1
Hi.
-Hey, babe.
-Hey, you're late.
I know. A lot going on at the site.
-Hey, Jerome.
-Hi.
Hi.
All right?
-Well...?
-Yeah, things are moving along.
But I think we're definitely 50,000
over budget.
Don't worry. Dad's right behind you.
And...
Wrzburg registry office has written.
They...
One, two, down.
They need a notary certification
if I don't appear in person.
What does that mean?
That means... Even with an express
courier, it'll take about two weeks.
What?
-Hey, Jerome!
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay. I'll see to her.
-I'm fine.
-Want a glass of water?
-Give us a moment.
Are you okay?
We can't postpone it.
We've already sent out invitations.
-I'm sorry.
-I don't know how you could fuck it up.
We're getting married in three weeks.
Don't worry about it. I'm sorry.
Don't fret.
Where's your guard?
Come on. Come on.
I happened to be in the area.
Hey...
And of course I just had to bring you
a classic gourmet meal in person.
Are you stupid?
Here at the airport?
That is Hungarian lamb,
raw salami sausage.
Dogs can't smell anything else with it.
I researched it.
-Researched it?
-Yeah.
Olfactorily, it is absolutely impossible,
Stefan.
Olfactorily, my ass! Nowadays, dogs
can sniff out a gram in a ton of coffee!
What are you doing?
What are you doing? Are you crazy?
Stop it, they're watching.
Stefan, hey...
It's always just you
and your goddamn paranoia.
-Me and my paranoia?
-Yeah.
Listen, that was my very last piece
of Sharaz.
All you can get on the streets
is that genetically modified Haze shit.
I can't smoke that stuff!
Do you know that an ex-pat in Dubai
recently got ten years for one gram?
-Stop it...
-One gram!
One gram, right.
But look, we are not in Dubai. We--
Any idea what kind of badass secret
service they have? If they find out--
Secret service? What are you on about?
They'll find out if I have any hassle
with drugs
and I might not get back
in the country.
Boy, oh, boy...
-Finest organic Sharaz.
-I'm sorry, okay?
-Hand-rubbed. From the Atlas mountains.
-Sorry!
I hate it when you make me sound
so conservative,
but as long as you're living
under my roof, you'll do as I say!
-Then I'll move out.
-That I'd love to see!
Hi!
Oh... Stefan!
Hey, Sabine. All right?
-Hello.
-How long has it been?
I don't know.
You'd started studying again.
That long ago...?
How long are you staying?
-Just to the day after tomorrow.
-Kai was so looking forward to it.
I know, but I'm so tied up with work
and the wedding preparations--
I'd love to have come,
but I have to go on a training course.
Oh, okay.
Darling... what was that all about?
He still hasn't done anything
about his internship.
You said you'd have a word with him.
Yes, of course.
-Puberty...
-Has his father shown up again?
No, he's hanging out on Goa
like the stereotyped pothead.
But it's not a problem. Sabine sometimes
has a bit of that teacher attitude.
She doesn't understand
how to talk to young people nowadays.
Yo, Jon Boy!
-Whassup?
-Hey!
-You remember Stefan?
-Hi, Jonathan.
Yeah... Yeah, come in.
Whassup?
Hey.
Yo.
-You've grown.
-Yeah.
-It's nice in here.
-Yo, Big Boy.
Hey, boss, I've got to have
a quick word with you again.
Mom asked me to talk
about the internship.
Look, you know, I'm the last person
to want to give out any counselling.
But you have to do this internship crap.
And I know you think
"internship, shminternship"...
But let me say one thing.
They won't let you sit your final exams.
They won't.
And I know you definitely
couldn't care less at the moment.
And normally I'm the very last person
to say "YOLO", aren't I?
-Right?
-Right.
But look, what is meant to happen?
Just imagine you don't dribble
your way through in the end. What then?
You'll spend the rest of your shitty life
cooped up in here? Bitch, please!
Let your hair down.
Be a player.
Swag?
-Swag.
-Safe.
Well?
-Everything's cool.
-Really?
Yeah.
He's writing his application now.
-And Dubai is cool?
-Yeah.
There's a crazy energy about the country.
Really.
And the sea and the endless sunshine.
It's great.
-But you're not a lawyer anymore?
-No.
I'm now a CEO at Yasemin's father's firm.
CEO!
One of the biggest investors in the UAE.
I would have liked to have met her.
I'll show you a photo. Wait.
There she is.
And here...
Wait.
-Is that your flat?
-Yeah.
Outrageous!
That's just a cheap
79-cent photo montage app.
"I-Stereotypical-Happy-Yuppie-Couple"
it's called. Right, Stefan?
Cheers.
I'm going to bed.
Have fun with your old-timers' revival.
We won't be much longer. We'll down
another two or three six-packs, then...
We're downing six-packs?
I don't smoke dope anymore.
-I forgot to tell you, didn't I?
-Yeah.
I don't smoke dope anymore
because of Jon.
You know, Jon's getting to an age now...
Role model.
Yeah, role model. I understand. Respect.
You can still have fun without drugs.
Right?
-Okay.
-Okay.
You stay here and make sure
Sabine doesn't come...
-Hey, Kai.
-What?
Just leave it be.
I can't stay up long anyway.
Hey, man, this is the only evening
we have together.
I have to be at the registry office
at eight.
You still can be.
All right, come on.
THE POLISH CURSE
Lommbock?
Yeah.
I'm mainly doing Vietnamese now...
and there's this island there.
But the island is in Indonesia.
It was too much effort
to put up a new sign.
And it's written with a K.
And you're giving a geography lesson now,
are you?
They're both still here?
Yeah.
Guys, look who's here.
It's Stefan.
Shut up, you fucking cunt!
Frank, keep calm...
-His Tourette's is getting worse.
-Asshole!
Smoking dope is still the only thing
that helps.
Cunt!
Oh, you've really changed things round.
Yeah, the Public Health Department caused
some hassle because of the old kitchen.
And five years ago, I completely changed
the whole concept of the business.
First Thai
because Thai was the new Italian
and now Vietnamese
because Vietnamese is the new Thai.
Oh, okay.
-Doing the "gourmet" service again?
-No.
That's too hot for me to handle now.
Is business good?
No. Shit! Sabine has been on at me
for months to close it down.
Things not so good between you?
No idea. Recently,
she doesn't seem happy with anything.
