One video camera...
Beta!
(clanging)
Good evening, my friend.
Welcome.
So nice to see you.
I need money to buy gas,
so I can get out of this place.
Yes, of course.
You will be showing me
what is in the sack?
I can give you a hand.
May I?
Let's just open up here...
Oh, my, my, my!
What is this horrible thing?
It's a good luck charm.
Yes, I can see
it's working very well.
Whatever you do,
don't touch the medallion.
No, I won't.
I am giving you...
- Ten...
- No!
Twenty dollars.
Goodbye.
Come back soon!
Oh, my!
A face only a mother could love.
(crackling)
What a piece of junk!
"Don't touch,"
he says.
Because it might break,
it's so cheap.
Oh, Gupta, by golly!
You're a bloody genius!
You're making
a wonderful deal for $20.
Ahh!
I like Indian food!
So spicy!
- Who are you?
- I'm a leprechaun, me lad,
and you're a greedy thief.
For trying to steal me gold,
I'll be giving you some grief.
Ouch! Ouch!
Have a lie-down, lad?
Nice leather!
I appreciate
a good pair of shoes.
Oh, don't mind if I do!
(screaming)
I think I'll whack you in the head
a dozen times until you're dead.
Take it away!
Take it away!
- You're very afraid of this?
- Stay away, I'm warning you.
I'll tear your eyes out
and I'll rip your face off.
You're a bloody devilish
creature!
You wanted me gold,
and you suffer the consequences.
Now I'll take what's mine,
and be gone from here.
No! You and your gold
belong to Gupta.
(screeching)
Well, you missed us both.
You wanna back up
and try that again?
Sorry.
It's all right,
happens all the time.
Do you know
anything about cars?
'Cause this one
doesn't work.
- Name's Scott.
- Tammy.
Tammy. Great.
What seems
to be the problem?
Obviously, I don't know.
It just... died on me.
Well,
let's take a look.
Ah, see,
someone stole your engine.
Start it up for me,
if you can.
(sputtering and clanking)
So what do you think?
Have you ever
blown a rod before?
I beg your pardon?
The engine, I meant.
See, you got your pistons,
and your rods, and...
You don't wanna
know this, right?
No, actually I don't.
I'll give you 10 bucks
if you give me a ride to work.
Forget it.
You don't have to pay me.
Where do you work?
Chicago.
Huh, yeah, got me.
Chicago.
That's very good.
I would have taken you there, too.
Where is it?
Oh, here it is.
"Legends and Folklore."
Computer: G'day to ya.
The name's O'Reilly,
and I'm here to tell you
about leprechauns.
Legend has it that they were once
magical elves in ancient times...
who became obsessed
with riches and gold.
I'm one shilling short!
Wow! Look at all the lights!
It's unbelievable!
Yeah, it's a quaint little place.
- So where do you work?
- "The Lucky Shamrock."
Oh. What's that?
It's a casino, Scott.
What do you do there?
- I'm a magician.
- Right on!
Actually, right now,
I'm just a magician's assistant,
but one of these days,
I'm gonna have my own act.
I believe you.
One-little, two-little,
three little leprechauns...
four-little, five...
...little, six...
little leprechauns.
This place is unknown,
no one lives here.
Me own savings and loan.
I'll have nothing to fear.
Computer: Remember,
his power lies in his gold,
and he'll use all his magic
to protect it.
Yes, try to protect it
from this.
So is this your first trip
to Vegas?
Yeah. I'm just passing through.
I'm on my way to L.A.
Oh. You gonna be
a movie star?
No, actually,
I'm on my way to school.
My first year of college.
Great!
It's a smart move.
Go to school.
Learn something worthwhile.
I just thought I'd swing through
Vegas, see what it's like.
Take my advice
and don't stay long.
Yeah?
Vegas has a way of
latching on to a person.
You wanna go,
but you can't.
I'll remember that.
Computer: Potatoes are
a leprechaun's favorite meal.
Like all good ol' Irishmen,
he loves his spuds,
but he'll take a bite out of anybody
who threatens to steal his gold.
Woe betide the man who covets
a leprechaun's shillings.
He'll batter and brain them,
he'll mangle...
My, my, my!
Now let us go find
your little brothers and sisters.
In fact,
let us find the entire family.
Computer: If a mortal gets hold
of the leprechaun's gold,
he'll be given one wish for
every shilling in his possession.
He can have anything
he wants in the whole world.
(rattling)
Thanks for the ride.
I really appreciate it.
- Sure.
- Bye.
Hey, I've never been inside
a real casino.
Oh, forget it.
You gotta be 21.
I know, but I thought
you could sneak me in,
so I can see
what it's like inside.
What do you think,
this is like Disneyland?
I could lose
my job for that.
My boss
could lose his license.
And you
will lose your shirt.
Right. I didn't think about that.
I'm sorry.
All right, look.
If I get you into the den of iniquity,
you gotta promise me something.
No gambling.
- Okay.
- Just take a look around,
see what you gotta see,
and beat it.
- I'm out of there.
- All right.
So who do you work for,
magician-wise?
