LEPRECHAUN 4
In Space
Hey, Lucky,
got a cigarette?
No, Mooch,
I don't have any cigarettes.
Why don't you ask me
for a breath mint sometime?
What's that supposed to mean?
Hey!
Hey, Sticks,
give me a cigarette.
Cool.
Could I have one for later?
All right, cool.
Can I have a match?
Mooch, leave me alone.
Get yourself adopted or something.
Shit.
Delores, give me a couple
of eggs over easy.
Thank you baby.
Yeah.
Who's hungry?
Martinez...
Whoa, Martinez,
baby, baby!
- Wake up.
- Yes, sir.
Drop one of them, you'll end up
looking like Swiss cheese.
Give me a break.
You never dropped anything?
Atten... hut!
All right.
Listen up.
We are orbiting the planet
of Ithacon.
In a few minutes,
we will board the shuttlecraft
and proceed to
target area Delta.
Our mission is search
and destroy.
I repeat,
search and destroy.
We've been chasing this alien
son of a bitch long enough.
In the past six months,
he has disrupted
the galactic mining operation to
the tune of a half billion dollars.
Word's come down from above.
Kill the bastard!
Now, what is our motto?
Semper fi. Do or die.
Kill, kill, kill.
I can't hear you!
Semper fi. Do or die.
Kill, kill, kill.
Good, good!
What the hell are you
doing here, lady?
You're in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
This is for
authorized personnel only.
I'm looking for
Sergeant Hooker.
You found him. I'm busy.
What the fuck do you want?
- I'm Dr. Reeves.
- Great! Dr. Reeves is here.
- I've been assigned to your group.
- What the hell for?
I'm to collect samples
of any alien life forms
and report them back
to Dr. Mittenhand.
Bullshit!
Bullshit!
- Sticks!
- Sir! Yes, sir!
Give me Dr. Mittenhand, now!
- At ease!
- Computer...
Get your lazy butt online.
We need to speak to the boss.
What is it?
Sergeant Hooker here, sir,
in the Armory.
We got a female
of the species,
says she's assigned to
our search and destroy mission.
Correct.
Dr. Reeves is the ship's
biological officer
and my personal assistant.
You will see to it that she
is protected at all times.
With all due respect sir,
we can't be babysitting...
You have your orders, Sergeant.
I suggest you follow them.
- Books!
- Sir! Yes, sir!
Get this little girl...
ready for combat.
From now on,
she's your responsibility.
Sir! Yes, sir!
Let's mount up!
Is this really necessary?
If you want to stay alive,
it is.
Do you mind?
Excuse me, excuse me.
Gentle, gentle.
The problem my friend
is having,
he's never had to put clothes
on a woman before.
As you were, Sticks.
Ughh! Having fun?
Damn! Who's driving?
Ray Charles?
Sorry.
You all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine.
Uh, better strap yourself in.
Good evening.
An angel's voice sends pleasure
to every part of my being.
Your shrieks, my dear,
provide a perfect accompaniment
to this romantic evening.
Dinner for two.
Don't be afraid, me dear.
I'm love's own messenger
sent to bring you
tidings of joy
and the promise
of newborn ecstasy.
Take a seat.
A little of the bubbly to put us
on more friendly terms.
Listen up.
We're going in.
Bow heads!
Lord, be with us as we hunt down
this ungodly son of a bitch.
And give us the strength to kill
anything in our path
and may all our wounds
be flesh wounds only.
Amen.
I feel real safe now.
Don't you?
Can I ask you something?
What happened to
the sergeant's head?
Happened in the last war.
The sergeant went down
in a shuttle over Crilanium.
Took out half his skull.
He still managed to carry
a wounded Marine
on his back 15 miles
before he reached our lines.
Wow...
Did he live?
The guy he carried
on his back?
Oh, yeah, he lived.
If you call this living.
Ooh!
To the most beautiful woman
in the universe,
Princess Zarina,
my future wife.
Your wife?
Your wife!
How dare you?
Do you know who I am?
I am the daughter of a king.
And you will one day
be a queen.
And it is your royal blood, madame,
that will make me a king.
What? You, a king?
Laugh if you like, me darling,
but I'll have me way.
I'm a man amongst men,
and it's tired I am
of being treated like a dog.
From now on, the rest
of this miserable universe
will bow and scrape
before me.
And if they don't...
off with their heads!
Ha, ha, ha!
A real vacation spot.
I've seen worse.
Ever been to Detroit?
Have you ever been
in combat before?
Yeah, lots of times.
Aren't you ever frightened?
Are you kidding?
I'm scared now.
So is everybody else.
It comes with the job.
Hey...
We fight better
when we're a bit goosed.
Know what I mean?
Yeah.
I think so.
I'll never marry you!
Never!
I'd rather die first.
Would you rather be dead,
or would you rather be rich?
Excuse me?
