1
Tell a story
of a life together
every house an allegory
like the smell of smoke,
it lingers on
Astor?
- Hi.
- Hey.
You wanted to, um,
talk about Mila.
We broke up yesterday.
You were dating her?
Um... I want you
to help me get her back.
Oh, Mila and I
aren't friends anymore.
- That's okay.
- She hasn't changed at all.
Oh, well, you're probably
better off, then.
She was never interested
in people
for the right reasons, anyway.
Yeah.
Look, Mila wants a ladies man,
confident guy
who gets all the girls.
It's not you, is it?
I could learn.
Uh... You could teach me.
I just need techniques
that work.
4:00?
3 past.
Would you like
to grab a coffee?
You had to ask the time
before you knew
you wanted to ask me out?
Asking the time was my in.
I couldn't hit on you
straight up.
- Well, you should've asked straight up.
- It shows confidence.
- Okay. Okay.
- Let's go again.
Hey, what's up, girl?
Want to roll with me,
get some coffee?
Yeah, I want to roll with you,
right off my feet off the
sidewalk and into the gutter.
- Let's do it.
- Ain't happening.
You're putting on a persona.
Are you an actor?
- No.
- Then why are you acting up now?
Hold the bus.
12:00. May not be possible.
10:00, 11:00,
stop thinking with your cock.
What are you hesitating for?
Go.
- I can't run after her.
- That's desperate.
You said never look desperate.
You know the deal. Go now.
- Ah... Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
Um, sorry, uh,
can I ask you a question?
Sure, spit it out.
- Oh, that's charming.
- Prince charming.
- Well, what's the question?
- Can I buy you a coffee?
Uh, how long is this question
you have to ask me
over a cup of coffee?
That's the question.
I don't even know you.
I thought you were,
I don't know,
doing some environmental survey
or something.
No, I'm just a boy
asking a girl for a coffee.
- See that machine in there...
- Coffee is only $1.
Yeah. Go get high.
- Congratulations.
- Your first win.
If I was begging.
Asking a random cutie
straight up at this stage
was guaranteed
to get you knocked back.
- That was the plan.
- An evil plan.
To get you used to
being knocked back.
Didn't hurt much, did it?
Hurt like a paper cut
on my eyelid.
No pain, no game.
So you're saying I got game?
You're playing the game.
You haven't got game.
- But I be a player, yo.
- All in good time.
Right now, you pay to play.
You got the money?
I have to pay you?
No, I was just being silly,
but seriously, can I borrow $20?
Here you are, sir.
- Hey, you idiot.
- What?
- Oh! Oh! I-I-I-I...
- What is this?
What am I supposed to
do with this?
- I-I-I-I'm sorry.
- I didn't know.
I didn't... you should... but
buy your... buy another soda.
Buy yourself a soda.
Okay.
- Sorry, is my son bothering you?
- Come on, Astor.
- Idiot.
- Very sorry.
So, how did you and Mila
get together?
Well, let me tell you about it.
Must've been the mixing drinks.
Sambuca and bloody Marys don't
really go well to-together.
- Just one more cabernet.
- Well...
- Wee.
- Oh.
When they fight, they fight
Oh!
And when they come home
Oh.
- Happy Birthday, Astor.
- Your birthday cake.
- Thanks, mom.
- Cherry, like you like it.
Maybe tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Okay.
Was it too much too soon?
Was it little too late?
He got the message she left
on his car in the rain
and then the words
that come to you
Oh.
- Astor.
- Hi.
Hi. Hi.
You just can't let it go
You're a little drunk.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm just a little tipsy.
Okay. Okay.
There's no clocks.
Uh-oh.
Okay. Sorry.
- Okay.
- That's my boob.
Yeah.
You all right?
You love me.
You're the best.
No one loves me
like you love me.
I love you, too, Mila.
Mm.
Cold.
It's cold in your house.
I just puked in my mouth.
I told you to go easy.
It's not the liquor.
It's your sob childhood
sweetheart tale.
More than half the world
is female,
and you hold out
for someone you liked as a kid.
It's kind of pedophilic.
True love lasts the ages.
True love involves sex,
not abstinence.
You skipped teenage sex
because your 4-year-old self
had a crush?
I was a late developer. Highest
vocal range in the church choir.
Oh, so pedophilia came
naturally to you, then.
She was worth the wait.
Sip.
Rinse.
Spit.
Smile.
Kiss.
21 years and 43 days
since our last kiss.
Wow.
I think I remember.
It was behind the toilets,
right?
Did we just kiss?
- We were 4 years old.
- Right, so probably just kissed.
That'd be weird.
Who do you think's gonna be
happier... your mom or mine?
Probably yours.
Yeah, you're probably right.
She knows
you're everything I ever wanted.
Blind confessions of love
ain't gonna cut it
with a girl like Mila.
If you're too sweet,
you'll turn most girls off.
You need attitude, edge, and
a hell of a lot more confidence.
You paying attention?
- I'm taking notes.
- No, stop.
You've got to let it flow,
not produce a paper on it.
When you're a player,
you'll know.
The girls will know,
and everything will be easy,
like shooting fish in a barrel.
Hi.
One for every day
we've been together.
Just like Monday.
- How's your paper going?
- Good.
So unfair you get all this work
right when we've
become a couple.
Yeah. I know.
I can't really stay out that
late either tonight. Sorry.
- I've got some good news.
- I started studying cardiology.
I'm not gonna get a degree
like you,
but I thought perhaps
I could help you study.
That's really... that's sweet.
I've got another surprise, too.
But I'll tell you...
I'll tell you about it.
I've always been here
beside you.
Your beauty weakens my knees.
You never knew.
How could you?
Each glance and every word
a tease.
