[Man Narrating]
Whenever I get gloomy
with the state of the world,
I think about the arrivals gate
at Heathrow Airport.
General opinion's starting to make out
that we live in a world ofhatred and greed,
but I don't see that.
Seems to me that love is everywhere.
Often it's not particularly dignified
or newsworthy, but it's always there.
Fathers and sons, mothers and daughters,
husbands and wives,
boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends.
When the planes hit the Twin Towers,
as far as I know,
none of the phone calls from the people
on board were messages ofhate or revenge.
They were all messages oflove.
If you look for it,
I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find
that love actually...
is all around.
# I feel it in my fingers #
# I feel it in my toes #
# I feel it in my toes, yeah #
- # And so the... #
- I'm afraid you did it again, Bill.
[Sighs]
It's just I know the old version
so well, you know.
Well, we all do.
- That's why we're making
the new version.
- Right, okay, let's go.
# I feel it in my fingers #
# In my fingers #
# I feel it in my toes #
# Love is all... #
Oh, fuck!
Wank, bugger, shitting,
arsehead and hole!
[Inhales Sharply]
Start again.
# I feel it in my toes #
# Christmas is all around me #
# So my feeling grows #
# It's everywhere I go #
# Everywhere I go #
- # So if you really love Christmas #
- # Love Christmas #
# Come on and let it snow #
- # Come on and let it snow #
- This is shit, isn't it?
Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.
God, I'm so late.
It's just round the corner.
You'll make it.
Are you sure... you don't mind
me going without you?
No, really.
I'm just feeling so rotten.
I love you.
I know.
I love you even when you're sick
and look disgusting.
I know. Now go,
or you will actually miss it.
Right.
- Did I mention that I love you?
- Yes, you did.
Get out, loser.
Karen, it's me again.
I'm sorry, l... I literally don't have
anybody else to talk to.
Absolutely. Horrible moment
right now, though. Can I call you back?
- Of course.
- Doesn't mean I'm not terribly concerned
that your wife just died.
Understood.
Uh, bugger off and call me later.
- So what's this big news, then?
- We've been given our parts
in the nativity play.
[Gasps]
And I'm the lobster.
The lobster?
Yeah.
In the nativity play?
Yeah.
First lobster.
There was more than one lobster present
at the birth ofJesus?
Duh.
Best sandwiches in Britain.
Try my lovely nuts?
Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady.
Morning, my future wife.
[Man]
Okay, you can stop there? Thanks.
Dave, I'm gonna need a couple
of orange gels please, mate.
By the way, he introduced me as John,
but actually everyone calls meJack.
Oh, fine.
Nice to meet you, Jack.
He got me right, though.
I'm justJudy.
Oh, great, JustJudy.
[Giggles]
No surprises?
No surprises.
Not like the stag night?
Unlike the stag night.
Do you admit the Brazilian
prostitutes were a mistake?
I do.
And it would have been much better
if they'd not turned out to be men?
That is true.
Good luck, kiddo.
[Crowd Cheering]
[Man]
Prime Minister, over here.!
Thank you.
Welcome, Prime Minister.
[Moans]
I must work on my wave.
How are you?
How are you feeling?
Um, cool, powerful.
Would you like to meet
your household staff?
Yes, I would like that very much indeed.
Anything to put off
actually running the country.
This is Terence.
He's in charge.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
I had an uncle called Terence once.
Hated him.
I think he was a pervert.
But I very much like the look of you.
[Chuckles]
This is Pat.
Hello, Pat.
Good morning, sir.
I'm the housekeeper.
Oh, right. Well, should be
a lot easier with me
than with the last lot.
No nappies, no teenagers,
no scary wife.
And this is Natalie.
She's new, like you.
Hello, Natalie.
Hello, David.
I mean, sir. Shit, I can't believe
I've just said that.
[Chuckles]
And now I've gone
and said "shit." Twice.
I'm so sorry, sir.
It's fine, it's fine.
You could have said "fuck" and
then we'd have been in real trouble.
Thank you, sir.
I did have an awful premonition
I was gonna fuck up on my first day.
Oh, piss it.
Right. I'll go get my things.
And then let's fix the country,
shall we?
Yeah, I can't see why not.
It's all right.
Did you see what I did?
Yes, I did.
Just went blah.
Hello there.
Yes, and I'm in here.
Okay, good. Thank you.
[Sighs]
Oh, no.
That is so inconvenient.
[Man]
In the presence of God,
Peter and Juliet have
given their consent...
and made their marriage vows
to each other.
They have declared their marriage
by the giving and receiving of rings.
I therefore proclaim
that they are husband and wife.
And you resisted the temptation
for surprises?
Yeah, I'm mature now.
- # Love, love, love #
- Did you do this?
Uh, no.
# [Organ]
# There's nothing you can do
that can't be done #
Oh, it's...
# There's nothing you can say
but you can learn how to play the game #
# It's easy #
# All you need is love #
Hello. What the hell
are you doing here?
Oh, I just, uh, popped over
to borrow some old CDs.
- The lady of the house let you in, did she?
- Uh, yeah.
- Lovely, obliging girl.
- Yeah.
I just thought I'd pop back before
the reception, see if she's better.
This is good.
- Oh.
- Listen, um, I've been thinking.
I think perhaps
we ought to take Mum out
for her birthday on Friday.
What do you think?
I just feel we've been bad sons this year.
Okay.
Sounds fine.
A bit, you know, boring, but fine.
Hurry up, big boy.
I'm naked and I want you at least twice
beforeJamie gets home.
[Whimpers]
[Girl]
I am so happy to see you guys.
Delicious delicacy?
Uh, no, thanks.
Taste explosion?
Food?
No, thanks.
Yeah, a bit dodgy, isn't it?
Looks like a dead baby's finger.
Eew.
Oh, yeah, tastes like it too.
I'm Colin, by the way.
I'm Nancy.
Wicked.
And what do you do, Nancy?
I'm a cook.
Ever do weddings?
Yes, I do.
They should have asked you
to do this one.
They did.
God, I wish you hadn't
have turned it down.
I didn't.
[Nervous Laugh]
Right.
I have just worked out
why I can never find true love.
Why's that?
English girls.
They're stuck up, you see.
And I am primarily attractive to girls
who are, you know, cooler,
game for a laugh.
Like American girls.
So I should just go to America.
I would get a girlfriend there instantly.
What do you think?
I think it's crap, Colin.
No, that's where you're wrong.
American girls would seriously dig me
with my cute British accent.
- You don't have a cute British accent.
- Yes, I do!
I'm going to America.
Colin.
You're a lonely, ugly arsehole
and you must accept it.
Never. I am Colin, God of Sex.
I'm just on the wrong continent,
that's all.
A bit of quiet while
we finish the lighting, guys.
I tell you, I thought I was
never gonna make it here today.
The traffic was just...
Oh, unbelievable.
Judy, um, could you take
the top off this time?
Lighting and camera need to know
when we're actually gonna see
the, um, nipples and when we're not.
Yes, okay. Right.
Well, at least
it's nice and warm in here.
It's not always the case, is it?
I was standing in
for Brad Pitt once on, you know,
Seven Years In Tibet.
Yes, yeah.
Bloody freezing, right...
Yeah, sorry, guys. Time's pretty tight
and we have to get the actors in.
Fine.
I promise I won't look.
[Man Over P.A.] Right, let's have
another look at that then, please.
Okay.
And Jerry says if you could just
put your hands on her breasts.
Oh, right, okay, yeah.
Is that all right?
Yes. Yeah, fine.
I'll warm 'em up.
Right.
And massage them, please.
Right.
It's Junction 13
that's just murder, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Total gridlock this morning.
Jo and I had a lot of time
to prepare for this moment.
Some of her, uh, requests,
uh, for instance,
that I should bring Claudia Schiffer
as my date to the funeral...
I was confident
she expected me to ignore.
But others she was
pretty damn clear about.
