Whoa, Wilbur! Here I go!
I'm running pretty good now.
I'm gonna jump.
Oh, I got wings and I'm flying!
TriStar Pictures,
where anything can happen.
Is your diaphragm in?
Okay, now let me see
if I got this straight.
Santa Claus is real,
but ghosts aren't real.
Cowboys are real,
but witches aren't real.
Dinosaurs aren't real,
and monsters used to be real.
Or was it the other way around?
I gotta listen more.
Because it's dark doesn't mean monsters
are coming out. These are my toys.
The same toys that...
I don't remember it having batteries,
but I'm sure that it's fine.
I'm sure that there's a...
Oh, oh.
Oh, my God!
Monsters!
There's monsters in my room!
Maybe I should get
under the covers now.
- I have to get that.
- He'll stop.
- No, he won't stop.
- All right.
- Help! Monsters!
- I'll do it.
No, don't read
your accounting magazines.
- Why not?
- It gets you out of the mood.
Monsters! Monsters!
You behave.
Okay, Mike, I'm coming.
- Monsters!
- Monsters?
There's no monsters.
See? Do you see any monsters?
Well, yeah.
It was Popeye.
Yeah, he was the one.
I'll take that Gumby and I'll knock
him from here to kingdom come.
I think my daddy likes these toys
more than I do.
Who else? Pee-wee? No.
I wonder if he'll do
the flying turd gag now.
Watch out, Mikey, it's a flying turd!
- Go to bed.
- You're crazy.
- Good night, honey.
- Good night. I'll tuck myself in.
- Is that good?
- Why did I call you in here?
Oh, come on, Mollie!
I told you not to read this.
Now get up. Get up, honey.
- Oh, I can't.
- Why?
I got him to go to sleep. We never
get to do it anymore. Please?
Please get up, honey.
- I'm sleeping.
- I know.
You wouldn't have any fun doing it
while I'm sleeping.
Well, it's never stopped us before.
Hey, what's going on out there?
Am I hearing things?
Is somebody there?
- I know where to go, stick with me.
- Yeah, bright idea. Now we're lost.
- Let's go where they're going.
- I been there.
Who is it? Who is it?
What do you want? Go away!
Tail, don't fail me now.
- We're the guys. We're the winners.
- I think I can.
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
We're in. We're making it.
We're doing it!
Come on, let's go. Keep going.
Keep moving, guys. Please.
- I don't think I can.
- As long as one of us do.
Come on, buddy, help me out.
Oh, no! It's the tadpole squad.
You can't bully me.
You can't get through this diaphragm!
Guys, I found a way through!
Over here by the rim.
Come on, follow me!
Yes!
Hey, buster, how'd you get in here?
This is my womb.
- Get out of here!
- Here we go.
- You know why I'm here.
- Stop that!
- Give it up.
- Stop doing that!
Let me in, baby. Let me in.
Come on, mama. Come on, hot mama.
You're a hot mama!
Hot mama!
Yes! Yes!
Well, here I am.
All conceived and nowhere to go.
You missed. Go wide!
Look out! Missed him.
Hi, honey.
Hi, babe.
Hi, honey.
- What'd you get for me?
- This isn't for you.
This is for you. It is a...
- Don't you think he's a little young?
- That hat's never gonna fit me.
- You tell him.
- I'm not telling him about it.
- You're the guy.
- Forget it.
No. When we have a girl,
I will explain it to her.
Oh, brother!
All right. Here goes.
Mike, this is a potty, okay? When
you want to take a piss you do it...
Don't say piss.
When you want to take
a whiz, you do...
See a man about a horse?
Drain the snake? What do I say?
Pee pee.
- Pee pee's a wimp word.
- No, pee pee is easy for him to say.
When you want to take a pee pee,
you do it in here.
And you do this.
You take it out, okay?
- Oh, come on.
- What?
Dad, who's kidding who?
In the same token,
when you take a dump...
Poo poo.
This is a joke, right?
I know it sounds disgusting,
but you gotta trust me on this, okay?
You want me to take a dump
outside my diaper?
- He doesn't like it.
- He does too.
- He doesn't like it.
- We just have to make it fun for him.
Come along and be my potty boy
Come along and be my potty boy
Is this an appropriate subject
for a musical?
And you can potty too
Yes, you
My girl likes to potty all the time
Potty all the time
You got to fight for your right
To potty
You got to fight for your right
To potty
- He doesn't like it.
- He likes it.
I don't care. I ain't pooping
in that thing. I got my standards.
- Your keys!
- Toss them.
Yo, thanks, babe.
- Do you believe?
- You were lucky with the keys.
I was starting to think
I could really love Brad.
Then I noticed this face he made.
Kind of like...
If I said, "What do you want
to do?", there'd be this face.
Or, "How'd you like that movie?"
It's just this face that says:
"I don't know. What do you want?"
Then I had this flash of having kids
and the kids making that face.
And then I knew it was over.
You are deranged.
You know that, don't you?
You know what? If you want a boy,
you eat more sodium-rich food.
- Lf you want a girl, eat more dairy.
- Really? Who says?
- I read it.
- In the The National Enquirer?
I think The Star.
If you have a preference, act now.
Those sex organs are forming soon.
Let's see, two arms, two legs
and two mouths?
D and what comes up? Dog.
Yeah, yeah. I know all about
computers. Scoot over, girls.
I got a lot of work to do here.
Let's see. I'll just try this one.
And let's see.
What do we get? A jar.
Beautiful. I'm good at this.
I ought to get a job here.
- What are you girls up to?
- Nothing!
What's going on in here?
- I'm getting a funny feeling.
- So this is how grownups get so tall.
We were just finishing up
the Margolis account here.
