"MY MOTHER"
Give me a light.
Thanks.
Bye!
-Did you wait long?
-No.
What do you think?
I was hot and thirsty.
That's all.
Careful.
It's wet.
You're so tiring!
I would have preferred
doing otherwise.
Or living otherwise.
But I let myself get
overcome by things...
Things foreign to me.
They settled in...
Little by little...
They destroyed my hope.
They began to rule.
You can understand
that when I was young...
this wasn't the life I dreamed of.
I didn't dream of this Iife
because I wasn't this person.
I was full of
joy and energy.
You didn't know me, Pierre.
As soon as you were born,
my youth fell apart.
I have the impression
that my life today...
doesn't correspond
to my true nature.
I have the impression
I haven't changed.
Still full of
joy and energy.
But unable to
prove it to others.
Alone in my joy and energy.
That's pretty awful.
Your mother is like me.
I don't mean she's awful.
She simply hasn't
changed either.
Like me, she wears a mask.
She's pretty
tired these days.
-Physically, she's fine.
-Can I go now?
-Want me to carry your bag?
-No.
-Give me the box.
-No, it's OK.
You lost weight.
You look bad.
I'm so happy to see you.
-I missed you, Marthe.
-Me, too.
Grandma sent this cheese.
Your mother is upstairs.
-It's heavy.
-No problem.
The pool!
You're soaked!
Is that all you can say?
I'll show you around.
I think I'll go
shopping this afternoon.
And you?
I don't know.
You can't stay inside the house
all afternoon, Pierre.
She just fell down.
Surely too much sun.
Or maybe she slipped.
Pierre...
Did he hit her?
Marthe, did he hit her?
Tell me if he hit her.
What are you talking about?
Be careful when you get
up tomorrow morning.
Be very careful.
Pierre.
Your father said goodbye.
He had to leave for France.
On business.
Where in France?
In Nice.
Back to his mistress?
Pierre!
What's come over you?
Keep those thoughts
to yourself, please.
Don't get mad.
It doesn't bother me either.
I'm happy to be
here alone with you.
Don't exaggerate.
I swear.
I have you all to myself.
How about this afternoon?
Going to the beach?
With you?
Where's my mother?
What's come over you?
Mom, you can't stay here.
Why did he bring you here?
-Want to sit?
-No, thanks.
Really!
What are you doing
on this island?
Can't he work elsewhere?
I won't last
two months here.
You're just bored.
There's the Aquapark.
I'll take you to Yumbo.
It's the place to go.
What do you say?
Yeah, sure.
Dinner, then we'll party.
The whole night.
You're handsome.
I'll be proud to
have you on my arm.
They'll think
you're my lover.
-Yeah, right.
-And why not?
I'm too old to be
taken for your lover?
You're ashamed?
Marthe, did you hear that?
I look too old!
Really, Pierre...
Would you be ashamed?
When are we going?
Real soon, unless you
think it's not a good idea.
-Let's go today.
-Not today.
But I promise...
Mom!
Mom!
M-Mom?!
Mom?
Aaahh.
Aahh.
Are you angry because I
didn't take you with me?
Tell me!
We have lots of
time for fun.
I'll take you tomorrow.
Promise.
Meanwhile, my young lover...
Bring me something
to dry myself off.
From the bathroom.
Go...
You're completely crazy!
Go and get it.
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Blessed art thou
among women.
Blessed is the
fruit of thy womb.
Holy Mary, Mother of God
pray for us sinners.
Now and at the
hour of our death.
Hail Mary!
I have bad news.
Your father had an accident.
His body is with
your grandparents.
We're taking the
plane for Nantes.
I don't know if
we'll rent a car...
or if we'll be picked up.
What happened?
If you speak to Marthe
or Robert, don't forget...
You're supposed to be sad.
No need to cry.
But at least look down.
You're still young.
You'll start again.
Listen, Pierre.
I don't expect you to
comfort me like that.
Imbecile.
# Little John dances,
he dances like this... #
# With his dick, he'll dance,
with his dick, he'll dance. #
# With his finger, finger, finger,
with his hand, hand, hand, #
# with his elbow, elbow, elbow,
with his head, head, head, #
# with his dick, dick, dick...
with his ass, ass, ass. #
# This is the way Little John
dances... #
In Istanbul, we
were happiest.
