1
This is Hoffman's Head.
Hey, Headlights,
I'm gonna open up your Fanmail.
"To Garrett Hoffman."
Well, that's me!
Oh!
And the note says, "Garrett,
"My pet earthworm had babies,
and I'm giving them
to you to raise."
From Tony.
Alright, I'm just going
fucking crazy!
I can't control
this fucking car!
What's the first word
that comes to your mind
when you think of air?
It's lightweight, see.
What is it?
What is it?!
In our laboratories, we did
scientific side-by-side tests.
Breathing air
versus breathing...
Chicken broth.
Air is better.
You literally brought
a cane to a gunfight.
Why don't you just
derail the train, Garrett?
Some things shall be easy.
It's "Assassins Creed."
It must be a dance.
Babe, who's... ah!
Who's winning?
So... so he's good.
Oh!
Oh my God! They're on my face.
They're on my face.
You know, I have no idea why,
but the first thing
that comes to my mind
when I think of the word "air"
is "airy."
Talcum powder.
Air is better.
Hey, thanks for letting us
into your devices.
Next time on
"Cooking with Serial Killers"
Jeffrey Dahmer is back
with tips on summer grilling.
It's gonna be great.
Check here for
bloopers and outtakes.
And like, share,
follow, and subscribe.
Like, share, follow.
For more, please
like, share, follow.
Like, Share...
Follow, and of course...
Subscribe.
Okay!
Rolling!
We hit two million!
The antimatter hyperdrive
can't take those numbers!
For the love of God, man,
tell them to stop subscribing.
Wait, what?
How many?
Two million!
Yes! Two million
of you insaniacs
have volunteered to get my head
delivered to your heads
on a daily basis.
So, I just wanna say thank you,
gracias, Merci, danke, arigato.
And while this is
Hoffman's Head,
it would not be possible
without Kiki Lee
and the incurable Lyle Burris.
Give 'em some love. Whoo!
But of course, Oh.
The real people I couldn't
have done this without...
is you guys.
My Headlights.
The Hoffman-heads.
I mean it. I-I really can't
believe you're all out there
carrying my head
around in your pockets,
and checking in with my head
at your desks.
It's... it's crazy.
But you have changed my life,
and you have made
my dreams come true.
And I love you guys.
I really do!
I really do.
Like a lot.
That's gross.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh, Box 1754, please.
Oh.
Yeah, I've been trying
to figure you out.
Oh, don't do that.
I really couldn't resist.
So, what did you come up with?
Well, I...
I thought you might run
a mental hospital for teenagers.
Kind of, yeah.
Uh, I'm on YouTube.
Well, what are you?
A LOLcat?
What, you don't think I could
be a LOLcat?
I can haz cheeseburger.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
This is America, and you
can be whatever you dream.
Thank you.
Yeah, rock on.
I'm Garrett.
Shell.
"Shell"?
I'm Michelle, but...
Uh...
Hydrology.
Your... your book.
You like fluid mechanics?
You... yeah!
Yes! It's great. I love it.
What is your favorite
thing about it?
One thing.
One thing.
One thing.
Um...
My favorite thing about
fluid mechanics... Yes?
Is?
Is
the mechanics of it all.
The mechanics.
Hoffman's Head? That's you?
Mm-hmm. That's my head.
I will check it out.
And if I like it, I'll put
kissy lips on a postcard
and... and leave it in your box.
Okay.
Okay!
Can I borrow that?
Um, this is my number.
You know, just in case.
Something happens?
Uh, that's private, okay?
Sure.
Okay.
So what happens
after all of this ends?
Because you know, spoiler alert!
Okay. You know, what if
YouTube isn't just some fad?
What if it's like...
It's the invention
of the printing press?
And I'm in on it.
Well, then, that makes me
a monk in a monastery
illuminating manuscripts.
Please just promise me
you'll consider
a teaching degree.
I just think you should have
something to fall back on.
Would you just stop
for a minute, Dad?
Try the sandwich.
I'll have it for dinner.
It's your favorite
from Arthur's.
Can you please just look at it?
Look at the sandwich?
Yeah.
What is this?
Open it.
Huh!
I told you things
were going really well.
I can't take this, Garrett.
You put it away.
No!
Put it away for yourself.
No, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm investing...
in your store.
Whoever's giving you
financial advice is a moron.
Look, I know you don't get it,
but all my life...
everybody's been worried about how I
was gonna survive in the real world.
Right? Including me.
Now all of a sudden, all that stuff
everyone told me to quit doing,
like clowning around,
playing video games,
that's like... that's a
real thing that people do.
I'm good at this.
I'm really good at this.
Have you seen any of my videos?
A lot of people like them.
A lot of people
like a lot of things.