Your father, the king,
hasn't a penny to his name.
He's a stupid old fool
who gave everything he had
to his loyal subjects
leaving his family with nothing.
He was being noble.
He was being a fool.
I'll make you rich beyond
your wildest dreams.
Oh, really?
Yes, really.
They're beautiful!
There's plenty more
where that came from.
You begin to interest me.
Vaguely.
Lucky, you're up.
I'm getting a reading.
Check it out.
You were meant to be a queen,
and with me by your side
you'll have the richest kingdom
in the universe.
I'll cover you with jewels from
the far corners of the galaxy.
I deserve it, you know?
For all I've suffered.
Being a princess
and having nothing to wear...
People treating me as though
I were common...
You'll have everything
you've ever wanted.
Gold is power.
Gold is power.
Power, power...
Power.
Aaahh!
Visitors.
My father!
He's found me.
If he has,
will you go with him?
The king is dead.
Long live the king.
Oh, yes.
- Nice work, Lucky.
- Sorry, Sarge.
Now the whole planet
knows we're here.
Check out that passageway.
The rest of you,
stay alert!
Aaaahh!
Lucky! Go!
Move, move!
No!
You stay with Cupcake.
Cupcake?
Stay here and don't move!
Sarge!
I'm gonna
take this bastard out!
Get down!
Let's move out!
Let's do it!
Let's do it!
Go, go, go!
- Nice toss, Kowalski.
- Grand slam.
Good job, men.
She's alive.
We need some help. We need to
get her to the shuttle.
Danny, get over here.
I'm doing my best,
but this doesn't look good.
Books,
give us a hand here.
Here.
- Shit, man
- What are you doing?
I can reattach this.
Stop playing around.
Shit.
Kowalski, Sticks!
Start packing this up.
Wait a minute, Sarge.
It was my kill.
I get to add the final touch.
Pure Rocky Mountain
spring water.
Death from above.
Let it rain!
Oh, shit!
Way to go, KO.
I'd give you a round of applause,
but I see you already got the clap.
That's not funny.
This is Eagle One to base.
Mission accomplished.
Target has been destroyed.
We got one killed and we're
bringing back a casualty.
Humanoid female.
Origin unknown.
Estimated time of arrival...
- Harold...
- I'm busy.
Harold, come look at this.
What?
- You know what this is?
- Educate me.
It's from the planet Dominia.
It signifies royal birth.
This is quite
an opportunity.
For what?
If we can save her, it will mean
better relations with the Dominians.
I want a complete work up
on her bodily fluids,
organ delineation charts
and let's run an encephalogram.
Run it through the main computer
so Dr. Mittenhand can look it over.
Excuse me?
I don't work for you.
Just do it. We'll fight about
who's in charge later.
You heard the lady, Harold.
Move your ass.
Hey...
don't touch me unless
you mean it...
...cowboy.
Don't ever do that again.
Do what?
I was trying to help.
I understand, but that's not
the help I need.
What was your name?
Sergeant Malloy.
Friends call me "Books. "
Well, Sergeant Malloy,
I have a lot of work to do,
so if you don't mind, why don't
you return to your little unit
and do whatever you people do
when you're not killing something?
Strip.
I beg your pardon.
I got to take your body armor.
The entertainment lounge
is now open for refreshments.
Please drink in moderation
and have a wonderful evening.
Wow!
High grade material.
The cave is riddled
with gold.
Hurry up, dickhead!
Get this secured
so that I can go get drunk.
Handy little gadget. What do you
do when you want to unload it?
Not bad.
It was invented by
Dr. Mittenhand.
He's a real genius.
Yes, Harold.
Thank you for that
heartfelt testimonial.
I have informed
Galactic Enterprises of our find.
Our instructions are
to orbit the planet
until a mining crew and
the appropriate equipment arrive.
Once the mining procedure
has begun
we can return home.
Sergeant, your men
will act as security
until we are relieved.
Any questions?
Yeah, I got a question.
Our contracts expire
at midnight tonight.
I am sure a bonus of some kind
can be arranged.
We signed on for 30 days.
Legally, we are free agents
as of midnight tonight.
No one leaves this ship
unless I so say...
...say so.
Is that clear, Sergeant?
Is that clear?
With all due respect, sir...
Thank you for understanding.
Carry on.
I wouldn't argue with
Dr. Mittenhand.
Ever.
Let's go someplace...
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
They're gonna see us leaving.
They're not gonna know.
They're all drunk.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Where are you kids going?
Can I give you a ride?
KO, I spoke with the medic.
He said everything's fine...
as long as you use
your protective glove when you pee.
- What?
- It's a joke.
Yeah, it better be.
That's about the size of it!
Here's to nasty sex,
- and women who never say no.
- Yeah!
Here's to Lucky,
the Marine who gave
his life today.
To Lucky.
- In here.
- Okay.
What is this?
