1
Hey, how many boyfriends
have you had?
Come on. Think about it really hard.
- 10.
- No. She's lying.
Give her a few seconds
to think something up.
- David's staring at you.
- Boys!
- David's staring at you.
- No. He's staring at me, you guys.
He's staring at me. Please admit it.
He's staring at me.
He's so cute.
If you were 16
and you were out on a date with him
- would you do it with him?
- That's gross!
It's not gross, Marcy.
Then you'll never have any kids, Rachel.
Yes, I will. I'll adopt them.
I'll just do it once, just to get pregnant.
Don't you have to do it, like, every night?
I love you. Kiss me.
I do, too!
- Gross.
- What?
Tina farted.
- Jill.
- The sitter came in an hour early.
- Great. Here, let me take this.
- Thank you. Hey!
- Come talk to me while I get dressed.
- Okay.
Where the hell are my shoes?
So how are you and Chris doing?
Well, it's weird. I feel really guilty,
but there's this guy at work
that I'm sort of attracted to.
- Seriously? Who is he?
- It's so stupid. He's my sous chef.
- Did anything happen?
- No, of course not.
It's just that Chris is so goddamn
possessive, it's making me crazy.
Listen, I wish Don was possessive.
- You look really pretty.
- Thanks.
Oh, this cake is gorgeous.
Chris stayed late at the bakery last night
to make it for the party.
- That's so sweet.
- Yeah.
Doesn't seem that long since we were
having Jamie's last bachelorette party.
It wasn't.
Can you cut some limes for me?
Can I give Tina Two a piece of cheese?
That is Tina Three.
I'm sorry. Hello, Tina Three.
You need a new pink bow, don't you?
Where's your sister?
Oh, probably terrorizing the staff
at Nordstrom's.
Have a knife?
How is it that somebody with an MBA
ended up being a personnel director?
I wish she'd just quit that job
or stop complaining.
Oh, do not tell her I'm pregnant.
Why?
She had to go to
two baby showers last week.
She almost slit her wrists.
She's already got
that old maid mentality.
- She's up to four packs now.
- You are so mean.
What are you talking about?
She's the judgemental one.
- You are too hard on her, though.
- Are you kidding?
She's picked on me
since the day I was born.
She got the Barbie Dream House.
I wasn't allowed to touch it.
She got the canopy bed.
I couldn't even sit on it.
She said my butt was stinky.
- Listen to you.
- What?
Hello! Anybody here?
- Speaking of stinky butts.
- We're back here, Rachel.
Somebody raided
the accessories department.
50% off with employee discount.
I hope you weren't talking about me.
- That's a bit paranoid isn't it?
- I brought my own pillow.
- You look great.
- Really? I'm exhausted.
- Did you start smoking again?
- Of course not.
- I took my last patch off a week ago.
- Your hair reeks.
Well, other people smoke
in the employee lounge.
- Is that my fault?
- All right. Fine. I just asked.
- Look at all these goodies!
- "Goodies." Oh, I hate that word.
- I'll make a note of that.
- Sorry. I'm... tired.
- How's Noah?
- Great.
- Don?
- Fabulous.
Good.
Why don't you two both go outside?
I'll bring some margaritas.
I want you both in a good mood
before Jamie gets here.
Please, she's really
looking forward to this.
- I'd love a drink.
- Ginger ale for me.
- That's a pretty blouse. Silk?
- Viscose.
It's Italian.
It's old. I was gonna give it away.
Would you like it?
- No, thanks. It's more you.
- Just thought I'd ask.
You two look so pretty. Here. Move in.
Great.
- Where's Marcy?
- I don't know.
She's bringing guacamole.
She's probably in bed
with her house painter.
- What?
- Marcy's having a relationship
- with her house painter?
- No. She's just fucking him.
- But she's engaged to Mark.
- No, she's not.
- Not anymore.
- What happened?
She sent that painter over here
to give me an estimate.
She didn't tell me
she was sleeping with him.
They have wild, kinky sex.
- Marcy?
- What happened to Mark, Jill?
Oh, you guys are out here.
- Marcy.
- Marcy.
- What? What?
- Nothing.
- Are those new glasses?
- Great shoes. Great shoes.
- Thank you.
- They're really nice.
Hi.
- Let me get you a drink.
- Thanks. I could use one.
- What's wrong?
- It's kind of a long story.
So?
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, wait.
You look so pretty in that dress.
Thanks.
So, I've sort of been,
well, seeing the guy
who painted my house.
- Really?
- Jill was just telling us.
- Jill?
- I didn't know it was a big secret.
So what's wrong?
I thought he was a really nice guy
at first, you know?
I mean, not exactly marriage material
but sweet and really, well, sexy.
Anyway, he started acting kind of weird
the last week or so
and I finally had to tell him,
- "Look, Randy"...
- Oh, God, I hate that name, "Randy".
- It's so white trash.
- Yeah.
- He has a twin sister named Brandy.
- No, you've got to be kidding.
Anyway, anyway...
- This is good guacamole.
- Oh, thanks.
Anyway, so go on.
Finally you had to tell him...
Yeah, that he's a nice guy and all,
but he's not my boyfriend
- and he never will be.
- So what did he say?
I couldn't believe it. He just freaked out.
He's been acting
really possessive lately,
you know, like he owns me.
And all of a sudden he wants to know
everything I do every minute of the day.
And then yesterday,
I told him I felt like being alone
and he accused me
of seeing someone else.
Which I'm not, but it's
none of his business if I was, you know?
I mean I have no commitment to him.
And here's the really creepy part.
When I went out to my car last night,
I saw his El Camino
parked down the street
with him just sitting in it.
He was spying on me.
- A bee!
- It's all right. It's gone now.
What? I'm allergic.
So, did you call the police?
Oh, they won't do anything.
Remember that woman who reported
that her ex-husband was stalking her?
Then he massacred the whole family
at the barbecue.
I mean, the police didn't do anything
until after he slaughtered them.
Oh, my God. I am so stupid.
I mean, why did I ever get involved with
him? I always pick the wrong people.
Is he cute?
Wait. I have a picture of him.
- What?
- You photographed him?
No.
You know, at first,
I thought he was really sexy,
but now he looks
kind of psychotic to me.
You know, kind of Robert De Niro-ish.
Will somebody please
tell me what happened with Mark?
Didn't I tell you? We broke up.
- Why?
- Oh, it's such a terrible story.
- Oh, my God.
- He puts his picture on everything,
his invoice, his business cards.
It's even on his El Camino.
It's true.
He looks a little cross-eyed.
Sort of inbred. Did he go to college?
Well, at least you didn't marry Mark.
I mean, look at Jamie. Three marriages,
and she's just now getting it right.
Yeah, but at least she went out
and found a better guy.
Let's just hope she found
a better dress, too.
No kidding!
Jerome's a doll, though.
She says they have great sex,
said they do it constantly.
