[Man narrating] Centuries ago,
during the dawn of the red moon,
our peaceful hamlet
was terrorised by a beast...
... born not of man, but spewed forth
- from the fieriest pits of Hades...
- [women grunting]
... with an evil fuelled by
a hatred of men and a love of women.
Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
No one could defeat her, save one man:
A baron away for decades
fighting in the Crusades.
Upon his return, the baron found
that Carmilla's desires
had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
and turned her into a lover
of the vagine.
No!
Consumed with vengeance,
the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla
and flee the village.
He unearthed the sacred
Books of Nekros,
where he discovered
the only way of slaying
this unholy harpy, once and for all,
was to forge a sacred sword,
a weapon blessed with
an ancient Babylonian hex...
...and infused with his own blood.
- [Groans]
[Man] Without fear,
he confronted Carmilla.
[Cries out]
But before the baron
could strike the fatal blow,
Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
As you strike me down,
so you shall release evil
within me into your daughters
and your daughters' daughters,
and they shall not rest
until your bloodline's ended.
They will know your breed
by these marks above your heart.
And when the life's blood
of the last of your line
mixes with that of a virgin girl,
I shall rise again, more powerful
than you will ever imagine.
[Man] And with that,
he lopped her fucking head off.
Henceforth,
every woman in our village,
upon her 18th birthday,
is turned by the curse
and reborn a lesbian vampire.
Our only salvation is a prophecy
that foretells of the day
when the last descendent
of the baron's bloodline
shall return to this hamlet and vanquish
Carmilla's curse forever.
That time... has begun.
- I'm not happy, Jimmy.
- Why? What did I do wrong?
Things are different now
to how they used to be.
I just don't love you anymore.
No, I love you.
- I'm just not in love with you.
- [Neighbours crying out in passion]
- You know I'll always love you.
- You say that every time you dump me.
I don't dump you, Jimmy.
I just take time out
to re-evaluate the parameters
of our relationship.
That's what makes us so strong together.
If we're that strong together,
why are you dumping me... again?
I'm not dumping you. I just think
we're stronger together apart.
That doesn't make
grammatical sense, so...
Feel it with your heart,
and know what I'm saying is true.
- So... you are dumping me?
- No.
But, also in a sense, yes.
- [Neighbour woman] Yes!
- Shit.
I'm not happy, Fletch.
[Fletch] I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
Your best just isn't good enough.
- What more do you want me to do?
- I don't know.
- This has to be the end of the line.
- What?
- What did I do wrong?
- You punched him in the face.
You know what I get like when people
mess with my shit. He had it coming.
He was seven.
You're a children's clown.
Old enough to know
not to go messing with my shit.
Fletch, you punched a child.
He was spraying me
with my own seltzer bottle.
- What was I supposed to do?
- Not hit him.
Then he shouldn't be spraying
my ball sac. It was only a tap.
- You gave him a bloody nose!
- I look like I pissed myself!
Christ, Fletch. I don't know
why you do these things.
I guess I just don't like kids.
I keep telling you,
they're a pre-requisite of the job.
I know. A slight problem.
Maybe I could just be
a clown for adults.
- You're fired.
- Do I get to keep the costume?
No. Drop your costume at the desk
on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.
- Do I get this week's money?
- Goodbye, Fletch.
- [ VV Brown: Crying Blood]
- I'm cryin' blood
I'm cryin blood
I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
that I can't deny
And I'm fallin' like a comet
from the sky
I'm cryin blood
I'm cryin blood
I'm cryin' tears from my eyes
that I can't deny
And I'm fallin like a comet
from the broken sky
Oh, how you
Oh, how you need me
Desperately
Desperately need me
Wish you could...
I've come up with a plan
for getting her back.
What, like revenge?
No, getting her back, not
"getting her back" getting her back.
Getting her back.
Number one: Take her on holiday.
Stop there.
That's just fucking stupid.
- The two of us, on our own...
- On your own?
Like when you went to Falaraki
and she dumped you and banged that
water ski instructor
with highlights and necklace?
She didn't dump me.
She told me she was just... confused.
Not that confused she couldn't
figure out where to put his cock.
- That's my bird you're talking about.
- No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.
Look, you need to get away
from all this shit.
Let us have a wacky adventure,
you and me.
I'm not gonna bum you, but I think
you could use a distraction.
Say what you like, but you cannot
deny I am incredibly distracting.
- Some might say annoying.
- And that... [sniffs]
I don't know.
Where do you suggest we go?
[Whispers] lbiza. [blows]
The sun, the sea, the sand,
clubs and fanny.
Lots and lots of fanny.
Loads and loads of fanny.
A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
and if there's a few stragglers
who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
I can't. I'm skint.
What? I thought
you had loads saved up.
Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
Oh, my God! Why don't you just get
"total twat" tattooed on your forehead?
