1
(COMPUTERIZED BEEPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Hi, I'm Jeff Wilson,
assistant undersecretary
of the Department of Homeland Security.
I'd like to extend a warm
hello and welcome you
to your Loner program
reprogramming program.
Throughout this video, I'll be your guide.
Just consider me your Loner program
reprogramming programmer.
By now, you have already received
your very own Loner's
headband from your government,
and are enrolled in automatic
billing for its rental.
Just like a friend, your
headband will be gently
reminding you, whether
through audible alarm
or small electric shock, to abide
by your new mandatory guidelines.
Failure to do so may result
in immediate apprehension
by a highly trained War
on Loneliness action team.
(YELLING)
The first step to recovery is
admitting you have a problem.
That's why you'll be reporting to your
weekly Lone-Anon meetings.
In this cutting-edge group
therapy, you and your
fellow loners will grow together,
while participating in fun, and sometimes
heart-wrenching growth exercises.
So keep up the good work, America.
Because, remember, you
wouldn't want a buncha loners
out there wandering around by themselves.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
NEWSCASTER: Good morning from our studios
in Los Angeles, California.
The president is once
again using the hashtag
Label the Loners as the
nation's sixth mass shooting
of the month is being reported
out of Cleveland, Ohio.
The president posted
that all hashtag normals
should remain vigilant
against hashtag headbanders.
The Cleveland shooter, who
was not wearing a headband,
was described by this
neighbors in this way.
Don't say it.
NEWSCASTER: A quiet man
who kept to himself.
Later in the hour, we will
interview agent Richard Delgado,
head of the Los Angeles
Lone-Anon fusion...
Hey, Mom, it's Lincoln, it's Lincoln.
Yeah, I am still at the shoe store,
and no, I have not been promoted, Mom.
I need you to be my mom right now,
I need you to be my friend.
I need 100 friends at all times,
and this morning I'm at 99.
Yeah, no, the government needs me at 100,
or I get in big trouble.
Can you be my friend, please?
All right, you got it,
Mom, all right, bye.
Yeah, yeah
I'm gonna show you what we did
I'm gonna show you what we did
What we're doing it right
Good afternoon, Miss.
You doing some shopping
at Giganti-Mart today?
Unfortunately, yes.
Target sighted.
Pathetic headbander.
Hey, let's teach him it's
wrong to dislike people
by beating his ass.
(WEED WACKER MOTOR REVVING)
Hey there, friend.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Tanner, right? I'm Frank.
All right, that's okay,
great energy by the way.
I'm gonna be working with you.
The hell you are, I work alone.
I own my own business.
Oh yeah, no, yeah, they prefer
that you don't do that anymore.
What? Why me?
Mm-hmm.
Eh, how many loners does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
One.
You know, because,
they got no choice.
That's why they have the two rectangles.
That's an I, man.
What have we got here?
Hmmm.
Oh, gonna have to confiscate
this mace, naturally.
Guess I'll just have to make
sure to not dress in a way
to tempt any rapists.
Well there you go.
Here you go, read it.
No, read the paper, don't look at me.
Take your time, now, it
says you need a work buddy,
so let's get to work, buddy.
Right here.
Come on, there we go.
I don't really understand
the point of you searching me
for weapons, considering
I'm about to walk into
a store that sells guns.
Wouldn't I just buy one there
and shoot the place up anyway?
That's how they get you?
Let's get some fro yo, eh, guys?
Come on, I'll catch up
with you guys in a sec.
Fine, but I'll be back for you.
Save money.
Live good.
KIEFER: You think I
could get a few bucks?
Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.
Later.
Hey, I'll tell you what,
call me a crazy kook,
but I think I'm gonna really
enjoy whacking alongside you.
Whack off, dude.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Close your eyes.
Turn around, 180 degrees.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Good afternoon, sir, my name is Dabney.
I just moved into the building.
I just wanted to introduce
myself to everyone,
make myself neighborly.
Also, uh,
I am required to inform
everyone in a 100-yard radius
that I am a registered loner.
And that you are encouraged
to knock on my door
at any time, at which
point I will invite you in
for pleasant conversation of
a mutually communal nature.
Just need you to sign right there.
What are you, some
kinda person-hating freak?
Oh, I don't hate people.
I just prefer to spend
my time alone, I suppose.
Oh, so you think you're too good for me?
Not at all.
I'm sure you're terrific.
You're what's wrong
with this fuckin' world.
Hey, you got kids?
No.
Good, not allowed to live near children.
(UPBEAT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There you go, I worked out extra hard
for you this morning.
It's asparagus.
Had it for dinner and breakfast.
You done?
NEWSCASTER: Agent Delgado,
in the year and a half
since the inception of
the War on Loneliness,
mass shootings have nearly quadrupled.
DELGADO: I've been
closely collaborating,
not only with Senator Difford,
but also General Earl Weller.
We are all selflessly working to protect
the American people and
their personal freedoms.
NEWSCASTER: Doesn't the
War on Loneliness rob
so-called loners of
their personal freedoms?
DELGADO: I wish you
could see the joy I see
on loners' faces when their conversion
to being a society-loving American begins.
Truth is, they are relieved
when they are invited
to explore their feelings with
our compassionate therapists.
NEWSCASTER: What are
the minimum requirements
of a Lone-Anon group leader?
DELGADO: Well it certainly
takes a big heart to care
for people who may wish to
eliminate their fellow citizens.
Just yesterday, I hired one of the most
highly trained therapists
I've encountered.
He is a true patriot, a
man who is willing to put
every ounce of training
he has into guiding loners
towards the day when they
finally return their headbands
to the government and
rejoin the rest of society.
Hello, my little grouplings.
Who the hell are you?
I'm Mike.
I will be leading your group
today, and from now on.
Where's Pam? We liked Pam.
Pam never made us do things.
We're not down with doing things.
Tanner, I presume.
And Ed.
And Franny, the librarian.
You can stock my shelves any time.
No, Franny, inappropriate.
I can't wait to get to know
everything about you all,
three times a week.
Three times a week?
We're only supposed to
meet once a week, Mike.
Lincoln Chalk, you little rascal.
We're gonna have some
fun - three times a week.
And I spy with my little eye,
Clara
and Dabney
and Jeremy. What up, J-Mizzle?
Okay, let's circle up.
Campfire-style, boys and girls, let's go.
Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Now, before the fun can
begin, a few ground rules.
First, this is a place
of acceptance and love.
Second rule, all cellphones,
tablets and similar devices
are not allowed at any time.
What the hell, man?
(GROANING)
That was your face.
Third rule, there's no judgment here.
We are here to share.
To open up.
To commune with others.
Now, none of those things happen
when we put up walls
and force our own agenda on other people.
So if I choose to ignore all this
and walk on out the door?
You'll be violently
apprehended, and imprisoned.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Okay, let's jump right in with
some socializing exercises.
First one to hug me gets a Shasta.
