[Rock]
[Woman] One, two.
One, two, three, four!
I've been out of the woods
for six days and nights now
And I'm a little hard-wired
but I'm feeling allright now
l got some money in my pocket
and l won't need a ride, yeah
Got a big-jetted car
and a baby by my side, yeah
Well, I'm a little hard-wired
but I'm feeling okay
And I got a little lost
out along the way
But I'm just around the corner
to the light of day
Yeah
I'm just around the corner
to the light of day, yeah
I'm driving 500 miles
got 500 to go, yeah
I've got rock'n'roll music
on my radio
Look, Debbie!
- Oh, my God, hi!
- How are you?
- We watch your show all the time.
- Good to see you.
Thank you. Thank you.
All right. You have a good day.
- [ All Screaming ]
- Bye!
[Man] They say the only luck
is the luck you make.
In the winter of 88,
i was the luckiest man alive.
I had it all - fame, fortune
and my own parking space...
at Harrisburg's trendiest bistro.
I would have done anything
to keep it all.
And, unfortunately, i did.
- Jack, how are ya?
- Good morning, Mr. Richards.
- Did you get a haircut?
- Oh, yes.
Looks good. Don't get too
good-looking. I'll be out of a job.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, how about
this winter weather, eh?
Farmer's Almanac
sure didn't get it right this year.
"Caterpillar in June,
cold winter soon," they said.
Amateurs, Jack. Hillbilly folklore,
that's all it is.
You should write your own almanac,
Mr. Richards.
Something people could believe in.
Maybe one day I will, Jack.
Maybe one day I will.
- Enjoy your breakfast.
- Good morning.
- Wendy, how are you?
-Just fine.
- Yeah. How's the cold?
- Oh, it's just allergies, I think.
Really?
Oh, not allergic to me, are you?
No. [ Laughs ]
I don't think so.
- You're so bad.
- Guilty as charged.
I'll be right back
with your cantaloupe and egg whites.
- Okay. You pick me a ripe one.
- Excuse me, Mr. Richards.
- Sorry, but can I get a picture?
-Well, sure.
It's my son's birthday,
and he saw you walk in.
- What's your name, skipper?
- Sam.
Sam. Well, you're a big fella,
Samarino.
How old are you today?
Twenty-seven?
[ Chuckles ]
I'm five.
Five? Well, how's the wife?
Allright. Happy birth day.
- Thanks for coming by. All right.
- Thank you.
- Oh, you gotta love it.
- Wow.
You're Russ Richards, aren't you?
Last time I checked. Well, hello!
Hi. Here.
Let meguess.
Mmm. It's a resume of some sort,
and you're looking for a job
in broadcasting.
Yeah, just read it. Asshole.
You are Mr. Lucky today.
I found you the ripest melon
in Harrisburg.
- Christmas don't be late
- Fuck!
[ Announcer ] Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.
Covering Harrisburg, York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
it's Newsat Five with
Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
and Russ Richards with the weather.
This is Newsat Five.
[ Man ] Good evening.
A teacher is behind bars tonight...
for allegedly locking
an unruly student in a broom closet.
That story coming up.
But first, let's check in
with the weather center...
to see if these beautiful
temperatures will continue.
- Russ?
- Yes, it's the middle of December,
and we still have more
Now don't panic, folks.
You're not in the twilight zone.
[ Humming Theme
from Twilight Zone ]
Now, on the downside,
if the weather gets any nicer,
my Aunt Mildred could move back
from Fort Lauderdale.
Just kidding. A wonderful woman.
Anyhoo, I'll be back with
a complete forecast a little later.
Take it, Dan.
Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
[Man] And now the fourth.
[Woman] Eleven.
[Man]
And the fifth number, please.
- Hi, Russ.
- [Woman] Thirty.
Hey, Dottie. How are you?
- Still struggling with the diet.
- Oh, yeah?
Don't get too thin.
It's not good for you.
Eight.
[ Man ] And there you have it.
Tonight's
Pennsylvania Lottery number: 19, 47,
If you have it, come and get it.
- If not, better luck next time.
- Back to you, Dan.
- We gonna talk about this?
- Nothing to talk about, Cochise.
I told you no more loans.
Penn Fed's down the street.
This is not...
Not a loan. An advance. Stop acting
like it's coming out of your pocket.
If you didn't piss your money away,
you wouldn't need an advance.
Now, what is it this week--
racquet ball courts? Pee wee golf?
Snowmobiles. You know it.
I told you that.
Jesus Christ.
It's exhausting with you.
Snowmobiles. How's business?
When this heat wave ends,
I'm golden.
- You're the weatherman. End it.
- [Groans]
- Where the hellishe?
- CrystaI!
How many times do I have to
tell those guys about the cables?
I almost broke my fucking neck
on live television!
Yeah.
Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were
in the middle of a meeting.
No, it's okay.
It's okay. Calm down.
- Calm down.
- You know...
- Come with me.
- I have to leave, of course.
I talked to them about this thing.
It's never gonna happen again.
All right? Just relax.
It's not gonna happen again.
- Hi, boss.
- Hello. How you doing, Bobby?
I can't do the Olive Garden tonight.
- [ Scoffs ]
- My wife invited a few people over.
- I've gotta eat at home.
- That's just great, Dick.
No, you know what?
I am tired of this bullshit.
Hey, hey, hey.
Easy. Come on.
Remember, we got
that affiliates thing coming up.
- Uh-huh.
- Six days in Hawaii.
- Mm-hmm.
- Eating like pigs.
Christ, you got some body on you.
[ Giggles ]
Tell me something I don't know.
Do we have anything else?
I think we're through here.
Unless you want to torture me
about the fucking weather chopper.
Like that was a bad idea.
Weather chopper?
Come on, I'm a weatherman.
You know what the truth is?
I feel bad foryou, Dick. I do.
One day you're gonna wake up,
and you're gonna realize...
you had a diamond in your hand,
and you let it slip away.
To where, Atlantic City?
- Oh, that's what this is about.
- To be a big game show host.
That's right. I hear everything.
I'm like a satellite in outer space.
Did you get your audition?
- My agent is all over it.
- Right. [ Chuckles ]
[Russ] Mace Kornberg, please.
Yes, this is Russ Richards. Mm-hmm.
You know, this is getting
a little ridiculous.
I've already left,
like, five messages.
Allright, your boss, Mace Kornberg,
saw me on TV, okay?
He loved me, okay?
He wants to represent me.
We... We sat at
my personal booth at Denny's...
for over an hour,
and i told him all about myself.
And now for some reason,
he's not returning my phone calls.
Well, what part ofthat
was too long?
Just tell him Russ Richards called,
okay? Thankyou.
[ Sighs ]
What's happening?
Still not there?
Nah, but, the whole agency
is out for the week.
- A retreat or something.
- What's a retreat?
Oh, I'm not sure,
but I think it's a religious thing.
- Hey, i got great news for you.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Remember my brother's car,
the one that was in a wreck?
For the sake of expediency,
i am going to say yes.
Well, he's finally ready to sell it.
It's all pounded out, repainted,
and ready to go.
Beautiful lime-green finish.
Looks just like a popsicle.
Now, Larry, is there some reason
that I should know this?
Just if you decide the Jag
is too much of an extravagance.
I'm not selling the Jag.
I'd sell my body parts
to South America before that.
Okay. You're the boss.
Yeah, I am the boss.
Here's another news flash for you.
I'm not losing the house either.
You know what you laymen
fail to realize?
It's not about the snowmobiles.
Come on.
It's about the weather, okay?
One cold front,
a little moist air, and bam!
I'm Rockefeller. I'm on Broadway.
I'm doing the cha-cha-cha.
Yeah!
[ Moaning ]
Oh, God!
Oh, whip me forever!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[ Both Moaning ]
[ Russ Sighs ]
Boy, whew!
That is always such a treat.
Oh, with Dick,
it's like having sex with a sloth.
Don't put that image in my head.
Here. Try this just one time.
- No.
- Yeah, it'll help you relax.
I don't even want a contact high.
It makes me nauseous.
You shouldn't even be smoking it.
You're the lotto girl.
You practically work for the state.
Put it out.
Okay, I'm putting it out.
- I have a question to ask you.
- Yeah?
If you had an agent, and you tried
to get him for two weeks,
eight times, and he didn't return
your call, what would you think?
- Um...
- Huh?
I can't relate. I've never had
a guy not call me back.
Oh! I just don't get it.
When I met... I met this guy,
he was... he was gushing.
He wanted to do this for me,
he wanted to do that.
I've had my ass kissed,
but this was really special.
So he is officially your agent?
It's not like you had one meeting.
It's splitting hairs here, you know.
I mean, it was clear
he wanted to sign me.
You know what he said to me?
He said that I delivered the weather
forecast with a Shakespearean flair.
[ Chuckles ]
Was he drunk?
No, he wasn't drunk.
What's wrong with you?
Look. If the guy's not returning
your calls, then fire his ass.
Just hire someone else.
What's the biggie?
- Do you know who Mace Kornberg is?
- Uh-uh.