Can't you see what that witch
has done to our lives?
Relied on that money for my holiday.
Our holiday, I mean.
- How much have you got?
- Um...
Uh, well...
Tricky, because
I've sort of been sacked.
- You hit another girl?
- It was a boy.
I don't want to talk about it.
So what we're essentially saying is that
neither of us can afford to go anywhere.
- Pretty much.
- Brilliant.
Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
- I've finally done it!
- Done what?
Get the "champers" on ice.
I'm all yours, honey.
- Oh, bloody hell.
- I've left him for good this time,
- so you and me can have fun.
- [Zipper unzips]
- [Giggles]
- You've done what?
Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm his girlfriend.
- Really? I'm his wife.
- [Gasps]
[Exhales] Right.
- Dave, get back here!
- In my defence,
- I never meant for you to find out.
- [Slapping sound]
- I got a plan.
- Does it involve girls?
- It's cheap.
- Yeah. Does it involve girls?
Let's... go... hiking.
That... is one of the most
depressingly shitty
ideas for a holiday
I've ever heard in my life, ever.
- It's a great idea.
- You're a penis!
Wherever it lands on the map,
we go there.
Leave it to the hands of fate.
- What do you say?
- No.
- It'll be brilliant.
- It will be shit.
Let the dart show us the way.
All right, then. Fuck it.
I'm only agreeing because
I'm feeling for you right now,
and because
I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
I never heard of it.
How do you say it? Crag...
Cragwi... Cragwich?
It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
Christ, you're a tit!
[Inhales, exhales] Get that?
- Country air. Nothing like it.
- [Cow mooing]
Smells like normal air
with cow shit in it.
Exactly. Nothing like the
pervading stench of faeces
to take your mind off your troubles.
[Birds cawing]
Have you brought anything besides beer?
You're expecting a
water bomb fight or something?
[Flies buzzing]
[Cell phone buzzing]
- Hello?
- [Judy] Jimmy, it's me.
- Judy?
- Yes! Look, Jimmy.
I've been thinking, and I realise
I've made a terrible mistake.
I want to come back, Jimmy.
I... love you.
- What?
- I love you!
- Hello?
- [Judy speaking indistinctly]
I can't hear... Hello?
- [Mouthing words]
- Judy?
I'll drive to meet you.
We can talk, the two of us.
We can work everything out.
When I get there,
you can wear my panties.
- Why'd you do that?
- We are here to hike.
But... I can't fucking believe
you just done that!
OK, maybe I did overreact
a bit, and I'm sorry.
I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
Jim!
[Panting] Hold up a minute.
[Coughing, groaning]
[Flatulence, coughs]
Can't we take a little rest?
I'm getting a stitch.
We've only been walking
for three minutes.
Yeah, but you're not walking.
You're virtually running.
It's like you're in a mood with me.
- I can't imagine why. Can you?
- You're getting a real attitude.
- Oh, fuck off.
- No, you fuck off.
I've dragged my arse
to some leafy shit-hole
I can't even pronounce, for you,
and look how ungrateful you're being.
Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone
whilst Judy was trying to make up.
What? Like the last seven times?
You're a mental case holding out
for that serial dumper
to have you back for the... drum roll,
please... eighth fucking time.
That's why we're here
rather than somewhere
it might be remotely possible
to engage a solitary woman
in so much as a polite conversation.
- There might be girls.
- Will there? Balls.
- [Door shuts]
- [Women laughing]
[ Wolfmother: Woman]
Woman
You know you
Woman
You got to be a
Woman
I've got the feeling of love
When you're talking to me
You see right through me
I've got the feeling of love
She's a woman, you know what I mean
You better listen, listen to me
She's gonna set you free
Oh, oh, yeah
- What are the chances?
- [Women laughing]
Come on, Jim.
They came from there.
- Yeah. So?
- "So"?
Are you some kind of eunuch
or something?
Not bad enough that woman's robbed you
of brains, but testicles and all.
I'm sorry.
I'm claiming your testicles back.
No... Not that I literally
want your test...
That's just sick. Look.
They're just the beginning.
These small, rural places
are renowned for breeding
the crme de la crme of the
female form. It's the fresh air.
They go a bundle for city boys like
you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
I guarantee this place will be
wall to wall with rosy-cheeked
English country maidens,
like that lot, but even dirtier.
[Objects clatter]
- [Sheep bleats]
- [Up-tempo music plays]
It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
Don't sweat it.
The womenfolk are all off
braiding their hair
in some kind of naked fertility
ceremony or something.
That village green will be full
of heaving tits by sundown.
- These guys look weird.
- [Whispering] Just relax.
They're just blokes, like you and I.
They like a beer,
enjoy a scented candle.
They're my kind of people.
I can relate. Stick with me.
Good morrow.
Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
There you go.
Compliments of the house, lads.
Thank you.
