[Soft, indistinct chatter]
- You have your key
In there, sir?
- Yeah.
[Scattered cheers, shouting]
- House lights?
Go--wally, go on house lights.
- You ready?
- Spotlight.
Spotlight. Spotlight.
[Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
Hi.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Thank you.
Hello, everybody.
Um, Hello.
I mean, by everybody,
I mean, uh, you guys.
Uh, i mean
Everybody who's here.
Really i shouldn't
Say "everybody,"
Because most people
Are not here.
By a pretty huge majority,
Most people are not here.
Most people are in China,
Actually.
It's true.
Actually, that's not true.
Most people are dead.
Did you know that?
It's true.
Out of all the people
That ever were,
Almost all of them are dead.
There are
Way more dead people.
And you're all gonna die,
And...
And then you're gonna be dead
For way longer than your life.
Like, that's mostly
What you're ever gonna be.
You're just dead people
That didn't die yet.
That's...
There are so many dead people.
Ray Charles is dead.
Hitler.
Bunch of other ones.
But mostly those two guys.
And...
It's true.
Ray Charles and Hitler
Are both dead.
And really it's the only thing
They have in common,
Because otherwise
They're very different dudes.
Many contrasts between Hitler
And Ray Charles.
I'm gonna tell you
A few of 'em.
Um, Ray Charles was black.
Hitler was not.
Hitler killed several Jews.
Too many.
I'll say too many.
He killed an excessive amount
of Jews.
He really...
Beat that thing to the ground.
He killed way--
He just--no moderation.
Ray charles, meanwhile,
Hardly any Jews.
He killed so few Jews.
Uh...
I don't know
How to start Shows.
It's just a problem
That i have.
I never...
I never figured out how to come
Out and just start talking,
Because the first thing
You say on stage
Always feels stupid,
Because there's no real reason
For me to talk to you.
It just doesn't exist.
I don't know you.
You don't--you're--
You don't even know each other.
You're facing
The same direction.
That's all
You have in common.
So i just have to...Bleh!
It's like talking
To a girl at a bar
Because
You're attracted to her.
The first thing you say
Is just gonna be dog shit
Coming out of your mouth.
Because you don't know her.
The only honest thing
That you could say to her
Is "i want
To fuck your face."
That's the only thing
You could say
That you could mean.
Anything else you say
Is you trying really hard
Not to say
"I want to fuck your face."
That's the only thing you're--
"Hi, i want
To put my penis in...
The lowest hole
In your head."
I was never good at that.
Like, i was very bad
At being single,
Which is a problem,
Because i'm divorced,
So i'm single again.
After ten years
of marriage, and--
No, here.
Cut the shit.
Don't even start
With that noise
Like a puppy died.
Let me tell you something.
Let me tell you something.
And this is important,
Because someday one of your
Friends is gonna get divorced.
It's gonna happen.
And they're gonna tell you.
Don't go, "oh, i'm sorry."
That's a stupid thing to say.
It really is.
First of all,
You're making 'em feel bad
For being really happy,
Which isn't fair.
And second--let me explain
Something to you.
Divorce is always good news.
I know that sounds weird,
But it's true,
Because no good marriage
Has ever ended in divorce.
It's really that simple.
That's never ha--
That would be sad,
If two people were married
And they were really happy,
And they just had a great thing,
And then they got divorced,
That would be really sad.
But that has happened
Zero times.
Literally zero.
Ray Charles
Has killed more Jews
Than happy marriages
Have ended in divorce.
So if your friend
Got divorced,
It means things were bad,
And now they're--
I mean, they're better.
They're not good.
Life is shit wall to wall,
But they're better,
So you should be happy.
But the part that's difficult
Is being single at 41
After ten years of marriage
And two kids.
It's--that's like
Having a bunch of money
In the currency of a country
That doesn't exist anymore.
Like...
Like i found 500 million
Prussian francs.
I can't really take
Advantage of being single,
Because i didn't--
I didn't expect to be single.
I'm not prepared.
I didn't think i'd ever be--
I didn't keep
This shit up.
You understand?
I didn't maintain
Any of this
At presentation condition.
It's function only.
It was not...
I didn't think
I would need it that way.
I thought i was gonna be shoving
It into the same person
Every three months
Till one of us died.
That's...
What i thought was the nature
of the deployment for this...
I didn't think
I had to be, like,
Appealing to someone
From scratch.
It's like having a--
It's like having a '73
Dodge dart in your backyard.
And it's been sitting back there
With grass growing--
You don't have any--
It's not an old mustang.
You have no plans
To restore that dart.
You don't even see it
When you look out the window.
And now you find out
That's your only way to work.
You need that car now.
And you're like,
"Oh, shit, i--
"I didn't take--
It's got bees in it.
"I didn't take care of it.
"It's full of bees.
"There's a family of mice
Living in the tailpipe.
I can't take that to work."
I have no single instincts.
I know too much to be single.
I know everything
That happens now.
That's no good for single.
You got to be optimistic
To be single.
Stupid.
You have to be stupid.
That's what optimistic means,
You know?
It means stupid.
An optimist
Is somebody who goes,
"Hey, maybe something
Nice will happen."
Why the fuck would anything nice
Ever happen?
What are you, stupid?
But that's the attitude
You have to be to be single.
You have to look at somebody
And go, "ooh, maybe..."
I don't look at it that way,
Even when i see somebody
I'm attracted to.
I was at a gym the other day.
Why? Why?
I'm at a gym.
I'm just wearing shorts.
That's all i'm doing there.
Just standing there.
And i look over,
And there's a girl on the--
You know, with a ponytail,
And she's on this thing--
And i'm looking at her,
And i'm like,
"Oh, she's awesome.
Shit."
But then i start thinking,
Wait a minute.
I'm single. I'm on the market.
I have value.
I could say something
To her.
I could just walk up
And say something.
And i'm trying to think--
"What am i gonna say?"
What does--what do i look like
To somebody like that?
And then i realize
It's been way too long.
I've just been standing there,
Staring at her.
[Grunts]
I want her!
I have no identity
In the single world.
I can't--i look at them,
I don't know what they're doing.
I--i tried just jerking off
Ito Girls Gone Wild
The other day.
Just to re-enter
The community that way.
Just to feel part of it.
And i bought it.
Not the commercial
On Comedy Central.
I paid money like a grown-up.
I put my credit card down
And waited for it
To come to my house.
I'm an adult.
Iso i'm trying to jerk off
To Girls Gone Wild.
I can't do it,
'Cause i'm a father.
I'm too old.
I'm just getting mad
At everybody in the video.
I'm like, "you fucking
Irresponsible bitches.
Go back to school.
What are you doing down there?"
"There's two wars
And a depression.
"Put your--get the oil
off your tits and study,
For fuck's sake."
I just don't look at a woman
As a pair of tits anymore,
And i wish i did,
'Cause i could get laid easier,
'Cause that's what it takes.
Just to go--
[Grunting]
But i can't now.
Like, i went to a club.
I went to a club,
You know, like, a...
[Imitates thumping club music]
Like, a club.
And i'm standing there
Looking at all the people,
And there's the women--
The hot chicks.
The hot girl at the bar.
You know when you see them,
That's just--she's a hot girl
At the bar.
She's got the--
Got the shirt and the skirt,
And the boots.
Those three lines.
It's, like, some
Perfect ratio that they hit
With those three lines,
And you--
And they're all
Standing there like that.
And i used to look
At somebody like that.
I'm like,
"Wow, she's an angel.
What could i ever say
To make her like me?"
Now i look at her and i'm like,
"What is that?
"Is that even a person?
"What the fuck
Kind of person is that?
Is that an identity even?
Who would want to be that?"
I have two daughters.
I pray they don't
Grow up to be the--
The hot girl at the bar.
