1
So I'm embarrassed about this,
but I have this giant astrology book.
And it says that today,
that my 29th birthday...
...Saturn returns to the place of my birth
and it turns my life upside-down.
It says that Saturn is going to bring
all of my shit to the surface...
...and then I'm going to evolve.
I'm paraphrasing, of course.
I know that change is inevitable.
But what if I don't want things to change?
What if I like my life exactly how it is?
Happy birthday.
I feel old.
You're so old.
Do I look 29?
Yeah, you kind of do.
No, I'm only kidding.
You look like the white J.Lo.
Baby, J.Lo is in her 40s.
- No, she's not.
- Yes, she is.
- J.Io's in her 40s?
- Mm-hm.
What?
I got a surprise.
Blow.
- Now you're gonna get it.
- I can't get it. Heh-heh.
Now you're gonna get it.
You're gonna get it.
Why aren't you ticklish? It's so weird.
- All right, if--
- Okay, okay, I got it. I love you.
- I love you too, Lola. Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
You look very handsome today!
Don't anybody touch him!
He's mine!
Yes, you can die from
drinking too much water.
Yes.
I'll e-mail you the article.
I know, you just have to find a balance. it's--
- Oh, my--!
- Bike lane!
No, Luke's great.
Yeah, he's just been working like crazy
on his solo show.
It's paintings of celebrity sex tapes.
No, Anderson Cooper's not in there.
Should he be?
What--? Are you trying to masturbate?
We just had sex.
- Lola.
- Yes?
Will you marry me?
Do you think there's a magazine
for pregnant brides?
Have you died?!
No, I'm ready.
Dude, you look incredible.
- Don't tell Luke you were here.
- Let me video-chat with him.
What? You've had literally
the same phone since 11th grade.
Whatever. Chicks love old phones.
They think I listen more.
You trying to take maid of honor from me?
I ordered strippers who get naked
to the soundtrack of Glee.
- I'm not listening.
- Can your band play Cee Lo?
- I'm a rock star.
- Ta-ta.
It's a wedding dress! It's a wedding dress!
No, no. Gluten-free chocolate.
Ask about the icing.
What--? Yeah, oh, Raimundo,
is the icing rice-milk based?
- Non-GMO.
- No rice milk.
Non-- Non-GMO.
No, wait-- Hold on.
Hold on, Raimundo, yeah.
I got someone on the other line. Hello?
Oh, hi, hi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Yeah, it's your mom. Again.
Could you please tell her that
we've been planning this for nine months?
- We got it under control.
- Relax, honey.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
- Hi, Mom.
I know, but it's too expensive
if the resort caters it.
Okay, I have to go.
- I love you too. Bye.
- Hey, Alice. Nice dress.
- It's expensive.
- I'm gonna step outside for a minute.
Okay. What's up?
Well, I'm the last single woman
in New York City.
I went to volunteer at
a women's homeless shelter.
They all had boyfriends.
The homeless.
Why don't you date Henry? He's single.
I don't know, Henry is sort of hot,
but he's your best friend.
It would be like fucking you.
I'm gonna find you a guy if it kills me.
What's your Match.com log-in?
Is it still "Let-me-be-your-hole"?
"Let-me-be-your-hole-1
It was taken. The first one was taken.
All right, I'm following the dot,
and the dot--
It's moving all over the place.
- Where is it, Len?
- This way.
Dad, it's on the corner, so you don't need
to use your iPhone to get there.
Okay. Because the iPad,
wouldn't that get us there faster?
- Yeah.
- You are obsessed with this thing.
It's a sickness. Now he plays Scrabble
with strangers online in Milwaukee.
I am retired. Let me soar.
I know this building. Do you remember?
It was a sex dungeon.
Right. Let me search that.
Honey, you're gonna die
when you see these flowers.
I feel like I should just quit school
and start planning weddings.
Honey, what's up? Did you have a stroke?
Oh, no.
What's happened here?
It's comfier on the ground?
You want me to get you something, honey?
Chips.
The issue is that 40 guests
have already bought their tickets...
...for a destination wedding in Chiapas.
Who's going to pay those people back?
Because it's not going to be Lola.
Not when your heartless, shit-eating son decided
to pull the plug and ruin my daughter's life.
Honey, drink the kombucha tea,
it settles the soul.
Screw the kombucha.
Let me buy you something
with high-fructose corn syrup.
You want some nasty cinnamon buns?
I could melt cinnamon buns
and feed them to you intravenously.
No, no, I wonder, you know,
when you started to believe...
...that the mother of the groom
should be involved...
...because it certainly wasn't early on,
when we were making all the plans.
- Than ks.
- Sure.
You added a polar bear lamp.
Yeah, I thrifted it.
Okay, so, um, I--
I know I said I kind of subletted
this apartment to you indefinitely...
...but I'm gonna have
to move back because--
It's okay. I know exactly where this is going
and it's actually perfect.
Because my boyfriend just proposed!
We're gonna move in together.
Oh, my God.
- He had such a beautiful loft.
- Yeah.
- And it's rent-stabilized.
- I know.
My world is shattered, and I'm eating.
I'm power-eating.
- You're eating rice chips.
- That have so much sodium.
Hey, if anything,
you need to be freed, you know?
From the shackles of a steady relationship...
...with an attractive, successful man
who actually enjoys cooking.
Fuck, this is really depressing.
It's just, Luke is my partner in crime.
He's the person I want to wake up with
and I want to go to bed with.
He's the whole reason I went back to school
to get my PhD.
Now I can't even afford to do that
without splitting the bills.
That is not true. You can still go to school.
