Today we celebrate the life of a child,
who's antics, have become the inspiration
of joke's that are amongst the popular ever told.
Little Johnny joke's have been embraced
by millions.
And shared by people from countries all
over the World.
What makes these joke's so enduring?
Prehaps it's because he shows the world
through the eyes of a child.
And tells it like...it is
A complete and utter mess
But i bet you didn't know
that Little Johnny joke's are in fact based on...
Well...fact.
And here is a little gem,
weve dragged from the vaults.
That shows Little Johnny's debut on
a short lived television show.
All right then Boys and Girls, i want each of you
to tell me your favourite word,
a word you love and then use
that word in a sentence...Shana
"Butterfly"...it's a beautiful word
and they are my favourite insects.
Yes indeed, indeed they are fabulous
aren't they.
And Roger...your word
"Skylark"
"Skylark"...It's an unusual word, can you put
that in a sentence for our viewers at home
Yes...My Daddy owns a Buick "Skylark" and it's
got a 322 5.3 litre nailhead V8 and...
Excellent, excellent Roger
you certainly know your cars
And next we have...Johnny...Johnny
what word have you got for us today?
"Goin'"
Another unusual word Ladies and
Gentlemen "Goin'"..can you put that in a
sentence Little Johnny
Yeah...
Go 'en get Fucked
Well..Welcome back Ladies and Gentlemen
sorry about those technical glitches,
the joys of live television
Ha-Ha-Ha...Well now Hello Lone Ranger
and where is Tonto?
Don't know!!
Well er...So how are you today?
Good
Are you married? Are there
any little Ranger juniors or Rangerettes?
Ha-ha-ha-ha
No
And what's your word? Your favourite word
your word of the day Mr.Ranger
"Smee"
"Smee"..."Smee" another unusual word, can you
put that in a sentence for me Mr.Ranger Sir?
Yeah.."Smee" again...
So you can all go and get Fucked!!!
Why you little.....
Of course Little Johnny wasn't always like that
He was just a regular kid,
born in to a regular family
By regular...I mean they
weren't particularly well off
Weren't famous, went to church every Sunday
And ate Dinner at the Dinner Table
His father..Harry, sold foundation garments
to house-wife's looking for support
Whilst his Mother...Isabel, took in
ironing to earn extra money
Harry bought an 8mm camera and began
to film his young family
And thus record a legend
The Legend of Little Johnny
Now it must be said that Little Johnny's use
of prefanity was not a symptom of progressed
Tourettes Syndrome
Nor was it due to Satan, as many
Church going Town's Folk may of thought
It wasn't the fault of his conserative parents
Who dis-allowed even the slightest obsenity
Where he got it from...is any body's guess
This is Little Johnny's Uncle Kevin
and despite his penchant for profanity
He was a well liked decent sort of fellow
And Little Johnny looked up to him
And that's Uncle Kevin's wife..Mavis
She was tough enough to keep him in check
And this is Little Johnny's Cousin Cheryl
She's a dad's worst nightmare
As a family, they treated Little Johnny
as if he was there very own
More toast dear?
Oh i'm fine thanks
- Come on boy's...Breakfast
- Okay
I just don't know what were going to
do with those boys!
- Erm
- It's the constant swearing
We really need to put a stop to it
I'm sorry...your going to have to punish them
Okay..okay...leave it to me
- Good morning Sweetie
- Morning Mum...Dad
What would you like for breakfast Billy?
- Fuckin' Cornflakes please
- What !!!...That's it young man
You've..Been..Warned..Mister
Ah...Good Morning Johnny...and
what would you, like for Breakfast?
- Well...Not Fuckin' Cornflakes!!
- What !!!
Oh...Uncle kevin's here
About time mate,
i could feel myself getting old
- Any how...G'day
- Morning Uncle Kevin
Ha-ha..Hey mate you would of
laughed this morning
You know that fuckin' cow with the one horn?
Well i was trying to seperate her from
the calf, next thing she's charging at me
I tried to jump the bloody fence, got me
gammy leg stuck in a bucket of feed
Shit's going everywhere...
and i ended up face first in....
Everything alright mate?
Yeah okay...i suppose
You sure?
Well, i think Mrs.Rogers is gonna fail
me in arithmetic today
Fail ya!! why?
Well yesterday she asked me, how much
is 2 times 3 and i said 6
Yeah...That's right!!
Then she asked me, how much is 3 times 2?
- What's the fuckin' difference?
- Well that's what i said
- See ya Uncle Kevin
- Yeah, see ya little mate
Ah..Mr.Wilson...
Yes....