Do you have any idea
of the pedigree of this man?
Here's a little primer foryou.
He only handled Gene Rayburn
at the height of The Match Game.
Wow. All right,
so he is kind of a big shot.
Yeah, congratulations.
You just won the Cutlass.
I wouldn't be caught dead driving
a Cutlass. I'll trade it in.
Well, how about door number two?
Old reliable.
[ Giggles ]
Wait.
You're in a very small,
select group of guys.
What is it
that makes you successful...
and all the others knocking
on the doors not so successful?
Well, I'm not so sure. You know,
as i travel around the country,
I see on television guys that would
make good game show hosts.
But i don't tell them.
No. The analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake,
but the format is the cake.
- Yeah, format is the cake.
- To me, Dick Clark,
for all the things he does,
is an outstanding game show host.
He stays out of the way.
He lets the format work.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's your host, Russ Richards!
[TV Continues, indistinct]
So, Russ, it sounds like we can keep
those scarves and mittens...
in moth balls a while longer then.
That's what it sounds like, Dan.
And the sleds and snowmobiles
can stay in the garage.
That is correct, Heidi.
I think we all get the point.
[Dan] Thanks, Russ.
We'll check in with you later.
- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]
- Hello. You have one message.
[ Beep ]
[ Man ] Uh, yes.
This message is for Rob Richards.
This is Sandy from
the Gabler-Kornberg Agency.
I'm sorry no one got back to you,
but we were away on a retreat.
- Apology accepted, Sandy.
- I wanted to let you know...
that Mr. Kornberg is dead.
He passed away
around eight months ago.
I'm sure had he not,
he would've returned your call.
- Oh, jeez!
- He went quickly.
- Yeah. Yep.
- Bye-bye.
- [ Beep ]
- That was your last message.
[ Sighs ]
Yep, that was my last message.
[Rock]
Russ, let me get this straight.
You don't drink.
You don't do coke.
You're not a pussy hound.
Well, what the fuck
did you blow your money on?
It just.. lt just went, okay?
Does it matter? What was that?
That's Carla, the Human Cannon.
- Oh, she's good.
- She's Dutch.
- Russ, we go way back.
- Right.
And i like you. I do. I'm a fan.
But 25 grand.
I don't think i can lay my hands
on that kind of money.
- Oh.
- Especially now.
I'm going through
a very messy divorce.
- I'm sure you understand.
- Sure.
I do now.
Okay. Take care, Gig.
Thanks a lot. Take care.
Hypothetically speaking, it's not
like you're without options.
What do you mean?
Well, you do have options.
What are they?
Come. Speak up. Hello?
Take your glasses off.
- [ Hums ]
- Well, what is that?
Russ, i assume you have insurance
on your dealership.
Yeah, so?
Don't you think now would be
the appropriate time to, you know,
make a few claims on, you know,
some of those premiums?
Oh, God. Oh, jeez!
Are you talking about arson?
The last thing you want to
get involved with, mate, is arson.
Well, that's right.
Yes, of course not.
The way to beat an insurance company
these days is with a phony robbery.
Oh, God.
[ Scoffs ]
You are veering in that direction.
That makes me very uncomfortable.
First of... Look. If i weren't, okay,
the president of the Rotary,
the vice president
of the Sunshiny Day Club...
and i'm a Big Brother, Gig.
Russ, it's your money.
[ Sighs ]
The insurance company
is earning interest off it.
The whole "man ofthe people,"
nice guy thing,
it's quaint, but don't you think
it's time to put a cap on it, hmm?
[ Exhales ]
Well, how would it work?
You know, like, you know,
hypothetically speaking.
How would, you know,
how would it go down?
- Well, it's nothing.
- No?
If i were to put it
in medical terms...
where you would equate brain surgery
with a bank robbery,
this would be like a visit
to the podiatrist.
- Hmm.
- And it just so happens...
I have an acquaintance named Dale
who is a specialist in this area.
It's a very simple procedure, Russ.
The whole thing would take...
Forty? Wow.
Fortyminutes, tops.
Dale arrives at your dealership on
a prearranged night with his crew.
[Man] lt's so easy
to blowup your problems
- [ Continues ]
- Findshis way inside.
Leaves the telltale signs
of a break-in...
and gains entrance.
Then it's just a simple matter
of getting thes leds out the back.
I mean, the actual extraction
process is the easiest bit.
And, uh, that's that.
All that's left is between
You and your insurance company.
End of story. Easy as pie.
I, of course, would command
the standard 20 percent consultation fee.
- I figured that.
- You know, it's up to you, Russ.
I mean, only if you're ready
for something like this.
That visit to the podiatrist.
Well, it's like removing a bunion
or something.
An ingrown toe nail,
at the very most.
Funny. Okay. Okay.
Well, make the call then.
Good choice.
I was in the right place, but
it must've been the wrong time
I was saying the right things
but i must've used the wrong line
- I was on the right trip
- All right.
Let's do this cocksucker.
- [Continues]
- All right. Let's do it.
I've been running
trying to get hung up in mymind
This is so cool. You can just
come in here anytime you want.
Yeah, i got the keys, don't i?
All right. This one's
for Charlie Hustle, okay?
The pricks wanna keep him
out of Cooperstown?
I wasin the wrong place, but
it must've been the right time
- Home run.
- I wasin the rightplace
It's happening right this second.
Send a squad car now!
I was in the right world,
but it seemed like a wrong, wrong
- [Sirens Wailing]
- Come on. Move it!
Let me just ask you one question,
Your Honor. Where's my bat?
Don't worry about your bat, asshole.
[Phone Ringing]
[Ring]
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna break your fucking face.
- What?
- You better have a bag of money...
the fucking second they set bail,
or i'm telling them who hired me.
I also want an extra ten grand
for my pain and suffering.
- Are we clear, weatherman?
- No, we're not clear.
We're the furthest thing from clear.
I don't even know who you are.
Look. A second ago i was asleep.
And two seconds ago, i was
in a blueberry field with my mother,
and we were getting along
really well.
Save that for your psychiatrist.
I want my ten grand.
Stop it! Stop saying that!
- I don't have ten grand.
- Oh, no?
You'd better sell something
or kill someone. I don't care!
You just get me my fucking money!
- What...
- [ Dial Tone ]
[ Sighs ]
Okay, Russ.
It's gonna be a better day.
- [Woman] Russ Richards! Hi!
- How are you?
Merry Christmas.
Okay. Mmm.
- Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love.
- What are you doing here?
- Problem.
- What?
Dale the Thug's getting a bit pissy
about his ten grand.
Dale the Thug? Dale the Thug?
That's his nickname?
When did that happen?
Oh, that's childhood issues.
Trust me, you don't wanna know.
He was fine for a day or two,
but now he's had time to stew, see?
Good morning.
What can I get you?
- Can I have coffee? With milk.
- Okay.
- Do you have those apple pastries?
- Wendy.
- The pastries with cinnamon swirls.
- Wendy, he's not staying.
- He's leaving, okay?
- Okay.
Okay. All right.
Thanks for asking.
[Giggling]
I cannot be seen with you.
I am a public figure.
Russ, you don't return my calls.
I'm doing you the favor.
If there's a Dale the Thug issue,
time tends to be of the essence.
I'm tapped out. The money i got for
the Jag barely covered his bail.
I am not having this conversation
here with you.
Th-There's an omelette named
after me, for God's sake!
- What's in it?
- You leave that alone! Just go!
- Really? Really.
- I'll follow you. Yes!
Hmm. Well, I'll...
Um, Russ, i'lljust be outside then?
- Oh, God!
- Right?
- Let's go.
- On top of everything else,
they've impounded his baseball bat
as evidence.
He bought it at an auction.
Pete Rose hit with it or some shit.
He shouldn't have used it then.
Christ, even a plumber knows...
to take his ring off
before he snakes the drain.
- You screwed up, he got pinched.
- I did not screw up!
I can't control the sexual appetite
of my employee.
I mean, either way,
you're gonna have to pay for it.
Why don't you just do this?
Take... Just get it over with.
Why don't you just set up an
appointment at his convenience...
to come break my legs
or kick me in the nuts or whatever?
You know what? I very much doubt
it'll be the latter.
That's practically
how he treats his friends.
You know, Russ, I've been
thinking about your situation,
and it occurs to me
that sometimes in life...
the greatest opportunities
are sitting right underyour nose.
Only thing under my nose is this mat
with presidents up to Carter.
- Am i missing something?
- The lottery.
Oh, that is so stupid!
You think my playing the lottery
is going to solve all my problems?
Not playing the lottery,
winning the lottery.
You got that lotto ball machine
down at the station, right?
A little razzle-dazzle,
you're set for life.
Gig, i just came off
a botched phony robbery.
Let me bask in that a while before
i start thinking about tampering...
with the fucking state lottery!
I'm not talking out of my ass here.
- I do have experience with this.
- Really.
Yeah. About ten years ago,
before I washed up
on these golden shores,
- I rigged a bingo game at church.
- Church, huh?
Weighed down a few ping-pong balls,
Bob's your uncle!
I walked away
with a fucking lawn mower.
