1
(WOMEN MOANING)
DEENA: I like that,
that's good.
KIM: Oh, yeah.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
DEENA: Do you...
Do you have... You know...
(KIM MOANING)
KIM: Wait, wait.
Two seconds, I'll be right back.
BOTH: Do you have a condom?
No. Crap!
Dude, I've been looking
for that nightie everywhere.
KIM: Are you sure it's not mine?
I've had it forever.
DEENA: It looks better
on your boobs anyway.
Thanks.
DEENA: Who do you
have in there anyway?
I didn't even
hear you come in.
Oh, I'm with that Australian
surfer with the neck tattoos.
Ooh! Checkmate!
What about you?
Who do you have in there?
Uh...
Beet face.
You're having
anonysex with a guy
you met in
the Costco parking lot?
DEENA: I already told him
he couldn't stay over
'cause I got to get
up early to write.
Oh, totally.
God, where is that stash?
I know it's somewhere.
Oh! Found them!
There's only one left.
How did that happen?
We just bought these!
Dibs!
I'm ovulating!
What?
It's true!
I never work out
on the fifteenth day
of my cycle because
I get pains in my side,
and if you remember correctly, Kim,
I did not work out yesterday.
What? What am I supposed to do?
Raw dog a random?
Don't be a douche nozzle!
(SIGHS)
Pull and pray, baby!
MARC: All right, Kim, were
you gonna do me, or what?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(INAUDIBLE)
Three o'clock, dude.
That sleaze weasel's
eyegasming all over your face.
Really?
Yeah.
He I
Hi! Y"
Stoplights, huh?
Yeah. Stoplights.
I love them. (GIGGLES)
So do we.
It's crazy!
Crazy.
I'm Ivan and this
is my friend, Ivan.
Well, hello, lvans.
Hello.
So, we're headed to this little
party up in the hills this evening.
You girls wanna join?
Why don't you
give us the details?
(BABY CRYI NG)
Is it too much to ask
for a date with a guy
other than the one
I gave birth to?
Oh, come on.
Where is my friend who shares
my mutual suffering
of high self-esteem?
KIM: She smells like milk,
puke and diaper ointment.
Oh, hey, Billy, will you come
help me with Max's stroller?
Sure, Kim.
Okay. There you go.
Thank you.
(BILLY GRUNTS)
Hey!
Hey.
I found a job on Craigslist
that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
Laura, I love you, but raw fish?
Nudity? What would Jesus say?
Lefsleave
the Lord out of this.
Oh, God.
Hey! I found a job on Craigslist
that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
No, I think I'm good.
Oh, Dr. Katie's on.
DEENA: Did you say
Dr. Katie's on?
Hi, buddy.
As a sexpert, I recommend regular
sex once a week, at least.
If you can't procure sex,
visit your gynecologist,
and he can suggest
certain solutions.
(MAX VOMITS)
Oh! Oh!
BOTH: Ew!
Max, my favorite shirt!
Baby puke is pretty
much just breast milk.
Just hand me the napkins.
I saw Kelly Ripa
eat breast-milk cheese
on LIVE! the other day,
with a pickle on it.
That's disgusting.
It also comes in dolphin,
bear, monkey and worms.
Worms? Ew.
Laura, it is so weirdly hypocritical
that you watch this stuff.
It's like an anorexic
watching Top Chef.
Make fun of me all you want
for being a virgin,
okay, but at least
you'll never hear me say,
"I had sex with some guy last
night and he didn't call me,"
or "I got pregnant again,"
or "I got chlamydia."
Ooh! Snap.
Ask your insurance provider
if they'll cover this-
(VIBRATING)
(ECHOING)
You need it, Kim.
Oh, I really need to
get more sleep.
(WHIRRING)
Hey.
Hey!
I made this for you.
Thank you.
You are saving my life.
Have you seen
the baby monitor?
Uh, yeah, I think
it's in the rotter.
That's what three hours of
sleep a night'll do to you.
Yeah, here it is. Rotting.
So, tonight is
Marc's night with Max,
which means I have
no morning duty,
which means Mommy is gonna
get hammered tonight. Yeah!
Are you sure
that's safe?
I'll pump and dump and use
my new Milkscreen strips.
They let you know when it's
safe to breast-feed again.
It's the best
invention ever.
Mom of the year
right here yo.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, God. Francesca.
"In addition to
my diuretic pills,
"go by the mall
and pick up something
"young and hip looking for me to
wear to the greyhound party."
(GAGGING)
Will you guys meet me
at the mall later?
Can't,
I have naked sushi.
Yes. And that
woman is hideous.
You shouldn't have
to deal with her.
She has you running
around like a chicken!
I know, but I'm a chicken
with paychecks and benefits.
See you guys later.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait. Breakfast.
Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Marc, I swear to God, you're the
most unreliable person I know.
Why are you always late?
What do you expect?
I'm driving across town from Venice.
Well, I've got a million things
to do and that's all before work.
So, here's the diaper
bag, his diapers,
bottles, toys,
he should be fine.
What's the matter with you?
(SIGHS)
We need to talk.
Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!
I got the e-mail
from LA Weekly, man!
I can't read it,
I can't read it.
You have to read it for me,
you have to read it for me.
Sit, sit, sit.
Read, read, read.
(EXHALES)
"Dear Ms. Deena Gold, thank you so
much for your recent submission,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the Bitches.'
"As you know, we review thousands
of submissions weekly.
"Unfortunately,
we cannot accept..."
(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab
myself in the face.
Please don't.
"However, we think the
excerpt from your book,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the Bitches..."'
That title is way too long...
However, however.
"Will be the perfect
inaugural headliner
"for our online edition
featuring new voices."
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
Oh, I'm in!
Okay, get up,
I have work to do.
Okay. Here we go.
Marc, I thought we were gonna at
least try to raise the kid together.
It'd be career suicide to turn
down a Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.
You understand that?
Can we get your scrawl?
Oh, yeah, sure.
BOY: Thanks, man.
Sure.
See? I'm blowing up.
What about when
you come back?
Well, if I come back.
I got things, you know?
I think he's
better off without me.
I'm doing
the right thing here.
I'm ripping it off fast,
like a Band-Aid. Okay?
Peace, all right? Okay.
All right. Be well.
(GURGLING)
(SHUSHING)
KIM: I feel like a big
slab of hamburger
that's been
mushed into a human.
This was, like,
my one day a week
to feel like
a normal human being.
Now, I'm like, seriously a mom
now, like seven days a week.
That is kind of
how it works.
Well, I know,
but what am I gonna do?
Look, lots of women have been
exactly where you are right now.
You can still have everything
you've always wanted,
and your kid is gonna respect
the hell out of you for it.
Huh?
Let's get a massage.
(MOANING)
I am so getting one of these when
I get my first big paycheck.
I don't care how
nouveau riche it is.
(MAX CRYING)
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
Oh, God, yes!
(DEENA MOANING)
That's okay, baby.
I guess I can
breast-feed in here.
And it's the perfect place to find
something hideous for your boss.
You know, it used to
be that a very select,
few lucky people
got to see my boobs,
and now I whip them out
everywhere like they're udders.
So wean him.
Breast milk is free
and I'm broke.
Oh, God! This is so hard.
Nobody tells you it's gonna be so hard!
Yes, they do, Kim.
That's pretty much all people say.
Not to mention I haven't had
contact with a man in over a year.
Well, I think
we have a winner.
All right.
Let's just go.
Don't get mad at me
for saying this,
but I think you'd
feel better if you'd
go back into launching
your doggy mall.
How am I supposed
to do that?
What about Francesca?
What's the point of working for the
bitch if she's not gonna invest?
I just think part of what's getting
you down, Kim, is that, you know,
you're not
really doing anything.