Let me take off
your belt.
Oh, baby.
Shake hands with the Big Guy.
Take it easy.
You don't want to hurt Mr. Snake.
What is it?
What's wrong?
Ouch! Not so rough!
You want to take it home with you?
I haven't done anything yet.
Ouch!
What's wrong?
- What?
- God!
What did I do?
Aaah! God!
What the hell's
going on in there?
Kowalski, my God!
What is it?
Let that be a lesson
to you, lad.
Always wear a prophylactic.
Bernie...
Hold it right there,
pilgrim.
I'm not gonna hurt ya.
No, I'm not gonna hurt ya.
The hell I'm not!
Come on, this is
getting boring.
I think there's someone
in the house.
Get it while
the gettin's good.
- I'm gonna get a refill.
- Get me one, too.
Bring me back a sandwich.
Oh, and a pack of cigarettes.
- I'll catch you later.
- He ain't coming back for a while.
He ain't coming back
for a while.
Small though I am,
mighty is my spirit
when bloody battle calls.
Come at me
with what you will,
shoot me, stab me,
kill me a hundred ways
and still I fight on.
I am eternal as the sun.
I am a thousand demons
from hell.
Death and destruction
are my game.
Agony is my name!
Ha, ha!
So how's the casualty?
She's resting comfortably,
more or less.
We won't be able
to save her hand.
Too much arterial damage.
That's tough.
- So you're a doctor, right?
- A biologist.
A doctor of biology.
That must mean you're
pretty smart, then.
Smart's a relative term.
Relative to what?
Relative to the level
of intelligence you're referring to.
What are the criteria for
determining a person's intelligence?
Uhh...
That means, what standards
do you use? Prerequisites.
I know what "criteria" means, Doc,
and what a "prerequisite" is.
See, Doc, just because
I wear this uniform
doesn't mean they've surgically
removed my brain.
Well, I didn't mean...
Anyway...
the point is that
I was just thinking that...
I'd kind of like to
get to know you better.
But since you obviously think
of me as a Neanderthal...
- Why are you so defensive?
- I am not defensive.
I'll shoot anyone who says
I'm defensive.
Okay, what the hell.
You know what? Why don't we
forget that I was here?
Come back when you're
feeling better.
I feel a lot better
than I look.
I'll bet you do.
I get the impression that
you don't like me.
Don't bother to deny it.
You really don't like me, do you?
First dates are always the hardest.
Oooh!
Damn, 21 st century
and they still can't dance.
They're getting better.
I was about to call
the medics.
Nothing wrong with being a Marine,
is there, Sticks?
Hell no.
Semper fi, do or die.
It's all
I ever wanted to be.
You made it, so be happy.
I am happy...
till somebody like her
comes around.
- You don't like her now?
- No, I do.
That's the problem.
- Wait, come again?
- Come on, think about it.
We're not exactly
made for each other.
A PhD. And
a high school diploma?
Conversations might tend
to be one-sided.
It depends on
what you're talking about.
That's the problem.
I might not know
what we're talking about.
It's alive!
Hello.
Oh... look at those knees.
Yes!
Impossible!
No, Harold...
it is not impossible.
Her tissues
have regenerated.
I wasn't really...
Yes, Harold,
I know what you were doing.
You are a naughty,
naughty boy.
She is...
amazing, is she not?
Yes, sir.
We have work to do.
Do you know what I could do
with her DNA?
Do you, Harold?
No.
You'll tell no one what
you've seen here, understand?
No one.
No one?
But this is a great
discovery!
Yes.
But for now...
It will be our secret.
- Take this.
- I don't believe in guns.
You need more
than a PhD., Doc.
For your information, Sergeant,
I have a black belt in karate.
Huh.
I needed a merit badge
when I was in the Scouts.
Scouts, huh?
Should have told me earlier.
I would have taken the day off.
It'll take more than penicillin
to fix that shit.
Shut up, Danny!
Knock it off!
Knock it off!
We got to find it before
it does any more damage.
All right,
let's check this place out.
You can't go in there.
That's the waste disposal chamber.
We can go anywhere
we want, lady.
We're Marines.
It's filled with
flesh-eating bacteria.
Mooch, you're up.
Hey, wait a minute.
What do you mean,
flesh-eating bacteria?
That's how they dispose
of the organic waste.
He's got to wear
protective clothing.
I can go with him
and show him what to do.
Sergeant, we can't let her
go in there.
I'm the only one who knows how
to run the equipment.
She goes.
I gave you an order.
She goes as far as
the air lock.
Mooch and I go in.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Let's go.
This is the decontamination
chamber.
You'll kill any bacteria
in the air lock.
I'll let you out into
the main chamber from here.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I got it.
- Don't want it, but I got it.
- A walk in the park, right?
- Yeah.
- All right.
Okay, Mooch,
you go that way.
Keep in touch, huh?
