"
"Bleeding Me Dry the Elf,"
"Why on Earth Is She
Even Here the Elf."
- What?
- Jesus.
- Where'd you come from?
- Well, what are you looking at?
Look, look.
There. You see it?
- Oh.
- Just above the lip of the roof there.
It's quite unusual to see
a bird like that in town.
Blimey.
Damn it.
Here. Uh, I think
it just pooed in your eye.
Yeah, I think so.
- Goodbye, my people.
- Sorry. Ow.
Ow.
Where have you been?
A shitting bird
just shat in my eye.
- Oh. Is there a bird in here?
- No.
Some bloke was outside the shop
playing silly buggers.
Well, maybe you can focus
your attention
on the silly buggers inside the shop.
I know. Oh! My phone.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm sorry, Santa.
Yeah, Jenna!
Yes! Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so...
I'll be with you around 8:00.
- Okay. You are number one.
- Get off the phone now!
Okay, I got to go. Bye.
Yeah, I'm just gonna get
the shit out my eye.
- I'll be right...
- Time to sparkle!
Just hear those
sleigh bells jingling
Ring-ting-tingling, too...
There you are, sir. Enjoy your
festive hybrid Hanukkah bush.
Merry Christmas to you.
Thank you.
Thank you. Take care.
She drives me crazy, she...
Your mother again?
- I curse the day I was born.
- Me, too.
Ha! Funny, no. I installed
everything on her phone
from Snapchat to Instagram.
All it means is that
I can disappoint her
in more ways than ever.
Mothers are hell.
Oh, yeah.
Mm.
Hello.
- Leave him to me.
- Oh!
You'll just flirt with him, and
he'll forget to buy anything.
- Hi.
- How can I help you?
Wouldn't mind finding him
in my stocking.
- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.
I came in to check on your eye.
It's fine.
- It's good luck, you know.
- What is?
Getting pooed on by a bird.
- Bollocks is it.
- No, seriously.
So I thought I'd see
if you fancied
- a little stroll with me.
- Oh, that's my luck?
- Going for a stroll with you?
- Might be.
Look, did you find me
on Swiper?
- Swiper?
- Yeah.
The modern dating application
you might have heard of.
Oh. So not.
Look, to be honest,
you're not really my type.
To be honest,
you're not really mine.
Well, maybe we should
just leave it, then.
I do like a challenge, though.
You considered BASE jumping?
- Japanese blowfish?
- No, I have,
but right now I'm considering
a little stroll with you.
Well, consider away,
because it's a no.
Is there anything
that I could improve upon
to, say, persuade you?
- No.
- Any reason in particular?
Because you're weird, this is
weird, and I don't know you.
So, please, could you
just leave, okay? Just get...
- Shoo. Just go. Just go.
- Hold on. This is weird?
Let's just...
Yeah, you're weird.
- You're strange. I don't really...
- Weirder than Grabber
- or Swiper or whatever it's called?
- Yeah.
Oh, just...
Weirder than total strangers
deciding on
one Photoshopped image
whether or not to engage
in immediate foreplay?
I'm busy.
You're weird. Goodbye.
Can...
Um... do you need any...
Good evening.
Good eve...
Can I help you?
I think so.
Go on, then.
What is it
you were looking for?
Um...
This.
That is very nice.
It's Mr. Claus, I believe.
Yes.
Upon his vehicle.
- Yes.
- Do you have something...
dissimilar?
Yes.
We have many...
dissimilar items.
Uh, for instance,
this Christmas gibbon.
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
This year
To save me from tears...
It is amusing.
I think so, too.
Special, special, special...
I'll come back for it.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Wow.
That was like watching
a short Scandinavian film.
Are you all right?
Yes, I'm fine.
Wait. Hang on.
Did you... like him?
You're so mysterious,
I can't tell.
Of course not.
Oh, my God, you did like him.
I don't know anything
about him.
And you're fantasizing, elf,
because all you seem to
think about these days is sex.
Ooh.
- Oh, my God, he's coming back.
- Where?!
Got you.
I knew you liked him.
Well, now I know.
You like your men tall,
shy and translucent,
like a squid but with bones
and less legs.
Shut up, lock up,
and good night.
Mm-hmm.
Arse, head and hole!
Piss off, Klaus!
Sorry! Late for an audition.
The next you tell me
you don't
One day you say you will
And the next
you tell me you won't...
Sorry!
Bugger.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Please wait, please wait,
please wait!
He was... he was very good.
Not for me.
- Charming.
- Jarring.
I would put him
in "maybe plus."
"Maybe plus."
Hi.
- Hi. Sorry.
- Hi. Oh.
- So sorry. I'm late.
- Sorry.
- The auditions are closed now.
- Right, yes.
I was on the list.
No, my name's Kate Andrich.
Yeah, there was just a terrible
accident on the way here.
Was, uh, Santa involved?
Well, yeah.
She was, actually, yeah.
"She"? Oh, is this like a
"God being a woman now" thing?
Oh, no, no, no.
These are just my work clothes.
- Don't worry about it.
- Where do you work?
Elf and safety?
Uh...
Not exactly.
- Uh, I'm so sorry.
- Sorry.
- You're gonna have to come back next time.
- It's too late.
Well, you know what?
Let her go.
I... Who knows? She might be
the next Streisand.
We don't know.
Plus, I've never seen an elf
audition before.
Um, yeah. Take it away,
you weird little
North Pole-ian.
It's Kate. Uh, wh-where
can I plug in my music?
The sound engineer's gone home.
- Great.
- A cappella.
The penalty for lateness.
Yeah, I can do that. Okay.
Sure.
Okay.
Raindrops on roses
and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles
and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages
tied up with string
These are a few
of my favorite things
- Stop! Stop.
- When the dog bites...
You've got the part.
Oh, uh, sorry.
No, no, no, it was, uh...
it was shit.
Oh, for God's sake.
Whoa!
- You again?
- What do you mean, "again"?
Did you follow me here?
No, I made a delivery here.
- Yeah?
- Are elves always so cynical?
Yes, relentlessly.
These are dark times.
- So, having not followed you here...
- Mm-hmm.
...and having made my delivery,
and you having bumped into me
by chance, here we are.
"Here we are"?
Well, for instance, we could go
for a walk together.
Why do you keep trying
to take me for a walk?
- I'm not a dog.
- Well, you are wearing a collar.
Oh, LOL. You know what?
I'm just not in the mood
for a walk.
Why?
Well, fine. Okay.
I was just incredibly bad
at what I do
in front of people
who could've given me a job.
I thought you had a job.
Yes, but it's not
what I "do" do.
I'm not a career elf.
Oh. What do you do?
Sing.
Wow. That's pretty amazing.
I just can't seem to...
at the moment.
Anyway, boring, boring, boring,
la, la, la, la.
I'm not bored.
Actually, who are you?
I'm Tom.
Kate.
Why are you so flexible?
Why are you dressed
like an elf?
You know why.
And you know what?
I have had my fill
of utterly hilarious elf jokes
for one night.
Cover me.
- Here?
- Here.
You are now my cupboard door.
- So, you do this often?
- Only when I have to.
- Uh...
- Okay...
Oh, piss off.
Nice covering.
I'm-I'm trying my best here.