Thanks for the sandwich.
You're welcome.
Come on, little goblins!
Good job, man. Good.
How did you just do that?
Unlocked the goblin outrage.
Yes. Fuck you. Fuck you.
And I'm large!
But why is he dead?
I won, but the guy's like...
on the floor, dead.
Okay.
Alright.
Okay, so we got about 4,000
people on the stream right now.
Live here in Hoffman's Head.
Streaming from 9:00 p.m. until
"I just can't take it anymore"
every Friday night.
So, I've been trying
to cope with some existential issues.
I'm just gonna throw
that out to you guys.
You night birds and mysterians
out there in the webisphere.
Um, the topic is my life.
What do I do with it?
After YouTube? Chime in.
Dude, you're, like,
living the dream, okay?
I am. I am.
But sometimes people
in your life can be...
human alarm clocks.
Are we talking about girlfriends,
Garrett, or relatives?
Relatives, yes, exactly!
Emotional kryptonite.
They... they come from
the same distant planet as you,
so they can just take away
your powers.
Garrett, you can always
come live with us.
Can I?
And who is "us" exactly?
Me, my mother,
my father, my brother.
Okay.
That sounds awful, thank you.
Oh, hey, it's FanGirl!
Just what you need.
Hey, FanGirl.
Hey, Garrett.
I'm in your head again.
Yes, you are.
Been a while.
Where have you been?
Making some moves.
But I'm back.
I'm here for you, Garrett,
just say the word,
and I am at your door.
As always, FanGirl,
you're turning me on,
and creeping me out in equal measure.
It's a gift.
Yo, she's probably
like 50 years old and ugly.
Only one way to find out.
You do know I have a rule,
right, FanGirl?
Well, rules
are made to be broken.
Thing is, FanGirl,
I made up the rule
for your benefit.
It protects you from the
inevitable disappointment,
because you guys already
get the best of me.
What's left in the day
is just, like,
14 hours swinging the mouse.
I am not...
I'm not interesting.
Well, I could give
you a back rub as you work.
Or I could get on my knees...
in front of your chair
and use my...
Okay, okay!
As delightful
as that would be...
Oh, now...
Now Raveon's jealous.
See, this is why
we have the rule.
I love you all equally.
I can't pick one Headlight
over another.
Just can't.
But there's no
one else like me, Garrett.
And deep down, you know it.
You know, I honestly don't know
what I know anymore, FanGirl.
Except that you're
all out there.
And that makes me feel
like I'm home.
Okay, imagine,
like, living in this world.
And having to actually, like,
fight these goblins.
Just on a daily basis.
It's really good.
It's the worst date food
ever, right?
I didn't want to say anything,
but it is!
Oh! What was I thinking?
Gosh! No, no, no. It's
really delicious.
I know.
Really good.
I love it.
That's why I come here, but...
I'm an idiot.
Yeah.
But the good kind.
Okay, so, what the fuck
is hydrology?
Um, it is the, uh...
the part of fluid mechanics
that tries to make sense
of how liquids, gasses and
plasmas react to applied forces.
You say "plasmas" so casually.
Most people I know
use plasmas to blast aliens.
Well, you say "aliens"
so casually.
True.
Are you with anyone?
Lately it kind of feels
like I'm with everyone.
If that makes any sense.
Yeah.
Just haven't found
the one yet, huh?
I don't even know
if there is a one.
I mean, yes, of course,
to control the Matrix.
Mm-hmm.
You know, but...
Yeah, but, you... you don't think
there's such a thing as true love?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
But is it forever?
I don't know.
Do you only get one?
Well, more than one
would be complicated.
Sorry. Excuse me, I...
And what are you doing?
Texting Number Two?
No, you... you gave me
an idea for a bit.
So, we all have this mythology
that there's, like, one perfect
person out there for us.
Mm-hmm. But what if
there's, like, five?
Five?
Yes.
So you could have, like, four...
Four perfect girlfriends,
but you still need
a number five!
Sorry, hang on.
So this... this is where
it all happens.
So... the "Rule."
Is that real?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's real.
You wouldn't go out
with one of those girls?
It just...
It doesn't feel right,
like it would be taking
advantage somehow.
That girl, who sent you
her panties every week?
And um...
FanGirl on the livestream?
Y-you're not tempted?
I don't know what they want.
Maybe just to make you happy.
They don't even know me!
What don't they know?
Well...
not that much, actually.
You okay with all this?
What do you mean?
You know, if you get
involved with me,
you get involved in all this.
My whole life,
it gets likes and comments.
So you think
we are getting involved.
I like you.
Yeah?
Yeah, you seem real.
I am real.
Good morning.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I knew it would be.
I told you rules
were made to be broken.
What do you mean?