I have to tell you, that yesterday at snack time,
i offered your nephew Little Johnny a cookie
And he said, "I don't fucking want one"
Ha-ha-ha...Fair enough!! If he wants
to be like that, don't fuckin' give him one
Good Morning Class, Miss Thomas is away
for a couple of weeks and i'm your
substitute Teacher
My name is Miss Prussy
A good way to remember that is to
think of Pussy...But with an "R"
Good Morning Miss Pussy
It is my understanding that you have been
studying Geography with Miss Thomas
So today...we will be learning about North America
And what is your name?
- Yes
- Roger...maam
Roger...would you
like to come up and find North America
- Erm...Here it is
- Very good
Now class..who discovered North America?
Little Roger!!
No..Not exactly....
Okay...
Maybe we could take this opportunity
to learn a little about one another
Would anyone like to share a story with us?
Yes... and your name?
Johnny Miss But everyone calls me Little Johnny
What would you like to share with us Little Johnny?
I had a stuttering Cat...
A stuttering Cat!!
- There's no such thing as a stuttering Cat
- Yes there is...
- I had a Kitty Cat that stuttered...
- Really...
Yeah...I was playing with him the other
day and a huge dog jumped the front
fence and attacked us
Oh dear, that must of been very scary
Sure was, my Cat raised his back and went
ffff...ffff...ffff
And before he could say "Fuck", the Dog ate him
Silence..Please, Please
That is a terrible story, and certainly nothing to laugh about
All right...who's that laughing?
Sorry Miss Prussy
What's so funny Roger?
Well maam...I just saw...one of your suspenders
Well i never....
Get out of my classroom...this instant
i don't want to see you for the rest of the day
a simple statement of fact,
arouses such hostile reaction
- Quickly please...
- Mummy won't be pleased
Who was that?
Name...
Mickey...Mickey Ramone, Miss
hee-hee-hee
And what's so funny?
I just saw...both of your suspenders
hee-hee-hee
What is wrong with you Children?
Get out of my classroom you...horride little boy
I don't want to see you for an entire week!!!
Huh!!!...
And where do you think your going?
Well Miss Crunt...from what i just
saw, i think my school days are over
I didn't fully understand all of it,
you see it was on television
and they were like puppet's...
but real, or was it real but like puppets?
Aahh...You shitting me
Yeah...Yeah...I agree
What's the world coming too when
a boy sacrifice's his dignity,
for a member of the opposite sex?
- Come on...let's go before i vomit..
- Yeah...
Erm...
Why would yo want a fancy smancy bicycle,
when you can't afford a packet of bubble-gum?
So Mary...Who's it gonna be?
Not you Jason, it's never been you
And even when it was...it was him...
He thinks he's a big man
A Rebel...
But tell me Johnny, what are you Rebelling against?
So...What have you got...Huh?
You wanna go to Harrison?
Take me anywhere you want Johnny
Argh...Get off me you...creep
Get a room!!!
What a riot, you freakin' fairy
What's the world coming too when your
best friend get's all fruity and...and...
Come on...forget about it,
you'll never be able to afford it
Wheels like that are for the rich
and not for the like's of us
So...
Be happy with nothing...celebrate your poverty
Live for the humble victory's in life,
eat Rice like the rest of the world...
Dear...Santa...
You must be surpised that
i'm writing to you in March,
it being so soon after Christmas and all
Well, i would very much like to clear up
certain things that have occured since last year..
When i wrote you my letter,
I asked for a Bicycle, an Electric Train Set,
a pair of Roller-skates and a Football
I racked my brain studying the whole
year and i did pretty good at school
I'm not lying to you, there was no one in my
entire neighbourhood that behaved better than me
WHAT BALLS YOU'VE GOT LEAVING ME A
FUCKING YOYO, A WHISTLE AND A PAIR OF SOCKS
And you gave that prick Jason all the stuff i wanted
And let him brag all over school about it
Don't let me see you trying to cram your
big fat arse down my chimney next year
I'll be waiting...
I'll mess up your stupid Reindeer and scare them away
so that you have to walk back to the fucking North Pole
just like i have to walk to school because
you didn't think i deserved that fucking bike
FUCK YOU
Ah...sincerly Little Johnny
- Morning Mum
-Good Morning Darling
Why you rubbing that stuff on your face?
- To make myself beautiful
- Oh..okay...
What's the matter Mum?
Giving up?
When Little Johnny wanted something
badly enough, he'd do anything to get it
He was a born entrepreneur, who was
pretty damn clever when he put his mind to it
Johnny...What have you done with
my bleeding power drill
Hello Johnny
Hello Father....
Well, you two certainly make a nice picture...
What's your Doggie's name?
I call him Porky...
Porky!!! That's an unusual name
for such a cute little Doggie
But why do you call him Porky?
