- This is great, man.
- Look at you.
- This one's a riot.
- That's so cute.
- Guys, look at this.
- That's a keeper.
- That's a keeper, Pat.
- Paddy, you are one ugly kid.
- Hideous.
- A monster.
- Prick.
- Asshole.
Gentlemen, such language
in front of my girl?
- She's not your girl.
- Pat is right.
- Thank you, Pat.
- Hey! Well,
look at what we have here.
The Flatbush Four.
Or whatever stupid name
you call yourselves.
Hey, where'd you jerks get the quarters
for these pictures, huh?
You stealing from my old man's
till again, Sammy?
Come on, Danny,
Sam didn't steal a thing.
- How would you know?
- Because I did.
How many weeks has it been
since you've been paid, Sam?
Five?
Six.
So until he gets paid,
we're gonna take everything
you owe.
Nobody cheats us.
Billy, you moron,
he'll kick your ass.
That's right, moron. Unh!
No one calls us names
except for us.
This fight is gonna make us legends.
Run!
Kick, kick, kick.
Kick, kick, kick.
- I... Kick, kick.
- Kick, kick.
Side, side.
- Come on. Come on.
- And step, step.
- What?
- All right, just do it.
- It's good for your knee.
- It's good for my knees,
but it's destroying my soul.
Sam, shush.
She can't hear me.
None of them can hear me.
Looking good, Gloria.
Oh, sorry, did I just step on your foot,
or was that your breast?
- Row and row and row.
- See?
Now, ladies, show us what you got.
Show us what you got.
Come on, gents, you can do it too.
- Ira?
- What, Sam?
No, I was just... Just checking.
Now grind it, grind it, grind it.
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Pop, what are you doing? You're not
supposed to be lifting anything heavy.
Man, she got a bit of an ass on her,
but I don't think that qualifies as heavy.
- Okay.
- Let me take care of her today.
Your only job is to relax. We don't want
another episode, do we?
All right,
I organized your medication,
I programmed the alarms
on your phone,
and I put the schedule
on the fridge.
Okay?
Okay.
Good. All right.
- Say bye to Grandpa.
- Uh,
- call me if you need anything at all.
- Sure thing.
- All right. I put a hoodie in there.
- Bye, Blakey!
See you this evening, sweetie.
- The sippy cup?
- I hate that.
Remember Grandpa loves you!
Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow.
You'll be saying "Wow!"
every time you use this towel.
It's like a shammy, it's like
a towel, it's like a sponge.
A regular towel doesn't work wet.
This works wet or dry.
This is for the house,
the car, the boat, the RV.
ShamWow holds 12 times
its weight in liquid.
What?
Go away, I got a bat.
It's Elizabeth, your neighbor.
I brought you soup.
That's why I have the bat.
Hey, Mr. C. It's potato leek.
Yeah, I know. Something funny
happened with the leeks.
- Can we just pretend again?
- I can't wait to taste your soup.
- Heh.
- Thank you.
You're welcome. Wait, there's a
free concert tonight in Prospect Park,
and I was gonna take
my grandmother,
and I thought you two might,
I don't know, get along okay.
- Elizabeth. Elizabeth.
- She's really funny.
Listen please.
You're a pretty young lady.
I bet the boys are attracted to you
as long as you don't give them
anything to eat.
But I have a word of advice:
find a man,
don't let him get
anywhere near your kitchen,
get him married to you
or your grandmother,
and please just give me some peace.
It's been almost a year
since Sophie died.
Find a man.
And stop bringing me soup.
Are you kidding? That's great news.
And we're expanding our offices
right with you.
We're gonna be turning
a lot of heads. I love it.
Maybe we should go public.
I'm not crazy.
I got you, Carl,
you're a genius.
- Honey, we're going to be late.
- I know, I'm almost ready.
But you don't even have
your clothes on.
Oh, because I thought
I would just wear this.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
No, not you, Carl.
The news is great,
and before you change your mind,
I'm gonna hang up right now.
Ronnie, when you were feeling low,
you remember what I said?
Shit.
Ronnie,
when you were feeling low...
...you remember what I said to you.
"Ronnie, I know
you're down in the dumps,
but as a fellow bachelor,
I know you're gonna bounce back,
because you may not be smart
and, uh, you may not be
good-looking,
but you got one thing
that every woman loves.
You have
an enormous beach house. "
And that's why, when they called me
and told me that my, uh, friend,
my mentor had passed away
peacefully in his bed,
I said, "That's exactly
how he would have wanted it. "
Except maybe with a young redhead
lying on top of him.
You know why Ronnie
died in his bed?
Because for two years
he never got out of that damn bed.
I got a beautiful,
young girlfriend here,
who guys half my age
are drooling over.
I'd marry her
before I'd give up like Ronnie.
Uh...
I said it, babe.
So, what do you think?
You want to get hitched?
Heh. Yes.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
So sorry.
Ronnie, I'll see
you in 30 years, pal.
We bought this toy ring at CVS
on our way home yesterday.
Yeah, this is just a temporary one.
- So sweet.
- Until we get the real thing.
- Yeah.
- By which he means the biggest one.
Hello, Billy.
Hey, Neil.
Your daughter got this engagement
party together pretty fast, huh?
Yeah, she probably didn't want
to waste a lot of time, considering.
Yeah. Yeah.
Uh, excuse me one minute,
please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where...?
Where'd you get that bottle?
Ran out of Scotch, found this
in the back of that cabinet.
No, no, no. You...
You don't want to open that.
No, no.
Hello?
Hey, is this the bionic man?
Hey, Billy, how you doing?
What's going on?
- What are you whispering about?
- Oh, uh, Miriam dragged me
to a hideous dinner party.
I'm, uh, just going through someone
named Abraham Rosenbaum's
medicine cabinet.
He's got some very deadly shit here.
- Hang on, let me patch in Archie.
- Okay.
...all these guys?
Are you insane?
- At least I have a husband.
- Oh, whatev...
- Clayton residence.
- How you feeling, Arch?
Billy, hey, hey!
How you doing?
I'm just sitting here watching
this Housewives thing.
Horrible people, horrible.
- Hey, Arch.
- Hey, Sam.
- How's the titanium hip, man?
- No, the hip was last year.
Uh, it's my knee.
It's great, yeah.
I'm thinking about
having my balls done next.
All right, listen, guys. I got something
important here, all right?
- Oh, shit, Billy.
- Heart or cancer?
Prostate? What?
Why every time the phone rings,
you think somebody's dying?
I live in Florida now.
Usually, when the phone rings,
- somebody is dying.
- No, I'm getting married.
- What?
- Wow.
To that lady who's half your age?
- She's almost 32.
- I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32.
Now, look, Archie,
by the time she's my age,
okay, I'll be...
- Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.
- Billy, Billy, Billy.
You've got your whole
what's left of your life ahead of you.
I mean, you know. Look at Archie.
He's divorced and miserable.
I've been married almost
40 years,
and I wish I was as miserable
as Archie.
Can you guys maybe give me
a little support as my dearest friends?
- How about it?
- Sorry, you're right, sorry.
Yes, good... It's good news.
We're happy
you're getting married.
Right. So...?
So how'd you pop the question?
You remember my friend Ronnie,
the guy I worked with,
uh, who trained me?
- Yeah, yeah, love that guy.
- Good guy.
Yeah, well, he died. I...
I proposed at the funeral.
- I got nothing. Arch?
- Nada.
So, Lisa, she doesn't
want a big wedding or anything,
so we're gonna get, uh, married
in Vegas this weekend.
So we're gonna have
a bachelor party in Vegas.
- No, no, come on, forget it.
- No, no, no, yes, we are.
- We are.
- It's your first wedding.
You threw all of our bachelor parties
for us.
- Two for me.
- Yeah, but we got no time.
- We're getting married on Sunday.
- Aw, Billy.
So we... No, it's fine.
We fly in on Friday,
Saturday we give... We give you
the best bachelor party
in the history of mankind,
and then on Sunday
your child-bride flies in and, uh...
- Voila.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, man.
Billy, it is 4:15 in the afternoon,
and I'm at a dinner party.