I mean, career-wise,
career-wise.
I have been making inroads with
Francesca, okay? I mean...
Fine, not specifically, but
we're in the same industry.
She might invest.
Okay.
Okay, I have an idea.
Let's get into
some old-school trouble.
Really?
Yeah.
Let's drop Max off
with Laura, get Brazilians,
pick up some
really hot dudes.
Okay.
Good.
Well, Laura can't.
She's got Bible school fellowship.
Oh, that sucks.
I know.
Deena! Deena!
DEENA: Hey, Jayde!
Oh, my God, I haven't
seen you since last year!
I know.
Kings of Leon backstage.
Kaleb still talks about
that night in room 210.
Oh, my God.
We were such groupies, man, it was...
Gross!
Gross! Yeah.
You look amazing,
I mean, obvi, you always do.
So do you, you look great.
Thanks, I really need that.
I just broke with my boyfriend.
He said I was cheating
on with my BlackBerry.
What are you doing? You still managing bands?
What's happening?
I'm doing it all.
I'm repping bands,
and I'm consulting on a clothing
line with a girl from Paris.
Are you doing anything tonight?
No.
One of my bands is opening
up for Bon Iver tonight.
Come, come, come.
It'll be so much fun!
I love Bon Iver, he's so good.
I'm a big fan!
We'll make a night of it!
BOTH: (SINGING) We can
have vodka soda no ice!
Why did you walk away?
Who was that pop-tard?
I told you about her, dude.
I met her at that Type A seminar
when you were pregnant.
She's funny. You'd like her.
She's nice.
I bet I'd love her.
Thanks for introducing me and Max.
What did you say to her?
I gotta go.
Sweetie, I've been
waiting for you.
Did you get me my slamming little
outfit, size zero for the party?
Yep. I went to the
hippest store at the mall
Uh-huh.
Oh, by the way, Benny, the little
terrier's doggy parents called,
and they said that he
pee-peed in his crate again.
Francesca,
he's just a puppy...
We can't go against what the dog
parents want. You know that.
You know that.
Anyway, we have
a new celeb client.
His name's Spreweli
or something.
He's in some Disney movie and some
Asian cartoons. I never saw them.
I'm ready to dictate.
All right. Darling SJP...
Thank you so much
for your generous donation.
How are you and the twins?
I'm sure that
you'll be with us
for our star-studded
spectacular event...
Okay, what was after the...
Is that a...
Is that a baby on your back?
Is it not bring
your baby to work day?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I'm just kidding.
Francesca meet Max,
Max meet Francesca.
I didn't know
you had a baby.
I never would have hired you
if I knew you had a baby.
I'm so sorry, Francesca, but I promise
you won't even know he's here.
He's just the most
mellow little guy,
and I wouldn't
have brought him,
but I had
this situation...
It doesn't matter
how well-behaved it is!
This is a place of business.
You can't bring your baby to a place of business.
I know. I'm really sorry,
Francesca...
Save your song and dance
for someone who cares.
Just get out of my sight
before I fire you.
Francesca...
Just go now.
Okay. I'm sorry.
She better be. Yes, Tinsly
doesn't like the baby either.
Tinsie doesn't like the babies.
No babies for Tinsly.
Gimme a kiss.
Give Mommy a kiss right here.
Tinsly, I love you.
You're the only one who understands me.
Hey. Hi, you little guy.
How are you?
Hi, Pop POP-
Hi, baby.
Boy, the last time
I saw you this depressed
was when you got
stood up on prom night.
I got it.
You got it?
Yeah. I got him.
I got him.
I don't have my purse.
You got it? Okay.
You hanging in there?
I don't know what
I'm doing, Pop Pop.
(DOOR OPENING)
How do you lose your shoes
caught in a rug?
I'm starving!
DEENA: Me too!
(FAINT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
Yeah, marshmallows!
Whoever invented Rice
Krispy treats is a genius.
Housewives, dude.
The undersung heroes.
But, seriously.
How do you make them?
In a pot?
Nobody uses pots any more.
We'll put them in a bowl, and then
we'll put them in the microwave.
I have a bowl!
(SCREECHING)
(GROANS)
Four minutes
and 20 seconds.
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(MAX CRYING)
God, you've gotta
be kidding me!
(MAX CONTINUES CRYING)
(WHIRRING)
Where the heck
are my keys?
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING
ON RADIO)
Found them. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
Are there any
more burritos?
I don't think there are
any more, dude, sorry.
Guess I'll just eat
a hot sauce packet.
So, how are you?
(GRUNTS) I've been better.
How about you? How's naked sushi?
They actually wanted me
to be naked, so I quit,
but I already have another
job, Valet of the Dolls
I think I've seen that on
Hollywood's Sleaziest Jobs.
It's that girl's
valet company, right?
Yeah. $25 an hour just
to park cars, plus tips.
I saw a woman
wearing a full burqa
going into a bikini
waxing place today,
and I thought of you.
Okay, I would love to stay and
hang out with you, sweetheart.
I'm sorry this stupid thing doesn't
work, but I gotta go get dressed.
You know what? Me too.
Me three.
But, guys!
Somebody has to babysit.
Well, dude, I stayed with Max
for the last weird dog event.
No, you didn't! It was that adopt an
incontinent cocker spaniel thing,
and you hit on Simon Rex
in the bathroom.
Shit!
KIM: Guys.
I would give anything
not to go tonight,
but, unfortunately,
if I wanna keep my job,
I have to be out
the door in six minutes.
Please, can you just work
it out amongst yourselves?
Play for it?
I never win.
Chicken? (CLUCKS)
Fine.
Here. Deal.
You can be kind
of scary sometimes.
No, you didn't do
a burn card, dude. Redo.
Redo. Redo that.
Okay.
All in.
DEENA: Cheater.
Sorry for not being sorry.
Guess it's just me
and you, kid. Ante up.
HEY-
HEY-
Just checking on you.
You know, it's not fun in there at all.
Really?
Yeah.
Come in when you're done.
Okay.
Hey! You're Deena's friend.
Rocking event! And such a great cause.
It's Stanton.
Jayde Stanton plus three.
Right. Okay.
Yeah. Who let the dogs in?
(IMITATES DOG BARKING)
Barry Robert Philips.
Francesca's one of my dearest
and closest friends.
Of course she is. Enjoy. Thanks.
Who put the dogs in...
Woof, woof. What's up?
Listen, we are on the list...
Probably under Wellingood.
Saul, first name.
Saul Wellingood.
Saul Wellingood.
I'm sorry,
it's not on the list.
Why don't you check our
friend, Leakin comma Rufus?
Rufus Leakin?
Guys, come on, that's not even funny.
Here's the truth,
we're not on the list,
but my grandfather
was a racing greyhound.
And he passed away
due to greyhound bloat.
He was very close to me,
and my grandmother and he
died of greyhound bloat.
They said to
wait up front.
It's gonna be three of us.
That's all, just us three,
there's not a lot of guys here.
And we just wanna
pay tribute
to all of those that have lost
their lives to the bloat.
They're harmless.
I promise.
Speak for yourself.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm Johnny Danger.
You know what? It's fine.
Fantastic!
Yes! Whoo!
Do I get a...
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
SERGEI: All right,
party people!
Your name?
WOMAN: Grossman.
Okay.
Hey, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Forgot my stamp.
Oh.
Thank you.
When you get done with the clipboard,
maybe I can buy you a drink?
It's actually
an open bar, so...
Even better. I can
request you a drink
and then serve it to you
on a little drink napkin.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay. I'll see you
inside. Thank you.
Hi. Sorry.
Yoga pose, plus baby-
Good for inner core.
Tests balance.
Lunges, plus baby,
adds twenty pounds.
Cuts your reps in half.