The Margolis account, huh?
You're gonna send Margolis
a spreadsheet with pictures?
- Tickle, tickle, tickle.
- Something funny is going on here.
What's that?
What's up, my man?
- It looks like a kid.
- It looks like a kid.
I can see that! What is he
doing here? This is not a nursery!
This is the first time I've done this.
It was an emergency.
It was an emergency.
I see what you're up to.
You have a son and you're pregnant,
so you get special consideration.
No, I would never ask
for special consideration.
Let me tell you something.
Accountancy is filled with hardship.
It's sacrifice.
If you wanted something easy...
...why didn't you become a dental
hygienist or a car rental person?
When I had a bleeding ulcer
and I came out of the anaesthetic...
Somebody's loud and opinionated.
Boy!
No. The first thing I said was:
"Where's my adding machine? Where's
my calculator?" That's what I said!
And let me tell you something else.
Here, shoes, have a drink.
You mess with my mother,
you mess with me.
So how did you arrive
at this figure for your tips?
I guessed.
You kept track for a period of time
and did a projected estimate.
I made it up.
You made it up?
Now, as a flight instructor
you earned...
...$9212?
Really? Hey, that's pretty good.
- You realize that that's only...
- 177.
177 dollars a week.
- It's not my main job.
- You spend most of your time doing it.
He just said it's not his main job.
Cut him some slack.
Since I married, I haven't flown.
I'll never work for an airline.
At this rate there are a lot
of things you won't be doing.
Unlike your son, Stuart,
who's got a plethora of opportunities.
What about Stuart? It's about you,
Mollie and your income tax.
Every two weeks
he calls Mollie for money.
Don't worry. He'll be all right
as soon as he settles down.
He has a degree in accounting, which is
like money in the bank. Unlike you.
What do you say we go out
and get some Carvel?
I got the time if you got the diapers.
Come on, Mike. Come on. Come on.
- I can't believe you did that.
- What did I say?
Ma, you are forever on his case.
He's a slob, he's belligerent.
He has the earning capacity
of an illiterate immigrant.
But I won't say anything
if that's what you want.
That's what I want.
That's your baby sister, Julie,
in there. She's kicking.
Now, wait a minute.
My little sister is in my juice cup?
You want to feel it? Here.
- Give me your hand.
- Oh, in there.
Don't you hate it when your head
is caught in your placenta?
I know. Let's play her
a little song, Mom.
This was always good for me.
Oh, now I'll never get
that tune out of my head.
When I have this new baby girl,
I'm gonna need your help, okay?
- And you know why?
- Tell me.
Because you're gonna
be Julie's big brother.
All right! Lay one on me.
- Night-night, honey.
- Night-night.
Remember, you're gonna
be her big brother.
I'm gonna be a big brother.
I'm gonna be a big brother.
Okay, that feels pretty good.
Here we go. In the...
Not in the nose!
Okay, bottoms up.
Do you believe what they're asking
for teddy bears? It's a crime.
Well, I think we got everything.
Teddy bear, teething rings,
P.J. Sparkles.
Yes, I'll kiss you.
Here you go, Ace. Keep the change.
All right, baby, here we go. Gum
this down. No, there's no salt on it.
Hey, punk! Get your own toy.
All right, that's it.
I'll rip your lungs out! Give it
to me! What are you smiling at?
I guess you never messed with
anybody's big brother before.
Give it!
There you go. Take that.
Here you go, baby. Yeah, you can
put it back in your mouth.
I love you so much.
I'll never let anybody hurt you.
It looks like I got
my work cut out for me.
What did I tell you?
Look at this mess you got us into.
I told you to take 48th.
You should have taken 48th!
48th is just as bad.
Take a quick left.
We'll shoot over to 46th.
Poor Daddy, hanging out
with buttholes all day long.
You didn't take the left!
Want to think about
getting toys in here?
I mean, it's lonely in the front seat.
I'll just push this.
That doesn't work.
There we go. There's something.
I think I broke it.
There it goes, right back on.
He didn't even see me.
Pull over.
I can walk faster than this.
All right, fine. Walk.
That's...
Two dollars. Here you go.
Wait. My kid must have
pushed the button!
Too bad. Don't bring him to work.
Oh, man!
Did you push the button?
Yeah. I think I did.
Want some cookie?
It's a little moist but take a bite.
- Did you bring the shoebox?
- What shoebox?
- Stop fighting.
- Did you look in the closet?
You know what I'm talking about.
All right. Okay. All right.
Come on. All right, all right!
Now, let's discuss
this bad business loan.
Basically, their Uncle Ernie...
...convinced them that it'd be a great
idea to call their restaurant...
...Eat Me Raw.
It was a great idea. It was gonna
have sushi, steak tartar...
...and raw vegetables.
- Crudities.
- Exactly. You know.
It had a quixotic quality.
People thought
it was an X-rated movie house.
- But they still wanted to eat there.
- Everybody was offended.
Yes, but they still
wanted to eat there.
- Are you okay?
- I think I'm just going into labour.
That's it. It's time
to blow this pop stand.
Jeez, I'm all cramped.
And this thing!
- Do you want us to reschedule?
- No, no.
You know, these things take hours,
believe me.
All right, let's discuss
this $1200 loss.
- I believe that was the salmon.
- Salmon?
The whole idea of sushi
is that it's fresh.
I ate at a five-star restaurant last
week. And they gave me frozen sushi.
- I don't think so.
- I believe so. Cold.
You're so naive
when it comes to frozen sushi.
This'll teach me to accessorize.
Did Uncle Ernie have any experience
in the restaurant business?
No.
Ernie was more of an idea man.
That's giving him a lot of credit.
Do you have the books?
