(LET'S GO TO PRISON PLAYING)
# There's a place I know,
come along with me
# Just break some laws
and you get in free
# Three hots and a cot
# An orange jumpsuit
# Your name's a number
# Now, ain't that a hoot?
# Throw out that list
of things to do
# The State's got plans
for you
# Let's go to prison
# Stir
# Let's go to prison. Stir
# Now, it's corrections
officer, not called a guard
# Now, won't you kids
go play in the yard?
# Yeah, walk an earth circle
or lift some weights
# Might get lucky,
might get some date
# Ain't talking hoops
when I say man-on-man
# It's zone defense,
do what you can
# Let's go to prison
# Big house
# Let's go to prison
# Yeah
# Lock up
# Trading smokes
for toilet booze
# Snitch gives you up
to the screws
# Bought yourself
some time in the hole
# They'll throw you a Bible
to save your soul
# Oh, ho-ho, Lord
# Doing a nickel
# Doing a dime
# You know you're innocent
# You didn't do the crime
# This place takes patience
# You will find
# But as long as you're here
# Just have a good time
# In Angola, Attica, Sing Sing
# Let's go to prison!
Come on now!
# San Quentin, Tehachapi
# It's called prison
# Let's go, let's go!
# Prison, Alcatraz
# Come on, let's go! #
JOHN:
Our justice system sucks.
You know, there are over
two million Americans
behind bars.
That's a little larger
than the population
of Houston.
(ALL CHEERING)
Every year,
there are enough children
born in prison to fill
250 Little League teams
and enough people
are raped in prison
to fill a stadium
more than three times.
Can you picture that?
Three stadiums full of people
raping each other?
I know I can.
My name's John Lyshitski.
I just got out of prison.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't know.
Do you have
anything bigger?
Yeah.
That's more like it.
If I had a nickel
for every time
I've been incarcerated,
I'd have 15 cents.
It all started when
I was eight years old.
I stole the Publishers
Clearing House
prize patrol van.
Thought there'd be
a million bucks inside.
Where's the check?
Where's the check?
Wait!
They caught me when I tried
to cash the giant check.
That was the first time I met
Judge Nelson Biederman,
who changed my life
with the magic word.
Guilty.
You see, Johnny,
the reason we have
all these laws
and rules to live by
is so that
we can help guide
all the little boys
with big dreams
and a chance
for a bright future,
and so that
we could help protect them
from worthless scum
like you.
Seven years,
juvenile detention.
JOHN: And with that,
Judge Biederman
began my trip
through the justice machine.
The machine works.
It took me,
a confused child,
and turned me
into a for-real,
no-shit felon.
Hey!
Hit the ground,
motherfuckers
or I'll fill you
full of more holes
than the Asshole Day parade.
There's an
Asshole Day parade?
Motherfucker.
Guilty.
Four years,
and if being a moron
were a crime, Mr. Lyshitski,
you would never see
the light of day again.
JOHN: I got out again
when I was 24.
Then that same ass-wipe,
Judge Biederman,
sent me back
when I was 24 and a half.
Four to seven years.
The next time
you steal a car,
Mr. Lyshitski,
check to see if there
are lights on the roof.
(LAUGHING)
You liked that one?
JOHN: I'm out again,
and I intend to spread
the pain around.
Starting with
His Honor himself.
Take him down piece by piece.
Kick off his dog,
strangle his cat,
shit in his pillowcase,
burn down his garage.
Then I'll get really creative.
Hello?
Hi. Is this the
municipal courthouse?
Great.
My name is Ken Kennedy.
I'm calling from
the Chicago Tribune.
Yes, we're doing
a story down here
on some of the city's
longest-serving public figures
and we would love to see
Judge Nelson Biederman III
at work.
So could you tell us
which times this week
that he will be on the bench?
Uh-huh.
And how long ago
did you say that he died?
Three days! Fuck!
(CLINKING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Who's got a
six-letter synonym
for "deprived of"?
Robbed.
Anybody want to buy me
a champagne drink?
How about a fancy beer?
15 bucks for a lap dance.
Yeah, I'm not that horny.
I just got out of prison.
JOHN: Holy shit!
"Nelson Biederman the IVth."
I guess
when one door slams shut,
another one swings open.
Well, look out, Nelly.
You're about to meet
the other man
your father helped raise.
BARKER:
Crimes are everywhere.
They're in our parks,
they're in our streets,
and they're in our schools.
That's why I need you
to be part of...
Where the hell
are you guys?
Well, why the hell
do I have to be here
if you don't?
Yeah, I know
he was my father.
Thanks for the
fucking newsflash.
Don't give me
that shit, Duane.
JOHN: Hello, Nelly.
I give you now
the new chairman
of the Biederman Foundation
whose generosity
has made this all possible,
Nelson Biederman IV.
I want to thank you all
for attending this honorarium
for my dear,
departed Daddy.
Now, boys and girls,
are you ready to have
your minds blown?
Well, what you got, Nelson?
A lot of people didn't think
that this neighborhood needed
a $7-million,
original Yoko Ono.
Well, those people didn't
grow up on these streets.
And maybe I didn't either,
but I am forced
to drive through here
on my way to the airport
and I believe that
anything that I can do
to make your lives and
my drive more beautiful
is worth doing.
That's why I,
Nelson Biederman IV,
in honor of my late father,
officially declare
Judge Nelson Biederman III
Park open.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
DUANE:
Biederman Foundation.
Duane.
Oh, hello?
It's me, Nelson.
Who is this?
Nelson. Listen to me, Duane.
That is the last time
that I go to
one of those goddamn events
with Sergeant Barker.
Excuse me, who?
Sergeant Barker,
the dog that hates
crack and stuff.
