1
Shall
we gather at the river
where bright angel
feet have trod?
With its crystal tide forever
flowing by the throne of god.
Yes, we'll gather at the
river, the beautiful,
the beautiful river.
What?
Hey!
What are you doing?
Get out of here.
Hey!
Fear.
Fear ye, the lord your god.
Or forever in hell...
You'll be
cast into a lake of fire
with Satan himself, and there...
I've been waiting for you.
Ah.
The gnashing of teeth.
He who even looks at a woman.
Why does Satan want
to mash your teeth?
He's already committed adultery.
So if your eye offends you,
if it causes you to lust,
pluck it out.
Cast it away.
Same thing with your nose.
How many...
Get away from there.
Somebody's gonna see you.
Your father is
in rare form today.
Speaking of rare
form, where'd you
learn how to kiss like that?
Just doing what comes natural.
Mm.
I like nature.
You know, the only way
to get to eternal glory
is through sacrifice.
Somehow, somewhere,
someday, the good lord
is going to ask you maybe to
make a tremendous sacrifice.
And on that day,
what will you say?
How will you answer him?
Will you answer him yes?
Yes?
Will you answer him yes?
Yes.
I think we need to
practice sacrificing
now, starting today.
When the collection
plate goes by,
I want you to sacrifice as
much as you possibly can
to the lord.
Remember, money is
the root of all evil,
so use this opportunity
to rid yourself
of as much evil as possible.
Remember, it is written,
ask how much to give,
and you shall receive an answer.
And folks, lord loves a
hilarious giver, so please,
let me hear some laughter.
A little laughter.
Don't hurt that much.
Let me hear some laughter.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
The lord loves the
hilarious giver.
I'd like to thank you.
The lord appreciates
your generosity.
You know, it is this spirit
of giving which enabled us
to acquire this magnificent
stained glass window
imported directly from Italy.
I'm sure we will treasure it
for many, many years
to come.
Amen to that.
Mm.
Kelly?
Yeah.
Do you know what today is?
I'm guessing it's Sunday.
Besides that.
It's the 10-year
year anniversary
of the day we first met.
Yeah.
I was seven and you were eight.
Remember?
I was a bat girl in
your little league team.
I went over to pick
up a bat, and you
were practicing your swing.
And I knocked out
your front four teeth.
Oh, so romantic.
Yeah, well, if you
think that's romantic,
check this out.
Oh. Kelly.
It opens.
Open it.
It's beautiful.
I'm never going to take it off.
I love you, Kelly Hankins.
And I love you, Lisa weld.
Help me put it on.
Of course.
Yeah.
All right.
Got it?
Yeah.
Tomorrow starts our
first day of senior year.
I know.
I mean, this could be the
best year of our lives.
What's your favorite
thing about school?
My favorite thing about school?
Well, besides you?
Baseball season.
I mean, there's just
something about it...
Standing, on the mound
and game's on the line.
I have a chance to be a hero.
Everyone's chanting
"Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!"
I know everyone's behind me,
and they're gonna trust I
make the right decision.
It's just one time,
I'd like to just
reach out and grab that feeling
and hold onto it forever.
I wish I could feel that way.
But I'd be scared to death.
You're scared of everything.
Well, don't you ever get afraid?
Sometimes.
Like, does it make sense
to be afraid of being afraid?
What do you mean?
When I'm trusted to
make the big decision,
like, the really big
decision, could I do it?
Would I cave?
Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.
Very funny.
How about you?
What's your favorite thing?
Hm.
I like the dances.
It's the only time I
can hold you in public.
How much longer do we
have to keep this secret?
Eight months, one
week, and three days.
My 18th birthday,
the day my father
finally allows me
to start dating.
It feels like forever.
I mean, you may not
even love me anymore.
I could go crazy,
gain 100 pounds, bald.
I don't know.
I'd still love you.
Why don't we tell
your father right now.
That's a terrible idea.
Then I wouldn't be allowed to
date until I was crazy, bald,
and gained 100 pounds.
Well, I'd still love you.
All right, coward.
Eight months, one
week, three days.
It's a date.
On one condition.
All right.
On my first date, I want
to wear the biggest, most
beautiful pink orchid in town.
I'd do anything for you.
Anything at all.
Well, I've
got a heavy hankering for you,
Kelly Hankins.
Mary, good to see you.
You too.
Hey, Bob.
Pleasure, sir.
Oh.
Good to see you.
And just where have
you been, young lady?
I needed to use the bathroom.
Lisa, you need to understand
the importance of the example
you set for our young people.
Yes, daddy.
You... hi, hi.
You provide the moral
guidance with your virtue
- for our entire community.
- Yes, daddy.
I expect you sitting at the
front row of every service.
I will be, daddy.
Oh, the Hankins family.
Good morning, reverend weld.
Gloria.
Wonderful sermon
today, reverend.
And how are you, Jimmy?
Just fine, sir.
- About your sermon today?
- Yes.
If money is the root of all
evil, how do I fertilize it?
Quite the mind
on this young man.
Quite an original thinker.
Wonderful.
Hm.
Kelly, how's the arm on
Butterhill's star pitcher?
It's great, sir.
Thank you.
It's good.
We are all counting on you.
This is... this is very stylish.
It's the new style.
You should try it, sir.
I think I might.
Well, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Pleasure, sir.
Hey.
I'm coming.
Hey, bombs away!
Gosh, get off me.
Baa.
Pretend like you're actually
a normal human being for once.
Ah, you don't want that.
Ah.
- No.
- Come here, babe.
First day of senior year.
- You smiling?
- Yes.
- This is for my mother.
- I know.
It's going on
the Christmas card.
Ok.
Cheese.
Ok.
Great.
Preserved for all eternity.
Yeah.
Oh, yes.
I feel good all under.
Are you finally wearing
the right sized underwear?
Underwear.
Underwear, underwear, underwear.
Nopes. Oh, well.
More room to, uh,
indulge that bulge, you know?
Yeah, you wish.
You know what I'm saying?
Walk in swinging.
All right, Ace.
Let's burn rubber.
These ladies are awaiting
our glorious presence.
Woo.
Who's that driving
the green bug?
That's Frankie Wilson.
Sure is an improvement
over that old Van.
I don't know.
I mean, you could really stretch
your legs out in that Van.
Oooh.
What is this?
Hello, ladies.
Oh, well, that sucks.
It's Milton.
Ew.
Hey, there's Kelly Hankins.
Who's that with him?
That's ditto Moore.
You mean Ditzo Moore.
Hi, Kelly.
Hi, candy.
- How was your summer?
- Awful.
I just stared at my phone and
prayed for a call from you,
but my prayers went unanswered.
Well, i... I didn't
have you number.
That brazen hussy.
Like a spider waiting
to devour a fly.
Let me have that number.
I'll take that.
Like you'd know
what to do with it.
Oh. I was this close to
scoring with those babes
until the "Hunkins" ruined it.
Sorry to ruin
your scene, Milton.
You always ruin my scene.
You stole Mary Beth
barber from me.
Kissed her right in
front the flagpole.
Milton, that was
in kindergarten.
I mean, she kissed me.
I pushed her down.
- Get over it.
- Oh, ho, ho.
Well, the great and powerful
Kelly Hankins has spoken.
You need to take
it down a notch.
I will pull back the curtain
on you, you just wait and see.
That's one delusional hombre.
Yeah.
Attention, students.
Attention.
Go.
That's right.
You know it.
Attention.
Is this even... attention.
Hoodlum, punk, gangster.
Oh, there we go.
Good morning, students.
Good morning, principal Miller.
As many of you know, I am
Mr. Miller, the principal
here at Butterhill high.
And our dedicated
and respected staff
would like to welcome
you back to yet
another year here at
your favorite school.
And we have two new
faculty members this year.