- The books. Yeah, books.
- What do you mean?
Papers with numbers on them!
Debits and credits!
- We don't have any of that!
- Do not yell at him!
Ernie was an idiot! It was a stupid
idea and they lost their shirts!
So just allow the fucking deduction!
I heard life is short,
but this is ridiculous.
Don't be alarmed.
Now, your baby is in distress.
- What?! What's wrong?
- We're going to do a cesarean.
- Rona! Where is she?
- She's right through there.
Hey, Mikey. You're gonna
be a big brother, doll!
You know what, Rona?
I'm just the right kid for the job.
- Did my husband get here yet?
- We called him. He's coming.
Clamp.
- Honey?
- James, the baby's in trouble.
She's okay. She's coming right out.
Well, at least I've achieved
most of my goals.
Sponge. Get that.
Honey, everything's good.
Scissors.
It's okay.
Look at that. Interesting.
Almost there. Just a bit longer.
- Bladder retractor.
- Educational.
- Hold this bladder, please.
- It's kind of...
Let's get this bladder.
I'm fine. It's...
I guess this is the end.
Here she comes.
No! My neck! My neck!
Hey, you with the scissors!
Cut me some slack here!
There you go.
Jeez! For crying out loud!
Is she really okay?
She's fine.
How about him?
He'll be all right.
There you go.
Oh, my poor, sweet baby.
I'm gonna take
extra special care of you.
Hey, you look a lot better
from the outside.
I'll take her now.
- Where am I going?
- Where're they taking her?
In observation.
What happened to my quality time?
Bye, honey. Bye, honey.
I don't want to go anyplace!
Bye-bye, honey. Bye-bye.
First a lousy birth and now this.
Jeez, life sucks!
- You're next.
- Oh, I hope so.
- Bye, doll.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Congratulations!
- Thanks.
Hey, Pop!
Hi, honey. How's your head?
Mikey, this is your sister, Julie.
Hi, Julie. Welcome to the outside.
I'm your big brother, Mikey.
I'll be in charge of you
for the next few years.
Smacking you around, getting you
in shape, teaching you things.
Anything you need, ask.
Who's this asshole?
Say no more.
You're tired after all that travelling.
That long trip down the birth canal.
Stop. You're killing me.
I got you something
for coming into the world.
Here. Have a cow, honey.
Get away!
Fine. Don't have a cow.
- Eddie, let's get a apple juice.
- No, I'm into my training thing.
What training thing?
I'm wearing the training pants, man.
Don't tell me you're going along
with this potty business.
We have to,
because the Toilet Man says so.
Who?
Mr. Toilet Man eats
your doo doo and your pee pee.
So I say, give it to him.
Eat your doo doo and pee pee?
Who said that?!
- My mother. You calling her a liar?
- No.
She told me that
diapers are for babies.
But eat your doo doo and your pee pee?
The thought is too hideous!
- Oh, yeah?
- Tell you what.
Let's take my sister for a walk.
All right.
Quick, while the moms aren't looking.
Let's take her to the zoo
and leave her there.
He would have a friend.
She won't like the lions.
And they're both schmucks.
- Mommy! Mommy!
- Wait, wait.
Uh-oh. Busted.
- Oh, honey, you okay?
- Yeah, she's fine.
Don't take your sister away.
Mommy's heart jumped into her throat.
Do you have to be so graphic?
I was taking her for a walk.
I thought she'd have a good time.
I'm sorry.
Are you okay, sweetheart?
Here, let me give you a present.
Here. What's this?
- Oh, my God.
- What is it?
Well, it's hospital garbage.
They make crack pipes out of these.
- Let me see your hands.
- My hands are okay, Ma.
- Don't.
- Give Mommy your hands.
No, please. They're okay.
They're clean.
That is it.
I have had it with this park!
Sorry. She didn't mean
to throw that on you.
Mikey, time to go to bed.
I told him he could watch a video.
He needs to go to bed.
But I promised
he could finish watching the video.
He can finish it tomorrow.
He's tired.
- Don't undermine me.
- You don't undermine me!
- Let's take it outside.
- Okay.
Because she's a baby
I have to go to bed early.
What're you looking at?
If I say Mikey can do something
and you say he can't...
...then you cut my nuts off.
How can I be a good dad?
You're the man
so you make the decisions?
I don't get to make all the decisions
because I'm the man!
Look, if I promise him something,
don't make me look like an asshole.
- You're doing a good job yourself!
- Keep it down out there, please?
I am his mother.
I see my tired baby sitting there,
and I know he's got to get up early.
- For what?
- Because I'm taking him to baby gym.
Oh, no. Not baby gym.
- He needs to socialize with kids.
- Go to the park.
I'm not taking him
to the park anymore!
You know what he did?
He picked up a crack pipe.
- Throw it out.
- He could get diseases from that!
You're so scared! You're gonna
bring him up to be a real crybaby.
I am going to baby gym.
I don't see why you care anyway.
- What's that mean?
- What do you mean, what's it mean?
It means that it's your money
so I'm not supposed to care.
- I didn't say that.
- It's what you think.
You earn more money
so you can make the decisions...
...and I'm out of here.
- I do not!
I have never, ever
brought up money before!
Why does everything
have to be your way?
It doesn't!
- Shut up!
- Shut up, you!
Let's take stock here.
My brother is 27 pounds of stupid.
My parents are okay separately
but as a couple, they stink.
Why don't you just put me
in a fucking dress, okay?
I guess you're my only friend, Herbie.
Intellectually it takes at least
three dates to know somebody.
But emotionally, I'll just look at the
way he'll eat something disgusting.
Like chili dogs.
This voice inside me says you can't
spend the next 60 years with him.