Oh, oh!
No, it's so gross! God!
Let's go get cleaned up.
You like being naked, Max, don't you?
Yes, you do.
You and every other man.
Huh? Heel
(COOING)
DEENA: Deena's baby
workout video, colon.
Bench press
makes baby nauseous.
Keep this on the DL, Max.
This shit's gonna make me a millionaire.
Kim. This...
This dress you got me,
you would actually
really wear this?
Yeah.
People have been giving me
weird looks all night.
Maybe it's my coat.
Do I still look 21-year-old hot?
You look the same as always.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
We made a shitload of money
for those greyhounds.
I'm convinced
that in our lifetime,
we're gonna see the eradication
of greyhound bloat.
In our lifetime.
You're such a sheeple.
You're bringing the whole party down.
Give... That's my coat.
Go get a drink. God, you're boring.
Are you sure?
I think so.
Okay. Thanks, Francesca.
You're welcome.
First thing in the morning, I need
you to focus on that PETA event.
Okay.
All right?
Hi!
And don't ever bring
your baby to work again.
All right? Yeah. Yeah.
Again, I'm really
sorry about that.
It just, it makes me crazy
nowadays that people have children
when there are so many dogs
that need forever homes.
Yeah. I understand...
Doesn't it drive you crazy when
you see pictures of Heidi Klum
and she's bounced back so
quick after having four kids?
HEY, gorgeous.
Barry Robert Philips!
Oh, my God,
you're gorgeous.
I'm kind of mad
at you, though.
Laura!
LAURA: Oh, my gosh!
Kim. Thank goodness
you are done.
Can we please,
please go home?
Come on. Let's stay. I'm not in
sweatpants, and I never get to go out.
(GROANS)
Ooh! He's cute!
Who?
Over there.
Oh, my God! I know!
I met him outside.
He's walking over here right now.
What?
Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Good luck.
No. Laura, don't go.
Don't leave me!
Work it out.
Work it out.
Hey.
Oh!
Hi!
Hi.
I didn't see you coming over here.
I was just texting somebody.
Well, I'm Nicholas. I didn't get a
chance to introduce myself earlier.
(CHUCKLES)
And you are?
Kim. Sorry. Kim.
Kim is my name.
Hi, Kim.
Hi.
So, you work for
the Greyhound Association?
Well, I work for the woman who
throws these weird dog events
And she also has a dog walking
company, so I sort of
am a dog walker
slash personal assistant,
slash loser,
peon, mole person.
Did you always wanna be
a loser, peon, mole person
when you grew up?
Well, ever since
I was little,
I've always wanted to open
the world's first doggy mall.
I even commissioned
an architectural model.
(LAUGHS) What the hell
is a "doggy mall"?
You know, it's like
a full-sized mall,
but all the stores
cater to dogs.
Okay.
Whatever. My plans are
kind of on the back burner.
Why are they on
the back burner?
Because
life happens.
Well...
Cheers.
To life happening.
Lift the baby
and feel the burn.
Then, go into a slow squat
to get your ass
lifted like no other.
I feel like I haven't flirted
with a girl in, like, five years.
So, you're flirting with me?
Is that what's going on?
You're flirting.
I am not flirting!
Yes, you are.
You're blushing.
Well, you're
sweating profusely.
You're breaking out in hives.
Am I really?
No, I'm kidding.
No. It's not funny.
I sometimes do
break out in hives
if I get, like...
It's not contagious.
It's just like, if I get nervous or something.
Come on. Clearly I'm the
one who should be nervous.
Dude.
Sergei's on the phone with his old lady.
His kid has diarrhea.
Hi.
Hi.
He's freaking out.
Unbelievable.
The one night
I decide to go out since the kid
was born and he has to get sick?
Is it coincidence? I don't think...
I swear he's out to get me.
Yeah, I can tell.
I can see it in his eyes, you know?
You know, with those
creepy, little baby hands...
He's vindictive.
It's over. It's all over,
my sex life, my guys'
nights out. This is...
It's done. It's done.
Promise me you will sooner out
off your balls than have kids.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I'm gonna get my car.
(SIGHS)
All right,
we gotta go then.
Yes! We?
Sorry. Sergei
used to be normal.
Kids! What a buzzkill, huh?
But I had a great time.
I'm just awkward.
What are you... What?
Oh, sorry,
you have something on the...
Oh, that's just puke.
It's baby puke.
My roommate has a baby.
And, sometimes,
you know, sometimes...
That's what they do.
Kids! What a buzzkill, right?
(DISTORTED)
So, listen...
Hey.
Laura!
We have to go.
I thought you
really wanted to stay.
Yeah, remember,
I have to do that thing.
What thing?
Bye. We gotta go.
LAURA: Deena!
KIM: (SHUSHING)
Max's probably sleeping.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Let me sleep,
you freaks.
Wake up.
You have to hear this.
Kim was talking to a guy, and
she lied about having a baby.
What?
I didn't mean to.
It just came out.
But you should
have seen him.
He was really hot.
Like a Greek statue.
Don't say that.
Those guys suffer from small cocks.
Only because the small penis was
seen as a sign of refinement.
Big ones were vulgar.
Plus the Olympics
were done naked,
so they didn't want
shit flapping around...
What?
Guys! I feel horrible.
I lied about being a mom.
I lied to get
a guy to like me.
I'm one of those lame girls who
jack it up for the rest of us.
Dude, he would
have turned tail
if he knew anyway,
and that is the truth.
Are you sure?
Yes. Totally.
Well, you guys didn't
even exchange e-mails.
Yeah, maybe.
You're never gonna
see this guy again, man.
He looked fine,
so what, whatever.
Right. You're probably right.
I am right.
Yeah. Right.
Yes.
Yeah.
Right?
LAURA: Yes!
Guys;
Kim!
I don't know.
I do.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SERGEI: I've got some
not so great news for you.
Melanie's lawyers
are requesting
that you keep
paying for her facials,
because it was your idea
to move to Los Angeles
and that's what
makes her skin so dry.
But, you know, I get...
Wait. Can she do that?
We all told you
she was a bitch.
Nobody told me
she was a bitch.
Not to your face,
but we all thought it.
So, how long is she
gonna drag this out for?
(SIGHS) Unfortunately, in
the state of... Gummi Bear?
No. I'm good.
Green. No, orange.
Unfortunately,
in the state of California,
you have got to wait six...
Now, this is all lawyer speak, okay? Jargon.
But you have to wait
six months, I think,
from the time you...
You have to wait.
Come on, I just wanna
move on with my life.
I want the same thing, Nick.
You think I don't want that?
You think I don't want you
to sow your wild oats?
I need you out there, man!
Bringing in
some new pussy blood!
I mean, bringing in new...
Get new...
New pussy and new blood.
Separately.
You know, newness, new chicks.
Look, my point is,
I've got to live vicariously
through someone. Right? Okay?
And look at you, you're
handsome, it makes sense.
What are my other options?
Henfi?
Come on, look at that guy.
He's a hot mess.
Yeah.
He's into some
funky shit, man.
You should hear some of his
stories, they're amazing.
So, how did this happen?
My parents got divorced
and I said to myself,
"I'm not gonna let
this happen to me," and...
Listen, divorces are
never easy, you know.
I mean, sometimes they can be.
Yours is not. Definitely not.
The point is, you need to
take care of yourself.
You know? Do something to
keep your mind off of things.
Look out for you.
What about that girl
you met the other night?
The little cutie at
the bar at that dog thing?
The bloat?
She didn't have the bloat.
But, you know...
I didn't get
her number, but
I know who she works for.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
One new message.
Yeah. Hi, darling, listen,
we have a new client.
A single doggy daddy with a
250-pound mastiff named Bishop.
You know what they say
about men with big dogs...