Hey, Mooch,
are you all right?
Yeah, I'm just doing great.
Let's head back now.
Nope.
- Oh shoot!
- What's the matter, man?
- My God!
- Talk to me, talk to me.
Books... Books!
I'm all right.
Walked into a shitstorm.
Looks like lubricant.
Probably runoff
from the hydraulic system.
Jesus!
God damn!
Books,
I don't think he's here, man.
Yeah,
I guess you're right.
Let's make our way back.
We've wasted enough time already.
Amen.
Mooch, where are you?
What's happening? Mooch!
Oh, Jesus!
Books!
Books,
what's happening?
I got you.
You'll be okay.
Hang in there, big guy.
Give me the princess and
I'll spare your miserable lives.
Come out,
you little bastard!
Open the door
for decontamination.
Books, are you all right?
It's Mooch.
Oh, my God.
Hey!
I'm sorry.
Do you have an appointment?
Listen,
you pencil-necked geek!
You give me the doctor... now,
before I knock out your teeth
and shit down your throat!
Thank you,
I've already had my lunch.
Funny.
Dr. Mittenhand...
something wants
to talk to you.
Gentlemen, ladies.
I've been expecting you.
I have been tracking
your activities.
I understand that
the creature we are after
has offered to spare us
any more difficulty
if we simply give him the beautiful
princess now resting in my lab.
Yes, sir.
Since we've lost three men already,
it might be a good idea.
I don't agree,
Sergeant.
The princes is part of
a very important
scientific experiment.
If that means killing that creature
out there, so be it.
Those are my orders.
Harold, show them out.
Dismissed!
Sit your ass down,
Harold.
Sir, with all due respect,
we're not going anywhere.
You refuse to obey me?
I'm not gonna risk
the lives of my men
so you can fart around
with test tubes and formulas.
I say we give her up and we can
all get out of here in one piece.
You dare to defy me?!
In a couple of hours
our contract's up!
When that clock strikes
midnight,
we're climbing
in our shuttle
and we're headed
for home.
I think not, Sergeant.
Let's get out of here!
No one leaves this ship
without my permission.
No one!
Yeah, right!
- Holy shit.
- Oh, my God.
Dr. Mittenhand,
you look much taller...
in person.
Thank you, Harold.
I'll do the jokes.
So, I am not what
you expected.
No matter.
Don't look quite so horrified,
Doctor.
I'm still the seductively brilliant
and powerful man I was before.
Rather like
the Wizard of Oz,
I always think,
running things from behind
a curtain.
The only difference,
gentlemen,
is that this wizard
is not a fake!
In spite of my appearance,
I'm quite capable
of running this ship
and everything on it.
Make no mistake.
I am in command!
You will do as I say.
We have a contract, Sergeant,
do we not?
Yes.
Your time is up,
it is true.
But subparagraph four
states I have the power
to extend your contract
in the event of an emergency.
And that is what
I'm going to do!
If you disobey my orders...
and refuse to carry them out,
you will be tried for mutiny
and I promise you,
you will be shot!
Lf, on the other hand,
you follow my orders,
and manage to kill
this creature,
I will arrange
a very generous bonus
for each of you.
How much?
Say one hundred times
what you're being paid now.
- Sounds good to me.
- I'm in.
You can count me in.
But I'm not doing it for the money.
I'm doing this for Kowalski.
Books?
I'm a Marine, Sarge.
You want me to stay,
I'll stay.
Anybody who stays
becomes a shareholder...
of everything you make
on this deal.
And we want 5%
of the gross...
of everything you bring
out of that cave.
Anything over 50 million,
we get another point
as a bonus.
Two and a half percent
of the mineral rights.
That's net, not gross.
No bonus.
Four percent.
No deal without the bonus.
- Three percent with the bonus.
- Done!
I'll have the papers
drawn up.
One more thing.
If I lose any more of my troop,
your ass is grass!
If you've even got an ass!
Let's go!
Call me if you need me.
Sticks...
- you and Danny take the sub-levels.
- Yes, sir.
- Books...
- Sir?
You and Cupcake take the engine room
and everything around it.
- Delores...
- Sarge?
You're with me.
Stay close. Stay in touch,
and use your locators
to track that alien.
Move out!
Good lads,
stouthearted and brave.
Seems almost a pity
to kill them.
But the path to power is often
soiled with innocent blood
and I will let nothing
stop me from becoming a king.
I'll have power and glory...
and a beautiful queen
to share it with.
"Share. "
There's a word that lies
crooked upon me.
The very sound of it sets
my teeth to grate.
Conjures up pictures of me gold
being carted off
to pay for feminine
pleasures,
leaving me with less than
what I want.
And what I want is everything.
I'll wed her,
bed her, and bury her,
all in the same day.
Ha ha!
I wonder if her father will pay
for the wedding and the funeral.
- What's wrong?
- It ain't working.