[Sheep bleats]
Keep it together, mate.
Keep it together.
I'm just a bit worried
I'm going to get raped.
So how many more, Tom?
How many more?
Don't you be all high and mighty
with me, vicar.
We have to stop this madness.
- Reckon that's his daughter?
- If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
We can't let more
innocent people die!
- Then what? Then they'll come for us!
- Oh. Hi.
Don't you see they have us already?
Our women are cursed,
and we are spineless fools
who let it happen.
I know it's hard, vicar, what with
your Rebecca turning 18...
Eighteen? Love it.
Together we can stop this.
You are either with me or against me.
What a tosser.
Who is with me?
No, it can't be.
No, that's impossible.
- It can't be you. What is your name?
- Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!
- That is enough, Father. Enough!
- Daddy!
Come, child.
Does he know you? Have you been
hanging out with vicars?
- Never seen him before in my life.
- Sorry about that, lads.
Here you go.
No hard feelings, eh?
Sorry for the vicar.
He's a strange sort.
If you lads want a bed for the night,
there be a cottage,
the old Mircalla place,
not two miles down the road.
Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
- We're a bit light on the old...
- Money.
Oh, it don't cost nothing.
The doors are always open.
Any weary traveller
can expect a nice, long rest.
You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
If there's one thing I like more
than free booze, it's a free bed.
Thank you very much.
Might be a bit
of a tight squeeze, though.
I sent some beautiful young girls
down there not too long ago.
[ Ida Maria: I Like You So Much Better
When You're Naked]
Take off your clothes
Come on, take 'em off
I like you so much better
when you're naked
I like me so much better
when you're naked
I like you so much better
when you're naked
[song continues indistinctly]
- [Truck engine sputtering]
- I like you so much...
What's wrong with it?
Come on, come on. [stuttering]
Don't break down on us now. Come on!
- [Engine sputters, dies]
- Come on! What?
[Engine failing]
[Gasps]
- Come on!
- That'll really help, Lotte.
- We're screwed.
- Ja.
Great. We're in the middle of nowhere,
miles from anywhere.
Are you sure you put petrol in?
- [Lotte] Anke, for the fifth time, yes.
- [Anke] Just checking.
Well, let us walk to the cottage.
We must be close.
The landlord said
it was only a few miles.
- Ja.
- We're closer to the inn.
We should go get help.
Ja. Ja.
I'm only going back there with knives.
Those men were freaky.
- I think we should stay with the van.
- Ja.
- [Scraping noises]
- Oh...
- [noises continue]
- Do you hear that?
- What is it?
- [Gasps]
[Lotte] There's something out there.
- Stop scaring us, Lotte.
- Ja.
- [Clattering]
- Listen, listen!
It's coming from the roof!
- It is probably just a branch.
- A branch?
Ja.
[Exhales deeply]
- I told you!
- [All laughing]
[All screaming]
- Evening, ladies.
- Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Excuse us.
Our van just broke down,
- and we were a little bit spooked.
- Seems OK now.
Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
- Beer?
- Oh,ja!
Ja, ja, ja!
You're my type of girl.
[Fletch, women laughing]
The name's Fletch.
- What's your name?
- That's my man, Jimmy.
He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
- [Women] Oh!
- It's just tragic. Really is.
- Hello, Jimmy.
- All right.
So, what are four lovely ladies like
you doing here on a night like this?
We're on our way
to the Mircalla cottage.
[Wheezing laughter]
There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
These girls are all going to the exact
same cottage that we are.
[Women shrieking]
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes! Yes!
Great.
- Do you want to ride with us?
- Thanks. That's very nice of you.
- [Heidi] Oh, yeah!
- Take a seat.
When in Rome. [chuckles]
- Be careful. You know what happens.
- Relax. It's fine.
- [Anke] OK, let's go.
- [Coughing]
[Women laughing]
A couple of young fellows
were in here not an hour ago.
Directed them towards the cottage
not a couple of miles down the road.
What? Just carry on down the road?
There you go, miss. Carry straight
on down, and you can't fail to see it.
Now, she was a pretty one.
They always are, Sidney.
Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons,
every last one of them.
- [Spits]
- [Cuspidor clangs]
Pint, Jack?
- Wow. This place is amazing!
- Oh, I love it!
- Oh, cool!
- They got beers!
- Can we actually move here?
- [Women exclaiming]
- Yes!
- Yes, let's move in!
[Grunting]
[All chattering, exclaiming]
- [ Arrow: Hot Hot Hot]
- Let's party!
- We need Schnapps!
- Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!
- [Women chattering]
- All right! Yes!
J man, bottoms up!
- Bottoms up!
- Cocks in.
- [Anke] Oh, yummy!
- Let's dance!
Oh!
Feelin' hot, hot, hot
Feelin hot, hot, hot
This might be the best night
of my entire fucking life!
Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
[Chattering, exclaiming]
Let me rum bum bum bum
Let me rum bum bum bum
I love hiking!
Ol, ol, ol, ol
Ol, ol, ol, ol
Let me rum bum bum bum
- Let me rum bum bum bum
- Take your clothes off!
- Take your clothes off!
- Feelin hot, hot, hot
Feelin hot, hot, hot
- Do you know of Carmilla?
- [Gasps]
- Uh, no. Is that who it is?
- Yes.
- Carmilla. She's why we're all here.
- Eh?
We're students of folklore and ancient
superstition. We're on a field trip.
This village is home to the legend
of Carmilla, the vampire queen.
- Vampire queen?
- According to legend,
she's much, much more than
just your average vampire queen.
Some say she's 2,000 years old.
You believe in that
Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?
Where I grew up,
we're very superstitious.
Cragwich is particularly
fascinating to me.
The book of folklore tells
the story of this village,
and what Carmilla did to it
and its daughters.
Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,
and the bravest woman
quivers with desire
at the mere mention of her name.
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
[ Whigfield: Saturday Night]
Saturday, Saturday
- Hey! Jimmy Peon!
- Saturday night
Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
It is your turn to go
with the larger one.
Saturday night
Saturday night
- Too many beers. I need a piss.
- The bog's outside.
What? It's... It's dark out there.
Heidi, are you afraid
Carmilla will get you?
- Anke, don't be mean.
- OK, OK, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry. I will go with her.
- [Shrieks] Stop it!
- Saturday night
- Watch this. Here come the beers.
- Here come the beers. Ja?
- Ooh, ja!
He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
She's pretending to bum me.
Oh, his heart's in the right place.
It's just a shame
his brain's in his dick.
- [Heidi] Think his ying yang is big?
- [Anke] Ying yang?
[Shivering]
I like you so much better
when you're naked
I like you so much
better when you're naked
All right. Which one do you want, then?
Haven't thought about it.
Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
Which one do you fancy?
Which one do you like the most?
- Just answer the question.
- All right, then. Lotte.
- She seems really nice and friendly.
- Mm-hmm.
And it's like
she's got this pure spirit.
She's just really sweet.
She's got the prettiest eyes.
It's like looking into bottomless pools.
- And you?
- Trudi.
Massive tits, never speaks.
[Sniffing]
[Sniffs] Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
Ja. Ja.
[Sniffs] Oh,ja.
[Anke] Hurry up!
[Female voice whispering] Anke.
- Anke?
- [Clattering, thudding]
- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny.
- [Voice whispering] Heidi.
[Light crackling]
Fuck!
Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
[Clattering continues]
Anke!
Anke?
Anke? Anke!
[Roars]
Why are they taking so long?
She's probably just having
a massive shit.
[Music winds down, stops]
[Moaning]
- [Creaking]
- [Woman's voice] Trudi.
Trudi.
[Thudding footfalls]
- [Moaning continues]
- [Woman] Trudi.
- Trudi.
- [Gasping]
- [Moaning]
- [Floor creaking]
[Screams]
- [Growls]
- [Screaming continues]
[Gasps] Quickly!
- Trudi! We've got to get in there!
- [Objects shattering]
OK. Stand back.
Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
- I must have weakened it.
- Yeah, right.
- Look.
- Blood.
[Woman] Come.
What was that?
I don't know, but let's go find out.
- Is she serious?
- We have to do something, don't we?
This is all getting a bit weird: Women
missing, towels covered in blood.
- It's more of a light spotting.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
We heard her in here,
and now she's nowhere.
- That is very fucking weird.
- Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
- You like Trudi, don't you?
- Not that much.
That's just weak, man.
For Christ's sake.
[Engine sputtering]
Oh, God! [yells]
For God's sake!
I only got it seen to last week.
Oh, my... Oh, come on!
Shit! [exclaiming]
[Jimmy] Hi. You're through to Jimmy.
Please leave a message.
[Exclaims] You are so dead, Jimmy!
[Woman whispering] Judy.
Judy. Judy.
Anke!
Heidi? Trudi?
- Anything?
- No.
Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
- Told you there was no one out here.
- Trudi?
Probably just gone for a walk
or... something.
Let's head inside.
I've still got some beers.
- Oh, shit!
- [Woman breathing heavily]
[Woman whispering] Lotte.
- It's over there.
- I heard it too.
Look. I know something really wrong
is happening here,
but is there any chance
we can just ignore it?
[Jimmy] Fletch! Come on!
[Woman breathing heavily continues]
[Moaning]
It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
- Vampires?
- Vampires?
[Whispering] Lesbian vampires.
Nice one.
- [Roaring]
- [Gasps, yells]
[Groans] Fucking hell, she's strong.
- Jimmy!
- [Roars]
- Shit.
- Jimmy!
