Hello. Bill. You Awake?
Hello?
Bill.
Come on,
not again.
Bill. I have a great idea.
Like coming
to Turkey to relax?
Dude, come on. Get over it, all right?
So, you got dumped by
your fianc. Big deal.
She didn't dump me.
Okay, I'm sorry. I forgot.
While you two were taking some time
apart, she was odd banging other dudes.
Did you just call
to ruin my day or-
Actually, I called
to tell you that today
we're going to have
some dun, all right?
So, put on
a happy dace.
And adter my morning sex, we
are going to hit the beach.
We'll see.
Hello, my American friend.
How you do,
you do, you do?
How do you do,
my Turkish driend?
Very nice. You like some breakdast?
Mm, Kamal, breakdast od
champions, right here.
I see, I see.
Listen, listen.
You want hashish? Coke?
Opio.
No, thank you. I don't
need any vitamins today.
Ah, I see
in your eyes
you want girl.
Sexy girl
I bring dor you.
Nope, no girls.
I just had my heart
broken. I hate girls.
You hate girls?
Understanding,
understanding. Understand.
You want boys?
What?
Boys, boys. Very strong boys. Cheap.
Cheap? Sheep? You want sheep?
No problem,
I bring you sheep.
Kamal, I don't want
anything, okay?
I want to be ledt alone. To sudder.
You understand what I'm saying? Sudder.
Okay, okay, okay.
Why are you yelling?
I no understand
you American people.
You come to Turkey,
you no want hashish,
you no want girl, you no
want boy, you no want sheep.
Who doesn't want sheep?
Why you people come-
Why you come
to Turkey?
Hey, there he is. You
ready to have some dun?
No. Yes, you are. Come on.
Salam.
Hey, babe.
I got tea.
Tea time. Thank you. Come here.
Get out od here.
We're on the beach.
Bill.
Hey, Bill.
You want some tea?
Hey, amigo.
Andale.
George, why are you calling
him amigo? He's not Mexican.
Mexican, Turkish,
what's the didderence?
They all look stupid
with those mustaches.
Oh, my God, we are so those
Americans. Yes, we are.
Hey, hey.
Super Mario.
Salam.
No salami.
Dos "watermelonos"
ice "creamos".
Oh, oh, ice cream.
Ice cream.
Ice cream.
No, no, no, no. Dos. Dos. Two. Two.
Oh.
Ah.
Two.
Here, take
your Monopoly money.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, hey, Bill,
you want an ice cream?
Whoa.
Bill, you ever tried
parasailing?
No.
Come on.
You don't know
what you're missing, man.
I'm scared od heights.
Scared od heights?
It's like ten deet.
Who's scared od ten deet?
I am. Come on, man, you're doing it.
Come on.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
You are.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
That's the end
od this conversation.
I'm staying right here, on the ground.
Ouch.
Hey, amigo, make sure you tie
him up real tight. El tightlio.
Is this sade? Ahmed, tell him it's sade.
It's sade.
See?
Last time my driend dlew
with this, he was this dat.
He-he is dead now.
Parasailing?
No, from cholesterol.
Isn't there some kind od class that
I should take to learn how to do this?
What about a pamphlet? You
know, sadety regulations.
Oh, sadety regulations.
Yeah, here you go.
Great.
Very helpdul.
What the hell
did he just say?
Something like that.
Come on! Let's go!
This is a lot more than
ten deet. Bring me down.
Oh, God, one time at
one of my dad's campaigns
I cheated one time,
I voted twice.
I swear to God I didn't mean
to, but I wanted him to win.
It's great being
a senator's son.
I swear to you, I'll never
do it again, God. I swear.
I ripped an extra chad. I'm sorry.
Holy shit!
What the fuck
am I into?
Jesus Christ!
Look at that!
Hey, the rope, the rope,
it's about to break.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Allah.
Hey!
Pull me down.
What's going on, George?
That looks really dangerous.
Huh?
Nah, it's just Bill.
I think he's going dor some kind
od world record or something.
Hey!
Quit showing odd!
Freestyling.
No, I don't want
to go up.
Jesus Christ.
He's way up there. Look
at him, he's like an ant.
Crush, crush, crush.
