"Friendship is one soul
in two bodies"
said a Greek philosopher ages ago,
certainly gay.
Had the wise man known women,
he would have also known that
two bodies are not enough.
The story of Laydees,
girls from one block,
having New Year's parties
in the summer for 25 years,
proves clearly that friendship
is a single soul dwelling
in four bodies.
Who are these people?
What time is it?
- 9 p.m.
- Shall we rehearse?
- Lucy, please!
- We do it every year.
You force us to do dumb rehearsals.
Life's spontaneous!
Stop being a brat,
it's tradition.
Yeah! Gosia, you start,
you're the oldest.
Bitch.
This year like each year actually
I'd like a lovely little baby.
- But a boy or a girl?
- God, I'm going to puke...
Triplets, 1 of each sex.
- I want to get married this year!
- What?
- Get married.
- I'm going to puke.
Didn't you learn?
I was young, pregnant
and in an ugly dress.
I'll invest in new breasts!
Fuck, it even rhymes.
You're crazy.
You have tits!
You have tits,
I have itsy-bitsy zits.
In a year girls,
I'll stand here with
a pair of totally huge knockers!
- Sounds convincing.
- And you?
And me nothing.
I feel good just as it is.
She's lying.
She's dreaming of love...
- You crazy?
- I can see it in her eyes.
I'll avoid this love shit too.
Shags are ok, love is not. Love's
slavery, tears and gnashed cunts!
- From the Bible?
- It is, from the Apocrypha.
Caesar, that New Year's
is a crazy idea.
- We thought the invite was a joke.
- I'm not in this, legate
Darius!
My wife and friends've celebrated
New Year's in August for 25 years.
- Great!
- I'd say.
Where have you been?
Caught by a UFO?
- Yeah, in the loo.
- I hate it when you disappear.
Next time I'll take you with me,
and then...
- Stop it!
- Stop what?
- You look like a million bucks!
- People are looking.
Let them look!
Let them look and envy me.
Let's dance, I'll do such
a Fred Astaire that feathers'll fly.
Artur? You should be here now
at the New Year's party!
Honey, we've talked about this,
it's not a New Year's party!
Besides, it's the Miracle
on the Vistula,
the anniversary banquet.
It's extremely important!
Honey, how extremely?
Why am I not there?
You chose the Laydees.
Honey, I chose you a long time ago.
I'll be back in about 10... no,
in 12 days! So, please,
be in shape, you hear me?
I don't know,
exercise or something!
Drink milk! Eat, you know...
proteins! In eggs!
- They're supposed to be best!
- I promise to be in top form.
- Love you, bye.
- Love you too.
Did you see how Marek
wore me out?
A demon.
How long till midnight?
An oar.
You're an oar yourself.
One oar... two oar...
oar after oar... and bang!
Twenty-five years.
- Whoa, a quarter of a century.
- A quarter today, a half tomorrow...
And life will pass like
a flash in the cunt.
And it's boring, too, isn't it?
- Boring, isn't it?
- Yeah...
In general,
it's developing like this.
- It develops...
- Don't correct her.
- You're too small.
- Right, and too dumb.
She's not small.
She's already kissed!
Yuck!
If that's true,
then you're disgusting.
We've got no choice, apart from them,
none of the girls live here.
- And why do you need us?
- For the New Year's Eve.
- For what?
- An adult's party.
Stop being a know-all.
It's a party for adults,
when they feel bored.
At midnight you make a wish,
it comes true next year.
New Year's Eve is a grand moment.
And that's why
you have to behave like true ladies.
Luka, show them!
L-a-y-d-e-e-s...
That's in English.
These are ladies, precisely.
Which is us.
From today on, for ever.
LAYDEES
- Give it to me, you drunkard!
- You're worse than Artur.
For the better...
Oh, he's calling!
How are you honey?
Gosia, hello? It's Istvan!
- Istvan.
- Who?
I am awfully sorry...
What's up?
I was hoping you'd come
but Artur told me everything.
- It's stupid with this funeral...
- With what?
Well, Artur said you had to stay
in Warsaw because of the funeral...
Aaa, my close friend died...
Well, not my close friend but her
husband, but you know how it is.
One for all, and all for one,
or something...
Goka, it's very loud
and cheerful there...
It's because, he wanted it
to be a kind of Indian ritual.
Loud, cheerful, everyone's
feeling awfully sad, though.
And Gosia,
will you come to Brussels?
Lucy, I must go to the loo...
I feel sick!
...Gosia? Hello?
You woke up Juleczka
and Darek's wife's taking him home?
Why take a kid to New Year's?
Was "take your infant and
your breast milk" on the invite?
Or "we'll provide you with
service on leather sofas"?
It's not a real New Year's!
Korba!
Look who's talking! A man who runs
in a toga and says he's a Roman!
Stop smoking!
You stink of fags.
You know what, sugar pots, I'll go
and have a dance on the table, ok?
You got it all mixed up!
Have your Romans,
leave my New Year's alone!
It's the New Year's to me!
- I worked 6 years in London!
- By the sink?
As a graphic designer!
Just back and I'm looking around,
'cause I don't want to take
just anything.
I guarantee you, sweetie pie,
that this is not just anything!
So stop blabbing
and start dancing!
Fucking Romans! How close
is the fall of your empire!
Fuck, I think you've mistaken
the ladies, Mareczek!
Monia, listen,
it's not like that!
We want to get married.
- Shut up!
- I'll help you:
You walked, and fell right
between her legs!
Monia, please don't say anything!
Monia!
But you're feeling alright now,
right?
Get undressed,
Edgar...
I won't do anything to you.
- Erwin. My name is Erwin.
- Whatever, man.
You can even be
Lech Jarosaw
to me now...
Lech Jarosaw...
- Bang.
- I can see!
Korba, get dressed and say goodbye!
Now Korba!
He'll cool down.
- You have to recycle waste.
- You must bring it round first.
- Bring it round and kill it.
- Great plan.
Well, wake up, bitch!
Marek?
- Ok, now you've gone too far!
- You know already?
You confessed, right?
And just before midnight!
That bastard, eh?
- I almost died.
- You can take it?
Easy, Korba! I'm shaking.
The most wonderful day
of my entire life!
What?!
- The one, wild and divine!
- I can't keep the fuck up anymore.
Marek has just proposed!
- Goka! You'll be bridesmaids!
- I'll be a maid, too?
- Happy?
- It's great.
Have a kid at once!
Jesus!
Fuck!
You vanished
like Cinderella.
The fairies helped me find you
sooner than in the fairytale.
Fairytale? Oh, I know what tale
you're talking about!
The one in which you first
touch me with your magic wand,
your laser sword and then I,
of course, weep with pleasure,
then I spend the rest
of my life praying for you
not to get your
midlife crisis too soon,
and you come home wearing
a Hawaiian shirt,
and our friends' daughter saying:
honey, meet my new wife,
but oh, don't worry,
I won't throw you out
on the street.
You can still live with us
if you do all the chores.
You can shove this tale
up my ass, Edgar!
Erwin.
Whatever... you...
pork chop clown!
Girls, this will be
a wonderful year!
Laydees!
The Laydees believed that
the wish made on New Year's
would come true very soon.
Korba was doing best.
Hunting down her prey.
She rested during work to have
strength for the next hunts.
Editing for a glossy magazine,
a job she deeply despised.
Goka was obsessively watching
her fertile days.
When they came, she flew
to Brussels, where her husband,
a member of Parliament,
was living.
She was trying not to
notice Artur's devotion to work,
and he disappeared in ever
more enigmatic subcommittees.
