- I think this might be it, Paul. Good luck.
- Thanks.
Boy, it sure is thick.
I'm in.
See, your brother's smart.
He's smart. Are you as smart
as your brother? I think so.
We are so proud of you.
- A full scholarship!
- Plus a meal plan.
First one ever in our family.
Of course,
the kid was reading Archie at one.
That's for Paul.
- Take this.
- Grandpa, no. I can't.
No. You don't know the city.
Everything there is very expensive.
Just parking your car costs $8.
Grandpa, I don't even have a car.
Make an old man happy.
Thank you.
Paul, dance with me?
Do it. All right.
Yeah! Cool.
Come on!
What are you doing?
No. Like this.
Come on, Paul. Do it right.
- You're messing it up!
- What?
There.
- You all packed?
- Yep.
Can I give you a hand?
Wiggle that tail section
for me just a skosh, will you?
Don't know what I'm gonna do around here
without my wing man.
I'll be back, soon as they catch on to me.
What have they got to catch on to?
Well, it's a tough school and...
...everyone else
will be more used to the city.
Did you know that one skyscraper has
more people than the town of Clairmont?
And they're all real sophisticated too.
You've seen that Seinfeld show, right?
It's just like that.
They've all got that
sarcastic kind of humor.
And who was purported to be
the funniest kid at Jackson High?
You told me a joke the other day.
It was hilarious.
- A frayed knot...
- String...
...walks into the bar.
- Wants a drink. Yeah, that was funny.
You're a funny guy.
I don't know. I mean, it's such a giant city.
How can you possibly meet anyone?
You want the secret to making friends?
- Sure.
- I picked this up in the service.
You'll have a lot of buddies
if you remember this one rule:
Interested is interesting.
- What do you mean?
- Well, everybody's got a story, okay?
And all they want
is for somebody to listen to it.
People are basically good.
If you care about them,
they're gonna want to be your friend.
All you got to do is look at people.
Look when you're talking to someone.
That's it. Look them in the eye. Focus.
Hear their story.
Hear what they've got to say.
You do that, buddy,
and you can do no wrong.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Wiggle that.
Excuse me. Do you want to sit in my seat?
You can have my seat.
That was for her.
You look familiar.
- Tall drip.
- That would be me.
Hi. I'm Paul.
Abnormal Psych.
We're in the same class.
See you there.
Left, no. Left, no!
But you're pushing!
- Guys, can it go over there?
- No.
- Good afternoon.
- What's up, man? How are you?
- Let me try that one again.
- No, that's good. Don't worry.
See you later.
Hey, guys.
That is a great hat.
Did the producers of Fargo
have a garage sale?
- Leave it be.
- Here, leave it be.
- That fraternity called for you.
- Which one? Which one was it?
Gamma something.
Gamma Delta. Gamma Delta Pi?
Gamma Delta Pi.
No, it was gamma globulin, it wasn't
a fraternity at all. It was a blood bank.
But they were really interested in you.
It was a blood bank.
The Hunger Artist.
It's the story of a performer...
...who fasts as a form of entertainment.
Sits in a cage all day. This is how
he manages to entertain his audiences.
But, with his dying breath...
...he reveals his great secret: He could
never actually find any food that he...
...liked.
- I meant that.
- Jerry Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.
Listen, do you mind if I continue
with Mr. Kafka's story?
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Looks like you banged
your knee pretty bad.
No, I'm fine.
Let's put some ice on it.
What was Mr. Kafka saying
about free will versus destiny?
Anyone in the class of 167 students...
...all paying $35,000 a year to be here?
You? Lady in the infantry?
- I didn't read it yet.
- I understand that.
You had Ben Affleck
on the Leno Show last night.
Great stuff, witty banter,
looking forward to the movie.
Perhaps in the future there'll be a course...
...on twenty-first century literature,
but until that glorious day...
Want some honey? I have more.
No, thank you.
Listen people, those rectangular slabs...
...you're using as doorstops are books.
Careful. First time you open them,
they'll crack a little bit.
Don't be alarmed.
Florence Nightingale, what was Kafka
saying about free will versus destiny?
I don't think it's about
free will versus destiny.
You don't. Would you mind telling us
what it is about?
Sometimes you are so powerless...
...the only thing you can control
is how little you can live on.
Interesting.
You've reduced
the father of modern literature...
...into an anorexic teenage girl.
You just love humiliating me, don't you?
Dora, I'm not going to have one of those...
..."I know and you know and we know
and they don't know" arguments in class.
We've agreed that if we do this
it's got to be secret.
I know how ashamed you are of me.
I'm just your dirty little secret.
Secret means clandestine.
Shame means embarrassed.
I'd think you'd covered that in junior high.
Could you stop treating me like a baby?
Why don't you take me seriously?
I'm risking my job to be with you.
Is that serious enough for you?
I'm over 18.
It's not like you're selling me alcohol.
- Do you know Professor Brown?
- No!
- No.
- No!
Of course not. He lost his tenure
for having an affair with a student.
The board considers that abusing
power we have over impressionable minds.
- I could tell them how pigheaded you are.
- You are so condescending!
If I'm not smart enough for you,
then go for your professor girlfriends!
Your capacity to edit out ideas
you don't like makes...
...TASS look like
an Al Goldstein publication.
You think I don't know anything.
I think you know how to walk
in a pair of platform Mary Janes.
I think you know how to style your hair
with an eggbeater.
Save a little time by layering on two,
three weeks' worth of eyeliner.
- God, I hate you.
- You don't hate me.
- Say you don't hate me.
- Let me go! Yes, I do.
- Let me go. Stop it!
- Say you don't hate me!
- Hi, Ma.
- Hi, Rho.
- Hi, Brenda.
- Hi, Bren.
Hi there, son-in-law.
We're ordering 'za, slap me a big head.
I've got the descending dollars
meal plan so I already ate at the union.
I have $120, but it has to last
till the end of this...
Sorry.
Chris.
You think you could turn it down a skosh?
- "A skosh"? What the hell is that?
- Just a little.
I'm going to tell you something,
and this is for your own good, okay?
No one likes you.
They don't?
No.
- You didn't notice?
- Well, no.
- What did I do? Why doesn't anybody...
- I don't know.
You talk weird, your clothes are lame.
You never come in with a sixer.