Oh, you guys,
I had this picture blown up of her.
I took it at their engagement dinner.
I don't know why, but I have a
real hard time imagining Jerome naked.
- Don't strain yourself.
- She really looks great.
She's got the perfect body.
Look at those shoulders.
Oh, you know, I was watching TV
late one night last week,
because I couldn't sleep,
and that movie came on,
the one she did in Mexico...
- Tropical Maniac.
- Oh, that's right. That's right.
So, there's Jamie
and she's standing there on the beach
in a requisite bikini,
holding a machine gun. I'm telling you.
She never gets sent out
for any good parts.
What good parts?
There are no good parts for women.
Do you think it bothers her
that Jerome's going bald?
- She thinks it's sexy.
- I don't know, I like a little hair.
Well, it's a good thing, considering
Don has it covering his entire body.
I'm telling you, the last time
he was over here swimming
I thought I was gonna have to change
our pool filter.
Oh, now who's mean?
Jerry seems very comfortable
with his masculinity.
Yeah. I guess, considering.
- What?
- Considering what?
- What?
- I can't tell.
- Oh, come on.
- No, I can't.
Jamie made me swear on my life.
- It's really not that big a deal.
- Something about Jerome?
- Maybe.
- Jill, now you have to tell us.
He only has one testicle.
Isn't that funny?
And he still has some semen,
so it's not like he's sterile or anything.
Oh, my God.
And he's certainly not impotent,
but can you imagine?
Isn't that funny?
Oh, it must look so weird.
And he hates
for anyone to know about it.
He didn't tell Jamie for the longest time.
Wasn't it obvious?
No. She just thought
he had really teeny balls.
Anyway, do not repeat that information
about Jerome, please.
I mean, it's not like it slows them down.
They have wild, kinky sex.
- You say that about everybody.
- Like who else?
- Jesus, Jill.
- I really didn't tell them anything.
Never mind.
So what do Jamie and Jerome do
that's so wild and kinky?
Well, she would probably
tell you this herself...
What the hell's going on?
- Jamie.
- Jamie.
The front door's locked.
- I rang the doorbell forever.
- I'm sorry. We didn't hear you.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my goodness.
- Honey.
- You are so skinny, I hate you.
- I can't eat when I'm nervous.
- Hi, bride.
How come you get three husbands
and I don't get any?
Well, you can have the last one.
For that matter, you can have this one.
- What's wrong?
- Jerry and I had a fight.
- You're under a lot of stress.
- Oh, no, no.
This was a real, real nasty one,
and I'm still mad. I never leave mad.
- What happened?
- Well, you know,
Jerry's having
his little bachelor party tonight.
You know, just a couple of
wacky systems analysts sitting around
playing pool in some billiard parlour
in Pasadena.
Well, this one guy who's with him,
Dave, he hired a stripper.
Now, Jerry didn't know about it
until tonight
but he doesn't understand
why I'm upset.
Well, it's not like
anything's going to happen.
Look, I worked for
one of those stripper companies
in my pathetic early twenties,
I know what goes on.
Yeah, but you said it wasn't his idea.
No, but he should tell them
that he doesn't want it
and make them cancel
if he had any balls.
I don't blame you. I'd be furious.
Besides, it's really tacky.
Yeah, I know. I mean, he should
respect my feelings. He should.
He should respect them
and if it bugs me that much,
then you know, it's not worth it.
Don't you trust him?
- I don't trust anybody I'm in love with.
- Oh, Jamie, please.
You don't actually think
that Jerry's going to have sex
with some bimbo at a pool hall?
He's not the type.
But he's going to fantasise about it.
I think it is really twisted that
three days before he marries me
he's off there staring at another woman,
thinking about screwing her.
- But that's not the point.
- No, it is the point. Aren't I enough?
You don't stop fantasising
once you get married. Believe me.
Well, I just want him
to fantasise about me.
Okay. You want me to call up some
big, greasy hunk
and have him come over here
and dance around in a Speedo?
No, no, no. I would hate that.
Men are so simplistic.
It takes a little more to excite me
than some naked moron
dancing around for money.
It doesn't take a stripper for him
to fantasise about somebody else.
The first thing that most men do
when they see an attractive woman
is imagine her naked.
I read in my psych class that a man
thinks about sex every 12 seconds.
How do they get anything done?
I wonder how many erections
do they have a day?
Hundreds.
What ever made me think that
I could be in another relationship?
I mean, I am obviously too neurotic.
I'm not gonna go through with it.
A lot of people
stop their weddings at the last minute.
- Jamie...
- No, I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
Fuck it!
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm cold.
- We're having pizza.
- I love your pizza.
Well, let's have pizza.
- I want some pizza.
- Pig out.
Isn't it beautiful today?
- Hamburger?
- No.
Jerry is crazy about you.
- Yeah.
- Just like Bob was crazy about me?
- Bob was an asshole.
- Bob was an asshole.
Thanks all of you for telling me that
before I married him.
Hey, I told you. You didn't listen.
- You hate everybody.
- I like Jerry.
- Got any ginger ale?
- You just told me that you'd be furious.
Well, yeah, but I mean, that doesn't
mean I don't think he's a good guy.
He's not like Bob or anything.
This smells like feet. Smell that.
Yeah, well, I picked Bob.
I picked Victor, for that matter.
- Hey, did you bring your dress?
- How can I trust myself?
- Did you bring your dress?
- Yeah, it's in the car.
- Somebody might steal it.
- Who cares?
- Is it white?
- No. It's bone.
I was just thinking how funny it would be
if we all just, you know,
wore the same bridesmaid's dresses
- from your last wedding.
- Oh, God.
I let my goddaughter
cut mine up for doll clothes.
- I burnt mine.
- Oh, come on. They weren't that bad.
Are you kidding? With those sashes?
We looked like we were on Hee Haw.
Oh, God, they were perfect for the time.
Come on.
They were really bad.
I was just looking at the pictures.
You have the...
Oh, my God. I threw mine out.
- Go get them.
- Get them. Come on, Georgina. Please.
- Please, please.
- Please, please.
Okay. Somebody make
another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll make the margaritas.
What?
Georg has a crush
on a guy she works with.
- What?
- What?
- She told me. He's her sous chef.
- What about Chris?
I don't know.
I'm just telling you what she told me.
Hey.
- What you doing?
- Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you.
Hop in a minute.
No. Chris, I can't.
I can't. Everybody's here.
- So? It's more exciting that way.
- No. Really, I can't.
Excuse me for wanting a little affection.
Well, I think it's a
little unrealistic of you
to expect me to
just jump into bed with you
when all my friends are here.
Are you mad at me or something?
I mean...
I'm just preoccupied, you know.
I'm trying to throw a bachelorette party
for somebody who just decided
not to get married.
Why?
She's mad at Jerry and, I don't know,
I think she's just scared.
She's such a drama queen, man.
You don't even know
the whole story, Chris.
