1
(WOMEN MOANING)
DEENA: I like that,
that's good.
KIM: Oh, yeah.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
DEENA: Do you...
Do you have... You know...
(KIM MOANING)
KIM: Wait, wait.
Two seconds,
I'll be right back.
BOTH: Do you have a condom?
No. Crap!
Dude, I've been looking
for that nightie everywhere.
KIM: Are you sure
it's not mine?
I've had it forever.
DEENA: It looks better
on your boobs anyway.
Thanks.
DEENA: Who do you
have in there anyway?
I didn't even
hear you come in.
Oh, I'm with that
Australian surfer
with the neck tattoos.
Ooh! Checkmate!
What about you?
Who do you have in there?
Uh...
Beet face.
You're having
anonysex with a guy
you met in
the Costco parking lot?
DEENA: I already told him
he couldn't stay over
'cause I got to get
up early to write.
Oh, totally.
God, where is that stash?
I know it's somewhere.
Oh! Found them!
There's only one left.
How did that happen?
We just bought these!
Dibs!
I'm ovulating!
What?
It's true!
I never work out
on the fifteenth day
of my cycle because
I get pains in my side,
and if you remember
correctly, Kim, I did
not work out yesterday.
What?
What am I supposed to do?
Raw dog a random?
Don't be a douche nozzle!
Pull and pray, baby!
(SIGHS)
MARC: All right, Kim,
were you gonna
do me, or what?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(INAUDIBLE)
Three o'clock, dude.
That sleaze weasel's
eyegasming
all over your face.
Really?
Yeah.
Hey!
Hi!
Stoplights, huh?
Yeah. Stoplights.
I love them. (GIGGLES)
So do we.
It's crazy!
Crazy.
I'm lvan and this
is my friend, lvan.
Well, hello, lvans.
Hello.
So, we're headed to
this little party up in
the hills this evening.
You girls wanna join?
Why don't you
give us the details?
(BABY CRYING)
Is it too much to ask
for a date with a guy
other than the one
I gave birth to?
Oh, come on.
Where is my friend
who shares
my mutual suffering
of high self-esteem?
KIM: She smells like
milk, puke and
diaper ointment.
Oh, hey, Billy,
will you come help me
with Max's stroller?
Sure, Kim.
Okay. There you go.
Thank you.
(BILLY GRUNTS)
Hey!
Hey.
I found a job on Craigslist
that pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
Laura, I love you,
but raw fish? Nudity?
What would Jesus say?
Let's leave
the Lord out of this.
Oh, God.
Hey! I found a job
on Craigslist that
pays $150 an hour.
It's called Naked
Human Sushi Platters.
I start tomorrow.
You want the details?
No, I think I'm good.
Oh, Dr. Katie's on.
DEENA: Did you say
Dr. Katie's on?
Hi, buddy.
As a sexpert,
I recommend regular sex
once a week, at least.
If you can't procure sex,
visit your gynecologist,
and he can suggest
certain solutions.
(MAX VOMITS)
Oh! Oh!
BOTH: Ew!
Max, my favorite shirt!
Baby puke is pretty
much just breast milk.
Just hand me the napkins.
I saw Kelly Ripa
eat breast-milk cheese
on LIVE! The other day,
with a pickle on it.
That's disgusting.
It also comes
in dolphin, bear,
monkey and worms.
Worms? Ew.
Laura, it is so
weirdly hypocritical that
you watch this stuff.
It's like an anorexic
watching Top Chef.
Make fun of me all you want
for being a virgin,
okay, but at least
you'll never hear me say,
"I had sex with
some guy last night
and he didn't call me,"
or "I got pregnant again,"
or "I got chlamydia."
Ooh! Snap.
Ask your insurance provider
if they'll cover this.
(VIBRATING)
(ECHOING)
You need it, Kim.
Oh, I really need to
get more sleep.
(WHIRRING)
Hey.
Hey!
I made this for you.
Thank you.
You are saving my life.
Have you seen
the baby monitor?
Uh, yeah, I think
it's in the rotter.
That's what
three hours of sleep
a night'll do to you.
Yeah, here it is. Rotting.
So, tonight is
Marc's night with Max,
which means I have
no morning duty,
which means Mommy
is gonna get hammered
tonight. Yeah!
Are you sure
that's safe?
I'll pump and dump
and use my new
Milkscreen strips.
They let you know
when it's safe to
breast-feed again.
It's the best
invention ever.
Mom of the year
right here yo.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
Oh, God. Francesca.
"In addition to
my diuretic pills,
"go by the mall
and pick up something
"young and hip looking
for me to wear to
the greyhound party."
(GAGGING)
Will you guys meet me
at the mall later?
Can't,
I have naked sushi.
Yes. And that
woman is hideous.
You shouldn't have
to deal with her.
She has you running
around like a chicken!
I know, but I'm a
chicken with paychecks
and benefits.
See you guys later.
Bye.
Bye.
Wait. Breakfast.
Oh, God, thank you.
Thank you. Bye.
Marc, I swear to God,
you're the most
unreliable person I know.
Why are you always late?
What do you expect?
I'm driving across
town from Venice.
Well, I've got
a million things to do
and that's all before work.
So, here's
the diaper bag,
his diapers,
bottles, toys,
he should be fine.
What's the matter with you?
(SIGHS)
We need to talk.
Crap! Crap! Laura! Laura!
I got the e-mail
from LA Weekly, man!
I can't read it,
I can't read it.
You have to read it for me,
you have to read it for me.
Sit, sit, sit.
Read, read, read.
(EXHALES)
"Dear Ms. Deena Gold,
thank you so much for
your recent submission,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the Bitches.'
"As you know,
we review thousands of
submissions weekly.
"Unfortunately,
we cannot accept..."
(SIGHS) I'm gonna stab
myself in the face.
Please don't.
"However, we think the
excerpt from your book,
"'A Self Made
Woman's Lifestyle:
"'Separating Yourself
from the Bitches..."'
That title is way too long...
However, however.
"Will be the perfect
inaugural headliner
"for our online edition
featuring new voices."
(LAUGHS)
Oh!
Oh, I'm in!
Okay, get up,
I have work to do.
Okay. Here we go.
Marc, I thought we were
gonna at least try to
raise the kid together.
It'd be career suicide
to turn down a
Hawaiian Tropic pro-tour.
You understand that?
Can we get your scrawl?
Oh, yeah, sure.
BOY: Thanks, man.
Sure.
See? I'm blowing up.
What about when
you come back?
Well, if I come back.
I got things, you know?
I think he's
better off without me.
I'm doing
the right thing here.
I'm ripping it off fast,
like a Band-Aid. Okay?
Peace, all right? Okay.
All right. Be well.
(GURGLING)
(SHUSHING)
KIM: I feel like a big
slab of hamburger
that's been
mushed into a human.
This was, like,
my one day a week
to feel like
a normal human being.
Now, I'm like,
seriously a mom now,
like seven days a week.
That is kind of
how it works.
Well, I know,
but what am I gonna do?
Look, lots of women have
been exactly where
you are right now.
You can still have
everything you've
always wanted,
and your kid is gonna
respect the hell
out of you for it.
Huh?
Let's get a massage.
(MOANING)
I am so getting
one of these when I get
my first big paycheck.
I don't care how
nouveau riche it is.
(MAX CRYING)
Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
Oh, God, yes!
(DEENA MOANING)
That's okay, baby.
I guess I can
breast-feed in here.
And it's the perfect
place to find something
hideous for your boss.
You know, it used to
be that a very select,
few lucky people
got to see my boobs,
and now I whip them
out everywhere
like they're udders.
So wean him.
Breast milk is free
and I'm broke.
Oh, God! This is so hard.
Nobody tells you
it's gonna be so hard!
Yes, they do, Kim.
That's pretty much
all people say.
Not to mention
I haven't had contact
with a man in over a year.
Well, I think
we have a winner.
All right.
Let's just go.
Don't get mad at me
for saying this,
but I think you'd
feel better if you'd
go back into launching
your doggy mall.
