1
One of my hobbies
is I collect dust.
Are you from this country?
I go around town
slashing tire prices.
Do you get that?
Do you know that Christmas song
"Do You Hear What I Hear?"
Do you?
You stopped laughing.
You stopped laughing, sir.
You got the idea,
there are no jokes.
There's a kind of hush
all over this room.
I'm addicted to
prescription glasses.
And "20/20" wants to do
my life story.
It gets wor-
A four-year-old wrote this.
Thank you.
No, I'm not leaving yet,
hold on.
This is my stepladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I heard great things
about my real ladder,
that he supported three people
at one time.
Last I heard, he's one-
I fucked that up, too.
The last I heard, he was in
a 12-step program.
It really didn't matter.
Oh, thank you.
Anyway, I've had a lovely-
That's it for me, thank you very
much, thank you very much.
Anyway, with that,
I'm gonna bring up the man.
Do you know the man?
Mister who?
Mr. Louie-who, what?
Mr. Louis Prima? No.
Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.
Mr. Louis C.K.!
Here he is.
Thank you.
Oh.
Oh, my God, you guys.
Oh, my God, thank you.
This-
You guys...
You guys are great, thank you.
This is what I talk like now,
just so you know.
I'm gonna do
the whole show like this.
A really-a very offensive
stereotype...
...of a Mexican.
This is...
This is a Mexican at the border.
Just let me in!
Jesus!
He won't let me-
You guys are dicks
in there, anyways!
Fuck you, America!
Was that too high up,
do you think?
That's why I like-
I always like to stand
just a little bit wrong,
you know?
Just for my own entertainment,
instead of standing like this,
just put it a little bit up
here, just so people are like-
I don't know why
that bothers me.
Especially if I'm somewhere
I don't like being, like CVS.
You know, I hate CVS.
But sometimes
you gotta go in there.
That should be
their slogan, CVS.
Sometimes
you gotta come in here."
Where else you gonna get
your wart Band-Aids
and that stuff
for your dry vaginer?
Dry vaginer.
I used to think
it was called a "vaginer."
I did, because I grew up
in Boston and the-
I don't know
if you are familiar with-
People call it
the Boston accent.
It's not an accent.
It's a whole city of people
saying most words wrong.
It's just a stupidity
in a massive region.
Because my teachers,
they teach you
to talk like that.
My teacher-I had a teacher
named Miss Daugherty,
but she thought
her name was Mrs. Darrity.
She mispronounced her own name.
Mrs. Darrity!
And she'd give us sex-ed-
This was fifth grade.
We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,
and she's showing us
the diagram, she's like,
"This is a penis.
"And this is a vaginer.
"Now, during intercourse,
the man ejaculates sperm...
"... up into the vaginer.
"And then later,
"a fucking baby...
"... comes out of the vaginer.
And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"
This was the '70s.
A teacher said "retahded"
in Boston in the '70s.
"My daughter's retahded."
She used to tell us every day.
"I have a daughter
and she's mentally retahded.
"She's 35 and she lives
in my house.
"She better be fucking retahded.
I'm gonna stick her back up
in my vaginer."
So I thought it was called
a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.
And I remember thinking
it was, like-
It's a vaginer, it's a-
Like, a thing
that vagines, you know?
Like, you use it to vagine-
I gotta vagine my driveway.
I don't know.
I just gotta vagine
this new table I just made.
That would make a nice table,
like, you make a new table
and then you take the-
the 80-grit paper
and you sand it, and then 120,
and then you go, "All right,
honey, get up there,"
and she just...
Like, an old-
Like, one of those
Danish tables, or like a...
Ooh.
Nice old Italian table.
"This table is-a very smooth
"because, eh, my wife
have a very juicy pussy
"and she vagine the table
and my family,
we do this
for generations, we vagine."
All right.
So I'm 47 now, and, uh...
Yeah, I know, that's about
what it's worth.
That's what it-
That's what that deserves.
"Woo."
"Woo."
"Woo!"
Yeah, 47 doesn't
buy you anything.
18, you can vote,
21, you can drink,
and 47, you can just-
Just keep doing whatever.
Just do...
Just keep being out of breath.
One good thing is that
I've let go of any dream
of getting in great shape,
like, it's like a relief.
Just 'cause-
My whole life I've been like,
well, someday, I should
really get in great shape.
Now, I'm like, what?
Why would I do that?
That's not gonna happen.
Just-
To me, the bar,
the level I wanna reach
as far as the shape I'm in,
I just want it to be
so that if you find out
that I died,
you ask "What happened?"
That's all.
I want you to wonder
what happened.
I don't want it to be
like, "Oh, he died?"
Oh, yeah, well, sure.
Sure he did.
Sure he did.
This'd be bigger news to you-
Did you hear
Louie's still alive?
Shit.
Oh, really?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, how?
How?
Some things change
when you get older.
Like, I've reallocated some
of the noises that I make.
Like, the noise
I used to make when I come
is now the noise I make
when I pee.
Oh... oh...
Oh...
Ah...
Ahhh...
Take it all, bitch.
Very disrespectful
to my toilet, unfortunately.
Yeah, you like that piss,
don't you?
Bitch!
I'm gonna shit in your mouth,
too, 'cause you ain't nothing
but a shit-eatin',
piss-drinkin' toilet!
Dumb bitch, toilet!
You ain't intelligent.
You ain't even been outside.
You sit there waiting for me
to shit in your face.
Got piss on your lips.
You ain't even special.
I pissed in three toilets today.
You ain't shit.
That's terrible.
