You promise to watch the game
and not be bored...
...and I'll go to the opera next week.
I already bought earplugs.
With your eyesight
I'm surprised you can see the puck.
Yay. All right!
I can't wait to get into bed.
- There's a Bob Hope movie on television.
- I know.
Do you believe this guy? Killed 12
victims. Dismembered and ate them.
- Really? It's an alternative lifestyle.
- Yeah. I'll say.
- Hold the elevator!
- We're coming.
- Hold the elevator.
- That's all right.
- I see you at the gym sometimes.
- You do?
- We live down the hall.
- I go whenever I have the discipline.
- It's important to put that time in.
- I agree.
Exercising changed my life. Just...
I prefer to atrophy.
I don't like exercise.
- We bought a treadmill last week.
- We had one.
We got rid of it because
it was taking up space.
You have to get on it once in a while.
It's confusing with all those
computerized programs.
- I'm just never going to get that.
- I know.
- Wonderful meeting...
- Well, yeah.
- You never meet your neighbours.
- Isn't it funny?
- Good night.
- Good night.
Such a lovely couple.
- Oh, say... Hello?
- Yeah?
Why don't you come in and have
a drink? We'd love that.
- That'd be fine.
- She makes great Irish coffee.
- Please.
- There's a movie I want to watch.
- Give me a treadmill lesson.
- About the tread...
Listen, if I can figure it out,
then believe me, anybody can.
- I don't know what I'm doing.
- It's easy.
- Let's look. I'm at level five.
- You're that advanced?
I work out a lot.
Look at these diagrams.
That's amazing.
- I can't understand this.
- Let me see.
Yeah, well. See this?
Now, let me show you
a mint 1933 airmail.
Very rare and very beautiful.
Look at that.
This is unique because
it has a flaw in the engraving.
- See if you can see it.
- It's hard for me.
- I'll give you a hint. In the corner.
- That tiny thing?
Yeah. That makes it quite valuable.
I got a commemorative set of issues
that are valuable. Look at the colour.
- These are gonna become...
- We're keeping you up.
- No, this is wonderful.
- I should go.
- What do you do?
- Book publishing. I work at Harper's.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I own an old cinema. Having it redone.
Used to have three.
Business is not what it used to be.
Look at these presidentials.
Even the perforations are intact.
- Where's Carol? I should be going.
- Really?
- Yeah. I mean...
- Coffee's ready.
- I forgot coffee.
- We can get back to this later. Come on.
We never had any children
but it's easy to empathize.
- What college does your son attend?
- Brown.
Nice colour.
Paul never attended college.
He's self-made.
Knowledge is the second most
important thing.
First is health. Then knowledge.
Then money.
- It's amazing how time...
- Do you work?
- Do I?
- Yes.
Well, actually I used to work at an ad
agency, but that was many years ago.
But I've been thinking
of starting a restaurant.
- Really?
- But Larry is trying to talk me out of it.
She's a great cook. Her fennel
omelette in hollandaise sauce...
...will make you snap
into a foetal position and lay in bed.
He loves to tease me.
Actually, he really loves exotic food.
My weakness is dessert.
Cream, butter, anything with fat.
I'll fix a dessert that'll make your eyes
roll. You'll have to exercise for a month.
We're going to Le Cirque
for our anniversary.
- 28 years in November.
- Really?
- What do I buy a woman with everything?
- We already have twin cemetery plots.
I always think a Bentley
is in good taste.
On our 20th, I got her
some lovely handkerchiefs.
- They had my initials on them.
- Very high-class.
I didn't even know her size.
Couldn't you keep
the conversation going longer?
- I was signalling you.
- I was trying to be neighbourly.
Neighbourly? If this guy showed me
his stamps one more time...
My favourite thing is to look
at cancelled postage.
Come on. It was sweet. They're
looking forward to their anniversary.
I'm looking forward to that Bob Hope
movie. I don't know why it's on so late.