You're just a wormy little guy who sits
in his room and studies. It's so gay.
But I'm on a Regents Scholarship.
If I do badly, they'll kick me out.
And I'm not like you guys.
You can just drink all night and still pass.
You must be really intelligent.
No, believe me. We're not.
You just got to play it smart.
Take a few Mickeys.
- "Mickeys"?
- Mickey Mouse. Cake. Easy classes.
I have to take my prerequisites.
I mean, take whatever you want.
Just try not to be so much like...
...you.
Well, you know what I mean.
Yeah, I guess so.
Just trying to help.
Chris.
- What's a sixer?
- It's a six-pack.
Beer. Thanks.
Hi, Rho. Hi, Bren.
Excuse me.
Come here, please.
What can I get you?
Your pantyhose.
How about a screwdriver?
They're really good here.
I'll give you $50 for them.
You can get three for $10 at Wal-Mart.
$60.
Please order a drink.
Just get a beer and I'll think about it.
Okay.
Honey, do you have anything smaller?
We can't change this yet.
Thanks.
- Why'd you do that?
- Get small bills while they're sober.
When drunk, they won't know what
they gave you. Supplement your tips.
- You mean give them the wrong change?
- They're donating to your college fund.
- Yeah, but that's stealing.
- You're funny.
- You are such a little shit.
- Annie, get back here!
You want everyone to think
you're Mr. Stud.
I had to tell them.
- You did not!
- It's "Truth or Dare"! That's how you play.
What's wrong with you,
are you're unstable?
You think it makes me want you?
Must you rub my nose in it?
Are you out of your goddamn mind,
you raving lunatic?
Look at her, man, she's a psychopath!
Here.
- Sal, it's 11:30.
- I'm talking here.
If I miss the 11:50, then I can't get home.
Give me the money.
If people would show
a little appreciation...
Nobody appreciates anything
you do for them anymore.
You're $40 short.
What? That's impossible.
Want to take it up with Victor?
I don't think that's something
you want to do.
There must be some mistake.
All right, he should be here soon.
- Here.
- Thank you.
The 11:50 for Westchester,
Bronx and Yonkers...
... now leaving on Track 17.
11:50 now leaving Track 17.
Wait, wait! No!
Stop!
Ma, listen.
I got totally screwed at study group.
My topic was last, and I had to stay.
I rushed to the station,
but I missed the last train.
Where are you, Grand Central?
No, I went with my friend Linda
to the girls' dorm.
Can you stay there?
- Yeah, it's cool. I'll sleep on her couch.
- Okay.
- All right, I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.
- Bye.
She's going to "star 69."
Lt'll only be a second.
Rubin Hall, ladies' residence.
- Is this a dorm for girls?
- Yes, this is a dormitory for women.
Can anybody just get in there?
No, there are security doors
and a night watchman.
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That was great. Thank you.
Bless you, honey.
I got this girl's phone number last night.
Guess what she's got.
Herpes?
No, genius, she's got a pierced tongue.
It means she's gay, you know.
- What are you talking about?
- It adds to their sensual pleasure.
- No, it's for my sensual pleasure.
- It is not.
Let's ask Dr. Drew.
We got Chris on the phone from Seattle.
He wants to know which sex prefers
a pierced tongue more.
I don't get it.
Come on, guys.
I just washed all these towels.
Speaking of which, Paul,
next time don't use so much starch.
Has anybody seen my toothbrush?
You can't find it? Shit.
You better find that thing.
Those things can cost up to $2.50.
Yeah, and yours has such a nice handle.
You still don't qualify for financial aid.
Why don't you try student placement?
Those jobs only pay $5 or $6 an hour.
I make three times as much at the bar.
I can't pay tuition unless I work more...
...and I can't do that
because I have to travel home.
Not everybody who's accepted
can actually attend this school.
Why don't you try
to get yourself emancipated?
Okay. Thank you.
Where are your parents' tax returns?
I don't have them.
How can you prove they're not
claiming you as an exemption?
They kind of are, but if I get emancipated...
...and I get financial aid,
then I'm sure they'll stop.
Right. Who's your attorney?
Attorney against my parents?
Are you saying that it's uncontested?
Yeah.
Then you'll need W-2s, rent stubs,
proof of residence, power and water bills.
I don't have a residence.
You can't get emancipated
to live on the street. Okay?
I can't apply for work-study
unless I get emancipated.
- Then you'll have to get an apartment.
- But all my money goes to tuition.
Then you'll just have to make more money.
Noah, get up.
Give me a hand! Here, hold it up.
Hold it up.
Guys, shouldn't we call
the resident assistant or housing services?
We're not supposed to have waterbeds.
They'll think we did something bad.
Dude, it's only water. Let it dry, man.
- Guys!
- Noah, come on.
Noah!
- We have to resolve this Paul issue.
- That guy's totally weak.
We gave it our best shot.
I say we get rid of him.
Yeah. Look at him and look at us.
The guy can't possibly feel like he belongs.
If he was with his own kind, he'd feel
more comfortable, better about himself.
It would be best all around.
I try to get along with everybody
but that guy's got no personality.
And he reflects poorly on us
with the ladies.
- Do you take student meal vouchers?
- No.
Okay, Paul.
Apparently, you've caused
some problems for your roommates.
Let's see if I can't resolve this situation.
What are your complaints with Paul?
It's not that I don't like Paul as a person.
He a very fun-loving guy.
But we've divided up our chores
for the week and...
...he's always too busy
or has some excuse.
And we wind up doing his.
How about you?
He says derogatory things
about other ethnic groups.
And even though I believe
in freedom of speech...
...you know, it's like the way
smoke is air pollution...
...I feel that racial slurs are
a form of hearing pollution.
I don't want to sound girly
about any of this...
...but I think all of us have taken
an exception to Paul's personal hygiene.
How about he makes more of an effort?
We'll meet again after a grace period
and see how it's going.
I don't know if I could do that.
I love making racial slurs,
and I hate doing chores...
...and indoor plumbing is
just way too confusing for me.
That's who I am,
and if they can't deal with it then...
...l'd rather live alone.
I'll file this with Housing
and see if we can't get you moved.
In the meantime, better start packing.
- You from the veterinary school?
- No.
No? Then why'd they pick you?