Then she says
I don't look at her as a woman anymore.
What she's failing to do, like all women,
is to look at it
from an evolutionary point of view...
You mean the Stone Age.
Men go hunting, women stay in the cave.
Stefan, don't give me
that popular science crap!
This isn't pearls of wisdom from marriage
guidance counsellors or such shit.
I'm talking about facts. Empirical...
-Okay.
-...facts.
Okay.
Look at this genetically modified Haze
shit. It's against the laws of nature.
-Where was I?
-The Stone Age.
Yeah, so the fact is, and you know this,
humanity is descended from aliens.
Really?
I didn't know.
What did you think then? Explain to me
how, within a few thousand years,
suddenly a Homo sapiens
develops from a prosimian ape?
-Yeah, it--
-No, Stefan. No.
The missing link. You understand?
These aliens... Incidentally, they were
extremely advanced intellectually.
How else could they have managed
interstellar space travel?
Obviously.
So, a few hundred years ago,
these aliens land on Earth.
And, to begin with,
were probably extremely disappointed
because apart from a few prosimian apes
and a few sabre-toothed tigers,
not much was going on.
They think to themselves, "Hey, we've
flown for 100 light years through space
and if we can't build
any trade relationships
or exchange modern technologies here,
then let's just fuck our way
around the place."
And following the motto,
"Dumb fucks good,"
these aliens then had a fantastic time
with these certainly dim
but constantly horny primates
and then flew back to Alpha Centauri.
And who emerged from this whole business?
No idea.
-I don't know.
-We did, Stefan. We did.
Humanity.
Listen, through our veins...
Alien as well as ape blood
flows through our veins,
which explains both our intellectual
side and our physical urges.
You understand?
Sympathicus, Antipathicus, Yin, Yang,
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader,
the whole tragedy of human existence!
Do you understand where I'm going
with this conversation?
Not really.
The main thrust of it is,
in all probability,
there is somewhat more alien blood
than ape blood flowing through my veins.
Which explains exactly why,
on the one hand,
I'm maybe a bit cleverer than most people,
but on the other hand,
and Sabine doesn't understand this...
...I'm just not that keen on sex.
It could also be because for 25 years
you've consumed a vast amount of cannabis.
Could well be.
Turn this goddamn thing off!
Have another drag.
You can't do this anymore.
Scholl!
And he scores!
Mehmet Scholl!
That gear is wicked, man!
We should make our way home slowly.
The registry office is only open till 12.
Relax.
-Did you notice that?
-What?
-That I'm speaking Polish.
-Yeah, of course.
But the weird thing is,
I can't speak Polish and neither can you.
That's down to this genetically modified
Haze shit.
There's nothing else on the street now
apart from this crap.
Allegedly, it's a special variety
from the Tatra Mountains
with a THC-content of over 25%
or some such shit.
It's also called "the Polish curse".
"Polish curse."
But we could have one more, couldn't we?
You can always have one more.
-How are you, darling?
-What?
Sorry, babe. The reception is so bad here.
-Are you okay?
-Yeah, but why didn't you answer?
Sorry, babe.
The network here is a complete disaster.
I've got meetings all day and I go out
all the time because I'm worried.
Yeah, sorry. Sorry, babe.
Have you got the certificate?
Stefan?
Yeah, I was just at the town hall.
Everything went smoothly.
You sound so strange.
Can we FaceTime quickly?
-No.
-Why not?
The reception here is really bad.
We're deep in the countryside.
They only have... 4G here.
Reception... so bad... I... later, babe!
-You still thinking about the concept?
-Yeah. ...course. Bye, babe.
Thanks.
TOWN HALL
Excuse me.
Can't we do something?
I can wait until after lunch.
I just told you.
Afternoons by appointment only.
I'm just here for one day.
Then you should have made an appointment.
-Dirty, fucking, Nazi yokel!
-Stefan?
Is there a problem?
Jenny, hi.
-Hi.
-Hello.
Thanks a million. Really.
No problem. Don't mention it.
And... you...
I thought you were in Berlin or London.
Weren't you studying art in London?
Yes, but now I'm a cultural advisor
in Wrzburg.
So what happened?
-What?
-No, that's not what I meant.
And what about you?
I live in Dubai now.
-Dubai?
-Yeah, Dubai.
I work there and my fiance is
from the United Arab Emirates.
I'm getting married soon.
That's why I need this.
Yeah. Congratulations.
Thanks.
Well, then, I wish you all the best.
-Bye.
-Thanks.
Bye.
It'll be a kind of beach club. A beach bar
with a real Jamaican feel to it.
They've got nothing like it.
It'll go down a bomb.
How are you financing it?
Initially, it's going through
Yasemin's father's holding company.
It doesn't bother you
that you're dependent
on being drip-fed by your father-in-law?
Where did the cleaning lady put
that thing?
I'm not dependent on his drip-feed, Dad.
I raised the finance all by myself.
Things are going well for me there.
Yasemin's family would be delighted
if you came.
Me too, of course.
I don't know if I'd really fit in
with the sheikhs.
They're not sheikhs.
The family is very open-minded.
Yasemin's mother is from Switzerland.
Stefan, you force yourself to come here
for one afternoon in five years...
and you wouldn't have come at all if you
hadn't had to go to this registry office.
No--
Even your sister comes more often
from New Zealand
and she's got a disabled child.
I'll be quite honest - I see no reason
why I should fly halfway around the world
just because His Lordship
is suddenly getting married.
Besides, my doctor says...
I'm not allowed to go on long flights.
Is that hashish?
Yeah.
Where...
Where did you get that?
Excellent stuff.
Hand-rubbed Sharaz.
Quite different
from that genetically modified Haze shit.
-Hey, are you out of your mind?
-Not so loud.
What were you thinking of,
giving my dad dope?
-Not so loud. What are you on about?
-Do you sell him it?
No! Are you nuts?
I go over there now and again and give him
something for the pain in his eyes.
What's up with his eyes?
He's got glaucoma. Didn't you know?
-No.
-You didn't know?
I won't subordinate myself
to your shitty system!
You will not chuck school
before your exams!
This is pointless. This...
You said you'd talk to him
and now he wants to chuck school!
I did speak to him and I was
absolutely certain that he understood.
Kai, you know what?
Things can't go on like this.
I know.
I know.
Will you sort this out with Jonathan
while I'm away?
