# He is the man of the moment,
the man of today
# Yes, he's the man of the moment,
I'm happy to say
# But he's not here for the moment,
a man on his way
# Just a man of the moment for today
# He's no friend in fair weather,
enjoying the sun
# He'll quickly vanish forever
if a dark cloud should come
# The man of the moment
that I've waited for
# Will be my man
of the moment evermore
# Evermore, evermore
# He's not the kind to love 'em
and to leave 'em
# Evermore, evermore
# When he whispers loving words,
you can believe 'em
# He's no friend in fair weather,
enjoying the sun
# He'll quickly vanish forever
if a dark cloud should come
# The man of the moment
that I've waited for
# Will be my man
of the moment evermore #
All right. I'll see they all know.
Right. Goodbye.
- Morning, Florrie. Mr Vavistock.
- Morning, Norman.
Hey! Fancy the guv being late!
He's not coming in. He's got the flu.
What a time to pick,
with Tidmarsh on leave.
- Looks like you'll be in charge today!
- Yeah.
Yeah! Acting chief filing clerk! Me!
- Mrs Burton, that'll be all, thank you.
- Oh!
Well, don't stand there, woman.
Go on, run along.
Florrie...
You fell for that one, didn't you?
Oh, Norman!
I thought for a minute you were serious!
Oh, dear.
Morning, Sonia.
You and your film star.
- I saw her last night.
- You never!
- I did.
- In the flesh?
- No, in the pictures.
- Ah.
She weren't half smashing.
I saw it round twice.
If it isn't too inconvenient,
would you kindly get out the files
on Persian mineral deposits,
eastern substrata and pipeline personal?
Yes, sir. Acting chief filing clerk.
Persian mineral deposits,
eastern substrata, pipeline personal.
A, J, K.
Sorry to be so long, sir.
Tea up.
Well then, gentlemen,
you will be wondering about
the renewed interest in Tawaki.
Recent developments in the Pacific
have highlighted it
as a possible base of great importance.
One of the islands is uninhabited.
It has an excellent anchorage,
sheltered by an extinct volcano.
Many other countries have been in touch
with the Queen of Tawaki,
who is undecided whether to accept
or refuse their offers.
Gentlemen, your job
at the Geneva Conference
will be to get a decision in our favour.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, sir.
Very well. Jackson, get any files
you have on Tawaki sent up.
Right away, sir.
Filing room? Oh, Vavistock.
Away? Then Tidmarsh.
Away too? Then who am I talking to?
Norman? Very well, Norman.
Send up any files you have on Tawaki.
With the utmost celerity, sir.
If that's that the Tawaki file, hurry up.
Mr Jackson's waiting.
Norman? Here a minute.
- Are you going in there?
- Yeah.
Take the tea trolley for me, will you?
It's my tea break.
Isn't it marvellous?
I cannot overstress the importance
our government places
upon this conference at Geneva.
I had a chat with the PM only yesterday.
- And he said...
- Tea up!
Well, bring it in, boy!
(Trolley squeaking)
(Shouting) As I was saying,
I had a chat with the PM yesterday
and he said...
- As I was saying...
- (Clunking)
..I had a chat with the PM and he said...
- (Squeaking)
- .."Horace..."
- Why do you have this?
- I brought it...
- Never mind. Serve the tea.
- I'm not the tea boy!
- I'm the acting chief...
- Shh!
- Oh.
- Let's get down to details.
One thing, Jackson. How many members
do you envisage in the delegation?
- Five.
- How many?
Five.
I'm sorry. I mean eight.
I beg your pardon, but this says
there are six delegates.
My mistake. Six.
I wish you'd make up your mind.
They've melted now.
Is there anything of value on the island?
- Milk?
- No. No milk. Maybe a little oil.
Ain't it marvellous?
I'm not clear about this island's position
in relation to the mainland.
It's all quite clear on the map here.
Let me show you. Now, er...let me see.
- Where do you want it, sir?
- Just there.
- Take that away.
- You said...
Take it away!
Am I right in saying just there?
No, not there. There.
Will you take that away?
Oh, have a cake.
- Are there any rocks?
- Only one. Who's going to have it?
Will you get out?
There'll be six travelling.
Shall I lay on the transport?
- I take it we're going by air.
- Coming down.
I think we've covered everything now.
Take a filing clerk with you, Jackson.
Yes, sir. I'll see to that right away.
Oh! Where's that wretched tea boy?
Who wants me?
- Who did that?
- Get out!
Get out!
If you spent less time studying
movie stars and more on your job...
- Where's Mr Vavistock?
- Flu.
- Where to?
- No, sir, he's got flu.
- Where's his deputy?
- On leave.
- Where's his deputy?
- That's me.
- Good. Got a passport?
- No, sir.
Get one. Got any passport photos?
You'll need two.
I've got this one, sir.
That's me in the football team.
See if you can find me.
- Go on. Pick me out.
- No, that won't do.
Haven't you got one by yourself?
I've got this one. There you are.
It's not my body, of course.
You'd better get some done. File these.
That's all I've got.
Except one from when I was a baby.
- What are you doing up there?
- Putting these away.