If I don't get out of here soon,
I'm gonna swallow all of
Abe Rosenbaum's pills at once.
- What about you, Arch?
- My son won't let me go.
I can't smoke, drink, eat salt,
or stay out past 9:00, but...
- Archie's in.
- All right, all right! No, I love this.
- This is great, man. Huh?
- We're invincible, baby.
- Flatbush Four, we ride again.
- Uh, the Flatbush Four, yes.
Yeah, so, uh, who's gonna call
Captain Sunshine?
- Billy.
- Uh, look, guys...
I know he hates me now,
but he's got to be there.
You know it, I know it, so, uh,
do me a favor.
You guys figure it out, all right?
- I got to go now, I'm hanging up.
- Uh, wait, wait, Billy, Billy.
All right, I'll lie to my son,
you tell your wife.
Okay.
So your rental car confirmation
is in your bag.
And when you get to New York,
just follow the directions
to Archie's house.
- Ah, good.
- You getting excited?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah.
Bachelor party in Vegas
with a bunch of old fogies. I...
- Oh, come on.
- You're angry at me,
- you don't want me to go. I'll stay.
- No, I'm not angry.
No, don't. Just, uh...
Don't open it
until you get to Las Vegas.
- What is it?
- No, honey, just leave it until you...
Okay, or now,
if you want to open it now.
"What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas"?
A condom and a Viagra?
- Where did you get a condom?
- That's your reaction?
I'm at the pharmacy 30 times a day,
I can get a condom.
Sweetheart, you're unhappy.
It's like the light has gone out
of your eyes.
And the Florida jokes,
they're... They're getting tired.
And I... I want my guy back.
Heh, so I... I thought,
if... If you...
I don't want to know what you do.
Don't tell me about it,
and we will never bring it up again.
You...? Is this some kind of trick?
What...?
- I'm afraid to get out of the car.
- Get out of the car.
- Are you...?
- Get out of the car.
Okay, love you.
Love you.
Ezra!
- I thought you left for work.
- I had to make some phone calls.
- Are you gonna get out of bed?
- No.
Cold. Pfft. Cold.
Pop, it... It's, uh,
sweltering in here.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Listen, maybe I should,
um, stay home today.
No. You...
You don't have to do that.
Thing is, uh...
...last night...
...I peed myself.
Oh, Pop, I'm sorry.
It's just one of those things
a man has to deal with, alone.
Okay, all right.
Ah-ta-ta-ta.
Open the damn trunk, Sam.
Wait, it's a rental!
I don't know where the thing is!
Hang on, hang on!
There it is.
It's Open!
- Let go of the handle.
- Sam, unlock the door.
Let go of it.
Let go of the handle!
- What?
- Just step back!
Go, go, go.
Seat belt, seat belt.
- Archibald.
- Hey, Sam.
You look good.
You lie good.
Yeah.
There it is.
- Let's start the gambling early.
- What?
Hundred dollars
says Paddy will not come.
No, no, he's got to come.
Billy's come through for us
more times than I can count.
It's our turn.
- Prick!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Asshole.
- Hey. Good to see you.
- Ah.
What the hell are you doing
in Brooklyn?
I heard there was
a bathrobe convention.
- Have I come to the right spot?
- Don't be a smart-ass.
- Come on in.
- Heh, Archie's here too.
Uh, he's out in the car.
He couldn't make the...
All the flights of stairs
in his condition.
- Archie's here?
- Yeah.
- In the car.
- What's going on?
Well, the three of us are, uh,
gonna go to Las Vegas
for the weekend.
Why on earth would I ever want
to go to Vegas?
For fun! Remember fun?
That thing you used to have
before the permanent scowl set in?
Come on, I don't have
a permanent scowl.
- He said with a scowl.
- I don't!
Okay, it's not a scowl,
you're just ugly.
Look, just throw some things in a bag.
The flight leaves in a couple of hours.
Come on!
We're not leaving without you.
Either you come with us,
or we move in.
Hold on, hold on.
You show up out of nowhere,
you say we're going to Vegas.
You know what?
- This smells of Billy Gherson.
- Oh, Paddy, Billy Gher...?
This... This has nothing to...
Billy, we want him to come,
of course.
But then he...
You know, he's got a big
- important thing he has to do.
- Of course.
He always has something important.
That's the problem.
It's always about him, him, him.
- What's that about?
- That's just Billy!
- Put it behind you!
- That's right,
he's got more important
things to do.
I have more important
things to do right here.
What's with the pictures of Sophie?
They're everywhere.
Everywhere I turn,
that's all I see: Sophie!
It's getting a little morbid,
don't you think?
- Don't... Don't touch those.
- Oh.
- Jesus.
- Okay, sorry.
- I like looking at her.
- Okay.
That stays there,
this stays here.
Okay.
But you come with me to Vegas.
Paddy, you have got to come
with us to Las Vegas.
If you think
I'm leaving this apartment,
you're dumber than that hat.
Say what you want to me,
but leave my hat out of this, okay?
My hat has never done
a thing to you.
- I'm not going to Vegas!
- Paddy!
What, are you...? Are you nuts?
You're gonna give yourself
another stroke!
Archie, you okay?
- Is he...?
- The stairs. Paddy.
You got to come.
You got to come
to Vegas with us.
- Please, Paddy.
- Okay. Okay.
Okay! All right, I'll go!
I'll go! I'm going!
I'm going, okay?
- Great.
- I got to pack.
- Prick.
- Asshole.
That was well done.
So Billy was so busy,
he couldn't spend the weekend with
his three oldest friends in the world.
Typical.
Once a selfish bastard,
always a selfish bastard.
Never changes.
Never, never changes.
You know, that's the thing
about him, he's just the way he is.
What was so important that
he couldn't spend it with us?
So important?
I agree with everything
you've said, Paddy.
For the last four hours.
Him, him, him.
He didn't even call.
You know, he... A disappointment.
He didn't...
He didn't even call.
All I can say is, if I ever,
ever run into that son of a bitch
again, that prick, I'll...
Forget it.
- He'll regret the day...
- Hey!
Ha, ha! Well!
- Surprise!
- Hey!
Hey, Archie, how you doing?
Sam.
Hey! Ya)'. fun. Fun!
Hey, hey,
what's that hair color?
- Hazelnut?
- Have you got more hair
than you used to have?
- Oh, stop it, will you?
- You've got more hair than...
Where'd you get the extra hair?
His ass.
Hey, look, don't be upset
with them, Pat.
- It wasn't their fault.
- I'm going home.
Paddy, look,
I'm getting married, okay?
This is a bachelor party,
I needed you here.
- I'm going home.
- How many times
do I got to tell you I'm sorry?
You can't say it enough, my friend.
You can't say it enough.
Every time I see you,
we go through this shit.
One more word, I'm gonna knock
your block off like I did in fifth grade.
All right, all right, all right.
Hey, hey, hey! Knock this shit off!
The hell's the matter with you?
Now we're here together,
the four of us.
We're here to celebrate
Billy marrying an infant.
- She's not an infant.
- Shut up, Billy!
Archie, blood pressure?
I need this.
Sam needs this.
And believe it or not, you two
jerk-offs need it most of all.
Now, either you'll manage
to be civil with each other,
or so help me, I'm gonna rain
holy hell down on both of you.
You understand?
- Huh?
- Yeah.
I'm gonna go find some damn water
and take all my damn pills.
Then we gonna get
this damn party started.
Yeah.
It's gonna be fun.
- Where to?
- Remember Binion's,
where I had my bachelor party?
I looked it up on the Google,
they've just renovated it.
- Billy, Miriam gave me a condom...
- He won't shut up about it.
- I won't shut up?
- You sound like 6 year olds.
Billy, now that you've got
ass-hair on your head,
do you wash your hair,
or do you just wipe?
- Pardon me.
- Uh, excuse me.
Um, where's the check-in desk?
- Check-in desk?
- For the hotel? Check-in?
Hell, they closed the hotel part
down for remodeling months ago.
Reopening next year.
It's gonna be real nice.
Uh, we have a problem.
The rooms, uh, aren't gonna be ready
for another year and a half.
They're still remodeling.
