1
(indistinct conversations)
(The "Oogum Boogum"
song playing)
SIMON: I'm just like you.
For the most part,
my life is totally normal.
- Happy birthday.
- No!
SIMON: My dad was the annoyingly
handsome quarterback
who married
the hot valedictorian.
And, no, they didn't peak
in high school.
- (car door closes)
- (horn honks)
I have a sister
I actually like.
Not that I'd ever
tell her that.
And last year,
and 200 episodes
of Chopped ago...
she decided
she wanted to be a chef.
Which means we're pretty much
all her test subjects now.
Cute mini skirt
With your brother's
sloppy shirt
I admit it girl,
That I can dig it
EMILY: Is it spicy, Jack?
- (spits)
- Oh! Gracious. Oh, my gosh.
SIMON: And then
there's my friends.
Two of them, I've known
since pretty much
the beginning of time.
- Or at least kindergarten.
- No. No.
- LEAH: Oh! Sorry!
- Okay. How 'bout that?
(crowd cheering)
One of them,
I just met a few months ago,
but it feels
like I've known her forever.
We do everything friends do.
We drink way too much
iced coffee,
watch bad '90s movies
and hang out at Waffle House
dreaming of college
and gorging on carbs.
(cheering continues)
You got me doin' funny things
Like a clown
Just look at me
When you wear
Your bell-bottom pants...
SIMON: So, like I said.
I'm just like you.
I have a totally,
perfectly normal life.
Except I have
one huge-ass secret.
Now go on
With your bad self
Ooh, ooh, now mercy,
Mercy on me
- (knocking on door)
- Hey! Morning! Oh!
- Hey!
- Sorry.
I didn't realize
you were masturbating.
Yeah, very funny.
Your sister's downstairs
making some
la-di-da pancake thing
she saw on Top Chef,
so we should
probably go eat that.
Great. I'll be down
in just a second.
Okay. Right after you finish
searching the internet for...
lingerie photos of Gigi Habib?
(scoffs)
It's Hadid.
Right. I didn't realize
she was your girlfriend.
All right, finish up here.
You got me.
(indistinct chatter)
- Morning, guys.
- Simon, have a seat, honey.
- Morning, Simon.
- You gotta eat your breakfast.
Please don't tell me
that breakfast is the most
important meal of the day
because that is just so clich.
You're better than that.
I was gonna say breakfast
lowers LDL cholesterol
and prevents
fluctuating glucose levels
- that lead to type two diabetes.
- Oh!
Touch.
Nora. These are incredible.
Cornmeal pancakes
with blackberry compote.
But they're not crumbly enough.
Stop it. They're perfect.
(Nora sighs)
Eat up, Bieber.
- See you, guys.
- JACK: See you, Simon.
EMILY: Hey, honey. Be back
by seven! It's TV night.
(leaf blower whirs)
Hey!
Morning!
It's Simon! I live right here!
I like your boots!
Okay, bye!
- (sighs)
- (horn honks)
God damn.
("Rollercoaster" playing)
It was summer
When I saw your face
Looked like a teenage
Runaway...
- Yo!
- Yo!
Had the craziest dream
last night.
Hey, Nick, you have the
craziest dream every night.
NICK: You don't understand.
I'm in this cave, right?
Or maybe it's in outer space.
David Beckham is there
with these two contact lenses
and then like, blue one or
red one, like he's a sexy
Morpheus from Matrix.
And I don't know
which one to pick.
I don't know what to do
with these things.
Oh, my God. Have you guys seen
Creek Secrets today?
First of all, you are obsessed
with that blog, so...
LEAH: Okay, but apparently,
Becca Peterson
got caught giving
Ryan O'Donovan,
an HJ in the pool.
That's the real reason
they drained it.
Man, our janitor needs a raise.
LEAH: Oh, my God.
- And an HPV vaccine.
- (Nick laughs)
NICK: Leah, I have this dream,
right?
LEAH: Nick, we have a rule,
remember?
No analyzing dreams
before coffee.
(indistinct chatter)
Hi, could we get
four iced coffees, please?
Oh, could you get Abby's
with milk? She likes milk.
- One with milk.
- What are you, her barista?
(chuckles) It's not hard
to remember "with milk."
SIMON: Thank you.
Hey I'm never the same
It's a hundred miles an hour
On a dirt road running away
ABBY: Hey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
(gasps) Oh, thank you.
I am figuratively dying.
So, Abby, last night I dreamt
I put the wrong contacts
in my eyes.
- Another dream. You're like...
- SIMON: Hmm.
You're like the love child of
Sigmund Freud
and Cristiano Ronaldo.
- Oh, my God.
- Thanks.
Now, look. I can't see anything
and I'm stumbling around
in this cave,
crashing into stuff,
and then, I wake up.
- That's it?
- NICK: Yeah.
Maybe it's something that
you're not seeing clearly.
Like something that's, like,
right in front of your face.
What am I not seeing?
(exhales)
No idea.
("Love me" playing)
Ooh! Ooh!
(indistinct chatter)
Hey, would you like to
Look outside sometimes?
No
I'm just
With my friends online
And there's things
We'd like to change...
We should be hot Pokmon
for Halloween.
Oh, yeah.
But I get to be
slutty Charmander.
Cool scarf, Ethan.
Hope it doesn't get caught
in your vagina.
Great choice on
the cargo pants, by the way.
It looks like you got
gangbanged by a T.J. Maxx.
Whatever, fag.
(laughs)
ETHAN: Honestly, it's just
not even a challenge anymore.
LEAH: Dicks.
Wish Ethan wouldn't make it
so easy for them.
Yeah, well, at my old school,
that would have been settled
with a knife fight.
- (bell rings)
- Good morning, Creekwood High!
Come on, phones off!
There's a whole world
to look at!
You can look people
in the eyes!
(groans)
Gah! Yeah.
Stop with the selfies.
You're not all that.
- I'll see you guys at lunch.
- Yeah.
Wow! Simonay.
Look at those new kicks,
my brother.
Where'd you get those? Where
could I get a pair of those?
- I forget. Sorry.
- You forget?
Come on, you gotta let me
know the brand!
I want to be sneaker brothers.
Oh, I see more phones!
Who took your phones now?
Me! Me! Me took your phones now!
You can get 'em at my office!
I can't believe we have to be
off book, in like, two weeks.
Seriously, Sally Bowles
never shuts the eff up.
SIMON: Don't you wish
you were talentless like me?
Here. Let me show you
a thing or two.
SIMON: Because then you could
just be living the easy life
as company member
number eight.
(Abby laughs)
Well, well, well...
If it isn't my fellow thespians.
Hey, Martin.
Hey, Spier. Hey, Abby.
Hi.
Excited to rehearse
with you later.
Hey, uh, so, fun fact.
You know that Cabaret
was actually based off a play
called I Am Camera?
Then I Am a Camera
was based off
this novel called
Goodbye to Berlin.
And Goodbye to Berlin
was actually based off
Christopher Isherwood's
- early years in Berlin.
- (bell rings)
Wow. That's awesome.
I have homeroom.
Yeah. All right.
Well, I think she
found that interesting.
Bye, Martin.
Bye, big boy.
(chuckles)
Suraj! Now.
Come on. You know the drill.
EMILY: I've had an inspiration.
How about The Affair?
No. No. We cannot watch
The Affair as a family.
- Why not?
- Because it's all about sex.
Oh, well, God forbid we should
watch people make love.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
You guys are so repressed.
Don't therapize us, okay?
We are not your patients.
- We're your family.
- EMILY: That's true.
If you were my patients, you'd
be much more well-adjusted.
- Oh. Nice therapy burn, baby.
- Thank you.
- She got you.
- You know what?
We didn't see last week's
episode of The Bachelor.
Yeah, how did that guy
even become the bachelor?
Why?
Well, he's clearly gay.
- NORA: No, he's not.
- Really?
- He's handsome.
- That date,
where he took the girl to
the "make your
own perfume" place?
Dad! The producers
plan those dates.
He is so fruity.
He's so fruity.
He's a one-man pride parade.
Are you kidding me?
- He has more chemistry
- Just stop it.
with Chris Harrison,
than any of those girls.
(whispers) After this, I gotta
show you something.
Okay?
Let's watch The Americans.
EMILY: Every single episode,
you here next to me.
So your mother decided
that we should make
each other anniversary
presents this year.
You know, so they came
from the heart, or some crap.
Anyway, I decided to come up
with this bad boy.
Look at this.
I present to you,
a Jack Spier production.
- (mouse clicks)
- ("Heaven" playing)
I don't need to be the king
Of the world
Wait, wait.
Look at that!
Oh, it's so good.
As long as I'm the hero
Of this little girl
Look at this.
Wait, wait, wait.
Heaven isn't too far away
SIMON: Yup. Okay.
(stops video)
What are you...
Look, this is your
20th anniversary,
so I'm gonna be super real
with you right now.
This looks
like a fourth grader made it.
And not even the smartest
fourth grader in the class.
Just, like,
a deeply average fourth grader.
What are you talking about?
This is amazing.
I got fade-ins.
I got dissolves.
- This is beautiful.
- Get up for a second.
I'll help you. Trust me.
We can make this good.
We just gotta put in...
you know, some home video.
Maybe put in some better music.
"Better music"? This was huge
when we were young.