Oh, come on. You're telling
me you didn't know?
Know what?
Hey, Garrett. I'm in your head again...
and in your bed.
What the hell are you doing?
Being me.
I'm sorry, um...
I'm kinda freaking out here.
You really didn't know?
No!
Jesus, no! FanGirl lives
in... in Chicago!
Not anymore. I moved here.
I quit school, and I moved
here, and I took that job
so we could do this
with no rules.
You... you what? I'm sorry?
You can't tell me
it wasn't good.
No, that... that was fucked up.
Is you name even
really Michelle?
Of course it is.
I didn't lie to you.
I-I just told you some truths
you didn't know yet.
What?
Listen, y-you gotta go. Sorry.
Are you kidding me?
No, seriously. You gotta
get the fuck outta here.
Why? Because you
fucking stalked me.
No. I met you.
How else was I supposed
to meet you, Garrett?
I don't know. Honestly?
How?
You had a rule,
and if... if I didn't
do something,
we would never
have had last night.
Last night was bullshit.
You know that's not true.
You felt something.
I know you did.
Actually, I don't know
what the fuck I felt.
Okay?
Then why don't we figure it out?
Sometimes people
just click, Garrett.
And you can't make
rules for that.
Knock, knock!
Dude, you're not up?
We brought coffee!
What happened to the clock?
This was our special
time together.
Nice almost meeting you.
You, too.
Take care.
You know, sometime soon,
you're going
to regret this, Garrett.
And when that happens,
just know that I'm waiting.
Okay?
Goodbye, Michelle.
Yeah.
I don't know, bro.
I mean...
what'd she do wrong exactly?
So you met online. How's that
any different than Tinder?
Because only one
of us signed up.
Love that doesn't listen.
You like her.
I mean, you guys have been
talking for, what, a year?
You texted.
She... sexted you.
What's your point, Lyle?
Did you ever tell her to stop?
Can we just get to work?
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Hey, it's Garrett.
Do what you gotta do.
Garrett, listen.
I'm in the top two percentile.
Me and all of my friends.
And we're all so fucked up.
And nobody cares, just as long as
you're perfect on the outside.
I was going
to kill myself, Garrett.
I went to this guy
who sold pills,
and when I got there...
he was watching
your live stream.
And you were just...
connecting with all
of these people.
You didn't give a fuck
what anyone thought.
You were just... connecting.
It didn't matter what
grade you got or...
Or who was going
to stop loving you.
So instead of taking the pills,
I started coming
on the stream as FanGirl.
And then last month,
I decided we had to meet.
We had to see
what it would be like.
Because you saved
my life, Garrett.
I know you have a rule,
but I also know
that I'm in love with you.
And last night,
I think you let yourself
be in love with me, too.
Just a little.
And last
night, I think you let yourself
be in love with me, too.
Just a little.
Call me. Okay?
Do I have a raging
marionette doll fetish?
Yes, I do.
Am I in therapy for it?
Yes, I am.
My therapist recommends having
as many one-night stands
as possible
to help cure me
of my puppet perversion,
but I can't, I won't. I just...
I could never be with a
girl, no strings attached.
It's been a week
Since I've seen you smile
Leaving your heart
outside my room
How ya doing?
Hi, yeah, you were great.
Thank you. Wasn't he?
Wasn't he awesome?
Yeah, he's awesome.
Stop it, guys.
But seriously, more.
How... did you... you're
not... I loved it.
Don't make me feel this way
Told my heart
It should stay
Okay. Really?
Don't make me feel this way
I'm just going to go use
the restroom.
Let me go,
let me go, let me go
Oh, let me go,
let me go, let me go
Oh
Let me go
Whoa! Hello.
Hi. How are you?
I'm good now.
Hey, hold up. I'm not exactly
a bathroom kinda guy.
I am so drunk.
Really?
I'll, uh...
I'll take you home.
Whoa! Come on.
Fucking man-eaters
everywhere I turn.
Eat me! You're not gonna
eat me today!
Everywhere.
Okay, please, God.
Zombies.
All up in it.
Alright, where are we now?
It's dark. I can't...
really see anything
in this hallway.
Okay.
I see some sort of light.
It's like a...
A doorway.
Boo!
Oh, what the fuck?
I said "hello" like ten times.
I didn't...
I didn't hear you.
Anyways, brought
your drive back.
Thanks.
Whatcha playing?
"Dead Rising." Fuck!
You fucking scared me.
Sorry, dude.
Garrett Hoffman?
Yeah.
Police.
Detective Yarden.
And then...
after she threw up?
I left.
I was home before midnight.
Don't suppose there's anyone
who can confirm that for us?
Yeah. Uh, the girl
that was here before.
She was over late.