- You're planning on living a long time.
- You know what I mean.
You and James have been
together forever.
Yeah, a year and a half.
For a non-obsessive relationship,
that's pretty good.
- You know what I hate?
- What?
I hate the way James is always
telling me how to take care of Mikey.
I carried the kid for nine months.
I went through labour and the pain.
I know what I'm doing. I should
be lord and emperor of that child.
I think maybe he just
gets frustrated, you know?
Because he doesn't have a job
that he loves. Like we do.
We're really lucky.
- I don't know what to do.
- I don't know what to say.
You know what you have to do? You
have to take control of the situation.
You can't wait for this schmendrick
to get his act together.
He is not a schmendrick.
He is a good father.
For your information,
he works real hard.
That's the trouble.
He works his ass off for nothing.
Now Daddy has an account
with Corporate Pilots.
They earn between 30
and 50,000 dollars a year.
I wish James could get
a job like that.
I'm way ahead of you.
We already asked.
James has to call Freddie.
Tell him how many hours, what planes.
No. Ma, you know, if James
had a job that he really loved...
...and he could make money,
that would be great for us.
And you have Daddy to thank.
- Six. Six.
- A dollar.
Six dollar. Yeah. Seven?
A card's a card.
Why do you have to name them all?
What kind of equipment do they fly?
I don't know. You'll find out.
At least with my job I can fly
different types of aeroplanes.
Jimmy, what does it matter?
A jet's a jet.
Well, you don't love flying,
so it wouldn't matter to you.
This isn't about what aeroplanes
they have to fly. What is it?
You want to know what it is?
It's your mother, okay?
- They're controlling your life.
- They do not control my life.
Why are you and your brother
accountants?
Because we dearly love it.
Oh, come on!
You dearly love being accountants?
I do. It deals with my favourite
things, numbers and people.
And they check our tax return every
year just to make me look stupid.
That isn't true!
You said it was okay.
Maybe it's not.
Look, don't take the job.
I don't care.
Fine. I won't.
Oh, honey. I'm sorry.
Oh, sweetheart.
- I was just trying to help.
- I know you were helping me.
I thought that if you did something
you loved, you'd be happier.
I shouldn't have said anything.
My mom and dad were trying to help
so they talked to their friends.
- Now you hate them.
- I don't hate them.
I have always been really
nice to your mother.
Honey, look, I'll call Freddie
tomorrow, okay?
Don't call him just
because I'm bawling.
I'll find out what it's all about,
and I won't promise you anything.
It won't be because you're crying.
Okay. All right, give me a kiss.
Who the hell is that?
Who is it? Damn it.
It must be some kind of nut!
Here, let me open it. What?
- Do you know who I hate?
- Stuart!
How you doing? You're back!
This is my brother. This is James.
I hate these Orientals! They're
buying up this country. You know why?
- He's the accountant for Mitsubishi.
- Not anymore.
Americans have turned themselves
into fat-assed lazy slobs...
...who'd rather sell their toes
than get up and walk a block.
- Could I stay here for a while?
- As long as you want.
I'll make up the couch! Yes!
Oh, what a dilemma.
Do I stay or do I pee?
What if Eddie said was true?
Mr. Toilet Man eating your pee pee?
Oh, well, I guess
I really don't believe that.
But then, on the other hand,
what if there is a Mr. Toilet Man?
Well, I think I better just turn
the light on just to make sure.
Just as I thought.
Just a regular old toilet, huh?
Wait till I tell Eddie about this.
Eddie and his bonehead ideas.
Hey, you! You little pisser!
I'm talking to you!
You're supposed to give me pee pee!
Where's that pee pee?
We're talking about pee pee!
- I need that pee pee!
- Oh, no! Mr. Toilet Man!
Listen, I've had it with you!
You'd better give me that pee pee.
Give it to me or the next time you
sit on me, I'll bite off your tushy!
It's okay, honey. Mommy's here.
- Mommy's here. Oh, sweetheart.
- Mommy. Daddy. Potty.
- It's just a dream.
- The Toilet Man.
It was scary.
- You know what it is?
- Get a load of those eyebrows.
- It's a country of showoffs.
- What's the deal with eyebrows?
Eyes I understand.
Mouths I understand. But eyebrows?
I wonder if I'll have a set like his.
Daddy doesn't have a set like his.
- Good luck with your job interview.
- It's confusing.
I guess I'll learn some day.
- I want him out of the house.
- We're going out!
We're getting ready to go out!
I'm so ex cited!
- Daddy, don't take my nose!
- I got your nose.
- Goodbye, Mommy's honey bunny.
- Hi, Mommy.
Let's take the Play-Doh.
There's something I saw earlier
that I'd like to build and if you...
Mom?
Daddy.
Where'd everybody go?
What have I done to deserve this?
Julie, don't worry.
I'll take care of you.
You're too little!
You should have seen my brother
as a kid. He was so cute and sweet!
But no matter what he did,
he'd get in trouble.
Everyone was always screaming at him.
Daddy was screaming.
He looks just like Leon!
- Everybody looks like Leon.
- You think so?
I think if he was in a loving
environment, like my house...
...that he would really
straighten out.
Yeah, right and shutting down.
Thanks, Bill.
Okay, here we are.
- Excuse me. Here we go.
- Where's the briefcase?
- Did you leave it on the plane?
- No.
One minute.
- I'll lock up.
- You bet.
All right, here we are. Thank you.
Good night.
Dickface.
Jeez.
- Hi, Elvis.
- Hey, Priscilla.
How'd it go?
Which part? Blaming me for
turbulence spilling wine on them...
...or bawling me out for weak coffee?
You just got a couple of creeps.
Didrt it feel great not worrying
about driving the cab?