Monia wanted to enlarge
her breasts feeling
she wasn't worth loving.
She never knew how to be happy.
Her rich eccentric husband,
who thinks he is the last heir
to the Roman Empire,
bought her a sports club.
ucja looked for a man
who would be a father to her son.
Marek, a sexy education curator,
seemed the perfect candidate.
However, he had one flaw
of which ucja had no idea -
he loved all the women
in the world just too much...
There, finally!
Hi, honey.
Cut it out, Szymek is here.
Cheers, young lad!
I said "Cheers, young lad!"
I'm going to play football.
How about the film with Szyc?
- With Szyc? Come on.
- Then maybe...
I can't go today.
- You promised!
- I know I promised, honey.
- But unfortunately, again...
- Baej?
- Another attack.
- What this time?
- The washing machine.
- God!
Yeah, and about the thing...
Would you be so kind?
- You know...
- Don't mention it!
Shirts sixty degrees,
socks and sweaters thirty.
- Shirts 60, socks 30.
- Don't mix the colours.
- Yeah, I know, now I know.
- Thanks.
Mum...
Stop whining!
I'll leave in a second.
- It's not about the bathroom.
- What is it?
Sleep with who you want.
But must you mix our undies?
It's humiliating for me!
Szymek, it's not how
you think it is.
- Yeah, right...
- Marek is a good man.
- All heroes are dead mum.
- I'm serious, honey.
He's sacrificed for years.
- A hero!
- He is! I've seen it!
Baej is in a wheelchair, Marek
has to feed him, calm him down.
- Change his diapers.
- It's dreadful!
Baej has anxiety attacks.
He cries for days,
he yells at washing machines.
I saw it!
Honey, it was awful...
So maybe we could help
Marek with his laundry?
You have to be a bit human honey.
I'm sorry...
- A new one?
- Yeah.
- It's illegal?
- Legal, Wojtek's.
- Wojtek who?
- I told you! He moved in recently.
- You didn't say anything.
- I did, but you didn't listen!
- I play football with him.
- What? Exercise is good for you.
- I love you.
- I know, mum!
I know you know.
You're so scrupulous,
we had to delay the press again!
- There were errors!
- No!
Millions of women wait for the new issue
and you're talking about commas?
Screw the commas,
no one else in this country
knows where to put them!
What grand piano?!
Are you mad?!
I didn't order a piano!
I'm telling you I don't give
a fuck about pianos!
Later! I don't know how later!
You call and find out!
People are vultures!
They ring and say there's piano,
and to come sign the bill!
Completely mad!
- Did you buy a piano?
- Do I look like a moron?!
Tomek bought it, dumbass.
- I hope I didn't disturb you?
- No, never!
We're just chatting
a bit about work.
A VIP pass for a year,
all inclusive.
- I shouldn't.
- We have new treatments!
Asian peeling knocks off 10 years.
- I really shouldn't.
- It's an honour for my club.
And for my magazine which
I have the honour of running.
Can I take my friend
for two-three hours?
- You're most welcome.
- Wonderful.
- See you at the club. Bye!
- Goodbye!
Excuse me.
They slipped out...
Without the passes, the bitch
would have fired me long ago.
You should be the editor!
The chairman is eating out
of Tomek's hand.
Writing is worse
than correcting this shit.
Korba, you're stupid.
And Marek?
- Maybe Asian peeling?
- I'm serious!
- So am I.
- We have to tell Lucy.
- And make her life miserable.
- Don't exaggerate.
- I'll buy her a present.
- Maybe give her the piano!
Oh, fuck! I forgot
they're standing outside!
- Tomek's problem!
- Tomek's away!
He's on his survival camp.
Drinking dirty water,
fucking around with swords
and no phone, moron!
Speaking of morons,
we have to talk to Marek.
Jesus, what will he tell you?
"It's not what you think!
I don't know what got into me!
I love Lucy"?
I love their excuses.
That's my little fetish.
But maybe? I know!
We'll make him sign
a prenuptial!
- Call Goka, we need a lawyer.
- Goka is in Brussels.
- Artur is fertilizing her.
- Again?
- Hello?
- Hi, hi!
I'm so glad you came!
Yeah, I came...
Hi, Istvan, how are you?
You want to talk to Artur?
No... Yes, yes! To Artur!
What time is it?
Artur is taking a bath.
Oh. He's taking a bath...
- And how are you, Gosia?
- Me? I'm fine!
I'm pregnant!
Artur didn't tell me anything!
I've been pregnant since
- Who called?
- Wrong number.
- Who?
- Wrong number.
- How are you feeling, honey?
- Fantastic.
Girl, we had an appointment!
Move, move!
Damn...
- Good morning!
- He won't answer.
- Is he a deaf mute?
- No, a Spanish juggler.
Where the fuck
did you find him?
At a sale...
- Sweetie!
- Daddy.
- You remembered about me at last...
- Actually,
- I was at Korba's place...
- Good morning, Karolina.
Maybe you'd persuade her
to come to my place sometime.
- Dad! I do come.
- But she comes.
- Who is that?
- It's...
- A friend.
- A Latino? I hate Latinos.
- No. Spanish.
- The same scum...
- Dad! It's Korba's friend!
- Rather a one-time tour.
- So, we have to be going, right...
- So do I. To the housing office.
Goodbye.
I forgot your mother's affair
with a tenor from Argentina.
He was a baritone...
A fucking baritone from the Pampas.
It's not like that, girls.
It's not what you think.
I don't know why, I love ucja.
- I swear I'll kick the shit out of him.
- Girls, show some empathy.
Exactly! Empathy.
It's some kind of Asian soup?
I know only about Asian peeling.
It's my brother...
Yeah... He's got tits the size
of melons and his name is Joanna.
It really is my brother.
- He's disabled.
- Does it run in your family?
Jesus Christ, Baej.
Korba, help!
A towel!
Now give me the syringe!
And the ampoule! There!
Girls, wait in the other room!
Let's go.
Now calm down, calm down!
Shut up.
It's been like this for 13 years,
and it's getting worse and worse.
The doctors say that
it's a matter of months.
I can't... I can't stand
this mood swing anymore.
I admit sometimes
I go insane and I get lost,
but I'm not a bad man.
Believe me, I'm not.
Fuck, he's screwed.
Empathy: an Asian soup...
God, we're such bitches!
I thought she'd have a heart attack!
A heart attack
with no heart?
I don't have a heart.
Milena no brain.
Proofread this immediately!
Aunt Korba has handled
worse situations.
It will be ready in a minute, hun!
What are you doing here,
Edgar... Erwin?
I'm looking at you.
I've noticed.
Care to elaborate?
- Did you think I'd let you disappear?
- Yes!
I won't let.
And? Are you some kind
of B-rate movie psycho?
Will you stalk me,
give flowers, search my garbage,
scare away boyfriends?
Maybe you'll slash me right away?
What are your plans, Edgar.
Erwin?
I will marry you.
You really are a psycho.
A funny one, but a psycho.
- I'm serious.
- So am I.
I'm not sure whether
you've noticed but I work here.
W-O-R-K... And today we've got our
little office star-fucking-wars.
In a moment a bitchy Death Star
will come and
if I don't send the fucking
pages I'll be antimatter.
Listen to Korba's
advice and fuck off.
- You're incredible!
- Do I stutter?
There you are at last!
This is Edgar... Erwin...
And this is our editor-in-chief,
whom I told you about...
Korba, don't be an idiot.
I'm not.
Edgar is here by accident.
I sometimes think it's
you who's here by accident.
Mister Erwin Tuszyski
is certainly not.
He's been employed as
our art director today...