Pink hair?
Yeah, we work together.
Editing till around 2:00.
She can testify to that.
We... we have edit logs,
and you can see when we uploaded.
Alright.
Write down her name and number.
Looks like this was
just a botched robbery.
But you were the last person
seen with the victim
at the club.
I... I didn't even know
her last name.
Well, I hate to say it,
but in this case,
that's a good thing.
First person we look for
is someone who knew the victim.
Yeah, it doesn't really feel
like a good thing.
That's because
you're not an asshole,
which is the second thing
that we look for.
How many people
watch your, uh, show?
Two million.
That's about a million girls.
No, I don't do that.
Not with fans.
Why the hell not?
Hi, this is, um...
FanGirl.
Found it.
- Got it. Found the lock.
- Great job.
One second,
one second. Hold on.
Um...
welcome to the casa de Lyle.
Uh...
One second, one second.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Mmm. Hey!
Where's that, uh, killer scotch?
Right!
So...
about Garrett.
Well, fuck him.
I thought the idea was fuck me.
Same thing.
Yes, it is.
Is your bathroom clean?
Absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
I'm not going to, uh...
To run into anything
we're both going
to regret, am I?
No.
Oh.
But hang on.
Oh!
Oh! No!
No, Moose, no!
Get off me! Get off!
Oh!
Die!
Okay! Thank you for letting
us into your devices.
For Behind the Scenes
and bloopers, click here.
And please like, share, follow,
and of course, subscribe.
We good?
Got it!
That is a wrap.
Catch, much?
I... I had a rough night.
You okay?
Yeah, it's just... allergies.
I'll be fine.
You okay?
Yeah, um...
I'm just trying to figure out
if I screwed something up.
Well, don't be a wuss.
I mean, don't be an asshole,
but don't be a wuss.
That's not really helping.
Not really my job.
Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
Hey, this is Garrett Hoffman.
Hey, this is...
Hey there, you.
Hey.
Uh, your text yesterday.
I'm sorry. There was
some stuff going on.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
No, it's just...
What is it?
I met this girl, and...
And she died. Uh, she was
killed in, like, a robbery.
Were you close?
No, I was just
at this club for Lyle,
and she was drunk,
so I took her home,
you know, because
she couldn't drive.
And then...
It's just so insane.
It's like being on the corner
and seeing somebody
get hit by a bus.
It was just this random...
I'm so sorry.
No, it's... it's okay.
It was like
a wake-up call.
You know?
I just wanted to call you
and let you know
that I wasn't blowing you off.
Uh, I have been thinking
about what happened with us.
Me too.
I was really freaked out.
And maybe I overreacted,
or I'm not being fair.
I don't know. I just...
So, what do we do?
Maybe we try again.
And take it slow.
I'd like that.
Uh, listen, I gotta go,
but I'll call you later, okay?
I'm here.
Hi.
We love your videos.
We love your videos.
Thank you. Thanks.
You wanna do...
I'm here.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
I let it go to voicemail.
I'm wet.
Garrett?
What the fuck?
Shh, it's okay.
No, no, no. It's not okay!
Hey.
You called me.
What?
You called me. You said
you wanted to try again.
I... yeah! Like coffee.
Come on, Garrett.
We're way beyond coff...
How the hell did you
even get in here?
Okay, fine. Forget it!
Wait, what? You're mad?
I am giving you everything,
and you are giving me nothing.
You're playing fucking
mind games, Garrett!
You know what? Fuck you!
I deserve better.
Nuh-uh.
I'm not playing
mind games, Michelle.
Shell!
Shell. Fuck.
I'm fucking confused.
No shit.
Could you just wait a second?
No, fuck you!
You're a fucking sociopath!
Y-y-you're selfish,
and you... you use people!
You use everybody!
I gave up everything for you!
Who asked you to?
Oh my God!
Whoa. Whoa!
Oh my...
Jesus, Garrett.
I didn't do that.
God!
I swear I did not do that.
I'm sorry.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
Let me see, let me see.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Shit.
I'm getting blood on everything.
No, no, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
Yeah, I think we need
to get you to a doctor though.
No, no. We can just
wrap it up. It's fine.
You're gonna need stitches.
It's fine.
Shell...
I can't.
They'll ask me how it happened
and who did this to me,
and I am bad at lying, Garrett.
Just help me get home.
I feel so stupid.
No, it was an accident.
The... no, the whole thing...
Moving here, finding you.
You need help going back?
Like, expenses or anything?
No, thank you.
I love you.
Okay.
I... I mean, I get it.
I wasn't talking about
anything happening.
I was just, you know...
expressing a feeling.
You're a good guy, and...
I'm gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Do you know what I need?
An ice cream soda.
Do you want one?