Because he fuck's me Uncle's Pig...
Oh...er...Well i just stopped by to see if anyone
you know, would like to enter our Talent Quest?
Here, take this flyer...
Contest!!
Money!!
Oh yes...
Real money?
It says so at the bottom
Must be off...Good-day now...
# Everywhere that Mary went,
Mary went, Mary went
# Everywhere that Mary went,
the Lamb was sure to go
Wasn't she just lovely...Give her another
round of applause, Ladies and Gentlemen
And now we have Little Johnny...
Who's going to do some impersonation's i believe
Would you give him a big hearty Gallangatta welcome
Little Johnny....
Ahem...Ladies and Gentlemen...
My Uncle owns a farm, just outta town
And nearly every weekend i..i go out
there and help him
Today i would like to share with you
my impression of some of the
many sounds i hear on my Uncle's farm
Ahem...Hey you kids, how many times
do i have to tell you,
get off that fucking Tractor!!
Thank you...
Gimme me Bow Tie...
Mum will kill me if i lose that
Really...
Well you had better listen up ya stupid Jarmuck
I can't give it back...But you can...get
it back if you know what i mean?
Pleasure doing business with ya
Oh yeah...If you feel like singing like a Canary,
remember this Cojean is coming to kick ya ass
But why doesn't he sell the place
and get another job for goodness sake?
He loves the farm, he can't help
that there's been a drought for 2 years
You'd think the bank would understand
I mean potentially, the farm can earn more
than than enough to pay the mortgage
Hmmm...Potentially yeah....But realistically
the bank's only intrested in getting there money now
So Kevin better think of something or he'll loose the farm
Uncle Kevin...
Yeah mate...
What's the difference between potentially and realistically?
Hmm...Okay, Go inside and ask Auntie Mavis if
she'd have sex with the mailman for a million bucks!!
Auntie Mavis...
Yes Darling...
Would you have sex with the mailman for a million bucks?
Yes, with the way things are at the moment
i guess i would
She said, she would Uncle Kevin
Jesus!!...Alright then, now go and ask
Cousin Cheryl if she'd do the same thing
Cheryl...
Yeah what...
If someone paid you a million bucks,
would you have sex with the mailman?
Ahh...Duh...For a million bucks of course i would
She said, she would too
Yeah, thought so...well there you go then mate
Potentially were sitting on 2 million bucks..
But realistically, i'm just living
with a couple of whores...
...Pear shaped organs, and connected to it at
the top are the Fallopian Tubes
And the two Ovaries
This is the information which you Dad,
should clearly understand
Before you can pass on correct knowledge to
your child, when he is old enough to understand
So...there you are class
That's what happens in sexual intercourse
and that's how baby's are made...
Now, has any one got an example from nature,
or real life..about what we've been talking about?
Yes Roger...
Yeah, yes..yes..yes..I was climbing a tree
yesterday and i saw a Nest with baby birds in it
Excellent example Roger...
Yes Mary...
My Mummy had a baby last year, it
was my little brother Tommy
Very good Mary...
Yes Johnny...
I was watching the Lone Ranger on TV and
he was surrounded by hundred's of Indian's
And they all attacked at one time...and he
killed every one of them with just two guns
Well that's good Johnny...but what
does it have to do with sex education?
Well..it will teach those Indian's not
to fuck with the Lone Ranger Miss
Oh..Come in Boris
Look everyone...
This is very exciting...We have a new
student all from Leningrad...Russia
His name is Boris...
say Good Morning Class...
Good Morning Boris
Now Boris...would you like to tell
us a little about where your from
In Russia we have saying,
"wierman harleck wasses"
"Butzeep"
Oh!!!..Don't forget your test results...
- Aaawww fuck...
Hi Dad...
Hi Mum...
Hey...Hey...Hey...
Not so fast Mister!!
If i remember correctly you got
your test results today...
Well, actually..i don't have em...
What do you mean you don't have em!!!
Well, i did have em...But i leant em to Rog...
- He wants to scare his parents!!!
- WHAT!!!
N..N..Nah!!..Just kidding...
Here they are...
Well at least there's one thing i can say
that's good about Johnny...
- Oh..What's that?...
- With results like these,
he couldn't possibly be cheating!!
Now children..Who'd like to come up and tell
the class what they did on the weekend
Well Miss...Me and my brother Billy
went down to the creek a few times
And what did you do at the creek may i ask...Swim?
Well..well, our favourite thing to do
is to catch Frog's Miss
Really...And what do you do with them?
Well Miss, what we do is stick Fire-cracker's
up their arse, and light them!!!
Rectum Johnny...Rectum
Wrecked em..Blew em to the Shit-house...