That's awful.
But that's how my dad
treated his toilet,
so that's where I learned it.
It's a shame.
So that's the noise
I make when I pee.
And, uh, some of you
might be wondering-
None of you are wondering...
...what noise do I make
when I come.
So this is the noise
I make when I come.
I just go...
It is done!
It's a whole thing with clouds
and lightning and crows.
The circle is complete!
It's kind of intense.
And there's a little witch
with white eyes going,
"And a child will be born!"
I don't know.
One time I was
having sex with a woman,
it was our first time
having sex.
Also turned out to be
our last time, but I wasn't-
Didn't know that at the-
Anyway, I was getting-
I was gonna come soon,
so I felt like talking
about it, and...
But I didn't know her very well.
So it came out weird,
I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."
She's like, "What did you say?"
'Cause I was back there.
That's why.
That's why
she had to go like this.
"What'd you say?
What was that back there, chief?
What was that?"
'Cause I'm always back there.
That's a-that's a weird thing
to brag about.
I'm always behind her.
Every time.
So they don't see me crying.
It's weird having sex
with a woman from behind
'cause you don't know
what's going on the whole time
and you get kinda paranoid.
The whole time,
she might be like...
I was on the subway in New York.
This isn't another sex story.
This is a traveling story.
Are you ready?
So I'm on the subway
and I'm standing there-
I wasn't holding anything,
I just like to stand like this.
I'm standing there.
I walk around the city
like this.
Hi.
So I'm standing there and
from behind me over here,
I hear this. I hear...
And I was like, whew, okay.
It's a crazy person.
I mean, it's not a big surprise
in New York.
Then I heard it again.
I was like,
all right, I wanna see,
I wanna see the crazy person.
I just wanna take a look.
So I look over and
it's not what I expected.
It wasn't a big homeless guy
with two sets of headphones
that don't work
or anything like that.
It was a...
A young woman,
she looked like she was about 21
and she's standing there,
she's very, kinda nice-
Properly dressed.
She was very, like,
Michigan-y or something.
Very suburban-y, Michigan-y
kinda thing.
And she's standing there
with her ponytail,
and then all of a sudden,
she starts going like this,
she goes...
La-la la-la-la la-la!"
And I realize, oh,
she's, like, a student,
like, a singing music student,
and she's doing her vocal
exercises on the subway.
You know what?
It wasn't charming or nice.
It was arrogant and rude,
'cause she just had
this look like, it's-
I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying
music in New York City
and I just do my thing
right on the subway every day.
La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!
La-la la-la-la la-la,
tired nurse
who just did a 14-hour shift!
We live in an interesting time,
you know.
'Cause you can be
on an airplane,
you're like one
of 200 passengers.
You're on a flight
30,000 feet in the air,
and in the middle of the flight
if you just decide to do this,
you're sitting in your seat
and you just start going
like this, you go...
Maaah!
Maaah! Mahh!
If you do that and
don't stop doing it,
they will land the plane.
You can will a plane
to the ground
without a weapon or a threat.
You don't even
have to do that much,
you can just sit there and
just start going, "Down!
Down!"
Seriously, if you were
on a plane
and you just didn't
stop saying "down."
"Down!
Down!"
"Sir, is there a problem?"
"Down!
Down!"
Fighter jets will appear-
I mean, you're going
to the nearest airport.
And then I guess
you're in trouble, but...
What? They can't put you,
like, in prison
because you said
"down" several times.
They, like, bother you.
"Why'd you do it?
Are you a terrorist?
Why'd you do it?"
"I just-I just didn't want
to be up anymore.
"I just didn't like it.
"I mean, I just said the word
of the-where I wanted to be.
"You didn't have to do it.
It was just a suggestion,
Jesus Christ."
I was on a plane once and there
was two babies on the plane.
And other people,
it wasn't just...
It wasn't just me
and two babies.
That would be weird.
You get on a plane,
there's just two babies.
Come on, we're leaving soon.
He's the pilot baby.
I'm the other baby.
No, that's all right,
I'm not gonna...
You babies have a good flight,
but I'm gonna find
another way to get there.
Yeah, I don't like the way
this was starting.
Anyway, I was on a plane
and there was these two babies
and they were crying
the whole time,
crying the whole flight,
and that happens a lot.
I don't think they knew each
other, they were just crying.
I've seen this
on so many flights,
I started to wonder, is there
a reason for this?
Is there, like,
an actual reason why babies-
So I looked it up. Turns out,
there's an actual reason
why babies cry on airplanes,
and it's because they're upset
that gay people
are getting married.
Yeah.
They're, like, really upset.
Like, inconsolably upset.
Honey, it's-
The country's changing.
Waah!
And I don't agree with them.
I think if people are in love,
they should get married.
But they can't-
They can't accept that.
'Cause they're just-You know,
they're just being babies.
Babies are selfish.
They are, babies are selfish.
They just, waah!
No baby ever goes, "Waah,
but how you doing, though?"
I have two daughters and both of
them at one time were babies
and I held them
and they cried on planes.
It's happened to me,
I've had a baby on a plane.
If you're ever-
This is how selfish people are.
When you're on a plane and
you hear a baby crying,
you think that's
happening to you.
You're like, "Ugh, this is
gonna ruin my flight!
It's gonna ruin it!"
Well, look at the parent,
'cause that person is holding
a crying baby on a plane,
which means they've been
traveling with a baby all day,
which means they have
a baby, okay?
So their life isn't even good.
They don't like anything.
Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!
If there's any joy for them,
it's that this is now
bothering other people.