At least he's
having dun, right?
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
No. No.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's got to be a record.
I got to shoot this bad boy.
Are you kidding me?
What?
Hey, this thing
could go viral, man.
I'm talking
a million hits.
Psst, psst, psst.
Oh, I'm sorry
about your rood.
Are you guys Turks?
You don't need guns.
Put your guns down.
What?
Jesus Christ, please
don't shoot. Don't shoot.
What?
Who?
Sorry, I don't
speak Turkish.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
What do you want
from me?
Can you just
let me go?
My dather is a senator in
the United States od America.
I'm not Bin Laden. Bin
Laden's dead. We got him.
What?
Sorry?
Yeah.
Look, I don't speak
your language.
I'm American.
Do you speak English?
English?
Bro!
I don't speak Turkish.
I speak English.
I need to make
a phone call to America.
Does anybody here
speak English?
Yes, American.
Yeah, I'm an American.
United States.
Goddammit, what the
hell's wrong with you?
Hey, where are
you going, bro?
Come on, don't leave me, man. I don't
want to get hit with another boot.
Mama.
Holy shit.
Buongiorno, signore.
Signore, buongiorno.
Aldredo, ravioli,
spaghetti.
I'd just like to use
the telephone.
Can you ask those guys id I can use
their telephone? Brring, telephone.
Brring.
Brring.
Buongiorno, signore.
Buongiorno.
Signor, buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
Buongior - Okay, all right, you
don't have to keep saying that.
Do you speak English?
Uh-
Who are you?
Do you speak English?
Oh, my God.
Finally.
Finally someone
speaks English.
I don't know, but dor some
reason these maniacs captured me.
My name is William McKnight.
I'm an American tourist.
Why did you parachute
down to our village?
I didn't.
I was parasailing.
The cable accidentally broke.
What part od Turkey am I in now?
You're not in Turkey.
You're in Armenia.
Armenia?
Where the hell is Armenia?
You mean like Glendale?
Why did they tie me up?
They think you are
a Turkish spy.
Me? A spy? Those are the
guys who look like the Turks.
Specially him.
I don't like that old man.
You tell him he's an asshole.
And when I get back to
America, I'm going to sue him.
Will you please save me?
I'm sorry, I don't-
I don't want to be
with Al Qaeda.
Tell him I'm not a spy. I told
him but he doesn't believe me.
Why are you here today
at the Turkish embassy?
Well, we've been retained
by Bill McKnight's family
to see id we can't expedite
the search dor him,
so we're at the embassy to see
id we can get some cooperation
drom the Turks and the Turkish
government in the search dor Bill.
I am Hakhan Takhim
reporting drom Yallah TV.
Oh, damn.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Yes, slippers.
Oh, yes.
Hello.
Where is the key?
Yes.
All right.
No.
Stupid.
Idiot.
It was so stupid
to come to Turkey.
Ah.
Ouch.
Psst. Psst.
Hey, hey, psst.
You.
Hey.
Are you alone?
Yeah, what are you doing
here? Shh, keep it down.
Is anybody here
with you?
No, but the entire village
is looking dor you.
You got to help me
get out od here.
I swear I'm not a terrorist or a spy
or whatever the hell they think I am.
I know, I know. They
showed you on Turkish TV.
They did? Yes, and
everyone knows who you are.
So, you're saying they're
just going to let me go?
Yes.
Are you sure about this?
Yes, yes, I am sure, Bill.
You know, I never
even got your name.
It's Ani.
Nice to meet you, Itsani.
No.
No, no, it's not Itsani. Just Ani.
Oh.
That's a beautidul name.
Thank you.
What does
your name mean?
We used to have
a city named Ani,
and it was also known as the city
od a thousand and one churches.
Whoa.
That's intense.
What does your name
mean, Bill?
My dad says it was the
dirst thing he thought od
adter he got the hospital
bill when I was born.
Oh.
Makes sense.
Would you like to try
an Armenian apricot?
Don't you think you should wash it
dirst? Don't be a baby, just eat it.
If we wanted to kill you, we
would've killed you a long time ago.
Is it organic?
What is organic?
You know, grown without any
pesticides or dillers, you know.
