I think your bookkeeper
paid for the flatware twice.
Albert, stop.
I can't do this any more.
Mollie, I love you and you love me.
Albert, you're great in bed
and you're my biggest account...
...but you're married!
And I'll never fall in love with
anyone else while I'm seeing you.
You know I'm leaving Beth.
It just takes time.
Every time I say the word divorce,
she loses five pounds.
I'm sorry she's bulimic.
- I can't wait for you forever.
- It's going to work out soon.
The doctor prescribed new pills
and she's starting ballet classes.
- It'll be like the playwriting.
- She knows this can't make her fat.
She said
writing made her ass spread.
Which is insane, she's got
a great ass for a 40-year-old.
I'll tell Mr. Ross to give
your account to someone else.
I won't let him. I'll never let
anyone else touch my books.
God, Mollie, I'm going to burst
if you don't kiss me soon.
Follow me. I know where I'm going.
I've got the map. Come on.
Come on, keep up, you kids.
Here we go.
Wait a minute, I see something.
I think this is it,
right over here.
This is definitely it.
This is the place.
Jackpot!
Right down here, kids.
Here we go.
Dig in, you kids. Here we go.
It's kind of tough here.
Oh, oh...
I'm in!
Are you okay?
- I broke up with George.
- Who?
George. I met him in Joe Allen's.
He turned out to be stupid.
You look lousy, doll.
- Stomach flu. It's going around.
- Nobody has the stomach flu.
They don't?
You want to hear about Albert?
- Listen to me.
- I am.
Albert's shrink said his wife would
never recover if he kept seeing me.
- He's decided to leave her.
- Albert's leaving his wife?
No, he's leaving his shrink. She was
really an obstacle between us.
Leaving his shrink?
He's supposed to leave his wife.
He's going to. He can't leave her
while she's sick. She's bulimic.
Don't give me that look.
It's a very serious disease.
What in the... Wait a minute.
I've got two of these things.
Look at that, they match.
- You ate all that already?
- How weird, I don't like ice cream.
- There he is.
- This is sick.
He looks so sweet with the kids.
If only Beth would stop throwing up.
Miss Popularity, you can't expect to
find a husband if you never go out.
- You're in every night of the week.
- Ma, it's tax season.
I was studying to pass a CPA exam, -
- and I still managed
to catch your father.
What if Daddy was married
when you first met him?
- I wouldn't have fallen for him.
- You can't control that.
Why not?
Listen, take your father here...
His favourite food was cheesecake,
and what did the doctor tell him?
- "Cut back on cholesterol."
- Now he doesn't eat cheesecake.
Ma, that doesn't make any sense.
You never used to like my food.
Something's wrong.
- Nothing's wrong.
- Louie, something's wrong.
- I didn't eat breakfast.
- Something's wrong.
No.
Oh, no!
- Yes!
- Oh, no!
- This wasn't a planned pregnancy?
- This wasn't even a planned affair.
Well...
let's see how far along we are.
Time out! Holy cow,
what was that? Who's that?
How could this have happened?
- How old are you now, Mollie?
- 33.
Remember,
your biological clock is ticking.
Beth finally agreed to a divorce.
Mollie, I'm so glad you waited.
I knew if I was patient,
this day would come.
Remember your biological clock.
My biological clock is ticking...
I know, I've already said that.
I didn't plan on this.
I'm not asking for anything.
I don't want to trap you.
But this baby... it's you and
me, and I'm not getting an abortion.
I wasn't going to ask you to.
This will be an incredible baby.
He'll have your sweet face
and my business sense.
- We'll get little Armani diapers.
- It will be a great kid.
Having my baby
what a way to say you love me
Albert, you're making me sick.
I hate that song.
Stop singing.
She gets sick, I get sick.
What are you going to tell people?
That I got artificially inseminated.
What?
How could you do such a thing?
I went to the clinic
and bought some frozen sperm.
- I inserted it, now I'm pregnant.
- Where's the frozen pop?
- There's no frozen pop.
- There's no husband.
I control my life
and I want to have a baby.
This kind of thing a girl does
if she's very ugly or a lesbian.
This is not the act
of a beautiful intelligent girl.
You never liked
any of my boyfriends, anyway.
- Where did this sperm come from?
- A medical student.
He goes to Columbia.
His parents live on the Island.
His father's in piece goods.
His mother works in cosmetics.
So you're making fun of me.
Wait, you'll see.
Someday you'll have children.
Look... an arm. It's an arm.
Look... isn't it cute?
Here's the head... isn't it?
Get some apple juice down here!
- Thirsty?
- Go ahead.
"The sex organs are moulded
out of similar tissue folds."
"By the second trimester
they are identifiable."
Look, another arm
coming in down there...
How am I going to get that
in my mouth?
Miss, excuse me...
- What can I do for you?
- Albert is expecting me.
He's in with his decorator.
You can wait over there.
- I think you're going to enjoy it.
- I'm sure I will.