Archibald, did this topic
come up when you made
the reservation?
No, because you insisted
on making the reservations.
I insisted, but then you insisted,
and it is the second insister
- that supersedes the first.
- Sam. Sam.
I offered, you insisted.
Guys, guys,
don't worry about it, all right?
Lisa and I are staying
at the Aria for the wedding.
- I'm just texting my assistant.
- Yeah, see that? No problem.
Big shot's assistant
will take care of everything.
Meantime, I got to look for a bathroom.
Or don't they have that either?
Okay.
We'll go to your hotel.
- But we're the ones getting the rooms.
- Yeah, that's right.
Soon as I have a drink.
It's 5:00 in Florida.
- I'll join you.
- If you insist.
You know, Sam, it was you who
insisted on making the reservation.
And where'd you get that silly hat?
Oh, why is my hat
the default insult?
Can thrill me like you do
And fill my heart with love
For only you
Only you
Can make this change in me
For it's true
You are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand
The magic that you do
You're my dream come true
My one and only you
Only you
Only you can make
This change in me
For it's true
You are my destiny
When you hold my hand
I understand
The magic that you do
You're my dream come true
My one and only
You
All right. All right.
Terrific.
Thank you! But all that tells me is
that wherever you guys are from,
you lack quality entertainment.
Okay, that'll do it for me.
Make sure to tip your waitresses.
It's pretty funny when they fall over.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Oof.
Sam, Sam.
No, she's good, she's good.
My friends and I, uh,
would like to buy you a drink.
Um, you were the ones laughing.
In that case,
I should buy you a drink.
- Ah, heh.
- Oh, hardly.
- I'm Diana Boyle.
- Hi, I'm Billy Gherson.
- I'm Archie Clayton.
- Hey.
- Hi. Uh, that's Sam Harris.
- Hey, Diana, please, sit down.
- Let go of her hand.
- Thank you.
Wow. You were...
That was just incredible.
And... And I'm just gonna
preemptively just put my cards
- on the table, and say that... Ah.
- Sam.
My wife of 40 years
has given me permission to,
basically, uh, cheat on her
this next few days.
And so I just wanted to
let you know, in case, uh, you...
- I'm available.
- That's a generous offer.
Are you good in bed, Sam?
I don't remember.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Great!
Uh, Carol, could I have
a Sapphire Martini, straight up
- with a twist, please? Gentlemen?
- All right.
Uh, what...? Uh, no alcohol.
- He won't have alcohol.
- What?
Bombay Sapphire martini,
straight up.
Don't pay any mind to him.
- I'm a big drinker, I drink all the time.
- Okay, okay.
- Bring him two.
- And I'll have one.
I'll... I'll have one as well.
So, what brings you boys to Vegas?
I'll tell you what brings us to Vegas:
a big fat liar.
I just wanted to come over
and tell you how much I enjoyed
- your performance.
- Oh, thank you.
You're no spring chicken,
but you deserve better
- than being around these lowlifes.
- Wow!
Prince Charming, is that you?
You are so much shorter
than I thought you would be.
No, actually we're here, uh,
for a wedding.
Our friend Hazelnut
is tying the knot on Sunday.
- Yeah? Oh.
- So, all right. So long, jerk-offs.
I'm gonna go look for a hotel
that actually has hotel rooms.
Wait, wait.
Why are you leaving?
Because of this schmuck,
that's why.
We got a couple
of unresolved issues.
Is he a schmuck?
- It's a gray area.
- Hmm.
We've been best friends
since we're 6 years old.
My wife dies about a year ago, he
doesn't even show up for the funeral.
It's a little more complicated
than that. I...
Yeah, sends me flowers with a note
that says "Sorry for your loss. "
Schmuck.
Well, I am sorry
that you're leaving.
Clearly I need someone
to look out for me,
seeing as how I'm associating
with an alcoholic, an adulterer
- and a schmuck.
- Heh, heh.
I like you.
- Well.
- Pat Connors.
Still Diana Boyle.
- Diana?
- Ah!
- Oh, look here.
- There you are.
To the first bachelor party
I've ever attended
that could be covered
by Medicare.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- And, um, to the only
people here who actually
listened to me sing.
Thank you for that.
Hey, you, eye contact.
Doesn't mean a thing
without eye contact.
How old is the woman
that he is marrying?
- Uh, she's, uh...
- Oh, well, you know, she's...
- Uh, just, uh, in her...
- 30-ish.
Oh, sweet Jesus.
Guys, come on, we got to
get going here, all right?
- Let's get over to the Aria.
- Oh, that's a great hotel.
- Has my lucky big wheel.
- Mm. Big wheel.
- Then you're coming with us.
- She is?
What the hell is
with this traffic?
- Are you comfortable?
- No, I'm... I'm fine.
- I can make him sit in the back.
- No, he doesn't have to go in the back.
- Are you sure?
- Screw this, all right?
- Let's just get out of here.
- What?
- Let's get out. Screw it.
- Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go.
Lead on, man.
Whoo-hoo, hoo-hoo.
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
What is that, a map?
Look at them.
The moron brigade.
So now it's just me, on my own.
There's this young girl, a neighbor,
she keeps trying to bring me soup.
- Well, she sounds terrible.
- She is terrible.
Soup's not bad.
- Aria.
- Gentlemen checking in?
Gherson. Gherson.
I'll take that, sir.
All right, gentlemen, I'm gonna
touch base with my bride-to-be.
She has her own phone?
Yes, Archie,
she has her own phone.
- Not a toy phone?
- Children are learning more and more
about new technology.
They're younger and younger.
Oh, like a baby monitor?
You guys finished?
- Not yet.
- All right, huddle up, huddle up.
You are surrounded
by slot machines,
poker, roulette,
and there are girls at every bar.
I want to hear stories,
I want to hear results,
I want to hear all of you
getting in trouble.
And I'm sure
this young lady can help you.
See you back here.
Ah, this is
the one, this is the one.
Okay, so put a dollar down.
- I don't gamble.
- Oh, this is not gambling.
This, my friend, is a sure thing.
- Yeah, but it's throwing money away.
- Come on, Paddy, give me a dollar.
- Perfect, we're in.
- Good luck.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, congratulations!
Five dollars off the buffet.
Yes, we did it.
Our lives are changed forever,
Paddy. Can you feel it?
All right, Paddy, you just won
five dollars off the buffet.
- What are you gonna do first?
- Go to the buffet.
He's going to the buffet,
ladies and gentlemen,
the man is going to the buffet.
Yay!
Paddy, Paddy, Paddy, uh, uh,
the good news is that this hotel
actually does have rooms.
The bad news is that
none are available.
Don't tell Billy, please.
I don't give a flying fart about Billy.
Where am I gonna sleep?
Well, they said
they might have some after 6.
So here's the deal:
Lisa wants me
to check out the chapel.
Heh, she's got you on a short leash,
doesn't she?
- Kids these days.
- Well, would Mrs. Don Rickles
happen to know
where the chapel is?
I do, and I will show you.
- That's okay, that's fine, I'll find it...
- No, no, no, shh.
- I'm being wonderful.
- Take your time.
Plenty of time.
We got till 6.
Blackjack.
I used to like blackjack.
- Archie?
- Archie.
- I'm a little concerned...
- Yeah.
Uh, ahem.
Can I sit here?
- Every time.
- Yes, of course, sir.
- Yeah, sit down.
- Cocktail, cigarettes?
- Sir?
- Yeah?
Sir, I think she's asking
if you have
any, uh, money in that
fanny pack of yours.
- Oh. Ha, ha.
- Yeah, there you go.
Excuse me, cocktails.
Holy crap,
what, did you rob a bank?
Sort of. I emptied out
half my pension, $15,000.
- What?
- You all right?
Guys, come on.
I'm on a weekend furlough
from prison.
I don't know about you,
but I'm making the most of it.
Seriously, count a
little slower, Ling.
- Come on, Paddy, join us, this is... Oh.
- Oh!
Uh, sorry.
Kidding me?
It's like you did that on purpose.
No, no, it's...
It was just an accident.
What are you, his bodyguard?
No, you know what?