[Groaning]
- [Liquid sloshing]
- [Gasping]
[Grunting] She's not so strong now.
[Moaning]
Ah! Rank!
[Flatulence]
- [Liquid gurgling]
- Is that it?
No explosion or...
...turning into burning ash or...
Nothing, no?
Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
I'm just glad she's dead.
I can hold out for fireworks.
The legends... they're true.
This is madness.
- What's become of my friends?
- [Woman, softly] Lotte.
Oh, crap.
- Join us.
- Join us.
Ja.
I think they want you to say something.
- Never.
- [Snarling]
Don't think they wanted you to say that.
Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
[Vampires snarling]
Come on, you silly fuckers!
- [Snarling]
- [Gasping]
Now you will join us.
Hmm.
- Get in.
- [Vampires exclaiming]
Oh, my God! Did you see that?
That might be the coolest thing
I've done in my entire fucking life.
I've always been good at cricket.
Maybe it's my guns.
- Fletch, please shut up.
- Sorry, I'm just nervous.
They'd have eaten us alive.
This is fucked up!
Where did they go?
[Woman] Before sunrise,
you will all belong to us.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
What are we going to do?
- We're going to die horribly.
- For Christ sake. You're not helping.
- Calm down. Have a beer.
- We need to get out of here!
- Come up with a plan then, Einstein.
- Hold on. The van.
The van. Good plan. Great plan.
- Genius.
- [Object clattering]
I don't even want to know.
- What are we going to do now?
- [Lotte grunts]
Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
Arm ourselves with anything we can
plunge through their hearts.
Again, great idea. Like it.
Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore
hearts. Let's fucking have it.
- [Pounding]
- [Lotte gasps]
- Saturday night, I feel...
- [pounding continues]
[CD skipping]
- [Judy] Jimmy!
- Judy?
What? Don't open
the fucking door! Jesus!
- Judy, get in, quick.
- Oh, my God!
- What the hell is going on?
- What are you doing here?
- Something was chasing me.
- Vampires.
- What?
- Yep. Lesbian vampires.
- How ridiculous.
- No.
Just another of God's cruel tricks
to get on my tits.
Even dead women would sooner sleep
with each other than get with me.
- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine.
- Lesbian vampires?
Next time he'll have me bummed
by a big gay werewolf, I swear.
Come on. We need to lie down.
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
She keeps breaking up with him,
getting him back,
breaking up with him,
getting him back, you know?
- I hate her.
- Me too.
Man, this pisses me off.
I've been saving myself
for the right man,
someone I can really have feelings for.
- I finally meet him, and...
- What, you like Jimmy?
Yes, I do.
But between her and the vampires,
I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
[Chuckles]
[Stuttering] You're a virgin?
- Um, yeah.
- [Exhales]
[Wind whistling]
Oh, for God's sake, girl.
Cover yourself up.
Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
- Don't try me, girl.
- Oh!
Jimmy, I know you have
every right to hate me,
but I just want you to know
that I'm so happy
you let me through the door.
Well, I don't hate you.
Well, not completely.
I just don't know what
I keep doing you don't like.
It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
I'm glad you realise that,
because if this is gonna work,
- you're gonna have to change.
- Oh, I've changed.
But how... How do I know that?
How can I trust you? You're gonna
have to show me you're different.
Oh, I'm different.
- [Snarls]
- [Gasps]
Give me one... last... kiss.
- [Shouts]
- [Gasps]
Huh?
- [Yells]
- [Yelps]
[Screaming]
[Wheezing]
- [Shouting]
- [Screaming]
Probably best you remember her
the way she was, mate.
A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
Mate, thanks for saving my life.
Hey, you know me, fella.
I got your back.
Always have, always will.
- Right, got 'em.
- What are you doing?
- What do you think?
- What, Lotte was gonna...
You know what they say
about extreme situations.
And this, as I keep pointing out, my
friend, is an extreme fucking situation.
- Bit seedy, isn't it?
- She's worried she'll die a virgin,
and frankly, I'm willing to take
any opportunity I can get.
Emotional vulnerability, fear of
imminent death, vampire attacks.
- Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
- [Footsteps approaching]
How are you doing?
- What happened?
- Oh, God. Um...
[clears throat] As I suspected,
- Judy was a vampire.
- We killed her.
Fantastic.
- Um, I'm going for a piss.
- What, outside?
Do I look like a twat?
- [Snarling]
- [Gasping]
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, gosh!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Why aren't they coming in?
Judy walked in.
No, they have to be invited in.
You invited Judy in.
Oh.
So all we have to do
is sit tight till morning.
I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,
"Hey, lesbian vampires,
come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit!
Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
Still got it, fella.
Look, I was being ironic.
Guys?
[Hisses]
McLaren.
- She knows my name.
- That's not a good sign.
[Sniffs] She is pure.
- [Screams]
- Fletch!
When in Rome...