- Remember to dust it every day.
- See you later.
Hi, come on in.
Albert, was that woman pretty?
- No, you're pretty.
- I look like a big, fat pilgrim.
How do you like the desk?
- It's made of stone.
- It's all right.
It's going to be great in here.
This is all going.
I'm having a custom-made mural
of an ancient Navajo design.
Leather craftsmen in Mexico
are going to make all new couches.
- What do you think?
- I like the deco stuff.
- Don't gain too much weight.
- My doctor says my weight is fine.
Beth only gained 21 pounds.
She jogged three miles a day.
- Maybe you should marry her.
- Don't start.
- I've got problems, too.
- Sorry. I'm afraid of giving birth.
- I've never been real big on pain.
- You been to Lamaze?
I quit.
It's just a bunch of breathing.
It's so much better for the baby.
When Beth had Priscilla...
I'm so sick of hearing about Beth!
How could you be in love with her
and then in love with me?
I have a degree.
She took belly-dancing lessons.
When I found out I was pregnant,
I decided to make out a will.
When Beth had the girls, she had
a reading of their past lives.
- And you're still with her!
- Oh yeah? Look at this receipt.
- Galleria Apartments.
- I moved out. I did it.
I put down a deposit this morning.
I can't believe it!
Should I come by tonight?
You'd better not.
We've still got to be careful.
Albert, I'm so happy!
I wonder if this store
has a bathroom. I have to go again.
I love this... Look,
it takes two of them to cover me.
- Yeah, but you're having a baby.
- You try it on.
- Should I have a baby with Neal?
- Do you love him?
No.
Try some of that
Nobel Prize winners' sperm.
Don't you want a smart baby?
That's all I need. A baby
telling me what an idiot I am.
- I found a nice family man.
- Except it's someone else's family.
That's why he left.
He loves me and we're having baby.
It sounds like the people
in the next compartment are.
- Mollie!
- Albert!
- Let me explain...
- These dresses aren't paid for.
- Don't take this shit from him.
- I'm going to call the cops.
After you. Thank you.
- Albert, what's going on?
- Mollie, I've fallen in love.
Beth knows.
I'm going to live with Melissa.
I don't know if it'll last.
It just happened.
Why didn't you say anything to me?
You were so close
to the end of your pregnancy.
I don't believe this is happening.
This sounds awful, but
I'm going through a selfish phase.
- A selfish phase?
- I admit the timing is bad.
- A selfish phase?
- It just happened.
A selfish phase!
Albert, you dick.
- You lousy prick!
- Leave him alone.
- Come on.
- Here.
Hey, what the...
- Wait, please, I'm in labour.
- I was here first.
Asshole! Taxi! Please...
St. Jerome's Hospital.
Oh, shit!
- Slow down! It can take hours.
- So can the midtown traffic.
Pull over till the ludes wear off.
God, you idiot!
Come on, move it.
Christ, this traffic...
We're going as fast as we can.
Hold onto my hand. Bear down, that's
what they say in the hospital.
- Come on, move it.
- God, my water just broke.
- Hey, buddy, move it.
- You can't get through here.
- I've got an emergency.
- Sorry, buddy, move it.
Just relax.
Hold on, we're almost there.
Look out! You're going to hit...!
Hold on!
You stupid son of a...!
- Are you doing your Lamaze?
- Look out!
- Breathe deep.
- Don't try to help, just drive!
You've got to use Lamaze.
My sister-in-law used it.
- It's better for the kid.
- All men are stupid idiots.
- Should I call your husband?
- I don't have a husband.
- I was artificially inseminated.
- Are you a lesbo?
Stupid jerk! My kid will probably
be brain damaged because of you.
Don't touch me! I'll have this baby
without you touching me.
- Excuse me, I'm in labour.
- Do you have your medical card?
- I left it at home.
- I have to have your medical card.
- This is my first baby.
- She's getting close. Upstairs.
You didn't finish this.
I cannot do my job...
- Put these on over your clothes.
- I'm not the father.
- Nurse, another one's coming.
- Deep breaths, come on.
Okay, this'll pass. Watch the head.
God! I need some drugs.
- Slow down your breathing.
- Fuck my breathing!
- You've got to calm down.
- Get me some drugs.
- No, you don't want drugs.
- I do. I'm going to split in two.
By the time they
take effect she could be delivering.
- But what about now?
- I'm waiting for a doctor.
Are you a doctor? Come on.
- Water break?
- Half an hour ago.
- Are we doing our Lamaze breathing?
- I dropped out of Lamaze.
I'll go to summer school
if you make the pain stop.
- How about some Demerol?
- God, that'd be great!
I'd like some of that.
Give me a lot of it.
So it doesn't wear off
during the birth.
I think maybe I'm in a bit more pain
than most of your patients.
Be sure and give me enough.
- There we go.
- Thank you a really lot.
That is a little more like it.
Hey, here's Mr. Hand here.