I think that's the
expression. Anyway...
bishop?
Hi, buddy.
Sit. Sit.
Sit. Sit. Good boy.
Sorry. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy? Hi, there.
Hey!
(SCREAMS)
You!
You!
What are you doing here?
This is my house!
Are you stalking me?
I swear this is
just a coincidence!
Really? You expect me to...
Okay. I'm... (LAUGHING) I
can't keep this up, I'm so...
You ran out so fast
the other night,
I didn't get your number, so I
just called and requested you.
And I thought
that it'd be funny.
And you would think I was funny
and then we'd laugh and ha-ha...
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
It played out so much
more romantic in my head.
Do you still want me
to walk your dog?
No. I just got
done walking him.
It's a nice place.
Did you just move in or something?
I'm in a sort of
transition right now.
It's a long, boring story, trust me.
That must be your
roommate's baby?
I take him to work sometimes
when she's busy.
He's a handsome little guy.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, buddy.
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHING)
Anywho, now that
I got you here.
Would you like to go
to dinner on Friday?
I said yes.
DEENA: Nice.
Yeah. And I kinda asked him
to bring a friend for you.
Please go with me.
I can't do this alone.
Sure, I'll be a part of
the get Kim laid brigade.
The friend better be hot and Ivy League.
Did you scratch again?
I scratched again.
Jesus, Kim.
Dude, I had a window.
Maybe I should have come clean.
Why'? Out of some sense
of moral obligation?
No, I mean, he obviously really
likes me enough to track me down.
It was kind of romantic, and
now I'm being a sleaze ball.
Come on. Guys have been doing this crap for years.
Hit it and quit it.
It's not like you're
gonna marry him.
Oh! Gosh!
Where the heck
did I put my keys?
Oh!
Yes!
What?
Oh, it's for
Valet of the Dolls.
You look like
a prostitute.
You look like Jennifer Aniston
in Friends with Money.
KIM: Have you seen
The Night Porter?
DEENA: Are you dating
Marilyn Manson?
Are you going trick or treating?
Happy Halloween.
Did you kill him with
a candlestick holder?
Hey, Laura,
what's "make love"?
Something your girlfriend
does while you bang her.
Are you really a virgin?
You guys are random.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right. Watch this.
WOMAN 1: "Mommy and Me"
is so important to us
"for developing your
infant's cognitive skills.
WOMAN 22 Yeah.
And it's a great way
of training at any time.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.
Why is that lady late?
Oh, sorry,
sorry, guys.
Welcome.
Hi.
I just wanna invite you
to get comfortable and relax.
Okay. Sorry, guys.
(GRUNTS)
Okay, let's pick up
where we left off.
Hester.
Hi, I'm Hester.
MOM: Hi, Hester.
And I've been doing yoga
for a really long time,
and I just thought it'd be great
to bring some om to the womb.
As most of you know, I'm Patti,
and we love this class,
because it falls
perfectly between
Lil' Gym and
Survival Swim class.
And you?
I'm sorry.
You could just share
with us both of your names
and what brings
you here today.
I'm Kim.
Hi, Kim.
HESTERI Hi, Kim.
Hi. And this
is my baby, Max.
And I'm here
because I have a date,
and I wanna get
into slamming shape,
and what other exercise classes
can you bring a kid to?
Right?
Okay.
(ALL CHANTING)
(CRYING)
Sorry.
(SHUSHING)
You are making quite a name for
yourself with our female readers.
That last column on why men who
are married to high-powered women
with multiple degrees
often cheat
with exotic dancers
to mollify their
own power insecurities
caught the eye of one of
my contacts at Seal Press.
The same publishing company
who did Gender Outlaws?
That's the one.
They're interested in
hearing your book pitch.
Come on!
Holy flying
mother of God!
Oh!
Hey! I just wanted to say you
have nothing to worry about.
You have a lovely figure.
Oh, thanks.
Seriously.
Don't you just
love these classes?
I think it's so important to
have the support of other moms.
And JJJ just loves it.
JJJ?
Jessica Jennifer Justice.
My husband Brock and I
were always laughing,
with a name like that,
she's gonna be a lawyer!
And what about this little guy?
What are you gonna be?
Well, I was probably
just gonna let him decide.
Do you know how many kids in my
high school committed suicide
'cause they didn't know
what they wanted to do?
Direction is really the
greatest gift we can give them.
Are you guys
free for a playdate?
Okay, chubbo, there you go.
You, little fatty.
PATTI: Is that
your friend Max?
Whatever.
How did you do that?
That thing has literally never turned on.
We have that same one.
It sticks, you gotta jam the button.
Oh, my God, thank you!
So where are you and your husband
going on your big date tonight?
It's a guy that I just met.
I'm not married.
Oh!
Wow! How do you think
that's gonna affect Max?
You know, having
a constant stream of men
coming in and
out of your life?
Well, lwouldn't necessarily call
it a constant stream of men,
I mean, I wish, right?
God, a single mother!
That is a cross to bear.
I think about
that all the time,
how hard this would be
to do alone.
I mean, I know I'm so
lucky to have Brock.
Do you have family
at least to help?
Actually, my parents died
when I was little,
so I was raised by
my Pop Pop.
Oh, my God,
you poor thing!
No, no, it's fine.
I've always
kind of done things
a little differently.
It's kinda like my thing.
Winston Churchill, St.
Augustine, Floyd Mayweather, 50 Cent,
Jack Nicholson, Barack Obama and
my cousin Taylor were all bastards
and they turned out
just fine.
Women carry the baby, they birth
the baby, they feed the baby.
Fathers are
totally antiquated.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) I don't actually
think that fathers are antiquated.
Really? That's so weird,
'cause I'm pretty sure
it was you
who helped me come up with my chapter
of "Fathers Are Antiquated."
Patti, meet Deena.
Deena, this is Patti.
Hi!
Hi.
Look at me. After I had JJJ, I just
realized I couldn't do it all.
I mean, you gotta
shift your priorities.
It's a full time job, even
with a husband, being a mom.
I was trying to go to work,
then go to a playdate,
then go to Mommy and Me,
change a diaper, still see friends,
I was gonna lose my mind.
I was gonna lose my mind.
Yeah, it does seem
overwhelming sometimes,
especially now that he's
getting so much bigger.
I know, 'cause then they know
when you're not there, right?
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you both
propagating these myths?
We live in a time where women
can finally have it all.
Sexual empowerment, a great
career, money, family
and a man at home with dishpan
hands if she so desires, or not.
This is a really, really
exciting time for women.
Says the woman who doesn't have kids.
Right, Kim?
Oh, you know what?
I gotta go.
She needs a nap and
I gotta start dinner,
but thank you
so much for this.
And please, promise me
you're gonna call me
and you're gonna
come to Caf Chez Bb,
because you're gonna love it.
There's babies,
and moms and coffee,
and it's crazy
and it's cathartic.
Sure. Okay.
Okay. Love it.
Let us walk you out.
Oh! Mickey.
So, call me next week
or something?
This was so good.
Great. Thank you.
It was so fun.
Say bye.
(IMITATES KISSING)
Oh, I think
they are in love.
See you later. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
I thought she'd never leave.
What a sanctimommy!
Can you be nice?
What? Like she was to you?
"A cross to bear"? Are you kidding me'?
Okay, she didn't
mean it like that.
And, you know, I could use
a couple of mom friends.
Why?
Because, Deena,
believe it or not,
there are certain things
that I can't get from you.
Like what?
Okay. You know I've never
taken Max's temperature
because we thought
that you had to do it anally.
Well, she just gave me
these little strips,
and all you do is like
stick it on his forehead.
And she also fixed
the bouncing chair
and, I don't know,
other stuff.