Didrt that make it won'thwhile?
I love flying a Lear jet.
It's just this beeper lifestyle.
You're on call anytime.
That means we can't plan vacations.
What about the kids?
Am I a waiter or a pilot?
Other than that, how did you like it?
- Did you like it?
- Yeah.
You liked it! I knew you would.
All right, I think I'm gonna try it.
Yeah, yeah, it's solid.
I gotta be honest with myself here.
I'm a failure as a big brother.
Look at her.
And I'm going, I'm going, I'm...
...kidding myself.
I try and teach her to crawl,
she's bouncing like a spaniel.
Here I go.
- Yeah, I'm going.
- Wait a minute. She's up.
She's mobile. She's moving.
She's heading right for my toys.
Maybe I better show her
about toys right away...
...before she does something drastic
to one of my toys.
Let me show you something.
These are all toys, right?
Some are mine, some are yours.
- The difference is I have great toys.
- Let me see.
- You have all these stupid, baby toys.
- Can I see that? I like it.
Of course you do.
It's a big-boy toy.
Can't I see it for a little?
You can't have it. You think
you can jump into a toy like this?
- Grow up, kid.
- Jeez, he's always so mean to me.
- Here's a toy you can play with.
- I don't like balls!
Don't cry again.
Freeze!
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
Why do you have a gun in my house?
There are kids here!
It's not loaded.
People say that when
they accidentally kill someone.
"I didn't think it was loaded. "
You guys make me laugh.
You're really funny.
You stock up your cabinets
with bottled water and flashlights.
But what do you think'll happen
when the shit hits the fan?
Like earthquakes or flash floods
or mud slides.
Or just chaos and horror,
people dying in the streets.
And you're sitting pretty
with your bottled water.
Now the guy next door,
he's got one of these.
Who's gonna go thirsty?
Him or you?
I mean...
...think about it.
You're nuts.
Mollie, I don't want that maniac
around the kids.
- He's their uncle.
- He sleeps with a gun.
- He does not.
- He tried to shoot me when I came in.
Stewball?
- Do you have a gun in there?
- It's not loaded.
It's not loaded.
I need some cover.
If I drink out of a Styrofoam cup,
you give me a two-hour lecture.
But Travis Bickle moves in with a
semiautomatic weapon and it's okay?
This is New York.
Women carry guns in their purses.
Most people have them
in their nightstands.
Jimmy, if a little unloaded gun
makes him feel better...
Makes him feel better?
Maybe climbing a tower and shooting
students would make him feel better.
Jeez.
Okay now, this might sound
like a stupid question...
...but where is Julie's penis?
Is it in the tub, maybe?
Did she break it off?
- No penis.
- Oh, it's okay.
He wants to know why
Julie doesn't have a penis.
- What?
- Tell him about boys and girls.
- Not at this age, honey.
- Just tell him why we're different.
You do it. I told him
about the potty bit.
All right, take Julie.
Go see Daddy. Go see Daddy.
Mikey...
...Julie is a girl
and you are a boy, okay?
Little boys have penises, but girls
don't because they don't need them.
It's like Mommy. Mommy is a girl,
so I don't have a penis.
But she's got some set of balls.
- But Daddy is a big...?
- Penis.
That's right.
Here we go. What's that?
A penis.
- This one?
- No penis.
That's good! He understands.
What's this?
Tough call.
Oh, boy, was that stupid or what?
It was very stupid.
I think I'm gonna have a heart attack.
You see, at this age people have
the tendency to have a heart attack.
You can do that.
You just go up and down.
But eventually you have a heart attack.
Jump up and down like that.
And don't forget to breathe!
A lot of times people just
drop dead here, and you say:
"Ed, what happened?"
"I forgot to breathe. "
Just jump. Jump up and down.
Yes, like that. Fine.
You like this house?
It's a very good house.
Is it me or is this guy weird?
Just rip my whole face off.
She rips my face off and you punch me.
I've never had so much fun
in my life!
Check out the blond on the monkey
bars. You can see up her dress!
That's Sheila. We played doctor.
Played... Where?
Over there,
behind that bean bag thing.
You dog!
Got another house call.
Eddie gets all the girls.
He's not wearing a diaper.
Maybe I ought to try
this potty thing.
When you have to pee,
you jump up and down.
But sometimes nothing has to come out.
So you try to jump up and down
a little more.
And I don't have to pee.
I don't have to pee.
I do have to pee,
and I better go somewhere.
Here I go. Okay.
Now's the time. I just...
That stuff really sneaks up on you.
I want a bowl of Kraft caramel pieces.
WWF Wrestling Buddies, the
rough-and-ready wrestlers from Tonka!
Wrestling Buddies by Tonka?
I want one of those!
Here comes the new Cobra Hammerhead.
The Cobra Hammerhead'll
sink those Joes!
I need a Cobra Hammerhead!
Hey, I want a Cobra Camerahead.
It's for boys. Jeez.
- Hey, Priscilla.
- Hi, Elvis.
- Mikey, guess what I got you?
- A Cobra Hammerhead?
- An aeroplane!
- Oh, man.
It's a Lear 24,
just like your dad flies.
One day I'll take you to the airport.
You can sit with me.
- Want to do that?
- No.
Man, I have never been more insulted.
I get up for this job interview
today. Everything's great.
It's for this liberal organization.
Which one?
I don't know. The American Foundation
of Crybabies or some shit.
He tells me the salary,
and I wanted to kick his ass.
- Who does he think he's talking to?
- Are you hungry?
I'm checking out
the Faster Pussycats.
That'll be fun for you.
- You think I could borrow $20?
- Sure.
Hey, Stuart? Nice jacket.
Do you mind? I got a date.