Work at your mom's restaurant part-time
like after we graduated.
What are we gonna do about our friends?
How do we split them up?
- I mean, you don't really have that many friends.
- That's true.
Except for Henry.
Henry is a mutual friend.
Honestly, Lo, this is good. You know?
You met Luke your junior year abroad.
I mean, you were a baby.
You need to be on your own again...
...dating other people, letting them stick it in,
knowing what that feels like.
You've never been with anyone else.
That's not good for character.
You know? Look at me.
Being single builds character.
Ugh. Oh, I'm sore.
- Who is it?
- Hey, it's Henry.
Okay, come in.
- I gotta go wash my vagina.
- Why?
What, you never just washed your vagina?
- Hi.
- Hi.
This is a consolation lasagna.
Just put it there.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know if you
want to see me right now or...
I don't know if
I want to see you right now.
You look terrible.
I know it's weird.
You don't have to pick a side.
No, I know I don't have to.
Are you serious? You have to pick a side.
You are prettier than him.
And I'm a better person.
So you say.
She's like Mother Teresa!
Only younger.
But not that much younger.
This is number one on Yelp
for best bar in a scary neighborhood.
You're gonna love it.
- It's crowded.
- I'm dressed for a barbecue.
- Okay, let's get a drink.
- Okay.
If I gave you all my heart
Would you take it?
Would you break it?
Would you take it?
Don't matter to me
Hello.
Would you tell me that we're through?
Can't tell me it wasn't true
Excuse me? Bartendress?
Or would you lie to me?
Oh, here she is.
- Good? Good?
- Oh, yeah.
- Good?
- Yeah.
What's happening?
.I'm..
- Let it out.
- I'm having a panic attack.
- Okay, okay. Let's go.
- Okay, okay.
Keep going. Excuse us.
- It's okay.
- Sorry.
Bye!
Sorry. Excuse us.
- You okay? Do I need to call 911?
- No. No.
Okay, look, breathe, breathe.
It's okay. Everything's okay. Look at me.
Slow, slow it down.
Good. It's just a bar, okay?
It's just a bar.
Everything's fine. I'm right here.
Okay?
Can you get me a cab?
Yeah, yeah. Just wait right here.
Hold on, I see one.
Oh, taxi?
Hi. Sorry, can you just wait one second?
Hi. Are you at home?
Do you have any of that tea
that makes you skinny?
No, but I crushed as many amphetamines
as I could in here, so that should do the trick.
I feel like an idiot.
I feel like everyone saw it coming but me.
Nobody saw it. It was like fucking lightning.
- He didn't say anything to you?
- Never.
I mean, all he wanted to do
was have fun when we were out.
I mean, sometimes he'd pretend like he wasn't
in a relationship, but that's what guys do.
It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Did he cheat on me or...?
No.
Hey, he would never.
I feel like men are always looking
for someone better...
...and women are just looking
for whatever works.
Well, I don't feel like that.
I just want to meet someone
I can hang out with all the time...
...eat bologna with, read shit to me.
- I had that person.
- Hey.
Do you remember that time when we did
mushrooms at your parents' country house?
Yeah.
And you made us go into
that swamp full of nasty shit...
...because you thought
we owed it to the plant life?
- The plants needed us.
- Right. And then you were convinced...
...that we wouldn't get out of there,
and I calmed you down...
...by singing that slow version
of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."
We went back in the house and--
Do you remember this story that
I'm telling you again in great detail?
Yeah, it's the best worst night ever.
- What's your point?
- I get you out of swamps.
Hey, it's me again.
It doesn't have to be like this, Lo.
We could still talk
and be in each other's lives, you know?
Hey, it's me again.
You're killing me here.
At least let me know you're okay.
All your stuff is here.
Call me, please.
I haven't changed my underwear
in three days.
Listen, Mom, do you think you could go over
to his place and just pick up my stuff?
I can't do it. I just...
Yeah, just bring it back to my old apartment.
Yeah, use the key that I gave you.
Oh, thank you, Mom.
I love you too.
Okay, I'm gonna go elliptical. Bye.
Yeah, I'll be right there.
You go wild?
What?
- The salmon, did you buy wild?
- Oh.
No, it seems pretty tame to me.
I know there are more important things
to worry about...
...but when you buy fish,
you should try to pay attention to that.
Gotta honor your body, you know?
I'm Nick.
- Hi. Lola.
- Hi.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Anything from Nova Scotia?
Do you shop here a lot?
I can't be picked up right now.
I appreciate the interest,
but I'm in a really bad place.
Gotcha.
I would love to cook you dinner sometime.
Something fresh-caught.
Well, not-- Not by me.
Fresh-bought.
Oh, I don't really like fish.
I'm just eating this because it's salty.
You know, I'm gonna--
I'm gonna give you my number.
You may use it, you may not.
If you do...
...I'm free...
...a week from Friday.
After 7.
But I could do 6:30.
Okay, Leo. "It's time to fasten
your seat belt, kitty cat. Don't hiss at me.
With Uranus, the planet of
lightning-bolt surprises...
...you really never know which way is up.
This is going to be a shitty month."
He said,
"This is going to be a shitty month"?
It's the Voice. They write what they know.
- You know, your mom and I broke up once.
- You did?
Yeah, we decided to date other people.
Seemed like a fun idea, but then we realized
that nobody else really compared.
Heh. Uh...
- Do you think that'll happen to me and Luke?
- No. No, I don't. I hate Luke.
I de-friended him on Facebook already.
He's out.
Thanks.
Okay, love, fuck or kill?