- Do you think that will happen to us?
- What?
That we'll become like them. Just another
dull, aging couple with our walks...
We are a dull, aging...
...our TV, our lox and bagels
and our twin cemetery plots?
We should be as lucky.
To be in their shape at their age.
Did you see the dumbbells
this guy lifts?
If I lifted them I'd get a hernia
the size of the San Andreas Fault.
- How often do you think they make love?
- More than we do, in their shape.
I'm sure as much as once a week.
- Larry?
- God, I'm exhausted. What?
Do you still find me attractive?
What kind of question is that?
Of course I do.
Are we turning into a pair
of comfortable old shoes?
Never comfortable.
Don't you worry about that.
- How you doing?
- Fine.
- We're gonna get this one.
- That's nice.
Are we seeing you
at Elaine's Thursday?
No. Thursday's our Wagner opera.
- Ted's coming to Elaine's.
- How is Ted?
- I think he's glad he's divorced.
- He's not. Come on.
He's not doing well at all.
He's not used to it.
He looks like he's glad.
- You gonna browse?
- We're going to a movie.
- We're seeing Double Indemnity.
- Come.
- What do you think?
- It starts in a while.
I'd have the police after her so fast,
it'd mak e her head spin.
They'd put her through the wringer.
The things they would squeeze out.
They haven't got a thing to go on.
Not too much.
Just 26 years experience and this
hunk of concrete in my stomach.
- That movie was great, wasn't it?
- It's one of my favourites.
- They were wonderful.
- Who could we fix Ted up with?
- There must be somebody in your office.
- Ted?
- I thought Ted had a crush on you.
- Me?
- Why are you so stunned?
- I adore him, but he's like a girlfriend.
- Now he's divorced, you know?
- Do I detect a note of jealousy?
- I had to come and call 911.
- What's the trouble?
- Is that the EMS?
- What's going on?
- She had a heart attack.
- Oh, my God.
- She's dead.
- She's dead?
- Dead.
- They're giving Mr. House a sedative.
She was the picture of health.
- I called EMS, but it was too late.
- We just met her last night.
- Awful, just awful.
- What happened?
It was a classic coronary.
She went like that.
- Boy.
- Can we do anything?
You can be good neighbours.
We've calmed him down.
The first time we saw them was
last night. We just met them.
- They invited us in for coffee.
- Such a nice lady.
Sweet person.
- God, okay.
- You look wonderful.
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
- Hi, Mr. House. So sorry.
- Thank you for those flowers.
- It was nice.
- Sure.
- Lf there's anything we can do...
- Anything.
It's just such a shock.
It was just so sudden.
- She seemed so healthy.
- She had a heart condition.
She did? She never mentioned it.
- Well, she wouldn't have.
- No. Right. Well...
- If there's anything we can do.
- Anything.
If you're lonely, come by. Whatever.
- You owe me a French dessert.
- I haven't forgotten. Believe me.
- Have a nice time. You're gussied up.
- We're going to the opera.
- Enjoy.
- My favourite.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Come, we're gonna be late.
The deal was, I sit through the game
and you watch the opera.
I can't listen to that much Wagner.
I start to get the urge to conquer Poland.
I think it's weird. One night she's
having coffee, and the next she's dead?
I know. And she did not look like
she was ready to go.
Maybe he killed her.
Like he's got a young tootsie.
You gotta see this guy.
This guy gets his jollies from
licking stamps. He's a boring...
I can see that. Depending
on who is on the stamp.
She never mentioned
she had a heart condition.
Well, what is she gonna say?
"Hello, I have a bad heart. "
She told me about her hysterectomy.
It's easier to talk about a
hysterectomy than a heart condition.
She liked desserts.
Is that what you said?
So she had one too many.
No! She wasn't on a diet.
We discussed diets.
- She wasn't on a diet.
- This is a great way to kill somebody.
- How?
