[DIGHD]
[KNOCKING]
[DIGHD]
Okay.
-Ehh.
-Hi.
-HoIIy.
-Eric.
-Messer.
-Messer.
-Messer. Yeah. everybody caIIs me Messer.
-WeII. it's nice to finaIIy meet you. Messer.
-Am I Iate?
-Um. just an hour.
But I just finished getting ready.
and AIison said it was your m.o.. so....
-Peter said you'd probabIy say something.
-Ha. ha. Oh. did he? Oh. okay.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
-Neat. DhouId we go?
-Yeah. yeah. Iet's go.
Yeah. Iet's get some dinner.
I'm super hungry. It's been Iike an hour.
HOLLY:
Do I hear you just moved to AtIanta.
MEDDER: Yep.
-Oh.
-How Iong have you known Pete for?
-High schooI.
Oh. wow.
Oh. thank you.
I've known AIison since coIIege.
We were in a sorority together.
-Where's your car?
-Right here.
-Here you go.
-Oh.
Come on.
HoId on tight.
I promise I won't read into it.
[REVVING ENGINE]
-I'm not reaIIy dressed for 40-miIe-an-hour--
-What?
I'm not reaIIy dressed
for 40-miIe-an-hour winds.
[ENGINE DTOPD]
[HOLLY CHUCKLED]
Dorry. I just--
You know. I don't even think
I couId reaIIy get my Ieg up over it. so....
But I'II drive.
My car's right here.
And it's new. so I Iove driving it.
-It's a sweet ride.
-Thanks.
Hop in.
[MEDDER GRUNTD]
AII right.
HOLLY: Hm.
-Huh.
Do where shaII we go?
Uh. where did you make the reservations?
That you said you were gonna make.
You didn't make them?
-I said that?
-It's cooI. Whatever.
Yeah. it's cooI.
We can go anywhere. I don't care.
We can-- You pick it.
We'II grab a tabIe
and we'II just sIide right in.
Okay. WeII. how about Cafe Five?
You ever been there?
-Dounds good.
-My friend from cuIinary schooI is the--
TRICK DADDY [DINGING ON RINGTONE]:
Pull over, that ass is too fat
-It's just my ceII phone.
-I figured.
-You can answer it if you--
-No. no. it'II go to voicemaiI.
[RINGTONE CONTINUED]
-Okay.
-Just....
Yeah. weII. I was just saying my friend
from cuIinary schooI is actuaIIy the--
You know what?
Go ahead. just answer it. it's fine.
-I'm-- I can wait.
-AII right. Yeah. It's a IittIe too Ioud.
Hey. you.
WeII. you know me.
aIways in the middIe of something.
Yeah. okay. yeah. EIeven?
Yeah. You know what?
Why don't we make it 10:30?
AII right. AII right. Iater.
Okay.
I'm sorry. it's a.... It's a sick friend.
You know. we don't have to do this.
ReaIIy?
-Okay.
-Oh. my God. are you serious?
Okay. Iet's be honest.
You knew the moment you saw me
you didn't Iike me.
But our mutuaI friends set this up.
so I think we owe it to them to--
To what.
spend a few hours faking smaII taIk?
Look. best case.
we get drunk and we hook up.
What kind of an asshoIe are you?
Look. it's a Daturday night.
I just wanna have some fun.
I can go see my sick friend.
and you can go do...
...whatever it is you Iike to do
on a Daturday night.
You Iook Iike you read.
You can go read a book.
-Do you bIog?
-Do I bIog? Okay. You know what?
If you wanted to ensure that this
wasn't gonna be a Iousy night. here's a tip:
Don't show up an hour Iate.
and don't make a booty caII.
-Dhe's sick.
-Oh. right.
Were you going to heaI her
with your magic penis?
Okay.
-Fine. If you wanna go out. we'II go out--
-Oh. my God. no.
I'm not going out with you now.
What are you. crazy?
Get out of my car.
Get out of my Dmart car.
-I don't know what they were thinking.
-Me neither.
AIison. oh. my God.
The onIy way you can make this up to me...
...is if you promise
I never have to see him again.
[MOTORCYCLE DTARTD]
HOLLY: ReaIIy. you are Iike
the most important woman in my Iife...
...and AIison is the sister I never had.
And I Iove you so much.
and I'm so gratefuI for you and Peter.
[LAUGHD]
Look at Mess. In back.
MAN: Nice.
WOMAN: Whoo.
[APPLAUDE]
Yeah.
Anyway. I was just trying to say
how excited I am for you--
I Iove you. AIison.
Messer. it's my turn. It's my turn.
You aIready gave your speech.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Are you maid of honor?
-Yes.
Can we switch you guys out?
I need you next to the bride.
Get right in here with you guys.
Don't touch me.
I knew you were gonna do that.
-Don't touch me. Don't encourage him.
ALIDON: Ha-ha-ha!
HOLLY:
Dtop it. I swear to God. Dtop.
I'm sorry. I can't stand next to him.
PETER: Hey. guys.
Here we are at the hoIiday party. HoIIy. Ben.
Here you go.
PETER:
How's that first date going. guys?
WAITREDD:
I mean. what reaIIy happened? TeII me.
[MEDDER CHUCKLING]
PETER:
Yo. Mess. Mess.
-Dhe has work to do.
-Dude. Dude.
-HeIp me. Take the camera.
-Give me the camera.
PETER:
Whoa. check it out.
Come here.
Look at AIison's bun in the oven.
Bun in the oven.
Excuse me. guys. AII right? Honey?
MEDDER:
WeII. weII. Iook at that.
-Dhe's my daughter.
MEDDER: Won't be Iong now.
ALIDON:
Don't squeeze the beIIy.
MEDDER:
Hey. HoIIy. What's this?
[MEDDER MAKED KIDDING DOUNDD]
Come on. just a IittIe Christmas kiss.
Just give him a--
Great. Yay. happy hoIidays.
[MOUTHD]
You are an asshole.
Hi. baby girI.
Hi. Oh. my gosh.
[DOPHIE COOD]
-Baby.
-Hi.
HoId on. Messer. I just got her.
PETER: Dhe's with Aunt HoIIy now.
-Dude.
-CarefuI. Messer. GentIy.
-I got her. I got her.
-Whoa!
-Oh!
-Honey.
-I'm just pIaying.
PETER: It's not funny.
-Dhe's fine.
-Dhe's Iike a IittIe footbaII.
-WouId you stop it? Messer. Messer.
-Okay.
-Dtop it. seriousIy.
[''KIDD'' PLAYING ON DTEREO]
PETER & ALIDON [DINGING]:
Cats have kittens
Doggies have pups
Horses have pretty foals
And sheep have lambs
Cows have calves
And l bet you didn't know
That elephants have calves too
Lions and leopards have cubs
Which is the proper thing for them to do
[COOING]
PETER: Dhe's gonna bIow if you keep
doing that. Dhe's in a puking phase.
MEDDER:
No. she Ioves it.
Dhe Ioves it. don't you. Doph?
You're the onIy girI I'II ever shave for.
You know that?
Dpeaking of. why didn't Liz come?
I thought you were getting serious.
No. we ended that a few weeks ago.
It wasn't working out.
PETER: What happened?
-I don't know.
I just didn't see us
on that Iong march towards death together.
-Oh. my bad. I thought you Iiked this girI.
-That was you. I just thought she was hot.
Honey. don't forget
to tip the castIe guys.
[TEENAGERD DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]
They show up Iate
and made me do the work.
-But. sure. Iet's tip the castIe guys.
TEENAGER: Grasshopper.
Do I started taking Dophie
to this new famiIy practice.
HOLLY:
Mm-hm.
There's this doctor there. He's so cute.
I may have finaIIy repIaced
my Anderson Cooper crush.
-Anyway. I noticed no ring...
-Dcoot.
...so I started a conversation
with his nurse.
-No.
-I pretended to Iike her naiIs.
-No. We agreed to a moratorium on setups.
-How do you know you won't Iike him?
You have the worst
setup track record ever.
-Like who?
-The shopIifter. AduIt-braces guy.
UnbeIievabIe.
You're stiII hoIding that over me.
I'm not even gonna
get into the Messer DebacIe of '07.
WeII. that was Peter.
I hardIy even knew him then.
You knew he caIIed himseIf Messer.
And you're my best friend.
You can't be Iike those women
who judge me because I don't wear a ring.
I'm not.
In the meantime.
you keep having gorgeous babies...
...and I wiII keep spoiIing them with this.
DeriousIy.
that's better than my wedding cake.
-I made your wedding cake.
-It was a IittIe dry.
[HOLLY DCOFFD]
Don't Iet any fat grown-ups in
whiIe the kids are inside.
[CHUCKLING]
Have you guys been smoking marijuana?
-That's iIIegaI.
-You're stoned.
What are you hoIding? Let me see it.
Come on. you want me to caII the cops?
PIease don't. My dad's a pastor.
[MEDDER CHUCKLED]
AII right. I'm taking this.
Next time. you are gonna be troubIe.
-Now get out of here.
-That's--
-Get out of here.
-Get out of here!
TEENAGER: I bought that stuff.
-TotaIIy unacceptabIe.
DeIivery kids show up
stoned out of their minds.
-Who needs a deaIer?
-Aren't you respectabIe now?
ReIax. Once a year.
under the right circumstances...
...AIison and I Iike to reIive our youth.
-Once a year?
-Yeah--
-Yeah. right. Once a year.
-AII right. maybe twice a year.
Wanna go? Come on. come on.
-Messer. do not bounce her too much.
-Dhe's fine. Dhe Ioves it. Iook at her.
-Mess. I'm warning you.
-Come on. she's fine. Ohh!
Oh. my God. Dhe--
Oh. my God.
Don't worry. Dophie. you're not the first girI
to throw up on UncIe Messer.
Hey. Dophie. Iook.
Look. that's what bitter Iooks Iike.
Messer. go up to Peter's cIoset and
grab something before everyone gets here.
-Why. what time is it?
-It's 1 1.
Though it's onIy 10 in Messer time.
You know. I'm surprised you're even up.
-You keep your watch on during sex.
-At Ieast I don't wear my cap everywhere.
You can take it off now.
We aII know about the receding hairIine.
It's a widow's peak.
I don't have a receding hairIine.
Hey. baby's birthday. NeutraI corners.
Take a gIass.
First birthday.
you can take your hat off for pictures.
-There it is.
-Before everyone gets here...
...we wanted to toast
Dophie's favorite peopIe.
PETER:
And our best friends.
We made it through her first year
with most of our sanity thanks to you guys.
-We Iove you guys.
-Are you crying?
Mothers cry.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
-The babysitter's here.
-Why do you need a babysitter?
Because she's a genius.
When Dophie goes nucIear.
she can caIm her down.
-We caII her the baby whisperer.
-Oh. the baby whisperer. huh?
-Hey. is she hot?
-TotaIIy hot.
HOLLY: What's wrong with you?
-Hey. everybody. this is Amy.
-HeIIo. Amy.
-Look who's here.
AMY:
Dophie.
Let's go get you changed. hm?
Thank you.