Roger...Please tell me you did something
more beneficial with your time off
Well Maam, My family and i went to the
beach and stayed at a camping ground
where we met some tourist's, all the
way from Minneapolis..Minnesota
Minneapolis..Minnesota
Can you spell that for us Roger?
Actually Maam...i think they were from...L.A
All right Mary...
Miss Rogers and class
One of the thing's i did on the weekend was go
around to Jason's place and place in his sand box
That sounds like fun...Mary
Now if you come up to the blackboard and can
spell, "Sand". I'll give you a fresh baked Cookie
Correct, Here's a Cookie
Now Jason, If you can come up here
and write "Box", i'll give you a Cookie too
Now Mustafa...
What did you do on the weekend?
Well, Miss one day i saw Mary going over
to Jason's place and i followed her
coz i wanted to play with them, but when i got
there, Jason threw Rocks at me...till i went away
Threw Rocks at you!!!
That sounds like Blatent Racial Discrimination
Now, if you can come up to the blackboard
and write "Blatent Racial Discrimination"
i'll give you a Cookie...
The letter "B" is for Benign
Outstanding Mary..Now can
anybody else tell us what Benign means
Johnny
Benign...
Is what my brother will be, after he be eight
Okay Class...we've had some fun,
Now it's time for a reality check
I have marked your latest tests and apart
from Mary, the results were very disappointing
- Boris...
- Da
In the English language,
a Fibular is not a little lie...
And Mickey, for Science you said,
"H2O was Hot Water and CO2 is Cold Water"
Incorrect...
Errr..Maybe it was
the other way around!! I can't remember...
And for your Science question Jason,
you were asked,"What is a Nitrate"
And you said and i quote...
"Cheaper than a day rate"
It's not funny children...
On this General Knowledge Question...
"How do you delay milk going sour?"
One of you said, "Keep it in the Cow"
Little Johnny...You shouldn't be laughing...
Math Question 5a asked...
"If your Father earned a hundred dollars
and gave half of his pay to your Mother,
what would she have?"
You said, "A heart-attack"
And for being smart...you get a big fat Zero
A Zero!!!
I don't think i deserve a zero Miss...
Well i agree...
But it's the lowest mark i can give you
- Ahem...
- Yes Johnny...What is it?
I don't want to scare you Miss Pussy,
But just so you know...
Last night my Dad told me that if my
grades don't start to improve
Somebody is going to get a spanking
Good night Darling...sleep well
Mummy...
Yes Billy
Could you sleep here with me tonight?
I can't sweetheart
i've got to sleep with Daddy
He's a big sissy
Mum...c,can you
give me a Dollar for my money jar?
A Dollar...I don't think so Darling...
If you do...
I'll tell you what Dad said to Betty from
next door when she walked
her dog past our place last night
Well then what did he say?
He said, "Your dog's been
digging holes under our fence again"
Hello there sonny...
Would your parents be home?
Well what the fuck do you think?
Do yo know about our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ?
Well, i know that he lives in our Bathroom!!
- He what!!!
- How...
- why do you say that Son?
Well every morning my Dad goes to the
bathroom door, knocks on it
and yells Jesus Christ are you still in there!!
I was going to call first, but i couldn't resist
i just had to see your face...
If i win the race...
i'll be able to get the bike
You know what that means?
You'll have a bike?
It means i'll have to beat Jason...
He's won it for years
But you don't know anything about
Billy-Cart's or racing...
You'll have to do a crash course
Yep....Without the crashing...
Mate you can't get blood out of a stone
I said i was gonna fucking pay ya
I'm sure you understand Mr.Wilson that our
records must be current in the relation to the
value of this property and all associated assets
Yeah fair enough
You wouldn't mind if i take a look around
Yeah, knock yourself out mate
Just mind that pile of tyres out the back
there's another fucking snake down there!!
Get up there...Fuck ya stupid cow...
G'day there Uncle Kevin
Yeah mate
I'm just going inside to get a glass of
water, then i'll come and give you a hand
You want me to get you anything?
No thanks mate
G'day Roger
Auntie!!!
Johnny!!!
What's that?
That...That's where God touched me
with the Golden Axe
Really!!!
He got ya right in the Cunt!!
Thank you
I'm sorry Auntie Mavis, but don't be embarassed
I saw Grandma's pussy one day too
when i was staying over
I think her's was dead...the tongue was hanging out
According to our records, your listed as having two toilets!!
But you only seem to have one, in side
Yeah, but what about the Thunder-box out the back?
What!!...I'd hardly call that a toilet
It's a collection of rusty Corrugated Iron with a
plank of wood, with a hole in it over a rusty bucket!!