Christ, Kim,
pretty soon you're gonna be
watching soap operas
in your sneaker clogs
and talking about Max's bowel
movements like they're fine art.
Well, it's not like you don't
have separate friends.
I heard you telling
Jayde or whatever about
your big meeting and
you didn't even tell me.
Whatever. She's obviously
way more fabulous than I am.
Dude, we just haven't been
home at the same time.
I mean, what do
you wanna know?
Well, nothing now, because
I have to go, all right?
We'll talk about it
later at the group date.
Okay.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey.
Yikes, who died?
Oh, sorry, it's nothing.
What's up?
I just scored us VIP passes for
The National at a private venue.
You're kidding me?
No, I'm for real serious.
I can't tonight, man,
I got plans.
I got another call
coming in, tchose!
Hey, I just scored VIP passes for
The National at a private venue.
No way, take me.
This seat is taken.
Move on, please.
Thank you. Move along.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Group date!
Oh. Sorry.
Yay!
Yay.
How was the rest
of your day?
Well, work sucked.
I breast-fed in a gas station
bathroom, so that was awesome.
I just dropped
Max off with Laura.
So you wanna hear
about my meeting?
Oh, right. I'm sorry,
I totally forgot.
Pauline got me
a meeting to...
Can I get a glass
of water, please?
...Pitch "Separating Yourself
from the Bitches,"
which clearly
you're not interested in
hearing about,
so I'll just shut up.
Deena, I'm sorry,
please forgive me
for having other
things on my mind,
like the fact that this
guy is about to show up
and I'm gonna have to blatantly
lie to him all night.
I know,
but I'm here for support
'cause you can't do
it alone, remember?
Great. Yes, I know, but it's
just not the Deena show, okay?
(SCOFFS)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
NICHOLAS:
Hey, Kim.
Hi!
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
You remember
my friend, Henri?
Right. From the
other night, yeah.
Are you French?
No. (EXCLAIMS)
Baby, you are the sexiest
thing I have ever seen.
So this must be
your roommate with the baby?
Yep.
This is Max's mom,
my roommate with the baby.
Nicholas, meet Deena.
Hi.
Deena,
this is Nicholas.
She didn't tell me that she
told you about my baby.
Whoops!
Actually, I met him.
He is so cute.
He is cute.
It must be just so nice to live
with a built in babysitter.
It is so nice to have someone you can
rely on for pretty much everything.
Yeah! I can see you.
Child on your hip. Born to be a mom.
And I see you.
Mustache on your face.
Profiled on
To Catch a Predator.
Whoa!
(NICHOLAS CLEARS THROAT)
Should we go get a table?
Yes.
Should we sit somewhere?
So, no stretch marks? Not one?
How did you manage that?
Oh, no, there's
a cream I saw...
Yeah, Henri,
you know what?
Will you help me
carry some drink menus back?
Yeah.
This one. I like this one.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Are you kidding me?
He could have been anyone's kid.
Why did you make him mine?
I'm sorry, it just came out!
Please, you have to go along with it.
Okay. You wanna
see the Deena show?
The truth is,
I was sleeping with
loads of guys
when I got pregnant.
But I think the father is
an Australian pro surfer.
(LAUGHING) Obviously, she's kidding.
No, I'm not.
Obviously, she knows
that the father is Marc,
and to his credit,
he has good genes.
He ditched me.
That's intense.
Well, he just wasn't in
the right frame of mind
to be a father and,
personally,
I think that
it's for the best.
I mean, just because two
people have a kid together
doesn't mean that two
people have to be together.
It's always
the kid who suffers!
Yeah. That's actually
a good point.
Frankly, it's so much better
without him around,
'cause I'm ready to
get back in the game.
I'm a player at heart.
Fantastic. It is hot
how honest you are.
So many women try to
pass themselves off
as virginal,
you know it's not true.
Well, our roommate Laura
is actually a virgin.
If it's true, fine.
But if it's not, why lie?
"Practice is the best
of all instructors."
"Publilius Syrus.
First century.
Well, Publilius, you certainly
can't pretend once you give birth,
'cause you get super loose, like...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That's only if
you don't do Kegels!
Kamikaze shots
for the table!
Thank you.
Deena, you can't drink
because you're breast-feeding.
Remember?
Tell that to Shakespeare's mom.
Ah! Indeed.
In Shakespeare's time, water
was basically non-potable,
and so beer was the only thing
that people could drink,
including nursing mothers.
Yeah, I read that
New Yorker article, too.
Whatevs, I'm good to go.
I pump and dump all the time.
Sure it's frowned upon,
but, you know,
I just picked up a new box of
Milkscreen strips, so it's all good.
Right, Kim?
Pump? Pump your breasts?
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, shots!
Thank you, Henri.
Pump it.
Pump it.
So, how did you
two girls meet?
We met in college.
It was the same Spanish class.
Yeah, the difference is I actually
learned to speak Spanish,
because I had
a Cuban boyfriend
who really liked it when I stuck
my fingers straight up his ass.
I thought that was something
that you promised yourself
you were never gonna
tell anybody about yourself.
We're among friends, sharing
together, loving one another.
(LAUGHING)
Right. Right. Well.
I, Kim, never learned
anything in college,
because I was too
busy reliving my past.
You know,
the normal hick stuff,
riding cows,
slaughtering pigs,
fantasizing
about my cousin Brad.
He was your second
cousin by marriage!
Still inappropriate!
Don't mind Kim here.
She's just a little bitter,
because I've become
a sweatpant-wearing loser mom
with little mommy friends, who's
lost all sense of self and ambition.
Well, I guess I'm just a
self-righteous, know-it-all bitch.
I feel like dancing.
I feel like dancing.
Scoot over.
Okay.
It's lonely over there.
Are you okay?
Yeah. That?
Her and I just have this...
You know, like witty banter thing.
It's nothing serious.
Yeah. It's fun to watch,
but it's a little scary.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay. I've had enough.
And I'm ready to go.
No. No. I thought that that was
a wonderful thing to tell him.
No, forgive me.
"Thou know'st that
this cannot be said
"A sin, nor shame,
nor loss of maidenhead
"Yet this enjoys
before it woo,
"And pampered swells
with one blood made of two."
Oh!
Okay. Just because
I know that's John Donne
does not mean
I'll forgive you.
Kim, let's go! Ten seconds.
Ten!
Okay!
Nine!
I guess we got the annoying
prerequisite group date out of the way.
Six.
I would love to go
out with just you.
I would love that, too.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Three, two...
Friday?
Friday sounds great.
Kim, come on!
Okay, Jesus!
Sorry-
Okay-
Bye, Deena.
Oh, my gosh,
fantastic date!
So, you're gonna drive me to my
car tomorrow, right, drunkie?
Yeah.
(RAP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
You can be a real jerk,
you know that?
(LAUGHS) Hey, Kettle,
what's up, you're black.
Oh, please. "I don't know who the father is"?
And then the finger thing?
And don't think
I didn't notice
that huge dig about
me losing my ambition.
Oh, yeah,
that was right before
you called me
a self-righteous bitch!
Man, what are we doing,
dude,huh?
We haven't
fought like this since
I bought those high-waisted
jeans you said you wanted.
Yeah, and that was
seriously messed up!
You knew I was saving up
for them for like months.
Okay. What is
the big deal, man?
The big deal is that
I like this guy! A lot.
And now it's not just some,
like, little accidental lie.
It's a huge,
complicated mess.
We acted like
total mental patients.
I thought it was awesome!
Well, I didn't, okay?
Okay. Well...
You know how I feel
about it all, you know,
don't get
emotionally involved.
Stick to the game plan.
Bone and bolt.
It's a good
chapter subheading.
Right after
"How to never let a man
"stand in the way
of a friendship."