Now that is very cosmic.
I don't understand...
What's that light down there?
That's it, breathe!
Attagirl, push. One more.
Stop with that pushing!
I'm falling!
Help!
No, put me back in! Let go
of my head and put me back inside!
It's a boy.
It's a boy.
Who are you?
Lady, I'm freezing. I'm so cold.
Get that thing away from me.
- You want to do the cord?
- No, you take this one.
I need that!
Lady, a blanket,
something, I'm frosty out here.
No, don't do that!
Where are we going now?
Hey, don't drop me.
Oh, very nice...
I don't know about you,
but I'm beat.
So you're the one
that's been kicking me.
You're the one
that ate the spicy food.
This is the weirdest thing that's
ever happened to me... so far.
I don't get it. I just don't
get it. Where did I go wrong?
Where are my thumbs?
I want to suck my thumbs.
- I have to get my own place.
- I've been reincarnated so quickly?
What a surprise!
Who stole my sucking thing?
I need my sucking thing!
I just remembered
I hate childhood.
Look at all those daddies.
Making goofball faces
and taking pictures of their babies.
You won't find your father here.
I really messed things up for you.
Don't be upset.
I'm going to find you a daddy.
And not just some handsome guy
I'm in love with.
You're all that matters to me.
I'll get you the best daddy ever.
Out, down, in, out...
Well, we got that.
What have you got there?
A hand?
Yeah, two of them.
Oh, my God!
"On the third or fourth day
your breasts may swell slightly."
Slightly?
I look like a Russ Meyer movie.
Workman.
- Oh, no! Sorry.
- Real nice.
- You got your figure back.
- This is not my figure.
Sorry I hit you and yelled at you,
but I was in a lot of pain.
I still owe you that cab fare,
but somebody stole my purse.
- How do you like New York so far?
- It's my kind of town.
I'll get you the rest later...
Wait a minute...
- How did you know where I lived?
- You left it in the cab.
Thanks.
You should look through that thing.
You've still got your diaphragm.
Don't smoke that around my baby.
There's a 62% higher rate of cancer
in people who live with smokers.
What are you trying to say?
You don't want me to move in yet?
Do you think the drugs
had any effect on him?
- How did you know I had drugs?
- I don't. I didn't.
You can tell in his eyes.
He looks stoned.
- He does not. He looks perfect.
- You don't look so hot yourself.
If you tried passing a watermelon,
how hot would you look?
Ouch! I should call
my mother more often. Get it?
- Do you want a sub?
- No, will you just watch him?
Don't take him out of his chair
and don't touch him a whole lot.
Hi, Mikey. I'm James.
- Good to meet you.
- Do you mind if I suck on that?
- How long have you been here?
- About five years.
- Were you born in New York?
- Are you with the census bureau?
How do you like the outside world?
It's weird, isn't it?
- Yeah, tell me about it.
- Here, your first lesson in coffee.
- Can you say black coffee?
- No.
Regular coffee has two sugars and
milk... which they have forgotten.
Can I borrow some of yours?
Coffee regular, I love it.
That's breast milk.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- You're on your own.
I'll see you guys later.
I'm going to take my sub and
my breast milk and get out of here.
I've got something
cold and wet in my shorts.
Could you get somebody for me?
Fellas?
You guys are no help. I'm cold and
wet and there's nothing I can do.
It's okay, Mikey. Mommy's here.
That Mommy person's here again.
She's okay. I like her.
I start crying
and she comes in with a bottle.
Crying, I can handle that.
Taxi!
Taxi!
"80% of all women experience
post-partum depression."
I won't.
Like a lot of parents, I can't
always be there on birthdays.
Help, somebody burp me
before I blow up.
That's it! You have some exotic
disease and I look like a zombie.
And your father deserted us so he
could pork his interior decorator.
I think you can safely say
that it can't get any worse.
- Hello!
- I was wrong.
Where's my grandson?
There he is.
- Mikey, do you know who I am?
- No, actually, I don't.
- I'm your grandma.
- Okay, if you say so.
- Yes, I am.
- What do you want from me?
- Who's got a wet tushy?
- I give up.
After a new diaper, I like
some of that white stuff on me.
If you had a man instead of a frozen
pop, all this would be put together.
You make it sound like I had
an affair with a frozen dessert.
- You look awful.
- Thank you.
You're using too much powder.
Why don't you get out of the house?
I'm going to give Mikey a bath.
A what?
She's gone!
Who would you want
as your child's father?
Someone with a small mouth
and good hair...
- A guy to help raise your child.
- Are there men who do that?
I'm looking for a guy
who's not married, -
- not into drugs, not a deadbeat,
but not a workaholic.
- And cute.
- Cute is of no importance.
You're my first date
since my baby was born.
This looks delicious.
What is this?
I asked for well done. This is raw.
I asked for no dressing,
this is covered with slop.
Are you deaf or something?
Who do I have to kill to get a roll?
What's this "C" in algebra?