There's not even a lock on the door
Mate i've been out here for years now,
no bastard's ever knocked off a bucket
of shit the whole time i've been here
I think i've seen enough...
I trust i'll see you in our branch on the 17th, as agreed
Yeah, yeah..right oh
Oh Uncle Kevin...
Uuhh...Oh, What is it mate?
Uncle Kev, do you know anything about Billy-Cart's?
I know a little bit about em...
Yes i have had immortal thoughts about her Father...
Immoral you say!!!
So who is this person?
Could it be the Suzie Fitz-Simmons lass?
No Father...I won't say
Oh, Prehaps twas was that Meridith
the skinny one, i hear about?
No..No not at all
Oh, it must be Betty?...Betty Stenton...
The amount of confessions i get about that girl...
N..No
Oh..Prehaps it's that continental strumpet Angelina...
No Father, forget it i won't say...
Your very tight lipped Johnny and i must
say i admire that in a young man...
But even thoughts can be sinful...and you must atone...
Say 8 Hail Mary's and behave...
So...what did you get?
And who knows where little boys and girls
go when they do bad things?
I do Miss...i do...
Yes Johnny...
They go in the bushes behind the Church-Yard...
Err...Careful Johnny...we may
have to wash you mouth out with soap
...Again
But it's true Mrs. Rogers, Mickey Ramone
showed me his Weener today at the Playground
It remined me of a Peanut!!!
Really...Small was it?
No...Salty
Mum...That man who works for God is here
Oh, Hello Father how nice to see you
Hello Mrs.Murphy i just called
to see if you were feeling better
This morning before Mass Little Johnny
told me you were ill!!
Told you i was ill!!
- You know i think boys are stupid...
- Oh I agree...
No were not...
Oh yes they are...All boys are stupid...
- Stupid, stupid, stupid
- And girls are so much better
Oh yeah...
At least i got one of these!!!...You haven't...
I Don't Care..Johnny
Because Mum say's, that with one of
these, i can get as many of those as i like...
Just a minute Young man...
Oh, Hi Mum...
Why did you lie to Father O'Flarity?
I didn't...
Well he told me that you said i was ill...
But you were Mum...
What makes you say that?...I wasn't ill
Well..I was walking past your bedroom
this morning and i distinctly heard Dad say...
Come on turn over and take your medicine...
Oh..Well i'm much better now thank you...
Well come in here please we have a visitor..
Look who's here Johnny..Mrs. Quiggly
You remember Mrs.Quiggly...
Go and give her a kiss...
Come Darling give us a kiss...
No....
Oh, what's the matter Sweetheart?..You too shy?
No...She's too Ugly
Johnny!! How dare you...
Appologise to Mrs.Quiggly this instant....
Appologise...
I'm sorry...Your so Ugly Mrs.Quiggly
Can i go now?
Okay...Quieten down Quieten down...
QUIET!!!
Ha!!..Thank you
Now Class...Today were gonig to talk
about Multi-syllable Words...
Does anybody know of an example of
a Multi-syllable Word?
Mary...
Pretty...
Very good...
Roger...
Um, Monkey...
Very good...
Yes..Johnny!!
Mas-ter-bate...
Oh Johnny..that's a mouthful...
Oh no Miss, You must be thinking of Blow-Job
Quiet please...
Now let's move on..Okay today
were going to have two special words
The first being.."Perhaps". Who can use
the word "perhaps" in a sentence?..Yes Mickey...
If were good and we don't give you no
trouble or nuttin', "Prehaps"
you won't give us any homework...
Well, we'll see about that...
Yes Shana...
The sky is very dark, "Perhaps" it's going to rain...
Excellent Shana...Very good use of the word...
YES JOHNNY!!!
Yesterday when i got to my Uncle's place after
school, my Cousin Cheryl and her Piano teacher
both had there pants down around there ankles
- "Perhaps" they were going to shit on the Piano
-JOHNNY!!!...
- Yes Miss...
- That is totally unexceptable...
From now on you are to sit there...
Do nothing...And above all else be quiet...
Now Children...For today's second special word
I would like to see if anyone can use the
word "Beautiful" twice in one sentence...
Yes Shana...
My Cousin wore a "Beautiful" Wedding Dress
and the whole Wedding was just "Beautiful"
Very good Shana...
Yes Roger...
It was a "Beautiful" day and my Father took
us to the Mountains, for a Picnic
and the views were simply "Beautiful"
Very good Roger...
Miss...Miss....I can use it in a sentence 3 times Miss
Really!!! Oh alright Johnny, but be careful...
Well Miss, one night my Cousin Cheryl came
home and told my Uncle Kevin that she was Pregnant
and Uncle Kevin said, "Beautiful"..."Beautiful"..