As a result of the
brilliant investigative work
of our very own "Butterhill
bulletin" reporter,
Milton, our former
practitioner, nurse Nancy,
will not be with us,
as her ankle monitor
will not allow her within
200 feet of any school.
In her place, I am pleased
to introduce nurse Zelda.
Isn't she just foreign?
Next, a man whom words
simply cannot describe,
coach Franklin Dombrowski.
Thank you.
Oh, hey.
Very inspirational.
We look forward
to developing you
all into responsible,
mature young adults.
Settle down.
People, settle.
Settle.
And in order to start things
off on the right foot,
the school is sponsoring a
kickoff dance this Friday.
And left two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
Left, two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
Left, two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
Left two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
Left, two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
Left, two, three, four.
Right, two, three, four.
And that's our
class for the day.
I'll see you guys
net week, all right?
- Awesome class, Kelly.
- Thank you.
- See you at the dance tomorrow.
- I'll see you.
Can't wait.
Has anyone ever told you what
a sensual instructor you are?
So strong, so tight,
so many muscles?
You make my heart race even
when we're not exercising.
That's good, I guess.
So I hear your band will be
playing at the dance tomorrow?
Yeah. We've been
practicing all summer.
It's gonna be great.
Will you have any
time for dancing?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, in between songs.
It'll be fun.
Well, I'll be sure to
save a dance for you,
and much, much more.
Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Spider bait.
Yeah, well, she's
gonna to starve to death.
Hey, no comprendo, Ace.
What are you waiting on?
Board that ship
before she sets sail.
Ditto, can keep a secret?
What? The king of conceal?
They would poke my eyes out
with toothpicks before I
would give you up, man.
Spill it.
Lisa and I are, uh,
we're more than friends.
More?
Yeah.
How much more?
We're in love.
Oh, dude!
You cannot touch her.
- She is the preacher's daughter.
- I know.
He's gonna get god to cast
down a lightning bolt on you.
I know.
Look, we've been secretly
dating, all right?
She's on the strictly
restricted list.
Do not open to 18.
Estimated time of arrival?
- Eight months, six days.
- Ah.
That could explain the lack of
interest in candy and company.
Ouch. Oh.
I'd have trouble
keeping that secret.
You have trouble keeping
your underwear a secret.
Oh.
All right.
We're going to play hit and run.
When candy comes onto you, I'll
pinch hit while you run away.
You're all heart, ditto.
Absolutely, bud.
What are friends for?
Ooh, ooh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ever since she walked by,
those jeans are on my mind.
It's true.
Oh, it's true.
I'm hooked.
I'm hypnotized.
She's voodoo with big blue eyes.
It's true.
So true.
She's every thought.
She's every word.
If I could sleep,
I'd dream of her.
I'm hit.
Going down in flames.
Tail spinning, and
she's to blame.
I'm hit.
I'm out of control.
Falling in love,
falling hard you know.
I'm hit.
Going down in flames.
Shell-shocked, and I
can't see straight.
Other girls are miles below her.
I'm hit, and it's game over.
Nurse Zelda, may I
offer you a cup of punch?
Is it spiked?
No, no, no, no, no.
I made it myself.
Oh, pass-a-Rooney.
Are you sure?
My exotic blend of papaya,
mango, and the guava
are temptingly delightful,
with a splash of passion fruit
that will curl your toes.
What?
Why, principal Miller.
Are you, um, trying
to seduce me?
God, no.
Perish the thought.
I just thought you
might be thirsty.
Ok, daddy.
She stole my world.
If only she were my girl.
She's every thought.
She's every word.
If I can sleep,
I'd dream of her.
I'm hit.
She's too delicious, burning
for her bright red kisses.
Got to tell her.
I know I should, 'cause I'm
hit, and I'm hit for good.
I'm hit.
And it's game over.
You guys are great.
Go and take a break.
We'll be right back.
Ok, ladies.
Get in line.
The ditto Meister
is now accepting
reservations for romance.
How soon they forget a hero.
These small town girls don't
know what they're missing.
Striking out over
there, aren't you?
Oh, one, two, and three.
Here, drown your sorrows.
Yeah, thank you.
Mm.
Aw, disgustamundo.
There we go.
Just what the doctor ordered.
Some for me... eh, some for you,
some for the punch bowl too.
Know what? Let's uh, lower your
standards just a little bit.
There we go. Great.
May I have this dance?
Oh, my prince charming.
Where have you been all my life?
Ha, ha, all right.
Come with me.
Nurse Zelda.
Captain?
This is very
tasty punch, indeed.
I think I will have one or
two or 16 more of these.
I'm happy it pleases you.
I can give you
the secret recipe.
Oh, well, give it to me, baby.
I gots to have it.
Like bear on waters skis.
Nurse Zelda, do we have an ill
student out there on the floor?
How would I know?
Bear on water skis.
So what did you
think of the band?
It was fine.
Having a good time?
Mm-hm.
Really, Lisa.
Let's not hog the hunk.
Ditto.
Ditto!
You're an exquisite
dancer, and so sexy.
Hit and run, ditto.
Ditto, hit and run!
Looks like Hankins is
moving in on your territory.
Yeah, dude. He's putting a squeeze
on your grapefruits, man.
Yeah, go get him.
Yeah!
Oh, h... hi... hi, bronco.
How's algebra going?
Ditto?
Four, five, six, seven.
Two.
Oh, darn.
I keep losing count.
How about we take
your temperature, yes?
Oh.
The old fashioned way.
I'm... I'm feeling
much better now.
You are no fun at all.
I'm going to take two aspirins,
and you call me in the morning.
I've got some Booty
twerking to do.
Are you all right?
I'm fine. I'm surprised he didn't
break his hand on my abs of steal.
What? That was funny.
I'm just not much in
the mood for laughing.
What's wrong, Lisa?
I've got a problem.
A growing problem.
I don't get it.
Do you prefer cloth
or disposable diapers?
Are you saying that?
I love you, Lisa.
I love you, and
I'll love our baby.
And I love you.
But I'm scared.
I'm scared of what
the town might think,
and what all the other
kids are gonna say.
And most of all, I'm scared
of what my dad's going to do.
I'm scared for us.
I... I just got to disappear.
Lisa, you're not leaving me.
Not now, not ever.
I mean, sure, we made a mistake,
but everybody makes mistakes.
I promise, I will come
up with something.
Really?
I've always wanted to be
your knight in shining armor.
Just give me a chance.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Nurse Zelda!
I cannot unsee that.
I can't believe your dad
gave you a key to this place.
He didn't give me a key.
I wouldn't give me a key.
I forged a copy.
So your dad doesn't know we
raid this place every night?
Oh, sure he knows.
He keeps a tab.
I'm in debt for life.
He doesn't kick your butt?
How could you kick a
butt with a face like this?
So how are you feeling after
that, uh, first round knockout?
Hit and run, huh?
I get hit, and you run?
Your little error
almost cost me the game.
That was not my fault. She
had me under some sort of spell.
I promise it won't happen again.
It's nothing compared to
the blow Lisa laid on me.
Oh.
Ha, ha, ha, something juicy?
I mean, you'll
probably find out.
I mean, the whole school
will probably find out.
Lisa and I are, uh...
Lisa and I are
gonna have a baby.
A baby what?
What do you mean, a baby what?
A baby, baby.
You know, a pooping,
wetting, wah, wah, wah baby.
I hate to break it you, but this
is gonna put a definite
strain on your dating secret.
I've got to think
of something fast.
I mean, if I don't, Lisa's
father's gonna ship her off
to some convent in Mongolia.
And I mean, I
doubt I'll be doing
any pitching from a body cast.
How about if we
try to disguise Lisa?
That won't work.
Girls always know.
They have that baby sonar thing.
I've got to come
up with something
no one's ever going
to figure out.
Rapunzel?
Rapunzel?
Let down your long hair.
Hey, uncle Theus.
When did you get
the cool wheels?