What kind of--
"Hey, what do you do?"
"People want to fuck me."
Really? That's it?
"Yeah.
"I go to this club, and they
Want to fuck me over here.
"Ha ha.
Not you.
Ha ha."
And their male counterparts
Are even more useless.
The guys.
The dudes--the going out
To get laid dudes.
You know those guys
That walk in packs of nine
Down the bar street.
The going out
To get laid guys.
They all got the same
Button-up, stripy,
Going out to get laid
Shirt on.
They all got the same stride,
And there's one short
Guy behind them like--
And they--
They're all out to get--
Like, who's gonna
Fuck all nine of you?
What is the fantasy here?
Are you gonna see nine women
In the same configuration,
And just all--?
Are you all gonna walk
Into a giant vagina somewhere?
"Ha ha! Dude!"
And then later they're in front
of a pizza place,
Just angry at each other.
"You said there was pussy there,
You idiot!"
"Shut up!"
Then they beat up a stranger
And get the energy out that way.
"Faggot!"
Those are the most
dangerous people,
Are dudes
That didn't get laid.
They're just fucking--
[Grumbles]
Just full of come
Coming out of their eyes.
"Fucking--fucking--
Fuck somebody."
Stand there.
I love dudes
That hang out together
And do the whole--
I saw this group of guys,
And one of 'em was such a guy,
He had it turned up so high
That it was crazy.
His friends
Were kind of normal.
He was like--
I'm like, "what? Is that--
That can't be real.
That can't be a personality."
Does he do that at 4:00
In the morning
When he's peeing
And nobody's in his apartment?
He's like--
And he kept doing that gesture
That guys like to do.
The...
That's my favorite
Dumb guy gesture.
Yeah. Pfft.
Pffsh, yeah, right.
I always wonder,
What if there was a guy
Who, whenever he does this,
He has to finish.
Like, just some guy
Who works in your office.
You ask him a question.
"Hey, is Bill in yet?"
"Yeah,
Like, he's ever on time."
[Whispers]
"Oh, fuck."
[Cheers and applause]
[Breathes heavily]
"Oh, shit.
"Seriously, that dude's
Always late, man.
I'm serious."
[Stammers]
It's always an odd moment
In a guy's life,
The second after you come,
And you're like--
[Shudders]
Reality comes rushing back.
'Cause you've been
Pushing reality away
In pieces
All night to get the--
"Oh, no, it's fine.
"Yeah, no,
It doesn't matter.
"No, i'll just
Leave my car there.
"It doesn't matter.
I'll just go...
"Doesn't matter...
This is weird...
Ah, fuck."
And then
You're just like--
You're like the Hulk coming
back down to the other guy.
My clothes are ripped
And there's a dead guy here.
I don't know what happened.
I'm gonna get my duffle bag
And leave town again.
[Whistles]
So this is
A beautiful theater.
I like what i do,
Because i get to work
In a lot of different places.
And, uh, recently
I did a show in New Jersey
In the auditorium
of a technical High School.
I forgot that existed.
technical High School.
That's where dreams
Are narrowed down.
That's--
'Cause we tell our children,
"You can do anything you want."
Their whole lives.
"You can do anything."
But at this place,
We take kids--
Like, they're 15.
They're young.
And we tell them,
"You can do eight things.
We got it down
To eight for you."
And i'm not saying
These people are stupid.
Because i'm stupid.
I really am stupid,
And it bothers me.
Like,
I wish i was more stupid,
'Cause then it wouldn't--
I would--just all
My thoughts would just be--
[Murmuring]
But instead,
Here's how my brain works.
It's stupidity
Followed by self-hatred
And then further analysis.
It's not a very efficient
System of thought.
I have these dumb thoughts,
"Duh,"
And then i go, "what the fuck
Is wrong with you?"
And then i figure it out.
But the impulse
Is always stupid.
Like, i saw this guy
In New York one day,
And he's walking his dog,
And this is what i saw.
The guy's got a--
He's got a coffee
And a dog on a leash,
And a phone.
He's on the phone.
So he's got
His phone like this,
And the dog's leash is going
From the phone hand to the dog.
And i look at this and i go,
"Oh, he's got, like,
A dog phone."
Like, that thought
Sincerely inhabited me
For, like, a full minute.
I'm going, "oh, i wonder
What the benefits are
To hooking
Your phone up to a dog."
And then the other part of me
Had to go,
"Why the fuck
Would that exist?
You asshole."
I had a string of bad--
Dumb thoughts the other day.
I was--i don't remember
What town i was in.
I was on the road.
I was just standing
In front of my hotel.
It was 5:00 in the afternoon.
That's usually what i'm doing
At 5:00 in the afternoon.
Just standing in front
of my hotel.
Because i've been
Inside all day.
Just with the jacking off
And the ice cream.
It's just horrible.
It's, like, a horrible thing.
All day.
Just depths of fucking hell.
Just--i wake up,
I get, like, chicken wings.
Shit nobody eats
At 10:00 a.M.
Like, really--hot wings
And i eat 'em all,
And then i'm like, "uh..."
So i get ice cream
To cool it off, you know?
Like...
And then i feel worse,
So i jack off and pass out.
I turn off my phone
In case my kids call.
I can't fucking face anybody.
I wake up covered with
Three kinds of shame glaze
Just covering my body.
And so right around 5:00
In the afternoon
It starts getting dark,
And i'm like, "i got to be
In the daylight just once."
I have to at least
One time in the day
Be in the daylight.
And that's--
I just stand there. That's it.
Like a fucking mental patient
In a bathrobe.
Just--
Cigarette burns
On the robe and shit.
Some girl telling me
She got married.
I'm not listening.
"Daddy,
This is my husband."
That's what it feels like,
Anyway.
And i started
Looking at people,
And they're all crispy-clothed
And rosy-cheeked
And full of purpose,
And they're making me
Feel worse.
And i'm about to go back
In the hotel
And jack off another time.
And then i look
Across the street
And i see this couple,
And they were just striking.
They were a beautiful couple.
It was a beautiful woman
With a beautiful man.
I'll say he's beautiful.
I got no problem with it.
I'll suck his dick too.
I don't need your permission.
I don't care.
Walk right over there
And suck his dick.
I mean, i never did that,
But i'm 41.
Maybe i'll do
The second half gay.
I don't know.
It remains an option.
There's got to be
Something to it.
Those folks
Are having a good time.
They have parades.
They--there's no parades
For how i get laid.
They have parades.
Marching down the street
To celebrate that
They blow each other
And fuck each other
In the ass.
Smush their vaginas together,
Or whatever that one is.
Whatever wonderful thing
Those folks are doing
That's none of my business.
So i--okay,
So i'm looking at the couple,
And they're walking
On the other side of the street,
And they have a child with them.
But i can't see their child,
'Cause there's, like,
A dumpster and some other stuff.
I just see, like,
A little head.
And i'm waiting, i'm curious
What their kid looks like,
Because they're so beautiful.
Maybe i want
To fuck their kid.
I don't know.
[Laughs]
That--that's just me
Saying something terrible
Because it makes me laugh
That it upsets you.
That's all that is.
Just so you know.
It's just--it's just enjoyable
To me that you're upset.
That's all it is.
I'm not gonna fuck a kid.
I wouldn't do that.
Maybe a dead kid.
Who are you hurting?
He's dead.
Who are you hurting?
I'm not saying i would kill
A kid and fuck him.
I'm saying if i found
A dead kid in a field
And it wasn't raining,
I might take a shot.
I don't know.
I haven't been
In that situation.
All right.
[Laughs]
Oh, sorry.
All right. Okay.
So i'm looking
At the couple, and...
[Sighs]
They got a kid with them,
And i'm curious
What their kid looks like.