I couldn't believe it
when I had you.
I never thought
I'd break through.
I could only barely
hold back the tears
from my... Deep and frightful
fears.
This bond is new.
Though it'll go on
after we've turned to dust,
our children
will one day remind you
of this beautiful
love and trust.
Yeah!
Ooh. You first.
Yeah!
Oh. Okay. Okay.
Oh, you're so scared.
No, I'm fine.
I just... okay.
You can have it
if you want it
Ow!
Ooh, hey, that's my nipple.
Oh.
Did I do that?
Yeah. When we were 12.
That's the cigarette burn?
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
Your dad caught you smoking,
and you panicked
and put it out on my chest.
You got punished.
I still can't cook
with a wooden spoon.
Should I turn off the lights?
Yeah, I'm sobering up anyway.
Oh.
It's everything
you dreamed of
what you want
- Yeah.
- All right.
Okay.
Just don't blow it
everything's going down
Oh.
I'm surprised
you didn't get lost in the dark.
I think I might be a natural
in the bedroom.
Let's wait and see when you've
slept with more than one girl.
She might've been faking.
- Do you fake?
- No.
If a guy's inadequate,
it helps him to know.
When I give a compliment,
I mean it. Comes from the heart.
Or the clitoris.
It's not clitoral stimulation
that does it for me.
- It's inside.
- Me, too.
It's all about the heart.
I'm talking about the g-spot.
- Oh, the g-spot.
- I'll keep that in mind.
And don't worry.
I won't write it down.
Oh, that one
you can tattoo to your hand.
- Boo!
- Hey.
Oh, the main symptoms
of V.T. Are... no cheating...
palpitations, light-headedness,
and...?
I think I have V.T.
I'm serious.
I think I have V.T.
I don't want to do the exam.
Will you do it for me? Please?
I will do anything.
- Anything?
- Well...
...Maybe not anything.
Hey. So, this is the guy
you've been hiding, huh?
Hi. I am Astor,
and, yes, I am the boyfriend.
- Hi, I'm Jenny.
- Hi, Jenny.
- Astor.
- Oh. Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Whoa.
Sorry.
Boyfriend?
Want to come pump some iron?
Boost your testosterone?
Uh, my doctor says
I shouldn't...
got enough testosterone
as it is.
Hey, um, did Mila tell you
about my birthday party
on Saturday?
I was just telling him about
your birthday party on Saturday.
Sounds like fun.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
Lucky you got out of that one.
I got her an 89.
You did her exam?
I-I could've got it in the 90s
if I just knew
my aortic stenosis.
Any of this help
with your zoology degree?
My average dropped 10% with
the extracurricular studies.
I should've played hard to get.
- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Kiss! Kiss his face!
Oh!
What?!
I was... I was gonna do it!
- I know. It's fine.
- It's not your fault.
- All right. Astor.
- Your turn, buddy.
Truth or dare?
Truth.
- What is Mila like in bed?
- Boom!
Jake, come on.
You don't have to answer that.
A taste of warm honey.
A touch to lift
the hairs on your neck.
A tongue alive
with fire and talent.
And a heart that burns
with enveloping heat.
Wow.
That's beautiful.
- Yeah.
- Well, we're in love.
Paging Dr. I am in love.
Dr. I am in love.
- He's in the honeymoon period.
- Dr... I don't...
- Look at you. Heart on your sleeve.
- You're unstoppable.
If you feel it, say it, sister.
She's pretty amazing. Hey,
what else do you like about her?
Uh... I love the way
she looks on my bed.
- I love the noises she makes.
- Astor.
No, the noise... the noises
she makes when she sleeps.
She's the one.
I never wanted anyone else.
Okay, I-I think it's your turn,
Astor.
I'm sure everybody else
has stories to share, right?
Yeah, who do you choose?
I choose... Mila.
Truth or dare?
Anything but truth.
So, that's how
she got frostbite.
I thought it was a myth.
I thought
I was letting her off the hook.
I mean, who knew licking
a freezer could be so dangerous.
She couldn't even
kiss after that.
Is she a good kisser?
She's got a fiery tongue.
But when I said that,
I was actually talking about
her propensity for anger.
Oh.
I feel like I'm in junior high
dating a 15-year-old
swimming-pool lifeguard.
Surprised he didn't
give me a hickey.
I think he's cute.
I can't be with someone who's
still learning how to undo a bra
and confuses honeymoon period
with love.
I mean, I-I need someone
who understands women.
You could teach him.
And be his tricycle while he
learns how to ride a bicycle?
No, thank you.
Look, he'll settle
into the relationship.
He keeps giving me flowers
and more flowers.
They're always tulips.
They're not even fragrant.
I love tulips.
- I-I'm serious.
- I am... I'm done dating boys.
I want a man who has a choice
in women and picks me.
Look, I think
you found someone unique, okay?
- Yeah, uniquely inexperienced.
- Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Have you ever been in love?
I'm not the kind of girl
that falls in love.
You've had your heart broken,
too.
He must've been
a pretty special guy.
Nice try.
You know you might not
be able to win Mila back.
It's worth a shot.
You're gonna take some hits.
Hit me, bitch.
I won't be the one hitting you,
and you won't be
calling me bitch.
Biatch! Ow!
- You got to be strong, okay?
- Water off a duck's back.
That's gonna be your motto.
Water off a duck's back.
Please don't make me
try that line again.
- The line worked on me.
- I went home with the guy.
Yeah, a handsome guy, I'm sure.
- That's not the point.
- It was his delivery.
How did I become
your Guinea pig?
- I bought you in a pet shop.
- Chose you for your soft coat.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Sensitive. Sensitive.
Now get Guinea-pigging.
What about her?