-Can you do that for me?
-I promise.
I'll look after him
and I'll sort this out.
-Hope you have a nice wedding.
-Thanks.
-Come and visit us soon.
-We will.
Yeah.
I love you.
I'll sort things out with Jonathan.
We've always got on well.
Thanks, Mr. Becker.
Have a pleasant flight.
-Thank you.
-Goodbye.
What shall we do now? We've got an hour.
I wanted to work on my concept
in the lounge.
Oh, screw it!
THE CANCER DIAGNOSIS
I'm not smoking with you.
Come on... Last day.
Kai, I'm feeling really stressed,
all the preparations.
I can't arrive there totally spaced out.
And when I'm here next, I'll make
some proper time, okay? I promise.
Good afternoon. Police.
Open the door, please.
Babe, the whole thing will be dismissed
as trivial.
Don't worry. No one down there will know.
But, Stefan, by marrying me
you get permanent residency here,
so the secret service will check you out.
I haven't done anything.
I was just sitting beside him.
-You didn't take any drugs?
-No!
Okay...
I've already spoken to Dad about it
and he said
we'll sort things out.
You just have to report to the police.
-Okay...
-Then we'll go for a drug test.
-Sorry?
-Yeah, we'll go for a drug test.
Drug test, no problem,
but isn't that a bit over the top?
No. There are a lot of ex-pats here.
They have to give urine samples
every three months,
because they were once caught
a bit drunk on the streets.
Hello?
I've booked you on to the next flight
and once you get here, we'll sort that
all out straight after the landing, okay?
On the next flight? Okay...
Don't do anything like this to me again.
There's something else I have to tell you.
-A couple of days ago, Kai and I--
-Hello, Yasemin.
-Hey... I'm Kai.
-This is Kai.
I just wanted to say very quickly...
In this case, Stefan really wasn't
to blame at all. I screwed everything up.
No kidding! I mean, at an airport,
how stupid can you be?
-You're quite right.
-It's dumb. For sure.
But listen, the problem is,
I had to... I had to smoke.
-You had to smoke?
-Yeah.
-Why?
-For medical reasons.
What's wrong with you?
-Cancer.
-What?
But... the line... eh...
Listen, at the moment, it really is
the only thing that helps ease the pain.
I'm really sorry.
Stefan never mentioned it to me.
Yes, of course, it's probably
because he loves you so much
and he didn't want to burden you
with all this shit.
-What are you doing?
-And I wanted to--
-Hey, babe.
-...ask you something else, Yasemin.
Tell me...
So, do you think it might be okay
if Stefan...
stayed here a bit longer with me
because...
Stefan really is...
my best friend, you know,
and always has been.
And if that's not okay, it doesn't matter,
it's not a problem...
-Kai--
-It's not a problem, but...
If... You know, I...
-Kai, we can do this.
-I'm not able to fly.
The doctors won't allow it. I would
have loved to come to your wedding.
-Kai, I'm really sorry.
-I'm sorry.
I'm just thinking it over...
We can't postpone the wedding.
-Can't postpone it, no.
-That's not possible, no.
But the wedding is still two weeks away.
Two weeks...
If it helps, Stefan can stay there
with you for two weeks.
-That--
-Really?
Darling, we can't... I can't do that.
-Of course you can.
-Really?
-We can? That'd be so great. Thank you!
-You're the best, sweetie. Kai...
Yasemin, that is really kind of you.
Thank you!
Bye, darling. Thanks!
That was good.
Cancer? How am I supposed to explain that
to Yasemin later?
Green means no THC detected in the urine,
yellow partially detected,
red definitely detected.
What are you doing?
You drink a liter of this a day.
It's all backed up with sauna sessions
at different temperatures
and a special pineapple diet.
Stefan, you must drink it.
I know, two weeks is ambitious,
but you can do it.
I've drawn up a diet plan for you
which you have to keep to meticulously,
or you'll tilt the acid-base balance
and that can end badly.
Shit... I told you
I didn't want to smoke with you.
"I told you I didn't want to smoke
with you."
Can we go now, please?
I have to work on my concept.
What's wrong with your wi-fi?
It really is still 2005 here.
It always works for me.
Kai, Kai...
Hey, Jon. Everything okay?
Other side.
Hey... Everything okay?
Want to chill out for a bit?
Bit of Wii dance gaming?
Come on. I'll wipe you out.
-Come on.
-We've got two options, Kai.
Yeah?
Option A, you get on my tits for
the next two weeks and we get stressed.
Option B, you leave me alone
and we're all chilled.
Same result.
Okay...
I know that my mom stresses you out
about me
and I'm sorry
because I really think you're okay.
But whatever you say,
it won't change my mind.
Jonathan... Wait, wait.
If you chuck school before your exams,
you'll have nothing.
Yeah, in your world maybe.
For me, there's a bit more to life
than just status symbols and career.
Look at you, slaves to capitalism.
Are you happy by any chance?
I'm no slave to capitalism.
I'm no slave to capitalism!
He's been strange recently.
I don't know what's wrong with him.
Before, we were so... You know, we were...
Up here.
Wrzburg Police. ID papers, please!
Julius! Hey...
-All cool?
-All good, man.
Hi, Emilia!
-Hey.
-Hey.
This is my homeboy Stefan -
straight outta Dubai.
Hi. Hello.
Julius, why I'm here...
Do you know what's wrong with Jon?
He's been a bit...
He's been a bit strange lately.
We haven't had much to do
with Jonathan lately.
I still see him now and again
when he goes out on his bike.
And you, Emilia?
We split up over two months ago.
I didn't know that.
He completely changed,
then he got this huge bike
that must have cost over 3,000 euros.
I thought he built it here.
No. He's also hanging around
with some weird folk.
What sort of weird folk?
THE SALAFIST SITUATION
I want to know who he's meeting.
He's been acting strange all day.
He got a phone call and just after that,
he went off in a mad rush.
That's strange, isn't it? Isn't it?
No, it's not strange at all.
Is there any reason
why I had to come along?
Yes, there is,
because it matters to me, Stefan.
He's turning off.
-Can you see him?
-No.
Let's split up.
Jenny?
-Hey.
-Hi.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be in Dubai.
Yeah, I still had some things
to sort out here.
Everything okay with you?
I have an awful blind date
and I forgot to arrange an exit call.
Okay.