When she first mentioned
what's about to happen,
I said, "Over my dead body."
And she said,
"No, Daniel, over mine."
And, uh, as usual, my darling girl...
and Sam's darling mum, was right.
So she's going to say her final farewell
to you, not through me,
but inevitably...
ever so coolly...
through the immortal genius
of the Bay City Rollers.
Do you love him?
Uh, what?
No, I just thought I'd ask the blunt question
in case it was the right one and
you needed someone to talk to about it.
And no one had ever asked you,
so you'd never been able to talk about it
even though you might have wanted to.
No, no. No is the answer.
Absolutely not.
So, that's a no then?
Yes.
Um...
This D.J., what do you reckon?
The worst in history?
Probably. I think it all hangs
on the next song.
Now here's one for the lovers.
That's quite a few of you.
I shouldn't be surprised and a half.
He's done it. It's official.
Worst D.J. In the world.
Sarah is waiting for you.
Oh, yes, of course. Um...
Great. Uh, good, good.
How are you doing, Mia?
Are you settling in fine,
learning who to avoid?
Absolutely.
Harry?
Sarah, switch off your phone...
and, um, tell me exactly how long it is
that you've been working here.
Um...
Two years, seven months,
three days and, I suppose,
what, two hours?
And how long have you
been in love with Karl,
our enigmatic chief designer?
[Nervous Chuckle]
Um...
Two years, seven months,
three days and, I suppose,
an hour and 30 minutes.
Thought as much.
Do you think everybody knows?
Yes.
Do you think Karl knows?
Yes.
Oh, that is... that is bad news.
Well, I just thought that maybe the time
had come to do something about it.
Like what?
Invite him out for a drink,
and then after about 20 minutes,
casually drop into the conversation
the fact that you'd like to marry him
and have lots of sex and babies.
You know that?
Yes.
And so does Karl.
Think about it, for all our sakes.
It's Christmas.
Certainly. Excellent.
Will do.
Thanks, boss.
Hi, Sarah.
Hi, Karl.
Excuse me.
[Man Over Radio]
# Come on and let it show #
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Babe.
Absolutely. Fire away.
Mia? Mia, could you
turn that down?
What is that?
And that was the Christmas effort
by the once-great Billy Mack.
Oh, dear me,
how are the mighty fallen.
I could safely put my hand up my arse
and say that is the worst record
I've heard this century.
Oh, and coincidentally,
I believe Billy will be...
a guest on my friend Mike's show
in a few minutes'time.
Welcome back, Bill.
So, Billy, welcome back to the airwaves.
New Christmas single,
cover of"Love Is All Around."
Except we've changed the word
"love" to "Christmas."
Yes. Uh, is that
an important message to you, Bill?
Not really, Mike.
Christmas is a time for people
with someone they love in their lives.
- And that's not you?
- That's not me, Michael.
When I was young and successful,
I was greedy and foolish.
And now I'm left with no one,
wrinkled and alone.
Wow. Um, thanks for that, Bill.
- For what?
- Well, for actually giving
a real answer to a question.
Doesn't often happen here
at Radio Watford, I can tell you.
- Ask me anything you like,
I'll tell you the truth.
- Uh, best shag you ever had?
- Britney Spears.
- Wow.
No, only kidding.
She was rubbish.
Okay. Um, here's one.
How do you think...
the new record compares
to your old classic stuff?
Oh, come on, Mikey.
You know as well as I do the record's crap.
[Chuckling]
But wouldn't it be great
if number one this Christmas
wasn't some smug teenager,
but an old ex-heroin addict
searching for a comeback at any price?
All those young popsters,
come Christmas Day,
they'll be stretched out naked
with a cute bird balancing on their balls.
And I'll be stuck in some dingy flat
with me manager, Joe,
ugliest man in the world.
Fucking miserable because
our fucking gamble didn't pay off.
So if you believe in Father Christmas,
children, like your Uncle Billy does,
buy my festering turd of a record.
And particularly enjoy
the incredible crassness of the moment...
when we try to squeeze
an extra syllable into the fourth line.
"Come on and let it snow." Ouch!
So, uh, here it is one more time.
The dark horse for this year's
Christmas number one,
"Christmas Is All Around."
Is the new Prime Minister
in trouble already?
Okay, what's next?
The president's visit.
Ah, yes, yes.
I fear this is going to be
a difficult one to play.
Alex?
There's a very strong
feeling in the party...
we mustn't allow ourselves
to be bullied from pillar to post
like the last government.
Hear. Hear.
This is our first
really important test.
Let's take a stand.
Right.
Right. I understand that,
but I have decided... not to.
Not this time.
We will, of course, try to be clever,
but let's not forget that America
is the most powerful country in the world.
I'm not gonna act like a petulant child.
Who do you have to screw round here
to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?
[All Chuckling]
Right.
[Knocking]
Yeah, come in.
These have just come
through from the Treasury.
- Uh-huh.
- And these are for you.
- Excellent. Thanks a lot.
- I was hoping you'd win.
Not that I wouldn't have been nice to
the other bloke too. Just always given him
the boring biscuits with no chocolate.
Thanks very much.
Thanks, Natalie.
Oh God. Come on. Get a grip.
You're the prime minister,
for God's sake.
[Man]
Raise the lamp a bit.
So, what do you reckon
to our new prime minister, then?
Oh, I like him.
I can't understand why
he's not married, though.
Well, you know the type.
He's, uh, married to his job.
Either that or gay
as a picnic basket.
[Chuckles]
Um, excuse me.
Judy, if you could just
lower the nipples and
cheat them a bit to the left.
Okay.
You know, I have to say, Judy,
this is a real pleasure.
It's lovely to find someone
I can actually chat to.
Thank you.
Uh, well, you know.
And ditto.
Thank you.
- And the move again, please, Judy.
- Oh.
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Are you all right?
Yeah, fine.
Exciting news.
What?
I've bought a ticket to the States.
I'm off in three weeks.
No!
Yes! To a fantastic place
called Wisconsin.
No!
Yes! Wisconsin babes.
[Honking Horn]
Here comes Sir Colin!
No, Col.
There are a few babes
in America, I grant you,
but they're already going out
with rich, attractive guys.
Now, Tone, you're just jealous.
You know perfectly well
that any bar anywhere in America...
contains ten girls more beautiful...
and more likely to have sex with me
than the whole of the United Kingdom.
That is total bollocks.
You've actually gone mad now.
No, I'm wise.
Stateside, I am Prince William
without the weird family.
No, Colin, no!
Yes!
Nyet.!
Da.!
Nein.!
Ja, darling.
Right, the Christmas party.
Not my favorite night of the year...
and your unhappy job to organize.
Tell me.
Well, it's basic, really.
Find a venue, over order on the drinks,
bulk buy the guacamole...
and advise the girls to avoid Kevin
if they want their breasts un-fondled.
Wives and family and stuff?
Yes. I mean, not children,
but their wives and girlfriends,
et cetera.
Oh, Christ, you haven't got
some horrible six-foot,
tight-T-shirt-wearing boyfriend
you'll be bringing, have you?
No.
I'll just be hanging around
the mistletoe... hoping to be kissed.
Really?
Right.
He now spends
all the time in his room.
I mean, he'll be up there now.
There's nothing unusual about that.
My horrid son...
Bernard?
Bernard stays in his room all the time.
Thank goodness.
Yeah, but, Karen,
this is all the time.
I'm afraid that there's
something really wrong, you know?
I mean, clearly it's about his mum,
but Christ, he...
he might be injecting heroin
into his eyeballs for all I know.
At the age of 11?
Well, maybe not his eyeballs, then.
Maybejust his veins.
You see, the problem is, it was his mum
who always used to talk to him,
you know and...
I don't know,
the whole stepfather thing...
seems suddenly to somehow
matter like it never did before.
Listen, it was always going to be
a totally shit time.
Just be patient.
And maybe check the room for needles.
And then when
he sometimes does come out,
it's obvious he's been crying.