You can try him if you like.
Oh, come on.
That girl there.
She's perfect.
Water off a duck's back.
Hi. Sorry, I...
I saw you outside before,
and I think you dropped this.
Uh...
That is definitely not mine.
- Oh, Jesus.
- That's embarrassing.
I'm...
- Did you say "Jesus"?
- Uh-huh.
I'm Roman catholic,
and I don't believe in
taking the lord's name in vain,
and I certainly don't believe
in sex before marriage.
"Purity."
Well, it's always a good idea
to keep safe.
Stop the spread of STDs.
I'm Roman catholic.
Right.
I might go...
Confess my sins.
What are your sins?
Monogamy, mahogany,
general misuse of wood.
You should definitely
keep that to yourself.
You're not gonna even
finish your drink?
How did that line
ever work on you?
It was my condom
that I dropped deliberately.
I wanted the guy.
- I told you it'd never work.
- Okay, fine.
But your improvising now,
and you've been knocked back
three times tonight
without even realizing.
Didn't we do this lesson
already?
Yes, but it's the most
important lesson.
You can't be phased
by a rejection.
Okay. Okay. I got it.
- Wait.
- You can't be phased by anything.
You know the number-one reason
a girl knocks back a guy?
- Wrong line?
- Nerves.
I'm trying to hide my nerves.
Her nerves. A rejection's
often not really a rejection.
It's just a girl being shy,
awkward. Got to ride it out.
Sail the storm
to calmer waters.
- Exactly.
- Keep the conversation going
until it actually
becomes a conversation
and not just a pickup line.
Okay, so you're saying I should've
kept talking to mother Mary?
Yeah, well,
she had a chastity ring on.
I think you gave her
enough time.
She would've spread her legs
eventually but not for a few months.
Charming.
You will be.
Okay. Give me a real technique.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Hey.
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
I, uh...
Hi.
Ooh.
Hi.
Hey, ladies. Drinks for you
courtesy of this guy over here.
- Hey there.
- Hey.
How's it going?
- Hi.
- Cheers.
Cheers.
I love Asian girls.
All right.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
Hey, wait! Come on!
Pardon my French,
but offering to buy girls
drinks... it's fucked.
Well, I can't teach you how
to be a player in one night.
- I-I agree with that.
- Hey.
Yeah.
Sure. Sure.
Oh.
Come on.
Yeah... okay.
Yeah, it works.
It's good. Simple.
Let me see
if I got every step right.
Grab and pull.
Shall we call it
the modified cave man?
Sorry.
Uh, wait.
Dancing.
Oh.
Morning, sunshine.
Mm.
You didn't go home with Franck?
Well,
I don't normally kiss and tell,
but since we're on topic,
yeah, he came home with me.
Anything else
I can learn from him?
Don't be too cool for school.
Be passionate.
That's the new cool.
But Franck's indifferent?
No, Franck's passionate.
About you?
Yeah, he is.
But the question is,
what are you passionate about?
Bubbles?
You didn't want to
take the lift?
Are we allowed to be in here?
Shh!
Ah.
Watch out for the glass.
It's a view.
We're not just here
for the view.
I stopped perving
on my neighbors when I was 12.
Come on.
Wow. They better not be bats.
They're birds.
I'm a birder.
It's a stopover
on their migration South.
They winter in Mexico.
How luxurious.
Tell a story
of a life together
every house an allegory
like the smell of smoke,
it lingers on
memory
been a long
and an uphill battle
had to learn how to pray
never miracles
it's only hope dousing pain
my eyes play tricks on me
line fades
'tween sky and sea
Miles away
the hours of heartbreak
in dark,
they're coming to get me
tell a story
of a life together
Today was so beautiful.
You're beautiful.
As clichd
as a response like that is,
it might actually
get you somewhere.
What about birding?
Is that gonna get me in
with the ladies?
- Why not?
- I think it's awesome.
You're awesome.
The shotgun approach?
Hit on every girl
you come across?
It's a good strategy.
Yeah.
I'll hit on anything
with two legs
so long
as it doesn't have a penis.
What about
the one-legged ladies?
Why should I rule them out?
Less chance of treading on
their toes if we go dancing.
Pretty unlikely
they'll kick me when I'm down.
How do you kick with one leg?
I'll hit on anything
with at least one leg
so long
as it doesn't have a penis.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It takes time.
Maybe you need a break.
No.
I'm ready
to get back on the horse.
A one-legged horse?
What?
Yeah, good luck.
No, that sounds dangerous.
That's not mine.
Could you hand it
to the server?
Hello?
- Kirsten?
- Yes.
- Ah.
- Hello.
Thank you so much.
Did you leave it here earlier?
- Yeah. Yeah. I'm an idiot.
- I'm sorry.
I was sitting right here
with some friends
just, you know,
not even an hour ago.
I've been here
almost three hours.
- Really?
- Uh, I... how rude.
I didn't introduce myself.
Astor.
Right. Astor, is that Frenchman
over there one of your friends?
That one?
How do you know he's French?
I've never met him before.
I've never... I don't...
who are you talking about?
- What is he smiling about?
- Uh...
Oh, he's an idiot.
Tell me
if I'm being crazy here,
but is this some sort of
elaborate ruse to meet women?
You think it's elaborate?
Good elaborate, bad elaborate?
- Just... just elaborate.
- Okay.
But look,
I've been waiting here alone.
My girlfriend left
like 20 minutes ago,
and I thought
I was doing a good deed,
but, um, it seems this is just
some pathetic pickup strategy.
- Okay. W-w-wait.
- W-wait. Wait.
I'm no good at meeting girls,
okay?
Women.
I'm no good at meeting women.
Does that mean
I'm not worth knowing?
