TIMES HAVE CHANGED
AND WE'VE OFTEN
REWOUND THE CLOCK
SINCE THE PURITANS
GOT A SHOCK
WHEN THEY LANDED
ON PLYMOUTH ROCK
AS YOU SEE,
THERE'S NOTHING IN MY HAT.
I'M GONNA POUR THIS JUG OF MILK
INSIDE MY HAT.
KIDS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY
KIDS, WHO CAN UNDERSTAND
ANYTHING THEY SAY
LIFE, HUMANITY, EVERYTHING...
IS JUST SCUM FLOATING
ROUND AND ROUND...
ON TOP OF THE WATER
UNTIL IT FINALLY SINKS.
KUM-BAH-YAH, MY LORD
KUM-BAH-YAH
["Give My Regards To Broadway"]
AAH!
[French]
OH, MA, I DID IT WRONG.
AAAH!
WAS THAT GOOD?
AND NOW I'M GONNA PU THIS HAT ON MY HEAD.
SHE WOKE UP AND FOUND THA HER DREAM OF LOVE WAS GONE
MADAM
SHE RAN TO THE MAN WHO HAD
LED HER SO FAR ASTRAY
AND FROM UNDER
HER VELVET GOWN
SHE DREW A GUN AND SHO BANG, BANG, HER LOVER DOWN
AND THOUGH I'M NO A GREAT ROMANCER
I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND
TO ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE
ANYTHING GOES
AND I KNOW
THAT IF I WERE DOWN,
I SHOULD WANT TO GO
DEEPER AND DEEPER...
INTO THE FETID, FESTERING EARTH.
[Sighs]
THANK YOU, UH, GEORGE.
THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
IN A HUNDRED YEARS
WE'LL BOTH BE DEAD.
I'M NOT SURE
I CAN WAIT THAT LONG.
LET'S GO, MOTHER.
ONE SECOND.
HOW DID GEORGE DO,
MR. CHAPMAN?
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT...
WHOA! NOT YET, HONEY, NOT YET.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGH WANT TO REPRESENT HIM?
WELL, WE REALLY DON'T GE MUCH CALL FOR CHILDREN
DOING STRINDBERG THESE DAYS.
MAYBE GEORGE COULD WORK UP
SOMETHING A LITTLE LIGHTER
FOR US NEXT TIME.
WHEN'S LITTLE MIKEY GE HERE? GOOD QUESTION.
EXCUSE ME.
WHEN'S HE GONNA GET HERE?
[Grunting]
GEENA. GEENA. GEENA!
HI, MR. CHAPMAN.
[Sighs]
WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S A WALKMAN.
I KNOW IT'S A WALKMAN.
DO YOU KNOW WHY THEY
CALL IT A WALKMAN?
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO WEAR IT WHEN YOU WALK.
NOT WHEN YOU'RE
SITTING AT A DESK, WORKING.
HOW CAN YOU HEAR
IF SOMEBODY CALLS?
DID SOMEBODY CALL?
WAS IT FOR ME?
YEAH, HARVARD MEDICAL.
YOUR BRAIN IS READY.
JUST GET MY BROTHER
ON THE PHONE, PLEASE.
WHOA! CHAPMAN STEALS THE PUCK,
HE SPLITS THE "D."
HE MAKES HIS MOVE.
IT'S A STRONG MOVE!
HE IS THE KING
OF WEST 83rd.
[Grunting]
HOW CAN HE BE SO GOOD?
HOW ABOUT YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO
BE MY FATHER! OHH!
HE IGNORES THE FEEBLE TAUNTS
OF THE PATHETIC DEFENDERS.
YES! AND HE... SHOOTS!
[Boys]
UH-OH.
C'MERE!
YOU HEARD HIM. GET OVER
THERE! HUH-HUH!
[Boys Chanting]
FIGHT! FIGHT!
FIGHT! FIGHT!
CALM DOWN, YOU JUS CALM DOWN A SECOND.
IT'S NOT EASY BEIN' FATHER
TO ALL THESE KIDS.
YOU SEE THAT CAR?
THAT'S MY BOSS'S CAR, AND HE
AIN'T GONNA BE TOO HAPPY
IF HE SEES IT.
AND IF HE AIN'T HAPPY,
I AIN'T HAPPY.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I APPRECIATE YOUR SITUATION.
I FEEL COMPELLED TO TELL YOU,
HOWEVER, THAT I AM
SOMETHING OF A CELEBRITY.
WHAT KIND OF CELEBRITY ARE YOU?
ASSHOLE OF THE MONTH?
NO, THAT'S ALL POLITICAL.
UM, ACTUALLY, DID YOU EVER
SEE A TELEVISION SHOW CALLED
LIFE WITH MIKEY?
YOU KNOW, HE'S WACKY, HE'S WILD,
HE'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE CHILD.
IT'S LIFE WITH MIKEY
YEAH, I'VE SEEN IT.
SO WHAT?
WELL, THAT'S ME.
I'M LITTLE MIKEY.
MOOSE SHIT!
TELL 'IM, GUYS. TELL 'IM.
[Chanting]
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
ANY CHANCE OF GETTING TIME OFF
FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?
HEY! IT IS YOU!
LITTLE MIKEY!
OH! HEY, DO ME A FAVOR,
AUTOGRAPH SOMETHIN'
FOR ME, WILL YA?
OH, YEAH, SURE.
SO, YOU STILL AN ACTOR?
NO, I GOT OUTTA THA WHEN I WAS ABOUT 15.
I JUST STARTED TO HATE
THE SUPERFICIALITY
OF THE WHOLE SCENE.
I'M AN AGENT NOW.
MORNING, BAMBI.
HEY, IT'S NOON,
HONEY.
[Geena]
OH, SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
GOOD MORNING, GEENA.
YOU WANT A KISS?
OKAY.
SO, IS HE MAD?
HE SAID HE WAS GONNA KILL
YA IF YA WEREN'T HERE
IN 15 MINUTES.
HOW LONG AGO
WAS THAT?
REST IN PEACE, MR. CHAPMAN.
[Door Opening]
I'M SORRY, MR. CHAPMAN,
IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL,
BUT BUSINESS IS BUSINESS.
MRS. TOBIN.
HEY, SISTERS GRIMM,
DYNAMIC DUET.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.
GIMME FIVE. GIMME 20.
MICHAEL, MRS. TOBIN IS TAKING
THE GIRLS OVER TO TINY TALENT.
GO ON, GIRLS.
GOOD-BYE, MR. CHAPMAN.
THAT'S FINE, MRS. TOBIN,
IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED
IN THE DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL.
WHAT?
ED, YOU DIDN'T TELL THEM ABOU THE DOUBLEMINT COMMERCIAL?
WHAT WERE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?
I HONESTLY
HAVE NO IDEA.
DO YOU GIRLS
LIKE DOUBLEMINT?
CAN YOU SAY,
DOUBLE-ICIOUS?
YEAH, THAT DOUBLEMIN COMMERCIAL, THAT'S ONLY
A PHONE CALL AWAY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID
THREE MONTHS AGO, MR. CHAPMAN.
IT WON'T WORK THIS TIME.
COME ON, GIRLS.
[Ed]
KEEP YOUR COAT ON, MICHAEL.
WE HAVE TO GO SEE BARRY CORMAN.
MOM, WHAT KIND OF CEREAL
IS THIS?
OH, IT'S NEW FROM
COUNTRY KITCHENS.
- IT'S NOT GOOD FOR YOU, IS IT?
- OF COURSE NOT, DEAR.
ISN'T IT DEWICIOUS...
DELICIOUS? CUT!
[Mooing]
I'M SORRY, BARRY.
HOW MUCH OF THIS CRAP DO
I HAVE TO EAT TODAY?
WHAT AM I, JOB? MOM!
NOT YOU, MY REAL MOM.
THE ONE WHO DOESN' NEED ACTING LESSONS.
I'M HERE, BARRY.
HONEY, I'M RIGHT HERE.
I CAN'T WORK WITH THESE PEOPLE.
I KNOW.
OR THESE ANIMALS.
PROBABLY JUST HAVING SOME
ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES
WITH THE DIRECTOR.
HEY, ED, ED, ED, WHY DON' YOU RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
HE'S A 12-YEAR-OLD KID.
I KNOW THAT. YOU THINK I
LIKE JUMPING EVERY TIME
A 12-YEAR-OLD CALLS?
BUT I HAVE TO BECAUSE THIS
KID IS GONNA PUT BRACES
ON MY DAUGHTER'S TEETH.
KRISTIN'S GONNA BE FINE.
BESIDES, OVERBITES
CAN BE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
[Sighs]
PUT THAT DOWN.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS?
[Giggling]
LISTEN TO ME.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
JUST BEHAVE YOURSELF, OKAY?
MRS. CORMAN! HOW ARE YOU?
OH, MRS. C. YOU LOOK RAVISHING.
REALLY DO. ABSOLUTELY. DO I?
OH, I AM USING
THIS NEW MOISTURIZER.
YOU LOOK VERY MOIST.
VERY.
HEY, MOM, THIS IS A BUSINESS
MEETING, NOT A BLOCK PARTY.
DO ME A FAVOR. GO DOWN TO
THE CORNER AND GET ME
A COUPLE OF BIG MACS.
AND, UH, GET YOURSELF
A LITTLE SOMETHING.
WOULD YOU BOYS LIKE ANYTHING?
THEY'RE FINE.
YEAH, WE'LL JUST GET BY...
ON WHATEVER FALLS OU OF BARRY'S MOUTH.
[Chuckling]
I'LL SEE YOU ALL LATER.
HEY, MOM, GET A LIFE.
ALL RIGHT, I'M READY
FOR YOUR APOLOGY.
WA... WAIT A MINUTE.
WH... WHAT IS HE TALKIN' ABOUT?
MICHAEL, UM, BARRY
FEELS THAT YOU'RE
NOT QUITE SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH.
THAT YOU'RE OCCASIONALLY
RUDE AND DISMISSIVE...
AND YOU DON'T TAKE
HIS CAREER SERIOUSLY.
YOU'VE BROUGHT ME DOWN HERE
TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM?
WHAT, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND? FOR WHAT?
FOR DISCOVERING HIM WITH
HIS ENTIRE HEAD STUFFED
IN A BOX OF COCOA PUFFS?
I MADE THIS KID
THE CEREAL KING.
YEAH, WELL, I'M SICK OF DOING
CEREAL COMMERCIALS.
I WANNA DO NEW STUFF.
I WANNA GROW ARTISTICALLY.
I WANNA WORK WITH
MICHELLE PFEIFFER.
HOW COME I WASN'T PU UP FOR HER LAST MOVIE?
TOTALLY OUR FAULT, BARRY.
BARRY, THEY NEED YOU IN MAKEUP.
WE HAD NO IDEA...
YOU WERE INTERESTED
IN THE PART.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SHAMELESS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET ON
YOUR KNEES AND SACRIFICE
A GOAT TO THIS KID?
LET'S HOPE IT DOESN' COME TO THAT.
BARRY, IF YOU HAD ONLY
MENTIONED THIS SOONER.
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO CLOWNS,
WE'LL TALK LATER.
I GOTTA GET INTO CHARACTER.
WHAT CHARACTER?
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SWALLOW.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA BE LAUGHING
YOURSELF RIGHT OUT OF A CLIENT,
MR. FUNNY MAN,
BECAUSE BRIAN SPIRO
FROM UNITED TALENT...
HAS BEEN TAKIN' ME OU TO A LOTTA LUNCHES RECENTLY.
GREAT! HE'LL BE OUTTA BUSINESS
SOON, THE WAY YOU EAT.
[Nervous Chuckling]
HE'S KIDDING, BARRY!
MICHAEL LIKES TO KID AROUND.
TELL HIM YOU WERE
KIDDING, MICHAEL.
ALL RIGHT, I...
[Clears Throat]
I WAS KIDDING, BARRY.
I WAS KIDDING.
COME ON.
YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.
[Cracking]
VERY MUCH.
[Gulping]
MMM!
WHEN I PUT BARRY
IN THAT HEADLOCK,
I GOT VITALIS
ALL OVER MY SHIRT.
LISTEN, MICHAEL, I'VE GO TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
YES, ED?