Go and get your passport photos taken.
- What do I want photos for?
- You're going away tomorrow.
- Me? Where?
- Geneva.
Geneva? Me? Aargh! Aargh! Hey!
Hey!
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- It's a lovely day.
- Perfectly glorious.
- The sun's shining and...
- Can you take a passport photograph?
- Yes, of course. Do sit down.
- Thank you.
- (Hissing)
- Oh!
Well, get off it, then!
Oh! Ho! Thank you.
Quite still, please.
- Ready?
- Oh! Ha, not me. Him.
No smiling, please.
I'm not. I've got a light
stuck right in me face.
Unfortunately, we have got to see you.
I cannot take you smiling. A passport
photograph must not look pleasant.
- And please remove your hat.
- I don't want to take me hat off!
Oh...
Would you like to go somewhere else?
- You can't. The Ministry sent him here.
- You know where you can go.
Come out of it. I'll show you.
Ah. Very good. Very good indeed.
Now...
No smiling, please.
Control yourself, please!
I can't help it! The more you stop me,
the more I seem to can't help it!
Pull yourself together!
I've got it... Oh, it's going!
Go on! Go on.
Now, force yourself. Go on.
That's it. Go on.
Control yourself!
Come on, then. Go on, take me.
Take me! You're too late!
You missed it again!
Here, look. I'll put this...
I'll put this over me face.
Go!
It's no good!
Leave me alone.
You go look at your camera.
- Where you been?
- Leave my studio immediately!
- I shall sue you for this.
- Really?
Oh! Oh... (Mumbling)
Got it.
- Now, are we all here, Mitchell?
- Everybody except the filing clerk.
Filing clerk not here? What a nuisance.
Never mind. He'll have to follow on later.
I think it's this way.
What in heaven's name...?
Oh, no! Not you.
Why, you...!
- Oh!
- Sorry, miss.
- Would you take your seat?
- I'm getting off at the next stop.
You're not allowed to stand, sir.
There is a seat vacant up here.
Be careful. You've done
enough damage for one day.
Would you fasten your belt please, sir?
- I don't wear one.
- I mean your safety belt, sir.
Oh! I thought you were getting me at it!
- Allow me.
- Thank you.
- Sonia!
- I beg your pardon?
Sorry. Picture of Sonia Karol.
Famous film star.
I reckon she's smashing.
When you've finished with that,
can I have it? Please?
Well, yes, in a minute.
Thank you very much.
Do you collect film stars' photographs?
Only hers. I've got 107!
Oh, sorry.
I think she's wonderful.
You must do.
- Enjoying your trip, madam?
- Very much, thank you.
- Everything all right, sir?
- Yes, thank you. Very nice.
Always is on this line.
- Who was that?
- The pilot.
Pilot? Well, who's driving, then?
Hey!
There is another pilot, you know.
(All exclaiming)
- You're the British delegation?
- Quite right.
- There will be no baggage examination.
- Thank you.
Hey, what's your game?
- Garfield?
- Yes?
- There you are.
- Cooper?
- I am here.
- You could have got it yourself.
Lloyd? Lloyd!
Hey, Lloydy, come on. Wake up!
That's private.
You can look after the heavy stuff.
There's one here with no name on.
Whose is this with no name on?
Ain't it marvellous?
Hey, it's mine! I'll take that.
Mitchell. Here y'are.
- Jennings?
- Yes?
Jackson. There y'are.
I'll look after this lot.
You can wash and brush up.
- Will you kindly control yourself?
- What's up?
Keep your voice down!
- (Softly) What's up?
- Oh... This way, gentlemen.
- What room am I in, please?
- Your name?
Norman. With the British delegation.
I'm afraid there is no reservation.
What, they left me out?
Hey, Mr Jackson! Mr Jackson!
- I ain't got nowhere to sleep.
- I forgot all about you.
- Would you look after my filing clerk?
- Yes, sir.
- This is he.
- Yes, sir.
Sign here, Mr Norman.
We are very busy.
Top floor. Room 700.
Sorry!
- Have you got the key?
- Key?
- Room 700, please.
- Oui, monsieur.
Septime.
The top floor is for staff.
The staff is not allowed to use the lift.
- Oh, I can use the stairs, then?
- Oui.
You're very kind.
I'm only here for a week!
Cor blimey.
(Laughing) Smashing!
Ah! Ah!
(Whistle)
- Oh!
- Ooh!
- Sorry.
- It'd have to be you, wouldn't it?
- Yes. Er...no.
- What a nice surprise.
- Is it?
- No.
- Funny we should bump into each other.
- Most amusing.
- Isn't it marvellous? Hey, miss!
- Yes.
Miss, I know I'm awkward
but I really am sorry.
That was nice of you.
Is this your first trip?
- Yes. And yours?
- Mm, I'm on holiday.
- What are you doing?
- I'm with the British delegation.
- I'm attending a conference.
- Really?
- I'm chief filing clerk.
- How interesting.
A very responsible job.
Yes, I'm sure it is.