Listen to me, Duane.
I'm gonna be in the office
in half an hour.
When I get there,
there better be a Fresca
waiting for me
and when I say Fresca,
I mean Fresca.
It better not be
a Fanta or a Sprite
or a Bubble Up or a 7Up.
I want it to be
a fucking Fresca!
Do you understand me?
Yes, sir.
(MO VE THIS PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)
(SINGING)
Oh my. Look at this.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GASPING)
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SMASHING)
(IN KOREAN)
(IN KOREAN)
Okay.
No! No!
(SCREAMS)
PHARMACIST: We have no money.
(SIRENS WAILING)
JOHN: Look at this.
Old Nelson IV's got his pinky
caught in the same machine
his daddy threw me into.
The boys in
the legal department think
the best
course of action would
be for you to plead guilty,
plea bargain to keep this
as quiet as possible,
and step down as chairman
of the Foundation.
Well, then,
you tell the boys
in the legal department
that they are
a bunch of dipshits,
because I am innocent.
Well, apparently,
the police have a videotape
of you committing the crime.
You, or one of those other
cadaverous bag-of-bone a-holes
sitting at that table,
better strap on
a goddamn piss-bag,
get down here
and get me out of here
or you're all
gonna be replaced!
You got it, Duane?
I'll buy this place and
have it burned to the ground.
Well, should we
call the governor?
He owes us one.
That would get him out.
Does anybody here
want him out?
(CLEARING THROAT)
Okay. How about this?
I will represent Nelson
with the help
of our dipshit department.
Super!
Case number 9741,
State of Illinois v.
Nelson Perth Biederman IV.
The Honorable Judge
Eva Fwae-Wan presiding.
"Just tell her
what you think"?
Just tell her
what you think.
Okay. Shit.
Permission to approach,
Your Honor.
FWAE-WAN: What is it,
Mr. Biederman?
Look, I'm gonna be frank.
Off the record,
you knew my father.
I've assembled the finest
legal team that money can buy.
Those guys.
You got better things to do,
I got better things to do.
We both know
all I'm gonna get
is a slap on the old wrist
and a formal apology
and a case of champagne
from the governor.
Why don't
we all just try to
move this thing along
as quickly as possible?
Well, Mr. Biederman,
off the record,
I am going to
hurry this along,
but it's because
people like you
make me sick
and I don't want
your Drakkar Noir
stinking up my courtroom.
Prosecution,
present your case!
JOHN:
The three scariest words
in the English language.
"Trial by jury."
Juries are made up
of 12 people who are so dumb
they couldn't
even think up an excuse
to get out of jury duty.
I'm just proud to be
a part of the American
judicimal system.
I mean, uh, judaical.
I was so happy to be
picked for jury duty.
It's like
watching Court TV,
except I'm in the TV,
just like the boy
from Willy Wonka.
Before my daddy died,
he taught me one thing.
See the thumb goes away,
comes back.
Judaical system?
No. Jewidecimal system.
That ain't right.
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Hinkley?
Oh, yeah?
You may proceed
with your defense.
Watch this.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
you've all seen Jurassic Park
and yet you're aware
that Jeff Goldblum has
never actually been
attacked by dinosaurs.
Even though
you've seen it
with your own eyes
on a TV
not unlike that one.
I rest my case.
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We, the jury,
find the defendant,
Nelson Biederman,
quilty.
FWAE-WAN:
Do you mean guilty?
Oh, yeah.
Well, it kind of
looked like it was a "Q."
Nelson Biederman,
you've been found
guilty of felony assault.
I sentence you to
three to five years
in the Rossmore State
Correctional Facility.
(GAVEL BANGING)
This court is adjourned.
(WHOOPS)
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
NELSON: Fuck!
JOHN: Nelson Biederman IV
is gonna get
beaten, tortured, raped,
psychologically abused
and raped some more
by the so-called
justice system.
So why am I not happy?
I feels like
it's prom night
and everyone else
is porking my date.
I'm gonna have a heart attack
if you don't give me
my medication...
You see this all the time.
Ma'am, please, we need
to talk to Derek right now.
Oh, fuck you.
I don't even know
where he could be...
Can we talk to him?
You pissed me off because...
I mean I went to my own...
Do you own this house?
I mean...
And you know what?
I need my medication.
Silverman took my
medication away from me!
I could have a heart attack.
Hey, John,
you okay?
You seem sort of...
Clinically depressed.
Yeah.
I don't know, guys.
Don't you ever wonder
if there's more to life
than smoking grass
and watching guys
get arrested on TV?
I got some coke.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey.
You John?
We're here
to buy some pot.
Yeah,
my friend said
you'd hook us up.
My friend Ben Franklin?
JOHN:
Any felon worth his salt
can smell undercover cops
from 20 paces,
and there's no way in hell
he'd do something crazy
like sell pot to them.
Unless he actually
wanted to go to jail.
You guys should
probably take off.
What for?
Those two clowns
I just sold grass to
are cops.
You didn't buy that whole
Cheech and Chong routine,
did you?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
I can't believe they fell
for the Cheech and Chong bit.
OFFICER: Police! Open up!
Come on, John!
(BANGING ON DOOR)
OFFICER: Open the door
or we're coming in.
JOHN: I guess
sometimes when fate
knocks on your door,
it has a search warrant.
I'll go to jail.
I'll get bunked up
with Nelson Biederman IV
and I'll make sure
he gets the full treatment.
Yup. My whole life's
been leading up to this.
Guilty as hell.
Guilty?
Now if we could
discuss sentencing?
Save it, Lyshitski.
How does seven-to-ten
work for you?
Not as good
as one-to-three.
Five-to-seven?
I'll settle for three-to-five,
but wait. There's more.