- You clog their arteries...
...with whipped cream, chocolate mousse,
butter. They go like that.
- That's great.
- Disgusting, but...
I love it.
- Wouldn't that be great?
- I'd like to pastry myself to death.
- I'll help you.
- I would.
I'd like another
piece of pie, after this.
Are you gonna start a restaurant?
Are you serious?
- You're a great cook.
- Count me in. I want to be part of it.
- Really.
- Really?
- You should.
- No. I don't know. Are you serious?
- It'd be wonderful.
- What are you encouraging her for?
- She's a great cook.
- Thanks to you.
It was his idea.
The cooking lessons, I mean.
A restaurant is serious business
you can't take lightly.
- You can't be cavalier about it.
- I'm not being cavalier.
Do you know how time-consuming it is?
- Wait. Look.
- They steal from you if...
- It's what I do.
- She'll cook. She's great. She's a pro.
She'll be cooking. I'll be running
the joint like Rick in Casablanca.
- Might as well get paid for it.
- I'm serious.
- It's serious.
- I'll be the first customer.
I was thinking of fixing
Ted up with Helen Dubin.
Then I figured they would get into
an argument over penis envy.
- The poor guy suffers from it so.
- Did he seem a little too cheerful?
He seemed like
his regular self to me...
...but when you brought up
the restaurant, the guy lit up.
The restaurant?
He sees himself as
Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.
I see him as Peter Lorre,
wringing his hands.
I mean, Mr. House. Didn't he seem
a little too cheerful to you?
- Our next-door widower?
- Yes.
I mean, didn't he seem too composed
for a man whose wife just died?
What do you want him to do?
Walk down the street sobbing?
All I know is they were supposedly
looking forward to their anniversary...
If I dropped dead, wouldn't
you sob for months or years...
Don't make those jokes.
I don't like them.
I'm the guy who needs
a physical checkup.
I don't know. To me he seemed
a little too perky. You know?
Suddenly, he wants his desserts and,
"Have a nice time at the opera. "
And, "We're certainly dressed up. "
This guy should be a wreck.
Right. Meanwhile, I can't get The Flying
Dutchman theme out of my mind.
Remind me tomorrow to buy all the Wagner
records in town and rent a chain saw.
Helen Dubin's wrong for Ted.
- She's mousy.
- He's a little mousy.
They can have rodent time
and eat cheese together.
Oh, Christ.
Hello?
Yes. Yes, yes, of course, you woke us.
Not everybody is up at 1:00 in the
morning watching porn. I'll put her on.
- Who is it?
- Ted. For you.
Ted, hi.
I figured out how he made it
look like a coronary.
He gagged her and tied her
to the treadmill...
...and turned it up to Olympic levels.
No, no. You know, I mean,
I just think this guy is too perky.
You know? I mean, he's not acting like
a man whose beloved of 28 years died...
Are you onto that?
I thought you were joking.
- I know.
- Let me speak to him.
What? Here.
Just a sec. Here's Larry.
Listen, she was not murdered.
It was a coronary, there was
a doctor there. He was an old man.
- Do you know he's a real doctor?
- I'm not gonna touch that.
I want to go to sleep.
Wait a minute.
Put Carol back on.
I called about something else.
Listen, I know a great location
for a restaurant.
Look at this.
Isn't this great?
- It's dark.
- Aren't these walls great?
- Like you go through a cave.
- I see.
- Then you come out to this.
- Look at this.
- It's beautiful.
- Isn't it great?
- It's out of the way for a restaurant.
- No. That's the appeal.
It's so romantic,
tucked away back here like this.
You don't want street trade.
You want a spot people hear about
and lovers go to.
- It takes months to get a reservation.
- You thought this out.
I came here with Julie
when we were married.
Used to walk around here.
- Really beautiful at night.
- I bet.
I'd think, "Why are we here?
We don't love each other. "
It made the moment doubly poignant.