Right now, I'm assisting
The Great Fazio.
- What's a Fazio?
- Well, Scott,
a Fazio is a mediocre magician
who couldn't pull a rabbit
out of a pet store.
But it pays the bills.
Remember now,
no trouble, okay?
In and out.
Okay.
Maybe I could come
see your show,
and we could have dinner
afterwards.
It's a possibility,
if I'm not busy...
who knows?
In you go.
You are mine,
you little bugger.
Ahhh!
Ha, ha, ha!
You missed me!
You missed me!
If you're gonna linger,
I'll give you the finger.
Ahh!
Ahhh!
Stay away from me,
you steaming pile of cannibal dung!
I'm a dangerous man!
Stay away from me!
Computer: I remember when
Paddy McGinty got sick with...
I want me shilling!
Man: Oh, yes, yes!
Man: All right.
Oh!
Thank you, Marissa.
You're terrible.
Seven!
- Whoo!
- All right!
Roll again, Father Bob!
Give me those dice here.
More money, come on.
Ready?
Here she goes.
Look at this!
All right.
What time is it?
It's after 7:00.
Where's Tammy?
I don't know, damn it!
She's got work to do!
Why do you keep her around?
She's not worth a damn.
She's got a way
of filling out a costume.
I could look
just as good, you know.
Why don't you hire me?
or should I say 20 lbs. Ago?
I'm not always gonna look
just like this, pally.
No? You found
the fountain of youth?
I've been saving my pennies,
buddy boy,
and one of these days,
I'll come waltzing in that door...
with everything packed
into all the right places.
You need more
than a boob job, Loretta.
You need
a personality transplant.
Bitch!
Oh, I'm sorry
I'm late, Fazio.
I told you, you will
address me as "Great One."
Off stage and on.
You're a magician,
not the Pope.
I am your teacher.
You will show me respect.
Right.
Loretta.
Mm-hmm.
Throw me that lighter.
Ow!
Are you doing
the magic rings tonight?
Screw the magic rings!
Oh, my God!
I've got something
You're in the box,
I do the standard switch gag,
and then I set fire
to the box!
The audience goes nuts,
thinking you're in there...
being burnt alive.
I'm gonna call it
"The Burning Beauty."
(screaming)
Oh, God!
Man: What the hell
is going on here?
Fazio, is this the fabulous stunt
you wanted me to see?
What are you, nuts?
Only a moron would
try something like this.
You believe this guy?
It'll be great. I'll make sure
she's got protection.
Forget it.
End of discussion.
I'm not taking any chances
with my future headliner.
How you're doing, babe?
You look sensational.
Now, you...
get out there and mix with
the suckers. Do something like...
do some card tricks or something.
Keep them entertained.
Out of the question!
I work the main room!
- I'm a star.
- You're a schmuck.
Now get out there
and earn your pay, Fazio.
That goes for you, too.
Break is over.
Back to work.
So, you need anything,
you know who to come to, right?
Right.
Yeah, you keep playing
hard to get,
but mark my words,
you'll come around.
I guarantee.
I saw that.
Loretta:
Rolling, rolling, rolling!
Where she stops,
nobody knows.
And winner,
winner, winner!
We have a winner!
To the sharp-dressed man!
Thank you.
You'll need a dump truck
to take it all home, Mister.
A rack for you.
Yeah, this is for you.
What a gentleman! Uh-huh!
Everyone's a winner today.
Excuse me, do you know
where I can cash a check?
Are you old enough
to be in here?
Uh... oh! Yes!
You're old enough.
Right over there.
You have a good day.
Hey, Mitch,
how's it hanging?
Hi, fellas!
Listen, not now, okay?
I've got business.
Stay here!
What are you, a 44 regular?
You know, I've got a plaid that'll
make you look 20 lbs. Younger.
What do you want, Art?
What do I want?
I want brown hair.
I want health insurance
for all Americans.
I want the Mets to get
their shit together.
Let's not worry about what I want,
but about what I need.
- I need my money.
- Tomorrow. Tomorrow's good.
I'll stop by your store,
we'll take care of everything.
- Tell him.
- Okay? Excuse me.
Look sharp, be sharp.
No, tell him the other thing,
the threat thing.
Oh...
You pay Arthur the money
you owe him,
or I will kill you.
That's good.
What are you, tough guys?
I got hemorrhoids tougher than you.
Hey!
On the other hand, why don't
we meet a little later...
over by the cashier's cage?
How about 10:00?
It's good for me if it's good for you.
your break?
- 9:30.
- 9:30 to 9:45? Can you make it?
- Sure.
- Okay, 10:00 is good.
- You mind?
- Yeah.
You buy off the rack,
that's what happens.
I could've taken him.
No, no, he couldn't.
You, bigger.
Loretta: Get 'em down,
before the wheel goes 'round.
We're gonna have somebody lucky
before the night is over.
You feelin' lucky?
You feelin' lucky, sugar?
What you gonna do
with all that, huh?
I believe I'll try this one.
Dangerous man, I like it.
And the wheel goes round and round,
no more bets, no more bets.