What's that?
I want to do my time
in Rossmore.
You actually want to go to
Rossmore Penitentiary? Why?
Three words, sister.
Location, location, location.
Hey. John Lyshitski.
What's your name?
Nelson Biederman IV.
Where you heading?
Prison.
(SCOFFS)
Me, too.
Tell you what,
we should be cellmates.
I don't snore
and I'm a pretty
quiet masturbator.
Hell, I'll even
give you the top bunk.
Thanks.
Thanks for
talking to me.
Last couple days
in the holding cell,
some of these
gang members
were really giving me
the cold shoulder.
It's inexcusable.
That's what I thought.
I mean,
why be that way?
WARDEN:
Welcome to your new home.
Let me start off by saying
that if any one of you
is innocent,
just raise your hand.
You'll be free to go.
MAN 1: Come on, baby!
You gonna be mine!
Yeah, we're tossing salad!
That's what I'm talking about!
Put your little finger up,
baby! Yeah!
You gonna be my bitch
up in here!
(GRUNTS)
That was my little joke.
I have a notoriously
dry sense of humor.
All right.
Here's how it's gonna work.
If you make
my life difficult,
I will make your life
exponentially more painful.
MAN 2: Yeah!
If you have a complaint,
all you have to do,
write it down
on a piece of paper,
put it in an envelope
and stick it up
your asshole.
MAN 3:
Give me some brown sugar!
Tell them how we do it, boy!
(CHUCKLING)
If you feel that you've
been treated unfairly,
write it neatly on some paper,
fold it up real good,
pull your cheeks apart
and stick it up your asshole.
If you have comments
or suggestions about
how I run my prison
or, let's say,
maybe the cuisine
is not to your liking,
please write a letter
to my office.
Just make sure that
under "return address,"
you write the word "asshole,"
so that my head guard,
Mr. Shanahan, can assist you
in pulling
your cheeks apart
and sticking it up
your asshole.
MAN 4: He's got some
pretty eyes. Pretty lips.
WARDEN:
Come on, that was funny.
GUARD: All right! Move it out!
Cell 433. I want you
to sign right there.
Move off, Biederman.
Lyshitski, John Q.
Hello, Johnny.
How you doing?
(CHUCKLING)
Rooney. No glasses.
You got the surgery.
Yes, I did.
One Metallica t-shirt,
Master of Puppets.
One money clip.
I'd like to room
with Biederman.
Empty. Cell number 433.
Sign right there.
Can I get my old shit?
Give it to him.
JOHN:
So fate, with a little help
from every last nickel I had,
threw me into a cell
with the esteemed
Nelson Biederman IV.
Today is the first day
of the rest
of my beautiful life.
People think
they can't imagine
what it feels like
to be in prison.
It's easy.
You know that
bolt of fear you get
when you see a cop's
flashing red lights
in your rear view?
It makes you dizzy and
kind of sick to your stomach.
Now imagine feeling that
24 hours a day
while you're surrounded
by convicted killers
who feel the exact same way.
It'd kind of put you
on edge, huh?
Well, that's life
in the machine.
Nobody's here to relax,
and once you're in,
there's only one
quick way out.
In a body bag.
MAN 1: Dead man rolling!
MAN 2: Dead man rolling!
Wait...
Well, be it ever so humble.
I'll just
take the top.
It doesn't seem like
they cleaned this toilet up.
It's disgusting.
MAN 1: Hey, bro, hold it.
You got two minutes.
(CRYING)
MAN 2: You want in on it?
Come on. What we got here?
Look, amigo, if you're
gonna make it in here,
you better smarten up.
Those pricks out there
see you like this,
you won't make it a week.
You don't wanna die
in your first week,
do you?
(SOBBING) No.
Right.
So you got to trust me.
Do what I do.
Just keep your mouth shut
and try not to cry.
It's all right to cry.
Crying takes the sad
out of you.
"Crying takes the sad
out of you"?
Hey, that shit may
have flown back when
you were a human being,
but you're not now.
You're a piece of meat
and you're in the grinder.
The softer you are,
the more it's gonna
grind you up,
and the more them animals
are gonna wanna eat you.
All right,
you gotta toughen up.
Show me your tough face.
Show me Nelson's
tough face.
Jesus, you look like you're
going to take a shit,
or something.
Hey, John.
How you doing?
Same Lyshitski,
different day.
Got some mail for you.
Bit backed up.
Couple weeks.
Who's the new guy?
That is Nelson Biederman IV.
He got to take
a shit or something?
JOHN: No, he's trying
to look like bad meat.
Yeah.
Okay.
MAN 3: Now keep it quiet
down there.
Look at this,
we can order out.
MAN 4: I need some
toilet paper, what's up?
MAN 5: Well, we got to you.
So now what do we do?
Hmm?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
I mean, what are we...
What are we supposed to do?
We're doing it, man.
This is it.
We're right in
the thick of the action.
We hang out here,
go to lunch,
come back, hang out some more,
go to dinner.
You know how someone
might describe a situation
that's unpleasant or confining
as being "like a prison"?
Yeah.
This is what
they were referring to.
MAN 6: CIlate la boca!
JOHN: It costs $54 a day
to keep a person in prison,
which comes out to
$75 million a day nationally.
That's $28 billion a year.
When you think about it,
wouldn't it be cheaper
just to let us keep
your goddamn car stereos?
What's on the menu today,
good sir?
That's meat.
That ain't meat.
Ain't meat.
Hit me with some meat.
MAN: Hey, come on,
hurry up.
Great American
melting pot.
You know,
20%% of all prisoners
aren't even US citizens?
About 10%% are Mexican,
2%% Colombian.
I can't
tell the difference.