We are very lucky to have such an
experienced designer join our team!
Sure.
Hi, darling...
How was your day?
Ok. When did you come back?
Three hours ago.
And who won?
It's been known for 2000 years
that we have conquered Thrace.
- You're quitting this, aren't you?
- Why would you think that?
Your piano,
I thought the barbarians are over.
- A lifetime isn't enough.
- I bought it?
- Who else?
- You...
No way.
I hate playing the piano.
I told you a 100 times!
Who the fuck
brought this can?
Yes.
- Monisia?
- Monisia?
- Let me in, it's me!
- Who me?
- What do you mean, who? Nina!
- Nina? What Nina?
What Nina, hun?
Mummy!
Monia's mother arrived
after seventeen years,
with nothing but a grand piano.
She announced that until
she made up with her father,
she would move in.
Monia was furious with rage
but didn't dare to refuse.
No one ever refused
her mother anything.
Monthly reproductive sex was
far from spontaneous.
In spite of this,
Goka loved Artur like always
and suffered when he
stopped noticing her.
She drowned her sorrows
in a glass
which was getting bigger
and bigger with every month.
ucja washed Marek's underwear
with the patience of a saint
and accepted the wedding
date changes.
She didn't notice that Wojtek -
he son's new friend -
was twenty-five years older
than Szymek.
Korba was constantly
proving Erwin that working together
makes things worse,
and completely ignored him.
Secretary Marysia,
for whom Korba is the ideal woman,
was gazing at Erwin
with undeniable fascination.
No, Klaudiusz, I can talk.
This evening?
Maybe, maybe...
You, too,
the way you like
it most...
Ok, bye!
Women's Day was in March,
my birthday is in February,
the Assumption is in August.
- It's a miss.
- But...
Let me finish. I don't give
a fuck if you love me nut!
- But don't mess up my life!
- You really think I'm such a nut?
That I love them all?
Yes, Milena.
I'm coming! I'm coming!
So, how did it go?
- She was exceptionally nice.
- I knew it was a great idea!
With the roses!
People are friendly
in rooms with flowers!
- You did this?
- Yeah!
- I'll remember...
- Thanks, Korba!
Surpriiiiiiiiiiise!
- Aren't you happy?
- I'm waiting for someone.
Phew!
I thought that look was for us.
You'll be stunned at what
we got Goka for her trip!
- I certainly was!
- A rubber black man!
- A piece of his equipment!
- Miiiiiiiiissed!
Look!
Monia told me to light up
my relationship. With this!
- She doesn't like it.
- Perversion's her game.
It's enough for Artur. It's about
his sperm reaching the finishing line.
If they don't move?
We'll buy a doll with huge tits?
- Well?
- It doesn't make any sense.
- They'll split.
- Stop being hysterical, be brave!
This is if the thong doesn't work.
It's so pretty!
Gift stickers, right?
I'll buy something at the airport
for Artur. Cigars or whisky,
- and I'll stick this little heart.
- These are pasties to dance stupid!
No blue ones?
I look better in blue.
Sorry, I've got company.
Professor?
Klaudiusz Jedynak?
Grade eight b!
Professor, had I known,
I would have brought flowers!
- I'm a mammoth.
- I did the mouse prank!
- I'm touched.
- I was so in love with you!
Everyone loved ucja,
me the most!
Alright, kid,
tomorrow is teacher's day,
you'll have a date with
the professor, goodbye!
Korba, am I dreaming?
Did you sleep with my student?
With a kid, a kid!
I taught him euglena, meiosis,
paramecia.
- He remembered the euglena.
- A kid.
But he's just a kid!
- What that kid can do!
- Don't tell me!
I can't hear you!
Can't hear you.
We once went to a zoo in Bali.
- I know that story already!
- Quiet!
And there was a huge hanging bat.
About...
something about the size
of a big cat.
Upside down with an erection.
- I'll get some fresh air.
- Don't interrupt!
Go on!
And that bat, imagine this,
was giving itself head...
I thought I would drop dead!
I didn't know where to look!
- Wiseass.
- It didn't feel embarrassed.
I won't even ask...
Did it come?
Please!
Not when I was there.
The worst thing is that
I have this huge,
enormous, giant ass,
which is totally out of control.
I have my motor behaviours,
it has its own...
For instance,
when I walk down a corridor
I feel it viciously dangling behind.
You can generally kiss my ass.
Each day even more.
And because of this I have to buy
my dresses a size bigger.
That's nothing.
I extract cellulite from air.
My organism can catch fats
essential for the existence
of cellulite just from air,
- and turn them into a fat lining.
- But you're thin as a rake!
No way, hun! I have cellulite
everywhere except under my eyes.
This is physically impossible...
once again.
To mistake a grandma for a wolf!
That girl must have been
either totally dumb,
or must have come from a very,
very ugly-Iooking family...
And if men are from Mars,
they should do back there.
You know, since I'm with Artur
I haven't farted!
- Does he forbid you?
- No, but...
There's no connection.
We pass each other somehow.
You're too tense! Too much
calculation, no spontaneity!
Being spontaneous
is really important.
Hey, when do you ovulate?
In three days
I'm flying to see Artur.
You are not!
Korba! Hand me the laptop,
we'll rebook it for today!
She's right! Be spontaneous!
A FEW HOURS LATER
Gosia?
I feel awfully stupid.
I don't know what to say.
Truth is best.
My flat is being renovated and...
Artur gave me the keys
so I could take a shower...
- You think I'm an idiot?
- Really,
Artur gave me the keys
in the summer...
So I would water
- his plants...
- Water the plants...
And he has my key...
'Cause... 'Cause when
I'm away he feeds my cats.
Feeds your cats.
Charming...
And where is he now?
Feeding the cats
or in the shower?
Gosia, no!
He's in Strasbourg.
In Strasbourg and he told
me you'd be here in two days.
Change of plans.
Gosia, are you...
- angry at me?
- Should I be?
- Gosia! Anything for you.
- Istvan, please.
But really.
I want to be alone...
Just go!
I'll catch a bus and I'm coming...
What cab, auntie?!
I don't have money for cabs!
- Bye! Sorry.
- I understand...
- So what happened next?
- Nothing. Amazing, huh?
I wouldn't have believed it.
I saw something like that not
in Bali but in our zoo.
- A bat, too?
- No, no! A chimpanzee.
Oh, he's coming!
Hi, darling!
- Nice flowers! For your hard work?
- They're Arletta's.
These are mine...
I have to take a bus to the hospital.
They'll be ruined!
You'll miss the doctor! Marek
will take you. Right, honey?
But what?
Take Arletka, ok?
That is, ok...
A man's got to do... so get in.
Thanks. Bye.
Bye, darling.
Happy teacher's day!
Call me "auntie"!
Hello, Artur!
I don't give a damn about
where you are!
But me and my ovulation
are waiting for you...
You're waiting? For me?
In Brussels?
- Today?
- Right now!
I'm having this autumn's
most important conference!
"Preventing the Extinction
of Europe."
Tell them you're leaving
for practical training.
You have 15 minutes to get here!
I don't give a fuck how. Bye.
No more, you won't eat supper.
- One.
- No!
One...
Good evening, professor!
Will you stalk me all day long?
Actually I'm going to see Korba.
We've got things to catch up on.
- Who's that dumbbell, mum?
- Oh, nobody.
An old student of mine.
What is he doing
at Korba's?
She's giving him extra lessons.
- What lessons?
- French.
This is nothing...
She screamed with that Latino.
- Want some more cheese?
- No, dad. Thanks.
- It's very good cheese.
- I know.