This morning.
Heh heh.
Ain't she a beaut?
My other car would
make me look bad.
So, uh, where's my kid brother?
I need to experiment
on him again.
He took Jimmy
and mom fishing.
They should be gone all day.
Gadzooks.
I distinctly told him I'd
be by Sunday afternoon.
- Today's Saturday.
- Saturday?
Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Ok. What was yesterday?
- Friday.
- Tomorrow?
- Sunday.
What... what... what will
it be a week from today?
- Saturday.
- Ah.
My god, it is Saturday.
This is disastrous.
Everything's ready.
Ready for what?
The greatest discovery
known to mankind.
Greater than the wheel,
greater than flight,
greater than peanut butter.
Look... listen, I've discovered
how to transfer unlimited
gigaflops of yowibytes directly
into the cerebral cortex,
resulting in...
It's really cool.
Uh, maybe.
Maybe?
Maybe what?
Well, that's why I need my...
I... I need...
I need your father.
I need, uh, somebody
to, um, volunteer
to do my experiment on.
Is it painful?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No pain whatsoever.
Absolutely pain-free.
At least none of the
mouses complained about it.
I'll volunteer.
- You will?
- Yeah.
Oh! You'd be doing a huge
service to mankind.
Not to mention boosting
your grade point average.
I can never repay you.
- Can I bring ditto?
- Absolutely. Yes.
Let him witness
history in the making.
All right.
Cool.
I think I have to
go to the bathroom.
Oh, no.
We're ready to begin.
There. Ok.
When I flip this switch,
you're going to become
a human computer chip.
Before, you put
this in your mouth.
It's gonna prevent you
from biting your tongue.
All right? Ok?
Ok.
All right.
Ok. Ready?
Count!
Five, four, three, two, one!
Blast off.
Work, baby.
Work, baby.
What's your name?
Kelly Hankins.
It worked.
What's the square root of 976?
I don't know.
I really don't
feel any different.
No new knowledge?
At least I didn't lose any.
Hey. What's this?
Ah!
Don't touch that.
That is a super hybrid
of a venous fly trap,
only it doesn't stop
at eating just insects.
Sorry.
Hey, little fellow.
Hey uncle Theus, who's this?
Don't.
That, uh, that...
That is Adam, my most
extraordinary experiment.
It looks
pretty normal to me.
Oh, he is.
Except for one very
important detail.
He is gonna have a baby.
- Adam's going to have a baby?
- Yeah.
That's impossible.
Well, it may not be as
crazy as you, uh, may think.
There have been
dozens of documented
cases of women carrying babies
in their abdominal cavities.
So, why not a male?
How did he even get
pregnant in the first place?
Well, by tweet.
Tweet?
I don't understand.
Yeah, you never will understand.
I barely understand myself.
Tweet.
Tweet, tweet stands for Theus
workable easy embryo transfer.
No muss, no fuss,
no pain whatsoever.
I've heard that before.
Are you sure it's safe?
Are you doubting
the work of a genius
with double your IQ, triple his?
I give you proof positive.
Uncle Theus, can that
be done to a human being?
Um, theoretically, yes.
But you know, there
are dangers involved.
What kind of dangers?
Well, the... the danger that
the embryo will not attach,
the danger of removing
the mature fetus.
Most importantly,
the danger to the...
To the carrier.
Any misstep along the
way could prove fatal.
- I don't know, Kelly.
- I do.
- But what if...
- It won't.
- Well, can you...
- I can.
Is this some sort
of new teenage rap?
You know, uncle Theus, you said
you'd never be able to repay
me for that experiment.
That's right.
I know how you can repay me.
What in the heck?
Get out.
I'm the principal.
I'm the principal here.
Oh.
I wanted a beaver.
Milton.
I assume you are taking
up valuable space
in my office for a reason.
What have you got for me?
Sucking face
in the janitors room,
smoking in the lavatory,
beer cans in the bushes.
Having them dusted
for prints now.
And spiked punch.
That explains a lot.
Milton, I want to commend you.
Your keen sense of investigative
snitchery has reached new lows.
You may now stand at ease.
Ah, thank you, sir.
May I say, it's an honor to
serve on board the same ship
with you as her commander.
Yes, you may.
Again, it's an honor to
serve on board the same ship
with you as her commander.
Thank you.
Milton, you are a
credit to your school
and a valuable asset to me.
I want you to step
up your efforts
to uncover these offensive
everyday teenage activities.
Keep your eyes open and your
ears perked for any rumor
of deviant behavior.
Ok.
Oh, wow.
This must be the horror section.
If you're looking for
something to check out,
try this.
Mm.
I'll take a dozen copies.
Not here.
Not right now.
You're crazy.
I might just be.
Wait till you hear this plan.
What?
Shh. Ok?
It's perfect, all right?
I'll have no problem
hiding 10 pounds.
No one will suspect a thing.
And then when school lets out
for the summer, I'll have it.
Do you have any
idea how difficult
it is to carry a baby?
Hey, I'm a guy.
I can handle it, all right?
How hard could it be?
You really have no clue, do you?
So what do you think?
I think it's the strangest
thing I've ever heard.
Yeah.
Strange or not,
it's our best plan.
This doesn't look
like a doctor's office.
Where are all of his diplomas?
Dr. Theus and
his assistant are
highly trained, respected,
dedicated professionals.
Dr. Theus, I'd like
you to meet Lisa.
Oh.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet
the mate of the
man who will mother
the child that you conceived.
And his assistant, Dr. Moore...
Gue.
Dr. morgue.
Lisa.
Charmed, I'm sure.
So if we are ready, we
can begin the procedure.
Just one question.
You have performed this
procedure before, right?
Uh, yeah.
Of course, yes.
In... in fact... in
fact, Adam will be
watching the entire procedure.
Adam?
Adam.
Yes, Adam, my first
transplant experiment.
A monkey?
Experiment. No.
- No, no, i...
- Mellow out, babe.
All right?
This will be a piece of cake.
Ditto!
Do I, um, still get
to apply the anesthesia?
Hey.
You ok in there?
Can you hear me?
Now look who's back.
How you doing?
- Lisa?
- Oh, no.
- Lisa's doin' fine.
- Yeah?
The procedure went perfectly,
and now, we just have to wait.
So you get some rest.
Good.
Class, what you have before you
are frogs that you
will be dissecting.
All the materials that you
need should be on your desk.
The whole thing
went as slick as snot.
I was the main man, of course.
But your uncle did do his part.
Yeah.
I don't... I don't even
feel any different.
Oh, take it from me.
You are, in a family way.
Yeah.
This is a breeze.
I mean, to think,
women have complained
- about this for centuries now.
- All right, class.
We're ready to begin dissecting
the anatomy of a frog.
It's all a big gimmick.
You think?
Absolutely.
Girls have been lying
to guys since Eve
told them Adam that there
was no worm in that apple.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
You're right.
The first point
of order is to slice
open the abdominal cavity.
You are gonna blow the lid off
of this whole pregnancy scam.
Liberate mankind.
Herald the truth.
You're just wasting
your money with that test.
After all, I am an
experienced professional.
I hate to burst
your bubble, ditto,
but you're only a high school
student who's flunking biology.
I mean, a lot of people get
sick of the sight of blood.
Frog blood?
Yeah, frog blood.
Just give me a few more minutes,
and I'll let you know for sure.
I am so sure, I already
got you a baby present.
What is it?
A baby.
What?
You know, one of
those pooping, wetting,
wah, wah, wah baby dolls?
You'll need the practice, bro.
And from the looks
of things, you
might be in for a rough ride.
What do you mean?
I mean, morning sickness,
muscle cramps, swollen feet,
backaches, mood swings,
breakouts of acne,
and tender nipples.
It says here that the breasts
might increase in size.
You don't suppose I'm going
to like, grow, you know?
I don't know.
But promise me one thing.
