Third day of high school and I, -
Victor Knudsen was hit by epidemic.
And we're not talking about your
everyday epidemic like chicken pox.
- Or the flu. Nope, we're talking
a case of total, incurable -
- "Anya-itis".
Hello, gorgeous.
It's not so much the fact -
- that she's the most beautiful girl
in the history of the world.
It's that... well...
- Whassup, ladies?
- Hey, Peter!
Why don't you boys
go park my precious?
Sure thing, Peter.
If you scratch her, you die.
Open house this evening.
Please come by.
Nothing feels quite like expensive
wheels. Not even sex.
You ladies should stop by Nick
and Ernie's party tonight, -
- it's gonna be
off the hook.
Especially you mama. I'll make sure
you're on the VIP list.
Take a hike, losers.
They'd never set foot
at your retarded little party.
Yo, Vic!
Hey, Vic!
Is he even alive?
Come on, this is your big chance.
Never mind the fact that she's
the world's most unattainable girl.
And that's... maybe her boyfriend.
Just walk on up to herand
invite her to Ernie's party tonight.
So what if she's a Senior?
Nothing. It means nothing.
Oh my god, what a smile!
I don't think we've been introduced.
Huh, no we haven't.
Those eyes...
My name's Vic...
"Viccup"?
That sure looks like your geek brother
trying to score.
How freaking stupid can you be,
trying to score a Senior?
Must run in the family. You wrote
Paris Hilton, didn't you?
She's not a senior now, is she?
Besides, she's much more mature
than high school chicks.
Right.
We could make the catastrophic film
of the century...
...about Victor and Anya.
"What not to do
when one wants to get some ass".
We're gonna win Sundance!
You do the directing,
I'll cast the floozies.
- Score!
- Yeah!
I think Esmeralda is just about ready...
Adios, mamacita.
Now there's pussy in the air, boys.
- She sure does slide nicely.
- Why Esmeralda?
We can name her Anya if you prefer.
What do you think Ernest?
This is America,
we can all dream, right?
- Do you think she'll come?
- Not the first few times.
Victor, my man, she's a senior.
You'd have a better chance
trying to score Angelina Jolie.
I don't exactly think she walks around
dreaming about a 15 year old -
- who's never had any,
except his own right hand.
- Get lost, you little rug rat!
- Alright, fine, I'll leave.
I'm sorry, -
- I thought you were my hideous
little brother and his stupid camera.
I don't think
Brian looks this great in a dress.
Very sexy. You're out for some
trouble tonight, aren't you?
- Aren't I always?
- Yeah.
- Anya's bedroom, take four.
- Marker!
Brian and Zack, that's it!!
Get the hell out of my room!
One more time from the top, Sis.
And maybe you could lose
the bathrobe in this take?
Out now!
Keep that expression, Anya.
You're totally challenging
Uma Thurman in Kill Bill!
Get out! Scram!
Come on Anya, get dressed.
The Froshes are having a party
and we're crashing it!
What, Freshmen?
Sure you'll fit right in.
They don't have sex either.
Thanks.
- Hey, Ernie!
- What's up, baby?
No sandals next time, buddy.
We're running a classy joint here.
Luckily, I'm in a good mood. Hello.
Wearing dancing shoes.
So, have you seen her yet?
If you are referring to your lady
friend Anya, she was just here.
- I told her to take a hike.
- You did what?
She didn't have an invitation, man.
What do you want from me?
But she doesn't,
she doesn't need a... a...
Bu, bu, but...
Okay, geez, I'm just joking.
That broad has totally ruined
your sense of humor.
Madames, proceed to
the Garden of Eden.
Nice!
Yo, this place is packed with hotties.
Forget about Anya and just grab
whatever you can get.
Which isn't a whole lot, -
- but, you know, there's gotta
be someone desperate enough.
Man, you are a lost cause. Go make
sure Ernie's still standing, will you?
Come on, lets just try to get into
"Avalon" instead.
Peter just texted me and said it'd be
happening tonight.
Peter should just be happy you are
practicing on some toddlers.
Thanks for the confidence.
- Are you still scared?
- Of what?
Of actually doing it with Peter.
No.
I mean, when we're alone together
he's really nice and....
He says
all the right things, it's just...
Anya, if you don't wanna do it,
you shouldn't do it.
I do want to, I'm ready!
I don't know. I guess I'm just not sure
if he's the right one.
Listen, you can't just throw away a
woman's greatest treasure, -
- just because he wants you to.
You have to wait
for your one true love.
The one you're gonna marry.
- What was that?
- It's in the Bible.
You guys ever hear of role playing?
You got it, doll.
Two of Ernie's famous home juice.
Get lost girls, Hanna Montana
starts in 5 minutes.
What was that?
Hi...
Such a lovely dress you're wearing,
Anya.
Nice fabric. They don't
make them like that anymore.
I just bought it, so I guess they do.
Okay, Tom Ford, fashion week is over.
- I'm Victor.
- Hi.
Are you coming or what?
It's the nicest dress
I've seen all night.
Okay.
That freshie really liked your dress.
Hey, let's make a bet,
whoever gets a freshie hooked first, -
- has to pick up the tab
later on at Avalon.