Yeah. So was Bill Cosby.
("Waterloo Sunset" playing)
(cell phone ringing)
Hey.
Have you seen the new post?
No. What? Oh, my God.
You know, I'm never getting
back in that pool again.
Wait, no. About the closeted
gay kid at school.
What?
LEAH:
Yeah, it's on Creek Secrets.
People so busy
Makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines
So bright...
- Who do you think it is?
- (exhales)
I bet it's that sophomore
with the rimless glasses.
I get a vibe.
- Actually.
- Hmm.
Maybe it's Parker O'Malley.
I've heard he's, like,
obsessed with Les Mis.
Oh, gosh. Jeez. I gotta go.
Bieber just took a dump
on the floor.
LEAH: Aw, Beebs.
- Feed him some rice...
- Can I call you back?
SIMON: "Sometimes, I feel like
I'm stuck on a Ferris wheel.
One minute I'm on
top of the world,
and the next,
I'm at rock bottom.
Over and over, all day long.
Because a lot of my life
is great,
but nobody knows I'm gay.
Blue."
(exhales)
As long as I gaze
on Waterloo sunset
I am in paradise
Every day I look at the world
From my window
But chilly, chilly
Is the evening time
Waterloo sunset's fine
Waterloo sunset's fine
Terry meets Julie
Waterloo Station
Every Friday night
(clears throat)
But I am so lazy
Don't want to wander...
Blue. Okay.
(exhales)
But I don't feel afraid
SIMON: Dear Blue,
I'm just like you.
For the most part,
my life is totally normal.
My dad was the annoyingly
handsome quarterback
who married
the hot valedictorian.
And no, they didn't peak
in high school.
I have a sister
I actually like.
Not that I'd
ever tell her that.
And then, there's my friends.
We do everything friends do.
We drink way too much...
So, like I said,
I'm just like you.
I have a totally,
perfectly normal life.
Except I have one
huge-ass secret.
As long as they gaze on
Waterloo sunset
They are in paradise
Jacques.
Waterloo sunset's fine
Waterloo sunset's fine
(panting)
Hey. Morning.
(cell phone chimes)
(sighs)
Nothin'.
TEACHER: Math is what
we're talking about.
Can anyone answer for me
how we find the value
of "d-y by d-x" that I have
written up on the board?
Does anyone want to...
Yes! Simon.
Can I go to the bathroom?
Sure, it's fine.
Thanks.
(sighs)
Simon. Simon.
- Yeah.
- Can I get some fries?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
GARRETT: I'm telling you,
the Oakwood Tigers
score so many goals
because they shave their legs.
Garrett, I'm not gonna
shave my legs.
It makes their kicks
more aerodynamic.
We can just do
extra burpees, man.
Whatever, Bram.
Guys, I just found
a press-on nail in my salad.
BOTH: Debbie.
(indistinct chatter)
Why is there no cell reception
at this school?
I swear to God.
- Simonay, Simonay.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
You can't text in the halls.
How many times
have I told you that?
I can't have all my students
Tindering it up.
That's my department.
- Right.
- (laughing)
It actually is.
I got a really hot date
on Tinder tonight.
She is cute!
"Ew! Vice principals can't go
on dates. That's gross."
We're people too, Simon.
We like to go out.
We like to have a good time.
We like to have sex.
That's not a big deal, right?
Yeah, no. No biggie at all.
Actually. You know,
I totally see you as a person.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
- Seriously.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Could I just get
my phone though?
No. Unfortunately, I'm gonna
have to keep it
until after play practice.
But you will get your precious
after play practice, okay?
I promise.
So how's play practice going?
- SIMON: Great. Yeah, it's...
- MR. WORTH: How's Ms. Albright?
SIMON: She's good.
MR. WORTH: She's good?
She doesn't like men.
Willkommen, bienvenue
Welcome im cabaret
(laughs)
Au cabaret, to cabaret
[claps]
Okay.
Those aren't actual claps.
My hands are tired! (chuckles)
Okay! All right.
That was...
Cal, help me. That was...
That was a start?
That was a start!
Is what it was.
That was a start.
You know, when Mr. Worth
told me that no student,
regardless of talent...
(chuckles)
...was to be left out of
my production, I had my doubts.
Yes, I did.
(chuckles)
Yeah.
That's it.
That's my whole speech.
TAYLOR: Ms. Albright.
Hi. That was
the biggest train wreck
our stage has ever seen.
And Rob and Brianne
were practically dry
humping the whole song.
MS. ALBRIGHT: Oh, I saw.
Save the kissing
for the cast party. All right?
This is war. You're Nazis.
Okay? More anger.
Suraj, stop pretending
that trumpet is your penis!
- My boy.
- (all laughing)
It is a rental.
I was an extra
in The Lion King,
and this is where I am.
Hey. What time is it?
Ten minutes since the last time
you asked. Go.
One! Two! Three! Four!
ABBY: Welcome...
MS. ALBRIGHT: I will kill you.
Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yo!
- Mr. Worth.
- Hey, what's up, my brother?
Hey, just here for my phone.
Oh, of course you are.
Of course you are.
How'd you enjoy
being unplugged?
It was great.
- Great, right?
- Yeah.
This isn't life, man.
This is plugged.
- This is unplugged.
- Mm-hmm.
Plugged. Unplugged.
All right, Simon, I know that
I'm hard on you. I really do.
SIMON: Mm-hmm.
But it's only 'cause I really
see myself in you.
Uh... You know, I don't know
if I'd say that.
No, I see it, it's obvious.
It's obvious.
I know there's a lot
- going on there, man.
- Yup.
And I bet you got
a lot of questions.
Is there something
you wanna say to me?
No.
You know my policy.
What does it say?
- "Open door. Open ears."
- "Open door. Open ears."
There's nothing
you want to say?
- Nope.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- It's a great sign though.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Now don't text and drive.
That's how my cat
got murdered.
- Okay.
- (laughs)
I'm just kidding.
I don't have cats. I got asthma.
(sighs)
BLUE: A secret, huh?
Is it the same as my secret?
If it is, when did you know?
- Have you told anyone? Blue.
- (horn honking)
Okay.
SIMON: No, Blue.
I haven't told anyone.
And, honestly, I can't even
really explain why.
Deep down, I know my family
would be fine with it.
Hey, what rhymes
with "patriarchy"?
That says "patriachy" though.
Oh, shit.
SIMON: My mom's about
as liberal as they come.
And my dad isn't exactly
the macho type.
I mean, Creekwood's resident
out-gay kid
seems to be doing just fine.
When Ethan came out,
no one even cared.
Guys, I have something
to tell you.
I'm gay.
Wow, really?
That's really great, Ethan.
Oh, my God. No way.
Oh, my God, you are?
I had no idea.
What a complete surprise!
Too much, Claire.
SIMON: As for how I knew
I was gay,
it was a bunch of
little things.
Like this one recurring dream
I kept having
about Daniel Radcliffe.
And then proceeded to have
every night for a month.
I was obsessed
with Panic! at the Disco.
I can't. He's so cute.
He's so cute.
(clears throat)
Come on,
he's like Jesus and chocolate.
Just look at him.
SIMON: Then I realized
it really wasn't
about the music.
And then there was
my first girlfriend.
I think I'm falling
in love with you.
Wow. Thank you. Be right back.
Wasn't my proudest moment.
How 'bout you?
How did you know?
Warmly, Jacques.
Fondly, Jacques.
Jacques.
(cell phone chimes)
BLUE: Jacques, don't worry.
If your proudest moment
happened in middle school,
that would be pretty sad.
For me, I realized I liked guys
watching Game of Thrones.
My friends were all
holding their breath
waiting to see
the Dragon Princess's boobs.
I was crushing hard
on Jon Snow.
SIMON: Well,
I've never told anyone
about my Daniel Radcliffe phase
so now we're even.
And for the record,
I think Jon Snow
is an excellent choice
for your sexual awakening.
So I guess, if I want
to find you at school
I just have to look for
the Game of Thrones fanatic.
Wow.
I was just listening to that
M83 song "Reunion,"
and it made me think of you.
BLUE: You'll probably think
my music taste is lame.
Kind of have the same taste
as my Aunt Sally
who loves show tunes.
Obviously, some of the things
I've told you about myself
are things I've never
talked about with anyone.
There's something about you
that makes me want to open up.
And that's
slightly terrifying for me.
SIMON: So I've been thinking,
maybe I should be Jon Snow
for Halloween.
What about you?
Who are you gonna be?
BLUE: I'm not dressing up.
For me,
Halloween's all about
the Oreos
with the orange frosting
in the middle.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey.
Wow. Look at that smile.
You're glowing, man.
No.
You are glowing.
You look happy.
Oh, just regular.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Me too. I'm a little meh.
Why "meh"?
Oh, I had my big Tinder date
last night. Oh, God.
She was not into it.
(chuckles)
At. All.
(bell ringing)
- Oh, come on. Too soon.
- No.
The bell is a buzzkill.
- See you, Mr. Worth.
- All right.
(Simon sighs)
Well, thank you
for your help, Frulein.
You're welcome.
German accent for Cabaret.
Yup. Take care, Ms. Bradley.
Ladies.
Let's see what you got,
interwebs.
LEAH: Here are
your burnt tots,
because you have
horrible taste.