There's a housing shortage, and I'm on
a list for another dorm, but since I'm not...
...a paying customer,
I'm sure I'm a low priority.
- That's okay, baby, it's all right.
- I'm sorry.
Did the mean man hurt you?
It's okay. Give me kisses. Don't worry.
It's all right, baby.
These are the operating rooms.
But don't ever go in there. They're sterile.
All you have to do is
change their poopie papers...
...give them their medications and
if any of the animals have an emergency...
...you got to page the vet.
And this here is your room.
You got your hot plate,
your bed and the refrigerator...
...but that's for employees only.
- You'll get used to the smell.
- Can I get some help over here?
Hold her down.
Shut up.
I could use your help
on a tooth cleaning as well.
You do something with her, okay? Thanks.
Yeah, I know.
I hear you. Boy, do I hear you.
Dora, Victor wants to see you.
It's okay. You'll be okay.
- I don't think this is working out.
- What? Why not?
Last night, Kitty's station, $1200,
Angel's, $1400...
...your station, $600.
But I'm in the back.
There's always less people back there.
You're not getting it.
What do you do if a customer talks to you?
I listen, act interested.
No. You say something funny,
then walk away.
So if they want to talk,
they got to buy more drinks.
- Okay, I'll try and do better.
- No, forget it.
You're too smart or too stupid,
but ain't happening.
It's a shame. Could have made
some real money.
Take this and get out of here.
Please let me finish tonight.
I really need the tips.
Victor, she's working her way
through college.
Did I ask you?
Come on, take it. For last week. Take it.
Man, our T.G. Party was a total bust.
Every time I got close
to hitting it with a mama...
...a girlfriend showed up
to screw everything up.
What we need is a higher female-to-male
ratio, like in cool nightclubs...
...where they let in five times
as many women as men.
How are we going to get
five times as many women to show up?
We have a party,
but we call it a fundraiser.
- Think of a charity.
- It's got to be the right charity.
It's got to attract hotties.
- What's the country with all the babies?
- China.
- Romania.
- No, but wait.
That's going to give them
the wrong message.
All right. How about AIDS?
There's a mood-setter.
How about a suicide hotline?
But do they need a fundraiser?
All they have is phones.
Hey, backpacks.
- What's going on?
- Inspections for drugs and alcohol.
- What?
- Since when?
O'Brien is in a coma.
So?
So the board instigated new policies.
This is whack.
- Can they even do this?
- I'll call my father's lawyer.
Our parents pay a lot of money for us
to enjoy our college experience.
Hey, my metal detector!
I don't know how to make this any easier
for you. It's character evaluation.
It's not unlike one of those
"VH-1 Legend" shows...
...except you're discussing a fictional
character instead of a coked-out singer.
Understand this?
How about this? Dismissed.
Ah, yes.
- I don't understand my grade.
- That's the letter we use for failure.
See me after class.
- Do you have to ask him something?
- No, it's okay. Go ahead.
Professor Alcott?
- Yes.
- Hi.
I'm on a Regents Scholarship.
I have to maintain a 3.5 average.
I can do it with two As and a B+
because I can get a B in Physics.
I can't get less than a B
because I'd only have one A left.
The thing is, my roommates
never let me have any quiet study time.
And now I've had to move.
I have this kind of crazy philosophy
that your grades...
...should represent your grasp
of the material...
...not your negotiating skills,
which are amazing, by the way.
No, I would never ask for a grade
that you didn't think was fair.
It's just that since I have 20 credits
and I only need 16.
I hoped to take this class pass-fail,
so I don't get kicked out.
Sir, I promise I wouldn't slack off.
In fact, I'd work doubly hard.
I'm ecstatic to hear your plans
to work doubly hard.
Because Lit 100 courses are
never given pass-fail.
Why don't you take
all that non-slacking energy...
...and try to focus it
toward your finals. Okay?
Yes, sir.
That wasn't very nice.
I'm a mean son of a bitch.
When's your next class?
Not till 6:00.
I'm off at 4:00.
Okay, but can we discuss something
that I want to ask you about...
...in a non-emotional way?
Seriously, how am I supposed to teach
Camus when you're wearing this sweater?
I think we may have to take it off.
Do you think 4:00, my place?
I could be wrong, but I think so.
I'm sorry you feel that way
about the French.
It is a course on European Literature.
Can't ignore the whole country.
Paulie.
- Can I help you?
- Correct me if I'm wrong.
Didn't you kick me out of our room
for wetting your bed?
Wait a minute.
Noah didn't talk to you about this?
Look, what do you want?
You thought we kicked you out?
Come on. You're my asshole buddy.
- Look, since O'Brien died...
- What?
O'Brien, on the 8th floor, died.
They've instituted a new policy where
they're doing grocery inspections.
Making sure no alcohol comes in.
They're doing spot checks to make sure
there's one guest per person.
Just because one guy can't monitor
his buzz all of us got to suffer.
Which is why Adam
came up with this great idea...
...that one of us has to get
an off-campus residence.
- Noah didn't explain this to you?
- No, he didn't.
Maybe I'm the world's biggest cynic.
But I'm finding all of this
very hard to believe.
Paul, why would I play you, dude?
Why? Why?
I don't know why. Why would you reset
my alarm clock so I'd be late for class?
Why would you hide all my clothes
and fill the drawers with Styrofoam?
Why did you glue together
every page of my Psych book?
You know how long that took?
I thought you'd laugh.
That's just stuff we do to each other.
All I wanted is for you to feel like
you were part of the group, man.
I mean, seriously.
Remember those talks about
how nobody liked you, what you could do?
I was trying to help you get in with us.
I was tired of seeing you
sitting around by yourself. Come on.
Can we have a trial run
get-together tonight?
I guarantee you will tap some fine hide.
I have two Everclear tickets for tonight
and I was going to ask a girl.
Smooth.
This is Annie's.
I don't know where that came from.
- Paul?
- What?
Are you hitting my bitch?
No! No! I'm not hitting your bitch.
I've never hit your bitch
nor would I ever hit your bitch.
I'm just playing with you.
- Because, you know, right? I mean...
- I know.
I knew it was there. I put it there.
- I got to go. Okay? Dust.
- Dust. Dust.
God.
Every part of me is satisfied.
Even my teeth are relaxed.
Oh, shit.