Mark my words, my little grouplings.
Studies have shown that
people who deny themselves
human contact are prone to
serious health problems,
such as cardiovascular disease,
altered brain function
and the early onset of senility.
Sure, loneliness isn't a
controlled substance that can be
rolled up and smoked, or
chopped up and snorted.
No, it's not a party drug.
But let's face it, if it were,
none of you would know because
you don't go to parties.
But don't be fooled.
It's just as dangerous as any substance
that can be heated in a spoon
and injected into your scrotum.
Wow, this is a real wake-up call.
We need results.
We don't have any.
The mass shootings haven't
lessened in the least.
Solid facts are only
gonna confuse the issue.
We need a victory.
One big, shining public example
that the program is succeeding.
Is there something we can
with all those cockroaches
we implanted with microchips?
General.
(SOFT MUSIC)
PAIGE: Anything else, sir?
Who are you?
I'm the new page, sir.
What's your name?
Paige, sir.
ED: You in for poker?
Dude, he's right over there.
We got to know.
If we don't have six, there's no point
in the rest of us meeting.
Yeah, fine, I'm in.
Splendid, see you at poker.
You're a fucking genius.
Do you remember when we
used to run surveillance
on drug rings and terrorist cells?
Those were the days.
Just don't know what's happened to us.
There's target four in sight, copy.
He's looking right at us.
Is he looking at the van?
Abort, abort, get outta there.
Or the whole thing's blown.
Where are the keys?
They're in the ignition, you idiot.
Why are they in the
ignition, that makes no...
Because they make the car go.
It's too late, just stay there!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Ohhh.
FED 612: Target five is in sight.
(DOOR KNOCKING)
LINCOLN: Federal government.
It's open, Lincoln.
That coulda been the
federal government, for real.
It's open.
We're getting sloppy.
Hey, gang, we're safe if
any small fires break out.
A big wet blanket just walked in.
I'm trying to hold us together, Ed.
There's no poker table set
up, people are reading books.
I mean, what if we get
raided, what are we gonna say?
You are welcome to
throw down a buncha cards
and some playing chips if you wanna,
but you got to clean 'em up.
Let's just hurry up and do this.
Got a hot date?
TANNER: Maybe.
Assume the positions.
CLARA: Come on, big boy.
Today.
DABNEY: Timer starts now.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I just wish you hadn't slept
with the boss' wife, you know.
Then maybe we'd be on a better assignment.
She slept with me.
How many times do I have
to paint the picture?
I didn't know she was the boss'
Wife.
Wife, wife.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
That's a long sip.
And that's time.
Now we're just all
leaving in a group, huh?
I'm sorry, were we all supposed to take
the secret exit into the steam tunnels?
What happened to staggering the exits?
I'm telling you, we are getting very...
Sloppy?
...sloppy, yes,
and sooner or later, we're
gonna hear that sound
that we are all dreading.
Go.
It's gonna sound like that.
(ALARM BUZZING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You should go out the back door.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Dabney, you better hide.
(DOORKNOB RATTLES)
It's open, you fuck-tard.
Go go go.
Is there anyone else in
the apartment, ma'am?
What are the charges?
As a suspected terrorist
and enemy of the state,
we're not required to
inform you of the charges.
All right.
Then help me up, sonny boy.
Eat shit.
(TASER BUZZING)
OFFICER: Hurry up and
get her ass out of here
before the paralysis wears off.
Make sure the headband stays on,
in case I need to deliver another shock.
Crazy old bat.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
DELGADO: Shred this, we'll
destroy all evidence as we go.
It's go time.
Initiate Operation Ten Tango.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
TESSMAN: You have something for me?
PAIGE: I'm looking at
treason charges here.
TESSMAN: You'll be compensated
an amount commensurate
to the value of the
information you provide.
PAIGE: I wanna work with you.
TESSMAN: I work alone.
PAIGE: The plan is underway.
TESSMAN: What's the plan?
I don't know yet.
But without me, you
likely never will either.
Okay, hand me your cellphone.
PAIGE: Hmm?
Cellphone.
Oh, what, oh.
Exit the vehicle, walk to
the Swedish furniture store,
purchase the Flard Flard patio set.
Why?
So we have a reason to
be in this parking lot.
I don't even have a patio.
Swedish furniture - simple,
elegant, easy to assemble.
Remember, get the Flard Flard.
I'll review this information.
If I require your future assistance,
I'll be in contact.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Flard Flard.
Flard Flard.
(DOOR CLOSING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(PHONE DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
It's begun.
Introvert, a word that
is not really all that
dissimilar from the word pervert.
Now, am I suggesting in
the eyes of the Holy Father
that introverts are perverts?
I would not presume to know
the opinion of the Holy
Father on the matter.
Nor does the Good Book...
Clara being taken away had nothing to do
with poker night, or we'd all be with her.
Well something sure got
their attention, didn't it?
But does that mean it is not a sin?
No.
We'll talk during the break,
unless the break gets us first.
Is it curable? Yes.
That doesn't make any sense.
Shh.
Shh.
(THROAT CLEARING)
All things are possible
by the grace of God.
In closing, let me implore you all,
make a friend.
Or burn in hell.
Christ be with you.
Thank you, brother.
Father.
Cool.
Our next guest speaker,
who will enlighten you all
on the basics of small
talk, isn't here yet.
So let's take this time
to welcome a new member.
Thank you.
Um, hi.
My name is Senise.
Um,
aren't you all supposed to
say, you know - Hi, Senise?
Oh, that'll be covered in
the small talk instructional.
Just go on.
Oh, okay.
Well, I guess
all I can say is,
I
Honestly have no idea why I'm here.
I have a lot of friends,
and people like me,
and I like them, so
this feels like some kind
of sick, horrible mistake,
to be kind of honest.
You all freak me out a little bit.
To be completely honest,
you all freak me out a lot.
Um,
thanks.
(SLOW CLAPPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(APPLAUSE)
Welcome, newbie.
Oh, ha, thank you.
Keep your eyes open and your head down,
and you'll be all right.
O-Kay.
Thanks, uh.
That was a visual cue for
you to tell me your name.
The small talk guy just covered that.
Jeremy.
Great.
If you need anything,
you know where to find me.
In the meantime, remember,
there are ears in the
walls and eyes in the sky.
They didn't tell her why
they were taking her away.
They just did.
Clearly, we can't meet anymore, okay?
Yeah, well, clearly,
you're a butthole, okay?
Don't ever talk to me again.
Tanner's right, you're a butthole.
But listen,
if they suspect anything
and they're watching us,
we're better off sticking to our routine.
Besides, think of the alternative
if we don't have our poker nights.
Okay, so which one of
you geniuses would like
to volunteer your abode for meetings?
Considering what happened to
the last person who did so.
And also, there's the little
matter of replacing Clara
in the group, remember?
Are we sure it has to be six people?
It won't work otherwise,
we don't have a choice.