Ooh. Thanks.
Okay.
Okay. Oh, no. Hang on.
- Where are we going?
- This way. Come on.
Oh...
- Look at that.
- Oh.
You never seen
this alleyway before?
- Nope.
- This is the narrowest alley in London.
My mate Hendo, he calls it
"Fat Man's Squeeze."
- It's pretty cool, though, isn't it?
- Sure. Why not?
I like hidden places.
Has anyone ever told you
there's something
slightly serial killer-y
about you?
No. Come to think of it,
no one's ever
- said that to me before.
- Ah.
Never more than once, anyway.
Why are you always
dancing about?
Look up.
Oh, wow.
- Are they mice?
- Yeah, I think so.
There must be a story
attached to them.
I'll have to find out one day.
- Yeah. I mean, it's very...
- Come on.
You are so strange.
- You're so weird.
- Keep looking up.
Oh! Ow.
- You okay?
- No!
Just my luck, I face-plant
into a pile of rubbish
because I wasn't looking
where I was going
like a bloody normal person.
Well, you're not
used to looking up.
Or smelling like a bin.
- Seen this?
- Seen what?
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
I've walked down this street
so many times.
I've never seen that before.
Like I say. Follow me.
Ooh.
This is cool.
Welcome to my secret
little garden.
I had no idea this existed.
Not many people do.
Oh. Have a look over there.
- It's Gideon.
- Yes.
He's recently divorced.
- Oh.
- He owes 748 in child support.
How do you know?
I heard him have a very loud
phone conversation
right behind that shrub.
Well, he probably thought
no one could hear him.
- Oh, and that's Geoff, a Mafia don.
- Really?
No. He works at Burger King.
He's also a vegan,
so very conflicted.
Who's she?
That's Ursula.
She lives in the flats
around the back.
She runs a brothel
down in Bethnal Green.
Now, some of the girls,
they used to come, take a seat,
just have a chat,
and then go back to work.
Do you think
she was giving them tips?
No.
More like a bit of support.
I want to talk to her.
No, you can't do that.
No, no, no, no, no.
Everyone keeps
everyone's secrets around here.
It's like an unspoken rule.
Well, you just told me
Gideon's.
Fair point.
You're one of us now.
So, when's your next audition?
Saturday.
- It's for Frozen.
- What's that?
You...
You really don't know?
- No, really.
- Okay. It's a film...
about two sisters
who used to get on really well,
and then don't
because one of them
has a problem with ice.
And the production is...
on ice!
Huh. So, you can skate
as well as sing?
- No.
- You can't skate?
Never tried it.
I'm gonna wing it.
It'll be cool.
I really enjoyed
our walk today.
Ditto.
Would you like to...
repeat the experience?
Would you like
to give me your number?
I don't have a phone.
What?
Oh, my God,
I was just beginning to think
you're not as weird
as you look. Uh...
Before you throw me in the bin
with the rest
of your battered conquests,
it's...
not completely true.
I do have a phone.
- It's just locked in a cupboard.
- Why?
Well, I got so tired
of staring at my hand all day.
I mean, you should try it.
That's like saying
you should try death.
I think somebody really
- wants to get hold of you.
- Yeah, no, I know.
Someone really isn't
gonna get the chance.
- She drives me crazy...
- No.
Ditch that.
All of your stresses
will just melt away.
Oh, but I just like stress.
Oi.
You getting on?
- Yeah.
- Your chariot awaits.
Indeed.
I'll see you at the store.
- Okay.
- And don't forget... look up.
Oh, for God's sake,
shut up, will you?
- Hi. Hey.
- Hi. Thank you so much.
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
- It's okay. It's okay.
And your suite, madame.
Ta-da!
You called, uh,
just before we got the crib up,
- so there was still room. Yeah.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be so good
for my sex life.
Mm...
Hey, Ruf.
- Hey, Kate.
- Thanks for this.
- Holding up?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fine. Totally fine.
- How's it all been?
She drives me crazy...
Reentry and all that.
How's Santa?
Oh, you know, fine.
Her usual, curt, Asian self.
I thought you might have
decided to move on.
No, no.
What, with something
that started as a Saturday job?
Yeah. Comfy where I am.
And, um,
uh, what about your folks
and mad Marta?
- With her law firm and her briefcase.
- Ah.
I stay out
of contact with the crazies.
Um, you know,
just to give myself
a bit of space.
Are the doctors
keeping in touch?
How about being pregnant? Huh?
For crying out loud,
how's that?
It is a total
conspiracy, is what it is.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, they lie to you about pregnancy.
You know the whole glowing,
mother-to-be image
you see in the ads?
- Yeah.
- It's just bollocks.
You know, genuine bollocks.
It's just
a nine-month-long trauma
- spent piddling into cups...
- Of course it is.
...being poked up the vag
by strangers with cold hands,
and, you know, if men
had to do this shit,
we would have
contraceptive beer.
You know, actually,
if men had to do it,
the human race
would just die out.
- Sh...
- No, Ruf.
I know you know all this,
and I know you're fed up
with feminism
in general, but...
I'm not fed up with feminism.
No, I mean,
she's not listening.
That's not right.
This is a fish knife.
I'm trying to cut a passion
fruit with a fish knife.
If anyone can do it, you can.
It's your fault.
You did this.
Wake me up before you go-go
Don't leave me hanging on
like a yo-yo
Wake me up...
Wha...
Hey, Sleeping Beauty.
- Hi.
- Come and grab some food.
Oh, yeah.
Good sleeping.
Anyone up for a,
you know, pizza?
Bottle of Rioja?
Mm. Celiac.
Oh, yeah. I forgot.
And preggers, so we ain't
drinking, either, party girl.
Okay. Well, I'm off out.
Okay. I'll see you later.
I won't be too late.
I promise.
Yeah, all right. Peace out.
Don't.
She's my oldest friend.
I know it seems like she's...
The most selfish woman
in the world?
Oof. Harsh.
She's been ill.
I'm over the galleon,
but one more thing,
and my legendary patience
will crumble.
Don't bring that up.
She burned her eyebrows off.
Her eyebrows will grow back.
You know what won't grow back?
Oh, my...
My matchstick galleon.
No, I agree.
One, and she's out.
Wakey, wakey, London.
Here's something
to start your day.
- Mm, ma chrie.
- No!
Not again! Stop. Shh.
Okay. Thank you.
You take me for
the full English now?
No, mate. You had
the full English last night.
Sortez.
Hi.
Morning. Hello.
Happy? A good morning.
It's brilliant.
It's lovely, isn't it?
Well, someone looks not rested.
What? Me? No, fine.
Totally fine.
Able to leap sofas
in a single bound...
- No, no!
- Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Just gonna
write this out for you.
Oh, they've had a
right go in here, haven't they?
- Oh, God.
- Probably just kids.
- Yeah, I reckon it's just kids.
- Just kids.
- Yeah.
- Like, yeah, I just said.
This is your crime number.
You'll need it for insurance.
- Thank you.
- What happened?
Break-in, I'm afraid.
Very common this time of year.
- Place like this is a prime target.
- Mm.
Lovely, it is.
Is that a crocodile
with pompoms?
Yes.
And, uh, who... who's this?
This is my employee.