I'm late. I got a 7:00 workshop.
- Wait. You said we'd discuss something.
- Yeah, I'm listening.
I got fired from my job and I won't have
the money for next semester's tuition.
What are we going to do?
If I get a job on graveyard shift,
I'll earn money instead of commuting.
- I could maybe just crash here...
- Hold on.
I mean, not even in the bed.
I could sleep on the couch.
No, I don't want to go there.
- Go where?
- That domestic place.
I don't want your grunge gothic-wear
lying around in my closet.
Or those blackhead strips in the bathroom,
posters up of Axl Rose.
Whatever adolescent icon. Listen.
You know how these things sour
when people get too close.
You get tired of each other.
I don't want that ever to happen to us.
You know why?
Because I love you too much.
So much you'd have me sleep
on the street or drop out of school.
I love the sweet... Where are my notes?
My sexy, smart girl that I have fun with.
If I wanted teen angst,
I'd watch reruns of My So-Called Life.
I'd do anything to make you happy.
I type your papers, I grade your tests.
I've told you not to do that
unless you want to.
Just because I'm giving doesn't mean
I can expect a man to lift a finger for me.
If she were alive, Betty Friedan
would applaud your little epiphany.
If Kafka were alive, he'd say:
"Stop misinterpreting my novels,
you pretentious bonehead!"
Hey, again.
Hi.
I eat here every night.
I've never seen you come in.
You eat in the student center every night?
There's like 20 restaurants on every block.
Yeah, I don't know New York that well.
You should do some exploring.
It's the best city in the universe.
See you.
- Where are you going?
- Job interview.
- I'll walk you.
- Okay.
I don't see why Alcott
wouldn't let you go pass-fail.
Rules are rules, right? What can he do?
Say, do you know this group Everclear?
- Are you kidding? They're my favorite.
- They are?
I love self-loathing complaint-rock
you can dance to.
You want to see them tonight?
I've got two tickets I came across.
Shut up!
But you know, I got these three interviews.
But there's an opening act, right?
Yeah. There's an opening act.
Can I meet you there at 9:30?
9:30 would be great.
But here.
Why don't you take one,
and if your interviews go long...
I could just meet you inside.
Thanks.
Now, don't go scalping that.
Okay.
Why did you ask me?
You hardly know me.
Sure I do. I know you're smart.
You care when people bang up their knees.
You don't waste money on food
when you can get free honey.
You're cute.
You take a train from somewhere, right?
The Number 6. I know that.
All right.
All right, I'll meet you there.
Paul.
I'm Dora.
- I'll see you, Paul.
- Yeah, I'll see you, Dora.
Dust.
When did O'Brien die?
- After you left.
- Before the crackdown.
First they changed the dorm code.
Then we got our idea
which we thought Noah told you.
My bad.
I feel awful I never got to know him better.
Yeah, that would've saved him.
I'll never forget how weird it felt...
...when I looked out the window
and I see this body go by.
- I thought he was in a coma.
- Yeah. He fell into a coma.
Come check out my lighting design.
Look at this. You ready?
Lighting changes the party decor entirely.
Pretty extravagant.
Women expect you to set the mood.
We're not in high school anymore.
What about in here?
That's the operating room. Not in there.
I'm going to go grab a slice.
Want to come?
- Sure.
- Let's go.
- Look what I found.
- Come on.
That's for the animals.
You don't need flea medication, do you?
I don't know.
He has slept with a lot of dogs.
All right, come on.
- What's this?
- An application for the night shift job.
- Where you get this?
- From the guy who was just here.
Night shift is dangerous.
We can't have girls.
This is the third time this has happened.
Why don't you say so in your ad?
- He should not have given you.
- I don't know if that's even legal.
Actually, it's not. It's in violation
of sexual discrimination laws.
- Call next week.
- Yeah, right.
Thanks for trying to help out.
It's disgusting the way women get treated.
I just wish they didn't waste my time.
Do you have plans tonight?
There's a great fundraiser.
It's blowing off the hook.
I have a date,
but it doesn't start for 45 minutes.
Come drop by. It's for a good cause.
Homeless animal shelter.
I don't have any funds to donate.
It's okay. Just come in out of the cold
until your date.
Okay. But only if I can help you carry that.
What's up, man? How's it going?
Hey, how are you?
You look amazing. I like this very much.
That's very nice. Come in.
So, how've you been?
What a turnout, huh?
I don't know how I'll find my date.
Excuse me. I'll take a T-shirt.
You know what? I'll take two.
It's just juice. Drink it up.
You look a little dehydrated.
It's good. It's got juices and cranberry.
Do you know cranberry juice is good
for your urinary tract?
- What time is it?
- It's early.
So, which do you like better,
yellow or checks?
Why?
Because I want to know which kind of cab
to call when we're done.
Dude, come here. Come here.
You got to help me. Lisa is all primed,
but her helpful friend, fat Rita...
...will take her home
unless she gets some action, too.
First of all, I'm way too wasted
to be operating heavy machinery.
Second of all, I got this little spinner
all G-ed out. She's liquid.
Leave her on the back burner.
Take one for the team.
You owe me one.
- Count on it.
- All right.
Where's the bathroom?
I don't feel so good.
- What is it? Your head?
- No, it's my stomach.
Here, this'll settle it.
- What is it?
- It's for your tummy.
Drink it real fast.
That'll help your stomach.
Where is the bathroom?
Yo, Dora, where you been all night?
You got to give me your number
before you go, okay?
Excuse me. This seat's taken.
- What?
- This seat is taken.
- This seat's taken!
- What?
I know. We'll move when they come.
Taxi, here.
Good girl.
How'd you get out of your cage?
Okay. All right. Roxi, come on.
Come on, Roxi.
Come on. Okay.
You, up there.
Come on, party's over. Let's go.
Dora?
Perfect. Hey, Dora, come on. Wake up.
Wake up. I don't believe
in sleeping together on the first date.
Especially one you didn't show up for.
Come on.
Dora?
Come on, Dora, wake up. Please.
All right, I got you. Come on. Let's go.
I'm sorry, that's all I got.
- What's her name?
- Dora Diamond.
- How long has she been unconscious?
- I don't know.
- What drugs she ingested?
- All I found was beer cans.
- Are you a relative?
- No.
I found her like that.