Thank you, guys, for killing
a really, really hot table.
We're done.
Fifteen thousand coming in.
And on that happy note,
I've got a certain prophylactic device
burning a hole in my pocket.
I will see you gentlemen later.
- Sam. Sam?
- What?
Glasses. Take your glasses off.
Makes you look younger.
- He does?
- No.
Hi.
- Hello, sir.
- A, uh, gin and tonic.
Right away.
Hi.
You have to see it.
I'm sure.
There he is.
Hi.
Hello.
- Come here often?
- As a matter of fact, I do.
It's a good place for me to relax
between shows.
Between shows?
Your shows... Your show?
Yeah, I love this place.
It's got a nice, uh,
"anything can happen"
kind of atmosphere,
you know what I mean?
Oh, is that a wedding ring
you're sporting there?
It is a wedding ring, but, uh,
the great thing is, I have permission.
My wife is, uh,
very open.
Well, okay.
Okay...?
Okay, well, uh, let me...
Let me buy you another drink.
- I just have one question for you.
- What's that?
What would my wife think?
What? Hol...
Excuse me, I just have...
Oh. Oh.
I'm... You're... You're... I...
You're a... You're a trans...
Trans... planted New Yorker?
- New Jersey.
- Jersey? Oh, Brooklyn. Oh.
You look fantastic.
And I do not judge,
I make no judgments-.
Oh, no, no.
No judgment here either.
"Papa Don't Preach. "
- No, no, good.
- It's a Madonna song.
I get it. You're Madonna.
Uh, hello, I'm Sam.
- Sam Harris.
- Maurice Tischler.
Yeah.
This is it.
If you're gonna
get hitched in Vegas,
this is pretty much the least
depressing place you can do it.
Hey, I like it.
Well, good.
I will, uh, leave you to it.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Welcome to where love takes flight.
Hi. Billy Gherson.
- Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Gherson.
- Hi.
I should have known. Ha, ha.
I've seen a lot of couples
come down this aisle.
I can always tell
when it's true love.
Uh, no, no, no,
this is not my fiance.
- No.
- Oh, no, no, no.
This man would never marry
someone even close to his own age.
So who are you?
I'm his mother.
So we got a lounge singer
of a certain age.
- Oh, how delicately put.
- But not from here.
- Atlanta.
- Right.
In my former life,
I was a tax attorney.
Um, I raised a daughter on my own.
Her father was an asshole
of epic proportions,
and I got her through school
and, um...
Now, I am giving you the full bio here.
Should I stop or...?
- No, no, no, go on, go on.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Okay. Um...
And so a few months ago,
I found myself downsized
and empty-nested,
and I asked myself,
"What do you really want to do
with your life, Diana Boyle?"
And what I really wanted to do
was sing.
I'm a little old for American Idol.
- Oh.
- So I figured Vegas.
And so, you know,
as they say, it goes.
A big shot at Binion's needed
some legal advice,
so basically, I got that gig
sewed up till I drop.
It was nice of you
to walk me to my car.
Oh, well, it was, um,
nice of you to walk
me to the chapel.
You know, you are not as charming
as you think you are.
Well, no one could be,
quite frankly.
It was nice.
Congratulations!
So long, schmuck!
Hey, babe.
No, no, I just came from...
Yeah.
It's interesting. It's, uh...
No, you're gonna love it.
You're really gonna love it.
- Surgery?
- Yeah.
- That's... That's a game-changer.
- Well, it's just a big commitment.
There's no going back, you know.
It's not the pain,
- I mean, it's the recovery time.
- How long is the recovery?
It's like eight to 12 weeks.
It's hard for a man to take.
- So he's out for the season.
- Totally out.
That's why you gotta go
with the Packers, and the points.
- All the girls are making the same bet.
- Sam.
- It's a no-brainer.
- Sam!
Come on, come on.
Uh...
Nice to meet you.
Madonna, Cher.
- Yeah, I'm coming.
- Call me. Call me.
Sam, where have you been?
I've been, uh,
working the room.
You gotta stop him.
You gotta stop him.
- What? Stop what?
- Archie, he lost it.
Lost what?
Archie?
I'm so sorry, Archie.
I begged and I begged him,
he just wouldn't stop.
- I don't know what to say.
- Yeah, well, okay.
Another bet, sir?
How much was that last bet?
- Nine thousand.
- He lost 9,000?
- How much left?
- What are you doing?
Let me count.
You started with 15,000.
Now you have...
...102,000, sir.
Okay, I'm done.
- Hundred and two thousand?
- That's enough.
- Yeah, that's a good decision.
- Excuse me, sir,
are you a guest in the hotel?
Oh, we were... We really...
We've gotta...
Actually, we just...
Great game, great game,
great dealer.
Great table, great game.
How much?
- Hundred and two thousand.
- Hundred and two.
So, what happened?
We break a rule or something?
Are they gonna take
his money back or what?
I don't know.
My son. It's Ezra.
It's my son.
Hello, Ezra.
Wonderful to hear from you, son.
Ezra, calm down.
Calm down. I'm at the church retreat.
Uh, that? Um...
That was the Holy Spirit
getting into people.
- Hallelujah!
- Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
- Praise the Lord!
- Ezra, I'm going to have to go.
I think the Holy Spirit's
about to leave the room.
I'm gonna see
if I can't stop him, okay?
- I shall not want.
- I love you, son. Amen.
He maketh me to lie down...
Did he buy it?
I don't know, I was improvising,
same as you.
Well...
- He... He walketh me.
- Hello.
The Lord is my shepherd.
- Praise the... Oh.
- It's Billy. Billy!
I'm at the pool.
- He's at the pool.
- What's he doing?
- What's at the pool?
- Where is the pool?
Welcome to Las Vegas.
- Yes!
- Yeah.
- Relax, Gherson.
- Aw, yeah.
It's not like you invented it.
Oh, Jesus.
Ay.
We got a bikini contest coming up!
- Who wants to be a judge?
- I do!
Idea. Let's see what
we can do with this.
Are you ready to Party Rock?
I go by the name of Redfoo!
Yeah, we got cash,
we got prizes,
and we got the best judges
in the world!
Put your hands up, put your hands up,
put your hands up!
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Yeah!
Well, check your pulse, fellas,
because coming to the stage
is our first girl.
She's from Seattle
and she likes to get wet, baby!
- Whoo!
- Jessica!
I love you, Jessica!
Yeah,
look at them assets, baby!
Yeah!
Judges, judges,
what you got for Jessica?
Ten, baby!
Ten!
Ten! Yeah, baby!
Unh! Looking good.
Next coming up is Christina,
and she's a redhead,
and let me tell you,
it's au naturel, baby.
Judges?
Ten, baby!
Irena, baby, yeah!
Bring out Patrice!
Ah! Come on and shout it!
Baby!
Mm-hm, yeah!
Unh! Looking good!
Yeah!
Eleven!
Let's get to know the judges.
Can we get to know the judges?
What's your name there, sir?
- Uh, Sam.
- All right.
Oh, and I'm available,
I have a condom.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby!
Who's that?
What is your name, party planner?
Uh, Paddy.
Paddy!
Well, Paddy, I got a special package
just for you, baby!
AW, yeah, baby!
- Yeah, baby!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Yeah, baby!
I don't know how Paddy
could have given her a seven.
She was too young.
She shouldn't have been there.
- I liked Mr. Redfoo.
- Who's that?
The guy who put his balls
in your face.
- Oh, yeah, liked him.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- He knows how to keep a party...
- Mr. Clayton?
Quite a run you had at blackjack.
Can we talk?
- Well, I...
- Apparently,
you aren't actually staying here,
is that correct?
Now, wait a minute here.
Are you suggesting my friend
is a card counter
because he took your casino
for a hundred grand?
No, he won fair and square,
and actually we'd just like
to have a chance
to win some of that money back
by giving you someplace
nice to stay.
Hey, Alan, you wanted
to talk to me?
- Heh. This is Lonnie.
- Hey.
He's gonna take care of you
this weekend.
Uh, with all due respect,
I believe I'm actually assigned to...
- Uh, he canceled.
- He canceled?