You can't remember.
You were too little.
But those three years
we lived there...
Ideal.
The Turks are wonderful.
Not like what people say.
They're good.
Nothing like the Spanish.
They're the empty
core of life.
Living next to them
is already stooping low.
Then just leave.
I will Ieave.
And go where?
July!
That's us.
# Those who are born in July. #
# Rise, rise, rise! #
Drink, drink, drink!
# She's one of us! #
# She downs #
a glass like anyone. #
# She's a drunk. #
You can tell from her face! #
One more time!
One more time!
Pierre...
Look at me.
You're too young.
I shouldn't speak to you like this.
Your father is dead.
I won't lie to you anymore.
You must admit that
I'm worse than him.
I don't deserve
your respect.
What do you think I've been doing
every afternoon all these years?
Why were you raised
by your grandmother?
What did you imagine?
Look at me, Pierre!
I'm a bitch.
A slut.
No one respects me.
Your father knew.
He allowed it.
If you really love me, then
admit that I'm disgusting.
I want you to
love me for that.
For the shame I
inspire in you.
Pierre!
Pierre!
I'm over here.
I drank too much.
But I'm still OK...
I didn't vomit on you.
He stinks.
Doesn't he wash?
Has his room been aired?
No.
When I enter,
he starts screaming.
He has to go out.
He needs exercise.
What will you prescribe?
For now, only vitamins.
At his age, I won't
give him relaxants.
That's ridiculous.
First, he has to get out more
and change his eating habits.
He should go out.
He should eat...
How long does it take to
become a doctor in Spain?
He doesn't have fever
or other symptoms.
You want my medical opinion?
Nothing's wrong with him.
He just doesn't care.
Fine.
What do I owe you?
Nothing.
For this, nothing.
Nothing?
Get out of here!
Leave me alone.
Get out!
Are you sure you
told me everything?
-You seem nervous.
-Shut up!
Not a word!
Out of bed now!
I'm changing the sheets.
Here.
Clean pajamas.
-What's wrong?
-These are Dad's.
I'm not scolding
you, sweetie.
I'm not scolding you.
You're going out?
Of course.
Why watch over a
son who isn't sick...
and wants to make me crazy?
I'd take you with me,
but I don't feel like waiting.
Here...
The key to your
father's study.
I don't have the strength
to get rid of his junk.
I'm counting on
you to do it.
Throw it all out,
except what interests you.
The small key
opens the desk.
OK.
Go on!
You'll make me late.
Still love me?
I love you more
than anything.
Go on!
Don't tell Mom!
Don't tell her.
I'll kill you
if you tell her!
Is Mom already up?
Your mother went
away for a few days.
Where to?
Don't worry.
Just the three
of us in peace.
Robert and I will
take good care of you.
We'll call Grandma and
tell her you're going home.
Let's lay here.
-Give me some room.
-Yeah, Okay.
I know you're
horribly unhappy.
Mom?
You're just as weak.
Your father was
weak like you.
Maybe now you know desire
reduces us to weakness.
But you don't know
yet what I know.
-So tell me.
-No, Pierre.
You mustn't learn from me.
If you knew,
you'd forgive me.
You'd even forgive
your father.
I want you to
enjoy your life.
I don't think
you're happy enough.
I want to know
what you know.
I don't want you ever
looking this bad.
You know what Rea calls you?
Rea?
You know her.
She's the brunette who
picks me up sometimes.
Yeah, I guess so...
What does she say?
She calls you the
Sad Faced Knight.
Not too clever.
You two would get along.
She's only a
few years older.
She's the wildest
girl I know.
I'II put you in her hands.
She'll perfect
your education.
Mom.
Let your mother do,
will you?
Loving your mother
isn't everything...
nor being intelligent.
Nor being handsome.
Nor being
frighteningly serious.
Where will that take you if
you ignore the joy of others?
You're serious, too.
It's a mask, idiot.
I invited Rea for a drink
with us tonight at the house.
Is that OK?
Yes.
Good.
Are you afraid?
Of course not.
Pity.
Mom.
Mom!
Mom!
Pierre,
get dressed.
We're taking you
out to the Yumbo.
Kiss me too, Rea.
Rea, please.
Little boy, the first kiss
I give you will be on your ass.
Please, can you pass by...
pass by the golf club.