How am I supposed
to do that?
What about Francesca?
What's the point of
working for the bitch
if she's not gonna invest?
I just think part of
what's getting you down,
Kim, is that, you know,
you're not
really doing anything.
I mean, career-wise,
career-wise.
I have been making inroads
with Francesca, okay?
I mean...
Fine, not specifically,
but we're in
the same industry.
She might invest.
Okay.
Okay, I have an idea.
Let's get into
some old-school trouble.
Really?
Yeah.
Let's drop Max off
with Laura, get Brazilians,
pick up some
really hot dudes.
Okay.
Good.
Well, Laura can't.
She's got Bible
school fellowship.
Oh, that sucks.
I know.
Deena! Deena!
DEENA: Hey, Jayde!
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you
since last year!
I know.
Kings of Leon backstage.
Kaleb still talks about
that night in room 210.
Oh, my God.
We were such groupies,
man, it was...
Gross!
Gross! Yeah.
You look amazing,
I mean, obvi, you always do.
So do you, you look great.
Thanks, I really need that.
I just broke with
my boyfriend.
He said I was cheating
on with my BlackBerry.
What are you doing?
You still managing bands?
What's happening?
I'm doing it all.
I'm repping bands,
and I'm consulting
on a clothing line
with a girl from Paris.
Are you doing
anything tonight?
No.
One of my bands is
opening up for
Bon lver tonight.
Come, come, come.
It'll be so much fun!
I love Bon lver,
he's so good.
I'm a big fan!
We'll make a night of it!
BOTH: (SINGING) We can
have vodka soda no ice!
Why did you walk away?
Who was that pop-tard?
I told you about her, dude.
I met her at
that Type A seminar
when you were pregnant.
She's funny.
You'd like her.
She's nice.
I bet I'd love her.
Thanks for
introducing me and Max.
What did you say to her?
I gotta go.
Sweetie, I've been
waiting for you.
Did you get me my
slamming little outfit,
size zero for the party?
Yep. I went to the
hippest store at the mall.
Uh-huh.
Oh, by the way, Benny,
the little terrier's
doggy parents called,
and they said that
he pee-peed
in his crate again.
Francesca,
he's just a puppy...
We can't go against what
the dog parents want.
You know that.
You know that.
Anyway, we have
a new celeb client.
His name's Sprewell
or something.
He's in some Disney movie
and some Asian cartoons.
I never saw them.
I'm ready to dictate.
All right. Darling SJP...
Thank you so much
for your generous donation.
How are you and the twins?
I'm sure that
you'll be with us
for our star-studded
spectacular event...
Okay, what was after the...
Is that a...
Is that a baby
on your back?
Is it not bring
your baby to work day?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I'm just kidding.
Francesca meet Max,
Max meet Francesca.
I didn't know
you had a baby.
I never would have hired you
if I knew you had a baby.
I'm so sorry, Francesca,
but I promise you won't
even know he's here.
He's just the most
mellow little guy,
and I wouldn't
have brought him,
but I had
this situation...
It doesn't matter
how well-behaved it is!
This is a place of business.
You can't bring your baby
to a place of business.
I know. I'm really sorry,
Francesca...
Save your song and dance
for someone who cares.
Just get out of my sight
before I fire you.
Francesca...
Just go now.
Okay. I'm sorry.
She better be.
Yes, Tinsly doesn't
like the baby either.
Tinsie doesn't
like the babies.
No babies for Tinsly.
Gimme a kiss.
Give Mommy a kiss
right here.
Tinsly, I love you.
You're the only one
who understands me.
Hey. Hi, you little guy.
How are you?
Hi, Pop Pop.
Hi, baby.
Boy, the last time
I saw you this depressed
was when you got
stood up on prom night.
I got it.
You got it?
Yeah. I got him.
I got him.
I don't have my purse.
You got it? Okay.
You hanging in there?
I don't know what
I'm doing, Pop Pop.
(DOOR OPENING)
How do you lose your shoes
caught in a rug?
I'm starving!
DEENA: Me too!
(FAINT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANS)
Yeah, marshmallows!
Whoever invented
Rice Krispy treats
is a genius.
Housewives, dude.
The undersung heroes.
But, seriously.
How do you make them?
In a pot?
Nobody uses pots anymore.
We'll put them in a bowl,
and then we'll put them
in the microwave.
I have a bowl!
(SCREECHING)
(GROANS)
Four minutes
and 20 seconds.
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(MAX CRYING)
God, you've gotta
be kidding me!
(MAX CONTINUES CRYING)
(WHIRRING)
Where the heck
are my keys?
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING
ON RADIO)
Found them. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
Are there any
more burritos?
I don't think there are
any more, dude, sorry.
Guess I'll just eat
a hot sauce packet.
So, how are you?
(GRUNTS) I've been better.
How about you?
How's naked sushi?
They actually wanted
me to be naked,
so I quit,
but I already
have another job,
Valet of the Dolls.
I think I've seen that on
Hollywood's Sleaziest Jobs.
It's that girl's
valet company, right?
Yeah. $25 an hour
just to park cars,
plus tips.
I saw a woman
wearing a full burqa
going into a bikini
waxing place today,
and I thought of you.
Okay, I would love to
stay and hang out
with you, sweetheart.
I'm sorry this
stupid thing doesn't work,
but I gotta go get dressed.
You know what? Me too.
Me three.
But, guys!
Somebody has to babysit.
Well, dude, I stayed with Max
for the last weird dog event.
No, you didn't! It was
that adopt an incontinent
cocker spaniel thing,
and you hit on Simon Rex
in the bathroom.
Shit!
KIM: Guys.
I would give anything
not to go tonight,
but, unfortunately,
if I wanna keep my job,
I have to be out
the door in six minutes.
Please, can you
just work it out
amongst yourselves?
Play for it?
I never win.
Chicken? (CLUCKS)
Fine.
Here. Deal.
You can be kind
of scary sometimes.
No, you didn't do
a burn card, dude. Redo.
Redo. Redo that.
Okay.
All in.
DEENA: Cheater.
Sorry for not being sorry.
Guess it's just me
and you, kid. Ante up.
Hey.
Hey.
Just checking on you.
You know, it's not
fun in there at all.
Really?
Yeah.
Come in when you're done.
Okay.
Hey! You're Deena's friend.
Rocking event!
And such a great cause.
It's Stanton.
Jayde Stanton
plus three.
Right. Okay.
Yeah. Who let the dogs in?
(IMITATES DOG BARKING)
Barry Robert Philips.
Francesca's one of my dearest
and closest friends.
Of course she is.
Enjoy.
Thanks.
Who put the dogs in...
Woof, woof. What's up?
Listen, we are on the list...
Probably under Wellingood.
Saul, first name.
Saul Wellingood.
Saul Wellingood.
I'm sorry,
it's not on the list.
Why don't you
check our friend,
Leakin comma Rufus?
Rufus Leakin?
Guys, come on,
that's not even funny.
Here's the truth,
we're not on the list,
but my grandfather
was a racing greyhound.
And he passed away
due to greyhound bloat.
He was very close to me,
and my grandmother
and he died of
greyhound bloat.
They said to
wait up front.
It's gonna be three of us.
That's all, just us
three, there's not
a lot of guys here.
And we just wanna
pay tribute
to all of those
that have lost their
lives to the bloat.
They're harmless.
I promise.
Speak for yourself.
I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm Johnny Danger.
You know what? It's fine.
Fantastic!
Yes! Whoo!
Do I get a...
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
SERGEl: All right,
party people!
Your name?
WOMAN: Grossman.
Okay.
Hey, sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Forgot my stamp.
Oh.
Thank you.
When you get done
with the clipboard,
maybe I can buy you a drink?
It's actually
an open bar, so...
Even better. I can
request you a drink
and then serve it to you
on a little drink napkin.
Okay.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay. I'll see you
inside. Thank you.
Hi. Sorry.
Yoga pose, plus baby.
Good for inner core.