Jeremy's out, clearly.
Dude's crazy.
I know you can hear me.
I can hear you.
We can't afford to be picky.
We either need someone
we can trust completely.
Not gonna happen.
Or, someone so naive they'll
never know we're using them.
Excuse me, everyone.
I'm not familiar with the area.
Does anyone know of a
good sushi restaurant
in the neighborhood?
(UPBEAT HARD ROCK MUSIC)
Why won't you leave me alone?
(UPBEAT HARD ROCK MUSIC)
(DOOR KNOCKING)
SENISE: Hi.
That's a code knock.
Everyone else is waiting outside.
We're staggering the entrances.
What is wrong with you people?
Stagger the entrances.
We discussed that.
We decided it's fucking stupid.
Hi, everyone.
I have to say I'm very intrigued by this
staggering the entrances concept.
That is
weird.
Whoa, my Philo Puffs.
I can't believe we're doing this.
As long as we're careful, we'll be fine.
But we haven't been
careful, we've been terribly...
GROUP: Sloppy.
I was going to say careless.
What are you guys talking about?
It's not bad, don't worry.
So it's nothing illegal.
Uh, yeah, it's illegal.
But it's not unethical.
It's kind of like taking disability
for a self-inflicted injury.
How is that not unethical?
Technically, we're breaking
the law just by being here.
The feds don't any more than two loners
to be alone at any time.
They're afraid that
sleeper cells of introverts
are gonna form and plan attacks.
Is that what you're doing?
Of course not, that lovely
headband you're wearing
tracks a physical
proximity to other people
on a daily, weekly and monthly basis.
There's a quota.
If you don't meet it,
the government will know.
Naturally no one
knows what the quota is.
We only know when your headband goes off.
And that's usually in
the middle of the night,
and then you have to hurry
outside in your underwear
to a bus stop and stand next to a stranger
until it shuts off.
That happens too many
times, they take you away.
Somewhere.
Somewhere?
A little island off the
coast of North Carolina,
or an abandoned zoo in Utah.
Or some caves in the Rockies.
You don't come back.
They say, instead of
solitary confinement,
they chain you up to someone else
for the rest of your life, 24 hours a day.
But, we found a way
to trick the headbands.
Ed's son hacked the government's
War on Loneliness database.
Could we leave the illegal
activity of my son out of this?
And he found out that a
group of six people sitting
in close proximity for two hours a week
will negate the need
for any other contact.
So, we need to sit here for two hours?
Physical contact cuts the time in half.
And you all do this
just to get outta being
around people for the rest of the week?
If we had known you were
going to insist on being
sociable, we never would have invited you.
I don't wanna be a part of this.
Oh, I think you're already complicit.
I think I need to think
about this for a bit.
How about for an hour?
58 minutes should do it, starting now.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fine.
It appears I have no choice.
But I do have some rules.
It would certainly be a
lot easier to convince
the authorities that we
were having a weekly game
of friendly poker if we were, you know,
actually friendly.
That's what we're
working so hard to avoid.
Okay, you all may have given up,
but I for one am not just gonna sit here
and wait for the police
to knock on my door
and take me away to, somewhere.
It's not the police.
Way scarier, and they don't knock,
they just bust right in.
How do you know that?
(GRUNTING)
I didn't say anything that time.
Oh my God.
Wait a minute.
You said it takes six people,
and you obviously have been
doing this for a while, so
who am I replacing?
Her name was Clara.
You kick me, you die.
And what did she do to be taken away?
Okay, you know, I don't need this.
I have friends, I don't
need to sit in a circle
with a buncha social rejects touching
each other to meet my quota.
If you want me to stick my neck out,
we play by my rules.
Starting tomorrow, and I
don't care how long it takes,
we will learn enough about each other
to make this a kosher.
Oh, come on.
Those are my terms.
(TIMER BEEPING)
That's time.
That was fun.
TESSMAN: This is all very general.
You know their plan.
Doesn't help very much.
Thanks to me, we've already
identified six possible targets.
Now we just need to narrow it down.
What we need to know is
exactly who and exactly when.
All right.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(PHONE CRUNCHES)
I am gonna be reimbursed for those, right?
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Yeah, just fill out the form.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
So.
So.
Why don't we just start with
a little small talk, okay?
What do you do for a living?
I work in the IT department
of a large corporation.
Oh.
You work in a library?
You work here?
I didn't know they still had libraries.
Did you ever?
What's that supposed to mean?
Have you ever read a book?
TANNER: You mean a whole one?
FRANNY: Yes, a whole book.
A History of the Integration
of Professional Baseball.
Have you ever watched
a whole baseball game?
You have a son?
I don't wanna talk about that.
Okay.
The other part of my day
usually consists of making sure
the redaction software
is working correctly.
I mean, could you
imagine if there was some
widespread malfunction that
was left unchecked for days?
It'd be pandemonium.
FRANNY: You have a son?
I don't want to talk about that.
Neither did I.
Do you have kids?
None that I know of.
SENISE: So, what do you do?
Submarine captain.
Ah.
For ocean exploration or?
Private parties mostly.
What do you do?
I am a submarine...
I mean, I know you played
college football at Michigan.
And you were good, too, what happened?
Yeah, well, you know, not
everybody wants to go pro.
I have bigger career aspirations.
Of course not, who would want all that?
Wealth, hot chicks, sports cars.
You know, I would have
a lot more respect for you
if you included athletic achievement.
I'd have a lot more respect for you
if you were a pro football player.
Go dig a hole.
Go waste your potential.
Do you have any single
friends named Raul?
Um, why Raul?
Because I have a tattoo on my ass
of a past relationship, it says Paul.
Changing the P to an R would be simple.
Um,
why don't you just date
another guy named Paul?
Well, I would imagine the
only thing worse than getting
a girl naked for the first time
and seeing another man's name is...
Finding your own, nope.
I got it.
(SOFT MUSIC)
You know, this sorta
feels like a first date.
(SOFT MUSIC)
I just got out of something.
You wanna get into something?
We're not gonna get anywhere
if you're gonna be evasive.
We're here to be honest with each other.
Yeah?
Okay.
You know what, you look so familiar.
Say, how much would one of those
deep-sea shindigs cost anyway?
Okay.
You have a son?
I don't wanna talk about that.
Son of a mother.
DABNEY: Sometimes I
have to actually pick
it up and shake it.
That's never a good thing
to do with a computer, but...
Thank you.
DABNEY: You know, you
got to do what you got to do.
How do you afford a house in the city?
Did you rob a bank?
This might be easier
if we meet in a bar.
I don't drink.
Don't like the taste?
I lose control.
Can I grab you a beer?
You know, you look familiar,
I can't put my finger on it.
It's probably because
you're vaguely ethnic.
Just knowing
the data has been served.
Did, um, did you have
any questions for me or?
Why do you look so familiar?
We've searched INTERPOL.