[Sobs]
It's just such a ridiculous waste.
And then if it's going
to ruin Sam's life as well...
I just don't know.
Get a grip.
People hate sissies.
No one's ever gonna shag you
if you cry all the time.
Yeah, absolutely.
Helpful.
So,
what's the problem, Samuel?
Is it just Mum,
or is it something else, huh?
Maybe... school?
Are you being bullied?
Or is it something worse?
Can you give me any clues at all?
You really want to know?
I really want to know.
Even though you won't
be able to do anything to help?
Even if that's the case, yeah.
Okay. Well,
the truth is,
actually, I'm in love.
Sorry?
I know I should be thinking
about Mum all the time, and I am,
but the truth is I'm in love,
and I was before she died, and
there's nothing I can do about it.
Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
No.
Oh, well, okay, right.
Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Why?
Well, because I thought
it would be something worse.
Worse than the total agony
of being in love?
Um...
No, you're right.
Yeah, total agony.
- Night, Sarah.
- Night, Karl.
[Door Opening]
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Yeah? Absolutely.
Free as a bird. Fire away.
Alone again.
Naturally.
I'll deal with it in the morning.
Right.
Ah, Natalie.
Sir.
Thanks.
Natalie.
Um, I'm starting to feel...
uncomfortable about us working
in such close proximity every day...
and me knowing so little about you.
It seems, uh...
It seems elitist and wrong.
Well, there's not much to know.
Well, um, where do you live,
for instance?
Wandsworth. The dodgy end.
Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth.
Oh.
Yeah.
So which exactly is the "dodgy end"?
Right at the end of the high street.
Harris Street. Near the Queen's Head.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy.
- [Chuckles]
Um, and, uh, you live
with your husband... uh, boyfriend...
three illegitimate
but charming children?
No, I've, um, just split up
with my boyfriend actually,
so I'm back
with my mum and dad for a while.
Ah. Sorry.
No, it's fine.
I'm well shot of him.
- He said I was getting fat.
- I beg your pardon?
He said no one's gonna fancy a girl
with thighs the size ofbig tree trunks.
Not a nice guy, actually,
in the end.
Ah.
You know, um,
being prime minister,
I could just have him murdered.
[Chuckles]
Thank you, sir.
I'll think about it.
Do. The S.A.S.
Are absolutely charming.
Ruthless trained killers
are just a phone call away.
Oh, God.
You have this kind of problem?
Yeah, course you did,
you saucy minx.
So, let's go.
We can definitely crack this.
Remember, I was a kid once too.
So come on.
It's someone at school.
Right?
Yeah.
Uh-huh, good, good.
And what does she...
he... feel about you?
She doesn't even know my name.
And even if she did,
she'd despise me.
She's the coolest girl in school,
and everyone worships her
because she's heaven.
Good. Good.
Well,
basically you're fucked, aren't you?
Hi there, and welcome back.
So, Billy, three weeks till Christmas.
Looks like the real competition
is gonna be Blue.
Yeah. I saw them
on the show last week.
They weren't very nice about my record.
No, little scamps.
But very, very talented musicians.
Yeah. Uh, Billy,
I understand you've got a prize
for our competition winners.
Yes, I have, Ant or Dec.
It's a personalized felt-tip pen.
Oh, great.
It's brilliant.
It even writes on glass.
So if you've got a framed
picture like, for instance,
this one of Blue,
you can just write on it.
- [Dec] Uh, a lot ofkids watching, Billy.
- [Billy] Oh, yeah.
Hiya, kids.
Here's an important message
from your Uncle Bill.
Don't buy drugs.
Become a pop star,
and they give you them for free.
And I do believe, uh,
it's a commercial break, thank goodness.
We'll see you soon. Bye-bye.
Oh, look at him. Eew!
Just a minute.
Actually, they're not funny.
They're art.
[Laughing]
Okay, let's say, uh, Thursday,
my place?
[Peter] Great.
But for now, I've gotJuliet on the other line.
Can I patch you through?
She wants to ask you a favor.
Okay, fine.
Thanks and, uh, be nice.
I'm... I'm always nice.
You know what I mean, Marky.
Be friendly.
I'm always...
[Juliet]
Mark?
Hi. How was the honeymoon?
Oh, it was great.
And thanks for the gorgeous send-off.
So, what can I do for you?
It's only a tiny favor.
I've just tried the wedding video
and it's a complete disaster.
It's come out all blue and wibbly.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And I remember you filming a lot
in the day, and I just wondered
if I could look at your stuff.
Oh, no. Look, to be honest,
I didn't really, you know...
Please?
All I want is just one shot of me
in a wedding dress
that isn't bright turquoise.
Okay, I'll have a look, but to be honest,
I'm pretty sure I wiped it.
So don't get any hopes up.
Must go.
[Line Disconnects]
Any progress
with our matchmaking plans?
No. I've done fuck all and never will
because he's too good for me.
How true.
Ouch.
Stop.
[Ringing]
And, of course, your mobile goes.
Hello, hi. How are you doing?
So, how's
the Christmas party going?
Good. I think I've found a venue.
Friend of mine works there.
- What's it like?
- Good, good.
It's an art gallery.
Full of dark corners
for doing dark deeds.
[Chuckles]
Right. Good.
Well, I suppose I should
take a look at it or something.
You should.
[Typewriter Keys Clacking]
[Bell Jingling]
Ah, bonjour, Eleonore.
Bonjour, Monsieur Bennett.
Welcome back.
And this year you bring a lady guest?
Uh, no, there's a change of situation.
It's just me.
Oh. Am I sad or not sad?
Well, I think you're not surprised.
And you stay here till Christmas?
Yeah, yeah.
Good.
Well, I find you a perfect lady
to clean the house.
This is Aurelia.
Ah.
Uh, bonjour, Aurelia.
Bonjour.
[Speaking Broken French]
Uh, unfortunately she cannot
speak French, just like you.
- She's Portuguese.
- Ah, ah.
Bon giorno. Eusebio.
Uh, uh, molto bueno.
I think she's ten years too young
to remember there was a footballer
called Eusebio.
And the "molto bueno" is Spanish.
Right, right. Uh, well, anyways,
it's nice to meet you. And...
Perhaps you can drive her home
at the end of her work.
Oh, absolutely.
"Con grande, uh, presoro."
Which is what? Turkish?
Bello.
Uh, bella.
Uh, montagna. "Arvarez."
No, right.
Silence is golden.
As the Tremeloes said.
Clever guys.
Although I think the original
version was by, uh, Frankie Valli
and the Four Seasons.
Great... Great... Great band.
# [Humming]
Oh, shut up.
[Reporters Clamoring]
Mr. President, welcome.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Come on through.
I'm sorry your wife
couldn't make it, by the way.
Oh, so is she.
Although she would have been
kind of lonely, I'm sure.
Yes. Pathetic, isn't it?
Just, uh, never been able
to tie a girl down.
I'm not sure that politics
and dating really go together.
Really?
I've never found that.
Well, difference is you're still
sickeningly handsome, whereas I look
increasingly like my Aunt Mildred.
I'm very jealous of your plane,
by the way.
Thank you.
We love that thing, I'll tell you.
Ah, Natalie. Hi.
Morning, ma'am.
How's your day so far?
[Chuckles]
Excellent.
[Sighs]
My goodness, that's a pretty little
son of a bitch right there.
Did you see those pipes?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, she's terrific... at her job.
No, absolutely not.
We cannot and will not
consult on that either.
- That is unexpected.
- Well, it shouldn't be.
The last administration
made it perfectly clear.
We're just being consistent
with their policies.
Well, with all respect, sir,
they were bad policies.
Right, thanks, Alex.
I don't think we're making progress here.
Let's, um, move on, shall we?
Well, now, that was,
uh, an interesting day.
Sorry if our line was firm,
but there's no point in tiptoeing
around today...
and then just disappointing you
for four years.
I mean, I have plans
and I plan to see them through.