Shit!
- Sarge, you there?
- Yeah.
Our locator isn't working,
so if anybody spots him...
All right.
- Ready?
- Listen close, man.
- Let's sit this one out.
- Say what?
We find a nice, safe place to
hold up till they catch the bastard.
We collect our bonus
and go home.
Why risk our lives for that maniac,
Dr. Mittenhand?
Did you get a look
at that guy?
He ain't hardly human.
This isn't about him.
It's about us sticking
together and doing our job.
I ain't taking any chances,
you understand?
Move your ass, Danny.
You wait here.
I'll check out the next level.
I'll go first.
I'm ready to proceed, Doctor.
I've got a sample of her blood.
Ahem...
Gentle.
Sorry.
I am brilliant!
- Hey, Sarge?
- Yeah?
You don't think Kowalski's
gettin' killed was my fault, do you?
What do you mean?
I mean, I'm the one
who gave him a boner.
Forget about it. Kowalski
would have wanted it that way.
He was a Marine.
Come to think of it,
when it's my time to go...
I hope I'm standing tall
like he was.
Really?
Lordy, Mr. Daniels,
it sure be dark in here.
Laugh it up, wise guy.
Won't be so funny when that bastard
shoves a laser up your ass.
A laser up my ass?
Come on, feets, don't fail me now!
Come on, Mr. Daniels.
Dick.
Got him.
Sarge?
Yeah.
- He's here.
- Where are you?
Engine room.
Everyone copy that?
Sticks? Danny?
Getting nothing.
No static, nothing.
It's because we're in a deep,
dark hole.
Let's get outta here.
Sticks?
Hang in there, Books.
We're on our way.
We're going after him,
aren't we?
Not "we. "
Me.
You're going back.
I'm waiting for the others.
Damn it! I am part of this operation.
I have a job to do!
Part of my job is making sure
that nothing happens to you.
I'm not going back.
- Listen, Doc, you don't...
- Tina.
- What?
- My name is Tina.
Listen, Tina,
you're in the way here.
You can't shoot a gun.
You're not trained for combat.
You'll get us both killed.
I can assure you I am quite
capable of taking care of myself.
Okay, fine, we'll both go.
You go first.
- You go first.
- God!
You're busted, lad.
Give me back the princess,
or I'll barbecue your buns
to a crisp.
Get out of here.
Go!
- What about you?
- Never mind me. Get outta here!
How do you like it?
Medium or well done?
I'm not leaving you here!
Get outta here!
Hot stuff, coming up!
Go!
Get on the hoist.
Let's go.
- You on?
- Uh-huh.
Going up.
Clever, lad.
But I'll roast you yet.
This barbecue's only
just begun.
Are you all right?
You saved my life.
Part of the job.
You can put me down, now.
You're really good
with that rifle.
Maybe I could...
teach you
how to use it some time.
I don't think that
I'm the killer type.
Right time, right place...
we're all killers.
- Hey, Sarge.
- You get him?
He got away.
Where's Danny and Sticks?
I don't know.
I gave the order to converge.
Must be on their way.
Sarge, you read me?
Books?
Anybody?
Damn it. I told you we should
have never come down here.
Will you relax, Danny!
Cheap-ass equipment.
Nothing works.
Gotta be an exit
coming up soon.
What the hell was that?
Hello?
Anybody here?
I think we found him.
I'm outta here.
Danny,
get your ass back here.
Danny!
Shit.
Danny, open the door.
My light went out.
That's an order.
Hello, Danny boy.
Let's talk about safety
in the workplace.
Oops!
Be very careful when handling
sharp instruments.
And watch out
for naked flames.
As Shakespeare said,
"Shit happens. "
"Oh, Danny boy, the pipes,
the pipes are playing... "
What's the matter, lad?
Don't like me singing?
Listen to me.
I got no fight with you.
You want that alien broad?
Take her.
Hell, I don't care.
You understand?
I just want to live.
Of course you do.
But I'm not after you, lad.
- You're not?
- No.
As a matter of fact,
I could use your help.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Maybe we could
be partners.
That'd be okay with me.
But, uh, I don't know if
I could trust you, lad.
Nah, you could trust me.
Let's talk it over,
face to face.
Sure. Why not?
Where are you?
Over here.
Behind these pipes.
I'll be right there.
Where are you,
Danny boy?
Right here.
Aaahh!
Smashing.
Simply smashing.
Harold,
prepare the DNA.
I have computed the formula.
May I say
what an honor it is...
to be working with
such a great genius?
May I say how much I loathe
and despise toadies like you?
Thank you.
May I say what an honor
it is to be despised
by such a magnificent mind?
- Oh, shut up.
- I'd love to. Thank you.
Harold, I wonder
if your tiny brain
could even begin to comprehend
how important this is to me.
For years I have dreamt
of the opportunity
to rejoin the human race.