And they come
Around the corner,
And they're--and this
Is a true story.
It wasn't a kid.
It was a little old chinese
Woman walking next to them.
And here's what
My dumb brain tells me.
I go, "oh, that's what
Their child is like."
Not like, "oh, she's
A separate person.
She's not with them."
I'm like,
"Oh, that young couple
"Gave birth to a tiny,
Elderly chinese woman.
Isn't that interesting?"
And then the other
Part of me had to go,
"Dude, you--
"Yeah, that's what happened.
Yes.
Asshole."
And then i was looking
At the little old chinese lady.
She was--there was
A beauty to her.
She's just tiny, little,
Old ch--
I was staring at her
'Cause i was fascinated by her.
I don't know anybody like her,
And i am so not
A little old chinese lady.
That i--i was like,
"What are her thoughts?"
That was what
I was burning inside with.
What is she thinking
Right now?
I can never know.
And i really--the dumb brain
Is telling me
That she's just thinking--
[Imitates chinese]
That's how dumb i am.
That i think chinese
Gibberish that i made up...
Is in her
Actually chinese mind.
That's all.
Just--
"Me chinese."
[Imitates chinese]
Course i didn't--i can't know
What she was thinking.
She could be thinking
Anything.
"Eh, black people steal."
So i'm like--
She might--
I'm not saying they steal.
I'm saying that fucking
Racist chinese lady
Might have been thinking it.
She might have been.
It's possible.
And i went to England.
I spent a month there.
I liked England.
Everything's different.
I mean, that's obvious,
But some of
The differences were cool.
I like the money,
The money--
Instead of a dollar bill
They have the pound coin.
And it's a coin and
You throw it on the counter.
It felt kind of cool.
Like the old west.
Like going on the--you know,
Being on the dusty trail.
You see a saloon, so you walk
Over to it with your horse.
You throw the rope
Vaguely at the pole outside.
That thing they do.
It's my whole life
On that horse.
Should be fine.
Just...
Walk in the saloon.
"Give me a beer,
The bottle of whiskey,
"And a room for a week,
"Steak dinner, shave
And a haircut and a bath,
"And some new clothes
And a hat and some boots,
And some oats for my horse,
And a woman."
Here you go.
Ping.
That's all.
One heavy coin.
You're fine.
Nobody adds up all those things
You mentioned.
They don't check
To see what coin it was.
The guy just keeps
Drying the glass.
Things were very vague
Back then.
Things just cost money.
"Hey, how much is that?"
"Money."
In the old english movies,
It was different.
It was a little sack of coins.
Remember that little
Drawstring sack
Tossed over
By some faggy lord
With a ruffled shirt.
Throw it disdainfully down
To some commoner
Who's gonna do something
Beneath his station.
"Follow the girl and report
Back to me at midnight.
"Bring a shovel and a sack
"And two reliable men
Such as yourselves.
"Oh, what's that?
Oh, yes, of course.
Well,
This ought to be sufficient."
Meh, just--shink.
"Oh, thank you, sir."
The guy's so happy
To get a general amount
of some kind
of currency or another.
He didn't, like, count it.
Like, "i think you only gave me
Enough for the shovel.
There's not enough there."
That was a good time
In our economy,
When you needed to have gold
To buy shit.
We might be going back to that
Pretty soon too.
Things are pretty fucked up.
People are a little bit scared.
But you know what?
How bad could it really get?
I mean, most Americans
Have so much crap
You could lose most of it
And still be--
Have more shit
Than the average Canadian,
Even.
Like, we're the fattest
People in the world,
And we just have
All this shit,
And we hate it.
We're just miserable
With our phones.
"Fucking..."
[Murmurs]
Just angry all the time.
And i worry about
The economy failing,
Because we don't--
We can't even--
We're miserable
With a great life.
Like, i don't know
How the fuck
We're gonna deal with, like,
When you got to move your mom
Into the cellar and shit
And, like, have, like,
Serious problems.
Because we have, like--
Up till now,
We have white--
We have white people problems
In America,
That's what we have.
White people problems.
You know what that is?
That's where your life
Is amazing,
So you just make shit up
To be upset about.
People in other countries
Have real problems.
Like, "oh, shit,
They're cutting off
All our heads today."
Things like that.
Here we make shit up
To be upset about.
"Like, how come i have to choose
A language on the atm machine?
It's bullshit."
"I shouldn't have to do that.
I'm American."
God, the shit
We bitch about.
I called American Airlines,
And i got a xstani lady.
And she was in Pakistan.
Only people near my fat,
White body should have jobs.
I'll tell you what, though.
When i call American Airlines
And i get the Pakistani lady,
I hang up and i call again.
I do.
I'm gonna tell you honestly.
And it's not because
I don't like her,
And it's not because
She doesn't speak english,
'Cause she speaks
Way better than i do.
She's just a better person.
It's so clear.
And i know--here's why
I don't like talking to her.
'Cause i know she doesn't
Give a shit
About me and
My white people problems.
I want to talk
To the lady from Texas,
Who's--
"Well, how can i help you?"
That's the lady i want.
I just know when i--
[Pakistani accent]
"Hello, American--"
"Oh, fuck.
You don't care."
There's no way.
Why would you?
I'm in my underwear.
"Hi, i have a layover
In Dallas that's really long,
And i was wondering if--"
And she's like,
"Oh, really?
"I haven't had a clean glass
of water in ten years, okay?
"Two of my kids
Died this morning.
"I still came to work,
You fat shit.
"I can hear your fat
Over the phone.
Why don't you hang up
And kill yourself?"
Why would she care?
But we just--God.
Standing at the atm.
"I can't believe
They make me go like this.
Stupid."
What the fuck
Are you complaining about?
You push a button and money
Comes out a fucking slot.
It didn't used to be that way.
When i was younger,
You had to go in the bank.
Remember that?
You had to go inside the bank.
Now you look in the bank,
You're like, "what are those
People doing in there?
Are they cleaning?
The money's out here."
It's amazing how different
Shit is now,
And it hasn't been this way
For a long time.
It's been a very short time.
Everybody has a phone
In their pocket.
It didn't used to be
You had a phone--
Just a few years ago,
Nobody had their phone.
It was just the phone.
It was this thing, the phone,
That was in a room
In your house.
And then you had to dial
This fucking thing.
There was a rotor,
And you had to turn it
And go--
[Imitates rotary phone]
You actually hated people
With zeros in their numbers,
'Cause they made you do--
Well, this guy's got
A zero and a nine.
How badly do i want to talk
To that piece of shit?
That's too much work.
Now we have this,
Which is amazing.
We have these phones that you
Can call in an air strike.
You can look at the top
of your own head.
It's amazing, this shit,
And it's wasted
On the shittiest generation
of piece of shit assholes
That ever fucking lived.
I swear to God.
We are.
We're the worst people so far.
Because we have
This beautiful thing,
And we hate it.
We're just--
"Fucking thing."
I don't--
Never saw a person going,
"Look at what
My phone can do."
Nobody does that.
They all go--
"Fucking thing, it sucks.
I can't get it to--"
Give it a second,
Would you?
Could you give it a second?
It's going to space.
Can you give it a second
To get back from space?
Is the speed of light
Too slow for you?
You non-contributing,
Product sponge cunt?
Can you just wait?
Can you just take
A little breath?
Just wait for that picture of
Axl rose to get on your phone.
Like it even fucking mattered
What you were doing.
Like it was even important.
We're all just so mad.
"I hate my phone.
It sucks!"
No, it doesn't.
It's amazing.
The shittiest cell phone
In the world
Is a miracle.
Your life sucks
Around the phone.
Why are you so mad at it?
People say
The craziest shit.
"I--i hate Verizon."
What are you talking about?