Just fuckin' "Beautiful"...
That's it...
I have had quite enough of you young man
You are constantly disrupting my Classes
with your foul language
But it's like i'm invisible
She doesn't even know who i am...
And that's why you wanna win the race?
Yeah..I have to win the race...
No you don't mate...There are others
ways of getting a girl to notice ya...
And if that fails...we'll go to Plan-B...
So what's Plan-A?
It's a known fact that over a half the
world, was conceived to love songs...
Write her a love song and even if you sound like shit,
she'll forgive you if she likes the words...
Uncle Kev...
Can you teach me a love song?
Hi Honey...I'm home
Hello Darling...We need to have a serious talk..
Look what i found in your son's closet
when i was cleaning up today..
Well....What do you think we ought to do?
Well i don't think we should spank him...
# What's going on...
# I'm starting to change...
# I get Butterfly's...
# When they mention your name...
# I pant like a Puppy...
# When i see your face...
# I got girl germs...
# I stammer and stutter...
# When i try to speak...
# When you smile at me...
# I go weak at the knee's
# I'm losing control, Christ...
# I hope i don't pee
# I got girl germs...
# I worried because...
# Me Dick will drop off...
# And i'll grow me a full...set of Tits...
# And wear frilly knickers...
# And make-up and stuff...
# And i'll have to sit down..to piss...
# What can i do...
# Will this feeling go away...
# Sorta hoping it does...
# Sorta hoping it stays...
# Uncle Kev say's...
# I need to get laid...
# I got girl germs...
Oh Kevin what are gonna do?
Jesus, I don't know love
I'm only short 100 bucks, surely the Bank will
give us a fucking extension
What..An extension on an extension..
Well why not!!!
We've been doing business with those
bastard's for near on 10 years..
It's the least they can do...
Oh i hope your right Kev...
Hello Uncle Kev...
G'day mate...How'd it go?
Oh...Fuck...Well not everybody's got an ear for music...
We'll just have to try something else...
Bu..But she doesn't like me Uncle Kevin...
Mate, she's a woman...
She's just a bit confused in her head...
Watch it Kevin...
Well w..what i'm saying is that
they're not like normal people...
And they need lot's of proof that your not a loser...
So how do we do that?
Err..Be a winner
Exactly...
Well there it is mate...Superstition Hill...
And it's not for Pussies...
Imagine..Your Crown Jewels are gonna be
dangling no more that 5 inches from the ground...
It's like a bloody Cheese Grater at that speed...
I've seen many a Genital torn to shreds...
An they were the bloody lucky ones...
The other's...well...
But then again...i think
superstition's got bugger all to do with it!!!
It's all about the bloody training...
Now you move into 5th position...
"Short worm shows balls to sun"...
Come on...
Faster....
Put some bloody effort into it...
Those leg's have got to be like steel fuckin' springs...
Here we go...
Forgive me for asking but...Shouldn't Little
Johnny at least have a go in a real Billy-Cart?
Ah shit yeah...obviously
he's got to pass this test first...
So...What do ya reckon?
What a piece of junk!!!
Well, she may not look like much but...
she's got it where it counts kid..
She's a bloody marvel of engeneering...
Probarbly the fastest Downhill Racer ever built...
She's smashed all but 2 records around the country
Ball Bearing Hubs...
Geared differential...
And about 40 pounds of ballast to speed things up...
So Johnny...You ready?
I'm ready...
Hang on...
Wow...
Thrilling...
Okay, so it needs a bit of oil...
Aarrgghh..Me fuckin' thumb...
He's ready...
- Really...
- Yep...
Ready as he'll ever be..
God, I know i'm not perfect
But if you can let me win the Billy-Cart Derby
and get the money i need
I'll be able to buy the Super Deluxe Dragster Bicycle
And then maybe..just maybe a certain
person won't think i'm a loser
And then she can be my girlfiend...
I know you can fix everything,
er even maybe a race sometimes
So i'm wondering, that if i promise to be
a better boy, would you help me win the race
And beat that Boof-head Jason...
That would be gratefully appreciated
Hey and if it's not too much to ask...
Can you smack him in the Nut's while your at it
These are for you Rog..
So you won't miss anything...
Gee, no one has ever done anything that
nice for me before
Well...What are best friend's for...
Errm..I don't want to state the obvious but..
You do actually need a Billy-Cart
to win a Billy-Cart race
It doesn't matter Rog
I'll never be able to beat them anyway in that
rusty old thing Uncle Kevin has...
These guy's are professionals
Hey, hang on...
Put a lid on that sort of talk young-un...
Sorry i'm a little bit late...