Heh, heh. Hilary Duff, Haylie Duff...
...or any of the Fannings.
You realize they're not related, right?
I'm pretty sure they are.
Wait, I think it's "marry, fuck, kill."
What's--? How--? How is it different?
Because I think the assumption is if you--
After you're married, that you don't fuck.
- Right.
- Yeah.
- I guess I dodged a bullet, then.
- Pfft.
That was--
Ooh.
Wake up.
Oh, shit.
You want breakfast?
No. I have to go.
Here, help me. I have no core.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm sorry to surprise you like this,
but you didn't call me back.
Can I talk to you for a sec?
I'm really late for this meeting.
I don't think I can right now.
Yeah, but, look, wait, wait--
Please, just wait a second?
What's that green thing?
Oh. I'm cleansing.
I drink it out of this thing.
The potion.
- Does it work?
- Yeah, it does.
That's good.
So I'm-- I've been...
...you know, thinking about things and--
I don't know,
I might have acted irrationally.
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
I'm-- I'm confused.
Are you seriously doing this right now...
...right before I have to go in
and argue about my dissertation?
Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
You didn't return my calls.
I've been really busy.
Look, I...
I know this came out of nowhere...
...and I think I was just overwhelmed
by everything that was happening and...
And now I just--
Are you just doing this
because you're lonely?
No.
I just really wanted to see you.
I really...
...have to go.
Wait.
Essentially, I'll be investigating the use
of silence in 19th-century French literature.
- Are you still using the poetry of Mallarm?
- Yes.
I want to really look at his obsession
with the blank page...
...really exploring the ways in which
his verses engender silence.
I would also like to look at silence
in the media and popular culture.
Well, more of the lack thereof.
Just our communal...
...almost deathly fear of silence.
I don't know what I want.
- Should I give you guys some more time?
- We'll be ready in a minute.
Just stand there.
Um...
I'll have the...
...gnocchi and a glass of the "sangreesha."
Do you mean sangria?
I'm-- We don't have that.
- Do you have wine?
- Yes.
Put fruit cocktail in it.
- Go.
- I'll get that for you.
Can you put fruit cocktail
in a glass of wine for me?
- Hey, Randy. How's the bar stock?
- Pretty empty, like my bank account.
- Hey.
- Hi, Mom.
How are you doing, sweetie? You okay?
- I'm choosing to be alive.
- Well, good.
Listen, I have something really important
to talk to you about, all right?
- Okay.
- Okay, not here. Let's--
I was thinking about this in the taxi yesterday
when I was watching that little TV set.
Right.
- It's about freezing.
- Freezing?
Think you might want to think about
freezing the eggs.
The eggs?
- My eggs?
- Yes, those eggs.
Oh, come on, Mom.
I am not gonna have children anytime soon.
Well, exactly my point. You will.
They do it in a great facility. Trust me.
My friend Debbie did it.
She has eggs all over the city.
Six happy children.
Well, one of them's a giant, but very nice.
That's so depressing.
I am already depressed.
- Could you let me grieve, please?
- Grieve, grieve. We're all grieving.
But I'm just trying to think practically
on your behalf.
You're not getting any younger.
They shrivel.
Could we just talk about something else?
I don't fucking know.
Sangreesha, house specialty.
You wanna hear
You broke my heart
You broke my heart
I wanna hear
You're gonna finish what you start
You wanna put
Hell really is bright.
I always forget that Times Square exists.
Yeah, it does.
For all time, it's been here.
All these lights make me nauseous.
I...
I...
- Hi.
- Hi!
Remember when I had a beard
like that in college?
It was awful.
I looked hot.
Poor Alice, she just keeps getting cast
as these peasants.
Was that sign language
she was doing part of the play?
- Or was she translating for someone?
- I don't know.
No, she did this dream therapy workshop...
...where she said her and her character melded
in a past life as a deaf-mute.
Ah. She looked great.
And what was up with the lead guy, Roger?
- It was like he was half asleep.
- I don't know.
He was terrible.
I don't know why she's obsessed with him.
- She's obsessed?
- Yeah.
Why? She could do way better.
- Congratulations.
- Yay! I loved it.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I had an off night.
You were great too.
I accidentally took a Xanax before this show.
I thought it was an Advil.
That's insane. You're insane.
You're so talented.
- I couldn't tell at all.
- I basically directed myself.
- Yeah.
- Director's a hack.
Some Yale grad, whatever.
I'm actually adapting this for the screen.
I got so much inside and it just--
You know, I'm so--
I'm fucking talented, you know?
I know it inside.
So okay, tell me, was I okay?
Did you see me? Did I find my light?
You were so believable. Heh.
Why are you laughing?
Was I too much? Was it over the top?
Because I can bring it down.
I can make it, you know,
less viewpointy, more Congo.
What does that even mean?
The whole thing is a metaphor
for genital mutilation.
- Did you not get that?
- Oh...
- Do you want me to carry your thermos?
- Oh, yeah. That would be awesome.
So this is weird, I'm sorry...
...but do you think that you could
stay over with me tonight?
Nights are really hard.
Uh...
Sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Thanks. I know it's weird. I just--
- No, no, no. Totally, totally, totally.
- I appreciate it. Okay.
Why are you waving at me?
Waving good night.
Don't sleep on the couch.
What's your thread count?
Like... two.
Cool.
Just a-being in your service
- Ha-ha-ha.
- It's the tapered leg on the... Ahem.
They evince the troubled, nimble wit
Oh, nothing in return
But storm and pessimism
Oh.
Being good for me
And just a-standing in your pretty prison
- Thanks for staying over.