(creaking)
(belching)
Ah!
There was an old man of Madras
whose balls were made of fine brass,
so, in stormy weather,
they both clanged together,
and sparks flew
out of his ass.
(laughing)
I'm finding this to be a very funny
and poetic leprechaun.
I'm glad you liked it, lad.
Now you left the door open,
so I assumed you wanted to see me.
Yes, I'm wanting
to discuss things with you.
- For instance?
- I want to negotiate.
I am for giving you
this medallion,
which you are terribly,
terribly afraid of,
for half your gold.
Half me gold
for a worthless medallion?!
This is my final offer!
You are taking it or leaving it.
You got a deal, lad.
Now, put it away,
why don't you?
Perhaps I'll do
a little fishing.
I told you a terrible lie,
and now you're going to die.
We got a winner!
I can't...
I can't believe it!
How could this happen to me?
Place your bets, place your bets.
Tough luck, kid.
So, you gonna bet or what?
Get 'em down.
You want me to bet?
I had $23,000.
So? Looks like you got
a couple hundred.
You can get hot.
Get 'em down, get 'em down.
Big spender, big spender.
And the wheel goes round
and round and round, get 'em down.
There you go.
(mild applause)
(music plays)
(music stops)
(tape rewinding)
(music resumes)
(mild applause)
- Where the hell were you?
- I told you,
the trap door
keeps getting stuck.
That's what I get for working at
a dump like this, nothing works.
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
No more bets, no more bets!
Feelin' lucky,
Mr. Big Time Spender?
Here she's dropping...
Oh! Green, double zero!
The house makes out.
Sorry, folks!
What have I done?
I'm ruined, I'm finished.
What, are you kidding me?
You're due, you're gonna make it big.
- Place your bets!
- What?!
Trust me.
Bad streak of luck like that,
no way you're gonna lose.
Get 'em down
before the wheel goes around!
Oh, yeah, trust me.
But I don't have
any more money.
Nice watch there.
Could bring a nice chunk o'change.
My grandpa gave me this watch,
for graduation.
Make him proud.
Make a comeback. Win!
Pawn shop across the street,
tell 'em Loretta sent you.
Get 'em down, get 'em down!
- Ha!
- Ow!
Where's me shilling?
I want me shilling!
Help!
No! No! No!
Tell me where it is,
or by me sainted mother,
I'll strangle you!
This must be the place.
This is your last chance.
I'm warning you.
I want me shilling!
Oh, no!
What was I thinking?
With all this killing,
I've lost me shilling!
Hello!
Anybody here?
Hello?
Oh, my God!
Oh, man!
I thought I had problems.
Operator, listen,
I'm in a pawn shop
across the street from
the Lucky Shamrock Casino.
And I found a dead person.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Yeah.
All right,
I'll wait right here.
Computer: A leprechaun
is very territorial.
He can never tolerate another
leprechaun crossing his boundaries.
One leprechaun
can be aggravating,
but two can be devastating.
With that in mind,
let's review what we've learned
about leprechauns.
Number one,
his power lies in his gold.
Without it, he's just another gnome
full of mischief.
Number two,
each of his gold shillings
will bring a wish come true
to anyone who possesses them.
A wish, huh?
I wish I was back at the casino
on a winning streak.
Aargh!
I've lost him!
He's got me shilling!
He's got me shilling!
What the heck
am I doing here?
There are no other bets,
no other bettors.
Just the house
and the golden boy!
He's riding seven red,
let's see how lucky he gets.
(cheers)
Oh, hell!
The seven red!
We got a winner!
You gonna let that ride,
golden boy?
And the luckiest man in Las Vegas
puts the whole load on 13 black.
nobody else is betting.
Ah! Lovely golden palaces
completely full of riches,
I'll rip them off and rob them blind,
those dirty sons of bitches!
- Yeah!
- Oh, oh, oh! Black 13!
Another winner,
another winner!
This guy's got
a hell of a winning streak.
Winning streak.
I wished for a winning streak!
What the hell is going on here?
Unbelievable! He can't lose!
Two hours ago, he's losing his shirt.
Now, I can't stop him.
You better stop him,
or else.
Any other bettors?
No other bettors!
On the way to being
a millionaire.
Six black.
Here we go!
Come on, baby,
make me a winner!
And it's a...
Whoa!
The hits just keep on coming!
A winner!
I've about had it with you,
Loretta.
I did what you told me.
Something went wrong.
You better get the money back
or something will go wrong.
With you.
You know what I mean?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good.
(laughing)
Golden Nugget.
I'd like one of those.
Loretta: He's a winner again!
Ladies and gentlemen,
due to a slight quivering
in the stem of the wheel,
the situation is thus...
this table is closed,
but it's only temporary.
Come back
in a little while.
- Aw!
- All right?
Thank you very much.
Hey, kid...
congratulations.
You've had some...
some amazing streak of luck.
- I mean, truly amazing.
- Thanks!
I don't know how it happened.
I was losing everything...
and all of a sudden...
Yeah, you see, that's how
it happens sometimes.
Tell me, kid, you...
you staying here at the hotel?