She locked up last night,
so please ask her
if she saw anything.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Are you writing that down?
I am.
How do you spell "ordinary"?
Well, we're done here.
We'll be in touch
if we hear anything.
Mm, pity.
It's a lovely place.
- It is. I love Christmas.
- No, you don't.
You make
"have a merry Christmas"
sound like a death threat.
What are you talking about?
Merry Christmas.
Have yourself
a merry Christmas, yeah?
- You see? You just did it.
- What do you mean,
- I just did it?
- You just did it.
Let me get my phone out.
I'll record you,
and you'll realize
you sound like Jason Statham.
Well, that's a good thing,
'cause I love Jason Statham,
- so that's not even an insult.
- Santa, I...
- Don't talk to me.
- But, listen, I...
I said, "Don't talk to me."
You forgot to lock up.
Don't deny it.
Well, I can pay you back.
Now, you listen to me
and you listen good.
You were great at your job
when you started.
That's why I took you on
full-time.
You've got a way with people,
and I felt so lucky
to have you.
Thanks.
But I don't feel lucky anymore.
Since you came back,
you started losing your shit.
It's like you don't care
about anything.
So, now, you care about this.
I had to smash my own window
to make it look
like a break-in.
Otherwise,
I wouldn't get the insurance.
You turned me into someone
who broke the law.
I can't believe I'm even
giving you another chance,
but I am because...
- I am a good person.
- Yeah.
But one more thing,
and you're out.
So clean up your mess,
you stupid, stupid girl.
Joy to the world
The Lord is come
Let Earth receive her King
Let every heart
Prepare him room
And Heaven and nature sing
And Heaven
and nature sing
And Heaven,
and Heaven and nature sing...
- Hey.
- Hey.
Were you coming to see me?
- No.
- Oh.
Great.
You okay?
Yeah. No, we had a break-in,
- and Santa's taken it really badly.
- Right.
And I got chucked out
of my digs this morning,
- so I've got nowhere to stay.
- Mm.
Anyway, I'm homeless again.
- That bad, huh?
- Yep.
Okay.
You should come with me, then.
You were so coming to see me.
- Mm-mm.
- Yep.
- Nope.
- Yep.
Not in your wildest dreams.
- Uh, yeah.
- This way.
- Yeah, you were so coming to see me.
- Uh-uh.
Here we are.
- What is this?
- Your people.
The homeless.
Oh, Christ.
Well, thanks,
Bono or Mother Teresa
or whoever wins
the moral superiority prize.
You're the one who used
the word "homeless."
I meant I haven't got a place
to stay that I've chosen.
I choose not to go back
to my parents' house.
And they live here in London?
Yeah, kinda, sorta.
Christ, if I'm going home,
I'm gonna need a drink.
How about you leave it and
you go home alarmingly sober?
Oh, bugger off, person who has
never met my parents.
Okay.
Where are you going?
I'm going in there.
Well, you're not homeless.
No, I volunteer in here.
Christ, why don't you just get
"saint" tattooed
on your forehead?
- Oh, boy.
- This is...
Just can't help it, can you?
What?
Never mind.
Good luck.
- Good night.
- Ugh.
Somebody told me
"Boy, everything she wants
is everything she sees"
I guess I must have
loved you
Because I said you were
the perfect girl for me
Baby
And now we're
six months older
And everything you want
and everything you see
Hi. Yeah, I need a cab.
Is out of reach,
not good enough
I don't know what the hell
you want from me, oh...
I honestly think she
preferred it when I was ill.
You know? Like it made her
more important.
More center stage.
- Hmm.
- And all she's done, really,
since the operation
is try to interfere
and control my life.
You know, how do you even know
if you have a life?
Does anything official arrive
that tells you?
Like an envelope and something
that's like, "Dear so-and-so,
you now have a life.
We wish you'd get on with it."
- Hmm.
- Oh, everything's just such a mess.
How did I even get here?
Through the tunnel.
Yeah.
Here we are.
Mm. Thanks, Dad.
Mwah.
- You coming in?
- No, no, no.
Your mother is still up.
I like to wait
until she's asleep.
She talks less.
Why don't you just
get a divorce? Huh?
- Mm.
- Been avoiding each other for years.
No.
No, divorce is for the rich.
Ah.
Get some rest, Katarina.
You look done in.
- It's "Kate."
- Ah.
Don't pick up anyone dodgy.
Yeah.
Love you.
Mum?
Mum, would you let me in?
Mum? Would... Mum!
Nailed it shut. Mental.
KGB! Open up!
- KGB!
- Ne, ne, ne, ne.
Ne, ne, ne, ne. Stop.
Stop. You are very bad girl.
Would you prefer the KGB?
KGB.
You don't make joke about
what you don't understand.
Yeah, well, can I just come in?
Can I...
- What you done? You look like dead person.
- Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Great parenting. Great.
- Why don't you do it inside?
- Why don't you ring me?
You have phone.
Uh, it-it's broken.
Why you not ring me
when I worry about you?!
Not to hear nothing.
No call, no Twitter,
no Snap... chat shot.
I think she's dead,
she's had lapse,
she's never coming home,
like her father
who is never here.
My life is hell, Katarina.
It's "Kate." It's "Kate."
"Kate" is not a name.
"Katarina" is name.
Katarina.
Cat is animal.
Cat, dog.
What I call Marta? Dog.
I call you cat.
Meow.
Yeah, no, great,
but can I get some sleep?
One of us should sleep.
I don't sleep.
- Yeah.
- This is very...
- This is naughty.
- Yeah.
Mum!
Can I please just go to sleep?
Yes, you sleep.
We talk morning.
- You are clean, hmm?
- This... Yeah, yeah, um...
- Pillow. Pillow.
- Okay. Um, yeah, it's a pillow.
- Head. Sleep.
- Yeah, I am gonna...
I'm good.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay.
- Good night.
- Naughty.
Oh, God.
Mm.
Spavaj
Dete, spavaj
Poljubac
Na kraju
Detko moze
Snivat...
So, uh, tell me about the diet.
- Keeping up with the fruit and veg?
- Yeah, fine.
She's eating rubbish
when she is outside.
When she's at home, she's
eating my food, and it's good.
I'm sure it is.
Uh, what about sleep?
- Yeah, it's all right.
- She never sleeps.
- Exercise?
- Religiously. - Not at all.
- Alcohol?
- Every once in a while.
Oh, she's drinking
like the pirate.
- You say you're okay.
- Yep.
And your mother says
the opposite. Who do I believe?
- Me, obviously.
- Me, the mother, of course.
All right, all right, listen.
There's nothing
conclusive here,
but you, Kate, you've got to
take care of your heart.
You need to rest more,
- eat better, drink less...
- Da. Da. Da.
- and stop being so angry.
- Da.
And you, Mrs. Andrich...
you need to worry less.
I not sleeping.
Can you please give me
something for sleeping?
Mrs. Andrich, you've been given
everything there is
for sleep, anxiety,
panic attacks, the lot.
You have the best that
modern medicine has to offer.
- Then what can I do?
- Join a club.
Hmm? Talk to other people.
Enjoy time with your friends.
- All my friends were murdered.
- Okay, fine.
Thank you, Doctor. Thank you
so much for your time.
- But it's-it's true.