How many times did we go over it?
Are you an idiot?
Dating is difficult, but you've got
to take a chance in life sometime.
I'm not so sure about that.
Excuse me.
This fork and this plate are dirty,
and there's something in the water.
Check your water.
Mikey, what is this mess?
Sort out these socks.
Why are school shirts
mixed up with after-school shirts?
Straighten this up properly.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Somebody call for a cab?
- Yeah, small world.
More mail for Vincent Ubriacco.
I don't even know this guy.
Let me have them. Put them up here,
the postman will take care of them.
- It's good seeing you again.
- You, too. See you.
- You're stealing my mail!
- I'm not stealing your mail.
- You put it in your pocket!
- These are mine.
- I sent them here. I'll explain.
- I'm going to call the police.
My grandfather Vincent
needs an old-age home -
- and there's a place in Manhattan,
but he needs to be a resident.
You want to use my mailing address?
I could have you arrested. Screwing
with the mail is a federal offence.
Stealing mail is,
not screwing with it.
- Can I get the other letters?
- No, I don't want to get involved.
I went out of my way
to bring you back your purse.
Thank you very much,
but this happens to be illegal.
You're not going to get caught.
I'll do something for you, okay.
- I'll baby-sit.
- Come on...
- You don't know about babies.
- My sister has kids.
- I know a lot about babies.
- All right, Friday night.
- No can do, Friday's out.
- Then forget the whole deal.
- Okay, Friday, but that's it.
- And during my aerobics classes.
- One aerobics class.
- Saturday.
Can't do. I teach.
What do you teach?
Taxi driver's ed?
- That's not funny.
- Here's the deal.
Friday nights, two aerobics classes,
and you can't bring chicks over.
You're pushing it.
All right, it's a deal.
- Sucker.
- Good.
- Don't force-feed him like that.
- I'm not!
- Why don't you take a nap?
- He doesn't need a nap.
- He knows when he's tired.
- I'm not tired at all.
If he doesn't take a nap -
- he will wake up and want
to eat when it's time to sleep.
- Who says?
- All those doctors.
- They just want to sell books.
- Dr. Spock is not like that.
Dr. Spock loves us. He protested
during the Vietnam war.
I'm sorry I said anything
about Dr. Spock.
I can't believe she's getting
upset about a Vulcan.
- Have you got any other letters?
- They're in the hallway.
Mommy's asleep. Watch this.
What do you say you and me take
a ride so your mother can sleep?
- Is that a deal?
- Just bring the milk.
See that? That's my cab.
I do this to make money,
but not for long.
Okay, this is called driving.
When you get older,
I'll teach you how.
First, you put the little stick
in the hole.
Then you move your foot
back and forth. Okay, what next?
You move the big circle around.
No problem, I can do this.
I can drive.
- Hey.
- Hey, Jimmy.
That silver plane is a V J-10.
That big plane is a Viscount.
- Hey, Carrie.
- What a sweetie.
- Is it yours?
- Yeah, but he needs a mother.
I'm kidding. Is this my schedule?
- There's nothing on it.
- I'm sorry.
Do these things come in different
sizes? What are these, jumbos?
- What are you staring at?
- Lunch.
Mikey?
Mikey?
I want to report a missing baby.
Maybe he was kidnapped,
or maybe he's with a complete idiot!
Hey, Grandpa.
That's Grandpa.
Do I know you?
- Jimmy!
- Grandpa.
- I don't remember your baby.
- It's a friend of mine's.
- You sure it isn't yours?
- I've got more teeth than him.
What are those hairy jobs
over your eyes?
Let me see those things.
There we go. How does that feel?
- Mikey, lay off him.
- What a crack-up.
- Honey, I'm home.
- Me, too.
- Hey, you're up.
- My baby! Honey, honey...
Mommy and her baby...
Idiot! I called the police.
I was worried out of my mind.
- You knew I was with him.
- You might be a kidnapper.
- I was baby-sitting for you.
- That means the baby stays here!
Damn it! I got a splinter.
Let me see it.
- Have you got a needle?
- In there.
Sit down.
Oh, stop.
If you don't hold still,
I can't do this. It doesn't hurt.
It hurts. Don't do it that way.
- You're poking me!
- Hold still while I get it out.
- It can't hurt that much.
- How would you know?
- Look at that. That's a big one.
- I've never had one that big in me.
- All better.
- Mikey needs a nap.
Mikey, I've got to go.
See you.
Ready? High-five.
Low-five. Baby-five. Bye.
- Bye.
- My little angel-head.
- Mollie, who was that?
- The babysitter.
The babysitter?
He's not the frozen pop, is he?
- Ma!
- All right, give me the baby.
- Ma...
- What?
- You ever get bored with Daddy?
- How can I get bored with Daddy?
Mikey needs a father.
- I just can't find the right guy.
- Mikey will like whoever you like.
- I don't like anybody.
- You know what the secret is?