- No.
- If you do...
- Don't even go there.
- You'll let me touch them.
Seriously, ditto?
Is that too much to ask
from your best friend?
If I had some, I'd let
you slap them around.
You're hopeless.
Ok.
Well, what about, uh, breathing?
It says here you got
to know how to breathe.
Well, I've been doing
it all my life, so.
Not like this, you haven't.
Come over here and
lay on your back.
Ok.
Put one pillow under your head...
All right.
And one under your knees.
All right.
Stage one is deep
chest breathing.
So in and out.
In, And out.
Magnificent, bro.
You got it.
- Ok.
- Nothing to it.
Yeah, stage two is
accelerated shallow breathing.
Ok.
It's in through the nose,
out through the mouth.
Yeah, ok.
Just like that, just like that.
Ready?
Stage three.
Pant like a dog.
No, no, no.
Faster like this, like...
Oh, candy.
Oh, oh, candy.
Oh, candy, I want to kiss you.
Ok. You ready?
Stage four.
Stage four?
Delivery breathing.
Ow.
Push!
Come on.
Keep blowing out. Push.
Whoa, your dilated. Oh.
What am I pushing?
I don't know. Ok.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Nurse.
Oh, you're dilated.
10 centimeters.
Oh, you're so strong.
You're so strong.
Ew.
He's crowning.
Come on.
Ok. Ok. Ok.
We did it. You can rest.
Not bad.
All right. It's time.
Clear means negative.
Blue means all my
problems are solved.
I'm a mother!
Aw, gross.
She looks like she
ate a bowling ball.
That's because
there's a baby in there.
She ate a baby?
No. She's gonna give
birth to a baby.
What are those weird
lines on her stomach?
Those are stretchmarks.
When the baby grows,
she gets stretched out.
Why are you looking at
this stupid stuff anyway?
Why don't you go stick
your head in the lawn mower?
Cost you $1.
That's a bargain,
but I don't have it.
I'll put it on your tab.
You got a minute?
Sure. Come on in.
What are you studying?
Just some biology.
Biology, huh?
I was never very
good in biology.
Never very good in
school in general.
Maybe that's why I'm
so proud of you, son.
Certainly can't
take credit for it,
but you are one special kid.
An a student, star pitcher.
You never get in any trouble,
and you've never caused
me to lose a night's sleep.
I'm just thankful you're my boy.
Well, I try my best.
I know you do, son.
But all work, no play.
What do you mean?
What I mean is...
Well, in my senior
year, it was the most
memorable year of my life.
You could expect the
unexpected from me.
Son, just don't get bogged down
with the pressures of school.
Live a little.
Be unique.
Do something a little crazy.
In my year, I
swallowed 13 goldfish.
School record.
You might not want to do
something that extreme.
Of course, you
couldn't cause half
the stir that your old man did.
By the way, I talked
to your uncle Theus.
You did?
Yeah.
He said you two are doing
some secret science project.
He did?
Yeah.
That's my boy.
Mr. conservative.
Well, it could have been a sea
that kept you in your shell.
It could have been a devil
that made your life hell.
It could have been...
Well, it could have been a
candle I just burned too quick.
It could have been a stranger
taking treats for tricks.
It could have been
dangle the day on a string.
Well, it could have been summer,
could have been spring.
Could have been...
Well, it could have been
any number of things.
But everybody knows it was me.
Well, it could have been...
That blew your mind.
It could have been a timeshare
that stole your time.
It could have been an accident
waiting to take control.
Well, it could have been
a singer that just wanted a hit.
It could have been a swinger
that swung and missed.
It could have been
a whether or not you stay or go.
Well, it could have been far.
It could have been,
are you gonna pay for it all?
Well, it could have been
any number of things.
But everybody knows it was me.
It was me.
It was me.
It was me.
It was you.
Whoo, you.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't lover boy.
Please, bronco.
I gotta go real bad.
Oh, you'll go
right, to the hospital
if I ever catch you putting your
dirty hands on my girl again.
Please, just...
Just step aside.
What was that?
Step outside?
You want to step outside
with me, do you loser boy?
Ow.
Not the nipples.
- It hurts.
- Come on.
Hit me with your best shot.
Pour it on me.
Why you little...
Do I detect the odoriferous
presence of smoking tobacco?
Uh, no sir.
I don't smell a thing.
Me and the boys were just
talking about what a smoggy day
it was, right, boys?
- Absolutely.
- That's right.
Yes.
So smoggy, in
fact, that there is
a substantial haze
curiously culminating right
here in the boys' bathroom.
Yes, sir.
Very curious indeed, sir.
Uh.
Well, we better be get going.
I don't want to miss any of
my algebra lessons, you know.
Nice seeing you again,
principal Miller.
Mm. The pleasure's
all mine, boys.
Kelly Hankins.
Just the person I wanted to see.
I am?
Yes. Yes, my boy.
It has come to my
attention lately
that your school work has
suffered a serious regression.
Well, my grades
have dipped a little.
Dipped?
Boy, they've crashed harder
than a bull rider's bottom.
I'm sorry, sir.
Kelly, in a class full
of chronic under-achievers,
you have always been
the one bright spot.
The only honor student among
a multitude of mental pygmys.
Confide in me.
Tell me, what's wrong?
Nothing, sir.
A social problem, perhaps?
You know, quite often,
such a dramatic reversal
is the result of a
lack of self-esteem,
the perception that
there's something abnormal,
that you don't quite fit in.
You're not suicidal, are you?
No, sir.
Well, see to it that you're not.
I would hate to have
my school tarnished
by your thoughtless act.
Still, I have this intuition
that there's something
peculiar you're hiding from me.
I can't quite put
my finger on it,
but rest assured,
sooner or later, you
will not be able to hold
it inside you any longer,
and it will burst out of you.
I'm sure it will, sir.
May I go back to class now?
You're dismissed.
180, that's 35...
35 pounds in six months?
I mean, I was only
supposed to gain 10
pounds the whole nine months.
Stop gorging, you Oinker.
Cut down on the chow or else.
Oh!
What the?
Oh!
He kicked.
Hey, can you hear me in there?
Listen, that's quite
a kick you got there.
I mean, you could
make all state.
What if you're a girl?
You can still make all-state.
People may laugh
and point at you.
Trust me, I know.
You might feel
scared or deserted.
But I'll always
be there for you.
I wouldn't do this
for just anyone.
You're special.
If want to sock me one
day because of all this,
I understand.
I just want to meet you.
I promise I'll do anything
to make that happen.
By the way, forget that crack
about cutting down on the chow.
You're gonna need all your
strength to play football.
Yeah.
It was disgusting.
Who would do that?
I have no idea.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at this.
Have you ever seen a
more pitiful sight?
He's gone from hot to so not.
From cool to fool.
From super
athletic to Mr. pathetic.
Well, Lisa?
Oh, from hunk to junk.
Nice.
Freakazoid warning
at 12 o'clock.
Let's get out of here
before he contaminates us.
Pure awesomeness.
This one's going viral.
Hey, wait.
Hey, stranger.
I haven't seen
much of you lately.
Speaking of stranger,
that's what you're becoming
more and more of every day.
What do you mean?
I mean, everyone
is talking about you.
What happened to only
gaining 10 pounds?
You've become the joke
of the entire school.
I don't care what
everyone else thinks.
What do you think?
I don't know, Kelly.
Part of me thinks you're this
special guy for doing this,
but part of me says,
stay clear, danger zone.
Stay clear?
Danger, really?
You're right about one thing, Lisa.
I am a special guy.
I risked it all for you, and
I'll do the same for our baby,
with or without you.
The decision's yours.
That's it.
Get those legs up.
Keep it going.
All right.
All right.
We're gonna do some toe touches.
All right.
One, two, three.
All right.
That's it.
That's a great class.
I'll... I'll see you next month.
You know, I don't know.