No, actually I'm not.
Oh, well,
let's just change that.
Here you go.
We'd like you to be our guest.
Anything you want, it's on me.
- Okay?
- Wow!
Thanks a lot!
Oh, no problem.
Listen, why don't you just relax,
take a break,
come back in a hour or so,
and see if you can keep
that winning streak going?
- What do you say, kid, huh?
- Yeah!
I can't wait
to get back into it.
Las Vegas is really
turning out to be a great place.
Vegas, the greatest
little town in the world!
I'll see you in a while.
Oh, we'll keep the same
table reserved just for you.
Okay, I'll be here.
That's good.
Jesus!
Schmuck!
Tammy, you won't believe
what happened!
What are you doing here?
You're not supposed to be gambling!
- I won!
- All that?
Scott, you said
you wouldn't gamble!
I know,
but something happened to me,
it's like I've got
the fever or something.
I mean, I was losing my shirt,
and then I went to pawn my watch,
and then
I found a dead guy...
You what?!
At the pawn shop,
but the next thing you know,
I'm back at the casino
winning everything.
Listen to me...
They gave me my own room!
On the house, see?
Scott, just shut up
and listen to me.
I want you to cash in your chips
and go home.
Get in your car
and leave Las Vegas.
No, Tammy, no, listen.
All this happened
because of you.
I wanna share it
with you.
Scott!
Oh, my God!
Are you serious?
Look, I've got a show,
I gotta go.
Just...
all right, cash in the chips
and go to your room
and stay there.
Don't let anybody in!
I cannot stress that enough.
Nobody comes in.
And keep the money
right beside you.
- Okay?
- Okay.
When I'm done with my next show,
I'll come up and we'll talk.
- Okay?
- All right.
I'll be up
as soon as I can.
This is so great,
I can't...
Shh!
Scott!
Shh!
Are you gonna
cash those in?
Oh, yeah.
You've done
well for yourself.
It was a good night.
(cackling)
Nope!
Me shilling!
A lucky sign.
The gold inside
will soon be mine.
(scraping)
Fine suit of clothes, lad!
Well, thank you,
thank you very much.
Those shoes...
do they come in blue suede?
I really like 'em, man.
Well, thank you,
thank you very much.
Hey, man,
you do that pretty good.
Next time, make sure
you get paid for it.
Hey, man,
see you on the flipside.
(laughing)
Vegas!
My kind o' town!
Thank you.
No, thank you.
And now,
using all my magic,
I will summon forth
a member of the animal kingdom.
Bah!
Fazio!
Of course, the casino won't
allow me to use a real bunny.
Oh, my God!
Hello, little one.
What an interesting costume.
Watch this...
Oh, shit!
(laughing)
A little token of my esteem,
it is exactly what it seems.
Made fresh daily
at exactly 9:00
It comes from my shillelagh,
you can keep it in a crock.
(retching)
(laughing)
Fazio!
Just the girl I wanna see.
Not now!
Some little butthead...
What is that smell?
Is that my shoe?
- It was in my hand!
- Oh, my God!
Have you seen that
little tramp that works for me?
Oh, Tammy? Forget her.
Focus on that punk at the elevator.
What about him?
He just won over a hundred
thou with the roulette wheel.
You're kidding! How did you
let him win that much?
Something went wrong.
He still got it on him.
Cash and carry.
- In cash?
- He's got this gold coin I want.
Really?
I figured we split
the green,
I get the gold coin.
You know, good luck charm.
What's his room number?
Room service?
(cackling)
Like taking candy from a baby!
- Go and throw me a winner!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- Oh, I never lose!
- Hey, Tony, look what we got here.
- A high roller.
- Move!
Nice duds.
What is that, lederhosen?
- Take a break, pal.
- Hey, crappier,
you give me them dice,
I'm feeling lucky!
But I'm not through
winning, lad!
Get outta here...
Aaargh!
Looks like a slot machine!
You wanna try your luck?
This is my kind of place,
crooked and sleazy,
stealing gold from humans
is awfully easy.
Look out, Vegas!
I'm taking over!
Money, money,
money, money...
Oh, it's good!
Money is good!
Money...
That's silk.
I'll keep that.
Hey!
What are you doing
in my room?
Oof!
Ow!
Room service!
What the hell?
Now, me boyo,
I smell me shilling.
Tell me where it is
or there'll be another killing.
What the hell are you?!
I'm a leprechaun,
come to claim me gold.
Aah!
Aaah!
Aaah!
God!
Yeah, give me hotel security.
Yeah, I'd like to report
a leprechaun in your hotel.
No, a leprechaun.
Yeah, a little green guy.
He tried to kill me!
Hello?
The coin.
The bastard took my coin!
Next time,
I'll take the elevator!
Oh!
(moaning)
I have been looking
all over hell for you.
- You got the coin?
- Yes, I got the coin.
I didn't find any money.
- Gimme!
- Forget it!
We're splitting it 50/50.
We made a deal,
that coin belongs to me.
I didn't get the money,
so now we're splitting it.
I'm not gonna sell it,
you putz!