[voices whispering]
- Get away from him.
- Fuck off!
[Zipper unzips]
- [Groaning]
- [Snarling]
[Screeches]
- Nice.
- Get her into the shower.
Quick! Quick!
- [Screams]
- Quick! Turn it on!
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done on earth...
Give us this day... Push her back!
She must stay underwater.
Push her back!
Push her back under.
- Oh, God!
- Keep her under! Don't let her go!
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil,
as we forgive those
who trespass against us...
- Fuck off!
- Keep going.
Fucking hell! [shouting]
For Thine is the kingdom.
Jesus compels you!
Oh, God, I love Jesus!
I love you, Jesus.
- And the glory forever.
- All things bright and beautiful!
- Forever and ever.
- [Screaming]
Amen.
[Shouting] What the fuck?
We need to go quickly.
Your friends have already been taken.
- Ah, shite.
- There's no time to waste. Let's go!
Hang on. How did you know
all this was happening?
You and your friends
were sent as sacrifices.
It's an age-old deal,
where the villagers supply fresh blood.
In return, they get to keep
their cowardly hides.
So we were just a light buffet
for a bunch of hot dykes?
To my shame, yes. Your friend's
arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.
It's divine intervention
fulfilling a primordial prophecy.
- Balls!
- Does he bear a birthmark?
- Five red scratches around here?
- Yeah.
His bloodline is the key
to the resurrection
of the purest evil known to mankind:
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
Eh?
Paradoxically, the only thing
that can lift this village
from a centuries-old curse
that turns every woman
on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
My daughter, Rebecca,
becomes 18 within hours.
Right. Look,
I know you mean well. I really do.
And I love the vibe.
You look amazing. But...
I've seen weird shit, and even under
these circumstances this is a stretch.
Jimmy's not the Messiah.
He can barely wipe his own arse.
I understand your confusion.
Let's be on our way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
- Back to the village. No time to waste.
- Fuck that noise.
- I'm sorry?
- I'm not going back out there.
I've nearly been eaten three times
by the hottest women I've ever met.
Starting to become a bind.
But it's not too late to save your
friends, this village, the entire world!
Yeah, well, you know,
best of luck with it.
- I hope you get on all right.
- Are you fucking with me?
- Are you allowed to swear?
- Shut up.
You telling me you'd let eternal
darkness sweep over this entire planet
and leave your friends to die?
Your friends?
Well, I only really know Jimmy.
I just met the girl tonight. So...
OK. Stay here and die.
Oh...
What's with all the scratches?
The cruciform.
It drives the beasts away.
- It looks shit.
- Just get in.
OK, scratch master.
Where the fuck are we going?
The tomb of your friend's
great ancestor.
Fletch!
[Voice echoing] Sisters,
a moment that has infested
our dreams and our desires
for what seems like an eternity...
...is finally upon us.
[Moans]
For this night,
the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,
and our queen shall rise again.
- Carmilla?
- The vampire queen?
- [Grunts]
- Sorry. Carry on.
So his blood mixed with
my virgin blood brings her back?
You know a lot, pretty one.
I've heard of Carmilla,
but never have I heard of you.
Obviously you're not evil enough
to even make the history books.
[Gasps]
Well...
[sniffs]... soon she will know of you.
And with her resurrection,
this land will be ensnared forever
in the dawn of the red moon.
[Mouthing]
McLaren, these are your
final moments on earth.
Oh. Mmm.
[Vampires moaning]
The final resting place
of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
Jimmy's the reason
I ended up in this shit-hole?
He is our salvation and our only hope.
The prophesy foretold of when the last
of the McLaren clan would return.
With his blood and that of a virgin,
Carmilla shall rise again.
Concealed within this tomb is the weapon
that can slay the beast forever:
The sword of Daeldo.
- And what's that, then?
- Daeldo, the god of lust,
said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe
in the underworld of Hades.
A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
The only being brave enough
to have tried to penetrate
Carmilla's vilest depths,
and paid for it with his life.
Let me get this straight.
Your plan is,
wait for this bitch to be resurrected,
stake her with the sword of whatever,
thus rescuing my mate, curing
your daughter, ending the curse
- and saving the planet.
- Exactly. So, are you with me?
Not really. I ain't got much
fucking choice, have I?
- [Bell tolls]
- [Gasps]
You do this.
I need to check on my Rebecca.
What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
- Concealed within this tomb is...
- Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
This is officially
the worst holiday ever.
[Grunts]
- So there's a red moon, right?
- Forget about the red moon.
She said the last McLaren will fall.
Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
Oh. Well...
- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.
- Shut up. I'm thinking.
What can you be thinking about
at a time like this?
- How we are going to escape.
- Fantastic. Any ideas?
- No, have you?
- Not a fucking sausage.
Come on, think!
I'm too busy shitting myself
to come up with a daring escape plan.