- Yeah, of course.
Oh, God, Luke would kill me
if he knew I was in your bed.
I'm pretty sure that Luke
no longer has jurisdiction over these parts.
Yeah, that's true.
Being good for me
And just a-standing in your pretty prison
You're standing here
You think you love me
DOD T you?
Maybe you're the presence
That begs needing other reasons
I got "Summer still looks pretty"
I got hungry for the hungry seas
Stop. We can't do this.
Yes, we can. It's fine.
No, Luke's a good friend.
Yeah, but you're my best friend.
I'm a rebound.
No, you're more of a layup.
Oh, I feel like I'm breaking code.
I don't know what the rules are
in this situation.
We can make up the rules.
We don't have to have sex.
I don't...
Well, you know I've always
had feelings for you.
No, I didn't know that.
Yeah, so I think we should--
We should just be careful, you know,
and take it slow.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Luke.
Yeah, it's me.
I really miss you.
Can I see you?
I feel like I'm gonna puke.
- What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing.
- Okay, look.
Here, open your mouth.
Ugh! What? What's that?
- Weed in a bottle.
- What?
Freshens the breath
and gets you fucked up, dude.
I got it in Koreatown last time I was in L.A.
Smuggled it in my cooch pouch on the plane.
- I am going to kill you!
- Here. Relax!
God! Put this weed candy
under your tongue.
- Stop it! You need help.
- You don't want this?
- No.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- What exactly is the point of this meeting?
- I need closure.
I don't know. I don't know what I need.
I'm hot. Is it hot out?
- Feel like I'm gonna be sick. It smells like sulfur.
- Lola:
What does that last part mean?
"You don't have a wife yet,
but you named your son Somalingam."
- Ancient Indian proverb.
- What?
Find your spirit animal
and ride it till its dick falls off.
- All right?
- Right.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Go get him.
- I'm going.
- I got your back.
- I love it.
I love you.
All right.
How's the dissertation coming?
Slowly. The silence is killing me.
How's the painting?
It's really good.
I've been getting a lot of work done and...
Wow.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
What?
Think I'm gonna...
I'm just trying to figure out
what I'm eating or...
How long did you know?
Know what?
That you were gonna leave me.
I mean, honestly?
Not long.
I mean, I think it was when
the whole wedding started to feel real.
You know, with your family
and the flowers and the plane tickets.
And suddenly I was just--
- Dude, were you just pretending to love me?
- No.
Of course not.
So, what are we doing?
I don't know.
Hey.
Please, don't cry.
I don't think I can see you anymore.
Why?
It's too painful.
But if we're both missing each other,
I don't see why--
I just can't.
- Hey.
- What the heck happened to you?
You went AWOL for three hours.
I thought he killed you...
- ...and disappeared to the Catskills.
- We had sex.
Yeah, I saw a 20/20 like that.
In fact, girl who's supposed to be married...
...head found severed near
a Jewish community center.
Are you listening to me?
I said we had sex.
Yes, I'm listening.
Wait, what did you say?
It's like he's good for me,
but he's bad for me.
- Yeah.
- You know?
The guy who's supposed to make me
feel safe is actually dangerous...
...which just makes me
want to have sex with him.
I'm drunk. I love macrobiotic food.
Who puts your sentences together?
Honestly, your brain is like a bad DJ.
- It was terrible. I had to see him.
- Yeah. Well, hey, at least you got options.
Me, I can't find someone to love me
momentarily during orgasm...
...which is really an easy moment
to love someone fleetingly, no?
- What happened?
- Roger wouldn't have sex with me.
- Oh, boy.
- Like I was some refugee.
Then I went and got drunk by myself,
unless a bottle of Kahla counts as a partner...
...then went back
and hate-fucked him two times.
Yeah. I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe you're right,
maybe I should just date Henry.
Oh, God. Um...
- We made out.
- What?
Ba-ba-ba. Back up the train.
Why didn't you tell me?
- Because I didn't want you to judge me.
- Judge you?
I don't know, I think I like him?
Okay. Wow, okay.
Should I slit my wrists now
or just wait till after the meal?
Oh, stop it. You are going to find someone
just the second you stop looking.
- Have you been on Match.com lately?
- Seriously, now.
What am I eating? This is just gas in a box.
Come on. What are you, old?
I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we would be
tracing the New York City Marathon route.
- We're here.
- Where?
Neil Sedaka's house.
Never wondered where Neil Sedaka lives?
No. Should I be expecting a lot
of Neil Sedaka covers at your show?
How weird does it sound...
- ...to say "Neil Sedaka" this many times?
- Neil Sedaka, Neil Sedaka, Neil Sedaka.
And we'll watch
The world burn
And we'll watch
The world burn
It's the one that got away
It's the one that never came
It's the chances that you missed
It's the girl you never kissed
It's the one you never had
It's the one that left you sad
It's the one that got away
It's the one that never came
It's the chances that you missed
It's the girl you never kissed
It's the one you never had
It's the one that left you sad
Hey.
- What happened to you?
- I spray-tanned. What happened to you?
I don't see you for two weeks,
and now you're ethnically ambiguous.
It's a conversation starter.
- I wanna get closer.
- Yeah, good.
I want to start telling people
I was on vacation.
Hi, I'm 30, I'm looking to have children.
How are you?
You're 29.
Oh, I round up,
then I get the cougar advantage.
Like the father time
Like we hit the end just as we hit rewind
- I like what you're doing!
- Yeah!
Saturn returns
You're so hot!
Saturn returns
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
What?
I don't know.
I'm the one, I'm the one
I'm the one, I'm the one
Hi.