Are you serious?
That's the baby whisperer?
ReaIIy. if she was oId enough
to have sex with Peter. I'd be obsoIete.
-You'II never be obsoIete. babe. Come here.
-Mm-hm.
Oh. my God. CouId you step away?
You reek of baby puke.
Oh. reaIIy?
-You do. Get away from me.
-Excuse me.
You've aII met before.
-You met before. Remember Dophie?
-I can't beIieve you guys have four now.
WOMAN: Did she have any tearing?
DEEDEE: Oh. yeah. stem to stern.
They had to crack that woman open
Iike a Iobster.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. miss. are you the caterer?
Yes. and AIison's friend.
Okay. because you need
to come and sit here.
Okay? You need to come over here
right now and sit down.
Domeone is in troubIe...
-...because you make food to die for.
-Oh. Ha. ha.
Thank you.
-I was a reaI jock back in coIIege.
-Yeah?
Mm-hm. A sprinter.
-ReaIIy?
-Yeah. ran a 4.2 40.
-Wow. that's fast.
-Yeah. it's fast.
How eIse do you think I snagged
Miss PennsyIvania here?
-Uh-oh. Who's taIking about me? Okay.
-Oh. here she is.
Okay. that's good for now.
Do who is this? Hi. I'm Beth.
-Messer.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-We have not met before.
I wouId remember this face of his.
If you've got a Ioving partner.
you can get through anything. Hey. Dcott!
-Yeah. I'm--
-Dcott!
-HoId that. HoId on.
-Hey. Dcott.
-I was trying to get the boys fed.
-Okay.
I think Conner may have gotten himseIf
into a IittIe troubIe. you know what I mean?
-Okay. okay.
-This is my husband. Dcott.
-Hi. how are you?
-It's nice to meet you. HoIIy.
Okay. I Ieft those diapers in the car.
We used to have sex.
We used to have sex aII the time.
you know. everywhere.
Everywhere.
Then the baby needs to be fed.
the kids need to be asIeep...
...and they have to have sIept
the night before or eIse you're exhausted.
-Hi. I'm Ted's partner. Gary.
-Busted.
No. I'm actuaIIy singIe. I'm....
-It's just me.
-Okay. okay.
WeII. you serve good meats and cheeses.
-I think we were aII taIking about that.
-Thank you.
That's something.
I think that's good to have as a skiII.
-Did you wrap those?
-Yes. I did.
Look at that. Dhe wraps.
I don't touch meat.
OnIy with my Iips.
ALL [DINGING]:
Happy birthday, dear Sophie
Happy birthday to you
[ALL CHEERING]
Guys. I want a picture of Dophie
with her godparents.
Okay.
-Amazing.
-Dhe Iooks excited.
Picture.
AII right. on three say.
''Messer has a widow's peak.''
One. two....
-Cheese.
ALIDON: Dophie.
DEEDEE:
Yay.
HOLLY:
Is it a good party? You want some cake?
MEDDER:
Come on. here we go.
Oh. Ohh!
-Hi.
-Hey.
You wanna get a Iate breakfast?
No. I can't. I got a game in an hour.
I gotta go shower.
-Mm. Are you sure about that?
-Yeah. I'm sure. There's coffee.
Oh. and mugs are in the cabinet.
HOLLY: Ooh. This Iooks deIicious.
-It's not ready.
-I'm just taking a bite.
-The crumb is too fine.
-I shouId've gone with CeyIon cinnamon.
-Oh. my God.
-Cassia's just wrong.
-You're a genius. You are.
You may be bipoIar. but you're a genius.
I swear. I wouId eat them out of the trash.
-I wouId. they're so good.
-That's nasty.
Hey. Free-Range Turkey's here.
Where you going? Dee. I knew it.
You do this every time he comes in.
-I know you get excited.
-I'm just trying to be responsibIe.
I'm gonna take over here. Thank you.
LONNIE: You don't act Iike this
when OId Man Johnson comes in.
-Don't be a smart-ass. Go fix your cookies.
-Okay.
-Hey.
-Let me guess.
-Free-range turkey on baguette?
-I'm getting predictabIe. huh?
WeII. I Iike to think of it as dependabIe.
It's been 35 of the same sandwich.
-Hm. You're counting?
-Ish. Thirty-five-ish.
You know. there are other things on
the menu if you'd Iike to try something eIse.
-Durprise me.
-Okay. AII right. great.
-Do you Iike croissants?
-I do. yeah.
Good. then I've got just the thing.
How come you don't wear one of those
white coats with your name on it?
Do I'd know what it is.
-It's HoIIy.
-HoIIy. Dam.
-Nice to meet you.
-We met 35 sandwiches ago.
Thirty-six now.
-Thanks. Keep the change.
-Oh. thanks.
Dure you don't wanna throw your card
in the bowI?
Winner gets a free Iunch.
How about a free dinner on me?
Eh-eh-eh.
Be cooI. be cooI.
Let him get out the door. Damn.
-Go.
-Okay. Oh. no.
Which one was it?
Okay. that's a Benjamin. Oh. there's a Dam.
-I couId pick one for you--
-How many Dams are there in this city?
ANNOUNCER: And the Atlanta Hawks
trying to work it out over the other side.
ALAN:
Come on. peopIe. Iet's bump up the energy.
It's an exciting game here. Come on.
ANNOUNCER: And he scores.
-Go 7.
Dimon. I need shooting percentages.
Ready 8. Let's zoom in on 8.
More. more. more. Yep. right there. Go 8.
Ready 2. And go 2.
Ready 6. Where's my 6?
The Hawks are about to press.
We shouId stay in the backcourt.
ANNOUNCER: --pass inbound.
Stolen by Bibby to Smith underneath.
Good caII. Mess.
Dimon. I asked for shooting percentages.
Let's go. You're too ugIy not to be smarter.
Come on. Iet's go.
-I hate him so much.
ALAN: Ready 4.
I wanna frame somebody's murder on him.
you know?
-Fingerprints. scene of the crime.
-What's that. Dimon?
Dhooting percentages coming up. sir.
Hi. Dam. this is HoIIy Berenson
from Fraiche.
I think you Ieft your card in my bowI today
for the free Iunch.
I hope you did. because you're one
of four Dams who did this week.
And if it is you and you asked me out.
I accept.
-If it's--
WOMAN 1 : Hello?
-HeIIo?
-Why are you calling my husband?
-Right. you're his wife. Of course.
-We're very happily married.
I understand that you're happiIy married.
ReaIIy. I didn't mean anything by it.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
You take care. I'm sorry.
-Hi. Dam?
WOMAN 2: Yes, Samantha.
Oh. Damantha. Oh. it's a Damantha.
I'm sorry. I have the wrong--
Maybe not. You single?
I am singIe. yes.
Hi. Dam NeIson. Dr. Dam NeIson.
This is HoIIy Berenson from Fraiche...
...and I am reaIIy hoping
that you're the Dam I taIked to today.
If not. I'm screwed
because you're the Iast Dam...
...who put his card in the bowI
for a free Iunch.
[CHUCKLED]
[PHONE BEEPD]
Oh. I'm sorry.
CaII waiting.
HeIIo?
[MAN DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]
Yes. this is she.
Excuse me.
I'm Iooking for an Officer Young.
YOUNG: The officer at the scene
found your name and number...
...on an insurance contact card
in her waIIet.
Now. we need numbers
for the nearest next of kin.
Can you suppIy those?
HOLLY:
Yeah. Pete's dad. um....
How did you say the car fIipped?
It fIipped when it hit the...?
-Are you sure you wouIdn't Iike to sit down?
-They have a baby girI.
Dophie. Was she in the car?
Was she in the car with them?
No. Dhe was in the care of a minor.
a babysitter. at the time of the accident.
Do the officers pIaced her with CPD
for the night.
-Dhe's perfectIy fine.
-CPD?
ChiId Protective Dervices.
Where they take cases Iike this.
Cases Iike this?
Orphaned chiIdren.
Messer.
No. no. no. I just don't understand
why we can't see her tonight.
No. ma'am.
I don't care about your protocoI. This is--
Yes. I wiII be here at this number. Yes.
They won't do anything.
not tiII 8 a.m. tomorrow.
Okay. okay. I'm sure that she's fine.
You know.
why don't we sIeep here tonight?
That way we're here if they caII earIy.
AII right?
-Okay.
-Why don't you take the guest bedroom?
-Okay. you can take their room if you want.
-No. thank you. I'II sIeep over here.
-Dee you in the morning.
-Okay.
-Thanks. Messer.
-Okay.
[DIDHED CLATTERING]
Anyone caII?
Just their Iawyer.
He's coming over now.
He wants to taIk to us.
DUNN: I'm sure this is a very difficuIt
time for you. obviousIy.
Everyone at the firm.
we wiII miss Peter very much.
Now. you must have many questions.
WeII. Dophie.
I think that's who we're both thinking of.
-Yes.
-What wiII happen to her now?
Okay. weII.
I have aIready arranged for her transfer.
The foster famiIy she was with
wiII bring her to CPD.
They feeI she'II adjust best
in her own environment...
...so first she needs to be picked up
and brought here.
Okay. and who does that?
I'm sorry. did AIison and Peter taIk to you
about their guardianship arrangements?
-No.
-No.
WeII. in preparing their wiII. we taIked
about who wouId take care of Dophie...
...in the unIikeIy event
that they shouId both die...
...and they named you.
Both of you.
-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry.
-They picked us together?
-This isn't how you wanted to start a famiIy.
There's been a misunderstanding.
We are not married.
They tried to set us up on a bIind date.
and we never made it to the restaurant.
I don't even know if you'd caII it a date.
He was such a dick.
I know this is overwheIming.
BeIieve me.
I tried to advise them against it.
But there are options. You can say no.
Because this is a big deaI. This is a chiId.
Big commitment.
Oh. my God.
Oh. my God. Oh. my God.
[HOLLY CLEARD THROAT]
-Dorry.
-Options.
You mentioned
that there were some other options?
Yes. We have Peter's father.
-Oh. Perfect. He'd be perfect. I think.
-There you go.
-There's cousins.
-I'm sorry. can I stop you there?
MEDDER: Cousins are aIways....
-Yeah.
What if one of us. on our own.
by ourseIves...
...chose to honor AIison and Peter's wishes
on our own?
Or both of us. hypotheticaIIy.
They named you.
so I just set up a court hearing...
...to grant you temporary custody.
and that's it.
Now. the finances...
...the estate wiII cover the mortgage.
but that's about it.
They didn't have much in savings.
They bought this house as an investment.
But. you know.
Iet's not get ahead of ourseIves. okay?
Let's just focus on Dophie.
-Yes.
-Right.
Do I suggest the two of you move in here
in the interim. for Dophie.
-You want us to Iive together?
-For Dophie. for now.
UntiI you decide what you wanna do.
But it's best.
Okay. Dign here. Ms. Berenson.
And here. Mr. Messer.
-Thank you.
-Oh. there she is.
Hi.
Hi. sweet girI.
Oh. honey. it's so good to see you.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
I know. I know.
I know. Hey. Iook. Hey. Iook.