Find someone you have something
in common with, like Daddy and me.
We both like to go to the movies.
I know someone perfect for you.
He's in Daddy's firm. He's handsome
and smart. You'll love him.
Hello! Rosie didn't tell me
you were beautiful.
I'm surprised, that's usually
the first thing she says.
Come on in.
This is my son Michael. I'll get
dressed. Make yourself comfortable.
- Hi, little guy.
- Who's this yutz?
Are you watching some TV?
Don't touch that.
I don't want to watch football.
Hey, it's the bear show.
Look at that.
- Leave it on football.
- Leave it alone.
- That guy's a good actor.
- Cut it out. It's the play-offs!
You dick.
- Baby! Hot mama!
- You're such a goofball.
- Don't I look good?
- You look slightly cute.
- What are you all dressed up for?
- I've got a hot date.
You'd better call her.
I'm going to be late.
Yeah, right. You've got a date
with an accountant. 9:30 tops.
- Don't count on it.
- Besides, my woman will wait.
Harry, this is the babysitter.
I'll just get my coat.
- I'm just watching the game here.
- Yeah, I've got money on this game.
So you're an accountant?
You and Mollie will get along great.
- She's a CPA.
- I know, her mom told me.
It's got to be tough
being a mom and a CPA.
But Mollie is tough. She hates it
when guys open doors for her -
- or pick up the tab.
It really pisses her off.
- She's liberated?
- Come on. A guy babysitter?
Come here, Mikey.
Say bye-bye to Mama.
- Do this.
- Jeez!
Give it back.
This is really embarrassing.
May I just say one thing?
- You look better without it.
- I think so, too.
- Sexy.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll leave it off.
- Great.
Bye-bye. See you.
Mikey, high-five.
- Yeah, all right.
- Who was that clown?
It was very uncomfortable.
A kind of bloated, gassy...
belchy sensation.
I'd sit down in the bathroom...
and nothing would happen.
Nothing would come out.
I called my doctor about two...
...three weeks after this started.
He said I'd better come in
and have an ultrasound.
- What was I saying?
- Ultrasound.
So I went in for the ultrasound
and they checked it out.
It wasn't gallstones.
They didn't know what it was.
The doctor said I'd better have
an upper G. I. So I went in again.
- Have you ever had a barium enema?
- Not recently.
It's disgusting,
but I did get to see my colon on TV.
Is it true that colons
look 10 pounds heavier on TV?
How so?
They never do that for me.
Get on my knee.
- Hold it. Okay.
- Get down, Mikey.
Yeah, I can do that.
Let's walk.
I'm dancing. I'm bad.
- Check me out now.
- Jump.
Hey, can I get paid?
Two, please.
Are you ready?
I'm gonna throw up,
but I like it!
Okay, shake it up.
Right on.
Ready? Shake it, Mikey.
Let's go.
Aeroplane.
Mikey's a plane.
Look at that boy.
All right.
Finally, I passed the stone.
It's the most excruciating thing
you can have, next to giving birth.
- I had a really good time tonight.
- I bet you did.
A lot of guys would feel threatened
by a woman always wanting to pay.
- What?
- Your babysitter told me.
- He did, did he?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- No, I really have to go up.
- Come on, Mollie, it's early.
- Yeah, but I'm broke.
Jerk.
Shit!
I'm home.
You can go on your date now.
- Hey, Mikey!
- Sarah, how are you doing?
- I want to talk to you.
- Sorry, got to go.
Right back at you, babe.
- Hiya, Mickey.
- Look at that hat.
- Megan, good to see you.
- Mikey, where've you been?
- Did you get your hair cut?
- Yeah, what do you think?
I hate it.
My mother did it herself.
It looks great.
I used to have curls at the end.
- I remember.
- I was the one with the cute curls.
- Now they're gone.
- You're still cute.
- I look like a boy. No offence.
- Nice talking to you.
How many babies does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
- How many?
- What's a light bulb?
I don't get it.
Where's she going?
Who's that big guy?
- Who is he?
- That's okay. That's her daddy.
What's a daddy? What do they do?
The big men types
who hang around with the mommies.
I get it. Maybe I'll ask James
to be my daddy.
We'll eat all the pudding now...
- I still ain't eating it.
- Yummy.
All right, don't look at Mommy.
You've got to love her.
Watch this, Mikey.
- Now that's entertainment.
- Not in front of Mikey.
- Look at the look on his face.
- He looks like his father.
You said
you were artificially inseminated.
I was, but I never make that face.
I assume his father does.
You know what I thought
you'd enjoy doing today?
- Go to my grandfather's new home.
- You thought I'd enjoy that?
Yeah, you'd enjoy it...
Maybe you'd sign a few papers.
You are such a baby. If you want me
to do something, just ask.
Would you please come with me
to sign these papers?
- That's how you handle a woman.
- Really?
You want to go to lunch
at North Eastern Life Insurance?
- Employees get free lunches.
- We'll get caught.