No, I can tell
that you're not worth knowing
by your dishonest theft
of my time.
Hmm?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Is there any correlation between
a guy's ability to pick up
and his quality as a partner?
Uh...
A guy with no confidence
will stay with anyone
and endure anything.
If you never learn
how to talk to women,
you won't have the power
of a choice.
- Mm.
- I love a choice cut of meat.
Oh, no. Oh.
- Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
- No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Mila's friend
is right over there.
Go talk to him.
You have to be friends
with Milas friends.
No, this guy is awful.
- Go.
- Okay.
Jake. Hey, Jake.
Hey.
Who you here with?
My girlfriend's
in the bathroom.
Oh. I didn't know
you had a girlfriend.
New girlfriend.
- Oh, cool.
- Congratulations.
Hey, babe.
Hi, Astor.
Well, you don't waste any time.
- Hey, take it easy, okay?
- No. No. No. No.
She's easy. I suppose you two
just got it on in the toilet?
Did she tell you
that's her favorite spot?
You want to step outside?
- Yeah, I want... yeah.
- Yes, I want to step outside.
I got to, uh, dust off
my knuckle dusters first,
and I'll b...
I'll be waiting for you.
- You're a butthead!
- You're a headbuttee!
What does that even mean?
- Hey.
- Oh.
Ow!
So silly, Astor.
What?
- What happened?
- Is my eye still there?
What? What are you doing here?
- We're with Astor.
- Ow, my head.
Well, then he can tell you
what happened.
- I'm not done.
- Mila, I forgive you.
- Let's just go.
- Come on.
He headbutted me
in the nostril.
- Come on.
- Oh, come here.
I have an orbital fracture.
- What?
- Aah!
- What?
- Ow!
Ow!
My hand!
Ah! Oh!
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Aah!
Oh, hi.
Uh... Well, h... hi.
What are...
I'm... I dropped my keys,
so, um, would you mind
helping me look for them?
Sorry, 'cause I was like,
"who is this person?"
- Oh, I'm trinity. I'm...
- I moved in just off the back.
- Oh, you... okay.
- I'm Astor. I live right here.
- So, we're neighbors.
- Neighbor.
Yeah, and it's my duty,
apparently.
- Yeah.
- Let me see. Right here, huh?
- Yeah, well...
- Wait. Wait. Wait.
- Is that... is this them?
- Yes!
- Right here.
- Perfect. You're my hero.
Here you are. Sorry.
Why are you
pointing them at me?
- Here you go.
- It's caught in the...
- okay, I'm just gonna...
- Stuck on the...
- Ooh, that's gonna hurt.
- Well, you just... you do that.
Okay.
I never pick up keys that way.
I don't know why I did that.
I-I just pick them up normally,
like...
So, what are you thinking?
- Yeah.
- Well, um, thank you so much.
- Well, it was nice meeting you.
- You, too.
Perhaps, um, I can come over
for a drink sometime.
Or you... you can.
You come over for a drink.
I mean, that's not a command,
but if you want, you have...
you can do whatever you want.
- Sure, that would be...
- That'd be nice.
Um, well, it was good
to meet you, Astor.
What are you wearing
on your hands?
- What? These?
- Gets cold in Philadelphia.
You didn't want to try
boxing hand wraps?
Hey, I'm feeling triumphant,
Cali.
You can try and bring me down.
It ain't gonna work.
Well, power to you,
but can you at least tell me why
you insisted that I come to this
park at this ridiculous hour?
Girls, girls, girls
They grow on trees around here.
You want to hit on girls while
they're exercising in spandex?
Yes, I do.
Feed me a line.
Well, I don't know
how happy they're gonna be
about you
interrupting their workout.
- All right, fine.
- I already thought of one anyway.
- Go on.
- Okay.
I tell them I'm lost...
ask for directions.
Brilliant.
Genius. Well, go for it, then.
I will. See ya.
Good luck.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, um, are you lost?
I mean, I'm... I'm lost.
Franck?
Oh, my God.
I can tell you
that 50% of girls...
and I'm speaking
from a large sample size...
do not know
how to give directions.
You... Are a liar.
A charming liar,
just like everybody else.
I'll take charming.
Why does everybody lie to me?
I suppose they just
want to get in your pants.
Well, they can have my pants.
I don't want to
wear my pants anymore.
- Whoa! Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
- No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
You can take your pants off.
Just, let's... let me take you
home first, okay? Come on.
Everyone just wants to
take me home.
- No. No. No.
- Well, that's not what I meant.
All right, now... hey, hey, hey.
Keep your pants on.
Put me down!
- No, we're going home.
- No! I don't want to go home!
It's a time-out.
Ow! God!
- Ow!
- Oh.
Daddy, what are they doing?
Just...
All right.
You okay?
Franck?
It's Astor.
Hey.
My head hurts.
Huh.
Must... must've been
all the, uh, alcohol.
Was I really,
really embarrassing?
No. No. No. No. No.
No different
than any other child
who doesn't want to
wear their pants.
Do you want to head out
again tonight?
You sure you're up for it?
Ever heard of hair of the dog?
Yeah, but...
Did something happen
with Franck?
He went back to Paris.
When?
Mm. Should be in the air
right about now.
- He's a dog.
- He doesn't deserve you.
Let's just stay in tonight.
Hair of the dog applies
to relationships, too.
More like
hair of the one-legged dog.
I don't get it.
One-legged dog?
- I get the concept.
- What's the joke?
- Uh, I don't know.
- I'm just being silly.
Just trying to cheer you up.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Whoa.
- Oops.
- That was your fault.
I'll be in here.
So, Cali...
Cheers.
I said you could buy me a drink,
not stay and chat, so...