- The best!
- I know, dad, I know...
Your mother had a meeting with me.
She wants to move back in...
You shouldn't agree.
She doesn't have a heart.
I know, sweetie...
I know.
So, thanks! Bye!
- My time too.
- Arletka's cool, isn't she?
- Who?
- The girl you gave a lift today.
Well, I don't know.
Kind of thin.
Can't you stay today?
With pleasure, hun, you know...
But Baej...
Got to go.
I don't know...
It's all this stress!
Sure.
Sure... Stress...
I care, too, you know!
But this is not a lab!
I... I need...
an atmosphere.
- What do you need?
- Atmosphere!
What the hell is this?
Champagne, strawberries,
incense, candles...
I've got fucking
g-strings up my ass!
- Not that kind of atmosphere.
- I know!
But I won't get myself
an extra dick!
WARSAW
Plonk!
I know how you feel...
I feel the same.
Only moments are important
in life and this moment is ours.
I'll shag your pussy so hard,
your brains will come out.
Leave the pussies alone.
They have weak lungs.
- And how are your lungs?
- Everything's very fine with me.
And some things are even better.
- What about genes?
- Huge.
Firm and ruthless...
That's what they all say.
I'll risk it.
But you need
to get me pregnant.
- But-not pregnant?
- Yes, pregnant!
The procedure is the same,
the finishing line is different.
But, like... straight away?
No foreplay?
No time,
my ovulation ends soon!
It's some kind of a programme, right?
Candid camera?
Where are the cameras?
Me and my beaver are
in under.
One condition:
right here right now.
We enter the spaceship
and land at your place.
Well, not my place, because
I live with my disabled brother.
What is he suffering from?
If it's mental, then no.
That's genetic. I don't want
a murderer or politician!
No, it's ok...
A mere old paralytic!
Quite handsome
for a disabled guy...
It was Marek!
I was a bit drunk, tired,
pissed even...
- I know Marek.
- Pissed? Because of the g-strings!
I knew Monia had overdone it!
You hear me?!
The guy says he lives with
his disabled brother!
Where do we know that from?
I saw his photo!
Damn me if that wasn't Marek!
There, he looked like this.
- Its not Marek.
- You think I can't recognize him?
Even if he does this?
Wait,
wait... It just occurred to me.
It's him!
No way! I'm telling you,
you got it all mixed up!
This is Baej, Marek's brother!
No, honey.
It's that guy from the bar.
Believe me,
he wasn't sitting in a wheelchair.
It's all true!
I saw it myself.
You saw it and didn't tell me?
Fuck!
I'm so alone with this!
We're such idiots.
I even felt sorry for that S.O. B!
You knew, too?!
I had no idea he had such
an impatient dick!
I can get you a new guy
in 2 days!
Good idea! Cut the old one
into pieces and trash them!
This disabled brother story
isn't for just Lucy!
- What?
- There are more idiots like you.
- Do you want to kill her?
- Me? Rather him!
Don't worry. We'll get him!
There must proof in his place.
- How do you know?
- Murders leave traces!
- We have to copy his keys.
- He never leaves his keys.
- Call him and tell him to come!
- Sure, and tell him what?
You'll say... not.
Tell him you're
hearing voices from the loo.
Korba, you're totally nuts!
I swear, 2 years ago my pipe
started resonating.
It got Radio Maryja. A voice
said "Repent of your sins".
- Hey.
- Hey, honey.
- Your toilet's talking?
- Could you check it?
I flooded my neighbours once.
A drink?
No time! I'll have a quick look!
To your neighbour's.
But wait!
- Dywanik.
- Divan maker? I've got a bed.
- Marek Dywanik!
- Oh, sorry. Wojtek Rawski.
- How's your loo?
- What do you mean?
Anything coming out of it?
Voices?
- Grobik ucja, hello.
- Wojtek Rawski, nice to meet you.
No, no, it's nothing.
My pipe is resonating...
- I hope I didn't flood you, did I?
- No, no, no. Not even a drop...
Thank God!
We won't disturb anymore!
Goodbye.
Ok. Show me the loo and I'm off!
- Maybe a drink?
- I'm in a hurry!
Well, cheers then!
- Are you out of your mind?
- It's just a shirt!
Just a shirt? I look like... fuck!
I need to wash it out quickly!
And now it won't come off!
- Why so many glasses?
- Laydees...
You've been drinking since morning?
Fuck, I'll be late.
- With whom?
- The minister! I'll look like scum!
I don't get it.
I don't know? I only did this...
Fucking shit! Are you crazy?
I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
Its all due to global warming!
Due to what?
What's got into you today?
Get it off quickly,
I'll wash it.
- Yeah, I'm getting it off.
- Sit down.
Look what I found under
Szymek's bed! God, kids grow fast!
- Here.
- Thanks.
Done?
Salt!
I forgot about salt!
It comes off best with salt.
Fuck!
Are you finishing?
Just a moment!
- Well, fight!
- It's barely coming off.
Hi, love.
We're having a little mess here...
No, I'm at the education office.
Yeah... I'm doing what I can.
It's the kid! The kid's calling!
You're crazy?
We almost got caught!
Yeah, I'll be Cubaaa
and my fidello will sort out
your naughty havana.
The locksmith's gone!
Whoring around town!
Keep him inside for a while.
- She doesn't know how.
- Move your ass!
Study chapter 1 of Kamasutra!
I don't know what you're doing
but I'm out of here!
In a tracksuit?
No kidding!
Give me my keys!
I left them in my pants!
- Ok, I'll get them myself!
- Oh, yes! Yes... Get...
Woman, I told you
I don't have time.
Not even a minute?
Not a quick second for your Samanta?
- Luka, what have you been taking?!
- For Samanta,
a very, very bad cowgirl...
Luka!
It was open. I knocked, but...
No, not as loud as you, I guess...
And we got that cream you
said you needed at once...
- The important one!
- Ok... Great! I'm glad!
Leave it in the toi-let!
And... Turn off the water!
Is the coast clear?
Yes, minister, sir...
Everything according to plan.
I'm sending my regards, too...
Talk to you soon.
Excuse me, deputy minister,
where did we stop?
That you'll fuck my brains out?
More or less...
Let's go to my place.
Your brother?
My brother?
He's having treatments.
Oh you're quick.
Ok...
I'll show you something.
Tell me what it is.
You see...
It's not that simple.
Come in.
- There's nothing here.
- Give me 15 minutes.
That S.O.B. hid it.
Well, well, well...
I didn't know you liked diving.
I like to dip sometimes.
Deep?
It depends with whom.
- Would you like some tea?
- No.
Then I'll make you some.
Bingo!
What?
No, no way,
you don't think that...
- There's nothing in there.
- Did he ever tape you?
- No way! Are you mad?!
- Lucy!
Ok! Once!
But only once!
Did you want to show me...
bats?
You know what bats can do?
Especially the ones from Bali.
Balls?
- No, from Bali.
- The islands?
Not only do they have huge
really huge dongs...
they can give themselves blow jobs.
- What can they do?
- Well, themselves...
You know, themselves.
They give themselves head!
The kind of partner
I'm looking for.
Itself.
Jesus, my brother,
I need to pick him up.
Baej... but Baej! Baej!
- 12 tapes and nothing.
- Don't give up.
Goka. Right?
I think I was too hard
on him, he ran away!
- Baej is coming!
- Just this last one.
- "Little Red Riding Hood"!
- I swear, last one!
Voila!
Coffee, like you wanted.
We're not
sitting here to have coffee,
are we?
So what is it, cutie?
Well...
It's about
that thing at ucja's place.