How do you know
all this stuff, John?
I'm on a lot of
weird mailing lists.
See those bad asses
over there?
They're the White Kingdom.
They pretty much
run the roost.
He who controls the smack,
controls the joint,
and by "he," I mean him.
Lynard.
Don't be fooled, though.
Underneath all those swastikas
he's a real prick.
MAN 1: Hey, hey.
You ain't gonna
eat that, right?
At exactly 12:15,
stand up.
Why?
Just do it.
It's kind of a prank.
Oh.
We used to
do this sort of thing
all the time at prep school.
A couple of the boys
wanted to put one over
on old Professor LaRoche.
(CHUCKLING)
At exactly
the appointed minute,
all the boys would
push their books
down onto the floor.
Old LaRoche almost
had a heart attack...
Oh, shit. Not the face.
Not the face!
(SCREAMING)
Break it up!
Break it up!
You, fish,
who started this shit?
(GROANING)
Leave it alone.
(SCREAMS)
He did.
All right, Lynard,
you're going to the hole.
Lunch is over, ladies,
hit the showers! Move it!
That's gotta be the stupidest
goddamn thing I've ever seen.
Never narc on somebody.
I mean,
haven't you seen
any prison movies?
You told me to.
Yeah. I didn't mean
for you to tell the truth.
You're dead, and I'll probably
gonna get kicked in the teeth
just for talking to you.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Listen, from now on you do
exactly as I say. Exactly.
Okay?
Okay.
Just remember,
number one rule in prison,
always look out
for your cellmate.
JOHN: Remember,
the number one rule in prison,
never trust anybody.
Of all the fears
men have about prison,
loss of liberty,
eating bad food,
claustrophobia, Ioneliness,
none of them compare
to the prospect of
being fucked up the ass.
So,
what's a beautiful
white boy like you
doing in a place
like this?
Three to five.
Soft time, huh?
Yeah.
I like soft things.
You know,
like, soft music,
maybe a soft
little baby duck
on Easter morning.
You like little baby ducks?
Hey, back the hell off,
Barry.
He's my bitch.
Hey, Lyshitski,
how's it hanging?
Little to the right,
I see.
Hey, he's my property,
dickmonster.
You guys got that?
This little filly's all mine.
You can look,
but don't touch.
Juliet's asshole's got
one name stenciled on it.
Mine.
Romeo. Romeo Lyshitski.
Capisce, amigos?
No rear entry.
That goes for you.
That big bastard's
the head of the Black G-Lords.
I don't mean to sound
ungrateful, John,
but did you have to stick
your finger up my ass?
No. Probably not.
But it happened.
You've gotta get me
out of here. Now!
Before I become
bitch du jour for
one of the G-Lords.
I don't care how much
it costs. I want out.
Well, that's just it,
Mr. Biederman,
you don't have any money.
What're you talking about?
I have millions.
Well, the Foundation does,
yes,
but legally,
you have no access
to the Foundation's funds
unless you are chairman,
which you are no longer.
My father started
the Biederman Foundation.
My name is Nelson Biederman!
You can't fire me!
Actually, according to
the Foundation's charter,
we were required to.
So, without Foundation funds,
you don't have a dime.
Unless you've been working
a paper route on the side.
(LAUGHING)
I'm so sorry.
That's why I brought you
a Fresca.
MAN 1: Hey, hey. Sit down.
After all,
we are a charity.
So here. Just lean in.
Go ahead.
GUARD: No food or drinks!
Oh.
Ouch.
I'm sorry, Mr. Biederman.
MAN 2: Hurry it up.
A lot of people waiting.
(SLURPING)
Duane!
(AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD
PLAYING)
(CHUCKLING)
Thank you
for the pencil, John.
No problem.
Found it in the shitter.
All right, Johnny,
how much for real?
Well, he's a really
good friend of mine.
I couldn't possibly
let you have him for
anything less than, say,
half ounce of grass,
four cartons of smokes?
Shit. Honky, please.
You out your mind?
Hey, you want to
break off a piece
of that white chocolate,
it's going to cost you.
Well, shit.
Your name must be Monty Hall,
motherfucker,
'cause
we just made a deal.
(JOHN WHISTLING)
MAN: You gonna
say it to my fist!
Come on, man!
What's with the robe,
John?
Well, if you wanna
keep getting the catalog,
you got to order something
every now and again.
Figured I'd get
more use out of this
than a Miracle Bra.
(BANGING ON CELL)
Lyshitski,
garbage detail!
(WHISTLES)
Wait, you're not gonna
leave me in here
by myself, are you?
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
Just remember your tough face.
Oh, spooky.
Looks like he has to
take a shit. Come on!
JOHN: Hold the fort, amigo.
Hey, thanks, Shanahan.
Don't thank me, asshole,
just pay me.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
I'd like to apologize
for the crassness
of my associates.
I doubt very much
if they've even cracked
the binding on Emily Post.
Would you like some merlot?
I make it in the toilet.
Are you Pisces?
Yeah, I knew it.
How do you do it, Barry?
How do you do it?
So what shall we drink to?
Oh, I know.
Serendipity.
What a delightful
force of nature,
serendipity.
Yummy.
Look here, Nelson,
can I ask you a question?
Does my ass
look big to you?
No?
Liar!
I ought to cut
your stinking-ass,
lying throat for lying!
I'm a cow! A big-hipped,
fat, nasty, gelatin-assed,
buttermilk-making cow!
You wear it very well.
Oh.
Well.
Thank you, sweet thing.
But look here, now,
don't you ever lie to
Barry again, you hear me?
'Cause if you do,
I'm gonna have
to remove your genitals
and put them in a shoebox.
You understand?
Yeah. So now
I'm going to tell you
a little secret, Nelson.