- Oh, a lawn mower. Wow.
- This is not Warand Peace,
merely the concept of gravity.
No, no, the concept of gravity...
is when you fall down
and you break your head open.
Well, your glass
is obviously half empty.
No, Gig, my glass is totally empty.
- Watch it!
- Hate you!
- Calm down!
- Bastard!
Calm down.
You're acting like a child.
- Stop! Calm down, please.
- You promised!
- What do you want me to do?
- What's going on?
Everything's fine. Thank you.
She wanted to go. What do
you want me to say? "I'm sorry.
I'm banging the lotto ball girl,
and i promised her first."
I don't believe i bought sandals
in December for no reason!
I'll take you next time. In June,
l have a conference in Seattle.
Take your wife to fucking Seattle,
all right?
I wanted to go to Maui, you asshole!
Oh, I'm an asshole.
Am i the same asshole...
that takes you out to dinner and
buys you fancy European underwear?
Try to get that
from the weatherman,
who i notice you've been
awfully chatty with these days.
Blow me.
- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything's fine!
[Man] I'm dreamin'of a white
Christmas
Just Iike the ones
i used to know
Where the tree tops glisten
And children listen
To hearsleigh bells in thesnow
Oh, I'm
Dreaming of a white
- [Fades]
- I have to ask you something.
- What?
- Oh, God. Oh, God.
I don't know how to askyou this.
[ Exhales ]
-Just ask.
- I wouldn't blame you for saying no.
As a matter offact,
i already expect you to say no.
But I need your help
on something.
Aah! We're gonna be millionaires!
I can't believe this!
I have to admit, I thought
it would be a slightly harder sell.
All right, most important thing...
is getting alone
with that machine...
five minutes before and
five minutes after the broadcast.
- That's key.
- That's as key as it gets.
Five minutes before, five after.
Did you hear that, Crystal?
I'm two inches away.
How could I not hear it?
Start taking notes, 'cause when
Gig and i start hashing it out,
there's gonna be gold flying around,
and I don't want to miss any of it.
- The first piece of gold is this.
- Yeah.
I think someone should call in
a bomb scare.
Then the building gets evacuated,
and i'm alone with the lotto balls.
Okay? Are you writing this down?
- When we decide, i'll write it.
- It's good, right?
Russ, um, forgive me. Just a second.
You call in a bomb scare,
they evacuate the building,
and shut down the broadcast.
Right, then the firemen will come...
and then the policemen will come,
so kind of a lame idea, you know?
All right. Jeez. It's just an idea.
It's a work in progress,
for God's sake.
Even a painter's got to
take the brushes and clean them.
- Whatever that means.
- Any better ideas, Smarty-pants?
Why can't i distract Bobby somehow,
the security guy?
And then you switch the balls.
- No, uh, lame. That's lame. What?
- No, that's brilliant.
- Yeah?
- It's so simple, it's brilliant.
In its simplicity, Russ.
Simplicity. That's...
- And moving on.
- Okay, moving on.
Moving on, i guess.
- Next most important thing, right?
- Uh-huh.
We need to find your beard?
What the hell's a "beard"?
You need someone to buy the ticket
and claim the winnings.
But it has to be someone
that you absolutely trust.
- One beard. Check.
- Time out, folks!
There's not a person
i would trust to do this thing.
Not a single person.
Ah! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay. All right.
I buy the ticket in disguise.
Okay? And this eliminates
all the outsiders.
That's the answer. That's it. Okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Now we're cooking with gas, huh?
I mean,
how would you disguise yourself?
What, as Charlie Chaplin?
As The Tramp or something?
[Laughing] Yeah, orno, Iike,
from The Wizard of Oz.
- The straw guy.
- The straw man.
Yeah, he could put hay
in his clothes and wear a hat.
- With a pom-pom on it?
- No one will know it's him.
- Ooh, it's clever.
- Nobody would everknow!
- No! Russ.
- It's Scarecrow from Wizard of Oz.
- Oh, okay.
- It's Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion,
it's the Tin Man, it's the dog,
it's the flying monkeys...
and it's the Scarecrow.
If you're gonna make fun of me,
get your facts straight.
Well, my apologies, sir. I am not
the cartoon aficionada that you are.
- It's not a cartoon, Crystal.
- So what?
- It's a movie.
- Who gives a shit?
- Children... Excuse me.
- [Arguing]
- It's a movie! For God's sake.
- Calm down. Calm down.
- Calm... Calm down.
- Sorry.
- Please?
- All right. Back to square one.
[ Chuckles ]
Let's go.
Hey, I know.
My cousin Walter could do it.
- Who?
- From Ohio.
He would be the perfect beard.
He's this totally straight guy.
He doesn 't even drink,
and besides, he hasa crush on me.
The minute
You walked in the joint
I could see you were
a man of distinction
A real big spender
- Good-looking, so refined
- Oh. Walter.
Say wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind
- I got you balloons. We should go.
- Thankyou.
So let me get right to the point
I got you a room
at a lovely country inn.
I don't pop my cork
for every guy i see
Hey, big spender
Spend a little time with me
- Oh. It's so green and lush.
- [Russ] Oh! Lookat this room!
- [Russ] Oh, this is so great.
- Look at this TV, a closet.
- God, look at the painting.
And this clock with a little light.
It's so... It's so modern-day.
- [Crystal] Oh, shower curtain.
- Oh, Walter, look at this.
All-you-can-eat buffet.
Oh. Right up the block!
- [ Wheezing, Coughing ]
- And towels all prepared for you.
- How comfy. What do you think?
- Yeah, what do you think?
- [ Gasps ] Mold spores.
- What?
This room has a high content
of mold spores.
- My throat's closing up.
- Oh, jeez.
- [ Gasping, Wheezing ]
- Oh.
[ Wheezing Continues ]
- Are you all right, Walter?
- [ Wheezing ]
Mm. Tsk.
[ Exhaling, Gurgling ]
[ Wheezing ]
Oh, jeez.
- All clear.
- Thank God for modern medicine.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Walter, test the bed.
It's a combination of the heat
and moisture. That's what does it.
Yeah. Is it always this sticky
in Harrisburg in the winter?
Well, you know, it's...
it's a fluke, of course,
but it's not entirely uncommon, no.
- Uh-uh.
- W-Why's that?
Well, okay, well, historically,
weather has been unpredictable.
- Yeah, well, w-why's that?
- Why?
- [ Sniffling ]
- Well... Well, okay, you got...
Your, uh... you got your cold fronts
and you got...
your warm fronts, and then
you're talking barometric pressure.
- Well, without my gauges, i.. i..
- I love hotels.
Walter? Walter? Hey! Walter.
- Yeah?
- Are you clear on what we're doing?
How long will it be
be-before i get my money?
- Oh, well...
- Oh. Yeah, no.
Um, it's real simple, honey.
When we get our first payment,
you take your 20,000 right away.
- That's yours.
- Right. Tax-free.
- We want you to be happy.
- Oh.
Well, I could...
l could really use the money,
'cause m-m-my church
needs a new furnace.
- Oh, well, that is so refreshing.
- Yeah.
And I'm gonna use the rest
to open an adult bookstore.
Ah. Okay. Well, that's good.
That's good too. Yeah.
Do you masturbate, Russ?
Jeez. I've been so busy lately,
I barely polish my shoes.
- 'Cause i masturbate all the time.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Some people think it's a sin,
but God gave us the ability to
masturbate to protect us from sin.
Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I could... I could see that.
- Sure. Why not?
- I like sex.
- There's a lot of sex in the Bible.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm sure there's a Bible here.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
- S-So, we...
- We're a team, right?
- Yeah, yeah, a team!
- Yeah?
- Team. [ Chuckling ]
- [ Chuckling ]
- Ooh.
Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, I've got one. Let me pick.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Please, let me finish. Okay, 16.
- I wanna pick one.
Sixteen, okay? That's how old i was
when I first got laid.
- Really?
- Yeah. Okay.
Twenty-five. Okay, twenty-five.
My mother's birthday.
-January 25, 1912. All right.
- No, no. This...
No, the 25th
was my anniversary,
and I got divorced,
and I got screwed in that.
I didn't get a good settlement.
Seventy.
I had a '70 Camaro and got in that
accident and got a huge settlement.
- Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.
- Remember? That's right.
Um, I got some randomly
selected numbers, okay?
[Walter]
These are, Iike, completely random.
- Okay?
- Flick it. Make sure air gets...
Twenty-two, seventy.
Puncture. Then you inject
a little paint into the ball.
- You know, weigh them down.
- Sixteen.
Then weput a little glue
over the hole.
- Nine.
- [Russ] Isn 't this fun?
- Twenty-seven.
- [Russ] It's like summer camp.
It's like arts and crafts.
- Seven.
- [ Russ ] The six we don't inject.
- Those are gonna rise to the top.
- It's my birthday.
Get it? Okay.
Those are the winning numbers.
[Russ]
This is the concept of gravity.
Sweet, simple concept of gravity.
- Here we go. Go.
- Ready?
Yeah! Whoo!