Yeah, give these
gentlemen Villa 4.
Are you sure he canceled?
I just confirmed with his travel a...
Good day, gentlemen.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I hope there's room enough
for four guys
because there's no way
I'm sharing a bed with this cupcake.
The penthouse villa.
Dollar for dollar, one of the best suites
in all of Vegas.
Four bedrooms up top,
fully stocked bar,
gourmet kitchen,
and all the amenities
you see before you.
You know what I feel like?
I feel like a damn princess.
So intimate,
that's what I love.
I'm at your disposal for anything else
that you might need.
Is that your job?
You're just here for us?
You wouldn't believe who I was
supposed to be hosting.
Who?
Fiddy.
Fiddy? P-Fiddy?
- Fifty.
- Fifty people in here?
No, no, 50 Cent.
Curtis Jackson.
- Oh, from the Jackson 5, sure.
- Yeah, okay.
50 Cent's a pretty big deal
in modern times,
and one of the perks of hosting him is,
you know,
I get that second-and third-round
draft pick. You know what I mean?
We don't.
Like, the leftover...
So I'm assuming you guys are not
gonna wanna visit our nightclub.
Nightclub? Dancing?
Yes, Mr. Clayton,
I believe some people will be dancing
at the nightclub.
Oh, all right.
Okay. Ah.
Usually gets jumping
around 11:00.
If you like, I can pick you up
or wake you up.
- Oh!
- Oh, oh, oh.
- What are we talking about?
- That's when we come alive.
Midnight at the disco,
we'll see you there.
We're always up and about
after midnight on the weekends.
- A little after, maybe.
- I'll leave you gentlemen to your fun.
- Thank you.
- Keys.
How do you get
these damn curtains open?
I know how these things work.
Let's get some light in here, Jesus.
We've got one of these
consoles in every single room.
Ready, one, two, three. Unh!
Let me, uh,
help you geniuses.
The hell?
- Okay.
- Oh, there's a window.
Oh, of course, of course.
A lot of times they just
put a light back there.
It's probably fake.
It's fake. I give up.
- Whoa, whoa.
- Did you do that?
Whoa.
Curtains, music, lighting.
And if you're really
feeling adventurous,
we now have color television.
Have a good day, sir.
- Oh, cute.
- Ha, ha.
Fellas, look at this.
Oh, no.
An old friend.
Is that what I think it is?
You mean you kept that
all this time?
Goddamn right I have.
The Flatbush Four is back,
and we're not on any
Brooklyn street corner,
- man, we're on top of Vegas.
- Ha-ha-ha.
Celebrating my wedding.
Heh.
- Let's get it on! Ha-ha-ha!
- Let's go on.
- I'll get some ice.
- Okay, all right, damn.
Yeah, just like you,
Gherson.
Let's forget about everything
we've done to hurt people.
Let's just move on
and celebrate me, that's all.
Paddy, I should have been there.
You're damn right
you should have been there.
You should have been there,
and, you know, she wanted you
to do the eulogy.
She wanted you,
and you knew that.
She knew I would fall apart
in front of everybody,
and she knew you would make
everybody laugh, Mr. Comedian,
but no.
You didn't show up,
you were too busy.
Too busy for my wife's funeral,
our Sophie's funeral,
so I had to do it.
I didn't get one word out.
Broke down like a baby.
I'm sorry, Paddy.
Ah, no,
you're a phony, Gherson.
You always have been,
you always will be.
Everything about you is phony.
Your teeth, your hair,
even your tan is phony.
Ah, Jesus, Paddy, you know, you...
Hey, Paddy, come on, man,
for crying out loud,
we're just trying to have
a nice weekend together.
Nice weekend?
You call this a nice weekend?
This is sad.
I'd give my left arm to be
with my wife right now,
and all Sammy wants to do
is cheat on his.
And, Archie, you're on some sort of
self-destructive bender,
cleaning out your pension fund
like you're so desperate to be alive.
And this guy wants us to validate
his marrying a child.
Well, you know what? I'm not gonna
be part of this charade, not me.
Naptime.
No, it's easy as long
as you have a couple girls...
Oh, my God.
Uh, we've been here
like an hour, Billy.
I think they're only letting
people with cleavage in.
Screw it, follow me.
- Ahem.
- Where are we going?
Billy?
So, what's it gonna take
for three VIPs?
Who's your VIP host?
- VIP host?
- VIP host.
Oh, that's what's-his...?
Uh, our friend, uh...
- Oh, yeah, yeah, um...
- Larry. Larry.
- Louie. Remember Louie?
- Lorrie? Louis? No, no, no.
- Larry? Larry, Larry.
- No, it's an "L."
No, you got it all wrong.
We don't know.
Uh, he's a nice guy.
Get back in line.
You sure about that, son?
He's laughing.
- Oh, y'all are serious, huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
Look, the only way you guys
are getting in there tonight
is VIP bottle service.
- All right, I got that.
- No, no, no.
We got, we got it.
No, no, this is on us.
- Eighteen.
- Eighteen. Okay, 18.
- Here's my friend's ten.
- Yep.
And I've got...
Here's one, two, three,
- and five.
- There you go.
And one for your warmth
and hospitality.
- Eighteen hundred.
- Eighteen hundred what?
Eighteen hundred
dollars, fellas.
Fuck!
Uh, no, I got this.
I'm up $102,000.
We'll take the bottles.
Bottle. One bottle.
You shitting me?
We'll take it.
- Here you go, fellas.
- Whoa!
Ha, ha. All right.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Gentlemen. Not too shabby, huh?
- Not too.
- No wonder it's $1,800.
Look at the size of this thing.
Yeah, that's my boy!
Make it happen!
- Hi.
- Hi.
She's on my lap.
There's a girl on my lap.
- Do you mind?
- No, no, no.
It's, uh... It's titanium.
It, uh, can't feel a thing.
What can we start
you gentlemen off with?
- How about some Red Bull vodkas?
- Yeah!
- Red Bull vodkas.
- Uh, I probably should take it easy.
- How about just a glass of soda?
- Yeah, yeah, me too-.
I feel a little...
Well, I can't tell if I'm having
another stroke
or if it's these dad-gum lights.
- Huh?
- What's with you guys, all right?
- Huh?
- Today you were just fine.
Now all of a sudden
you're like two old dogs
being dragged out of the back
of the house to lie down and die.
Three Red Bull vodkas.
- What's a rebel vodka?
- I don't know.
- He just asked for my number!
- Ah, yeah, girl!
Hey, Sam. Got a little bachelorette
party going on over there.
I bet there's at least three girls there
that got some serious daddy issues.
- Archie!
- Huh?
- You said you wanted to dance.
- Yeah.
- Now's your chance.
- I'm still, uh, a little concerned about...
Oh, no, no, let's not talk
about Paddy now, huh? Please.
Boy, these
Red Balls" vodkas are strange.
I feel like I'm getting drunk
and electrocuted at the same time.
And the music! Loud!
Like everything sounds alike.
Like they're playing the same song
over and over and over and over again.
I probably should get up and dance,
but I'm used to having a partner.
Certainly doesn't seem
to matter to that fella.
Maybe I'll give it a shot.
Maybe not.
Well, if they play something different.
Oh, shit, maybe now.
- Yeah!
- Ha-ha-ha!
Go, Archie!
Hey.
Whoo!
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Can I ask you a question?
- Yes.
- Do you guys have drugs?
Does Lipitor count?
So...
...what are you guys doing here?
- It's my bachelor party.
- Oh.
I just think it's so cute
when older people
get married.
- It's never too late, right?
- Right, right.
Actually, uh,
she's not older.
She's more your age.
You must be really rich.
You're kind of blowing
my mind right now.
- Oh?
- Yeah, it's just... It's like...
- You're so cute.
- I...
It's freaking me out.
As I look at you,
- Yeah?
- all I can think about
is how much you look
like my grandpa Lou.
He's in a nursing home
outside Fort Lauderdale.
Uh, who isn't?
- Hey, angel, come on, get out here-
- Hey. Uh, excuse me,
I'm talking to another person.
Yeah, but you should be talking to me.
I'm more interesting. Come on.
Go away, seriously.