Hey, Alice. How you doing?
Great. I just got back from vacation.
- It's a good look.
- Thank you.
- Great look.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Luke. Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing here?
Well, I'm just watching my friend.
He's a singer.
So funny. My friend just dragged me along.
She knows someone in the band too.
So, Peggy, this is Lola.
- Lola, this is Peggy.
- Nice to meet you.
Saturn returns
Saturn returns
Saturn returns
Yes. No, could you excuse us?
Saturn returns
Saturn returns
Saturn returns
- Fun club.
- Yeah.
- Who's Peggy?
- She's just this girl.
- She's just a girl.
- Yeah.
We hung out a few times.
I mean, it's nothing.
- Are you dating her?
- No. No, I'm not.
I mean, it depends on
how you define "dating" here.
You're unbelievable!
I thought that you said
that you wanted time alone.
I did. I do.
This is what we should be doing.
You should be doing it too.
Did you know her while we were together?
Just socially. I wasn't cheating on you,
if that's what you're getting at.
I mean, we just recently started hanging out.
Yes, I know that you started hanging out,
because I read your text messages!
What? Why would you do that?
Why would I trust you?
You're so selfish and good-looking!
Stop being a martyr, all right?
Sometimes you have to be selfish.
I was never selfish.
I always put you before me.
Yeah, maybe that was the problem.
Well, I'm dating Henry! That's what I'm doing!
That is why I am here!
What? What?
What?
Really?
Yep! Must make you feel weird that
I'm dating your best friend.
But I'm doing it because
I guess that's what I should be doing.
No, no, I'm glad it's him.
Yeah, she's not even into him.
Look how hot he is.
But whatevs, it's super "cazh."
- I'm gonna go throw up.
- Me too. I'm gonna throw up too.
I can't believe he's dating somebody else.
This is very, very dirty.
But you know what, honey?
You are dating someone else too.
Do you want to dance?
Now? A site-specific bathroom dance party?
- No, like I gotta get out of here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay?
- Yeah, let's go.
Listen, I'm sorry, I know it's shitty--
Did you fuck her?
No, I swear.
- Hey. That was so great.
- Hey.
Your new boyfriend and me
had a little chitchat.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Was it fun?
- Great.
I mean, out of all people.
I mean, really.
Dude, it's not like it was planned.
You sure about that?
- Well, it's not as planned as your wedding.
- Hey, fuck you!
I have food poisoning.
I gotta load out, so...
- I'll call you tomorrow.
- I won't.
Touch. We're going.
I'm gonna get my bathing suit on
Gonna get my base face on
Gonna get my hat out of loan
Gonna get my space face on
I'm gonna turn all snakes into bone
Go wishing the stone
Keep the crystal cat cold
Gotta get to the throne
Hope my baby
May we meet a beastman
Hold us there
Happy but by one hand
Gonna get my pile of stone
Hello?
It's Lola! It's me! Let me in, please!
It's 4 in the morning.
Dude, stop. You're really drunk.
- Oh, are you close?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah? Oh. Mm.
- Yeah. Yeah.
So, what do you sound like
when you really come?
I don't know.
I guess I'm... quieter.
When you told Luke
that I was your boyfriend...
...did you say that
just to make him mad or...?
I don't know. I'm so messed up right now.
Hey.
You're not messing anything up.
You know, we don't have to label anything.
We can just be.
You know, in the '70s,
folks like you were with a lot of people.
Made sense.
Yeah, they had a lot of STDs.
Well, hey, remember, it's not perfect fidelity,
it's high fidelity.
Dad, what kind of
bumper-sticker crap is that?
That's not crap, that's wisdom.
There is a fine line.
Thank you, sage father.
Look, you know, I know that having
your mom and I as parents...
...has kind of made you into
a stressed-out kid...
...but you put a lot of pressure on yourself
to live out a life...
...that maybe is a little more conventional
than what you were raised in.
Sometimes it's good, you know,
to just shake life up a little bit.
Let it fall out of your hands.
You'll catch it.
Mm-hm.
You have such a musical voice.
Do you play any instruments or...?
No, actually. I, um--
Do you play any instruments?
No. I'm much more visual.
Yeah. Anyway, you asked me a question.
No, I didn't want to be a prison architect.
That just kind of happened.
Mm. That's awesome.
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
Lola.
You're a writer. What do you...
...want to write about?
Cats.
- Cats.
- Like, the history of cats.
There's something...
...wonderfully feline about you.
Meow. Ha-ha-ha.
No, I was kidding.
I thought, because
I loved literature so much...
...that I'd want to write novels,
but I realized I didn't.
I just want to write about them.
So...
It's very, very sexy.
Can I pour you another glass of wine?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Great.
Do you want to stick with the red?
We could do some sake.
Oh, I really like your knees.
No, wait.
Yeah, I really like your knees.
Thanks.
- You want me to put on some music?
- Okay.
Oh. my God!
I'm sorry. It just came out.
That's okay. I know.
It's freakishly big.
- I can't stop looking.
- I was an incubator baby.
- What?
- I was an incubator baby.
Oh...
What is that?
The incubator, it made my penis bigger
than the other kids'.
Oh, yeah.
To see how long our swan song can last
Oh, okay.
Ooh. Whoa.
That just slipped in there, huh?
You feel so good.
Just a minute. Shh. Be perfectly still.
Is this--? Is this Ani DiFranco?
Yeah. She's my favorite lyricist.
Oh.
And I am watching your chest
Rise and fall
Like the tides of my life
Could you--?