SIMON: Here's your
green banana,
because you like
disgusting things.
Wow, you guys are weird.
Yup. They're practically
Cantonese twins.
- Siamese.
- Yeah. Siamese.
Yeah, agree to disagree.
I don't think
that's one of those things
where you can
agree to disagree.
- ...disagree.
- It's just right.
NICK: To each his own.
BRAM: Oreos.
Man, I love those.
Halloween ones
are the best, right?
Yeah.
Er, so, guys, I have great news.
My aunt's boyfriend
just took off
with her car
and all her jewelry.
Bram, that's terrible news!
I know, but it's like,
the third time
it's happened to her.
She has really bad taste in men.
Anyways, my mom is going down
to Orlando to deal with it
which means I get to throw
a Halloween party.
- Awesome!
- Yay!
Nice!
Thank you,
Bram's dumb-ass aunt!
All right, this is
gonna be epic, you guys.
I can bring
my karaoke machine.
All right, hey, guys,
Halloween party Friday night!
Friday night, Halloween party,
okay? Bram's house!
You really set this
in motion, man.
I know, right?
- Hey, little guy.
- Me?
Halloween party. Friday night.
Bram's house. Be there.
You're gonna
freak him out, man.
GARRETT: Yeah.
LEAH: I know.
He's, like, nine years old.
BLUE: Very relieved that
we're in agreement on Oreos.
That would have been
a deal-breaker for me.
On a totally different,
non-cookie related note...
is it weird that I have no idea
what you look like,
but I can't stop thinking
about kissing you.
TEACHER: Simon. Simon.
Eyes on your own test.
Don't stop on my account,
Rob and Brianne.
That's the most action
I've seen in weeks.
What do we got here? Ah!
When we're done,
it's gonna look
like a real German sex club.
Don't ask me how I know.
Hey! Hey! The spray paint
is for painting,
not for huffing.
You don't want
to get good at that.
Okay, do you guys think
I should dye my hair grey
- to play Frulein Schneider?
- Sure.
TAYLOR: Really? But my hair
is kind of like my thing.
I'm gonna go get a soda.
Do you want anything?
No.
MS. ALBRIGHT: You disgust me.
Simon! Hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, Martin.
- Buddy.
Hey, um, I used the computer
in the library right after you.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I went to Gmail,
and it pulled up your account.
And I, uh, read
some of your emails.
I know
I probably shouldn't've,
but they were, like,
right there. (chuckles)
So you'll be interested
to know my brother's gay.
No. Martin, that wouldn't
interest me to know.
Okay. Don't worry.
I won't show anyone.
Show anyone what?
Did you print my emails
or something?
Oh, no, no. (chuckles)
I screenshot them.
- You screenshotted my emails?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Let me talk to you for a second.
- Oh, Ms. Bradley.
- MS. BRADLEY: Hello, Martin.
- Did you feather your hair?
- No.
MARTIN: Looking good.
This is a good section.
MARTIN: Jeez.
Now, why the hell
did you screenshot my emails?
Ah, well, you and Abby Susso
are good friends. Right?
Yeah. We know each other.
What does that have to do
with anything?
Well, I need you to help me
talk with her...
and hang out with her
and stuff, you know?
Why would I help you do that?
Are you blackmailing me?
Oh, shh! Okay. Don't be
so dramatic here, Simon.
SIMON: Sup, Tyler?
MARTIN: What's up, Tyler?
Is that a Patagonia?
Nice. I just like her.
And I think
that you could help me.
Yeah, what if I say no, Martin?
I mean, what are you gonna do?
You gonna tell the whole school
that I'm...
You're gonna leak my emails?
You're gonna post 'em
on CreekSecrets?
I just think
that we're in a position here,
where we could help
each other out is all.
So think about it.
Good talk.
You know, I never thought
of a pepper
- as being a vegetable...
- (cell phone chimes)
...but it makes perfect sense.
EMILY: I like the cilantro.
A little Mexican flair, huh?
JACK: Very creative, kiddo.
You hate the peppers.
Don't you?
No. The peppers are great.
I'm just gonna get some air.
BRAM: Jacques, I have to get
something off my chest.
The other day, you asked me
what I was wearing
for Halloween
and I said
I wasn't dressing up.
I lied. Truth is,
I didn't want you to know
what I was wearing
because I don't want you
to know who I am.
Right now, these emails,
they feel like
this totally safe place.
I'm just not ready
for my whole world to change.
I hope you understand.
(indistinct conversation)
SIMON: Yes, Blue. I understand.
(sniffing)
Okay, if you want me
to help you with Abby,
you cannot eat that.
So you're gonna help me?
Yeah.
(chuckles)
Simon, that is fantastic news.
I really think that Abby and I
are meant to be together.
- Really? Do you?
- Mm-hmm.
It's not all about looks, Simon.
Okay. So you're banking
on your great,
blackmaily personality
to get the job done?
- Where are we going?
- Your place.
We're gonna see
if you have anything
that doesn't scream,
"punch me."
Actually, I've got swim lessons.
Cancel it!
MARTIN: Okay, I just have to
call my mom first.
She has to approve everybody
that comes in the house.
All right. Here we go.
All right. And here we are.
This is where the magic happens.
Wow.
Ooh. Correction. (chuckles)
This is where the magic happens.
I've been dabbling
in close-up illusions.
Does Abby like magic?
No. Martin, I don't think
she does like magic.
But, um,
there's a really thin line
between laughing with someone,
and laughing at someone.
And you are that line.
So,
if you want Abby to like you,
what you have to do
is you have to
make her see you
as more of a...
As sexy Martin!
Yeah! Yeah, I could be sexy.
You like dudes. Tell me.
What part of me
do you find the hottest?
- No. I'm not doing this.
- No. Come on.
No, Martin.
I don't want to answer that.
Look, if you said my shoulders
I would dress to accentuate.
You know?
You know what?
Here's your first tip.
Ripped.
Girls, they don't want
to read your clothes.
I think you're wrong
about that one.
How many of these do you have?
Please, just stop! Hey! Stop!
Look, I don't want your help
in changing me.
I want your help in getting
Abby to like me for me.
Look. Um...
there's a party this Saturday.
At Bram's.
Do you want to go
with my friends and I?
Yes!
Yes! So simple.
Must be why
they call you Simple Simon.
Nobody calls me that, Martin.
Hey, uh, do you want to,
like, sleep over?
SIMON: Nope.
Oh, hello.
Hey, what's up?
- Nice, right?
- LEAH: Nick.
Good?
This is, like, a new level of
laziness, even for you.
What do you mean?
I'm Cristiano Ronaldo.
And you couldn't
even be bothered
to fill in the letters
on the back?
No, come on. Give me that.
- You are a bully.
- (laughs)
(In a British accent) Hey. Don't
talk about Yoko that way, man.
Because if you do,
you're out of the band.
Who are you guys
supposed to be?
John Lennon and Yoko Ono.
Oh! I thought she was the girl
from The Ring,
and you were Jesus.
Jesus? No. Why would Jesus be
wearing a white suit?
I don't know. You tell me.
You're the one who decided to
dress up like fancy Jesus.
Oh, my God. Okay. Come here.
- Turn around.
- I'm here.
- Turn around.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Is it good?
- Way better.
- Is it?
Yeah. Now, we need to do
something about this hair.
Maybe slick it back?
NICK: It doesn't do that.
It doesn't slick back.
Wonder Woman in the hizzy!
NICK: Hi!
I made up a catchphrase,
'cause Wonder Woman
doesn't have one.
"Hizzy" means house.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Oh, Abby, you look amazing.
Thank you!
Yeah. You look awesome.
I'm gonna go make
those frozen pizzas.
NICK: All right.
Yeah, I'll help.
That's a nice costume, for real.
Thank you.
What? Cristiano Ronaldo!
Nailed it.
Do you remember
when we went to school
dressed as Charlie's Angels?
Oh, my God, yes.
And Nick's balls fell out
of his booty shorts
when he, like, dropped down
to do the gun pose?
Mm. Do you miss
trick-or-treating?
What, you mean
instead of, like,
going to loud parties
pretending to like
the taste of beer
and feeling too self-conscious
to dance?
I don't know why
you feel self-conscious.
I mean, you are very clearly
the coolest person
at our school.
I'm pretty sure you're
the only one who feels that way.
But thank you.
(doorbell ringing)
Who's that?
I invited Martin.
- Martin Addison?
- (groans) Why?
Is this a Make-A-Wish situation?
(doorbell continues ringing)
No, he's cool.
Hey.
Oh, looking sharp.
What the...
- MARTIN: Guys.
- What are you supposed to be?
Isn't it obvious?
Ah! I'm a Freudian slip.
Abby. Wonder Woman.
NICK: Just pick a song already.
Hey, Nick, uh,
can you not rush me?
(laughing)
ABBY: Honestly, I can't
choose. There's so many.
That's like Netflix.
You know, trying to pick
a film on Netflix.
I'm like... (groans)
"Am I in an Apatow mood,
or am I in a Billy Wilder
mood?" You know?
Ooh, play Drake. Yes.
Uh, no. Drake is, like,
super played out at this point.
You can't play out a rap god.
Doesn't happen.
Impossible.
First of all,
he's not a rap god.
And second of all,
I'm looking for some Beyonc.