You're on.
It's the nicest dress
I've seen all night?
That's the dumbest thing
I've said in my entire life!
Ooooh!
Freak out time!
Just, just, just walk up to her
and say...
"Anya, baby, let's, let's groove.
I got some... R-rated moves for ya."
Dude, what are you
doing in here, boy?
Okay. Don't mind me.
Hey, come on, close the door,
it's not that big.
Or, is it?
Come on, you guys, walk!
You can do it. One foot afterthe other.
Don't tell me
you're talking to yourfeet, Vic?
- No, I, I....
- Just go on up to her, man. Come on.
Just do it, Vic.
Do it, man,
Here comes your lover boy to
comment on your dress again.
I sense your credit card's
gonna hit the limit tonight.
Victor, my man, you obviously have
something important to say.
I'm, I'm sorry, what was that?
Any hiccup experts in the house?
I know a good trick.
Come on, you've tortured Victor
long enough.
So Victor, do you want me to try
to fix these hiccups of yours?
I'll give you a great, big kiss if you
can do one more hiccup for me.
Victor?
Victor?
Victor!
So, what will it be, big boy?
Go, buddy!
I, I can't do it.
But the most important thing is that
your hiccups are cured, right?
Guess I'm stuck paying the tab
tonight.
That's the price you have to pay for
having such a "lovely dress".
- Hey, I got the hiccups too!
- No, no, no, no, I do!
She would have kissed me!
Zachary Jaaaaaaaaames!!!!
That's my name, don't wear it out.
I got the copyright, lady.
You know I can't stand spiders!
Then it's a good thing
it's made out of licorice.
Where did I go wrong?
- When you and dad were getting....
- Yes, thank you, young man.
Sounds like you woke up your mom,
Zachary.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Dad.
What about Victor? Is he up yet?
The old booze hound is hung over.
Oh, don't be silly. Your brother
doesn't drink.
Yeah, and I don't dig girls over
Victor, breakfast is ready!
Oh, good morning.
So son, any nice-looking girls there
last night?
- Yeah, did you get any pussy?
- Zachary!
You need to use a different
language, young man!
Yes, mom.
Hizole consigue coo?
Did you get to
bump into any big jugs?
Stop it!
Back in my day,
we called them melons.
Christian!
Well, some people did, but, no, no,
not me.
You know, I better get back to work.
- Oh, don't forget this one.
- Thank you, son.
See you.
So, what kind of trouble are you
boys planning on getting into today?
Nothing out of the ordinary, -
- maybe knock over
a liquor store, hit the titty bar.
Oh, that's great!
Hey, mom, did anyone call?
No. Who would have called?
Oh, I don't know.
What if she's crazy about me,
but just doesn't know it yet?
In theory she already kissed me.
It's all subconscious.
She even smiled at me this morning.
Anya's the type who'd smile
at a child molester.
If she likes you so much, why
don't you go over and talk to her?
Well, she's sitting
with all the Seniors.
What about that smart-ass Peter?
Is she dating him or what?
No, I'm sure they're just
really good friends.
Is Victor Knudsen really
gonna go down in history...
...as the Kentucky fried chicken who
didn't dare fight for his own woman?
You're right.
No, time out, time out. Are you sure
there are no hiccups on their way up?
I got it covered.
I didn't drink a single sip
of water today, or yesterday.
Good luck, Titanic!
Can't you faint from dehydration?
What's up ladies?
Is this Candid Camera or did you
just say "what's up ladies"?
I just wanted to say how great it
was to see you at the party.
Me and my dress?
Don't you know little Freshmen
aren't allowed at the seniortable?
Last I checked there was no
reservation sign.
Listen, you punk, I don't know
what you're trying to pull here.
But don't ever talk
to any of us ever again -
- or I'll split your skull in two!
Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss,
kid.
No one in their right mind would
ever give such a loser one for free.
- Nice one!
- Huh? You like that? Like that?
Well done.
"Go buy yourself a Hershey's kiss,
kid".
- Hurry up.
- Relax already.
Check the stalls, will ya?
Clear. Make this quick.
I seem to remember you never liked
it when I was too quick about it.
Look, I'm sick and tired of Anya and
her unspoiled, virgin bullshit.
What is she trying to prove?
Don't worry, she knows she can't
graduate a virgin.
She said that?
She said she wants to do it soon,
and...
I told her the best way is to do it
with someone with experience.
Someone
who know's what he's doing.
Thanks for the compliment.
Can't you -
- prepare her a bit?
- Prepare her, are you crazy?!
- Just give her a few tips.
I'm going to her house on Wednesday
while her parents are playing Bridge.
Seriously Peter,
that's between you two.
I wanna see my girl happy and
I am not pushing her to do it.
It was a lot easier with you
back in the day.
All it took was a ride in
the Precious Junior -
- and a twenty buck dinner.
Besides, when I've had Anya too,
you girls can finally discuss sex.
So, I guess I'll basically be doing
you a favor.
Chupa mi verga.
Keep talking dirty, baby.
Okay, Casanova. So you're gonna
tell this girl you barely know -
- that she shouldn't sleep with her
boyfriend even though she wants to?