Tests balance.
Lunges, plus baby,
adds twenty pounds.
Cuts your reps in half.
Oh, oh!
No, it's so gross! God!
Let's go get cleaned up.
You like being naked,
Max, don't you?
Yes, you do.
You and every other man.
Huh? Hee!
(COOING)
DEENA: Deena's baby
workout video, colon.
Bench press
makes baby nauseous.
Keep this on the DL, Max.
This shit's gonna
make me a millionaire.
Kim. This...
This dress you got me,
you would actually
really wear this?
Yeah.
People have been giving me
weird looks all night.
Maybe it's my coat.
Do I still look
21 -year-old hot?
You look the same as always.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
We made a shitload of money
for those greyhounds.
I'm convinced
that in our lifetime,
we're gonna see
the eradication
of greyhound bloat.
In our lifetime.
You're such a sheeple.
You're bringing
the whole party down.
Give... That's my coat.
Go get a drink.
God, you're boring.
Are you sure?
I think so.
Okay. Thanks, Francesca.
You're welcome.
First thing in the morning,
I need you to focus
on that PETA event.
Okay.
All right?
Hi!
And don't ever bring
your baby to work again.
All right? Yeah. Yeah.
Again, I'm really
sorry about that.
It just, it makes me
crazy nowadays that
people have children
when there are so many dogs
that need forever homes.
Yeah. I understand...
Doesn't it drive you
crazy when you see
pictures of Heidi Klum
and she's bounced back
so quick after
having four kids?
Hey, gorgeous.
Barry Robert Philips!
Oh, my God,
you're gorgeous.
I'm kind of mad
at you, though.
Laura!
LAURA: Oh, my gosh!
Kim. Thank goodness
you are done.
Can we please,
please go home?
Come on. Let's stay.
I'm not in sweatpants,
and I never get to go out.
(GROANS)
Ooh! He's cute!
Who?
Over there.
Oh, my God!
I know!
I met him outside.
He's walking
over here right now.
What?
Yeah. I'm gonna
go to the bathroom.
Good luck.
No. Laura, don't go.
Don't leave me!
Work it out.
Work it out.
Hey.
Oh!
Hi!
Hi.
I didn't see you
coming over here.
I was just texting somebody.
Well, I'm Nicholas.
I didn't get a chance
to introduce myself earlier.
(CHUCKLES)
And you are?
Kim. Sorry. Kim.
Kim is my name.
Hi, Kim.
Hi.
So, you work for
the Greyhound Association?
Well, I work for
the woman who throws
these weird dog events.
And she also has
a dog walking company,
so I sort of
am a dog walker
slash personal assistant,
slash loser,
peon, mole person.
Did you always wanna be
a loser, peon, mole person
when you grew up?
Well, ever since
I was little,
I've always wanted to open
the world's first doggy mall.
I even commissioned
an architectural model.
(LAUGHS) What the hell
is a "doggy mall"?
You know, it's like
a full-sized mall,
but all the stores
cater to dogs.
Okay.
Whatever. My plans are
kind of on the back burner.
Why are they on
the back burner?
Because
life happens.
Well...
Cheers.
To life happening.
Lift the baby
and feel the burn.
Then, go into a slow squat
to get your ass
lifted like no other.
I feel like I haven't
flirted with a girl in,
like, five years.
So, you're flirting with me?
Is that what's going on?
You're flirting.
I am not flirting!
Yes, you are.
You're blushing.
Well, you're
sweating profusely.
You're breaking out in hives.
Am I really?
No, I'm kidding.
No. It's not funny.
I sometimes do
break out in hives
if I get, like...
It's not contagious.
It's just like, if I
get nervous or something.
Come on.
Clearly I'm the one
who should be nervous.
Dude.
Sergei's on the phone
with his old lady.
His kid has diarrhea.
Hi.
Hi.
He's freaking out.
Unbelievable.
The one night
I decide to go out
since the kid was born
and he has to get sick?
Is it coincidence?
I don't think...
I swear he's out to get me.
Yeah, I can tell.
I can see it in
his eyes, you know?
You know, with those
creepy, little baby hands...
He's vindictive.
It's over. It's all over,
my sex life, my guys'
nights out. This is...
It's done. It's done.
Promise me you will
sooner cut off your
balls than have kids.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
I'm gonna get my car.
(SIGHS)
All right,
we gotta go then.
We?
Yes!
Sorry. Sergei
used to be normal.
Kids! What a buzzkill, huh?
But I had a great time.
I'm just awkward.
What are you... What?
Oh, sorry,
you have something on the...
Oh, that's just puke.
It's baby puke.
My roommate has a baby.
And, sometimes,
you know, sometimes...
That's what they do.
Kids! What a buzzkill, right?
(DISTORTED)
So, listen...
Hey.
Laura!
We have to go.
I thought you
really wanted to stay.
Yeah, remember,
I have to do that thing.
What thing?
Bye. We gotta go.
LAURA: Deena!
KIM: (SHUSHING)
Max's probably sleeping.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Let me sleep,
you freaks.
Wake up.
You have to hear this.
Kim was talking to
a guy, and she lied
about having a baby.
What?
I didn't mean to.
It just came out.
But you should
have seen him.
He was really hot.
Like a Greek statue.
Don't say that.
Those guys suffer
from small cocks.
Only because the small
penis was seen as
a sign of refinement.
Big ones were vulgar.
Plus the Olympics
were done naked,
so they didn't want
shit flapping around...
What?
Guys! I feel horrible.
I lied about being a mom.
I lied to get
a guy to like me.
I'm one of those lame
girls who jack it up
for the rest of us.
Dude, he would
have turned tail
if he knew anyway,
and that is the truth.
Are you sure?
Yes. Totally.
Well, you guys didn't
even exchange e-mails.
Yeah, maybe.
You're never gonna
see this guy again, man.
He looked fine,
so what, whatever.
Right. You're probably right.
I am right.
Yeah. Right.
Yes.
Yeah.
Right?
LAURA: Yes!
Guys!
Kim!
I don't know.
I do.
(ALL LAUGHING)
SERGEl: I've got some
not so great news for you.
Melanie's lawyers
are requesting
that you keep
paying for her facials,
because it was your idea
to move to Los Angeles
and that's what
makes her skin so dry.
But, you know, I get...
Wait. Can she do that?
We all told you
she was a bitch.
Nobody told me
she was a bitch.
Not to your face,
but we all thought it.
So, how long is she
gonna drag this out for?
(SIGHS) Unfortunately, in
the state of... Gummi Bear?
No. I'm good.
Green. No, orange.
Unfortunately,
in the state of California,
you have got to wait six...
Now, this is all
lawyer speak, okay? Jargon.
But you have to wait
six months, I think,
from the time you...
You have to wait.
Come on, I just wanna
move on with my life.
I want the same thing, Nick.
You think I don't want that?
You think I don't want you
to sow your wild oats?
I need you out there, man!
Bringing in
some new pussy blood!
I mean, bringing in new...
Get new...
New pussy and new blood.
Separately.
You know, newness,
new chicks.
Look, my point is,
I've got to live vicariously
through someone. Right? Okay?
And look at you,
you're handsome,
it makes sense.
What are my other options?
Henri?
Come on, look at that guy.
He's a hot mess.
Yeah.
He's into some
funky shit, man.
You should hear
some of his stories,
they're amazing.
So, how did this happen?
My parents got divorced
and I said to myself,
"I'm not gonna let
this happen to me," and...
Listen, divorces are
never easy, you know.
I mean, sometimes they can be.
Yours is not. Definitely not.
The point is,
you need to take
care of yourself.
You know? Do something
to keep your mind
off of things.
Look out for you.
What about that girl
you met the other night?
The little cutie at
the bar at that dog thing?
The bloat?
She didn't have the bloat.
But, you know...
I didn't get
her number, but
I know who she works for.
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
One new message.
Yeah. Hi, darling, listen,
we have a new client.
A single doggy daddy
with a 250-pound
mastiff named Bishop.