Just a parting ice cream soda.
Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.
You slept with a girl
that you met on the Internet.
You don't want to sleep with
her anymore, so she's pissed.
No, no, no.
This is like a stalker.
Okay? I'm famous.
Has she threatened you?
Yeah. Yeah, she told me
she'll never stop loving me.
Has she threatened you
with anything bad?
No.
Alright, look.
Son, with all due
respect to your fame,
this is more or less
a domestic situation.
Okay, yes, but...
Well, we hate those.
It's all he-said, she-said,
and then someone
recants in the next day.
Alright, well if she drugged
me, is that not a crime?
Absolutely.
Then do a blood test.
It only proves that
you took a drug,
not that she gave it to you.
Well, then, what about
a restraining order?
On what grounds?
Well, she broke into my house.
He said.
She said,
"He invited me in."
Oh, God.
We had this girl,
very bright,
putting herself
through medical school
working at a lap dance joint.
She gets this customer
who has a bad sense
of boundaries.
This is a very determined girl,
and she's not gonna let
some loser derail her dreams.
So, one night when
she sees him in the parking lot
waiting for her after work,
I'll bet that the last thing
that went through her head...
I mean before the bullet...
Was "No, I have
a restraining order."
Don't fuel the fire.
Don't communicate.
Don't go where you might
run into each other.
We run into each other
on the Internet.
Well, maybe you should take
a couple months off of that.
A couple of months? It'll
be there when you get back.
Man, just got trashed.
Uh, I'm in a lake of ooze here.
Is somebody gonna
come heal me please?
What was that?
That was like a giant worm at
the end of the tunnel. Mom!
- I'm playing a game!
- The game can wait.
Please tell Jerry
to take out the trash.
Jerry did it yesterday.
Fine, fine, fine. Sorry, guys.
I'm out. I'm out.
Bye, Brute.
Later, Brute.
Welcome RealGirl.
Maybe we can cheer you up.
Petunia's in some trouble
on her quest over by the...
Garrett, you can't keep
shutting me out.
We made love, and...
And you were inside me,
and I know you felt it too.
What the fuck was that?
That was sudden.
You okay, Garrett?
Uh...
I'm sorry. I, uh...
I gotta cut it short tonight,
Headlights. I gotta go.
Fuck!
Um...
this is a public video
for Garrett Hoffman.
I didn't want to do this, but...
you won't talk to me.
It feels like my heart
has been ripped out of my body.
We both made mistakes,
so please, please...
I'm sorry I upset you.
I'm begging you,
let's just try again.
I'm begging you...
let's just try again.
My heart has
been ripped right out of my body.
Oh God! oh!
It has!
It causes friction between
me and my girlfriend.
Then she gets involved
in a... "Friction."
Then she gets involved in a
threesome with my girl and I.
Why haven't you stalked me?
Why, Shell? What?
Watching this video
was just cringe-worthy.
No wonder this guy's
not calling you back, girl.
You be crazy.
I didn't want to do this,
but you won't talk to me.
Oh my God, oh my God.
It feels like my heart
has been ripped out of my body.
Sword. Sword is not working.
Axe! Axe is not working.
We both made mistakes.
I'm sorry I upset you.
Okay, just gonna get
the big ol' bazooka.
Let's just try again.
Ah! I'm out of ammo!
This game is torture.
Maybe we just have
more feelings than other people.
You know,
I've always been like that.
Everything is...
Is more intense.
I understand.
You can have...
anybody you want, and...
And why give that up?
Because having everything
is like having nothing, Garrett.
What defines you?
Your choices.
Who are you, Garrett?
There's this Garrett that people
see, and that's not you, is it?
You know how hard it is
to see you here every day?
I... I can't move on,
because you won't
let me, Garrett.
You said like you.
You said to share
and follow you.
You fucking lied.
Look, Miss.
What you need
to understand is that
he does not see what happened
in the same way that you do.
But he told me to move here.
I beg your pardon?
Well, he, like, practically
begged me for months.
Look, what you may have misinterpreted
as his... No, no, look for yourself.
These are your emails, correct?
That you sent?
Six months ago?
Eight months ago?
Asking her to move here
because you love her.
No, no, no.
She messed with it.
I... I did not write these.
She was here, I told you that.
Kid, you remember
when I told you
about why we hate
domestic situations?
I swear to God, this is
not "he said, she said."
This... this is "he said,"
and then "she broke
into his fucking house
and is fucking with his life because
she's a fucking psychotic stalker."
You expect me to believe that
she got into your email account
somehow and wrote all these?
She backdated your emails?
Come on!
I'll take a lie detector test.
There's gotta be some
kinda forensic way
that you can check when these
were actually written, right?
Alright, I will look into it.