I guess not.
Here. And I want you to take this.
This is mad money.
And don't take the subway.
There's a lot of weirdos. Take a cab.
- There's a lot of weirdos there?
- Yeah. You take a cab. Bye.
I don't mind that every job interview
he goes up on, he gets upset.
It doesn't really bother me
that he takes my clothes.
I can even put up with
his Fascist views.
But you know what bothers me?
What really ticks me off?
Is this and this!
He drinks everything but a drop,
then puts it back.
He takes bites of everything,
then puts it back.
He reads our magazines, hides them
before we get to read them!
- I'll have a talk with him.
- No, I want him out.
- He doesn't have a place.
- Your mother's.
They'd kill each other.
Why do you put him ahead of me?
- I don't.
- You do.
Decide, him or me.
You can't ask me to choose
between you and my family!
He's still family at your mother's.
I won't kick him out. And I hate you
for asking me to do this.
- You hate me?
- You're being mean and selfish.
- You're inconsiderate and stubborn.
- Oh, yeah?
I think you are a big, stupid slob!
I think you're big and stupid!
I may be big, but I am not stupid!
So you just get out of here!
- I pay half the rent!
- I pay all the utilities!
Fine!
Elvis is leaving the building!
Hey, I don't want him to go.
What happened?
Oh, yeah? Chase my daddy away,
I'll show you.
Here, here. Go ahead.
Hey, that's mine!
All the yelling. Here's what
I think of your little friend!
Oh, no!
Bye-bye, birdie!
Think you're a bird?
Let's see if you can fly now.
Oh, my friend!
You hurt my friend.
You creep!
- Who is it?
- It's me, Rona.
- Hi, hon.
- You mind if I stay the night?
I'm too scared to go to
my apartment. I was robbed.
Of course you can. What happened?
I went to put the key in the door
and I saw it was a little open.
I peeked in and the place was wrecked.
- What'd they get?
- Everything.
They got my telephone,
my stereo, my camera.
They got my grandfather's gold watch,
that pocket watch?
They got all my costume jewellery.
And some was really expensive.
The worst thing's the mess!
Everything was thrown around.
- Just when I was getting organized.
- Freeze!
Stuart, put the gun down.
Rona, this is my brother, Stuart.
Hi. What a surprise.
Mollie never said she had a brother.
Sorry for aiming this at you.
That's okay. No one was killed.
Come on. You can stay
in my room tonight.
It's nice meeting you.
Mollie said some wonderful things
about you.
- I'm not gonna tell you again.
- Move.
- You shove over. This is my side.
- Get your arm away.
You afraid you'll get recognized?
- Bitchir wheels.
- Ex cept I gotta ride beside her.
- Buzz off.
- Get your finger out of my eye.
You got a sister?
Better for you.
Mom tells them to be good,
they poke you in the eye.
Worse... Try and stay with me
when I'm talking to you.
What I'm saying is
your parents forget about you.
No, dude. Don't say that.
Well, the way it's going...
- See you later.
- I gotta bail, dude.
Mommy is so funny. She's always
doing something so inventive.
She's the greatest.
She's so clever.
Imagine using your hand
and turning it into a duck.
Sure, sure, laugh now.
Wait'll they take that big sharp
thing and stick you with it.
I hope they don't stick me today.
She'll be knocked out from the shot...
...so no operating heavy machinery.
I'm only 1,
and I know that's not funny.
What's that?
I can't watch this part.
Oh, my God!
Smarts, does it?
Hurts just a little?
Will this pain ever go away?!
Maybe it will. Maybe it won't.
Hey, look at this.
Look what I'm doing.
I'm walking.
Oh, my tush hurts.
Hey! My friend's back.
Now I remember.
He killed my friend.
As God is my witness,
I'm going to learn to walk...
...and get the hell out of here!
Mike, what do you say we see a movie?
What do you say you carry me
around for once?
Yeah, bite my teething ring.
All right, we got Schwarzenegger,
and we got Betty Boop.
Tough call. They're both really built.
They both talk funny.
What would Arnold say?
He'd say, " Do it. Why don't you do it?
You are here. See my movie. "
I think they're a little young,
don't you?
Yeah, he says we're too young.
You're not gonna pull...
...the "Sir, my kid left her shoe
inside. Can I go get it?" gag?
He won't go for it.
Sir, my kid left her shoe inside.
Can we get it?
- Thanks.
- Okay, I guess he went for it.
Mike, here. Remember
your obnoxious routine, okay?
- Remember it? I live for it.
- Say popcorn.
Popcorn! Popcorn!
Can I help you?
Yeah, the kids knocked over
the popcorn in the theatre.
Popcorn, popcorn!
All right, calm down.
Just a minute.
Hey, I can be obnoxious too!
Just go.
Oh, no, really? You're great.
Thanks.
Yeah. It's all right.
Always works.
Now look, you guys,
you know I'll be home soon.
If your mother doesn't stop bossing
me around, I'll never be a good dad.
I know that ice cream doesn't
make up for me not being home.
Yeah, well, it's a good start.
I miss you kids so much.
Please don't be mad at me
whatever she says, okay?
Remember, this has nothing
to do with you guys, all right?
It's not your fault,
and it's not your fault.
- I think it is his fault.
- I think it's your fault.
Me? You're the bad one.
I miss you so much.
Pop.
- You miss me?
- Yeah.
Ick. Male bonding makes me sick.
She needs to be changed.
Hi.
There you go, Mike.
Jimmy, have you given any more thought
to what we talked about?
What? You mean my being
a big stupid slob?
We gotta boom-a-boom, a-boom-boom.
Or my being selfish
and you wanting me out?
I got upset. I didn't think
you appreciated me getting that job.