Your bones have been my bed frame
Your flesh has been my pillow
Do you think you could get a condom?
Aren't you on the pill?
It doesn't matter.
What are you worried about?
I don't know if you're clean.
I am.
I just got tested.
Scout's honor.
Oh, okay, that's--
That makes me feel better. The Boy Scouts.
- Actually, I'm an Eagle.
- Oh.
And when we leave the landlord will come
And paint over it all
And I am walking
Out in the rain
Sure you don't want to get some breakfast?
Omelet?
I can be a few minutes late for class.
You know, that's okay. Thanks.
I had a really nice time last night.
Yeah. Yeah.
Let me roll you home.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Mm.
Sweet architecture.
It's really tight brickwork. Bravo.
Hey.
Henry.-
Hi. I'm Nick.
All right.
I better get to Pilates.
Oh, can you give me a hand,
help me with this?
Just really tight.
Yeah, just really--
Like, really, really tight. Yeah.
Yeah, okay. Great.
Thank you.
I'll call you later.
Have a blessed day.
What the fuck?
What are you doing here?
I came to surprise you with breakfast.
- These are really nice scones.
- Oh, shit.
Did you just have sex with that Rollerblader?
Um...
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe you.
I'm so sorry. It was terrible.
If it's any consolation,
his dick was so big it hurt my back.
Oh, he has a bigger dick than me too?
No, that is a consolation.
You should go into
the greeting card business.
"Sorry I cheated on you.
PS, your dick is smaller."
- No, no, that's not-- That's not what I meant.
- I just assumed that we were--
- Yes, yes, yes, we are.
- Yeah?
- I'm confused.
- Yeah, clearly.
I'm vulnerable. I'm not myself.
I'm easily persuaded.
What, so now you're saying
that I persuaded you to be with me?
No. If anything,
I persuaded you to be with me.
- Whatever.
- Wait. No, no. Henry, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't know that we were exclusive,
and I didn't know.
I didn't know if it was okay
if I slept with someone else.
Do you know what? It doesn't have
to be articulated. It's just common courtesy.
- Uh...
- Henry!
Please, can we talk about this?
I'm slutty, but I am a good person.
Oh honey, I really miss you
Oh, honey
Though it was only yesterday you kissed me
And that kiss
That kiss was so, so true
I guess I should know better
- Hey.
- Hey, I was in the neighborhood.
Oh, that's cool.
Do you have any weed?
When it comes to falling
Oh, honey, I really miss you
One, two, three.
If only you could hold me now
Because you hold
You hold me, oh, so well
I guess I should know better
When it comes to falling
Yes, I should know better
When it comes to falling in love again
I'm glad that you're staying here
when we're gone.
It's good for you to get away
from all the noise out there.
- Fuck that noise!
- We'll be back in two weeks.
Hey, why don't you throw a rave party?
Go wild.
I can't throw a party. I'll just be thinking about
whether or not to invite Luke or Henry.
Then if I don't invite them,
I'll just wish that I did.
Honey, I really think
you're overanalyzing this.
Then if I do invite them and they don't
show up, is it because they hate me?
I just keep having sex
with the wrong people at the wrong time...
...or the right people at the wrong time.
Right time, wrong people!
I should probably try
to be friends with them.
I don't know. I can't tell.
I've never had an ex.
Are you supposed to be friends
with your exes?
Well, honey, sure.
I mean, you know,
show Luke that you've moved on.
Show Henry how you're sorry.
Be the bigger person.
Oh, honey, we love you.
A lot of people do.
Unfortunately, you and Dad
do not count as a lot of people.
Randy, I need you to help me with this.
Are you kidding me?
That thing is like a walking toilet.
- Please?
- Clearblue?
- More like clear yellow.
- Tell me whether it's negative.
I let a man I met at a fish store
do me without a condom.
Okay, show me.
Show me! Don't touch me.
It's negative.
I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like
I'm constantly attracted to men who punish me.
Maybe because you need to be punished.
Okay, listen, there's at least
four baby daddies here for you...
...and I just texted three more.
One is a serious krumper.
Yeah, let's just set up a gang bang
and see who sticks.
And Ted, the one from
my cervical cancer commercial...
...on his way, just turned 40, totally mature.
- I don't want old sperm.
- Sperm's too old. Got it.
Oh, God. This guy, Nick,
won't stop texting me.
- Monster Dick Nick?
- Yeah.
We slept together, like, weeks ago,
and now he thinks we're dating.
Yucko.
You want any wine?
I have a sweet Zinfandel.
Yeah, yes, Zinfandel.
- What are you doing?
- Baby-wiping my whole body.
Hey, remember you told me
how there's that brain chemical...
...that releases when a woman orgasms?
Oxytocin.
I found it. In a pill.
- What?
- Yeah, my friend was telling me...
...he's been taking it recreationally or whatever,
which I thought was weird...
...because generally dudes can just get off
by looking at their own reflection.
Who's resentful?
But, anyway, I took it tonight.
No. Alice, there is no pill form of oxytocin.
- What you took was OxyContin.
- Yeah, same thing.
No, different thing. Drug-addict thing.
It's like heroin.
It's a really powerful narcotic.
I have been feeling nauseous...
...but often that's the precursor to my orgasms,
so I was just sort of going with it.
Luke and Henry just walked in.
Quick, get me a hot guy to talk to.
What? You invited them?
Oh, damn, Henry. You look tasty.
Yeah, this was my party to normalize things.
Are my boobs even?
You think I'm the drug addict. Eh.
See you on the other side.
Oh.
Alice?
Whoo!
Hey. I'm so glad you came.
It's cool.