- [Branches creaking]
- [Panting]
- You're cute.
- What?
It's our first argument.
Vic, we're doomed.
That ain't opening.
Move.
[Hissing, groaning]
In my defence,
I only tried that side, so...
[groaning]
- You go down there, my boy.
- Excuse me?
- There's no time to waste. Hurry up.
- Well, you go down, then.
Oh, my... Unbelievable.
It's not my daughter.
- Can you see the sword?
- Give me a minute, please.
It's my first time
in a tomb... grave... stone.
[Laughing]
What? What is it?
It's nothing.
[Laughing]
- What's so funny in there?
- [Laughing continues]
It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
Grow up! The handle draws on
the power of the demon Daeldo,
rendering this blade alone capable
of destroying her once and for all.
- What? How?
- It just does, OK?
We're gonna go there,
and we're gonna to die, right?
All because you insist some sword,
with a metal cock on the end,
can save the world?
- You're a disgrace.
- At least I can see the funny side.
Let's get on with the job. I'll load up
on weapons. You cover the baron up.
[Fletch] Will you just admit
it does look like a cock?
- [Grunting, straining]
- Jimmy, can I tell you something?
- Have you come up with a plan?
- No, I'm still thinking.
I think we're running out of time.
I just wanted to say that had we met
under different circumstances,
I would've liked to have gotten
to know you.
- Really?
- Yes.
In fact, even though we've just spent
a few hours together,
I feel like I've known you forever.
- Really?
- Yes.
I thought you might have
picked up on my signals.
Signals? What signals?
What did I miss?
Jimmy, I love you.
- Well, that's just fucking great.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- On the brink of death, you say that?
- I can't die without letting you know
you're the first man I could
share myself with completely.
- Oh, for Christ's sake.
- I would've given you everything:
My mind, soul and body.
- And body. Hmm.
- And now that'll never be.
- It is time. [hisses]
- [Jimmy] Oh, God!
- That's my penis.
- Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
[Exhaling heavily]
Wow.
What? What did you just say?
You called me a what?
I'm a fat piece of what?
[Exclaiming]
No one messes with the Fletchmeister
and his cock sword.
Oh, hello.
Um, I wasn't doing, um...
Star Wars is not, uh...
Aah! Chewie. I wasn't... [clears throat]
What are you doing out?
You probably shouldn't be out here.
I know.
- So, it's your birthday?
- Today.
It's just gone midnight.
All... grown... up.
- So you're 18?
- Uh-huh.
- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.
- Oh.
- [Snarls, gasps]
- [Sword thrusts]
[Gasping]
Daddy!
[Vicar] Fletch!
- Ready?
- Yep.
We have little time.
My Rebecca will soon be taken.
Yep.
[All moaning, hissing]
You have his eyes.
I used to love those eyes.
Until I learned how pathetic men are.
- [Gasps]
- [Exclaiming]
Mmm! Exquisite.
I will bleed you slowly and
let Carmilla feed upon your flesh
while it is still warm in your veins.
- [ Amazing Grace plays]
- Amazing grace
Look, the moon bleeds.
The resurrection has begun.
Here. Holy water.
It's like a fucking
hand grenade of acid.
- You said "fucking" again.
- So?
- It's weird.
- Get over it.
There's no need to panic, my friend.
Just stay close to me.
I'm well-versed in the knowledge
of killing vampires.
Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic,
beheading, holy water, sunlight...
There's not a fucker alive
who doesn't know that.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's in books, films, telly.
It's pretty common knowledge.
Were you expecting many
sexual encounters, my friend?
Water bomb fight.
So where's this resurrection
likely to be happening?
In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
[Fletch] I knew you were gonna say that.
Never going to be somewhere
un-scary-sounding,
like the garden or scullery?
- "Scullery" is quite scary.
- Eh?
"Scullery" has got
the word "skull" in it.
As opposed to the crypt, which has
got corpses in it. Well observed.
Remember this: They can die fast
or they can die slow,
but they have to die.
- Can't we do this in the morning?
- It may be too late for your friends.
- It will be too late for Rebecca.
- No, I'm good.
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Fletch.
Let's try to come back alive.
Vic...
If I don't make it out of this,
there's one thing I want you to know:
I blame you entirely.
So this is how your bloodline ends:
Crying like a baby.
Begging for your life. [laughs]
- Please...
- Jimmy, pull yourself together.
- Don't give her the satisfaction.
- No.
You'll give me my satisfaction.
Lotte, just so you know,
before she turns you,
I found you really attractive,
pre-vampirism.
- You did?
- [Hisses]
[Vampires groaning]
- We have an escape plan.
- What?
Fletch will save us.
Fletch? He's fucking useless.
We're dead meat.
- Hey! You cheeky prick.
- Fletch!
- [All snarling]
- Although, to be fair,
if I could've avoided being here,
I would've.