How can that feeling exist?
"I hate Verizon!"
"Why? Did they fire you
And take away your pension?"
"No, it just--couple of times
It was weird for a second."
[Grumbles]
"I hate them!"
Hate Verizon.
Well, make your own, then.
You go make one.
Make your own network.
Get some hubcaps
And climb some trees.
See how close
Yours is to perfect.
Why would it be perfect?
Really,
It's as good as it is.
Why do we expect it
To be fucking perfect
All the fucking time?
We're not contributing.
We're not helping it be perfect.
We don't even know what--
What is involved.
Do you have any idea
What is involved
In taking your thing
That you said
That nobody needs
To ever hear ever,
When you go--
"Hey, what's up, dude."
[Blows raspberry]
And a little, invisible,
Magic angel takes it, and--
[Whooshes]
God damn it.
Ho--"when did you
Send me that text?"
If i sent it to you
A month ago, it's amazing.
Whenever it gets to you,
It's amazing.
Whenever it gets to you
It's incredible.
I don't know.
I'm not that old. I'm 41.
But i'm still amazed
At the shit in my life.
I'm amazed at the shit
In the world.
I was on a plane once,
Like about a month ago,
And they had high-speed,
Wireless internet on the plane,
And they had never
Done that before.
They explained to us
That we were, like,
One of the first aircraft.
And i opened up my laptop,
And i'm online.
I'm looking
At youtube and shit
While we're flying.
And then it broke down.
And the woman says, "i'm sorry,
But we have to fix the internet,
So it's down
For the rest of the flight."
The guy next to me goes,
"It's fucking bullshit."
I'm, like, "dude, how does
The world owe you something
You didn't even know existed
People on planes
Are the worst.
People on planes,
They complain.
They get off the plane,
They come to your house,
And they tell you about
Your whole flight experience.
And they make it sound
Like it was fucking a--
A cattle car
In Poland in the '40s.
They just make it--
"That was the worst
Day of my life.
"I had to sit on the runway
For 40 minutes."
That's a story
In this country.
That's a fucking hardship,
That you had to sit
On the runway.
People will listen
To that story.
They'll stop doing the dishes
And turn around and go,
"Oh, my God, really?
For 40 minutes?
That's awful.
You should sue them."
"I had to sit on the runway
For 40 minutes."
Oh, my God, really?
What happened then?
Did you fly through the air
Like a bird?
Incredibly?
Did you soar
Into the clouds impossibly?
Did you partake
In the miracle of human flight?
And then land softly
On giant tires
That you couldn't
Even conceive
How they fucking
Put air in them?
How dare you.
Bitching about flying.
"I had to pay
For my sandwich."
You're flying!
You're sitting in a chair
In the sky.
You're like a greek myth
Right now.
"But it doesn't
Go back very far,
And it's sort of
Squishing my knees."
The Wright Brothers would
kick us all right in the cunt
If they knew.
If--if you could go back
In time to Orville Wright
And go, "hey, dude, i had to sit
On the runway for 40 minutes."
And he'd be like,
"Oh, shit,
Well, let's
Not even bother, then."
"Hey, Wendell, shut it down.
"They make you wait for a bit.
That hardly seems worth it."
There's always delays.
That's what everybody
Complains about.
There's always delays
When i fly.
Really? Delays.
It's too slow.
Air travel's too slow.
New York to California
In six hours.
That used to take 30 years,
To do that,
And a bunch of you would die
On the way there.
You'd get shot in the neck
With an arrow and you'd go--
[Gags]
And fall down.
And the other passengers
Would just bury you
And put a stick there with your
Hat on it and keep walking.
And one of 'em
Would fuck your wife
And have three babies.
And all the old people
Would die.
You'd be a whole different
Group of people
By the time
You got to California.
Now you watch
An Adam Sandler movie
And you take a big, runny dump
And you're there.
I was, uh, i was flying
About a week ago,
And, uh, i was in the airport,
And i saw this really old man,
And he's on--
He's on a wheelchair.
I can fucking hear
That shit,
So back the fuck off.
I can hear
It in your headsets.
Just careful.
Or turn them down.
Sorry to fuck up
The entire show for that,
But i could hear--
[Imitates earpiece chatter]
"Get closer to him.
"No, it's okay, it's fine.
Get closer to him.
He won't mind."
All right.
Wait a second.
[Cheers and applause]
Okay, uh,
This about where i was?
Okay.
[Audience member shouts]
That's right.
I was on a--
I was in the, um...
I was in the airport.
Ugh...
Tot--just drenched right now.
Totally drenched.
It's like i peed.
It's crazy.
Okay, so i'm in the airport,
And i'm going through security,
And they bring this old man
In a wheelchair,
And he was...
Crazy old.
I mean, he was the oldest thing
I've ever seen.
I've been
To museums and shit.
This dude...
I didn't know
There had been as much time
As this guy was old.
I mean,
He was at least forever.
He was at least that old.
Just tiny,
Little nosferatu hands
And eggy head.
Just one of those...
So frail.
It was like
Just the atmosphere
Was crushing him
Into a diamond.
Just...
[Screeches]
And they're
Pushing him through,
And i'm not the only per--
Like,
He was parting the people,
'Cause people were going,
"What the fuck?
That's crazy.
He's really old!"
And they take him
Through security,
And, you know,
If you're really old
Or you're in a wheelchair,
You can't go through
The metal detector
If you're in a wheelchair,
So they take you
To secondary clearance,
Which is far more stringent.
Like, the oldest and feeblest
People get the highest scrutiny.
So they take him over there,
And he's--i mean, he doesn't
Even look good for infinity.
He's not even like, a--
He's, like--
Got a whole thing going.
And they take him over,
And they start checking him
For weapons.
Like, thor--like,
What do you got there, huh?
Like, checking him.
And they lift him--
I swear to God,
They picked him up
Gently out of the wheelchair
By the shoulders,
And he's standing between
These two guys like this,
And they're going--
[Imitates beeping]
And i'm like, "really?
Is that the guy, fellas?
"You think that's the guy?
Do you want to maybe
Let him go?"
Let him enjoy the last
Ten seconds of his life
Doing something else.
What--what is he gonna--
Even if he pulled it off,
He deserves whatever he wanted,
Really.
What is he gonna do?
Even if he had a grenade--
Let him keep it.
And i know what they'd say.
They'd be like, "well,
Where do you draw the line?"
He--this is the line.
This guy right here,
He's the actual line.
It's very clear.
There's always somebody going
Through security who's like,
"I don't want
To take off my shoes.
"Stupid.
I'm not a terrorist."
Oh, that's right.
We only make
Terrorists do that.
I'm sorry.
[Grumbles]
That's what we sound like now.
[Grumbles]
Just the whole country.
We're like
Fat eighth graders.
All of us.
Just--
Not fair.
You ever listen to people?
When i was in England,
I went into this cafe
Full of AfghaniJ people,
And they're--they just had
Crackly energy
To their language.
I don't know
What they were saying,
But it was like--
[Imitates language]
There's energy.
We don't have that anymore.
You ever listen to people?
You ever listen to what
People really sound like?
The other day i was
In some whatever coffee--
I don't know,
You can only be in six places.
Whichever one i was in.
And i'm listening to just fat
White people talk to each other.
These two fat white guys
Behind me.
One of 'em is like...
[Mumbling, slurring]
And his friend's like,
"I know, it's...
[Mumbling, slurring]
...Obama."
These two women are talking.
One of them's like...
[Higher-pitched mumbling,
Slurring]
"I know, it's..."
[Higher-pitched mumbling,
Slurring]
"...Stephanie."
Anyway, i was listening
To the two guys,
And one of 'em used a word
That really pissed me off,
Because it was how he used it.
He used the word
"Hilarious."