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!
- That's brilliant. Brilliant!
- All right. Go.
And she wasn 't gonna
sit around and wait
This guy was wise
to all of the lies
And he flies out the door
Easymoney
Will these warm temperatures
continue? This is Russ Richards.
Catch me tonight in
the Weather Center and find out.
Right here on Channe 16, WTPA.
Okay. Ready.
[ Groans ]
- [Car Horn Blaring]
- Hold on a second. You hear that?
I have been watching
your show...
[Horn Blaring]
- [Woman On TV, Indistinct]
- [Man On TV] But enough about me.
I don't know why. But I'm fine.
I just don't know...
- Make way. Give her space.
- Bobby! Oh, Bobby!
- Thank God. Yeah.
- Crystal, you all right?
- I don't know what happened.
- Come on. Give her space.
- And I just had the car checked.
- Oh, that's crazy.
- Yeah.
- Lucky you didn't hit your head.
- Well, who knows? Maybe i did.
- Maybe you should see a lawyer.
- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- I know a lawyer.
Do you? That's great, Bobby.
Thanks.
Let me know
if you want his name!
[Lottery Announcer]
Tonight's jackpot is $6.4 million!
Our machine contains 80 balls,
and we'll draw 6 balls from the machine.
Drawing tonight will be Channel 6's
lottery girl, Crystal Latroy.
Now, let's start the machine,
please.
Now, Crystal, draw the first number.
Seventy!
And the second.
Twenty-two!
And the third.
Seven!
And now the fourth.
Sixteen!
And the fifth number, please.
Nine!
- [Lottery Announcer] The sixth!
- Twenty-seven.
Twenty-seven!
[ Lottery Announcer ]
And there you have it.
Tonight's
Pennsylvania Lottery numbers: 70,
If you have it, come and get it.
- Good girl.
- If not, better luck next time.
Back to you, Dan!
[Announcer] That about wrap sit up
for this edition of Newsat Five.
Enjoythe rest of your evening.
We'll see you here tomorrow night.
You can see all the Pennsylvania
Lottery drawings right here...
on WTPA, Channe 16.
Oh! My head!
[ Groans ]
Crystal! I got you.
- I got you. Come on, come on.
- Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.
- No, let's... Please, this way.
- No, this way's better.
- No. This way!
- All right.
- Oh, I'm not making any sense.
- Okay. Nice and easy.
- I... i don't... Oh!
- Nice... I got you. I got you.
- You feeling better now?
- Ugh.
I don't know. Yeah.
Uh-huh. Thanks. I really do.
[ Gasps ]
Oh. Oh!
Shit! Shit! Oh.
God! Stop it!
Stay in! Come on!
Get in! Damn it.
Stay in, little mothers. Oh, shit.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
[ Sighs ]
- Hey!
- [ Screams ] Bobby, you scared me.
Are you sure you should be driving?
Why don't you let me
give you a ride home?
No, I'm fine. I'm fine now.
Yeah. I had a Three Musketeers.
Okay, then. Get some sleep.
- All right. Thanks, sweetie.
- You don't want me to drive you?
No!
Thank you, though. You're sweet.
Good afternoon, Lawrence.
Hey, Russ.
- I've been thinking about you.
- Big news.
No, I have.
First of all, this is for you.
Token of my appreciation
for how hard you've been working.
And let me tell you something else.
People have been talking about you.
- What people?
- Let's get another thing straight.
No one is stealing you away from me,
because you are...
- What are you?
- Number one.
- That's right.
- Wow, it's quite an honor.
- I don't know what to say.
- Well, don't say anything.
As our Jewish friends say, "Enjoy."
Look, Russ, remember i told you
about my cousin's stepdad?
The one with the roadside fun park
in Colorado,
in Leadville?
Well, if you did,
my brain immediately purged it.
Well, i gave him a call,
and i told him about our situation,
and he said he'd buy our whole
inventory in one fell swoop.
Really? Well, how much?
Okay, well, here's where
we run into a small asterisk.
- Thirty thousand?
- Who is this guy, Jesse James?
I oughta get in a Santa Claus outfit
and give them away.
I just thought, you know,
if the noose starts getting tighter.
"The noose"? Who am i talking to?
Is this Larry, the winner?
Is this Larry number one?
Am i talking to the Larry
that everybody's talking about?
- Who's talking about me?
- Oh, hey.
Hey, hey, good. Good idea.
- Good morning, sweetie. Hi.
- Hi.
- So, where is it?
- What?
The ticket. I'm dying to see it.
Well, i have it. Don't worry.
I'm not worried.
May i see it, please?
Well, actually,
I might hold on to it for a while.
- What does that mean?
- Well,
first of all, how come
I'm only getting $20,000?
I mean,
I'm taking all the risk, right?
- Walter?
- And, you know...
I'm... I'm the one
who's gotta cash it in.
What if they find out
this was rigged?
- No.
- W-W-What if th-they...
It's like this is a setup
or some kind of, like, an ambush.
- I could get caught.
- That's not gonna happen.
No. Shh. Sweetie, listen.
You're being really silly.
Okay? Now, we made a deal,
and you agreed to it.
So let's just move forward
as planned, okay?
No. Why... Why can't
we split it three ways?
- The weatherman, you, and me.
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm doing all the work.
- You're lucky to get a little bit.
Well, can we... I'm family.
Go get the fucking ticket!
Now, give me the ticket,
you jerk-off!
Get off me! You're a whore!
- Stop it!
- Oh!
Do not fuck with me,
you sick, masturbating retard!
Go ahead and rape me.
That's what you want!
Shut up! Where's the ticket?
- I'm not telling you, slut!
- I want that ticket now!
- I'm telling your parents!
- Stop it!
Are you ready for the song
"Bingo Was His Name-O"?
- [ Children ] Yeah!
- All right.
There was a farmer had a dog
and Bingo was his name-o
B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o
- [Walter Gasping]
- Where is it?
My... My... My... My... My puffer.
- Your what? Stop it! What?
- Puffer! Puffer!
[ Wheezing, Coughing ]
My puffer! I can't breathe!
- I'll get it. God.
- Get it. Thank you. Thank you.
Is this what you want, your puffer?
Where's the ticket?
[ Wheezing ]
I'm not telling you.
Fine!
[ Gasping, Wheezing ]
- F-Fucky-you.
- [ TV Turns On ]
[ Inhaler Clicking, Expelling Mist ]
- [ TV ] These days are ours
- Walt, look. Happy Days is on.
- Happy and free
- Those happy days
- These daysare ours
- Share them with me
Good-bye gray skies, Hello blue
There's nothing can hold me
when I hold you
Feels so right,
it can't be wrong
Rockin' and rollin'
all week long
The people on the bus
go yap-yap-yap
Yap-yap-yap, Yap-yap-yap
The people on the bus
go yap-yap-yap
[Man On TV] Laverne De Fazio
and Shirley Feeney!
- Casablanca.
- [Laverne] Casablanca.
- Shit!
- [Man] Okay.
[Screaming, Yelling On TV]
Damn it!
Come on. Where is it?
Oh! Goddamn it!
Ugh.
[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna puke.
Oh!
Yes. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!
Hey, Walt, met your girlfriend.
Cute.
[ Voice Breaking ]
Yes, I need an ambulance right away.
My cousin had some kind
of asthma attack.
He's not moving. Okay.
I can't believe it. I-I'm in shock.
I thought he had
one of those inhaler things.
- His puffer? I couldn't find it.
- Yeah.
- You couldn't find it?
- No, we couldn't find it at first.
And then when we did find it,
it was all out of shit... of juice.
- Mist?
- Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.
- Mm. Know what his last words were?
- What?
- "Crystal, my sweet angel."
- Don't, don't.
"Go into my wallet
and take the ticket,
'cause you and Russ
deserve to have that money."
Oh, God!
Oh, fuck me. No fried clams?
- Crystal? I know, baby.
- Hmm.
It's insensitive to bring up
something at a time like this,
but I think
we do have a little problem.
What?
Well, with Walter gone,
we have no one
to cash in the ticket.
- God rest his soul and everything.
- I wouldn't worry about that.
- Why?
- I've got plenty of relatives.
In fact, I'll probably see
a lot of them at Walter's funeral.
No. You know,
l wouldn't bring them into this.
- I mean, they've suffered enough.
- [Woman] There's Russ Richards!
He's more handsome in person!
- [ Sniffles ]
- It's times like this you wonder.
You wonder if there's
a higher being out there.
- Maybe it was just Walter's time -
- All right! Key lime pie.
[Rock]
- Hello, Jerry, mate. How are you?
- Gig.
- Wanna hear a cute story?
- I would love to hear a cute story.
You know i got a grandson,
six years old.
- That's a great age.
- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
He says to me the other day,
he says,
"Pop-Pop, when i grow up,
I wanna be a bookie and run
a numbers racket just like you."
Ohhh.
I know. I melted.
And then he asksme,
he says, "Pop-Pop,
when people play the numbers,
what number do they try to win?"
So i explain to him.
I say, "Sweetie,
every week we bookies,
we get the number from someplace
customers know we can't control."