- Serious?
- Yeah.
Sorry, I'm waiting for someone.
Strike one.
She liked it
when I complimented her dress.
In fact, she made her dress.
She told me that
when I tried to tell her
my mom had the same one.
Oh.
Needless to say,
she knew I was pulling a line.
And your recovery?
- I-I didn't have one.
- Yeah, I kind of froze up.
Well, next time, try and push
past the awkwardness.
You know, apparently,
people have sex in this pool.
- Mm.
- Yeah. It's rancid.
Like, if you stick your head
underwater, you'll get pregnant.
Well, who's next?
That one.
Hi.
Can I just say
your heels are fantastic.
- Louis Vuittons.
- Oh. Oh. Of course.
No, no, I am familiar
with their work.
I bet you have
a huge collection.
I bet you have
a huge collection.
Oh, I don't wear high heels.
I'm not talking about heels.
Oh. Oh.
Oh, yeah, well, in that case,
I have, like...50 pairs.
But I bet you've got more.
What are you getting at?
- High... high heels.
- I bet you've got more.
I don't know.
I... I guess...
Well, you're short,
so you... The lift, and...
you're an asshole.
Ow!
Ah. Ah.
I'm not.
I'm no... I'm not, actually.
I...
She's so much stronger
than she looks.
Well, you'll get there.
Apparently, you're supposed to
mix a compliment and an insult,
and then they get confused,
and then they're determined
to get your approval.
Apparently?
Well, I've only been explained
the technique.
I haven't actually
put it into practice.
You're scaring me.
Okay, well, look, just stay
away from anything personal.
Third time's a charm.
- Okay. Okay. All right.
- Who's the man? Who's the man?
- Go.
- Who be the player?
Yeah. You... you are.
You got to test me
now I can start
just come and hold me
take me
Aren't you
a diamond in the rough?
Are you calling my friends
rough?
- No. No. No, they...
- They are a...
Lovely pair of... Of friends.
Is this guy bothering you,
love?
He basically just said
your sisters were rough.
- Did he now?
- Is that true?
- No. I was talking about...
- Uh, no. Um...
He's been harassing girls
all night.
You again?
You know, my foot really hurts.
And no.
I'm just being friendly.
Bit of a player, are we?
- No. Definitely not.
- Absolutely not.
In fact, you can ask any...
you... ask her. No.
- Is my friend Astor drunk again?
- Let me take him home.
- Wait.
- You want to take him home?
Yeah.
Are you gonna shag him
on your sofa?
That's not necessary.
Oh, yeah? What about this?
Hey!
Oh, my God!
Well, straight to.
What are you doing?
I got in with you.
- It's freezing.
- I know.
- How's that, mate?
- You like that?
Jerk!
That wasn't necessary,
but it was worth it.
Why have we to wait
so long?
People say
we're far too young
why have we to wait so long?
People say
we're far too young
too young
I... I'm sure
a lot of amazing guys
have been able to meet you
with these techniques, but...
...they're not for me.
I feel like a phony.
- No.
- You're definitely an original.
- Then why am I learning lines?
- No more lines.
No more pretending
to be someone else.
Okay. Um, well,
you're good at improvising.
We'll work on that.
- No. No, I get flustered.
- I always say the wrong thing.
I-I-I can't think on my feet.
Hell,
I can't even stand on my feet
after that girl stomped on me.
No, I'm... I'm not giving up.
I'm gonna go forward
with honesty.
And maybe
if a girl gets to know me,
she'll still dump me like Mila,
but... I'm too tired
to be someone else.
I'm sure there's someone
out there for you.
We've been having fun together.
Yeah.
You're heartbroken over Mila.
It's tattooed
all over your face.
I like you.
But you love Mila.
No, I think, um, I think you
should go with being yourself.
It'll work.
I hope so.
Should get out
of those damp clothes.
Slip into something
more comfortable?
I'll see you soon.
Can I sit here?
You look like the kind of girl
I'd like to know,
and if you let me sit here
for a minute,
I might be able to find out.
Okay.
I'm... I'll...
Uh, hello.
- Did you...
- Did you say something?
Hello.
Well, hi.
Pleased to meet you.
Yeah. Yeah. Me...
S-so, you've lost your voice?
No. I, um, this is my voice.
Oh.
It's kind of cute.
Thanks.
A hawk.
Red-tailed hawk.
Genus Buteo.
Species Jamaicensis.
That's right.
She sounds perfect.
I dumped her last night.
What? Why?
She bored me to tears.
You actually cried, didn't you?
I've never had to
break up with anyone.
It's kind of difficult.
I sent a 194-character message.
That's two SMS messages.
But I think if you do that,
people think
you're making an effort.
Well, I never thought I'd say
it, Astor, but you're heartless.
That'd be nice.
A heart does not beat
on blood alone.
I wish I could rip my heart out
and be done with it.
Surely, there are
other blood-filled organs
that can pump blood
around the body.
I don't know
how you can say that
when you just crushed a heart
last night.
I cried for her,
and I cried for me.
Yeah, but you loved it.
You think I'm indulging?
You ever get bored
when you're sad?
- No.
- So admit it.
- You find sadness entertaining.
- I'm human.
All I'm saying is that emotions
are addictive, good or bad.
- Oh, great.
- I'm an addict.
You recommend cold Turkey
or weaning?
Um, maybe desensitizing.
Ow! Come on, man! Ah!
How'd you mean it, then? Hmm?
I hope he makes you happy.
I meant it as I said it.
I wasn't being sarcastic.
Sounds sarcastic to me.
I would never use
such a low form of wit.
- You're using it now.
- He's using it now, isn't he?
- Hey! Hey!
- I respect you too much for that.