(FEELS SO GOOD PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Boy, I go apeshit
for Chuck Mangione.
But enough small talk.
(SIGHS)
You're new here,
so let me tell you
how this shit go.
You see, I own you,
little Pisces.
You are my property,
to do with as I please,
but we don't have
to do everything tonight.
Hell, we got three to five.
So for now
what say you
just give Barry
a little Eskimo kiss?
Eskimo kiss ain't never
hurt nobody, right?
Sorry.
I can't.
Oh, baby.
Don't make me go get
no shoebox, now.
Come on. Eskimo.
MAN 1: Eskimo! Eskimo!
MAN 2: Eskimo! Eskimo!
(WHISTLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, come on now.
You didn't think
old Barry was going to
just take advantage
on the first date, did you?
If you did,
then I guess you just
don't know Barry.
No, no.
Prepare to be wooed
by the master.
Hell, yeah.
NELSON:
"Dear new pen pal,
"my name is
Nelson Biederman IV.
"I'm 30 years old,
"and I've been in prison
for three months.
"In this hell-hole,
"I've had my ass kicked
so many times
"my shit has
footprints in it. "
"But you know what?
I think I'm going
to make it.
"At least
I can rest assured
"it can't possibly
get any worse.
"Anyway, thanks for listening.
"I'll have to sign off now,
as someone is pissing on me.
BILLY:
"Your new friend, Nelson."
That's a message from Lynard.
He gets out of the hole today.
He can't wait to see you.
Sleep tight.
I'm dead.
Not necessarily.
He might just kick your ass.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, every day.
For months or years,
till you're dead.
Man, I'm hungry.
You wanna go grab
some lunch, bud?
Dead man walking.
He's not gonna kill me here,
is he?
Oh, no.
All the smart money's
bet on the rec yard.
Wait, people are betting
on when I'm gonna be killed?
Of course.
Prison's a boring place.
They'll bet on anything.
Shanahan's the bank.
Hell, I lost
four cartons of smokes
on how much one of
Jesus' turds weighed.
Look, this is ridiculous.
I'm gonna
go talk to Lynard,
reason with him
as one adult to another,
apologize to him, and put
this entire thing behind us.
I can't see how
you can go wrong.
Thanks.
MAN 1:
That's the one over here,
fool. What I'm talking about.
MAN 2: Hey, come on,
hurry it up.
NELSON: Mr. Lynard.
Mr. Lynard,
I know that
we did not start
under the best
of circumstances,
so I just want
to say how sorry I am
for the misunderstanding...
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Okay.
I deserved that.
I deserved that. I...
Well, we're even.
I have done you wrong,
and twice, you have
stabbed me with forks.
So let's just try to
put this whole thing
behind us
and carry on about
this business of living.
Sit.
Sit.
Well, I should really
get back to my friends.
Sit.
It took a lot of guts
to do what you did.
Nobody's ever stood up
to me before,
except my old man.
I'm sure he's a great man.
I killed him.
I'm gonna kill you
the same way.
You didn't kill him
with kindness? Did you?
With a hammer.
Like the Beatles song.
(CHUCKLES)
Don't scream.
Now, give me
my eating utensil back.
MAN 3: Your mama!
That's what I'm looking at.
Hey, bud, how'd it go?
Super.
All right. So he's not
going to kill you?
No, he is,
just not right now.
Not here, fellas.
Thank you.
Thanks for playing.
(WHISTLING)
Hey, don't sweat it,
compadre.
The way I see it is
you still got three options.
You could kill yourself,
you could fight him,
or you could just
let him kill you,
which honestly might be
your best solution.
Or you could always
move out to the boondocks.
Get a little place
of your own, private cell.
Private cell?
How do I do that?
Well, just stand right here.
Okay?
JOHN: Hey!
MAN 1: Watch it!
MAN 2: That ain't mine.
It's cool.
Hi.
JOHN: When you're
already in jail
and you break the rules
you think,
"What the hell
are they gonna do,
throw me in jail?"
The answer's yes.
It's called isolation.
The hole.
In the hole,
it's impossible to
tell the difference
between five minutes
and forever.
Your mind
plays tricks on you,
you get depressed,
you get disoriented,
but most folks
just suffer from extreme panic
and vivid,
horrifying hallucinations.
(CRYING)
BARKER: Nelson. Nelson.
Who's there?
It's me, Nelson,
Sergeant Barker.
The dog that fights crack.
(CRYING) Please!
Please open the door!
Had enough of yourself
already?
I don't blame you.
Let's go.
How long was I in there?
Two days.
Hey. Look who's back.
How are you, killer?
Nice stubble.
Very Miami Vice.
MAN: Get out of here.
Looks good.
JESUS: Looks beautiful.
Looks beautiful.
How you holding up,
Nelson?
I'm not going to make it.
JOHN: What do you mean?
You're not thinking about
doing yourself in, are you?
My friend,
I'm all out of smack today,
but you may be in luck.
Because I've got some
very nice alternatives.
Paprika.
That's right. Paprika.
A mere two, three pounds
of this stuff, boom!
To the moon.
Only side effects may be
some mild-to-uncontrollable
shitting.
I need something
that will kill me.
Oh, it's like that.
I don't condone that,
my friend,
but pretty much
any of this shit'll kill you.
Oh yeah, I got old
standard drain cleaner.
Brass cleaner.
(LAUGHING) Oh!
Eureka. Oh, yeah.
This is something
called boat cleaner.
I think it's used
to clean boats with.
Give me the boat cleaner
and a needle.
NELSON: "Dear Pen Pal.
"Well, I'm beaten.
It's all over for me.