Actually, I don't need to meet women
over the internet. Really.
I'm good-looking.
I'm easy to talk to. I've got a great job.
Yeah, and in bed...
How can I put it?
I've never heard any complaints.
I'm 43 now...
trapped in the body of a 28-year-old.
I'm tired of playing games
and when I saw your profile,
I thought, "That's a great woman.
Not yet spoken for, looking for
something serious. That's phenomenal.
She's a real catch. I'm a real catch.
So snap her up and make
a couple of beautiful kids with her."
What do you think?
Well, I...
Excuse me. Stefan.
-Marcel.
-Hi, Marcel.
I have to talk to her for a minute.
May I? Thanks.
Okay.
Jenny, come back.
Come back to me.
Yes, I was hurt, yes, I was disappointed,
yes, some harsh words were said,
but I now know that I can't live
without you and I don't want to.
-Please, Stefan--
-I'm okay with it, Jenny.
I'm okay with it. I forgive you.
I forgive you
for the fucking on the internet.
-Hey, pal--
-And for the crystal meth business.
I even forgive you
for the thing with the donkey,
though I'd have preferred if you hadn't
stuck it on the net right away.
Jenny... I need you.
And the kids need you as well.
All five of them.
And, Jenny, if we both make an effort,
social services may give them...
...back to us.
-I'd say you owe me a drink.
-More than one. Thanks!
-Yeah...
-Still the old dream team!
See you around then?
Yeah, call me when you've got time.
Okay, okay!
Okay. Bye. Take care. Bye.
Bye.
What now?
Mohammed, Tareq, Ahmed, Abu-Hari...
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, Kai, really!
Yeah, so... Wait. Here...
There's something in Arabic.
You can speak Arabic. What does it say?
I can't read most of it.
It says "Allahu akbar" there.
Shit! You see?
One of his Facebook friends is religious.
That doesn't mean he's a Salafist.
Hey, Stefan! The '90s are over, man.
Young people today don't go
to dance music festivals and such like.
They go to Syria.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of world
you're living in.
I really have better things to do
than driving through the city all night.
Have you any idea
how long my to-do list is?
-Your what?
-My to-do... It doesn't matter.
Did you know
that Jenny was back in town?
Did you know Jenny was back in town?
-She works at the town hall, yeah?
-Yeah, exactly.
I thought she'd become a painter,
or own an art gallery at least.
Yeah?
Oh, well...
You know what's strange?
I told her about Dubai.
And Yasemin and everything, the wedding...
I felt guilty about it.
I mean, that's totally weird.
I split up with the woman 20 years ago
and I feel guilty
because I'm telling her that everything's
going so well for me, I'm doing great.
You couldn't give a shit.
You couldn't give a shit, could you?
What? How come? No! No, no!
Well, say something then.
What should I...
What do you want me to say then?
You could at least acknowledge
my surprising emotional reaction
that I don't want Jenny to feel belittled
in any way because of my happiness.
-That's cool.
-Oh, great, thanks!
I totally understand. I know just
what you mean, emotionally and so on.
-Emotionally and so on. I get it.
-What's up now?
It's fine.
Just now I... I've just acknowledged it...
-Yes, but--
-Didn't I?
Yes, but I'd like you just to do it
off your own bat.
Just off your own bat
and not because I tell you...
It's okay, it doesn't matter. Forget it.
It's okay.
He's coming.
Yes, he's coming.
Something else might be in the rucksack.
He might have borrowed books from a mate.
-Books?
-Yeah!
Yeah, right. He's riding through the city
in the middle of the night
and is borrowing some books from friends.
Obviously!
Shit, I'd like to stop him right now.
But I'm scared he might get nervous
and detonate the bomb.
-What?
-Shit!
Kai, a bomb? That is utter nonsense!
Be quiet. I have to concentrate.
But it's too risky for me.
What if they want to search my rucksack?
There's loads of people here.
Yeah. No, you're right.
And I don't want to disappoint you.
Okay. I'm gonna go through with it now.
What's he going through with?
-What's he going through with?
-He's going through with it now. Come on.
There!
Excuse me.
Come on.
Jon, don't do it!
No, Jon, don't do it! Give it to me!
No! Are you crazy?
-The Polish curse.
-Are you totally retarded?
-It's nothing to do with me.
-But he takes you more seriously.
Okay.
Jonathan, I'm the last person
to criticize having a few grams
for your own personal use...
It's perfectly okay.
And me and Kai...
We also like to enjoy life.
And we used to party really hard.
Wild times back then!
Yeah.
But drug-dealing...
Dealing drugs, Jonathan, that's not okay.
It's also not cool.
It's not swag either.
When you deal drugs, then you're not just
ruining your own life.
You're also endangering
other people's lives. You know?
So, do yourself a favor and...
...give it back to the people
you got it from and just leave it be.
Okay?
Who are you kidding?
Sorry?
Pizza Lammbock?
I found your old menus in the cellar.
Standard gourmet pizza 20 marks,
pollum 30, Bio-Skunk 40.
-Bio-Skunk was 50 marks.
-Kai!
Okay, but back then we did it for fun.
We weren't selling any harder drugs.
Neither am I.
The people you're involved with,
they're criminals and...
-And you weren't?
-No.
You put it on pizza. I take it with me
on my bike. What's the difference?
-The difference is--
-The difference is I make 2,000 a month
instead of chilling
in a run-down pizzeria,
constantly high and talking shit.
Okay, be quiet now, you little asshole.
Listen up.
We can do this quite differently.
We can get tough here.
If I tell your mother--
If you tell my mother, then...
I'll show her this.
What's this?
-What...?
-Oh, that, yeah...
Dude, what's that?
Where is it? Is that "delete"?
Photos...
-Deleted?
-Deleted.
Jonathan, I think that's real shitty
and real mean.
Ever heard of iCloud, you dumbasses?
3 Years In The Slammer
can help us for sure.
Look up YouTube.
Oops! What was that then, Stefan?
What were you about to put
in the search box?
-It was a typo, okay?
-Oh, a typo?
We all know that,
on a Central European keyboard,
the P is five letters away from the T.
It's not so bad.
The "YouPorn" typo has happened to us all.
-I didn't mean to type "YouPorn".
-I know.
Do you realize that YouPorn
has significantly changed
sexual behavior in our time?
Yeah. Do you want to know why?
Because nowadays everyone watches porn
all the time.