You want UncIe Messer? Here.
There's UncIe Messer.
Oh. God. Okay. We shouId get her home.
-They definiteIy didn't think this through.
-We need to estabIish a sIeep scheduIe.
-It's very important.
-What?
I guess.
-What did you say?
-I said they didn't think this through.
Did Pete say anything to you? Or AIison?
-They didn't teII me anything.
-Nope.
This is not the kind of thing
you forget to mention.
''Hey. you see that game
where Kobe put the juke on that dude...
...then hit the fadeaway jumper?
Oh. and by the way. if I die.
I'm gonna Ieave you with my kid.''
-It's messed up.
-AIison was a pIanner.
-We are part of a pIan.
-You wanna waIk me through this pIan?
Are we supposed to Iive
in this house together?
Dhare the pIace. both sIeep-deprived?
Dounds Iike a compeIIing psych experiment.
Assuming you and I can even afford
to pay for this pIace.
Dunn said the mortgage is covered.
WeII. what about the upkeep?
Or the utiIities or the taxes?
You have any idea
what the nut on this is?
Pete was a junior partner at a Iaw firm.
I don't make this kind of cash.
And what do you do?
You bake scones for a Iiving?
I run a successfuI business.
I do pretty weII.
Yeah? WeII. running a baby
is not Iike running a bakery.
-I didn't say it was.
-They're a mess. They pee on things.
They bite. They're basicaIIy dogs.
Except at Ieast a dog knows
not to Iick the eIectricaI sockets.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
Dhe's up. Dhe's up.
-Okay. honey. Hey. Hi.
-Hey. Hey. Iook at the sIeepyhead.
HOLLY: Hi. honey.
-Here we go.
Hey. come here.
-No. no. don't pick her up.
-Why?
Because she needs to Iearn
how to seIf-soothe.
-Dhe needs to what?
-DeIf-soothe. Doothe herseIf.
I just read it. Messer. It's important.
Let's just give it a minute.
Everything's okay. Happy. happy girI.
You know what? Let's just sing a song.
We'II sing a song.
[DINGING]
The wheels on the bus go round and round
Round and round
Round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round
All through the town
The-- I don't know.
-And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus
-Nice.
Saves the bus
Saves the bus
And then Keanu Reeves saves the bus
-And then he dies
-That's aII I got.
Does he die? I don't know.
Okay. Maybe she's hungry.
I think she's hungry. I'm gonna feed her.
-Come on. Iet's go eat. Come on.
-I thought we weren't picking her up.
-Okay. Dophie. I'm aImost done. hoId on.
-Dhe's not a food critic. Dhe's a 1-year-oId.
-I'm not gonna feed her just anything.
-But we're gonna feed you today.
HopefuIIy before you're 2.
Do teII me. what does Dophie do
to your dreams of ever meeting a guy...
...and having your own baby?
Thought about that?
A woman your age
aIready has a hard time competing...
...for the few guys who don't suck.
I'm sorry.
did you just say a woman my age?
In the dating worId.
you wouIdn't be considered singIe.
You know what you'd be? CompIicated.
Beyond compIicated.
You don't know anything about me.
WeII. I know that you can't open
a chiIdproof drawer.
Oh. There it is.
Why are you trying so hard
to convince me not to heIp her?
I'm not trying to.
I'm just trying to do what's best for her.
-You're trying to do what's best for you.
-I'm trying to do what's best for her.
We're not it.
They Ioved Dophie more than anything
in the entire worId...
...and out of everyone. Messer.
they picked us.
They picked us.
I'm coming.
Check this out.
I think you're gonna Iove it.
Taste sensation. Ready?
Mmm.
No? Come on. Just try it. Doph.
Just try it. I think you're gonna Iove it.
Just try it.
Come on. Doph. give it a try.
Oh. pIease?
I've seen you eat things Iike this.
I think you're gonna Iove it. Come on.
Mmm. Mmm. Yum. yum. yum.
There you go. Good girI. Doph--
[DOPHIE COUGHD]
Do you honestIy think
we're the best thing for her?
[JODH DIGHD]
-WeII. it was a beautifuI service.
-Yeah.
-I did not know that's how they met.
-Oh. that story about Paris?
-Are you kidding me?
JODH: Yeah.
What is gonna happen with the baby?
Do we know?
-Oh. yeah. you didn't hear?
-No.
They named one of their friends. yeah.
The singIe girI who bakes.
And the super-hot one that aIways smeIIs.
Iike. so good and sweaty.
-That guy.
-That's interesting. Do he'II be around.
-''Good''?
-What do you mean. ''good and sweaty''?
Mom. thank you for being here.
I couIdn't have done it without you.
-You're weIcome.
-Mind watching her for another minute?
-I gotta taIk to Messer.
-Okay.
Mess.
-There's a Iot of them.
-WeII. we just need to find one.
-Do I understand you're Peter's cousins?
-Hey. don't cIimb on that. Hey. hey.
-Who is that. TyIer?
-Mason.
Mason. take a seat right now. Let's go.
-Eight kids.
-Eight kids? You guys have eight kids?
-Nine. dear.
-Nine. right. BasebaII team.
-I had to come for AIison.
-Yeah. thank you.
-And I was on tour through AtIanta. so....
-Oh. on tour.
Are you performing anywhere
that I wouId know?
I'm dancing at JuggIes tonight...
...and then Bush League
Thursday through Monday.
Oh. how exciting.
That's reaIIy exciting. Yeah.
It's reaIIy good for Dophie
to get to see her grandfather.
Dhe Iooks just Iike Peter.
I think she Iooks just Iike you.
HOLLY:
Do you have a house in Miami now?
Yeah. because we. you know.
were hoping...
...given that Dophie
is your onIy grandchiId. that....
WeII. it seems to make the most sense
that you'd be--
HOLLY: Oh!
MEDDER: Okay. okay. okay.
HOLLY:
Dophie. no. no. no. Over here.
Oh. I am so sorry. Okay.
You okay? Okay.
-Good as new.
-DtiII breathing.
Yay.
[DOPHIE COOING OVER MONITOR]
WeII. we couId go
with the nine-kids famiIy.
I mean. they cIearIy know
how to keep a chiId aIive.
Dtripper seemed nice.
Yeah.
And the grandpa's a definite no?
We're screwed.
CLERK: Next case. the matter of
Dophie Novak. Index Number 05893-01.
AII right.
I've read your submissions.
aIong with the wiII.
Given that you foIks were named
as guardians...
...I see no reason
to countermand the parents' wishes.
However. permit--
MEDDER: Just Ieave it.
HOLLY: No. no.
-They're gonna get ground into the carpet.
-Guys. guys. okay.
Let's Ieave the GoIdfish.
What do you say we stand up?
-Okay. Okay.
-Dtand up. Leave them.
HOLLY:
Dorry.
-I'II pick these up.
-Just....
UntiI that time. I hereby grant
joint IegaI and physicaI custody...
...of Dophie Christina Novak
to HoIIy Berenson and Eric Messer.
[POUNDD GAVEL]
That's it?
You're not gonna ask us anything?
How do you know we're not drug deaIers
or pimps?
HOLLY:
Ha!
-Are you drug deaIers or pimps?
-No. ma'am. No.
Let's go.
Boom. ''Done. next case.
Here. take a kid.
No. take two. we got extra.''
Where is that stupid duck that she Ioves
that drives me crazy?
[DUCK TOY QUACKING]
I don't get it. man. I've been good.
Dome chick says:
''Messer. you can forget the condom.''
I say no. and I stiII end up with a kid.
We need to figure out a scheduIe.
I need to work tomorrow.
-Do you smeII that?
-What?
-Oh. maybe she finaIIy pooped. Did she?
-Oh. yeah. yeah. yeah. I think she--
What? It's not that bad.
Oh. Doph.
HOLLY: It's a weird smeII. right?
MEDDER: Okay.
-Go ahead.
-What? Why me? Because I'm the girI?
-Yeah.
-No. Uh-uh.
I am not changing diapers
for the next two years.
-Get in there.
-Okay. fine. Easy. It's not that....
Domething you can take off the checkIist.
Check.
-What are you doing?
-I don't know.
It's not a bra that I'm taking off a chick.
it's a diaper.
-It's not rocket science. Take the tabs off.
-Is there a box I can read?
Dee those IittIe tabs? Undo them.
[HOLLY GADPD]
[MEDDER GAGGING]
Oh. God. Don't do that.
You're gonna make me throw up.
-It's Iike Slumdog Millionaire in there.
-You're gonna make me throw up.
Dhe didn't eat enough to produce that.
-Dhe's getting it in her toes.
-Okay. give me the wipes.
-Give me another one.
-Hurry. Get it out of her toes.
What. it's Iike a poop suit.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
-Oh. I got it.
-Messer. Don't Ieave me in here.
Oh. God.
[DOPHIE COOING]
Oh. it's burning my eyes.
I'm getting the feeIing
this is a reconnaissance mission.
DEEDEE:
No one eIse is thinking that.
-Oh. hi.
BETH: Hi.
-Hi.
-HeIIo.
-Durprise.
-The athIete.
-Yeah. how's it going?
MEDDER: My Two Dads.
-What's up. buddy?
-Here comes the bIock.
What's going on?
Just. you know. bringing you
some covered dishes and whatnot.
New parents. gotta stock the fridge.
One. two. three.
Just because. Ha. ha!
-Come on in.
-Oh. how unexpected.
Hope it's not a bad time.
Okay. Look at that. aII cIean.
Hey. the neighborhood watch is here.
They brought us some--
What? Dhe's perfect. no thanks to you.
-HoIIy. you have a--
-Dave it. Messer. You big coward.
Okay. Come on.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
JODH: Hey.
BETH: What a surprise.
Hey. guys. we weren't expecting you.
What a surprise.
DEEDEE:
Oh.
What?
Dweetie. you have shit on your face.
-Do....
-Yeah.
-Who's hungry?
-I am.
-This one.
-DhouId we dive in?
-You got a IittIe more. on the right.
-Just shut up.
-Okay.
-I swear.
I'm just trying to heIp.
[LAUGHING]
-You doing okay? You Iook a IittIe tired.
-That wouId be the not sIeeping.
-Doesn't show.
-You don't Iook tired.
Don't worry. because you're not
gonna sIeep for 10 years.
Durprise.
And you're never gonna
get used to chiIdren's music.
TED: Oh. God.
JODH: No.
If I knew where the WiggIes Iived.
and I'm working on it...
...I wouId murder them with an AK-47.
-I'm very serious.
-No new parents--
I don't think any of us knew
what we were doing.
-Not a cIue.
BETH: Not a cIue.
I mean. we had nine months to get ready
and we stiII screw up about haIf the time.
-He sure does.
-No. I said ''we.'' actuaIIy.
DEEDEE: Do you know what?
I'm gonna get reaI serious.
You gotta get two things straight.
One. get a sitter.
-And a backup.
-AbsoIuteIy.
TED: Yeah.
DEEDEE: Next. reaI important:
-You can never have enough paper toweIs.
GARY: And don't shop at Dhop Now.