"I have to do
whatever I have to do
"to get away from the evil,
soulless douchebags
"who populate this
filth-infested shit hole. "
"I dream about
lining up the ass-wipes
"who run this place
"and cutting off their dicks.
"Pardon my fucking French.
I guess they win.
"They've made me
into one of them.
"From one vicious
motherfucker to another.
"Good luck with the rest
of the second grade
and stay free.
"Your pal in the pen,
Nelson."
I'm sorry I missed
your letter, Billy.
Okay. Jane, you're next.
(DOOR BUZZING)
Hey, Nelson,
I'm gonna take a quick walk.
See you later.
(CLEARING THROAT)
You know,
it's times like this
when I think
about something
my dad once said to me.
He said, "Oh, God,
please don't kill me
"with the hammer,
Lynard, please."
(LYNARD EXCLAIMING)
Hey!
I don't need any help here.
Back off or you're next.
You're not part coon,
are you?
I'd have a lot more fun
doing this if you were
part coon.
MAN: Hey, let's hold it
down in here.
Sorry, no coon.
Mostly Dutch.
Well, I'm gonna kick you
in the face anyway, I guess.
(GROANING AND GRUNTING)
Ring around the rosy.
LYNARD: Well, hee-haw.
What have we here?
That's mine.
You're holding out
on your old pal Lynard.
No, Lynard, it's not that,
it's... It's my last fix.
Oh, yeah.
Please. Kill me
if you want, Lynard,
but please don't make me
face it sober.
Screw yourself, dickhead.
You don't need this
where you're going.
I'm begging you.
Don't do it.
Don't throw me
into the briar patch.
Do what?
If you weren't such
a white-supremacist asshole,
you would have read up
on your Uncle Remus.
I did what I had to do.
You heard the man.
Back up, boys.
Well, that was pretty
goddamn weird.
You know,
you're gonna get
another 20 years for that.
For what?
I didn't do anything.
He shot himself up.
I got the needle right here.
Fuck.
So the plot fucking thickens.
What did you say?
Hmm?
Nothing.
Did I say that out loud?
Oh shit, John.
They're all staring at me.
What do I do?
Just play it cool, amigo.
Hey, I got
something for you.
No, man, I don't want
any Biederman action.
What do you want?
I just wanted to say
I owe you one.
Lynard was
the kind of dickhead
who gives Nazis a bad name.
So anyway, from now on,
White Kingdom's got your back.
Yeah. Brother.
White Kingdom.
White Kingdom.
MAN: White Kingdom. Yeah.
What the hell is going on?
I think
you're tippy-top dog now.
That's ridiculous.
No one's scared of me.
Well, let's see.
Yo, cueball.
Your fat ass is stinking up
Biederman's seat.
Pop up.
Look, I don't want
no trouble.
Well,
that's good to hear, you...
Pussy.
Pussy.
So are you gonna move
or do my friends have
to move you for me?
Good, because I don't
take no crap from no
Lucian Freud-Iooking
pussies like you.
MAN: Hey. Get your fingers
out of my plate! You crazy?
Wow. I really, really
can't believe that worked.
(CELL DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR BANGING SHUT)
Of all the bathroom stalls
in all the correctional
facilities in all the world,
he walks into mine.
Haven't you heard the news,
Barry?
The news? Oh, yeah.
Barry finally pitches,
Pisces catches,
home team wins.
(SNICKERING)
Don't even think about it,
Barry.
That hurt, Nelson.
Not physically,
but I thought
we'd gotten past
this point
in our relationship.
What are you talking about?
Well,
over the last few months
I've started to
like you a lot.
Grown accustomed
to your face, if you will.
Thought you felt
the same way,
but I see now.
I've been living
in a fool's paradise.
Look, I should
really get back to...
Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
Is this how you treat
someone you love?
Choking them
in a men's room?
No.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Oh, shit!
Maybe I was thinking
you'd forget all about me
if you wasn't scared
I was gonna cut your nuts off.
Maybe behind the facade,
there's just
a scared little boy
who didn't never
get enough love.
Look, Barry...
I never thought...
Oh, just leave me alone.
Go to him.
Go to him.
Barry.
Barry.
Pisces.
Get him!
Kick his ass.
Let's go!
Stop!
Did he touch you, boss?
We'll gut him, right here.
(FARTS)
Yes, he touched me.
Sorry. That was me.
Keep going.
But not like that.
I'm giving him
a pass this time.
What are you ladies up to?
You, Lyshitski,
in the hole!
Are you kidding me?
I didn't even do anything.
They're over there.
I'm over here.
Don't you have eyes?
In the hole!
JOHN: The system
is one shifty prick.
You dodge right,
it shifts left.
You think you're on top of it,
suddenly you're underneath it.
The ass end
of the punch-line.
During my retreat,
Nelson had become
king of the crapper,
and nobody seemed to flinch.
Just the opposite.
They're eating up his
fancy-ass rich-boy act
like he was Ben & Jerry's
Heroin Chunk.
So at exactly
the appointed minute
when old LaRoche's
back is turned,
all the boys shoved
their books onto the floor.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Old LaRoche almost
had a heart attack.
He didn't know
what hit him.
Can't wait to see
your grand premiere, baby.
From the tippety,
cocksuckers!
Five, six, seven, eight...
(SINGING)
Go, John. Go, John.
(JOHN WHISTLING)
Phillips head.
Hey, John.
Hey.
Didn't see you there.
It's good to see you.
Yeah.
You know,
I've been meaning to
talk to you about something.
What's that?
Remember when
I first got in here?
I had the balls of a souffl,
I'll be honest with you.
But you changed that, John,
you really did.
Did I?
Yeah.
I owe everything that
I am today to you, John.
I really do.
I mean, you gave me
my self-esteem back.