That's one of those words
That we use--
That we don't care
What it means.
We go right for the top shelf
With our words now.
We don't think about
How we talk.
We just say the--
Right to the fucking just--
"Dude, it was amazing.
It was amazing."
Ireally?
You were amazed?
You were amazed by
A basket of chicken wings?
Really?
Amazing.
What are you gonna--
What are you gonna do
With the rest of your life now?
What if something
Really happens to you?
What if Jesus comes down
From the sky
And makes love to you
All night long,
And leaves the new,
Living lord in your belly?
What are you gonna call that?
You used "amazing"
On a basket of chicken wings.
You've limited yourself verbally
To a shit life.
All these words we use.
"Genius."
That's--
You can--anybody
Can be a genius now.
It used to be
You had to have a thought
No one ever had before,
Or you had to invent a number.
Now it's like, "hey, i got a cup
In case we need another cup."
"Dude, you're a genius."
So these guys,
They used "hilarious."
And i remember
The context exactly,
Because i had
The hate recorder
Running in
The back of my head.
I was just standing there
Fucking angry.
I'm listening to 'em.
One guy says to the other guy,
He goes, uh,
"Hey, dude, so, uh...
[Breathes heavily]
So guess who i saw today."
And his friend goes,
"Who?"
I swear to God
That's how he said it.
It just slid out.
Just "who?"
I was like,
"Tighten your lips up, man.
Make an effort."
"Who."
That's how a person talks.
This guy,
He's just secreting words
Out of the front of his head.
"Who?"
[Sputtering, slurring]
So his friend goes,
"I saw Lisa today."
And he goes,
"That's hilarious."
How the fuck
Is that hilarious?
That you saw Lisa.
Is Lisa a poodle
On her hind legs?
How is that hilarious?
Was she standing next to
Jerry Lewis when he was younger?
How the fuck
Is that hilarious?
Do you know
What "hilarious" means?
"Hilarious" means so funny
That you almost went insane
When you heard that sh--
It's just so funny
That it almost ruined your life.
You're homeless now because
You can't cope or reason anymore
Because that hilarious thing
Just shattered your mind,
And three months later you got
Shit and leaves in your hair,
And you're drenched
In pee in the gutter.
That's how funny
"Hilarious" is.
I don't know
This Lisa cunt,
But she ain't that funny.
There's just no way.
She's that funny on sight?
Fuck her.
Seriously.
I hope she's dead.
I really do.
I hate her.
I hope she died today.
Weirdly and horribly.
I hope the person
She loved most
Pushed her off a cliff,
And she was just falling and
Screaming the whole way down,
Never accepting it.
And then Superman
swooped her up
And then dropped her
from higher.
[Laughter and applause]
I seriously hope
That happened...
To stupid Lisa.
With her one tit
bigger than the other,
And her fucking frizzy hair,
And her...
Her big nose.
Fucking Jew.
[Laughter]
What am i doing?
I've lost my mind.
"Jew" is a funny word,
Because--
It is.
Because "Jew" is the only word
That is the polite thing
to call a group of people
And the slur
for the same group.
Most groups
have a good and a bad--
Theirs, the same word,
Just with a little stank on it,
And it becomes a terrible
Thing to call a person.
'Cause you can say.
"He's a Jew." It's fine.
Ibut "he's a Jew."
Like, that's all it takes.
I wish the president
Would slip one into a speech
That's just on the border,
Just to fuck
With people's heads.
Just in the middle,
You know.
"We all got to get along
In this country.
"We need everybody.
I"blacks and whites
And christians and Jews,
And let's just try to..."
Hmm.
I don't...
Can't call him on it,
But that seemed inappropriate.
Fucking Lisa.
Fucking Lisa, man.
It's just--
It didn't deserve that.
The story didn't deserve--
Here's what he should have said.
This is what
That story deserved.
It should have been like,
"I saw Lisa today."
The other guy should have said,
"That happened."
That's it.
That's all it deserved.
He should have said,
"That happened,"
And then they just
Should have started making out.
I don't know why i wanted that.
I just wanted these
Two old fat guys
To just start blowing
Each other on the floor.
Not even gay blowing.
Just awkward,
Heterosexual sucking,
That they don't know
What they're doing.
And they don't even get hard
Partway through.
They're just sucking
Each other's soft penises.
And they're both crying,
'Cause they're embarrassed
And confused.
Now that would be hilarious.
Then you would have a story
That you could call hilarious
Without being accused
of hyperbole.
It's amazing, the stories that
People think are interesting.
And that's always one of 'em,
Is when your friend ran
Into somebody from their past,
And they can't
Wait to tell you.
And first they want
To tell you for 40 minutes
How blown away you're gonna be
That they saw this person.
"Dude, you're not gonna believe
Who i saw today."
Yes, i am.
Course i am.
Don't even tell me.
I don't care.
"No. No, dude.
"Dude!
"When you find out--
Holy shit!
"When you find out who i saw,
"You are gonna shit in your
Father's mouth when i tell you.
"I'm serious!
"When i tell you who i saw,
"You are gonna
Kill, fuck, and eat
"Four mexican retarded kids
When i tell you who i saw today.
"I'm s--you're gonna do that.
"I'm serious
That you're gonna do that.
"You're not gonna--
"You're just gonna
Rip out your asshole
"And throw it on the wall.
"It's gonna stick there,
"And you're gonna
Dive through it
Into another dimension."
[Laughs]
Tell you who i saw today.
Anyway, i don't know
Why i'm such an asshole.
I really am.
I have--i'm grumpy.
I don't--i get impatient
With people quickly, you know?
I just get tired of--
When people are boring,
I want to kill them, you know,
And that's not fair.
I used to like people more,
But now i have children,
And that changes your life.
It changes your life
In a lot of ways.
Like, you spend
A lot of time with people
You never would have chosen
To spend time with.
Not in a million years.
I spend whole days
With people i'm like,
"I never would have
Hung out with you."
I didn't choose you.
Our children chose each other
Based on no criteria,
By the way.
They're the same size.
They don't give a shit
Who they make me
Hang out with.
My daughter had
A playdate the other day.
This kid comes over,
And his father brings him,
And his father
Brings his fucking face
Into my house.
And i have to ask it questions
For an hour and a half.
"Ugh. What do you do?
I don't care.
"God damn it.
"What other shit
Are you passing on
"To that little faggot
You brought over here
"To play with my kid?
"I don't--i hate your son.
"I hate him.
He smells."
Gets too close
When he talks.
"Can i have raisins?"
Yes, you can have--
Just...Stand...
Dude, i'm not--
You're not mine.
I don't love you.
Do you understand?
I don't have any--no love.
None.
I don't even have an instinct
To protect you.
I don't care if you die.
I seriously--i won't
Feel anything if you die.
I'll have to pretend.
For your dad.
I like kids.
Parents, i'm not crazy about.
Most parents--
Like, this whole country,
Our thing is the children.
We have to do it all
For the children.
And, meanwhile,
Nobody gives a shit
About how
They raise their kids.
People put minimal effort
Into it.
They have--their kids--
They're, like,
Consumers of their kids.
Like, they want to call
Customer service.
"Why does he play
Video games all day?
I don't understand
Why he plays video--"
Maybe 'cause you bought him
A fucking video game,
You idiot.
Throw it a--
Throw it away!
Who told you
That was a good idea?
A developing mind.
[Grunts]
Fucking idiots.
My kids don't even
Watch television.
And when i tell
Most other parents that,
You know what they say?
They go,
"Aw, fuck you."
Why?
"Just 'cause fuck you.
"Fucking hippie weirdo.
"They're gonna
Grow up weirdos.
"'Cause they don't watch
Just fucking anger and colors
Screaming in their face."
[Screams]
If your kids watch tv,
Here's what you should do.