Well, he's not really her boyfriend.
But... yeah.
- Great plan, Vic.
- ! 9lt's not so bad.
- Ah, God, you're so young.
- But Peter doesn't love her!
So? When did that become
mandatory for love making?
Come on guys, her house
isn't that far away.
- Hancock Park.
- Oh, that's a rich neighborhood.
Yeah, I bought the address off Zack,
he's friends with her little brother.
Doesn't that make you two
practically related?
Yo, the girl that your in love
with...
...happens just to be your cousin,
Oh, doesn't that hurt
a little buzzing...
going around in
your little wedgie stomach.
I can't believe your feelings
just took a plummet.
I can't rap, man, but I'm doing it
for you!
It's right there.
- Wow!
- Oooohhh!
Damn! Yourfuture wife is loaded!
You guys stay here. I'll handle this.
Heads up, Vic!
- Hi, Victor!
- Hey there, Anya.
So, how about that?
- It's almost Wednesday, huh?
- Yeah, I guess so.
You live around here?
Uh, yeah, yeah. Um... no.
- Here, ah, let me get those.
- Thanks.
So, ah, what's up with all the cans?
Huh?
Hi Anya!
Well, we're turning great profits
from the party by selling them.
I didn't know you were
such a businessman.
Oh, yeah, sure.
You know, me and old Billy... Gates,
ha.
Let the profits go to charity.
China, Af-Africa, Ca-California...
- So, it's almost Wednesday, huh?
- You said that already.
I did, I did, yeah.
That must make it a fact then.
Look, I came to tell you, um....
I wanted to ask you....
You know my little brother Zack,
right?
He's friends with your little
brother. Small world, huh? Ha, ha.
So Zack's your little brother.
Is that a good thing, or?
Yeah, yeah, he is. Good old Zackie,
he's a real... bro.
Victor, is everything alright?
Hell, no. Yeah! Yeah, yeah,
everything's just... dandy.
- Well, I gotta get going.
- Are you going to Peter's or?
No, I actually have
an interview at USC.
I'm really nervous.
Do, do I look alright?
You look... beautiful.
Cool. I, I mean, thank you.
I'll see you later, Victor.
Oh, and I really don't want you to
sleep with Peter on Wednesday.
Come...
I don't...
Come on, what?
It's a great opening. We need to
make it juicierthough.
Not to worry. That's under control.
Victor's going to a party on
Saturday.
Anya would be delighted
to see Victor, -
Saturday, September 10th at 3 PM, -
for her 18th birthday celebration.
That's an hour after all the
grown-ups arrive.
I like where your head's at.
One question gentlemen...
The Invasion of Normandie is what?
Took place when? Lead by whom?
Sorry Mein Frulein,
that's three questions, not one.
D-day, 6th of June 1944.
General Eisenhower.
Damn, you ought to teach that shit!
Yes. And you ought to get down
to the principal's office. Now!
- Herut!
- Darn!
It's only an overnight trip, right?
Yeah. So, I'm not gonna pass.
- So it's Wednesday...
- ! 9 Yeah...
I can't believe that...
Yeah in Study Hall...
I'm sorry we can't
help you out tonight.
Yeah....
Ernie...
Sorry, we gotta bounce.
The Lakers await us.
You gonna be okay.
Good luck, Vic.
This Napa Pinot
is elegantly smooth, -
- full bodied with
a hint of blueberry.
And it has an exquisite nose.
Cheers, darling.
Cheers.
I think it tastes a little stale.
Stale?
- I'll give you stale! Huh?
- What? Nooo! Nooo!
Huh? Huh?
What? Huh?
Seriously! Stop!
Yourturn.
- I'm actually a little cold.
- I'll keep you warm.
What the hell?
We'll pretend like no one's home.
Oh, no, no, no, let me just
go check it out really quick.
Hi, Anya.
Hey... What are you doing here?
Well, call me a mama's boy, but
I promised I would pick up Zack.
He's not here. Brian's with
my parents playing Bridge.
Really? You sure you don't have him
hiding in here somewhere?
What the hell is hiccups doing here?
Ah, I just swung by
to pick up my kid brother.
But apparently he's not here.
Why in the world would
your brother be here?
He's friends with Brian.
Exactly.
Well, I hope I'm not
disturbing anything?
Not anything we can't get back to.
- Well, I guess you better be going.
- Peter, don't be rude!
No, I'll, I'll leave you two
to do it...
To it!
See you later, Victor.
Time for bed.
Kindergarten starts early.
What? Huh...
Okay. Where were we? Oh, yeah....
Yeah.... Right there. Right there...
Yeah! You feel that? It's pectorals.
Feel those pectorals, baby?
It's muscle.
- What the hell is this?
- I guess tonight isn't our night.
No shit, Sherlock!
Victor?!
I'm really sorry to bother you,
but I can't find my wallet.
So I was trying to back track
my night, and I thought, -
- well, I couldn't possibly
have left it here, could I?
Unless you threw the thing through
the door when we weren't looking!
You, you didn't come in really.
That's true...
Is there something going on
that I don't know about?
Do you drop by
several times every night?
- No.
- Of course not.
Are you trying to cock block me
or something?