You know what they say
about men with big dogs...
I think that's the
expression. Anyway...
Bishop?
Hi, buddy.
Sit. Sit.
Sit. Sit. Good boy.
Sorry. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy? Hi, there.
Hey!
(SCREAMS)
You!
You!
What are you doing here?
This is my house!
Are you stalking me?
I swear this is
just a coincidence!
Really? You expect me to...
Okay. I'm... (LAUGHING)
I can't keep this up,
I'm so...
You ran out so fast
the other night,
I didn't get your number,
so I just called
and requested you.
And I thought
that it'd be funny.
And you would think
I was funny and then
we'd laugh and ha-ha...
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
It played out
so much more romantic
in my head.
Do you still want me
to walk your dog?
No. I just got
done walking him.
It's a nice place.
Did you just move in
or something?
I'm in a sort of
transition right now.
It's a long,
boring story, trust me.
That must be your
roommate's baby?
I take him to work sometimes
when she's busy.
He's a handsome little guy.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, buddy.
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHING)
Anywho, now that
I got you here.
Would you like to go
to dinner on Friday?
I said yes.
DEENA: Nice.
Yeah. And I kinda asked him
to bring a friend for you.
Please go with me.
I can't do this alone.
Sure, I'll be a part of
the get Kim laid brigade.
The friend better be
hot and lvy League.
Did you scratch again?
I scratched again.
Jesus, Kim.
Dude, I had a window.
Maybe I should
have come clean.
Why? Out of some sense
of moral obligation?
No, I mean, he obviously
really likes me enough
to track me down.
It was kind of romantic,
and now I'm being
a sleaze ball.
Come on. Guys have been
doing this crap for years.
Hit it and quit it.
It's not like you're
gonna marry him.
Oh! Gosh!
Where the heck
did I put my keys?
Oh!
Yes!
What?
Oh, it's for
Valet of the Dolls.
You look like
a prostitute.
You look
like Jennifer Aniston
in Friends with Money.
KIM: Have you seen
The Night Porter?
DEENA: Are you dating
Marilyn Manson?
Are you going
trick or treating?
Happy Halloween.
Did you kill him with
a candlestick holder?
Hey, Laura,
what's "make love"?
Something your girlfriend
does while you bang her.
Are you really a virgin?
You guys are random.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
All right. Watch this.
WOMAN 1: "Mommy and Me"
is so important to us
"for developing your
infant's cognitive skills.
WOMAN 2: Yeah.
And it's a great way
of training at any time.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry, guys. I'm sorry.
Why is that lady late?
Oh, sorry,
sorry, guys.
Welcome.
Hi.
I just wanna invite you
to get comfortable and relax.
Okay. Sorry, guys.
(GRUNTS)
Okay, let's pick up
where we left off.
Hester.
Hi, I'm Hester.
MOM: Hi, Hester.
And I've been doing yoga
for a really long time,
and I just thought
it'd be great to bring
some om to the womb.
As most of you know,
I'm Patti,
and we love this class,
because it falls
perfectly between
Lil' Gym and
Survival Swim class.
And you?
I'm sorry.
You could just share
with us both of your names
and what brings
you here today.
I'm Kim.
Hi, Kim.
HESTER: Hi, Kim.
Hi. And this
is my baby, Max.
And I'm here
because I have a date,
and I wanna get
into slamming shape,
and what other
exercise classes
can you bring a kid to?
Right?
Okay.
(ALL CHANTING)
(CRYING)
Sorry.
(SHUSHING)
You are making quite
a name for yourself
with our female readers.
That last column on
why men who are married
to high-powered women
with multiple degrees
often cheat
with exotic dancers
to mollify their
own power insecurities
caught the eye of
one of my contacts
at Seal Press.
The same publishing company
who did Gender Outlaws?
That's the one.
They're interested in
hearing your book pitch.
Come on!
Holy flying
mother of God!
Oh!
Hey! I just wanted to
say you have nothing
to worry about.
You have a lovely figure.
Oh, thanks.
Seriously.
Don't you just
love these classes?
I think it's so
important to have
the support of other moms.
And JJJ just loves it.
JJJ?
Jessica Jennifer Justice.
My husband Brock and I
were always laughing,
with a name like that,
she's gonna be a lawyer!
And what about
this little guy?
What are you gonna be?
Well, I was probably
just gonna let him decide.
Do you know how many
kids in my high school
committed suicide
'cause they didn't know
what they wanted to do?
Direction is really
the greatest gift
we can give them.
Are you guys
free for a playdate?
Okay, chubbo, there you go.
You, little fatty.
PATTl: Is that
your friend Max?
Whatever.
How did you do that?
That thing has literally
never turned on.
We have that same one.
It sticks,
you gotta jam the button.
Oh, my God, thank you!
So where are you
and your husband going
on your big date tonight?
It's a guy that I just met.
I'm not married.
Oh!
Wow! How do you think
that's gonna affect Max?
You know, having
a constant stream of men
coming in and
out of your life?
Well, I wouldn't
necessarily call it
a constant stream of men,
I mean, I wish, right?
God, a single mother!
That is a cross to bear.
I think about
that all the time,
how hard this would be
to do alone.
I mean, I know I'm so
lucky to have Brock.
Do you have family
at least to help?
Actually, my parents died
when I was little,
so I was raised by
my Pop Pop.
Oh, my God,
you poor thing!
No, no, it's fine.
I've always
kind of done things
a little differently.
It's kinda like my thing.
Winston Churchill,
St. Augustine,
Floyd Mayweather, 50 Cent,
Jack Nicholson, Barack Obama
and my cousin Taylor
were all bastards
and they turned out
just fine.
Women carry the baby,
they birth the baby,
they feed the baby.
Fathers are
totally antiquated.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) I don't
actually think that
fathers are antiquated.
Really? That's so weird,
'cause I'm pretty sure
it was you
who helped me come up
with my chapter of
"Fathers Are Antiquated."
Patti, meet Deena.
Deena, this is Patti.
Hi!
Hi.
Look at me. After
I had JJJ, I just realized
I couldn't do it all.
I mean, you gotta
shift your priorities.
It's a full time job,
even with a husband,
being a mom.
I was trying to go to work,
then go to a playdate,
then go to Mommy and Me,
change a diaper,
still see friends,
I was gonna lose my mind.
I was gonna lose my mind.
Yeah, it does seem
overwhelming sometimes,
especially now
that he's getting
so much bigger.
I know, 'cause then
they know when
you're not there, right?
Whoa, whoa.
Why are you both
propagating these myths?
We live in a time
where women can
finally have it all.
Sexual empowerment,
a great career,
money, family
and a man at home
with dishpan hands
if she so desires, or not.
This is a really,
really exciting time
for women.
Says the woman who
doesn't have kids.
Right, Kim?
Oh, you know what?
I gotta go.
She needs a nap and
I gotta start dinner,
but thank you
so much for this.
And please, promise me
you're gonna call me
and you're gonna
come to Caf Chez Bb,
because you're gonna love it.
There's babies,
and moms and coffee,
and it's crazy
and it's cathartic.
Sure. Okay.
Okay. Love it.
Let us walk you out.
Oh! Mickey.
So, call me next week
or something?
This was so good.
Great. Thank you.
It was so fun.
Say bye.
(IMITATES KISSING)
Oh, I think
they are in love.
See you later. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
I thought
she'd never leave.
What a sanctimommy!
Can you be nice?
What? Like she was to you?
"A cross to bear"?
Are you kidding me?
Okay, she didn't
mean it like that.
And, you know,
I could use a couple
of mom friends.
Why?
Because, Deena,
believe it or not,
there are certain things
that I can't get from you.
Like what?
Okay.
You know I've never
taken Max's temperature
because we thought
that you had to do it anally.
Well, she just gave me
these little strips,
and all you do is like
stick it on his forehead.
And she also fixed
the bouncing chair
and, I don't know,
other stuff.
Christ, Kim,
pretty soon you're gonna be
watching soap operas
in your sneaker clogs
and talking about
Max's bowel movements
like they're fine art.