Birth records in every state and country,
we've consulted all of our
contacts in Homeland Security
and every international
syndicate we could think of.
No one has heard of her.
Now I'm sure Senise Deluca
is some sort of fake name, of course.
But even an alias has a history.
It's as if she just dropped in out of...
Birth name is Theresa Senise Delucia.
What is this?
Is this some sort of top-secret government
database that I've never heard of?
No, there's an actual
website that lists every movie
and every TV show and everybody
that's ever worked on them.
Senise Deluca's a stage name.
TESSMAN: Actress.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Okay, Franny, now you.
Look Ed in the eye and say it.
Hello.
Sup?
(RATTLING)
Mike, can we just be done
with the fucking hello game?
Would you like to inform
the group of your reasons
for your dislike of the
hello game, Lincoln?
Your assumption that we
don't know how to greet people
is insulting, we know how to greet people,
we just choose not to.
The purpose of the hello
game is to remind those of you
who aren't in the habit of greeting people
that there is a pleasure in it
once you get past your hesitance to do it.
Yeah, it really didn't
do anything for me.
I loved it.
Shut up, Tanner, you
didn't even say hi to anyone.
Ed, we never tell people
to shut up in this group.
This is to be a safe place
where people can express themselves.
Ed was just expressing that he wants
Tanner to shut the fuck up.
And you just silenced him.
Shut up.
Senise, we never tell people to shut up.
It's hopeless.
No offense, but I am, mm,
10 times the group therapist you are.
And I fail too, so don't feel bad.
What is your problem?
We had a deal, and you're
not holding up your end.
We did what you asked.
No, you were supposed
to get to know each other.
We did.
How nice?
Oh, is that so?
Okay, um,
Franny, hey girl.
What's old Lincoln do for a living?
Salesman.
Of?
Dynamite.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Dynamite salesman.
Uh, Ed?
Does Franny have pets
and if so, what kind?
Librarian.
What?
You shoulda asked me
something I know the answer to.
Does everyone know what I do?
I work in the IT...
GROUP: We know!
This is pathetic.
What did you all do, just sit
there staring at each other?
Prolonged eye contact,
are you kidding me?
None of you has an excuse.
None of you.
Jeremy, what did you
learn about everyone?
Ugh, de bugh.
He wasn't invited, so technically,
he does have an excuse.
Jeremy, you're excused and sorry.
But the rest of you, pfffft.
Are you gonna admit to us
why you look so familiar?
That was not the point.
Senise?
Is there something you'd
like to share with the group?
I sure would like to hear it.
Fine.
The reason you might
recognize me is because
I was on a TV show when I was young.
You probably don't remember.
It Takes Ten to Tango.
I just watched the marathon.
You've really grown up
nicely since the show ended.
The baby fat look was good,
too, don't get me wrong.
You, you already knew?
Have you heard of this thing
called the search engine?
It's how we know about you.
It's how we know about
Lincoln's illustrious
non-pro football career.
Oh, and Ed's white-collar crime.
If I could speak for a moment.
This is how we get to know
each other in this century.
We don't need to talk to each other.
I didn't need to search engine you.
I loved that show.
DABNEY: This is the first
I'm hearing of any of this.
If you wanna know what I think,
I find this very, very sad.
And that's something you can't
learn on a search engine.
Well maybe you should post it as a meme.
We all follow you now.
It could be a picture of
a million whining babies
in a football stadium that
Lincoln wished he'd played in.
(JEREMY SNORING)
(JEREMY SNORING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
HEADBAND: Please return your headband
to your head.
You don't wanna do that.
HEADBAND: Please return your headband
to your head.
(COUGHING)
Please return your headband to your head.
I strongly suggest you pick that up
and put it back on your head.
HEADBAND: Please return your headband
to your head, please return your headband
to your head, please return
your headband to your head.
Please return your headband to your head.
God, I'm so sick of this headband.
HEADBAND: Be sure
to have a friendly day.
I'm so sick of trying to
match it to my clothes.
You know, you do not
crown this, with this.
And I hate how long it takes to dry
when I get out of the shower.
And I have constant recurring nightmares
that a very weak snake is
trying to crush my head.
Best keep that to yourself.
They're listening to every word you say,
looking for a reason to erase you.
Great.
Let them.
Before I was put on this stupid list,
I actually thought that this
was a good idea, you know.
Find the wackos and help
them before they flip out.
But now I'm,
I'm as disgruntled and agitated as you...
You got to keep yourself
together, they're watching you.
They're watching every move you make.
You got to keep your cool,
because there is a way out.
There is?
You just got to keep playing
the game, and trust nobody.
You hear me?
Trust nobody.
Okay.
Trust nobody.
Rust obody.
Also.
God dammit.
The cockroaches have microchips.
It's amazing what they can do these days.
These days.
'Ese 'ays.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You got a little something right.
Other side.
BROADCASTER: Swung on,
lined toward right fielder,
but there's the right fielder
and he makes the catch.
That can't be a coincidence, can it?
Book chick and nasal voice dude
both showing up early like
that at the same time?
Not likely.
We got to come up with
better code names, man.
Those aren't code names, I just
never learned their real names.
BROADCASTER: Lines out to right field,
that'll bring up...
0-for-4 last night, 0-for-2 this evening.
TANNER: The only time I'm early is
when I make a mistake with the time.
If you're not 30 minutes
early, you're an hour late.
You're actually watching
baseball on your phone?
You are too.
But you don't like sports.
I never said that.
You said they're stupid.
They are.
My life doesn't change one bit
regardless of the outcome of this game.
And yet I'm invested in it as if it will.
That's stupid.
Do you wanna sit or something?
I'm sitting over there.
Watching Brooklyn?
They left Brooklyn in 194...
A History of the
Integration of Baseball.
(SOFT MUSIC)
That was a good one.
Is it a good book?
Well it's not the one you read,
so I can't participate in
a book discussion with you.
You know what, I'll
just leave you alone.
This is Ethan Frome.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Is it any good?
Well, I've read it
every year since I was 15,
so yeah, I'd say so.
What's it about?
A sad, lonely guy that
starts to find hope,
and then loses it.
Sheesh, pass.
That's what I thought.
You don't have much respect
for my intellect, do you?
Why am I even sitting here?
Anaheim and Texas, Jesus, it's like
the two guys who nailed my
girlfriend fighting each other,
except there's no way both can lose.
(SIGHING)
I would rather listen
to someone chew a banana
in my ear all day
than have to listen to
that mating ritual again.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
PAIGE: Everything all right, sir?
What makes people like each other?
Sir?
What makes people bond?
Become friends?
It just happens, sir.
I suppose.
Or it doesn't.
Yeah, sometimes it doesn't, sir.
You're dismissed.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
TESSMAN: You're sure about them?
PAIGE: Hm-mm.
Franny doesn't fit the profile.
And Tanner has no game with the ladies,
so it's for sure.