You know, she's genuinely upset.
I wish you were as understanding
with me as you are with your friends.
I'm just trying to make everybody happy.
Will you come out and join us soon?
I don't really feel like being around
everybody right now.
I'm not feeling that great.
Well, get some rest.
Here it is.
Look at this.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Look how fat I am.
- You look stunning in that dress.
Why did you make me wear pink?
I can't believe it.
- Look how small your boobs are.
- I know.
God, look at my ugly hair.
Look at my ugly husband.
He wasn't ugly.
- Yes, he was.
- Yes, he was.
God, he was an alcoholic leprechaun.
You know, my taste in men stinks.
My taste in dresses stinks.
I just have terrible judgment
about everything.
No, not anymore.
You wouldn't marry an abusive liar
like Victor now, would you?
She wouldn't
have married him in the first place
if she'd known he was already married
to someone else.
Come on, don't remind me.
The only reason I married him
is because he was
so completely different than Victor.
That's why I'm fucking Randy. I mean,
he's even more fucked up than Mark.
- I do everything ass backwards.
- What did she just say?
Something about
Mark fucking her in the ass.
I didn't know Mark had it in him.
- I didn't think Bob was that bad.
- Oh, God. He was withholding and cold.
I'd rather be screamed at than ignored.
Well, Jerry certainly doesn't ignore you.
Yeah. He worships you. It's sickening.
- Is that my car alarm?
- There goes your dress.
Jesus.
I guess she still wants her dress.
- Here it is.
- It's pretty.
- Nice.
- It's beautiful.
It's not bone, it's champagne.
- I hope I can return it. I had it altered.
- Try it on.
I mean,
since we're not gonna get to see it later.
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- Just try it on.
- Put it on.
Try it on.
Okay.
This is just her insecurity
getting the best of her.
I mean, after all, she's gotten
all her validation from her looks
and now she's getting older.
Maybe she's just
having second thoughts about him.
I remember waking up
and finding Don totally repulsive
right before we got married
and then I accused him
of not loving me.
- That's awful.
- It's normal.
What are you guys whispering about?
Just wondering
if you invited Bob to the wedding.
Very funny.
Did I tell you that I found out that
he did get married again?
That explains
that stupid annulment attempt.
What?
Yeah. I get this letter from his priest
asking me to sign something
that says that we were never married
in the eyes of God
because we didn't have
a Catholic wedding.
- What a hypocrite.
- What did you say?
Well, I said,
"As long as you're having
my marriage annulled,"
"can I have my herpes annulled, too?"
- Bob gave you herpes?
- Yeah. Ironic?
After all those sleaze bags
that I slept with in my twenties,
and then I get it from
my boring little ex-husband.
Oh, that's beautiful.
- You look beautiful.
- So beautiful.
Oh, wait! I forgot my shoes.
I am not accusing you of anything!
I asked you one simple question!
Well, I'm sick of
your goddamn questions!
I saw you talking to her! I saw you!
Georgina, your neighbours
are about to kill each other.
I would rather talk to her than you,
goddamn it.
- She's in her underwear.
- Fuck you!
- Oh, my God. She just slapped him.
- Good. He's a pig.
- How do you know?
- You can tell by looking at him.
- I'm sick of you! Stop it!
- Bitch!
I just wanna talk to you!
God, what is your problem?
- I said I'm sorry! Don't go! Please!
- Get away from me.
I wanna talk to you. Stay here.
- Get away!
- Let him go!
- No! No!
- Get off my goddamn car!
Stay here! I just wanna talk to you!
No! I love you!
- She's so desperate.
- She is crazy.
They do this all the time.
That's marriage for you.
- My marriage isn't like that.
- Are you happily married, Jill?
Tell me honestly, are you?
She's never happy.
It has nothing to do with her marriage.
Jamie, for God's sakes.
You don't understand. I've done that.
- When?
- With Bob.
What did you do?
Well, it was just the lowest point
in my whole life.
Bob had moved out, and there I was
holed up in our newly decorated house
which, by that time,
seemed like Amityville.
He called to say that he was coming by
to pick up some of his stuff.
I don't know what I was thinking but
I had it in my head I would seduce him
and he would want me back.
Bob.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm taking my pots.
What?
The pots are mine.
The plants are yours.
Bob, the plants are gonna die.
- Get some new pots.
- Have you lost your mind?
Bob, look at me.
What are you doing outside
in your underwear?
- Go inside.
- I can't believe this.
You don't even come in and say hello.
The neighbours can see you.
Bob.
Go inside. I'll be in in a minute.
Honey, don't be like this. Talk to me.
I've said everything.
Why are you running around like that?
Put some clothes on.
Give it to me.
You've broken the bloody flag!
Jesus. Jesus, Bob.
You said we were gonna be friends.
So, how's work?
Fine. They're doing a movie
of Hogan's Heroes and I got a call-back.
That's great.
Bob, honey.
- Jamie, stop it.
- I miss you.
I'm late.
I don't understand
how you can just suddenly hate me.
I don't hate you.
I don't feel anything for you at all.
Yes, you do!
- Haven't you any pride?
- Bob, Bob.
Bob?
- Hi.
- Who are you?
I'm Jeff from Greenpeace.
"You might have heard about us."
"We are the largest
environmental organisation in the world."
"We are famous for our work with
whales, seals and ocean pollution."
And I live up in the green house
at the top of the street.
- My mom's at a neighbourhood watch.
- Right.
"Did you know
that whales are still being hunted"
"in certain unpatrolled waters"
"and brutally slaughtered?"
It's okay though.
Ma'am, you...
Ma'am, contributions...
"Contributions of $25 or more
"from generous people like you help us
stop the useless and cruel clubbing
"of innocent baby harp seals
"which are primarily used
to make cheap"...
These cheap key chains.
Stop, stop. Come on in.
I'll write you a cheque.
Let me get my purse.
Okay. I'm gonna find it.
Oh, I remember your mom now.
Jackie, right?
- Janet.
- Right.
Damn it, where is it?
This place is such a mess.
Excuse me.
Here I am, wandering around like this.
Are you all right?
You seem a little bummed.
You could say that.
That's too bad.
You look really nice
in that thing, anyway.
Thank you.
There's my purse.
- Okay.
- Could you hand it to me?
Sure.
- Is "Greenpeace" one word?
- Yeah. Here.
Here.
Thanks. That's very generous of you.
Look, do you want to
get something to eat or something...
That's very sweet of you,
but you better get back to your work.
Yeah.
Look, have a nice evening.
- Thanks. Say hello to your mom.
- Okay.
You actually said that,
"Say hi to your mom"?
Can you believe it?
Get off my goddamn car, Kim!
- I love you!
- Kim, get in the house!
- Oh, my God!
- What?
The pizzas!
- Oh, shit.
- Shit.
Oh, no!
Put it out.
Oh, no. What a waste.
They're horrible.
So what? We'll get takeout.