- Let's go, Mum. Come on.
- They took them.
- Mum, come on. Come on. I know.
- Thank you. Um...
- Come on, Mama, out we get. Sorry.
- Sorry. Let's go.
- Kate, we'll see you in a... in a month.
See you next year.
- There you go. All right.
- I am comin. I come.
- Get-get out the... Right.
- I'm coming.
- Thank you.
- Bloody hell.
Can I help?
No.
I'm having a self-pity party.
Ooh.
Am I invited?
Well, only if you promise
to judge me.
Oh, you definitely don't need
any help doing that.
Or maybe you do.
I'm very good at tidying up.
Yes.
These expensive?
Idiot. Follow me.
Ah.
Tra-la.
All right, Mr. Muscle, you can
get to refreshing that tree.
- This one?
- Yeah.
Going home
always makes me crazy.
How was it?
Hell. Mum sung me to sleep.
You're the only person
who can make being sung to
sleep sound like waterboarding.
Well, it's not that dissimilar.
These, um, folk songs
make you want
to string yourself up.
Is that where you get
your singing from?
Yeah, she was a singer
back in, um, the homeland.
Where was that?
Former Yugoslavia.
We had to escape.
- 'Cause of the war?
- Exactly.
Mm. Must have been hard.
Yeah. Dad was a lawyer.
Um, and now he stays away
from home as much as he can
because he'd rather be dead.
Except he's a minicab driver,
which is sort of
the same thing.
Can he not practice here?
No, he couldn't afford
to retrain,
so he's out all the time.
Also to avoid my mother,
who's given to depression
in much the same way as, um...
What?
You're looking at me like
some sort of science experiment
that's gone wrong.
Sorry.
- No, I'm interested.
- Huh.
I mean, your mother...
when was the last time
you saw her
not being depressed?
Ooh, I think
when I got really ill.
And she was happy about that?
No, but she was happy
about the attention.
I mean,
I got a lot of attention,
but I was unconscious.
She got more.
Just the doctors,
the nurses, the hospital staff.
Drama. God, she loved it.
She sort of flowered
under it like a...
like a late blossoming
or something.
Anyway, when I got better,
it all went away,
and she's just never
been the same since.
Well, maybe she enjoyed
being needed again.
Oh, trust you to come up
with something understanding.
That is truly horrific.
I mean, who buys this stuff?
Santa. She's Chinese,
so she's, you know,
got access to some
really freaky outlets.
She just loves Christmas
more than anything else.
- More than taste or sanity.
- Yes, exactly.
And that isn't even
the nastiest thing we sell.
Inconceivable.
Hang on.
- Dun, dun, dun!
- Oh!
- Check it out.
- What is it?
- Is that donkey actually smiling at me?
- Yeah. Yeah.
And that baby
has a full set of teeth.
- Oof.
- I sold four of these last week. I'm that good.
Oh, it's a...
oh, it's a techno manger.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Cool.
It's a disco nativity scene.
Is that really
a good nutritional choice?
Oh, God, don't you start.
Where are you?
Look up.
Yeah.
Yeah, after you...
what you've been through,
I mean, shouldn't you be eating
quinoa or kale or something?
Yeah, but this
admittedly rank burger
is all part of my grand plan
to become a famous singer
and die like Kurt Cobain,
Amy Winehouse and all the rest
at the age of 27.
- How old are you?
- 45.
Oh. Good to have dreams.
Not really. I'm 26.
Oh, thank God.
You still have time.
- Come on. Get rid of that.
- Where...? Wait.
Let's go.
I've got a surprise for you.
- Ugh, really?
- Mm, yummy!
There's something wrong
with me, you know.
I'm too trusting.
Down a dark alley again
with a complete stranger.
I don't even...
I mean, seriously,
- where are you...
- Pop yourself over here.
- All right, then.
- Need a hand?
No.
- Oh, Christ.
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! That looked painful.
- Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine!
- Ah, you... you're fine.
That was like poetry in motion.
- Piss off.
- Come on.
Sure. Never wanted kids anyway.
Okay.
Now I am intrigued.
- How are you gonna dispose of my body?
- Shh...
- Shh!
- I... am shh-ing.
Stay back.
Are you seriously doing
a James Bond impression?
Now is not the time
for unpleasantness.
Now is the time... for romance!
You like?
I like, yeah.
Let's go.
These are the days
of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days of
the beggars and the choosers
This is the year
of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand with ignorance
And legitimate excuses
The rich declare
themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much
But we'll take our chances
'Cause God's stopped
keeping score
I guess somewhere
along the way
He must have let us
all out to play
Turned his back,
and all God's children
Crept out the back door
Well, maybe
we should all be
Praying for time...
- Oi!
- Oh, sorry! - Oh, crap.
- You can't be in here!
- Yeah, no. - Sorry, no.
- We're-we're leaving.
- Absolutely, we're leaving.
- Sorry...
- Whoa!
Oh!
Ow!
I'm coming. I'm com...
I would, uh... I'd call that
a successful date.
Fun, free, illegal, romantic.
And practical, too. Don't forget.
Why practical?
Your audition.
- Remember?
- Yes.
I'd like to think that I played
a part in your rise to stardom.
Remember me when you're at the top.
No chance. Tom who?
Actually, Tom who?
Webster.
Huh.
You look like a Webster.
Now what?
Now I've got to go to work.
Um...
You knew.
- I work nights.
- Yes.
I knew.
It's night. Cool. Okay.
How you gonna get home?
Oh, the bus.
You gonna be okay?
As okay as I'll ever be
on the bus.
Okay, then.
I'll come find you at the shop.
I'm not sure
if I've still got a job.
Santa kind of hates me.
Maybe you should do
something nice for Santa.
Good luck.
Look up.
Christ.
So, this is our selection
- of nutcrackers.
- Working hard over here.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
You know, from the ballet?
- Tchaikovsky?
- Ah.
Which kind of music is this?
- I want something to be...
- Listen. Be quiet.
This is Christmas music.
You must enjoy it.
This is a big nutcracker.
Can my nuts fit inside there?
Uh, depends on
how big are your nuts.
But it's too big.
We can't take that with us.
Santa, um, I think
I can take over from there.
Because, um, there's also
someone here, a gentleman,
who requires
your specific assistance.
Yes, you can have a look.
Think about it.
I'm gonna show you to
the even bigger nutcrackers
around the corner.
There's bigger nuts?
- For your big nuts. Here we are.
- Oh.
Have you come back
for the gibbon?
Of all the things in my life,
this is my best thing.
What is?
Christmas.
Really?
This is why I love
to come in here.
I also love it.
That is why I have this shop.
Oh, wow.
Have a holly jolly
Christmas
And in case you didn't hear
Oh, by golly
Have a holly jolly Christmas
this year.
Kate, that was lovely.
Thank you.
Wonderful.
I can smell the commitment.
Do you know we have people
turn up here,
never been
on an ice rink before?
I just couldn't imagine.
Do you know we had a woman
turn up in a crop top?
- In a crop top to audition.
- Yeah, I remember.
Do you remember her flip-flops?
- Remember those?
- Of course I remember. - I remember.
Thank you. We'll be in touch.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
I think she'd be good
for the horse. Don't you think?
- No, we can...