Well, it's not like
you don't have
separate friends.
I heard you telling
Jayde or whatever about
your big meeting and
you didn't even tell me.
Whatever. She's obviously
way more fabulous than I am.
Dude,
we just haven't been home
at the same time.
I mean, what do
you wanna know?
Well, nothing now,
because I have
to go, all right?
We'll talk about it
later at the group date.
Okay.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey.
Yikes, who died?
Oh, sorry, it's nothing.
What's up?
I just scored us VIP passes
for The National
at a private venue.
You're kidding me?
No, I'm for real serious.
I can't tonight, man,
I got plans.
I got another call
coming in, tchose!
Hey, I just scored
VIP passes for The National
at a private venue.
No way, take me.
This seat is taken.
Move on, please.
Thank you. Move along.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Group date!
Oh. Sorry.
Yay!
Yay.
How was the rest
of your day?
Well, work sucked.
I breast-fed in
a gas station bathroom,
so that was awesome.
I just dropped
Max off with Laura.
So you wanna hear
about my meeting?
Oh, right. I'm sorry,
I totally forgot.
Pauline got me
a meeting to...
Can I get a glass
of water, please?
...pitch "Separating Yourself
from the Bitches,"
which clearly
you're not interested in
hearing about,
so I'll just shut up.
Deena, I'm sorry,
please forgive me
for having other
things on my mind,
like the fact that this
guy is about to show up
and I'm gonna have
to blatantly lie
to him all night.
I know,
but I'm here for support
'cause you can't do
it alone, remember?
Great. Yes, I know,
but it's just not
the Deena show, okay?
(SCOFFS)
Okay.
(EXHALES)
NICHOLAS:
Hey, Kim.
Hi!
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too.
You remember
my friend, Henri?
Right. From the
other night, yeah.
Are you French?
No. (EXCLAIMS)
Baby, you are the sexiest
thing I have ever seen.
So this must be
your roommate with the baby?
Yep.
This is Max's mom,
my roommate with the baby.
Nicholas, meet Deena.
Hi.
Deena,
this is Nicholas.
She didn't tell me
that she told you
about my baby.
Whoops!
Actually, I met him.
He is so cute.
He is cute.
It must be just so nice
to live with
a built in babysitter.
It is so nice to have
someone you can rely on
for pretty much everything.
Yeah! I can see you.
Child on your hip.
Born to be a mom.
And I see you.
Mustache on your face.
Profiled on
To Catch a Predator.
Whoa!
(NICHOLAS CLEARS THROAT)
Should we go get a table?
Yes.
Should we sit somewhere?
So, no stretch marks?
Not one? How did
you manage that?
Oh, no, there's
a cream I saw...
Yeah, Henri,
you know what?
Will you help me
carry some drink menus back?
Yeah.
This one. I like this one.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Are you kidding me?
He could have
been anyone's kid.
Why did you make him mine?
I'm sorry, it just came out!
Please, you have to
go along with it.
Okay. You wanna
see the Deena show?
The truth is,
I was sleeping with
loads of guys
when I got pregnant.
But I think the father is
an Australian pro surfer.
(LAUGHING) Obviously,
she's kidding.
No, I'm not.
Obviously, she knows
that the father is Marc,
and to his credit,
he has good genes.
He ditched me.
That's intense.
Well, he just wasn't in
the right frame of mind
to be a father and,
personally,
I think that
it's for the best.
I mean,
just because two people
have a kid together
doesn't mean that
two people have
to be together.
It's always
the kid who suffers!
Yeah. That's actually
a good point.
Frankly, it's so much better
without him around,
'cause I'm ready to
get back in the game.
I'm a player at heart.
Fantastic. It is hot
how honest you are.
So many women try to
pass themselves off
as virginal,
you know it's not true.
Well, our roommate Laura
is actually a virgin.
If it's true, fine.
But if it's not, why lie?
"Practice is the best
of all instructors."
"Publilius Syrus.
First century.
Well, Publilius,
you certainly can't pretend
once you give birth,
'cause you get
super loose, like...
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That's only if
you don't do Kegels!
Kamikaze shots
for the table!
Thank you.
Deena, you can't drink
because you're breast-feeding.
Remember?
Tell that to
Shakespeare's mom.
Ah! Indeed.
In Shakespeare's time,
water was basically
non-potable,
and so beer was
the only thing that
people could drink,
including nursing mothers.
Yeah, I read that
New Yorker article, too.
Whatevs, I'm good to go.
I pump and dump all the time.
Sure it's frowned upon,
but, you know,
I just picked up a new
box of Milkscreen strips,
so it's all good.
Right, Kim?
Pump? Pump your breasts?
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, shots!
Thank you, Henri.
Pump it.
Pump it.
So, how did you
two girls meet?
We met in college.
It was the same
Spanish class.
Yeah, the difference
is I actually learned
to speak Spanish,
because I had
a Cuban boyfriend
who really liked it
when I stuck my fingers
straight up his ass.
I thought that was
something that you
promised yourself
you were never gonna
tell anybody about yourself.
We're among friends,
sharing together,
loving one another.
(LAUGHING)
Right. Right. Well.
I, Kim, never learned
anything in college,
because I was too
busy reliving my past.
You know,
the normal hick stuff,
riding cows,
slaughtering pigs,
fantasizing
about my cousin Brad.
He was your second
cousin by marriage!
Still inappropriate!
Don't mind Kim here.
She's just a little bitter,
because I've become
a sweatpant-wearing loser mom
with little mommy friends,
who's lost all sense
of self and ambition.
Well, I guess I'm
just a self-righteous,
know-it-all bitch.
I feel like dancing.
Scoot over.
Okay.
It's lonely over there.
Are you okay?
Yeah. That?
Her and I just
have this...
You know,
like witty banter thing.
It's nothing serious.
Yeah. It's fun to watch,
but it's a little scary.
I'm sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Okay. I've had enough.
And I'm ready to go.
No. No. I thought that
that was a wonderful
thing to tell him.
No, forgive me.
"Thou know'st that
this cannot be said
"A sin, nor shame,
nor loss of maidenhead
"Yet this enjoys
before it woo,
"And pampered swells
with one blood made of two."
Oh!
Okay. Just because
I know that's John Donne
does not mean
I'll forgive you.
Kim, let's go! Ten seconds.
Ten!
Okay!
Nine!
I guess we got the annoying
prerequisite group
date out of the way.
Six.
I would love to go
out with just you.
I would love that, too.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Three, two...
Friday?
Friday sounds great.
Kim, come on!
Okay, Jesus!
Sorry.
Okay.
Bye, Deena.
Oh, my gosh,
fantastic date!
So, you're gonna drive me
to my car tomorrow,
right, drunkie?
Yeah.
(RAP MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(SWITCHES RADIO OFF)
You can be a real jerk,
you know that?
(LAUGHS) Hey, Kettle,
what's up, you're black.
Oh, please. "I don't
know who the father is"?
And then the finger thing?
And don't think
I didn't notice
that huge dig about
me losing my ambition.
Oh, yeah,
that was right before
you called me
a self-righteous bitch!
Man, what are we doing,
dude, huh?
We haven't
fought like this since
I bought those
high-waisted jeans
you said you wanted.
Yeah, and that was
seriously messed up!
You knew I was
saving up for them
for like months.
Okay. What is
the big deal, man?
The big deal is that
I like this guy! A lot.
And now it's not
just some, like,
little accidental lie.
It's a huge,
complicated mess.
We acted like
total mental patients.
I thought it was awesome!
Well, I didn't, okay?
Okay. Well...
You know how I feel
about it all, you know,
don't get
emotionally involved.
Stick to the game plan.
Bone and bolt.
It's a good
chapter subheading.
Right after
"How to never let a man
"stand in the way
of a friendship."
(SWITCHES RADIO ON)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
RECEPTIONIST: Do you think
he's ever gonna propose?
I'm, like,
the perfect girlfriend.