Did you know that I was once
considered quite dashing?
Really?
Of course.
And then...
the experiment.
- The experiment?
- Yes.
I would have been
the first computer
with an organic structure.
Something went wrong.
No, Harold, it all went
according to plan.
Moron! Look at me!
But now, with her DNA...
I shall recreate Mittenhand.
I shall rise like a phoenix
from the ashes
and stand triumphant
before the world.
I shall be beautiful!
Cool.
Delores, you're up.
Clear.
Shit!
Books,
what's going on?
Books, open it!
Access denied.
Get it open!
Get her, Books!
Try it again, Delores.
- Won't work.
- Access denied.
- It's the wiring.
- Hurry up!
Come on.
Access denied.
Couldn't your friends
make it, lass?
What's going on?
Too bad.
Take this,
you son of a bitch.
Sarge! I got him!
- Yeah, way to go, Delores!
- Great shot, Delores!
All right.
One for the good guys.
Aaahhh!
Shit. Open up.
Get it open, Books.
You like hanging around, eh?
But there's no future
in that.
Hang in there, Marine!
How about a little game
me mother taught me?
This little piggy
went to market.
This little piggy
stayed at home.
Hang on, Delores.
Come on, man!
This little piggy
had bread and butter.
Open it up!
And this little piggy went...
"Wee, wee, wee,"
all the way home!
Got it! Go!
Come on!
Delores!
Let's go!
Delores.
Tina, she's gone.
Kill him.
You heard her...
Let's get
that son of a bitch.
It's ready.
Finally!
Ahh, the delicate scent
of my own true love.
Harold, see who's
at the door.
Let me in, please.
They tore off all my clothes.
Let me in
before they come back.
? Dr. Reeves?
Just open the door.
Hurry.
Okay, hang on.
I have to disable
the security system.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
You saved my life.
Aughh!
Hold that for me,
will you, lad?
Make way for the king.
Now where's
me future queen?
You, lad.
Where is she?
You are the monster?
You?!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I really don't want to be rude...
but I had no idea.
How very tall you are.
How wonderfully amusing!
You find me laughable?
Only slightly, dear boy,
only slightly.
And I suppose now
you'll want to kill me.
Which part is it
that still lives?
Is it the arm, or the bald thing
in the middle?
Touch.
Yes, very good!
But do not
let my appearance
fool you.
I was about to say
the same thing.
Perhaps we could come...
to an arrangement.
It appears to me that
we have a lot in common.
You are a monster,
and in my own charming way,
so am I.
I am greedy,
and you are insatiable.
Two peas in a pod,
don't you think?
You ought to know that
what I want, you can't give me.
I want a throne.
I want to be king.
I want people groveling
at me feet.
I want respect.
Respect is nothing!
Fear is what makes
the universe go round, my friend.
Fear is what you want.
Unfortunately...
you won't live
long enough
to frighten anyone
ever again.
Harold.
Aaaahh!
Thanks for returning it, lad.
Now, me boyo,
it's time you were punished.
I got him. He's in the lab.
Let's go!
Aaaahh!
She loves me.
Oh, it's you.
I had a dream that
he was draining my blood.
Destroy him.
Yes, of course.
But I have something wonderful
in store for him, my lovely.
DNA.
"All things bright
and beautiful,
All creatures great and small... "
A little added spice.
Dinner is served.
Now, let's see if we can't get this
through your thick skull.
...Doctor.
You like it, lad?
It's from an old family recipe.
Someone's coming.
Good.
Don't shoot at any
of the hostages.
Let them go
or you're dead meat!
Take a bite out of this.
Come on!
Ouch!
It's burning!
This way, dear.
Books, help her out!
Move out!
Oh, God...
Dr. Mittenhand.
All right,
I'm taking him out.
No! You'll kill the hostage.
It's them or us.
I want him as bad as you,
but we can't kill innocent people.
She's a member of
the Domininan royal family.
I don't give a damn
if she's the Queen of Soul.
That bastard killed Delores,
and I'm taking him out!
- No you're not!
- Sticks, at ease!
Cupcake's right.
We can't hurt the hostage.
Books, you're up.
Cover me.
What is the meaning
of this intrusion?
Lady, are you all right?
Kneel before me, swine.
I am the future Queen of Dominia.
Where is he?
That is none of your business,
you impertinent moron.
You really are beginning
to annoy me. Not a wise idea.
I'm right here, laddies.
Hold your fire,
hold your fire.
Bullshit!
Blow his brains out!
Can't do that, Sarge.
He's got the detonator.
Right you are, lad.
If you want to stay in one piece,
keep your distance.
The princess and I will take
our hostage elsewhere.
Your Highness.
You may find this cruel, but your
behavior leaves me no choice.
This is your fate.
You have no one to blame
but yourselves.
Unspeakable pain awaits you.
Yeah? Well, hurt me first.