I know, I know...
Not bad, eh.
You liked it.
Very impressive...
Impressive will be
our next encounter.
Anaerobic descent into
the Marianas Trench of pleasure...
- I see you like to play rough.
- You have no idea how!
You'll kill me!
You pathological seeder
of sperm!
- Oh, holy fucking shit!
- It's your kitchen.
- That gal from the New Year's.
- Arletta.
I got his phone, but he got away!
Leave fast!
Ok! Got to run!
I'm not going anywhere!
I'll wait and kill the bastard!
Personally!
The Laydees' revenge
is best served cold!
Good morning.
I'm calling from curator
Marek Dywanik's office.
Right, right, your son's!
I'm sorry. I'm calling from
the cleaner's! Wrong number.
He's got a mother!
There's another one.
Good morning, miss...
Miss Mariolka?
I am Marek Dywanik's friend...
Did you sleep with him?
No, no, this is not a joke!
Marek Dywanik slept with
I have tapes you may want to watch.
Thank you very much.
Welcome.
Please come.
- Please, ucja.
- No. Arletka first. It's her day.
- Alright, come.
- So maybe I'II...
- Please.
- Thank you.
I assume you've already met
Mister Dywanik.
Yes, yes, I've had the pleasure.
I hope that you'll be able
to accurately judge
the professional skills
of Miss Arletta.
Oh, that?
My brother fell off his wheelchair
and I tried to lift him.
- It's nothing.
- Don't be nervous!
Mr. Dywanik is not
a monster and he will certainly
give you high marks,
right ucja?
Yes, yes, beyond doubt...
I'm worried about our equipment,
it's a miracle we got this material.
We have faith in you!
ucja will also keep
her fingers crossed, right?
Hello. I'm calling you from...
The venereal diseases ward.
God bless you!
Maybe I'll hold this.
That's a bummer.
It's glue!
God, there is truly no sanctity left,
Father Director!
Lately the history teacher and now in
the office? It's the end of the world.
Now what?!
What about my class?!
It's fucked!
That is... if the principal...
I've been preparing for so long.
How will he judge me now?
- I'll think of something.
- Oh, yes, most certainly!
All that for nothing!
The material, the film, everything!
We'll manage, Miss Arletka!
ucja can substitute
for you this lesson.
Me? Well, I don't know...
Final decision, and you,
Miss Arletta, calm down.
You'll get permission
another time, right?
Today I'm substituting
for your professor, who...
has problems keeping an eye
on what is glued to her bum.
Not for the first time, actually...
Ok.
The subject of this lesson is:
"Faith in the Animal Kingdom".
Maybe you, Kozowski.
Which animals form couples
for their entire lives?
In contrast to some of the
education department staff.
- Elephants.
- Well done!
When an elephant dies, her partner
mourns for her. What other animals?
If no one knows, I'll tell you.
The second commonly known
species is the swan.
Basically, all animals
having the least sense of decency
form couples
and stay faithful to each other!
Lobsters, for instance!
Old lobsters walk around
the sea bed holding their pincers!
They don't worry that some peep.
Excuse me, but that is unfair!
Pipa pipa!
Write that down.
Pipa pipa!
Write "pipa pipa" down when
your professor says so.
Toad from the pipidae family.
Known for its
interesting form of reproduction.
Pipa pipa when spawning
makes a somersault!
And now a film about it,
prepared by Miss Arletka.
Switch it off.
Sorry, this can't be
the right film!
You saw that I got it from Arletta!
Thank you very much!
Lucky you prick that
I didn't show the holiday film!
When you were dressed as Santa
and she as a snowflake.
Come, come...
We'll go to my place,
everything will be alright.
Fuck!
What's going on?!
A tsunami?!
Yeah, that brother of yours
can go completely nuts.
We were waiting for you,
Mareczek.
Hi, girls.
Revenge on Marek proved
to be short-term pleasure.
Soon ucja plunged into
despair for months.
Her job became a constant
ordeal and she wanted to quit it.
Only Szymek was happy
with Marek's absence;
his fatherfigure was played by
his neighbour from below, Wojtek.
Living with her mother was
a nightmare for Monia.
She never felt so unattractive.
She forced Tomek to quit smoking
buying him nicotine patches
as a Christmas gift.
She also swore she would
finally fix her breasts,
to be larger than
those which had fed her.
Artur never called.
Instead, Istvan did on Christmas Eve,
wishing Goka luck in love.
She thanked politely,
although it wasn't easy
knowing your husband preferred
Christmas with
a hairy-assed Portuguese.
Korba's men-hunting intensified,
but together with each new prize
her Ioneliness increased.
She cried the entire Christmas,
blaming herself for not being
strong enough.
The night leading from
December 31 st to 1 st January,
called New Year's Eve
by everyone except the Laydees,
they spent in a terrible mood.
The winter seemed to have no end.
And then, like a jack-in-the-box,
Valentine's Day suddenly
popped out of the calendar.
Valentine's Day
"The World of Insects."
Tybingowski! What
insects were recently?
- Eeeh... well... bugs... which...
- Me... May I, miss?
- If you must.
- The last lesson professor
showed us African butterflies,
Cera condon...
Acraea encedon, Rzepecka!
Encedon!
...and we learned that
over ninety per cent
of this species are females.
Because... Because...
I don't remember...
Because the males were eaten
away by bacteria, yes?
That's why they run
after any male.
The wisdom of the species
and despair of surviving!
- Professor said it!
- It's stupidity not wisdom.
Butterflies have such little brains.
Bigger creatures behave
equally stupid. Next subject:
"The reason for nailing
some bugs' heads!"
ucja, enough. Teaching children
about the genitals of butterflies.
Moths, Father,
Olceclostera seraphica.
Genitals on which you can play
serenades for their beloved? Enough!
I agree,
some males definitely overdo it.
How to get through to you, ucja?
I know times are tough.
I understand, I'm human, too.
But the patron of our school!
St. Bobola, we have an obligation.
The intangible
is most important, ucja!
I couldn't agree more, father.
My intangibles are
at least two sizes too small!
I'm talking about moral intangibles!
And stop annoying me!
You are the only biologist,
I couldn't fire if even I wanted.
I will try...
Let us hurry to love people,
They depart so quickly.
- It's your handwriting!
- Mine.
Are you emotionally dysfunctional?
For everybody
on "Valentine's Day"?
- Only to you.
- Only me?
- I haven't heard that song before.
- I just wanted to cheer you up.
"Hurry to love people,
they depart so quickly"?
- The poem suits you.
- Suits me?! You're completely mad!
- You're so Ionely, I wanted...
- Rubbish!
Start taking some pills.
You chose some fairly big implants,
Miss Monika,
so a nipple cut is out
of the question.
We'll do it here...
in the armpit...
- I'll be frozen?
- General anaesthesia.
General? I read in "Biba!" Pamela
Anderson needed 20 minutes for this.
Miss Monika, this is surgery
and quite a serious one...
Later you'll spend
a few days in the clinic until
the swelling goes down
and there's no infection.
Then the sharp post-surgery
pain should also subside.
- How sharp?
- Let's not think about this now.
We will also see whether
the stitches are not splitting
or whether the implants move.
Fortunately keloids, breast milk
and lack of feeling in the nipples
or scars are much rarer!
And the stitches will be gone
after about a year!
I'll have to think about this.
I'll call you!
- Sorry.
- What's up, darling?
I need Erwin for this page.
Three minutes, honey...
How can I help you?
Help me? Rather thank me?
But for what?
For getting you out
of her killer claws.
It's my little gift for
Valentine's Day.
- What's wrong?