I would like to see, the golf club,
I would like to see if it's still open.
My tongue will dig
around down there.
It will clean your
adorable shitty hole.
What did you tell him?
I can't wait to
eat his filthy ass.
Hey, my filthy ass
is as clean as yours!
What?
Why are you mad?
Show me, if I'm wrong.
What?
Here...
Stop it!
Stop it!
Let's check it out.
Can you turn on the light please?
Thank you.
Disgusting!
You're disgusting!
I think you overestimated
the cleanliness of your hole.
Go find him!
Go find him!
I beg you.
Go find him.
-You're worse than them!
-Let's go inside.
No.
I'm not moving.
Get up, Marthe.
The neighbors will hear.
Get up, please.
Stop it!
Come on...
Let me go!
Stop it!
-What happened to him?
-He's sleeping.
You slept there, Marthe?
-I must speak to you.
-Not now.
-It's important.
-It can wait.
-In your room?
-No.
I'll show you.
I must speak to you.
Are you OK?
Yes.
I was thinking of
your father's death.
Actually, it was
a good death.
And are you OK?
Fine.
I went to church.
Oh, Pierre.
Don't start that again.
It's OK.
I'm happy.
Everything's fine.
-Were you happy yesterday?
-Yes.
Even if everything will
have to be disrupted.
The pleasure only begins the
moment the worm is in the fruit.
While praying, I decided
to do what Rea wants.
That deserves a toast!
Bring on the bottles.
To your loves with Rea!
She still makes me afraid.
The three of us
will dine together.
You'll spend the
night with her.
-You're going to leave me?
-No.
I won't leave you.
I'll have fun on my own.
Get the drinks.
Pierre...
Do you know your
mother is nuts?
Yes.
-Don't leave us after dinner.
-Yes.
No!
I'll be sad if you go away.
I'm not your age anymore.
You two will have
more fun without me.
I wouldn't want an old
mother to hurt my fun.
You're not an old mother!
I must be, since I remember
being the worst child ever.
Don't wild daughters
always become old mothers?
I was wild.
Really, a wild child.
I ran alone in the woods.
I'm just as wild today.
You're probably right...
I might not be
an old mother.
Horseback riding
in the woods...
I rode bareback.
I threw off my clothes.
Pierre!
Are you listening?
I freed the horse
in the woods.
That's when I slept
with your father.
I wasn't your age.
I was and full of rage.
Your father found me
naked in the woods.
He thought my horse and
I were woodland beasts.
Your father hardly
counted in the story.
I preferred being alone.
I was alone in the woods.
I was naked.
I mounted naked.
I was in a state I'll
know again only at death.
I dreamed of game
and wildlife.
I prayed they
would disturb me.
Your father disturbed me.
My child, my
woodland child...
From woodland foliage, from
the moistness of my pleasure...
I didn't want your father.
When he found me
naked, he forced me.
I bloodied his
face, you know.
I wanted to scratch
his eyes out.
Mom.
I failed.
I wasn't thirteen yet.
Not at all.
If only I had been thirteen!
We had already been
married five years.
He spent his days
spying on me.
I think he always loved me.
Helene?
It's Manuel!
Join you later.
How you doing?
-How are you?
-How are you?
Look, I'm going over there
for a minute!
[indistinct stage announcer]
Close your eyes.
Have fun, little bitch!
I'm looking for Helene?
Do you know Helene?
Look around,
find her yourself.
Helene and Rea?
Helene?
No.
Will you undress him?
Should I?
Kiss me.
-Kiss me.
-No.
That's not the kiss
I promised you.
The origin of the
world is this hole.
Nowhere else.
Never believe those
who pretend otherwise.
Go on.
Take these off.
Come on!
Giddy-up!
Come on!
Am I your horse?
-Am I your horse?
-Go on.
That's it.
-Say it.
-Easy, boy.
Easy!
That hurts!
Hello there,
may I have a drink with you?
I don't speak German.
You don't speak German?
Are you working here?
-Yeah, uh no.
-No?
Could I just sit here with you?
PIease...
Pardon me, I'm sorry.
Hello!
How are you? Fine?
What do you think about Canarias,
do you like it?
And you? Isn't it so marvelous?
Isn't it so electrified this summer?
The weather is super canariadish,
OK, Good bye. Thank you.
Have a good time. Good bye.