My friends had a party.
Nice party.
I got to put my glasses on because
it looks like hair growing there.
And all Ron does is spray this.
Going bald sucks.
They say it comes from your mother.
- My mother's got hair, you know.
- Of course she does.
- Is she okay?
- She's stable.
We pumped her stomach just to be sure.
If she took Rohypnol,
she'll be out for another eight hours.
The problem is,
on her student emergency card...
...she has Professor Alcott
as her next of kin.
You wouldn't happen to know
where her parents are or if she's insured?
No, I don't know.
Did you call Professor Alcott?
He doesn't know her.
And we can't keep her here.
I can take her. I'm her boyfriend.
- I thought you just found her like this.
- Yeah, I did. And boy, was I angry.
Okay.
Just fill this prescription.
Am I a man of my word or what?
- What the heck went on here?
- I came by to help clean up.
I suppose you don't have
any idea about Dora.
No, who is that?
The girl who almost had
an OD in the bathroom.
- She almost OD'd?
- Yeah.
I found her passed out
and took her to the hospital.
Shut up. All right. Where is she?
Man, what kind of drugs
were you giving out here?
Drugs? Man, all we had was beer.
You can't pass out from beer.
You can, if you take something
before you drink it.
Her?
What do you mean, "Her?"
Adam found her at a liquor store
looking for a party.
Last time I saw her she was all over Noah.
Who knows
what she took before she got here.
It's impossible.
Why is that impossible?
These are bridge and tunnel girls.
They sleep around to avoid the commute.
We were going to the concert.
She never showed up.
Come here.
I'm going to help you out with this, okay?
Look. All right.
We're going do this again next Friday.
I'll hook you up with a nice girl.
The kind of girl that you deserve.
What will we do with her?
She just has to sleep it off,
rest a couple of days.
- Okay, what about her parents?
- I don't know.
She put Professor Alcott
as her in-case-of-emergency person.
What's that all about?
I don't know.
I'm getting out of here.
- You'll call me if you need anything.
- Yeah, sure.
You can't sleep while you tan.
Look at you. You're all burnt.
The tan is underneath. I have many layers.
- What's this genius plan you've devised?
- Okay, listen to this.
We figure out which class
we're doing worst in and drop it.
Then we transfer into European Lit 101,
but it has to be Professor Alcott's class.
We dump a D and transplant it with an A.
And why is Alcott
suddenly giving us all A's?
I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.
All right. Quiet, you guys.
Hi.
Good morning.
- How long have I been asleep?
- Since Friday night.
Oh, my God.
- I've been in your bed and everything.
- It's no problem.
- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Are you on any special medication?
- No.
- Did you have a lot to drink?
- No.
I was at a convenience store
applying for the night shift job.
There was a guy who told me
about a fundraiser he was having.
And he brought me back here.
I drank some juice.
I don't really remember much after that.
I think somebody
slipped me a roofie or something.
Boy, I have got to stop trusting people.
You want some lunch? Yeah, you do.
You haven't eaten in days.
I'm starving and I ate this morning.
When you took me to the hospital,
did they call anybody to come get me?
No.
They said you could go home
and rest a couple of days...
...and drink plenty of liquids.
And you need to take these.
Charcoal?
So I can start a fire in your heart.
All right, that'll be ready in just a minute.
You just lie back and veg,
as you young people say.
And I'll read The Plague
so we don't behind in Lit class.
You know, I don't know about you,
but I really need a B+ in Alcott's class.
Alcott hates neediness.
You know how old he is?
He's only 34 and he's been
a full professor for almost 10 years.
He was the youngest
in the history of the university.
Is that going to be on the final?
I'm sorry. I should have told you
that he was my boyfriend.
We've been together all semester.
I wish they would've called him
instead of causing you all this trouble.
It's no trouble. I enjoy having you here.
Yeah, but I've been asleep.
I guess it's a good thing
I'm easily amused, right?
Why are you so nice?
I don't know.
Hey, buddy.
Yo. 420, later.
Yo, going to see you Friday, right?
All right.
Professor Alcott.
I need to talk to you about Dora.
I'll cut you the same deal
as I cut the others.
Sir, the thing is, she's at my place
and she had her stomach pumped...
...because she was given some drugs
and she's been sick all weekend.
Her file lists you
as her in-case-of emergency person...
Look...
Paul.
Miss Diamond has kind of like this
schoolgirl crush on me.
You know how they build these entire
relationships up in their head.
It's great of you to be concerned.
- Sir, you don't understand.
- No, I understand.
Okay, I understand. I get it. It's fine.
We'll work it out. Okay?
Sir.
- Good girl.
- Good girl.
- Hi.
- Thanks, Dora. I can finish up.
Good girl.
Come here. I got to show you something.
What do you think?
I like it.
Kind of institutional, yet post-Victorian.
Very nice.
Wait, but look.
She's pregnant. We've got to let her out.
- She doesn't want to have them in here.
- She might run away, though.
But look at her. She's really unhappy.
She's got to find a safe spot.
Okay. Sure.
Come here, sweetie. There you go.
I found these on your desk.
Oh, my God.
It's almost not like him.
I know he loves me,
but he's never committed to paper before.
How can I ever thank you?
- For what?
- For saving my life, for taking care of me.
You've been amazing.
- Wait. Where are you going?
- I'm going home.
I feel better now
and I've got to look for a job.
I'm sure you want a good night's sleep
in your own bed.
No. I mean, if you stay tonight,
you can get an early start tomorrow.
But I don't have any clean clothes.
Actually, I was just about to do a wash.
We can both wear
my extra-fashionable laundry clothes.
What is this?
Mid-90s hip-hop for the heartland.
My mother tried to help me be cooler,
so she went to Sears, where...
...they take the guesswork out of
exposing underpants.
If this is all you have,
then I think we'd better do a wash.
I'll change in there.
I'm sorry.
I was looking for another bag
to put the laundry in.
- I'll get you...
- Yeah. Thanks.
I'll get you a bag.
You didn't get it from me.
Then how did I get it?
What are you talking about?
- Is it burning and itching?
- What's going to happen?
Is there some... Is there a discharge?
Suddenly you know all about it, don't you?
Don't people talk gross on cell phones?
You'd think they'd be embarrassed
to have private conversations in public.