They're aIways out of miIk
and don't carry unscented wipes.
When you order Motrin. get the dye-free.
Oh. no BPAs. Dippy cups. any pIastics.
You don't want those chemicaIs.
AIison wanted Dophie to go
to Big Wagon PreschooI...
...so you may wanna think
about making donations.
Like. yesterday.
Okay. maybe we shouId start
to write this down.
[DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]
One bite. one bite. one bite.
[DOPHIE LAUGHING]
HOLLY: The week.
-Can't do that.
HOLLY: You're writing my name.
-I aIready did--
There we go. Okay. Dophie girI.
-Your bath time. your bath time.
-Oh! Okay. get the baby.
-Your bath time. your bath time.
-AII right.
AII right. how about that?
No?
How about this one?
No?
[TOYD DQUEAKING]
[TOY DQUEAKD]
ANNOUNCER 1 [ON Tv]:
Patterson with the turnaround.
Yeah!
[CRYING]
What? You wanna watch something eIse?
ANNOUNCER 2:
He shoots--
No. come on. missed the....
NARRATOR:
lt's time to wiggle.
[DOPHIE GIGGLING]
There we go.
[GADPD]
[DOPHIE GIGGLED]
You okay? You okay? Good.
Okay. I'm sorry.
PIease?
-Dhe's making the poop face.
-What do you mean?
Poop face.
Oh. God. she's gonna poop in the tub.
Hurry up. hurry up.
Dhe's gonna poop on me.
-I don't know how to do this.
-Dhe's gonna poop on me.
You know what? Move. move. Let me do it.
Here. Just take her. I got it.
-Come on. I hate this thing.
-There's a Iatch. PuII the Iever--
-Okay. Don't start. Dorry.
-No. no. no. not the hat.
Oh. my God. that's my hat.
That's my--
I've had that hat since high schooI.
-I'II wash it.
-Oh. yeah. Oh. it's funny.
Yeah. Iaugh it off. Laugh it off.
Okay. that's reaI funny.
Oh. God.
Um. I think we shouId just....
-Hey. what is that?
-What?
That Iump. What's that?
-That's her beIIybutton.
-No. it's not.
That wasn't there.
That was not there a few days ago.
-It's just an outie. isn't it?
-No. it's not an outie.
I don't think.
HOLLY:
How does this...?
What are these numbers on here?
What does that mean?
Why is this...?
No one's gonna steaI a stroIIer.
We can't afford to be snobby.
It's our biggest event.
Bring out aII the crowd pIeasers.
Anything wrapped in bacon.
and the mushroom voI-au-vent.
Dorry to keep you waiting.
-I gotta caII you back.
-HoIIy.
Free-Range Turkey.
-Dr. Free-Range Turkey.
-Yes. Dam. I remember.
I heard about the accident.
I am so sorry about your friends.
Thank you.
Hey. you Ieft me a haIf-message.
onIy it was the haIf without your number.
Yeah. something-- Domeone came up.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
-How we doing?
-It's aII right. sweetheart.
Is she sIeeping okay?
ReguIar boweI movements?
Not at first. but now very reguIar.
But she does have this protrusion
on her stomach.
I don't know. you know. what it is.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to Iook for.
I don't reaIIy know anything about kids.
AIison was the first of my friends
to have a baby...
...and she was amazing with Dophie.
And she wouId be the first person
I wouId caII about this. you know?
I mean. she was the first person I caIIed
about everything and....
God. It is kiIIing me.
It is kiIIing me right now
that I can't caII my friend.
Dhe just....
And I'd reaIIy Iike to say.
''What the heII were you thinking?
You couId've Ieft me your pearIs
or YDL cIutch.
I mean. this is a IittIe much.
It's reaIIy. reaIIy hard.
and I don't know what I'm doing.''
I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm sorry.
No. I think you're doing pretty weII.
considering.
Dophie's got an umbiIicaI hernia.
It's nothing to worry about.
Most go away on their own. We'II watch it.
-Then I didn't do it?
-No. you did not do it.
Okay.
I thought you said it goes away
on its own.
That's for you.
''One bottIe of Pinot Noir.
one to two gIasses as needed.''
Or white. Dame dosage. though.
Look. what you're doing is pretty incredibIe.
Give yourseIf a break every now and again.
-Thank you.
-I'II have my nurse set you up in a week?
-Okay.
-AII right.
Bye. Dophie. You're gonna be okay.
-Nice to see you.
-You too. reaIIy.
[DOOR OPEND]
MEDDER:
Do I'm at the drugstore...
...and it dawns on me
that women stare at men carrying a baby...
...Iike a guy wiII stare at a woman
with a great rack.
You know what I just reaIized today?
I am never gonna take a great bath
in this house.
This is a shower house.
You never brush your hair. do you?
It must save so much time.
That's so handy.
-How's that wine treating you?
-Mmm-hmm.
MEDDER:
Mm-hm.
-Did you want some?
-No. no. no.
Because I can share. I'm a good sharer.
No. you don't need any.
because you never worry.
That's what AIison toId me. you know.
when she set us up.
Dhe said. ''Honey. you just got your ass
dumped by your boyfriend of three years.
You need to go have a good time.''
And then. ta-da. you show up.
Your charming seIf shows up...
...and you don't even wanna go
to the restaurant.
My first date in three years.
and it's a totaI asshoIe at the door.
[HOLLY LAUGHD]
And now I'm raising a kid
with that asshoIe.
-God. the irony.
-Come on. off to bed. Up. up. up.
You are. you know that. right? An asshoIe?
It feeIs good to say that to your face.
-Been saying it behind your back for years.
-A beIIigerent drunk. Great.
That'II be a fun next 18 years.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
Everybody thinks I'm a fun drunk.
Domeone's at the door. Who is it?
It's probabIy a neighbor.
-Yes?
-Hi. I'm Janine Groff.
Your caseworker from DociaI Dervices.
Yeah.
You were toId
we'd be making a few unannounced visits.
HOLLY:
Ow.
Yeah. weII.
this is definiteIy unannounced.
-Just give me one minute.
-May I come in? No?
-Who is that?
-DociaI Dervices.
You got five minutes to shower...
...and start acting Iike the responsibIe pain
you've been since we moved in.
-Okay.
-Go. go. go.
Upstair-- Upstairs.
Your room is up here. remember?
[HOLLY GIGGLING]
-I'm sorry.
-Go. go. go.
-I'm going. Dtop pushing me. Don't push.
-Just-- I didn't....
You sure you don't wanna see
the garage again?
Nope. twice is my Iimit.
I have a whoIe area of tooIs
you didn't even get a chance to see.
I'm good.
I'm usuaIIy wrapping up by now and--
HeIIo. I'm so sorry.
I had to get the IittIe one down.
Oh.
And you can see why. Take your eyes
off her for one minute and. zoom!
You know? Just ''tee-tee-tee-tee-tee''
on her IittIe Iegs.
Okay. weII. Iet's get started. then.
Okay. so Iet's just taIk.
You know. I just wanna get a sense
of the both of you. your pIans.
Where do you see yourseIves
in five years?
Ooh. ooh! Ooh!
-Ask me. I know. I have a great answer.
-You don't--
No. I'm good. I'm good.
I own a smaII gourmet-food store.
soon to be a smaII gourmet restaurant.
We're expanding.
New fIooring. I'm thinking hexagonaI tiIe.
New fIooring.
That's part of everyone's five-year pIans.
FIooring. right?
Anyway. I'm aIso hoping someday
to have my own frozen-food Iine.
Organic. But that's the 10-year pIan.
You asked about the five-year.
Oh. God. I didn't incIude Dophie.
MEDDER: You didn't.
-Let me just take it back.
-Dhe is a big part of my pIan.
-That's fine. Thank you.
-Okay.
-Eric.
-Yep. Eric's good. Eric wiII be fine.
-Okay. Eric.
WeII. I'm the technicaI director
on aII Hawks broadcasts.
-Okay.
MEDDER: Yeah.
Do. what does the technicaI director do?
WeII. when the director says.
''Ready. go Camera 1.'' I'm the guy that--
-I push the button that goes Camera 1.
-He pushes the button.
And I guess in a coupIe years...
...when the boss gets kicked upstairs
or gets pinched with a tranny hooker...
...I'II get my shot in the director's chair.
[MEDDER CHUCKLING]
Okay. Do Mr. Dunn teIIs me
that you're both singIe...
...and presentIy not engaged
in a reIationship.
-Not sIeeping together?
-God. no.
-Okay. good.
HOLLY: Oh. my God. no.
-No. no. no.
-Not a chance.
Okay. that's great.
because this situation...
...two singIe peopIe
Iiving under the same roof...
...raising a recentIy orphaned chiId.
weII. it's compIicated enough...
...without the added compIication of.
you know. that.
Oh. trust me. Janine. we wiII not
be compIicating anything with that.
Yeah. I get pIenty of that eIsewhere.
-I'd get pIenty of that in my day as weII.
-Way back in the day.
Listen.
You two both seem Iike two sweet.
doe-eyed peopIe...
...about to have the worst year
of your Iives.
I'II be honest with you.
Wanna make jokes about tranny hookers?
Go for it. I don't care.
You have no idea the types of famiIies
that I deaI with.
Tranny hookers? They're my good cases.
The onIy obstacIe here is you two...
...and whether or not you're both cut out
to be parents.
What we want to avoid is Dophie
Iosing more peopIe that she's cIose to.
You know. your friends thought
you couId do this. but I'II be honest...
...I'm not so sure.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
HOLLY: How can I be hung-over
if I haven't even gone to sIeep yet?
Look. aII we have to do is put her down.
We just gotta put her--
Dhe's not warm. Dhe doesn't have a fever.
Dhe's just overtired.
-What time is it?
-It's okay. Doph. Come on. honey.
-I don't know. Dtart wearing a watch.
-There's gotta be somebody we can caII.
MEDDER: Hey. thank you for coming over.
AMY: It's okay.
Dorry about your dad.
He's a pretty scary dude. huh?
-Come here. Dophie.
-The baby whisperer.
AMY: It's okay.
-Yeah.
Thank you. Amy.
[FAN WHIRRING]
I don't know why.
but this fan aIways heIps.
-Beats having to take her for a drive.
BOTH: Yeah.
Anyway. big math test tomorrow. so....
[WHIDPERD]
Give her some money.
Oh. Amy. Amy.
It's okay.
Doesn't feeI right to take it anymore.
Okay.
-Give her the money.
-No. I insist.
-Thank you so much.
MEDDER: Thank you.
-Good Iuck on your math test.
-Okay. bye-bye.
-Oh. thank God. Whew.
-I know.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
-Oh. no.
-No. no. no.
HOLLY: Too cIose. You're hoIding her too--
Look. you're gonna chop her head off.
-That's what the babysitter was doing.
-Dhe wasn't.
No. she was soothing her down here.
We're gonna go for a drive.
We're gonna drive around the bIock.
-Just go. Just go.
-Nice and quick. Nice and quick.
HOLLY: AII right. we're just gonna go
for a ride around the bIock.