You know, I just don't get it, all right?
It's not like you're married yet.
Just spread it around a little
before it gets dusty, you know?
Ew. Look you little jerk-off,
I don't wanna dance with you.
I don't wanna dance with you either.
- Everything all right here?
- Fanny Pack.
You... You guys
are everywhere.
What's your deal?
Can I see that real quick?
Buddy, maybe you had
too much to drink.
Hey, pal, why don't you
mind your business?
You don't wanna make
a fool of yourself.
You know what? If I want your opinion,
I'll just beat it out of you.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's the problem?
- Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?
Sam?
Oh. Now I'm gonna enjoy this one,
asshole. You know that?
No one calls us names except us.
You understand?
Paddy.
Just get him out of here.
- Take him out the side.
- We're going.
- Your son's been calling.
- Huh?
Good shot, Paddy.
Damn, fellas, that Paddy's a beast.
Heh.
There you are.
- Lonnie.
- Lonnie.
- I said that, man.
- No, you never did say that.
- You said Louie or some shit like that.
- All right, I said Larry.
- I said...
- Where you been, man?
Boom.
Boom, boom.
Thank you.
Twenty-two up!
I need a pinch of sugar
An ounce of ooh-la-la
A sweet temptation
In my blue boudoir
If you're feeling hungry
I'll let you lick the spoon
Come on over, baby
Can I borrow a cup of trouble
From you?
I'm just gonna get
some chairs, I'll be right back.
Okay, I'll wait for you.
I used to be fun.
She chose me, I mean, well,
over Mr. Ladies' Man, Billy Gherson.
That's how fun I was.
Ahem. We both wanted her,
but she picked me.
Picked me.
And, uh, you know, once I...
I made her laugh so hard,
she peed her pants.
Yeah.
I used to be able to make
women laugh like that.
Come on.
You made me laugh.
Yeah, but I didn't make you
pee your pants.
Well, give it time.
Hey, I didn't know her,
obviously,
but she sounds like
the kind of woman
that wouldn't want you spending
all your time being sad.
- No, she wouldn't.
- So cut it out.
It's enough already.
- Just cut it out?
- Yeah.
Really.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.
If I threw a party,
would you be able to come?
I might.
Might's good enough.
I haven't been this hungover
in 30 years.
Shh-shh-shh.
- Everything's spinning.
- I know.
Oh, no, don't...
Oh, hi.
Guess I'll see you in the morning.
Yeah, and it'll be
great to see you.
That's a good idea.
I mean, I got all my best friends here.
You should have yours here
with you too.
Uh. hey, honey?
Let me call you back later, okay?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Excuse me, young lady?
Bloody Mary, please.
Extra bloody.
Sophie wouldn't want me hanging
around the apartment in my bathrobe.
- No, she wou...
- Shut up.
So I'm not gonna do that anymore,
and I'm having a Bloody Mary.
I used to like Bloody Marys.
Maybe I'll like them again.
I'm gonna ask you something.
Do you love this Lisa girl
the way I loved Sophie?
She's a wonderful person,
really great human being.
Well, that's great. I'll vote for her
when she runs for Congress.
Billy, you're gonna
be 70 years old.
Tomorrow you're marrying
a 31-year-old woman
who you proposed to at a funeral.
Now, I don't give
a flying crap about you,
but if I did, I gotta tell you,
I see a few red flags.
Tomorrow I'm gonna ask you again if
you love her. I expect a better answer.
- He left his room.
- Ha, ha.
- Hey.
- Hey.
The old gang.
We're throwing a party tonight.
Yeah, that's the spirit. Yeah, a party.
- Happy day!
- Excuse me.
- Oh, crap.
- I, um...
I just wanted to, uh, apologize
for, uh... For last night.
Uh, I was way out
of line, and, um,
you know, I had too much to drink,
and I am just really, really sorry.
I throw myself at your mercy.
I was just downloading Dean
on who you guys were.
He didn't know that you were
the heads of four very influential
East Coast families.
Yeah, I had... I had no idea.
Well, I wouldn't expect
a dickhead like you
to know about
legends like us.
- I... I'm a dickhead.
- Knuckles.
Knuckles.
Knuckles, get the guy
out of my sight.
Yeah. You know, you're a dumb
little shit, you know that?
- Oh, no, please.
- You don't know who these guys are?
Archie Aces,
Billy Bones,
- Sammy the...
- The accountant.
- Yeah, the accountant.
- Ugh.
Sammy the Stove, they call me.
I cook the books.
I'm just... I'm sorry.
What do we care
about your sorrys?
No, I know, I know, I know.
I don't give a damn about my sorrys.
Just please...
Shut up, shut up.
Just go get us some ice water.
When that's done, you come back,
you do some other things for us.
Maybe Knuckles here
will let you wash his balls.
Sorry, that was weird.
- Four ice waters?
- Go.
- What was that all about?
- I... You were great.
I... Maybe I overdid it.
I, uh,
obviously misread you guys.
You guys sold the shit out of that.
So, what do you guys want me to do?
Nothing. No, today,
you take the afternoon off,
have another drink, go to the spa.
Save your energy. It's gonna
be a big night for you tonight.
You got some thinking to do.
And we got some recruiting to do.
Yeah. We need to recruit
some talent, gentlemen.
Yeah, I want the A-list.
B... The double-D list.
That is the A-list, actually.
I like this one, although,
is she throwing up or crying?
Definitely throwing up.
By 6.
By 6?
My turn.
Yeah, now we're talking.
Yeah.
- These two, these two.
- Yeah, that... Yeah.
There you go.
Oh, here, here!
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Hi. Oh, thanks.
Girls, you remember Sam, right?
It's really gonna be great.
Party tonight.
Yeah, thanks. Oh, thanks.
If we were
able to, I would release...
I told you to put those
in one and two.
Okay. Oh, no.
- Take those back. I'm sorry.
- Where to?
Here we go. Let's do it.
Wait, are you...?
So find yourself somebody
You gotta find yourself somebody
You need to find yourself somebody
To love
Wow. You guys just cannot
stay away from me.
You wanna go someplace?
Um, let me just check
with the crowd.
Okay.
When you sing, I feel like a teenager.
And isn't that
your whole goal in life?
- Ha, ha.
- So sad.
You're right.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Ay, ay.
Okay, one personal question.
Why haven't you ever
gotten married until now?
Well, Why should I?
I get to do everything I want to do
whenever I want to.
I mean, what's wrong with that?
There's no mention of love?
No, no, no, I'm...
I'm not the falling-in-love type.
Okay.
Truth is, there was only one girl
in my entire life
that I fell in love with.
I let her get away.
Who was that?
You shouldn't have used up
your one personal question.
- Oh, you are holding on so tight.
- Ha, ha.
Oh, Mr. Big-Shot,
I know where I'm taking you.
- Take a seat, please.
- You have got to be kidding.
What's the matter, princess?
Scared of heights?
Yes, the princess
is scared of heights.
Well, I won't think less of you
if you throw up or cry.
Actually, I might if you cry.
Please don't cry.
- I won't cry.
- Billy,
I think I have to ask you
one more personal question.
Whoa!
What?
You're getting married tomorrow.
What are you doing here with me?
Well, you know
I'm getting married tomorrow.
- What are you doing here with me?
- Oh, see, I do have an answer.
I... like you.
I liked you from the moment
that I saw you.
None of which matters
if you love Lisa.
Do you?
What's...? No, no. No, no.
Oh, no, no. No!
No! No! No!
I knew you would like it.
Oh, yeah, no, I love it, I love it!
It's great.
Oh, good, because it goes
up and down three more times.
Oh, it... it's... What? Aah!
For a minute there, I thought
you were trying to kill me.
Well, you wouldn't answer
my personal questions,
so I thought I needed to scare
the answers out of you.
All right, well, Paddy and I, right?
When we were kids,
we were in love
with the same girl.
Sophie.
She's the one who got away?
Yeah.
First, you know,
it was just two best friends
competing for the same girl,
but as we got older, it got
a little more complicated.
One day, Paddy told Sophie
that she had to make a choice
between the two of us.
That night,
Sophie came to my house.