I cook, I clean,
I wear sexy underwear...
Psst.
Hang up the phone.
Hang it up.
What's your name?
Rita.
Pick up a new hobby,
like skydiving or
dirt bike riding.
Don't tell him about it,
but just start
leaving your gear
around the house.
When he asks you
about it, just say,
"Oh, what? That?
That's my parachute.
"Oh, that's my
motorcycle helmet,
"did I not tell you
about that?"
You'll have
a ring on your finger
within the month.
Treat 'em mean,
keep 'em keen.
Live by it.
(DEENA'S CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
You have one
new voice message.
Hi, there.
I was hoping you'd pick up.
I'd really love
to hear your voice.
I mean, I heard your voice
on the answering machine,
and it made my day.
But to hear your real,
un-prerecorded voice
in person, that's
what I was hoping for.
I guess, technically,
if it's on the voice mail,
it's not in person,
but I digress.
Uh...
Wonder what
you're doing right now.
Taking care of
your little man?
Using that incredible
brain of yours to
finish your book?
Using that lean body to
work on your exercise video?
Conquering the world?
(EXHALES)
Maybe you were
thinking of me?
Uh...
I would like to see you.
If that isn't clear
from this message,
I am free on Thursday,
I am free on Friday.
Saturday is
a good day for me...
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Message deleted.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Let's see what
we're dealing
with here, buddy.
Yo.
We cool?
Yeah, we're cool.
Good.
You still down to
babysit tonight?
Sure.
Did you give Henri
my number?
Don't you mean Ohn-ree?
I'm not calling him
Ohn-frickin'-ree. He's not
even French. Did you?
Yeah. Nicholas
asked me for it.
Oh, great, because
now he's like stalker
obsessed with me, dude.
It's awesome.
MRS. CRENSHAW:
I am literally dying.
Gotta call you back.
We're just so...
It's so exciting.
So many weeks in
the best seller list
for an author like you.
I totally knew it.
We're so proud of you.
Thank you.
Are you coming to
Vegas this weekend?
Oh, my God!
Yeah.
Oh.
Mmm-hmm.
Deena Gold?
Yes.
We're ready for you.
Deena Gold?
Yeah.
Oh, my God,
I love your column.
I read it religiously.
I would love to
take you out to lunch
and get advice on
a guy I'm seeing.
Sure!
Great.
Good luck in there!
Thanks.
Call me!
Okay. So then that happened.
Do you know who that is?
Yeah.
She's a really great girl.
Come on.
Okay.
I can't believe
she knew who I was.
Hi, babe. I'm just
calling to tell you
that I'm not gonna
be able to talk today.
I'm, like, super busy,
so don't even try
to get a hold of me.
Good-bye.
Hi.
Be back by 6:00.
Okay. I will.
They're very strict.
Okay. Thank you, Pop Pop.
Thank you, I love you.
You're a life saver.
I love you. Bye.
Hi, Max. How are you?
I know, it's horrible.
He robbed me blind.
Do you know
that I actually had
to vacay this year
in Palms Springs
instead of Hawaii?
Sounds horrible.
Well, I have such
good taste in everything,
except when it comes
to the men I marry.
(LAUGHS DRYLY)
Sweetie, she looks good.
She looks like
an obese supermodel.
Thanks, Francesca.
I kinda wanted to
talk to you about
my doggy mall.
Remember when I first
started working here,
I mentioned it and
you said you might...
You know...
So,
I was just thinking that
now might be a good time
to invest and...
Oh!
I have to wee-wee.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
FRANCESCA: Sweetie,
what'd I say? No phones
in the office. Remember.
Turn that off.
Don't answer it.
Dude, where are you?
Call me, call me,
call me, call me, call me!
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Ah!
Hello?
Please stop.
Hi. Yes, can we get
four grilled cheese
sandwiches please?
What? No.
Wrong number. God!
Stop! Stop laughing.
(SIGHS)
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Leave a message.
Mom. Dad. It's me, Deena.
Um...
Long time no speak.
Well, I just wanted
to let you know
that your wayward
black sheep daughter
has in fact sold a book.
I'm sure you
won't read it, but...
I just wanted to let you know
before someone else did. So...
That's it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Call me.
Or not.
Hey, Jayde.
Hey, girl, hey.
What are you
up to tonight?
Whoa. It's like
we share the same brain.
There's a party on Sunset,
a fashion show downtown
and then an art
opening on La Cienega.
All right, buddy,
okay. Sorry.
Just wait one
second, buddy.
Deena! Deena!
Hello, are you here?
Hey!
Hey.
Whoa! What are you wearing?
Nocturnal car wash.
Sunset and Vine.
Have you seen Deena?
No.
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God!
I can't believe how
much my life blows.
Can you watch Max?
I can't. I gotta
pay the rent.
Sorry. I'm sure
Deena'll be back soon.
Oh...
ON VOICEMAIL: Hi,
you reached Deena Gold, leave
a message after the beep.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Oh! Hey, Billy.
Hi. My mom told me
to bring this over. It got
delivered to our place.
Billy?
Yeah?
How old are you?
Twelve.
Do you wanna make 50 bucks?
Sure.
(SIGHS)
Hi.
Wow!
Oh, my God.
I'm so overdressed.
I thought we were
going to someplace nice.
Hey. Come on,
this place is nice.
I mean, it's not...
It's not this nice,
but they got
great onion rings.
Really. Here, sit down.
You look really pretty.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I was late.
I was...
Well, I was taking
care of Max.
Deena must be so grateful.
Uh-huh.
Listen, I kinda needed
to talk to you about
the other night.
No apology necessary.
I mean, you met my friends.
Deena is
nowhere near as bad as
those freaks, so...
Right. It's not
really about that.
Are you good?
Is everything okay?
Hope you two
are hungry.
Thank you!
You're welcome.
Mmm-hmm.
Let me know if you
need anything else.
Thank you.
Sorry, I hope you don't mind,
but I ordered every
appetizer on the menu.
Surprised?
I always do that!
Come on,
nobody always does that.
No, I really do.
My friends always
make fun of me.
They're so much
better than entrees.
I know, right?
Smaller portions.
More variety.
Get out.
Cheese sticks.
(LAUGHS)
While you go ahead
and finish chewing that
amazing cheese stick,
I'm gonna throw
coolness to the wind
and tell you that
I like you.
And I hope that
doesn't freak you out,
but I just... I like you.
And it would be great
if you would
say something kind
back to me right now.
I'm sorry,
this is just so hot.
I'm sorry.
What I really wanted
to do was be an athlete,
but it turns out
I can't run, I can't jump
and I can't catch.
So that kind of excluded me
from those things.
So I took up my new calling,
which was musical theater,
and I did
a little thing called
The Pirates of Penzance.
You may have heard of it.
I might have dominated it.
Just saying.
I'd like to see you
in some tights.
You and my grandma, both.
(LAUGHS)
What about you?
I wanna talk more
about you in tights.
Not a chance.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry. It's Deena.
If you gotta get it,
go ahead.
No, you know what?
It's cool.
It's probably nothing.
Sometimes she forgets
that I have a life too, so...
God, it must
be interesting.
What do you mean?
You know, just
living with
somebody so unestablished
who has a baby, that's all.
So, by interesting,
do you mean awful?
I just mean that
you would think
that having a baby
would force
someone to grow up.
It just doesn't seem like
that's happened for Deena.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
You don't really
know anything about her.
I'm not trying to
insult Deena at all.
I mean, having a baby
and living with roommates,
relying on them for
everything, that's horrid.
All I'm saying is that
I think that you
must be a saint
for dealing
with somebody who
so clearly
desperately needs it.
I just hope that
Deena understands that
and realizes that
she couldn't do
it without you.
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?
I need to go to the restroom.
What is he talking about?
Relying on
people for everything.
Well, he's making
this very easy.
There's no
emotional attachment.
Just a little bone and bolt.
A little nookie,
a quick roll in the hay,
that's all this is anyway.
Okay. Let's do this.