- Oh.
- I just can't find "Lemonade."
Hey. Here's an
interesting question.
I love Beyonc.
What makes you guys
feel nostalgic?
You do?
I mean, I think everybody
kinda likes Beyonc.
Grape soda makes me
feel very nostalgic.
- What are you talking about?
- What makes you feel nostalgic?
Hey, Abby.
I bet you're gonna have
the best costume tonight.
- Thanks.
- Nah, you're welcome.
(Martin mocking)
What the hell, Spier?
Hey, why is Nick
still flirting with Abby?
SIMON: I don't know, Martin.
Maybe you shouldn't have
worn a dress.
You look like a drag queen
rolled around
in magnetic poetry.
(music playing)
Hey, Abby!
Whenever you need a refill
of your drink,
I'll be
your designated bartender.
So don't worry.
Okay. Hey, Chloe, come here!
Yo, yo, yo!
Hey. John Lennon?
- Yeah. You got it.
- Nice.
And, um, Nick...
- You're Nick.
- No. No. I'm Ronaldo.
- Oh. My bad.
- Obviously.
Who are you supposed to be?
Oh. Uh... I am post-presidency
Barack Obama.
So I'm just chillin' in
Hawaii, drinking Mai Tais,
writing memoirs and hoping
Trump doesn't destroy
my legacy.
- (both chuckle)
- That's awesome.
Thanks. Now let's go
to the bar. Come on.
BOTH: Yeah.
Hell yeah.
(rapping) My name is
My sign is
- No, Garrett, no.
- My number is
You need to let it go
Need to let it go
Need to let it go
Nah to the ah
to the no, no, no...
Whatchu gonna say?
All right, we should
have a little toast.
No, thanks. I'm driving.
And Simon doesn't
really drink.
No, I drink. It's cool. I drink.
- All right, that's my man.
- NICK: Really?
You wouldn't even have a glass
of Manischewitz
at Leah's Seder.
It's Halloween, man.
It's a special occasion.
True that.
BOTH: Cheers.
(gagging)
- You okay?
- (coughing)
(dance music playing)
You're good at this.
You got this.
Abby is the hottest
Wonder Woman I have ever seen.
SIMON: Yeah.
The shit that I would let her
do to me with that lasso.
Oh, I know, man.
Just, like, tie me up
with that thing.
You're not into Abby, are you?
No, no, no.
I mean, it's not like I...
She's cute...
Yeah.
...but she's just not really
my type.
Not because she's black.
I love black women.
Not like, you know, I have
a thing for black women,
I just love all women.
- Oh, oh. Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh, hey.
- Hey! Oh, hey.
Hey. Mm.
- I'm gonna go ask her out.
- What? No.
- No? No?
- No.
- You can't ask Abby out.
- Why not?
Because. She didn't tell you
about Jonathan?
She didn't tell you about that?
- No.
- He's older.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- In college.
He's really experienced.
You know I've only had sex
once, right?
I know that.
You know,
it's like no one tells you
how dark everything is
and how slippery everything
gets, and, you know,
the parts you think
are the right parts
are actually
the wrong parts and...
All right, I'm gonna go eat
my feelings away.
Man, I'm sorry...
NICK: No, it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Whoa, whoa.
- BRAM: Hey, Simon!
- Hey.
Hey, you wanna play Beirut?
Yeah. Sure.
We just need two more people.
How about you and me,
and then, um...
I insist.
Abby and Martin?
- BRAM: Okay, cool.
- SIMON: Hey, Martin.
- MARTIN: Yeah.
- SIMON: Abby.
Let's play Beirut.
- No, I don't...
- Yeah. Let's do it.
Come on, let's go.
It'll be fun. It'll be fun.
Good old competition.
(chuckles)
- Ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
Beirut. Right?
- Yes!
- (sighs)
Okay. Have you ever played
Beirut before?
Uh, totally. Yeah.
Great. All right, so,
two reracks, no blowing
and two balls in the cup means
that you have to
take three, okay?
Okay. Cool.
I thought we were talking
about a different game.
We'll just explain
as we go. Okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay. Got it.
SIMON: Ready?
- Maybe you should take these...
- Oh.
- You'll see better. Right?
- Good idea. Yeah.
- All you.
- Raindrop!
MARTIN: Here we go, all right.
You got this one.
Oh, is that...
This is mine to drink?
God.
Oh!
All right.
ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug!
(imitates explosion)
Do we need a handshake?
Is that...
You get one of these in
and we can totally have
a handshake.
Fly it away. Fly it away.
Chug, chug, chug.
- MARTIN: Sweet!
- All right.
(belches)
As long as you love me
We could be starving
We could be homeless
We could be loved
As long as you love me
(all cheering)
Why can't I get
Just one screw
Baby, I know what to do
But something won't let me
Make love to you
Day after day
I get angry and I will say
Hey, Bram. It's me, Jacques.
Hey, Bram. I'm Jacques.
Hey, Barack. It's me, Jacques.
(sighs) Why did I pick Jacques?
BOY: Yeah, no problem.
(girls laughing)
("Monster Mash" playing)
Oh.
I'm sorry, I thought
this was the bathroom.
Sorry.
- I'm starting to get so tired!
- I am so tired.
Hey, Martin, not now, man.
All right?
I've had a big night.
Oh!
Really? Really?
(groans) I'm sorry.
- Come on!
- (Martin coughing)
- LEAH: What are you doing?
- I don't know.
(Leah sighs)
Willkommen
- Are you serious?
- Bienvenue
Welcome...
Whoa. Careful.
Okay, come on.
We gotta get you home.
- Look, we're so close!
- Oh, my God!
Wait, what?
- Dude, my parents are still up.
- Oh, God.
- Oh...
- Okay, you know what... Come on.
I need you to think of
something really sad...
Uh-huh.
Like, the documentary
about how all the whales
hate living at SeaWorld.
Too sad!
God. Okay, then just,
you know what,
don't say anything at all...
And we'll ditch the barf shirt
till tomorrow.
SIMON: Okay.
- LEAH: Si?
- SIMON: Yeah.
LEAH: Just as little
as possible,
say as little as possible.
(door creaks)
EMILY: So how does that work?
I know, I remember
when I went to...
Hey, guys!
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Come talk to us.
- Hey!
- How was the party?
- It was really fun.
- Was it?
- Yeah.
Aces.
BOTH: Huh. (chuckling)
Uh, well. Thanks for
letting me stay over.
- JACK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- EMILY: Yeah.
You've been
staying over 10 years.
You don't have to thank us.
Oh. Yeah, thanks.
(whispers) Stop. Shh!
John Lennon was wearing
a woman's sweater.
- Mm.
- And he's drunk.
- Definitely.
- So how do we feel about that?
Well, he didn't drive drunk,
and he's home
before curfew, so...
Good. That's what I thought
we thought.
Yeah, that's what
we think, right?
- Yeah. We're good parents.
- Yeah, we're good parents.
Right?
(slow music playing)
The room stopped spinning.
Do you ever feel weird?
- Weird?
- Yeah.
Sometimes I feel like
I'm always on the outside.
What do you mean?
Like tonight, you know...
I was at that party,
and it was fun, but...
it kinda felt like
I was watching it
from across the room.
I don't know,
there's this invisible line
that I have to cross
to really be a part
of everything
and I just,
I can't ever cross it.
I feel that way
sometimes, too.
Not tonight you didn't.
Yeah, I was trying something.
Yeah, sometimes I think
it'd be so much easier
to be one of these people who
can just take a few shots
and then hook up
with whoever's closest.
Yeah, I guess I'm just unlucky.
Unlucky?
Why?
Because I'm not
a casual person.
What kind of person are you?
I think I'm the kind of person
who is destined
to care so much
about one person,
it nearly kills me.
Me too.
It's getting late.
Si?
Yeah?
Good night.
Good night.
(slow music continues playing)
SIMON: Dear Blue,
so one of my friends
likes the other,
and he has no idea.
I guess we all have secrets.
Anyway, I've been
thinking about
why I haven't come out yet.
Maybe it's because
it doesn't seem fair
that only gay people
have to come out.
Why is straight the default?
I have something
I need to tell you.
Mom, there's something
I have to tell you.
Can we talk?
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm straight.
I'm straight.
I'm sorry, Mom, it's true.
I like girls.
(coughing)
I like men.
You get that
from your daddy's side.
I'm in love with Nick.
I feel like I've been raising
a stranger.
Yes, absolutely, you have.
I'm heterosexual.
Oh, God. Help me, Jesus. Please.
SIMON: Or maybe it's because
I can't be sure
this whole "being gay" thing
is forever.
Or maybe it's that there's
not that much
of high school left
and part of me
wants to hold on to
who I've always been
just a little longer.
And then, when I go to college
in Los Angeles,
I'll be gay and proud,
I promise.
("I wanna dance with somebody"
playing)
Woo!
Ooh, yeah, uh-huh
Yeah
I want to dance
Oh! I wanna dance
With somebody
I wanna feel the heat
With somebody
Yeah! I wanna dance
with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Don't you wanna dance
Say you wanna dance
Don't you wanna dance
With somebody who loves me
Oh
Oh oh
Yeah, maybe not that gay.
SIMON: I'm not sure
who I'm promising.
I'll keep ruminating.
Love, Jacques.