No, but these would've been
so much better.
You better change out of that dress.
- Was the sex good?
- Yeah. Untie me.
You know,
it was like when you're starving
and you want a big, greasy hamburger,
but, you know, later you feel sick.
That's so hot to
have a young, beautiful boy
totally dependent on you
to tell him what to do.
- This guy knew what to do, believe me.
- I'd like a young boy on my pizza.
- But will a young boy like you?
- Hey, I'm not dead yet.
You know, I remember freaking out
right before I married Don
because I would never
be able to have sex with anybody else
for the rest of my life,
let alone kiss anybody.
- Do you think that's what's scaring you?
- No, I've kissed enough people.
Besides, I don't feel restricted with
Jerry. I mean, he's very experimental.
You ready
to give somebody like that up?
He's probably off experimenting
with some sleazy stripper right now.
So how much you think
that jukebox takes in?
- Per night or per month?
- Whatever.
Well, you figure four songs for a dollar,
song's three, four minutes long.
- It's active six hours a night.
- It's about 100 songs an evening.
Is that a Wednesday night
or a Saturday night?
We're talking aggregate.
We're talking a whole week.
- Nobody said aggregate.
- We're speaking aggregate.
Check it out.
$132.50 a week.
You know who was really kinky
- was Jay.
- Jay?
He was the first person
who ever spanked me.
Oh, Jesus.
Do we really have to hear this?
It was so much fun.
The big jerk. I still hate him.
Why don't you call him
and hang up on him?
I can't.
I drove him to an unlisted number.
Are you serious?
Jill, that is so immature.
What did he do to you?
For one thing, he tried to have
a three-way with me and Jamie.
When we said no, he broke up with me
and tried to go out with Jamie.
- True.
- I didn't know that.
What made Jay think you guys
would have a three-way with him?
You two are so coy.
What?
- Nothing.
- What?
No, it was just something that happened
once when we were both at UCLA.
- It was stupid.
- Stupid.
- I've heard this story.
- How come I didn't hear it?
You were at Mount Holypoke,
or whatever that hoity-toity school was.
Hey, didn't you have
any nubile lesbian experiences there?
Shut up! Yeah, sure. You know I didn't.
Stop changing the subject.
What happened when you guys
were at UCLA?
- It's too personal.
- Now, that's a first.
- Come on, tell!
- No, it was stupid.
- I'll tell.
- You slut.
We were living in that building in Palms.
And Jamie was dating
this guy from USC...
Well, she wasn't dating him.
She was exploiting him.
Come on, he was cute,
but nobody you'd ever fall in love with.
So, it didn't matter. It was the '70s.
There was no AIDS.
Everybody was fucking each other
and wearing too much lip gloss.
He looked kind of like
a Jewish Jim Morrison.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
Shit.
I can't believe
you guys had a three-way.
Was it great?
No, it was stupid.
We knew each other too well.
It was kind of incestuous.
What ever happened to him?
He's an agent with
the William Morris Agency.
Rachel, can I borrow your comb?
God, I remember, we had to go to
Frederick's of Hollywood
to get those garter belts.
You couldn't even get, like, sexy lingerie
in department stores then.
- Who even wears garter belts anymore?
- I do.
You slut.
You know what I hate
is that cheesy lingerie catalogue.
I know.
They're all air-brushed and perfect.
- No one looks like that.
- I do.
Those perfect little models with those
teddies on that nobody ever wears.
There's never a drop of discharge
on them.
It makes me feel so inadequate.
Do you remember when we talked Mom
into buying that first black bra?
Oh, God, she thought it was so racy.
That was the time
we went shopping for your first bra.
- I was so jealous of you.
- I developed first.
- You're older.
- Not by much.
What?
- We tried...
- What?
Come on, spit it out.
We finally convinced her
to try a tampon.
And she didn't know that she was
supposed to take the applicator out.
So she left it in. And she came out
and she sat on the couch,
and then she shot six feet in the air.
- Jill, Jill.
- What is that?
It's the sound my mother makes
when she comes.
- You heard her?
- She heard her mother?
Oh, my God, what if it's Randy?
- Oh, Marcy, for God's sake.
- Relax.
Don't open the door.
Sorry.
It's the pizza.
- Good, I'm starving.
- I'm stuffed.
Let me get you some money.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my God. Don't let Jamie near him.
- Is this a joke? Are you a stripper?
- Pardon?
Don't listen to her. Here.
- Keep the change.
- Thanks.
- Guys having a party?
- No, Jamie's getting married.
- No, I'm not.
- Third time.
Thanks, Jill.
Wait a minute. I know you.
You were in Cadet Academy.
- Am I right? That was you, right?
- Yeah, I'm afraid it was. Yeah.
Shut up.
You looked so cute in that uniform.
You were my favourite cadet.
Thanks.
Well, hey, congratulations.
- Thanks.
- See you.
Bye.
- Oh, my God! He was cute.
- Yeah, like a Michelangelo.
I need to pee.
You see?
I bet you had a fantasy going about him.
No, I didn't.
I can admire somebody's looks
without having to see them naked.
- I'd like to see him naked.
- What?
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Club soda and salt. Quick!
Hey.
Calm down, it's just me.
I'm sorry. I came out the wrong door.
- I'm sorry. I forgot you were in here.
- Nice dress.
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
- It's from Loehmann's.
- Loehmann's?
Oh, God. My mom used to
take me there when I was little.
She still thinks
those open changing rooms
are the cause of me being a lesbian.
Are you serious?
No.
I better get back.
Yeah, right. Okay.
Don't worry. We got it out.
We really did. See, it'll never show.
Besides, it's right where
you hold your flowers.
I mean, you know, if...
It's just another sign.
- Jamie, don't be ridiculous.
- What are you doing?
- I don't eat cheese.
- Since when?
After I broke up with Mark.
Got a colonic.
Mark used to tell me I have these
saddle bags and a Christmas package.
Now what is a Christmas package?
That bulge that starts at your pubic hair.
Mark used to call it
my Christmas package.
What a jerk. You have a great body.
Thank you. It doesn't matter.
Now if anybody tells me I'm fat,
I just feel like killing myself.
I know what you mean.
I can't even masturbate when I feel fat.
Everything with you
always comes back to sex.
You know when I hate myself,
I still masturbate
but I have really masochistic fantasies.
You see? You think you're gonna stop
doing that just 'cause you get married?
No, but they're abstract.
They're not about anybody in particular.
I went out with
this really smug French guy once
who thought
he knew everything about women.
I gotta pee now.
And he insisted that
all women have one fantasy.
A man comes home, he brings roses
and champagne to his woman,
then he tells her that he loves her...
- Are you sure he wasn't Italian?
- He was European.
He tells her that he loves her
and she's the most beautiful thing
in the world.
- And that's it.
- Sounds good to me.
I hate roses.
My fantasies are so much more explicit.
I mean, I disgust myself sometimes.