Absolutely.
Now, there is one final thing
I think we should look at.
It's very close to my heart.
If you just give me a second.
I'll give you anything you ask for,
as long as it's not something
I don't wanna give.
Hi.
Pathetic!
It's great scotch.
[Natalie]
I'll, um...
I'll be going then.
Uh, Natalie.
I hope to see much more of you
as our two great countries
work toward a better future.
Thank you, sir.
[Camera Shutters Clicking]
Uh, yes, Peter.
Mr. President, uh,
has it been a good visit?
Very satisfactory indeed.
We, uh, got what we came for,
and our special relationship
is still very special.
And Prime Minister?
I love that word "relationship."
Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?
I fear that this has become
a bad relationship.
A relationship based on the president
taking exactly what he wants...
and casually ignoring all those things...
that really matter to, um,
Britain.
We may be a small country,
but we're a great one too.
The country of Shakespeare,
Churchill, the Beatles,
Sean Connery, Harry Potter,
[Chuckling]
David Beckham's right foot.
David Beckham's left foot,
come to that.
And a friend who bullies us...
is no longer a friend.
And since bullies
only respond to strength,
from now onward I will be prepared
to be much stronger.
And the president
should be prepared for that.
[Reporters Clamoring]
Mr. President. Mr. President.
Joe.
It's your sister on line four.
All right.
Uh, yes, I'm very busy and important.
How can I help you?
Have you gone completely insane?
Well, you can't be sensible
all the time.
You can if you're prime minister.
- Oh, dear, it's the Chancellor
of the Exchequer on the other line.
- No, it isn't.
I'll call you back.
No, you won't. You're...
The trouble with being
the prime minister's sister is it does put
your life into rather harsh perspective.
What did my brother do today?
He stood up and fought for his country.
And what did I do?
What is this we're listening to?
Joni Mitchell.
I can't believe you still listen
toJoni Mitchell.
I love her,
and true love lasts a lifetime.
Joni Mitchell is the woman
who taught your cold English wife
how to feel.
Did she? Oh, well, that's good.
I must write to her sometime
and say thanks.
Now, which doll shall
we give Daisy's little friend Emily?
The one that looks like a transvestite
or the one that looks like a dominatrix?
[Woman Over Radio]
It's almost enough
to make you feel patriotic.
So here's one for our arse-kicking
prime minister. I think he'll enjoy this.
A golden oldie for a golden oldie.
Can we move theJapanese ambassador
to 4:00 tomorrow?
- Certainly, sir.
- Terrific. Thanks so much.
Um, would you like the last, uh...
No?
That's all right. More for me.
I'm very lucky. I've got one of those
constitutions where I never put on weight.
[Phone Ringing]
Oh.
Hello?
[Ringing Continues]
Oop. Sorry.
Hello?
Thank you.
Ah, no!
- [Speaking Portuguese]
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, God, it's half the book.
Oh, no. Just...Just leave them.!
Please.! They're not important.!
They're not worth it.!
Uh, stop.
Stop.
[Shudders]
It's all just rubbish!
Just leave it.
- Oh, God, she's in.
- [Gasps]
Right, and now she'll think
I'm a total spaz if I don't go in too.
Fuck! It's freezing! Fuck!
It's not worth it, you know.
This isn't bloody Shakespeare.
Just stop, stop.
I really must do copies.
You know, there'd better not be eels
in here. I can't stand eels.
Oh, God! What the hell is that?
[Panting, Chuckles]
[Chuckles]
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I know. I'll name one
of the characters after you.
Or, um...
[Laughing]
Or, um, uh, romance?
Ah-ah! Ah, yes, it's, um, uh...
[Imitating Knife Slicing]
Yes, uh, s, crime.
Crime. Uh, murder, you know.
Uh, scary?
Uh, yes, sometimes scary.
And, uh, sometimes not.
Mainly scary
how bad the writing is.
Ah.
Uh, sure, sure.
It's my favorite time of day...
driving you.
Oh.
[Woman On Radio]
And coming up later
this morning, it's this guy.
Do not switch off.
[TVShuts Off]
Banoffee pie?
No, thanks.
Thank God.
You would have broken my heart
if you'd said yes.
Oh, right. Well, lucky you.
Can I come in?
Uh, yeah, well,
I'm a bit busy, but...
Well, I was just passing and I thought
we might check that video thing out.
I thought I might be able to swap it
for some pie or maybe Munchies?
Actually, I was being serious.
I don't know where it is.
I'll have a poke around tonight...
Mark, can I say something?
Yeah.
I know you're Peter's best friend.
And...
I know you've never
particularly warmed to me.
Look, don't... don't argue.
We've never got friendly, but I just
wanted to say I hope that can change.
I'm nice. I really am,
apart from my terrible taste in pie.
And...
it would be great
if we could be friends.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Great.
Doesn't mean we'll be able
to find the video, though.
I had a real search when you first called
and couldn't find any trace of it, so...
Well, there's one here that says
"Peter and Juliet's wedding."
Do you think we might
be on the right track?
Oh, yeah, well...
Wow. That... That could be it.
- Do you mind if I just...
- I've probably taped over it.
Almost everything has episodes
of West Wing on it now.
Oh.
Oh, bingo.
That's lovely.
[Laughs]
Well done, you.
Oh, that's gorgeous.
Thank you so much, Mark.
This is exactly what I was hoping for.
I look quite pretty.
You've stayed rather close,
haven't you?
They're all of me.
[Mark]
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes.
But...
you never talk to me.
You always talk to Peter.
You don't like me.
I hope it's useful.
Don't show it around too much.
It needs a bit of editing.
Look, I've gotta get to a lunch.
Early lunch.
You can just show yourself out,
can't you?
It's a... self-preservation thing,
you see.
[Knocking]
Yeah.
Annie, my darling,
my dream, my boat.
Uh, need you to do a favor for me.
Of course.
Anything for the hero of the hour.
Don't ask me why,
and for heaven's sake,
don't read stuff into this.
It's just a weird personality thing.
But, um, you know Natalie
who works here?
- The chubby girl?
- Oooh, would we call her chubby?
I think there's a pretty
sizable arse there, yes, sir.
Huge thighs.
Yeah. Well, whatever. Um...
I'm sure she's a lovely girl,
but I wonder if you could, um,
redistribute her.
It's done.
Hey, Sammo. Can't sleep?
I got some terrible news today.
Let's have it.
Joanna's going back to America.
- Your girl's American?
- Yes, she's American.
And she's not my girl.
And she's going back to America.
That's the end of my life as I know it.
That is bad news.
Well, we need Kate
and we need Leo,
and we need them now.
Come on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Keep your eyes closed.
[Chuckles]
Do you trust me?
I trust you.
Do you trust me?
I trust you.
Fool!
Get off, you big bully.
All right. Open your eyes.
Well, you know, Sammy, I'm sure
she's unique and extraordinary, but...
general wisdom is that, in the end,
there isn't just one person for each of us.
There was for Kate and Leo.
There was for you.
And there is for me.
She's the one.
Fair enough.
And her name's Joanna?
Yeah, I know. Same as Mum.
[Knocking]
Yeah.
Prime Minister.
Thank you very much.
Oh, appolo... apologia.
"Grandi..." Uh, grande familio.
Grande "predistione..."
The Christmas presents.
Stupido.
Well, good-bye.
Um, it was, um...
[Horn Honking]
[Crash]
# You know, I love Christmas #
# My mind's made up #
# There's no beginning
There'll be no end #
# You can depend #
Daniel!
- I have a plan.
- Thank the Lord! Tell me.
Well, girls love musicians,
don't they?
Uh-huh.
Even the really weird ones
get girlfriends.
That's right.
Meat Loaf definitely
got laid at least once.
For God's sake,
Ringo Starr married a Bond girl.
Whatever. There's this
big concert at the end
of term, and Joanna's in it.
And I thought maybe
if I was in the band
and played absolutely superbly...
there's a chance that she might
actually fall in love with me.