I just don't have the
motivation to work out anymore.
Yeah. You and about a
hundred other people.
Face it, Ace.
You've lost it, that
spring in your step,
the fantastic frame,
the pulsating pelvis.
Gone.
That's not all I've lost.
Lisa and I broke up.
Oh no.
Another abandoned
teenage mother.
Just another sad statistic
in this depraved society.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know, ditto.
I'm just so confused.
I... I don't know who I
am or even what I am.
I know exactly how you feel.
When I started this thing, it...
It all felt so right.
I mean, nothing else
in the world mattered.
Then when Lisa broke
up with me, it just...
I don't know if I
can continue on.
Hey, cheer up, guy.
It's always darkest
before the dawn.
At least it can't
get much worse, huh?
I got fired.
I got fired.
Important information for you.
Before you play
baseball, there's
one thing you must
do before you're
gonna be eligible to play.
And that's a physical.
We have a great nurse.
She's a new nurse.
Her name is Zelda.
Really knows her medicine.
But once you pass
the physical, yay,
you're ready to be a bloodhound.
You know?
It's just part of the game.
Just part of the game,
part of the process.
So I'd like for you all
to take a deep breath.
Everybody.
Ok. Now get up on your
feet, and exit this way
through the medical building.
Go ahead.
Atta boy.
Way to go, guys.
Way to go.
Please answer
following questions
to best of your knowledge.
- Age?
- 18.
- Height?
- 5 foot 8.
- Weight?
- A little over 160.
Must we weigh
you on scale naked?
187.4 pounds, exactly.
Have you been experiencing
any of following?
Unusual aches, pains,
sudden weight gain,
coordination
difficulties, nausea,
incontinence, breathing
irregularities,
emotional distress?
No!
All right.
Remove shirt.
I... I'm a little shy.
Hot damn!
That is biggest one of
those I've ever seen.
Do you want me to
put my shirt back on?
No, no, no.
No.
I am professional after all.
Where should we put this?
Ok.
That is strange.
I think I hear two heartbeats.
That's because, um,
my heart beats twice
as fast when I'm around you.
Well, you are a
sweet talker, you.
Yes.
You know, I could be charmed
into becoming cougar
for you, little lion cub.
You're out of my league.
Well, you'll let me know
when you graduate to the majors.
Gas.
Do you want my
professional medical opinion?
I guess?
My professional opinion is
you're pregnant.
Pregnant.
You know, boo,
The look on your face.
To think that I quit
being a stand-up comedian
to become nurse.
Yes.
Hey, candy.
Thanks for coming
to support the team.
I came to support my
knight in shining armor.
Thanks.
I... I appreciate it.
You seem down.
I just... I haven't
really been myself lately.
Well, I've got a
little surprise for you,
something to help you
warm up before the game.
What's that?
A knight always carries a
piece of his damsel's clothing
into battle.
Would you do that for me?
I guess so.
What are you...
How's that for inspiration?
Um, i... I got to go.
Ok?
Batter up.
Play ball.
Let's go.
Batter up.
Whoo.
Your glory days are now a haze.
Your feet just fall behind you.
You're trying to recapture
that old thrill.
When you trip and fall
and drop the ball,
it's suddenly a reminder.
The spirit's strong
but your body's gone downhill.
Now you're awake,
but it seems you've only been
a legend in your dreams.
And talent really never
got you very far.
'Cause you can't hit,
field, or throw.
But if there was one thing
you should know,
you're just a washed-up,
broke-down subpar superstar.
You know you are,
subpar superstar.
- Time.
- Time out.
This clown's crowding the plate.
Give him the brush-back pitch.
Better suck it up.
This one's coming
down the inside.
Take your base.
Hey! Hey! He threw at him.
Hey! Hey!
You ordered a beat ball.
I should have ordered a pizza.
When you talk to my
team, talk with respect.
That's not a Butterhill hound.
That's a hippo.
That's a hippo?
You really think that's a hippo?
You don't know what's.
Knock it off.
Play ball.
But miracles are rare
and that's the truth.
Now you've fallen to the curse.
It's so sad
you're getting worse.
Father time made you
just the way you are.
Well, it's time for you to quit.
You've got to give it up.
You've got to admit.
You're just a washed-up,
broke-down subpar superstar.
Come on!
Come on!
You're out.
You're out.
You're out too.
That was the worst
exhibition of sissy ball
I have ever witnessed.
Cowell, what kind
of a tag is that?
Arnelli?
My mother can field
better than you.
And Hankins.
Hankins, there are no words
to describe your performance.
I came to school, and they told
me to expect something big.
But I didn't expect
it to be your stomach.
Good lord, man, you
throw like a girl.
Have you looked in
the mirror lately?
You're starting to grow
female accessories.
You, up, now.
Are you wearing these now?
Where did you get it?
No, sir.
I'm not.
Well, I'm a good coach.
I'm gonna give them back to you.
Have a seat.
Sure. Thank you.
Well, you're going to pay.
Every one of you
is going to pay.
There is no Mr. nice guy.
This honeymoon is over.
I want a divorce.
Where is your bloodhound pride?
I want everybody
to hit the showers
and wash that miserable
performance off your bodies.
Hankins, I want you to get down
here and give me 20 push-ups.
That'll keep you
busy for two hours.
Right here.
No, right here.
Right here.
There you go, buddy.
Ok.
Go.
Right now.
Up, up, up, up, go.
Shower time.
Go.
Go, run!
Oh, I love baseball.
How the mighty have fallen.
Go away, Milton.
Or what?
You're gonna jump
up and run me down?
Hm? I think not.
I've watched you run and jump
today, and oh, it's pitiful.
Simply pitiful.
What's going on with you anyway?
Come on.
You can tell me.
We've been buds
since kindergarten.
Buds?
I think not.
All right.
Be that way.
But uh, the nose knows
something is going on,
and I will be your
worst nightmare.
196?
I don't believe this.
Stretch marks.
Stretch marks!
Jimmy, quiet.
You're going to have a baby.
Jimmy, no.
Get off my face.
You're killing me.
I can't breathe.
Then keep quiet.
Ok, ok.
I saw it in your book.
You're going to have a baby.
It's not what you think.
I, uh, I ate a bowling ball.
- What?
- No, no.
It was, uh, it was
a science project,
and they pumped my
stomach full of air.
You know, like a balloon? See?
It's just that mom and
dad can't know, all right?
It's secret, you understand?
All I understand is cash.
And boy, this is gonna
take plenty of it.
I'm broke.
What do you want from me?
I mean, give me a break.
I'll do anything.
Anything you want.
I want collateral.
Take my goldfish.
I don't want your goldfish.
Then what?
I want your car.
- What?
- You heard me.
I want your car.
It's the only thing you own
that's worth a nickel to me.
I want to hold onto it
until you pay off your debt.
But that's blackmail.
I mean, you can't make me
pay ransom on my own car.
I'll wring your
neck, you little...
- Mom, dad.
- Shh, shh, shh.
I can, and I will.
Keys, please.
How am I supposed to get around?
Maintain my image?
Come on, where's
your brotherly love?
Yeah, a guy's
lost without wheels.
Don't worry, bro.
I won't leave you hanging.
I got...
I got it. I got it.
Listen, dude,
this ain't working.
Do you want me to
cut the spin out?
It's not the spin
that needs to be cut.
It's the spinner.
What are you saying?
Are you going to cut me
out of the band I started?
Well, like, it's just this year,
we have a good shot
of playing the prom,
but the kids have
got to vote us in.
And well...
Yeah, right now, I'm
the one holding you back.
- Maybe if we practice more.
- No, no.
It's just not something
you can practice out of.
What is this stuff?
I'm pretty sure it's just
growing new stretchmarks.
Hello?
Hey, stranger.
Lisa.
Oh, god, Lisa.
It's so good to hear your voice.
I've missed yours too.