- Oh, no!
- Are you all right?
- I, uh... I did that
just in case you thought
I was too perfect.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank goodness
for a heavy woolen tight.
Idiot.
Skaters fall. It's fine.
...at the same time.
Also, nobody's clapping.
So, it went well,
and I am happy.
Good.
All set for your date?
Good Lord.
Okay.
- Right, um...
- What?
We're just gonna need
to dial this down.
I'm making an effort.
He's gonna think he's wandered
into the llama enclosure.
Close.
Ow.
Mm-hmm.
- Ow.
- Oh, yeah.
Serves you right.
So I defer to the Swiper queen.
- Blot.
- Mm, mm.
There we are.
So, where is See-Through
taking you?
- I have no idea.
- What's his name?
I can't pronounce it.
Lots of glottal stops.
"Yogh..."
Oh, when I try to say it,
I sound like a cat
with a fur ball.
So I've decided
to call him "Boy."
Mm. Well, at least your name's
easier to pronounce.
What? Huang Qing Shin?
You're not really called Santa?
Of course not, idiot.
- I chose it for the shop.
- Really?
Yeah, when I worked
at the pet shop,
I called myself Kitty.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
And at the health food shop,
I was Miso.
- No, no.
- Mm-hmm. Yes, yes.
Guess what it was in the bakery
on the Edgware Road.
Uh, Crumpet?
- Sausage Roll?
- Muffin.
- Muffin?
- "Muff" for short.
Excellent.
More important is:
how do I look?
Really hot.
Did you just giggle
like a girl?
I am a girl.
- Not really.
- Oh, shut up.
And where's this man of yours?
The one you keep
looking out the window for
instead of working.
Oh, he's just... I don't know.
He hasn't got a phone.
- Oh. He's wise.
- Mm.
- What is he doing with you?
- Nothing.
Mm.
Don't worry, elf.
He'll turn up.
We woke him up.
Hi. Excuse me.
I'm just looking for someone.
- Who's that, then?
- Uh, Tom.
Ta-ta-ta. Would you like
a biscuit, Arthur?
Have you got a bourbon,
Danny boy?
No, but can I press you
to a custard cream?
Ooh.
I wish somebody would.
- Tom, did you say?
- Yeah.
Tom. Um, h-he's tall...
Tom!
Take your pick, young lady.
Right. Yeah, see, the thing is,
he's not homeless.
Well, what's he
doing here, then?
Um, well, he works here.
- Nights, I think.
- Ah.
Well, I don't see
the night lot, me.
- He must be a volunteer.
- Yes. That's...
Oi, Danny! Give us a hand?
Speaking of which,
be a pet and serve the teas
while I get the soup sorted.
And only
two biscuits each, mind.
I'm not made
of bloody biscuits.
And watch this one,
'cause last week,
he filled his pockets.
Come on, then! Tea's up!
Okay.
I'm Tom.
- Ex-grenadier. Will I do?
- Lovely. Um...
Do you know, actually, it's...
a whole different Tom.
But would you like a biscuit?
I could... make some tea.
Just the two, then?
Just...
Anyone like a cup of tea?
Try and keep it down to...
Oi, oi.
Nice of you to volunteer.
Well, I-I didn't.
I was press-ganged.
You want to help us
with the soup?
No. Thank you, but no.
If Tom Webster does come in,
could you just tell him
that Kate needs to talk to him?
- Not "needs."
- "Would like"?
Yeah. Yeah.
- Got it.
- Yeah, 'cause he doesn't have a phone.
Would you like a bowl of soup?
You've earned it.
No, I'm good. Thanks.
Dan, what do you reckon?
Bit up herself, I thought.
- Yeah.
- And-and she's very happy.
- She was.
- You show... I show you picture.
- You showed me, Mum.
- A little beautiful picture.
- You showed me last time.
- Easy, easy, easy.
- And she's a...
- Hey.
- Ah! Oh, at last.
- Hey. Uh, there she is.
Ah. Hey, at last.
I was so worry.
Where you are, huh?
- Huh?
- Um, I was volunteering at a homeless shelter.
- Uh, what it mean?
- It means helping, Mum.
- You? Helping?
- Yes.
- Ha, yeah. Sure you were.
- Oh, really?
And I just rescued an orphan
from a burning car.
Did I miss something?
Oh, wow.
Oh, jebote, Marta.
I'm sorry.
The dinner to celebrate
your promotion.
Second promotion.
- Second.
- Great achievement.
Thank you, Dad.
Now you are here,
we have krem torta.
I'm sorry.
Seriously, Marta, I am sorry.
It doesn't matter.
- Oh, thanks a lot, Mum.
- Your favorite.
- I'm all right, actually.
- What? So, is there
something wrong
with your favorite cake now?
No. I'm just not hungry.
Well, I'm...
There's always something,
isn't there?
Like, you're hungry,
you're not hungry.
You're tired,
you're overexcited.
- You've got a tummy ache.
- Give...
Gosh, you're so tiresome,
Katarina.
Nabijem te na kurac, Marta.
It's "Kate."
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You taught her
this terrible word?
- Of course not.
- Do you actually even
know what
"nabijem te na kurac" means?
Uh, yeah, I actually do.
It means,
"I will nail you to my dick."
- Yeah, I knew that.
- Not "dick." "Penis."
Well, "dick" means "penis."
- "Dick" means "penis"?
- "Dick" means "penis." Yeah.
- No, Dick is our neighbor.
- It also means "penis."
Dick, our-our neighbor,
is called "penis"?
Dick is penis. Penis is dick.
That's the same word.
- Would you stop saying "dick" and "penis"?
- It's just...
- I'm trying to explain.
- Uh, uh, whatever, you know.
- I'm just so bored of your shit.
- Marta, stop. She's ill.
- She's not ill anymore, Mum.
- She is not ill anymore, Petra.
And what you know?
What you know anything
about this family?
You're never here.
I'm not ill anymore, all right?
No, she is still ill...
why is she still
working in silly Christmas shop
when she was always
the b-bright one?
Nabijem te na kurac.
You are very hard worker.
Wha... Oh, right, yeah,
well, well, apparently,
with my pathetic,
inferior little brain.
Now she's wasting her life,
which only a miracle save her.
Wasting my life. Thanks, Mum.
And you have job you dream of.
Yeah, except that I didn't
dream of it, did I? You did.
You know, Dad can't be
a lawyer here, so I had to be.
No matter what I might have
actually wanted to do.
Yeah, would you rather
drive minicab?
Look what it done to him.
He look thousand years old.
Oh, thanks.
- Nabijem I tebe na kurac.
- And you...
y-you sit there, and you think
it's absolutely acceptable
to say that she's cleverer
than me.
And I'm expected to swallow it
just because she's been ill.
- Marta, calm down.
- No, don't you dare
tell me to calm down, all right?
- Marta.
- All right, you don't care about anything,
Katarina, or Kate,
or whatever your name is now,
because you're ashamed
of who you are.
Oh, I'm ashamed of who I am?
What about you?
Where's Alba?
Shut up.
On your big celebration dinner,
where is your girlfriend?
Alba?
Alba is...
Alba is Marta's flatmate.
Yeah, and that's how
it's always gonna be.
I bet she's really happy
about that.