You understand?
Pornography has virtually etched itself
into our collective subconscious.
The result is that the modern young woman
is really irritated,
and even reacts in shock
from time to time
if you don't end up ejaculating
in her face.
That's how it is.
Come here, come here.
Come here, you Berlin cunts
and Dsseldorf sons of bitches!
Come to Wrzburg and we'll fuck you,
you pussies!
You're all queer. Your raps are queer.
You know what?
Your mothers are queer too!
Franconian Power, East Side Wrzburg!
You still in contact
with 3 Years In The Slammer?
10 Years.
He's called 10 Years In The Slammer now.
Okay.
Haven't seen him for ages.
Look who's back.
Come in!
Stefan, what fun it is to see you again!
Where were you?
Business deals, dear Kai,
and I can justifiably say
that they were profitable.
Have some.
Where did you get that?
Business secret.
Guys... Come on.
Hey, Stefan! You swallow!
Shut the door! You prick!
Shut the door!
THIS SQUARE HAS CCTV
What?
Hey, Kai?
-No? Oh, man!
-Three... Ten Years!
Mate!
-How are you? All right?
-You're looking good.
-Thanks. You remember Stefan?
-Yeah.
The incompetent lawyer.
-Come here, man.
-Hey.
You're looking good too.
-Thanks.
-Brown. Come in. Come on.
Sure.
-Keep our shoes on?
-Yeah. Shut the door.
Okay.
This is Walter PPK.
-Say hello.
-Walter.
Hello.
Come in. Sit down.
-Can I move the baseball bat?
-Of course.
So...
What's up, guys?
Well, so...
we've known each other for ages
and we were always very grateful to you,
Three Years--
-Ten...
-Ten Years. Sorry.
...for...
...for leaving us alone with Lammbock
back then.
Come on, you were such amateurs.
I thought it was sweet
with the pizzas and so on.
-Long time ago.
-Anyway...
So, I have...
I have a problem. My stepson.
Actually, he's my son.
He's gone astray a bit,
hanging out on the streets...
On the streets, yeah.
He's started dealing.
And because we all know
that you represent Wrzburg City
and still control the streets,
I wanted to ask you, because I want him
to stop. I don't want him to do it.
Yeah, Kai, sorry. I understand,
but I'm out of all that now, man.
For a long time,
since I got out of prison.
I met my wife, I've become a father too.
My daughter is at school already.
This child's stuff here
I'm only doing for the cash.
Sorry, guys. I have to pick up my daughter
from after-school club.
Yeah, but the Arabs are just middlemen.
-And the gear comes from Poland?
-No, that's just the strain.
I've heard they produce it locally.
Somewhere in the countryside.
A shed disguised as something else
in some dump:
Volkach, Kitzingen, Ochsenfurt, whatever.
-Makes sense.
-Yeah.
Short distribution channels,
no border risks.
Role model, you son of a bitch!
Yeah, I don't know how I can help,
to be honest.
You know?
Jonathan's problem
is he overestimates himself.
Perhaps we can just intimidate him a bit.
Well, I know...
-Yeah, we could do that.
-Fine, but--
-We could intimidate him.
-...you won't hurt him or anything.
-Will you?
-Don't be silly. We'll do that.
Hey.
-Sorry for making you wait.
-No worries.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Job-wise, things didn't really work out
for me in England, but it was okay.
In any case, I didn't want to work anymore
once I had kids.
Okay.
The stupid part of the plan was just that
five years later, I still had no kids
because of a dumb slut of an app developer
with whom he now has three kids, however.
That's shit.
Yeah, you can say that again.
And you?
So, why Dubai? I always thought it would
be a beach bar in Bali or Thailand.
Yeah, it wasn't that simple.
I finished studying law
and started work in a chambers.
They sent me all over the place
and in Singapore I met Yasemin.
And... hold this a second.
I've got my own beach bar after all.
Wait.
But it's a bit kind of
Bob Marley Disneyland.
Sorry.
That's Dubai for you.
Have you ever been up here?
The last time was when I was 16.
What?
Why did you go out with me?
How do you mean?
Actually, we weren't at all suited.
And I also know that your friends thought
I was a real pleb.
You were the first one
to get a tramp stamp.
-Honestly?
-Yeah.
Because of the sex.
Okay...
Oh, no, wait.
I'd like to make it quite clear that...
that I don't think that now.
Okay?
I mean, I find you
extremely attractive intellectually.
If you're saying, "Dumb fucks good,"
you'll get this beer in your face!
That's not what I said.
That's not what I said at all.
I mean, I just found the sex...
very instinctive.
-You know?
-Yeah, I...
I found the sex more...
-Well...
-Oh, no, please.
This is just cold retribution now.
-No, not at all--
-This really is cold retribution.
You took a lot of care--
That's the worst thing you can say.
I thought it was really great
that you were the thoughtful...
-Thoughtful?
-...considerate type,
but in bed,
you were perhaps a bit too considerate.
How about it then?
What?
I know you're getting married soon
and I wouldn't have done this before,
but now I think, "To hell with it!"
We won't see each other again.
And I really want to.
-Still got your tramp stamp?
-Removed with a laser.
What?
I'm a bit disappointed, to be honest.
Really?
Just a bit.
Wait. That won't work.
-Wait.
-What?
Yeah...
-Socks off.
-What?
Get the goddamn socks off.
Are you crazy?
What?
That was daft, wasn't it?
-Things like that you agree to first.
-I'm sorry.
I'll get you a cloth.
Thanks.
Wait. I'll be right back.
Sorry, Jenny.
Here.
Would you like a glass of water?
-Please.
-Hang on.
Shit!
-Shit!
-What?
You ate nuts, didn't you?
No.
I mean, yes. I think there were some
on the ice cream. Why?
-I have a contact allergy.
-What?
-I need cortisone.
-What'll happen otherwise?
-I'll suffocate!
-What?
-Jenny?
-Call an ambulance!
-An ambulance--
-Stop wittering and do it!
-Yeah...
-Quickly!
Jenny... Fuck!
Jenny?
Just breathe, okay? Just...
Breathe, okay? I'm...
My phone, where is it?
Wait, keep calm. I've got it.
Breathe, breathe.
I'm such an idiot.
No?
Okay... Not bad.
It's not like you didn't deserve it.
No, wait. That's disgusting.
Come here.
You can answer it.