Shit!
TAYLOR: So, yeah,
after swimming with dolphins,
we fly to Saint Martin
for New Year's.
Anybody else,
Christmas in the Caribbean?
Staying here.
We have a classic
Spier tradition
of French toast
on Christmas Eve.
I'm going to an unheated
vacation house
in the middle of nowhere.
As is our bleak
family tradition.
(winces) Ow! Ow!
Oh, man. Oh.
You okay?
Oh, yeah, that's a paper cut.
Overdramatic.
Um, Simon, do you know
where the bandages are?
Yeah. They're just
in the supply closet.
Okay, do you mind showing me?
Be right back.
He's like a nurse, this man.
Okay, I don't actually have
a paper cut.
I know that, Martin.
You're a very bad actor.
What, you think this is funny?
Simon, look,
I don't wanna have to
leak your emails, all right?
But I will.
Look, you cannot
bring Blue into this, okay?
If he found out
that my emails got leaked,
he'd get totally freaked,
all right?
He'd never talk to me again.
Yeah, probably not, you know?
The Internet's a freaky place
to meet people.
- Yo.
- Hey!
Hey!
- Fun movie! Freak.
- Freaky Friday.
- That's a fun movie!
- Freaky, freak, freaky.
- Yeah, freaky-deaky Dutch!
- She's a super freak
- BOTH: Super freak
- You guys are weird.
I need a Band-Aid.
Those programs are a bitch.
Erm, yo. Martin was having
trouble running his lines
and we were thinking
we could go
to Waffle House
and go over 'em.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That would be great.
I'm insky.
- Good work, Spier.
- Go to hell, Martin.
(cell phone chimes)
BLUE: Jacques,
if I were a betting man,
I'd say you were
drunk emailing me
during that last letter.
Don't worry. I liked it.
As for coming out,
I know what you mean
about wanting to wait
till college.
But our emails
have inspired me.
I'm going to tell my family.
So thanks, Jacques.
Love, Blue.
(indistinct chatter)
Yeah.
MARTIN: Hey!
- Madame.
- ABBY: Oh.
(chuckles) Simon...
How the thespians
rehearse, right?
LYLE: Hey, guys.
What can I get you?
Lyle! You guys know Lyle?
We have Latin together.
ABBY: I don't think so.
Hi. How's it going?
Actually, we had Bio together
last year?
- SIMON: Oh, really?
- It's Simon, right?
Yeah. Yeah, sorry,
I don't, um...
It's okay.
It was like a big class,
and I have a good memory
for faces.
What can I get you guys?
MARTIN: Well, we plan
on being here for a while.
So, we're gonna start off small
and go larger.
Probably get some bacon first,
some sausage. I'd say...
ABBY: "You're right. I'm much
too strange and extraordinary.
Much! And much too distracting!"
Wow.
And you never did any acting
at your old school?
No. Can we get back to...
And yet,
you're from D.C., right?
Yeah. Can you give me
my next cue, though?
MARTIN: So why
did you move here?
Because my parents got divorced
and my aunt found us
an apartment in her building.
Why'd they get divorced?
Why does it matter, Martin?
Are you writing a book
about girls
from a broken home in D.C.?
So?
I thought that my dad
was the greatest person
on the planet.
But it turns out that he's
just a sad, tired loser
who hates his job,
drinks way too much beer,
and cheats on his wife.
To make up for all the stuff
that I just mentioned, so...
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah.
You deserve the father
that you thought you had.
You know what, Abby?
You deserve
a goddamn superhero.
Okay, thank you.
Let's get back to the...
Say it.
What?
I wanna hear you say
"I, Abby Susso,
am an incredible young woman
and deserve
a goddamn superhero."
I'm not gonna say that, Martin.
Okay. Well, um...
I won't stop until you say it.
ABBY: Okay.
- What are you...
- Excuse me.
- Waffle House patrons!
- ABBY: Martin. Martin, stop.
- Pardon the interruption.
- BOTH: Martin.
I would just like to say
that Abby Susso here
is an incredible young woman.
Martin, please.
And deserves
a goddamn superhero.
- Okay, okay...
- That's right. Abby Susso!
Abby Susso is an incredible
young woman!
ABBY: I'm Abby Susso!
Incredible young woman,
and deserves...
- A goddamn superhero.
- A goddamn superhero.
- A goddamn superhero!
- A goddamn superhero!
A goddamn superhero!
Yeah.
All right.
(claps)
Breakthrough. Yeah.
Okay, you can all go back
to your meals. Thank you.
Please sit down. Please.
- (Martin clears throat)
- (Abby sighs)
Well...
Well, let's get back to...
- my entrance into your song.
- I'm gonna take five.
MARTIN: "Ah, the Kit Kat Klub
proudly presents...
I'll be right back.
...a beautiful woman
coming straight from England."
Sally Bowles, everybody."
Hey.
Were you in Bio when they did
that identifying leaves test?
Yes. And Joel Winslow
ate that poison ivy.
Because Doug Fogerty told him
it was pot.
- Right. (laughs)
- SIMON: Poor Joel.
I think he just wants
to be liked 'cause...
you ever notice that he has
extra pens in his backpack?
Like, you know,
he's just waiting for the day
that someone comes up
to ask him for a pen?
And then he can be that guy
to give 'em a pen.
You see everything,
don't you, Simon?
I don't know.
But Simon means
"the one who hears"
and Spier means
"the one who sees"
so you put that all together
and pretty sure that means
I was just destined
to be up
in everybody's business.
I've gotta get back inside
and scrub down
some waffle irons.
- Duty calls.
- Indeed.
I'll see you in there.
Yeah, I'll see ya.
(cell phone chimes)
Hi.
BLUE: So my dad's flying in
tonight for Hanukkah.
If you are thinking,
"But Hanukkah isn't
for another month!"
Well, you are correct.
Welcome to navigating
divorced parents.
Take holidays
where you can get them.
And my dad's staying at the
same crappy motel as always.
We'll do all our
horribly awkward traditions.
We'll light the menorah
and I'll silently pray
that the sprinklers
don't go off.
That's happened twice before.
Would you believe I'm
considering doubling down
and turning
this whole awkward mess
into a coming out thing?
Do you think I'm crazy?
SIMON: No, Blue,
I don't think you're crazy.
I think you're crazy brave.
ABBY: Honestly, Martin used to
annoy the crap out of me.
But he's actually kind of
a cool person.
I've been meaning to ask you
about your parents.
I just didn't wanna say anything
when we were actually
in the restaurant.
I wasn't sure if you
wanted to talk about it.
Yeah. No, I don't mention it
a lot
because it kind of messes
with my image.
What kind of image?
The girl who is excited
to start a new school
senior year.
Girl whose life didn't
just end,
like, three months ago,
who's angry and sad
all the time.
Girl who still believes in love.
Come on.
You still believe in love.
Maybe.
Have you ever been in love?
I think so.
Abby.
Yeah?
I'm gay.
Oh.
You can't tell anyone though.
Nobody really knows,
and I don't really want people
to find out.
I won't. I promise.
Okay.
You surprised?
No.
- So you knew?
- No.
But you're not surprised?
Do you want me
to be surprised?
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, I love you.
So...
Love you, too.
(sighs in relief)
- (turn signal beeping)
- There's no one behind us.
You don't have to put
your blinker on.
- Okay, just being safe.
- Yeah.
SIMON: Dear Blue, I hope
it goes okay with your dad.
Whatever happens,
you inspired me.
I came out
to my friend tonight.
And I never would have
done that without you.
Maybe we should ride
this bravery train
and reveal our identities.
I'm dying to know who you are.
Love, Jacques.
(cell phone vibrating)
BLUE: I told my dad.
It was insanely awkward.
But also, kind of fine.
And you got it backwards.
It's you who inspires me.
But I'm sorry,
I'm just not ready for us to
know each other's identities.
Love, Blue.
(hums the Jaws theme)
- Hey! What are you doing?
- (growls) I'm a fry shark!
- Yeah!
- (laughs)
- MARTIN: That is good.
- ABBY: You're a good fry shark.
- MARTIN: Thank you, thank you.
- ABBY: I like that.
I didn't even know
you were coming near.
MARTIN: You know
what day it is?
- ABBY: What day is it?
- MARTIN: Must be Friday!
BOTH: Oh!
I guess I'm being loved,
right? Right?
Yeah.
Hey, what do you get
when you get black and Jewish?
- What?
- Bluish.
ABBY: That's mean.
Simon?
Since when does Abby find
Martin so goddamn funny?
Yeah, it's crazy.
NICK: You know,
this is stupid.
I'm just gonna tell her
that I like her.
And I've been thinking
the whole
sexual experience thing,
it's not that big of a deal.
And, actually,
I've been practicing, right?
I got this thing online.
It's really cool.
It's called a pocket puss...
Abby likes Martin.
She told me herself.
- (scoffs) But he's Martin.
- I know.
NICK: Look, I don't care.
- I'm gonna try.
- Hey, wait, wait.
What about Leah?
What about Leah?
SIMON: Dude.
- Leah's in love with you.
- No, she's not.
Are you kidding me?
I mean, come on.
The way she looks at you
and how she's been all jealous
ever since Abby's been around?
And she blushes every time
you come into the room.
Look, you and Abby...
it's never gonna happen.