Wait, wait, wait.
I just want you to know,
if you wanna take this slow,
I'm okay with it.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, it seems that way.
Okay, let's get naked.
Hey. Get outta here.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
You feel amazing.
Really?
Like normal amazing,
or just...
Like amazing, amazing.
(LAUGHS)
Come here.
Help, help. I'm so
bad at these things.
(MOANING)
Oh, God.
What the...
It's not what you think.
Well, what do I think?
It happens.
Breast milk just happens?
It's tribal, you know,
like, from living with Deena.
You know how women
who live together
get their periods
at the same time?
No. I didn't know that.
How do you not know that?
You're a grown man!
Sorry, but no!
Well, it's like that.
I get breast milk,
and it squirts
when I get excited.
It's a compliment, really.
(SCOFFS)
He's your baby?
He's your baby.
Well, the first hour
that I met you,
you said that
kids were a buzzkill!
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
And then you
were so judgmental
about the whole thing!
Well, even if I did,
I didn't realize
we were talking about you.
Well, I didn't think
it mattered, okay?
This wasn't
supposed to be serious.
(SCOFFS)
Right. Right.
So, what was I?
Just some conquest?
Just some random guy?
Oh, what was it
that Deena said?
"Getting back into the game,
always a player at heart"?
That's you, huh?
Awesome.
So...
You've never lied
about anything because
you thought it made
things seem easier?
No.
Well, I guess
you're a better
person than I am.
Good-bye.
(SNIFFLING)
What's going on?
Hello? Wait, sir! Sir!
Wait! Sir, stop!
Stop, stop.
Wait, sir,
just a second. Stop!
He's fine. He's sleeping.
'Cause that
neighbor kid you hired
kinda freaked out, Kim.
He'd never been
around a baby before.
If I hadn't come home,
they would have
called social services.
Where the fuck were
you tonight? You were
supposed to babysit!
What? Are you
out of your mind?
There is nothing,
there is absolutely nothing
that excuses your behavior.
So I wasn't here,
so you be here, Kim.
It's your child.
How dare you!
How dare you judge me!
You have no idea
what it's like.
If it had been me that night,
if it had been me who
stole the last condom...
What?
This could have been you.
Wow, Kim.
Who are you?
I don't know.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
DEENA: Oh, my God!
JAYDE: What?
What are you listening to?
Is it that guy Henri?
Give, give.
Let me listen.
Oh, my God.
This guy is crazy.
Listen to the voice mail.
No!
I know.
Wait, the end's gross.
I thought that
was the best bit.
Save it.
Totally.
For sure.
He's a freak.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)
(MAX GURGLING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Oh, my God,
there you are!
I've been 911 -ing
you all day.
Where have you been?
The customers are
starting to complain.
Francesca, are you
ever going to invest
in my doggy mall?
Oh, God, the doggy mall,
the dog mall.
All I hear about
is the stupid dog mall.
Maybe I'd talk to you
about that dog mall
if you actually did
your job once in a while.
You know what, Francesca?
I am so sick of letting
you treat me like shit.
Consider this my
five minutes' notice.
You... But you
can't just quit.
And you know what else?
You're not 21 -year-old hot.
That's very rude.
Good-bye.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Hi. I brought you
some magazines
and sandwiches.
Godmothers,
extra spicy
with the works.
Are you gonna emerge
from the darkness
anytime soon?
Is Deena here?
No.
She's avoiding me?
Yeah.
My best friend thinks
I'm a despicable person,
I lost the first guy
who's liked me
in a really long time
and I'm the worst mom ever.
When I get sad,
I like to think of
good things that are
unrelated to my problems.
Like whales, or those
little yellow chickens
from Easter, puffs.
Those are called Peeps.
Laura, I know you're
just trying to help,
but can you please
just leave us alone?
Kim.
(MAX CRYING)
(SHUSHING)
I don't mean to sound harsh,
but you're kind of
just lying around
like you're giving up
on life or something.
That's easy
for you to say!
Why? Because my life
is so perfect?
I have no skills,
except that I'm pretty.
People think I'm dumb.
I live in a world
where I'm considered
a weirdo
because of my beliefs.
I'm not saying that
my problems are as
serious as yours.
I mean, heck no.
But everything's relative.
You need to be
happy for Max.
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Can I help you?
Hey, beauty. I heard.
What do you say we go out
and get into some
old-school trouble?
I'm just really focused
on my career right now.
Yeah. So am I.
But I wake up every morning
with a raging boner
with your name on it.
Come on, let me be your
"man with dishpan hands."
How did you...
I googled you.
Oh, my God, it's you!
Rita, the receptionist!
I'm marrying
my skydiving instructor,
and it's all because of you!
Congratulations.
Thank you!
What do you think, buddy?
Hey!
Hey.
You made it!
You are late.
I had to stop for these.
I don't believe in flowers.
I think they're a
trite symbol developed
to keep women needy.
I only agreed to
let you meet me here
so you would
stop pestering me.
Yeah, I know.
You're aware of
the conditions?
No talking. No touching.
No disturbing my workflow.
What if I violate
those terms?
I said, no talking.
Are you looking
to be punished?
I promise to
leave you alone.
If you agree to stop by
American Apparel afterwards
and try on
a few things for me.
You are such a perv.
Deal.
I didn't know
a place like this existed.
This place is awesome.
The second JJJ gets in here,
she completely falls asleep.
I get to relax,
I can do my drawing...
Oh, wow, you draw?
You seem shocked.
Are you propagating the myth
that stay-at-home moms
have to give up
all their passions?
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I actually am writing
a children's book,
it's called "Tickle,
Tickle Little Pickle."
My husband Brock
says it's gonna be
the laughing stock
of the Internet,
but, you know what,
I like it.
I can show it to
you if you want.
You don't have to.
Yeah, I'd love to see it.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, so that's it.
Yeah. The pickle looks
a little demented now,
but it's a prototype.
I'm thinking on taking down
the squirrel things,
because right now
it looks like
it's actually trying
to kill the pickle.
Wow. This is
a pretty rock and roll
little kids' book.
I think there's
something there.
What do you think, buddy?
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(PANTING)
(MOANING)
DEENA ON BABY MONITOR:
Oh, God! Keep doing...
Oh, keep doing that!
Oh, don't stop that! Oh!
Oh, God!
Pussy master!
Pussy master, yes!
Oh, yes, pussy master!
(MOANING)
Oh, pussy master! Yes!
Oh, yes, you're
a pussy master!
(SIGHING)
(MAX CRYING)
(GROANS)
To speak or act in
an evasive way, 11 letters.
Prevaricate.
Well, hello there.
How'd you sleep?
Horrible. I just now
got Max to sleep.
How did you sleep,
pussy master?
Kim. Nicholas
asked about you.
I think he'd like
to hear from you.
Great.
Tell him I said hi.
You don't have to be
so hard on yourself, Kim.
You know you made
a mistake, you're
human, big whoop.
So is he.
Oh, my gosh!
I've been chosen
for a reality show!
I get to live in a mansion!
(SQUEALS)
What?
Yeah. America's Last Virgin!
I found out about it,
and I sent my picture in
and I'm in!
Wait. What show?
America's Last Virgin.
They find 20 virgins,
all over the age of 21.
And they have us
live in a house
where there's
porn playing 24/7,
and you share
a room with a male model.
And then,
you go out on dates
and the dates,
they try to tempt you
into losing your virginity.
And the last virgin
standing wins $100,000!
It's perfect, right?
Deena, I figured
you're always saying
take things as they come.
It's like that
chapter in your book,
"Grab Life By The Balls."
So I totally
grabbed my balls.
I mean,
I thought it was gross,
but I get it now. You get it.
I knew I was saving myself
for something this special!
(SHRIEKS)
Oh!
That sounds like
a recipe for rape.
Did she just make it
sound like I inspired her
to do that?
Hey, Deena,
can I talk to you
for a minute, outside?
Alone?
Yeah.
Pussy master!
(EXHALES)
I'm gonna move out.