- What do you think?
- I think it's brilliant.
I think it's stellar,
apart from the one obvious,
tiny, little-baby, little hiccup.
- That I don't play a musical instrument?
- Yes, sir.
A tiny, insignificant detail.
[Drum Continually Banging]
Anyway, I suppose I'd better go
and do the duty round.
You're a saint.
[Chuckles]
Any chance of a dance with the boss?
Yeah, sure, sure.
As long as your boyfriend
doesn't mind.
Not my boyfriend.
You're looking very pretty tonight.
It's for you.
Sorry?
[Whispering]
It's all for you, sir.
This must be a very exciting
moment for you, fighting for
the Christmas number one.
How's it looking so far?
Very bad indeed.
Blue are outselling me five to one,
but I'm hoping for a late surge.
And if I reach number one,
I promise to sing a song...
stark naked on TV
on Christmas Eve.
[Audience Laughing]
- Do you mean that?
- Well, of course I mean it, Michael.
- Do you want a preview, you old flirt?
- [Laughing]
That'll never make number one.
[No Audible Dialogue]
I suppose it's his job to dance
with everyone, isn't it?
Some more than others.
Just one dance...
before we run out of chances.
Who, me?
Unless you, you just...
No, no.
Good. Yes.
Thanks.
Well, I... I'd better go.
Okay.
Good night.
Good night.
Actually, I don't have to go.
Right. Good.
I-I mean...
No, no.
That's... That's good.
That's good.
Just, um... Would you
ex-excuse me for one second?
Sure.
Just one... one second.
Um, okay. That's done.
Um...
[Nervous Laugh]
Why don't you come upstairs
in about 10 seconds?
Ten seconds?
Ten seconds.
#[Guitar, Slow]
#For you #
# There'll be no crying #
# For you #
# The sun will be shining #
# 'Cause I feel that
when I'm with you #
# It's all right #
Just tug it.
Okay.
# I know it's right #
# And the songbirds keep singing #
# Like they know the score #
# And I love you
I love you, I love you #
You're beautiful.
# Like never before #
[Cell Phone Ringing]
I... I'd... I'd better
answer that.
Hello?
Hi. Hello, darling.
No, no, I'm not busy.
No, fire away.
Right.
Yes, I... I... I...
I'm not quite sure...
it's gonna be possible
to get the Pope
on the phone tonight, but...
Yes. Yes, I-I'm... I'm sure...
he's-he's very good
at exorcism, but...
Well, I'm-I'm sure...
Jon Bon Jovi is as well,
and I'll definitely look into it.
Okay? Okay,
I'll-I'll talk to you later.
All right. Bye-bye.
Sorry about that.
No, it's... it's fine.
It's my brother.
He's... He's not well.
He calls a lot.
I'm sorry.
No, it's fine.
It's fine. I mean,
it's-it's not really... fine.
It is what it is, and...
Sort of there being no parents now,
and us being over here,
it's my job to keep an eye on him.
I mean, not my job.
Obviously I'm-I'm glad to do it.
That's okay.
I mean, life is full
of interruptions and complications.
So...
[Cell Phone Ringing]
Will it make him better?
No.
Then maybe...
don't answer?
[Ringing Continues]
Hey. How you doin'? Mm.
Right, right.
Oh, no. Oh, please. Oh, please.
Please, please don't, little darling.
L... Between the two of us,
we'll find the answer,
and it won't hurt anymore.
No, no.
No, I'm-I'm-I'm... I'm not busy.
Of course, if you want me
to come over, I will.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
That was a good night,
except I felt fat.
Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, it's true.
Nowadays, the only clothes
I can get into...
were once owned
by Pavarotti.
I always think Pavarotti
dresses very well.
[Chuckles]
Mia's very pretty.
Is she?
You know she is, darling.
Be careful there.
Have you been watching
stuff on TV?
Yeah.
Every night.
Oh, good.
And every day.
The nurses are trying to kill me.
Nobody's trying
to kill you, babe.
Thank you.
Don't do that, my darling.
Thank you.
Don't do that.
Right. Back at 3:00.
Christmas shopping...
never an easy or a pleasant task.
Are you gonna get me something?
Uh...
I don't know. I hadn't thought.
Where's Sarah, by the way?
She couldn't make it in today.
Family thing.
There's a word for "hangover"
I've never heard before.
- See you later.
- Yes. Looking forward to it.
[Softly]
A lot.
So, are you gonna
give me something?
I thought I made it clear
last night.
When it comes to me,
you can have everything.
So, um,
what do you need?
Something along
the stationery line?
Are you short of staplers?
No. I don't want
something I need.
I want something I want.
Something pretty.
Right.
Right.
Sorry I'm late.
Had to drop off Bernie at rehearsal.
Right. Well, listen,
you keep yourself occupied
for 10 minutes...
while I go and do the boring stuff
for our mothers.
How about this one?
Perhaps I'll think about it.
Thank you.
Looking for anything
in particular, sir?
Yes, um... That necklace there.
How much is it?
It's 270.
Um, all right.
Uh, I'll have it.
Lovely.
Would you like it...
gift-wrapped?
- Uh, yes. All right.
- Lovely.
Let me just
pop it in the box.
There.
Look, could we be quite quick?
Certainly, sir. Ready in
the flashiest of flashes.
- There.
- That's great.
Not quite finished.
Look, actually,
l-I don't need a bag.
I'll just put it in my pocket.
- Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.
- Really?
This is so much more
than a bag.
Ooh!
Could we be
quite quick, please?
Prontissimo.
- What's that?
- It's a cinnamon stick, sir.
- Actually, I really, uh, can't wait.
- Oh, you won't regret it, sir.
Wanna bet?
'Tis but the work of a moment.
There we go.
Almost finished.
"Almost finished"?
What else can there be?
Are you gonna dip it in yogurt?
Cover it with chocolate buttons?
Oh, no, sir.
We're going to pop it
in the Christmas box.
- But I don't want a Christmas box.
- But you said you wanted it gift-wrapped.
- I did, but...
- This is the final flourish.
- Can I just pay?
- All we need now...
- Oh, God!
- Is a sprig of holly.
- No. No. No. No. No bloody holly.
- But, sir, the...
Leave it, leave it, just leave it.
Ooh!
Loitering around
the jewelry section, I see.
No.
- I was just looking around.
- Don't worry. My expectations
are not that high...
after thirteen years of Mr.
"Oh, But You Always Love Scarves."
Actually, I do love this one.
#[Man Singing, Indistinct]
Hey!
What are you doing here?
Had to rent out my flat
to pay for my ticket.
You're not actually
going ahead with this
genuinely stupid plan?
Yeah, I bloody am.
You think this backpack
is full of clothes?
Like hell it is.
It is chockablock full
of condoms.
Excellent, excellent.
Perfect. Keep that going.
[Clears Throat]
Look, um,
sorry to be, uh, a bit forward
and all that, but, uh,
you don't fancy going
for a Christmas drink, do you?
I mean, nothing... you know,
nothing implied at all.
Just, um, maybe sort of go
and see something Christmas-y
or-or-or-or something?
Uh, obviously, if you don't
want to, you don't have to.
I was just, you know...
I'm-I'm rambling now. Sorry.
No.
That would be lovely.
Oh! Great.
Yea!
You know,
that is really great.
Normally, I'm really shy
about this sort of thing.
Takes me ages to get
the courage up, so thank you.
#[Drums Bashing]
Explain to me again
why you're so late?
Oh, for heaven's sake, woman.
Can't a man have any secrets?
Hurry up. We've been
waiting for hours.
It's the first-ever preview.
# Childhood dreaming
is a thing of the past #
#Maybe you can bring us
some hope this year #
# Visions of sugar plums
have disappeared #
"It was a starry night
in ancientJerusalem...
and the babyJesus
was in his manger. "
Sherlock Holmes
is not a real detective.
I would like half-pint
of"churly."