[Sighs]
I'M THINKING OF,
EH, GETTING OUT.
GIVING UP THE BUSINESS.
YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.
YES, I AM SERIOUS.
ONE DAY, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
SEND THE GIRLS TO COLLEGE,
MARILYN WANTS TO GO TO EUROPE.
WE'VE GOT THE MORTGAGE
ON THE HOUSE, I'M UP
TO MY EARS IN CREDIT...
ED, YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEAVE
ME. YA CAN'T LEAVE ME.
THIS IS THE ONLY THING
I KNOW HOW TO DO.
YOU GOTTA MAKE A
DECISION, MICHAEL.
YOU WANNA DO THIS
JOB OR YOU DON'T.
BECAUSE, I GOTTA TELL YA,
UNCLE LARRY ASKED ME
TO COME WORK WITH HIM.
UNCLE LARRY?
UNCLE LARRY?
ED, UNCLE LARRY SELLS
BATHROOM ACCESSORIES.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA
DO WITH YOUR LIFE?
NO, MICHAEL, I DON'T WANNA
WORK WITH UNCLE LARRY,
BUT I CAN'T RUN THIS
AGENCY BY MYSELF.
EITHER YOU STAR BECOMING A REAL PARTNER...
OR IT'S OVER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
I'M... I KNOW I'VE BEEN
NEGLIGENT.
I DO COME IN LATE,
AND I...
I MISSED A COUPLE OF DAYS
HERE AND THERE.
YOU MISSED OCTOBER.
SO I'LL SEE YA BRIGH AND EARLY MONDAY MORNING.
GOOD. BRIGHT AND EARLY.
I WILL BE THERE
WHEN WE OPEN.
WHAT TIME DO WE OPEN?
[Girl Crying]
SOMEBODY TOOK THE FISH
OUT OF THE FISHBOWL...
AND PUT IT IN A BOWL
WITH NO WATER.
[Audience Laughing]
[Woman]
MIKEY!
[Man]
MIKEY.
DAD, SO NICE
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
GET DOWN HERE.
[Girl]
HOW COULD YOU DO THA TO LITTLE GOLDIE?
LISTEN, IF IT MAKES
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,
I'M SURE LITTLE GOLDIE'S
IN FISH HEAVEN.
FISH HEAVEN RIGHT NOW.
OR IN A FISH STICK.
OR IN A FISH STICK.
[Chuckling]
HEY, DON'T MAKE JOKES
ABOUT CYNTHIA'S FISH.
NOW, YOU HAVE TO LEARN
WHEN TO BE A COMEDIAN
AND WHEN TO BE SERIOUS.
NO TV OR ICE CREAM
FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
ANY CHANCE OF GETTING TIME OFF
FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?
[Audience Laughing]
[Chorus]
HE'S WACKY, HE'S WILD
HE'S EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE CHILD
IT'S LIFE WITH MIKEY
LIFE WITH MIKEY
HE'S COMING, LOOK OUT
THERE'S TROUBLE IN STORE
LINE UP FOR
LITTLE MIKEY'S AUTOGRAPH.
EAT A LOTTA TURKEY TODAY,
WE GOT LITTLE MIKEY HERE.
[Man]
YO, LITTLE MIKEY!
YOUR SHOW SUCKS, MAN!
[Crowd Booing]
HEY, YOU WANNA COME OVER HERE
AND SAY THAT?
HE'S NOT COMIN'
OVER HERE, IS HE?
[Crowd Laughing]
I NOW DECLARE THIS TURKEY
SHACK... STUFFED.
[Cheering]
[Indistinct Talking]
[Girl]
OH! OH, EXCUSE ME.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
THANKS, MISTER.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
THANKS.
SAME TO YOU, KID.
GIMME A COUPLE
OF THOSE BAD BOYS AND THESE.
SEVEN BUCKS.
THINK I LEFT MYWALLET... HEY!
HEY! HEY!
STOP! WAIT!
WHOA!
STOP RIGHT THERE!
HEY!
[Huffing]
AH, YOU'RE FAST.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY
IN WOMEN'S TRACK AND FIELD.
MORE THAN THERE IS
IN MY WALLET.
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUS GIVE IT BACK TO ME?
WE'LL FORGET THE
WHOLE THING, HUH?
I DON'T HAVE YOUR WALLET.
YOU COME NEAR ME, AND
I'LL SCREAM FOR A COP!
WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
THAT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA DO.
LOOK, I'M GONNA WALK
TOWARDS YOU VERY SLOW.
JUST GIVE ME THE WALLET.
THAT'S A MAGNIFYING GLASS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WAIT 'TIL SUNRISE AND
BURN ME TO DEATH?
OKAY, NOW THAT'S SCARY.
JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE,
AND NOBODY GETS HURT.
SO, WHAT GRADE ARE YA IN?
[Train Rumbling]
SIXTH!
AAAH!
YEE-OWW!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!
I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING!
[Woman]
I SAW YOU!
HOLD STILL!
[Woman]
WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?
IF YOU DIDN'T STEAL ANYTHING,
WHAT IS THIS?
SOMEBODY GET A COP!
[Girl Crying]
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
IT'S JUST... IT'LL BE CHRISTMAS
SOON. AND NOW THAT MOM'S GONE,
IT'S JUST ME AND DAD
AND LITTLE JIMMY.
HOW SAD.
AND...
[Sobbing]
DON'T CRY, HONEY.
YOU SEE, LITTLE JIMMY WANTS
A BATMAN DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS
BECAUSE HE LOVES BATMAN.
EXCEPT HE DIDN'T LIKE THE SECOND
MOVIE AS MUCH AS THE FIRST,
BUT HE STILL WANTS ONE.
BUT MY DAD CAN'T AFFORD
TO BUY ANY PRESENTS...
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN OUT OF WORK
EVER SINCE THE ACCIDENT.
WHAT ACCIDENT?
A BUS HIT HIM ON
MADISON AVENUE.
OH.
HE'S WAS RIDING HIS BICYCLE
BECAUSE HE'S BEEN A MESSENGER
EVER SINCE THE STRIKE.
WHAT STRIKE?
THE AIR TRAFFIC
CONTROLLER'S STRIKE.
HE'S BEEN SO DEPRESSED.
SOMETIMES HE JUST SITS HOME,
STARING OUT THE WINDOW
LANDING IMAGINARY PLANES.
SO I WANTED TO TRY AND
BUY JIMMY HIS BATMAN,
BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY MONEY
BECAUSE I'M A CHILD.
SO I TRIED TO STEAL IT,
WHICH IS WRONG
AND BAD AND TERRIBLE.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
CAROL, THIS ISN'T MY WALLET.
THAT'S MINE.
THAT'S MY WALLET.
HE'S RIGHT, HIS PICTURE'S
ON THE DRIVER'S LICENSE.
SO SHE TRIED TO STEAL
YOUR WALLET TOO, RIGHT?
STEAL IT? THIS IS MY DAUGHTER.
YOUR DAUGHTER?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
HOW COULD SHE BE YOUR
DAUGHTER? YEAH!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
HOW COULD SHE BE MY DAUGHTER?
YOU EVER HEARD OF ADOPTION?
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU,
MISTER. YOUR DAUGHTER JUS TRIED TO PICKPOCKET MY HUSBAND.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK. MY LITTLE
GIRL WOULD NEVER TAKE ANYTHING
THAT DOESN'T BELONG TO HER.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HONEY?
I'M SORRY. I'M BAD. I KNOW
IT. DADDY, I NEED HELP.
I KNOW. WE'RE TRYIN' TO GET YA
HELP. NOW, I'M SURE IF YOU...
APOLOGIZE TO THIS NICE MAN
AND GIVE HIM BACK HIS WALLET,
HE WON'T CALL THE POLICE.
CAN'T I JUST APOLOGIZE?
GIVE HIM THE WALLET,
OKAY?
IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS.
SHOW'S OVER.
WE'RE WORKIN' IT OUT.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
GIVE HIM THE-ALL RIGHT.
OH... AH, THIS ISN' MINE, EITHER.
I'M SORRY.
LET ME HAVE THAT BACK.
WHAT COLOR WAS YOURS?
BROWN ALLIGATOR.
OH. OKAY, BROWN ALLIGATOR...
UH, IS THIS IT?
NO.
WAIT A MINUTE, ALLI... OH, BROWN
ALLIGATOR.
HEY, BINGO, A WINNER.
OKAY, LET'S GO, HONEY.
COMING, DADDY.
I CAN'T WAIT TO GE BACK TO CONNECTICUT.
YOU WERE INCREDIBLE.
I MEAN... THAT WAS
AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE WON
EMMY AWARDS FOR LESS THAN THAT.
I KNOW. I DID.
LOOK, AS SOON
AS WE TURN THE CORNER,
LET GO OF MY HAND.
LISTEN, MY NAME IS
MICHAEL CHAPMAN,
I'M A CHILDREN'S TALENT AGENT.
IF YOU CAN DO IN FRONT OF A
TELEVISION CAMERA WHAT YOU JUS DID, WE COULD BE VERY WEALTHY.
LET ME GIVE YOU
MY CARD... HEY!
FOR A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR
HELPS THE MEDICINE GO
DOWN MEDICINE GO DOWN
MEDICINE GO DOWN JUS A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR
HELPS THE MEDICINE GO DOWN
IN THE MOST DELIGHTFUL WAY
OH, THANK YOU, ERICA.
I LOVE THAT SONG.
ME TOO.
WHAT WERE YOU PLAYIN'?
[Grunting]
OSCAR, WAKE UP.
UH, WHERE ARE WE?
WE'RE AT A AUDITION.
ALL RIGHT!
YOU'LL BE SWELL
YOU'LL BE GREAT
GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE
WORLD ON A PLATE
STARTING HERE
STARTING NOW
HONEY, EVERYTHING'S
COMING UP ROSES
YOU'RE THE BEST AGENTS!
[Snoring]
[Boy]
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, FELIX.
I'M CRACKING UP.
I TOLD YOU A HUNDRED TIMES,
I CAN'T STAND LITTLE NOTES
ON MY PILLOW.
WE'RE OUT OF CORN FLAKES,
F.U.
IT TOOK ME THREE HOURS
TO FIGURE OU THAT F.U. WAS FELIX UNGER.
["You're A Grand Old Flag"]
MR. CHAPMAN, THERE'S
A GIRL ON THE PHONE.
SHE SAYS SHE HAS YOUR WALLET.
YES! YES.
HI.
COUNT IT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
I TRUST YA.
[Man]
CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
YEAH, I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER,
LARGE FRIES AND A VANILLA SHAKE.
COFFEE.
COFFEE?
YEAH, COFFEE.
IT COMES FROM BEANS.
EVER HEARD OF IT?
YOU, UH, YOU WAN A CHEESEBURGER?
I GOT MY WALLET BACK.
I DON'T EAT BURGERS.
I'M A VEGETARIAN.
AH, THAT'S FASCINATING.
HOW COME?
LOOK, I'M NOT HERE TO
TALK ABOUT FOOD.
I WANNA KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'RE
TALKIN' ABOUT FOR THIS TV THING.
WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
I GOT A COUPLE QUESTIONS FOR YOU
BEFORE WE GET INTO
THE FINANCIAL END OF THINGS.
YEAH, WELL, I GOT SOME
QUESTIONS FOR YOU.
HOW COME YOU GET TO GO FIRST?
'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T ANSWER
MY QUESTIONS, I DON'T KNOW IF
I CAN TAKE YOU TO THE AUDITION.
AND IF YOU DON'T ANSWER
MY QUESTIONS, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN GO TO AN AUDITION.
AND IF YOU KEEP BLOWIN'
THAT SMOKE IN MY FACE,
WE'RE THROUGH TALKIN' NOW.
SORRY. WHAT'S YOUR
NAME, ANYWAY?
ANGIE VEGA. AND THIS IS
THE NON-SMOKING SECTION.
YOU WANNA PUT THAT OU BEFORE I GET SICK?
MMPH.
HOW MUCH MONEY
WE TALKIN' ABOUT?
WELL, FOR FOUR NATIONAL SPOTS,
DEPENDING ON HOW OFTEN
IT AIRS, IT COULD BE...