- I hate people with cell phones.
- All of them?
Yep.
I hate everyone in there because
can get the new Garbage CD.
I hate them because they can eat
whatever they want to eat.
I hate anyone who has time to study.
- You hate a lot of people.
- I'm a rotten, nasty little person.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
Not having any money isn't ennobling.
It makes you mean.
Yeah, I get it. That's why
all the really nice people are rich.
- So who do you hate?
- No one.
Really?
Yeah.
I wish I could be more like you.
So how come you always wear that hat?
'Cause something like 90% of your body
heat escapes through your head.
But you're not particularly attached to it,
are you?
No. Not really.
Why?
- Come on.
- What?
- These belong to someone.
- No one who needs them more than you.
Howdy, Miss Dora.
Wait, here. Try this.
- Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.
- Yeah.
Really?
Okay.
Should I leave this one here?
No, leave it in the park
for a homeless person.
- After you.
- Well, thank you.
Honey, I'm home.
- Who are you talking to?
- The dogs.
- What about the kitties?
- Kitties, I'm home.
It's moving. It's alive.
Come on, we have to hurry.
Here, put it on the heating pad.
And get some gloves, okay?
I can't let it pick up our scent,
otherwise the mother will reject it.
- Oh, no.
- So we have to carefully...
...cut it out of its membrane.
What I need you to do...
Okay. Ready.
- Okay, hold...
- God, be careful.
- Don't poke it.
- Don't worry.
- Hold that...
- Okay.
...for me right like that, okay? You got it?
- Yeah.
- I'll cut the membrane.
- Be careful.
We'll get this little guy out, okay?
Watch the head.
Watching it.
- Okay.
- Be careful.
- Pull it back.
- All right, I'm almost there.
- You got it?
- All right. Yeah.
All right, I'm just going to cut
right underneath there.
And, okay.
Here we go.
- Here he comes.
- Look at the head. It's so cute.
- Is it alive?
- Yeah. It's alive.
Let's go.
Let's see.
Here. Come on.
Come on.
Now what?
We'll just keep it warm
and we'll try again in a few minutes.
I always wanted a kitty,
but my mom was allergic.
I wasn't allowed to have pets.
My girlfriend, Janet, she had a Siamese.
You have a girlfriend?
Ex-girlfriend. We dated in high school.
- Do you still see her?
- No.
She lost weight over the summer
and dating a lot more now.
You know how it goes.
It sounds lame to someone in a love affair.
- Relationship. Whatever it is.
- I don't even know what it is.
He thinks I'm too young or something,
so he doesn't want to have a relationship.
But then he says things like...
...how he feels
we're the same person inside and...
...if he was female, he'd be me.
But he said he didn't want
a relationship with you.
Yeah, and that he'd always love me.
And he said he didn't want to be
in a relationship.
Yeah. So?
Well, sometimes when someone's
telling you something...
...they're trying to tell you something.
Right. Like men know
what's good for them.
- Should we try again?
- Yeah. Let's see.
She's licking it.
Told you.
What do we do now?
Get some sleep and I'll stay
to make sure she doesn't toss him out.
Thanks.
Do you really need models of all sizes?
I'm only 5 ft 4 in.
- That's not a problem.
- I don't have a portfolio.
We'll take your pictures free of charge.
What? I don't get paid for the pictures?
This is an agency. We'll send 'em out
and hopefully somebody will bite.
You can take your clothes off in there.
What makes you
so interested in lithography?
I've always loved posters
and calendars and stuff.
Especially the way the colors get put on
separately, then all come together.
Are you in the union?
It didn't say anything
about the union in the want ad.
This is a union shop.
- Hi, I'm calling for the gal Friday job.
- The job's taken.
Hi, I'm calling about the ad
for healthy girls with good SAT scores.
Is this for some sort of drug trial?
And what is the
foremost principle of banking?
Remembering your secret PIN number.
Forgive me if I reserve my chuckles
for when I grade your final.
- Guess what?
- What?
I won't have to leave school.
I'll have the money. I got a job.
- Doing what?
- Harvesting eggs.
- In New York?
- What?
You're going to be a farmer?
No.
I grow baby eggs and at the end
of my cycle they take them out...
...and give them to infertile couples.
I get a shot every day.
I'll have enough money for tuition
and time to study...
...and I'll get my mom a dishwasher.
- What kind of shots?
- I don't know.
Like hormones and girly stuff.
- Let's celebrate, okay?
- I only have $30.
It's on me. Come on.
Wait. I'm a student member.
I can come any time. It's always warm.
There's artsy films and the paintings rock.
Thank you.
You know what'd be fun?
If we pretend we're really rich...
...and we can have
one painting from each room.
Okay.
- That one.
- Puppies.
They're cute.
This one.
That.
This one.
That? That's chick art.
Then I suppose you like this one.
As a matter of fact, yes.
What guy wouldn't like a plate of breasts?
What?
- Are you hungry?
- I could eat.
- Wait, isn't that steal...
- Come on.
Isn't this totally pleasant?
This has been the best celebration.
Thank you for including me.
Ever been to a Broadway play?
No, but like I said, I only have $30.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
Here you go.
You missed? Here, let's try again.
Here you go.
- You get it? You missed?
- No.
Don't they check the tickets?
No. Just pretend like we were
out here for a smoke. Come on.
How much money do you have left?
$30. I can't believe
we didn't spend one cent.
- Do you know why?
- Why?
"The moon belongs to everyone
"The best things in life are free"
- Don't you get whimsical on me.
- Sorry.
Where's the nasty girl
who hates everyone?
I don't know. I have fun with you.
- What's that all about?
- I don't know.
- Look at how good he looks.
- I know.
He's so happy.
He's resting with his brothers and sisters.
You know,
we ought to start thinking about preschool.
What time is it? I want to take the 11:50.
Why don't you stay another night?
You know, I'll just get a video and a pizza.
It's better than waiting
on the train platform.
- We'll just chill in.
- You mean chill out?
Either one. Your choice.
Yeah. Okay.
You call your mom,
I'll go get the video and the pizza.
Don't you go anywhere.
Thank you.
Excuse me. Hello?
- What's up?
- Hi.
Okay.
Of these two...
...which would be good for me and...
...you know, if I was watching alone
with a girl?
Yeah. There you go.