I must know 20 ways
to get a free lunch in this town.
- You do this a lot?
- Sure.
I don't pay for L.D.'s, either.
Long distance phone calls.
I go up to a company receptionist.
I pretend I'm a lost messenger,
and they let me use their phone.
I wouldn't be driving this cab
if I made more instructing.
- What do flight instructors make?
- If I hustle, about 1,100...
...a month.
But I get to accumulate air time.
- Give me my bag!
- He's not stealing our bags.
- I've got my teeth in there.
- They're coming with us.
Tell him not to touch my teeth.
Welcome, gramps.
- Are we stopping for a bite to eat?
- No, this is your new place.
- They got good shrimp here?
- And lobster.
This is it. Enjoy your stay.
Grandpa, this is great.
You've got a terrific view.
No roommate to bug you. Television.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
He's got a sweet tooth.
Give him one candy bar a day.
- Just don't let him find the bag.
- No problem.
That smells good.
- Grandpa, that smells good.
- I'd like to see you eat it.
Watch this.
Let me try that.
- What do you want?
- Mollie helped us get this place.
The woman has thousands more nerves
in the sexual organs than the man.
- I bet the kid's not even yours.
- That's it! Be nice.
He's worse at this than I am.
Let me give you a hand.
Come on, taste it.
Open wide.
- Thank you for helping me.
- You're welcome.
- You want to go flying?
- That would be way too expensive.
- Maintenance flights are free.
- You get everything for free.
Free phone calls, free lunches...
You're a scam artist.
I've got the town wired. If we were
poor, we'd still live like kings.
- Fly with me.
- I'm not that kind of person.
- Come on. Are you scared?
- No, I'm not scared!
- Where are the parachutes?
- There are no parachutes.
Didn't you ever see
"The Buddy Holly Story", "La Bamba"?
There's one big difference.
They were rock legends. You're not.
- Is your wing smoking?
- No... Oh, my God!
- It was just a joke to relax you.
- I'm just so nervous.
I feel so out of control.
I'll give you your first lesson.
Put your hand on my stick.
- I'm not touching your stick.
- This is not a sexual thing.
That feels good, baby.
Get familiar with the stick.
- There you go, you're flying.
- I'm flying!
I'm doing a good job. This is easy!
What a good sensation!
- It's like great sex, isn't it?
- I personally wouldn't remember.
- He's pretty tired.
- He's had a busy day.
- Do you want a drink?
- Do you want to watch a movie?
Stop it!
Stop yelling or your father will
give you something to yell about.
Knock it off!
Princess,
you're making my mouth water.
I'm hungry.
Hold your horses, or I'll knock you
from here to kingdom come.
You know that dumpster behind
the supermarket? Look what I found.
A perfectly good head of lettuce,
just peel off the outer layers.
Who wants a surprise?
Could be lunch meat or peaches.
The point is this: Just because
it's free, don't mean it's no good.
- Do we live like kings, or what?
- We sure do.
Again!
Wait a minute.
- I'm sorry, I really do want this.
- I do, too.
- It's Mikey.
- He's asleep.
I have to be very clear
on the choices I make for him.
I can't make any more mistakes
that are going to hurt Mikey.
- But I'm crazy about Mikey.
- I know that I was leading you on.
You're such a good kisser and
I haven't had sex in a long time...
Goodbye. Please... Goodbye.
- Mollie, could I talk to you?
- Hold just a minute, please.
Just between you and me,
what's with you and Chubby Charles?
What do you mean?
Pearlman's doing the bank recs.
Rubenstein's doing the quarterlies.
Now Albert's returns are due.
So what's with you?
I traded Rubenstein two accounts
for the Chubby Charles account.
I can't do it anymore...
It's personal.
We're accountants...
we're not personal.
- I don't...
- You've worked for him for years.
Now, with all the new tax laws,
you desert him.
- You don't understand...
- I want you up there tomorrow.
Don't give me that look.
And you, get back to work.
Please, give me a second chance.
This has been like a bad dream.
I felt so guilty
leaving Beth and the girls.
You've been such an asshole,
I'd have to torture you.
That's okay. I want you to.
- Mollie, Mollie...
- What?
- I'll burst if I don't kiss you.
- Tough!
Albert can see you now.
- Mollie, how's Mickey?
- Mikey.
- Is he talking yet?
- No.
Crawling?
I remember Astrid crawling...
I'm not interested in your stories.
- I've been meaning to talk to you.
- I'm here to do your taxes.
Eyelash tinting,
body wraps, facials...
- You can't deduct any of this crap.
- And the exercise instructor?
Not unless she suffered any injury.
What's the little woman been up to?
Is Priscilla sick?
These doctor bills are for her.
Therapy.
Beth communicaes with the dead.
It really frightens Priscilla.
We're all seeing a psychiatrist now.
I've been learning a lot.
- I'm happy for you, Albert.
- I know you've been through a lot.
You've got to believe I love you.