I would like a one-day
travel card.
#All alone on Christmas #
#All alone on Christmas #
# Tell me
I've gotta know #
#Don't leave me alone #
You'll come back
a broken man.
Yeah.
Back broken...
from too much sex.
You are on the road
to disaster.
No. I am on shag highway,
heading west.
Farewell failure.
America, watch out!
Here comes Colin Frissell...
#And he's got a big knob #
Take me to a bar.
What kind of bar?
Just any bar.
Just your average American bar.
Can I help you?
Yes. I'd like
a Budweiser, please.
King ofbeers.
- One Bud coming up.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you from England?
- Yes.
Oh! That is so cute.
Hi, I'm Stacey.
Jeannie?
Yeah?
This is...
Colin.
Frissell.
Cute name.
Jeannie.
He's from England.
Yep. Basildon.
Oh.
Oh.
Wait till Carol-Anne gets here.
She's crazy about English guys.
[Stacey]
Uh-huh.
- Hey, girls.
- Carol-Anne, come meet Colin.
He's from England.
Well, step aside, ladies.
This one's on me.
- Hey, gorgeous.
- [Growls]
That is so funny.
What-What
do you call that?
Uh, bottle.
[With British Accent]
Bottle.
What about this?
Uh, straw.
Straw!
What about this?
Uh, table.
Table.
Oh. It's the same.
- Where are you staying?
- I don't actually know.
I guess I'll just
check into a motel,
like they do in the movies.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That is so cute.
No, no, no. Listen.
This may be a bit pushy
'cause we just met you, but...
why don't you come back
and sleep at our place?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, well, I mean, you know,
if it's not too much
of an inconvenience.
Hell, no.
But there's one problem.
- What?
- Well, we're not the richest of girls,
you know, so we just have...
a little bed and no couch.
Oh.
So... you'd have to share
with all three of us.
And on this cold, cold night,
it's... gonna be crowded
and sweaty and stuff.
Yeah.
And we can't even afford pajamas.
No?
Which means...
we would be naked.
No. No, I think it'll be fine.
Good.
Great.
The thing that's gonna
make it more crowded...
Harriet.
You haven't met Harriet.
- There's a fourth one?
- Don't worry.
You're totally gonna like her...
'cause she is the sexy one.
Really? Wow.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Praise the Lord.
- [Gasps] And he's a Christian.
Cheers.
Cheers.
# If I could, then I would #
# I'll go wherever you will go #
# Way up high or down low #
# I'll go wherever you will go #
# If I could turn back time #
One present only each tonight.
Who's got one for Dad?
I have.
- No, let Mummy go first.
- I'll get it! I'll get it!
No, no, no, no, no.
I want to choose mine.
I think I want...
- this one.
- I have, of course bought
the traditional scarf as well,
but this is my other...
slightly special, personal one.
Thank you.
That's a real first.
Rip it.
What is it?
I'm going to...
All right, I'll rip it.
God, that's a surprise.
[Boy]
What is it?
It's a C.D.
Joni Mitchell. Wow.
To continue
your emotional education.
Yes.
Goodness.
That's great.
My brilliant wife.
Ah. Yes.
Actually, um, do you mind
if I just absent myself
for a second?
All that ice cream.
Uh...
Darling, could you just make sure
the kids are ready to go?
I'll be back in a minute.
[All Chattering]
# Moons and Junes #
# And Ferris wheels #
# The dizzy, dancing way
that you feel #
# As every fairy tale comes real #
# I've looked at love that way #
# But now it's just another show #
# And you leave 'em laughin'
when you go #
# And if you care #
# Don't let them know #
# Don't give yourself away #
# I've looked at love #
# From both sides now #
# From give and take #
# And still somehow #
# It's love's illusions
that I recall #
# I really don't know love #
# I really don't know love at all #
# Tears and fears
and feeling proud #
# To say I love you
right out loud #
# Dreams and schemes
and circus crowds #
# I've looked at life that way #
# Oh, but now old friends #
Oh my God!
# They're acting strange #
It's a miracle!
You're all dressed...
Come on. We're horribly late!
# And they shake their heads #
# And they tell me that I've changed #
Out you go.
Into the car, into the car.
# Well, something's lost #
# But something's gained #
# In living every day #
Has she noticed you yet?
No.
But you know the thing
about romance is, people only
get together right at the very end.
Of course.
By the way, I feel bad.
I never ask you how
your love life is going.
[Mock Chuckle]
No.
As you know, that was
a done deal long ago.
Unless, of course,
Claudia Schiffer calls,
in which case I want you out
of the house straight away,
you wee motherless mongrel.
Oh!
No, no, we'll want to have sex
in every room, including yours.
"Who is number one on
the Radio One Chart Show tonight?".
Is it Blue or the unexpected
Christmas sensation from Billy Mack?
Well, you might have guessed it,
although you may not believe it.
- It's Billy Mack.!
- [All Cheering]
- You are the champion!
- [Man On Radio] Hi, Billy.
Hello.
We're live across the nation,
and you're number one.
- How will you be celebrating?
- I don't know.
Uh, either I could behave
like a real rock and roll loser...
and get drunk
with my fat manager, or...
[People Laughing]
When I hang up
I'll be flooded by invitations...
to a large number
of glamorous parties.
[Whooping, Cheering]
Let's hope it's the latter.
And here it is, number one
from Billy Mack,
it's "Christmas is All Around."
Oh, Jesus! Not that crap again!
#
Bill.
It's for you, babe.
Hello.
Elton! Of-Of course.
Of-Of course.
Send an
embarrassingly big car,
and I'll be there.
- [People Laughing]
- It's gonna be...
a very good Christmas.
[All Cheering]
Right.
I'd better be getting
inside, actually.
My mum and, you know...
Of course. Yeah.
It's getting a bit cold.
Um...
Well, good night.
Night.
Uh...
Uh, okay.
All I want for Christmas...
is you.
Right.
Thank you. Good.
Good night.
[Laughing]
Ho.
# I'm... I'm dreaming #
# Dreaming #
[Doorbell Rings]
Of a white #
Oh, look, everyone!
It's UncleJamie.
# White Christmas #
[All Chattering]
Yes. Oh, splendid. It's lovely...
lovely to see you all.
And, uh,
I'm off, actually.
But, Jamie, darling.
Sorry.
A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
I hate UncleJamie.
[Girl] I hate UncleJamie.
[Boy] I hate UncleJamie.
# And try to listen #
# To hear #
# All the sleigh bells #
# That are ringing in the snow #
Gatwick Airport, please.
Fast as you can.
# I wanna tell you one more time
what I'm thinkin'about #
# I, I, I'm #
# Dreaming #
# Of a white #
Night, Sarah.
# Christmas, yeah #
Night, Karl.
I, um...
# With every Christmas card #
Merry Christmas.
# That I write you, oh #
Merry Christmas.
# I want you to know #
# May your days
May your days #
# Be so merry #
# Merry and bright #
# [Vocalizing]
Hi, babe.
How's it goin'? Yeah.
Is it all party, party, party
down there?
# All of your Christmases #
# And may all
And may all #
# Of your Christmases #
# Baby, may your days #
# May your days be merry, merry #
# So merry and bright #
Sam, time for dinner.
I'm not hungry.
Sam, I've done
chicken kebabs.
Look at the sign
on the door.
# [Drums Beating]
# Your Christmases #
Right.
# Be so bright #
# [Vocalizing]
It's a little long.
# Dreaming, dreaming
of a white #
# White Christmas, baby #
[Doorbell Rings]
I'll get it.
- Oh, hi.
- Who is it?
It's carol singers.
Well, give 'em a quid
and tell them to bugger off.
# Silent night #
# Holy night #
# All is calm #
# All is bright #
# Round yon virgin #
# Mother and child #
# Holy infant #
# So tender and mild #
# Sleep in heavenly #
# Peace #
# Sleep in heavenly peace #
# Silent night #
# Holy night #
# Shepherds quake #
# At the sight #
[Whispering]
Merry Christmas.