Can we meet some time to talk?
Absolutely.
Anytime, anywhere, right now.
Ok. Bell tower, 15 minutes?
I'm on my way.
And Lisa... I love you.
I'll say I'm sorry
for the third time.
I mean it now.
I swear I'll change my ways.
And I feel so small
from the weight of it all.
Without you, girl,
I reach for you more than ever.
Lisa!
Lisa!
Oh, you're soaked.
Take off this sweatshirt.
Here. Put this on.
It'll keep you warm.
Won't your father...
He'll never know.
Besides, I have a
confession to make.
Well, this is the right place.
Tell me child, what is your sin?
Hm.
I have made a boy pregnant.
Do you plan to
do the right thing?
Yes, I do.
I want my baby back.
What?
I want my baby back.
This isn't working, Kelly.
It was a crazy idea
to even begin with.
Speaking of crazy
ideas, Lisa, I'm eight
and a half months pregnant.
You don't just switch
a baby back and forth.
- Well, you switched it with me.
- That was different.
It was just a little speck
then, and now it's a monster.
Don't you call
my baby a monster.
If anybody here is
a monster, it's you,
you crazy Sci-Fi experiment.
You're breaking all
the laws of nature,
and I want my baby back.
Yeah?
Well, you can't have it.
I know my rights.
Possession's 9/10ths of the
law, and I'm possessed, baby.
You need professional help.
You're violating my
inalienable rights...
Life, Liberty, and the
pursuit of childbearing.
I'll take you to
the supreme court.
I'll sue for
maternity, paternity,
custody, and lustody.
You've lost it, big time.
Every night, I lay
in bed, and my legs
cramp like burnt pretzels.
My back feels like
a linebacker hit me,
and my feet hurt so bad, I'd
rather walk over hot coals.
And what do I get in reward
for all my pain and suffering,
I get to throw up every
night into the toilet.
I've lost my car, my job, my
body, my friends, my grades.
How can anyone in their right
mind give up all that again?
Never, never.
Give me pregnancy,
or give me death.
You've cracked.
Lisa.
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lost is where I'll be
unless midnight drive.
Without knowing
where I'm going...
What?
It's dad.
Breakfast is ready.
I'm not hungry.
Am I hearing correctly?
Did you say you weren't hungry?
Yeah.
I'm just trying to
lose a few pounds.
What's that you're working on?
- Just a song.
- For whom?
The band that you
no longer belong to?
For anyone, I guess.
I just... I seem to
write some of my best
stuff when I'm feeling down.
Kelly, son, if you need
to talk about something,
you know the old man is
a pretty good listener.
Yeah.
Thanks, dad, but I just...
I can't.
All right.
But when you're ready,
I'll be here, son.
Thanks, dad.
I love you.
I love you too.
If you change your mind,
food's out in the kitchen.
I can't wait until tomorrow.
Why tomorrow?
Because I get better
looking every day.
I mean, is this the
ultimate or what?
- You're looking good.
- Good?
I rock.
What girl could
resist this eye candy?
Does this meet with
your approval, sir?
Uh, nah.
It's... it's not quite me.
I need something more.
What about my friend here?
What could you fix him up with?
Heh. A circus.
I mean something to wear.
Something stylish, but
also down to earth.
A tent maybe.
Come on, Kelly.
This isn't the only
tux shop in town.
Let's try in here.
Are you crazy?
That's for pregnant women.
Hey, you're halfway home.
Come on.
Dude. Dude.
50% off.
Take a little looksy here.
Just relax. You know?
Ah.
How do they... how do they feel?
Get your minds out of the
gutter and your filthy paws
off the delicates.
Um, sorry, sir.
We were just looking for mom.
I'm mom.
Of course, you are.
And how long until
you're expecting?
Expecting what?
Expecting the, um, next
shipment of bras and panties
to come in?
Tell me you're not
here for the panties.
Actually, we're just
looking for some formal wear
suitable for a dance.
Preferably with some pants.
Uh, couldn't imagine it without.
See? I told you we came
to the right place.
Would this be for your mother?
Sister?
- Mother.
- Sister.
I see.
How far along is she?
She's pretty far.
How big is she?
Pretty big.
I would have to have more
precise measurements, ok?
Then, um, take fatso here.
He's pretty close to what my
mom, his sister looks like.
I can't resist
seeing where this goes.
Move.
Come here, fatso.
Ok.
Here we go.
Wow.
Um.
Let me see what I
have in the back.
Wow.
My mother, your sister?
I mean, seriously?
Dude, let's just
get out of here.
Just chill, man.
We're making definite progress.
Yeah.
You're in luck.
My debutante dress.
Yes.
- No.
- Yes, it's stunning.
It's not really
what I had in mind.
Well, let's not be
hasty in our decision.
I think this outfit has a lot
of interesting possibilities.
I mean, to be fairly judged, I
think you've got to try it on.
What?
Go for it.
Certainly, to be sure of
the fit and match and so on.
The dressing rooms
are to your right.
Oh, I'm getting my camera.
Let's just see how it looks.
No one will ever know.
Ravishing.
Simply ravishing.
Why, if I didn't already
have a date, I would...
Stop it, ditto.
Um, I mean, I've got
to say, it is stunning,
but I'm not gonna do it.
What?
I'm not wearing this to prom.
Vandalous juvenile delinquents.
If I ever find out who's
responsible for this, oh lord,
bring forth your
righteous indignation
and turn him into a
pillar of salt.
Daddy?
Lisa, sweetheart,
what are you doing here?
Nothing.
I just sort of had
this question that's
been bothering me for a while.
Well, of course, of
course, you can always...
You can always come
to me for the answers.
So, speak up.
What is it?
- Speak.
- Ok.
- Just speak.
- Ok, um.
Speak up.
Well, what if there's this
person who's doing a huge favor
for someone, even though it's
causing him a lot of suffering
to do it, should
the person receiving
the favor come forward and
confess, even though she
may be horribly murdered?
You know, I see right through
this charade, young lady.
- You do?
- Oh, yes.
I can just imagine the fine mess
you've gotten yourself into.
You can?
Lisa, kids have the same
problems today as they
did when I was growing up.
I... I know you think
you're the only person
in the world this has
happened to, but I assure you,
you're not.
Lisa, the same thing happened
to me when I was a teenager.
- It did?
- Mm-hm. Yeah. Uh-huh.
I still remember doing all of
those extra homework papers
for my friends so they
too would get good grades.
What?
That's it, right?
Homework?
What? I...
Lisa, you are so kind.
You are so giving.
Don't let people take
advantage of you.
My advice to you,
tell your friends
to do their own homework.
Sure, daddy. I will.
Just know i...
I always have the
answers for you.
Take care, sweetie.
Let them do their homework.
Oh, kids today.
One crisis after another.
What the?
Git, git, git, git.
Milton, this better be good.
Ooh.
Interesting.
Very interesting, Milton.
You may stand at ease.
Thank you, sir.
I can tell there is
something quite extraordinary
about Kelly Hankins.
I've compiled several
pages of behavior
which are extremely suspicious.
I believe that some
snitch-worthy material
will pop out on him very soon.
Excellent work, Milton.
See to it that you're
there to uncover the story.
I will have no scandal in
my school go unexposed.
What are you going
to the prom for anyway?
You're too fat to dance, and
you haven't even got a date.
I'm going for the principle.
You have a date
with principal Miller?
No, stupid.
I'm going because I won't
let anyone or anything
stop me from doing what I want.
Kelly Hankins runs his own race.
Kelly Hankins is too fat
to walk, much less run.
Where'd you get that
screwball outfit from anyway?
The costume store.
It was only tux that fit.
Now come over and
help me with my shoes.
I want to make sure my
outfit doesn't clash.
Beware of the man
whose middle name is danger.
Danger.
He has no friends, no,
he couldn't be stranger.
So be warned.