- And he says, "Like Sesame Street?"
- Lovely that, isn't it?
It's amazing what these kids
come up with, isn't it?
It's amazing. And i say,
"No, no, no, no, not Sesame Street.
We get the number from
the lottery drawing on television,
the last three digits
of the real lotto,
because everyone knows
no one can rig the state lottery,
which means no one
can rig a bookie's number."
- That's right.
- And he looks at me.
You know, big long look with
these big brown eyes, and he says,
"And I bet no one can win either!"
[ Chuckles ]
He's a genius. Kid's a genius.
After all, h-how often
do I have to pay out?
- Once, twice, three times a year.
- If.
If. So, moving right along.
Next day, guess what.
I had 12 people hit the same number.
- No shit!
- Yeah.
Which even a six-year-old kid knows,
statistically, it's impossible.
Out of the realm of possibility.
Can't happen.
- I don't know what to tell you.
- Here's the funny thing, though.
When i looked at
the people who picked,
a pattern started to emerge.
- Really?
- Yeah. Your ex-wife.
[ Laughing ]
Your ex-wife.
Your ex-wife's mother.
Her mother's sister.
Your dentist.
Your cousin Vic.
A few other stray crinkly leaves
from the family tree.
They all played variations
on the same number.
- You know, Jerry.
- Hmm.
If it wasn't for the fact
that we are dear friends -
- We are dear friends, right?
- Dear friends.
I would suspect that you
are accusing me of something.
Of what?
I mean, Jesus Christ himself
can't rig the state lottery.
Thank you.
Unless -
Unless Jesus had a buddy
down at the TV station.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
- Ahh.
Nah. [ Chuckles ]
A real stumper, huh?
- Yeah, a fucking head scratcher.
- A fucking head scratcher.
Fucking head scratcher, mate.
You know, I got some pals
down at the D.A.'s office.
Always looking for
a good head scratcher.
Now, Jerry, you never told me
you had a grandson.
I don't.
[Laughing]
Hello, Dale, love. How are you?
- What you gonna do tonight, Kippy?
- Gonna watch Sports Center.
You're gonna watch Sports Center,
and you're gonna see if Winchell
is still out with the knee thing.
[Jerry] And if he's still out
with the knee thing,
we gotta change the spread
on Detroit, right?
- Right.
- So what are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna watch Sports Center.
- Go home. Watch it. Go. Tonight.
- Good night.
- [Car Door Slams, Engine Starts]
- Oh, beautiful. Lovely. Flat tire.
- Oh, the shark has such teeth
- Kippy? Kippy!
- It shows them pearly whites
- This is just lovely.
- Just a jack knife
- Has old Mac Heath, babe
-Just lovely.
And he keeps it out of sight
- Ah!
- You know when that shark bite
With his teeth babe
Scarlet billows start to spread
Fancy gloves, though
wears old Mac Heath, babe
So there's never
never a trace of red
No won the side walk, huh, huh
Ooh Sunday morning, uh-huh
Lies a body
Just oozing life, eek
And some one's sneaking
Round the corner
Could that someone
be Mack the Knife
Nine!
[ Announcer ] And the sixth.
- Twenty-seven!
- Ooh, twenty-seven.
What the hellis she up to?
You're not smart enough
to pull a thing like this off.
Balls are just laying there.
Hey.
- [ Chuckling ] How are you?
- Hey!
Hey, you're that, uh -
you're the, uh -
- Weatherman.
- Oh, shit!
- Hey, I watch you every night!
- Yeah? Thank you.
- Let me give you a hand with that.
- No, it's okay.
- I insist!
- I can carry my own groceries.
Wow, man! It must be great
having a job like yours, no?
Well, it, uh, it pays the bills.
Nah, you guys just read
a bunch of crap from cards, right?
Cold in the east, a storm right.
It looks like rain. Aah!
It's more complicated than that.
Let me askyou - I'm trying to plan
my birthday in a couple of months.
Can you tell me
if it's going to be a nice day?
Oh, right, hey, nice meeting you.
Always great to know a fan.
Your name was?
- Dale.
- Dale.
- Yeah.
- The thug?
So, Russ, i just want to apologize
about the last time we spoke.
I wasn't really feeling good.
I was feeling sort of vulnerable.
I had fear issues come up,
being arrested and all.
- Oh, yeah.
- Plus, I was drinking,
which I'm really not supposed to do,
you know, on the medication.
- Oh, I see.
- Can I have some of these?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- You know, it wasn't a good moment.
I just wanted to make an amends.
Hey, listen, don't you worry.
The truth is,
l should be apologizing to you.
I was gonna call about the $10,000,
but the station got so busy.
Don't worry about
the ten grand, Russell.
- It's water under the bridge.
- Really? Wow!
I didn't know that. All right then.
Okay, let's celebrate.
Yeah, because the new number
i have in mind is about half a mil.
[Spits]
[ Clears Throat ]
Come here, Russ.
- I rather not.
- Russ, come sit down.
- No, no.
- Russ, sit the fuck down!
Okay.
Unfortunately, Russell, we have
a new wrinkle in the situation.
Oh, really? What's the wrinkle?
Basically I had to play pinata
with Jerry the bookie's skull.
- That ups the invoice a little.
- Is he okay?
- No, he's dead.
- Oh! Oh, God.
You know, okay.
I'm really uncomfortable
with this kind of conversation.
You know, not to mention,
I broke my 1986 World Series
commemorative bat.
- Oh, yeah?
- It was a gift from my mother.
She's gettin' a little old, and
she's not feeling good these days.
- Hasn't left the house in 6 weeks.
- Okay, just give me -
You killed Jerry the bookie
with a bat?
It's not like a half mil is gonna
hurt you with that lottery ticket.
- Get me the money, Russ.
- Ohh!
Great, Gig.
We gotta talk about this.
I'll fuckin' ball-bat you,
you creep cock sucker.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
[ Coughing ]
- Mint Listerine?
- Yeah.
- When did they come out with this?
- I don't know.
- Is it good?
- Yeah, it's good.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Look, just give this Dale guy
a little extra money.
- It's better than losing it all.
- Better than being dead too.
Crystal, he hits people
with commemorative bats!
He's not gonna hit you with a bat.
He's your friend.
- What?
- Wanna see the jacket i got?
He's not my friend. I just met
this guy. How can he be my f -
- Look - $900.
- [Sighs]
Made in Italy.
I'm not screwing around anymore.
If it wasn't on a boat,
l don't want it.
Stop buying things from Italy.
You are not a millionaire.
We - We are not millionaires.
The first thing we gotta do is find
a reliable, non-asthmatic person...
to cash in this ticket A.S.A.P.,
or we're dead.
Funny you should mention that.
- I think I have another candidate.
- Oh, yeah? Who?
This guy that I was seeing when
l was waitressing at the racetrack.
I think he still works there too.
A real sweet guy.
Bought me a really expensive parrot,
too, from Brazil or something.
My cat bit its head off.
You hated that fucking bird,
didn't you, sweetie?
The racetrack, eh.
Well, actually,
he's an unofficial employee.
He injects horses with some shit
that makes them run faster.
Forget it. Cross him offthe list.
Forget him. Who else?
There is Scatter,
the guy who installed my carpet.
- I went to high school with him.
- The man's name is Scatter?
Yeah, well, he's a total coke freak,
which could work in our favor
because he usually needs money.
No, junkies are problematic.
Let's keep thinking.
Mm-hmm.
- Wanna have sex?
- Oh, yeah.
You know, i...
I wasjust feeling good that day.
Yeah. I, uh...
I don't know what to say.
I'm at a loss, boy.
I'm at a total loss.
I mean, here you are,
supposedly injured, all right?
You're collecting your lieutenant's
salary and full disability.
I didn't even want to do this.
Matt had to talk me into it.
You know how stupid I felt?
The lower back, it's an enigma.
Pat, I'm gonna be straight with you.
Obviously I have alternatives
to pursue, but I'm not gonna...
because - cause I don't
want this getting out.
All right?
It makes everybody look bad.
But from now on,
you are back on full patrol.
Here. Get started with this.
- A missing person's case?
- Yeah, a bookie.
Jerry Green.
No one's seen him for about a week.
Huh. Jeez.
- What happened to him?
- I don't know, Pat.
That's what
you're supposed to find out.
Right. All right.
We talked earlier about the fact
there's a shortage of wading pools.
Dick?
Judy said you wanted to see me.
Oh, hey, sport. Have a seat.
Be right with you.
- [Chuckling]
- Is that Chuck Rhodes?
This guy kills me.
- I found Crystal too.
- Hiya, kid. Judy, close the door.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- What's going on?
- [Laughing]
[TV. Off]
- So, Russ, how's the finances?
- What?
- What?
- The finances.
- W-- Great.
- Good.
- You seemed in a bind last time.
- Well, that was then.
Terrific. And how are you, honey?
We haven't talked in a while.
- Did you know May left me?
- Jeez, I'm so sorry about that.
- Life's tough.
- And how.
- But you seem to be doing well.
- I'm great.