Look upon them and know
that you are forever doomed,
for I am she
who is all-powerful.
I am Zarina,
Queen of the Damned.
I leave you now...
to ponder the remainder
of your pathetic existence.
Come. We go.
Atten-hut!
Yes, sir!
- I can't hear you!
- Sir! Yes, sir!
About face!
Forward march!
That girl sure knows how
to get your attention.
Don't get too excited, boys.
On Dominia, when a woman of royal
blood shows you her breasts...
it's a death sentence.
What part of her anatomy
is she gonna kill me with?
What the hell...?
Come on, Tina.
Hup... Right!
Hup... Right...
We will return to Dominia
in triumph.
You will sweep my father
from his throne,
- and we shall rule the world.
- Yes, my queen.
But first...
...you must execute
these peasants.
Have them boiled in oil.
Or, perhaps we shall enjoy
seeing them eaten
by the wild dogs of Naytron.
Leave it to me,
my lovely.
They shall pay dearly
for their insolence.
Sir! Yes, sir!
"I know a girl
who lives on the hill.
She don't do it,
but her sister will. "
Sir! Yes, sir!
Right shoulder... arms!
Now, me boyo,
we'll show them what kind of man
you really are.
Come on... you little freak.
Where are you at?
"He was standing on the corner
of 31 st and Main,
I was feelin' kinda flirty... "
Sarge?
"... then I knocked him
off his feet... "
This should be a darlin'
floor show. Don't you think?
Sarge, it's me.
It's Books.
Love of my life,
why are we wasting time here?
Someone could be collecting
your gold.
Me gold?
Whoa... Sarge.
Where is it?
Someplace called...
"Cargo Bay. "
Delightful little fellow.
I shall give him
a splendid funeral.
Sarge, this is a plan, right?
You look very nice.
But tell me,
where's the alien?
Sarge... Sarge!
It's me. Knock it off.
What is your malfunction, Sticks?
Oh... I can't go on
like this.
Attention.
Nunchucks.
- Books, I'm gonna take him out.
- Sticks, no!
- He saved my life.
- He's gonna kill us.
I can walk!
All right. That's it.
I think we've been
very patient with you, Sergeant.
Now it's time to
get serious... "Cupcake. "
Due to interference,
my experiment has gone awry.
I am becoming a mutant,
my brain slowly losing
human perspective.
I am no longer Mittenhand.
I am now... Mitten-spider.
Damn. Nice moves.
Thank you. If you'd like,
I could give you a lesson.
Uh-oh...
Kill!
Kill, kill, kill, kill!
This is far too violent.
Shut up, you pussy!
I've had such a headache.
You're a Marine.
Snap out of it!
I can't.
Kill!
No, don't shoot
We can handle it.
Why are you stopping?
I don't want them
following me to me gold.
They'll have to be destroyed.
All of them.
Well, it's about time.
Do it. Do it.
Bitch.
Twerp.
Come on!
Come on, you bastard! Come on.
He wasn't even human.
Cyborg.
Human or not,
he was a Marine.
The best.
Now... off with their heads!
Attention... attention,
all ship's personnel.
The ship's auto-destruct
has been activated.
You have 20 minutes
to abandon ship.
What the hell?
We gotta get to the shuttle.
Come on.
You know, my father may not
want to give up the throne.
No problem.
I'll kill him.
How dare you?
He's my father. I'll kill him.
No! You can't!
My work!
Flies...
I need flies.
Everything will be lost.
I have to remember the code.
Bring me flies.
No! I must save the ship.
My work!
Ah the shuttlecraft.
Fully loaded instrument panel,
and real Corinthian leather.
What are you doing,
you fool?
We need that thing
to escape.
Yes, my queen. But first,
we must find me gold.
The force field is to make sure
no on leaves without us.
You ballbusting bitch.
What did you say?
Rich... you'll be rich
when we find me gold.
Help me, so we can get
out of here.
Locked and bolted.
- Access denied.
- Shit!
Is there another way in?
- What about the ventilation system?
- We're running out of time.
Somebody's gotta neutralize
that auto-destruct program.
- Sticks, you're up.
- Talk to me.
Dr. Mittenhand had a codebook
for the computer.
I saw Harold with it once.
It has a red cover.
I'll find it.
Look...
if there's any reason
I can't crack it...
- you guys take off without me.
- No.
We all go together,
or nobody goes at all.
Right.
Attention... destruction
of this vessel...
is in 15 minutes.
This is not a drill.
I know it's here.
I can smell it.
We don't have time for this.
We have to get out of here.
I won't leave without me gold.
You want to go?
Then go,
I won't stop you.
But I can't fly the shuttle.
What a pity.
Then you're stuck, aren't you?
You're not the only
wealthy suitor I've had.
I could marry someone else.
With a face like that?
I doubt it, my love.
What are you talking about?
I could have anyone I want.
I'm beautiful.