[All gasping]
Oh, damn.
- I told you he was fucking useless.
- [Laughing]
- Damn, damn!
- You ever fired that thing before?
- First time.
- Watch and weep. So!
You clam-lappers fancy
a piece of me then, do you?
- Come on, then.
- Kill them.
- [All snarling]
- Oh, fuck!
Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
Your friend's blood
has already been drawn.
- The resurrection has begun.
- We gotta get out of here.
We can't. Darkness is upon us.
Your friends, Rebecca...
I reckon I can
probably live with that.
...and the entire fucking world!
You know how to put a guilt trip on,
don't you, you fucker?
Right. [strains] Let's do this.
- It'll be OK.
- How can this be OK?
All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
But no. Nothing's as simple
as that, is it?
And now we're gonna end up dead.
Well, I'm gonna end up dead.
You'll be a lesbian.
And I've not even made love to a man.
Oh!
The crypt is through here.
- Fletch!
- Spiritus Sancti.
- Fletch!
- [Vampires snarling]
- Spiritus sancti.
- Hurry up!
- [Lotte] Jimmy?
- Back, you spawn of Satan.
- Fletch?
- How you been?
Up and down.
[Growling]
- There's only one solution now.
- The big cock sword.
- What?
- Long story.
- Hand me the sword of Daeldo.
- Haven't you got it?
I thought you had it.
You're going on about
how important it is.
All we've got to do is wait
for this bitch to rise, stab her,
- and you forgot the sword?
- Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
- Tell Rebecca I love her.
- About Rebecca...
- Run, you fool!
- All right!
Jesus!
- Whores of fucking Hades.
- [Growling] Annihilate him.
[All snarling]
Prepare for fucking death! [shouts]
[Fletch] Come on, you silly fuckers!
- [Fletch] Lotte!
- It's playtime, darling.
[Shouts]
Mmm! You are a feisty one.
I like it. Aah!
- It won't budge.
- I have to help her.
It's not gonna work.
- What is it with you and doors?
- Let's ram it.
[Grunts, struggling]
Mmm! You taste divine.
- Keys.
- Vicar's got them.
- What?
- Know how to hotwire a hearse?
- Yeah, no worries.
- Brilliant. Let's go.
- Of course I don't, you idiot.
- Shit.
First I'm going to torture you,
then I'm going to turn you.
- You'll be my plaything.
- Never!
That's it, then.
The problem with you, James,
you're a pessimist.
You might want to grab weapons.
We could be in for a ruck.
[Screaming]
Come on!
- That sword's got a cock for a handle.
- It's funny, isn't it?
It's the only thing that'll
destroy that psycho bitch.
It's very powerful and very ancient.
- Sort of gay.
- So get your own fucking sword.
[Whispering voices]
[Heart beating]
I knew you would not resist me forever.
[Cries out]
Sorry, you're not my type.
- Whoo-hoo!
- [Female voice] Lotte.
- Bollocks.
- Fletch.
- [Straining]
- [Sword vibrating]
- [Growling]
- Oh, my God!
McLaren.
- Jimmy!
- Throw it like you mean it!
Un-fucking-believable!
[Gasping]
[Beating]
[Screaming]
[Cock crows]
Is somebody taking the piss?
The sword of Daeldo
is a mighty weapon indeed.
Looks like the vic was right.
Everyone seems to know what's
going on bar me. What just happened?
It's all cock swords and scary stuff
and history and that.
- I'll tell you later.
- Tell me now.
- I will.
- When?
Mate, do you want to calm down?
I've had a bit of a busy night.
I'll tell you in a minute.
- Whoa.
- No, look. Sunlight.
- [Women groaning]
- The curse has lifted.
- So they're not vampires anymore?
- No.
Cool. Are they still lesbians?
For fuck's sake.
Uh...
Unbelievable.
Save the day, not even a kiss.
Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
Let it go, Fletch.
You're the bigger man.
[Engine grinds, starts]
Whoa! That's some mighty fine
hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
Thanks. Right. Now what?
Don't know. Go home?
Go home? They've taken my friends,
they very nearly took our lives,
and we never even dreamed
they existed before tonight.
How can we just go home to our beds?
- What's she talking about?
- Uh...
This village is free,
but more creatures like Carmilla lurk
in the dark corners of the world.
No one would believe us if we tell.
We are the only people
who know the truth.
We must go out there
and fight this menace.
Are you suggesting we become
lesbian vampire killers?
If that's what it takes, ja.
Well, I ain't got anything else on
in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
- Jim?
- I don't know.
Oh, come on. It's in your blood,
your destiny, all that shit.
- Huh?
- I'll tell you later.
- Come on. You might as well.
- Join us.
Lesbian vampire killers, it is.
Let's ride.
- [Laughing]
- Whoo-hoo!
[Laughing, cheering continues]
[Howling]