In the meantime,
stay away from this girl.
Okay.
But you do understand
the irony of that, right?
Fuck your irony.
Stay put.
He loves me.
We're lovers.
Jesus.
It's gone viral.
Every time I get it
taken down in one place,
it pops up in five more.
We got fan art already.
And remixes.
Channel views way up,
likes way up, subscribes...
Garrett.
It's just this thing you do.
You can walk away.
I connected with
two million people.
I can't just let one
of them destroy that.
No.
Then I'm out.
I can't enable this.
Overreact much?
Shut up, Lyle!
You have to do
what you have to do.
This is so fucked up.
Lyle, can you give me
some space?
Please?
Can you go?
Okay.
Hey.
This is Garrett Hoffman.
As I think you all know by now,
I hooked up with FanGirl,
and it went really badly.
You know, my first instinct is
that this is none of
anybody's fucking business.
Except it is.
You know, I put my life online,
I ask you guys to share.
So, I'm not gonna give up
on what we're doing here,
and I really hope that
you guys don't give up on me.
But I am asking you
to stop making fun of FanGirl.
I believe that this girl
is mentally ill.
This is a damaged person,
and she needs medication,
and I do not mean
that, like, funny.
It's real.
She needs help.
So please...
please lay off.
I believe that this girl
is mentally ill.
This is a damaged person and
she...
I believe that this girl
is mentally ill.
This is a damaged person,
and she...
I believe that this girl
is mentally ill.
Hello?
Jesus.
I might cash that check now.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't... I didn't think
that this could get to you.
What are you talking about?
I'm having a thing...
with a fan. She's...
She's disturbed.
And you think this fan, she...
Wait, wait. How would
she even know that
you father owns a bookstore?
They know everything about me.
Brave new world, Dad.
You know where that's from?
"The Tempest."
"A brave new world
that has such people in it."
I'll take care of this.
I'll stop it.
Shell.
Shell, open up!
Shell, open the fucking door!
You posted the ad?
Hey!
You're dead.
You scared the shit out of me.
Yeah, that was the idea.
Did you get my messages?
Have you been getting mine?
She's gone.
I went to her place.
You broke into her motel room.
Are you serious? She burns down my
father's store and I'm in trouble?
Yeah, you are in trouble.
Are you ready to listen?
Because I've been looking
into your girlfriend
as best I could.
She was a minor,
so the records are sealed.
But there was a fire at the home
of a girl that she didn't like,
and a hit and run against
a boy who broke up with her.
No proof.
Parents put her into a private
psych ward for a while.
Everybody looked the other way.
But that girl at the bar?
The one we thought
was a robbery?
Jesus.
Mm-hmm.
Or the mailbox shop
where you met her.
A woman works there six years,
never misses a day,
then all of a sudden,
she vanishes and a job opens up.
You see this?
You can go online.
Find instructions on how to make
one of these out of a coat hanger.
If that girl really is gone,
count yourself lucky.
And if she comes back, run.
Grow a beard, change your name.
She is bright.
You will not see it coming.
I... I need help.
Somebody's been shot.
A police officer!
He was sh...
Shot with an arrow.
Yes, yes! An arrow.
It was a crossbow.
It was set up...
in the door.
Please hurry.
Hey, Garrett. How
are you holding up?
Got some things
you need to sign.
That's an evidence inventory
for your computers...
and the damages waiver.
You keep the pink one.
And here is a list of places
that do crime scene clean up
and some counseling.
You should talk to someone...
even if you think you're fine.
I don't think I'm fine.
Uh-huh. Good. Okay.
Now you're sure
that nobody knows
that you go to this place?
I don't go there.
It's, um... it's my
friend's uncle's place.
We went there once to visit
in the 10th grade
with their family.
The road's barely on a map.
It's out in the middle
of nowhere.
He's... he's an artist.
Alright, even still.
Keep your head down.
She won't last long.
She messed up.
She has nowhere to go.
We got a reward out, a tip line.
And the media
cluster-fuck on this
is actually gonna help.
We will find her.
And we'll get you
your life back.
Hmm?
Keep it.
Hey.
Hey.
Are you sure about this?
I... I can't go home.
Come stay with us.
Raylene won't mind.
Puts you in danger.
You know what I love about you?
Don't fuck our shit up now.
You haven't said,
"I told you so."
No fun if I say it.
Go.
How much for a room?
Uh, $63.97.
Um, can I see your license?
Oh.
Oh my God, I left it in the car.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Can I show it to you later?
Yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
A national manhunt is underway
prompted by the murder of a
police detective here in Fresno.
It seems to have started
with viral videos,
but has blown up into tragic,
real world consequences.
Detect...
Okay, so...
no one knows we're here.