Hey, mom!
Mom, I have an idea!
Let's go fire
Marthe and Robert.
I'll fire them!
I mean, who cares.
We don't need them.
I'll fire them, OK?
Feel like being our servant?
Leave him alone.
He's German.
He can't understand.
I don't care.
I'II fire them.
Marthe!
Marthe!
Where are you
hiding, fucking cow?
Come on!
Get dressed!
Get out!
No time to wash up!
Get dressed!
-What's happening?
-Shut up!
Get out!
You're fired!
Fired!
Don't come back!
Want to hit me?
-Go on, hit me.
-Don't, Robert!
My ass?
Want to slap my ass?
Slap it!
No?
Too bad.
I'm warning you...
You have twenty
minutes to disappear.
Twenty minutes!
If not, I'll waste you both.
I swear!
Think we could
get some coffee?
And as they did not
like to acknowledge God,
God delivered them over
to a discerning mind,
to do unsuitable things:
being filled with...
all injustice, wickedness,
covetousness, maliciousness;
full of envy,
homicidal thoughts...
strife, deceit, bad habits;
whisperers, revilers,
enemies of God.
Some...
who understand
the law of God...
still practice
such actions...
They are worthy of death.
They not only do them, but even
commend those who practice them...
No! Stay there.
Don't come in.
We went a little far.
No use regretting it.
But you're too young.
Too close to the
time you prayed.
It's not my fault.
In an ideal world, a pure
friendship would unite us.
But there's no ideal world.
I'm exactly how
you saw me, Pierre.
That's how I want to
remain in your eyes.
I want to be that
mother for you.
Now, listen.
I don't want to see you.
We could never live together
without this disorder.
Because of this disorder we
can't see each other now.
Don't put on your
serious face, please.
What we did...
It would be insane
to do it again.
But being next to you,
I'll only dream of doing it again.
I know you don't
judge me now.
You must remain
faithful to me.
Even if we're thousands
of kilometers apart.
We must refuse together the
world of those patiently waiting...
for death to enlighten them.
We must turn our backs
to them with pride.
Take care of the house.
Remember the code?
Don't disappoint me, Pierre.
I'II phone you.
Go.
Go on.
Bless me.
You scare me.
Would you accept to be
the mother of a god?
To be Mary?
Why are sons always
asked to be gods?
Sorry.
I thought no one was around.
I let myself in.
Hold on, I'm coming.
I didn't hear you.
So your mother left?
I came to give her the key.
Am I bothering you?
No.
Are you OK?
You don't seem OK.
I'm fine.
Are you expecting someone?
No.
I'm alone.
Am I bugging you?
Want something to drink?
Are you that unhappy?
Sorry.
I guess if I
was able to cry,
this would be less
uncomfortable.
Maybe we should go out.
To Yumbo?
No.
Did my mother tell you
to take care of me?
Yes.
I obeyed.
It intimidated me...
It excited me.
She assured me you'd
feel just as awkward.
That's why I said yes.
What are we
supposed to do now?
Have fun.
-We're off to a bad start.
-On the contrary!
You should take
me in your arms.
Do I disgust you?
PIease don't tease me.
So you'll disappear
as you appeared?
One day, I met this guy...
He asked me if I was
who he thought I was.
"What are you thinking?"
I asked him.
"I think you're a
young pig", he said.
I told him yes.
I told him I was a pig.
We saw each other often.
For a month.
Around times.
He fed me.
He force-fed me.
I gained about 8 kilos.
I was forbidden to wash.
That's disgusting.
You get used to it.
I ended up Iiking it.
He made me eat all
kinds of stuff.
Sometimes cat food.
Then one day he tied me up.
He told me: "You're
ready for the slaughter."
He had this huge
butcher's knife.
He started sharpening it
slowly right under my nose.
I got real excited!
You weren't afraid?
He was weird, but not
in the dangerous way.
Actually kind of sweet.
After each hit...
He always had this look.
This pause for an OK
so he could continue.
What did he do with
his knife afterwards?
He bled me.
From under my belly button.
It didn't really hurt.
The blood dripped slowly.
He collected it in a
little plastic bowl.
He said he was going to
make a blood sausage.
Then he pointed the
knife at my throat.
I got really scared.
I panicked.
I started to scream.
He said: "Squeal, Squeal!"