# Glories stream #
# From heaven afar #
# Heavenly hosts #
# Sing alleluia #
# Christ the Savior #
# Is born #
# Christ the Savior is born #
Enough.
Enough now.
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Doorbell Buzzes]
What the hell
are you doing here?
I mean, you're supposed
to be at Elton John's.
Yeah, well, I was there
for a minute or two,
and then... and then
I had an epiphany.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, come on.
Just come up.
So, um,
what was this epiphany?
Um, it was about Christmas.
You realized it was all around?
No. I realized that
Christmas is the time...
to be with
the people you love.
Right.
And...
I realized that as dire chance
and-and fateful cock-up would have it,
here I am...
mid-fifties...
and without knowing it, I've gone
and spent most of my adult life...
with a chubby employee.
And much as it
grieves me to say it,
it-it might be
that the people I love...
is, in fact, you.
- Well, this is a surprise.
- Yeah.
Ten minutes at Elton John's,
you're as gay as a maypole.
No, look,
I'm serious here.
I left Elton's, where there were
a hefty number...
of half-naked chicks
with their mouths open...
in order
to hang out with you...
at Christmas.
Well, Bill...
It's a terrible,
terrible mistake, Chubs.
But you turn out to be
the fucking love of my life.
[Chuckles]
And to be honest,
despite all my... complaining,
we have had
a wonderful life.
[Chuckles]
Well, thank you.
I mean, yeah, come on.
It's been an honor.
[Chuckles]
I feel very proud.
Oh, don't-don't be a moron.
Come on. Let's get pissed
and watch porn.
[Natalie's Voice]
Dear sir. Dear David.
Merry Christmas, and I hope
you have a very happy New Year.
I'm very sorry
about the thing that happened.
It was a very odd moment,
and I feel like a prize idiot.
Particularly because,
if you can't say it at Christmas,
when can you, eh?
I'm actually yours,
with love.
Your Natalie.
Jack, yeah, I need a car.
Right now.
Thank you.
Oh, don't wait up.
I'd like to go to Wandsworth.
The dodgy end.
Very good, sir.
# Your eyes tell me
how you want me #
[Siren Wailing]
# I can feel it
in your heartbeat #
# I know you like what you see #
[Prime Minister]
Harris Street.
[Driver]
What number, sir?
Oh, God.
It's the longest street in the world,
and I have absolutely no idea.
# Wrap your love around me #
# You're so exciting
I can feel you getting hotter #
[Doorbell Ringing]
- Hello. Does Natalie live here?
- No.
- Right. Fine. Thank you.
Sorry to disturb.
- Eh... Uh...
Aren't you the prime minister?
Uh, yes, in fact, I am.
Merry Christmas.
- Oh!
- Part of the service now.
I'm trying to get round everyone
by New Year's eve.
[Doorbell Rings]
Ah! Hello.
Uh, does Natalie live here?
- No, she doesn't.
- Oh, dear. Okay.
Are you singing carols?
- Uh, no. No, I'm not.
- Please, sir. Please.
Please.
- Well, I mean, I suppose I could.
- Please.
All right.
[Girls Cheering]
# Good King Wenceslas looked out #
# On the Feast of Stephen #
# When the snow lay round about #
# Deep and crisp and even #
# Brightly shone the moon that night #
- [Doorbell Ringing]
- Hello. Sorry to disturb.
Does Natalie live here?
No.
She lives next door.
Ah. Brilliant.
You're not who I think
you are, are you?
Yes, I'm afraid I am,
and I'm sorry about all the cock-ups.
Not my fault.
My cabinet are absolute crap.
We hope to do better next year.
Merry Christmas to you.
[Doorbell Ringing]
[All Chattering]
Ah. Hello.
Is, uh, Natalie in?
Where the fuck
is my fucking coat?
Oh. Hello.
Hello.
Um, this is my mum
and my dad...
and my Uncle Tony
and my Auntie Glynne.
- Very nice to meet you.
- And, um,
this is the prime minister.
Yes, we can see that, darling.
And, um, unfortunately,
we're very late.
- It's the school Christmas concert,
you see, David.
- Ah.
It is the first time all the
local schools have joined together.
Even St Basil's.
- Too much detail, Mum.
- Uh, anyway, how can we help, sir?
Well, I... just needed Natalie.
On some state business.
Oh.
Right. Yes.
Of course.
Right.
Well, perhaps you should,
uh, come on later, Plumpy.
Uh, Natalie.
Well, listen, I don't want to
make you late for the concert.
- No, it's nothing really.
- Keith'll be very disappointed.
- No, really, it doesn't matter.
- The octopus costume's taken me months.
Eight is a lot of legs, David.
Hmm. Um...
Listen, why don't I, um,
give you a lift,
and then we can talk about this...
state business business in the car.
- Okay.
- Lovely.
Lovely. Yes.
Hold tight, everybody.
How far is this place?
Just around the corner.
Ah, right. Well, uh,
I just wanted to say, um,
thank you
for the Christmas card.
You're welcome. Look,
I'm so sorry about that day.
I mean, I came into the room
and he slinked towards me
and there was a fire,
and he's the president
of the United States, and...
Nothing happened.
I promise.
And I just felt like
such a fool because...
I think about you
all the time, actually.
And I think you're
the man that I really...
We're here.
Iove.
Oh, wow. That really was
just round the corner. Uh...
Um...
Ow!
Well, look, I, uh...
I think I'd better not
come in, you know?
Last thing anyone wants
is some sleazy politician
stealing the kids' thunder.
No, please come.
It'll be great.
No, l... I'd better not.
But I...
will be very... sorry...
to drive away from you.
Just give me one second.
John's been very mysterious.
Where did you two meet?
Um... Um...
Um... Um...
Come on in.
We can watch from backstage.
Okay. Uh, Terry,
I won't be long.
But look. This, um... This has
to be a very secret visit, okay?
Don't worry,
This was my school.
I know my way around. Come on.
Look, look, the sheep are ready already,
and you're not even... Oh, David!
Ah! Ah!
Oh, how are you? Hi, guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
You all right?
What the hell
are you doing here?
Well, you know, l...
I always tell your secretary's
secretary's secretary...
that these things are going on,
but it never occurred to me
you'd actually turn up.
Well, I thought it
was about time l-I did.
I just didn't want anyone to see,
so I'm gonna hide myself somewhere
and watch the show. Good luck.
Good luck, Daisy.
Good luck, Bernie.
I have to tell you, I've never been
gladder to see my stupid big brother.
Thank you.
It's all right.
Oh, now.
We haven't been introduced.
Oh, right. Um...
Well, this is Gavin.
Oh, hello, Gavin.
Sorry.
My copper. And this is Natalie,
who's my, um...
who's my uh... uh...
catering manager.
Oh.
Hi.
Catering manager. Watch that
he keeps his hands off you.
Twenty years ago,
you'd have been just his type.
I'll be very careful.
Don't try something, sir,
just because it's Christmas.
No, seriously.
[Bell Ringing]
Oh, come on.
Showtime. Quickly.
Um, look, see you after, yeah?
Yeah, probably. Yeah.
Thank you, Prime Minister.
It's all right.
Come on.
Right.
# Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket #
# Save it for a rainy day #
# Catch a falling star
and put it in your pocket #
# Never let it fade away #
# Never let it fade away #
# Never let it fade away #
Hillier School would now like to present
their chosen Christmas number.
Lead vocals by 10-year-old
Joanna Anderson.
Backing vocals coordinated
by her mother,
the great Mrs. Jean Anderson.
Um, some of the staff have
decided to help out, and, uh,
for this, we ask you
to forgive us.
[Laughter]
Thank you.