- But you seem to be doing well.
- I'm great.
Why wouldn't you be great,
with a friend like Russ here?
- Yeah. Look at that, huh?
- Oh, jeez.
Oh, boy.
How about that?
Don't say a word, not one.
Cause if i hear one comment like,
"What are you talking about?"...
- I'm gonna call the cops.
- What?
Wh-What do you mean? It slipped out.
We're listening. Go ahead.
I chewed on it for three days,
and I'm convinced I have evidence
to fuck you both up big time.
Bull. You don't have any evidence.
What is that?
- Stop it. Shut up. You shut up.
- You shut up.
Shut up! No. That's bullshit.
Dick, you have the floor.
You have the floor.
- Go ahead.
- Short and sweet.
I want half the money,
or i'll have you arrested, and
might even do it on the air, live.
- Imagine the ratings.
- I'd like to see you try, asshole.
- You're gonna see me.
- I'll kill you, I swear to God!
- I'm gonna kill you!
- You treacherous little bitch!
You got one week
to get your shit together.
- You listening? I want the money.
- [Door Slams]
Okay. Okay.
Okay, let's do a little math.
You want 20 percent,
Dale wants half a million,
and Dick wants half of everything.
I don't have a calculator,
but it seems I'm in debt again!
Dale's money comes out
of your share. He's your friend.
- Not my friend. He's his friend.
- I hardly know the man.
Who cares?
It's all fucking moot now.
The only thing that's moot to me
is the Dick Simmons issue.
You get a toothache,
you pull the tooth.
What does that mean?
- Let's kill the son of a bitch.
- Oh, God!
- [Crystal] Yes!
- No!
One call to Dale,
we're back on track.
Absolutely! Let's do it.
What is wrong with you?
He threatened us.
Just remember that.
- It is extortion.
- Does that mean he's gotta be dead?
- We're not giving him our money.
- What money?
That worthless scrap of shit?
Yeah, okay.
Maybe it's time for your friend,
the drug-addicted carpet installer.
- Oh, Scatter.
- Scatter! Yeah! He could help.
This is killing me. I have slept
five hours this whole week.
- Oh, God, here we go.
- I have dandruff with big flakes.
I've gained two pounds!
Listen to my voice.
I'm losing my instrument.
Shouting isn't helping.
- [Woman] Hey, Gig?
- Yeah?
There's a couple of cops
in the club asking for you.
- I'll be right in.
- Oh, great!
Cops in the club. I've always
wanted to give an inmate fame.
They kill the celebrities first,
and then they fuck 'em in the butt.
Will you just relax, please?
There are cops always in this club.
They're probably just arranging
an engagement party or something.
-Just hold on a tick.
- Yeah.
[Stereo]
Toe to toe
Dancing very close
-Body breathing
- [Gig] Goodevening, Officers.
- What can I do for you?
- Are you the owner?
Yes, I am. Gig.
Gig, do you know a guy
by the name of Jerry Green?
He apparently is known
to come in here.
Yeah, Jerry the bookie.
Comes in here all the time.
Has he been in here lately,
because, I mean,
nobody's seen this guy
around for a while.
Ah...
about a week ago, I think.
Huh.
Back to back
Sacroiliac
Spine less movement
- And a wild attack
- You wanna get back to this?
- Maybe ask another question or two?
- Yeah, yeah.
Where... do you find girls like that?
I mean, who'd do that kind of stuff?
Well, you know,
it's remarkably easy.
You'd be surprised.
These two, I believe,
we imported from upstate New York.
I was gonna say,
they seem like... Albany girls.
Uh, so, anyway,
we just wanted to drop by...
and find out
if you've seen this guy.
Well, I'll let you know.
Although, with Jerry,
he could be shacked up anywhere.
He's a bookie, for Christ's sake.
It was nothing. Nothing.
The word "lotto" never even came up.
- See, Mr. Crazy Man?
- Thank God!
- They were checking on Jerry.
- They asked about Jerry?
- Yeah, yeah. It was just routine.
- Not routine.
It's called a murder investigation.
No, trust me.
Dale took care of every thing.
They'll find a cure for cancer
before they find Jerry.
[MaleAnnouncer] Live from
Harrisburg and News Center Six.
Covering Harrisburg, New York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,
it's News at Five
with Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...
and Russ Richards with the weather.
This is News at Five.
Our top story tonight:
The body of a local bookmaker was
found floating in the river today.
Police say it was foul play
and are following leads.
More on that story in a moment.
First, let's check in
with the weather center...
to see if we can expect more of
these spring-like temperatures.
Russ?
Russ?
Oh, yeah?
- How about these temperatures?
- What?
The uncommonly warm weather -
will it continue?
- Russ?
- Russ?
Uh, um, wh-what was that question?
Thanks, Russ.
Well, it seems like we can keep
those thermal socks in the closet...
for the time being then.
That's right, Dan.
Police are calling it...
the crudest attempt to dispose
of a body in recent memory.
Jerry Green of Linglestown...
was apparently
bludgeoned to death...
and then dropped into the river
with a brick taped to one wrist.
This was insufficient weight
to keep the corpse submerged.
[ Sighs ]
What time did they pull
this bookie out ofthe river?
Scotty told me around 6:00.
Ted told me 8:00.
It's like a fucking guessing game.
They pulled him at 6:00
and bagged him at 8:00.
Was he nude?
Somebody said he had a T-shirt on.
Why don't you get off your ass
and check the reports, man?
I'm going with nude.
I'm so glad
this thing is finally over.
What does that mean?
We don't have to look
for this guy anymore.
Gee, wouldn 't it be great
if we found out who killed him?
I realize that entails more work,
but I'm just thinkin' out loud.
Has it ever occurred to you,
Chambers, that he was drunk...
and he just slipped off the bridge?
Hmm?
A little thing called an accident.
Why is everybody around here
so foul-play happy?
The man was bludgeoned to death,
Lakewood!
His skull was bashed in, he had
a plastic bag over his head...
and duct tape around his neck.
Keep going.
[Man On TV] You're in
a very small, select group of guys.
What is it
that makes you successful...
and all the others knocking
on the doors not so successful?
[Man #2] I'm not so sure.
As i travel, i see television guys
who would make good game show hosts.
- But i don't tell 'em.
- [Laughter]
To me, a game show host
is the icing on the cake.
But the format is the cake.
No one -
[Man Talking]
I'll love you till the day i die.
Yes! And again.
[Man] At 2.15 that afternoon,
Johnny Clay -
[TV Continues, Faint]
- He's expecting me.
- Come in.
I don't know why I did it.
It all unraveled and then
one thing happened after another.
Jesus. I'm still in shock, boss.
I'm in so much trouble, Larry.
No man becomes wise without
stepping on the soil of fools.
Right. Right!
But I never claimed to be a -
That's good. Where did you get that?
Is that from the Bible?
It's from this play I wrote
in eighth grade about Evel Knievel.
- Oh.
- What are you gonna do?
Well, I have a plan, i do.
But I need money. I need it fast.
I was thinking about that guy
who wanted the snowmobiles.
- Yeah.
- You think he's still interested?
Yeah, I think so, but you'd have to
find some way to deliver 'em.
Set it up. Set... it... up.
- [ Dick ] $100,000?
- That's right.
You wanna sell me a lotto ticket
worth $6.4 million for $100,000?
Correct. I want out.
However, this is
a one-time-only offer, Dick.
I want the money,
l want it tonight at the station.
If I hear any excuses, any bullshit
like, "I can only get part of it"...
or "I need more time,"
the deal is off.
- Be reasonable. It'll take days -
- Deal's off.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.
- Good decision.
[ Russ ] Now, I believe that
i have solved all of our problems.
[ Crystal ]
What century is this guy in?
Put a motor on it, Jake!
A year and a half behind this freak.
One, I found a buyer for
the snowmobiles, a guy in Colorado.
I'm renting a trailer,
and i'm gonna deliver them myself.
- But why Colorado?
- But, uh, uh!
Number two: the lotto ticket.
I sold it to Dick.
- Hundred grand. It's his problem.
- I don't think so.
Numberthree, which is probably
the most important of all,
I'm leaving tonight for good.
Now, questions?
[ Tires Screech ]
You fucked up the whole thing!
You screwed it all up!
- Stop it!
- You brain-damaged fool!
God, and i picked out a car
and everything!
Hey, now listen.
If I didn't do this, we'd be
in jail or at the river bottom...
- with bricks taped to our wrists.
- [ Groans ]
- And you know it.
- Oh, my God. You're so stupid.
- Oh!
- Oh, Crystal.
- We are under surveillance.
- Oh, yeah?
Yes. Last night I stopped by
a convenience store.
A cop pulled in behind me,
he got out, he followed me in...
and then he pretended
to get a cup of coffee!
Did he pretend to get a doughnut?
- Oh, you know--
- You are nuts!
- You need to see a psychiatrist.
- Oh, I'm nuts?
- You can't handle this!
- What about this little puppy?
There's enough mist in this thing
to save ten masturbators!
[Rock]
Ain 't no big thing to wait -
- That's an ugly turn of events.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mmm! What is this?