I really thought
it was over.
I passed out,
lost consciousness.
I think that's why he
didn't go all the way.
The next day, he told me
that I wasn't serious enough.
He wanted real young
pigs to slaughter.
He showed me the door,
kicked me out.
I think that guy really
killed these two young Belgians.
He showed me these chunks
of meat in his freezer.
"This is Frank", he said.
"That's Richard
next to him."
He wanted to excite you?
Maybe.
All I know, it
really worked.
Where can I find the coffee?
Yea, yea...
I'm coming.
Hansi...
Your friends kind
of freak me out.
I only know Loulou.
Want them to leave?
What exactly are we
doing all together?
Exactly?
You're the one who said it
would be easier in a group.
I'd prefer it if they Ieft.
OK.
Then make coffee.
Alright, we'll have coffee.
Hansi!
Aren't you staying?
No, Pierre.
I decided to go
home with Loulou.
Bye.
Call me, if you want.
We'll have lunch
at the Residence.
Did I keep you waiting?
Like my outfit?
I horsed around all morning.
I like the sound,
but not the whip.
Disappointed?
At my feet!
Lick my boots!
Why the long face?
Did my mother
pay you, Hansi?
Pierre.
Where did you and
Loulou go last night?
I never moved from here.
I couldn't sleep.
Because I was
thinking of you.
-Believe me?
-No, not at all.
Well...
Do you want to go?
No.
Want the whip?
Do you want to whip me to death
as punishment for being late?
Do you really think I'm a
whore paid by your mother?
No, no, no...
None of that here!
This is a respectable place.
No, wait.
Wait, wait.
Take it out.
Stop that.
Why?
-That's dirty.
-No, it's not.
Don't do that.
Stop it!
What do you want me to do?
Nothing.
Let's just stay like this.
No more touching?
Sure, we can touch.
But gently, can't we?
You'll never manage.
We'll ask Loulou.
It's me.
Still a lot of people?
Come here.
Come and help us, please.
We'll wait.
It's so nice being naked.
Take off my boots, please.
We can't manage.
What time is it?
A little after 2.
Already?
Can we still get
something to eat?
Yes, ma'am.
We'll come down.
Very well, ma'am.
Who is Loulou really?
A childhood friend.
He runs the Residence.
But...
Nothing's ever simple.
Let's eat first.
No, but tell me who he is.
No. For me, Loulou is
our servant, alright?
Feel...
I'm still dripping.
Enough.
That's enough.
What did you say
you did for a living?
Give me a break.
I've shit in places better than this.
I stink..
so I'm going to take a shower...
and you can take your clothes off
and get on the bed and...
you can stay dressed.
Charming!
-Want to leave?
-No, of course, we're staying.
Take off your clothes.
Fuck her.
Get up!
OK, sit down here.
I want you to look at her, not me.
You got a problem with that?
Not at all.
Don't smoke in my room, please!
Hello.
Hello.
Spanish?
Where's your mom?
Are you Italian?
I'm going for a walk.
Sometimes, I can admit if I
love Hansi's ass so much,
then it's because I
want God to curse it.
I now associate joy...
That faraway joy in
God that I knew...
I admit they're
both equally holy.
Her ass makes me realize
I never really loved God.
I liked the idea of
being abandoned by God.
I was reciting
catechism, that's all.
God is something other
than my old prayers.
He is my way of
losing my senses.
By loving Hansi, I hope
to slowly lose my senses.
In a slow way, but not
lifeless, you know.
A choppy slowness.
Choppy and scalp-tingling.
It doesn't always
make me happy.
I don't think I lose my
senses more with Hansi...
than with God.
I don't know if you wanted
to guide me toward this slowness.
Maybe you think Hansi isn't
perverse enough for me.
What are you doing?
I've been looking
one hour for you!
I'm writing to my mother.
What about?
About us.
I want to read it.
You know, I don't believe
in perversion at all.
I don't want to
talk about that.
I don't believe in it simply
because it doesn't exist.
Your mother knows
better than me.
Are you annoyed I'm
writing her that?
It makes me sad.
If you don't want me
anymore, tell me real soon.
What are you thinking?
There's no guilty pleasure.
Forget that.
I'm ready to do everything.
Just be clear.
What do you want?
Do you even know
what you want?
I love you.