-Are you leaving already?
-I've got to go to work.
Okay.
Have a nice life.
Hey, babe. Sorry, I didn't hear my phone.
I was in the car.
Listen, darling. I've got good news.
I'm coming home.
It's okay for Kai as well.
Yeah, he's a bit better.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'll be home the day after tomorrow,
babe... Yeah, absolutely.
Kisses from me too.
Bye.
Everything okay?
I fly back the day after tomorrow.
-Really?
-Yeah, I'm clean.
Why are you not pleased?
I am.
Are you all right?
You have a new message.
Cunt! Here, here... Fuck!
They've got me here... Psychiatric...
You've got to come and help me...
Cunts!
Let me... You cunt! Cunt!
Help, help!
THE VOLKACH CONSPIRACY
Visit for Room 12.
Thank you. Good afternoon.
"Risk to himself and others.
Suspected psychosis
due to acute drug misuse."
It says he insulted a policeman,
calling him a "cop cunt",
"arse bandit" and a "fudge packer",
and then tried to bite him.
Frank doesn't bite.
What else did he say?
Kai, what did he say on the phone?
Nothing. He just swore the whole time.
-And Schngeist?
-Lying low somewhere.
Could you leave me alone with my client?
Thank you.
Fucking hell, what have they done to him?
Frank! Hey, Frank.
Hey, Frank, man. It's me. Everything okay?
-Frank...
-Frank!
Hey, Stefan. Dude!
Hey, Frank. Everything okay?
He's completely zonked out.
-They can do anything if you're sectioned.
-Really?
Shit!
Frank, hey, it's Kai. Everything okay?
Would you like to say something to me,
Frank?
Would you like to say something?
Yeah...
Yeah.
Cu...
Cu...
Cunt.
-He said "cunt".
-He said "cunt".
Yes, I know. Cunt. Anything else?
Vol...
-Volkach.
-What? Volkach?
-Volkach.
-What about Volkach?
Frank, what about Volkach?
What about that dump?
Frank? Frank!
Kai, really. Seriously now...
You heard what Ten Years said.
-He only mentioned Volkach as an example.
-It all fits!
Frank is from Volkach. Along with
Schngeist, they found this plantation,
then they blackmailed the guys
according to the motto,
"Give us the dope
or we'll have you busted."
And Schngeist?
No idea.
He's either lying in a coma in the woods
or he's fucked off because he's scared.
They found the gear on the street
or took it off a street dealer.
Mysterious drug stashes, secret factories,
witnesses drugged.
And the CIA is involved, yeah?
Of course the CIA is involved.
What?
That was a joke.
-Good.
-It's good?
You shouldn't have stopped making pizzas.
In any case, Frank has landed in the shit
and we need to help him out of it.
Hey, Jon. Hey, Jonathan.
Everything okay?
What's wrong?
Something's happened, Kai.
What's happened? Okay, take it easy.
What happened?
I went off on my bike today
and had some stuff in my rucksack,
then a couple of guys came along,
pulled me off my bike,
said this was their territory now.
And if they catch me again,
they'll break my arm.
Oh, nonsense!
No one will break anything.
And we told you, didn't we?
Hey, we told you.
Dealing is not for kids.
But nothing's happened yet.
Give the guys their gear back
and everything's fine.
I don't have the weed.
That's why I'm in the shit.
What did you say?
These guys took it away.
-These guys took it away.
-These guys took it away?
These guys took it away.
What do I do? The Arabs will collect
their money the day after tomorrow
and want either weed or money,
so I've got no idea... They'll kill me.
The day after tomorrow.
I'll call Mom--
-No. You stay here.
-I don't know what to do, Kai.
We'll sort it out. Don't worry.
Nothing will happen to you.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
What can I say? Times are hard.
Rap is finished, man.
And my daughter goes to a private school.
Of course. It's just that, you know,
my son has...
He's got real problems
because of all this shit now
and if you'd just give it back to us--
I'd be glad to, Kai. I really would.
Okay? For...
10,000, I reckon.
Sorry, but you know very well
that I don't have 10,000 euros.
Okay, look, you can't do this.
Wait a second. You can't do this.
-Give us back the gear or--
-Or what?
-Or...
-Or what?
Or we'll tell the Arabs
that you're behind this.
We'll not tell any Arabs anything,
Ten Years.
I've no idea what he's talking about.
Honestly.
-Kai...
-Yeah.
Are you threatening me, you loser?
-No.
-Good.
Oh, shit. Now clear off.
My wife's due back from Zumba class.
Guys! Take a couple of T-shirts with you.
-Very generous of you, but--
-No.
If you think we're taking a T-shirt
from you, you're very much mistaken.
Bye.
What if we just buy the dope
back from him?
Have you got 10,000 euros?
My inheritance is long gone.
I asked because I thought you--
-I don't have the money.
-You don't have it?
It's not possible, okay?
Okay.
Isn't there another way?
Frank, Volkach.
What is it about Volkach?
Okay, Kai, we call the police
and report the Arabs, okay?
We call the police and report the Arabs.
Then what?
That doesn't solve our problems.
The ringleaders always want their money.
-Yes, but--
-No!
The only way we have
to get them busted is...
We must find out
where this goddamn plantation is.
I have another secret weapon.
This is the only thing
that'll help him now.
In here? I'll get disbarred!
Okay...
There are smoke alarms everywhere.
Frank, hey, Frank.
-Frank!
-Frank, hey. Everything okay?
Well? Volkach! What was it about Volkach?
Volkach.
Volkach. What's in Volkach?
-What's in Volkach?
-Give him more.
Good. Great.
Pi...
Pigs!
Pigs? What sort of pigs?
Pigs?
Pigs! The pigs that did this to you!
And these pigs have now--
Volkach pigs.
Volkach pigs have a plantation
in Volkach, right?
Where is this plantation, Frank? Where?
Where is it?
Really give him some.
Pigs in Volkach.
Pigs in Volkach have a plantation.
Where is this plantation?
Where is the plantation, Frank?
Great. Really great, Stefan.
What? What can I... It just...
I don't have any more on me.
Fantastic.
We have to get him out of here somehow!
My client has been kept here in isolation
for a week.
Why has he been immobilized
with the strongest drugs?
-You'll have to ask the doctor.
-Then take me to him.
After you.
Frank!
Is this really the right way to the pigs?