I DON'T KNOW...
SOMEWHERE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
OF $250,000.
$250,000?
YOU SERIOUS?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
TEN.
DID YOU SAY $250,000?
COULD BE.
HOW COME YOU'RE NOT IN SCHOOL?
UH, TODAY'S A SCHOOL DAY?
DO YOUR PARENTS
KNOW YOU'RE HERE?
NO, MY PARENTS ARE DEAD.
WHAT COMMERCIAL'S
GONNA WANT ME?
IT'S FOR SUNBURST COOKIES.
[Clears Throat]
WHO DO YOU LIVE WITH?
I LIVE WITH MY SISTER,
JANIS, AND HER BOYFRIEND.
WHAT DO THEY THINK ABOU YOU NOT BEIN' IN SCHOOL?
THEY DON'T THINK MUCH
OF ANYTHING. SHE'S A SCORPIO
AND HE'S AN IDIOT.
WHAT DO YOU GET OUTTA THIS?
STANDARD AGENCY COMMISSION.
WHAT'S THAT?
TEN PERCENT ON
WHATEVER YOU MAKE.
WHAT SHOULD I PAY YOU 10% FOR?
WELL, YOU NEED MY EXPERTISE
AND COACHING.
YOU NEED MY GUIDANCE
ON WHAT TO WEAR.
YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU
WHERE THE AUDITION IS.
FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T NEED YOU
TO TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE PERCENT.
THANKS VERY MUCH,
BUT IT'S TEN PERCENT.
SIX PERCENT.
TEN PERCENT.
END OF CONVERSATION.
SEVEN PERCENT.
TEN PERCENT.
IT'S THE LAW, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S IN EVERY STANDARD
AGENCY AGREEMENT.
THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE.
SEVEN AND A HALF.
TEN PERCENT, AND THAT'S IT!
HERE YOU GO.
[Together]
SEPARATE CHECKS.
[Ed]
DEAR MR. OKUN,
IN REFERENCE TO THE RESIDUALS
FOR THE KRAMER TOYS AD...
MR. CHAPMAN,
YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST.
OKAY.
[Michael]
HELLO, ANYBODY HOME?
GUYS... AH, NICE OF
YOU TO STOP BACK IN.
DON'T WORRY,
WE CLOSE IN A FEW HOURS.
WHO'S THIS?
ED, GEENA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEE ANGIE VEGA, OUR NEWEST CLIENT.
WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO THE SUNBURS COOKIE AUDITION. SO, GEENA, WE
GOTTA MAKE UP A RESUM FOR HER.
AND CAN YOU DO
SOMETHING WITH HER HAIR?
EXCUSE US A MOMENT, MISS VEGA.
HEY, ED... ALL RIGHT,
WHERE DID YOU FIND HER?
I MET HER IN A RESTAURANT.
ED, THIS KID IS UNBELIEVABLE.
SHE'S DYIN' TO ACT,
AND MY GUT INSTINCTS TELL ME
SHE'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
WHY ISN'T SHE IN SCHOOL?
I'M OFF FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, CHRISTMAS
IS THREE WEEKS AWAY, HONEY.
I'M VERY RELIGIOUS.
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
UH-UH.
[Angie]
SUNBOIST COOKIES
LIGHT UP MY DAY.
SUNBOIST?
SUNBOIST?
YOU WANNA DE-NEW YORK
YOUR ACCENT A LITTLE BIT?
YOU GOT A SLIGHT YOGI
BERRA THING HAPPENIN'.
LOOK, MAN, I'M FROM
BROOKLYN. YOU'RE LUCKY
[Michael]
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO UP HERE.
[Woman]
I'M SORRY, BUT IF YOU'RE NO ON THE LIST, THERE'S
NOTHING I CAN DO.
I KNOW, BUT IF I
COULD JUST SEE
THE CASTING DIRECTOR...
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT!
COULD YOU JUST SIT DOWN AND
FILL THIS OUT, ALL RIGHT?
EVERYTHING'S
UNDER CONTROL. GO.
HELLO,
I'M COURTNEY ASPINALL.
HI. THIS IS MY MOTHER,
ELLEN ASPINALL,
AND MY AGENT, BRIAN SPIRO,
FROM UNITED TALENT.
WHAT AGENCY ARE YOU WITH?
UH, CHAPMAN AND CHAPMAN.
[Chuckling]
THEY FIND YOU AT ONE OF
THOSE OPEN AUDITIONS?
NO.
WHERE DID THEY FIND YOU?
EIGHTH AND 47th, OKAY?
EH, COURTNEY,
SWEETHEART,
PRACTICE YOUR LINES.
I HATE I WHEN IT'S RAINING.
WE DON'T GET TO GO OUTSIDE
FOR RECESS OR RIDE OUR BIKES
AFTER SCHOOL.
[Laughing]
THAT'S FUNNY, BUT YOU'RE NO GONNA DO IT LIKE THAT, ARE YA?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THEY'RE JUST COOKIES.
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
A COMMERCIAL FOR HEMORRHOIDS.
YOU ARE A VERY RUDE
YOUNG LADY.
[Sobbing]
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO BE HELPFUL.
COURTNEY ASPINALL,
WE'RE READY FOR YOU NOW.
[Whimpering]
I SEE.
ALLISON,
SWEETHEART, UH...
CAN WE HAVE A FEW MINUTES?
COURTNEY SEEMS TO HAVE
SOMETHING IN HER EYE.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, THEN I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
MYSELF. I'M MICHAEL CHAPMAN...
FROM THE CHAPMAN AND CHAPMAN
AGENCY, ALTHOUGH YOU MAY
REMEMBER ME AS...
LITTLE MIKEY.
YOU'RE LITTLE MIKEY!
YOU REMEMBER.
OH, REMEMBER?
I GREW UP ON THAT SHOW!
THAT'S FUNNY, SO DID I.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU.
[Both Laughing]
I USED TO WATCH YOU
ALL THE TIME.
YOU WERE SO CUTE!
I'M STILL SO CUTE!
[Allison Laughing]
ANYWAY, I'M NOW REPRESENTING
THIS YOUNG LADY OVER HERE...
AND IT WOULD BE SUCH A... WELL,
GOSH, A BIG BREAK FOR US...
IF YOU'D JUST LET HER
READ TODAY, ALLISON.
UH, LISTEN,
I DON'T KNOW.
THESE ARE THE CALLBACKS.
I HAVE THE HEAD OF THE COMPANY
IN THERE.
HE'S A TOTALLY
HANDS-ON TYPE.
MM, EH, HAS SHE
DONE ANYTHING BEFORE?
HERE'S HER RESUM.
[Girl]
MOM, I'M DONE!
[Woman]
HOW'D YOU DO, HONEY?
THIS ISN'T VERY MUCH.
YA KNOW, I HADN'T DONE A THING
WHEN I WALKED INTO THOSE
LIFE WITH MIKEY AUDITIONS.
AND, UH, WELL,
HEY, WE ALL KNOW
HOW THAT TURNED OUT.
AHHH, OKAY.
OKAY, GREAT.
ANGIE VEGA,
THIS IS MR. CORCORAN,
THE PRESIDENT AND FOUNDER
OF SUNBURST COOKIES.
IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU,
ANGIE. YOU LOOK VERY PRETTY.
OH, YOU MUSTN'T BE FRIGHTENED.
I'M JUST A LITTLE BI OF A SPORTSMAN.
YOU'RE NOT A SPORTSMAN.
YOU'RE A MURDERER!
WELL, SHALL WE GET STARTED?
ANGIE, I'LL READ WITH YOU.
NO, NO, I, UH,
I'M NOT A MURDERER.
EVERY ONE OF THESE ANIMALS
WAS HUNTED LEGALLY
AND IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE LAW.
OH, I'M SURE THAT'S A
BIG RELIEF TO THE BEAR.
ALL HER BABY CUBS ARE PROBABLY
JUST SITTING IN THEIR DEN,
SAYING, "MOM'S STUFFED ON
A STAND IN MANHATTAN.
BUT THAT'S THE LAW.
LET'S JUST HIBERNATE
AND FORGET ABOUT IT."
[Laughing]
FINALLY!
YOU FOUND A LITTLE GIRL
WITH SOME SPIRIT!
SO, MICHAEL,
WHO'S THE NEW GIRL?
WHY, YOU WANNA STEAL HER TOO?
I'LL JUST LEAVE NOW.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU'VE REACHED
A NEW LEVEL OF MATURITY.
OH, BITE ME.
MY POINT EXACTLY.
YA KNOW WHAT?
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS 'CAUSE
I GOT A KID WITH SOME TALEN AND YOU CAN'T GET HER.
HEY, HOW'D IT GO? DID
THEY LAUGH, THEY CRY?
NOBODY CRIED.
YOU KNOW, CHAPMAN, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S DIFFICULT NOT TO BE JEALOUS
WITH SOMEONE WHO PEAKS AT 15,
DOES A COUPLE OF LOVE BOATS
AND A HOLLYWOOD SQUARES...
AND WINDS UP WORKING FOR DADDY
BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET A JOB
ANYWHERE ELSE.
I ALSO DID A CHARLIE'S ANGELS,
AND YOU KNOW THAT.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
HOLD THE ELEVATOR.
HEY, HEY, HEY!
ANGIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU. CAN I
SPEAK TO YOU FOR JUST A MINUTE?
YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
WE HAVE TO FINISH
THE AUDITIONS
JUST AS A COURTESY.
WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING
FOR THIS GIRL FOR MONTHS.
BUT MR. CORCORAN
ABSOLUTELY LOVED ANGIE.
SHE GOT THE JOB!
SHE GOT THE JOB!
YES!
OKAY!
N-NO, SHH!
I'M QUIET, QUIET.
THANK YOU.
NO, NO, NO,
THANK YOU.
HERE'S THE PAPERWORK.
WE NEED TO SEE ANGIE FOR A
COSTUME FITTING THIS FRIDAY.
FRIDAY.
YOU GOT IT.
[Dog Barking]
YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
[Hard Rock]
[Indistinct Chattering]
UH, IS THIS THE VEGA RESIDENCE?
I'M LOOKING
FOR ANGIE VEGA.
LENNY, WHO IS IT?
MY NAME IS MICHAEL CHAPMAN,
I'M A FRIEND...
HEY!
ANGIE!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
YOU GOT IT. YOU ARE
THE SUNBURST COOKIE GIRL.
OUT OF HUNDREDS OF KIDS,
THEY PICKED YOU.
WHEN DO I GET THE MONEY?
YOU WANNA TRY TO HOLD DOWN
THE EXCITEMENT A LITTLE BIT?
WHEN DO WE GET THE MONEY?
AFTER WE SHOO THE FIRST COMMERCIAL!
LISTEN, I GOTTA GET YOUR SISTER
TO SIGN THESE DOCUMENTS.
I'LL GET 'EM SIGNED.
ANGIE?
I REALLY WOULDN'T MIND TALKIN'
TO HER, IF THAT'S OKAY...
NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
UH, ANGIE?
LISTEN, HERE'S MY HOME NUMBER.
GIVE ME A CALL
WHEN SHE SIGNS 'EM.
CONGRATULATIONS!
[Woman]
AND YOU'RE FROM MOSCOW.
THAT'S OUR HOMETOWN.
YOU ONLY HAD A MOUSTACHE
IN THOSE DAYS.
OH, YOU LOOK
SO MUCH OLDER...
REMEMBER,
IT'S RUSSIA.
COLD.
BRR.
OKAY. SO MUCH OLDER,
ALEXANDER VERSHININ-NIN.
AND YOU-YOU LOOK SO GREA IN THIS SWEATER,
DEBBIE, I SWEAR.
MICHAEL, PLEASE, STOP.
I HAVE THIS AUDITION TOMORROW.
ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?
DA, DA, DA, OKAY.
WHERE WERE WE?
UH, THAT'S ME.
THE LOVELORN MAJOR.
I WANTED-TELL ME
WHAT THAT FABRIC IS.
WHAT IS IT?
[Moaning]
[Knocking]
[Growling]
AHH, ALL RIGHT,
JUST STAY IN CHARACTER,
ALL RIGHT?