Did you guys read that Nancy Friday
book My Secret Garden of Fantasies?
I read that.
It's broken into all kinds of categories,
you know, sadomasochism and incest.
There's even an animal category.
You know, Victor tried to hump
his cocker spaniel, Lucky,
- when he was little.
- No! Did he really?
- That's disgusting.
- Yuck!
- What?
- Tina farted!
You know, I remember
that Nancy Friday book.
There was this nun fantasy in it
that was really perverse.
Please don't say anything about a nun.
There's nothing sexy about a nun.
Come on. I'd like to look up
some nun's habit and pleasure her.
I did a nun once. An ex-nun.
And she lost her virginity
to her mother superior.
Some of my fantasies are so weird.
- I wonder where they come from.
- Twisted childhoods.
You didn't have a twisted childhood.
I always feel guilty
after my masochistic fantasies.
I don't know. What do you do
when you're politically correct
but your masturbation fantasies aren't?
- I just hate any kind of pain.
- It's not about pain.
I'm sorry.
- I didn't know you were still in here.
- It's all yours.
I got something on my shirt.
I gotta go change.
- I knew it! You are smoking again.
- Mind your own business!
- This is my first one in six months.
- Oh, God.
I've had a very long stressful day
and it's not easy being around you.
Your breath stinks.
Oh, what? What did I do?
Just because
I don't want to take care of you
when you're riddled with emphysema...
- Guys, you're gonna wake up Chris.
- I'm awake.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
Sorry, honey.
- Why didn't you lock the door?
- Jill, stop screaming.
I didn't know you would come
barging in without knocking.
Do you remember
how Desi used to spank Lucy?
Yeah!
I thought that I would grow up to
have a husband who spanked me.
Oh! Do you know
what used to get to me was Catwoman.
Remember... Remember she used to tie
people up?
I told my parents
that when I watched that,
it made me feel all funny inside.
They made me stop watching it.
Rachel and I have these cousins,
twin boys.
And whenever they came over,
we used to play this secret game
where they tied me up.
I loved it! "Let me go, let me go!"
Michael and Mitchell used to tie you up?
Where was I?
I don't know. You were amusing the
adults with an impromptu piano recital.
I didn't even masturbate
until after I had sex.
Are you kidding?
I started when I was four.
- Four?
- Four?
My babysitter caught me
humping my Mother Goose book.
I've never found a dick
as hard as that book.
Hey, I never masturbated until I read
that book, Our Bodies, Ourselves.
- Oh, I read that.
- I read that.
I had to get out a mirror
and find my clitoris and everything!
Did you really do that?
I couldn't find it.
- Is it clitoris or is it clitoris?
- Clitoris.
Wanna know something else?
I don't think I've ever had an orgasm
during sex.
- Really?
- What!
I don't think so.
You know, I bet those systems analysts
are talking about sex right now.
What's the least amount of money
you would stick your hand in a toilet for?
That depends! We talking about
my toilet or somebody else's toilet?
Yeah, and is it clean
or does it have turds floating in it?
We're talking about a clean public toilet.
Would you go after a quarter?
- No, I wouldn't go after a quarter.
- Would you go after $5?
- No.
- I'd go after $5.
- How about $10?
- No.
How about $20?
Yes.
I don't really like vibrators.
They make me feel awkward.
Yeah, I've never owned a vibrator.
Did you know that Mom sent me one
when I was at UCLA
and Tom dumped me?
Mother sent you a vibrator?
She wanted me to be satisfied
but not sleep around.
My gosh! My mom
would never send me a vibrator.
Oh, she'd just gotten divorced.
She was going through her...
She never sent me a vibrator.
I believe you were too busy
comforting Daddy
and not speaking to her at the time.
Well, somebody had to.
He was devastated.
Oh, thank God
his favourite daughter was around.
Oh, let's please not start that.
You know what?
I used to have this little pillow
when I was little
with a little happy face on it
and I used to make out with it
and pretend it was David Cassidy.
- You were obsessed with him!
- We all were.
You know, I had the most erotic dream
about him once.
I did. I know it doesn't sound like much,
but it's probably
the sexiest dream I ever had.
So? Come on.
Well...
He's at the top
of this really long flight of stairs.
And I felt like I had to climb forever.
And then when I got there,
he was wearing these leather pants
and his
thing was out.
It was really big.
How big was it?
What?
What?
It's hard to explain
but it was really erotic.
I had this dream that I had sex
with Andy Rooney in a bathtub!
Disgusting.
You know what I loved
about David Cassidy?
He had no visible body hair.
You know,
I remember thinking when I was little
that I'd never like one of those
big furry grown-ups like my father.
- Like your husband, you mean.
- I was just about to say that.
Hey! Shut up!
- At least he's not bald.
- Hey, come on, Jerry's not bald.
- His hairline's very distinctive.
- Oh, God, she's defending him.
He's not bald!
All right, wait,
I was gonna say something.
Oh, yes. Please say something.
You've been so quiet all evening.
God.
You know, there are some hairy men
that I find attractive.
How about Sonny in The Godfather?
Oh, yes, up against the door, page 27.
- 26.
- No, 27.
I used to read it on the phone
to Brad Fertini in junior high school.
- Oh, I remember him!
- He made me, over and over again.
He had bad skin, right?
You know, there's something
about those gangsters
that was such a turn-on.
That was
my biggest masturbation fantasy
when I was in high school.
I picture that den in The Godfather
with all those men in it.
I've cheated on the Don's son
and the family finds out.
So they bring me into the room
and the Don decides
I must be punished.
Sometimes he rubs an ice cube
on my butt because it's so sore.
Gee, thanks for sharing.
I can't believe
you just told that to everybody.
What do you mean everybody?
Jeez, I've known you guys
practically my whole life.
I can't share one little sex fantasy?
You know, that is why
we are so messed up.
Because we're too ashamed
to reveal ourselves.
That's why my fantasy is about
being punished, because I'm ashamed.
Don't you get it?
I mean, we're women,
so we're supposed to be pure.
- We're not supposed to have fantasies.
- Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down!
We're supposed to be
up on this pedestal.
Calm down. I'm glad that you told it.
Yes, it's very reassuring to know
that there's someone else
who is a little bit
more of a pervert than I am.
I am not a pervert!
Okay, okay, okay. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right?
- Men like to be spanked, too.
- That's right.
I mean, it's that whole dominatrix thing.
It's very, very common.
Maybe in England.
But I don't like being the spanker.
I only like to be the spankee.
- I like getting a spanking.
- Why?
It's fun. Me and Jamie do it all the time.
I don't want to get spanked. It hurts.
- Your parents spank you?
- Yeah, my dad does.
- You wanna see something?
- Okay.
Where'd you get this?
It was in your dad's bedroom,
in the cupboard.
Jill, put it back.
We're gonna get in trouble.
- Why?
- 'Cause those magazines are for men.
So?