Hi. How are you?
These are my "floating islands. "
I hope you like meringue.
- I love it. Come on in.
- Well, okay.
- Unbelievable.
- I know...
- Did you do this?
- I did.
I told you.
Anyway, this is vanilla sauce.
Come on in.
- I put chocolate truffles...
- Share it.
- She made these for you.
- It's too much.
- I'll make coffee.
- I'll make it.
- Let me make it.
- You've done so much.
I insist. Sit down. Relax.
Enjoy yourself.
- Aren't you nice.
- You've been through enough.
- How're you holding up?
- I don't know.
I was thinking after a while, I'd get
away. This place and its memories.
- You have someone to go with, or...?
- A brother in Florida.
I'm hoping he can get away.
Do you like snorkelling?
No. I get nervous when
brightly coloured fish stare at me.
- I've got stamps to show you.
- Stamps? Well.
Look at these.
Okay.
Coffee. Is that here?
- This is delicious. You are an artist.
- Well, thanks very much.
- Was it a large funeral?
- Oh, no.
- We had few friends. No family.
- Right. Just a simple affair.
- They're the best, aren't they?
- Yeah.
I guess. Anyway,
then you're laid to rest and...
You know, I was just...
Where are the twin cemetery plots?
We were thinking that that was just
such a romantic idea. Weren't we?
Remember when we talked about the twin
cemetery plots and how romantic that is?
- Remember?
- Yes. Yes. We were.
Spending eternity with the beloved.
- I sound like one of those guys.
- Yes.
Yeah, but I was just wondering,
where is the cemetery?
It's in Nyack.
We used to summer
there occasionally.
What was that
about twin cemetery plots?
I knew you were trying to tell me
something, so I picked up on it quickly.
I was in the kitchen making the coffee.
There were no beans,
so I was looking in his cupboards.
And I came across this urn, okay? And
I opened it and there were ashes in it.
- Ashes? Did you wash your hands?
- He had her cremated!
How did you know it was her?
Did they resemble Mrs. House?
- Who else would it be?
- Anybody.
Could be a relative.
His accountant. His cat.
- Right. Hidden? Hidden away?
- What do you mean?
- The guy didn't do anything.
- All I know is, he lied. Okay? He lied.
Maybe he's embarrassed.
Maybe he didn't want to spend
eternity next to the beloved.
So he told us that.
You know, what's the difference?
- Who are you calling?
- Ted.
Jesus. Leave the guy alone.
He's a poor widower. He wants
to go on a vacation or something.
Yeah? Where? I know where.
Snorkelling, right?
So what? He has fun sitting
at the bottom of the water with squid.
I know. I know. What about this?
- What if they had a big insurance policy?
- Too much Double Indemnity.
Hi. Yeah. Hi, it's me.
We were just in our neighbour's
apartment, right?
Get this. I came across
an urn with ashes in it.
Only, he says he had his wife buried.
That's what you do
if you don't want an autopsy.
You don't want something discovered.
Like poison.
Right. They'd have detected poison,
wouldn't they?
I don't know.
There are a lot of exotic poisons.
But why would he lie?
Why would he lie at all?
You guys are slipping
into a mad obsession.
Would you do that?
I'm not good at that kind of thing.
All right. Okay. Well, I'll talk
to you later. Okay, bye.
- Could we go to bed now?
- I'm not tired.
- What do you mean?
- Ted's gonna call the funeral home.
I don't know why
you're not fascinated with this.
- We could be living next to a murderer.
- New York's a melting pot. Get used to it.
Oh, my God.
- Hey, are you okay?
- Larry. Larry, I heard a noise.
I heard a noise in the hall. I think
Mr. House was getting on the elevator.
- You sure?
- I'm almost certain it was him.
So what? It's not a crime.
He can get on the elevator.
- Who would at 1:30 a. m.?
- I was in a deep sleep.
What's the difference?