(Yodelling)
(Mouthing)
(lnaudible)
# All day long in Switzerland
# There's a song in Switzerland
# They yodel and yodel away
# It's the loveliest language they say
# Instead of good morning
the Swiss always say
# Yodelee, yodelee, yodelay
# When gathering corn
or enjoying their play
# Yodelee, yodelee, yodelay
# They yodel when dancing
and when they're romancing
# A yodel, they say,
keeps your worries away
# And when there's a wedding,
the bells even play
# Yodelee, yodelee, yodelay
# Instead of good morning
the Swiss always say
# Yodelay-ee
# Yodelay, yodelay
# When gathering corn
or enjoying their play
- # Yodelee... #
- (Expert yodelling)
# They yodel when dancing
and when they're romancing
# A yodel, they say,
keeps your worries away
# And when there's a wedding,
the bells even play... #
(lntricate yodelling)
(Continues yodelling)
(Mouths intricate yodelling)
Oh!
Penny!
- Good morning.
- Morning.
There are details to discuss on ltem 17.
- I'll ring for breakfast.
- Yes, right.
(Humming)
- Here is the Pacific Ocean.
- Yes, I see that.
And who did that?
Oh! Ooh! Oh!
Oh, my goodness!
My dear chap.
- Better have a look.
- This is an outrage!
Whoever it is,
they'll pay for this. The indignity!
Mitchell! For heaven's sake,
sit up, man. Ohh!
(Conversing quietly)
- Ground floor, please.
- Staff may not use the lift.
I'm not on the staff!
Hey!
Oh!
Coming down! Look out, miss!
(Giggling)
Come here, my little duckling!
Which floor is...
Staff is not allowed to use the lift.
Which floor is Mr Jackson on?
He wants me.
Oh. Sixth floor.
Oh! I've gotta go up
all those stairs again!
You will be very careful
with Mr Mitchell, please.
- Norman.
- You wanted to see me?
I do indeed. So does the rest
of the delegation. Come this way.
Come this way, my boy.
Just sit down there, would you?
That's right.
Norman, a catastrophe has happened.
Mr Mitchell has been incapacitated.
He only got hit on the head with a bowl.
Oh. Er...
Tomorrow's conference is worrying us.
We'll only have five representatives.
Everyone else has six.
- We can't be outnumbered by Ecuador.
- Nor the United States.
- Good Lord, no.
- No.
- No.
- And so...can you put up your hand?
There's a clever boy.
Gentlemen, I ask you.
- Where did you learn to do that?
- At school, if I wanted to go to...
Naturally.
Tomorrow, but only for tomorrow,
you will take Mr Mitchell's place.
- Me?
- Yes. Just vote when I tell you to.
I'm going to be a delegate?
This is the unhappiest day of my life.
The answer is yes.
But only until Mr Mitchell returns.
- I'll have a suit like yours?
- Course.
- And stripes all down me trousers?
- Yes, indeed.
One minute. I want a proper room.
- With a window.
- That's very difficult.
Listen, no window...no delegate.
(All talking at once)
Phone down immediately.
A large room with a window.
- And I want a hat.
- Yes, a hat.
- Then I'll be the same as you!
- Course you will!
(Screaming)
I'll be one of the delegation!
This was Mr Mitchell's room, monsieur.
Monsieur? Key.
The gentleman who was moved into
Room 600 may now use the lift.
Bien.
Hello? It's Room 600 'ere.
(Posh voice)
This is Mr Norman's secretary speaking.
On his behalf, naturally.
Cos he's having a bit of a kip, see.
He's expecting his tailors,
and as soon as they arrive...
would you show them up? Splendid.
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
You rang, sir?
Cor!
Er... Oh, er...I thought
I was switching on the light.
Oh.
No, that is the light switch by your bed.
And, er...
this is the bell.
And that is the telephone.
But please, sir, ring again
if you need anything.
Erm...well, I'll...
- (Knocking)
- (Muffled) Come in!
Ja?
Nothing I want at all!
La chambre six cents,
s'il vous plat, mademoiselle.
I'm in the bath!
- (Knocking)
- I'm in the bath!
Bonjour, monsieur.
Here we bring the new suit.
- Oh, my conference clobber!
- Bonjour, monsieur.
- If monsieur is fit, we can fit.
- Bonjour, monsieur.
So! Bon!
Bon, bon!
Smashing, eh? I shan't need
that any more, that's one thing.
Smashing, isn't it, eh?
Smashing! So...
I thought...
Hey, now, don't...
(Tailors giggling and chattering)
(Shouting)
(All shouting)
Oooh!
(Confused shouting)
Hilfe! Polizei!
Polizei!
Auf wiedersehen. Polizei!
Fellow delegates,
in this short survey,
I have been quite unable...
..as one single vote
against this resolution
will set back the work
of the six sub-committees
and 12 sub-sub-committees
- for 10 months.
- Gracious!
It is the earnest hope of my government
that all delegates will give it
their unanimous support.
(Applause)
We will now put this resolution
to the vote.
Those in favour, raise their hands.
- Sonia Karol!
- Sonia, darling.
Oh, please! Thank you.
- Would you like to name your...
- I haven't decided yet.
(Murmuring)
This way
to the distinguished visitors' gallery.
And now the next question...
Cor! Sonia Karol!