- Mikey, stop it!
- All right, I'll do it soft.
I'm not one of the kids.
I can do things for myself.
Like becoming a pilot
when you fly two hours a week?
- It'll take until you're 50.
- For your information, I got a job.
- We got a boom, baby, boom...
- Knock it off!
Why'd they do that?
He was just working his plate.
I'm sorry, Julie.
Night, baby.
I said to this guy,
"What are you, some kind of idiot?"
I did!
I said, "File a schedule C."
That's right!
You would, huh?
- Would what?
- File a schedule C?
Yeah, I would.
Okay, I can do it holding on.
But I wonder if I can make it
all the way to the couch.
All right, here goes nothing.
Yeah, I'm doing it. I'm doing it!
I'm getting there. Yes!
I did it!
I made it! I walked!
Honey, you walked! You walked!
Stuart! You walked!
James! Julie...
Jimmy called. He'll pick up the kids.
Did he ask to talk to me at all?
It's only been a couple days.
Okay, fine, fine. Let's work.
I got a spouse who wants to
contribute into an IRA account.
Her husband's covered by a pension.
You'd lose a $2000 deduction.
I think you're being lazy.
You need to do a separate
and a joint return.
- I know.
- I know you know.
I know you know I know.
Get a load of this asshole here.
He's a teacher.
He figures that
his chair and his desk...
...are 1 I4 of his six-room apartment.
So he deducts
1 I24 of his residence as work space.
- Stuart, you can't do that.
- It's only 1 I24. Who will care?
He has a classroom
and a teacher's lounge.
And that's employer-provided
work space.
- You're strict.
- You could get away with it.
You want to be a criminal? Good.
What is wrong?
Well, look at us!
It's Saturday at 10:00,
and we're here with our 10-40s.
It's tax season!
I don't care.
We should be out having fun.
Hey, this is fun.
I know what's wrong.
- I know what you're thinking.
- What?
"What's Jimmy doing?
He's out having a ball. "
Yeah, "ball" being the operative word.
Mollie, come on.
He's probably on his sister's couch,
watching TV.
No, he's probably getting laid.
Thank you very much, Stuart!
Mr. Wonderful, my brother.
- It's just a physical thing.
- Just work.
- Rona, let's go get something to eat.
- Okay, let's go.
My wife would never let me
drive with the top down.
She'd say it causes skin cancer.
And she'd say these cause emphysema.
And this causes liver disease.
Oh, man!
What a rush! Oh, man!
My wife would have hated that.
How dull!
You have to have some fun in life.
You know what her idea
of living dangerously is?
Forgetting one of her vitamins.
What a snail!
Hey, let's go get some pork.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just wish James
would get here, so I can go to work.
Okay, you little brat,
let go of her head.
Let go! Just, just...
Hey! Everybody in the circle.
Everybody in the circle.
Just get in the circle!
Everybody together.
Who am I talking to here?
Now, Eddie, run this potty thing
by me once more.
You gotta take control
of the situation.
How do you do that?
You gotta say, "Hey, yo, pee pee,
I know you're in there.
But you're not coming out
till I say so!"
And the pee pees listen to you?
Sometimes they do,
sometimes they don't.
That's what grownups are for.
- Hey, buster, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
Hey, Joey. Need some help?
Get in a circle!
Indians dance in a circle! Help me!
Jews and Italians dance in circles.
- They like it.
- Let's help Joey out.
Do that step we do.
Do this, kids.
Good! All right!
- Elvis! Elvis!
- Elvis, my man!
Come on! Dance! Dance!
Come on, damn it, I'll slap you!
- Hey, twist. Twist!
- Turn, turn.
Come on, twist.
Follow me. That's it.
Follow him.
Here, I'll give you a dollar.
- Hey, showoff. Get out of here.
- Hey, Mike.
Oh, I'm having a stroke!
Oh, boy!
Come here, E Ivis.
I'm your kid, not them.
You hit me. You hit me.
Hey, Mollie. See you later.
What's with him?
He acts like I don't even exist.
I don't get it. Am I losing it?
Oh, man, Julie, if we're gonna
get your daddy back...
...we're gonna have
to do some serious packaging.
- Are you with me, kid?
- Yeah, let's dress up for Daddy!
- Jimmy, hi.
- Hey, Rona. You look good.
- Thanks, doll.
- All right, big boy. I'll see you.
No, no. Don't go.
- I gotta go.
- Mollie wants to talk.
- For what?
- Jimmy, talk to her. Be nice.
Oh, hi.
You seen my sunglasses?
Don't you think we should try
and work out some of your problems?
The biggest problem I got
is squinting my eyes all day.
Don't you even miss us?
Calling out the heavy artillery, huh?
- Do you always have to be a putz?
- Oh, pipe down!
Maybe I should try what Eddie said.
I'll have a talk with my pee pee.
I'm getting ready to go to the potty,
so don't come out.
I can feel them in there,
but maybe it's working.
Maybe Eddie was right.
Okay, let's see if I can make it.
Still feel them.
Maybe they're listening to me.
Okay, don't come out.
Don't come out.
It's getting a little tougher now.
Don't come out. I'm almost there.
I might make it.
Don't come out.
I had to pinch that one back.
Don't come out.
I might make it if I could just
get these doggone pants down.
Wait a minute, hold it.
Mommy! Daddy!
Mommy! Daddy!
Mommy! Daddy!
- What's wrong with him?
- What? What?
- Honey! What a good boy!
- Mike, you did it!
I'm not done.
Rona! Stuart!
Mikey went pee pee in the potty!
Pee pee in the potty
Pee pee in the potty
Pee pee in the potty
Isn't it great, sweetie?
Your brother went pee pee.