What she say?
Oh, God,
you're a piece of work.
Marta.
- Marta.
- Marta.
Eh.
Eat. You look like skeleton.
I got to go.
Goodbye, Mum.
I will nail you to my dick.
So every day I see you
In some other face
They crack a smile,
talk a while
Try to take your place
Mm
My memory
My memory serves me
far too well
I just sit here
on this mountain
Thinking to myself,
you're a fool, boy
Why don't you go down,
find somebody
Find somebody else
My memory, my memory
Serves me far too well...
Hey.
What are you doing out so late?
Well, where have you been?
- What's up?
- "What's up?"
Me not being able
to find you is what's up.
You just... you've been
disappearing for days on end.
- Two days.
- And I've been trying to find you.
So take your stupid phone
out of your stupid cupboard
and contact me, all right?
'Cause...
because I've just been
really stupid.
I've been
really, really stupid.
I mean, it's a bit
of a stretch, but...
have you had a couple drinks?
Oh, bugger off
with your cleanly manliness.
All right?
Just... just go back to work.
Leave me alone.
No, I've just come back
from helping the needy.
Great.
You know, just a bit
of psych work.
I work with
the severely distressed.
You know,
when they get off on one.
- Ah.
- In fact,
you're severely distressed
and have just gone off on one,
so I'm glad that we bumped
into each other.
Shall we go get my phone
from that cupboard?
Okay.
Let's go.
Where are you taking me?
Home.
- It's down here.
- Yeah.
Come on in.
Uh, wow.
You weren't kidding.
Place is so tidy.
- Come take a seat.
- No. Uh, no.
I can't. I'll crease something
or just spontaneously wee.
I'm gonna... sit on the floor.
There's plenty of seats.
Nice landing.
You're not yourself.
No?
Maybe I'm wrong.
Wrong about what?
Maybe this is more you
than anything.
I'm a mess.
Kind of.
In here.
When I was ill,
it was a heart thing.
Right.
I had a heart transplant.
I don't tell people,
'cause they get weird,
but I don't think
you'll get weird.
No.
Is this okay?
They took out my heart.
They took it and threw it away.
And I... and I don't know
what they put back,
but it felt weird and different
and strange and...
and like I'd lost
my most special part.
And they kept telling me
I was lucky to be alive.
But I didn't feel alive.
I just felt half dead.
Come here.
I was supposed to be special.
I didn't ask to be, but...
they made me feel special
when I was ill.
And then I was special
when I nearly died
and had a transplant, but...
then they just expected me to
be normal and get on with life.
There's no such thing
as normal.
It's a stupid word.
Does a lot of damage.
Nothing feels right.
You're the only person
that makes me feel, like,
I don't know...
...solid.
Like I exist.
I'm a part-time cycle courier
who doesn't even have a phone.
I know.
It's pretty sad.
And I could sing before.
Turns out...
I can't do anything.
I think the whole special...
being-special thing
is overrated.
I think just to be
a human being is hard.
You know, really hard.
You seem to manage all right.
One thing someone said to me
helped me.
"Every little action
of the common day
makes or unmakes character."
It just means that you're built
of everything you do.
And that's okay.
Who am I?
I don't know.
What's all this
"me" business anyway?
Hmm? What's wrong with...
not knowing, you know,
being inconsistent?
Just uncertain.
Why do you have to be anything?
Tom.
Yeah?
Can we lie down?
Absolutely.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Ooh. Gently does it.
Oh, my God.
Jump in there.
- Oh, the bed.
- In the bed there.
Bed.
What...?
Tom, I said... "we."
This is close enough for now.
- We hardly know each other.
- Wha...?
What do you mean?
We ju... we ju...
I just told you everything
there is to know about me.
There is nothing more to know.
You've just poured out
some very heavy-duty stuff.
I think you should just
sleep for a bit.
Sing me to sleep?
- Like your mum?
- No, no.
Oh, dear God, not like my mum.
I'm a terrible singer, really.
- Everyone can sing.
- Mm-mm. Not me.
You sing.
You're the singer.
If I sing a lullaby...
will you kiss me good night?
Let me tell you a secret
Put it in your heart
and keep it
Something that
I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
Maybe we'll have
something to show
You tell me
you're cold on the inside
How can the outside world
Be a place that
your heart can embrace?
Be good to yourself
'Cause nobody else
Has the power
to make you happy.
Go to sleep.
Mm.
Do do do, do do do do
Do do do do,
do do do do do do
Let me tell you a secret
Put it in your heart
and keep it
Something that
I want you to know
Do something for me
Listen to my simple story
And maybe we'll have
something to show
You tell me you're cold
on the inside
Can I get one of them?
There you go.
How can the outside world
Be a place that
your heart can embrace?
Be good to yourself
'Cause nobody else
Has the power
to make you...
They called today
the Brexit Betrayal Rally.
- And UKIP said...
- Mum?
- Mum?
- They hate us.
You all right?
They send us all back.
Hmm, you're early.
Don't tell me even your mother
kicked you out.
No, I'm just...
doing something for someone.
- How was your date?
- Really nice.
Are you really gonna
call him Boy?
- He likes it.
- What does he do?
He's an expert on sauerkraut.
Mm, you're kidding.
I wish I were.
Now I must learn
to love sauerkraut.
Which will be hard because
I am not a sour person.
You'll do it for love.
Hey, there's a latte for you
on the shelf.
What do you want?
Nothing.
Then why?
Well, uh, 'cause it's Monday.
Get to work.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is
to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Hey, jingle bells,
jingle bells
- What have we here, then?
- Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells,
jingle bells...
Uh, you know we could book you
for causing an obstruction?
Oh, all right now,
PC Trenchant Old Baggage.
Just leave her alone.
No, I'm just saying,
she's causing an obstruction.
Turn a blind eye.
'Tis the season to be jolly,
fa-la-la-la-la...
Well, that is quite
the slippery slope.
What next, huh?
- Turn a blind eye to robbery?
- Oh, come on, you.
- Arson?
- Come on, now.
Murder?
You have been like this
all day.
Laughing all the way,
ha-ha-ha
Bells on bobtail ring
Making spirits fly
What fun it is
to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
Hey.
Yeah!
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season
to be jolly...
5.75, two euros
and a Fox's Glacier Mint.
- Less than minimum wage, then.
- Oi.
Yeah, no, I...
I know it's not much.
No, that's-that's an hour
of pure heart and soul.
You know,
that's-that's riches, that is.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
So, did you find
your Tom, then?
Yeah.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
Yeah, good for you.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna leave that...
right there.
Go nicely with your tea.
- See you soon.
- See you.
- See you later.
- Bye. - Bye.
Don't even know
where that's been.
Dan, she doesn't have to help,
you know.
Listen, I've seen more of these
little middle-class do-gooders
than you've had
hot dinners, mate.
Dan, I can't take
your attitude.
You're so negative.
Eat your mint.
So I didn't get
that Frozen job.
You're fired.
No, it's funny. I'm all right
about it, actually.
I'm not sure how I feel about
the whole auditioning thing
in general.
I'm not sure
it's that good for me.
I might just give it a break.
- What's wrong with you?
- What?
That sounds like
quite a healthy choice.
I haven't heard you make one
of those in a very long time.