You sarcastic bastard!
Stop playing games, Astor.
Okay. Okay.
From the bottom of my heart,
I'm sorry I headbutted you
with my eye socket.
God, I could not hate you more.
- Now who's being sarcastic?
- You butthead!
- You love me, don't you?
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Okay. All right. Hey!
- Settle down.
And you. What are you doing?
I'm sorry I called you easy.
You're definitely not easy.
I was hurt,
and it made me nasty.
- He uses sarcasm.
- Just... you drive.
Hey.
I'll try not to get my finger
stuck in your ring this time.
What?
- Your key ring.
- Your little... I'm sorry.
That... that did not
come out right... At all.
I'm sorry.
How's your apartment
coming along?
Do you spy on
all of your neighbors, or...
Only the cute ones.
Let's hope
I'm not included in that.
Not anymore.
Hi.
You didn't
have to bring these back.
- They're not my size.
- Yeah.
Um, you should go.
Jake's inside.
You should really
talk to Cali again.
- Why? She's still angry at me.
- She's not gonna forgive me.
What's the point
of talking to her?
I can be there.
You know, you should just go,
Astor.
Okay.
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
What's this?
It's just... okay.
You had this?
Well, she left it at my place
by the bed... under it, really.
It was weeks ago, Jake.
The idea that Mila dropped
her drawers in front of you
makes me want to upchuck
in my mouth.
- Go right ahead.
- Just get out of the way.
- Jake. Jake! Jake! Jake!
- Hey, stop! Jake!
He's strangling me!
Stop!
Astor.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Jake? Jake?
- What did you do to him?
- What did you do?
Jake?
It's a myocardial infarction.
- A heart attack?
- He's only 28 years old.
No, he's got to
go to the hospital.
- I'm okay!
- He's okay.
- Oh!
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Baby. Baby.
- Do you have insurance?
- I'm okay. I'm okay.
- Are you sure?
Chest pains, dysemia, high-stress
individual, probable steroid usage.
- A textbook scenario.
- Get him out of here!
He needs to see a doctor.
- We're doctors.
- We can handle this.
You're med students, and your
grades aren't that good.
Just leave, Astor.
- Okay. We're gonna be okay.
- Okay? Just... yeah.
- You ready?
- Left here?
- Yes.
- Left here?
- Yes, right here... left.
I can't believe
there's a hospital around here.
It's a very residential
neighborhood.
Oh, my God,
I'm stuck behind a grandmother.
Move! Get out of the way!
- He's barely even breathing.
- Could you just hurry up?
Do you even know
where you're going, Astor?
- No. Not... not really.
- What?!
- I mean, I have an idea.
- I have a general idea.
- Give me your phone.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Just take the phone.
- He's really not good.
- Take the phone. Look it up.
- What?
Look up where the hospital is.
You probably
should've sat up front.
Three Miles ahead. It should be
on your right-hand side.
Are you sure
that's the closest?
- That's all we ha...
- Where do you want to go?
Just a free clinic?
God, this guy
is just riding me.
Put your brakes on
if he's riding you.
Make him crash into you.
I hate people who do that.
Well, we have somewhere to be.
Oh.
Already?
Yeah.
- Are you kidding me?
- Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah.
Blood flow's back to normal.
I...Might be ready to go again
in a couple minutes.
Have you said thank you
to Astor yet?
I will.
I'm just not looking forward
to it.
Well, he probably
saved your life, so...
I know. I know.
He's just gonna be so smug.
Why are you so happy
with yourself?
Do I need a reason?
Mm.
You could've
let Milas boyfriend die.
Then at least
she'd be available.
It was a toss up.
Impress her by being the hero
or let the opposition
annihilate himself.
Yeah. You probably
made the right choice.
Did you set this up?
I want you to be friends again.
Astor.
Just give it a shot, okay?
Can we just try, Cali?
I guess.
Thank you.
Let's all just promise
that we're gonna be mature
about this, okay?
So...
You walked in on Mila with
William James, is that right?
Not exactly.
So, you didn't
see them together,
but you knew
that they'd been together.
No. I was there.
Oh, you were hiding?
No.
William James and I
invited Mila to join us.
Where? I mean, I don't...
In your bed?
Like a...
like a... A... Mnage trois?
- Like a three...
- I'm really sorry.
I wish it'd never happened.
I guess
it wasn't really cheating,
but it was enough to end it.
Three years with one guy.
I actually thought I loved him.
How...
Okay, I think...
I think it's important that
we understand how this happened.
How did W.J. Instigate this?
Well, he knew
Mila and I were close.
He asked me
if I'd ever been with a woman,
if I'd ever thought about it,
if Mila and I had ever kissed,
and it grew from there.
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
I just wanted to
make him happy.
- Oh, you probably did...
- I'm guessing.
I don't... I'm gue... you know.
I-I thought it was something
you both wanted.
I obviously made a huge mistake,
and I'm sorry.
Me, too.
But how did it work?
Uh... I mean,
I-I-I-I've had a... Mnage un.
- A lot... a lot of the time.
- A lot of times.
But a mnage trois?
Just more people.
Hey, I thought maybe
it was time for that drink.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Come on in.
Yeah. Thanks.
This is a really nice place.
Oh, thank you.
Yes, uh, make yourself at home.
Sure.
So, uh, do you have any lemons
for the...
Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry.
Straight. It's how I do it.
Cheers.
Ah.
Just... Hello?
You don't need my advice.
- Uh, yes.
- I'd like to order a half-dozen.
Astor, if she's there with you,
it means she likes you.
Okay, how do I go about
getting more of the rump steaks?
- Put some music on.
- Get her dancing.
All right. I'll try those.
Bye.
That was my,
uh... Mail-order meat woman.