Look, I,
I hope you find your wallet.
Thanks.
Let's see, your little brother,
your wallet, -
- is there anything else
you want us to check for?
Nope. I think that's about it.
Great!
You alright?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm fine, I'm fine... Unless it
wouldn't be too much trouble...
...could I get a glass of milk?
Whole milk. My personal favorite.
Lots of energy. Tasty, yet...
...whole.
More?
Ah, what the hell.
The night's still young. Fill me up.
Well... thanks forthe drink.
You sure you don't want more?
They say to drink a full gallon
when you're still growing.
Naa, I shouldn't. Biking.
I'll put this bad boy in the
dishwasher, make myself useful.
- No, that's not necessary, Victor.
- I got it.
- Where do the dishes go?
- I'll take care of it! Useless!
Guess I better be going!
Thanks for stopping by, and if you
need a bedtime story or get hungry...
- Do it at home. Okay?!
- Okay.
- See you later.
- Much, much later!
Jesus, God!
I don't believe that kid!
I bet you in five minutes he'll want
to borrow 3 eggs for a cup cake.
Oh, he's not that bad.
"What's up, ladies?
My name is Victor. I'm a mama's boy
picking up my little brother!"
I think he's sweet,
in his own dorky way.
Sweet? Oh. I'll show you sweet.
I only play to win, Roger.
All I'm saying is
if I open with two diamonds -
- it isn't particularly intelligent
of you to call "no trumps".
I mean for God's sake,
there weren't any more spades!
It's called bluffing, my darling.
You saw it for yourself,
they had no idea what I was doing.
Well, neither did I!
They're probably porking like pigs
right now.
Watch your language, young man!
You know, maybe we should ring
the bell, just in case.
We are the ones who live here,
are we not?
Yeah, remember when your mother
and father walked in on us?
We were on the kitchen counter...
I'm gonna ring. I'm gonna ring.
That's it, you cock blocking
son of a bitch!
No more Anya to stand between
you and my fist!
Why don't you fuck off
so I can finally fuck her!!!
Mr. And Mrs. Benton. Hi.
We were just doing some homework.
Drama.
You wanna put your shirt on?
How was Bridge?
You're right. Peter's facial
expression is priceless!
I know, the sunglass cam was
definitely a good investment.
Especially with the stuff of my dad
cheating in Bridge too.
Yeah, that will make us
a nice blackmail payoff.
So, what do you think
we'll make on this film?
A couple hundred million at least.
That's what those French folks got
from the animal video on YouPorn.
Oh, the one with the porcupine and
the giraffe screwing?
Dude! And those are mammals.
We're getting people!
- People are mammals, stupid.
- Whatever.
Benton residence, talk to me, bitch.
Hi. It's Victor. Is Anya there?
It's Victor. He's actually buying it.
Well, she's out taking a dump.
Are you coming
to her birthday party?
I know she really wants to
see you.
Really? Yeah, I'd love to come.
Do you know what kind of present
she would like?
The idiot wants to know what
she wants for her birthday!
Well Vic, if you really
wanna make my sister happy, -
- you'll buy her a tarantula.
She's wanted one of those things
since she was little.
Atarantula? Really?
Hell, yeah.
She's always dreamt of having a
wrestling match between her lizard -
- and one of them black, hairy beasts.
I didn't even know she had a lizard.
Alright. Thanks forthe tip.
Are you sure you guys are related?
I know! How can anyone be that thick?
It balances the color.
That's what you gotta do, honey.
Hey!
Do you guys happen to know -
- if tarantulas are like,
really deadly poisonous?
- Why, did you see one?!
- No. No, I was just curious.
They are one of the most dangerous
of all spiders, Victor.
- If you see one, do not touch it!
- No.
- What's in the bag, son?
- Just some homework.
Wow!
- He's so cool. Let's keep him!
- We can't keep him.
Mom will go ballistic if she found
out we had a tarantula in the house.
Besides, it's a present for Anya.
- Let's name him Hugo.
- Don't piss him off.
- Let's find a dog and feed it.
- They don't eat dogs, you idiot!
The big ones do. The Turners down
the street, they own a Chihuahua.
- Zack, where are you?
- Mom! Mom! Get the door!
Zack!
Zachary James!
What the hell?
I guess he's stronger than we
thought. And hungrier...
Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
We have to find him now!
Where are you?
Zach!
Arrrhhhh.
You're such a wimp.
Whatever you're doing, young man,
don't!
Zach!
Get up! Get up! Get up!
- Oh, you're in here.
- Hi, Mom.
- How are you today?
- Zachary, what did you do this time?
Nothing at all, mom. I'm just...
helping Victor with his homework.
You know, World War Two and stuff.
Great war.
Is something wrong, Victor?
You look a little worried.
Ah, no, no, no, I just, have a
stomach ache.
Does it hurt bad?
Do you want some yoghurt?
- Oh, I'm alright. It'll pass.
- We ate three packs of cream puffs.
Well, no wonder!
You have to eat something
more substantial.
That's what I kept telling Vic here,
but he kept insisting.
I love cream puffs. What time is it?
Oh, my God, it's already 5.30.
I'm gonna start dinner shortly. You
boys better be able to eat something.