I had a case of the shits...
So...What do you think?
Oh, i love it Uncle Kev...
And...This from your Auntie Mavis..
Thanks Auntie Mavis...
Now, if things go to pieces out there!!
And if the shit hits the fan...
Use the "F-O Lever"...
What is it?
Just a little invention i cooked up...
Like it say's, "Only use in emergencies"
Got it?
Yep..Got it...
Now go win that bloody race kid
Well here we are Ladies and Gentlemen..
At the infamous Superstition Hill
For the Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby...
What began as a quaint local racing event, has grown
to be watched by thousands across the Nation
The atmosphere here is electric
And all around you can see the eager fans, who
have turned out to watch what promises to be
A heart-stopping, jaw-dropping,
bone-crunching extravaganza
Now it's time to meet the competitors
so over to you, Father O'Flarity..
Thank you Howard...
Now i'd like to introduce some of our
competitors before the race...
And first off, we have Boris...
I see your sitting on some sort of
Un-Holy Atom Bomb type Rocket-Cart
You think it will help your chances?
Dar...It will blow my competition away
So..Does the Red Threat have what it takes?
I guess we'll just have to wait and see...
And who do we have here?
Mustafa...And his Flying Carpet..
Are you confident that your wonderfully hand woven
plush pile rug will see you through to victory?
Glory be to Allah!!
For he will fly me to the finish line...
Yes indeed..
Ah, Jason...
You are odds on favourite to win this year..
So tell me...Are you feeling the pressure as
reigning Champ to make it 2 wins in a row?
You see the thing about this competition is...
there is no competition..
Well folks, with confidence like that who needs luck?
Next we have the eldest competitor in the race, Mrs.Quiggly
I understand you have competed in
every race since it's humble begining's
But have never actually run a place...
Yes..That's true
But this year i desperatly need that prize
money, for my beloved Terrier...
You see Toto is very ill indeed and the Vet
bills are more than i can afford..
Seeing as i'm a pensioner..and a Widow
I'm sure our viewers hearts will be
with you...Good luck and God Bless
With all this stiff competition, i'm wondering if
our next racer Mickey Ramone is feeling the heat?
Nah...Not from the others or that greedy
old bag, she's laying on the
dying Pooch coupe like it's friggin'
I'm not fallin' for it...If she get's in my way..
You get whacked...
I'm in this to win...
See me in Confession
Well folks, it seems there's enough rivalry to go
around. Last but not least we have a
young lad in what i believe is his first race..
So tell me Little Johnny..
Are you confident of a big win?
Yep...
Err, so do you feel that Lady Luck is with you,
on this Friday the 13th and
are you a superstitious man at all?
Never heard of her..And as for superstition on
the kids err, i couldn't care less..
Well that's the spirit..
God Bless ya son...
A wave of excitment has gripped the crowd
as the clock ticks down to the main event..
It has been said that the Billy-Cart Derby is as
much a mental challenge as it is physical..
Do you think your nephew has what it takes
Oh, he's a smart boy alright...
Helping him with his math one day i asked him,
"If there were 3 bird's on a fence and you
shot 1..How many would be left?"
He said, "None"
Oohh...
Goodness...
I know, so i asked him why...
And he said, "because when you
shot the first 1, the others all flew away"
I said, "The answer is 2"
But it shows you were thinking...
Then Little Johnny asked me a question,
"If there were 3 ladies sitting on a park
bench eating Ice Pops"
"One is biting her's,
One is licking her's
and the other is sucking her's"
"Which one is married?"
Well i said without really thinking,
"the one that was sucking on it"
Little Johnny looked at me ever so innocently
said, "no it was the one with the wedding ring"
But good on ya Auntie Mavis,
It shows you were thinking
Well err, thank you Father for that insight..
Ladies and Gentlemen, the racers
prepare for the big moment
As Father O'Flarity offers a final blessing on
this Friday the 13th on Superstition Hill
And now Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment
we've all been waiting for
The 1967 Gallangatta Billy-Cart Derby
Mustafa has taken to the air...
What an unbelievable sight...
Holy fuuuuuck....
Forget it you old bag...
Go back to your nursing home...
You and your Little Toto too...
It seems that a little disagreement between
Mrs.Quiggly and the carry over Champ
The tension going into fever pitch
and getting the better of them
Come on mate..you can do it...
Come on Johnny...
Jesus Christ...
My goodness, one of our competitors
has become..Bogged Down!!
I have absolutely nothing to add...
Get out of my way you filthy little scallywag...
That money is mine...
- Back off she...
- No spoilt little rich punks getting it
Not over my stinking..dead..body...
Come on Johnny, you can fucking do it...
Settle down Kev..