# I don't want a lot
for Christmas #
# There's just one thing I need #
# I don't care about the presents #
# Underneath the Christmas tree #
# I just want you for my own #
# More than you could ever know #
# Make my wish come true #
# All I want for Christmas #
# Is you #
# I don't want a lot for Christmas #
# There's just one thing I need #
# I don't care
about the presents #
# Underneath the Christmas tree #
# I just want you for my own #
# More than
you could ever know #
# Make my wish come true #
# All I want for Christmas is you #
# You, baby, oh #
# All the lights are shining
so brightly everywhere #
# And the sound of
children's laughter fills the air #
# Laughter fills the air #
# Everyone is singin'
Oh, yeah #
# Oh, yeah #
# I hear those
sleigh bells ringin'#
# Santa, won't you bring me
my honey #
# Won't you please bring
my baby to me #
# I don't want
a lot for Christmas #
- # This is all I'm asking for #
- # All I'm asking for #
# I just wanna see
my baby #
# Standing right
outside my door #
# I just want you for my own #
- # More than you could ever know #
- # You will ever know #
# Make my wish come true #
# All I want for Christmas #
# Is you #
# All I want for Christmas #
# And you, and you #
# And you, and you #
# All I want for Christmas #
[Cheering]
[Camera Shutters Clicking]
Right.
So, not quite as secret
as we'd hoped.
What do we do now?
Smile. Little bow.
[Applauding, Cheering]
And a wave.
Thank you.
[Woman]
Wow.! The prime minister.!
[Indistinct]
I'll see you later, all right?
I'll speak to you.
Tell me, if you were in my position,
what would you do?
What position is that?
Imagine your husband
bought a gold necklace...
and, come Christmas,
gave it to somebody else.
Oh, Karen.
Would you wait around
to find out if it...
Good night.
Night, night, darling.
Happy Christmas.
Would you wait
around to find out
if it's just a necklace...
or if it's sex and a necklace
or if, worst of all,
it's a necklace and love?
Would you stay knowing life
would always be a little bit worse?
Or would you cut and run?
Oh, God.
I am so in the wrong.
A classic fool.
Yes, but you've also
made a fool out of me.
You've made the life
I lead foolish too.
Darling.
Whoo! Darlings!
Oh, you were wonderful!
My little lobster, you were so...
What is that word?
Orange.
Come on.
I've got treats at home.
Dad's coming.
Sammy!
Fantastic show!
Classic drumming, son.
Thanks.
Plan didn't work, though.
Well, tell her then.
Tell her what?
Tell her that you love her.
No way.
Anyway, they fly tonight.
Even better. Sam,
you've got nothing to lose,
and you'll always regret it
if you don't.
I never told your mum enough.
I should have told her
every day because she was
perfect every day.
You've seen the films, kiddo.
It ain't over till it's over.
Okay, Dad. Let's do it.
Let's go get the shit
kicked out of us by love.
Yes!
Just give me one sec.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
That's... okay.
My fault.
No, no, no.
Really, it wasn't.
You're Sam's dad,
aren't you?
Yeah.
Stepdad, actually.
Daniel.
I'm Carol.
Carol.
- Okay, I'm back. Let's go.
- Yeah.
Well, I hope
we'll meet again, Karen.
Carol.
[Chuckles]
- I'll make sure we do.
- Yeah? Good.
[Chuckles]
Tell her.
What?
You know...
[Making Kissing Sounds]
Don't be such an arse.
Look. There she is.
Where?
Over there.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
We'll go to the airport.
I know a shortcut.
[Speaking Portuguese]
Wait, wait!
Oh, no.
Look, we're not actually flying, but...
You can't come through
without a boarding pass.
Not even to let the boy say good-bye
to the love of his life?
No.
Uh, I'm sorry, Sam.
Boarding pass, sir?
Now, just a moment.
I know I've got it here somewhere.
Would you mind hanging on to that?
Unless...
What? What?
Do you want to make
a run for it?
Hold on to that as well.
Do you think I should?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yes!
No, I must have left them
where I was having a cup of coffee.
I'm sorry.
[Alarm Beeping]
[No Audible Dialogue]
[No Audible Dialogue]
Joanna.
Sam?
- I thought you didn't know my name.
- Of course I do.
Oh Jesus. Here.
I've gotta run.
Boa noite, Aurelia.
Boa noite, Jamie.
Shh!
Thank you.
That will be nice.
"Yes" is being my answer.
Easy question.
Bravo!
You learned English?
Just in cases.
#I may not always love you #
#But long as there are
stars above you #
Hello, Daisy.
This one's Greta.
Hello, Greta.
Well, here she is.
This is Aurelia.
This is Juliet.
This is Peter.
Hi.
Mark. Hi. Didn't see you.
Yeah, just thought
I'd tag along.
Jamie's friends
are so good looking.
He never tells me this.
I think maybe now I have made
the wrong choice?
Picked the wrong Englishman.
She can't speak English properly.
She doesn't know what she's saying.
Dad.! Dad.!
#So what good
would living do me #
Oh, God!
Did you get us any presents?
As a matter of fact I did.
Thanks, Dad.
How are you?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Good to have you back.
Come on. Home.
There she is.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh! He should have
kissed her.
No, that's cool.
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
Hey, what are you two
doing here?
Might get a shag at last.
Naughty.
Uh, gotta go.
Bye.
Whoo-hoo!
# The world could show
nothing to me #
Now, this... is Harriet.
Hi.
Really pleased to meet ya.
Hello, Harriet.
I hope you don't mind.
I sort of brought
my sister to stay.
This is Carla.
She's real friendly.
[Chuckles]
Hello.
You must be Tony.
I heard you were
gorgeous.
[People Clamoring]
[Flashbulbs Popping]
God, you weigh a lot.
Oh, shut your face.
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows #
# God only knows
what I'd be without you #
# God only knows what I'd be #
#
# [Woman Vocalizing]
# Love can be
a many splendored thing #
# Can't deny thejoy it brings #
# A dozen roses, diamond rings #
# Dreams for sale and fairy tales #
# It'll make you hear a symphony #
# And you just want
the world to see #
# But like a drug
that makes you blind #
# It'll fool ya every time #
# The trouble with love is #
# It can tear you up inside #
# Make your heart believe a lie #
# It's stronger than your pride #
# The trouble with love is #
# It doesn't care how fast you fall #
# And you can't refuse the call #
# See, you got no say at all #
# Oh #
# Now, I was once a fool, it's true #
# I played the game
by all the rules #
# But now my world's a deeper blue #
# I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too #
# I swore I'd never love again #
# I swore my heart
would never mend #
# Said love wasn't worth the pain #
# But then I hear it call my name #
# The trouble with love is #
# It can tear you up inside #
# Make your heart believe a lie #
# It's stronger than your pride #
# The trouble with love is #
# It doesn't care how fast you fall #
# And you can't refuse the call #
# See, you got no say at all #
# Every time I turn around #
# I think I've got it
all figured out #
# My heart keeps callin'
and I keep on fallin'#
# Over and over again #
# The sad story
always ends the same #
# Me standin'in the pourin'rain #
# It seems no matter what I do #
# It tears my heart in two #
# The trouble with love is #
# The trouble with love #
# Yeah #
# It can tear you up inside #
# It can tear you up inside #
# Make your heart believe a lie #
# Make your heart believe a lie #
# It's stronger than your pride #
# The trouble with love is #
# It's in your heart
It's in your soul #
# You won't get no control #
# And you can't refuse the call #
# See, you got no say at all #
# The trouble with love is #
# Oh, yeah #
# I'm in over my head
You got under my skin #
# I got no strength at all
in the state that I'm in #
# And my knees are weak
and my mouth can't speak #
# Fell too far this time #
# Baby, I'm too lost in you #
# Caught in you #
# Lost in everything about you #
# So deep I can't sleep #
# I can't think
I just think about #
# The things that you do #
# I'm too lost in you #
# Baby, baby, baby
I'm too lost in you #
# Caught in you #
# Lost in everything about you #
# So deep I can't sleep #
# I can't think
I just think about #
# The things that you do #
#I'm so lost in you #