I'll drive straight on
if you don't say anything.
Where is the plantation?
Kai!
Just wait a minute. Frank,
where is the plant... Frank!
Frank! Frank!
Shit!
He's away again.
Shit...
-We can always go to the police.
-No, we can't.
Man, when Sabine finds out about this,
then...
-What?
-I have no more reason to be here if...
You did the right thing.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, when you left this dump here.
Sometimes I really miss everything here.
Dubai is all well and good,
but it's a desert too.
You don't have real friends there.
I sometimes wonder
if getting married is a good idea.
What? How come?
-I mean, Yasemin is perfect.
-Yeah, yeah.
-She looks great.
-Great.
She has... She's smart, successful.
She has everything.
Yeah.
-Maybe she's a bit too perfect.
-Yeah.
But...
-Come on, say it.
-What?
Tell me something
about Mehmet Scholl's dick.
Help me to explain my life
with one of your theories.
-You know what your problem is?
-What?
This little "I'm never satisfied" man
is still inside your head...
To be honest,
I'm slowly running out of theories.
-There!
-Kai?
-There!
-Are you okay?
Look, there!
Volkach pigs!
Volkach pigs! Volkach pigs!
-Kai, please...
-Frank, there are the Volkach pigs!
Now we'll get these pigs, Frank!
A fence? Guards?
Solar panels for the lamps?
And... do you smell something?
Kai, you can hear pigs.
A recording, hello!
I'm going in.
Kai, that isn't a plantation.
It's just a pig sty!
Kai!
Kai, this is trespassing,
breach of the peace,
an offence against
the Animal Diseases Act with intent!
Kai, you...
Kai... Kai!
-Yeah, what's up?
-It's me.
It's gone a bit tits up.
Must be motion detectors, probably
because of these animal rights activists.
-It is pigs, isn't it?
-Yeah, pigs. Exactly.
Security people are coming.
Run in the other direction.
Okay.
-I'll come and get you.
-Coming right now!
Cop cunts!
-Frank!
-Cunts!
-You whores!
-Frank!
-Ass for rent!
-Frank, stay here!
-Cunts!
-Frank!
Frank! Frank, stop!
-Frank!
-Cunts!
Quiet!
Arse bandit!
-Frank, come--
-Arse bandit!
Fuck you, fuck you.
Cu...
Okay.
It was pigs.
But it worked out okay.
It worked out okay?
Yeah.
Because of your screw-up, I smoked
something and I fly back tomorrow.
-Stefan, calm down--
-I will not calm down!
It's always the same shit with you.
First, Salafists,
then the secret drug factories...
I had hoped that you had changed,
but I'll just have to accept
that you've just become
a deadbeat dopehead!
I wish I'd never come back.
Come back?
You only came back
because you needed something.
Just like how you've only called me
these last few years
if you needed something.
That's right. And I'll tell you
something else, Stefan.
The cash for the dope,
I'd have given it to you.
I wouldn't have let you down.
-I don't have the money.
-How come?
I don't have the money.
I've never had a career.
How come?
At the age of 37, I wasn't even a junior
partner in the chambers and then...
Singapore, London...
Without Yasemin I'd have been broke.
Hey, man, you fly business class,
you wear gold watches, expensive suits...
All that is paid for
with Yasemin's father's credit card.
I get a monthly allowance of 3,000.
It's...
...pocket money.
Virtually.
Okay...
Now you know.
Happy?
Of course I'm happy, Stefan. I'm delighted
that everything really sucks for you.
-I've--
-I don't understand.
You know? I don't understand. Why didn't
you just tell me that? We're friends.
Because he's not true to himself.
-What?
-What?
You've always worried far too much
about how others see you.
And if you two drama queens are finished
hanging around here, maybe we can go.
Or do you still need a moment?
-Go, yeah, where to--
-To get the dope, fucker!
Get in!
You drive.
-Go get the dope?
-Fuck!
We're going to get the dope, Frank?
-Where is this dope?
-Drive!
-Yes, Frank, where to?
-Drive! Fuck!
Where? Where to? I mean,
we could go straight ahead or...
Where are we now? Is it here or what?
VfL VOLKACH
SPORTS CLUB
-There!
-There's nothing here!
-There, you cunts!
-Where?
There!
Does he mean right here
or does he mean over there?
You've got a nerve, you unfucked whale!
I get locked up
while you're just bumming around!
Frank, what an unexpected pleasure!
-A kilo, yeah?
-Yeah.
Hey, that's almost our whole stash!
Zip it, you fat cunt!
Fallen asleep on the bald patch again?
Frank...
Thanks very much.
It's okay.
Where did you get it?
Out of a trash can.
We wanted to buy some from a dealer
at the station
and we saw where he hid it
when the cops came.
It's brilliant gear,
a new variety from Lapland,
called Swedish gong.
Frank...
Frank...
Door! Shut the door!
Door...
-Door!
-Yeah.
I've no idea what he's just been
jabbering on about, but this is great.
Isn't it?
Or not?
Or not.
But everything's okay now... Or not.
Thanks.
-Thanks so much.
-My pleasure. No problem.
Go to these Arabs tomorrow and give them
back this genetically modified Haze shit
and tell them you're finished with this.
Swag.
Safe.
-Thanks to you too, Stefan.
-My pleasure, Jon Boy. I'm off.
Stefan, I can drive you, then you won't
have to wait hours at the airport.
-It's okay, Kai.
-And what about Yasemin?
I'll tell her everything.
I can talk to her.
-That's a great idea.
-Exactly.
-I can send her an email and explain--
-Kai!
Man...
Take care.
-I'm sorry.
-It's okay.
-Hi.
-Hi, Mom.
Hi!
So... how have things been?
Good!
I've sent off all my applications.
Is everything okay?
-Can you take my bag to the car?
-Of course.
What's up?
I have something to tell you.
What a sight you are!
I fell.
-Shall we?
-Yeah.
-I've missed you.
-Have you?
Yeah.
It's hot, isn't it?
Tomorrow, we'll go through
the place settings
and the day after tomorrow, we have
the reception for the early arrivals.
It's at the beach bar.
Everything's ready there too.
Okay.
And on the same day,
you have your drug test in the morning.
Babe, I have something to tell you.
What's that?
"Don't tell her! I have an idea! Kai."
My father can't come.
Yeah, he can't for health reasons,
unfortunately.