What does that have to do with anything?
Just call it woman's intuition.
I think we can count Dabney out.
I agree.
Mm-hmm, we're narrowing it down.
Yeah, but we have to be certain.
Delgado's become a brick wall.
Is he onto you?
No, it's not me.
He's a weird dude.
He spends all of his time at the office.
I mean, literally, all of his time.
He doesn't talk to friends.
He doesn't talk to family.
He's obsessed.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What is
happening?
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
I find that loners will
often like to reach out
and make friends but they lack the courage
and skills to even try.
That's why I made up this
little role-playing improve game,
so you can all fail big
time in a safe place.
Jeremy, let's have you come up.
You crotch-smelling,
bitch-face ass bucket.
You know what's going on here?
These special glasses
were keeping the radiation
from getting into my eye brain.
Now this fool wants me to start talking.
That's how the microbes get in.
The microbes.
(TASER BUZZING)
Timeout for Jeremy.
Franny, let's have you come up.
Go up.
And Tanner.
Here's the scene.
You're waiting for a train.
And go.
How?
Oh, Just say whatever's on your mind.
I don't like the way the
birds are looking at me today.
Okay.
Tanner.
Maybe the birds hate you.
Keep it positive.
The birds definitely hate you.
Why do you have to be such a
fucking asshole every second?
No, you wouldn't know that
because you've never met.
I was trying to be nice to you.
No, again, you would not
because you've never met.
When?
The other morning when
we were both here early.
MIKE: No that wouldn't have happened.
That was you being nice?
Maybe if you weren't so
obsessed with assuming that I was an idiot
you would have noticed.
Assuming doesn't take any energy.
You just make the assumption.
There you go again.
Ed, tag in.
(SOFT MUSIC)
I find that in real life
sometimes it's easier
to meet people when we
pretend to be someone
completely different
than who we actually are.
Really?
I always thought the best policy was to
be yourself.
Yes, that's true, if you were someone
that people would actually
want to get to know.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Franny, approach Ed not as Franny
but as Miss Pennyfeather Wentwhistle.
You're a high-society gentlewoman
on your way to town to
peruse the jewelry district
and the latest fashion
in broaches and hat pins.
Hi, I'm Penny.
Feather.
Feather Whistle.
Pennyfeather Wentwhistle.
Pennyfeather Wentwhistle,
I'm going to town
to look for hats.
Pins, hat pins.
And you are?
Ed.
Jesus.
Uh, no.
You're
Rex Cannon, a Southern oilman.
I'm Rex Cannon,
an oil baron.
Yeah, I like that.
But use a Southern accent and be manly.
Mike.
These aren't exactly
masters of improve acting.
Sinese, perhaps you'd like
to show us how to do it,
since you're such an expert.
Lincoln, tag in.
Mike, I didn't even say anything.
MIKE: Tag in.
Tag in!
Mike, I wasn't even the one who...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(THROAT CLEARING)
Rex, engage the Southern socialite.
Well, howdy there, little Missy.
How are you this fine day?
(CHUCKLING)
I'm good.
Am I good, Mike?
Good? Not good at all.
What this scene needs is conflict.
I thought this was
an exercise to teach us
how to meet people?
Yes, but there's no
reason it has to be boring.
Pennyfeather, this man
has done you a great wrong,
but, Rex, you don't know that.
You think he's just a
complete stranger, and go.
How has he wronged me?
I don't know, it's improve, make it up.
Hey, Rex.
Aren't you the guy that
swindled my entire family
out of their life savings
with a pyramid scheme
and then got outta major
jail time by giving up
all the cronies you did it with?
Not bad, it'll do.
(STRUGGLING)
Down, boys.
(TASERS BUZZING)
Two more people tag in.
Anyone?
Fine.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Dabney.
(SOFT MUSIC)
(GRUNT)
Mr. Cannon, you killed
my father in a duel.
No I didn't.
There's no no in improve,
it's always yes, and.
Yes, I did kill him.
And...
I did things to his body?
Terrible things, horrible,
unspeakable things.
Sexual things?
No you didn't.
You just said...
Sit down.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(VOCALIZING)
I knew Enoch Wentwhitsle as a young man.
He was, I say, I say, he
was a rogue and a charlatan.
I vehemently disagree with
the spurious assessment
of my dear deceased daddy.
(LAUGHING)
I say, I say, I say I forgive you, ma'am,
for the love and devotion to
the man you call your father,
though it is based on a veiled
and distorted version of the truth.
Shut up.
For the love of God,
shut up.
You're insane.
Nothing you are doing is
helping any of these people,
do you not see that?
Is it really so hard for any of you
to get past your
all-consuming self-absorption
and just be a non-asshole for one second?
I wouldn't wanna be a single one of you.
You should be
wishing,
praying, on your knees begging,
for anyone to talk to
you just to relieve you
for one moment of the cruel
existential prison sentence
you face every day by
just being who you are.
Fuck you!
Fuck you all,
in your loner asses!
What a psycho.
MIKE: Oh, that's time.
This is your grand plan, Delgado?
What you just witnessed
was the final step before we
introduce our secret weapon.
Please tell me it's
something that explodes
or shoots lasers.
DIFFORD: You were on
thin ice before, Delgado.
Hope you got your water wings.
The clock is ticking.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Short-sighted fools.
Yes, sir.
Going somewhere, bro?
Yeah, I'm gonna go home,
is that okay with you, cuz?
Sure you don't got more
to say to me first, my man?
No, no, no, I'm good, home slice.
Positive, bucco, because you were doing
a lotta talking in there, hombre.
Okay, look, Ed, I'm
running out of synonyms
that guys call each other, so can we just?
I knew you'd blink first, chico.
You got a problem with me?
Hey, I'm talking to you.
Why do you care?
You got to stop caring what people think
about you, man, it'll
drive you nuts, all right.
If you are okay with what you did, great.
I'm not.
Did your family really
lose money from what I did?
No, man.
No, no.
I just made that up as part of the improve.
I just was deep in the role.
Look, I'm sorry I said that.
Aw, two loners having a conversation.
Hell must have frozen over.
You want me to scare
the shit out of them?
Oh, affirmative, kemo sabe.
Good one, let's go.
ED: Hey, come here, come here.
You want me to strip that
leather off your body?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
I'm alone again
(DOOR KNOCKING)
(DOOR KNOCKING)
(DOOR KNOCKING)
SENISE: Come in.
You can't just
open the door like that,
I coulda been a fed.
I was hoping.
What do you got there, soup?
Whiskey.
Oh, in a bowl.
I didn't feel like washing my glasses,
and I have too much pride to
drink straight from the bottle.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Hey-o, guys.
Come on in.
Pour yourself a bowl of Jack.
Yeesh.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Should I pull the trigger?
(SIGHS)
None of my friends wanna
be seen with headband girl.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Bitches.
Hey.
(GIGGLING)
How'd you get on the watch list?