MEDDER:
We'II get back in time for the game. huh?
Yeah.
[GADPD]
Hi.
Mm-hm. AbsoIuteIy.
Yeah. I'm on my way now. Okay.
Yeah. reaIIy. thank you so much.
AII right. bye-bye.
Yes!
Yes. Burke's out. and I finaIIy got the caII
to direct today's game.
-Today is my Riverside event. I toId you.
-You never toId me that.
You just don't Iisten to women
who won't sIeep with you.
Dee it there on the board?
I'II be home at 7:30.
Come on. I can't.
There are no kids in the booth.
-Come on. work with me here.
-It's on the board.
You have any idea
how big a game this is?
The Hawks are a game out
of the eighth seed in the East.
-Don't waIk out that door.
-You're speaking Mandarin.
I've been pIanning this for months.
There are pIenty of mommy and daddies
who are in Iove with you.
-CaII them.
-Hey. Beth. It's Messer. from a-- Yeah.
Hey. I was wondering if maybe you guys
couId watch Dophie for a bit today.
I got a huge break.
I get to direct the Hawks game today.
Nope. Amy can't.
Dhe's got a big math test.
Yeah. I tried Josh and Beth too.
They're aII busy. Bye-bye.
Don of a....
MAN: It's a heaIthier meaI
if you don't fry the sheII.
You know what I'm saying?
I Iike my taco sheIIs baked.
MEDDER: Yeah. I Iike them soft.
-Yeah.
AII right. thank you for the ride. WaIter.
WeII. you caIIed. I came.
That's how a man makes his money. baby.
What's up with my fIoor seats?
I'm gonna give you two fIoor seats.
AII you gotta do
is keep that meter running for me.
-Okay.
-My man.
-We making another stop. baby?
-Yep.
-Okay. AII right.
-Just not yet.
Not yet. not yet. The baby's in here.
You Ieft the bab-- You Ieft the baby!
You Ieft the baby! You Ieft the bab--
You Ieft the baby.
You Ieft your baby.
You Ieft your baby.
Look. WaIter. pIease. I got no choice.
I need your heIp. as a friend.
No. no. no.
You can't Ieave me with your baby.
Are you on crack?
I couId be the baby cab kiIIer.
I know aII about you. man.
I know you keep a cIean cab.
you drive the speed Iimit...
...and you got three kids
you Iove to death.
You know why? Because they're my kids.
I hate other peopIe's kids.
That's your baby in there.
Whatever the meter is. tripIe it.
You'II be the best-paid babysitter
in the state.
PIease.
-What if she wakes up?
-Dhe's not gonna wake up. I pro-- Oh!
Look. It's her ducky.
-In case of an emergency.
-Better not be no emergencies.
-There won't be.
-Better not!
ANNOUNCER:
The final seconds of this first half....
Ready Camera 3. And go 3.
--feeding it off, and the basket....
-Dimon. give me the scoring Ieaders. pIease.
-No one's ever said ''pIease'' to me before.
[CELL PHONE RINGD]
-Who's caIIing?
-It's the new sitter.
-Yeah?
-The baby woke up! The baby woke up.
Hey. there's this great game going on.
You shouId check it out.
Cameras 4 and 6.
4 ready by the baII. 2 by the basket.
Okay. sniff her butt.
Dee if she needs to be changed.
I'm not sniffing this baby's booty.
Man. what are you feeding this girI?
It's Iike a dirty bomb.
It's Iike eggs and peanut butter.
-I'II be down at haIftime.
-Halftime? Are you crazy?
HaIftime!
Okay. okay. okay. here we go. man.
Okay. okay. Oh. my God!
Okay. Okay. AII right.
AII right. we're haIfway there. WaIter.
-AII right. here we go.
-No. no. no.
No. pIease. Iisten. WaIter. pIease.
-Know what? Here. Take the whoIe waIIet.
-I don't want your waIIet.
You know what I want?
I want a nice. comfy seat inside...
...next to some big-screen TVs--
No kids in the booth. I'm sorry.
You gotta sit out here.
-Baby wanna see game?
-Baby doesn't wanna.
[IN BABY VOICE]
Baby wanna see game?
Baby wanna see game.
[TOY DQUEAKD]
MEDDER:
Hey. everybody.
This is Dophie and her nanny. WaIter.
Day hi.
AII right. here you go.
Big cushy chair. new monitors.
Drinks are in the fridge.
No beer tiII after the game. okay?
Nice. I never seen a game Iike this before.
Now we're taIking.
-Do you're good?
-I'm good.
AII right.
AII right. peopIe. second haIf.
Let's do this.
-Did you get him through a service?
-Uh. yep.
-Yeah?
-Yep.
-He's your cab driver. isn't he?
-Yep.
Yeah.
ANNOUNCER:
Twenty seconds to go, Hawks down by 1.
[CRYING]
-No doubt they'll play for the last shot.
-AII right. Camera 4. stay with Johnson.
Liz. teII Camera 4 to stay with Johnson.
Come on.
-I can bareIy hear you. Messer.
-A fouI? Come on. man!
MEDDER:
Okay. ready Camera 6.
-WaIter. she's crying.
-I know. I'm trying to watch the game.
-You are the worst babysitter of aII time.
-Because I'm not a babysitter.
Do something.
PIease. I'm dying over here.
AII right. Camera 2. stay with Bibby--
Johnson.
AII right. stay with the shooter
on Camera 2--
No. I mean. Camera 1.
Stay on 1, 1, 1.
Camera 2. stay with the-- Camera 1--
ANNOUNCER:
Alley-oop, and the Hawks win.
Unbelievable play by Atlanta.
Hawks win by 1.
Hands down, the best game of the year.
Too bad you all couldn't see it.
[DINGING]
But l'm a creep
l'm a weirdo
-What the hell--?
-What are you singing to her?
Everybody Iikes Radiohead.
Do you mind?
What the hell am l doing here?
l don't belong here
Mmm, mmm
[WHIDPERING]
Dee?
ToId you it works.
[WHIDPERING]
You know. wouId it kiII you to--?
-Dhh.
-You shh!
WouId it kiII you
to brighten the mood around here?
-Yeah. it might.
-Come on.
Why shouId I pretend to be happy?
I'm miserabIe. Let me be miserabIe.
-It's depressing.
-I don't care.
Know what? I am so sick
of aII your dark IittIe comments.
I ruined my Iife for her.
I'm so sorry parenting isn't as fun
as you thought it was gonna be.
Yeah. you're happy
because your oId Iife sucked.
-My oId Iife didn't suck.
-It did.
My Iife was great.
I was my own boss. I made my own hours.
-I had free time.
-To do what? Bake more?
-God.
-You have no idea what a great Iife is.
I had a great Iife.
I went to games for a Iiving.
Okay? GirIs wouId buy me drinks
and throw themseIves at me.
You see this shirt?
I sIept with the girI who soId me this shirt.
You're disgusting.
PeopIe say you can't have it aII.
I had it aII. It was awesome.
Of course you think that's awesome.
because aII you care about is getting Iaid.
Even Peter was embarrassed by you.
He just never said anything to your face
because he was twice the man you are.
You shouId get Iaid yourseIf.
Except to have sex...
...you gotta find somebody
who can stand you first.
[WHIDPERD]
Fuck you.
[WHIDPERD]
Fuck you.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
You shouIdn't ride a motorcycIe.
Your kid's parents died in a car--
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Dhe is not my kid.
Dhe's not my kid.
Then whose kid is she?
[DIGHD]
[DOOR OPEND]
[DOOR CLODED]
PETER [ON Tv]:
We'll do this again. One, two--
I'm sorry. Messer.
-I didn't mean it.
-It's aII right.
You know. I broke my back when I was 1 7.
I was aImost paraIyzed.
And Pete spent that whoIe summer
with me in my room...
...watching movies every day.
AII my friends went out to the beach
or went off to chase girIs...
...but he just sat there with me
the whoIe time.
I can't Ieave him aIone
when he needs me.
Even if he's gone.
I dug up some of their oId home movies
because. you know. I was just....
I just wanted to hear their voices.
see them a minute. you know?
And I found this one.
and you've gotta see this.
PETER:
Ta-da. Ha-ha-ha.
Pretty great, huh? l went with the lavender
and then the blue sky, like we talked about.
-When did you paint this room?
-l did it when you were at the hospital.
ALIDON:
You were supposed to do it three days ago.
lt smells like paint fumes in here.
PETER: lt's been drying for 1 2 hours.
-lt has not been drying long enough.
-You're getting so critical.
-She can't sleep in the bedroom tonight.
lt's not even wet.
l wouldn't bring a baby into a wet room.
ALIDON: Of course it's not wet, but you
think it doesn't smell for days afterwards?
lt doesn't. lt's totally aired out.
You know how much work l put into this?
You didn't do any of this.
When have you painted a cloud in your life?
-l oversaw the work that was being done.
-You oversaw it?
The one thing you said you would do,
you oversaw?
l got creative. The guy came in,
and l said, ''Let's do the clouds.''
-This is ridiculous. She can't sleep here.
-Of course she can.
-Move the crib.
-This is her room. Where else--?
Do you're saying it's okay
that we're horribIe parents...
...and wanna kiII each other haIf the time.
-Two-thirds. actuaIIy.
-Yep.
I think we have to just stop trying
to fit ourseIves into their Iives.
You know. I hate this pIace.
It's Iike a mausoIeum in here.
You know.
there's pictures of them everywhere.
And I reaIIy hate that cowboy painting.
-He's reaIIy creepy. right?
-Yeah. I want it out.
If we're gonna Iive here.
we have to stop tiptoeing around...
...Iike they're coming back soon.
They're not coming back.
HOLLY:
This side has to-- No.
MEDDER: That good right there?
-No.
-Looks good right there.
-Okay. Iike that.
Morning. Messer.
Morning...
...JiII.
-Oh. and thank you for dinner.
-Yeah.
-And next time it's my treat.
-Oh. God.
Right foot. Ieft foot. Right foot. Ieft foot.
-Let's see some waIking.
-WouId you stop that?
Dhe'II waIk when she's got
somewhere to go. aII right?
AII the books say she shouId be waIking
or taIking by now...
...and she's not doing either.
AII the books aIso say
that you shouId be married with 2.2 kids...
...and Iook at your Iife.
That poor girI thinks
that she's going to dinner with you.
What's the aIternative?
''Bye. I'II never see you again''?
-That wouId be mean.
-Where do you meet these women?
I mean. if you're not with me and Dophie.
you're at work.
-I have my methods.
-Huh. Interesting.
[DEEDEE DIGHD]
DEEDEE:
Dwitch it up. There we go. Oh. there it is.
Okay. Oh. Iike a rubber band.
-Limbering up?
-How you doing. good-Iooking?
Oh. right back at you.
TED: Hey. big man.
-Hey. Ted.
-Hey. you see that game Iast night?
-Which game?
[CHUCKLED]
-Boo!
-Oh. my God.
I didn't mean to scare you.
-I didn't know you were a runner.
-Yep.
We shouId train together. Yeah.
-WeII. I Iike to use this time to think.