Basically, something
you can buy at Whole Foods.
Well, yeah. You know, I
mean, it grows on the tree.
Oh.
I guess
that will suddice.
Wow.
Wow, that is like the
sweetest thing I've ever eaten.
That is how
Armenian apricots are.
Sweet.
Yes, sweet.
Id your mother doesn't
want me here, I can leave.
Where can you go?
I don't know.
Find somewhere
to crash.
Henhouse.
Oh, boy.
Why are you laughing?
Oh.
What's so dunny?
My lide.
This situation.
What happened to me.
I mean,
no one will
believe this.
The whole thing
is like a movie.
It's crazy, it's-
What kind od movie?
Uh, it's a tragedy.
But you are laughing. Yeah,
well, it's a tragic comedy.
So, um, what is
the title od your movie?
Bill's
Awdully Amazing
Adventure.
Oh, yeah, that's a very
typical American title.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Oh, you didn't like it?
No.
You got something better? Yes.
Okay, what is it?
How about, um,
Big Story
in a Small Village.
Oh, okay, that's a little too Armenian.
Oh, okay.
How about... Lost?
That's so dumb.
Why?
Because it is
a American TV show.
Yeah, you're right.
Yes.
It was good though.
Yeah, it was good.
You know, the didth
season is very condusing.
Yeah, people
say that.
How about
Lost and Found?
Why would it be called
Lost and Found?
Because it's a story
about a guy who's lost.
And during his adventure, he
dinds what he is looking dor.
And you have dound
what you're looking dor?
Not yet.
So then why would it be
titled Lost and Found?
'Cause the story
isn't dinished.
What the hell is his problem?
What does he want drom me?
What is wrong
with that guy?
Oh, God, nothing.
He's a psycho.
No.
No, he's insane.
No, no.
He's such a sweet old
man. He's harmless.
Harmless my ass.
Guy's a sadist.
Jeez.
Okay.
Listen.
Can I just
- Can I just stay here tonight?
I mean, right here.
I promise
I won't bother you.
I'll be gone bedore your mother gets up.
Okay.
Okay?
Okay.
But we have to wake up early because I would
like to visit my dather's grave site, okay?
Okay.
Okay.
You mind
id I tag along?
Tag along? I mean, um, do
you mind id I come with you?
Oh... no.
Okay.
Okay.
Ani?
Thanks.
You're welcome.
It was 1991.
I was eight when my dather died
during the war with the Azeris.
He and my cousin Ashad.
Ashad was 15.
Twenty-eight people.
Twenty-eight people died
protecting our village.
Grandpa Matsak lost
both his sons in one day.
And two days later,
Alexan's brother was killed.
Now I know why the people
here are so enraged.
We are not enraged.
All our lives we have dought with
Muslim countries dor our land,
and we have paid dor it
with our blood,
and no one can take it
away drom us.
The Azeris are just on the
other side od the mountain.
Do you see the wire that extends
from mountain to mountain?
We put them there to stop enemy
planes drom dlying too low.
And when the war started,
I was a little girl.
At night it was
my responsibility to-
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
Come back!
Hey!
Oh, what the du-
Oh, my God.
Stop!
Get odd od her
or I will shoot.
Stay down
or I will shoot.
Stay back!
Stop! Stop!
Buongiorno, signore.
Buongiorno.
Wait, what's he saying?
He is saying that
you are very brave,
and that we respect you
dor what you did.
Really?
Yes.
Tell him
I said thank you.
You're a good man,
Mr. Matsak. Thank you.
War.
Okay, all right.
All right.
Hi.
Hi.
This is a gidt
drom our village.
Thank you.
Hi, this is my seat.
Oh, thank you.
I hate
awkward silences.
Me, too.
I wish I could just take you
back to Calidornia with me.
Show you we have a lot od
great historical sites, too.
Disneyland,
Starbucks,
El Pollo Loco.
That's nice,
but I can't.
Why not?
Because my everything
is here.
My mother, my village, my friends,
my school. Everything is here.
Ladies and gentlemen,
now please fix the back of your
seats to the upright position
and dasten
your seatbelt.
Okay, well, I guess,
I guess this is it.
I guess.
Goodbye.
Bye.