(Murmuring)
- Oh, I think you're smashing!
- (Laughter)
What's the matter with you lot?
She is smashing!
(lnaudible)
I say she ought to be a delegate,
that's what I say!
I've seen all your films.
I've got 107 of your pictures.
What's the matter with you?
The next question concerns
the islands of Tawaki.
The representatives from Tawaki,
at the request of their queen,
ask that discussion be postponed.
The queen requires more time
for consideration.
Mr Chairman, I really must protest.
This question has been raised
three times and it's always postponed.
We most definitely support the British
in this matter.
We too cannot agree
to a further postponement.
Under the rules of this conference,
any delegate in favour
of this postponement
may use his right of veto.
One of the British delegates
has voted in favour of postponement.
The Tawaki question
postponed till next session.
Get him out of here. Out. Quickly.
- What are you doing?
- You're wanted on the phone.
- Who, me?
- Yes. Through that door.
Hello?
Hello? Am I wanted on the phone?
Well, I was told...
Well, that's funny.
..dining with us.
Nothing formal, mind you.
We want to be very friendly with Tawaki.
- Vodka and caviar, six o'clock.
- A cocktail tonight?
- Allow me, please...
- Gentlemen, please excuse us.
(All complaining)
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
- Yes, gentlemen?
- Greetings.
- Did you want me on the blower?
- Blower?
Oh, telephone. Sorry.
Allow us to introduce ourselves.
He is Navu and I am Toki.
We are from Tawaki
and now, Honourable Sir...
- My name's Norman.
- Honourable Sir Norman.
We are grateful that you are
the only delegate to vote for us.
Oh, that was all a mistake.
Don't be so modest.
You are a brave man.
Am I?
Yes. You have the power and influence
to help our queen.
Me?
As you know, the great powers
are trying to take one of our islands.
Our queen is very sad.
We in Tawaki wish to be left
in peace and quiet,
not to be a strategic centre.
- Otherwise, you know what will happen?
- No.
Where once young lovers
sang love songs under coconut trees
there will be rough soldiers.
Where now the young girls
walk barefoot on golden sands,
they will walk on chewing gum.
(Tuts)
And all the beautiful flowers
will be choked by barbed wire.
And our gentle queen will weep.
- And our people will weep.
- The tears of Tawaki will fall like rain.
Bloomin' shame.
- Mademoiselle?
- The British delegation office?
- A droit, mademoiselle.
- Left?
- No, no. To the right.
- Thank you.
Find out who is the British delegate
who exercised the veto.
- The Tawaki question didn't come up?
- No.
We were blocked by one man.
You didn't tell me
you were a delegate.
I was terribly impressed.
Oh, well...
I wanted to keep it as a surprise.
Tell me, why did you exercise
your right to veto?
- Hm?
- Well...
That! Someone's got to
look after these people.
It's not right the way
they get kicked around.
So I've written to their queen.
Want to hear it?
Yes, please. Well, not if it's private.
Well, it is and it isn't. I'll read it to you.
"Dear Queen,
"I just heard
everyone's trying to get your island.
"The thought of barbed wire and
chewing gum has made me very sad.
"If I was you, I wouldn't let anyone
land on any of my islands.
"I am a member of the British delegation,
"and you can count on me
to look after your wishes.
"And so, dear Queen,
"hoping this finds you as it leaves me,
affectionately yours, Norman."
Norman, I think that's sweet of you.
Monsieur et Madame Bertrand de Laine.
Le Comte Antonio Riviera,
Gnral Coropolos.
Sir Humphrey and Lady Griffiths.
Contessa et Signorina Cozzi.
Mr, Mrs, Miss Joshua Rope.
Mademoiselle Sonia Karol.
Evening dress, sir,
and by invitation only.
I'm on the list. I'm one of the delegates.
There you are...er...
They missed me off again. Don't worry.
I'm sorry, sir.
Evening dress and by invitation only.
- Isn't that De Groot?
- I think you're right, sir.
I hope Mitchell's evening dress
is in here. Where is it?
Right at the back, I suppose.
I'll show 'em! Evening dress!
- Hey, missus!
- Monsieur! Attention!
Oh, I'm sorry!
Non, non!
- Mes verres. Oh!
- Oh.
- Careful.
- Ah. Ah, that's fine.
- If you will permit me, sir...
- Hey! Me neck!
No, monsieur. No, no.
Allow me. Thank you.
I'm sorry, miss. I didn't do it on purpose.
Hey! Hey, what's your game?
Take it up. Sixth floor.
There y'are. Evening dress.
- Thank goodness that's over.
- It was terrible!
I would like to go to
the Beau Rivage caf.
Well, let's go.
- It's all right.
- Oh, please. Be happy for my sake.
Monsieur?
Oh, er... Oh, coffee, please.
When you bring it, just leave it here
cos I'm gonna dance with
the famous Miss Sonia Karol.
Oui, monsieur.
- Champagne.
- Oui, monsieur.
..you don't play cricket?
Your fan.
Miss Karol,
can I have a dance with you, please?
Erm...I'm sorry. I'm much too tired.
I won't dance quick.