I never meant for this to go bad.
- It just turned out that way.
- It took $20, 000 to find that out?
- Do you have a picture of Mickey?
- Mikey!
- I think about you two every day.
- You'd never know it.
I try to call, but I can't do it.
I'm too ashamed.
I'm afraid of what you'll say.
I've been so confused.
- He has my eyes.
- I know.
It's confusing loving someone
who looks like someone you hate.
Could I see him?
All right.
I'll be home this evening.
Next time you talk to your mom,
put in a good word in for me.
Hit me. Hit it again.
- No... yeah?
- Hit it again.
- I know what I'm doing.
- Damn! You won again.
I told you I could play. I've been
thinking about this daddy business.
I want you to be my daddy.
I'll tell Mommy.
- Who is it?
- Mollie?
- Is Mollie here?
- No, she's at aerobics class.
- Is Mikey here? I'm his father.
- His father?
- Are you the sperm donor?
- I'm the kid's father?
- He's from artificial insemination.
- I've known Mollie for years.
- I have a key.
- We're changing it.
- What?
- That's my kid in there. Let me by.
If you are the father,
answer me a few questions.
- When was he born?
- July third.
What's his favourite toy,
Fred or Barney? Fred?
No, Barney. How many diapers
does he go through a day? Six.
- A father should know.
- How much is she paying you?
- Go play some video games.
- Don't give me that shit.
Come on, Dad. Let's go.
Go for the body!
Get out of here!
Yes, that feels good.
- What happened?
- Who's Albert?
- Why, was he here?
- Is he Mikey's father?
- You lied about the insemination.
- He was married.
Do you love him?
- What?
- Do you love him?
I don't know who I love.
The only thing that matters to me
is who's best for Mikey.
Albert is successful, responsible
and he's good to his other kids.
- I don't want him seeing Mikey.
- Don't start pulling this on me.
- He has a right to see his son.
- Where has he been all year?
- You are not his father.
- I'm the closest thing he's got.
Look at you. You're like a big kid.
Are you responsible enough
to be a father?
Is getting pregnant by a married man
responsible?
- Stop it.
- You stop it.
I've seen you use Mikey to push guys
away, and now you're doing it to me.
- Get out!
- I live here!
Can a person past
a certain age change?
Daddy's lipids fell to 185.
I'm not talking about cholesterol.
Can someone become nicer?
I don't know.
When you met Daddy at that dance,
did you know he'd be a good father?
- I liked the look of his uniform.
- They all wore uniforms.
I didn't like
the sailors' bell-bottoms.
You had no idea if he was
a mature responsible person.
If I thought like that, we wouldn't
have had so much fun the first week.
You're grossing me out.
Don't talk about sex and Daddy.
Hi, Lupe.
I just want to talk to Mikey
for a minute.
Hey, Gerber-face, high-five.
Look, Mikey... I don't know
if I can keep coming to see you.
- What's the matter?
- It's your mom.
She's got this crazy idea
that I wouldn't make a good father.
She probably wouldn't
have picked my father, either.
I think he did an okay job.
Want to hear some fatherly advice?
Hi, Lupe.
- The man's in the baby's room.
- Okay, I'll write you a check.
He said, "Don't hit girls,
even if they're asking for it."
What about pushing them?
He'd say, "Finish your meat,
you know how much that cost?"
The one that sticks out the most
was probably...
"If your friend jumps off a bridge,
does that mean you've got to?"
To this very day,
I still use that piece of advice.
It doesn't amount to much.
A good father keeps the mother happy
so she doesn't drive the kids crazy.
She called me a big kid...
She's probably right.
You're one year old
and my best friend in the world.
Anyway...
- I'll miss you.
- Don't be sad. Here, take this.
- No, I want you to have it.
- Okay, thanks.
He'll take good care of you.
- We're going to see Daddy today.
- I was just thinking about James.
- The blue or the lamb?
- They both look pretty lame.
- The lamb?
- Not lamb, lame!
Please don't make me wear clothes
with animals on them.
I don't like this.
It makes me look stupid.
- You look great.
- I feel like a retard.
Look at this room.
Look at these guys.
I bet I could take those apart.
Little metal things... I'll stick
them in those little holes.
Mollie, hi. This must be Mikey.
Hiya, fella. What are you doing?
- Aren't you a handsome...
- Milk in the eye.
Bull's-eye!
It's all right.
It's just milk, it won't stain.
- He's beautiful. He looks like you.
- A lot of people say that.
I know the circumstances
you had him under were terrible.
- But I know it wasn't a mistake.
- I bet he's glad to hear that.
You will never escape me.
- Mikey, don't do that!
- What did I do?
Some people don't have the strength
to get out certain situations.
What are you trying to say?
Mikey, don't touch that.
I'm saying I still love you
and I still want you.
- And what about Mikey?
- Count on me. Whatever he needs.
He needs a father.
I'm living alone for the first time
in 17 years. I'm in therapy.