"Yeah, you listen
to this shit now!"
Waah!
I remember one time, my baby
was crying on the plane,
she was really upset,
and this guy,
some businessman on the plane,
'cause businessmen
always think that every flight
is a private plane of theirs
that we're all, like,
piggybacking on.
And this guy has
his fucking newspaper
and he turns around to look
at me and my baby
and he looks right at me.
He doesn't kinda, like,
go like this.
He looks at me like, hmm?
Like, could you?
I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
is this bothering you?
Let me just..."
You all just clapped
for a dead baby.
You applauded a dead baby.
I have two children.
Uh, nine and 12 years old.
Both girls.
Uh, they're both gay.
Um...
I'm raising 'em gay.
Most people
raise their kids straight,
I'm just gonna raise mine gay.
Maybe they'll do what
they want later, but, uh,
as long as they're in
my house, they're gay.
I tell 'em every day,
you're gay, honey, good night.
Go to bed.
Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.
Don't forget to be gay.
Having children
is a big responsibility
and I've never really done
very well at it.
I've made a lot of mistakes.
Some of them big, some of them
small, you know?
Like, I'm still a person,
I still am an idiot, you know,
still, like, I-
I got high one night,
I got really high, because
I don't do drugs.
I never do drugs, never.
So that when I do...
...they're way more fun.
To me, that's my best advice
about drugs.
If you want to enjoy drugs,
never do them, never.
Because then when you do,
they're actually fun.
'Cause when drugs
are a part of your life,
they're just another pain
in the ass in your life.
It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.
I don't want to have
that problem.
I always want to be that person
where it's a new thing,
somebody's like,
hey, you wanna try this?
And I'm like, oh!
I don't know if I should.
This is crazy.
I don't even know
how I'm gonna do it.
I mean, what is this?
Anyway, I got-
My friend had the little vape-
I'm a little worried, honestly,
by the young people
with the vaping
and they just do this
and then they just vape.
And they just stand
on the corner and puff
and look at the fucking thing
and I miss-I miss you.
That's what it is,
I miss you people,
'cause you used
to stand around like this
and I get to go,
"I'd fuck that one,
and that one's okay,"
but now I don't even-
I'm just looking at the top
of people's heads now.
But I didn't realize
how, like, my friend-
I have a younger friend
who vapes
and she told me it's just
to kinda, like, calm her.
She's like, I barely feel it,
you know.
Sometimes it helps me sleep.
So one night, we're hanging out
and I'm like, I'm gonna go home
and go to sleep,
but I mean, I'll just try it,
so I took one little tiny hit.
I was insane,
I was completely insane.
I was in my house, I couldn't
even walk past a window,
I had to go under the windows,
'cause I was afraid of
the inside of my own brain.
So I started texting people,
just being-
Just texting, "I'm so high.
I'm so fucking high.
I'm so high," and I texted,
you know, another friend.
"I'm so high I want to suck
the pot jizz out of my own dick
and get higher."
That's what I wrote.
I'm not bragging, I'm just
telling you that's what I wrote.
And I sent it.
And then later, I looked
at my text and I was, like,
I think I might have sent that
to my 12-year-old daughter.
I think it's possible.
And I didn't,
but I too easily could've.
We need-Now my kids
are in my phone.
There needs to be
some very reliable firewall
that says, these numbers
are much harder to text,
that you can't just, whoops!
Traumatized her irreversibly!
That you can go, like,
to write to these numbers,
I have to solve the Hellraiser
puzzle and I have to...
There's two guys with the keys
in the opposite room
that turn them
at the same moment
and there's a warning.
"Are you sure you want
to send this picture
"of your pubic hair
to your ex-wife's mother?"
That's how you want
to break the silence
of six years since the divorce.
"This is my pubic hair.
"Look at all of my pubic hair.
How have you been?"
I try to be a good dad,
but, you know, like-
life just kinda takes off
and kids start, you know,
they got their own ideas
and they're-
My nine-year-old, she's just
figuring out about lying
and that's a tough thing.
It's hard to roll that one back,
because lying is pretty
amazingly useful in life.
It's like, how do you tell a kid
not to use a thing
that just solves every
possible problem, like magic?
How do you...
'Cause that's why-Kids lie
'cause they're in trouble.
They lie 'cause they're in more
trouble than they can take,
you know?
'Cause kids...
Nine-year-old, when
a nine-year-old lies,
it's not for some weird
Machiavellian, you know...
"Do you know what my teacher
said about you?
It was interesting."
They don't just make shit up.
They lie because
they're in trouble
and it's more than they can-
'Cause trouble
is too much for a kid.
Trouble-For grown-ups,
we can take trouble.
We don't care.
We just go, oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, am I in trouble?
Oh, whoops!
We don't care.
But to a little kid, trouble is
like this horrible...
Did you take the chocolate?
And she did and she doesn't know
how to handle it.
Did you-
Did you take it?
"No."
Well, all right, then,
have a nice day.
How do you then tell her,
yeah, don't ever apply
that perfect solution again,
to terrifying things.
Mark Twain once said, "A man
who always tells the truth
doesn't have to remember
what he said."
And that's great.
But Mark Twain also said,
"There once was a big black guy
named Nigger Jim."
So...
I don't know if...
...a hundred percent
of the things he said
were perfectly awesome.
Really, Mark? Nigger Jim,
you're gonna go with?
That's the best you can do,
to name the-
It's got kind of a nice ring
to it, Nigger Jim.
Yeah, well, it's a little
on the nose, isn't it?