- Look at her boobies.
- They're gross.
Men like them like that.
Where did you get this magazine?
- It was in your husband's bathroom.
- What?
- I was looking for toilet...
- Jill, you go home.
Git!
And you, young lady, can stay in
your room until your father gets home.
God!
Bend over and pull down your pants.
Do you think people
have spanking fantasies
in countries
that don't use corporal punishment?
I have a domination fantasy.
Do tell.
I make my cretin supervisor
clean the bathroom.
Rachel, that's an intellectual fantasy,
not a sexual one.
Well...
I guess.
My therapist says that
acting out some fantasies
with a partner you trust
is actually quite healthy.
- As long as nobody gets hurt.
- Right.
You know,
Randy likes playing those games.
Really? What does he do, paint you?
No. No, he's an actor,
so he likes to get into character
and pretend we're different people.
One time, he played doctor,
and he shaved off all my pubic hair.
It was really erotic at the time,
but now it's growing back in
and it's really itchy.
I let this guy do it to me once and
I forgot and I went to get a Pap smear.
It was so embarrassing!
I didn't know anything embarrassed you.
- I had a crush on my gynaecologist.
- Oh, that's gross.
Can we please talk about something
other than sex for five minutes?
Okay, fine. Let's talk about sex.
What is wrong with talking about sex?
- Don't you think about sex?
- Of course, I do.
So, what turns you on?
Right. You'll just make fun of me.
No, I really wanna know. I won't.
Well, I don't have anything
that compares to yours.
- Oh, come on. Rachel, spill it.
- Rachel, come on.
All right.
Don't laugh.
But it has to do with shopping.
I admit I'm a bit of a materialist!
Anyway, this man takes me
to a really expensive store,
and he picks clothes out for me.
He is completely in control.
And he decides everything,
right down to the Christian Dior teddy.
And then he
makes me model everything.
That's it?
That...
You masturbate to that?
I didn't say that.
I'm just trying to figure out
at what point do you come?
When the clerk says,
"That'll be $2,750"?
Will you stop making... See, I can't
tell anything in front of Jill.
I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out
how we turned out so different.
No, really. Seriously, Rachel, I mean.
Do you really think
that's a masturbation fantasy?
I never said that.
What, you don't masturbate?
Well, as a matter of fact, I don't.
- Really?
- Never?
What's the big deal?
I just never wanted to.
I just don't like touching myself there.
How can we be sisters?
You know,
my mother doesn't masturbate.
- How do you know?
- We tell each other everything.
I mean, she has no sex life,
not since my parents got divorced.
- And she doesn't masturbate.
- That's a generational thing.
- I think that's sad.
- I think a lot of women are like that.
You know,
my mother never talks about sex.
But she did tell me once that
she thinks that oral sex is disgusting.
- Oh, I had my first orgasm with oral sex.
- Me, too, after the prom.
You know, I think I was allergic
to Mark's sperm.
When it got on my face,
it gave me a rash.
I kind of enjoyed giving head to men.
- So which is better?
- Men or women?
I don't know. They're very different.
I really enjoyed having sex with men,
but I...
I would have to say
that I prefer sex with women. It's...
Women are great. I think
they're great in every way, you know.
Sexually and emotionally
I feel more of a bond with women. I do.
I mean, sex is sex,
but I guess when it's all over
I would rather hang out with a woman.
You know, I think I like hanging out
with you guys
better than any guy I've ever dated.
Yeah.
- I need some sugar.
- I should check my machine.
More chocolate.
- Oh, my God, Randy called.
- So?
- He's furious.
- Well, don't let him intimidate you.
Could you grab the napkins
and the ice cream, please?
- I'll just get this out of the way.
- That is so beautiful.
- Did Chris make that?
- Yep.
She is so talented.
Jerome loves carrot cake.
Oh, screw him.
You're not really
gonna cancel your wedding, are you?
Ice cream's melting.
Jesus, Marcy.
He said on my machine
he was gonna call me here.
- It's not Randy.
- That's creepy.
Maybe we should call the police.
Hello?
- No, Randy, she's not here.
- Oh, my gosh.
Well, I don't care
if you did see her car in the driveway.
Look, if you show your face
on my property,
I'll have you arrested so fast
that your head will spin. Now, goodbye.
- Slumber party massacre.
- What're we gonna do?
No, nothing. He's all bark, honey.
You don't understand. He... He... He...
- What?
- He threatened to blackmail me.
- About what?
- What?
You guys, I did something so stupid.
- What? What is it?
- Marcy, what?
I can't tell you. It's too embarrassing.
- Come on, you gotta be kidding.
- Marcy.
It was so stupid. It was just so stupid.
What?
I let him take pictures of me.
Really explicit pictures.
- Oh, Marcy.
- That was not a good idea.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
He threatened to mail them
to my parents!
I am the stupidest person
that ever lived.
How could I have ever liked him?
What's wrong with me?
My parents would have a heart attack
if they even knew I was seeing him.
How could you go
from a nice, normal attorney
to a psychotic house painter?
- Oh, Mark was a scumbag.
- Oh, God, I know.
I can't believe I wasted six years on him.
What did poor Mark do?
Oh, it's so unsavoury.
You know, after all those years
of refusing to really commit to our
relationship but still stringing me along,
I found out something really awful
about him.
- What?
- What?
Oh, he was getting hand jobs
at a massage parlour in Van Nuys.
Are you serious?
Yeah, he said it helped him relax
after his racquetball games.
That's awful. How did you find out?
When I was doing his taxes.
He saved the receipts
to write off as a business expense.
What a scum!
That's not deductible.
- I never liked him.
- My parents were in love with him.
Oh, forget about your parents
for God's sakes.
You know, that is your problem.
You've been a good girl your whole life.
I guess that's true.
When I was a little girl,
we'd go on road trips.
My mother used to always tell me
never to use a rest stop alone,
'cause there might be a rapist in there
waiting for me.
It's so weird but something about
the idea of my very own rapist
used to really excite me.
Sometimes I'd imagine myself,
all grown up and traveling alone.
And I had to pee so bad
I just couldn't help it.
I've been waiting for you, darling.
Isn't that awful?
I didn't even know what a rapist was.
He just kissed me and then asked
if he could watch me pee.
Did you know that on my soap,
the rapist got the most fan mail
from women?
Well, look at Luke on General Hospital.
Laura married him after he raped her.
Yeah, and then
he became the biggest deal.
That's weird.
You know what really bugs me
is in the movies,
you always see little boys jerking off
to dirty postcards and everything,
but you never see
any little girls have any sexuality at all.
- That would scare people.
- It's just like that whole stripper thing.
I mean, I really thought
that Jerry was evolved,
but he is out there, as we speak,
oogling some unemployed actress
in a dirty thong.
- Ogling.
- How did we get back on this subject?
You guys, should I call over there
and see if she's been there yet?
- Yes.
- No.