Well, don't panic.
I will go out
and get shit-faced later.
You're rehired.
Ooh.
Hello, Boy.
It is a fermented
mini cabbage hedge.
Blimey.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
It was my grandmother's.
Oh, that's... lovely.
That's very nice.
- Mm.
- Go away.
I'm dreaming
Of a white Christmas...
Well,
I guess it would be nice
If I could touch your body
I know not everybody
Has got a body like you, oh
But I gotta think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know
all the games you play
Because I played them, too
Oh, but I need
some time off...
Donald,
where's your troosers?
Time to pick
my heart up off the floor...
27.35...
some sort of
a weird token thing
and a Strepsil.
It's coming along nicely.
Yeah, that's 'cause of Arthur.
Bollocks it is.
I gotta have faith
Because I got to have
faith, faith, faith.
Arthur, you-you do know that
you don't have to audition.
- Well, I want to.
- But you're in.
Well, they'll think I'm a dick
if I don't.
- Fair enough.
- Fair enough. Yeah.
There was a young lady
called Florrie
Who laid on her back
in a quarry
"I'm ready!" she cried
With her legs open wide...
Uh-huh, I'll have a
Blue Christmas
without you...
Melody, melody...
God rest you merry,
gentlemen...
I could drop quite easily.
I just...
Oh, this is my, uh, floor show.
Land of hope and glory
Mother of...
Thank you very much.
- Anyway...
- So, how's your Tom?
Oh, well, I just wish I knew.
I haven't heard from him
in days.
He's disappeared again.
It's a bit annoying,
if I'm honest.
He seems to be
disappearing a lot.
Is he a magician?
Well, you never know.
Probably just scared
of what he feels about you.
You know, blokes and that.
Yeah.
- Well...
- Bon apptit.
Boom. Thank you.
- See you soon, Kate.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
How've you been?
Missing you.
Mm.
Mm.
Missing and kissing.
It's almost like
we're having a relationship.
Kate, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Oh, God.
The "there's something I've got
to tell you" moment. Okay.
Okay, let's go
through the list.
Um...
You're gay?
- No, it's...
- Married?
- No, there's...
- Uh, y-you need space?
You can't depend on me.
I don't depend on you.
- Kate.
- Who said anything
about depending on anyone?
Listen, you said it yourself.
I mean, you've been
having a tough time
after all the trauma and...
Look, I'm just worried...
Oh, so now it's my issue?
- No, you...
- Look, if this is about commitment,
then you just need to say it,
because I...
I can't do this anymore.
I look for you.
I look for you everywhere,
and you're never there.
And it makes me feel
really bad about myself.
And I'm finally getting better
and not feeling bad
about myself.
I'm not gonna heal my heart
and then give it to someone
who is going to break it.
I won't.
No, Kate...
Why don't you lot go back
to where you came from?
Yeah, you.
Speak English, or get out
of my sodding country.
All of ya!
- Hello.
- Hi.
Alba?
I'm Kate.
- Kate?
- Katarina.
Yep. Just wondering
if Marta was in.
She doesn't want
to talk to you.
Yeah. Okay.
I understand. Uh...
Could you just tell her
that I'm very sorry?
That I will probably
never stop being sorry.
That I'm glad that she has you.
I'm... and I'm-I'm sorry...
that you and I
never got the chance
to know each other.
- Wait.
- Oh, for God's sake.
Hi. Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about everything.
Please don't come here
uninvited again.
I wish Mum and Dad knew
you were happy.
It's none of their business.
All right, saying sorry
doesn't change everything.
You do understand that?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Hey.
Look.
We weren't so lucky, you and I.
Mum is a piece of work.
You're right about that.
But I guess maybe we're all
a bit damaged in this family.
And I do appreciate you
stopping by.
I've had enough of danger
Um, one second.
And people
on the streets...
Hey.
Hi.
Um, I was just...
I was just wondering
if I could buy you a drink.
You look like you need another.
Just trying to find
some peace
Actually, I don't.
Now I think it's time...
I really don't.
Thank you, though.
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don't
Just let me go
'Cause, teacher...
Thanks.
That is really nice.
Hmm.
Mm.
Was that physical intimacy?
That was minimal.
How's Boy?
Interesting... and weird.
I've never eaten
so much fermented cabbage.
Have you had sex yet?
No.
Hmm, all right.
And have you had sex
with, uh, Tom yet?
- No.
- Ah, so?
No, it's never gonna happen.
Why?
Well, we...
He just won't commit
because he thinks
I depend on him too much,
and he basically said
that I had made a career
out of being a victim.
Hmm.
I like this man.
Let me see.
"A very messy Christmas."
I'm sorry, Mr. Baldrick...
Hi, Mum.
Mamice.
Ah.
- Mamice.
- Moje cedo.
Mamice.
Ah, yeah. Mm.
- Aw. Aw. Moje cedo.
- Mm.
They're not gonna
send you back.
You live here.
This is your home.
I know how it start.
They point a finger.
They say, "Those people,
they are reason
your life is bad."
And people believe.
- They believe.
- I know.
I know.
I blame the Poles.
Okay.
Okay.
Cup of tea?
- Hmm? Nice cup of tea.
- Okay. Hvala.
Nice cup of tea. Okay.
I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith
in the sound
It's the one good thing
that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
'Cause I would really,
really love to stick around
Oh, yeah
- Just a little, tiny...
- Mm, tiny, tiny.
Very small.
Cheers.
Bravo, Mama.
Heaven knows
I was just a young boy
Didn't know
what I wanted to be
Didn't know what
I wanted to be
I was every little hungry
schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was
enough for me
I said I guess it was
enough for me...
Yeah?
It'll do.
Sorry, mate.
Brand-new clothes
and a big fat place
On your rock-and-roll TV
Rock-and-roll TV...
Tell Rufus this one's
much harder to torch.
I nearly popped
the baby out then.
I think there's something
you should know
I think it's time
I told you so
There's something
deep inside of me
There's someone else
I've got to be
Take back
your picture in a frame
Take back your singing
in the rain
I just hope you understand
That sometimes the clothes
do not make the man
All we have to do now
Is take these lies
And make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't...
What?
- No, I do not want you to keep the staplers.
- Tom?
No, that one is down 30 thou.
- Yeah, it's a real turd of a flat. Uh...
- Tom?
Someone's here.
Look, okay, bye.
Sorry.
It's been a mad day.
I'm Andy.
Sorry I'm so casual.
- Oh, that's okay.
- It's just...
Are you M-Mrs. Challis?
No, no. Sorry.
No, I didn't think you were.
No. Are you waiting for Tom?
Uh, I don't think so,
unless he's with you.
- No, no. I just came to find him.
- Oh.
- He'll probably turn up.
- Right.
So, shall we get started, then?
Ooh, started on what?
Just taking a little look, huh?
Right, well, I've looked, and there it is.
Small but compact.
It's neat.
And that's one
of its selling points.
- It's for sale?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Freehold this one,
not for rental. Yeah.
That's why he keeps it so tidy.
Oh, yeah. There's no room
for clutter here.
But there is plenty
of storage space.
Et voil.
Huh. What have we got here?
Oh, my God.
Literally in the cupboard.
No wonder it died.