We will.
And it was freezing cold in
Stalingrad.
The soldiers had bare feet...
...as they walked... where?
That's question number 8.
It'll make an awesome scene
when he gives it to her.
Word. Hopefully she'll punch him
or something.
Hey! That's mine!
No one get's away
with cheating in my class!
You can collect it later
at the principal's office.
Out! Both of you! Auf wiedersehen!
- Come on Zack, we're out.
- Yeah, this place is dead anyway.
Question number 9!
Ah.
Are you feeling alright, Victor?
Yeah, Mom. I'm.... Just going to a
birthday party.
At a girl's house.
At a girl's house?
A girl named Anya.
Oh, my, my, what did you get her?
Uh. It, it, it's a, it's a book.
- Oh, it's a big book, isn't it?
- Yeah, she reads a bunch.
Anya. Do you take classes together?
No, uh, she's... she's a senior.
I don't really like the girls
my own age.
Wow!
That's amazing!
Let me.
You should invite her overfor
dinner, so dad and I could meet her.
Uh, I don't think so. We're just
friends, ya know...
Is that why you're ironing your
underpants?
Sorry. So, what does
this Anya look like?
She's... she's got dark hair and, -
- she's so...
She needs to be seen.
Well, there you go.
The socks...
I'll let you do yourself.
Who is getting married?
He's going to a birthday party.
For a girl....
...who's a senior!
So he's not gay, huh?
- I, I got it.
- Well, let me just get the other.
No, I'm gonna leave them down. Mom!
Please! Come on!
Please, stop!
So Victor, how does it feel -
- visiting the girl you've had wet
dreams about on her birthday?
Are you nervous?
Brian Henry! Go back in the living
room.
We're not buying anything today.
Mom! This is Victor. Anya's new boy
toy.
Really?
Hi, Mrs. Benton. Victor Knudsen.
Very nice to meet you.
I thought everyone was here.
Victor?
Happy Birthday.
Thanks for inviting me.
You're welcome.
What a lovely present you brought
for my daughter, Victor.
Thanks.
So, Anya, are you as excited as me
to see what's inside that thing?
What the hell is nerd boy doing here?
Why doesn't she just kick him out?
He clearly doesn't belong.
She can't kick him out. He dressed
up and brought a present and all.
Well, come on already,
Anya, open it.
Slower, Sis. With feeling.
Oh. Look at that, there's something
moving in there.
It's a....
Oh, wow! It's an Eximius Colosus
Aranea!!
Oh, my God!
Oh, Victor, that big, hairy fella
must have cost you a fortune, huh?
His name's Hugo.
- Does it attack humans?
- Only when it feels threatened.
But, it was to keep
your lizard company.
I don't own any lizards, Victor.
You don't?
No, no, no, just keep breathing.
It's okay, now he's just...
...you know, just keep breathing.
Take a deep breath.
It's in the box,
it's not gonna harm anyone.
It's not funny.
Let me get you a piece of cake
to calm your nerves.
Honey, it's okay.
Thank you.
Ooooohhh!
Anya, I'm so sorry about all this.
I'm sure you didn't intend -
- on releasing a poisonous creature
in my house on purpose.
Thanks for hiding me in your bedroom.
Your entire family probably
wants to kill me, huh?
For some reason
my dad finds you really hilarious.
He seems like a great guy.
I thought it was very sweet of you
to buy me such a lovely present.
I'm glad you liked it.
What on earth
made you buy me a tarantula?
Brian said you always wanted one!
That little turd had
something to do with this.
You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Not at all.
- Never give up, huh?
- I guess not.
Well, I guess I better kiss you,
then.
Well, we still can't find Hugo.
But the good news is, -
- Aunt Lizzy
didn't get bit after all.
It was just her recent Botox
that made her face go numb.
I hope I didn't ruin your couch.
Hum. 22 grand.
No, I'm just messing with you. Kid.
You need a ride home?
Yeah. Thanks.
Sorry again I ruined your birthday.
It's a, it's a really great motor.
You can't wear the crankshaft out.
The pistons are cast steel,
and the brakes...
...work every other Tuesday.
Since I don't have no senior babe,
I have to drill what I got.
Even if it was just a mercy kiss, -
- I think I'll see if she wants to go
to a movie sometime.
Woa, woa, woa, woa, woa.
No, no.
You can't take a girl you really
like to the movies on a first date.
You have to do something
that will really impress her.
Yeah. Something
to get her panties wet.
Imagine you and her alone together...
Close those eyes.
Somewhere romantic.... somewhere
that' II make her heart go...
...Victor, Victor, Victor...
Where would you be?
I got it! I'll take her
to Pyramid Lake and, -
- and get some bananas,
organic ones.
Girls like that. And rent a row boat.
Thanks boys, wish me luck!
Bananas? I think we got a situation.
I'm more worried about the row boat.
He doesn't really have
the arms for it, you know?
- Truth.
- Got the legs, though.
Hey Victor. What's up?
I uh... wanted to make it up to you.
Forthe mess I made.
Give me five minutes.
So... where's this apology at?
Thanks.
I was also hoping you'd come with me
somewhere?
For lunch.