I've got the love of a man.
Wow, good!
All the things
that you could want.
I found myself and
I just feel like
I really wanna
give you something,
John, I do.
Perfect! Yeah.
Can I get you
some cigarettes?
No. I'm good.
What about porn?
Cigarettes and porn?
No. I'm good.
John, you're the greatest.
I wanna say, from
the bottom of my heart...
Yeah?
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Hey, have some tea.
Hey, thanks.
Made it for you.
Okay.
All right, have fun.
Come on!
JOHN: How did this happen?
A few months ago,
I had his balls in a vise.
Now with his parole hearing
just around the bend,
it looks like he might
be taking his balls
and going home.
Hold still.
You got to look
good for court.
There you go.
You wanna go out tonight?
Me and some of the guys
were thinking about
going down
to the laundry room,
drinking some
toilet wine,
and beating up
some of the new guys.
Or we could just stay in
and drink toilet wine here.
We never go out anymore.
Well, I've got to
hand it to you, buddy.
You're a bigger man
than I thought you were.
They beat you up,
they robbed you
of your dignity,
they pissed in your food,
but they didn't break you.
And with the
revolving-door policy
of today's prison system,
you're probably gonna
get paroled tomorrow.
They pissed in my food?
What difference
does it make?
You're getting out tomorrow
and I'm proud of you.
Really?
Really.
In fact,
I snuck you in
a going-away present.
Good luck at your hearing.
I'll see you in 1-to-3.
Thank you, John.
Okay.
Couldn't have made it
in here without your help.
Why is it
already opened?
I opened it for you.
What for?
'Cause I'm a great guy
and I know
you had a real tough day.
You don't trust me?
After all
we've been through?
One friend can't give
another friend a soda
without that friend
thinking
the second friend
put a roofie in it?
Wow.
Well, that hurts, pal.
That hurts.
I've been
looking out for you
for almost a year now,
and then I bust my nuts
getting you
this goddamn fruity soda
and you think
I'm up to something?
Well, screw you, pal.
I thought we were friends.
I'm sorry, John.
God, this place
has really done
a number on me.
It has.
We are friends.
In fact, you might be
the best friend I've ever had.
That's it. Get it all.
Go for it.
The taste of freedom.
Oh, John, what would
this world be like without...
(RETCHING)
All right,
maestro, come on,
let's get him out of here.
We got to
put his new face on.
Wake up, Biederman.
Parole board's waiting.
Let's go.
So, Mr. Biederman,
do you feel you're ready
to re-enter society?
Absolutely.
Prison's made me a new man.
When I get out of here,
I intend to stand up
for what I know is right.
JOHN: When the parole board
gets through with der Fhrer,
two things
are going to happen.
One, they're gonna file
his early release form
right in between
Charles Manson
and the Unabomber's.
And two,
Nelson's going to
be pissed as hell at me.
Why'd you do it, John?
Amigo, I did it
for your own good.
Now hear me out
on this one, all right?
Listen, you got to sandbag
your first parole hearing,
because...
Okay, you want to know why?
I knew your dad.
What?
Yeah. The judge.
The man who made me
who I am today.
The same man who's going
to kill you right now.
What would you call that?
I'd call that pretty crazy,
isn't it?
No! It's ironic!
The word you want
is "ironic"!
(SCREAMS)
All right, cut the shit!
Get up, you mothers.
Get up, get up now!
Get him up against the wall!
Go, go, go!
(TASER GUNS BUZZING)
Get up! Get up!
You two pussies
gonna have a cage match
and I don't even
get an invitation?
Wow, that's selfish.
That's selfish.
'Cause goddamn it,
I want a front-row seat
to that catfight.
You two want to
kill each other?
Great, stupendous.
Save everybody else
around here the hassle.
But this is my prison.
I schedule the
extra-curricular activities.
And if you two
are going to fight,
I need some time
to get some action going.
So, how's...
How's Friday sound, huh?
Friday good? Say, rec yard?
Fight to the death?
Does that work for
you two dickheads?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Sounds like a yes to me.
Sounds like a yes.
Wait.
What do I win if I win?
If you lose, you die.
If you win, you die.
The difference is
I kill the winner.
It'll be quick.
JOHN: In one year,
I've proven that the machine
can warp a law-abiding,
spineless sack of shit
like Biederman
into a totally violent,
psychopathic and lethal
sack of shit.
The only flaw in my plan was
now I'm locked in a cage
with him.
Friday, the yard.
John versus Nelson.
Fight to the death.
Yeah, fight's gonna
takes place on the cistern.
Uh-huh.
That's awesome.
Hey, how much does
brain damage pay?
GUARD: Brain damage?
I don't know.
You gotta ask Shanahan.
He's taking the bets.
I'll put two cartons
on Richie Rich
taking Lyshitski down.
And this, too, fool.
Brain damage, three to two,
ear bit off, even money,
ear cut off, seven to five.
Damn,
you can cover
all that action?
Sure.
Only took me a second
to get the cash.
Second mortgage.
(WHISTLES)
Biederman,
you got a visitor!
(TASER GUN BUZZING)
(SCREAMS)
You're really getting
liberal with the Taser.
Congratulations, Barry.
I'm glad they let you out.
Parole board say
I seem like a new man.
I told them it was
all because of you.
Baby,
you the Ashford
to my Simpson.
The Peaches to my Herb.
The Shields to my Yarnell.
(SHUSHING)
Barry, you should be happy.
Barry, you're free.
You know
I can't be happy
without you, baby.
I was just thinking
about going postal over
at the Popeye's Chicken
so I can get locked
back up in here with
my sweet little Pisces.
I got to get you out.
That's very kind of you,
Barry,
but you've got
to listen to me.