You know how we complain
about the geriatric floor? That joke?
So it was him. He got on the elevator.
It's not a felony. He's entitled.
Can you go back to bed?
This is crazy.
- I gotta get up early tomorrow.
- I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna ring his apartment,
see if he's home.
- Now?
- Yes, because this is...
- What?
- It's very sus...
- What are you doing? Don't ring...
- Don't!
Don't ring Mr. House. He's a widower.
Leave him alone. You're crazy. Stop!
- So you saw him. It's not a crime.
- He's not there.
- Give me this.
- What are you doing?
If you want to find out who left,
call downstairs.
- I'll call. Keep ringing.
- I'm gonna keep ringing.
What's gotten into you?
Where is this guy at 1:30 a. m.?
It's not your business.
He can go any place he wants.
Hello? Yes, hello.
This is Mrs. Lipton. Yes.
Did anybody just leave the building?
I'm just...
You're sure? You're sure no one...?
No, okay. All right. Yes. Thank you.
- Are you happy? Can we go to bed?
- I don't get it.
You're making a mystery
where nothing exists.
Okay, I got it. Wait. I know it.
No, wait. Listen to me. Larry, listen.
- He got on the elevator. Wait. Listen!
- I'm gonna go to sleep.
I don't want to stand here.
He got on the elevator
and took it to the basement.
- Great. So what? Now what've you got?
- He has a car and the garage key.
- He opened...
- So what? So what?
What do you mean, "So what?"
He went out in the night
and took his car someplace.
- All right. So I'm right, though.
- So you're right. So big deal.
This "right" is gonna put us
in the toilet.
- It says more about you than him.
- What about your rigidity?
- How about that point?
- Get into bed. What's wrong with you?
Hi.
Jack? Could you come upstairs today?
I got a leak in the kitchen.
- Well, yeah. Sure.
- Well, but it will be this afternoon?
- I'll be back in a minute.
- A minute.
- Wait a second. I'll be right back.
- Yeah, okay. All right.
Oh, God.
- Hello?
- Ted, I'm in his apartment.
The urn is missing. It's gone.
Yeah, I think it might have been.
He had this satchel last night.
That might have been what he had in it.
I'd get out of there if I were you.
No, no, no. Go.
We'll talk more from your apartment.
He's not going snorkelling
with his brother.
He's got two tickets to Paris and
reservations at the Georges V Hotel...
...with a woman named Helen Moss.
- Hi. How are you?
- How are you?
Good. You got the notice
on the maintenance increase?
When did that happen?
I'm gonna see what else I can dig up.
Yeah. I'm telling you, this is just...
I'm just dizzy with freedom.
This is the craziest thing
I've ever done.
Yes, it's crazy. But soon we'll be too
old to do anything crazy. Go. Leave.
Hello.
Oh, hi. Yeah.
I know, I...
Yes, I miss you too.
I did. I made all the arrangements.
Yeah, look, I...
Okay, I have to run.
But I'll see you later, okay?
Okay.
Extension five.
Keep ringing, would you please?
Because I just talked to her.
What?
Okay.
Would you tell her...?
Yes, tell her that Tom called.
Tom.
Thank you.
Your rewrites were great.
You helped your book. It's dense, but...
- I don't want it to be transparent...
- You'll never have to worry about that.
This book makes Finnegan's Wak e look
like airplane reading. But it's long...
You're the only editor I take suggestions
from, but you shouldn't push it.
I'm not pushing. The book
is absolutely great. You know, but...
How much of Dorothy is you?
As I read, I kept thinking,
how much did you base on your life?
Well, I was a waitress. I lived
with a poet. I was a film critic.
But not a blackjack dealer?
No, but I put myself through
school playing poker.
- Do you still play?
- No, but I still know how.
Yes? Are you good?
Maybe you could give me pointers.
I could turn your game around
in two hours.
Could you? That's great.
That's, you know...