It's got powers!
What kind of powers?
Put it on the table,
you won't believe this.
It's amazing!
Come on!
I can't,
it's magically disappeared.
- Put it on the table!
- All right. What number?
Oh, just any one!
Any one!
I don't get it.
Get what?
Are you losing your mind?
It moves!
It moves to the winning number!
- By itself!
- Oh, I see!
It moves to the winning number
by itself, which means that...
you're nuts!
I gotta go do my show.
Find a coin dealer,
get it appraised
and we will sell it.
I swear,
on my mother's grave,
it has magic.
Loretta, darling,
if you want magic,
bend over. I'll pull a rabbit
out of your ass.
Do what I tell you.
I'll see you tonight.
Fazio!
I know you've got work
to do backstage.
I'm gone.
He's gone.
- Did you get my money back yet?
- I'm working on it.
- What's that?
- That's mine!
That looks like gold to me.
Give me it.
- Give me it!
- It's my personal property!
I'm gonna keep this until
you get my money back for me.
That's my personal property.
I want it back!
Keep your voice down.
One thing I can't stand
is a fat broad with a big mouth.
Who's calling fat fat,
Mr. Porker?
(grunting)
- Really!
- Yeah, really.
You couldn't get a woman
if your life depended on it.
I could have
any broad that I wanted.
Like that bubblehead
little bimbo, Miss Tammy?
Yeah, I could have
Tammy if I wanted her.
Oh, you wish!
Yeah...
I wish!
What was that?
Oh!
Ah!
If wishes were horses, a fat man
like you couldn't get in the saddle.
Mitch!
Tammy, what's the matter?
- I want you.
- You do?
I want you more than any man
I've ever known in my life.
Have you got a fever?
Oh, right now, Mitch!
Take me!
Take me right here!
On the floor!
Oh! Oh!
Yes!
"Fatso," huh?
Look, whatever it is,
don't change a thing.
You just stay like this.
Oh, yes!
Come on,
let's go to my room.
Mandatory drug testing
for all employees, that's it.
- Mitchy, Mitchy...
- We're going right to my room.
- Oh, it's time, Mitchy.
- Oh, I'm ready!
- I can get really nasty!
- You can?
- Yeah!
- Then you just do it.
- Come on, baby!
- Yeah!
Wait a minute.
That's what he said.
"I wish."
Oh, Mitchy,
where have you been all my life?
I've been right here, baby,
waiting for you.
(laughing)
Gimme a kiss!
Oh, Mitchy!
I like my loving...
the same way
I like my men...
- tough.
- Tough?
And hard, like this.
Whoa!
Ooh, that's wonderful!
I wanna make you feel it,
like this.
Oh!
Ooh!
You're turning me on!
I think I got the idea.
Let me do it for you.
Oh, Mitchy! Yeah!
Oh, I love it! Ooh!
Now, can we...
can we do it?
My boxers
keep crawling up my butt.
I hate that.
I go with jockeys now.
It kinda makes me feel
like a sissy.
Yeah.
You can't hang,
like you really want to...
- How do you want it hanging?
- Loose. I wanna be comfortable.
- I like the support.
- Oh, yeah? Feels good.
- How's my tie look?
- Fine. Good.
My socks are hanging
down my ankles.
I wear those ones that come
over the calves, like tubers.
I'd get those garters,
but they make me feel like a sissy.
Where the hell is that guy?
Enough with the pain.
Okay, no more pain.
Oh, sweetie, mama's
gonna make you feel so good!
Oh, well, good is good,
pain is...
What tasteful decor!
Mitchy, it's like a museum.
Let's do it...
- Let's do it!
- Oh, Mitchy!
- This is good.
- Down, boy.
Now, first...
- First what?
- I'm gonna make you hot.
- Yes, I like that.
- And then...
- What?
- I'm gonna make you burn.
Burn?
(music plays)
Oh, boy!
That...
that's very nice!
Oh, that's nice,
that's good! Yes!
Mitch: Do it! Do it...
Yes!
You got real talent.
Whoo-whee... yes!
Have I got a wish for you!
- Mitch?
- Come and get me, baby!
What did you do to me?
How did you get me here?
- Hey, wait!
- How did I get here?
It's me, remember?
The love machine! Come on!
Get away from me!
You letch!
Oh-hh! You bitch!
You ballbreaking tease!
You're fired
as of tonight!
You're finished
in show business!
You'll never get a job
in this town again.
Belongs to me,
this gold I smell.
Whoever's got it
is going to hell.
Ah, potatoes!
(sobbing)
I was gonna
make her a star.
All she had to do
was cooperate.
What the hell
is going on?
What channel is this?
What do you need her for, Mitch,
when you can have me?
She called me Mitch?
Take a look at these,
Mitch...
Huh! Coincidence.
I like this!
Here you go!
Baked potato, broiled potato,
french fries,
potato skins, potato salad
and six potato pancakes.
Anything else?
There once was a lady
of Totten
whose taste grew perverted
and rotten.
She cared not for steaks,
or for pastries and cakes
but lived upon
penis au gratin.