The only way that
I'm getting out of here
is in a body bag.
It had better be a body bag
for two, goddamn it,
'cause I wanna be sewn
right in there with your ass.
That's very sweet, Barry.
I wish
there were something
I could do for you.
You're the closest thing
to family I've ever had.
Family...
Actually, Barry,
there is something
I can do for you.
Damn it.
Damn it!
WOMAN: Mr. Hinkley, you have
a telephone call on line one
and there's a gentleman
here to see you.
He doesn't
have an appointment.
Well, tell him to wait.
Hello.
NELSON: Hello, Duane.
Nelson, is that you?
You allowed to make
phone calls now?
Only to my lawyer.
I want out. Now.
I'm sorry, sir.
There's nothing we can do.
Our hands are tied.
Well, in that case,
I'll just have to
turn control
of the Foundation
over to my son
and, in accordance with
the Foundation's charter,
he'll be the one running
things for me until I'm out.
I'm sorry,
did you say your son?
Oh, I adopted a young man
I met in prison. He's out now.
Everything's nice
and legal, Duane.
I think
you'll enjoy working for him.
He's a real sweetheart.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
What the hell are you doing
in my office, biatch?
Mr. Shanahan.
Sir.
If you have knowledge
of anything untoward
happening amongst
the inmate population,
I will not hesitate
to put your ass in a grinder!
(CLEARING THROAT)
I'm just tugging
your nuts.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh.
Give me 50 bucks
on that preppy asshole.
Oh, Warden, that is
my sense of humor
right there, Warden.
(INMATES CLAMORING)
All right!
You both know the rules!
Whoever dies first loses!
CROWD: Nelson! Nelson!
Nelson! Nelson!
MAN 1: Get your ass up!
MAN 2: Get him!
Get him, man!
Laotian-style.
Yeah?
I like Cambodian rules.
(GRUNTING)
Wow, that is so cool.
I saw a dress made
out of credit cards
in Vanity Fair
a couple of years ago.
That's what
gave me the idea.
I like it.
I got one for you.
(SCREAMING)
What is that?
Industrial disinfectant.
They got a shit load
in the workroom.
See you in hell, Lyshitski!
You bet, bud.
Don't do it, John.
I won't if you won't.
You know, you taught me
a lot of things, John.
The most important thing
you taught me,
never trust anybody.
All right, ladies,
we're on lockdown!
Dead.
All right,
get them out of here
before they start stinking.
DUANE: Here's the rest
of the necessary paperwork.
As Mr. Biederman's only heir,
you're entitled
to the entire trust.
Well,
money can't fix
a broken heart.
Okay.
Well, it's $8 million.
Well, I guess
that will take out
a little of the sting.
(GASPING)
The only way that
I'm getting out of here
is in a body bag.
Pigeon saliva
mixed with bat guano,
and tar as an emulsifier.
It won't kill you,
my friend,
but it will put you
in a stupor.
More of a coma, really.
Up to three days.
Trust me,
that'll do the trick.
What took you so long?
Hey, come on.
Give me a break, baby.
I had to wait for all those
white people to leave.
All right.
Let's go.
Hey, wait a minute now.
Deal's a deal.
If you lose, you die.
If you win, you die.
The difference is
I kill the winner.
It'll be quick.
We're fucked.
We got to work together.
Okay, but don't fuck me
on this one.
Yeah. Trust me,
that'll do the trick.
Thanks, amigo.
Well, hold on,
now, baby duck,
there is such a thing
as karma.
We don't want to get
on the wrong side of that.
We got the rest
of our lives to live.
I don't think so.
Hey, wait a minute, now.
If it wasn't for this asshole,
we would've never met.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, thank God.
I got to drop a deuce
like no one's business.
All right,
so that's it, John.
We're even. All right?
Yeah.
Let's go, Barry.
JOHN: You know, there aren't
a shit load of prison stories
you'd wanna tell
your grandkids,
but this one definitely
falls into that category.
Hey,
you think I could
grab a ride from you guys?
(LAUGHING)
Can you believe this guy?
(SIGHS)
NELSON: Well, Barry and I
are big fans
of Wine Aficionado magazine
and I have to confess
that we are very eager
to hear your opinion.
Be careful for what
you wish for, gentlemen.
That first sniff
unlocks the door.
Oh, and that second sniff
invites you in, sits you down,
and gives you
a foot massage.
Watch yourself.
What is it that I detect?
A trace of ammonia
or some other sort
of disinfectant?
No, it's ammonia.
I see. Well, then
I'm done with it.
You haven't even
tasted it yet.
Precisely.
Well, at least
let us introduce you
to our head vintner.
He came up with...
Gentlemen, I don't
need to taste your wine
nor meet your head vintner
to confidently proclaim
that this wine
is a piece of shit...
A little piece of heaven?
Ken Kennedy, head vintner.
See,
we're a family here
and our grapes
are a part of that family.
And they know that
we'd do anything for them.
For instance,
if some outsider,
say, some shit-eating
fruit fly were to come in here
and mess with them
in any way whatsoever,
we, and by "we" I mean
me and my brothers
over there,
would stop at nothing
to protect them,
and they know that.
So that is why I think
you're gonna score
Baby Duck wine 100 out of 100
on your next review.
Because you can taste
the love in every sip.
Okay?
Yes, I...
Of course. 100 it is.
Do you hear that?
BARRY: Drink up, bitches.
(GAGGING)
Goddamn,
is that sweet.
(MO VE THIS PLAYING)
(SINGING)
Come on!
Come on, John.
John, isn't this great?
Shake that body
for me, Johnny.
Come on, Lyshitski.
(MELLOW SONG PLAYING)
(FUNKY POP SONG PLAYING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)