You mess with the shadow,
you mess with our town.
Bye-bye.
Mess with the shadow,
he's gonna take you down.
Whoa yeah, you're gone.
You're going down.
All out of excuses
'cause I've never,
no, I've never been so wrong.
All those things
I should have said,
the noise fills my head
and how I miss,
miss your sweet song.
Tell me...
How long, how long,
how long will your name
leave me in pieces?
Tell me how long, how long,
how long till your heart
gets mine completely?
How long?
Hey, principal
Miller, nurse Zelda.
Heyo, Buenos
noches, senor Hankins.
Meow.
You're looking quite
festive this evening.
Ay caramba.
Would you like some
punch, nurse Zelda?
That sounds mouthwatering.
So sure we were forever.
Was I wrong?
Was I confused?
You see I lost my way
and I lost my faith.
Yeah, I lost everything
when I lost you.
Exquisite threads, my man.
I'm totally envious of how
well your tie and shoes match.
You look pretty good too, ditto.
It's just a little
spur of the moment thing
that I threw together.
Uh, did you recognize
the glorious creature
that walked by?
No.
What glorious creature?
The one with the
big pink orchid.
Yeah?
Guess I didn't notice.
Well, every other jockstrap
neanderthal in here did.
It's Lisa.
You remember?
Your ex?
Previous passion?
She's looking kind of
sickly, don't you think?
Sickly?
Sure, Kel.
She's falling apart without you.
Hey, Debbie.
Deb... Debbie.
Why don't you take
this poor, sad soul out
onto the dance floor and
check for signs of life?
There you... ok.
Attagirl.
Thank you, Debbie.
Nurse?
The shadow,
he never makes a sound.
No, no.
Never see the shadow
until he takes you down.
Whoa yeah, you're gone,
you're going down.
- You guys sound great.
- Thanks, Kelly.
Sorry you couldn't
be a part of this.
I was hoping for
old time's sake,
that you guys would just
play this song with me?
Sure.
Yeah, ok.
Do you know how it feels?
Do you know what it's like?
Nothing goes how it's planned.
No one's left on your side.
I keep waiting for you
to come back around.
I keep on trying to figure out,
where did I go wrong?
How did this happen?
Where did we go wrong?
My whole world is crashing.
If you love me
like you said you did,
then how'd we get to this?
Where did I go wrong?
Where did we go wrong?
I thought we wanted the same.
Maybe you're just too scared.
I try and handle the pain,
but guess you want it that way.
I keep on waiting for
you to come back around.
I keep on trying to figure out,
where did I go wrong?
How did this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
My whole world is crashing.
If you love like you said you
did, then how'd we get to this?
So where did I go wrong?
Where did we go wrong?
I will be here even
though you're scared
and treat me this way, 'cause
I said I'll always love you,
and that won't ever change.
Where did I go wrong?
How did this happen?
Where did I go wrong?
My whole world is crashing.
If you love me like you said you
did, then how'd we get to this?
So where did I go wrong?
Where did we go wrong?
Attention, attention, students.
Attention.
Settle down, people.
Settle down.
Well, I trust we
are all enjoying
the evening like
responsible, mature adults.
At this time, it is
my honor to announce
this year's valedictorian.
Now, um, we always
take into consideration
the grades and contributions
throughout all four years
here at Butterhill high.
And while this particular
individual may have crashed
and burned late in
the year, the award
still goes to Kelly Hankins.
Uh, congratulations,
Kelly and we
look forward to hearing
your words of wisdom
at the graduation ceremonies.
And now, the backward dance.
So ladies, grab a partner
other than your own.
Woo! Woo!
Raise the... the thing.
You're my choice, lover boy.
What are you doing?
Hey, bronco.
Don't look now, but there's
a bee on your flower.
Yeah, man.
Looks like he's trying to get
some honey for his stringer.
Yeah.
Something poked me.
Ditto?
You perverted slime.
Ditto!
He's... he's...
He's what?
He is pregnant.
That's right.
Kelly Hankins is
gonna to have a baby.
Hey, come on.
Extra, extra.
Read all about it.
Baby boom at Butterhill high.
How does it feel to
be Milton's mamaboy?
He's probably after
the Pulitzer prize.
I mean, can you believe this?
Can you believe the slanderous
things he's saying about me?
They're all true, aren't they?
That's besides the point.
I mean, he doesn't have to
make it sound so unusual.
Yeah, he takes an ordinary story
and tries to sensationalize it.
Are you ever planning to
visit the outside world again?
'Cause if you're not, I sure
could use your baseball mitt.
Just because a guy likes
to spend a couple of days
alone in his room
doesn't mean that he's
looking to join a monastery.
And besides, I like spending
time with, uh, my goldfish.
Yeah, that goldfish
is the only social life
you'll be seeing for a while.
Sorry to interrupt your date.
Don't forget about the mitt.
Yeah.
You can't have my
mitt, you vulture.
I really wasn't
interested in your mitt.
But maybe your car.
Sorry, dad.
Too late.
I just had a long talk
with your uncle Theus,
and he told me everything.
Son, I've never had a reason
to be anything other than proud
of you, and I want you to
know that that still stands.
But dad, aren't you ashamed
when you walk down the street
and people point and
whisper, there goes
the father of that mamaboy?
Eighth wonder of the world.
Freak of nature.
Is that what you think?
Son, that couldn't be
further from the truth.
The man upstairs, he asked
you for a big favor, one
with tremendous sacrifice,
and you haven't let him down.
And you've never let me down.
Just, it's a lot more difficult
than I thought it would be.
I mean, I could never imagine
doing this a second time.
Mothers are amazing.
Aren't they, though?
The family's going to be
going to church this morning.
Will you be joining us?
I'm pretty sure if I
showed my face at church,
reverend weld
would go ballistic.
I mean, I must have broken every
religious rule in the book.
Ah. I've never been a fan
of religious rules.
Do this, do that,
do this, do that.
By the time you're done, you're
nothing but a big doo doo.
Look, we don't have
all the answers, son.
But I do know this.
God, he has a plan
and a purpose for you.
And no matter what you
go through in life,
you need not be afraid,
because all things
work together for good.
God's got your back.
So do I.
Thanks, dad.
Life just seems a lot
less scary inside my room.
You know, Kelly,
you could probably
live in your room for
the rest of your life,
and nothing bad would
ever happen to you.
But then again, son,
nothing good would
ever happen to you either.
Mm.
Buon appetito, furry
little pregnant friend.
Uncle Theus has
made your favorite...
Oh.
Oh.
Onward Christian
soldiers marching as to war.
With the cross of Jesus...
Maybe this isn't
such a good idea.
You think?
Reverend weld's going to
give you so much heat,
I'm going to melt just
sitting next to you.
Maybe I should just
wait outside, you know?
Onward Christian
soldiers, marching...
My dear brothers and
sisters, throughout the ages,
god has taught us
many lessons, but none
more dramatic than
the judgment that
follows perverse immorality.
In the times of the pharaohs,
god brought forth great plagues
upon the Egyptian people.
And in Sodom and
Gomorrah, he devastated
with fire and brimstone.
And in the time of Noah, he
destroyed the whole world.
God will damn the wicked.
Now it is our duty as
god-fearing Christian soldiers
to terminate the indecency,
to eradicate the vermin that
shame us before
our maker, to seek
and destroy all that is unholy.
Now me, I am a mild-mannered,
peace-loving person,
but I have to tell
you, my blood boils
when I start to see how
some of our young people
are keeping company with
the prince of darkness.
Yeah.
They are dancing with the devil.
They are playing rock
music with the devil.
They are sleeping
with the devil.
And now, they have
fornicated with the devil.
One of our very own has
sold his soul to Satan,
and now he is carrying
Satan's child.
Now, wait a minute, reverend.
No, there is no minute to wait.
We must exorcise the
demon from within.