- I'm connecting it.
- Monthly reports?
- They're printing.
And the flowers?
How about we go for coffee?
I heard it hurts so much,
you can't wipe your ass!
Monia, I'm in the middle of
a fire in the whorehouse, later!
Pretty, no red or white ones?
What are you doing?
- I came to see you, Gosia.
- I can see that.
- Straight from Amsterdam.
- Something happened?
Oh, definitely, Gosia...
I love you!
I've always loved you!
- Marry me!
- Istvan! I have a husband!
- He doesn't love you like I do...
- Istvan, you're embarrassing me!
I won't leave until you say "yes"!
Istvan, I work here,
so get up and leave, because I...
Get up!
Good morning.
And this is... minister, sir...
the representative
of Hungarian farmers.
He is asking about
the possibility of co-operation...
- I love you, my dear wife!
- I know.
- I'll love you forever.
- I know.
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
I want to make love...
Stop! You're heavenly!
Water from Liche is heavenly...
Hi, Lucy!
No, she's not here.
Ok, I'll tell her.
Bye bye.
- What is this?
- Flowers.
- They're not chips, what for?
- For your mother.
Are you crazy? Flowers for
my Mom on Valentine's Day?
She's living with us.
You know, I thought...
- It's not polite, is it?
- My flowers out of politeness, too?
Why not buy
the whole street flowers!
- Darling...
- Give her flowers and marry her!
Mother and daughter in one!
It so fucking Roman!
Since you've managed to get
me out of the killer claws, maybe...
- Maybe?
- Can I invite you somewhere?
Somewhere?
For a cream puff...
- or jelly...
- Jelly is made of hoofs.
Ok... I get it...
Vodka.
Take me for a vodka, Edgar!
- Erwin.
- Whatever.
- Korba is over there.
- I'm coming to see you.
To me?
It's for you.
Jesus, what is it?
- A horse's heart...
- But what for?
I thought you wouldn't want mine
so it's the biggest I could find!
I love you!
I always wanted him
to look at this.
I must be crazy!
I have gone crazy for sure!
Come in, honey, come in.
- For you dad on Valentine's Day.
- I'm so happy.
It's such a nice custom this
Valentine's Day...
And look who's come
to visit me!
Hi, sweetie...
You want a cookie?
Mum got me some beautiful flowers.
You smoke at school, Miss ucja?
Well, Klaudiusz Jedynak.
How are you, young lad?
- Visiting the old stomping ground?
- It's not that old.
- Are you studying anything?
- Yes, International Relations.
I won't fire you for smoking!
Artur?
What are you doing here?
- Today is Valentine's Day.
- Is what?
Valentine's Day.
Day of lovers...
After 6 months you tell me
about the day of lovers?
Are you mad?
- No...
- Then how will you explain this?
Simple. It's Valentine's Day...
I'll make some tea,
I need some tea.
Have you been fired?
It's not so easy to be fired
in Brussels. Want some?
Artur!
He left you!
What are you talking about?
He left me.
And were it for some nice guy!
But no! For a nobody!
He left me for a loser!
For some fucking dietician!
You get it?
He left me for a soy cutlet lover!
There, that's peppermint.
Freshly made... Should work.
And there wasn't even
a warning sign beforehand!
That you see something is not ok.
Simply.
A surprise fuckup!
"I'm moving out,
I don't need you anymore!"
He treated me like shit!
Men are bastards, Artur...
I'm sorry.
It's ok.
- Enjoy your meal, honey.
- I'm not hungry.
Don't look at me.
I've never been next
to such a woman.
I didn't know you're a virgin.
I adore you.
I adore it when you make jokes.
- I adore you for everything.
- Great, but my head is killing me
and at such moments
I adore Ioneliness.
You want me to leave now?
I do. My head hurts and
I want to be left alone.
- Don't look at me like that!
- I love you, too.
Too? Anybody else here?
- Don't pretend you don't know.
- This time I don't.
- I love you and you love me too.
- Me?
- That's what you said.
- Maybe in your dream.
Tonight.
- Rubbish!
- No.
"I love you, Erwin!"
- Four times!
- Stop it!
- Ok, I can stop.
- Ok!
It's complete shit!
If it's shit,
then why did you say it?
Because you were pathetic,
I wanted to help you somehow.
It was sincere.
Fuck off, Erwin!
This is sincere, too.
You're scared?
I'm not! I knew from the start
- we were made for each other!
- We?
Back to fucking Mars!
I fucked you to get over it!
To make you stop following me!
That's not true.
Shall we make a bet?
Well, what are you staring at?
I will never be with you, never!
Get it?
Spring, with its arrogant,
sunny energy,
came unnoticed by Korba.
She was sleepy all the time
and spent time at home,
telling herself that anything
was better than Erwin's love.
ucja was so terrified by the affair
with her former student,
she began avoiding him.
In the meantime, Szymek -
who thought only about
playing for Barcelona -
decided that being
an orthopaedist in Warsaw
is also interesting.
Monia's mother finally
moved in with her father,
he was so happy he forgot
about his daughter.
That's what Monia thought.
She started practising
piano again and ignored her husband
who was preparing for the final
conquest of Germania.
Meanwhile, Goka
was feeling better than ever.
Artur moved back to Warsaw
and bought her a car as an apology.
The three months of spring felt
so much like honeymoon,
Goka again believed that
her baby would appear any minute.
First!
Mum, I have to!
Football at night?!
And homework?
- Mum! I'm meeting Wojtek!
- What Wojtek, Szymek?
His mother lets him
play football at night?
- His mother doesn't know!
- Even better!
Women work like horses,
everybody else is running wild.
I don't know about his mother,
but he certainly does.
That's why we play so late!
After he finishes work.
- Finishes what?!
- His job!
- How old is Wojtek?
- I don't know, 50.
Fuck off, you!
You... conductor, you!
Fuck off, or I'll call the police!
Darling, could you make me...
...some tea?
You read my mind.
I try to.
Our tea will get cold.
Know what
I'm thinking about?
About subsidies
for European farmers?
I think a baby
is a really good idea.
Erwin, stop being a faithful dog.
I'll be waiting...
Always, I need you to know.
Ok, I know already.
Now get off me.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- What idyllic scent...
- You're Korba, right?
No.
You are.
My fame is larger than myself,
I see.
Good stuff.
You got this at nursery school?
Ok, little boy,
who are you
and what do you want?
- I'm waiting for you.
- I'm not.
- I want to talk.
- You all say that.
- Really!
- You already are.
- Not here.
- You want to go upstairs?
It's too good for you, boy.
- You don't understand.
- No, you don't.
Older kids aren't resting
with kiddies today.
Bummer!
How can I look at him?
- Want eye drops?
- Forget eye drops!
Jesus, Wojtek isn't paedophile!
He's an orthopaedist!
You're too young
to judge people.
What normal man
hangs out with a kid?
- But you hang out with kids, too.
- I'm a teacher!
Teachers can be perverts as well,
and sleep with students!
Jesus Christ, Szymek,
what are you talking about?
See? You react this way
'cause you're normal! So is Wojtek!
You should apologize to him.
THREE DAYS LATER
Only ambulances are allowed here.
Visitors go there.
I'm an ambulance.
I want my egg howling at sperm
like a wolf howls at the moon!
- Like in space flights!
- Howl at sperm. Yes, yes.
I've tried everything.
Now I need to trust science!
Magorzata,
we will get pregnant.
I will do everything possible.
Yes, yes.
We'll start measuring the size
of the vesicle in 10 days.
Until then,
please have a check-up.
- Howl at sperm... there you go.
- Thank you.