But you and Leah...
I mean, you could be
incredible together.
- LEAH: Hey.
- What's up?
So I have something
to tell you.
Nick just asked me
to get dinner
before the homecoming game.
Okay.
No, like, Si, he was like...
He came up to me
and he's like,
"Do you wanna go get dinner?"
All right, and I was like,
"Sure, are Abby and Simon in?"
And he was like
"I was thinking it could just be
the two of us. Like, a date."
That's amazing.
It is?
Yeah.
Leah, come on.
I know you're into him.
(scoffs)
What?
All that stuff
that you were talking
about the night
after Bram's party,
about, you know,
being so into one person
that it almost kills you.
You were talking about Nick.
Uh...
So you think
I should go out with him?
Yes. Yes.
Okay.
- SIMON: Yeah?
- LEAH: Yeah!
SIMON: I promise you,
you're not gonna regret it.
It's gonna be great!
(all cheering)
Let's pull out
your claws, Grizzlies!
Oh!
(laughs)
Simon, that Almont QB
is insanely hot.
We can talk about stuff
like this now, you know.
Yeah, I still don't know
if I really quite
figured out how.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
We gotta practice.
All right. Simon.
- Yeah?
- Do you think
that quarterback is lookin'
fine in those hot pants?
He's lookin' pretty fine.
No. No. No.
Fine! Good.
Put your body into it.
Fine! (grunts)
That was really good.
- That was so good.
- Thanks.
Hey, check it out.
It's the Waffle House guy.
SIMON: Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
- Lyle?
- I don't know. Could be.
- I don't know.
- Do you think he's...
I don't know.
Okay, well,
you should talk to him.
I'm gonna go get a coffee.
Look, you are fine!
(mouthing) You got this.
Hi.
Hey. If it isn't
my favorite waiter.
Ah, there he is.
The guy who sees everything.
- Yeah.
- (chuckles)
Hey, I wouldn't have taken you
for a homecoming guy.
Oh, just here for the coffee.
Of course. Yeah, it's all
about the cappuccinos
and camaraderie for this guy.
- (clears throat)
- (laughs)
I'm glad you're here.
You are?
Yeah.
'Cause I wanted to
ask you something.
I was gonna ask you
the other day
and then I was, like,
too chickenshit.
What's Abby's deal?
I know you and her
hang out a lot.
Are the two of you
like a thing, or...
No.
No, uh, we're just friends.
I could never be just friends
with someone that hot.
Yeah!
Every day is a struggle.
(sighs) I gotta go. I'll see ya.
MASCOT: Hey! You!
Little birdie told me
you're into bears!
(growls)
(mascot laughs)
Dude! It's me!
(grunts)
I'm the Creekwood bear.
Of course, you are.
Thank you.
Not a compliment.
Hey, um... I figured out
my next move with Abby.
Great, that's good for you,
Martin.
I just wanted to run it by you
real quick.
No, Martin, look.
I've been helping you for weeks
and I am sick and tired
of helping you
mess with my friends' lives.
So why don't you
just do that shit
that you did at Waffle House?
That went great.
So you're saying
I should go for it?
It's kind of a big gesture.
Go big or go home!
Right, Martin?
Go big or go home.
I like that.
Thanks for the pep talk, man!
Gotta get amped up.
(grunts) Come on!
(cheerleaders whooping)
(marching band playing
"Bad Romance")
(players yelling)
MR. WORTH:
We're gonna take ya!
(singing to "Bad Romance")
Claw, claw, claw, claw, claw
Claw, claw, claw,
Claw, claw
AARON: Ethan!
I didn't know
you like football.
He's just here
to check out the packages.
Didn't your mother
ever tell you
not to grab your micropenis
in public?
Could we get some hummus
for that baby carrot?
- (laughs)
- Shut up, man.
- SIMON: Hey, guys.
- What's up? Hey.
- How was dinner?
- It was good.
Yeah, uh, we got
soup dumplings.
That dumpling place
I told you about?
Yeah.
You know, maybe you could go
with Martin.
Why would I go with Martin?
ANNOUNCER: Please stand
for the national anthem.
This goes out
to all the refugees.
And my vocal coach,
Monica Lewis.
MAN: Yeah!
O say can you see
By the dawn's early light
What so proud...
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry. Hi.
Hi, everyone.
Uh, sorry to interrupt.
Why are we interrupting
the national anthem?
MARTIN:
But I have something to say...
that's a little more important
than the national anthem.
No offense, America.
Abigail Katherine Susso...
when you transferred
to Creekwood High School,
just a short three
and a half months ago,
you not only transferred
into a new school,
you transferred your way
into a new heart
belonging to me.
My heart. Right here.
And whether it was being
your partner in pong,
or your Waffle House warrior,
I have cherished...
the 135,300 minutes
that we've spent together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
135,301 minutes.
And I know that you're
this smart, talented
perfect creature.
And, uh, I'm just a sweaty
schlub in a bear costume.
But like old Bogie used to say,
it's a "crazy mixed-up world."
So, Abby,
without further ado...
will you go out with me?
She's too hot for you, assface!
Excuse me. Sorry.
Just say yes. Say yes.
ABBY: Martin...
I am so sorry.
I don't feel that way about you.
You don't?
No.
But I really like
hanging out with you
and I don't know, maybe we could
still be friends, you know?
Yeah, uh...
Are those doves?
(crowd gasps)
No, no, hey, hey! Suraj!
Hey! No, no!
She said no! No, don't.
(crowd laughing)
Yo, I thought you said
she liked him.
Not the ceremonious
dove launch I was hoping for.
But still uplifting to free
some birds.
Yeah.
Okay, uh...
Enjoy the game.
Nice try, Martin!
And way to go, Martin!
You gave it a shot! Right?
(all cheering)
That was terrible.
Don't worry, people will get
over it in a few weeks.
(glass shattering)
(bear growls)
MARTIN (imitating Trump):
This is Donald J. Trump.
Martin Addison can't come
to the phone right now.
Hey, Martin, it's Simon. Again.
Um, look, I wanna make sure
you're doing all right.
I know it's been tough
since, uh...
Well, you know since when.
Um, listen. Just...
Just give me
a call back, okay?
I just wanna
make sure you're okay.
- (knocking on window)
- (yelps)
Hey! What you doin' in there?
Really?
I need you to help me decorate.
Untangle these for me, will ya?
This is not cool. I'll be down
in a minute, okay?
- What's not cool?
- I'll be down in a minute.
The fact that you're on
a ladder next to my room!
I can still clearly see you.
All right, there you go.
Okay. Merry Christmas.
(computer chimes)
BLUE: Jacques,
I'm drinking eggnog and packing
to go to my dad's cabin
on Lake Rabun.
I'm pretty sure
there's a photo of it
on the Wikipedia page
for "middle of nowhere."
Middle of nowhere.
I'm going to
an unheated vacation house
in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, shit.
BLUE: There's barely
electricity
and definitely
no cell service
so this will be my last email
for a while.
It should be a real
rite of passage.
A dad and his gay son
pretending they like
to fish and trying to find
things to talk about.
It's gonna to be
an excruciating two weeks
without you, Jacques.
Love, Blue.
SIMON: Sounds like you're
gonna need some good music.
So I'm sending a list
of the seven best
Christmas songs of all time.
Of course it includes
David Bowie's
"Little Drummer Boy,"
and Smokey Robinson
& The Miracles'
"Christmas Everyday,"
but the number one song
you're gonna need,
and trust me,
I know this sounds
a little bit twee...
("Someday at Christmas" playing)
Someday at Christmas
Men won't be boys
Playing with bombs
Like kids play with toys
One warm December
Our hearts will see
A world where men are free
Ooh
Someday at Christmas
There'll be no wars
When we have learned
What Christmas is for
When we have found
What life's really worth
There'll be peace on Earth
Someday all our dreams
Will come to be
Someday in a world
Where men are free
Maybe not in time
For you and me
But someday
At Christmas time
Someday at Christmas
We'll see a land...
(cell phone ringing)
- Si, have you seen it?
- Hey.
Seen what?
CreekSecrets.
You need to look
at your computer right away.
MARTIN: Dear fellow
Creekwood students,
Simon Spier
has a secret male pen pal.
Because he's gay.
Interested parties
may contact him directly
to discuss arrangements
for butt sex.
Ladies need not apply.
We should all probably be
talking about this
instead of Martin Addison's
homecoming debacle
which was actually
kind of sweet,
and romantic,
if you think about it.
Sincerely, Anonymous.
LEAH: Si, have you read it?
SIMON: I can't talk right now.
- LEAH: No. Si, wait!
- I gotta go.
Si?
I saw it.
I already reported it.
They're gonna take it down.
It's too late.
No, there's people
who've already seen it, so...
it doesn't really matter.
It's true.
I'm gay.
Oh...
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
You could deny it.
Why the hell
would I deny it, Nora?
I'm not ashamed of it.
You've just never really
said anything.
So what?
What does that have to do
with anything?
What the hell
are you talking about?
(sobbing) Sorry.
SIMON: I know you're going
off the grid
and you won't see this
until you're back,
but something's happened.
You're gonna find out
who I am.
And someone posted our emails.
Please don't freak out.
Please, Blue.
I need you to promise me
you won't disappear.