I don't want you
to stoop so low.
-What do you want?
-What is there to want?
Everything.
What did you do with Rea?
Stop it.
Why?
Did you do things that
you'd like to do again?
And what did you
do with my mother, huh?
Are you ashamed?
Pierre, let's
not play that.
Well, why not?
The first time, she
sent me to a hotel room.
Near the golf course.
She left the door opened.
I was supposed to enter...
get completely undressed...
then get on all
fours on the carpet.
Then just call for her.
Go on.
She came out of
the bathroom.
She stared at me
for a long time.
Then a man came out
of the bathroom.
He gave the orders.
He told your mother
what to do to me.
He wanted me blindfolded.
Then your mother sniffed
me everywhere he wanted.
He said she had
to clean me up...
Shut up!
Shut up!
OK.
Go away.
Leave me alone.
Leave me alone, I said.
Leave me alone!
-I'm going to make this one for you.
-This one's for me?
Yeah, what's your wish?
My wish?
I would like to get married!
-In a year?
-In two.
-Let's try!
-Come on!
Hey!
I wish we could stay here forever!
Watch, Pierre...
This one is for your mother.
Long live the biggest
bitch of the Mediterranean!
Are you OK?
I'II apologize to him.
No. I'll go.
PIease don't.
You want to be alone?
Give me a cigarette.
Loulou!
Loulou!
Yes?
Can you come here?
Right away!
Prove to me my mother was
right for entrusting me to you.
-Sorry, I can't.
-You're staying.
It would be too
easy to leave now.
Get me the cord.
-Where is it?
-Near the brooms.
Here.
Get me her kit, too.
It's on the shelf.
Will you dress?
I'm not going.
I don't feel like it.
You can't stay
locked up here.
Why not?
Don't you hear the
hidalgos calling out to us?
No.
I hear nothing.
You're no fun anymore.
You're becoming
deadly boring.
Thanks.
You want to go home?
I want to see him.
In my opinion...
Being in Hansi's arms
made your son forget you.
Get moving!
I'm tired of
going out alone.
I've had it!
I think it's done, Rea.
It finally happened.
I've lost the urge.
You're just depressed.
It goes deeper than that.
It's over.
I shouldn't complain.
I made the most of it.
Now it's burned out.
Finished.
All the more reason...
Let's throw
a flamboyant funeral...
for the momentary
agony of your desire!
You know...
The last lap is
always the best!
I'm not joking.
It's not a
question of desire.
I burned all my bridges.
But you're right.
He surely forgot me.
Thanks!
Loulou?
Come here.
We'll never do it again.
I promise.
I did it a Iot.
I did it in front
of your mother.
Both of us whipped
Loulou for whole nights.
But she forced you.
I don't know.
You have to forget.
I don't want to see
you cry anymore.
Your mother made me swear
we'd do it with you.
Nothing can force
you to do it.
Are you sure?
I really love you, Pierre.
Kiss him.
Come and kiss him.
The three of us will
wait here for her.
We'll make her proud of us.
There's no reason
to be afraid, OK?
No reason to be afraid.
-One more beer please, my friend!
-I'm sorry, no.
And when I say no, it's no!
I'm closing.
One more, and I'll go to bed.
Could you help me please?
-Thank you, thank you.
-You're welcome.
Look who's here!
Oh, my baby's here.
Hello, kids!
Is this a funeral?
I missed you.
Is it cold?
Very.
-So you get a good sleep.
-Thank you very much.
How did it go with Hansi?
-Yeah, I don't know.
-I don't know.
I missed you.
-Let's toast!
-Cheers!
Cheers!
-Cheers!
-Cheers!
My mother!
My son!
My grownup son.
You look well.
I feel Iike sleeping.
I drank too much.
Won't you sleep with me?
If you want.
Isn't it good?
It's so good.
OK?
So what are you doing here?
-Holidays.
-Holidays.
-And you?
-Me, I don't know.
And what are you doing on holidays?
Relaxing, drinking...
Let's leave them alone, OK?
Are you gay?
No, I'm not gay.
Why do you ask?
Oh, I don't know,
just to know.
Wrong isn't what
we're about to do.
Wrong is wanting
to survive it.
You don't know me.
You couldn't get me.
Yes...
You're my mother.
And my love.
Come...
Come...
Mom, I don't want to die!