Metallica!
No, wait!
White Zombie.
I've got the album.
Enjoy your spuds!
What the hell
did I just say?
I'm coming for you, Mitch!
I must be dreaming.
I'm coming!
- Come on, baby!
- I can't wait to reach you.
Well, come and get me!
Oh!
- I must be dreaming.
- No.
- I'm not dreaming?
- No.
- Ah, this is nice, this is good.
- Oh, Mitch!
What can I do for you?
Where did you come from?
- What's the difference?
- I'll show you...
Hey, you want my heatseeking
moisture missile, don't you?
What a lovely treat
for a fine lad like meself!
What's wrong with me?
Why am I talking like that?
- Hey, rich kid!
- Loretta!
Eating up
all your winnings already!
Where's Tammy?
Have you seen her?
Ha! She's up in Mitch's office
getting her clock cleaned.
What?!
- Life's a bitch, ain't it?
- Where's Mitch's office?
Third floor, room 318.
Elevator left, then a right.
Bon appetit!
That's the freak
that broke into my room!
Oh, yeah, baby!
Feeling sick?
Stubbed your toe?
Call this lawyer.
I'll fix your woe.
Agony is my business.
I'll fight for you!
Even you, Mitch!
Oh, excuse me...
You... did you hear
my name mentioned?
- No.
- Oh, good!
- Tammy! Are you all right?
- Stay away from me!
What happened?
What's wrong?
Nothing happened.
Nothing's wrong.
Just business as usual.
What did he do to you?
Tell me what he did!
It's what he tried
to do, okay?
It's not like this is the first time
this has happened to me.
It's just that this time,
along with everything else,
I got fired.
So let's just forget it.
No. I'm not gonna forget it.
And neither are you.
If we let him get away with it,
he'll do it again to somebody else.
And I don't know
about you,
but I'm not gonna
let that happen.
Praise the Lord!
And send in your money!
Otherwise, you're all doomed
to hellfire and damnation
for fornicating
with the devil's harlot.
Especially you, Mitch!
You're a prime offender!
- That just sounded like my name!
- No.
- No?
- No.
The signs point to
a tragedy about to happen.
Casino owner dies...
in a bed of lies.
Whoa!
- That was my name, right?
- Yes!
Oh, shit.
What the hell
is happening here?
No, no!
Get off of me!
Oh!
Where the hell is that asshole?
Come on!
A dream,
this is a bad dream!
You'll get what's due
when I electrocute you!
Scott...
thank you.
- Mitch...
- Sir?
My God!
Oh, Scott!
Where's me shilling?
You again?
Now, me boyo,
it's time to cut you
down to size.
Who are you?
Let's get out of here!
Mitch, I want my money,
and I want my money now.
What the hell's
going on here?
You're in
a lot of trouble.
- Out of me way!
- Hey! Stay there.
I know you, you're that guy
from the craps table.
You know, you really should see
a dermatologist or something,
that's really bad.
Beauty is in the eye
of the beholder.
Ahhh!
That really hurt!
We dance.
Tell me, what was
Judy Garland really like?
(grunting)
They should have been willing
to give me me shilling.
But I've done well
by sending them to hell!
(laughter)
What are we gonna do?
He's a monster!
Nobody's gonna believe us
if we tell them what we've seen!
Oh!
Scott, what's wrong?
I don't know...
My insides...
It's like everything's
twisted up.
Oh, my God!
What is it?
What's wrong?
Your face!
I'm in trouble, Tammy.
Help me!
Scott,
we gotta get out of here.
Like you said...
who's gonna believe us?
I don't know...
That's where
it all happened.
- Where?
- At the pawn shop across the street.
That's where I found the coin.
I think that's where the answer is.
Let's go check it out.
(sniffing)
Huh! I smell me shilling...
and the gentle fragrance
of a lady's perfume.
Let it work,
let it work, let it work!
Let me be beautiful.
Give me the body
of a stacked 20 year-old.
Please...
I wanna be sexy...
and beautiful again.
I wish.
Men: Yeah!
(knocking)
Enter!
Loretta?
That's right, sweetheart!
Little ol' me.
Didn't I tell you one of these days
I was gonna turn it around?
But how?
Magic.
All I had to do...
was wish for it.
Pretty! Yours?
Man, oh, man,
oh Manischevitz!
Look at those tits!
I wish I was a man so I could just
screw myself right on the floor.
And I dare you
to feel that ass, Fazio.
That's prime.
All you had to do
was wish for it?
You got it!
- Thanks!
- You! Give that back to me!
Give it back!
Give it back right now!
Thanks for the loan, Loretta.
I owe you.
You flaming faggot!
But since there's a mirror
in the room,
I might as well
stick around...
and enjoy it!
All right,
this had better work!
I wish...
I wish...
that I was the greatest magician
in the world!
I am just so damn
gorgeous!
They're gonna want me like
they never wanted anybody before.
And I'm gonna
make 'em pay.
Who the hell are you?
I'm a leprechaun, me lass,
and I'm gonna make you pay!
What do you want?
Your boobs are big,
your butt is small,
but still you're in
for quite a fall!