You know, she was confused.
She was young.
So she picked you.
Yeah.
Yeah, she came and
saw me first.
But everybody knew
she belonged with Paddy.
Everybody.
So I told her.
And then she went with Paddy.
Does Paddy know?
Oh, complicated.
A little bit.
You know, the boys are throwing
a party for me tonight.
Yeah, I heard.
Well, I would really love it
if you'd stop by.
Complicated.
A little bit.
There they are.
These are my...
- Those are the kids.
- Uh-huh?
And when they were younger.
And here are the grandkids.
Your son's son, and who's...?
That...
Oh, shame on you.
You don't even know
who they are.
- Jason and, uh, Edith.
- Those are-J?
- Those are grandchildren? Oh.
- Yes, yeah.
The one with the bottle there,
she has a drinking problem.
That's a binky.
It looks like a goatee.
It does.
- I got it.
- Our first guests.
Gentlemen, you have
definitely outdone yourselves.
Yeah, I got a little something, uh,
for you, my best men.
- Paddy.
- Aw, you shouldn't have.
- Sam.
- Oh, you really shouldn't have.
Archie.
You should have.
You asshole.
I can't believe this is your
last night as a bachelor, Billy.
You better brace yourself
for tomorrow.
But tonight, we're gonna party
like it's 1959.
- Yes!
- Yo, fellas?
I'm Stacy.
Which one of you is Sam Harris?
Hey! Come on in, guys.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Sam!
- Sam!
- He doesn't know you.
- Do I know you?
- Yes! Come on, you don't recognize
- the Material Girl? Madonna?
- Ma... Maurice!
- Yes.
- You look different.
- Of course, of course.
- I'm sorry!
- Sam, Sam, this is my wife Susan.
- Of course, you're Susan!
I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but
you seem like such
a conventional married couple.
- Ha, ha.
- Yeah, most people think that.
But listen,
don't get me wrong,
everyone else I brought
is just a complete freak!
- Have fun dancing.
- All right.
Thanks for coming.
- Mwah.
- Mwah. Yeah.
Hey! Hey! You've got... That's a guy.
Oh, there's a snake.
It's a snake.
Come on.
I know you wanna dance.
Yes, yes, but... But, see, I don't...
I don't know this.
Well, show me what you know.
Well, I know some things.
Everybody back up!
Back up! Give them some room!
Child, phew!
That was...
May I have this dance?
I got you, babe.
Let it go, Archie!
Hey, Lonnie!
We got a situation.
Um...
- Listen. No, no, wait.
- No, I got it. Relax.
- Let me explain to...
- Relax, relax.
- Lonnie.
- Fifty.
I thought you canceled.
Shit changed, man.
I'm in the next room.
- That's what's up?
- Think you can get them
- to turn the music down?
- Heh, oh, no, man.
Um, actually, these dudes
are kind of just getting started.
- Think I could come in for a bit?
- No, it's a private party.
- Come on...
- Needy. Watch him.
- All right.
- Please, man!
It's the bride-to-be!
Oh, you're gonna
need this tomorrow.
There you go.
Maid of honor!
- Grandpa Lou!
- Hey!
Thank you so much
for standing up for us at the club.
That was so awesome of you.
When you're from Brooklyn, uh, not
getting involved isn't an option.
I am so tired of
these young guys.
They are so immature.
Maybe I should spend some time
with a man of experience.
Let me show you around.
Here, let me.
There you are.
Pretty girl.
Aces, I was just cleaning up
over here.
Ah, put that stuff down.
- Go have some fun, you've earned it.
- Really?
- Really.
- Ah.
Aces, thank you so much.
Appreciate it.
Oh, uh.
- Before you go, Dean...
- Uh-huh?
Ask the girl to
dance, don't tell her.
Okay? Tell her
how beautiful she is,
not how sexy
she looks to you.
Tell her that from the time
she walked in here,
you have not been able
to take your eyes off of her.
- That's kind of true.
- Okay, then go for it.
Definitely.
I'll be damned.
The heck?
Hey, Pop! Pop!
- Pop.
- Ezra.
- What are you doing here?
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I asked you first.
- We were terrified.
You said you were going
on a church retreat.
We called the church.
Do you know how scared we were?
All right, I'm sorry, okay?
I didn't want to worry you about it.
Well, we were worried.
You can't do this kind of stuff.
You're not a kid anymore.
You know, you're right.
I am not a kid.
I'm a grown man,
who just happened to go
to one of his best friend's
bachelor parties.
As a matter of fact, I shouldn't have
had to lie about it in the first place.
- You could've had another episode.
- Let's call it what it is.
It's a stroke,
a mild stroke.
And it won't recur as long as
I take the damn pills.
If it does, I'll just die,
then, won't I?
Until then, Ezra...
Look at me when
I'm talking to you.
Until then,
I am not a feeble old man.
I've got a lot of
life left in me,
and I'm gonna live it doing
the things that I like to do.
One of them is dancing,
and the other one is having a drink.
I've danced.
Now if you'd care to join me,
I'd love to have a
drink with my son.
Heh, all right.
- Okay?
- Yeah.
Come on.
It's, uh... It's...
Wait a minute.
Uh, where was I? Ah. Yes.
- Which way?
- This way.
This is, uh...
This is where it all happens.
This was originally supposed to
be for a famous rock star.
- Really?
- Uh... Uh, yeah.
Fifty-Cent Piece.
And, uh,
he was going to, uh,
have a big deal here
with, uh, his groupies
and wild parties,
and the bed goes
around, and it's...
Now it's all going to waste.
It doesn't have to.
You don't think?
- Good, good.
- Heh.
You just wait for me one second.
I'm just gonna take a pill
in the other room.
Oh.
I don't need a pill.
You...
Uh...
Oh.
I'm so glad I met you.
Did I happen to mention
that I was married?
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
That's kind of hot.
Oh.
- Heh.
- It is kind of hot, isn't it?
Yeah.
That's better. Hmm.
Yeah.
Mm.
Mm.
The thing is...
- You don't want to have sex with me?
- Oh, oh, no, no, no, I do, I do.
Oh, God, I want to have
sex with you. A lot of it.
It would be...
Oh, spectacular.
It would be the most spectacular thing
that's happened to me in 25 years.
Uh...
Just... it... But...
The thing is...
Um...
It's crazy,
but, uh, whenever something
spectacular happens to me,
first thing I want to do
is tell my wife about it,
and, uh,
after 40 years of marriage, uh,
if I can't tell her about
something wonderful
that happened to me,
it sort of stops being wonderful.
I understand.
- It... It has something to do with...
- I mean, I get it, okay?
- She has a way of putting things.
- Will you just stop talking? Heh.
- What?
- Stop.
I really hope that I get to marry
a guy like you one day.
Heh.
I'm gonna get dressed.
You know, uh, a blowjob
wouldn't be out of the question.
What a party, man, huh?
Thank you, Paddy.
Just a little thing the guys and I threw,
you know.
What?
What do you keep looking
at the front door for?
It's Diana.
I invited her to the party.
I like her.
That's okay, isn't it?
I mean, you said Sophie
wouldn't want me
to be miserable the rest
of my life, right? So...
Right?
No, listen, I got nothing
to go home to anymore.
I got nothing, Billy.
I mean, it's an empty house
with a bunch of photographs.
It's very depressing.
She, at least, makes me feel
a little bit alive.
And feeling a little bit alive is a lot
better than just waiting to die, right?
Right?
Are you...? Billy, what's...?
Oh, my God.
You like her.
Susan, hi.
Uh-oh.
You're getting married.
- But you're a widower.
- You said Sophie would
want me to move
on with my life.
- That's right. Exactly.
- Well, you know, I was wrong.
You asshole!
Asshole! Whoo!
You are so cool!
Diana.
We gotta talk.
Hey, don't even think
about kissing me
until you've talked to
your fiance.
Paddy's gonna ask you out.
That's why I want to
get to you first.
Diana, you know
he's completely alone.
I just think you gotta
give him a chance.
Okay.
I thought...
Well, that's completely
embarrassing.
I guess I misunderstood.
No, it's not like that.