I like regular meat.
Always there.
Protein's good.
Yeah.
- Let's put on some music.
- Yes.
You want to put on some music?
Mm-hmm.
Normally, I dance by myself.
Come on, Astor. Get up.
- You mind?
- I think my head's bleeding.
Let me see.
I think it's bleeding.
Yeah. Okay.
Here. All right.
All right.
Oh, I don't see anything.
So, I guess...
Oh.
- All right, it's okay.
- Oh, yeah.
I got it. I got it. I got it.
No. No. No. No.
It's making it...
making it worse.
Here, let me just...
Voil.
What?
"You could get any girl
you want."
She said that?
This your meat lady?
I can't believe she said that.
I have to go. I'm sorry.
Can you let yourself out?
Hello?
How do I let her know
that I'm really into her?
She'll be able to tell.
- I don't think she does.
- I'm gonna tell her.
Are you sure
you're not gonna scare her off?
I mean, does she know
who you really are...
your birding, your loud mouth,
your silliness?
I mean, I love all that, but it
does take some getting used to.
She accepts me for who I am.
Well, if you feel it,
you can tell her.
Set my silly little heart
on fire
became my desire
you stood me up
What are you...
Do you think I'm the only girl
that likes you?
- What do you mean?
- I just rejected a girl.
Oh,
so you're feeling confident,
or you want to
make Mila jealous.
Am I not successful enough
with women for you, too?
Is that it?
No, you're a romantic.
You want to find the one,
and... Watch movies together
when it's raining,
make breakfast for each other
on Sunday mornings.
It's just, that's not me.
It's not what I want.
You stood me up
you stood me up
Hi.
I'm sorry about before.
Mm-hmm.
Oh!
- Oh, um, I'm sorry.
- Did I do something wrong? I did.
No, but your hairy tongue did,
so...
Should I go and shave it?
No, just cut it off, maybe.
And send it to you in the mail.
- Or just swallow it.
- Either way.
Uh...
Enjoy.
Mila said you really like
birds, so I brought you here.
I appreciate it.
Would've paid extra
for the Turkey if you wanted.
Poultry's poultry.
Turkey seems
a little bit more festive.
Did you have
a cerebral aneurysm
associated with your arrhythmia?
Huh?
A period where your brain
goes without blood.
How would I know that?
There's a test they do.
Oh, then, uh,
definitely don't have that
'cause they didn't do the test.
That's good.
So, um, thank you
for taking me to the hospital,
and I'm sorry
that I was a butthead.
That's okay.
You're not...
You're not gonna say
that I wasn't a butthead?
You were a little bit
of a butthead.
- No. No, I was not.
- Okay.
No.
Man, you really don't know
when to back down, do you?
- And you do?
- Yeah.
What about now. Uh,
is now the time to back down?
For me or for you?
I just...
Neither, man.
Boom!
Out this way.
You have anything
other than chicken?
Oh.
- Astor.
- Ah! What?
Hey.
- And you are twins.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Uh, trinity, divinity.
Trinity and divinity.
I suppose you have a sister
named naivete, too.
Or that's just me.
- We're twins, not triplets.
- Right. Okay.
So, it was you
that I was presumptive with.
Yeah. Trinity told me that
she didn't know anyone here.
Yeah, I was kind of
keeping you a secret, too.
I just thought you were creepy.
Sadly,
I have that effect on women.
Well, I think
you're pretty charming.
- Oh. Well.
- And I was, um... I don't know
if you wanted to have dinner
tonight or something?
Yeah. Yes. Great.
Let's all three have dinner.
Yeah. Sure.
Can I ask you guys
a silly question?
- Sure.
- Sure.
Have you two ever kissed?
She was born a Cali girl
the sun and surf,
it was her world
till mom and dad
had split apart
a broken home,
a broken heart
and then
she walked into my life
I swore one day
she'd be my wife
and I'm not sure
if I was wrong
and that is why
I wrote this song
about the girl I met one day
who took my heart
and went away
and left me there
to dream again
of all the things
she ever meant
of battleships
and butterflies
and all the tears
we ever cried
and hours and hours
of sunny smiles
Oh, God.
Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hi.
Uh, yeah, uh...
Jake and I broke up.
How did he take it?
Well,
he didn't have a heart attack.
It was... it was really
wonderful what you did for him.
Oh, well, I had to put all that
studying to some sort of use.
He's really appreciative,
and...
Yeah. Yeah. He bought me
that chicken dinner.
Can I just come in?
Can... Can we talk tomorrow?
Are you okay?
- I'm... Naked.
- Yeah.
- But otherwise, I'm good.
- Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.
Let's just... let's just
catch up tomorrow. Okay.
Hi. Who are you?
Who am I? Who are you?
Who's she?
Ah. Who are they?
Trinity and divinity.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay, guys. Here, let's...
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Ah!
- You all right?
Bye.
- Mila, please.
- What?
- Let's talk.
- Your twins are waiting.
They don't matter to me.
And that's why you're a slut.
- Those girls and I just kissed.
- That's it.
Do you know how many girls
I've ever slept with?
With or without
significantly different DNA?
One is the answer. Just you.
You were my first,
and you didn't even care.
- That's not fair.
- You suffocated me.
I felt like a kitten
in a plastic bag.
We had no chance.
But if you come home with me
now,
we can start again.
Did you break up with Jake,
or did he break up with you?
Why does that matter?
You only want me now
because other girls want me.
Then go sleep
with those other girls.
I might. I'm single.
That's a pretty big opportunity
for me.
I'm offering you
a second chance.
The timing is not ideal.
You sleep with those clones,
and we might not
even be friends.
Come on in. Water's fine.
I bet it is.