(computer chiming)
- (cell phone vibrating)
- (exhales)
NORA: Mum,
let me open my present.
EMILY: Honey, I'm trying to
tell you you need to shave.
JACK: Does that mean
you're gonna keep cooking?
NORA: Yeah, of course. I can
make dinner tonight, too.
- JACK: Awesome.
- What's this for?
Oh!
This one, Sherlock.
There you go.
NORA: What is it?
Bluetooth headphones.
- Do you like the black?
- Oh, I love it.
EMILY: Because I didn't
know if you liked...
This is great.
- They have other colors.
- He said he likes it.
- SIMON: No, I love it.
- Okay. I have the receipt.
He's good.
Actually, I did want to talk
to you guys about something.
What is it?
Uh, well...
JACK: Let me guess...
you got somebody pregnant.
No, you're pregnant.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm pregnant.
- JACK: (chuckles) I knew it.
He's got that glow about him,
baby.
EMILY: Honey.
No. Uh...
I'm gay.
Honey.
And I don't want you guys to
think anything different.
I'm still me.
Of course you are.
- Oh, Simon.
- Yeah.
So you're gay?
Which one of your
old girlfriends turned ya?
Was it the one
with the big eyebrow...
- Jack.
- NORA: Jesus Christ.
Dad, can you ever
shut the hell up?
I'm kidding.
- It's not funny.
- I'm kidding, Nora.
Just open up your gift. Please.
EMILY: It's okay, honey.
- Nora, I got you this.
- NORA: Simon.
That's for you.
No, that's for you.
That's from me.
It's a Cuisinart.
I love it. Thank you, Simon.
SIMON: Dear Blue,
happy New Year.
I haven't heard from you,
so I'm going to assume it's
because you have no service.
I came out to my entire family
on Christmas.
It didn't go great.
And I've been avoiding
my friends
the whole break
for all sorts of reasons.
Change is exhausting.
I feel like
there's nowhere to hide
from all the newness
of everything.
Except here. With you.
Please write to me.
As soon as you get
even one bar of service.
Breakfast burrito?
Thanks.
EMILY: Hey, Si.
Come sit down.
I'm gonna be late.
(sighs)
Hey, guys.
Hey, Simon, we need to talk.
So Abby and I hung out
on New Year's Eve, and...
you see, now we're together.
That's awesome. That's great.
NICK: Yeah, it is.
But then we got to talking
about why it took so long.
ABBY: Why did you tell Nick
that I have
a boyfriend in college
named Jonathan?
- Why'd you make that up?
- Look, Martin...
he was the one who wrote
that CreekSecrets post
about me.
He screenshotted my emails
and he's been using them
to blackmail me for months.
What does that have to do
with us, Simon?
He told me
that if I didn't help him
get with Abby, he'd out me.
And I...
That's why I had to
keep you guys apart.
So you made up a bunch of lies.
And that's why
you convinced me
to go on that date with Leah?
You know, to keep me away
from Abby?
So, wait. Running lines
at Waffle House
and beer pong at Bram's,
all of that was just to
pawn me off on Martin?
I'm not
a piece of meat, Simon.
You know how hard it was
for me to start over.
I trusted you.
(sighs)
Hey, come on, Leah.
I'll take you to school.
Leah. Leah, please.
Listen, listen.
I know I messed up, okay?
But I knew you were
in love with Nick.
- And I thought that maybe...
- Just stop it!
You know what? You are
insanely stupid, Simon.
I was never in love with Nick.
I was in love with you!
(gasps)
Look...
We're... We're us.
Yeah, well...
(sighs) Sorry.
I've been trying to tell you.
That night I slept over,
I was trying to tell you.
You wanna know
the funniest part?
It's that all these years, you
being so picky with girls,
I thought that maybe it was
because you might
like me, too.
And then, you know,
you told me
I should go out with Nick
and I realized you were just
never gonna see me that way.
I can deal with you
being gay, Si.
But you set me up
to get my heart broken
when you thought
I was in love with Nick
and that just makes you cruel.
- (car engine starts)
- (Simon sighs)
(students murmuring)
You all right?
Hanging in there.
Uh, for the record,
when I was saying that we have
a lot in common, you know,
I wasn't really... That's not
what I was talking about.
Gotcha.
Just FYI, just for the record.
- SIMON: Okay, great. Thanks.
- All right.
Hey, Jackie.
Did you date me
because you think
I look like a guy?
No. No, I actually
broke up with you
because you don't look
like a guy.
Oh. Oh, okay. Thanks.
Welcome.
(sighs)
(rap music playing on phone)
Yeah! Hey, Creekwood!
This one's for you, Spier.
Hey, Ethan.
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
You like that,
don't you, Spier?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, Ethan, Simon likey.
(Aaron and Spencer moaning)
You have something
you wanna say to me?
I said do you have something
to say to me?
(turns off music)
- I'll take it from here.
- Hey, Ms. Albright.
Don't "Hey, Ms. Albright" me.
We're not friends.
You're not gonna
braid my hair
or paint my nails.
Get your ass
off the table now!
You sweaty, hormonal virgins.
You know what? You're about to
be suspended for so long,
that by the time it's over,
you're gonna be
the fat, bald, unhappily married
wildly mediocre nobodies
you're destined to become.
You can't talk to us like that.
Actually, I can,
'cause I just did.
And you know why?
Because you're just those two
assholes that did
that shitty thing
in front of the whole school.
And guess what?
Nobody feels sorry for those
assholes, especially me.
Now, walk.
Mr. Worth's office now.
Bye.
Uh-uh. That's mine now.
I'mma sell it.
Get my tubes tied.
(scattered laughter and chatter)
(inaudible conversation)
Why does Mr. Worth
have to talk to us?
I mean, can't we just
let this shit go?
Hey, I'm sorry, Ethan.
None of this ever happened
when just you were out.
You know what they say,
one gay's a snooze,
two's a hilarious hate crime.
You could've told me
you were gay.
I guess I didn't think
we had very much in common.
(scoffs)
You're telling me, Simon.
It's not like
your all-hoodie wardrobe
rocks my world.
(Simon chuckles)
I don't know.
Maybe I was jealous.
You've been out
since you were 16.
It always seemed
so easy for you.
Easy?
Are you kidding me?
My mom still tells
my grandparents
about all the girls I'm dating
when we go over to their house
for dinner, every Sunday.
She says it's 'cause
they're old and religious,
and it's just easier that way.
I don't know,
maybe that's true.
But you should hear her voice
when she talks about the girls.
All right, boys, come on in.
Come on.
All right,
just stand right here.
(speaks French)
Get up.
Okay, these gentlemen
have something
that they would like
to say to you.
- We're sorry.
- Our bad.
That's right.
'Cause at Creekwood High,
what do we believe in?
BOTH: Tolerance.
And "tolerance" means
we respect
Simon and Ethan's choice
to be boyfriends.
- We are not boyfriends.
- Yeah. No.
Hey, whatever you wanna
call it,
it's fine with me. Seriously.
We call it "two people
that are not at all
romantically involved."
Yeah, I get it.
Keepin' it casual, man.
I can dig, seriously.
Oh. Simon. Hey, can we talk?
I don't have anything
to say to you.
Please, please.
I just wanted to say
that I was sorry, okay?
I didn't know or think
that people still did
shit like that.
And I got in a lot of shit
for Homecoming,
and I wanted everyone to focus
on something else, you know?
I just didn't think
it was gonna be a big thing.
I don't care if you didn't
think that my coming out
was gonna be
a big thing, Martin.
Look, you don't get to
decide that.
I'm supposed to be the one
that decides when
and where,
and how and who knows
and how I get to say it.
That's supposed to be
my thing!
And you took that away
from me.
So, well, can you please just
get the fuck away from me?
(sighs)
(computer chimes)
BLUE: I saw the posts.
I know who you are.
Jacques a Dit.
That's what they call
Simon Says in France.
Very clever.
I'm sorry, Simon.
I can't do this anymore.
- SIMON: Please, Blue.
- BLUE: I'm so sorry.
SIMON: You can't leave me alone.
Everything's falling apart.
(takes deep breath)
(sobbing)
I mean, I haven't even
talked to her.
I haven't even
seen her at school.
Anyway, I guess
I'll see you in class, right?
- GIRL: Yeah, totally.
- CAL: Okay.
Later.
- Hey.
- Hey, Simon.
Is it you?
Are you Blue?
No. No, it's not me. Sorry.
I know you've had
a crazy couple days.
You wanna talk about it?
No, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have asked.
- No, don't worry.
- Sorry for bothering you.
[door closes]
Did you know?
I knew you had a secret.
I mean, when you were little,
you were so carefree.
But these last few years,
more and more...
it's almost like I could
feel you holding your breath.
I wanted to ask you
about it, but I...
didn't wanna pry.
- Maybe I made a mistake.
- No. No, Mom, you...
You didn't make a mistake.
EMILY: Being gay is your thing.
There are parts of it
you have to go through alone.
I hate that.
As soon as you came out,
you said, "Mom, I'm still me."
I need you to hear this.
You are still you, Simon.
And you are still the same son
who I love to tease,
and who your father depends on
for just about everything.
And you're the same brother
who always compliments
his sister on her food,
even when it sucks.
But you get to exhale now,
Simon.
You get to be more you
than you have been...
in a very long time.