Could've called him Black Mike,
I mean, just a little...
Take it down one notch of the...
Thanks for that, Mark.
Anyway.
So, while we're in this area...
Now that I know
you guys are cool.
No, no.
No.
No. Um...
No, no.
But, uh-but, uh...
but... but...
This is a story
that takes place-
I'm gonna tell you this story,
it's kind of a messy story.
It takes place over a lot
of years, 'cause it start-
It started with my friend Mike,
who told me this story.
This happened to him
back in the '90s.
He was going home for Christmas
and he lives in Connecticut-
He grew up in Connecticut
in some shitty shit town
in shitty, shitty Connecticut,
and he didn't like going home.
He's one of those people.
He came from a place-
Doesn't like it anymore.
And he goes back-
He doesn't know how
to handle his family, you know,
and he came from a family
of white racists
and he doesn't like going home,
but it's still home,
so he went home
for Christmas one year
and everybody's hanging out
during the day, talking,
having lunch,
and his father and his brother
both work at this factory
and his brother's grousing
about his day at work
and he goes, "Yeah,
and then this fucking nigger
fell asleep at the forklift."
And then my friend Mike heard
that and he went, "Oh, God.
Why am I part of these people?
I hate this."
And he felt bad.
And then that night,
he's in the kitchen
and he's having a warm milk
or whatever and he...
I don't know why that's-
I don't know
why that's funny, but...
What that says about him.
Yeah, 'cause he's a pussy.
No.
He's just sort of having
some time to himself
and his cousin comes downstairs,
who's staying-
And his cousin,
he likes his cousin.
That's the one person
he always felt connected with,
and his cousin's like,
"What's wrong, man?"
And he says, "Well, jeez,
I come home and I hoped
"that everything would be,
you know, normal,
"but then, my brother says,
uhh, he's at the factory
and this nigger
fell asleep at the forklift."
And his cousin goes,
"Oh, my God,
the nigger fell asleep
at the forklift?"
So this is the first part
of the story, okay?
So Mike tells me that story
about how he's just not listened
to by anybody in his family,
and then later on, I get
a job writing on a TV show
for Cedric the Entertainer.
Great guy, and he had a show
and he hired a writing staff,
half white writers,
half black writers.
So at lunchtime, we talk
about race, it was just a-
We'd have these provocative,
interesting conversations,
trading notes about race,
the white writers
and the black writers,
and I told that story.
I told the whole thing
about the guy,
"Uhh, nigger and the forklift,"
And then the cousin saying,
"Uhh, the nigger
at the forklift!"
And then one of the writers,
a black writer,
he goes, "There's nothing worse
"than a nigger falling asleep
at the forklift,
making it harder
for the rest of us."
Still, nobody is quite hearing
what my friend
was going through.
And then, about a year later,
I'm hanging out
with my friend Dino.
Dino is Greek.
He has no dog in the race,
he doesn't care either way.
He's Greek. Greeks aren't
white or black, they're just-
He's just got a big nose
and he just stands there.
And I told Dino the whole story,
I told him about the guy,
"Uhh, the forklift,"
and the guy, "Uhh!"
And then the black writer-
And then Dino says, "How do
you fall asleep at a forklift?"
My oldest daughter is gonna be
13 next year, that's a big deal.
That's a big deal.
That's-
All the parents ahead of you
always go, like, yeah.
Yeah, wait 'til she...
That's when you...
I'm not afraid
of her teenagehood.
It's gonna be challenging
and difficult
and she'll meet
the challenges, you know.
I'm always proud of my kid.
She's a good kid.
Now, some parents are really
afraid of their daughters.
A lot of dads get scared, like,
I don't know what to do.
I have this friend,
his daughter's 15,
he's like, "She's gonna
start having sex!
"I don't know what to do!
She's gonna have sex,
what do I do?"
I'm like, well,
you don't do anything.
You don't have a role
in that at all.
You're her father.
No role.
Not supportive
or advisory, nothing.
"But what if she has a bad
sexual experience?"
Oh, she's gonna have
a number of those.
Oh, yes, she is.
Her whole life
is gonna be just walking
through a blizzard of bad dicks,
just...
Ow!
Dicks, just-
Jesus.
What the fuck?
That was a big one.
Holy fuck, I'm just
trying to get to work.
The little one,
the nine-year-old,
life's a little simpler.
Tap dancing, she takes
tap dancing lessons.
We started her with tap dancing,
because we figure
by the time she grows up,
it'll be the 1930s again,
and, uh, yeah.
She'll have this thing
she can do
that nobody enjoys watching.
Do you know who the audience is
for tap dancing?
The parents of
tap dancing students.
That's all of it.
'Cause we all have
to go to the show
at the end of
the tap dancing semester,
and they have a big theater show
and all the kids get up there,
they all tap dance
in groups of threes.
There's about 6,000 kids.
They do about 20 minutes each.
So the show's about
seven months long,
and everybody dies at the end.
But you go because you want
to see your kid tap dance,
'cause that's an amazing thing,
'cause this was a baby,
she was just a baby.
She was just like...
That's it.
And now she's going like this.
It's amazing.
But you gotta watch
all those other kids
that you don't love at all.
And you gotta watch people,
grown-ups do it.
There's grown-up-
Adult students,
and they get up there.
Get off!
Nobody's here to see you!
Nobody!
Your parents are dead,
you're 52!
Nobody came from work.
Nobody came from work.
I take her every-every
Thursday to tap dancing
and we go up to the school and
she puts on her tap shoes
and she goes in the little room.