You have all these skills and you're
beautiful and you can write well...
...and you play poker.
It's too good to be true.
- I wouldn't say beautiful.
- I would.
But I do have tremendous sex appeal.
Okay. You sold me.
Are you seeing anybody?
No. Don't let my confidence fool you.
It's a faade. Why do you ask?
I have a friend who became single recently,
and he would get a kick out of you.
So when do you want
your poker lessons?
Next week. I could take you to lunch.
We could...
I'll put you on my expense account and
you could teach me when to bet or fold.
- How about a cheeseburger right now?
- Now? That's a possibility.
You know, we could...
Hello?
Yes.
Where are you?
Is everything okay?
Really?
No, I could. Sure. I could.
Yeah. I need, you know,
five minutes or so. Okay.
Yes, I know where it is.
Okay, hold on.
I can't do it. My wife...
I have a thing I have to do.
I'll do the cheeseburger
with you next week.
Story of my life.
You snuck into his apartment?
Are you nuts?
- Stop being a fuddy-dud.
- A fuddy-dud?
What are you talking about?
That's a crime.
That's breaking and entering.
What has gotten into you?
Save a little craziness for menopause.
I took the key and I let myself in.
Hey, look...
You'll wind up rooming with John Gotti.
You can't just steal a key
and go into somebody's apartment.
He's not going snorkelling
with his brother.
I don't want to be an accessory.
He's going to Paris with a woman
named Helen Moss.
- Tell Ted. I don't want to know.
- I did.
- You told Ted before me?
- Yeah, he's more open-minded.
I know. I'm a bore. I don't break
the law. I live within the Constitution.
- Plus, he got rid of the urn.
- I don't want to hear.
- He talked on the phone with a woman.
- How do you know?
- He came back while I was there.
- He did?
- I hid under the bed.
- Under his bed?
He didn't see me, Larry.
He didn't see me at all.
I cannot believe this.
My stomach is curdling.
He was very lovey-dovey
with this kind of bimbo.
He kept saying stuff like, " Don't worry.
It'll be all right. We'll be together. "
- What if he found you?
- I couldn't think that far ahead.
That far ahead?
You're talking two seconds.
Yeah, but Larry, listen to this.
He called this woman back.
Probably this Helen Moss.
I don't want to know.
And when he calls her back,
she's not there.
Then he leaves this message and says:
"Tell her Tom called. "
You know what I'm saying? Tom!
I get it. His name is Paul. But I
don't care. I don't want to hear.
I thought I did a great job,
and so did Ted.
A private eye
couldn't have done better.
I put everything back where I found it.
I was careful. I made one mistake.
- What?
- I left my reading glasses on his table.
I thought I'd bring chocolate mousse.
I know you enjoyed the last dessert.
I thought I'd give you another
something delicious.
Do you want me to serve that?
You should while it's fresh.
- We can all have some.
- That'd be great.
- I'll get plates.
- Good.
- That's great.
- Over here. I put them here somewhere.
How are you doing in there?
You need any help?
- No, I'm fine. I'll be right in.
- Okay, great.
No. You're going to ruin everything.
What are you doing?
- Are you okay? Can we do anything?
- Coffee or tea?
- I'd like some tea.
- You know, I found your glasses.
- Mine?
- Are these yours?
- Yes! No, no, no.
- Those aren't yours. These are the same.
- These ones are.
- They are mine.
- What a coincidence.
- I think the other night I left them.
- I didn't notice.
- It was the strangest thing.
You thought I left them
at your mother's house.
- Of course.
- That mousse looks fabulous.
- I love mousse.
- Thank you.
- Are you looking forward to snorkelling?
- Very much.
It's funny. I found
those glasses under my bed.
I must have dropped them
and they got kicked under.
- They were...
- She drops things and kicks them around.
- Mousse?
- I'd love some.
Remember when you kicked
mousse under the bed?
- I remember.
- Took six months to get...