Nowhere near poisonous creatures,
I promise.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Sorry, it's my dad's.
- No Lotus.
- It has character.
Anya, what the hell you doing, baby?
Shit.
Victor's taking me out to apologize
for my birthday party.
But, I was planning to take you to
the Four Seasons today.
I booked a room... ahhh, a table.
Sorry.
Anya, come on, it's Victor, the
hiccup Freshman, for Christ sake.
Are you seriously choosing to go out
with some 15 year old loser -
- who's so not in your league,
over moi?
You can be such a jackass,
you know that?
- Let's go, Victor.
- Yeah.
If I hadn't just had a manicure
you'd be dead meat, hiccup boy!
Fine. I hope you two are very happy
together, in your...
...1915 get-out-and-push piece of
shit wheels.
Have fun at Dave and Buster's.
- So, that went well.
- Yeah, I guess that was that.
I, I...
Try it now.
Wow!
Um. The Queen Nefertiti Rose.
Named after the Roman Queen.
Your pink-white, and your white,
and your white pink...
- So, where are you taking me?
- You'll see.
- Hi, we'd like to ah....
- Mr. Victor Knudsen, I presume?
- Yeah...
- Everything is ready, sir.
- Just like you requested.
- Requested?
Oh, Victor, it's absolutely amazing!
How romantic!
- Yeah, well....
- I wanna row!
I'm glad everything is to
the young lady's liking.
The rest is in your hands.
Come on, let's follow 'em.
Maybe we'll get to see some live porn.
No man, he's on his own now.
It's so romantic.
Oh, it's so romantic, boo-boo.
You know what's,
what's romantic here?
I like cheese fries.
I want some cheese fries.
Let's get some cheese fries.
Really? Cheese fries are fat.
My family and I used to come here
when I was a kid.
It's gorgeous. I never knew
this place existed.
I'm sorry for what Peter said
earlier.
It's okay. He's right.
It's a piece of shit car.
No, I mean; you're not a loser.
And I'm not out of your league.
You're not?
I just wanted to make sure
that's clear.
Victor?
Have you ever done it?
Done what?
You know..."lt"?
Oh, oh, it! Yeah, sure, of course...
All the time... Who hasn't?
No.
Do you.... Maybe want to?
With me?
Here?
No, silly. My parents play cards
on Wednesdays.
Oh, I know.
You do?
You could come by around 8.
Eight? I can do 8, yeah!
And bring something with you.
If you know what I mean.
Right. Right. Something.
Sure.
I'm the king of the world!!
Good day, young man, haven't seen
you before. How may I help you?
My Miniature Pony?
Yeah, it's for my little br...
sister!
Anything else I can get for you?
Yeah, I, I really need some cond...
some, some cond...
...some condensed milk.
Condensed milk? Alright.
- Is that all?
- No, no, I, I, I need some cond...
- Some cond....
- Cond?
Condoms...
- I, I mean some rubb....
- Rub what?
Some ru... bbing alcohol.
Rubbing alcohol.
Hm hum. Yep, that, that's the stuff.
And I really need some cond...
Some co... Ca, Ca, Castillo's, Cas,
Castello's.
Those.
How old are you?
Oh, no, I wouldn't
touch those things.
- They're for my dad.
- Ahh, someone's having a party...
Yo, Victor. Whatcha doing?
Didn't look like a Havana.
You wanna make 5 bucks?
Not really, but I wouldn't mind
making 20.
And what may I get for you today,
son?
I'd like to buy some jimmy hats.
I'm sorry I'm not familiar with
the name. What may they be?
Dingers, johnnies, gloves.
The thing you need when
you're banging a chick, of course.
Oh, my!
I suppose you mean condoms,
my young fellow?
Duh, what are you deaf?
Rubbers with colors.
And you don't suppose you're a bit
too young for that sort of thing?
I don't think so mister, the fat
one's getting hairy already.
I'm sorry, are you feeling alright,
ma'am?
I just need to lean up against
something.
Or should I rather buy
the ribbed ones?
They're supposed
to prolong the pleasure.
Listen, kid. We only have normal
kinds, no colors, knobs or flavors!
Alright, I'll make do with the
smooth ones. A carton of Trojans.
A carton? Are you completely
out of your mind, kid?
There's 200 in a carton!!
Yeah, I'm spending
the entire weekend with her -
- and she's a lush one so...
Alrighty then, give me two.
- Two cartons?
- No, just two.
I can always
flip them over and reuse.
- Four-fifty.
- Keep the change.
You wouldn't happen to have
a dressing room out back, -
- just so I can
try them on for size?
Get out!
I can't believe my brother's
actually gonna get some.
It'll make great footage.
It's gotta be possible to paint
the rain coats with luminous paint.
So we can see the action in details.
Not necessary, my man, this baby's
got night vision!
Nice. Not sure how well the film will
sell with a "happy ending" though.
Yeah. Right now Victor's
the only one who'll get one.
- We need more drama.
- Perhaps we can think of something.
Would you mind sharing
what you just said with the class?
Yeah, sure thing Mrs. T.
It was about my gang bang with
three playmates last weekend....
Alright! That's quite enough
sharing, Zack!