I don't go in there, and she
tap dances and I wait outside,
because it's 40 minutes, it's
not enough time to go anywhere.
So I just sit there and listen
to...
And then she comes out.
"I don't-I'm tired of this.
I don't want to go anymore."
Good, don't.
I don't want to bring you.
Quit. Quit.
I don't care.
I don't push my kids
into this shit.
'Cause you gotta do it, too.
I don't wanna do it.
"Daddy, I'm tired of soccer."
Soccer is out of our lives
forever,
with those words
from thine mouth.
Soccer is gone.
I don't care-
Don't go to school,
I don't want to get up at 7:00.
Don't do any of this shit,
honey. I don't care.
I have money, just eat
the food in the house.
Stay home and eat.
You and your sister,
don't have kids,
I can cover all of us
and then we all die.
That's my goal.
I want to make enough money
that we can just lock the door
and eat the food.
That's it.
"Daddy, what are we
doing today?"
Go to the food room and pick
something out and go to bed.
That's all
that's required of you.
People-People overthink
this life shit.
People get all knotted up.
"I don't know what to do
with my life.
"Like, I don't know, like,
what I should be, or, like...
"I don't know, it's like...
What should I, like, do?
With my-
With, like, my life?"
Just get food
and put it in the-
Put food in here.
That's it.
Put food in here.
Walk around and look for food.
And anytime you see
any food, put it in here.
Just take it and put it in here.
Later, when you feel pressure,
shit out the shit in there.
That's it.
If anybody tries to stop you
from doing either of those,
murder them.
That's it.
Doesn't have to be
any more complicated.
Do it 'til you're died-
'til you're dead.
'Til you're dead, died, dead.
I don't know how long
I'm gonna live, I have no idea.
You don't really ever get
to find out.
You never get to go,
okay, I'm dead, so, 80.
You don't ever get
to have that thought.
"This is it. " You get to go,
"This is probably it."
That's your last thought.
"This is probably it
right here."
Yeah, well, we're all
gonna die at some point.
It's true, man.
And you find out at some point-
It's an interesting thing
about human beings,
that we live with the knowledge
that we're gonna die.
I found out when I was seven
that everybody dies.
My grandfather told me.
He said, "Everybody dies!"
I wasn't even talking to him.
I was just trying
to blow out the candles.
And I was seven years old when
I found out that everybody dies.
And I was excited,
not 'cause everybody dies,
but 'cause I knew it.
I was excited 'cause I knew
I was young to know
that everybody dies.
I knew that most of my friends
didn't know and I thought,
I'm gonna tell them.
I want to be the one
that tells everybody.
I especially
wanted to tell Benjy,
this kid across the street
from me.
There was this kid Benjy,
he lived-I didn't-
He wasn't my friend.
I was seven and he was six,
but if I ever came out
in my front yard,
he would come out
and I'd be like, ugh,
here he comes.
Just hated him.
Hated him.
First person I ever hated.
Like, visceral hate.
He was-
To me, he was a piece of shit
cocksucker asshole.
That's what he was to me,
and I didn't even know
any of those words.
I just had that,
like, as a raw feeling
with no way to say it.
I was too young
for the feeling that I had,
and then somebody-
I heard somebody say
"piece of shit cocksucker
asshole," I was like,
that, yes, thank you.
That's what that-
Yes, that's how-Yes.
Anyway, one day
I was in my front yard
and piece of shit Benjy
comes across.
And he says, "I got a new bike,"
or something like that.
And I was like, uh,
"You're gonna die someday."
And he was like,
"What? No, I'm not."
I said, "Yes, you are.
"Everybody dies.
"You're gonna die
and your mom's gonna die
"and your daddy's gonna die.
In that order."
He was really upset
and he starts running.
It's still funny to me,
it still makes me laugh,
40 years later.
I can still see it so clearly
and it still makes me laugh.
Run, Benjy!
You can't run
from this shit, bitch.
It's gonna get you.
I wonder if he's dead.
Anyway.
So he came back with his mom,
his mom is so angry,
and then I was scared.
And his mom came over,
"What did you say to him?"
And I said, "I just told him
that everybody dies."
And she goes, "Well,
that's not necessarily true."
I was like, "What?"
She says, "Well, some people
die, but not everybody does."
And I was so full of questions.
I was like, what about-
What about Abraham Lincoln and
George Washington, they're dead.
But she said, "Yeah,
"that's 'cause something
happened to them.
"George Washington
didn't take care of himself
"and Lincoln got shot,
but there's a lot of people
alive from those days."
And I was like, really?
What about, like, Bible people?
And she's like, "Yeah, I-
We have to go."
And then she left,
'cause I think she realized,
this is only gonna get worse.
She's not on a good side
of this argument.
And then I went to my mom
and I told her the whole thing,
she's like, don't worry,
that lady's a fucking idiot,
don't listen to her.
My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,
you're definitely going to die."
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
People from the Bible.
I wonder if people in the Bible
knew they were gonna be
in the Bible.
Like, "You guys, this is totally
gonna be in the Bible.
"This is totally-You guys,
"we're gonna get in the Bible,
everybody.
I gotta get my roots done
so I look good for the Bible."
Yeah, my dog died recently.
I had to tell the kids
that the dog is dead.
That's a tough thing, telling
your kids that the dog died.
You gotta tell 'em
at some point.
You can't just keep going,
What? No, he's-Where'd he go?
Oh, look, there he goes.
I don't know, he's-
That little scamp.
There he goes, go get 'em.
Go get 'em!