You can set the pace, long as I have one.
I'm much too tired this evening.
Please forgive me.
I don't mind waiting.
She said she's tired.
Goodbye.
I didn't dance cos she's tired
and I didn't want to bother her.
Oui, monsieur.
(lnaudible over music)
(lnaudible)
# My head and my heart are in trouble
# They argue what's right
and what's wrong
# My head thinks it's stupid
# To make dates with cupid
# My heart finds its reasons are strong
# The moonshine in your hair
# Suggests a love affair
# But I hear a voice within me whispering
# "Beware"
# The beauty of your face
# Invites a fond embrace
# But I hear a voice within me whispering
# "Beware, beware"
# Memories of past loves are fleeting
# Into my heart you are creeping
# My heart you will entice
# My head whispers this advice
# "Now, beware
# "Beware
# "Beware" #
(Applause)
Wonderful.
- Oh, please go and see who it was.
- Me?
- Yes, please, hurry.
- (Sighs)
- News from Geneva, Mother?
- Yes, dear.
Toki says that all the great powers
are offering great riches for Mahoola.
But nobody lives there, Mother.
The evil spirits are so strong!
Even the volcano is dead!
What harm could it do us
if other people went there?
We'd lose our peaceful way of living.
Then what would the riches be worth?
Now, what's this about?
"Dear Queen,
"I just heard
everybody's trying to get your island.
- "And I thought..."
- Who's the letter from, Mother?
"Affectionately yours, Norman."
(Explosion)
Mahoola speaks!
An omen! A good omen!
Who is he that writes
and wants nothing from me?
He is the one to trust.
What he counsels, so will I decide.
But Mr Jackson said I could be
a delegate till Mr Mitchell got better!
You did enough damage on your first
and last appearance for our country.
You said there were six and I...
Norman, one thing
seems to have escaped you.
You are finally and definitely dismissed.
You can't give me the sack!
I won't take it!
I'm a civil servant!
I'm acting chief filing clerk!
I'm as good as you.
I have a bath every Sunday.
Why should I be messed about?
Take a running jump.
(Phone)
Hello? Hello.
What is it?
No. No.
- Well, he ain't.
- (Knocking)
Isn't.
Hello, Miss Penny.
I was in the chamber.
I thought you were ill or something.
I did have a pain in me stomach
so I couldn't vote.
- Did you?
- It's not the truth, really.
Mr Jackson won't let me be
a delegate any more.
Oh. I see.
- (Knocking)
- Come in.
Oh, hello!
- This is Miss Penny Harvey.
- Er...your woman?
Well, er...
Greetings to
Honourable Sir Norman's woman.
My queen sends this reply to your letter.
"Her Most Excellent Majesty,
the Queen of Tawaki,
"requests me to thank
the Honourable Sir Norman
"for his most considerate letter,
"and is very content to leave the
interests of Tawaki in his good hands.
"Until he advises her
to agree to any nation's requests
"for the right to establish a base
on her island of Mahoola,
"she will maintain a steadfast refusal.
"Tahou Tanahoola,
Secretary to Her Most Excellent Majesty."
The love of the people of Tawaki
is with the only white man
who has written to their queen
without hope of gain.
Would Honourable Sir be gracious
enough to give photo to take to queen?
Such humility for so great a man
to carry so small a photograph!
It will be easy for the queen
to carry with her always.
Oh, yes, yes. She will be happy.
Honourable Sir Norman,
may your days be many.
And may you have many sons,
all like Honourable Sir Norman.
Farewell.
When he said about you having...
If Sir Norman doesn't wipe
that grin off his face,
Sir Norman's woman
will wipe it off for him.
The leader of the Brodnian delegation
is expecting to see you.
Until Honourable Sir Norman say yes,
my queen say nobody come to Mahoola.
- But he is waiting!
- If Honourable Norman say no,
nothing doing.
- Well?
- Nothing doing.
Except through this
Honourable Sir Norman.
It seems that the queen of Tawaki
trusts him implicitly.
It would be better if this Honourable
Sir Norman would be out of the way.
(Ship's whistle)
Hello, Penny.
- Am I late?
- No, I just got here.
- Good. True?
- True.
- What would you like?
- Coffee, please.
- Monsieur?
- Two coffees.
- Black or white?
- Just brown.
- OK.
- Bags of sugar.
Do you have to
chain that case to your wrist?
Well, as a delegate,
you've got to be careful.
Excuse me, have I the honour
to address Mr Norman?
That's right.
I have been requested to hand this
into your own safekeeping.
- What is it?
- A small token of appreciation
from the conference committee.
- Thank you.
- In the meantime, may I suggest -
it is very valuable -
that you put it in a safe place.
Perhaps it would be best
in the despatch case, no?
That's a good idea.
Allow me.
Thank you. Now it's as safe
as the Bank of England.
Excellent. Mademoiselle. Monsieur.
- That was very nice of him, wasn't it?
- I'm not so sure.
(Ticking)
- Hey, Norman! Listen!
- What are you doing?
- It's ticking!
- Yes. Perhaps it's a clock!
It's a bomb!
Where's the key?
I don't know! I had it a minute ago!