Just--if you think
That's really a good idea
To have 'em watch tv,
Next time your kid's
Watching television,
Just come up behind them when
They don't know you're there,
And just turn it off
Without any warning.
Just go--pfft.
Watch what happens.
They go--
[Screams]
Do you think
That's a good sign?
You think it's a sign
That it's healthy for them?
That when it's taken away
They go--
[Mutters]
Because you've created
Such a high bar of stimulus
That nothing competes.
A beautiful day is shit
To a child now.
A gorgeous, panoramic day
With hawks catching fucking mice
And flying away
And bears with fucking fish
In their teeth.
And the kid's like,
"I want to watch the television!
This is nothing!"
That's what's wrong
With our kids.
They can't just stand
And be a person without--
Baa! Blah!
And then the food--
We feed them food
That tastes like insanity.
It's insanity, our food.
Do you under--you should
To be able to give a kid
An apple, and they go,
"Oh, thank you.
I love apples."
Kids can't even taste--
Apples are like paper to them.
Because we fill 'em,
We force them to eat--
People force their kids
To eat fast food.
I was in this hamburger--
This woman's, like, just
Shoving french fries in the--
"Eat it!"
The kid's, like,
"Mom, it's salty. It hurts.
I can't eat anymore."
"Shut up.
Have a soda."
We give them msg,
Sugar, and caffeine,
And, weirdly,
They react to those chemicals.
And so they yell, "aah."
And then we hit them.
What fucking chance
Does a kid have?
We pump the stuff in there.
"Aah!"
"Shut up!
"Stop it.
Why are you like this?"
"'Cause i haven't had actual
Nutrition in eight years, mom.
"I'm dehydrated.
"Give me water.
"Pepsi's not water,
You cunt.
"Give me a glass of water.
"I'm dying.
I have sores on my tongue
All the time."
"And stop hitting me.
"You're huge.
"How could you hit me?
That's crazy.
You're a giant,
And i can't defend myself."
I really think it's crazy
That we hit our kids.
It really is--here's the crazy
Part about it.
Kids are the only people
In the world
That you're allowed to hit.
Do you realize that?
They're the most vulnerable,
And they're the most destroyed
By being hit,
But it's totally
Okay to hit them.
And they're the only ones.
If you hit a dog,
They fucking will put you
In jail for that shit.
You can't hit a person
Unless you can prove that
They were trying to kill you.
But a little, tiny person
With a head this big
Who trusts you implicitly,
Fuck 'em.
Who gives a shit?
Just fucking--
Let's all hit them.
People want you
To hit your kid.
If your kid's making noise,
They'll be like,
"Hit him! Hit him!
"Hit him!
[Growls]
Hit him!"
That's right.
We're proud of it.
We tell--
"I hit my kids."
That's what people say
All the time.
"You're damn right
I hit my kids."
"Why--why do you hit them?"
"'Cause they were doing a thing
I didn't like at the moment,
"And so i hit them,
And guess what?
They didn't do it after that."
Well, that wouldn't be taking
The fucking easy way out,
Would it?
How about talking to 'em
For a second,
You fucking retard?
How do you f--
How is that--
How is that the--
What are you, an idiot?
What are you?
A fucking ape?
"Well, i don't--
It's a pain in the ass."
Well, you fucked a woman,
And a fucking baby
Came out of her vagina.
Now you be patient.
It's not their fault.
"Well, i'm teaching 'em
That you hit things."
"It's learning the world.
"You hit him,
And he'll know...
"That i'm stronger than him,
"That it hurts when my hand
Hits his face.
"He'll know.
"He'll get some wisdom
Out of that.
Raising 'em right."
God damn it.
Look, though,
Let me say this.
If you have kids
And you do hit your kids,
I totally get it.
I'm not judging.
Let me just explain.
I get it.
Because my mom hit me.
She hit me all the time.
I don't hit my kids.
I'm not better than my mom.
It's 'cause she was poor
And i have money.
That's really all it is.
It really is.
My mom works really hard.
She was a single mom.
She'd come home all
Bent over after 15 hours.
I'd be like, "mommy,
Nyah nyah nyah."
"Shut up!"
I totally get that.
I work two hours a week
Sometimes,
So it's not really fair,
And i know that.
I know there's moments
When you just fucking--
I mean, they're--
Being a parent means you have
Your back up against the wall
All the time,
Because it's the only job
You can't quit.
It's the only job
Where you can't just go--
Just put your wrench
Down and go,
"Fuck it, guys.
I'm leaving.
"I don't even
Want my last check.
I'm going home."
Anyway, i got two.
And the seven-year-old,
She's no trouble now.
That kid's amazing.
She's better than me.
She's smarter than me.
She's more decent.
She's cleaner.
Like, she comes out
of her room all dressed
With a little bow.
She's like, "hi.
Good morning, daddy."
And i'm in my underwear,
Like, "uh, hi."
I keep trying
Not to screw her up,
Because she's headed
For a great life
Unless i fuck it up.
That's basically
What's going on.
I'm not--i'm not
A father anymore.
I'm just a fat landlord.
I don't really matter.
Like, the other day, she was
Asking me all these questions.
And i totally hear--
She's asking me stuff,
And i'm just trying to tell her
What i know to be the truth.
But you can't just do that.
There's some shit
That's true
That you can't tell your kids
When they're certain ages.
I know that sounds simple,
But you don't know all the time
Until you fuck up.
I'm talking to her,
And she goes,
"Daddy, does the earth
Go around the sun?"
And i was like, "yeah."
She goes, "does it do it
All the time?"
And i go, "yeah."
She says, "will the earth always
Go around the sun forever?"
And i was like,
"Well, no, at some point,
The sun's gonna explode."
She's seven years old.
Do you understand
How horrible that is?
She started crying
Immediately.
Crying bitter tears
For the death of all humanity.
And here's how
I tried to save it.
I go, "oh, honey,
This isn't gonna happen
"Until you
And everybody you know
Has been dead
For a very long time."
She didn't know
Any of those things,
And now she knows
All of those things.
She's gonna die.
Everybody she knows
Is gonna die.
They're gonna be dead
For a very long time,
And then the sun's
gonna explode.
She learned all that
In 12 seconds
At the age of seven.
She took it pretty well.
I was proud of her.
She's like, "oh. Dude."
[Breathes heavily]
"Okay, well...
I guess i'll go play.
I don't..."
She's had a tough year,
That kid.
I feel really bad.
Lot of bad things
Happened to her this year.
This summer,
She got bit by a pony.
I'm not kidding.
A pony bit her.
How do you more break
A little girl's heart?
Than a pony bi--
That's like being raped
By Santa Claus.
It was the worst thing
That ever happened,
And it was made worse
By the fact
That it followed the greatest
Moment of her life,
Because she'd never
Seen a pony up close.
We just never were fucking--
Shitty parents.
We never gave her,
Like, a pony ride.
And last summer
I took the kids to Italy.
I took my girls to Italy
For whatever reason.
I don't know why.
And we're in this farmhouse
In the middle of nowhere.
And i put 'em to bed,
And i come outside,
And there's ponies.
They just showed up
Out of nowhere.
Just wild ponies.
Like 50 ponies.
I'm not fucking with you.
A huge amount of ponies.
And one donkey.
I don't know why.
There was one donkey
Hanging out with the ponies.
And they're just la--
And i'm like--
[Gasps]
And i run downstairs,
And i wake her up.
The little one, fuck her.
She's not making memories.
Who cares?
It's not worth it.
I take the seven-year-old,
And i bring her outside,
And she's standing barefoot
In her pajamas.
And it's dusk,
And it's ponies,
And she's like--
[Gasps]
And i'm like,
"I'm the best fucking father.
"I'm the best father.