Wow. Okay.
I'm gonna pay you
the next month's rent,
so that will
give you enough time
to figure out
what you wanna do.
Uh...
Is this like about
last night? Because
we were loud...
I know things
have been awkward
between us...
It's not that.
You and I had this plan
to be fabulous and
conquer the world.
And I'm sorry that
I relied on you...
Kim, you don't
have to feel...
Please, just
let me finish.
I think that
the really scary part
has been realizing that
maybe I don't need
to conquer the world.
Maybe I'm okay
with hanging out
with the lame moms
at Caf Chez Bb.
Maybe I'm more
than okay with it.
Maybe I like it.
So what are you gonna do?
Doggy mall?
Yeah, I'm starting to
think that whole idea was
childish and unsanitary
and maybe even unsafe.
I honestly don't know.
Deena, I'm so happy
for you and your success,
and I adore you.
I adore you.
But you have to focus
on your career now,
and I need...
I need to focus
on being a mom.
And I just worry that
if I don't move out now...
That we might
not stay friends.
(SOBS)
So, it's a one bedroom,
one bath,
but there's a nice
little nook over here
that would be
great for a nursery.
Wanna see it?
We'll take it.
Do you wanna discuss it
with your husband?
Nope. It's just us.
All right, then.
Let me show you the backyard.
There's a sandbox
and a swing set...
Did you hear that, buddy?
There's a sandbox!
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
He's getting so heavy.
You're getting so heavy.
Is that your truck?
Max, can you say "truck"?
Truck?
That's a bunny.
(RATTLES)
Kisses. Kisses for you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
You sweet little thing,
you were just walking!
Oh, my God,
you sweet little monkey!
I'm so proud of you!
Oh, my God! My baby.
(GASPING)
Henri! Henri,
Henri! It came!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! It came!
Baby, maybe we should
get a joint bank account.
Oh, man, I grew up
in a trailer.
They pay a lot of money
for self-help books.
It's not
a self-help book, punk.
It's a sociological study.
Oh, it's a sociological
study. You're rich.
Oh, my gosh, that's hot.
You're so rich.
I love that.
I've never had sex
with a rich woman before.
Outside, anyway...
Never had sex...
And sober.
Whoa, whoa!
Okay, just one finger.
(DEENA LAUGHS)
You eat it.
You eat it. I'm good.
I'm sorry for being late.
I'm so, so sorry.
How's the little dude?
How are you?
So, let me guess,
you didn't get
your contract
and now you think
you can just waltz
back into our lives?
No, that's not it.
I read this
rad book when I was on tour
called Pregnancy and Beyond.
Uh-huh.
Read the whole thing,
cover to cover.
It had gnarly stuff
about smegma, I almost
stopped reading it.
Then I kept reading it,
and it started to talk about
how they start
to develop these,
like, sick personalities.
And it made me wanna,
like, not miss out on
all that good stuff.
And the truth is,
I nearly lost my abdomen
in a shark attack.
There's nothing
like a brush with death
to make you realize
what the important
things in life are.
And I wanna see my kid.
Okay?
I'm not gonna go
through this again, Marc.
I want another
shot at being a dad.
Can you understand that?
I think I'd be a good dad.
(LAUGHING)
(SQUEALING)
Come here.
Come here, little buddy.
You gonna be a little
hell raiser, aren't you?
You gonna be
a little hell raiser?
A little outlaw?
A little bandit?
He's a good boy.
(MAX BABBLING)
What's that?
Bad boy?
Bad!
MARC: Okay.
(EXHALES)
Hey!
Hey!
How are you?
Good. Good.
How are you?
Good.
Where's Max?
Is he in college yet?
Actually, he's with Marc.
Really?
Yep.
He came crawling back,
and now he takes him
whenever I go to work.
Wow.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you,
I miss seeing Max every day.
And you.
Yeah. Me too.
So...
My dad called me.
That's great, Deena.
I bet that feels
really good.
Yeah.
What are we doing?
I miss you.
I miss you!
I've got so much
to tell you.
Come in, come in.
What?
Oh, my God!
Dude, the place
looks outta sight!
It's Henri, man.
He's all over it.
(GASPS)
You bought
the massage chair!
I love that thing.
I wanna be buried with it.
This is awesome!
Whatever happened
to waiting at least
two years before
moving in with a guy?
Well, the rules are,
there are no rules.
When multiple orgasms
are involved. (MOCK GASPS)
Shut up! I thought
those were a myth!
So did I, dude.
So did I.
Well, I e-mailed Nicholas.
And?
And nothing.
I mean, I wasn't
expecting a response
after the crap
that I pulled, but...
I just wanted
to clear the air.
Good.
So, listen.
I got a huge advance
check for my book.
Wow, dude,
you are killing it!
And I want to
invest a portion of it.
Okay.
See, I've been
working on this project
that I want to piggyback
off the book release.
I need you to
partner with me, 50-50.
It feels great.
But I'm not surprised at all.
I knew I'd make it
past round four.
I was born to win this.
The golden crotch
remains intact!
Oh, my gosh!
You guys, I can't be late.
We have to go.
Come on. Come on!
Hi, look at you!
Take your hand?
Let's go. Let's go!
Come on. Baby, let's go.
It's so much fun.
I know.
Ready, one, two...
Ready?
Hey! We made it.
Hey.
Thanks for coming,
everybody.
Kim, front and center.
Patti, thanks for coming.
Jayde, get your
weights up. Great.
Here we go, guys.
We're gonna start
with a lift and touch.
Lift and touch.
Get those arms tight.
Get those loose knees.
Henri, out of here!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Lift up and down.
There we go. Looking good.
Oh, my God!
We look like such tools.
I love it!
I know, I can't believe
we're gonna be on demand,
dude, it's so good.
Who knew we'd be able
to capitalize on me
getting knocked up?
HENRl: Babe, you here?
Yep.
Nicholas and I
got burritos.
We're gonna
shoot a little pool.
Is that cool?
Cool. Yep.
What? Nicholas is here?
Kim.
What am I gonna do?
I'm gonna hide.
Kim.
I can't hide.
Max is here! Oh, my God!
Kim! Kim.
Oh, Jesus, how do I look?
You look beautiful.
It's gonna be okay.
Okay.
Hey. Oh!
Hey.
Hi.
Henri?
What?
Do you wanna go in
the other room and
feel me up?
Yeah, I do.
Okay.
Bye, Deena.
Don't feel her up.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I got your e-mail...
Yeah.
And I don't think
that you are a...
"A flaming piece of shit,"
or "A pox on
the face of dignity."
You don't?
I understand why
someone might not
tell someone something,
because they are afraid of
the way they might react.
All right. This is hard.
I'm
married.
Oh!
No, technically,
I'm separated.
She moved out
before you and I met.
Actually, I'm four days away
from being legally divorced.
But this year
was rough for me.
And I met you, and
you just made it better
and I didn't
want to do anything
to screw that up. And...
I should have told you.
So, then,
we're both liars.
But, for the record,
you were first.
Well, that's
a great foundation
for a relationship,
don't you think?
Not that I'm suggesting
that we would
have a relationship,
I was just making
a statement, like an
observation that doesn't...
Aw...
My ovaries just
skipped a beat.
Mine too.
(LAUGHS)
Let's shoot
some sticks, yo!
Bros vs. Hoes.
You ready for this?
Ladies, you should
know that we are
pretty good at this.
Oh, you have no idea.
That's a big check, mister.
NICHOLAS: Not big at all.
Come on. Come to Deena.
Hey, don't put it
on the table!
What?
Oh, I'm sorry,
you're not a baby.
You're like a person.
You're like
a real person now.
All right. Okay.
Let's do this.
Sorry, Max.
I rack 'em really,
really tight.
Break it.
All right, you got
a mean mommy here.
Ready? Go on,
Kim, break.
Okay, I'll break.
Yeah, you can. Come on.
You can do it. You can
do it. You can do it.
(ALL CHEERING)
Lost again!
So did we lose?