- I'll give it to him. Don't worry.
- Give it to who?
- Tom.
- Who's that, then?
Tom, who lives here
but is selling the flat.
No. No one lives here.
It's-it's been empty
for months.
Maybe he was squatting.
What?
Was there a squatter here?
- Oh, bloody hell.
- Um...
Excuse my language.
It's typical, that is.
It's all that probate stuff
that stops us
- from getting on with our jobs. That's the prob...
- "Probate"?
Yeah, you know,
when someone dies.
It's a pain in the fundament.
Who's died?
Oh, previous owner.
Who...?
Uh, someone Webster, I think.
Uh, youngish bloke.
Sad, really.
It was last Christmas,
by all accounts.
Madam. Hello.
Madam?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
You just sort of... folded up.
- Are you really all right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
These are the days
of the open hand
They will not be the last
Look around now
These are the days
Of the beggars
and the choosers
This is the year
of the hungry man
Whose place is in the past
Hand in hand
- With ignorance
- Hi.
- And legitimate
- Let me guess...
Excuses
The rich declare
themselves poor
And most of us are not sure
If we have too much
But we'll take our chances
'Cause God stopped
keeping score
I guess somewhere
along the way
- He must have let us
- Oi!
All out to play
Turned his back
And all God's children
Crept out the back door
It's hard to love
There's so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope
to speak of
And the wounded skies above
Say it's much too late
Well, maybe we should all
Be praying for time
Do you think we have time?
Do you think we have time?
Why can I feel you?
Because I'm a part of you.
Take care of my heart.
I promise.
It was always going to be yours
one way or another.
Come in here!
Roll up!
Roll up,
you shower of gobblers.
You, you load of tossers, in.
- And you're a tosser, too.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Dora, Dora, Dora. Loving the work.
- In.
I'm loving the work.
Wrong vibe, though, yeah?
You can't call
the audience names.
- And you're a wanker.
- Maybe...
Don't I know it, Dora.
Yeah. I mean, you...
Oh, you want crumble?
Whoa.
Hi.
Hello, hello, hello.
Um, right, well, so I knew
the lighting would be crap,
so I brought my own.
That's my girl.
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you.
All right,
we've got lots to get through.
I just want to say
a massive thank-you
to everyone who's put
so much hard work in.
Mum, for making
the most ginormous krempita.
I think you're all enjoying.
My mother,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you.
You are famous
with your krempita.
Now, I'd like to thank
everyone individually,
but Dan said no speeches
were allowed.
Yeah, now, get off, elf.
Yes. Thank you, Daniel.
Seconds away. I just, um...
I-I just want to say
this one thing.
We... are so lucky to be alive.
Hear, hear.
We are so lucky to be able
to help each other
in little ways and in big ways.
The reason we are lucky
is because helping each other
is, in fact,
what makes us happy.
That's all.
Give us a song, Kate!
A... a song?
Well, I think I've got one
up my sleeve.
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart
But the very next day,
you gave it away
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Special
Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance,
but you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby
- Do you recognize me?
- Do you recognize me?
- No.
- No?
Well, it's been a year,
it doesn't surprise me
Merry Christmas!
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying,
"I love you," I meant it
Now I know
what a fool I've been
But if you kiss me now
I know you'd fool me again
Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart
But the very next day,
you gave it away
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Special
Last Christmas,
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away
This year,
to save me from tears
I'll give it
to someone special
Special.
And now, on with the show!
But you remember what?
He was her uncle who died.
You remember?
- Again, again, he...
- This is also from him.
- Different uncle, guys.
- Christmas tiramisu.
- Oh, Alba.
- Oh, lovely.
- Yes! - Thank you, Alba.
- That looks amazing.
- Oh, Alba.
- Thank you, Alba.
Marta is so...
she is so lucky to have you.
Because-because she...
she is very, very...
bad cook, very bad.
See, Mum, that isn't
a compliment, you know.
That's just...
that's just rude.
What is rude? Why?
Why is rude?
I am being nice to Alba,
your girlfriend.
What I say?
Nothing. Katarina.
- Yes.
- Before we eat lesbian pudding...
- Yeah. - Mum!
- What?
- You have your song, your big song in party.
- Yes.
I know I not so important
to do that.
- Oh, Mum!
- No, mum.
- Hey, you are. Yes, you are.
- I not. Psst!
- Tell her she is. Yeah.
- But, uh,
now I sing an old song
from Croatia,
from my grandmother,
- for my family.
- Ah.
Dobra vecer
Japica
Stanite se mamica...
Stanite se...
Oh, come on, Petra.
The war is over long time ago.
Stop killing us with the song.
Sing it cheerfully,
for God's sake.
What it's mean, "cheerfully"?
Veselo. It's Christmas!
Dobra vecer japica
- Stanite se mamica
- Yes! Hey!
- Dobra vecer japica
- Oh...
Stanite se mamica
To novo leto faljeno
Sinek dete maleno
- Come on!
- To novo leto faljeno
Sinek dete maleno
Dobri ljudi sim doali...
So you raise another glass
Looking for
a different space
I was leaning on the grass
Dreaming of a sunnier day
Oh, it never came
How could it have, baby?
Where the present
meets the past
It's hard to be more
than we've seen
Your daddy was a drinker
He just kept drinking
Till the shit he was thinking
sounded true
Your mama was a thinker
She just wasn't thinking
On the day that she looked
at him and said, "I do"
'Cause I will always,
I will always, I will always
I will always try
to get my shit together
I guess we always,
guess we always knew
That it would be
stormy weather
This is how we want you
to get high
The way that we show ya
The way that we told ya
was decent
This is how we want you
to get high
This is how
we want you to get by
My daddy was a toker
He just kept smoking
Till the jokes he could tell
got very blue
My mama was a joker
If she was a hippie
Then I guess she was tripping
on a high love you
'Cause I will always,
I will always, I will always
I will always try
to get my shit together
I guess we always,
guess we always knew
That it would be
stormy weather
This is how we want you
to get high
The way that we show ya
The way that we told ya
was decent
This is how we want you
to get high
This is how
we want you to get by
On your sorry lives
Take another, take another
I never picked a fight
in my life
Or raised a hand to my wife
Or saw my children
as things to bully
I never dropped a pill
in a drink
I know how low you can sink
My heart, my heart
is better than that
I never picked a fight
in my life
Or raised a hand to my wife
Or saw my children
as things to bully
I never dropped a pill
in a drink
I know how low you can sink
My heart, my heart
is better than that
Looking for
a different space
Dreaming of a sunnier day
Oh, it never came
How could it have, baby?
Where the present
meets the past
It's hard to be more
than we've seen
It's hard to be more
than we've seen
I guess we always,
guess we always knew
That it would be
stormy weather
This is how we want you
to get high
The way that we show ya
The way that we told ya
was decent
This is how we want you
to get high
This is how
we want you to get by
This is how we want you
to get high
The way that we show ya
The way that we told ya
was decent
This is how we want you
to get high
This is how
we want you to get by
On your sorry lives
My heart, my heart
is better than that
Looking for
a different space
Dreaming of a sunnier day
Oh, it never came
How could it have, baby?
Where the present
meets the past
It's hard to be more
than we've seen
It's hard to be more
than we've seen.