I'm going to.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- The bridesmaid's dress.
- That is hideous.
How did we ever go out in public
in that?
- Where did you find it?
- Mothball section.
You guys been talking about sex
all evening?
I kept hearing
little snatches of your conversation.
No pun intended.
It was giving me the wildest dreams.
Oh, hello.
I sent one of my girls over this evening
to do a strip for a few gentlemen.
I just wanted to know
if she arrived there okay.
I think I see her.
Cute.
Chris, your cake is fabulous.
I can't stop eating it.
Well, that's it.
The wedding's off, and I mean it.
What was that?
Oh, my God, it's Randy's El Camino.
He's here.
He's here.
- I said he's here! What're we gonna do?
- Call the police.
Who is it?
That bozo
who wanted to paint the house.
He wants to paint the house
at this hour?
No, he's been stalking Marcy.
- Whoever he is, he's in the backyard.
- That little fucker! I'm gonna get him.
- Oh, my God.
- Chris, no!
I got pepper spray!
You're dead!
Chris, oh, my God, that's the pool man.
- Jesus!
- Are you okay?
That's not Randy.
Here, why don't you
have some carrot cake?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Here, Chris baked it.
- This is my favourite.
- It's delicious.
- I'm sorry.
- We thought you were someone else.
- Who, the bogeyman?
- No, a friend of Marcy's.
- He's not really a friend of mine.
- He's actually my house painter.
- Oh, you naughty girl.
You wanna see a picture of him?
I just happen to have one handy.
So, now he's basically stalking me.
He's cute.
- Who is it?
- Oh, God, he's here.
Jesus, I'll get it.
I'd better handle this. She'll kill him.
May I help you?
- Who the hell are you?
- Mr French.
Where's Marcy?
She's taking a long hot soak in the tub,
and she's not receiving
any gentleman callers.
What are you, some kind of a fag?
Tell Marcy
to get her butt out here right now.
Listen, you little soap opera reject,
if you come near that woman again
I'm gonna smash your
pretty little face in. Do you understand?
Right, just let me go, all right?
Slut.
And I really loved her.
Marcy!
Hey, Marcy!
Oh, God, he's a method actor.
Marcy!
- Marcy!
- Don't!
He is cute.
Randy.
What's your problem?
You won't even take my calls. Why?
What, all of a sudden
I have cooties now?
No. No. No. It's just that I...
I told you once already how I feel
and it's kind of hard for me to...
Blow people off?
Look, Randy, I don't know
why you're so upset.
I didn't sense that much of
an emotional involvement from you.
Really?
Well, you haven't been paying
much attention then, have you?
So, what, ultimately, I'm just
not good enough for you, is that it?
You know what? You don't really want to
be involved with me. I'm really a mess.
Christ, I hate that old line.
You don't wanna be involved with me
because your parents would shit
if they knew their little princess
was boning a house painter.
Well, you might not think
I have any potential,
but you're gonna feel pretty stupid
when I become famous and you see
you're gonna miss out big time.
I'm sure I will.
- Yeah, right.
- No, I'm...
Randy, I'm really sorry you're upset.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
You used me.
You just wanted to sleep with me
like I was some kind of a bimbo
or something.
No. No, I...
I just thought we were having fun.
Yeah, well, whatever.
You have a nice life.
Oh, you, too.
And good luck with your career.
I'll look forward
to seeing you on the big screen.
Can I have
a goodbye kiss or something?
Of course.
Who's that?
Brandy.
Well, take care.
Yeah, you, too, babe.
Now, let me get this straight,
sweetheart.
- You're dumping this gorgeous...
- Easy on the tequila, Marcy.
Very intelligent-looking man,
because his horny little friend
hired a stripper?
I just don't feel like
making myself vulnerable
to getting trashed again.
Why'd you get involved with him
in the first place?
Well, I keep thinking that I'll change,
that I'll get more secure.
It's so hard to risk
getting intimate time and time again.
Taking my clothes off
in front of somebody for the first time.
Explaining my breast implants.
- Those aren't real?
- No, unfortunately.
You know,
sometimes I imagine my coffin.
When the rest of me is decomposed,
there's these two little bags of silicone.
I mean, they're just sitting there
in that pine box.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, Jesus.
You have every reason to be happy
right now and listen to you.
Do you think maybe
you're just not in love with Jerry?
He's the best guy I've ever been with!
I'd give anything in the world if I could
find a nice Jewish boy and settle down.
He's so cute
- with those round little glasses.
- Oh, God!
- You're so funny.
- Marcy.
It's been fun, girls. We must do it again.
He's so funny.
- You're drunk, girlfriend.
- Oh, no, I'm just relaxed.
Jamie, you marry that boy.
He sounds like heaven on a stick.
- Bye-bye.
- Take care.
Night.
Jill, that's Tina's blanket.
So? It's cosy.
That's gross.
Let's stick her hand in my ginger ale
and see if she pees.
Oh, she looks like a little child,
doesn't she?
Oh, lucky her to be so innocent!
- Marcy.
- Oh, God.
Give me that. Give it to me.
I'm so tired.
It's late.
It's time to hit the hay.
I can't believe he hasn't even called.
I didn't get any message
about a cancellation.
I'm sorry. We left it on your service.
I drove here
all the way from Simi Valley.
What, you guys
don't like the way I look?
No, no, no. No way.
You're terrific.
He just
doesn't want to upset his fiance.
- Hey!
- Turn it off.
- It's the new direct digital sound.
- Look,
I'm sorry about the confusion.
Personally, I'd still like to see the show.
Well, then, when you get married,
why don't you give me a call?
Who is this? It's 3:00 a.m.
Hello? Hi, Jerry.
Yeah, hang on a second.
- Jamie, Jerry's on the phone.
- Tell him I hate him.
Jamie.
Your bathroom mirrors
are making me suicidal.
Hello?
Hey, you guys, listen,
I didn't want to tell you this before
because I was too embarrassed
- but you know what I did once?
- I'm allergic to down.
There are other blankets, Rachel.
You want me to get you another one?
What? You did?
Of course I believe you.
Oh, Jerry, do you really love me?
You do? I'm so sorry.
No, I am. I am sorry.
Of course, I still wanna marry you.
Don't be ridiculous.
It's just that...
Here's another comforter.
- It's not down.
- So, you guys, listen,
when I was about 12,
when I was first growing pubic hair,
I got out of the shower and it was all wet
and dripping, you know.
Honey, can you talk up? I can't hear.
And Tuffy, our dog,
started licking it because he was thirsty,
and I just let him.
Right on.
Well, we're all just sharing
our sex stories.
Oh, honey, I love you so much. I do.
I wish that I could come home right now
and hop into bed with you.
This whole sort of slumber party's
been fun but it's really exhausting.
And Rachel and Jill, they have been
going at it all night, as usual.
Oh, I can't sleep without you,
bunny face.
Bunny face.
Bye.
He canceled the stripper.