- [Continues, Faint]
Schnapps?
What, am i in third grade?
- Can i have a drink, please?
- Let's talk this through, shall we?
You're saying that Russ,
in his infinite wisdom,
- Yeah.
- sold the ticket for a 100 grand.
Can you believe it?
A $6 million ticket!
- I've got more brains in my... shoe!
- [Glass Shatters]
Russ never really had the stomach
for this sort of thing, did he?
I do, and I want that ticket back,
and I want Dick Simmons dead!
Do you hear me?
Fine. Fine.
Speed dial. I love it.
And I want his head cut off so i can
hang it from my rear view mirror!
- That's just your anger talking.
- Yeah.
Dale. Dale, it's Gig.
- His machine.
- Oh.
Um, see, things have got
a little bit sticky over here.
Slight change of plans, nothing that
your deft touch couldn't rectify.
So either swing by or call back.
That'd be marvelous.
- Thank you.
- Great.
- Slight snag though.
- What?
Well, Dale - blesshim - has been
doing favor after favor for us.
If it's not one thing,
it's the other. So -
- So what's your point?
- [ Sighs ]
If he's gets the ticket back for us,
we'll have to give him more money.
- No. No way. NO.
- That would only be fair.
There is a limit to my classiness.
- Quite obviously.
- Shut up!
I'll handle this.
You just leave Dale out of it.
Bunch of morons.
I have to do everything myself!
- Hi.
- Well, well, well. Look who it is.
An old face from the past.
What's on your mind, gorgeous?
- Oh, just wanted to say hello.
- Really? That's sweet.
'Cause the last time we chatted,
l believe you threatened to kill me.
Gee, has something changed
since then?
You really did out smart us,
didn't you? Screwed us royally.
- I'm impressed, Dick.
- I'm like a lion that way.
I hide in the weeds, bide my time,
then i jump out and tear the ass
off some dumb buffalo.
Ooh. So, Mr. Lion,
how are you gonna
cash in that ticket?
I'll think of something.
Don't lose any sleep over it.
Believe me, honey,
i sleep like a baby,
'cause the second you try
to cash in that little fucker,
I'm going to the lottery commission
and tell them everything.
If you did that, I'd rat you out
quicker than a frog can take a piss.
Mmm.
- What do you want?
- Halfsies.
Half.
Have you been exercising?
'Cause you look great.
Deal.
Nothing like rekindling
an old friendship.
Hey, that's him. Wagstaff.
- Wagstaff?
- Yes, Wagstaff.
Are you sure?
Light hair, 6'2' lives here.
You need anything else?
- Does he have a record?
- You should read the report.
Wagstaff was overheard bragging
about the bookie's murder in a bar.
Oh, what a jerk.
You know what would
be unfortunate?
If we got into that whole
let's-follow-him rigmarole.
- [Tires Screeching]
- Oh, perfect.
[ Grunting ]
Oh, man! It's getting cold out, huh?
I never realized
how heavy these were.
K.C. inducted engines, twin carbs.
Just touch that throttle and boom!
It's like gettin' a chick off.
- That wasn't your sales pitch.
- Oh, yeah.
You actually said that to people?
Well, you know,
just, like, biker types.
Huh.
Hey, Russ.
Checkit out.
I don't believe it.
I thought you called for
partly cloudy and pleasant tonight.
A backdoor cold front.
- A what?
- A backdoor cold front. Rare.
Almost impossible to predict.
The atmosphere -
a beautiful yet fickle beast she is.
Is that from the Evel Knievel play?
Yup.
[ Sighs ]
[ Engine Backfires ]
[Backfires]
[Chambers]
Where in the hell is he going?
Beats me.
He's definitely up to something.
Definitely.
We should call for backup.
You know, it never hurts.
You know, backup,
it's like an old friend.
It's like an old sweatshirt
you slip into on a cold night.
Are you listening, Chambers?
Get your head out of the clouds!
- Hey.
- [ Moans ]
Hey, wake up.
Come on. Wake up.
- Fuck it.
- [ Crystal Screams ]
- What?
- Wake the fuck up!
- What is this?
- What do you want?
- You know what I want.
- My wallet. Take the $50 out.
And don't hurt me!
I'm just sleeping over.
- Where's the ticket?
- What ticket?
- Gig sent you?
- The tooth fairy sent me, Twiggy.
- Who do you think?
- Hey, please leave.
Don't fuckin' play games with me.
I'm hopped up on wine coolers and
antidepressants. I don't feel good.
- Where is it?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
- No, I don't know.
- Do you like baseball?
- What?
- Do you like baseball?
- Yes.
- Who's your favorite player?
- Ted Williams.
Ted Williams. He had some swing.
It was sort of like this.
[ Both Screaming ]
No, hey, hey. Hold on.
Just take it easy.
I'm gonna call for backup.
- I'm gonna go around the back.
- No, you're in cowboy mode.
Stop that! Wait for backup.
Oh, shit. Shit.
Shit!
- We speaking the same language?
- I'm gonna give him the ticket.
It's not worth it.
Life's too precious.
Good girl. That's all i ask for,
a little cooperation.
- Here's cooperation, you shit!
- Aaah! Ooh!
- Oh!
- Aah! Aah.
- [Door Slams]
- Police! Freeze!
Don't shoot! No, no!
There's a raving crazy guy up there!
Just go kill him.
Aah! Ohh!
Lakewood, I'm hit!
- Huh? Say what?
- Don't let him through!
Aah!
[Crystal] Somebody!
Get me a fucking robe!
- Isn 't it ironic?
- Yeah, ironic.
Just another word for saying
You're getting screwed.
But so what, right?
It's all over now anyway.
In a while, bim-bam-boom, I've got
this town in the rearview mirror.
- Hey, take me with you, boss.
- What?
- Yeah, a little Colorado road trip.
- No, no, Larry.
Come on. Let me go.
I'm practically a fugitive.
I can't take you with me.
Well, Russ, today, yeah,
I'm an authorized
Yamaha sales associate,
but tomorrow
l'm just another guy...
boxing peanut butter cups
at Hershey.
Come on, Russ.
I have faith in you, man.
You would just drop everything
to come with me?
Yeah, let the word go forth -
The Russ Richards freight train
is about to leave the station.
New horizons, new conquests.
- Ready to kick some new ass.
- Bob Barker, watch out.
Russ Richards is heading west.
Now let's see what's behind
door number three. Whoo-hoo!
You brought me fame and fortune
and everything that goes with it
I thank you all
- Come on.
- This will be no bed of roses
All right,
l'll take the first eight hours.
- Ever driven one of these things?
- Nope.
I consider it a challenge before
the human race and i never lose
All right. Here we go.
Hey. Yeah, baby.
[Laughing]
We are the champions
My friends
And we'll keep on fighting
Till the end
Damn the torpedoes!
Full speed ahead!
- Whoo!
- We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions
- So far, so good. Let's go.
- [Gear Shifts]
[Loud Crashing]
I'm not gonna look.
- I think that's a good idea.
- Yup.
[ Chattering ]
- Easy, easy.
- I got it.
Let's get him up.
- Dick, where's the ticket?
- [ Moans ]
- Answer me.
- He can't. He's been sedated.
Why did you do that? Oh!
Fuck.
Here.
Oh.
- Thank you.
- That was very brave tonight.
- Yeah.
- He was an animal.
No shit, the fucking creep.
Oops. Excuse my French.
Um, can i give you a lift...
to the hospital?
Why? I'm fine.
No, I meant,
to be with Mr. Simmons.
Oh, right. Yeah.
It's kinda late, and i have
a lot to do in the morning, early.
- Stuff.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, we might need
some more information, and, uh,
uh, i might call you.
I'm available.
- Fantastic.
- Okay. Can i go now?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
[Man] Get him out of here.
Hey, Chambers.
All right, hang on just a second.
[ Loudly ]
How you feeling, partner?
I'd feel a lot better if I could get
to the hospital. Make this quick.
We're all gonna pull you
through this, all right?
Positive attitude -
that's everything.
Hey, pal, he got shot in the leg.
I think he'll be fine.
Let's hope so. Be careful with him!
[ Larry ] What are you doing?
I'm trying to disconnect this
so we can get out of here.
[Radio Buzzes]
[Female Dispatcher]
Base to Car Six.
[ Groans ]
What?
Got a jackknifed tractor-trailer
at Route 22 in Devonshire.
- You're about a mile away.
- [ Sighs ]
Great. Now I got
another 20,000 forms to fill out.
[ Grunting ] Why do they
make these things out of metal?
Uh, I think it's twisted.
No, it's coming. It's coming!
- Oh, I don't know, Russ.
- It's coming!
Shit! Fuck!
Why - Why the hell
is it snowing now?
Why the fuck is it snowing now?
Fuck! Fuck!
- [Siren Wailing]
- Uh-oh.
Don't say a word without a lawyer,
even if they beat you.
- Stay strong.
- Not tonight. Nobody's beating me.
You get out of here.
I don't want you mixed up in this.
- If i go to jail, I'm goin' alone.