You deserve
everything you want.
My boy.
Hey, Leah.
- Hey.
- What's up?
What are you doing?
Just going for a run,
you know.
- Daily ritual.
- Yeah, you've never done that.
Have too.
But you're wearing jeans.
They're my running jeans.
Simon, you're about to pass out.
(panting) Okay, fine.
I'm not going for a run.
Hey, Leah. Please, listen.
Look, I know, okay?
You didn't want anyone
to know you're gay.
No, that wasn't just it.
I fell in love with someone.
That guy in the emails...
I love him.
And I knew that if Martin
leaked our emails,
it'd scare him off.
I'm sorry.
I know what I did
was messed up.
You're my best friend.
If I'm your best friend,
then why did you come out
to Abby and not me?
Think it was easier.
I've known Abby for six months,
and I've known you
for 13 years.
And I knew that if I told you,
that everything
was gonna be different.
I really wanted things
to stay the same.
Tell me about this guy
you love.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
It'll help me kill off
Hetero Simon in my mind.
- You don't have to kill him off.
- He's dead, Si.
Hacking him up with
a mental machete as we speak.
(chuckles)
All right. Fair enough.
So, I call him Blue.
Hey, Si.
Yeah?
(sighs)
How long have you known?
Like, I really started to get it
when I was around...
thirteen?
Four years? Four years of...
eating dinner together,
four years of
going to movies together.
Four years of
walking Bieber together.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have missed it.
No. Hey, no, Dad.
All those stupid jokes...
Well, I know
you didn't mean 'em.
It doesn't matter.
I shouldn't have missed it.
But...
in case the message
got lost somewhere I just...
I just want you to know
that I love you.
(crying) And I'm really
proud of you.
I wouldn't change anything
about you.
Hey. Shit, Dad.
Hey, stop crying.
I'm trying. I'm trying.
Oh, God.
Come here.
How's that video
for Mom coming?
- Good.
- Good, good.
Good.
You don't know
how to export it, do you?
Can you help me
with that, please?
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
Hey.
I thought maybe we could
sign up for Grindr together.
You don't know
what Grindr is, do you?
It's Facebook for gay people.
Not what it is.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you
20 years of bliss.
(video playing)
EMILY: Did you guys do this?
Simon and I did it, yeah.
- I just helped.
- It was mostly me.
EMILY: (laughs)
Yeah, right.
Really? Really?
EMILY: I can't believe
you did this.
I panicked
and bought you a watch.
That's okay.
You can give me
somethin' later
that I can't get in the store.
That's really gross.
- Oh, guys, just look.
- Sorry, just pay attention.
Just look at baby Bieber!
NORA: He was so cute!
EMILY: Just look at our baby!
SIMON: Dear students
of Creekwood High School,
As anyone with a half-decent
data plan already knows,
a recent post
on this very website
declared that I was gay.
The delivery left something
to be desired,
but the message is true.
I am... gay.
For a long time, I was killing
myself to hide that fact.
I had all these reasons.
It was unfair that only
gay people had to come out.
I was sick of change.
But the truth is
I was just scared.
COACH: Come on, Garrett.
Let's go!
SIMON: At first I thought
it was just a gay thing.
But then I realized,
no matter what,
announcing who you are
to the world
is pretty terrifying
because what if the world
doesn't like you?
So, I did whatever I could
to keep my secret.
I hurt the best,
most important people.
And I want them to know
that I'm sorry.
I am done being scared.
I'm done living in a world
where I don't get to be
who I am.
I deserve a great love story.
Disclaimer, this is about
to get romantic as eff,
so anyone adverse to
gratuitous feelings
kindly click over
to the BuzzFeed quiz
or resume the porn
you paused to read this.
Did you even use the ladder?
SIMON: This guy that I love
once wrote
that he felt like he was stuck
on a Ferris wheel.
On top of the world
one minute,
at rock bottom the next.
That's how I feel now.
I couldn't ask
for more amazing friends,
a more understanding family.
But it would all be
so much better
if I had someone
to share it with.
So, Blue...
I might not know your name
or what you look like.
But I know who you are.
I know you're funny
and thoughtful.
That you choose
your words carefully
and that they're
always perfect.
And I know that you've been
pretending for so long
it's hard to believe
you can stop.
I get it.
Like I told you
at the very beginning,
I'm just like you.
- GIRLS: Hi, Simon.
- SIMON: What's up?
SIMON: So, Blue...
after the play,
Friday at 10:00,
you know where I'll be.
No pressure for you to
show up, but I hope you do.
Because you deserve
a great love story too.
Love, Simon.
Willkommen
Bienvenue
Welcome im cabaret
Au cabaret
To cabaret
(audience cheering)
(all gasping)
Okay. They're not
paying me enough for this.
(indistinct chatter)
- ABBY: Hi.
- LEAH: Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!
- You were amazing.
I'm not even kidding.
- You were, like, insane.
- Thank you!
- What's up?
- Baby!
(laughing)
ABBY: Yeah. Yeah.
(clears throat)
- Hey, Simon.
- Hey.
Do you wanna go to
the carnival with us tonight?
Yes.
- Yeah?
- SIMON: Yeah!
LEAH: Yay!
Get in here, Leah!
LEAH: (grunts) The love!
Thank you.
- We'll be right here.
- Yeah.
- Go get him.
- All right.
- Yes!
- Woo! Yeah!
Go, Simon!
- Spier, Spier, Spier!
- Woo!
That should last a while.
GIRL: Oh, my God, look.
I bet he's waiting
for the other gay kid.
Where's Dana?
She'll love this.
ABBY: You got this, buddy.
Proud of you.
(students cheering)
- Yeah, buddy!
- Yeah!
You got it! Woo!
ABBY: This is it.
ALL: Yeah!
(cheering continues)
We love you, Simon!
(all cheering)
Yo. Can you just...
Come on, no.
(all whooping)
Okay. That's your
last ride ticket, buddy.
MARTIN: Wait. Wait!
Simon, it's me.
I'm Blue. l love you.
- No, you're not.
- No, I'm not. I just...
This is so brutal.
Here. I'll tell you what.
I got a couple...
How much is it?
- It's four tickets, four bucks.
- Perfect. Okay. There you go.
Last one's on me.
Got it.
Last call for the Ferris wheel!
Oh, no, I can't watch.
I can't watch this, babe. No.
This is awful.
- Okay, Dora.
- Wait, wait.
Can I sit there?
I was kind of waiting
for somebody.
Yeah, I know.
It's Bram!
It's you.
It's me.
But that night at the party...
Yeah.
I was drunk and confused.
And it ended, like,
a minute after you saw us.
And you're Jewish.
Yeah.
Which is cool.
And I'm black too.
And gay.
It's kind of crazy, huh?
I didn't think you'd come.
Me neither.
Until I was walking towards you,
I didn't think I had it in me.
(all murmuring)
Are you disappointed
that it's me?
No.
(all cheering)
(cell phone ringing)
Hey.
LEAH: Have you seen
CreekSecrets?
There are six new confessions,
all signed.
Listen to this.
"My parents didn't come
and see me in Cabaret.
They hate that I wanna be
an actor.
I don't know if they'll ever
be proud of me.
Taylor Metternich."
Wow.
You're a trendsetter, Spier.
Now, come on, get in the car.
We need to go.
- Good morning!
- Ah, there he is!
- Morning, Simon.
- Top of the morning, kid.
What's this?
- Nora's specialty.
- Mm, coconut?
- Yeah.
- You look good.
- Have a good day, honey.
- You too.
- Is it good?
- It's delicious.
- I'll see you guys.
- What, you're not gonna eat?
Bye, Simon.
("Wild Heart" playing)
- Mornin'.
- Mornin', buddy.
No one will ever
Read the letters
Or the lies that I told
From the years
I was changed...
- Good morning.
- Hey! How you doin', Leah?
Pretty good. Pretty good.
Why did they have to go
And run
From the dream far away
Were we there? Was I brave?
Ooh, ooh!
Hey!
Hey.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Everybody in?
- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
All right, it's too beautiful
a day,
so I think I'm gonna actually
take us on a little adventure.
- Yes!
- Woo!
That's exactly what I need!
NICK: Yeah, adventure!
Wild heart
Wild heart
Wild heart
Wild heart
Wild heart
Wild heart
When we met
Everything seemed all right
I turn and sing
On the sidewalk
Cut straight through
The moonlight
I loved those days
We didn't get out of bed
Left your taste in my mouth
Your strange voice in my head
Oh I wanna hear it again
Expect that we're caught
In a love song
So loud, oh, yeah
No not so typical love song
'Cause it hurt us
Again and again
So say that
I really need you
So bad, oh, yeah
No, not so typical
Love song
'Cause it hurt us
Again and again
Hey
La, la, la, la, la
You leave the city
And chase bullet holes
That's actually starlight
In those rare moments
You and I were brilliant
We were gonna be all right
God I loved those days
We couldn't get out of bed
With your taste in my mouth
Or your words in my head
And now I wanna
Hear it again
Expect that we're caught
In a love song
So loud, oh, yeah
No, not so typical
Love song
'Cause it hurt us
Again and again
So say that
I really need you
So bad, oh, yeah
No, not so typical
Love song
'Cause it hurt us
Again and again
(instrumental music playing)