IT'S COLD. BRR!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
HERE'S ALL THE STUFF
YOU NEEDED SIGNED.
NOW?
OH, AND I ALSO THOUGH I SHOULD BRING THIS BACK.
WHOSE IS THIS?
MR. COOKIEMAN'S.
CORCORAN'S.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
I ADMIT, IT WASN' SUCH A GREAT IDEA, BUT,
YOU KNOW, YOU GET IN A HABIT.
OH, HUH, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD COMPANY.
YEAH.
HELLO, I'M DEBBIE.
HI, I'M ANGIE.
THIS PLACE IS DISGUSTING.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
AH, SHE WAS JUST DELIVERIN'
THIS STUFF. ANGIE'S A CLIENT.
OH, REALLY? ME TOO.
I THOUGHT HE JUS REPRESENTED KIDS.
[Whispering]
NO!
IS THAT TRUE?
KIDS OF ALL AGES
IS WHAT SHE MEANT.
HUH! WELL, NO WONDER
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A JOB!
YOU'RE A KID'S AGENT!
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,
YOU NEVER GOT A JOB?
I GOT YOU THAT JOB
IN THE TROJAN WOMEN.
OH, BIG DEAL!
ONE LOUSY PRODUCTION
IN A THEATER IN PASSAIC?
AND I HAD TO MAKE
THE COSTUMES TOO!
DEBBIE, DEBBIE, DEBBIE.
ANY CHANCE OF GETTING TIME OFF
FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?
NO.
DEBBIE! D-DEBBIE, D-DON'T GO.
NICE MEETING YOU, ANGIE.
DEBBIE...
[Sighs]
UH, DID I COME
AT A BAD TIME?
NO, NO. THAT WAS PERFECT.
THINK I'D GOTTEN
JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING
I COULD OUT OF THE EVENING.
SO I WAS THINKING,
I CAN'T CONCENTRATE
ON THE COMMERCIALS AT HOME...
WITH LENNY
AND ALL HIS STUPID FRIENDS.
SO I THOUGHT I'D STAY HERE
UNTIL WE'RE DONE.
[Chuckles]
THAT'S THREE WEEKS AWAY.
SO WHAT?
SO I DON'T THINK YOUR SISTER'S
GONNA BE TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.
LISTEN, I TAKE BETTER CARE
OF HER THAN SHE DOES OF ME.
SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
SHE KNOWS I'M HERE. IT'S COOL.
IT'S NOT COOL.
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
I DON'T WANNA BE RUDE...
AND I'M REAL SORRY
ABOUT YOUR DOMESTIC PROBLEMS.
BUT THIS IS
MY LUCKY PAC-MAN PILLOW,
THIS IS MY HOUSE,
THIS IS YOUR BAG
AND THAT'S THE DOOR.
I LIKE MY PRIVACY.
MORE THAN YOUR COMMISSION?
WHAT, ARE YOU THREATENING ME?
I DON'T RESPOND WELL TO THREATS.
I WILL NOT BE THREATENED.
[Grunting]
[Angie]
YOU ARE SUCH A PIG!
YUCK!
[Knocking]
YEAH.
DO YOU KNOW THIS GIRL?
IS SHE STAYING WITH YOU?
THAT DEPENDS.
WHAT DID SHE DO?
HUH! I FOUND HER
IN THE HALL THIS MORNING,
THROWING OUT YOUR GARBAGE.
I'M SORRY, MRS. CANTRELL.
THAT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
I HOPE IT HAPPENS
EVERY DAY.
USUALLY, THE GARBAGE
JUST SITS THERE,
SMELLING UP THE WHOLE PLACE.
NOT TO MENTION
THE CIGARETTE BUTTS.
DEAR?
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME
TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL?
YEAH, RIGHT. IN MY NEXT LIFE.
LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
YEAH. THANK YOU,
MRS. CANTRELL.
[Mrs. Cantrell]
UUH!
GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT!
I'M ABOUT TO HAVE BREAKFAST.
UHH. UHH! OOH!
[Ed]
WHAT?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
YOU LET HER STAY
IN YOUR APARTMENT?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.
I REALLY DON'T.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY.
WE FINALLY GET THE BIGGEST JOB
WE'VE HAD IN YEARS...
AND YOU'RE UPSET 'CAUSE
THERE'S A FEW LITTLE PROBLEMS.
A FEW LITTLE PROBLEMS?
YOU SAID SHE DOESN'T GO
TO SCHOOL.
SHE STEALS, SHE RAN AWAY
FROM HOME. WE'RE NOW
REPRESENTING THE OMEN.
DID YOU CHECK HER HEAD
FOR THE LITTLE 666?
YEAH, THERE WAS ONLY TWO SIXES.
WE GOT HER JUST IN TIME!
MISS BRIGANTI,
ANNOUNCE ME, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY.
THE CEREAL KING IS HERE.
HI, BARRY.
BARRY!
WHAT AN UNEXPECTED PLEASURE.
[Chuckling]
I WANNA GO SKATING.
SKATING?
WHO DOESN'T?
[Chuckles]
AH, I'D LOVE TO TAKE YOU
SKATING, BARRY, BUT WE'RE
STILL SORT OF WORKING HERE.
OH, IS THAT RIGHT?
I BET BRIAN SPIRO FROM
UNITED TALENT WOULD BE WILLING
TO TAKE ME SKATING.
I BET THAT-VA-VA-VAVOOM!
WELL, HELLO, DOLLY!
WHO'S THE TROLL?
BARRY CORMAN, I'D LIKE YOU
TO MEET OUR NEWEST CLIENT,
ANGIE VEGA.
ENCHANTE, MADEMOISELLE.
YUCK!
[Geena Giggling]
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO
ACCOMPANY ME TO WOLLMAN RINK,
MY BROWN-EYED GIRL?
GET LOST!
HEY, COME ON!
GET ON THE ICE!
I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE
TO TIE THESE THINGS.
MOM ALWAYS HAD TO DO IT.
[Michael]
YA KNOW, I WAS THINKIN',
IT'S REAL CRAMPED
AT MY APARTMEN WITH ANGIE THERE...
AND, UH, YOU GOT THA BIG HOUSE AND EVERYTHING...
OH, FORGET IT!
LOOK, IT'S NO PLACE
FOR A KID, ED.
I GOT VARIOUS FRIENDS
COMIN' OVER AT ALL HOURS...
AND I STAY UP LATE
AND I PLAY MY MUSIC LOUD...
OH, PLEASE.
STOP MAKING IT SOUND
LIKE THE COPACABANA.
IT'S A ONE-BEDROOM PIGSTY
YOU SHARE WITH VARIOUS
BIMBOS AND A 32-INCH TV.
WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT A LO OF MONEY HERE, AND IT'S NO JUST GONNA BE THESE COMMERCIALS.
THIS KID IS VERY SPECIAL.
LOOK, MICHAEL,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR HER.
MAKE SURE SHE GOES TO
SCHOOL, STOPS STEALING.
AND DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT KNIFE.
[Growling]
ALL RIGHT, TV OFF.
YOU GOT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I'M NO GOIN' TO SCHOOL.
YEAH, YA ARE.
I AM NOT!
YOU ARE!
I ALREADY KNOW
EVERYTHING I HAVE TO KNOW.
YA KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, YOU'RE SMART.
YOU ARE SO SMART.
YOU'RE JUST NO THAT SMART.
I'M SMART ENOUGH.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL
OF NEW YORK?
ALBANY.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL
OF NEW JERSEY?
NEWARK.
TRENTON. WHO WAS
THE 16th PRESIDENT?
CARTER.
LINCOLN.
WHAT'S THE LONGEST RIVER
IN THE WORLD?
THE HUDSON.
THE NILE.
WHO'S THE OLDES BEATLE?
THE OLDEST WHO?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
THIS STUFF ANYWAY?
CNN. HOW COME YOU
DON'T KNOW IT?
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO
TO SCHOOL, HUH?
I WENT TO SCHOOL.
COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
A VERY GOOD ONE.
YOU WANNA KNOW
ABOUT MY SCHOOL?
MY SCHOOL WAS A TRAILER OUTSIDE
THE LIFE WITH MIKEY SET.
THERE WAS ME,
THE GIRL WHO PLAYED
MY SISTER ON THE SHOW... WHO,
INCIDENTALLY,
IS UP FOR PAROLE
IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS...
AND THIS, UH,
73-YEAR-OLD MENNONITE WOMAN
WITH HALITOSIS
AND A HEARING AID...
NAMED MISS MITCHELL.
YEAH, AND?
AND I NEVER GOT TO KNOW
ANY OTHER KIDS.
CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT MY PROM WAS LIKE?
I DON'T CARE.
I'M NOT GOIN' TO SCHOOL.
AND PUT THAT OUT.
DON'T YOU EVER READ
WHAT SECONDARY SMOKE
DOES TO KIDS?
LUCKY FOR ME,
I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M NOT YOUR KID. SO I DON' HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU.
YEAH, YOU DO.
AND YOU'RE GOIN'.
IF I GO TO SCHOOL,
YOU'RE OUT $18,750.
COME AGAIN?
SEVEN AND A HALF PERCEN OF $250,000.
FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S TEN PERCENT.
AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE OUT-
UH-TWO...
$225,000.
YA KNOW,
I'M TIRED OF THIS.
TIRED OF YOU MOVIN'
STUFF AROUND IN MY BATHROOM.
AND I'M TIRED OF YOU
TELLIN' ME I CAN'T SMOKE.
AND I'M TIRED OF YOU
EATIN' MUFFINS ALL THE TIME
AND NOT GIVIN' ME ANY.
TIRED OF YOU
TAKIN' OVER MY BEDROOM
AND USIN' MY PHONE ALL THE TIME;
THROWIN' OUT FOOD JUS BECAUSE THE EXPIRATION
DATE, IT'S NOT WORTH IT.
TOMORROW YOU'RE GOIN' BACK
TO YOUR SISTER'S.
WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?
WHEREVER YOU'RE NOT!
I WON'T BE HERE
WHEN YOU GET BACK!
GREAT!
YOU WANNA TURN OUT THE LIGHTS
WHEN YOU LEAVE?
I HATE YOU!
[Faintly]
NO, YOU DON'T!
YES, I DO!
THIS REALLY SUCKS.
YOU SEE, BY THE END OF THE DAY,
YOU'RE GONNA BE USING MUCH MORE
SOPHISTICATED TERMINOLOGY.
LIKE, UH,
THIS REALLY SUCKETH.
I BETTER
GET THIS OVER WITH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HERE, HERE.
DON'T FORGET THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU MADE ME LUNCH.
YEAH.
WITH WHAT? ALL YOU HAVE
IN YOUR FRIDGE IS KETCHUP.
IT'S MU SHU PORK.
I'VE TAKEN OUT THE PORK.
DON'T LOSE THIS LUNCH BOX.
THAT'S A COLLECTOR'S ITEM.
REALLY? HOW MUCH
CAN I GET FOR IT?
GO TO SCHOOL.
MEN!
BE NICE TO THE OTHER KIDS.
DON'T MUG ANYBODY.
BYE.
ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH
ZIP-A-DEE-AY MY, OH, MY
WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY
MR. BLUEBIRD ON MY SHOULDER
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH-DAY
HIP-HIP HOORAY
A-OKAY TODAY'S MY DAY,
FRIEND
AND I STILL WANNA PLAY
SUNSHINE ON MY MIND
REWIND TO TIME JUS LIKE ALBERT EINSTEIN
SAY, WHERE'S THE BIRD
THERE'S THE BIRD
THE BLUEBIRD,
THAT'S THE TRUTH
OOH, IT MAKES YOU SAY "WORD"
IT'S THE ACTUAL
SATISFACTUAL MANUFACTURE
BETTER BELIEVE
OOH-DE-SHOZ, IRRESISTIBLE
DIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH
ZIP-A-DEE-AY
MY, OH, MY
WHAT A...
EXCUSE ME, GEORGE.
MISTERS CHAPMAN,
I THINK YOU OUGHTA COME OU AND LOOK AT THIS.
NOW? WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
OH, MY GOD!
WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT IN A FIGHT.
BUT IT'S OKAY, I WON.
SHOULD SEE THE OTHER GUY.
THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T HAVE
A COMMERCIAL TO SHOOT TOMORROW.
NEITHER DOES SHE WITH THAT FACE.
YA KNOW WHAT'S GOOD?
A PIECE OF STEAK.
YOU PUT IT ON THE EYE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD STEAK.
I DON'T WAN ANY MEAT ON MY FACE.
QUICK! SOMEBODY GET SOME TOFU.
[Laughing]
[Alarm Ringing]
[Sighs]
HOW'S IT LOOK?
LIKE THE OPENING SCENE
FROM ROCKY.
WHY ME?
I'M A GOOD PERSON.
I BELIEVE IN GOD.
DON'T WORRY. THEY DON'T CALL I COVER GIRL FOR NOTHIN'.
HERE WE ARE. HOW DO YA FEEL?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU'LL DO FINE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
NO ONE'S GONNA NOTICE.
YOU LOOK GOOD.
GOOD MORNING, ANGIE.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
GOOD, MR. C.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. CORCORAN.
WAIT, WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?
WHY IS SHE WEARING
ALL THAT MAKEUP?
YOUR EYE'S ALL PUFFY.
NOW, THAT'S NOT GONNA SHOW UP
ON SCREEN, IS IT?
WE CAN'T HAVE THAT.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM...
WHAT HAPPENED WAS-WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I WAS IN THE CAFETERIA YESTERDAY
AND I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE
ABOUT THE COMMERCIAL.
AND THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL,
SHEILA BERSTEN.
SHE SAID SUGAR GEMS ARE BETTER
THAN SUNBURST COOKIES.
SUGAR GEMS!
THEY'RE MADE WITH LARD
AND PRESERVATIVES!
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
I SAID, "SUNBURST COOKIES
ARE ALL NATURAL.
NO PRESERVATIVES.
JUST NATURE'S OWN RECIPE."
AND THEN SHE PUNCHED ME.
NOW, NOW, NOW, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
SHE WAS PROBABLY
JUST A LITTLE JEALOUS.
IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST.
THERE WERE COOKIES EVERYWHERE.
NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.
YOU'RE MY GIRL.
SOMEBODY COVER UP
THAT EYE.
COME ALONG TO MAKEUP.
[Sighing]
WHAT A WEEK!
FIRST I LOSE MY WALLET.
NOW THIS.
[Man]
ACTION!
I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
THERE'S-THERE'S...
CUT! CUT!
NO PROBLEM.
KEEP IT GOING.
MAKE THE HEAVENS WEEP.
RIGHT AWAY, PLEASE.
MARK IT.
SUNBURST COOKIES,
TAKE TWO.
AND ACTION!
I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
WE DON'T GET TO GO OUTSIDE
FOR RECESS...
OR RIDE OUR
BIKES AFTER SCHOOL.
CUT!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HOLD
THE COOKIES UP.
AND YOU'VE GOT TO BE MORE
EXCITED! EXCITED!
SUNBURST COOKIES,
TAKE 21.
ACTION.
SUNBOIST COOKIES...
CUT! SUNBOIST?
SUNBURST COOKIES,
TAKE 49.
AND ACTION.
SUNBURST COOKIES...
AAH!
CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!
MR. CORCORAN, COULD I
SEE YOU FOR A MOMENT?
[Man]
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE,
HOLD YOUR POSITIONS.
GO TALK TO HER.
EXCUSE ME.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
YES, YOU CAN.
JUST RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
IT WOULD BE EASIER
IF YOU'D JUST LET ME TALK
LIKE A REAL PERSON.
I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
IT'S MY FAVORITE LITTLE
SUNNY FRIENDS."
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE A COOKIE
FOR MANIC DEPRESSIVES.
HUH! OKAY, IT'S STUPID.
YOU'RE RIGHT,
IT'S A STUPID LINE.
BUT IT'S NO MORE
STUPID THAN,
I HOPE LITTLE JIMMY GETS
A BATMAN DOLL FOR CHRISTMAS...
BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS IT,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."
I MEAN, THAT'S PRETTY STUPID.
BUT THAT'S WHAT SHOW BUSINESS
IS ALL ABOUT:
ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT.
IT'S NOT YOU,
YOU'RE JUST DOIN' YOUR JOB.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LOOK AT IT THIS WAY:
MOST PEOPLE FEEL LIKE IDIOTS
MOST OF THE TIME...
BUT THEY DON' GET PAID FOR IT.
RELAX, YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
I KNOW WHAT AN IDIOT YOU CAN BE.
COME ON.
[Laughing]
ALL RIGHT,
FRIENDS AND RELATIVES,
TAKE A HIKE, PLEASE.
CLEAR MY SET, COME ON.
GET READY, MARK IT.
IS SHE OKAY?
SHE'S OKAY.
AND ACTION.
I HATE IT WHEN IT'S RAINING.
WE DON'T GET TO GO OUTSIDE
FOR RECESS...
OR RIDE OUR
BIKES AFTER SCHOOL.
WHERE'S THAT COMING FROM?
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
CUT!
LET'S TRY IT WITH A CLOSED BAG,
FOR GOD'S SAKE!
MAKEUP, I CAN STILL
SEE THE EYE. ANGIE,
BETTER.
SUNBURST COOKIES,
TAKE 72.
AND ACTION.
MY FAVORITE LITTLE
SUNNY FRIENDS.
[Announcer]
SUNBURST COOKIES ARE MADE
WITH HEARTWARMING HONEY.
AND... OH, YES!
A SPECIAL SPLASH OF SUNBURST FOR
THAT FABULOUSLY FRESH FLAVOR.
[Man]
SUNBURST COOKIES,
TAKE 81.
SUNBURST COOKIES
LIGHT UP MY D... MY...
SUNBURST COOKIES
LIGHT UP MY...
SUNBURST COOKIES
LIGHT UP MY DAY!
CUT!
PERFECT. WE'RE WRAPPED.
[Cheering]
HOW ABOUT OUR LITTLE GIRL, HUH?
OH-HO-HO!
LISTEN, IF THESE SPOTS LOOK
AS GOOD AS I THINK THEY WILL,
YOU BOYS AND I ARE GONNA
HAVE TO SIT DOWN AND DISCUSS...
MAKING ANGIE OUR NATIONAL
SUNBURST COOKIE GIRL.
OH-HO-HO!
THIS IS GREAT!
OH! OH!
THANK YOU,
MR. CORCORAN.
HEY,
YOU WERE GREAT!
AHH, I AM REALLY BEAT.
YA KNOW, YOU ALWAYS
JUST WATCH COMMERCIALS...
AND YOU NEVER, EVER THINK
HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE THEM.
YOU WERE GREAT.
I WAS PROUD OF YA.
IN FACT, WHEN I WAS
WATCHIN' YA,
YOU KINDA REMINDED ME...
OF THIS TIME
I WAS DOIN' THE SHOW
AND THIS, UM-
[Dance Rock]
HEY, LOUIE CAN YOU SEE
I COULDN'T LEAVE YOU
IF I TRIED HEY,
LOUIE LISTEN TO ME
WE'VE GOT A THING
SO DIGNIFIED
IT DON'T MATTER
IF WE LIVED IN A SHACK
OR IN A SHINY CADILLAC
IT DON'T MATTER
RICH OR POOR
WHEN LOVE IS KNOCKIN'
AT YOUR DOOR
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
WITH YOU
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
WITH YOU
DON'T YOU KNOW
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
WITH YOU EVERY DAY
IT FEELS LIKE CHRISTMAS
JUST LIKE CHRISTMAS
HELLO, I'M MRS. GORDON.
ARE YOU MR. CHAPMAN?
YEAH, I AM.
AND I JUST WANNA
TELL YOU RIGHT NOW...
THAT WE'RE CLAIMIN'
SELF DEFENSE ON THIS ONE.
ANGELA, I'M NOT AMUSED.
[Whispering]
ANGELA!
I WANT YOU AND EVAN
TO WAIT OUTSIDE
FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE.
AND NO HITTING.
I DIDN'T HIT HIM
THAT HARD!
SHE BROKE MY RETAINER.
YOU GOTTA JAB, BUDDY.
SHE'LL GET THA OVERHAND RIGHT IN.
THEY'RE SO CUTE AT THIS AGE,
AREN'T THEY?
WOULD YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS TO ANGELA?
UH, YEAH, SURE.
ANGIE... ANGELA, UH, IS DOING
A SERIES OF COMMERCIALS
FOR SUNBURST COOKIES...
AND, UH, I'M HER AGENT.
ALTHOUGH, RIGHT NOW,
I'M THINKIN' ABOUT BEIN'
HER BOXING PROMOTER.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY, MR. CHAPMAN.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
[Sighs]
WE HAVE A VERY SERIOUS
PROBLEM HERE.
NOW, ANGELA
IS AN EXTREMELY BRIGHT GIRL,
BUT SHE'S ALSO VERY LONELY.
SHE EATS LUNCH BY HERSELF
EVERY DAY. SHE BARELY TALKS
TO THE OTHER CHILDREN.
NO KIDDING. I HAD NO IDEA.
THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE'S NOT VERY GOOD
AT EXPRESSING HER FEELINGS.
SHE EITHER RUNS AWAY
OR HITS.
SO, INSTEAD OF WRITING
A LOVE LETTER...
OR DRAWING LITTLE HEARTS
ON HER NOTEBOOKS
LIKE THE OTHER GIRLS,
SHE'S GOING TO GIVE EVAN
A CONCUSSION.
I... YOU MEAN, SHE, UH... HAS
A CRUSH ON HIM.
[Chuckles]
AND I KNOW IT'S VERY SWEET,
BUT... SHE'S FRIGHTENED AND
INSECURE AND NOT SURE
OF HOW TO BE WITH
OTHER CHILDREN.
SHE'S BECOME...
REALLY WITHDRAWN...
AND DIFFICULT SINCE HER
MOTHER PASSED AWAY.
LISTEN, UM, ARE YOU
SURE YOU WANNA BE
TALKIN' TO ME ABOUT THIS?
'CAUSE THIS... REALLY
ISN'T MY AREA.
FINE. YOU'RE THE ONE
SHE TOLD ME TO CALL.
BUT TELL ME, MR. CHAPMAN,
WHO SHOULD I BE TALKING TO?
WHERE IS MIKEY?
IT'S 8:30.
I'M REALLY BEGINNING
TO GET WORRIED.
I HOPE HE'S NOT IN
ANY KIND OF TROUBLE.
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
YELLED AT HIM.
NOW, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT,
HELEN.
THE BOY LET THE
DOG OUT OF THE YARD.
[Audience Laughing]
[Crying]
I MISS HIM.
WE ALL MISS MIKEY, HONEY.
I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE DOG!
[Audience Laughing]
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE POLICE.
[Man]
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT?
[Mikey]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.
HOW COME
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT MY FAMILY, OKAY?
IT'S MY BUSINESS.
[Angie]
SINCE WHEN DOES ED
WANT TO SEE ME ON A WEEKEND?
I DON'T KNOW. HE JUS SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT.
WHAT TIME YOU GOT?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GE A WATCH?
I HAVEN'T GOT TIME
TO GET A WATCH.
GET IT?
GET IT?
[Angie]
YO, BAMBI.
HEY, ANGIE.
HEY, MICHAEL.
WHAT'S SHAKIN'?
SURPRISE!
[Cheering]
SURPRISE!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.
I KNOW THAT.
I KNOW THAT.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED
A PARTY, AND BESIDES THAT...
I THOUGHT IT WAS A PERFEC OPPORTUNITY TO MEET MR. RIGHT.
OH, MY GOD!
DEAR ANGIE
ANGIE.
[Solo]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
SAVE IT, JUDY, SAVE IT.
ALL RIGHT.
[Sighing]
I SEE WHAT YOU LIKE
ABOUT THE GUY.
REALLY. HE'S CUTE.
HE'S POLITE.
WE KNOW HE CAN
TAKE A PUNCH, RIGHT?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.
AH, WILL YOU JUST GO IN
AND TALK TO HIM?
COME ON, JUST... ASK HIM
WHAT HIS HOBBIES ARE.
TALK TO HIM ABOUT CLASS.