When Harry Met Sally.
Could you maintain a rod
and watch Billy Crystal at the same time?
Don't feel bad. No one can.
The Piano.
I don't know. Full-frontal on Harvey Keitel.
- Not good?
- No, that dude's a 90% wiener.
- Really?
- Even on the small screen, that'll hurt you.
Here's your winner:
Simon Birch.
About a little goofy kid with problems.
Can't go wrong, you'll look like a stud.
And this is sexy?
Good for the girl?
Yeah, works for me.
Thank you.
Honey, I'm home.
It's so much better saying that
to an actual person.
Do you think people said it before TV?
- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Professor Alcott.
This has been the best day of my life.
Edward asked me to stay over.
It's going to be so amazing.
Isn't that great?
He must really respect you.
Did he know you were in the hospital?
I guess. He did get me those flowers.
It's a relief, because the pressure's off.
Taking these fertility drugs...
...gives me financial freedom,
so I won't be annoyingly needy.
I may actually turn out to be
one of those lucky people.
What lucky people?
You know those couples that stay together
because they can't do any better?
Or those people who are sad
and miserable and live alone?
But then there's this microscopically
teeny group of lucky people...
...who get to be with the person
they're madly in love with.
You ever consider being in love
and leaving out the madly part?
What's the fun in that?
Dora, come on.
Take care of the baby.
How about some change, man?
No, I mean that in a good way.
And don't forget my Somalian beans.
They don't have Somalian.
- Can I just get Italian?
- All right.
You sat so far away yesterday.
I thought you hate cell phones.
It's digital. Edward got it for me.
I miss you guys.
You know, Taxi, Roxi, Penny and the baby.
Is he eating solids yet?
Kitten Chow.
I printed this up for you.
It's about those fertility drugs.
Hormones that make you
produce more eggs...
...also make cancer cells grow faster.
You should take a look at it.
- You looked this up for me?
- No.
I came across it when I was doing
some research, so I thought...
Do you like Monty Python?
The film school is having a series...
- Hello?
- I think I'll do a dessert.
- Like a biscotti.
- With nuts?
Yeah, it'll be great.
- I'll be right back.
- Hurry.
Bye.
So anyway, I was thinking of going,
and if you're free...
I really don't have any time.
If I let my grades fall, I'm out of here.
I didn't get much work done last week.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.
I'm under a lot of pressure, you know?
Right.
- Lf you change your mind...
- Yeah, okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Isn't it great how comfortable this is?
I have this feeling of bliss.
Do you feel it too?
What changed your mind
about me being here?
Can we turn down the intensity
just a notch?
I was thinking how beautiful you looked
while you were quiet.
Okay.
What did you want to say?
I wondered what made you change
your mind about me being here.
I figured as long as I suffered
the consequences...
...I may as well have you here mending.
Suffer what consequences?
As you probably know, I'm listed as
your next-of-kin on your medical records.
- I wanted to talk to you about that.
- I don't want to discuss it.
Your fraternity buddies
want to spread the word...
...of a student-professor affair,
date-rape, medication and stomach-pumps.
- Would you make me a cup of tea?
- Yeah.
- But I was drugged.
- Oh, it's fine.
They've agreed to silence
in exchange for A's in Lit.
Plunge the tea bag four to six times,
remove it and squeeze in a half a lemon.
And two and a half teaspoons of sugar.
Paul had nothing to do with it, right?
Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah.
They're all my little honor students.
Bet they couldn't get through a copy
of Rolling Stone between the four of them.
Here.
Not in a mug.
It needs to be in a cup with a saucer.
Please.
So they all came to you together
and blackmailed you?
I'm reading now.
Dora, Dora, hold up. Wait, wait.
- You've been an inspiration to us.
- What?
We got this killer scheme.
We want you in.
- It was Chris' idea.
- It would help us if we got a girl.
What are you talking about?
This spring, when we plan our programs,
we want to target...
...professors that are single, lonely.
For us, women, for you, men,
for more choices.
You know the drill after.
Once they're romantically interested,
you hint you're legally underage.
It's genius!
Meanwhile, we all get fake IDs,
except instead of being 21, we're only 17.
- See where we're going with this?
- Imagine how high your GPA will be.
Just coordinate your schedule with us.
You guys are amazing.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. All right, she's in.
- She's in. She's in.
There you go again with those books.
What is that?
Studying?
Good one, man. Don't forget about Friday.
What, you didn't raise enough money
at your last fundraiser?
We barely made enough to cover the beer.
But I got it in check. I scored some rope.
Normally, chicks can drink six
to seven cans and they don't feel it.
But these bad boys, one, and you're done.
Careful.
Thanks, dude.
So, Friday.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for white pills that come
in a pop-out package.
We have aspirin in bubble pack.
These have writing on them.
I'm looking for pills without the writing.
There's this.
- What do they do?
- Pretty much nothing.
- Any harmful side effects?
- Might make you a bit smarter.
Oh, my God. Are you guys taking Psych?
- Did you ever look in the book?
- No.
Look at this retard.
- What's cracking?
- I left some books in the closet.
- You mind if I get them?
- Of course not. Want a beer?
Ever heard of autism?
Are we still on for the shelter on Friday?
I heard they might be painting the place
on Friday. I'll have to find out.
See what you can do.
Otherwise we're up shit creek.
Okay.
Help us out, Paul.
It costs a lot to rent a bar.
- Thanks, guys.
- Thanks, buddy.
Don't be a stranger now, buddy, okay?
Put your pants on.
Cover that up.
No need to argue, plenty for everyone.
Just line up in an orderly fashion.
That looks like a penis, but smaller.
Don't knock it till you tried it.
You got two minutes to cover it or lose it.
- This sucks.
- I would've said "blows."
Look at Kelly and Gwen.
I slipped them rope an hour ago.
I gave one to Shelly and look at that.
Maybe girls are developing an immunity...
...the way pesticides don't work
on a lot of bugs.
- Look how amped these chicks are.
- Great.
If this doesn't work,
we'll have to rely on our charm.
- That stuff you got was useless.
- You still owe me $150.
The stuff I had had writing on the package.
What are you talking about?
This isn't them.
- Someone snagged our rope?
- Who knows where I keep my stash?
- Paul.
- Weak.
Do you see what's wrong with this?