Told my kids the dog died
and we dealt with it.
And I was proud of them
how they expressed
their feelings about it.
They cried.
I was proud of them
how they dealt
with their feelings
and what they said about
it and how they processed it
and I realized, this was
a positive thing.
That's how you start thinking
as a parent,
a lot of things you don't think
would be positive really are,
'cause-'cause a dog dying
is an opportunity
to deal with death
with your kids.
It's like a dry run for Grandma.
It is, it is.
Dog dies, you talk about it,
you deal with it.
Later on, you go, so, you know
all that stuff we talked about?
About the dog?
Yeah, so, Grandma now.
Mm-hmm.
All the same stuff.
That's right.
All right, go brush your teeth.
I had a dog when I was a kid
and he hated me,
and it really hurt.
It's a true story,
my dog hated me and I-
I wanted a dog so bad,
I was, like, ten years old,
I used to beg my mother
for a dog
and she just would say,
like, you had one
when you were a baby
and it died, it's fine.
But finally, she said,
you can have a dog
if you keep your room clean
for a month.
And I was so excited, 'cause
I was, like, I'm getting a dog.
I told all my friends,
I'm gonna get a dog.
All I have to do is keep my room
clean for a month.
I lasted about a week
and it just went to shit.
I couldn't do it and then
I tried, like, three, four days,
I couldn't do it.
And I got so depressed.
I was like, I'm ten
and I already know
my life is gonna be shit
'cause I can't do anything.
And finally, my mom
was like, just-
We'll get the dog, you're
bumming everybody out.
So she got us a dog.
And the dog looked at me
and he hated me, on sight.
And I worked hard
to take care of this dog.
I was kind to him and he
still hated me, which hurt.
That's why it hurt.
'Cause he must've just hated,
like, who I am inside.
He-You could tell how he felt,
'cause he was very expressive.
He was a terrier, you know,
so he had eyebrows.
Like, I'd walk in the room
and he'd go, like,
oh, fuck, I can't.
And he would just leave!
I would take him for a walk
and I had to use a leash
and I didn't want
to use a leash.
I wanted to be one of those
cool guys with a dog
that just comes along,
you know one of those guys.
He's always got, like, a suede
jacket with patches in it.
And, like, scratchy hair,
he's like, hey.
And he gets in his old pickup
and he's like, come on, dog.
He goes, like-
You know those guys that can
whistle that cool whistle?
Whatever.
Whew!
And the dog jumps in the back
and they both get laid somewhere
because they're both so cool.
That's what I wanted.
But my dog, we'd go for a walk
and the leash was, like, taut,
like this, it wasn't even like,
yeah, we're friends.
It was like, how far from
this kid can I get my face?
He would be choking himself
the whole-
"I hate you!
I hate you!"
And if I ever, like, slipped
and dropped the leash, he-
He was like, I'm not your dog.
He would just run.
He would run like a slave,
he would just take off.
That's how he ran.
It's an apt description.
That's how he ran.
He didn't run like a deer.
This is how a deer...
He ran like this.
He ran away so many times
and then we'd get a call
from the pound.
"Hi, we have your dog."
And you could hear my dog
in the background,
like, "Don't-
"Seriously?
I told you I don't wanna..."
I've never been
a big animal person.
Some animals I hate.
Uh, bats, I think bats
are just disgusting.
I hate bats.
I hate-It's a rat
with leather wings.
You ever seen one and
they, like, look around?
It's like, somebody, you know?
They have a face.
It's disgusting.
I hate bats.
And I'm sure there's
a whole thing of-
Oh, did you know that bats
make all the French toast
in the world, or whatever?
I don't care.
I hate them.
I had a bad bat experience.
This summer, I was, uh-
We rented a house this summer,
I got a house for me
and the kids.
My ex wife and I-
We share custody of the kids,
and so this summer, I had half-
One month they go with her,
one month with me,
so I got a nice house
in the country
and it was beautiful,
the kids loved it,
but the kids go to sleep
at, you know, 8:00 at night.
So I'm just laying awake,
terrified.
Terrified.
I'm so scared in the country,
'cause it's just quiet
and it's just mystery.
And trees and darkness.
I live in New York City,
I feel perfectly safe there.
I'm surrounded by murderers
and child molesters and Jews.
Sorry.
I mean, there are,
there are a lot.
There's a bunch of those, but...
So...
So one night, I'm in the country
house and I'm just laying-
just laying awake, just begging
for the fucking sun to come up
so I can sleep through my days
with the kids.
And I'm laying awake and I'm-
My bedroom's
above the kitchen and I-
Suddenly I hear this-
I swear to God, I heard
this sound, I heard...
I heard that,
like, clear as a bell.
And immediately,
my heart is pounding.
I'm like, I'm going to have
a heart attack right now,
because there is a witch
in the kitchen.
First of all, there are witches.
I have no doubt, in that moment,
there's witches.
That's how easy it was
to flip me over.
There are witches.
And there's one in the kitchen,
and I gotta go down there.
I gotta-I can't just, eh,
she'll get-
They like kids,
she'll get the kids.
So I go downstairs,
I'm terr-Terrified.
And I'm standing
outside the kitchen door
like this, for like, an hour.
Too scared to go in, until
a little bit of logic seeped in
and told me, even if
there is a witch in there,
she wouldn't just make a noise
and then just stand there
for, like, an hour.
So I go in, there's
nobody in the kitchen.
And then I hear the noise again,
and it was the dishwasher.
The dishwasher has weird tubes
and when the soap goes
through 'em, it's kind of vocal,
I don't know why, but it goes...