- Wait!
Your money's in your briefcase!
Don't do it! Don't take that sled.
It's a piece of shit.
Take the 4-40!
Excellent power-to-weight ratio.
- What?
- Two-year unlimited warranty!
- An on board toolkit!
- Okay! Fine!
This beauty is built for you!
- Hand warmers, halogen lights!
- Shut your trap. I got it!
No! Pull the choke.
The lines are dry.
- No, don't flood it.
- You said pull the choke.
Finesse. Like getting a chick off.
We went over this!
- [ Engine Rewing ]
- All right, you fellas.
It looks like you're in need
of some assistance.
- Get back!
- Huh?
- Back off!
- Huh?
I said back off, motherfucker!
Hey. Hey!
Ho! Oh, man!
Give me the case.
Whoo! Hoo-hoo!
Whoa!
Hail Yamaha.
Ah, Jesus Christ!
This night never ends.
[ Grunts ]
[ Siren Wailing ]
Let me loose, I just got back
- I was pushed and i got dragged
- Okay, kids!
Now it's time to play
the snowmobile game,
with your host, Russ Richards!
Destination anywhere
So far gone, I'm almost there
Can't you see, i can't deny
I'm outta here like I'm on fire
Livin' like an animal, criminal
Television newsman
so subliminal
Bringing down the walls
of wonder land
Ohh!
Just another high brow cowboy
tellin' me everything and everyone
And all the things i oughta be
- Here i am your demolition man
- Oh, jeez! Aaah!
[Woman]Russ? Russ.
- Russ.
- No.
- Russ.
- No.
- Russ!
- Oh, my God.
How you feelin'?
- You got pretty banged up there.
- That's beautiful.
We figured you'd be up in a minute.
You were singing "My Way.''
You are so funny. You're as funny
in a coma as you are on TV.
- I can't believe I'm alive.
- One more.
You get it?
Okay, you have a visitor outside.
I'm gonna get your dinner,
and I'll be back in a minute, okay?
- Okay. Bye.
- Yeah?
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Officer, please don't upset him.
- I'm not gonna upset him.
You're in big trouble, mister.
- No. Oh, God.
- Yup.
- You're gonna have to pay for it.
- I told them, Officer.
I said it was stupid at the start,
but nobody listened to me.
That's good. Remorse. Nice candy.
'Cause, for starters,
we're looking at three big ones.
Oh, God! Three big - Three years?
Three hundred dollars.
What?
For the windshield.
Plus, there's
this little baby right here.
You'll have to put that together
with tape, but it still counts.
- This-- This is a ticket.
- Yeah.
For operating a class-two vehicle
without a license. Weight class two.
Can't this wait? Mr. Richards
is suffering from a concussion.
- We're talking.
- There's nothin' on it.
My pen ran out of ink.
Officer, i really must insist.
From doing paperwork all night,
between you and saving your boss.
- My boss?
- Dick Simmons.
- He's right down the hall here.
- Wh-Why is he here?
Some thug broke into his house.
Broke his legs with a bat.
Officer, please.
- Boom.
- Was it - Was it Dale the thug?
Well, i don't know.
Some jerk with a plaid shirt.
But don't worry.
[ Imitating Gunfire ]
I killed him.
Oh, jeez, that's just...
- Come on. Thank you.
- [ Crowd Clamoring ]
Back, back, back, back!
- Scoot! Scoot!
- Yes!
[ Stifled Chuckling ]
I can't stand it. Yes!
[Loud Clattering]
What?
[ Blubbering ]
Dick, I'm back.
This is the lightning round.
I'm calling the shots now.
- Quiet, I'm trying to ski.
- Look, I got your money.
I'm gonna give it back, but I need
the ticket. Where's the ticket?
It's my show -
This is the plan. I'm docking you
for being an asshole.
And I'm docking Gig
for having people killed.
And I'm docking Crystal
for being a twisted, psycho bitch!
Starting today,
i decide where the money goes.
If anyone doesn't like it,
we're all going to jail.
- [ Gasps ]
- You give me that ticket.
Where is it? Where is the ticket?
I.. I gave it to Larry King.
Uh, no...
Got to learn to share your toys!
[Dan] The search is over.
The winneroflast month's
$6.4 million lottery jackpot...
has finally stepped forward.
She's a waitress at a local Denny's
right here in Harrisburg.
Pennsylvania's newest
multimillionaire is Wendy Fawcett.
Thankyou so much!
I don't know what to say.
I've never won anything
before in my life.
[ Woman ] Wendy, what are
you gonna do with the money?
I'm going to put some in savings
and some of it in checking.
And the rest I'll be sharing
with a good friend.
- And who's that?
- I'm not telling you! [ Cackling ]
And we're giving a lot of it
away to the Big Brothers,
the Sunshiny Day Club,
Asthma...
- [Man] Do you have asthma?
- No.
But many people out there do.
Wendy, how did you pick
the numbers you played?
- How did I what?
- How did you choose the numbers?
Oh, I get what you're saying.
Okay, I get it, I get it! Um, wow.
Uh, let's see, uh,
seventy... seventy is because...
a cheeseburger deluxe with bacon...
is 70 cents extra.
And, um, 16...
When I was 16, I went to a party.
And, uh, nine...
Well, nine, we all know,
is just lucky.
Oh, man. And, um,
seven is... I have seven Barbies,
not including the ones
that got their face chewed off...
by the next door neighbor's dog,
who's just such a great dog.
[Russ Narrating] There it is--
a story to tell your grandchildren.
Well, maybe not.
Dick Simmons was fired from WTPA...
after calling the network head
"the luckiest asshole on Earth."
He now teaches communications
at Pocono Community College.
Ethics.
Crystal married and divorced
a sickly 80-year-old millionaire...
and sued him for half his money.
She testified he was a Svengali,
a word she mispronounced
throughout the trial.
He was like... like this "Svenjelly".
[Russ] She lost the case.
You're making my dreams
come true
She works at Gig's
five nights a week.
No cover charge,
free buffalo wings with coupon.
Thirty-nine!
Gig bought an obscure stock
called Microsoft in 1990.
He now divides his time between
Harrisburg and his estate in Monaco.
Listen to this
I've done all my daydreaming
Oh, that sleep walk
should be over by now
As for me,
i moved to St. Augustine, Florida,
where it hasn't snowed in 50 years.
- [ Engine Starts ]
- And you know what?
I auditioned, and i was back on TV.
[Male Announcer] And now it's time
top lay north Florida cable's...
second-most popular game show,
Lucky Numbers,
with your host, Russ Richards.
- Hey! How are ya?
- [Audience Cheering]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hey. What a great-looking audience.
My goodness, I'd love to take you
home with me tonight.
How 'bout it?
Tonight, after the show?
Dinner for 250? Okay.
I'll make the margaritas.
All right, now...
[Narrating] You know, sometimes
i walk past an appliance store...
with 45 TV sets in the window,
and i'm on everyone of them.
At times like that,
i say to myself, "Why me?"
I mean, "Why me?"
If i had to answe rthe question,
i'd have to say, "Just Iucky."
You're making my dreams come true
Doo-ooh, doo-doo, doo-doo
Nights were warm
Dreams were easy
No one standing
Overhead
Conversation
Didn't mean much
We were hungry
but we could not be fed
Radio blasting
Silly little Iove songs
We only listened for the beat
Taking our chances
Out there on the mean streets
Hiding in the shadows
from the heat
From the heat
We weren't lovers
Just brave strangers
As we fought and we tumbled
through the night
We were players
Not arrangers
And we jammed
till the dawn's early light
Swimming in the big lake
Taking it easy
Taking any comfort we could find
Didn't need the real truth
Didn't need the meaning
Straight ahead
ignoring every sign
Every sign
And, oh, i remember
I know you do too
Oh, that one evening
I know you do too
The moon flying high
[Chorus]
The moon flying high
- And you took my hand
- Ooh
Ooh-ooh
You took my hand
Ooh-ooh
And it went allright
It went allright
It went allright
It went allright
Oh
So we walked out
Hardly speaking
Disappearing
In the night
Saw each other
A few time safter
But we never really got it right
We weren't lovers
Just brave strangers
As we rolled and we tumbled
through the night
We were players
Not arrangers
And we jammed
till the dawn's early light
- Just brave strangers
- Early light
- Just brave strangers
- Whoa-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-oh
Whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh
Yeah
[Woman]
I can't wait to go to heaven
Before i get my big reward
If i'm good i could
That's what they tell me
i've been working for
When i prove that i can do it
That's when
i'll get my big reward
Keep that big wheel turning
And my number
will come up for sure
I'm gonna get my big reward
Wanna get my big reward
Wanna have it all sewn up
Before I'm all grown up
Gonna get my big reward
Gonna get my big reward
Gonna get my big reward
Right now
Nevermind the odds against us
I won't give up mybig reward
We have to take our chances
We got a plan
and we can make a score
I'm gonna get my big reward
Wanna get my big reward
Wanna have it all sewn up
Before i'm all grown up
Gonna get my big reward
Gonna get my big reward
Right now