Yeah!
"Yeah!
Look at that shit!
That's right!
I gave that to you!"
And she starts walking out
Towards the ponies.
She's like,
"Can i go near them?
I'm like, "yeah."
I'm an idiot.
I'm like, "yeah, totally.
"Go on out there, honey.
"You're only outnumbered
"What could possibly happen
In a sea of wild ponies?"
And she walks out,
And there's this one,
Beautiful, speckled pony,
And as she's
Walking towards it,
I'm an asshole,
'Cause i don't read--
It's going like--
[Snorts]
It's totally going,
"Dude, [snorts] no.
"Not--i'm not one of--
Fuck it.
"Get her out. Get her out.
"I'm a--dude,
I'm a fucking Italian wild pony.
Get her out of here."
Can i go, daddy?
I'm like, "yes, totally.
Go up to the pony."
She walks up to the pony,
And she turns to me and says,
"He's beautiful."
And as she's saying that,
The pony bites her
On the fucking leg.
And she screams.
It didn't break the skin,
But it was an awful bruise.
And i grab her
And i run inside.
And she says, "why, daddy?
Why did the pony bite me?"
And i said, "i don't know."
And she said,
"Do ponies bite a lot?"
And i'm like, "well, yeah,"
'Cause i don't want her to think
That she's so horrible
That the first pony ever
Bit her.
I go, "yeah, honey,
Ponies bite,"
And she goes, "well,
Why did you let me near it?"
She's like, "dude,
Make a fucking effort."
And then we're in the house,
And she says--
This is how great this kid is.
She calms down,
And she goes,
"I want to look up
About ponies biting."
Like, that's how she thinks.
Something upsets her,
She wants to look it up
And learn about it.
She says, "i want to find out
Why they bite
And what people say about it."
So we go and we do look up
About ponies,
And it turns
Out they're assholes.
They bite all the time.
And there's all these websites
That talk about what to do
When your pony bites,
And it's like everything else
On the internet.
It's just fighting.
Just people angry at each other.
The first guy says,
"You got to punch the pony
Right in the face."
Just punch it
Right in the face.
Then the next person says,
"You're a terrible person.
You should have your ponies
Taken away from you."
The next person
Was my favorite.
They go, "people who don't punch
Their ponies make me sick."
So we really are
A divided nation.
The three-year-old
Is a different story.
The three-year-old,
Here's her deal.
She's a three-year-old.
That's really it.
She's three years old.
The other day
I got in a fight with her.
Whose fault is that?
I'm 41,
And she's 3.
It's always your fault
With a three-year-old.
Always.
Because they are
Just what they are.
They can't help it.
Just tape the windows.
It's a fucking hurricane.
Just wait.
Anytime you're like this
With a three-year-old--
"Don't you under--"
You're an idiot.
That's you being an idiot.
"Don't you understand?"
"No, i don't, dad.
I haven't developed enough.
You just have to wait."
But it was partly her fault,
'Cause she wore me down.
Let me tell you
What happened.
It was this horrible,
Horrible day.
It started the night before,
'Cause she woke me up all night.
Just woke me up
Every fucking--
Just ten minutes.
Just woke me up--
Just--
"Dad."
With nothing.
That's the worst part.
"Daddy!"
"Wha--what? What is it?"
"Um..."
"Oh, fuck you.
You got nothing.
You bullshitter, you."
So now it's the next morning,
I'm making breakfast,
And i'm gone.
I'm insane.
I drank too much coffee
To overcompensate,
And i'm like--
I keep having these moments
Where it's like--
And there's nothing there.
Just nothing.
"Uh, okay. Jesus."
I'm making french toast.
She's over there
Sitting in her little chair,
Just fucking anger.
Just pure--she's
A little ball of anger.
She's like,
"I want french toast!"
I'm like, "yeah, that's
What i'm making, honey.
I'm making french toast."
I bring it over.
"Here."
"Give me syrup!"
"Yes. of course.
I'll give you syrup.
I always do.
I love you very much."
"Cut it for me!"
"I'm happy to cut it for you.
"You're not asking nicely,
But it's okay.
"I'll cut it for you,
Baby.
I love you very much."
Then she's looking
At her plate,
And she's literally going--
[Breathing heavily]
'Cause she needs to be--
Want something.
You know, she didn't--
There's nothing logical
For her to want,
So her brain has to go
Somewhere crazy.
So she's looking
At her plate.
She goes, "i don't know
Which piece to eat!"
And i'm still not engaging.
I'm like,
"Oh, i know, honey.
"That's hard.
That's really hard.
"I'll just make a list of pros
And cons for every piece,
And i'll help you
With it later."
And i look at her,
And she's walking towards me now
With the plate just vertical,
With syrup fucking
Going on the floor.
She's like,
"Help me!
You're not helping!"
And i'm standing there,
Like, looking at her,
And i love her,
And i'm proud of her in a way,
'Cause i know she'll never
Want for anything.
She'll beat the shit
Out of people.
She's...
She'll kill people for meat
After the apocalypse.
She'll be one of those.
And then later i'm trying
To get them dressed for school,
And now the clock's ticking,
And i'm like, "uh..."
And i'm trying to put
A sweater on her,
And it's impossible.
The sweater has buttons
That just don't exist.
And i'm fucking--
My fat fingers,
And they're full of sweat.
And i have just tears
Going down my cheeks.
Crazy tears.
I'm not crying.
I'm, like,
Smiling with tears.
Copious--
"I can't--
I can't put on the sweater.
"I can't put on the sweater.
I can't.
I really can't do it."
And she's going like this.
So i give her a fig newton
Just to immobilize her,
Just to stop it.
'Cause she loves fig newtons.
I go, "here, honey.
Have a fig newton."
She goes, "they're not
Called fig newtons.
They're called pig newtons."
And i go,
"No, they're not.
They're called fig newtons."
And right away in my head
I'm like, "what are you doing?
"Why?
What is to be gained?
What do you care?"
Just--"yeah, pig newtons.
Fine. Go ahead.
"Good luck to you.
Go through life.
"See what kind of job
You can hold down
"With shit like that
Clanging around in your head.
I don't care.
I'll be dead."
But for some reason
I engaged.
"No, honey,
They're called fig newtons."
She goes,
"No. You don't know.
You don't know.
They're called pig newtons."
And i just--i feel this rage
Building inside.
Just...
Because it's not
That she's wrong.
She's three.
She's entitled to be wrong.
But it's the fucking arrogance
of this kid.
No humility.
No decent sense
of self-doubt.
She's not going like, "dad,
I think those are pig newtons.
Are you sure
That you have it right?"
She's not saying that.
She's not going, like,
"Dad, i'm pretty sure
Those are pig newtons,"
Which would be a little
Cunty, but acceptable.
I could deal with that.
She's giving me nothing.
"No, you don't know.
Those are pig--"
I'm like,
"Really? I don't know?
"I don't know?
"Dude, i'm not even using
My memory right now, okay?
"I'm reading the fucking box
"That the shit came out of!
"It says it!
Where are you getting
Your information?"
"How do you fuck with me
On this?
"You're 3 and i'm 41!
"What are the odds that
You're right and i'm wrong?
"What are the sheer odds
of that?
"And take a bite
of the cookie.
"Does it taste like
A pork cookie, motherfucker?
"I don't think so.
Why would they call it
A pig newton?"
"What's--
Oh, it tastes like figs.
Fucking interesting,
That, isn't it?"
I didn't say a word of that.
Obviously.
But anyway, later...
Got the kids dressed.
It's winter.
We all have the layers on,
And it's time
To go to school.
And i've got ten minutes
To get to a school
That's ten minutes away,
Which is a horrible feeling.
I put my hand
On the door to leave,
And all of a sudden i go,
"I got to take a shit.