You have to watch your blood pressure
It's only a race for God's sakes...
You are..finished...
Fuck-head...
You leave our Johnny alone you filthy
cheating, cock-sucking, mother-fucker...
You..are..finished....
Like it says, "Only use in emergencies"...
Holy shit....
Shoot me...Shoot me...
Shoot me...
Johnny...
Johnny...
Holy shi...Ladies and Gentlemen if he doesn't
make it over the finish line, he'll be disqualified
Can he do it?...
Can he...
He can...
He can...
Little Johnny has gone on to win the race an unbelievable...
- Johnny...
- Fuckin' beauty..Good on ya young un...
Did i know it'll not be forgotten for generations to come
Well of course i'm proud of him, he's a bloody Champion...
And he always makes me laugh..
Like the other day, we were sitting on
the fence watching a Bull with 2 Cows...
And i asked him what it was up to he says...
I'm watching the Black Bull fuck
the Black Cow Uncle Kev...
The Missis was on to him she said,
"Your not supposed to say that, the Bull
was surprising the Black Cow"
The next day at a family do with everybody
gathered round, the Missis said
to Little Johnny she says...
"So Johnny did the Bull suprisse the Black
cow today?"
Little Johnny said,
"Sure did, he fucked the White one"
Kevin...
Thanks Uncle Kevin...
I couldn't of done it without ya
Your welcome mate...
You may be only a little takka,
but ya got a bloody big heart...
You little shits...get outta my way
That's my money...
Firstly Little Johnny may i congratulate
you on your absolutley, monumental
victory here today...You have shown
tremendous courage
and will undoubtedbly become an inspiration for
Down-hill Racers around the world...
Is there anything you would like to
say to your fan's out here today?
Yep..
Goin'!!...
Why you little
I'll take it...
Congratulations Little Johnny, she's a wonderful bike
Would you like it boxed?
Or do you want to ride it home?
Ride thanks...
Watch it Dick-head...
Ah fuck off...
Uncle Kevin...
Your a very lucky young man, it's the last one
Rare as Hens Teeth they are..
There's nothing else i can do for
you Mr.Wilson good-day...
Oi, hang on a bloody minute look mate,
i'm..i'm not asking for any favours
here just a little bit more time..
Time did you say?..Yes if only we as mere mortals
could control something as dreary as time..
But alas we can't, so i won't..thank you
Al-alright 24
I'm not asking you to change time,
just..just look the other way for a little bit
I'm afraid the balance must be paid today
in full or we will for-close on your property
So that's it huh!!...
I'm gonna loose every fuckin' thing i worked
for and all for a pissy little 30 Dollars..
30 Dollars or a 1000 to the Bank makes no difference..
Well mate it makes a big bloody difference to me..
We are a Financial Institution, not a Charity..
Well what happened to the Old Australian, "Fair-go"
Proberbly on vacation, along with the
Good Samaritan's, now if you don't mind
Don't mind...don't mind...
Well as a matter of fact i do fucking mind, Ya fuckwitt
There's no need for language like that sir...
Mate, i haven't even fuckin' started on you yet...
Right...
Help...
Now tell me, what's it take to save me fuckin' farm?
Uncle Kevin...
Yeah mate..
Here's your 30 Bucks..
Thank you young man...
Happy counting Mister
Hey thanks mate..
you know i'll make it up to ya
Don't worry Uncle Kev, you already have!!
Really!!...How's that?
You know something Johnny..You got
a bloody good head on your shoulders
Did i ever tell you that?
Aaww thanks Uncle Kev
Hey guy's...
wait for me
Say, did you get the bicycle?
Nah...
Grew out of it
I know you and Mary are like an
item and all and..
normally that's like, well a..a big problem with me
But i believe, in my heart..we'll see this thing through!!
Like mates, so if it's alright with you
both, can i still hang out with you guys?
Course you can Rog...
Oh great...
Were mates...
Of course
So what became of Little Johnny?
Did he find success?
Or failure?
It doesn't really matter
The point is, Little Johnny has become part of folk-law
A Legend...
And as we all know...Legend's never ever die...
Mr.Hanson, can i ask you something?
Of course Johnny... What is it?
Well, Mary and i wanna get married, is that alright?
Oh, i don't see why not!!
But there's a few thing's to sort out
Like..err where will you live?
Well i figured i could just move into Mary's room!!
It's big enough for the both of us easily..
Oh i see..Erm, how will you support her?
Well we'll eat here...
I get a Dollar a-week allowance and so does she..
I got a bit saved up...That should be enough
Alright and what if any little one's come along?
Well finger's crossed, we've been lucky so far!!!
Why's that funny Uncle Kev?