The Greeks use a column
to hold something up.
Form follows function,
and it's beautiful in its simplicity.
This Roman column is
incorporated into the wall.
I assume from your mocking tone
you have an opposing viewpoint?
No. But don't you ever like
looking around because it's pretty?
Pretty?
- Not everything needs a lecture.
- Christmas decorations are pretty.
The cast of Friends is pretty.
This is a world-class museum.
You only get what you put into it.
Sorry.
Paul Tannek to see Professor Alcott.
- He's in a meeting. Have a seat.
- Great, thank you.
- Peter.
- Paul.
- Should we go inside?
- What can I do for you?
Dora left these, and I'm not sure
if she's supposed to take anymore...
Goodbye, Professor Alcott.
Thanks for helping, Kristen.
Let's talk in here.
How is Miss Diamond?
You know Dora. A little goes a long way.
She's a sweet kid, though.
Keeps the place immaculate.
You're lucky.
She cares about you a great deal.
That's for you.
- What is this?
- Final exam.
- The final's a take-home test?
- For you it is.
That's the deal I worked out with Chris.
I gotta have something
to substantiate an A.
- What's the matter?
- I wasn't aware of a deal.
I guess it's a good thing you dropped by.
Sir, if it's all the same, I'd rather not.
Are you planning
on saying anything to the dean?
No.
- You're going to tell Dora about Kristen?
- No. I'm not.
I don't understand.
Maybe I don't like the idea of being bought.
- You could lose your scholarship.
- I guess I could.
Is this a moral stand?
Is that what you're doing?
I gotta tell you,
I don't think that's very smart.
You know what?
I really don't give a fuck what you think!
What are you doing?
You stole over $200 of our medication!
You mean the illegal drugs
you disperse at parties?
Are you going to turn into a narc on us?
No. I want to be like the cool guys.
The guys who never go to class.
The guys who hit on girls
who are unconscious.
All the girls want you
when they're straight.
- You're with that Dora girl.
- What is that supposed to mean?
There's no velvet rope at Club Dora.
Any asshole can get in.
You okay?
Good Lord, I am so sorry. Come on.
- Are you okay?
- I'm all right.
Let's get that looked at. Come on.
Oh, great news.
What?
I know it vexes you
we never do anything together.
So I'm taking you to my parents'
for Thanksgiving.
- You told your parents about me?
- Yeah.
I told them my girlfriend's out of town
so I'm bringing my assistant.
But it'll be great.
- Hello.
- Hey, Dad.
Hey there, college boy!
What's the matter?
You sound a little blue.
How's New York?
It seems like this city is one big orgy.
And if you actually care about anyone,
you're a chump.
- I'll go, but which cleaners?
- It's the one on 8th Street...
Can you hear me?
Sounds like things are rocky
with you and Dora.
It's not like that, Dad.
I don't even think she knew
I liked her that way.
It was just so fun having her around.
I don't know.
Maybe I should come home.
I don't think I belong here.
At your age, you'll get your heart broken
no matter what city you live in.
Yeah. I guess.
I just miss her.
God, it's all so expensive.
"What we obtain too cheap,
we esteem too lightly."
Thomas Paine.
Why don't I make something to wear?
Maybe. Help, please.
If they think I'm your assistant,
I'll go as myself.
Dora, it's my parents.
I can't even go as myself.
That looks fabulous on.
I'll start a room for you.
I feel funny about you buying me an outfit.
Consider it a loan until you're wealthy.
The clothes, the haircut.
- A haircut?
- I made an appointment at Bliss.
Just do a little shaping thing.
Okay.
Thanks.
Oh, thanks for the flowers.
What flowers?
The yellow flowers.
When I got my stomach...
Don't mention it.
- Those just came in.
- Thank you.
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
Beautiful there, huh?
Dora! We're going to a dinner,
not a fox hunt.
I just shouldn't go with you.
I'll take you to Calvin Klein.
Maybe they are more borough-friendly.
- I had a little scare today.
- What happened?
Dean Hackelman said
he wanted to talk to me.
I was afraid Paul had informed on us.
Why Paul?
My "special" students
got to take the final home.
Basically carte blanche to get an A,
and he wanted nothing to do with it.
I thought they were blackmailing you.
That's just it. Apparently he wasn't
in on it. It was just the others.
He even gave me a discourse
on how he can't be bought.
- So what grade did you give him?
- B.
- Why didn't you give him a B+?
- It was a B paper.
Yeah, but his scholarship?
He wanted that whole fairness thing,
not me.
When we get to my parents, none of this...
Hello?
Come on in.
I came by to warn you that Alcott
was giving you a B.
I knew that was going to happen,
so I dropped his class.
I can take an extra credit
and keep my average up.
Great!
You cut your hair.
Yeah, I did.
Got to keep up with the times, right?
I was kind of going for that...
..."George Clooney, my face is too cute
to hide behind my hair" look.
It looks good.
What's with the pizza?
I realized we never watched
that video you rented.
So I got another one, and got a pizza
just in case you were hungry.
Look, Dora.
I can't just go around watching movies
and eating pizza with you.
Not that I don't want to.
You know, there's other stuff.
I know you're thinking,
"What about our stuff?"
And you're right. I miss it a lot.
But I know Alcott is your boyfriend.
And to tell you the truth, I don't like him.
Not that that has anything to do
with how I feel about you.
It has a lot to do with how I feel about you.
That's why I can't have any pizza.
- Maybe I should try that again.
- Paul, he's not my boyfriend anymore.
Don't you want to be one
of those lucky people?
I do! Don't you?
You can't waltz in here with your videos,
and looking all cute.
- Unless, unless...
- Unless what?
Unless you mean it.
What was that?
A kiss.
You call that a kiss?
A botched hairplug operation
caused Chris to lose his "good looks."
He hoped women would see
his other good qualities...
Except he has none.
Adam was recruited
by a large corporation
and setup to take a fall
for their shady practices...
He now has an active social life... in jail.
Noah used himself as a guinea pig while
trying to create a stronger party drug.
He's currently relearning to tie his shoes.
Professor Alcott is serving 3 to 5 years
for having an affair
with a seventeen year-old.
Dora used the animal hospital
as her residence and got financial aide.
She didn't have to sell her eggs.
Paul has first dibs on them.