Good Christian soldiers,
bring the lost soul forward.
Hold on to tight, boys.
Remember how strong
the demon is possessed.
- Daddy, wait.
- Oh, Lisa.
I'm so glad you're here, honey.
Please just hold
his head like that.
You know, make sure it
doesn't start spinning around.
I call upon you.
In the name of god,
be gone, Satan.
Please release him
from eternal damnation.
I need the help of the
whole congregation.
Please, Satan, go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell!
Oh, god.
Please, show us you've heard.
Bring us a miracle.
Give us a sign.
Holy crap.
Son of a bitch.
A sign.
It's a sign.
Did... did did... you
get the message?
Hm? Did you get
the message?
It's... you don't
have to be afraid.
You don't have to be
afraid of... of god.
You don't have to
be afraid of Satan.
You don't have to be afraid
of your neighbors or people
far away from you.
Look, I'm just a scientist.
I'm not a religious person.
But I know that
god, right, is love.
He loves you.
He loves you and you.
And I suppose god
even loves you.
But right now, god loves
Kelly Hankins most of all.
If that's how god feels,
who are we to disagree?
How you doing?
You ok?
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
This place gives me
the heeby jeebs, man.
I haven't been in
there in 20 years,
and I'm gonna give
it another 20.
Thanks for the
rescue, uncle Theus.
I mean, you're a life saver.
Or a taker.
What?
Better you should see.
I'll show you. Come on.
Let's go.
You're not going to
make me be a Guinea
pig in one of your
experiments again, are you?
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Everything.
I've put you in gave danger,
all to satisfy my curiosity.
But I'm... I'm fine.
For how long?
We are in uncharted territory.
We must end the experiment.
What if I don't want to?
The consequences
could be unthinkable.
Look, the decision is yours.
I need some time alone.
Reverend weld and
crowd: Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
He has sold his soul to Satan.
You've cracked.
Reverend weld and
crowd: Go back to hell.
Go back to hell.
- Kelly.
- Get out of here.
Hit me with your best shot.
It'll burst out of you.
One bad decision after the next.
You stop that.
You can't get away
from me that easily.
Mama.
Kelly, you about ready?
I pressed your gown, and...
Kelly, you're still in bed.
I'm just not feeling too good.
But dear, it's graduation
day, and the whole family...
I'm sorry, mom. I just... I
don't think I can make it.
Jeff?
Kelly's not feeling very well.
Rough night, son?
A nightmare.
Your mother says you're sick.
No, not really.
I'm just scared.
Guess I'm just a coward.
I mean, I've been praying
to make this all go away,
but I just don't think
god listens to me.
God listens.
He just doesn't always say yes.
Kelly, even the best
starting pitcher
occasionally needs a reliever
to come in and take over.
Son, maybe you've
been holding that ball
too tight for too long.
Why don't you put
that in god's hands
and let him decide
the next pitch?
Trust him.
All right, dad.
I will.
But we're gonna need a
miracle to win this one.
Well, you just
happened to be in luck,
son, because god is in
the miracle business.
And if you don't want to go
to graduation, it's all right.
The ones that love you,
they'll understand.
Now is there anything
I can get you?
On your way out
there, you might want
to stop by a travel agency.
Pick up a ticket for Africa.
One way.
Business or coach?
First class.
Sandra L. Paxen.
Kelly R. Hankins.
Not present.
I don't blame him
for not showing up.
It's all my fault. Just a
moment of temporary insanity.
Candice J. Cotton.
Ditto Moore.
We did it. We did it!
Milton Vanderblack.
Bartholomew b.
Winterbottom, III.
Lisa G. Weld.
Ladies and gentlemen, I
present to you our graduating
class of Butterhill high.
At this time, we
would normally hear
from our class valedictorian.
However, due to
unforeseen circumstances,
this year's speaker
is not present.
In his place, I
would like to comment
on these fine, responsible,
mature young adults.
You need to see a
doctor, young lady.
As these leaders of
tomorrow begin their journey
through the maze
of life, they will
find their most memorable
years were spent with me
here at Butterhill high.
I molded them and painstakingly
shaped them into what
I believe will be this...
Gen... generations next,
uh, Kelly Hankins.
I mean, it looks
like Kelly Hankins,
our class valedictorian,
is with us after all.
I don't know how...
So, uh, ladies and gentlemen,
your valedictorian,
Mr. Kelly R. Hankins.
Thank you, principal Miller,
for those inspiring words.
I would now like to give
my valedictorian speech.
Friends and relatives,
teachers and fellow students,
today we leave the safety of the
lives we've known as Butterhill
high school students,
and we venture
into the world of uncertainty
and possibilities.
We will face challenges the
likes of which we could have
never dreamed, and the
way in which we respond
will be forever embedded
into our character.
Any great challenge will
initially scare you to death...
Fear of failure,
ridicule, embarrassment,
fear of losing friends,
fear of losing loved ones,
and fear of death.
Do not be afraid to
go out on a limb,
because that is
where the fruit is.
You must learn and grow by
doing what you are afraid of.
I was recently enslaved by fear.
It robbed me of my joy, stole
precious moments of my life,
and chipped away
at my character.
Fear let me down a path
of destructiveness,
and nearly convinced me
to destroy another's.
Fear held its hand to
the throat of possibly
the next great theologian,
or dedicated educator,
or future hall of fame athlete.
President Roosevelt once told
us we have nothing to fear
but fear itself.
And I for one will no longer
bow to the influence of fear.
And it is my hope that
you will stand up and join
me in facing your fears.
And though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no...
I will fear no...
No, um...
I will fear no...
Kelly.
It's time. I'm time.
Kelly. Stage four. Stage four.
Breathe.
I must be dead.
I see an angel.
No, Kelly.
It me, Lisa.
Same thing.
What happened?
You collapsed.
We nearly lost you.
Where's my baby?
Congratulations, mom.
It's a boy.
A boy.
He's perfect.
No horn-rimmed
glasses or anything.
Nothing could ever top this.
I wouldn't be so sure.
This one's a girl.
A girl?
Two?
How am I ever gonna
to handle two?
How are we going to?
We?
I told my father about us.
You did?
I'm sorry everything
turned out so bad.
Bad?
No, no.
Everything turned out good.
Now I know how much my
father really loves me.
You're my hero.
And from now on, I'm not gonna
be scared of anyone or anything
as long as I have you.
Can you get up?
Yeah.
There's something
I want to show you.
All the way!
They're all behind you...
Letting you know
you made the right choice.
They love you, Kelly.
What about you?
Well,
I've got a
heavy hankering for you...
Kelly Hankins.
I'm praying for the answers
to these questions.
These sleepless nights
go on and on.
I feel like running away
from the truth,
ignoring everything I know
and everyone or everyone I love.
I was just a boy,
I didn't know any better.
Thoughts of my future
and all its demons.
In life now I search
for constant reason
to get out of my bed.
Listen to the voice
inside my head.
They're trying to tell me to
cope with all these
different standards.
Playing life
to please the crowd.
It's hard when there's
too much to handle.
Hope to turn this life around.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
Take me back home.
Safely I'll go back to my bed
with these thoughts of anger.
'Cause you're still spinning
around my head.
You know it's true.
I'm not...
Round and round,
it's plain to see.
This road I'm on is killing me.
Cope with all these
different standards,
playing life
to please the crowd.
It's hard when there's
too much to handle.
Hope to turn this life around.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
I am yours.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
In light you will find me.
Hold on tight through the night.
I am yours.
You'll never understand
what you do to me.
Just one touch, feel your heart
beating next to me.
'Cause I've been waiting for
so long just to see you leave.
So don't leave me.
Trust me, baby,
I'll be your everything.
Just one kiss, one smile,
girl, you make me sing.
'Cause I've been waiting for
so long just to see you leave.
So don't leave me.
'Cause I'm crazy for you.
Yeah.