Strange. Barely have we decided to get
married and everyone you know gets ill.
Yeah.
Was there something else?
"Just wait until tomorrow!"
It doesn't matter.
What do you think?
How did you get here?
By plane via Frankfurt.
I still had the ticket for your wedding.
-I hung around there all night--
-Kai!
Luckily, you wrote your firm's number
on the invitation.
I called them and then, I swear,
I came here this morning by bus--
Kai!
What?
Why are you here?
Have you told her?
No.
Great. Great.
Because in this bag is the solution...
for all your problems.
Kai, are you totally... You can't...
What is that?
-I'll explain to you.
-Not here.
I did think about that, Stefan.
I'm not an idiot!
So, this tube...
...is connected to this bag.
-Okay?
-Okay.
You carry this bag discreetly
under your arm,
then you pump it all discreetly...
...into this. This here.
What is that?
Clean urine. You can buy it
on the internet. It's 100% THC-free.
-Put it on.
-No, Kai.
Kai, please.
I really appreciate it.
It definitely has potential, but for this
particular situation, it's a crap idea.
-Please tell me why it's a crap idea.
-It's far too risky.
I'll just tell Yasemin.
That's much simpler.
Are you crazy, Stefan? You can't tell her.
I've researched it.
You can't marry the woman that you love
if you don't take this test.
It's quite simple.
They can even deport you.
Stop waving that thing around
in front of my face.
They can deport you.
You're right.
-So...
-Okay.
Put it on.
-I can't...
-There.
Great. And then just put it inside
as you would do...
And, very important,
guide the tube up under the waistband.
Show me.
It looks great! What more do you want?
Fantastic. So...
This goes over your right shoulder.
Exactly.
So... Yeah, let's try it.
Just squeeze it gently.
Okay, but get a glass
because it'll soak the carpet.
Squeeze gently.
Wait.
A bit harder.
Nothing's coming.
Shit. Wait a second.
Should I squeeze?
No, not yet. Wait a moment.
It's blocked, I think.
-Squeeze now?
-Wait, wait.
-Now?
-Squeeze now.
Put it down...
What?
What happened? What happened?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
-Thanks. Really!
-Hey!
I'm glad. I really am.
And Saturday is the big day.
Yeah. I really am so sorry
that you can't be there.
No problem. I'd have just got in the way.
I'm glad I could change the booking.
-Is Sabine back?
-Yes, she arrived yesterday.
-Everything cool again with you two?
-No, she's left me.
What?
She met some guy on this course and...
Is it serious?
I don't know.
It's going to be okay, isn't it?
I don't think so.
I know Sabine. This time, it's...
Shit!
-I'm really sorry, man.
-It's okay.
Shall I... I'll drive you.
You can get married now in peace.
You've got enough to do.
Okay?
Okay. You'll come and visit us, yeah?
After your miraculous recovery.
Of course!
Thank you, Kai. Thank you.
I'll be seeing you.
Is everything okay?
Let me introduce you to someone.
He's also from Germany.
Mehmet. Hi.
He's here because of the World Cup
in Qatar.
Yeah, cool club.
What are you doing here?
Collecting bribes or something?
-Bye.
-Have a nice evening.
And... are you enjoying your big night?
Yeah, absolutely.
-It doesn't look like it.
-I am. Absolutely.
It's going well.
Perhaps... this will cheer you up.
Guaranteed not fake.
Are you completely crazy?
Not here in front of all these people!
-What do you think--
-Relax. No one will notice.
-Sit down.
-Yeah.
I didn't want you to smoke.
Will you still marry me?
I have something to tell you, Yasemin.
I don't think I'm the right one for you.
No?
You're an awesome woman.
But I don't think I'm the man you need.
What kind of man do I need?
Definitely not one who messes up trying to
get important documents for the wedding,
even when he has for ever to do it.
-That's all sorted now--
-And not one who pretends to you
that his best friend has cancer
only because he's afraid to tell you
he smoked dope.
What?
And not one who slept with his
ex-girlfriend a week before the wedding.
-I happened to be in the area.
-What are you doing here?
-How did you get to the gate?
-I'm coming with you.
-Okay.
-Take it.
I'm coming with you. Open it.
Open it.
Yeah.
Try it.
Fake?
It's fake, yeah.
I'm not totally stupid.
Yasemin's father called
the immigration authorities.
I've now got 48 hours
to leave the country.
They paid for my flight ticket,
but officially I'm broke.
-I was allowed to keep my watch.
-Cool.
Good, isn't it?
I think it's great
that you're coming back.
And believe me,
your dad will be really pleased.
-Shouldn't we go back to the gate?
-You're already reverting to type, Stefan.
No, we must do this before we fly
and I'll tell you why.
The Ancient Romans
and the Native Americans did it,
all advanced civilizations did it
as it is important for energy.
For the Ancient Romans
to smoke fake weed at Dubai airport?
Yeah, no, yeah, no! No!
Purely as an initiation, you understand?
Something old ends, something new begins.
There are no smoking areas here.
Just wait two seconds.
Let me think about this, okay?
There!
Smoke alarms don't work
on these false ceilings.
-Honestly?
-Yeah.
-You sure?
-Yes, I've researched it.
Okay.
You know what would be great?
What?
Lammbock 2.
-What?
-Yeah.
Just think, we re-open Lammbock.
And we aim it precisely at those customers
who, like us, have had enough
of this genetically modified Haze shit.
We just sell
the finest gourmet soft quality.
You understand? THC content between 10,
15 percent, everything organic.
There, there... Yeah.
There's a gap in the market, isn't there?
-Isn't there?
-Yeah...
-Isn't there?
-Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
Not bad? It's a cracker.
Wait, I've got one.
What is it?
-Shit!
-What is it?
-Is it real?
-Yeah.
Just imagine if they'd caught me here
with this. Just imagine!
We'll smoke it here right now.
-Here?
-We'll smoke it. Listen...
-Are you--
-We'll smoke it here right now, Stefan.
Just think. Would that not be
the ultimate, most stylish departure
that the world has ever seen?
In Dubai, in the security area,
we both smoke a joint
and blow a giant cloud of smoke
right in the face
of all this shit that has just happened.
Okay.
-Okay.
-You will?
-Okay.
-Really?
Okay, before I change my mind.
Okay.
Well?
Gourmet!
Gourmet!
Subtitle translation by Calum Short