Married a big producer.
Shouldn't have signed that prenup.
All I got to keep were the
clothes, which are fabulous.
I just
don't feel like reaching out
to people like I used to.
Can I tell you guys a secret?
Uh-huh.
Last month, I didn't go to my
best friend's birthday party.
ED: Bingo, there you go.
What?
Your red flag.
Hm-hmm.
Were you invited to this party online?
Yeah, but I didn't RSVP either way.
I mean, no one does, right?
It doesn't matter, though.
You didn't show up at your best friend's
publicly posted birthday
party, which means that
your cellphone wasn't there, either.
And that's the cellphone
that happens to track
every single location of your
body on this planet Earth.
Welcome to the future.
Could be worse.
Pretty sure my son turned me in.
LINCOLN: Ouch.
SENISE: Really?
I was on house arrest
for a couple years.
My wife left somewhere in there,
and Kiefer decided to go with her.
Can't say that I blame him.
Neither do I.
If you named him Kiefer.
(LAUGHING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
After the house arrest ended,
I could see the alarm on his face
at the state of my life.
Guess he figured his old
man needed a headband
to go along with the ankle bracelet.
Maybe what he did was misguided, but
then again, no kid his age should have
to look out for his father.
Are you mad at him?
I'm not mad at him.
Does he know that?
I mean, he has to.
Right?
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I was in a dark place.
I still am, but
not like I was.
Well I thought they were
playing a practical joke on me.
I thought, you know, one
of my old college buddies
had sent me a fake court summons, right?
So I start calling all those fuckers
and saying, hey, who sent
me the fake court summons?
And then I realized that
I hadn't talked to them
in like years, and the thing is,
they're all still talking to each other.
So they start all asking
me the question, you know?
What are you up to these days, man?
I hate that question.
That's like the second question
that anybody ever asks you
after what's your name?
What are you up to these days?
Hi, I'm Lincoln, I,
I used to do something.
I used to
love something.
And now, I work in the mall (LAUGHS).
And then I wear this every day.
I don't have a story.
I enjoy watering my plants,
and I have a cat,
and I actually shush people at the library
when they're being too loud.
Maybe it's the result
of being the only person
from Texarkana that likes goth rock.
There's no way they're
gonna pass me by, either.
I have zero interest in social etiquette.
I say exactly what I'm
thinking at all times.
I would think that would bring
me respect and popularity.
Instead, I'm sitting here
with you fucking losers.
From the beginning, I
vowed that I would never let
anything the government
had to say about me
make me change who I am.
Me too.
Fuck that noise.
Assholes.
Yeah.
But maybe they're right.
Just a little bit,
by mistake.
I've heard that even really social people
need alone time now and then.
Doesn't it go both ways?
It'd be nice to be able to
take a break from who I am
once in a while without
feeling like I'm selling out.
Good God, let's stop
being so hard on ourselves.
Let's take a little bit of
solace in the fact that we
have had these little meetings
together for a long time
without those douche bag
feds finding out about it.
It's pretty good.
Fuck the feds.
Yeah.
Fuck the feds.
Fuck the feds.
GROUP: Fuck the feds, fuck the feds,
fuck the feds, fuck the feds.
I will literally give you
everything in my savings account
if we can go in and bust them right now,
and I'm talking like $2,300.
Shhhh.
(SIGHING)
Dabney, do you have
anything you wanna say?
Not really.
Come on, Dabbers,
there's got to be something
in that big brain you wanna share.
Other than what you
do for a living, please.
I think it's pretty clear that we are
in a judgment-free zone here.
Except for me.
I'm judging you, I don't
have an off switch.
Come on, come on.
I definitely belong on the watch list.
I'm single, I spend most of my time alone.
I often feel misunderstood and frustrated
why the rest of society
never seems to appreciate me.
Or even notice me.
One way that I differ from most loners is,
I would actually like to have friends
and be around people.
They just,
just never really, uh,
seem to
like me very much.
(SOFT MUSIC)
Hey, Dabney?
I like you.
(SOFT MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Yes.
FED: Sir, uh, something
is, something's happening.
Yes?
I don't know if it's
a good or a bad thing.
What is it?
They're bonding.
It's a real
lovefest in there right now.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Sir?
The final phase of the plan
can now begin.
Delgado out.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What did he say?
He's happy.
For real?
Ha ha ha, dead cereal.
Jesus, that guy is hard to read.
What kinda plan is this?
Who cares? Let's get outta here.
But shouldn't we wait until...
No, we deserve a night off.
These people are making me suicidal.
I want to drown myself in my own urine.
Come on, let's go home
and hug our families.
(YELLING)
TESSMAN: You're sure.
PAIGE: Positive, I've
never seen Delgado so happy.
I'm going in.
And, Paige, good work.
I'm going to tell our boss everything
you've done for our cause.
PAIGE: Thank you, sir.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Here I go, staggering my exit.
Oh hey, can I borrow your phone?
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go look at the stars.
(PHONE DIALING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, it's your dad.
You free tomorrow?
I'd like to talk to you.
See you then.
(SIGHING)
Hey.
I meant to tell you, I
started reading this...
(MOANING)
(HARD BREATHING)
(TASER BUZZING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(DOOR KNOCKING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
We need to talk.
NEWSCASTER: Loud cheers at the president's
rally last night as he vowed to quote,
Punch the bejesus out
of anyone sticking up
for headbanders trying to strike fear
into the hearts of normal Americans.
The president said some
loners were great people
but they had to be saved
from their quote, weird life,
and that he was the only
one who could do that.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
It's been disabled.
Do you have his phone?
Your phone.
LINCOLN: What the hell, man, that's new!
Now it's old.
What do you mean missing?
Off the radar, sir,
he's not at home, and
there's no signal from his cellphone.
I apologize for the
impolite greeting here today,
but the hood was absolutely necessary,
and it's of utmost importance you not know
the sight of this meeting.
This white tarped popup room
could in fact be anywhere in the world.
We're in the City of Industry,
right off the Pomona Freeway at the corner
of Newquist and Proctor.
Taser Ted here, he had
the GPS on the whole way.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
GPS?
Leave us.
KIEFER: I'm in, what's her name again?
Clara.
Last name?
We never got that far.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What's up with all
the Swedish furniture?
Let me get to the point, Mr. Chalk.
You're in danger.
And we're here to help you.
Now listen to me carefully.
My name is Mr. Tessman.
I work for someone who
has a vested interest
in the failure of the War on Loneliness.
Now what happens in the next
few days is going to have
a large impact on that war's future,
and you are going to play
a very large part in it.
Don't be so sure, I'm
actually surprisingly lazy.
You're already deeply involved.
And my people had nothing to do with it.
But like I said before,
we're going to try to help you.
Yeah, I'm going to
need to know who you're
working for, Mr. Tessman.
Let's just say,
it is an individual
who has a deep philosophical
opposition to the government's
attack of a person's right to stand alone.