You are stubborn.
- Runs in the family.
- In mine, too.
Do you have a name?
Friends call me Yerba.
Yerba? Funny...
Yerba and Korba
in one house they stood,
Yerba below
and Korba...
Come!
A dying daddy? Is that some
new trick? Any wheelchair?
- He's not in a wheelchair.
- They're very trendy now!
- Pick up chicks with handicaps?!
- Who's picking up chicks?
- Not me!
- Me neither!
Which fucked up Romeo
has been standing outside for days?
- I said I only wanted to talk.
- Oh, and who am I?
Doctor Freud?
I don't like listening about
your dying daddy!
- I have no one else to talk to.
- Yerba, I'm so sorry!
I'm so awfully sorry!
I can't care about
all the world's problems!
I don't know you.
You want to listen about my dad?
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
That's very noble, Your Holiness,
really,
I don't talk about my father
with anybody else, understand?
And after such foreplay I've
lost my appetite so fuck off.
God bless you!
Get lost, you brat!
Or I'll call the police!
You haven't changed the locks
in your door for so many years.
Lost?
Why should I care?
Men who can't raise
children shouldn't have them.
- You're being unfair!
- Me?
I'm thirty-one years old, dad!
- It's been 13 years.
- But you didn't want to see me!
- You left me!
- That's not true!
I quit my job when mum died
to take care of you!
For 2 years! Then you sent me
to a boarding school!
Four years, dad!
Thanks to you I spent the
four years with crazy nuns!
- In one of the best schools!
- How are you so fucking sure?
Shame you didn't ask me!
It wasn't about my school!
Just more time
for the slut and baby!
I wanted to have a life, too!
I wanted to have a normal life!
So did I, dad!
- Are you feeling ok?
- It's a cold...
A bit like... water?
I thought I could sort it out
somehow.
But you didn't.
Fortunately, I did quite well myself
and I really like my life, dad!
Without you!
It's not about me, Karolina.
Jasiek is only eighteen years old...
- He never ran away before.
- I told you it's not my business!
I'm sorry...
I'll go now.
If Jasiek shows up here
by any chance...
- He's your brother.
- No, he's not.
I flooded his flat!
I am really awfully sorry,
awfully sorry!
But ucja!
Don't even mention it.
- I have a different issue.
- Other than the ceiling?
Ceiling? What ceiling?
Whatever...
Your boyfriend asked me.
You have a boyfriend?
- Me? No. But you.
- Me?!
If this is some kind of revenge for
the paedophile thing I'm not amused!
But he was in my flat!
About the toilet! Mister Dywanik...
Mister Dywanik has been out of
my life for some time now, mister!
That's strange. Because
he asked me today... begged...
- to say he's waiting!
- This must be a joke!
Seriously, Mr. Dywanik and
his brother had a serious accident.
On a motorbike.
They are both lying in my ward.
Jesus Christ,
are they going to die?!
No, no, they're out of danger
but the treatment
could last many months...
So it would be better
if you paid him a visit.
Goodbye.
I see it, love, I see...
Your love line shows it clearly...
Your husband loves you
and he'll be simply mad
about you, soon...
Anything to do with my looks?
Yes.
With my breasts?
Yes, love.
Soon your breasts will be huge!
Doctor Wituch?
Kochanowska speaking.
I've decided!
Why are you at my mom's grave?
My father's, too...
Alright, Yerba.
What's going on?
My father is terminally ill.
He hides it but it's getting worse.
- This grave!
- He wants to be next to your mom.
- He loves her more.
- What?!
He keeps a picture of her.
And your picture too.
Jesus, Lucy!
I'm so happy!
I've made chicken soup for you.
To build up your strength...
Brothers together, as always?
Could I have a bit, too?
Jesus, you look beautiful!
Beautiful as ever!
What is this?!
Soup... A Thai recipe.
For real machos.
- I look quite good?
- Like a goddess!
You are the love of my life!
Fucking hell. Help!
There's so much noise here,
- I can't hear anything.
- The red button!
You want to kill me?!
- Help!
- What is going on here, ucja?
Nothing serious, darling.
Just Baej's attack. He can
scream at washing machines.
What do you mean
by "darling"?
I burn when you don't touch me.
Take me! Just now!
ucja, ucja!
I'll be going.
It was nice to see you again.
But...
- Arletka?
- Hi, guys.
Arletka, I'm so happy.
Here, I brought you some soup.
- What do you mean "no"?
- Simply, no! It's not possible...
How come it's not possible?
I said that I've decided!
I can't do the surgery now
because you are pregnant.
Monia, it's me!
Can I borrow your car?
Sure...
- Did something happen?
- No, nothing, hay fever.
I'll be at the office in 10min.
How is my egg today?
- Ten, doctor!
- Ten what?
- 10cm dilated!
- We're starting to give birth.
I think we shouldn't wait
a moment longer.
- So tomorrow?
- Yes. Tomorrow!
The sooner the better!
Sorry, off to the labour ward.
Oh!
- The lift is out of order.
- I've noticed.
- I'll help you.
- Fuck, I was stupid.
Understand, it isn't about you.
You run away
but it's not about me.
- I wrote you a letter.
- Oh, wait, let me guess...
"Dear wife, I don't want to hurt you
but unfortunately he called and..."
Wait!
"You can kiss my ass now, bye...
PS. You're wonderful,
but unfortunately you're..."
Wait!
"...a woman. Yours till today.
Artur."
So, you see I'm touched.
I'm sorry.
You said you wanted to have
a child, you pig.
Oh, supper...
Make it yourselves, you fags!
What happened?!
My lift is out of order!
I was supposed to get pregnant
tomorrow! I feel like dying!
How could he?
That fag!
He is my husband.
- A husband wouldn't do that.
- So where is yours now?
Mum...
Szymek, go out!
This is adult stuff!
- Isn't it too late?
- No, go play football!
- Exercise is important!
- Thanks!
Listen, you're right.
They always cheat, you know.
Whether they're after tits
or dicks doesn't really matter.
But you can do the same.
But I'm not attracted to women.
I'm talking about the child, stupid!
You can have it with anyone.
Until tomorrow?
It will be fucking hard.
Dad!
Look who's come...
- Hello.
- Hello, mister Istvan.
Yes, it's me.
It's ucja speaking,
Goka's friend.
It's a pleasure!
I also feel very sorry about
the death of your husband.
Oh, yes... Thank you.
I'm calling to ask
if you love Goka?
- Of course!
- What about a baby with her?
I haven't thought about
that yet, but...
Well...
He hasn't thought about that yet.
Hello, Istvan. It's Goka.
You have time till tomorrow!
- Yes, tomorrow at my place!
- Where?
Where, in Warsaw!
So bye!
Wait.
Is your lift out of order, too?
What fucking lift?!
I'm pregnant!
Auntie, help!
It's completely insane here!
- Fuck, Szymek, I'm not "auntie"!
- Sorry! It's out of control!
Uncle Artur is gay
and aunt Gosia can't have children!
Aunt Monia wants an abortion!
- Where's your mother?
- She tried to cheer them up.
Get them some painkillers
and I'll think of something, ok?
Ok, aunt... Korba. Ok.
I have to go.
Don't abandon me with this.
I won't let him die.
Take care.
Tomek! Tomek!
- Monia is pregnant!
- What?
Monia is pregnant!
We'll have a daddy.
It's your fault!
My fault? It's you who took
nicotine patches for birth control!
- It's because of your smoking!
- You made me quit.
You said I stink a million times!
Tomek I don't want the baby!
I'm not ready!
You can't change it!
- Yes I can!