Big deal. I made a doodie.
I can't believe this!
What a big boy! Good boy.
I haven't felt this good
since he was born.
It's better than money.
It's better than aeroplanes.
It's better than sex!
Well, I don't know about that, but...
You hungry?
I gotta go.
- I could fix anything you want.
- I got a 9:00 flight.
But it's pouring!
It's better to be up
in the air pouring...
...than it is on a highway in cars.
Who said the highway was safe?
Every year there's 200,000
fatalities related to the rain.
Rona! You want some chicken?
It depends on how it turns out.
Okay, so what do you need?
Paprika, vegetables?
Hey, Mollie.
Do you want some chicken?
- Hurricane Jonathan spreading damage.
- I don't eat meat.
Forecast calls for increased winds.
That's it.
I have to talk to Jimmy.
This is crazy.
This is Mollie Ubriacco.
Can I speak to my husband?
- He's on the field.
- He is? Has he taxied out yet?
- Not yet.
- Can somebody get him?
- It's an emergency.
- No.
- Could you reach him on his phone?
- No.
Damn! All right, all right.
What terminal is he in?
Airborne Express terminal.
- What ramp?
- You'll have to come in and ask.
Okay, thank you very much.
Stuart, I've gotta go get James.
You feed the kids their dinner.
Do not give them any diet Coke
like last time.
Excuse me.
Where's Jimmy?
- Where's he going?
- Reno or something like that.
Wait! Hold it!
Wait a minute!
- New York Centre, 135.9.
47, Poppa.
What're you doing here?
- It was an emergency.
- You shouldn't be here.
No, you shouldn't be here.
It's too dangerous.
I've told you,
we fly around the weather.
You can't fly around it.
It's wall-to-wall storms.
Didrt you listen to the news?
- The news always upsets you.
- Forget the news.
- I have a gut feeling you shouldn't fly!
- We don't need your gut feeling.
We got sophisticated instruments
that tell me exactly where I can go.
I got clearance
and I'm leaving, so go.
- I'm not leaving without you.
- Get out.
- I'm not leaving.
- Get out!
47 Poppa, due to adverse weather
we're cancelling all flights.
Do you read me, 47 Poppa?
Okay, that's 47 Poppa.
You can cancel our flight plan.
Roger, 47 Poppa.
So I guess this time
your feeling was right, huh?
Does that make you happy?
Jimmy, I love you.
I don't care anymore
if I'm right or wrong.
You do too, you liar.
Well, I sort of like being right.
But I do love you.
I love you too.
I got you! Attack!
It's coming through!
Bombs away!
A little napalm ought
to slow you down, colonel.
Thank God they left me
with a responsible adult.
I got you! I got you!
Charge! I got you!
Yes, you are my prisoner!
Okay, I give up.
I surrender. I surrender.
How about a little squirt
in the nostril?
Let me get the chicken.
This ain't over. This ain't over.
I'll get my troops together.
We'll be back.
Mikey, watch Julie, okay?
Why? Is she gonna do something
besides slobber?
Freeze! Okay, put the bag down.
Slow. Nobody's gonna get hurt.
Come on.
Put the bag down.
Shit.
Stop!
The kids are gonna be so excited.
- Who's watching them?
- Stuart.
Stuart! Oh, no.
What are you, nuts?
Everything'll be all right.
Holy cow!
Okay, stay calm.
Just get Uncle Stuart.
Uncle Stuart! Uncle Stuart!
Uncle Stuart!
Oh, great!
Stop that guy!
Hey, where's Mommy?
I don't know where Uncle Stuart is,
but we gotta get out.
This is too much hot stuff.
Mikey, this stuff is scary!
- It's okay, Julie.
- I'm afraid.
I'll take care of you. I don't know
where that bonehead Uncle Stuart is.
Now keep your hands in, Julie.
Don't touch anything.
What did you do that for?
I had him whipped.
- Did you want me to let him kill you?
- What?!
- Where are the kids?
- They're upstairs.
Oh, my God!
I'll take the stairs.
Okay, here we go.
I think we're safe.
- That was close.
- How did you get down here?
- We just walked.
- Technically, I was pushed.
- Call the fire department.
- Okay. Come on, baby.
"Turn, open and press. "
Yes! Yes!
I chased him down here.
We were going down some fire escape.
I chased him down. I jumped
on the guy and I sucker-punched him.
He is amazing, isn't he?
Stuart, let's get married!
Yeah!
You're lucky the fire didn't spread.
- Thank God I got that extinguisher.
- I got the fire extinguisher.
- I got the fire exting...
- No, I bought it.
Who left the kids with Stuart?
That was a pretty bonehead idea, huh?
Good answer.
I'm worried about you
barbecuing all the time.
- Will you relax?
- It's not good for the environment.
We just got one of these
brand-new outdoor electric stoves.
They don't do anything bad.
You're such a nudge.
I don't know how you put up with her.
Tune her out. Tune her out.
- I'm trying to educate you people!
- We're getting along fine.
Rona, how do you like
living with Stuart?
Mikey, okay.
You got me out of the hot stuff.
I don't get it.
Listen. You know,
hot stuff can be very bad for you.
It's especially not good for kids.
But I thought you hated me.
You're always mean to me and stuff.
Yeah, well, I do hate you
a lot of the time.
You drive me crazy, you bug me...
...you poke me in the eye,
but you're my sister.
It's my job to love you.
We gotta stick together.
The way I see it,
there's us and there's them.
Yeah, big ones don't make any sense.
You never know what
big ones are gonna do.
That's for sure.
That's why we have to stick together.
You and me.
You and me?
That's right. You and me.
We're the kids!
Yeah.
Oh, my tush hurts.