That man! He pinched the key!
- Can't you undo the chain?
- That one's in the hotel!
- It's going to explode!
- You go away! Run for it!
- No, or I shall never see you again!
- It's making a funny noise now!
(Shrieking)
It's still ticking! Stay where you are!
- What are you going to do?
- Get the other key!
(Shrieking) Get out, everyone!
It's a bomb!
Get out of the way, everybody!
(Gibbering)
Sir, no! Excuse me, sir.
Please, use the lift.
The manager says you can.
- Hurry up.
- You are going up, sir?
Yeah, any minute now.
Wait for me!
Where's the key?
I'm going to get blown up in a minute!
Oh, got it! I got it!
Argh! Oi! Oi!
I'll see you on the ground floor.
- Not using the lift?
- Not me.
- This is making a funny noise.
- It'll do better than that in a minute.
The lift! Hey! Hey! It's a bomb!
It's a bomb! Look out! Look out!
Stay clear! Bomb! Hey!
Monsieur!
- No!
- Vous avez laiss quelque chose!
I don't want it! It's a bomb!
We'll both get killed!
Oui, oui, oui.
Leave it on the seat
and mind your own business!
Monsieur!
Out of the way! It's a bomb!
lt'll go off in a minute!
Oh, no! Shoo! Shoo!
Shoo! Shoo!
Get out of it! Shoo!
Watch out! Oh, no!
Go away! Go on! Hop it!
Go on! Go!
Get out of it! lt'll go up in a minute!
Go away! Go on, hop it! Go on!
Oh, God!
- Go away!
- I thought you got rid of it!
No! Run! Run!
- What did you do with the bomb?
- Threw it on that waste ground.
- It'll go up in a minute.
- (Ticking)
What's that?
Sounds near, doesn't it?
- Well?
- It didn't work.
What do you mean, it didn't work?
- The bomb worked, but he escaped.
- You...you moron!
You...you fool!
Oh, darling, would you come here
a minute, please?
Yes, right away.
Believe me, Chief, it wasn't easy.
It was an important job
and you bungled it, you useless idiot.
- Well?
- Darling, I have a job for you.
OK.
(Norman laughing)
I'll tell you what. I'll get packed
and then we'll have some dinner.
- In our little caf?
- Yes, in our own little caf.
How lovely, Norman.
That'll be wonderful.
Yes. Then we'll catch a plane
for London together.
- Good.
- So you get packed.
But I have packed.
- Have you stuck your labels on?
- Oh, no!
Stick your labels on,
then I'll meet you at 9:00 as we arranged.
All right. Goodbye.
Bye.
(Mouthing)
Won't you sit down?
I want to apologise to you, little man.
- Yeah?
- I want us to be friends.
Real friends.
That suits me!
Oh, I'm so glad!
Shall I go and get you
a bottle of ginger beer?
I have a better idea, my friend.
You shall have dinner with me.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Alone.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, I've...I've got a date.
I've got to go back to...London.
- There is plenty of time for all that!
- Yeah?
Tell me...
have you ever seen the view
of the lake from the mountainside?
- No.
- Oh, you must.
I will show you everything this evening.
(Gurgles)
My car will call for you, then, at 8:30.
Goodbye.
(Doorbell)
- It's me.
- Well, come in!
- Come on.
- All right, then.
I nearly forgot. I brought you these.
How nice of you!
They're flowers.
Well, put them down and come along in.
(Parrot) Not there, you fool!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Where am I gonna put 'em, then?
Oh...
Norman...
come here.
Come and sit down next to me.
Not there. Here.
Closer.
- Closer.
- More?
There we are.
(Giddy gurgling)
What is the matter? Don't you like me?
- Oh, yeah. Smashing.
- Well, then?
Oh! Ah!
Norman? My cigarettes.
They are in my bedroom.
Would you get them for me?
Straightaway.
(Gunshot)
(Gunshot)
(Pop!)
Please help me, Norman! There you are.
Oh, Norman,
do please come and sit down.
Do you want a cigarette?
- I never use them.
- Nonsense.
Here you are. Puff.
Ah!
Give us a hand.
Hey!
Oh, come here. Give it to me.
And give me that.
- Huh?
- Oh...
Oh, Norman, would you do me
another favour?
Would you get my slippers?
They're beside the mirror.
- Yeah.
- Go on, now.
Hey! Hey!
- You dirty, rotten crooks!
- Go on, you fools!
How did I fall in love with you?
Fancy you mixed up with this lot.
Now, keep away! Help!
Help! I'm being attacked! Hey!
Help! Hello? Help! Fire!
- He's on the end!
- Do something! Use your knife!
- Help! Ah! Hello!
- (Man) 'Hold on, please.'
I am holding on!
- Monsieur, what are you doing?
- I was on the phone and I got cut off.
Would you fasten your seatbelt, madam?
- Good heavens!
- Oh!
Well, I...
Gentlemen,
the Queen of Tawaki says no.
What?
(Translates in Russian)
(Translates into Chinese)
You mean, the decision must be left
to your government?
- No.
- Your queen?
- No.
- For heavens' sake, who is it left to?
Honourable Sir Norman.