Hey, you wanted to know. I also
showed the chicks my trapeze stunt...
Principal's office! Both out you!
Now!
Yeah, we gotta bounce anyway.
Our bitches are waiting.
We out.
Hello baby!! Your man is back!
What did you smoke today?
Oh, good evening Mr. Benton, Sir.
Call me Roger, Spider man.
Did you bring us any other
dangerous animals this time?
Not tonight, Mr. Benton.
Oooh!
Roger.
Too bad. Still no Hugo.
Come on, I'll take you
up to Anya's room.
You two are working on a science
project for school tonight?
Yeah. Yeah. For... science class.
Okay.
Hi!
Hey.
I'm almost done.
And... I'm done.
So, aren't your parents
gonna play cards tonight?
I don't think so.
They actually asked
if we could watch Brian tonight.
Hope that's
okay with you.
Sure. Sure, yeah,
that's, that's fine.
Gotcha! They leave in 10 minutes!
That is not even funny.
No.... Okay...
Stop!
Hey, there.
Just wanted to let you two know
that we're leaving.
- Okay, see you.
- Bye.
Get some work done.
We'll be back shortly.
Have fun! Live free.
So?
So...
You want a glass of milk?
To break the ice?
Only if it's whole milk.
Now that we've got that
taken care of....
...do you wanna go back to my room?
Can you turn off the lights?
Maybe it's a little too dark.
No, it isn't, it's okay.
Victor, what are you doing?
- I'm touching you.
- No, no, no, you're not!
- I thought it felt a little funny.
- Thanks for the compliment.
Are you ready
to get completely naked?
Victor, did you... bring something?
Of course.
One second.
Got it.
One second.
I can't get this piece of crap open.
Come...
Alright.
Is it on?
- Yeah, on my fingers.
- Relax.
It's my first time too, remember?
Yeah....
It was a lot easier putting it
on Ernie's fingers in sex-ED.
How in the... hell?
I have another one!
Okay.
Aren't we lucky, it has a manual.
"Roll slowly over erect penis".
How poetic.
Let me try.
"Erect penis".
That certainly isn't a problem.
Abracadabra...
Voil!
- My parents! Already?
- What?
Victor, that's my dress!
The bed, the bed.
Help me, help me make the bed.
I just don't think it's necessary!
She is 18 now, you know.
Hey kids. We're back.
- Hello.
- Hey.
So, have you two been, uh,
behaving yourselves?
What do you think, dad?
Well, your father seems to believe
that you are a responsible adult.
Victor, my man,
did you hit all the angles?
Okay, come on, Brian, time for bed.
Hey. That's a nice science project
there, guys. What is it?
- It's a...
- Lexington Hussil.
Hussil. A Lexington Hussil.
Oh, I see.
Victor, could I have a little chat
with you for a minute?
In the kitchen.
For Christ sakes, dad, does it have
to be right now?
It's, it's fine. It's, it's fine.
Victor!
- Where did the other one go?
- I didn't have a chance to take it off!
Cheers.
One has to be careful
not to sit down on Hugo.
Still haven't found that little bugger.
You know, Victor,
it's become clear to me that...
...my daughter likes you very much
and you like her, and...
Constance and I think that
you're just ah, well, you know...
In fact, you remind me very much of
myself when I was your age.
Always going after the hot, older gal.
So, I hope that the two of you,
you know, could be togetherfor....
- At least some time.
- So do I, sir.
Yeah. So, I understand that the two of
you wanna have sex with each other.
No. Hey, relax, -
- it's, you know it's completely
natural. Completely natural.
At your ages, you know. Even at
my age, I like to have it occasionally.
Mostly with my wife.
I'm in the cut-throat world
of advertising, alright?
It's kill or be killed.
We're working on a big campaign now,
spending millions of dollars in fact, -
- to get young people to understand
that protection can be "hip".
And that it's important forthem
to have a condom on them -
- every time
they leave their home.
Well, I don't mean on them,
of course...
- No.
- But with them.
You know, in their wallet,
or their pocket, -
- it doesn't matter where, as
long as they have the darn thing.
So, can I ask you a personal question?
Of course. Yeah.
How often
do you have a rubber on you?
Well I, I, I just started having one....
...on me, recently.
...you know, everyone's so liberated
now that it's important to have one...
...on you, with you.
Oh, I'm glad to hearthat, Victor.
You know, you're adults now, -
- and that comes
with some responsibilities.
Of course.
I'm glad you have such a good head
forthese things.
- Want another drink for the road?
- Yes, sir.
Well, I'm glad we had this talk son.
Me too, sir.
Ow, alright.
- That's cool.
- Yeah.
- Sorry about my dad.
- It's all good.
Your dad and I understand each other.
So, do you wanna do something after
school tomorrow?
I actually have
to hang out with Marisa.
Oh. Alright.
- You should come.
- With Marissa?!
You'll grow on her. Like a cactus.
Good night, Victor.
Sweet dreams...
- Whatup?
- I think I have an idea for our ending.
Nice...
How the hell does
he forget to take it off?
I don't know,
we both completely panicked.
You'll never get your cherry popped
if you keep hanging with that kid!
I don't know about that.
It was pretty damn close.