It was the weirdest thing,
to watch my dishwasher do it.
I was like, all right,
it's cool.
I'm fine, there's no witches.
I'm about to go upstairs,
and a-
And a bat, a fucking asshole bat
picked that moment-
He's like, ha ha!
And he just flew right-
right by my head, like this,
and I just-I went, "Aaah!"
And I just fell on the floor.
"Aaah!"
And I immediately,
I crawl into the closet,
I closed the door and
I called 911 right away.
I don't know if you've
ever called 911
and you don't realize
until they answer
how you shouldn't be
calling 911?
"911, tell us your emergency."
"I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry
to be bothering you.
This doesn't qualify."
The lady's like,
"Sir, what's the problem?"
I said, "There's a bat
in my house.
And I don't like it."
But she was nice to me,
'cause it's country 911.
If you call 911
in New York City,
"there's a bat in my house!"
They'll be like, "Sir,
we'll send a car right over
to shoot you in the face."
But she was nice, she's like,
"Sir, we understand,
"you're divorced,
you're overcompensating
"with the country house.
You're in over your head."
She said, call this guy,
she gave me a number,
she said, call this guy, he's
a guy who takes care of bats.
He's a man who's, uh-
bats are his focus.
I felt like she was doing a lot
of work to not say "bat man."
Like she was kind of
going around...
"He's a male human
who bats are his...
I'm not gonna say bat-
I don't wanna say it."
So I called the bat man...
...and he comes over
and I'm in the closet looking
through the crack, at-
The bat is on the ceiling,
hanging upside down,
he's just looking around.
The most disgusting thing.
And so finally, there's
a knock at my door and I go,
I crawl to the door and
I open it and he's like, hello.
And he says, "Where's the bat?"
And I'm like, "Ehhh..."
So the guy walks over
and he just takes the bat.
That's it.
He just took it.
He's like, all right?
Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.
That's amazing.
It's like I called somebody
and said, "Help,
there's a box of tissues
on my table!"
Oh, thank goodness.
What a relief, to have
a man in the house.
Would you like some sweet tea?
I wasn't expecting company.
Ooh, my robe fell open.
He saw my breasts.
Ooh.
What do we do now?
Mr. bat man?
You know, I'm kind of grateful
to that bat now,
now that you're going
to fuck me.
You're not?
Well, all right,
you can go, then.
I can't-
I can't get out of it.
I'm sorry.
I just like to keep doing that
'til the laughter stops.
Fuck, he's really-
This is getting upsetting.
What if I just did that
for, like, 40 minutes?
Well, if you weren't
gonna help me,
then why did you come over?
I'm alone here all day and I
hardly can handle it anymore.
All right, all right.
So...
No, no.
No, don't do that.
Don't do that.
I was, um...
I was in New York one time,
I was on the subway platform
and I saw two rats, uh,
and they were fucking.
And I never saw that before.
I'm like, oh, shit.
There's two rats
fucking right there.
And so I watched 'em, um,
'cause you can watch rats fuck.
It's not a big deal.
You don't have to go, like...
You can really just
totally just watch 'em.
Hmm, I see.
Anyway, I'm watching 'em,
I'm just curious.
I mean, it wasn't...
surprising how they do it.
It's not like she's on top
going, mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mm.
Thank you.
I love it, I love it.
Ooh!
I think this is a Japanese rat
I'm doing, I don't know.
"Ooh, it's so good to fuck you!
Ohh! Come on, Ricky,
do me!"
I don't know, all right.
Anyway, it wasn't
anything like that.
It was a pretty standard
rat fuck.
Just, he's on top,
kinda smushing her
into the pavement
and she's like...
And I'm watching 'em, just-
I mean, I didn't, like,
miss my train.
Just, while I was there.
'Cause I was-
I was curious.
It didn't turn me on,
I was just curious.
'Cause I want to know, what is
it gonna be like when he comes.
That's what I wanted to know.
What is it like
when a rat comes?
Is it, like, uh-
Is it just a biological thing,
just a dispassionate,
kinda just, meh! And then
he just goes home?
Or is it like,
"Yeah, fucking yeah!"
Is it like, "Aww..."
Is it, you know?
Is it ecstasy?
Is it an orgasm?
I told that story
to a friend of mine.
She was like, "Well,
what about the girl rat?
"What about her orgasm?
Why didn't you empower her
and wonder how she comes?"
What, are you crazy?
Girl rats don't come.
There's no way the girl gets
to come when rats fuck.
First of all, he's not
gonna hold out for her.
He's not that kinda dude,
you can tell.
He didn't give a shit.
He's gonna fuck her and leave,
he doesn't even know her name.
He's not sitting there
waiting for her and trying
to think of things to not come,
like giant garbage bags with
no food in them or whatever.
And even if he did,
she's on a subway platform
in front of people.
She's not gonna be able
to get to that place,
that inside place,
that girl rats need
to find their orgasm.
'Cause I know
what girl rats need.
I know how to make
a girl rat come.
I do, you just pick 'em up and
hold 'em upside down and just...
Just to be clear,
what I was doing there...
I just want to make sure
you know.
I spit in her mouth
while I played
with her little asshole.
Don't judge her,
that's what she likes.
I did it for her.
I was watching "The Wizard
of Oz" with my daughters and-
I know that's-
I know that's, uh-
That's a weird couple of stories
to put together.
Fingering a rat's asshole
to orgasm
and watching "The Wizard of Oz"
with my daughters,
but they happened
to have happened
one right after the other.