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
RECEPTIONIST: Do you think
he's ever gonna propose?
I'm, like,
the perfect girlfriend.
I cook, I clean,
I wear sexy underwear
Psst.
Hang up the phone.
Hang it up.
What's your name?
Rita.
Pick up a new hobby, like
skydiving or dirt bike riding.
Don't tell him about it,
but just start
leaving your gear
around the house.
When he asks you
about it, just say,
"Oh, what? That?
That's my parachute.
Oh, that's my
motorcycle helmet,
"did I not tell you
about that?"
You'll have a ring on your
finger within the month.
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.
Live by it.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have
one new voice message.
Hi, there.
I was hoping you'd pick up.
I'd really love to hear your voice.
I mean, I heard your voice
on the answering machine,
and it made my day.
But to hear your real,
un-prerecorded voice
in person, that's
what I was hoping for.
I guess, technically,
if it's on the voice mail,
it's not in person,
but I digress.
Uh...
Wonder what
you're doing right now.
Taking care of
your little man?
Using that incredible brain
of yours to finish your book?
Using that lean body to
work on your exercise video?
Conquering the world?
(EXHALES)
Maybe you were
thinking of me?
Uh...
I would like to see you.
If that isn't clear
from this message,
I am free on Thursday,
lam free on Friday.
Saturday is
a good day for me...
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Message deleted.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Let's see what we're
dealing with here, buddy.
Yo.
We cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
Good.
You still down to
babysit tonight?
Sure.
Did you give Henri
my number?
Don't you mean Ohn-ree?
I'm not calling him Ohn-frickin'-ree.
He's not even French. Did you?
Yeah. Nicholas
asked me for it.
Oh, great, because
now he's like stalker
obsessed with me, dude.
It's awesome.
MRS. CRENSHAW: I am literally dying.
Gotta call you back.
We're just so...
It's so exciting.
So many weeks in the best seller
list for an author like you.
I totally knew it.
We're so proud of you.
Thank you.
Are you coming to
Vegas this weekend?
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
Deena Gold?
Yes.
We're ready for you.
Deena Gold?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, I love your column.
I read it religiously.
I would love to
take you out to lunch
and get advice on
a guy I'm seeing.
Sure!
Great.
Good luck in there!
Thanks.
Call me!
Okay. So then that happened.
Do you know who that is'?
Yeah.
She's a really great girl.
Come on.
Okay.
I can't believe
she knew who I was.
Hi, babe. I'm just
calling to tell you
that I'm not gonna
be able to talk today.
I'm, like, super busy, so don't
even try to get a hold of me.
Good-bye.
Hi.
Be back by 6:00.
Okay. I will.
They're very strict.
Okay. Thank you, Pop Pop.
Thank you, I love you.
You're a life saver.
I love you. Bye.
Hi, Max. How are you?
I know, it's horrible.
He robbed me blind.
Do you know that I actually
had to vacay this year
in Palms Springs
instead of Hawaii?
Sounds horrible.
Well, I have such
good taste in everything,
except when it comes
to the men I marry.
(LAUGHS DRYLY)
Sweetie, she looks good.
She looks like
an obese supermodel.
Thanks, Francesca.
I kinda wanted to talk to
you about my doggy mall.
Remember when I first
started working here,
I mentioned it and
you said you might...
You know...
So.
I was just thinking that now might
be a good time to invest and...
Oh!
I have to wee-wee.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
FRANCESCA: Sweetie, what'd I say?
No phones in the office. Remember.
Turn that off.
Don't answer it.
Dude, where are you?
Call me, call me, call me, call me, call me!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Ah!
Hello?
Please stop.
Hi. Yes, can we get four grilled
cheese sandwiches please?
What? No.
Wrong number. God!
Stop! Stop laughing.
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Leave a message.
Mom. Dad. It's me, Deena.
Um...
Long time no speak.
Well, I just wanted
to let you know
that your wayward
black sheep daughter
has in fact sold a book.
I'm sure you
won't read it, but...
I just wanted to let you know
before someone else did. So...
That's it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Call me.
Or not.
Hey, Jayde.
Hey, girl, hey.
What are you
up to tonight?
Whoa. It's like
we share the same brain.
There's a party on Sunset,
a fashion show downtown
and then an art
opening on La Cienega.
All right, buddy,
okay. Sorry.
Just wait one
second, buddy.
Deena! Deena!
Hello, are you here?
Hey!
Hey.
Whoa! What are you wearing?
Nocturnal car wash.
Sunset and Vine.
Have you seen Deena?
No.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God!
I can't believe how
much my life blows.
Can you watch Max?
I can't. I gotta
pay the rent.
Sorry. I'm sure
Deena'll be back soon.
Oh...
ON VOICEMAIL: Hi, you reached Deena
Gold, leave a message after the beep.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! Hey, Billy.
Hi. My mom told me to bring this over.
It got delivered to our place.
Billy?
Yeah?
How old are you?
Twelve.
Do you wanna make 50 bucks?
Sure.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
WOW!
Oh, my God.
I'm so overdressed.
I thought we were
going to someplace nice.
Hey. Come on, this place is nice.
I mean, it's not...
It's not this nice, but
they got great onion rings.
Really. Here, sit down.
You look really pretty.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I was late.
I was...
Well, I was taking
care of Max.
Deena must be so grateful.
Uh-huh.
Listen, I kinda needed to talk
to you about the other night.
No apology necessary.
I mean, you met my friends.
Deenais nowhere near as bad
as those freaks, so...
Right. It's not
really about that.
Are you good?
ls everything okay?
Hope you two
are hungry.
Thank you!
You're welcome.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me know if you
need anything else.
Thank you.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind, but I
ordered every appetizer on the menu.
Surprised?
I always do that!
Come on,
nobody always does that.
No, I really do.
My friends always make fun of me.
They're so much
better than entrees.
I know, right?
Smaller portions.
More variety.
Get out.
Cheese sticks.
(LAUGHS)
While you go ahead and finish
chewing that amazing cheese stick,
I'm gonna throw coolness to
the wind and tell you that
I like you.
And I hope that doesn't freak you
out, but I just... I like you.
And it would be great
if you would say something
kind back to me right now.
I'm sorry,
this is just so hot.
I'm sorry.
What I really wanted
to do was be an athlete,
but it turns out I can't run, I
can'tjump and I can't catch.
So that kind of excluded me
from those things.
So I took up my new calling,
which was musical theater,
and I did a little thing called
The Pirates of Penzance.
You may have heard of it.
I might have dominated it. Just saying.
I'd like to see you
in some tights.
You and my grandma, both.
(LAUGHS)
What about you?
I wanna talk more
about you in tights.
Not a chance.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry. It's Deena.
If you gotta get it,
go ahead.
No, you know what?
It's cool.
It's probably nothing.
Sometimes she forgets
that I have a life too, so...
God, it must
be interesting.
What do you mean?
You know, just
living with somebody so unestablished
who has a baby, that's all.
So, by interesting,
do you mean awful?
I just mean that
you would think
that having a baby
would force
someone to grow up.
It just doesn't seem like
that's happened for Deena.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You don't really
know anything about her.
I'm not trying to
insult Deena at all.
I mean, having a baby
and living with roommates,
relying on them for
everything, that's horrid.
All I'm saying is that I think
that you must be a saint
for dealing
with somebody who
so clearly
desperately needs it.
I just hope that Deena understands
that and realizes that
she couldn't do
it without you.
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?
I need to go to the restroom.
What is he talking about?
Relying on people for everything.
Well, he's making
this very easy.
There's no emotional attachment.
Just a little bone and bolt.
A little nookie, a quick roll in the
hay, that's all this is anyway.
Okay. Let's do this.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just want you to know, if you wanna
take this slow, I'm okay with it.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it seems that way.