Besides I really like him.
I mean he's, he's sweet, and sincere,
and...
Victor!
Baby, Oh, I missed you so much.
Why haven't you called me back?
Are you still dating that old hag?
Victor, what the hell are you doing?!
I... I don't, I don't know! Who are you?
Good one. I'll see you tomorrow, stud.
Anya, I don't know what's going on...
Well, I do! What, you
just wanted to show off -
- in front of your stupid
Freshmen friends, didn't you?
- No, I, I would never...
- Was I some sort of bet or something?
Not at all!
Since you didn't "get any" last night,
you're done with me, is that it?
- Would you listen to me?
- Don't touch me!
Anya!
- Leave me alone!
- You, bastard!
But... I love you.
- Oh, that looks great!
- Well, they travel, you know.
Look. He's a little fat, but you know,
for what this has...
Victor, are you alright?
- You look terrible.
- Honey, what's wrong?
- Oh, is it Anya?
- Has she fallen for someone else?
Christian!!
It doesn't matter. It's no use.
- Why are you so dumb?
- Me?
- No. Men!
- Oh, men. Yeah, I know, honey.
I guess we just sometimes
do the wrong thing, Anya.
I thought, I thought he loved me, Dad.
Oh, baby, maybe he does,
but he's young.
He may not know how to express it,
that's all.
We all make mistakes, sweetheart.
Why did your mother have to go
to ballet tonight of all nights?
Oh, baby, don't.
Come on, come on, come on.
I put extra marshmallows in it, so
you could drown your sorrows.
I guess there might be a chance
I'd get lucky enough to choke and die.
Now tell me what happened?
Anya and I are done
and my life is totally over.
Nonsense. Of course
your life isn't over.
It is! Nothing else matters
in this world.
And she won't even listen to me.
You just need to rest and you'll see.
The world will look a lot brighter
in the morning, I promise.
Rise and shine, playboy.
We got something you're gonna love.
Go away!
I know it isn't blue ray, but still,
I think you wanna see this.
We shot a masterpiece,
a film about you and Anya.
Why don't we show you a clip,
so you can see for yourself.
If you can afford it, of course.
- I'll fast forward a bit.
- Shouldn't we call his bank first?
Nice work bro, I personally never
thought you had it in you.
You little bastards!
Hold your horses and watch this...
Open it.
Oooooh!
You think that was bad?
Watch this!
- Okay, but why would I do it?
- Lisa, you're my favorite cousin.
And... I'll pay you 100 dollars.
And a night out on the town
with my favorite cousin?
I can't believe this!
Wait. How did Peter even know where
we would be yesterday?
- Why didn't you tell me right away?
- We are businessmen after all.
And we had to finish the cut first.
Atrue artist never shows
his work until it is finished.
So bro, what will you pay for it?
We gotta start remembering to get
our blackmail money up front!
Dude, all I got from him was a text
saying his life was finished.
And he spelled finished
wrong.
Ernie, buddy,
I need to borrow your Vespa!
- What's going on, Vic, you ok?
- There's no time to explain.
It's a life or death
situation! Please!!
Well, alright, alright.
Take a chill pill.
So look, the ah,
the blinkers are here and, -
- this is a visorfor yourface,
gas.
Vic, most importantly, the brake.
- Okay, yeah, whatever.
But how do I start this damn thing?
Perhaps you're better off
having your dad mail you in, -
- that way you'll get
there a little faster.
- Ernie, start it up!!
- Damn! Someone's got their period!
Do it.
Hey, Vic, be careful, the brakes
aren't what they used to be!
Oh! Damn!
Ahhh!
On the third day of high school I, -
- Victor Knudsen,
was hit by an epidemic.
And we're not talking
chicken pox or the flu.
Nope, we're talking a case of total, -
- incurable "Anya- itis".
And I Victor Knudsen, didn't live.
Goodbye Anya, my love.
Anya?
Is it really you?
Hey, you.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
I was just so hurt
when I saw that girl kissing you.
But, how did you know?
I saw the film.
You did?
Zack and Brian had an extra copy.
Actually, they have
quite a few copies.
We may have to make
it worth their while, -
- so we don't end up on
YouTube...
At least some of the footage
was used for something good.
Oh, my God!
This is gonna be good!
What the fuck?!
- Pervert Peter!
- Pervert!
But, she was only my third cousin!!
Bye! Bye, Peter, we'll miss you.
I brought you a cactus.
Oh! Thanks.
Anya, if I make it...
...do you think
I could come over again?
On a Wednesday?
Seriously. I'm pretty sure
you're gonna make it.
And to hell with Wednesdays.
My parents are gone this weekend, -
- so we'll have
the entire house to ourselves.
But, what would we do
all weekend long?
But, what about my leg?
Victor, I'm pretty sure you don't
really need your leg to do it.
You really never give up, do you?
Oh, Victor will be so sorry
he didn't pay us for that footage.
And my sisterfound the stash
of DVDs and destroyed them all.
Plus all the hidden cameras
in her room.
What's that flashing red light?
Don't tell me you didn't charge
the battery again!
- It was your turn!
- Shiiiit!
- Gimme a break!
- No, no, no, no, no! Damn