TELL HIM HIS TEETH ARE
REALLY STRAIGHTENING OUT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I TRY TO TALK TO HIM, CHAPMAN.
BUT HE WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME.
I'M UGLY, THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
[Sighing]
YOU ARE NOT UGLY.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
YOU'RE NOT UGLY.
CAN YOU SAY THAT?
CAN YOU SAY,
I'M NOT UGLY?
SAY, "I'M NOT UGLY.
I'M NOT UGLY.
I'M NOT UGLY!"
I'M NOT UGLY.
WELL, YOU... THAT...
NOW THAT WAS UGLY.
SAY, "I'M NOT UGLY."
I'M NOT UGLY!
I'M NOT UGLY.
RIGHT. RIGHT.
[Door Opening]
HEY, BIRTHDAY GIRL!
LET ME BE THE FIRST TO SAY
YOU DON'T LOOK A DAY OVER TEN.
THIS IS JUST A SMALL TOKEN
OF MY AFFECTION.
AND THERE IS MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
NOW THAT IS UGLY.
ED?
HI.
HI!
ED, WE'VE BEEN MEANING
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JUDY.
SHE'S BEEN WITH YOU
FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
YEAH.
THAT'S A LOT OF
WASTED TALENT.
[Chuckles]
YOU KNOW, WE'D
REALLY LOVE TO
SEE HER ON A SERIES.
OH, SO WOULD I. UM,
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
SOMEONE FROM NBC
JUST CALLED ABOUT JUDY
THE OTHER DAY.
DIDN'T THEY, GEENA?
NO. YES!
SO, YOU LIKE ACTING.
NOT REALLY.
IT'S KIND OF STUPID.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF COOL
THAT YOU'RE DOING IT.
ANGIE HAS TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL,
DO HER HOMEWORK AND MAKE
COMMERCIALS IN HER SPARE TIME.
DON'T LET HER GO.
DO YOU MIND?
EXCUSE ME.
SHAKE IT, GEORGE!
SHAKE IT, GEORGE!
HEY, HEY!
[Michael]
HEY, CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION?
EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!
IN HONOR OF OUR BIRTHDAY GIRL,
I'VE MADE RESERVATIONS
FOR A VERY ELEGANT AFFAIR.
KIDS ONLY.
[Cheering]
BUT! BUT...
BUT I NEED YOU ALL TO BE
ON YOUR VERY BEST BEHAVIOR.
[Crowd Cheering]
THERE YOU GO,
TAKE THAT!
KILL THE LOBOTOMIZER!
KILL HIM!
KILL HIM!
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE
THROW JUDY WASSERMAN
IN THE RING!
OH, SURE GEORGE!
ARE YOU GONNA CATCH HER
WHEN THEY THROW HER BACK?
[Wrestlers Shouting]
COME ON!
I HATE WRESTLING.
YEAH, BUT EVAN LOVES IT.
WANT ME TO
GET YOU A SODA?
OKAY.
[Judy]
SMASH HIS EAR!
OW! OH!
HAPPENING. IT'S HAPPENING!
LOAN ME YOUR HAT REAL FAST.
MY HAT?
[Heaving]
EW!
EW, GROSS!
NEVER AGAIN!
FROM NOW ON IT'S ONLY
KOSHER FRANKS FOR ME.
HERE. KEEP IT!
[Grunting, Groaning]
[Cheering]
[Together]
ONE, TWO, THREE!
YOU'RE OUTTA THERE!
[Bell Ringing]
YEAH! HERE, TAKE THAT!
WINNER...
[Grunts]
HERE, MIKE, COME HERE.
[Groaning]
[Boos]
GET OUTTA THE WAY!
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.
I WANNA SAY, I'M THE GREATEST!
I'M A KILLER!
I'M AN ANIMAL!
AND I ALSO WANNA SAY...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ANGIE VEGA
FROM ALL THE GANG
AT CHAPMAN AND CHAPMAN.
NOW GET DOWN HERE, ANGIE,
OR I'M GONNA HAVE TO
COME UP THERE AND GET YA!
WHOA! WHOA!
COME ON, COME ON.
GO. COME ON!
COME ON, GET ON DOWN HERE!
COME ON!
[Cheering, Whistling]
HEY! WHO INVITED YOU
DOWN HERE, PUNK?
HERE, COME HERE!
YOU WANNA BE IN THE RING?
WELL, NOW YOU'RE IN HERE.
[Laughing]
[Screaming]
[Angie]
STOP! PUT HIM DOWN!
NO! PUT HIM DOWN!
[Screaming Continues]
I'LL PUT HIM DOWN, LITTLE
GIRL. HERE, YOU TAKE HIM.
OH MY GOD!
WHOA, WHERE ARE YOU GOIN',
LITTLE LADY?
COME ON, EVERYBODY!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR ANGIE
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
[Applause]
WRESTLERS ARE NOT REALLY
THAT MEAN, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE HAMMY
TV ACTORS, WHICH IS WHY
THEY DIDN'T HURT ME.
IT'S LIKE A
PROFESSIONAL COURTESY.
THOSE TICKETS MUST'VE
COST YOU A LOT OF MONEY.
THEY COST $237, BUT THEY
DIDN'T COST ME ANYTHING.
IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR CUT.
I THINK JUDY WASSERMAN
WOULD MAKE A GREAT WRESTLER.
THEY COULD CALL HER
THE MERMANATOR.
[Laughing]
HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA WEAR
THAT STOLE THAT BARRY
GAVE YOU, DO YOU MIND
IF I BORROW IT?
BE MY GUEST.
YOU AND EVAN
SET A DATE YET?
SHUT UP!
YOU REALLY ARE 11, ANG.
ENJOY IT.
I KNOW IT WAS THE
HIGH POINT OF MY LIFE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT...
HEY! WHAT HAPPENED?
THE CORPORATE SECRETARY CALLED.
SHE SAID IT WAS IMPORTAN HE SEE BOTH OF US RIGHT AWAY.
YOU THINK?
HE'S MAKING ANGIE
THE OFFICIAL SPOKESGIRL.
[Cheering]
[Whistles]
OH, LOOK AT THIS!
HELLO, MR. C.
MR. CORCORAN,
GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
SIT DOWN, GENTLEMEN!
WHOOPS!
JUST GONNA...
THIS IS MY ATTORNEY,
MR. NORMAN FELLER.
HEY, NORMAN.
OH, PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU, NORMAN.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED
THAT NAME, "NORMAN."
THAT'S NICE.
MR. FELLER, WOULD YOU
TELL THESE GENTLEMEN...
WHAT YOU'VE JUST TOLD ME?
YES, SIR.
OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT DOES THE
CHECK INTO ALL THE CONTRACTUAL
ASPECTS OF THE COMMERCIALS.
WE DISCOVERED THAT THE SIGNATURE
ON ANGIE'S CONTRACT...
BELONGS TO A JANICE VEGA,
WHO IS NOT HER LEGAL GUARDIAN.
ANGIE'S ACTUAL GUARDIAN
IS HER FATHER, A RICHARD VEGA.
NO, THAT'S, THAT'S NOT,
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
YOU TOLD ME
HER FATHER WAS DEAD.
HE'S DEAD. HE'S DEAD!
ANGIE'S FATHER,
WHO IS VERY MUCH ALIVE,
IS AT A REHAB CENTER UPSTATE.
THESE COMMERCIALS COST ME
ONE-HALF MILLION DOLLARS.
AND NOW I MAY NO BE ABLE TO AIR THEM!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY, SIR.
WE HAD NO IDEA...
WHAT DO YOU DO?
PICK UP KIDS
FROM OFF THE STREETS?
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY!
IF THESE CONTRACTS...
ARE NOT ON MY DESK BY
TOMORROW MORNING, SIGNED
BY ANGIE'S FATHER,
YOU WILL PAY FOR
THESE COMMERCIALS,
AND THEN I WILL SUE YOU...
FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT,
FRAUD AND GROSS NEGLIGENCE!
NOW BELIEVE ME,
IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY,
I WILL HAVE YOUR HEADS.
NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!
OHHH!
[Groaning]
THIS IS MY FAULT.
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE
LISTENED TO YOU.
ANYONE WHO'S STUPID ENOUGH
TO LISTEN TO YOU...
DESERVES TO WIND UP
IN THIS SITUATION.
DO ME A FAVOR, ED.
DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
I'M A COMPLETE MORON.
SHE TOLD ME THAT HER
FATHER WAS DEAD!
SO WHAT?
CORCORAN'S RIGHT.
IT WAS OUR JOB TO KNOW
SHE HAS A FATHER!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHA WE'RE DOING REPRESENTING
HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE!
TWENTY MINUTES AGO...
YOU WERE THRILLED
WHEN YOU THOUGHT THE MONEY
WAS GONNA COME ROLLING IN.
NOW DON'T BE SUCH A HYPOCRITE,
ALL RIGHT, ED?
DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THE MONEY!
YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU
GO OUT AND FIND ONE CLIEN IN THE PAST TWO YEARS...
I SHOULD GET DOWN
ON MY KNEES AND THANK YOU?
I HAVE KEPT THIS AGENCY
OPEN FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS!
IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, ED,
THERE WOULDN'T BE AN AGENCY.
WELL, THAT'S OLD NEWS, MICHAEL.
THAT WAS 15 YEARS AGO!
THAT EXCUSE DOESN' HOLD UP ANYMORE.
[Elevator Bell Rings]
ALL RIGHT, FINE. FINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA GO UP TO ELMIRA.
I'M GONNA GE THE SIGNATURE MYSELF.
I'M GONNA DO I ALL BY MYSELF!
I'M GONNA NEED YOUR CAR
AND SOME MONEY FOR GAS.
[Starter Grinding]
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE BEHIND THE WHEEL?
I'M DOING THIS. WHY DON'T YOU
GO BACK TO THE OFFICE
AND CALL OUR LAWYER?
WHAT LAWYER?
ERIC THE MAGICIAN'S FATHER,
HE'S A LAWYER, RIGHT?
CALL HIM.
ERIC THE MAGICIAN...
[Tires Screeching]
OH, OH! LET ME IN.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'M OKAY.
LET ME IN,
I'LL DRIVE!
I'M OKAY,
I'M OKAY! I'M OKAY!
WHO CARES ABOUT YOU?
I STILL HAVE PAYMENTS
ON THIS CAR!
[Tires Screeching]
[Horn Honking]
[Man Shouting Indistinctly]
MICHAEL, GET OUT OF THE...
[Tires Screeching]
SO THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED THA THE BEST THING TO DO WOULD BE...
JUST TO GET IN THE CAR
AND DRIVE UP HERE.
I... I APPRECIATE WHA YOU'RE DOING FOR ANGIE.
BUT I'M HER FATHER.
WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?
WELL, ANGIE NEVER
TOLD ME ABOUT YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL... SHE SAID YOU WERE DEAD.
OH.
I MEAN, I THINK SHE MEANT I IN THE BEST SENSE OF THE WORD.
YOU KNOW, LIKE TIRED DEAD.
DEAD TIRED. POOPED.
WHEN MY WIFE DIED,
I LOST IT. OKAY?
I SNAPPED, AND THIS IS SOMETHING
VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME TO ADMIT,
BUT I WAS NOT THERE
FOR MY DAUGHTERS
THE WAY I SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
I... YOU DON'T HAVE TO
EXPLAIN TO ME. LISTEN.
MY LIFE HAS BEEN GOING
DOWNHILL FOR ABOUT 15 YEARS.
I MEAN, AT LEAST YOU
HAVE DAUGHTERS.
I HAVE NO KIDS.
I HAVE NO MONEY.
I HAVE NO... LIFE.
I'M SORRY, DID I INTERRUPT YOU?
NO, GO ON.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL BETTER.
I'M STARTING TO FEEL WORSE.
WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
COME HERE AND STAY FOR A WHILE.
[Sighing]
ACTUALLY THIS IS A PRETTY GOOD
PLACE, AND I'M FEELING GREAT.
WHEN I GET MY FAMILY BACK,
I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
[Angie Singing]
ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH
ZIP-A-DEE-AY
MY, OH, MY
WHAT A WONDERFUL DAY
PLENTY OF SUNSHINE
COMIN' MY WAY ZIP...
HEY, CHAPMAN!