What are you talking about?
Oh, what,
didn't you hear?
Bigger is good,
but jumbo is dear.
I'll give you boobs
that come out to here.
(laughter)
My babies!
What are you doing
to my babies?
Those delightful lips,
they'll get you some tips.
But what about these?
Aren't they big enough to please?
No! What are you doing?
(screaming)
Oh, a delightful little slut!
But what about your butt?
(screaming)
You little monster!
Oh, my God!
(cackling)
Feels like rain!
Now that was quite a load
to have to explode!
What a lovely lass!
I had to blow up your ass!
But now
I must hit the road.
That's where I found
the poor guy lying.
And you think
the leprechaun did it?
Who else?
Now, there was something
on the computer...
about gold coins and wishes...
Computer: Finding the
leprechaun's gold is hard to do.
He sometimes keeps it in his hat,
or hides it in the loo.
That's a big help.
If you destroy his gold,
you destroy the leprechaun,
but mortals can never
resist the power of gold.
To them, being rich
is more important...
than doing
what needs to be done.
No way!
We find that gold,
we're getting rid of it!
Oh, no!
How can you say that, darling?
What?
I didn't say that.
Did I?
Oh!
What's wrong?
- Get it out of sight!
- What is it?
Get it out!
Okay.
Is that better?
Yeah.
I'm okay, l...
I feel so weird...
Scott, I think we should
just get in your car
and get out of here.
While we still can.
I can't.
You need to see a doctor.
Not yet.
There's something here,
something I need
or want very badly.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe you should go.
No way.
I'm not leaving you, Scott.
Wow.
Look at all this stuff.
Yeah, it's like
a junkyard in here.
Tammy: Spooky!
What exactly
are we looking for?
I'm not sure.
Some clue
as to what happened to me.
(sniffing)
Wait here, darlin'.
I think I'm onto somethin'.
I can smell it!
Delicious!
Oh! Isn't it lovely?
A pot of gold for the taking.
(gasping)
- Scott, you found it!
- Aye, that I did!
We can destroy it.
Remember
what the computer said?
If we destroy the gold, we get rid
of the leprechaun once and for all.
Destroy it?
Yeah! We have to.
No, lass.
We need to study it.
We need to look at
what jingles and jangles.
For science, you know,
is the study of angles.
Scott!
What is happening?
Nothing.
Nothing, my beauty,
nothing at all.
I'm just being sensible.
No, you're not!
Don't take
a leprechaun's gold!
Not if you want to live
to be ripe and old.
- You're hurting me!
- Am I?
Wow!
What happened?
I don't know, but don't
let it happen again,
because you're scaring
me to death.
If anyone's
scared to death...
then let it be me
doing the scaring.
What?
I don't like
what I'm seeing.
Two leprechauns
is one too many, lad.
Scott! The gold!
The gold! Make a wish!
Wish him dead!
All right, little monster!
I wish you were encased in cement
at the bottom of the ocean!
Oh, no, please!
Anything but that!
You silly little twit!
Have you forgotten
the charm?
A leprechaun's gold
can do him no harm!
Scott!
Oh!
So,
for pulling this trick,
I'll chop off your dick!
Leprechaun:
Oh, me little darling!
Oh!
- Come on!
- Nice pitch!
I pitch for
the Vegas All Stars.
Oh, me aching noggin!
When I catch up with those two
I'll give them a good scragging.
Oh!
Oh, no, Scott!
Is it starting again?
Yeah.
My insides...
I feel like
I'm being torn apart.
Oh, no!
Scott, we're going
to the hospital now!
Get in!
You can run, me boyo,
but you can't hide!
Scott!
- What happened?
- He bit me.
At the casino.
Miss! Miss!
Jesus Christ!
- Can we get some help here?
- What's the trouble here?
What the hell is this?
Get me a gurney.
Get this man into isolation, stat!
Come on!
- Just wait here.
- No, I wanna be with him.
Nobody's gonna be with him
until we know what the problem is.
God!
Man: Get out of the road!
Oh!
(panting)
Doctor: Looks like some kind
of virulent fungus.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Hmm... must be metastasizing
down the right quadrant,
moving into
the lower thoracic area.
Let's get this man
on antibiotics right away!
(grunting)
Hold him,
for God's sake!
Take it easy, son.
We're here to help.
Man: Give him a sedative,
damn it!
Now listen to me!
This may mean the difference
between living and dying.
Do you have health insurance?
Do you take Green Cross?
Good God!
Forktus glottis!
What the hell
is taking them so long?
Leprechaun: Tammy Larson,
please report to the morgue.
Oh, no!
Tammy Larson,
please report to the morgue.
(monitors beeping)
Doctor, look at this!
- This is blood?
- What the hell is going on?
Bring me
his encephalogram.
Really?
Where's his EKG?
If this is some sort of joke,
I don't find it at all amusing.
Well, maybe he doesn't
need health insurance.
Wow! Should I order
a few more tests, doctor?
Let's see, uh...
He can afford an MRI, and
let's give him a couple more EKGs,
- and he can use a spinal tap.