- I won't let you!
Oh? Will you tell the police?
Put your own wife in jail?
You fucking Caligula!
Magorzata, bad news.
Should I put off the conception date?
I arranged...
It's not the right time for a baby.
- We have to do a biopsy.
- A biopsy?
At first I thought it was
a fibroid or a cyst.
Now I have doubts.
We have to dispel them.
I had to tell him.
Fuck your "I had to".
You're a cunt.
And a snitch. That's all.
I don't want to see
your face again!
Hi, I see you've been
waiting for me.
Korba?!
You haven't been waiting?
- I waited for a very long time...
- Honey?
Korba? It's nice of you to drop by,
maybe you'd like to come in?
Gosia, I was really surprised!
Of course I want to!
A baby, another baby, a dog,
an alligator, a house...
- Gosia, what's the matter?
- Nothing. Go away.
But... It was supposed
to be today, right?
- Yeah, it's all shit now!
- I don't understand.
You think I do? Go away!
Yeah, fuck off!
Stop nagging me!
- I'm scared, dad.
- Quite unnecessarily!
Everything will be just perfect.
You've lied to yourself
your whole life.
- I never deceived myself.
- And now?
What have you got?
I told you she'd leave!
It was worth it anyway.
That woman ruined your life!
She gave me the most
precious thing I've got.
Oh? I wonder what?
You.
Don't smoke.
Don't smoke in front of your child.
Pregnancy was wonderful.
Tomek gave up the Romans
and followed Monia everywhere.
Her father bloomed
and rejoiced at the thought
of having a grandchild.
Monia realized that she carried
her own key to happiness.
It was also the key
to the happiness of her loved ones.
Wojtek proved to be a wonderful
man and Szymek adored him.
ucja, seeing her son so happy,
fell in love with her neighbour
but decided not to show her feelings,
believing in a less than clever,
yet surprisingly popular saying:
"Whatever will be, will be".
Korba finally understood
what she lost in Erwin.
She didn't give up
and focused on her ill father.
Surprisingly, finding her family
made her feel happier
than she expected.
Goka's fate was being
decided all summer.
There where many moments
of despair
and Ioneliness that Goka
never thought was possible.
Fortunately, after
a long time of doubt,
her tumour turned out
to be benign.
- Stop roaming around!
- I wish I could.
- A Roman's child.
- You shouldn't be here.
- Neither should you.
- I'm serious!
Stay away from hospitals
in your condition.
- The third month is special.
- Stop it, Goka!
- Stop acting like my Tomek.
- If I were pregnant...
- You will be!
- Pregnant!
- They're removing my ovary.
- But one will stay!
- We'll see.
- It will stay!
- I heard the surgeon.
- 70%.
- Exactly!
- Isn't one ovary enough?!
Jumbos fly with one engine
and you can't manage?
How's your dad?
Not bad for someone with
one lung, thanks.
He's fighting,
I'll see him soon.
Send him my regards.
What about Lucy?
Lucy? Lucy...
- She's taking Szymek to a camp.
- A scout camp!
He's a scout?
Doesn't look like one.
It's actually a karate camp.
Wojtek, please...
- ucja, I can't do that!
- I know, but you have to!
- I could get fired.
- You think it's so easy?
I've been trying all year.
Wojtu, will you? Fast,
they are waiting for me outside!
I'll try.
- Are you crazy!
- You have to help me!
- You'll get sacked!
- Quite possible.
And me, too!
Ok. Take it.
I wanted to quit anyway.
Good morning.
What? You're having cramps?
- Marek, something's strange.
- Maybe you've eaten something bad?
Marek, something's going on.
- I'm busy!
- There was a midget with a tube.
Am I not allowed to have
a moment for myself?
Some privacy? A bit?
Finally!
Your iron's broken.
- How are you feeling, dad?
- Not bad, son.
Your blood tests are good!
I knew it!
You're lucky sir.
Your children love you a lot.
So many pyjamas.
For all days of the week.
- I have great children, mister Mzimo.
- And what's that?
- For Sunday?
- Very much, mister Mzimo.
Only ambulances here.
- Actors.
- I've got no info.
Why?! They sent a fax,
so I brought them.
- Sick actors?
- No...
"The Miracle at the Vistula"
is on in the cancer ward.
- Great for patients.
- I'll check.
Pisudski's legionnaires!
- What are you doing here?!
- Me?
- Here's my gynaecologist!
- By the exit to the roof!
It can't be! The roof?
God, I am so absent-minded
with this pregnancy of mine...
- Delta, do you read me?
- Delta, I read you.
Legionnaires are coming
your way... over.
Roger.
What legionnaires?
Pisudski's legionnaires.
Over!
I've waited for ages!
You won't believe what I just saw!
- A midget with a harp?
- Worse. Romans.
So what?
In the EU people get treatment
everywhere. Italians too.
Ancient Romans.
They had helmets with such...
FBI officers arresting
another doctor.
They had swords!
Listen, Baej...
You were to fake insanity.
Got it?! Fake!
But...
Cut this crap
and take me to admissions!
- Feeling unwell?
- No! Arletta broke water!
- For ever?
- My child's being born, you moron!
Since when do you care?
People change, Baej...
Well, come on!
Take this cast, would you!
- But history is being born there!
- Sit and wait!
Or I'll give you
a shot in the ass!
- Maybe we should wait.
- Wait? It's my child!
- I have rights!
- With that leg? Trouble!
Sit and wait, I tell you!
Guys are so stupid!
Honey...
- Did something happen?
- The doctor wants some more tests.
- Now?
- We have to check one thing.
It won't take long.
Can you hear me?
Yes.
Gosia!
Forgive me for this format but...
I still can't look
into your face.
But I want you to know that
I really love you.
And that I suffer because
I can't give you what you deserve.
You are my...
soulmate, you are...
my friend, my shield...
my support...
You are...
everything to me, but...
I can't deceive my nature anymore,
which I have no influence on.
Which chose me...
Gosia...
I love you, Gosia.
I love you and I always will.
I know we both have to
go our own ways.
Especially because there
is someone who
wants to give you much...
much more than I can...
Gosia...
Five, four, three,
two, one, zero!
The twenty-sixth New Year's Eve
party of the Laydees
was their most memorable
in history.
Not because they spent it
on the hospital roof,
with patients,
orchestra and a midget.
Its uniqueness lay
in the absolute certainty that
friendship was a single
soul dwelling in four bodies...
Especially when others join them
with love and devotion.
LAYDEES
Mama!
What?
It's mine!
I don't know, honey. I have
no idea how this could happen...
Tanned.
Now you'll get fired for sure...
It was worth it.
Will you marry me?
- Is this a proposal?
- Yes.
Agreed.
All of Rome is at your feet,
Caesar.
I don't want Rome.
I want you... Both!
Aren't they huge?
What's up?
Don't screw it, sis!
From ucja or from Korba?
It depends. From
internal and orthopaedics,
me and Mzimo - from cancer.
- Nice clothes.
- This is a plate armour!
I am a legate of the Gemina Martia
fourteenth legion.
You'll excuse me.
Caesar is calling.
I didn't know there is,
a mental ward too.
Man, there's everything here!
The best hospital in the city!
They are so pretentious with
that New Year's Eve
in the middle of summer.
It's pathetic.
- I kind of like it.
- Quiet kid when you speak to me!
And bring me some punch!
Where have you been?
You won't believe
what I just saw!
- A midget with a harp?
- Worse. Romans.
So what?
We're in the EU, right?
Everybody can...
My son's born.
Understand?
Fuck me!
It's crazy here.
Text: Jeff Butcher