No one can hear us scream.
Okay, great. Thank you.
Oh. Yes.
Security system.
Okay, go!
Yes!
I mean it. I really can't
believe you're all out there
carrying my head
around in your pockets,
and checking in
with my head in your desks.
It's... it's crazy.
But you have changed my life,
and you have made
my dreams come true.
And I love you guys.
I really do.
I really do.
Like a lot.
Hey, so Uncle Ray's
cable account.
It's his ISP.
We don't have to log in
to anything.
No one'll know it's us.
We could just be on
the Internet as civilians.
This isn't just about
hiding out, Lyle.
You know, I...
I have to figure out who I am.
Offline.
Every day, every day,
this is all I've done.
I just need some kind of time...
to myself.
Okay.
If we're gonna do this
whole self-reflective,
cleansing sweat lodge thing...
there's something
I have not entirely told you.
I went out with her.
With who?
She called me,
and, um...
we got together.
I think.
It's all kind of fuzzy.
There was a lot
of drinking involved.
Oh.
Thing is, I think that's
how she got your keys.
Okay.
That's not your fault.
No.
No, it's not.
But I was jealous.
Ever since we were
nine years old,
we were a team.
In it together,
and now we're not.
So what was I supposed to do?
Stop?
No.
No, it's all good.
That's what I'm trying to say.
I am so glad
I'm not you right now.
Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa, wa.
This is my
recipe for macaroni and cheese.
You get the macaroni,
you cook the macaroni.
You might think gravity's
just for the birds, Rocko,
but it's the law, and it goes
the same for everybody.
Oh, yeah?
I'm gonna stick...
Okay, I'm genuinely trying now.
I'm actually putting
in some effort,
and I'm... oh! It's dead!
I can grow out of it if I
want, but I probably won't,
so this is my head...
currently.
Zombie apocalypse, guys.
What would you do?
What would you
do in a zombie apocalypse?
Wait, but who's... ah! Who's winning?
Ah.
Point. Looting.
I... you know, zombies
start walking the Earth?
I'll be the first at the mall
with a sledgehammer.
What are you gonna do
in the zombie apocalypse?
Uncle Ray's.
Half a point.
What?!
What? No!
Really?
No, say it ain't so.
Oh my God.
So, Kiki has this...
This uncle lives up
in a cabin by...
Lake Frontier.
Lake Frontier, yes.
The guy was crazy.
No, he's an artist.
He is a little weird.
Yeah, he's
completely off the grid.
We had to, like,
take this unmarked road
- past the fire... past the
fire county dump. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Anyway, that's where I
would go for the zombie apocalypse.
Really? Yes.
Uncle Ray's.
You know when you can't...
That's where I would
go for the zombie apocalypse.
Lives up in a cabin by...
Lake Frontier.
Lake Frontier, yes.
Point.
We had to, like,
take this unmarked road
past the fire... the fire county dump.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
So, I've been out here a week,
and they still can't find her,
so I gotta figure out what
I'm gonna do from now on.
Cannot live without YouTube.
Yeah, I can't.
I can't.
It was fine.
I don't want to live
without YouTube.
I don't think that
we're too... connected.
I don't think that
we share too much.
I think that this...
This technology
we have in the world
is bringing us
all closer together.
And yeah, that's...
That's... it's dangerous,
and it's a risk
to open yourself up,
and to trust. I get that.
Um...
I may never get
to go home again,
I may never be able
to use my real name again
in the world,
and my life could suck.
As long as this is real,
what... what we're doing here,
as long as this is good,
then I'm good.
So if I have to choose...
I choose to live online.
Hoffman Heads, you may
never know where I am,
you may not know who I am,
but I'm still gonna be here,
every day, with you.
So I'm gonna post this video,
What the fuck, man?
Holy fuck!
What are you doing?
Where did you go?
I was making a video.
You... oh. Okay, great.
I thought you died.
I almost pissed my pants, man.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
I need a beer.
Yeah, me too.
And with that deeply
philosophical conclusion
to my meditation
on man and nature,
Headlights, it's alive!
Yes!
Neither sleet nor snow,
nor dark of night,
Hoffman's Head is broadcasting
to you guys
live from an
undisclosed location.
Nothing stops the livestream!
Nothing!
Yes!
Glad you're back, dude.
Oh! Yes!
Where are you guys?
It looks kinda freaky.
Dude, did you just
seriously just ask me
to disclose
the undisclosed location?
And I almost did it as well,
like a knee-jerk reaction.
Are you guys okay?
We heard FanGirl killed a cop.
I bet it's a scam.
It was on the news.
He's gonna end up
just like LonelyGirl.
What, are you... you trying
to get more views, Hoffman?