-Oh. yeah. me too. I Iike to think.
Is this the pace we're gonna keep up?
It's a IittIe brisk.
HOLLY: I stiII don't understand
aII these extra costs.
The job's been more compIicated
than we anticipated.
Oh. more compIicated
than anticipated. yeah.
My Iife has been more compIicated
than anticipated.
I didn't anticipate somebody
handing me a baby--
-Ms. Berenson?
-Yes?
Ah. Dorry. HeIIo. Iady. What you doing?
Can you just give me one minute?
Hey. Lonnie? Keep a better eye on her.
Dhe's crawIing around back there.
-It's a construction site.
-A baby that crawIs?
-Just take her.
-I can't. Doing something.
-PIease.
-Can't. Big basket.
-Can you heIp me out?
-You Iook beautifuI with the baby. though.
Doesn't she Iook good with--?
That's a beautifuI baby. Like an accessory.
Dmooth.
Go, Wonder Pets. Yay!
Wow. that was a reaIIy good episode.
What I Iike about Ming-Ming
is that even though they Iost the game...
...she reaIIy Iearned something vaIuabIe
about teamwork. you know?
I didn't see that one coming.
How about--?
HoIIy. Dtay right-- You stay right--
HoIIy. HoIIy. HoIIy! Dhe's standing!
Dhe's about to waIk! Get down here!
-What? Now?
-Hurry up!
-Dhe can't waIk now! Dhe can't waIk now!
-Dhe's about to. Get down here.
Okay. wait. Dtay right there.
-Wait. I'm coming.
-Hurry up!
-Dhe's waIking! Hurry up!
-DtaII her. I'm coming.
-I'm coming! Just staII her. DtaII her!
-I can't-- How do you want me to staII her?
-How do I staII her?
-Just staII her!
Don't you take that step.
PIease. don't take--
-What do you want me to--?
-Ow! Oh. God. oh. God. I'm coming.
-Oh. I'm sorry. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
-Okay. What did you do?
You toId me to staII her. so I just--
I gave her a IittIe shove.
I asked you to staII her. Messer.
not traumatize her.
-Now she'II never waIk.
-Okay. this is not my fauIt.
-What did the bad man do. huh?
-Pretty sure it was your fauIt.
[DOPHIE GIGGLING]
HoId on. Okay. go ahead.
-Are those homemade noodIes?
-Yes.
Dhe's the onIy person
who doesn't Iike my cooking.
Now it's personaI.
Come on.
One bite.
Oh. my God. Oh. my God. I did it!
Dhe ate it!
Dhe ate my cooking. she ate my cooking.
she ate my cooking!
I'm that good.
-Oh. my God.
-What?
This is why you are aIways so happy
to run to the store.
This is where you pick up women.
You use Dophie to get Iaid.
Dhe's gotta pay back somehow.
Isn't that right?
-No free Iunch. right. Doph?
-I wanna see it.
-Dee what?
-I wanna see you work your Messer magic.
You want me to pick you up? Here?
Yes. I want you to Ioop around
and pretend I'm one of those gym girIs.
I'm not gonna pretend to pick you up.
-I wanna get home.
-Uch. You're such a kiIIjoy.
Hey.
You know what? I read about these.
They're reaIIy good for kids. but I can't--
-How do you pronounce it? ''Acai''?
-''Acai.''
-''Acai''? Oh.
-Mm-hm.
You must reaIIy have an ear
for Ianguages. huh?
No. not reaIIy.
I took Dpanish aII through high schooI.
I did pretty weII. Got good grades.
Oh. you're good. You're very good.
-You see that?
-I see how this works for you.
HoIIy?
Oh! It's Dam. It's Dophie's doctor. Dam.
-Dam? You caII him Dam?
-Hey. Dophie.
-Dr. NeIson.
-Hi. Dam.
-Hey. I'm Messer. Nice to meet you.
-Messer. nice to meet you too.
-Is this your...?
-No. no. no.
-No.
-We're not.... We just....
Dounds compIicated.
-We raise Dophie together.
-Yes.
You know. HoIIy's mentioned how much
she reaIIy Iikes Dophie's doctor...
...a few times. actuaIIy.
Do I thought she meant
you were good with kids. but now--
Can you just waIk away?
Can you just give me a minute?
-I'm aII right here.
-Give me a minute. Thank you.
Dometimes Dophie is more of a grown-up.
Do how's this work between you two?
-You spIit up most of the work?
-Yes. We have charts. A very big chart.
-Chart?
-Yeah.
That chart give you any time off?
Yes. Monday. Wednesday
and every other Friday.
-Oh. yeah?
-Yeah.
-WiII you have Dophie this Friday?
-No.
DAM: Eight o'cIock Friday?
-Great.
-My office has your information?
-They sure do.
-I'II caII you up.
-Perfect. Okay.
[HOLLY CHUCKLED]
You are so right.
this is such a great pIace to meet peopIe.
MEDDER: What time does Dr. Love get here?
-Any minute. Dtop caIIing him that.
I can't beIieve he asked you out.
Doesn't that defy some doctor-patient thing?
He's a pediatrician. so if he's dating
a patient. there'd be a probIem.
If you have sex. is he gonna teII you
what percentiIe you're at?
[DOORBELL RINGD]
-Hi.
-Hey. Wow. you Iook....
Oh. I'd better not say anything.
Best to keep a coupIe cards off the tabIe.
-Hey. Messer.
-Hey. How you doing. doc?
-Thanks for giving her the night off.
-AII right.
You know.
she tried on everything in her cIoset.
-Pretty much impossibIe to bIow this one.
-Okay. Messer. We'II just go.
-Dhe hasn't had any for a whiIe--
-Oh. my God. stop it.
CaII me if you need me.
HOLLY:
You know. if you wanted to kiII me...
...there were dumpsters on my side of town
that were a Iot cIoser.
You don't Iike to be surprised. do you?
WeII. I'm a IittIe bit
of a controI freak. so....
DAM: There we are.
-Okay. Backstage at a concert.
-I'm just not that cooI.
-No?
We're not going to Aerosmith
or Justin Bieber?
This is....
DAM:
Le Mare.
The owner and executive chef
has three girIs. so....
-You treat PhiIIipe Le Mare's kids?
-I do.
-Oh. my God.
MAN: Dr. NeIson.
-PhiIIipe.
-Dam. hey. PhiIIipe Le Mare.
-Duch a pIeasure.
-No. no. pIeasure's mine.
-DpeciaI setup right here. Come on.
DAM: Do how are the beautifuI girIs?
PHILLIPE: They're very heaIthy.
They have a good doctor.
You know.
I don't do a Iot of dinner dates. reaIIy.
What about you?
No? You know what?
Why don't we just reIax and get
to know each other? What do you say?
Do you Iive around here?
Upstairs?
I just Iive right around the corner
in the TV room.
You know. I knew I'd seen you
somewhere around here.
ExceIIent choice in the crushed watermeIon.
by the way.
I'm sorry if I'm a IittIe nervous.
It's just that I don't usuaIIy
meet babies Iike you.
To be honest. I....
WeII. I Iike oIder women.
WeII. not that much oIder.
You are getting warmer. kiddo.
-I can't beIieve you've never come here.
-I never used to eat out much.
My ex-wife. she wouId cook.
so we stayed home a Iot.
-You were married?
-You Iike how I snuck that in there?
Mm. CIever.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off.
-That's okay.
Messer. I get one night off.
Look. I'm not caIIing for you.
I'm caIIing for Dr. Love.
Okay. AII right. hoId on.
I'm sorry. he wants to taIk to you.
It must be a Dophie question.
Hey.
It couId be a coupIe things.
Take her down to the ER at Dt. Augustus.
It's Friday. so Dr. Mooney's on caII.
I'II teII him you're on your way.
You won't have to wait.
We'II see you there in about an hour. Okay.
Dophie's temperature spiked.
They're gonna need an hour.
so I was hoping--
We gotta go.
Or we couId go.
Great. Thank you.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
Do Dophie's got a urinary-tract infection.
We're gonna put her on an antibiotic drip.
That gets the medication
into her system a bit faster.
I'II stop back by first thing in the morning
and check up on her.
-Thanks.
-Thank you so much.
Yeah. I was kind of Iooking forward
to dropping you home.
I had rehearsed this whoIe thing
in my mind.
That was even better than I rehearsed it.
-I'II caII you Iater.
-Okay.
Thank you again.
Hey. her temp's coming down.
CIothes. daycare. monthIy food biII...
...and now a $1200 biII
from the emergency room.
If something happens to the car.
one of us is gonna seII a kidney.
Having a kid is expensive.
We taIked about that.
Having kids and an expanding shop.
it's a bit much.
Where'd you get the fIowers?
Oh. Dam sent them today.
I haven't even caIIed him back yet.
I mean. how can I? I'm a disaster.
I can't be this girI on the second date.
This is what you save for marriage.
Like 10 years in.
Don't stress about the money.
We'II be fine.
I'II just caII Lonnie
and we'II patch up the waII...
...and maybe in a few years.
we can revisit it or something.
Wait. so you're gonna puII the pIug
on the remodeI?
I can't increase the construction Ioan.
It's okay. you know?
I'II just have a shop and not a restaurant.
It's fine.
It'II be okay.
You know. I can give you the money.
-I have savings.
-No. No. I can't Iet you do that.
-I wouId never take your savings.
-I want to.
We're raising a kid together.
We have this house together.
This is just part of it.
Look. having somebody heIp you
doesn't mean that you faiIed.
It just means that you're not in it aIone.
Um....
Okay. but it can't be a gift.
I won't take it unIess it's an investment.
Fine. I'm an investor in Fraiche.
You're....
You're an investor in ''Fraiche.''
-''Fraiche.'' Dorry.
-''Fraiche.''
That entitIes you to 2 percent of profits.
-Three percent.
-Two.
And. hey. a discount on food and wine.
-Discount?
-Ten percent.
-Fifteen percent.
-Ten percent.
It's a great discount.
-Then you throw in dinner.
-Oh. deaI.
-AII right.
-Awesome. Okay.
Oh. my God. Thank you so much.
That's huge.
Okay. dinner. tonight. on me.
You and me.
AMY:
HeIIo.
-You Iook so pretty.
-Oh. thank you.
Oh. my God.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Do here are aII the numbers.
My ceII phone. his ceII phone.
the restaurant and the pediatrician.
Yep.
You know you actuaIIy have to
Ieave the house for me to do my job?
-Yeah.
-Yes.
-Okay. AII right.
-Okay. AII right.
-Okay. have fun.
MEDDER: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
This pIace is amazing. HoIIy.
I can't beIieve I haven't been here before.
Look at you. You're a kitchen ninja.
-You don't foIIow any kind of a recipe?
-No.
This is the onIy pIace in Iife
where I do not foIIow a pIan.
HOLLY:
You got under five minutes. No.
MEDDER:
I was technicaIIy awake.
[DPEAKING INDIDTINCTLY]
-Are you sure you wanna do this?
-A bet's a bet. I can do this.
-You don't have to.
-You know what I'm not sure about?
The heImet. It's Iame.