He look after queen's wishes.
- Who's Honourable Sir Norman?
- Never heard of him.
Er...allow me.
Don't know him. Would you, er...
- You know this fellow?
- No.
- But you must know him.
- No.
Do you know him?
- Good gracious!
- What?
Norman!
You mean this man is the man
the Queen will listen to?
That is so. Honourable Sir Norman.
Are you telling me that this
little filing clerk has the Queen's ear?
- Yes, Sir Horace. But don't ask me how.
- Dash it, man, I do ask you!
- Are you sure it's the same Norman?
- Undoubtedly, Sir Horace.
Did you instruct him to take any part
in the negotiations?
Indeed I did not, sir.
Get him here! Get him here at once!
- I, er...
- Well, man? Well?
- I have a confession to make.
- Get on with it!
I fired him, sir. I sacked him.
You what?!
Now, where is it?
There.
Now, what are you going to say?
"Please, Sir Horace,
can I have my old job back?
- "Cos..." Oh, I can't!
- Hey.
Jump to it!
Put the international police on the job.
Send out a search party! And get Norman
what's-his-name, whatever the cost.
"Please, Sir Horace,
can I have me old job back?
"Cos Penny won't marry me
unless I do get it back
- "and she's the girl for me."
- Yes.
(Sir Horace, bellowing) Come in!
Good luck.
- Well? What do you want?
- That's him er...he, sir.
- Who?
- Honourable Norman. I mean, Norman.
My boy, how good to see you.
Come along this way, please.
- Here he is. Norman.
- Sir Horace...
My dear fellow. My dear Norman.
I'm delighted to see you. Delighted.
Now, then, Norman.
May I call you Norman?
- The cabinet will be told.
- Told what?
Oh, come now. No mock modesty.
- Mock who?
- Splendid work.
I'm delighted. An excellent move.
So the Queen of Tawaki
relies on you entirely, eh?
You could say we're pen pals.
Pals, eh? Ha, ha.
Yes, yes, of course.
Pals, eh? Well, my dear Norman.
The Ministry is pleased.
Very pleased, indeed.
In fact, we're giving a little party for you.
- A little soire.
- I'd sooner have a party, sir.
Of course.
A little diplomatic get-together, eh?
I think the government will want you
to complete your mission.
- Sir Horace, can I have me job back?
- Why, of course!
- Penny? Can she come to the party?
- His fiance.
- Delighted.
- Oh, good! Hey, Penny!
You can come in now! I've got it!
- Shall we look at some furniture first?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, can I help you?
- In a little while.
- We're just having a look round.
- Very good, sir.
(Music starts)
# I've got a dream for sale
# Will you buy a lovely dream for sale?
# Won't you try?
If you will close your eyes
# Maybe you can visualise
# I'll try to visualise
# A cottage by the shore... #
- Painted white?
- # With roses round the door
# Gay and bright
# A cosy fireside chair
# Big enough for two to share
# I like to think
I've made a good impression
# I love you, darling,
you're my one obsession
# Oh, a chance like this,
I can't afford to miss
# It's a fairy tale
with "vacant possession"
# If you would care to view
# Here's the key of paradise for two
# You and me
# If you will say you'll be mine
# I'll take down the sign
# That says I've got a dream for sale
# If you will say you'll be mine
# I'll take down the sign
# That says I've got a dream for sale #
Do you take me for a raving lunatic?
Sir, the Queen of Tawaki
is under the impression
she conducted her negotiations
with a titled diplomat -
Honourable Sir Norman.
- You mean I...
- I'm afraid so, sir.
You must recommend him
for a knighthood.
Oh, no!
- Well done, Sir Norman!
- Well done!
General, you know this guy Norman?
The one who has the inside track
with the Queen of Tawaki?
- The British have just decorated him.
- Trying to steal a march?
- What do you figure we should do?
- Well...
Anything the British can do, we can do.
Washington. Decorations Board.
(Speaking Chinese)
..present you with
the Brodnian Order of the Blue Dahlia
for courage and service to diplomacy.
You know Mr Jackson?
Jackson. Jackson, Jackson.
- Young man, if you don't behave...
- Name's Norman.
Sir Norman, Jackson.
Very well. To remind you, Sir Norman,
you are due at the television studios
for Town Topics.
We leave on the stroke of ten.
My dear Jackson, such efficiency.
You really are hot stuff. Isn't he?
Norman, I've just thought of something.
When we're married,
I shall be Lady Norman, won't I?
- You're a lady now.
- Thank you.
You know your instructions.
Concentrate on the girl.
If we get her, we've really got Norman.
Only need a fairy on me head
and I'll look like a Christmas tree.
- Good evening.
- They'll take a lot of living up to.
- Why?
- Norman, you haven't earned them yet.
- Then why did they give them to me?
- They all want part of Tawaki.
But I can't do them any favours.
I've got to look after the Queen.
I want to be loyal
but I can't let them mess about...
- Oh, no.
- Exactly.
Honourable Sir Norman's on the spot.
Then they can keep their medals.
I don't want them.
- I'll give them back now.
- No! No!
Ah, there you are. The car to take you
to the television studio is here.