- Maybe a bone scan?
Let's start with every test
beginning with the letter A,
tomorrow the B's,
- and Thursday...
- You play golf on Thursday.
Well, this is an emergency.
Hello?
Hello?
Is anybody here?
Hello?
Hello? Sir?
Excuse me?
Sir?
Excuse me, sir...
(screaming)
Oh, God! No!
Let me go,
you son of a bitch!
Now, that's no way to speak about
me mother, bless her greedy soul.
(monitor beeping)
Now, me boyos,
I'll be checking out!
Take care
of the patient!
Ah, an angel of mercy!
Nurse!
Take this patient!
Now that's what I call
managed health care.
(sniffing)
What's that I smell?
Would it be
me brother from hell?
Right.
Now that you're in place,
I'll slice up your face.
Oh, no!
Scott!
Scott, help me!
Please!
Now don't be afraid,
lass.
I'll only remove
the front part.
No, please!
I want me shilling!
I don't have it.
I swear, I don't have it.
What a pity.
What? I don't suppose
you want that nose...
There will be no charge
for removing it.
No! No! No!
Cut her nose and
I'll hack off your toes!
Back off,
you renegade,
before I make you
eat that blade!
Power to power,
you've much to learn,
taller or shorter,
I'll make you burn.
Whoa!
Now where's me shilling?
Fazio's the one
with your shilling!
It's him
you should be killing!
Fazio's magic,
pathetic and lame,
will soon turn tragic
and me shilling I'll claim!
Leave him alone.
You've got what you want.
No, me dear,
you shall not pass.
I'll raise me boot
and kick your...
Aaah!
Put it away!
Ladies and gentlemen,
The Burning Beauty!
A new illusion
I have just developed!
Now, for the first time
on any stage,
our lovely volunteer
from the audience...
trapped inside
a burning hell...
Will she come out alive?
Or medium well?
(laughter)
Scott: He's going after
the shilling.
Fazio has it.
I've got to destroy him
to save meself.
Is that possible?
Will that work?
I feel it.
I'm part of whatever he is.
Well, maybe we won't
have to destroy him.
If we can find the shilling,
we can wish you back to normal.
Listen to me.
I don't want you
going in with me.
When we get to the casino,
drop me off.
I want you to get out of there.
Go someplace safe.
No!
We started
this together.
We're gonna
finish it that way.
And now,
a word of warning.
If any of you in the audience
are the least bit squeamish,
I suggest
you leave the theatre.
Fazio's illusions
are very, very...
real!
(laughter)
- Who the hell are you?
- No reason for alarm.
Give me the coin
and you'll come to no harm.
It'd be a cold day in hell
before I give up this coin,
so take a hike
before I call security?
You're making a mistake.
As a magician,
you're a pathetic fake.
(groaning)
Scott, hang on!
We're almost there!
Hang on!
(cheers and applause)
Get me out of this thing.
Get me out!
A pleasure it'll be
to get you out, and set you free...
with this!
With Fazio the Great
we had a good laugh.
Shall I start up this saw
and cut him in half?
Yeah or nay?
Audience: Yes, yes, yes!
No!
No, no!
My audience, no!
No, you love me!
You love me, no!
I can't hear you!
(motor buzzing)
Oh, no!
Now, me boyo,
where's me shilling?
You're bluffing!
There's a whole room
full of witnesses.
Oh, too bad!
Forcing me
to split in two
a nice young lad
such as you.
(motor starts)
I wish I was in
Caesar's Palace right now!
No, lad.
You've had your wish.
Now I'll have mine.
Aahh!
This way!
(screaming)
Caesar's Palace...
(groaning)
Listen to me, everybody!
This man's a maniac.
For your own safety,
get out of the room!
Come on, everybody out,
hurry!
Aaah!
Hurry, hurry!
Oh, God!
Scott!
The shilling!
I wish Scott was...
No wish for you,
darling.
Now I'll peel you
like a grape.
Hold it!
Now wait, lad.
What are you doing?
We're brothers.
I don't think so.
Scott...
come over to the green side.
I'll make you rich.
There it is,
yours for the taking.
You'll share nothing!
I know how you are,
you're only bluffing.
Trust me, lad,
one devilish creature
to another.
Ah! That's me boy.
We're alike,
me and you.
Evil as hell,
all the way through.
No, Scott!
He's not like you!
Don't listen to him.
She's right!
I'm not like you.
I'll never be like you!
Put it down, lad,
you can't hurt me.
You should know that by now.
Think of the gold, Scott,
the power it can give you.
The gold, Scott.
His power lies in the gold.
We'll share it, I promise.
Share this, pal!
Aaargh!
No, me gold!
Aaargh!
(groaning)
Scott... Scott!
Oh, my God!
You're back!
You're normal again.
Oh, I can't believe it!
I can't wait to get out of here
and leave this nightmare behind.
Well, we won't be
leaving it all behind.
What do you mean?
I found this.
What do you think?
We can have just about
anything we want.
It's your call.
I don't know...
I think I have
everything I want.
You know something,
sweetheart?
This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.