Yeah, well, lots of people
are opposed to this program.
What makes your boss so different?
Well for one thing, resources.
Money?
And people.
We've been able to
place some collaborators
at very high levels.
The information which they've gathered
will be your salvation.
Assuming you agree to help us.
Is this her address?
Yeah, that's it.
Weird.
What?
Usually they give a
pretty good description.
But this is just three words.
To make room.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I still need to know who this us is.
Who am I agreeing to help?
If I were to say the word recluse,
what name would spring to mind?
Brown.
Brown?
Brown recluse spider.
Oh the spider, no, a person.
There is the,
the biggest loner of all time.
That guy who would stay
in his house all the time
and had the tissue boxes for shoes,
but you can't possibly mean him.
I do, I do, I am talking about
the most famous, the
most accomplished loner
in world history, Howard Randolph Hughes.
Who has been dead for many years.
But his progeny live on in his name.
No, Hughes didn't, he was progeny-less.
Incorrect.
He had a child very late in his life.
It was secreted away, but who was left
a very substantial portion of his legacy.
That, Mr. Chalk, is who I work for,
and we need your help.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So seriously, what's up with
all the Swedish furniture?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You let me know the minute you find him.
If Lincoln Chalk isn't at
the next Lone-Anon meeting,
the whole goddam thing falls apart!
We'll find him.
We'll find him.
Fucking idiot.
Shit, did that?
Jesus.
No, it's off, it was off, he hung up.
Son of a bitch.
God!
Mr. Chalk, the Swedish
furniture can remain unassembled.
But this helps me think.
Okay, can you,
can you just explain
it to me again please?
This may be difficult for you to hear.
I'm sorry to inform you,
but Miss Deluca is a government plant.
That sucks.
Who's Miss Deluca?
TESSMAN: Senise, Mr. Chalk.
Holy shit.
Are you telling me Senise has
been working for the feds?
From the beginning.
No, no, no, no, that's not possible.
What, it's not possible
that a desperate,
out-of-work actress would
use her skills to defend
her country against
people she's never met?
Okay, yeah, okay.
No, she was sent to
infiltrate your poker game,
earn your trust and
then take you all down.
But mainly you.
You were to be framed and exposed
as a violent threat and then vanquished.
And that would provide
a huge public relations
victory for the program.
Holy shit.
Vanquished?
Vanquished.
Why, why, why me, why am I
the one that gets vanquished?
Because you are the perfect choice.
You are a registered loner.
You've been involved with
secret and illegal activities
with that little club of yours.
But most importantly, your
past athletic achievement
provides automatic notoriety.
What people love more
than an against-all-odds
success story is seeing a talented,
attractive individual fall to pieces.
Makes everybody feel
better about themselves.
At the next meeting, a gun
will be planted in your bag.
At the same time, more
evidence will be planted
pointing toward a grand plan on your part
to wage an attack.
LINCOLN: Wait, seriously?
TESSMAN: This is character
assassination, Mr. Chalk,
they don't pull punches.
During an otherwise normal meeting,
Senise's alarm will sound.
The trust and empathy
that she has built up
will cause you and the others
to come back to her defense.
In the fracas, you may be captured.
More than likely, you'll be killed.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
All of the mounting evidence
will undoubtedly force
the others to come clean
about the secret meetings
and to testify for their own sake
that you were a dangerous individual.
He seemed like such a nice, normal guy.
Very hostile.
You take that man down.
TESSMAN: I believe Ed
Kowalski already has experience
giving depositions pertaining
to his acquaintances.
Lincoln Chalk.
Lincoln Chalk.
You find the man who
killed my wife, you find him!
Lincoln Chalk.
Lincoln Chalk!
Mm-hmm, Lincoln.
Lincoln.
As with Osama bin Laden, you
will be laid to rest at sea
so that your grave site won't be
a focal point for extremists.
I, uh,
I can't believe Senise was
playing us this whole time.
So you actually want me
to go to this meeting
and let all of this play out.
It's the best chance
we're ever going to have
to expose this program as
the sham that it really is.
Please, trust us.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So who is Paul?
You're never gonna believe this.
I got some info on Clara.
Be careful what you say, Ed.
There are ears in the
walls and eyes in the sky.
I agree.
I think.
What?
We've all been a little
bit too trusting, it seems.
Ah.
Is that the way you're gonna play this?
Plant the seeds, make
me look like the bad guy
before it even begins?
Are you two banging,
is that what this is?
I wish.
But I'd never bang a government...
Hello, grouplings, cellphones off,
we have a lot to get to.
What's going on here?
A bonding moment?
Don't let me interrupt.
Senise here was just about to paint me
as a violent madman, but you
might know that already, huh?
I mean, you are a government man, right?
Well, technically, I'm
an independent contractor.
Don't worry, Mike.
We all know you would never
blow Lincoln's identity
as an informant.
He's on your side, right?
Well, I like to think
we're all on the same side.
This is too good.
When your alarm goes off,
you're gonna say that it was me,
and everyone will turn
against me, brilliant.
I feel like I'm losing control here.
Maybe we should...
Very tricky yourself.
Saying exactly what's going to happen
so that when it does,
it'll make me look bad.
But anyone here can
figure out that the fact
that you know what's going to happen
must mean you're working for the feds.
How about the hello game, anyone?
How about we just get
this show on the road
and let them decide for themselves?
Let's do this.
Hit it, Mike.
God, what am I thinking?
This idiot doesn't know anything.
Probably right about that.
Which means it must be you.
Oh, you mean you.
Make your alarm go off.
Go for it.
Do what you got to do.
All right, guys, what in
the hell is going on here?
Now I'm confused.
So am I.
Maybe this whole thing is just...
A huge mistake.
Ho, Jeremy,
what were you talking about last night?
There's nothing wrong with...
(ALARM BUZZING)
What's going on?
He did this, he's a spy,
he's been ratting on us
the whole time.
All of that is 100% true,
except put Senise's
name where my name was.
Well one thing is for sure,
a SWAT team is on its way
to take away at least one
of us, maybe all of us,
so we better figure out what
the hell is going on, quick.
You don't think that it's
a coincidence that Senise
shows up the second that
Clara gets taken away?
She's a plant, the only
reason Clara was taken away
in the first place is because Senise...
To make room.
Bingo.
Holy shit, Lincoln's right.
Now it makes sense.
Senise is a spy?
No, he's lying.
I have proof.
They wanted you all to believe
that I was planning an attack
so this very minute
they're planting evidence
in my apartment, and that
creepy guy at security
put a gun in my bag.
Couldn't a gun in your
bag kinda go either way?
I mean, if you are a federal
agent, you would have a gun.
It won't be loaded,
they're not that stupid.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Voila.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
There, are you all satisfied, huh?
A SWAT team is about to
burst through that door
and take me away, and the
guy who made it all happen
is trying to convince you that I'm a liar.