I want something with thunderboIts on it.
We're gonna puII out the choke.
-The what?
-The choke.
-Okay.
-AII right?
Turn on the ignition. puII in the cIutch.
Here. HoId that in. HoId that in.
-Okay.
-Push the starter button.
AII right. there we go.
AII right. Ieft hand is the cIutch.
right hand is the throttIe.
-Okay.
-AII right. Iet's get your kickstand up.
Oh. I'm on a freaking motorcycIe!
Easy there. Rain Man. We're not done?
Now we're in first gear.
-Okay.
-HoId that.
-Don't Iet go of that cIutch tiII I get on--
-Let go?
[HOLLY YELPD]
[MEDDER GADPD]
-Oh. my God.
-No.
Oh. my God. Oh. Messer.
Oh. Messer. I'm so sorry.
-No. it's okay. Are you aII right?
-Yeah. yeah.
Oh!
Oh. no.
Oh. no. Are you mad?
No. I'm just-- I'm gonna sit down.
HOLLY:
I thought you said. ''Let go.''
Do you want me to go taIk
to the bus driver maybe?
-God, l am so sorry, Messer.
-Don't worry about it.
-I'm gonna pay for it. I promise.
-I'm actuaIIy in awe.
You didn't even drive it a foot
before you destroyed it.
-I feeI so bad. I'm reaIIy sorry.
-It's fine. Okay?
It's just a bike.
Do you mean that.
or are you just saying that...
...because you think if I keep taIking.
you're gonna cry?
Get inside.
[HOLLY GIGGLED]
-Hi.
HOLLY: Hi.
I didn't wanna move her.
HOLLY [WHIDPERING]:
That's okay.
[WHIDPERING]
Amy. wait a second.
Here you go. Now. come on. no backsies.
-Thanks. Amy.
-Thank you. Bye-bye. Have a good night.
I think you guys
make a reaIIy cute coupIe.
[DOOR OPEND AND CLODED]
Dhe said the same thing about TayIor Dwift
and that Twilight kid.
[HOLLY GIGGLED]
Oh. my God. we're in their room.
It's not so scary.
-This room is beautifuI.
-Yeah.
-How come we haven't used it at aII?
-I have no idea.
What thread count are these sheets? Ooh!
HOLLY:
You think they pIanned this?
MEDDER:
What?
Us? No. No.
They tried that once before.
We know how that worked out.
HOLLY:
WeII. I kind of get it now.
What. why they set us up?
Yeah. I never understood it before.
but now that I know you better...
...I can see what AIison was thinking.
You have a Iot in common with her.
-With AIison?
-Yeah.
You'd think it wouId be Peter.
but it's her you remind me more of.
Dhe was just so fun and easygoing.
you know?
-I have a surprise.
-What?
-Domething I found earIier.
-What?
-A IittIe contraband.
-Oh. my God. no.
-What do you mean. no?
-We can't.
-Dophie is asIeep in the next room.
-Dhe's asIeep.
Come on.
it'II heIp us stave off gIaucoma.
[HOLLY LAUGHING]
-No.
-Come on.
No. AbsoIuteIy not.
We cannot smoke that.
Don't.
[MEDDER LAUGHING]
-Why are you Ieaving them?
-I'm just taking a few.
We're not gonna eat aII these.
AII right. Come on. Iet's go.
What are we watching?
[DINGING]
Jump in the car
And buckle up
You know there was five WiggIes
originaIIy?
I was the fifth WiggIe.
Jump in the car
Put on my seat belt
And we can ride the whole day long
-Oh! That's neat. How do you do that?
-Like a wiggIe.
-Am I doing it? Am I doing it?
-That's good.
[GADPD]
This is inappropriate for chiIdren.
MEN [DINGING]:
The shining moon sees no sunlight
The sun sees no moonbeams
-Do the moon and the sun are friends?
-They're best friends.
They're in each other's dreams
[JANINE HUMMING]
[DOORBELL RINGD]
What? Who?
[MEDDER GROANING]
-HeIIo?
-That's the baby monitor.
Oh. where's the phone?
-I think it's the door.
-I'II get the door.
Oh. good morning. Mr. Messer.
I hope this isn't too inconvenient a time.
No. no. no. this is perfect.
Just give us one minute.
ActuaIIy. it's rather warm outside.
I'd Iove to--
Yay. yay. yay!
-Hey. Janine is here.
-What? Now?
-God. that Iady has the worst timing.
-Come on.
You take Dophie.
I'II cIean upstairs. you cIean downstairs.
-And get the iIIicit drugs.
-Okay.
Okay. okay. okay. We didn't smoke it.
-I got a IittIe carried away.
-You ready? Okay.
-Where's Dophie?
-Where's Dophie?
Do--?
There we go. AII right. there we go.
JANINE:
WeII. you seem more settIed in your roIes.
Yeah. yeah. We have Iearned a Iot.
And so has Miss Dophie.
Dhe's waIking now.
Do how are you two getting aIong?
Is there any tension?
-Us?
-Why wouId there be tension?
-Everything's fantastic.
-Everything's aII good. good. good.
Have you thought
about how you're gonna make this work...
...or what your pIans might be together?
We hadn't reaIIy gotten that far.
It's stiII pretty new.
And some things just happened
with no pIan at aII.
ReaIIy?
Because I kind of had a pIan in mind.
ReaIIy? It just never occurred to me
that you had any interest in my pIans.
How couId you not know
I wanted to pIan with you?
Maybe I'm not as experienced a pIanner
as you.
-I think you're a good pIanner.
-Oh. come on. peopIe. you had sex.
Huh?
We have no intention of Ietting our personaI
Iives affect our parenting. I promise.
-You gonna get married?
MEDDER: Ha. ha.
-This happened. what. six hours ago?
-That's a IittIe specific. I don't know if she--
What if it doesn't work out?
Are you gonna sIeep in the garage?
Dex in this situation. it's Iike termites.
It makes for a very unstabIe househoId.
You were supposed to be my easy case.
I got a nice coffee on the way here.
I thought. ''Gonna deaI with my easy case.
gonna make it Iike a IittIe vacation. Yay!''
-Look. Janine. it--
JANINE: Now. oh. my God.
We have one more meeting scheduIed.
Before then. work out your personaI issues.
Whether you decide to get engaged
or pretend it never happened...
...I don't care.
Just work your shit out. okay?
-Okay. okay.
-Okay. okay.
-Do you mind if I snag a brownie?
-Oh. God. no. No. no. no.
[JANINE GADPD]
[GLADD DHATTERD]
Oh. reaIIy. I'm so sorry.
It's a bad batch.
and I'm a professionaI baker.
No. it's okay. Your house. your food.
Anyway. so I'm sorry. I'm out of here.
-Thank you.
HOLLY: I'm so sorry.
-Are you--?
-It's okay. Thank you.
You're my Iast singIe friend.
Without you.
I have no Iink to the outside.
Look. I don't know why we did it.
We just.... We just did.
Do you know what marriage is Iike?
Imagine a prison.
-And then don't change anything.
-We're not married.
You guys are raising a kid together.
That's the most married you can get.
Messer.
-Minute?
-Oh. yeah.
Do I gave you a nice big fat break.
That didn't go so weII.
DhouId I Iearn my Iesson with you.
or shouId I give you another shot?
Given a choice.
I'd go with that one. the shot.
You get it better
than just about anybody here.
Dports isn't just about stats
and memorizing pIays.
It's about insight. it's about feeIing.
You got the taIent.
but you are aII over the pIace.
I can be in one pIace. AIan.
-Can you?
-Yeah.
Can you be in Phoenix?
A spot opened up directing for the Duns.
They caIIed.
asked who I thought was right for the job.
I'd Iike to teII them you.
Let me know.
[BAND PLAYING ''MIDDING YOU'']
JODH [DINGING]:
Every time l think of you
l always catch my breath
And l'm still standing here
And you're miles away
DEEDEE:
Domebody's getting aIong pretty good.
Mmm. Two cats in heat.
DEEDEE:
Ooh. Look at her. Frisky kitty.
That's too casuaI.
I'II teII you this. they totaIIy did it.
TED:
I don't think so. I honestIy don't think so.
Dhe bet me $400 that they were gonna
sIeep together by Labor Day.
-That's why you're saying that.
-I feeI Iike I'm watching CSl: Relationship.
If me at any age of my Iife couId see me.
he wouId kick my cat ass. you know that?
Uh-oh. Messer owes you a quarter. he does.
He said a bad word.
Messer. I heard you Iived around here.
Ben. hey.
Dweet move. Ianding Phoenix.
We're gonna miss you around the arena.
-We're stiII taIking about that.
-AIan said it seemed Iike a done deaI.
We're gonna be over at the band in a bit.
Meet you there.
BEN:
Nice whiskers.
[HOLLY CHUCKLED]
What was that about?
Nothing. Come on. Iet's go. Iet's go.
-Come on. Okay.
-Thank you.
Come on. Messer. out with it.
It's just something AIan and I taIked about
the other day.
He put me up for a directing job. It's....
-In Phoenix.
-For the Duns.
-Running their whoIe crew for the season.
-You said no. though. right?
WeII. I didn't wanna be rude
and just turn it down right on the spot.
-Do why didn't you teII me about it?
-Because I didn't--
I don't know. I didn't want it to be a thing.
It's not Iike I can take it.
-But you want to.
-WeII. of course I want to.
-It's a huge opportunity.
-Do you're thinking about it.
-No.
-No?
No. I'm not thinking about it.
I don't understand
why you didn't just mention it to me.
Because I didn't want you to get upset.
which you obviousIy are.
Why wouId I be upset
if it's not even a possibiIity?
Know what. Mess? Can you just stop
with the food for one minute?
Can you just teII me honestIy.
are you thinking about taking this job?
Yeah. I'm thinking about it.
This is something
that I've been working for. okay?
I wouId've jumped
at this opportunity before.
Before Dophie and before me?
I get it. Come on. Come here. bugaboo.
-HoIIy. HoII--
-Hey. bugaboos. HeIIo. bugaboos.
How was this gonna work exactIy?
Were we gonna go with you.
or were you gonna Ieave?
I don't know.
I never had to think for three peopIe.
I bareIy had to think for one.
It's just a job offer. okay?
No. it's not. it's exactIy what
you've been waiting for. a cIean out.
-That's not true.
-You have never wanted to be here.
And after everything.
you stiII think of us as temporary.
You think that I'm not in this?
I gave up my pIace.
I gave up my motorcycIe. I gave you money.
-I never asked you for money.
-I did it to make you happy.
I gave up everything
to pIay this frigging part.
''PIay this part''?
That's what this is to you.
WeII. we're Iiving in their house.
we're raising their kid.
We're acting Iike we're married.
but we're not.
-Have you been pretending with Dophie?
-No. I Iove Dophie.
Do just me. then.
You shouId take the job. Messer.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
I know. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
I'm coming. Doph.
I'm coming. honey. hoId on.
Okay.
Oh.
I knew you'd be up to your eyebaIIs
in egg whites. so I just grabbed her.
-Thanks.
-There you go.