HOW'RE YA DOIN'?
I HOPE YOU'RE HUNGRY
'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING SPAGHETTI.
THAT IS, IF I CAN GET I OFF THE SIDE OF THE POT.
HEY, ANG?
OH, AND ANNA CALLED.
SHE SAID YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO CALL HER BACK FRIDAY.
ANGIE?
YOU REALLY GET AROUND.
YOU A CONDOM TESTER
OR SOMETHING?
ANGIE!
I MET YOUR FATHER TODAY.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I SAID, I SAW YOUR DAD TODAY.
I WENT UP TO ELMIRA.
HOW COME YOU DIDN' TELL ME ABOUT HIM?
I HATE MY FATHER.
I LIKE HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WENT UP TO
SEE HIM WITHOUT ASKING ME FIRST.
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT!
IT WASN'T EXACTLY
A PLEASURE TRIP!
YOU KNOW CORCORAN THREATENED
TO SUE ME AND ED IF WE DIDN' GET YOUR FATHER'S SIGNATURE?
YOU COULD'VE TOLD ME FIRST!
IF YOU HAD BEEN HONEST WITH ME,
WE WOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING
THIS CONVERSATION RIGHT NOW.
YOU GOTTA STOP LYING, ANG.
DON'T GIVE ME THAT.
YOU LIE ALL THE TIME.
I DO NOT.
NO?
YOU LIED TO ED ABOUT ME
WHEN WE FIRST WEN UP TO THE OFFICE. RIGHT?
[Sighs]
AND THEN YOU MADE UP
SOME FAKE RESUM FOR ME.
AND THEN... YOU LIE
TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO LIE.
LOOK, THE POINT IS YOUR
DAD'S WORRIED ABOUT YOU...
AND HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
AND HE THINKS YOU SHOULD
GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE.
HE SAID HE WOULD MAKE
SURE LENNY MOVES OUT.
HE'S YOUR FATHER, ANG.
I THINK YOU SHOULD
DO WHAT HE SAYS.
FINE. I'LL LEAVE NOW.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU
SHOULD LEAVE NOW.
NO, I WANT TO.
WILL... WILL YOU JUS CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND?
MAYBE WE CAN SIT DOWN
AND DISCUSS THIS!
THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS.
EVERYBODY'S ALREADY
DECIDED WHAT I SHOULD DO.
I MEAN, DON'T BOTHER
ASKING ME OR ANYTHING.
WE HAVEN'T DECIDED
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.
IT'S JUST THAT...
IF YOU GET TOGETHER AND
TALK, MAYBE YOU COULD
WORK IT OUT WITH HIM.
I'M JUST TRYING
TO HELP, ANG!
YOU CAN'T HELP ME.
YOU CAN'T EVEN HELP YOURSELF.
LOOK AT YOU!
YOU'RE DISGUSTING,
YOU LIVE LIKE A PIG...
AND YOU THINK YOU'RE
REAL CHARMING AND CUTE
AND THAT EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.
BUT YOU'RE 31,
YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND YOU
WALK AROUND TELLING EVERYBODY...
ABOUT SOME STUPID
TELEVISION SHOW YOU WERE ON
THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT ANYMORE.
YOU'RE A HAS-BEEN.
DON'T BE MEAN, ANGIE.
IF YOU WANNA TALK,
WE'LL TALK,
BUT DON'T BE MEAN.
I DON'T WANNA TALK.
THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
I DID THE COMMERCIALS.
I GET MY MONEY, YOU GE YOUR MONEY AND THAT'S IT.
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
WAIT A MINUTE. ANGIE!
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
AND DON'T FOLLOW ME.
[Sighing]
WHERE DID SUMMER GO
HOW'D I MISS
THE CHANGE OF SEASON
ALL AT ONCE
THE WIND BLOWS ROUGH
IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO SNOW
[Laughing]
IN THE STREET BELOW
HEY, YOU'RE BACK!
YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
THEY'VE GOT NO REASON
DON'T THEY KNOW
IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO SNOW
ON THE RADIO THERE'S A GUY
SAYS IT'S NOT FREEZIN'
HI, ANGIE.
[Man]
THANK YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
GEENA!
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. CHAPMAN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU TOO, GEENA.
HOW ABOUT A KISS?
GEENA, LET'S MAKE OUT.
ED IN THE OFFICE?
YEAH.
HE'S IN WITH MRS. CORMAN.
AM I INTERRUPTING ANYTHING?
OH, NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.
MRS. CORMAN WAS
JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF
GIVING US THE AXE...
ON BEHALF OF BARRY.
OH!
I TRIED TO TALK TO HIM,
BUT HE WOULD NOT BUDGE.
HE'S JUST SOLD
ON THIS MR. SPIRO.
CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
EXCUSE ME IF I'M OUT OF LINE,
BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE,
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS TOGETHER,
THAT BARRY COULDN'T COME UP HERE
AND JUST TELL US THIS HIMSELF.
HE'S IN DISNEY WORLD
WITH MR. SPIRO.
IT WAS HIS CHRISTMAS PRESENT.
WELL, I WON'T KEEP YOU.
I KNOW YOU MUST HAVE
MORE PRESSING MATTERS
TO DISCUSS THAN BARRY.
YEAH, I GOTTA
CALL THE MOVERS.
WELL, GOOD-BYE, GENTLEMEN.
I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S NOT PANIC, OKAY?
WE STILL GOT MONEY COMING IN.
NO, WE DON'T.
CORCORAN'S LAWYER CALLED.
THEY'RE HOLDING US RESPONSIBLE
FOR LEGAL FEES AND THE COS OF DELAYING THE COMMERCIALS.
WE'RE LUCKY IF WE BREAK EVEN
ON THE SUNBURST SPOT.
WITHOUT BARRY,
WE'RE DEAD.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME ON.
AT THE NEXT OPEN AUDITION, SOME
TERRIFIC TYKE IS GONNA COME IN.
WE'RE GONNA BE RIGHT BACK.
MICHAEL, I'M GONNA
WORK FOR UNCLE LARRY.
NO, ED!
YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.
PLEASE... DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER
FOR ME THAN IT ALREADY IS.
I LOVE YOU,
I'LL MISS WORKING WITH YOU,
I'LL EVEN MISS THIS
GODFORSAKEN PLACE,
BUT I'VE GOT NO CHOICE.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
HUH? WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU'LL BE FINE! MAYBE THIS
WILL TURN OUT TO BE THE BES THING FOR THE BOTH OF US.
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, ED.
YOU'VE GOT A JOB,
DEGRADING THOUGH IT MAY BE.
I HAVE TO GO OU AND I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY.
GEENA, WHAT?
WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA
BEAT IT OUTTA ME, I'LL TELL YA.
ANGIE'S AT LORD AND TAYLOR'S.
SHE WAS CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING,
AND SHE NEEDS SOMEBODY
TO GET HER OUT.
MR. CHAPMAN,
YOU BE NICE TO HER.
[Horns Honking, Bell Ringing]
[Indistinct Talking]
I CAN'T TALK NOW,
WE'RE HAVING A PARTY.
I WILL CALL YOU LATER, YES.
I'M GONNA PICK EVERYTHING UP.
ALL RIGHT.
I LOVE YOU TOO. BYE.
HI. MY NAME IS MICHAEL CHAPMAN.
I'M LOOKING FOR ANGIE VEGA.
AND?
SHOPLIFTER.
AH, YES.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
COULD WE HAVE A MINUTE?
THANKS.
YEAH.
I CALLED FOR GEENA, NOT YOU.
JUST GO AWAY, OKAY?
JUST CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S NOT GEENA'S FAULT.
I HAD TO DRAG IT OUT OF HER.
CAN I LEAVE NOW?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
HUH?
I MEAN, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?
JUST FORGE ABOUT IT, OKAY?
YOU DON'T NEED THE MONEY.
YES, I DO!
LENNY STOLE MY PAYCHECK
AND DISAPPEARED, OKAY?
YOU HAPPY NOW?
NO. NO. I STILL DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU NEED SO BAD
THAT YOU GOTTA STEAL IT.
WHAT, A BOTTLE OF PERFUME?
[Sighs]
IT'S A CHRISTMAS PRESEN FOR JANICE.
WHO'S THE WATCH FOR?
SINCE WHEN DO YOU NEED A WATCH?
YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEVER
KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
WELL, THIS WAY YOU WON' BE LATE TO APPOINTMENTS,
ED WOULDN'T GE MAD, AND...
AND MAYBE... I COULD
STAY WITH YOU.
ANGIE!
DIDN'T YOU LIKE I WHEN I WAS THERE?
YEAH, YOU KNOW I DID.
THEN WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
IT WAS A TEMPORARY SITUATION.
THAT'S WHY IT WAS FUN.
I'M NOT YOUR FATHER.
I KNOW THAT.
MY FATHER LEFT ME.
YOU THINK HE WANTED TO?
HE LEFT SO HE COULD
GET BETTER AND COME BACK
AND TAKE CARE OF YOU.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
[Sighing]
HAVE I EVER STEERED YOU WRONG?
I TOLD YOU YOU WOULD BE
TERRIFIC IN COMMERCIALS,
AND YOU WERE.
I TOLD YOU TO GO TO SCHOOL,
AND LOOK HOW WELL YOU'RE DOING.
I TOLD YOU TO TALK TO EVAN,
AND NOW HE'S DEEPLY
IN LOVE WITH YOU.
SHUT UP.
[Door Opening]
I THINK YOU'RE
ON TELEVISION!
OH, YEAH. WELL,
THAT'S POSSIBLE. I USED TO...
NO, NOT YOU. HER!
ON THE COMMERCIAL!
ON THE TV COMMERCIAL. COME ON!
HURRY UP, YOU'RE GONNA MISS IT!
GREAT!
EXCUSE US.
EXCUSE US. HEY!
[Television, Indistinct]
YES!
OH, MY GOD!
I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
IT'S MY FAVORITE
LITTLE SUNNY FRIEND.
[Laughing]
HEY.
SUNBURST COOKIES
LIGHT UP MY DAY.
[Cheering]
AH, COME HERE.
WELL, I GUESS IT WOULD BE
BAD LUCK TO ARREST THE...
SUNBURST COOKIE GIRL
ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
[Crowd]
YEAH!
NEXT TIME YOU BUY YOUR PRESENTS
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
SHE WILL.
SHE WILL.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA
STEAL A PRESENT,
ISN'T THIS A BEAUTY?
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
ISN'T IT GREAT?
GOOD-BYE.
GO.
YES. LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
HARK, THE HERALD
HARK, HARK, THE ANGELS
HARK, THE HERALD ANGELS SING
GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING
I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO
COME DOWN AND GET ME.
I KNOW IT WAS EMBARRASSING.
DON'T SWEAT IT. I DON' SHOP THERE MUCH ANYWAY.
SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO FOR CHRISTMAS EVE?
I DON'T KNOW.
JANICE IS WORKING.
WANNA COME WITH ME TO ED'S?
NAH.
I DON'T HAVE ANY PRESENTS
FOR ANYBODY ANYWAY.
SO, UM... MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
ANGIE!
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WATCH.
THANKS A LOT.
BUT IF YOU REALLY WANNA GET ME
SOMETHING FOR CHRISTMAS,
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU
COULD DO FOR ME?
WHAT?
["Joy To The World"]
[Angie]
LOOKS NICE.
YEAH.
NICE DECORATIONS.
YEAH, REALLY NICE.
REALLY DECORATIVE.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
I'M GOING.
NO WAY, ANGIE.
HO, HO, HO!
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HOW ARE YOU, LITTLE LADY?
HAVE YOU BEEN BAD OR GOOD
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?
DON'T ASK, SANTA.
COME ON, COME ON,
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE
FOR CHRISTMAS?
I'D LIKE FOR YOU
TO FIND A CHIMNEY
AND SHOVE YOURSELF...
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
SANTA, IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
WELL, AREN'T YOU
AN INTERESTING LITTLE GIRL!
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
HI.
WELL... HI, ANGIE.
HI.
MICHAEL.
HEY. MERRY CHRISTMAS,
RICHARD.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SO, HOW WAS YOUR RIDE UP?