- Are you still mad at me?
- No.
I'm really sorry.
It's all good.
I hope things aren't weird
with you and Luke.
No. I called him.
We sorted it all out. Yeah.
Awesome.
- Oh, I got-- I'm gonna be back.
- Yeah.
Just one sec.
You see, I learned everything
I know about being a woman...
...from 90210.
That explains a lot.
In every woman-- Henry.
In every woman...
- ...there's a Brenda...
- Mm-hm.
...Kelly, my personal favorite...
...a Donna, hopefully minus
the gaping boob-hole...
...and an Andrea.
See, every woman is all of those women.
See?
Well, what about Emily Valentine?
Well, he really sounds like a nice guy.
We've only been out twice,
but he is definitely courting me.
He designs prisons.
- I don't like him.
- Neither do I.
- Well, get rid of him.
- I gotta take what I can get.
Come on. You're Lola.
You can get whoever you want.
- So you and Henry are talking again.
- Yeah.
I mean...
I mean, that was stupid.
I get it.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
I mean, he's been really cool
these last few weeks.
We've been hanging out.
It's been like old times.
But, you know, his place, it sucks.
- And my place, it's huge.
- So?
I was thinking, you know,
he might move in with me.
Or he is. He's moving in with me.
What?
I'm sorry. Is that--? Is that totally weird?
- No.
- Good.
Sounds like a super-fun party house.
Miami.
I'm gonna have some people over.
We're having some people over...
...and, I mean, I'd love for you to come.
I'll be there.
Great.
I never wanted this for you.
I work my whole life, I don't apologize,
to take care of my family.
And I refused to be a fool...
...dancing on the string
held by all those big shots.
But I thought that, when it was your turn,
that you would be the one to hold the strings.
Well, it wasn't enough time.
But, that being said,
I pledge on the souls of my grandchildren...
...that I will not be the one to break the peace
we have made here today.
Did you just break up with me
as the Godfather?
You know what we should do sometime?
We should get a nice bottle of red
and just do the trilogy.
Lola! It's not even the best Godfather.
That's-- Pfft!
Ahh.
What is it you'd like to accomplish today
in your hypnotic trance?
I'd just like to find quiet.
My mind is, like, on crazy overdrive.
I'm constantly obsessing about everything.
Food, boys.
I need to concentrate,
I need to be writing, I can't do it.
Yeah, I just--
I'm unable to be in the moment.
Then that's exactly what we'll work on.
Close your eyes.
Oh, my God. I'm s--
I'm just turning it off. It's just...
Right now. One second.
Okay. It's off. Okay.
Hey, Alice, it's me.
Listen, I'm really nervous
about going to Luke's party.
I feel like we're gonna be
the only single people there.
Do you think I should get a perm?
Also not sure if I should
wear something see-through.
Call me.
I feel like I haven't seen you in ages.
I don't know. I've been around.
Well, I called you twice last week
and you didn't call me back.
Really?
You know what? Um...
One of those nights, I think
I was at a concert, maybe, with Hen.
And then the other one...
I can't remember. My back is so sweaty.
This party's gonna suck. Let's just not go.
No, I can do this. I just saw both of them.
The only difference now is I'm seeing them...
...in the apartment that I thought
I'd raise my children in.
Yeah, you're right.
When you put it that way, it does sound fun.
I don't know if I can be here right now.
Does it make me look poor if I don't
eat the white outside part on the Brie?
What's up, Alice?
Oh, hey, what's up?
Where's Henry?
- He's over there.
- Oh, okay.
I'm gonna go say hi.
- You like the cheese?
- Yep.
So does your shirt.
Mm. Yeah, I'm eating for two.
What?
Oh, no. No, me and my shirt.
I'm eating for my shirt and me.
Sorry, that was such a dumb joke.
- I think I just peed a little, yeah.
- I'm totally not pregnant at all.
How are you and...?
- Who?
- Leggy
Her name is Peggy.
I know what her name is.
You seem really happy.
Hey, hey, let's go.
I think my TiVo's broken...
...and I have a very important episode
on the History Channel.
History of Witches. Do you--?
Oh, and Peggy says
she needs help with the ice, so...
Oh, right. You know,
she loves you, by the way.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
She loves you? How can she love you
after meeting you one time in a club?
So have you guys been talking?
Yeah, we're talking. That's what people do.
Um, anyway...
Oh, I was watching Chelsea Lately...
- Talking about what?
- Oh.
It's nothing. It's nothing important,
Honestly, don't worry about it.
We're not doing this here.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
- Yes, we are.
- What is going on?
Uh...
Okay. Lo, we need to talk.
- No.
- It's nothing.
I mean, it's something,
but it hasn't become anything.
I mean, without me telling you first.
- Fuck, I'm an asshole. Shit, let me start over.
- No!
No, no, no, Lola.
- Listen to me. Not here, okay?
- No!
You could have just talked to me about it!
Then I wouldn't have been ambushed like this!
- I didn't go after this. It was an accident.
- No!
All you had to do was tell me you had feelings.
We could've talked!
- Whoa, guys
- Shut up!
When do I ever have time to tell you things?
- You're wrapped up in your own shit.
- Like I don't listen to your shit.
- All that shit with that actor Roger?
- At least I'm aware I'm not alone in this world.
I am alone in this world.
You've all left me alone.
I never left you, okay?
I've been beside you
every step of this process.
- The one time I step in front of you--
- I left you.
They didn't leave you. I left you.
And Alice and I, we make each other calm.
Calm, calm. If you were any more calm,
you would be dead.
Just work on you, okay, Lola?