I can't be anybody's father now.
I need to be by myself.
- I've raised my kids.
- Raised them? They're 11 and 9!
- Have they moved out?
- Too much fruit!
It wouldn't be fair to Mikey.
- Is he taking a dump?
- No, he's thinking real hard.
- I'll get you cleaned up.
- Use the washroom in the back.
- He'll ask about his daddy.
- I want James to be the daddy.
Don't do that here.
That's a $10, 000 desk!
- Now it's junk!
- I thought you'd understand.
Of course I understand. You're going
through a selfish phase.
I know you will understand that I'm
going through a destructive phase.
Let's trash the place.
I'm sorry about that stupid outfit.
I'm sorry I made you meet
that mean man. Never again.
Every time I take you someplace,
people are crazy about you.
Yet the person who has a genetic
bond to you treats you like a jerk.
Everybody loves you.
All the kids at the playground.
Ma loves you. Rona loves you.
James loves you.
Mikey, do you love James?
- Give him a call.
- Do you want to play telephone?
Hello?
It's for you. You take this one,
I'll take the other one.
This is Lou Franklin,
I'm phoning about your grandfather.
He's become abusive and violent.
- Should I call Health & Welfare?
- No, I'll come and pick him up.
- What's going on?
- I'm a hostage.
He's a mean old bastard!
- Look what he did to my arm?
- Don't talk to him like that.
- They're hiding Dora.
- They are not.
- Then where is she?
- Sit down. I'll find her for you.
Let's get your face cleaned up.
You want to look good for her.
You're my favourite daughter-in-law.
You're smart and a good person.
That's why Jimmy loves you so much.
- There you go.
- Let's go find James.
I'll show you some pictures.
Grandpa, did you eat all these
candy bars today?
- The bastards stole my candy.
- We'll get some more.
- Where's the director's office?
- Down the hall.
- We're busy.
- I'll keep my eye on them for you.
I'll be back in a minute.
This isn't his usual behaviour.
My husband made arrangements.
It isn't the orderly's
responsibility to control his diet.
He requires a private nurse.
No, he doesn't. The orderly was told
to give him one candy bar a day.
- He said no problem.
- That was Bill.
Bill always says no problem.
The man can't speak English.
- So can Grandpa stay?
- Of course.
- Thank you.
- Thanks for coming down so fast.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Your grandfather can stay.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I wanted to do it.
- Let me give you a ride home.
- Don't bother.
- Fine!
D.J., it's time for lunch.
Let's go.
- Are you okay with him?
- Get the hell out of here.
Steven and Paulie,
they're your cousins.
- Hi, Vince.
- Hello, Esther.
Esther... I'd like you
to meet my grandson.
Hey, there goes James.
Where's he going?
Maybe he's going downstairs.
- They took me to the beauty salon.
- Where's the elevator.
Going down.
I'll just press all these.
Perfect! I'll just hitch a ride
with the fruit cups.
There we go. Take her away, boys.
- Mikey.
- Grandpa, where's Mikey?
- He was just here.
- How long ago did he leave?
- I'll check the hallway.
- I'm calling the police.
Hi, toots. Anyone seen my dad?
- That's Ida's grandson.
- Come on, I'm in a hurry.
- Here, fella, go find your grandma.
- Thanks for nothing.
When the police get here,
will you show them these pictures?
All right, I'm on the case now.
That is exactly what I need.
I could find him in one of those.
Let's see if I remember this.
I'll set this thing down right here
and get that door open.
What was it James said?
Stick this in here...
There it goes.
Move the circle around
and we're off.
Mikey!
Mikey!
- He's in the back of that car.
- Let's get the cab.
- Hey!
- Stop!
I got this driving thing knocked.
Move it!
There he is. Look at me.
Hey, James, I'm driving!
James... where's he going?
- What are you doing?
- I'll cut him off.
You'll lose him.
I know this alley
like the back of my hand.
Mikey! He's gone!
Mikey!
- You had a little boy in there.
- What are you talking about?
He's about this big.
- This is a good place to spot him.
- Mikey!
Mikey, stop!
- James, is that you?
- Mikey, don't move.
James, Mommy...
Here I come.
- Mikey!
- I'm coming.
- Did you see what just happened?
- Give me my baby.
Are you all right, honey?
Let me see you.
He doesn't have a scratch on him.
I finally got you both together.
I better take
him to the hospital anyway.
Ma, I want James to be the daddy.
- Thanks for all your help.
- I'll take you home now.
- Dada.
- I think he called you Dada.
No, I'm talking
to hear myself speak.
- He thinks you're his father.
- I've spent a lot of time with him.
He probably thinks
we're going to end up together.
I hope
they don't get stuck together.
Should I tell them
I need a new diaper?
No, I'll wait.
- Hi, honey.
- Mikey, this is your sister Julie.
Say "Hi, Julie."
Don't start with me, kid! I've had
a day you wouldn't believe.