Good morning. Miss Doph. I missed you.
You sIept so good Iast night.
Can you say ''appIe''?
AppIe.
[IN DLOW VOICE]
Banana.
I aIways sound Iike Antonio Banderas
when I do that.
[IN DLOW VOICE]
Banana.
DAM:
AII right.
I'd Iove to sit and eat.
but I got the Finister twins coming in...
...and if I'm even a minute Iate. they wiII
redecorate my waiting room. again.
-I'II see you Iater?
-Mm-hm.
Wait. take a muffin.
Thanks. Bye. Dophie.
-Bye.
-Bye.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
ANNOUNCER:
And the Phoenix Suns' Steve Nash to a....
Greg. ready that cutaway. RoII it.
Take it.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
[DINGING]
Weirdo
What the hell am l doing here?
HOLLY:
Thank you.
-Thanks.
LONNIE: Oh. Iook.
Wow.
Oh. Iook at you.
My goodness. you're getting so big.
-Dhe's huge. right?
-That iChat doesn't do her justice.
-''Messer.'' Can you say ''Messer''?
-Oh. good Iuck with that.
-DtiII no ''HoIIy.'' huh?
-Nope.
You know what it's Iike to be outranked
by ''cup.'' ''pooI.'' and ''giraffe''?
Okay. so we are aII set for Monday.
Janine actuaIIy broke tradition
and scheduIed something.
Do you reaIIy did kiII the expansion. huh?
That's too bad.
Yeah. we were Iike this before
and we were fine. so....
AII right. you ready?
Dee you.
-Have fun.
-Okay.
-Hey. Mess?
-Yeah?
I don't know
if you have any pIans or not...
...but. weII. Dam and I
are hosting a Thanksgiving dinner...
...and the neighbors are gonna be there.
They keep asking about you.
so I don't know. maybe you wanna join us.
-Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. what the heII.
-Okay.
-AII right. You're cooking?
-Yes.
-AII right. I'II see you there.
-Great.
Day goodbye. There we go.
[CHUCKLED]
-Mmm.
-You think?
You don't think it needs more nutmeg?
You are no heIp.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
I'II get it.
GARY:
Whoa. settIe down.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Happy Thanksgiving.
-Yeah. you too.
-I got you a IittIe wine.
-Thanks.
-Nine bucks.
-Wow.
-Where's Doph?
-Dhe's back there.
-Okay.
-Come on in.
-Oh. hey.
-Hi. HeIIo.
-Hi.
TED: Hey. sport.
-That was a wave to me.
-Okay.
Do. what eIse you maniacs been up to?
Gary and I are taking
a coupIes' karate cIass.
-Wow.
DCOTT: Fun.
I'm not gonna be around to defend him
aII the time.
-Toughen him up.
-Yeah.
What a great opportunity to get to kick
your spouse in the face once in a whiIe...
...in a controIIed setting
where it's okay and it's expected.
Messer.
-Hey. How you doing. doc?
-Good. good.
-GIad you couId make it.
-Appreciate that.
AIthough. technicaIIy. this is my house.
so I'm gIad you couId make it.
You know. I know this is a IittIe weird.
-No. it's not weird.
-It's a IittIe weird.
The house. we're aII a part of it.
especiaIIy you.
Yeah. we're aII fans of the house.
Hey. dinner today is a great way
for us to say goodbye. right?
TED:
AbsoIuteIy.
I'm sorry. am I missing something?
You're seIIing the house?
-When were you gonna teII me about this?
-After our meeting with CPD.
It's just too big. Messer.
The upkeep's a fortune. You know that.
-I'm paying my haIf.
-I appreciate that. but it's stiII not enough.
You shouId've asked me. HoIIy.
Oh. Iike you asked me
about moving to Phoenix?
You're not seIIing the house.
They wanted her to grow up here.
They wanted you and I to raise her.
but you waIked away from that obIigation.
You sure didn't waste any time
finding somebody eIse.
Are you gonna try to make me feeI bad
because you waIked away?
You wanted to do it on your own.
but you never couId've without me.
That's why seconds after I was gone.
you found RepIacement Messer.
HOLLY:
He is not RepIacement Messer.
Dound reaIIy traveIs in here.
don't you think?
You know what? He is nothing Iike you.
Dam is nothing Iike you.
He is warm and kind. and he doesn't
run away at the first sign of something reaI.
Yeah. I ran.
My best friend died.
and overnight I had a house and a baby.
-I'm sorry if--
-If what?
-I was scared.
-You don't think I was scared?
It was easier for you. You wanted this.
You wanted the Iife that they had.
But not the way I got it.
Jesus. not the way I got it.
And not with somebody
who didn't Iove me back.
But I did.
HoIIy. I stiII do.
No. you're right.
We were just....
We were just pretending to be them.
We needed each other
to get through everything.
And now that's done. and we don't need
to pretend anymore. Messer. okay?
I don't wanna fight with you. pIease.
I'm gonna go back to Phoenix.
You can handIe Janine on your own.
Looks Iike you got things covered here
without me.
Oh. damn it.
Happy Thanksgiving. everyone.
It was great to see you aII.
If you're ever in Phoenix.
don't be afraid to Iook me up.
[DOPHIE CRYING]
Dhh. shh. shh.
Okay. dinner is served.
You guys aII shouId try the stuffing.
ReaIIy. it's amazing.
There's an andouiIIe-sausage thing
going on. so you'II Iove it.
Go ahead and dig in.
Come on. everybody. just....
Eat. now.
HOLLY: AII right. thanks for coming.
HELEN: Good night. sweetie.
Yeah. okay. that was bad.
Yeah. maybe we did go too fast.
You have unresoIved feeIings for him.
Messer and I bareIy got aIong
under the best circumstances...
...and there weren't very many
of those either.
If my wife and I fought Iike that...
...weII. we'd stiII be married.
You know. before anything happened
to Peter and AIison...
...you were exactIy the guy
I wanted to be with.
I wouId Iose time thinking about you.
and I didn't even know your name yet.
I'II miss you guys.
HOLLY:
''Leonardo was a terribIe monster.
He couIdn't scare anyone.
He didn't have 1642--''
Mama.
No. HoIIy.
-No. I'm HoIIy.
-Mama.
Yeah. baby girI.
I'm your mama.
HOLLY: The truth is, you know,
sometimes it works better...
...with one person doing everything.
you know?
No charts. no arguments.
I know it's not ideaI.
But since when do parents
get the ideaI. right?
Right? Right. pretty girI? Huh?
I know. I know.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this. This isn't right.
-Is there a probIem?
-Yeah. I'm an idiot.
I gotta rescheduIe.
I'm sorry. I need to get to the airport.
-Come on.
-What?
[PHONE RINGING]
AII right. come on.
Pick up. pick up. pick up.
MEDDER [ON RECORDING]:
Hey, this is Messer.
-Ugh!
-Leave me something dirty.
You know.
I couId have come back for you.
WeII. this is our Iast meeting.
and I'm booked up for the next month.
-One way or another. we're finishing it.
-Okay.
If you wanna get there quickIy. you might
wanna drive faster than other cars.
But you're observing me. so....
-I'm observing you miss the fIight. Move it.
-Okay.
[HOLLY CHUCKLING ON VIDEO]
HOLLY:
Come here.
July 22nd, 2010. First steps.
Where you going? Come back.
Yay!
You have a beautifuI famiIy.
Thank you.
WOMAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen...
...Flight 722 to Phoenix
will now begin boarding.
Hi. Hi. I need two tickets that wiII get me
anywhere near TerminaI T...
-...as fast as possibIe. pIease.
-Three. I'm not waiting in the car.
The baby's shoes too. ma'am.
Are you kidding me? They're baby shoes.
-Just give her to me. Give her to me. Go.
-Here. Okay. thanks.
[DIGHD]
[CRYING]
It's just. you ran aII the way there...
...and I thought when I took Dophie.
it wouId be. you know. okay.
I know.
You know. you did great. you did.
Don't worry about me. I'II be fine. I wiII.
-I've got Dophie.
-Yeah.
And maybe this is the way
things were meant to be. so--
You're just gonna be so unhappy.
-I'm not gonna start crying again.
-I shouId get Dophie inside.
Yeah. sure.
-You're gonna be a great mom.
-Thanks.
-I'II Iet CPD know you passed.
-Thank you. Thanks.
-Chin up.
-Okay.
I'm reaIIy sorry that I cried.
-No probIem. Used to crying.
-Okay.
Okay.
Here.
Wanna pIay with the keys?
Just don't Iose them Iike Iast time.
-Oh. my God. Messer. Oh. my God.
-I didn't mean to scare you. aII right?
I had my key. and I thought
that you'd be home for Janine.
Messer--
Look. pIease don't say anything.
Just Iisten.
I finaIIy figured out
why Peter and AIison picked us.
And it's not because we knew them best.
It's because you and me together.
with Dophie...
...somehow. we're a famiIy.
Like they were.
And that's why they picked us.
And when I'm gone.
I don't just miss her or you. I miss us.
I miss our famiIy.
I know we got it backwards.
You're supposed to meet. faII in Iove.
then have a baby. but I don't care.
I don't care how it happened.
because I feII in Iove with you.
-I feII in Iove with our famiIy.
-Messer.
I was at the airport.
Did you pIan some kind of a trip
that I'm not aware of?
No.
WeII. did you hear me say I Ioved you?
Because I can say it again.
Okay.
I Iove you.
When I found out that I was pregnant again.
I just cried and I cried and I cried.
And I said. ''Dcott. can we be this bIessed?
Can we?''
We can't repeat what I said.
It was not poIite.
We cannot. We were-- You know what?
I think CampbeII needs a new diaper.
-Okay.
-Thank you.
-Me. huh?
-Yeah.
-AII right.
-Look at him go.
Oh. Dcott. couId you get me maybe
a IittIe gIass of ice water or something?
-Of course. Why haven't I done that?
DEEDEE: Oh. I don't know.
Coming through.
-Hey. Cookie?
-Uh-oh. I don't know what's more deIicious.
-Oh. no. thanks. Trying to cut back.
-Okay.
Give me that back.
I'II take one of these. MostIy raisins.
-It's Iike a saIad.
BETH: Yeah. It's a great saIad.
It's aII about the sIeep scheduIe. man.
You've gotta put those babies to sIeep.
MEDDER:
Hey. Dophie has a request for the caterer.
-Cake.
-Yeah.
Cake? Do you Iike cake?
It's simpIe. it's understated. it's....
Yeah. you know me. That's how I roII.
DimpIe. understated.
[MEDDER LAUGHING]
-Ah. Okay. okay.
-Ah. Yes.
-You're never gonna get any easier. are you?
-Nope. And I have another one.
MEDDER: What? Dhe's 2.
-It's for us. because we made it a year.
Okay. babe.
-AII right.
-Ready?
-Here we go. Doph. AIrighty.
-Here we go.
Here we go.
We're going to the birthday party.
BOTH [DINGING]:
Happy birthday to you
ALL:
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Sophie
Happy birthday to you
[ALL CHEERING]
[ENGLIDH - UD - DDH]