Good, bunny face.
Were you eavesdropping
on that whole conversation?
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to use the bathroom.
No, Marcy, no!
I haven't got the plug in yet.
Marcy, no. Cut it out.
I don't feel well.
Dibs on the sofa.
You always do that.
Why should you get the sofa?
- Motherhood takes precedence.
- Not if she isn't pregnant.
She is pregnant.
I'm sorry. I'm tired, Jill.
I totally spaced.
She hates me.
The wedding's back on.
He's such a good guy.
Even if he does only have one testicle,
he's a hell of a guy!
You are too much.
Great. Now everyone hates me.
I wonder why.
I don't feel very good.
I think I need some fresh air.
Rachel. Please come out.
She's hardly told anyone.
Rachel, come on.
Leave me alone.
Rachel, let me in.
Chris.
Jesus, man, what'd I do now?
Nothing. I'm trying to get Rachel
out of the bathroom. She's upset.
Right.
I'll see you in bed.
- I'm sleeping in the living room.
- What?
I'm the hostess for Christ's sake.
It's a slumber party.
- Why don't you just grow up?
- No, why don't you grow up?
Stop being so fucking possessive.
If you don't like it here, why don't you
just go live someplace else?
Fine.
Shit.
Rachel.
Open the fucking door. Let me in.
- I'm sorry I opened my big mouth.
- No, it's not your fault.
She always finds some way to
hurt me or exclude me
ever since we were born.
I mean, I'm her sister, for God's sake!
Why wouldn't she tell me
something that important?
Because she's confused.
She doesn't even know
what she's gonna do yet.
What do you mean,
what she's gonna do?
Well, she just got Noah
ready for preschool
and she wants to go back
to school herself, you know that.
She's not thinking of having an abortion.
Well, I don't know what she's thinking.
You know,
she hasn't even talked to Don yet.
She is so selfish
to even consider that!
Just for her own convenience?
You know,
that's why she didn't want to tell you.
I'm sorry. I can't understand
how anybody can do that.
You don't know
what it's like to be my age
and just watch your eggs
just walking away from you.
I want a baby more than anything.
Honey.
Okay.
But Jill's life is still her decision.
What makes you think
I don't understand, huh?
I want to have a baby, too.
How could you? I mean...
Rachel, give me a break.
I mean, haven't you ever heard
of a turkey baster for God's sake?
How does Chris feel?
Who knows?
I don't know how I feel
about Chris right now.
- I'm very confused about all that.
- About what?
Everything. I just don't know
what I really want right now.
You know, there's this guy
at work that I really like.
Really?
Yeah. And I find myself
thinking all kinds of stupid things.
You know, like how much easier my life
would be if I were straight, you know?
- How happy my mother would be.
- Oh, your mother.
She wasn't exactly a model mother.
Why do you care what she thinks?
- Yeah, well...
- I'm sorry.
It's okay.
It's just as well
I was here with my grandmother.
But, I mean, you know,
I might like to get married someday
and have kids.
I don't know.
Shit. I am just too old
to be this mixed up.
You poor thing.
I always think of you as
so calm and capable.
I always forget
that you could have problems, too.
I'm okay.
Let's go back in
and join the party, okay?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Okay.
I always wanted to be a ballerina.
I studied for 10 years.
Now I'm just a CPA with duck feet.
You got nice posture.
Thanks.
That's why my mother
wanted me to study it in the first place.
My mom, she tried
to get me to take dance.
I took bowling instead.
Wow. So you knew pretty young.
Well, you know, I mean that...
You know, Georgina was always
just like the rest of us.
Yeah. I know.
I know what you mean, you know.
She's bi, and I'm a dyke.
I knew I was gay when I was five.
I had this really big crush on
Barbara Eden from I Dream of Jeannie.
I love that show! Oh, I love that show!
I used to have this little Jeannie outfit.
I wanted to look just like her.
I wanted to marry her.
Is Barbara Eden gay?
I don't know.
She's not really my type any more.
Yeah.
She hasn't done much lately.
Anyway.
Do you know,
sometimes I've wished I was gay.
It seems like
it would be so much easier.
Why?
I don't know.
Because then
you wouldn't have to deal with men.
Women are so much easier
to get along with.
They're so much more diplomatic.
I've noticed.
I know, but they really love each other.
It's pretty much the same
when you're gay, you know?
You get in the same fights,
the same jealousy and stuff.
It's just less socially acceptable.
Hey, I have a gay third cousin in Seattle.
She married her lover in a big wedding.
They even registered for china.
My mom bought them
a whole place setting.
She's very impressed
with their families.
You seem really sad.
I think Georgina wants to break up.
You know, I've always envied you.
You have the perfect husband,
the perfect kid.
- What do I look like, Mrs Beaver?
- Cleaver.
Don't try to convince her she's happy,
Jamie. She'd rather be tragic.
Oh, listen to Miss Prozac.
Can't you ever keep your mouth shut
about anything?
I'm just so tired of her moods,
you know.
That's so amazing.
I never knew Georgina had moods.
Well, she's great with her friends.
It's just as a lover, you know, it's like,
"come here" one minute,
"go away" the next.
Plus, she's so smart, you know.
And beautiful.
I mean, you know, I'm...
I'm a baker.
I'm just a baker, and she's a chef.
I don't know what she saw in me
to begin with.
Oh, I do.
- I think you're very attractive.
- Please.
No, I do. I...
Hey, if I were a woman...
Or a lesbian...
You know what I mean.
I find you very attractive
because you seem so
comfortable with your sexuality.
You know, Georgina seems more
confused.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you have, like,
a self-awareness thing.
It's very appealing.
I wish I were more like that.
That's a very nice thing for you to say.
Where the hell is Chris?
What, you think I'm jealous of you?
Don't flatter yourself.
Stop! Just leave me alone
and stop picking on me.
You have been picking on me all night!
- She's been picking on everybody!
- Oh, fine!
Let's just all gang up on Jill
when I'm pregnant and I don't feel well!
- All right! All right! Walk away, Jill!
- Nobody's ganging up on you.
Yes, you are!
When you want something
you walk away from me.
- You're such a big baby.
- Here you are.
Yeah, what do you care?
You think I'm some spinster and you
have to lie to me so I don't fall apart?
I've been worried
and I've been looking for you.
Well, if the shoe fits, wear it!
Marcy, for God's sake,
it's 4:00 in the morning. Shut up!
- Stop telling her what to do.
- Chris, you shut up.
- You shut up.
- Hey, don't tell her to shut up!
- Come on in!
- Come on, get in!
- Chris, come on in.
- Rachel's wearing a bra!
Come on!
No!
Now look what you did, you stupid idiot.
I was talking about four...
Watch out, Marcy!
Four, including Jason.
What do you guys think
about Jeff Harland?
He's cute,
but I think David Cassidy's cuter.
- Oh, I think I'm gonna choke!
- No way.