"Take the coats off, kids.
"We're gonna be late.
"You're gonna be
I don't give a shit."
I am not walking
To school like this.
I can't use the bathroom
At the school,
'Cause child molesters
Ruined that for everybody.
Just--we're--
I'm shitting here.
So i'm sitting on the toilet.
I'm shitting.
With the door open,
By the way.
That's my life.
Two kids by myself.
I can't shit
With the door closed.
Unless i gather them
Into the bathroom
To watch daddy take a dump.
Which i've done
With the little one.
"Honey, uh, i got to poop
And you're too crazy.
Just come with me.
You got to come with me."
So i'm sitting there,
And i'm shitting,
And i'm trying to see them
In the other room.
"Honey,
Stay between the tables.
I can't see you,"
I said.
The little one
Walks into view naked.
It's all gone.
All gone.
Walks up, looks at me.
And then she--
I don't know why,
But she shows me her ass.
It's something
She always does when she's--
She just goes--
"Look at it!
Daddy,
You're not looking!"
So i'm sitting there shitting,
Looking at her ass.
[Clears throat]
And i saw something
That i'd never seen before.
And i'm gonna describe it to you
The way that i saw it,
Because it just--i didn't know
What i was looking at.
I'm looking at her little,
White ass.
She's white. Little, perfect,
Little, white ass.
And right in the center of it,
This little black dot
Just--boop!
Appeared like magic.
That's what it
Looked like to me,
Because i've never
Seen shit
Actually coming out
of an ass before.
I never saw that.
I never saw the shit--
Like, the crowning,
The shit coming out.
And if you ever do see that,
It's fucking bananas, man.
It's weird.
And upsetting.
I yelled.
I went, "aah!"
And a second later, just--
She just drops
This massive--
I felt the impact tremor
Under my feet.
This huge pile of shit.
Just a pile.
Like several people's
Pile of shit.
Like a port-a-potty on
The last day of the festival.
Just a huge,
Huge pile of shit.
How? She's three.
This kid shits like a bear.
I don't understand it.
Seriously.
If you were in the woods
And you saw a shit like that,
You'd be like, "let's get
The fuck out of here!
Run!"
Huge pile of shit.
As big as her whole body.
Easily.
I thought she would just crumple
Like a balloon on top of it.
"Huh. Weird."
She's standing there just
Straddling this huge shit,
Presenting it, like...
She slips, falls
Right into her own shit.
Yes, fell--
I was there.
Fell right in the middle
of her own heap of shit.
Her head hit the floor.
You know that sound of your
Kid's head hitting the floor?
[Smacks stool]
"Ooh. Oh, God.
"Uh, she's done.
"That's it for her.
She's finished.
"She's gonna be running
To the mailbox once a day.
That's about it for her."
Now she's laying
In her shit,
Screaming and crying
And making an angel.
I run over.
I'm still shitting,
Holding a
Shit-covered child.
We're the shit family.
That's what we are.
The seven-year-old's
Standing there,
"I got to get
The fuck out of here.
This is horrible."
That's my life right now,
Man.
That's--like, where in there
Do i fit, like,
Getting pussy?
Like, there's no place
For that.
I can't even think about it.
I tried to, like--
The other day i was, like,
Okay, take a sexual
Inventory here.
What do you got left,
You know?
And i went--
I took off my clothes,
And i stood in the mirror,
And i looked in the mirror,
Like, a full-length mirror,
Naked.
I'll never do that again.
I don't need--
I don't need to do it.
I can go my whole life
Without doing it again.
I'm going to.
I'm not in good shape.
I'm not in the worst shape.
I mean,
I went to a doctor,
And he gave me the whole
He's like, "all right, well,
Your cholesterol is high,
"But i don't expect you
To do anything about that.
"And your prostate's
A little bit too big.
"Let's go ahead and let it
Be a little too big.
And you're only
Cosmetically overweight."
I was like, "what?"
He goes,
"Your overweightness,
It's not a medical issue."
I'm like, "well, so then you
didn't have to say anything.
Why--why did you even
bring it up?"
You're just saying, like,
"Well, medically speaking,
You don't have a weight
problem, but you look gross."
That's what he's saying.
I'm looking at myself,
And here's the problem,
Is that i didn't even
wear down evenly.
Like, different parts
of my body
Are older than others.
Like, my dick and balls
Don't even match each other.
Like, my balls
Are older than me.
They're, like, the old--
I swear to God.
I'm 41.
My balls are, like, 72.
They're really old, and they
Just kind of hang there.
They're just hanging, like...
They look like they're being
Rescued by a helicopter
From a mountain.
[Imitates helicopter]
They've been trapped
On a mountain together.
Zipped together
In a sleeping bag.
[Shuddering]
"If we ever get out of this,
I'll never call you lefty again.
I'm sorry."
And then my dick is, like,
Happy and shiny
And young-looking.
My penis is, like, a young,
Walking down with these
Two old guys following him.
Hey, man, hang back.
I'm trying to get some pussy.
Get out of here.
[Elderly voice]
"Wait for us."
And at some point,
I got to show this shit
To some poor,
Unfortunate woman
That has to see this
Fucked up package of mine.
I don't know what--
Like, i'll tuck my balls
Between my legs.
"I don't have balls.
I just have a penis.
Is that okay?"
That must be weird for women,
That you don't know what kind of
Dick and balls you're gonna get
Until it's way too late.
Like, it's the last
Thing you see.
And it doesn't seem fair.
It should be the first
Thing you see.
Every date should start
With a guy taking out--
"Is this gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, that's fine.
It's gonna be worth my time.
Go ahead and put it away.
We'll deal with it later."
'Cause you don't--
You don't find out till you're
Looking down the barrel of it,
And it's really too late now.
Like, "oh, Jesus."
And the dick's
Looking up at you,
And it's all...
Like, "this is,
Like, a Dr. Seuss tree.
"I don't even--
It's all yellowy brown
With sprigs coming out."
And women are so nice.
I don't know a single story
of a woman who finally gets
A guy's dick out and goes,
"No. That--no.
"That's not your dick.
Come on!
"Take out your penis.
"That's not a penis.
That's bullshit."
They just go, "okay.
Oh, fuck.
What hole can i put this in
That'll depress me the least?"
And i have--
I have met some women
Since i been single,
And they've been younger,
Mostly,
Because women my age--
I like women my age,
But they're mostly either
Married with children
Or in a room alone,
Angry and crazy.
One or the other.
They're not out looking
To fuck a comic, generally.
But young women
Are up for something.
They'll fuck you and do
Other things later.
Like...
And also,
With younger women,
I'm in competition
With younger guys,
And younger guys
Are not very subtle.
They don't really know
How to talk to a woman
Even their own age.
They're just kind of all--
Like, penis skin's been grafted
On their whole body.
They're just--
[Mutters]
"Can i--is this...
"Is this is a fuck date?
'Cause i...
I just want to put my come
In your body."
It's just a lot of pressure.
And then the young woman
Meets me,
And i'm like, "hey, look,
"I've been jerking off in
The guest room for 15 years.
"I'm like the man
In the iron mask.
I'm just happy to be out."
Young guys are--
They're afraid of women.
They're afraid
of their feelings.
"My girlfriend's mad at me!"
Well, later she won't be.
Fucking calm down.
They're afraid
of their bodies.
They're afraid
of women's bodies.
"My girlfriend's having
Her period. What do i do?"
Fuck her in the period hole,
You idiot.
What is--what's the dilemma?
I don't give a shit.
If you're having your period,
Come on over.
I'm 41. I'm--i'll fuck
The shit out of you.
I'll drink the blood.
Let's party.
Thank you very much, guys.
You guys--you were great.
Thank you.
[Cheers and applause]
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