- Hey, I want to talk to you.
- Later, Norman.
- Hello, Mac.
- Hello.
- What are you doing?
- Town Topics.
- Again?
- And you?
- A Greek play.
- Again?
- Mister?
- What?
- Now?
- No, no, not now.
Your jolly good health.
'Good evening. This is another edition
of Television Town Topics,
'in which we present interesting people
who are in the news today.'
All our worries are over!
And here is our first guest,
the distinguished diplomat
who one might justly describe as
"the man of the moment".
If you want to see,
there's a little room up there.
Thank you.
Erm... Well, Sir Norman,
would you tell us what you
intend to do about the Tawaki imbroglio?
- Pardon?
- The Tawaki imbroglio.
Oh, er... Oh, well, erm...
I shall turn it over in me mind.
Splendid.
And another thing what I've made up
me mind I'm going to do is, erm...
I'm going to sort out everything
so everyone gets a fair chance,
- like, all round.
- Splendid.
Sir Norman,
I understand that you are engaged.
Oh, yeah.
My fiance's here.
She's up there having a look.
I wonder if we might ask you her name.
Penny!
'Thank you, Sir Norman.'
(Screaming) Help!
Now the mixture's perfectly blended
and the souffl's ready for the oven.
Marvellous.
Now, the oven is at 450 degrees.
- Help me, please! Help!
- My souffl!
- Penny!
- Oh, no!
- Hey!
- Get out of my kitchen!
- Get out of my kitchen!
- Penny! Penny!
Help!
(# French accordion music)
Help! I'm being kidnapped by Brodnians!
(Drum flourish)
- Oh!
- (Laughter)
Hey! Hey!
(Screams) Help! Stop!
- Dad, where's Pat?
- She'll be back soon.
- What's her new boyfriend like?
- Very nice. Reliable type. Unlike you.
No good will come of it. Mark my words.
(Screaming) Help! Help! Help!
- Pat's got one of her headaches again.
- (Screaming)
I want me elevenses.
Help! I'm being kidnapped
by two Brodnians!
- Very nice too, my dear.
- Who is that wretched girl?
(Penny) Help me, please!
Grab this, Penny! Come on! Grab hold!
Yes! Hold on!
Get the police, Penny! Quick!
Next comes Yvonne,
in a coral chiffon evening dress
for dinner and dancing.
It's Percy. In an evening dress...
I mean, a suit,
with a white tie...
and, er, he has trousers...
of course...and tails...
with a white tie
and a waistcoat to match...
Trousers and tails.
And you'll notice that...
All right, Charlie. All right, Joe.
You've had it. Back up.
I think we'll send you to the country
for a long holiday.
Sir, these two ruffians
won't bother you again.
I'm Inspector Fabian of Scotland Yard.
Thank goodness! I've had
a terrible time. We've been running...
- Go away! Get out!
- What are you talking about?
- There they are, Inspector. Arrest them!
- Go away.
It's my duty to arrest you. Anything
you say will be taken down and...
Ain't you going to arrest them?
It's perfectly blended
and the souffl's ready for the oven.
I'll check that the oven's
at the right temperature.
This oven should be at 450 degrees...
Stay out! Stay out!
Cop this lot!
If you try to get hold of me Penny
you'll get more than you bargained for!
No, no, no! Not my souffl!
Clean yourself up
and make the next one.
(# Gentle classical)
That's better.
'The city of Troy is besieged.
The Greeks are at our very gates.'
- 'Brave Hector will save us.'
- (All) Brave Hector will save us.
- (Man on stage) Where is Brave Hector?
- (All) Where is Brave Hector?
Don't be daft!
(Man on stage) Where is Brave Hector?
Don't mess about!
- Oh!
- (All) Enter Grecians.
The Greeks bring us a gift
of a strange wooden horse.
- Brave Hector will save us!
- (All) Brave Hector will save us!
(All shouting)
Catch!
Thank you.
From madam.
Temper.
- Now?
- All right. I'm coming!
Do something!
What? I couldn't care less.
No! No! No!
What do you think you're doing? Get out!
(Whistle)
Look! I'm the producer of this play.
Get out of here at once!
That'll show you, trying to kidnap Penny.
Now you're for the high jump!
My souffl!
Eugh.
You have a duty to perform
for your country.
So make it sound convincing.
I don't want to let the Queen down.
I promised Penny.
- Yes, he did.
- Stop this nonsense.
Welcome to our domain.
I owe you a debt of considerable
gratitude, Honourable Sir Norman.
It's nothing.
I'd like to have a little chat...
Your Majesty, we are here today at the
special instigation of our government
to discuss with you the possibility
and desirability
to grant concessions on Mahoola
solely to our government.
Oh, Jackson, pack it up.
Whereon, if it is agreeable to you,
it is the purpose of my government,
when those rights are assigned,
that we will use the island as a base
for experiments.
If it is agreeable to Your Majesty,
it is further understood that for the
experiments to be conducted properly,
certain precautions will be necessary
to safeguard secrecy.
We will be allowed to patrol
in territorial waters
here before called the Tawakian Sea.
With this in...view, we...
It's gone! It's gone! It's gone!