Don't be shy.
Cali.
Oh.
It's too late, Franck.
What about your girlfriend
in Paris?
Fini.
I don't believe you.
You never called,
and when you left,
you said
you weren't coming back.
I was taken by surprise.
I had to see you again.
Right.
Well, you're a phony,
just like the rest of them.
You're half a man.
Like your friend, uh, Astor.
He's more of a man
than you'll ever be.
In fact, he's about
the only real guy I know.
- What about George Clooney?
- He's a real guy.
Later, Franck.
Cali, I'm birding.
You want to join?
Hi.
It's so great
to be birding again.
I think I'm a convert.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Isn't this a funny thing to do?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Okay. Okay. Okay. All right.
Have a look in that tree.
A great horned owl.
Isn't he majestic?
- Yeah. I love it.
Yeah. Here.
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
They all kind of look the same
to me.
Not for me.
Birding's my passion,
like medicine is for you.
I can't wait to be a doctor,
to be taken seriously
for a change.
It won't be Mila or miss Klein.
It'll be, "yes, Dr. Klein.
Would you like a free upgrade,
Dr. Klein?"
Yes, I would, thank you.
"Is there a doctor
in the house?"
That'll be scary.
I don't know what I'd do
if that happened.
Wouldn't it be your duty?
I'm not gonna give
mouth-to-mouth
to some dirty homeless guy.
I guess that's beyond the call.
You're not gonna spend the
whole night flirting, are you?
- Of course not.
- Just that Cali's told me
that you've kissed
a lot of girls recently.
Cali told you that?
Is it true?
Excuse...
Busy bee.
Uh... I kissed a couple.
I mean, two separate people.
Not a guy and a girl, like...
Did she tell you that
before we got back together?
- I don't know.
- Does it matter? Oh, by the way.
You should probably
have a little more practice
before you dance in public.
Boop.
Shall I enroll
in some samba classes?
Hey.
Jenny!
Astor!
Hey.
Sorry.
You look awesome.
Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?
Come here.
Come on. Come on.
Mila!
Dry the tears you've shed
shed in the name of love
Whoo.
Oh, my God.
Look at this place.
- Astor, stop.
- Just... stop.
Stop.
We should break up.
What?
I don't make you happy.
Not everyone is happy-go-lucky
all the time, Astor.
- You should be.
- Why?
The world is not made up
of singing birds and dancing.
I wish my mom would write "happy
birthday" on my cake in jam.
I've never seen you eat cake.
I don't eat cake.
I'm a pretty face.
That's my value.
You're not just a pretty face.
You got a good body, too.
Right.
So, you've loved me
since we were kids
because I was
the prettiest girl you knew?
I thought you had some heart,
that maybe you love me
for other reasons,
that you would lift me
above that.
You've always been my girl,
but...
But what?
I...
We're no... we're...
You're actually
breaking up with me.
That's okay.
I'm gonna find happiness
on my own.
Besides, it's obvious
that you like Cali.
Oh, come on.
I mean, I saw the way her eyes
lit up when we were birding.
You guys have been
running around chasing girls,
trying to get you laid.
You think
women want to be played,
that we want to be seduced
by technique?
You think you understand women
because you've had a threesome?
I didn't sleep with them.
It's awkward when
you can't tell the difference
between two girls.
Do you honestly think
Cali's gonna want you
when you're so desperately
trying to be a male slut?
- Don't use that word.
- It discourages free behavior.
Male? I thought
that was the one word that meant
you could do whatever you want
and no consequences.
Actually, I meant "slut."
It's a dirty word
for "liberated."
I'm gonna tell you
one more thing.
Girls want a guy that's nice,
sure.
They also want a man.
Your sweetness is charming,
Astor.
But it's not always
gonna be enough.
Sorry for being sweet.
No, what? No.
Just... could you go?
You say
that we're different
I feel the same
sunshine and rain
make a beautiful thing
my strength is your weakness
my heart is own
your voice breaks my silence
then we're alone
sunshine and rain
Hey.
Hi. I'm trinity.
This is my sister, divinity.
Boo.
Hi.
It's good to see you.
It's going.
Come and sit down.
Hey
it's happened again
no
hey
I cannot leave
you know
hey
forget how to breathe again
hey
I cannot just leave again
I love your eyes
and your smile
so won't you please invite me
to stay for a while?
'cause the ride home's long
and the birds
will sing a song
if we spent this moment
together
watch the sun rise up
together again
mm
So, you, uh,
broke up with Mila.
Thought you loved her.
I love her like a sister.
Well, it's a good thing you
stopped sleeping with her, then.
Been on any other dates?
I'm taking a break
from all that.
Well, it's a numbers game,
Astor.
You look phased again.
No.
I'm just cruising along.
Take it or leave it.
Take me or leave me.
Like an old couch
on the sidewalk.
Some of those couches
are pretty comfy.
- And who are you chasing?
- Franck?
No. I opened my eyes.
You sure about that?
Are you trying
to hit on me again?
I'm not playing games.
I told you I liked you,
and I meant it.
- Yeah, I get it.
- No, you don't.
We had fun together, Cali.
Running around chasing girls?
We have fun
no matter what we do.
- Are we having fun now?
- Yes.
We would be
if you would just let me in.
You make me so happy, Cali.
And... and... and if you let go
for one second,
you'd see
that I make you happy, too.
Isn't that why you tease me
all the time?
I don't see how anyone
could resist making fun of you.
I'm yours if you want me, Cali.
We might just fall in love.
Yeah.
And you might
just break my heart.
Could you love me that much
that that would be possible?
Maybe.
That would be wonderful.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
Hey! Come back here!
Whoo!
Whoa!
Whoo!
Oh, my God.