Not quite, my love.
You got a tiny
little blemish,
right about...
there.
What the hell?
All right.
All right, Sticks.
Here you go.
Do your thing, baby.
Come on, now.
Be a hero.
Red cover.
What the fuck happened to you?
What's he done
to the shuttle?
I don't know.
It's a force field of some kind.
Touch it, and we fry.
All personnel, proceed
to Cargo Bay 1...
Let's find that little bastard,
and see if we can't cut a deal.
Me gold!
If we don't leave now, we're doomed.
Do you hear me?
What have they done
to me gold?
This is it?
We've spent all this time
searching for pebbles?
They've shrunk it
down to nothing.
You're a stupid,
ugly little fool!
"Ugly," am I?
Have you looked
in a mirror lately, darlin'?
Do you know what you
look like, my sweet?
What are you talking about?
I know what I look like.
I'm perfect.
I'm breathtaking...
I'm...
Oh, shut your cakehole,
you oozing great zit!
You're fuckin' with
the wrong one now, baby.
All right, here we go.
One step at a time.
I'll have it all back
the way it was,
me beautiful
shining gold.
Hold it!
You again?
You don't know
when to give up.
Attention...
you now have 11 minutes...
Do you hear that?
You can keep
your stinking gold,
and take that bimbo
from hell with you.
Just show us how to neutralize
the damn auto-destruct mechanism.
I'll neutralize something for you.
"Password"?
What damn password?
Books, Tina,
can you hear me? Come in.
Books, Tina?
Sticks, nice of you to call.
Look, I'm kinda hung up
right now.
What?
The computer needs a password.
I can't stop it without a password.
Tina, we've got to get up there.
He needs a password.
Maybe we can help him
figure it out.
Somebody's got
to take him out first.
- Cover me.
- Tina, no!
Tina!
What did you do?
I don't know.
What did you shoot him with?
Steroids?
Okay...
We're going to split up.
Take this, go through that
ventilation shaft, and help Sticks.
I'm huge!
I'm magnificent!
- Go... go.
- Okay.
All right!
Big is good.
Hey!
You want some of this?
Ah... "G. I. Squirt. "
Oh... the pain!
Oops.
Oof!
Total destruction of this vessel
will occur in 7 minutes.
You should be on board
the shuttlecraft... now.
Come on, guys!
Hurry up! I need help!
Hurry up!
Stop all that lovey-dovey shit
and come on!
Look, guys...
hurry up! Hurry up!
I need a password.
I can't stop it without a password.
Books! Tina!
So... where are you,
short ass?
When I find you...
I'm going to peel you
like a grape.
Attention...
Five minutes until detonation.
You haven't got long, shorty.
Sticks?
Tina, get out of here.
Go back!
There's a big, ugly
motherfucking spider! Go back!
What's happening?
Look out, Tina!
Feed me!
I'll get you.
Feed me!
Get the fuck away from me!
Sticks!
Throw me your rifle!
That damned spider
took my weapon!
There's some liquid nitrogen
over here in the corner!
Hit him with that!
Come on!
Get back! Get back!
Get him!
Take that, you bastard!
Yeah! Yeah!
Now, I'll get you.
Get him!
Help me...
I'm sorry.
Help me...
- Are you okay?
- I had a bad dream.
We gotta get out of here.
Okay? Can you walk?
Carry me?
Attention... you have three minutes
to abandon ship.
- Come on
- Right.
- Do these belong to you?
- Shut up!
Guards, spank this one,
and bring him to my chambers.
...talking about,
"Feed me, feed me. "
Do I look like
a fly to you?
Books? What is it?
Open the outer door
to Cargo Bay 2.
Books, are you sure?
Do it now!
On the left.
Guess who?
Now I'll get you.
My hero...
Great.
The king is dead.
Long live the queen.
Let's figure this out...
We can do this.
We can do this...
Password...
- Try "Scientist. "
- "Scientist. "
Attention... you have 60 seconds
to avoid detonation.
It's gotta be here.
I don't know, I don't know.
I can't think.
Thirty seconds
before detonation.
Books! Yeah, right on!
- Books!
- So...
- how are we doing over here?
- Not too good.
- I can't get it.
- You can get it.
- It's not working!
- Okay, think... think.
Relax. Think.
I don't know shit!
When we first saw him,
what did he say?
He was an egomaniac,
who thought he was a genius.
Right!
- No.
- Shit!
"A brilliant scientist. "
- Wizard!
Five... four...
three... two...
One... detona...
Detonation
has been cancelled.
Yes!
Have a nice day.
Yes!
Damn!
I guess I don't get none.
Check it out.
Somebody went all to pieces
out there, huh?
Completely fell apart,
didn't he?
Same to you, pal.
Way to go.
Way to work.
- Now, you're a Marine.
- Thanks.
[CL]Shub-Niggurath
Via del Mar, Chile