- No, it's not. It's not.
- Well, what is it?
Are you just gifting me to him
like you did his wife?
- It's not the same as that.
- Well, how is it different?
His wife had a choice to make.
First she came to you.
- You said, "No, choose him. "
- Oh, stop it.
- And so she did.
- Diana, stop...
How's it different?
That true?
What she just said?
Wow.
Poof. Just like that, everything.
Look, Paddy...
Paddy.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
No, it's not your fault.
It's, you know...
He's my best friend, you know?
Ha-ha-ha.
- And these four guys...
Paddy, you okay?
Paddy, what's wrong?
What happened?
Paddy?
We were kids, Paddy.
You don't know women.
What are you talking about?
Look, Billy, you don't know women
the way I know them.
You haven't shared
a full life with anyone.
You don't know what that is.
You can't tell a woman who to love.
Especially Sophie. You can't do it.
I know what I had
with my wife, Billy.
Thanks to you.
So I'm gonna ask you one more time,
you miserable prick.
One more time.
Do you love this woman
you are about to marry?
Billy!
All right, here's the deal:
You end it, or I will.
Hey, hey, you stay out of this, all right?
It has nothing to do with you.
Hey, babe!
- I owe you this one.
- Aah!
Lisa, my name's Patrick Connors.
Although that imbecile in the pool there
started calling me Paddy
when we were kids and it stuck.
Oh, right. Paddy!
It's so great to finally meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
- Billy's told me so much.
Why did you throw him in the pool?
Ah, that's just an old game
from the neighborhood.
Listen, dear.
Can I tell you something?
- Yeah.
- Fifty years ago,
Billy did something for me
that allowed me to marry
the only woman I ever loved.
And now it's my chance
to return the favor.
- I'm sorry, I don't understand.
- He's not in love with you.
He likes you.
I know he likes you a whole lot,
but he doesn't love you
like the way that he should.
I can't let him marry you.
He's my best friend.
I can't let him marry you.
Billy?
I guess we gotta talk, huh?
What is he saying to her?
That she's young,
got her whole life ahead of her.
Trying as best he can
to let her down easy.
I'm sorry,
I didn't catch your names.
- Madison.
- Taylor.
Madison.
How do you think
she's, uh, taking it?
Mixed emotions.
- This blows.
- Yeah. Blows.
This is gonna be one
sloppy, drunken weekend.
Yeah. Uh, bye, Taylor.
Bye, Madisons.
Hey, uh, Billy?
Yeah?
I couldn't let you marry her.
No, you did it right. You, uh...
Congratulations, a good job.
- You mad?
- No. No, you were right.
Because, you know,
if you're mad that's okay.
No, Paddy. I... I'm old.
You know?
And without her, uh...
I'm just scared of being old.
We were 17, you know,
five minutes ago.
It was just yesterday. I just don't know
where it all went, you know?
My brain cannot conceive
how old this body is.
Our girl's gone, Pat.
And I wasn't there
at the funeral.
And I'm so sorry about that.
I let you down, man.
And I couldn't bring myself
to say goodbye.
Archie's got a stroke, and Sam, well,
he's gone to Florida.
Man, it's just winding up
a little too fast.
And I'm feeling old and alone.
You have us.
Yeah, Billy.
God help you, you got us.
And you got a hot little number
singing her heart out
in some shithole across town,
you lucky son of a bitch.
Man.
Only you
Only you can make this
Change in me
For it's true
Oh, baby, you're my
Destiny
When you hold my hand
Is she sick?
That's it?
You're not gonna finish?
Shush. You got in for free.
So how did she take it?
Well, she's probably
in Malibu by now
burning my house down, you know?
It went as well as you could expect.
Poor kid. Are those for me?
Hmm? Oh.
Actually, um, no.
I'm sorry, um...
Excuse me.
On behalf of Binion's,
I'd like to apologize
for the delay in the
show, but, um...
...I'm really interested
in the performer.
She's the most amazing woman
I ever met,
and I just can't believe in two days
that she's, you know, inside my heart.
But I don't want her to know,
because, you know,
with gorgeous women,
they like men
that like to play hard-to-get.
True. Very true.
Thank you.
Okay, that worked.
So you gonna kiss me
now, or, um,
you want to hear more about
how I'm falling for you?
Eye contact. You...
it doesn't mean anything
without eye contact.
I'm looking at you, baby.
Mm, uh-oh.
All right, kid,
we'll take it from here.
Time you went and hung out
with some guys your own age.
And here's a little something
for your troubles.
- Wow, you sure?
- No, I was just putting you on.
- Of course I'm sure.
- You give the best advice.
You breathe a word
about us to the feds,
we will hunt you down.
Uh, my lips are sealed,
Mr. Accountant.
Let me get your bag.
- Boys! What's up, fellas?
- Lonnie-boy!
- Hey.
- All right, you ready to go?
Packed?
You got everything?
Let me get this off my chest.
I've hosted superstars,
I've hosted billionaires,
I've hosted kings,
and they ain't got nothing...
I said they have nothing on the
Flatbush Four, you hear me?
Nothing. And I remember,
I heard this beautiful quote.
It was, uh...
"Ain't nothing in this world
that's deeper than loyalty and love,
except for loyalty and love
between thugs. "
Fifty-Cent, man!
Fifty!
Hey, Lonnie, get a limo
for our buddy here and take him
out to the airport to
meet his friends.
Thank you.
Great party.
- Let's go, wise guy, come on.
- Let's go.
Okay, gentlemen.
Who wants a drink?
Drink?
Oh, man, where the hell
did you find that?
- Found it in the garbage.
- Crack that puppy open, buddy.
It's about time.
Ah, perfect, yeah. Okay.
Okay, so, uh,
here's to being invincible.
Invincible.
- Invincible.
- Invincible.
- Jeez.
- Terrible!
- Water.
- I gotta go brush my teeth.
It can't go bad. It's Scotch.
It's not so bad.
All right, Paddy,
I think you and I go in
and... that way.
Sam, you go in and that way.
And I go that way.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, uh, hell of a weekend.
Yeah. Yeah.
- That's for sure. Heh.
- Heh.
- You think?
- Yeah.
Yeah, next year...
...Disney World.
Myrtle Beach.
- Uh, Poconos.
- The Poconos.
Yeah, that's supposed to be nice.
- Atlantic City.
- Atlantic City?
But it's gotta be summer.
Kayaking in Norway.
Or the Orient Express.
We could take a barge
through the canals of, uh...
- France.
- France, Europe, Germany.
You guys are the best thing
that ever happened to me.
Yeah.
I don't care how
ugly you are.
- Sixty years.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey! Wrong way.
Oh. Hang on.
- Hello?
- Archibald, I got some news.
- Is it the prostate?
- No, man, it's not my prostate.
What's it with you and always
about the prostate, you know?
Wait a minute, let me patch in
the other guys, huh?
- I got that good cheese from France.
- Good.
- Mm-hm.
- And a bottle of wine?
Mm-hm.
- Hello?
- Hey, Paddy, it's Billy and Archie.
- Why is the phone ringing?
- Sam's not picking up.
So, guys, you ready for this?
Diana and I are gonna get married.
- Oh, wow!
- She's making a huge mistake.
He says you're making
a huge mistake.
Yeah, tell him I know.
I know, Paddy.
What about the five trips
to the toilet every night?
- I know it all.
- Congratulations.
I'll call you later, we'll talk
about the details, okay?
We're heading to a concert now
at the park.
- Oh.
- Really? Is she attractive?
- She'll do.
- All right, guys, well,
I gotta get my grandbaby
back inside.
I'll talk to you later.
- Congratulations, partner.
- From me too.
Okay, guys, talk to you later.
- See you soon.
- Bye.
Attaboy.
Oh, good, it stopped.
- Ah.
- Ha. Good.
- Hell with it.
- Hell with it.
Ah, how about that, eh?
- Pretty amazing.
- Yeah.
And no Viagra.
- Or Dramamine.
- Ha, ha.
We're gonna go again.
- Go where?
- We're going.
What, are you cr...?
Oh, no! Ha, ha.
Enough's enough!
Are you trying to kill me?