Hey. Hey, lady-
Lady, there's only $2 here.
Hello. You want to go to jail, lady?
There's only $2 here! I'm talking to you!
Are you insane? You better get back here.
Mmm.
Mm.
Yeah, ladies! Mm. Mm.
Work the pole.
You know, Jessie Spano
was such a good girl, you know?
It's like why did she do it?
Like, the caffeine pills...
Get off the stage, bitch!
I don't want to go with you.
I like these people. They're my friends.
No.
Okay.
I'm down. I'm all the way down.
- Get her out of here.
- I want to go back.
Oh, God.
I wish I could say that
this was someone else's fault.
That it was Luke's fault.
Or Henry's fault, or Alice's.
But it's not.
It's me.
Release your emotions.
Feel the healing power of the platza.
Relax.
You feel good.
Ah!
Huh? That's good.
- A little more. Good.
- Ah!
In his final poem,
Mallarm writes of shipwreck:
The man without a vessel
A solitary plume
Overwhelmed
Untouched
With very few words on the page...
...the writing itself creates space
for silence and pause.
For in this world of shipwreck...
...there is hope in uncertainty.
Hi, Alice.
It's Lola.
I know that you probably don't
want to see me...
...but I would love to see you.
I'm around, if you want.
Okay.
Bye.
Hey, remember how much
I loved Cinderella as a kid?
- What a sick fucking kid.
- It's a classic.
It's what messes little girls up,
because we all get obsessed with shoes...
...and then we think that some guy
is gonna come put them on our feet.
- That is a man's job.
- I actually thought I was living in a fairy tale...
...and that Luke's shoe fit me perfectly.
I guess no shoe is a perfect fit,
especially when you have slightly irregular feet.
Right. Well, you gotta find
your own style, baby.
Are you telling me to go shoe shopping?
I have a friend, Diane--
No, she has an eight-and-a-half
and a nine-and-a-half.
That's not even close. That's a whole size.
- That's depressing, Mom.
- No, I know.
It's scary to think that one side could grow
and the other side doesn't.
- It's disgusting.
- Imagine her bras.
I got you something.
Oh, my God, you shouldn't have.
It's a douche.
I know you've been wanting a new one.
- I'm douchey.
- I'm douchey.
- Eh.
- I'm so sorry about how I acted.
I'm sorry too.
I should have told you sooner.
- I was so stupid.
- Don't-- Don't be sorry.
I am so happy for you and Henry.
Really.
I love you.
I love you.
Oh. Ahem.
So I want to have a party for my birthday
and I need your help.
- Is this a trick?
- No.
I know I have never had a birthday party before,
but I think I'm ready.
Okay. Yeah, I'm loving it.
Let's-- What are we doing?
Going to Six Flags?
No, I just think I need a clean start...
...because I've really fucked up
all my friendships over the past year.
- So.. ..
- No.
It's like everyone always says:
To love someone else,
you have to learn how to love yourself.
But I don't know, after this year,
I don't think that's true.
I think to love yourself,
you have to learn how to love other people.
- Illuminati.
- The Illuminati.
And they say that Hillary Clinton is a lizard.
The thing is, if you look at the sky enough,
you will see lasers shooting out of the moon.
If you really, really look,
because I have seen it.
It was on YouTube, but I did see it
with my eyes through a computer.
- It's because the apocalypse is coming.
- I know.
- I'm moving to Canada.
- I'm just gonna try to keep to my routine.
All right, I'm getting pizza.
Oh, my God.
- Hey!
- You came!
I'm so happy you came!
You never have a birthday party.
I'm having a bit of a rebirth,
so I thought it was cause for celebration.
- About the whole Alice thing--
- No.
- It's so fine.
- Really?
We don't hold grudges.
Well, I am actually still upset
that you lost my Boyz II Men cassette.
Oh, I don't speak Spanish.
- Ugh.
- Ugh. Come on.
Mm.
Missed you.
- Did you know he was coming?
- No.
I'm gonna get some nibblers.
Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I couldn't miss this.
It's just kind of a picnic.
Yeah, well, I didn't want to miss this...
...because I miss this.
- Are you speaking in rhyming verse now?
- Yes.
Because I'm nervous. Uh...
Look, I just gotta say this. Um...
I mean, I got my space.
- I just ended up in another relationship.
- Right.
But it's fleeting.
And it's not real.
And I just think I needed some distance
to realize that.
- Was that all you needed?
- Yeah.
I mean, now we can go at this
from a totally new way.
I don't know what to say.
You didn't want me or us or any of it.
And then you got this distance.
But the thing is, I haven't, really.
What do you mean?
I mean, you've had time.
It's been months.
But I spent all that time obsessing over you.
And other people.
And I think I finally have some
perspective on what I need.
- Which is?
- Which is...
I'm so touched that you want to start
all of this back up again...
...but I'm taken. Heh.
By myself. I...
I've just got to do me for a while.
Lola!
I'm coming!
Okay, yeah. Come on.
Let's go, folks. Fire up this pastry.
Here we go, here we go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, okay.
All right.
Birthday rap!
- Get ready.
- Okay.
You're 6, you're Lola
You live in Angola
You're African, except you're not
But you're just as hot
You're a writer, you're a fighter
Like a Mark Wahlberg fighter
- Except you're Donnie
- I'm your mommy
And I'm your friend who's black
This is not what we rehearsed.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
All right, let's eat cake.
Thank you.
Ooh!
I have 29 years before the next upheaval.
Before that crazy planet comes back
to wreak havoc on my life.
And when it's over...
...I hope I feel exactly the way I do right now.