OKAY.
GOOD. WHY DON'T WE ALL
GO INTO THE LOUNGE?
HO, HO, HO!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
LISTEN. YOU GUYS...
WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD?
I'VE GOT SOME REALLY IMPORTAN PHONE CALLS TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW HOW SHOW BUSINESS IS.
HIGH STAKES, BIG DEALS
HAPPENING EVERY MINUTE.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
YEAH, WE REPRESEN A LOT OF ELVES.
GO AHEAD. IT'S OKAY.
LET'S GO.
THERE'S A SEA OVER THERE IN THE CORNER.
HI. HOW ARE YOU, MARY?
IT'S MY DAUGHTER,
ANGIE.
HI.
MY DAUGHTER, ANGIE.
SIT DOWN.
LOOK, I WANT YOU
TO HAVE THIS BOOK.
IT'S A GIFT.
IT'S VERY, VERY
IMPORTANT TO ME.
I WANT YOU TO READ IT.
I WROTE ALL THE THINGS I
WANNA CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF.
AND NO DRINKS.
WELL, ARE YOU GONNA STAR DRINKING WHEN WE GET HOME?
NO, I WON'T. I PROMISE.
READ, READ THE BOOK.
SEE THIS? THESE ARE ALL OF THE
THINGS THAT I'VE BEEN THINKING
WHILE I'VE BEEN IN HERE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, BABY.
OH, SORRY.
THAT'S OKAY.
YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY...
SHE'S BEEN REALLY
GOOD THIS YEAR.
[Telephone Ringing]
[Crying]
CHAPMAN AND CHAPMAN.
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
GEENA?
IT'S ANGIE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
[Crying Continues]
IT'S OVER.
THE AGENCY'S CLOSING.
IT'S ALL OVER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
OHHH!
THAT LITTLE SHRUNKEN CRETIN,
BARRY CORMAN,
HE FINALLY GOT HIS WAY.
[Crying Continues]
BARRY, SO NICE TO SEE YOU!
YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
AND I'M SO GLAD YOU
FINALLY CAME AROUND.
WHAT WAS IT?
MY SMILE?
MY PERSONALITY?
MY FINANCIAL STATUS?
ALL OF THE ABOVE.
SOMETHING'S GOING ON.
WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY
SO NICE TO ME, MY LADY IN RED?
WELL, THERE WAS SOMETHING
I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
I JUST HEARD
CHAPMAN AND CHAPMAN
WAS CLOSING.
YEAH. I'M ALL BROKEN UP.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
I THINK YOU SHOULD
GO BACK WITH THEM.
HEY, TOOTS, MY COLOGNE
MAKIN' YOU DIZZY?
LISTEN TO ME, DREAM BOAT.
THOSE GUYS ARE BUMS,
THEY'RE LOSERS.
THEY COULDN'T GE CASTRO A JOB IN CUBA.
COME HERE, BARRY.
I WANNA WHISPER
SOMETHING IN YOUR EAR.
[Grunts]
YOU LISTEN TO ME!
YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA BE 12 FOREVER?
YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE GONNA GE BIGGER AND UGLIER AND HAIRIER.
AND IN A FEW YEARS WHEN
NOBODY'LL HIRE YOU, SPIRO'LL
DROP YOU LIKE A HOT POTATO.
BUT MICHAEL AND ED WILL
ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.
OKAY, OKAY!
WHAT A SHE-DEVIL!
GEENA DIDN'T SAY
WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS?
SHE JUST SAID IT WAS SOME
KIND OF EMERGENCY, AND WE
SHOULD GET HERE RIGHT AWAY.
SHE PROBABLY
BROKE ANOTHER NAIL.
SURPRISE!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
FOR ME?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT MY
BIRTHDAY, RIGHT?
I KNOW.
BUT I THOUGHT YOU NEEDED A PARTY
AND WE GOT THE PERFECT PRESENT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR MICHAEL
ACTUALLY IT'S FOR BOTH OF YOU.
JUST AS LONG AS
YOU DIDN'T STEAL IT.
I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S HARD
TO PUT A CAKE IN YOUR POCKET.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
WELL, COME ON, BLOW
OUT THE CANDLES.
[Cheering, Applause]
TA-DA!
WHOA, THIS IS A BIG CAKE!
I'M GONNA NEED SOME HELP
HERE WITH THESE CANDLES.
[Blowing]
HEY, IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!
I'M BACK!
[Laughing]
SEE?
NOW THE AGENCY CAN STAY OPEN.
YEAH!
ANG, THIS IS GREAT.
HOW'D YOU PULL THIS OFF?
WELL, ANGIE AND I HAD A LITTLE
TALK, AND SHE CONVINCED ME
TO BE LOYAL AND NICE AND...
WHAT WAS THAT OTHER THING?
A HUMAN BEING.
YEAH, WHATEVER.
[Michael]
WELL, BARRY,
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,
BUT IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, AND THANKS FOR NO JUMPING OUT OF THE CAKE NAKED.
[Laughing]
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
SOME GIFT, HUH?
ACTUALLY I WAS HOPING
FOR POWER TOOLS.
TSK!
ED, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS HERE.
LASSIE HAS COME HOME!
[Crowd]
YEAH!
MICHAEL, PLEASE!
HE'LL LEAVE AGAIN IN A MONTH...
WHEN YOU CALL HIM
AN OVERGROWN MUNCHKIN,
AND I'LL BE STUCK
HERE ALONE WITH THE
CHILDREN THAT TIME FORGOT.
[Moans, Groans]
YOU'LL BE SWELL
YOU'LL BE GREAT
JUDY, SWITCH TO DECAF.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
YOU JUST CAN'T SAVE SOME PEOPLE.
COME ON, MR. CHAPMAN,
IT'LL BE JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
[Crowd]
YEAH!
YEAH. WHY DO YOU THINK
I'M LEAVING?
ED!
REMEMBER YOU SAID I SHOULD
DECIDE WHETHER I WANNA
DO THIS JOB OR NOT?
WELL, I DECIDED, ED.
I WANNA DO IT!
I'M READY TO DO IT!
LISTEN TO HIM, ED!
HE'S GREAT WITH KIDS!
LOOK WHAT HE DID FOR ME!
THAT'S RIGHT. ED, ED!
I TURNED HER FROM A PICKPOCKE INTO A STAR INTO A SHOPLIFTER.
YOU THINK THAT'S EASY?
[Crowd]
YEAH!
[Woman Knocking]
HI, WE'RE HERE
FOR THE OPEN AUDITIONS.
I'M SORRY, MA'AM,
BUT THE AGENCY IS CLOSED...
FOREVER.
LISTEN, MY DAUGHTER
HAS A WONDERFUL VOICE.
AND I'VE BEEN
PRACTICIN' AND PRACTICIN'.
PRACTICIN' AND PRACTICIN'.
ED, COME ON.
LISTEN TO ME,
ALL RIGHT?
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING
THAT I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU BEFORE.
ALL RIGHT?
WHEN THEY HAD THE LIFE OF MIKEY
AUDITIONS AND DAD TOOK ME DOWN,
AND THEY SAID, "WE'RE NO SEEING ANY MORE KIDS,"
AND DAD SAID... DAD SAID, "I'M NO LEAVING UNTIL YOU SEE MY KID."
AND WE STAYED THERE
UNTIL THEY SAW ME.
MOM TOOK YOU
TO THOSE AUDITIONS.
ALL RIGHT,
SO DO IT FOR MOM.
DO IT FOR MOM,
RIGHT? COME ON!
[Cheering]
DO IT FOR MOM.
COME ON ALONG AND LISTEN TO
THE LULLABY OF BROADWAY
THE HIT PARADE AND BALLYHOO
THE LULLABY OF BROADWAY
THE RUMBLE OF THE SUBWAY...
GEENA! GEENA, HOLD...
HOLD ON FOR A SECOND.
WHAT DID YOU SAY
YOUR NAME WAS AGAIN?
KIMBERLY DENISE JACKSON.
KIMBERLY.
YOU GOT A REAL PRETTY
VOICE, KIMBERLY.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU
COULD SING ANY LOUDER?
MM-HMM.
OH, AND ONE OTHER THING.
CAN YOU TRY AND PRETEND
THAT, UM, SOMEWHERE
OUTSIDE OF THIS ROOM...
MM-HMM.
OUTSIDE THIS BUILD...
ACROSS THE STREET...
UH-HUH.
ACROSS THE OCEAN...
IN, IN RUSSIA, KIMBERLY,
THERE'S AN OLD GUY
WITH A CUP OF YOGURT,
AND HE'S SAYING,
ALL I WANT IS TO HEAR
KIMBERLY DENISE JACKSON
SING BEFORE I DIE."
CAN YOU DO THAT FOR
HIM, KIMBERLY?
CAN YOU SING FOR
HIM, KIMBERLY?
CAN YOU DO IT?
UH-HUH.
LET'S GIVE IT A TRY.
OKAY, GEENA. COME ON.
THROW YOURSELF INTO IT!
GET CRAZY!
GET LOUD!
A RUMBLE OF
THE SUBWAY TRAIN
GOOD. A LITTLE BIT LOUDER.
THE RATTLE OF THE TAXIS
SING AS IF YOUR LIFE
DEPENDED ON IT.
THE DAFFODILS
THAT ENTERTAIN
SING AS IF MY LIFE
DEPENDED ON IT.
AT ANGELO AND MAXIE'S
WHEN THE BROADWAY BABY
SAYS GOOD NIGHT
GOOD.
GREAT!
AND IT'S EARLY
IN THE MORNING
MANHATTAN BABY
DON'T SLEEP TIGHT
KIMBERLY, JUST LET IT GO.
UNTIL THE DAWN
YES!
AND I HATE THIS SONG.
YES!
GOOD NIGHT OH, MY BABY
GOOD NIGHT
ANG, WHAT A GREA BIRTHDAY PRESENT!
GIVE ME FIVE PERCENT,
AND WE'LL CALL IT EVEN.
GET A LIFE!
OH, LISTEN TO
ALL RIGHT, ALREADY.
LET'S SIGN THIS GIRL.
HE COMES CRAWLIN' BACK.
OHHH
OF BROADWAY
THE LULLABY OF BROADWAY
[cheering]
OH, SURE, SHE CAN CARRY A TUNE,
BUT LET'S NOT FORGET WHO PAYS
THE BILLS AROUND HERE, HUH.
DEATH!
YEAH!
GOTCHA!
["Life With Mikey Theme"]
[Shouting, Groaning]
IT'S LIFE WITH MIKEY
LIFE WITH MIKEY
THROW ANOTHER ONE, ANGIE.
HE'S COMING, LOOK OU THERE'S TROUBLE IN STORE
NO DOUBT
THAT'S LIFE WITH MIKEY
BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES PU AWAY THE MATCHES
THE CAT'S IN THE DRYER
THE CAR'S SHORT A TIRE
AND WHO STOLE DADDY'S CIGAR
THE BASEMENT'S SOAKIN'
THE WINDOW'S BROKEN
MIKEY CAN'T BE VERY FAR
HE'S CASTIN' HIS SPELL
AND EVERYTHING'S GONE
PELL-MELL OH WELL,
THAT'S LIFE LIFE WITH MIKEY
WATCH OUT
WHERE DID SUMMER GO
HOW'D I MISS
THE CHANGE OF SEASON
ALL AT ONCE
THE WIND BLOWS ROUGH
IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO SNOW
IN THE STREET BELOW
PEOPLE LAUGH
THEY GOT NO REASON
DON'T THEY KNOW IT'S
COLD ENOUGH TO SNOW
WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER
AND YOU WERE STAYIN'
FUNNY BUT THE WEATHER
STILL FELT LIKE MAY
IN MID-DECEMBER NOW
THE CHILL WINDS BLOW
SUNNY SKIES ARE ONLY TEASIN'
YOU WON'T SHOW
IT'S COLD ENOUGH TO SNOW
ON THE RADIO THERE'S A MAN
SAYS IT AIN'T FREEZIN'
WHAT'S HE KNOW HE DIDN' WATCH YOU GO
NOW THE SUN CAN SHINE
IF IT WANTS TO, FINE
BUT IT'S COLD ENOUGH
TO SNOW