Okay, let's get naked.
Hey. Get outta here.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
You feel amazing.
Really?
Like normal amazing,
or just...
Like amazing, amazing.
(LAUGHS)
Come here.
Help, help. I'm so
bad at these things.
(MOANING)
Oh, God.
What the...
It's not what you think.
Well, what do I think?
It happens.
Breast milk just happens?
It's tribal, you know,
like, from living with Deena.
You know how women
who live together
get their periods
at the same time?
No. I didn't know that.
How do you not know that?
You're a grown man!
Sorry, but no!
Well, it's like that.
I get breast milk, and it
squirts when I get excited.
It's a compliment, really.
(SCOFFS)
He's your baby?
He's your baby.
Well, the first hour
that I met you,
you said that
kids were a buzzkill!
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
And then you were so judgmental
about the whole thing!
Well, even if I did, I didn't
realize we were talking about you.
Well, I didn't think
it mattered, okay?
This wasn't
supposed to be serious.
(SCOFFS)
Right. Right. So, what was I?
Just some conquest?
Just some random guy?
Oh, what was it that Deena said?
"Getting back into the game,
always a player at heart"?
That's you, huh?
Awesome.
So...
You've never lied
about anything because
you thought it made
things seem easier?
No.
Well, I guess you're a
better person than I am.
Good-bye.
(SNIFFLING)
What's going on?
Hello? Wait, sir! Sir!
Wait! Sir, stop!
Stop, stop.
Wait, sir,
just a second. Stop!
He's fine. He's sleeping.
'Cause that neighbor kid you
hired kinda freaked out, Kim.
He'd never been
around a baby before.
If I hadn't come home, they would
have called social services.
Where the fuck were you tonight?
You were supposed to babysit!
What? Are you
out of your mind?
There is nothing, there is absolutely
nothing that excuses your behavior.
So I wasn't here, so you be here, Kim.
It's your child.
How dare you!
How dare you judge me!
You have no idea
what it's like.
If it had been me that night, if it had
been me who stole the last condom...
What?
This could have been you.
Wow, Kim.
Who are you?
I don't know.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
DEENA: Oh, my God!
JAYDE: What?
What are you listening to?
Is it that guy Henri?
Give, give.
Let me listen.
Oh, my God.
This guy is crazy.
Listen to the voice mail.
No!
I know.
Wait, the end's gross.
I thought that
was the best bit.
Save it.
Totally.
For sure.
He's a freak.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)
(MAX GURGLING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, my God, there you are!
I've been 911-ing you all day.
Where have you been?
The customers are
starting to complain.
Francesca, are you ever going
to invest in my doggy mall?
Oh, God, the doggy mall,
the dog mall.
All I hear about
is the stupid dog mall.
Maybe I'd talk to you
about that dog mall
if you actually did
your job once in a while.
You know what, Francesca?
I am so sick of letting you treat me like shit.
Consider this my
five minutes' notice.
You... But you
can't just quit.
And you know what else?
You're not 21-year-old hot.
That's very rude.
Good-bye.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Hi. I brought you some
magazines and sandwiches.
Godmothers, extra
spicy with the works.
Are you gonna emerge from
the darkness anytime soon?
Is Deena here?
No.
She's avoiding me?
Yeah.
My best friend thinks
I'm a despicable person,
I lost the first guy who's
liked me in a really long time
and I'm the worst mom ever.
When I get sad,
I like to think of good things
that are unrelated to my problems.
Like whales, or those little yellow
chickens from Easter, puffs.
Those are called Peeps.
Laura, I know you're
just trying to help,
but can you please
just leave us alone?
Kim.
(MAX CRYING)
(SHUSHING)
I don't mean to sound harsh,
but you're kind of
just lying around
like you're giving up
on life or something.
That's easy
for you to say!
Why? Because my life
is so perfect?
I have no skills,
except that I'm pretty.
People think I'm dumb.
I live in a world
where I'm considered
a weirdo
because of my beliefs.
I'm not saying that my problems
are as serious as yours.
I mean, heck no.
But everything's relative.
You need to be
happy for Max.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Can I help you?
Hey, beauty. I heard.
What do you say we go out and get
into some old-school trouble?
I'm just really focused
on my career right now.
Yeah. So am I.
But I wake up every morning with a
raging boner with your name on it.
Come on, let me be your
"man with dishpan hands."
How did you...
I googled you.
Oh, my God, it's you!
Rita, the receptionist!
I'm marrying my skydiving instructor,
and it's all because of you!
Congratulations.
Thank you!
What do you think, buddy?
Hey!
Hey.
You made it!
You are late.
I had to stop for these.
I don't believe in flowers.
I think they're a trite symbol
developed to keep women needy.
I only agreed to
let you meet me here
so you would
stop pestering me.
Yeah, I know.
You're aware of
the conditions?
No talking. No touching.
No disturbing my workflow.
What if I violate
those terms?
I said, no talking.
Are you looking
to be punished?
I promise to
leave you alone.
If you agree to stop by
American Apparel afterwards
and try on
a few things for me.
You are such a perv.
Deal.
I didn't know a place like this existed.
This place is awesome.
The second JJJ gets in here,
she completely falls asleep.
I get to relax,
I can do my drawing...
Oh, wow, you draw?
You seem shocked.
Are you propagating the myth
that stay-at-home moms have to
give up all their passions?
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I actually am writing
a children's book,
it's called "Tickle,
Tickle Little Pickle."
My husband Brock
says it's gonna be
the laughing stock
of the Internet,
but, you know what,
I like it.
I can show it to you if you want.
You don't have to.
Yeah, I'd love to see it.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, so that's it.
Yeah. The pickle looks a little
demented now, but it's a prototype.
I'm thinking on taking down
the squirrel things,
because right now
it looks like
it's actually trying
to kill the pickle.
Wow. This is a pretty rock
and roll little kids' book.
I think there's
something there.
What do you think, buddy?
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
DEENA ON BABY MONITOR: Oh, God!
Keep doing... Oh, keep doing that!
Oh, don't stop that! Oh!
Oh, God!
Pussy master!
Pussy master, yes!
Oh, yes, pussy master!
(MOANING)
Oh, pussy master! Yes!
Oh, yes, you're a pussy master!
(SIGHING)
(MAX CRYING)
(GROANS)
To speak or act in
an evasive way, 11 letters.
Prevaricate.
Well, hello there.
How'd you sleep?
Horrible. I just now
got Max to sleep.
How did you sleep,
pussy master?
Kim. Nicholas
asked about you.
I think he'd like
to hear from you.
Great.
Tell him I said hi.
You don't have to be
so hard on yourself, Kim.
You know you made a mistake,
you're human, big whoop.
So is he.
Oh, my gosh!
I've been chosen for a reality show!
I get to live in a mansion!
(SQUEALS)
What?
Yeah. America's Last Virgin!
I found out about it, and I
sent my picture in and I'm in!
Wait. What show?
America's Last Virgin.
They find 20 virgins,
all over the age of 21.
And they have us
live in a house
where there's
porn playing 24/7,
and you share
a room with a male model.
And then,
you go out on dates
and the dates, they try to tempt
you into losing your virginity.
And the last virgin
standing wins $100,000!
It's perfect, rig ht?
Deena, I figured you're always
saying take things as they come.
It's like that chapter in your
book, "Grab Life By The Balls."
So I totally
grabbed my balls.
I mean, I thought it was gross,
but I get it now. You get it.
I knew I was saving myself
for something this special!
(SHRIEKS)
Oh!
That sounds like
a recipe for rape.
Did she just make it sound like
I inspired her to do that?
Hey, Deena, can I talk to
you for a minute, outside?
Alone?
Yeah.
Pussy master!
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna move out.
Wow. Okay.