I'm the one that has proof.
Jeremy, tell them.
No idea what this crazy
bitch is talking about.
What?
You are crazy.
You are crazy!
Yes, you are, you are crazy!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Well lookie here.
That is not mine.
Yeah, whatever.
I think maybe we should
let the authorities
work this out.
Not until we work this out first.
Get outta my way, jockstrap.
Ahhhh!
If what I now believe
true is in fact true,
then that gun isn't loaded.
(GUN CLICKING)
(GROUP YELLING)
Well, you got me there,
but I do have one of these.
(TASER BUZZING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Pack leader, this is
Lone Wolf, stand down.
I got it covered from here.
You know, I'd like to think
if you had any idea whatsoever
that there was someone in the
vicinity with one of these,
you woulda taken your headbands off.
Since you're screwed anyway.
This one's loaded, I promise you.
So nobody get any bright
ideas like trying to take off
your headbands once you
regain the use of your limbs.
I mean, I'm gonna have to
kill all of you, but I'd hate
to do that before I explain
the evil plan we had going.
You know, just to rub it in.
Please do, I'm so confused.
I figured it out.
Great timing, we've got him right
where we want him, butthole.
I'm so sorry, you guys.
Especially you, Senise.
So, Senise isn't a spy, I take it?
No, she's not a plant, she's a patsy.
Howard Hughes' love
child's assistant with all
the Swedish furniture was right.
Lincoln, do you have brain damage?
The feds wanted to frame
one of us to look like
a crazed gunman, but they didn't want
a washed-up athlete, they
wanted an ex-child star.
Tessman had the right
plan but the wrong person.
Thank you for the
long-winded explanation.
You know, what sucks for
you all is that if Lincoln
hadn't been given the wrong
information and the plan
had gone the way it was supposed to,
the only one getting shot
in the head right now
would be Senise here.
As it stands, I'm gonna
have to do all of you
and make it look like she did it.
Can't take the chance
on the truth coming out.
I'm sure you understand.
If this means anything,
I'm still really,
really confused, so you
can probably spare me.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll shoot you in the head
first, so you don't have
to see all your friends
get their heads blown off.
TANNER: Lucky bastard.
Actually, I'm probably gonna
have to shoot some of you
in other parts of the body
and let you bleed out.
I mean, nobody's gonna believe that
a TGIF star was that good a shot.
Am I right, am I right?
Yes, of course I'm right, you're an idiot.
Here we go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(TASER BUZZING)
(YELLING)
He went down on me.
FRANNY: Get the gun!
TANNER: On me!
Why didn't I take the headband off?
DELGADO: Stupid!
(HARD BREATHING)
LINCOLN: What just happened?
ED: Who cares?
Great, now all we have to do
is deal with that SWAT team out there.
And the media, they're
all camped outside already.
Told in advance by the feds, no doubt,
so they can broadcast their
big success to the world.
They've already identified
Senise as the assailant.
Your neighbors describe
you as a quiet person
who keeps to herself.
Fuckers, he told me
they'd take care of us.
Who?
Someone that said they'd be there for us.
And now they're not, story of my life.
Hey, Mike, I don't
suppose you have any way
of helping us out, do you, champ?
(WHIMPERING)
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(HELICOPTER FLYING)
We'll figure something out.
We're in this together.
That's what really pisses me off.
They tricked me into making
you all care about each other.
You were all perfectly fine
and happy before I came along.
It is interesting
that the key to our doom
was us pulling together.
The typical scheme is usually
to divide and conquer.
It's ironic really.
It's kinda like Ethan
Frome finding his love
in a visitor he never wanted
and then ruining her life.
I am
so
So sorry, you guys.
Fuck that.
Ed's right.
If their plan was to unite us,
let's show them that their
plan worked a little too well.
I'm tired of being told I'm a freak.
It's time we stand up
for our way of lives.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
It's time we stand up
for our right to be alone.
Together.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
LINCOLN: Loners on three.
One, two.
Loners.
Sorry, was I early?
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Call your boss, whoever that is,
and tell him to get in here.
We needa talk.
You know, like, when you're able.
Ha, hear that, Delgado?
Get it done.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(DOOR OPENING)
(DOOR CLOSING)
DELGADO: What are your demands?
Demands makes it sound like
it's a hostage situation.
It's not.
Okay, well what do
you want for Christmas?
Set up Jeremy, or
whatever his real name is,
and say we're the ones who stopped him.
That's ridiculous, we
can't take the chance
that any one of you will
blow the whole thing
someday for some six-figure book deal.
Looks like you're gonna have to.
What's the alternative, killing all of us?
There's a lotta cameras
out there, Delgado,
that need an end to this
story, a bloodbath is not
gonna look good for the program.
What do you all want in return?
To be taken off the watch
list, for one, permanently.
That's all we ever wanted.
And you have to let Clara go.
You'll have to talk to
someone else about that.
On her way to our facility,
our agents were ambushed
and she was liberated.
I'm guessing that was the work
of your friends, Mr. Chalk.
Oh.
Don't suppose you can
tell me anything about
the secret organization that's destroying
my career, is there?
I had a hood over my
head the whole time.
I never saw a thing.
You expect me to believe that?
I expect that it doesn't
matter what you believe.
You think you can play the bad guy
for a little while longer?
(MUFFLED TALKING)
Fine.
But if any of this
ever leaves this room,
you all suffer,
not just the one who leaked it.
That understood?
My most embarrassing failure
was not seeing earlier the
imbecile you truly are.
Come on, you're not
gonna be a part of this.
Part of what?
Exactly.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
Yeah, baby, yeah!
You know, you play this right,
I bet you get some acting jobs outta this.
Oh, we can all get something outta this,
whatever we want.
I feel like I'm losing what I want.
What do you mean, Dabney?
It wasn't until I was
officially called a loner
I finally had friends.
Now you're, you're all leaving.
You know, we never
actually did play poker.
You'll never get tired of
taking people's money, will you?
I do think it's probably a good idea
that we all stay in touch.
Can't believe I'm gonna
say this, but I propose
that we get together
every once in a while.
We could call it a support group.
Say, once a week?
We can meet at my place.
Sound good, Dabney?
Sounds good.
Whoo.
Well, get ready to
smile for the cameras.
Let's go, guys.
Hey, you know the one thing I don't get?
How did Jeremy get tased?
Musta been one of the Hughes
people, but I don't know how.
You can't exactly get your
hands on those tasers,
and you have to be at close range.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Holy shit.
(COMPUTER TYPING)
Give Paige a high
position in whatever branch
she wants, and check on
Clara from time to time
to make sure she's doing well.
We didn't fully succeed
in ending the war, but
I feel like we did some good.
No.
I feel like we can trust him.
In his heart, he believes in our struggle.
Headband or not, Lincoln
Chalk is a true loner.
They all are.
God bless them.
The best people on Earth.
Good night, Tessman.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)