Um, a good man lost his life
trying to protect and serve,
and when...
I know how to process that
the right way...
we can talk about it, okay?
We love you, Garrett.
You know,
let's just try and have
some really stupid fun
tonight, yes?
Let's blow some shit up.
Okay.
Let's blow some shit up.
Can't stay covered like that.
10-9, 40.
We got a... got a clear path
to the blow-up zone.
Clear path to the blow-up zone.
Okay, clear a path.
Alright, little girl.
Three, two, one.
Hey, Garrett.
Have you seen this?
Holy shit.
FanGirl uploaded a new video.
Garrett...
I think I know where you are.
But...
I don't think
we'll get to talk much
when we see each other again.
So I'm saying this here,
because I want you
to understand.
My life is over.
And I'm...
I'm so ready.
But I keep thinking about you...
forgetting me...
and that makes me
unbearably lonely.
So...
If we can't be united in life...
we will be united in death.
No way.
Be right back.
- What was that?
- What's going on?
It's nothing. There's
nothing out there.
It's the... it's the woods. It's the wind.
Garrett, it's probably...
It's squirrels in the wind.
The fuck's going on here?
Nothing.
Garrett just thought he heard
something out there,
but there's nothing out there.
I'm pretty sure,
but not exactly sure.
- You guys okay?
- We're good.
We're safe. You see anything?
I bet you don't.
Fuck. She's out there.
What?
She's out there.
Oh, God. Mom, I love you.
If you're watching,
I love you so much.
Everybody, listen.
FanGirl is here.
We need you guys to call 911.
We don't have any service.
Lyle, where are we? Lyle:
County access road just outside
Country access road...
outside of Lake Frontier.
Off the 168.
Off 168.
You gotta go past the
quarry and then the dump.
Off the 168. Past the
quarry and the dump,
off the 168, alright?
There's no fucking address,
because Uncle Ray is a fucknut!
This is fucking hysterical.
Is this some horror sketch livestream?
We're in actual danger!
Oh, fuck.
What the...?
Hello?
Oh, fuck. We're fucked.
Fuck. Shit. Fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Goddamn son
of a bitch, fucking...
Oh, fuck. Goddammit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Ow. Fuck.
Shit. Motherfucker.
Garrett?
Garrett. Shh. Come
here for a second.
Don't fucking do that.
Shh, then don't fucking yell.
This is insane.
We should make
a run for the car.
No.
No, you don't leave the castle.
You stay inside the walls.
What fucking castle?
If we go outside,
she's gonna kill us.
If she has to come in here,
we kill her.
I have a plan.
It's a little outside the box,
but what if you stay here
and... and...
And make her think
that she's got us trapped?
I'll slip out, and, uh...
And I'll go for help.
Your plan is to leave
me here and run away?
But she's not in love with me.
Son of a bitch. Okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Shit.
Shell!
Why couldn't you just love me?
Why couldn't you just let me go?
That's not love.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh my God.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
I've been driving all night.
It's me. It's Petunia.
Petunia4ever.
Can you move? Are...
We have to get you...
We have to get you out of here.
Come on, okay?
You just...
Alright. We're gonna go.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Okay. Come on.
Keep talking to me, okay?
Um, just don't... don't, like,
go into the light or anything.
Okay?
Alright? We'll just talk.
Um, I'm gonna take care of you.
I'm gonna get you some fluids,
some, like, electrolytes.
Just as soon as I
get you home safe.
Hospital.
I once took care
of a dog with a broken leg,
and I...
I rescued it, and I found
all these videos on YouTube
about how to take care
of a dog with a broken leg.
And I did it,
and... and it lived with me,
and I... I took care of it
for six months.
I can't believe
you're here, Garrett,
in my car with me.
Oh, I wanna show you
some of my drawings.
I think you're gonna...
Really gonna like them.
I am gonna take
such good care of you.
Walking around this place
For miles
It's been a week
Since I've seen you smile
Leave my heart
Outside your room
Finding our love
An ashened ruse
Don't make me
feel this way
Take my heart,
it should stay
Don't make me
feel this way
I'm telling my heart
It can't stay
Let me go,
let me go, let me go
Oh
Let me go,
let me go, let me go
Oh
Let me go, let me go
Let me
go, oh
Let me go,
let me go, let me go
Oh
Staring
at faces
On the
walls
When did I let you make
Me
smile
Hiding me out of this
Nightmare
Wishing for someone
Who isn't there
Don't make me feel this way
It's only my heart
It should stay
Don't make me feel this way
I'm telling my heart
It can't
stay
Let me go,
let me go
Let me
go, oh
Let me go,
let me go
Let me
go, oh
Let me go,
let me go
Let me
go, oh
Let me go,
let me go
Let me
go, oh