I'm gonna pay you
the next month's rent,
so that will
give you enough time
to figure out
what you wanna do.
Uh...
Is this like about last night?
Because we were loud...
I know things have been
awkward between us...
It's not that.
You and I had this plan
to be fabulous and
conquer the world.
And I'm sorry that
I relied on you...
Kim, you don't
have to feel...
Please, just
let me finish.
I think that the really scary
part has been realizing that
maybe I don't need
to conquer the world.
Maybe I'm okay
with hanging out
with the lame moms
at Caf Chez Bb.
Maybe I'm more
than okay with it.
Maybe I like it.
So what are you gonna do?
Dvggy mall?
Yeah, I'm starting to
think that whole idea was
childish and unsanitary
and maybe even unsafe.
I honestly don't know.
Deena, I'm so happy for you and
your success, and I adore you.
I adore you.
But you have to focus on your
career now, and I need...
I need to focus
on being a mom.
And I just worry that
if I don't move out now...
That we might
not stay friends.
(SOBS)
So, it's a one bedroom,
one bath,
but there's a nice
little nook over here
that would be
great for a nursery.
Wanna see it?
We'll take it.
Do you wanna discuss it
with your husband?
Nope. It's just us.
All right, then.
Let me show you the backyard.
There's a sandbox and a swing set...
Did you hear that, buddy?
There's a sandbox!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
He's getting so heavy.
You're getting so heavy.
Is that your truck?
Max, can you say "truck"?
Truck?
That's a bunny.
(RATTLES)
Kisses. Kisses for you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You sweet little thing,
you were just walking!
Oh, my God, you sweet little monkey!
I'm so proud of you!
Oh, my God! My baby.
(GASPING)
Henri! Henri, Henri!
It came! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! It came!
Baby, maybe we should
get a joint bank account.
Oh, man, I grew up
in a trailer.
They pay a lot of money
for self-help books.
It's not a self-help book, punk.
It's a sociological study.
Oh, it's a sociological
study. You're rich.
Oh, my gosh, that's hot.
You're so rich.
I love that.
I've never had sex
with a rich woman before.
Outside, anyway...
Never had sex... And sober.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, just one finger.
(DEENA LAUGHS)
You eat it.
You eat it. I'm good.
I'm sorry for being late.
I'm so, so sorry.
How's the little dude?
How are you?
So, let me guess, you
didn't get your contract
and now you think you can just
waltz back into our lives?
No, that's not it.
I read this
rad book when I was on tour
called Pregnancy and Beyond.
Uh-huh.
Read the whole thing,
cover to cover.
It had gnarly stuff about smegma,
I almost stopped reading it.
Then I kept reading it,
and it started to talk about
how they start to develop these,
like, sick personalities.
And it made me wanna, like, not
miss out on all that good stuff.
And the truth is, I nearly lost
my abdomen in a shark attack.
There's nothing
like a brush with death
to make you realize what the
important things in life are.
And I wanna see my kid.
Okay?
I'm not gonna go
through this again, Marc.
I want another shot at being a dad.
Can you understand that?
I think I'd be a good dad.
(LAUGHING)
(SQUEALING)
Come here.
Come here, little buddy.
You gonna be a little
hell raiser, aren't you?
You gonna be a little hell raiser?
A little outlaw?
A little bandit?
He's a good boy.
(MAX BABBLING)
What's that?
Bad boy?
Bad!
MARC: Okay.
(EXHALES)
Hey!
Hey!
How are you?
Good. Good.
How are you?
Good.
Where's Max?
Is he in college yet?
Actually, he's with Marc.
Really?
Yep.
He came crawling back, and now he
takes him whenever I go to work.
Wow.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you,
I miss seeing Max every day.
And you.
Yeah. Me too.
So...
My dad called me.
That's great, Deena.
I bet that feels really good.
Yeah.
What are we doing?
I miss you.
I miss you!
I've got so much to tell you.
Come in, come in.
What?
Oh, my God!
Dude, the place
looks outta sight!
It's Henri, man.
He's all over it.
(GASPS)
You bought
the massage chair!
I love that thing.
I wanna be buried with it.
This is awesome!
Whatever happened
to waiting at least
two years before
moving in with a guy?
Well, the rules are,
there are no rules.
When multiple orgasms
are involved. (MOCK GASPS)
Shut up! I thought
those were a myth!
So did I, dude.
So did I.
Well, I e-mailed Nicholas.
And?
And nothing.
I mean, I wasn't
expecting a response
after the crap
that I pulled, but...
I just wanted
to clear the air.
Good.
So, listen.
I got a huge advance
check for my book.
Wow, dude,
you are killing it!
And I want to
invest a portion of it.
Okay.
See, I've been
working on this project
that I want to piggyback
off the book release.
I need you to
partner with me, 50-50.
It feels great.
But I'm not surprised at all.
I knew I'd make it
past round four.
I was born to win this.
The golden crotch
remains intact!
Oh, my gosh! You guys, I can't be late.
We have to go.
Come on. Come on!
Hi, look at you!
Take your hand? Let's go. Let's go!
Come on. Baby, let's go.
It's so much fun.
I know.
Ready, one, two...
Ready?
Hey! We made it.
Hey.
Thanks for coming,
everybody.
Kim, front and center.
Patti, thanks for coming.
Jayde, get your
weights up. Great.
Here we go, guys.
We're gonna start with a lift and touch.
Lift and touch.
Get those arms tight.
Get those loose knees.
Henri, out of here!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Lift up and down.
There we go. Looking good.
Oh, my God!
We look like such tools.
I love it!
I know, I can't believe we're gonna
be on demand, dude, it's so good.
Who knew we'd be able to capitalize
on me getting knocked up?
HENRI: Babe, you here?
Yep.
Nicholas and I
got burritos.
We're gonna shoot a little pool.
Is that cool?
Cool. Yep.
What? Nicholas is here?
Kim.
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna hide.
Kim. I can't hide.
Max is here! Oh, my God!
Kim! Kim.
Oh, Jesus, how do I look?
You look beautiful.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay.
Hey. om
Hey.
Hi.
Henfi?
What?
Do you wanna go in
the other room and
feel me up?
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Bye, Deena.
Don't feel her up.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I got your e-mail...
Yeah.
And I don't think
that you are a...
"A flaming piece of shit," or
"A pox on the face of dignity."
You don't?
I understand why someone might
not tell someone something,
because they are afraid of
the way they might react.
All right. This is hard.
I-m
married.
Oh!
No, technically,
I'm separated.
She moved out
before you and I met.
Actually, I'm four days away
from being legally divorced.
But this year
was rough for me.
And I met you, and
you just made it better
and I didn't want to do anything
to screw that up. And...
I should have told you.
So, then,
we're both liars.
But, for the record,
you were first.
Well, that's
a great foundation
for a relationship,
don't you think?
Not that I'm suggesting that
we would have a relationship,
I was just making a statement, like
an observation that doesn't...
Aw...
My ovaries just
skipped a beat.
Mine too.
(LAUGHS)
Let's shoot
some sticks, yo!
Bros vs. hoes.
You ready for this?
Ladies, you should know that
we are pretty good at this.
Oh, you have no idea.
That's a big check, mister.
NICHOLAS: Not big at all.
Come on. Come to Deena.
Hey, don't put it
on the table!
What?
Oh, I'm sorry,
you're not a baby.
You're like a person.
You're like a real person now.
All right. Okay.
Let's do this.
Sorry, Max.
I rack 'em really,
really tight.
Break it.
All right, you got
a mean mommy here.
Ready? Go on,
Kim, break.
Okay, I'll break.
Yeah, you can. Come on. You can do it.
You can do it. You can do it.
(ALL CHEERING)
Lost again!
So did we lose?