Most things that I do, I do
right after I made a rat come.
That's what I do at night.
It's my-
It's the only way I try to help.
All right.
So I was...
Let me just tell you this first.
I was, uh, I was at a place to-
eating dinner in New York and
I heard these two women talking
and one of 'em is talking about
the guy she's dating.
They were about 21 years old,
like, NYU students,
and so she's talking about it
and, you know, a lot of times
I'll hear this, a woman talking
about the guy she's dating
and she runs down
the stuff that's not satisfying,
the things she doesn't like.
She's like, "He's just,
you know, I text him
"and he, like, he doesn't,
like, respond right away
"and then, when he does, it's
like, whatever, so that's weird.
"And then, like, I saw him
and he's just being weird.
"And so then he, like, calls me,
he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.
"It's, like, weird, right now.
And I was like, whatever.
And then we had sex.
And it's just weird."
And then I'm listening
'cause I wanted to know,
what is her friend gonna say?
I want to know what kind of
friend she has, you know.
And her friend just says,
"He's a piece of shit.
"He's a piece of shit.
"He's not good enough for you,
'cause you're amazing.
"You're amazing.
So he just can't handle
how amazing you are."
And I remember thinking,
that is a shitty friend.
That's not a good friend.
That is not a good way
to approach life.
"I'm amazing!
"And anybody who doesn't
text me back is just-
can't handle
how amazing I am."
I mean, she's a student.
She can't be-
She's not Nelson Mandela,
she's in college.
She-I'm sure she's fine,
but you're amazing,
the way you... take classes.
What is-
What is so amazing?
She's kinda boring, he's kind of
a douche, so it's fine.
They're fine.
You need to know that
you're boring a little bit.
It's important.
Self love is a good thing,
but self awareness
is more important.
You need to, once in a while go,
oh, I'm kind of an asshole.
You have to have
that thought once in a while,
or you're a psychopath.
You know like when you say
to a friend of yours,
"You're being an asshole"
and they're like, "No, I'm not."
Well, it's not up to you
if you're an asshole or not.
That's up to everybody else.
You don't get to say no to that.
"You're an asshole."
"No, I'm not."
"Oh, sorry, I thought-
Okay, I'm glad I checked.
I guess you're not."
If somebody tells you
you're an asshole,
you should go, "Oh, shit."
All right, what happened,
how did I get here?
It's like somebody saying,
you know,
"You got something
on your face. " "No, I don't."
It's like America-
I feel like America is, like,
the world's worst girlfriend.
America is like
a terrible girlfriend
to the rest of the world,
'cause when somebody
hurts America,
she remembers it forever,
but if she does anything bad,
it's like it- "What?"
"It did-
I didn't do anything."
America, why do you keep
bombing those people in Yemen
and all these-
"Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?
9/11, so shut up, assholes."
Okay, but you killed
hundreds of thousands of people,
so I think you can-
"Yeah, no, but 9/11.
"Fuck you.
You don't even understand."
Yeah, but you're
torturing people.
"I-It wasn't even
torture, oh, my God.
"He's such a baby.
I didn't even do anything
to him."
And...
And I'm saying this about women
'cause I'm a guy.
Women might say this about-
that this is what guys are like.
That's just what it's like,
you know,
because I think racism
and sexism are very different.
To me, racism is just a mistake.
It's like, just an error.
It doesn't really make
any sense,
we can just do away with it,
but sexism isn't going anywhere,
'cause sexism is way deep
the fuck down inside,
so it's just the way
we feel about each other.
It's, "Ahh, women!
"Women! Women!
"Women!
Women! Women!"
And you're like, "Men!
"Men, men! Men!
"Men!
"Men! Men!
Men!"
Anyway, so I'm watching "The
Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.
Is that enough of
a palate cleanser?
All right.
I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"
I don't know if you've seen it,
it's about a little girl
named Dorothy,
a very sweet little girl played
by an alcoholic older lady,
who, uh...
Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,
she's very upset.
And she keeps telling-
"My dog!"
And everybody's like,
This is a farm. We're working.
Leave us alone.
And then there's a tornado
and they all run inside
and they barely look for her.
It's unbelievable.
It was so upsetting to me when
I was a kid to see this movie,
'cause Auntie Em is like,
"Dorothy! Okay, fuck it."
And she just goes right inside.
Bolts the door.
Unbelievable.
So Dorothy goes up to Oz.
So here's the thing, I was
watching it the other night,
and there's this one moment
that really stunned me.
It's when Ray Bolger,
who played the Scarecrow,
he just got ripped apart
by flying monkeys
and he's very upset
and he has this performance
that's way over the top,
even for this movie.
Do you remember that moment?
The Tin Man comes over.
"What happened?"
And he's like,
"Well, first
they tore my arms off
"and they threw them over there!
And then they tore my legs off
and they threw them over there!"
And I've seen this movie
a thousand times,
but for some reason this time,
that moment made me go,
"Oh, shit!"
Ooh!
That was a lot.
And I started to wonder
if Victor Fleming,
the guy who directed
"The Wizard of Oz,"
if he had a moment during
the filming of the movie
where he was, like, I think
I gotta have a word with Ray,
'cause that's getting
to be a lot.
All right, let him-
Just let him do another one.
Okay, action!
"What happened?"
"Well, first they tore
my arms off
"and they threw them over there!
"And then they tore my legs off.
They threw them over there!"
Okay, cut!
Comes over.
Uh...
So listen.
Ray...
Yes?
Eh, you're fine.
You guys have been great,
thanks a lot for coming.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!