- Sorry I'm late. The traffic's murder.
- I know. Where are we going?
I looked up Helen Moss in
the phone book. It was "H. Moss. "
It's Bank Street.
We're going to do surveillance.
I got a whole lot of food. It's great.
- There's her house.
- Right. So we just sit and wait? Okay.
Maybe he thought if he divorced her,
she'd hit him for alimony.
- Maybe she controls the family fortune.
- Yeah. Maybe we're wrong, Ted.
Maybe she died of natural causes
like the doctor said and we have...
...hyperactive imaginations
whose lives need adrenaline.
- Does yours? Mine needs something.
- What's that?
Jelly doughnuts.
You want a jelly doughnut?
- Come on. You gotta get into it.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God. Look. Look!
- What? What?
- Helen! Helen! Duck, duck!
- Ted! Oh, God.
Helen!
- It's not her.
- It's not her?
No, it's not her.
- What?
- Oh, God.
You really have
this worked out, don't you?
I figured she'd come out
and go to work.
Maybe she doesn't work. Maybe she's
like you and she has writer's hours.
I'm writing a play about something
that happened to us.
God. Oh, dear. What?
Remember when you and I and Larry and
Julie were on that eating tour of France?
Oh, God. Yeah. Yeah.
And they wandered off
and forgot to pick us up?
We shared that
bed-and-breakfast place.
Remember those wonderful cottages?
And I remember that we shared
a bedroom together, right?
- Not a bed.
- No, not a...
Well, God, you were too
gentlemanly to suggest that.
- It's not that I didn't think of it.
- No.
I knew what was going on
because of the way...
...you kept plying me
with Chteau Margaux.
It could have been our little secret.
Then you passed out.
Yeah, God. It seems like
a long time ago, doesn't it?
Not that long ago.
Look. Look, look, look.
What?
- Helen! Duck.
- God, yeah. Right.
- She didn't see us.
- No?
- That's gotta be her. She answers to Helen.
- She answers to Helen. She's pretty.
- Yeah.
- She's...
- What is she doing?
- She's getting a cab. Keep down.
- Okay, don't worry.
- I'm gonna follow her.
Watch your step.
It's very steep. Be careful.
- This is beautiful.
- Isn't it?
We show revivals.
This week we have Fred Astaire.
Next we have an Orson Welles festival.
I think that will be about the last
thing we do before renovating.
- Paul.
- Come on, there's nobody around.
Okay.
- I've never been behind a movie screen.
- Strange, isn't it?
It used to be a first-run house
when the neighbourhood was better.
- All these mirrors.
- It used to be all mirrors. Beautiful.
I'm having this broken glass
replaced as we go along.
They used to have stage shows here.
Now we only show old movies.
- It has such a lonely feeling.
- I'm the only one here. And Mrs. Dalton.
I'll have it fixed up.
Then I'll sell it.
- The money is gonna come in handy.
- It sure will.
- What's that noise?
- Where?
Mrs. Dalton, I didn't know
you were here.
I didn't know anyone
was here. I'm sorry.
- I heard a noise, but I apologize.
- It's quite all right.
I'd love to really get an acting job.
- I've had it with modelling.
- Maybe you won't have to work at all.
Oh, my God.
- What's the matter?
- Come with me, okay?
- Jeez.
- Come on.
I was asleep,
dreaming of round card girls.
Okay. It looks like he's gone.
Yeah. Yeah, he's gone.
- Not that again.
- I want another look at his apartment.
What are you talking about?
Where are you going?
- He'll never be back, Larry.
- What?
- No, he's not coming back.
- You got his key?
- Yeah.
- You're kidding. You can't...
You followed him to the movie house.
You said nothing happened.
No, he was with this young model type,
and they were talking about money.
- Well, so what?
- That's the motive.
- Listen.
- What are you talking about?
- Wait.
- What do you mean?
You gotta go to your shrink.
I want you to see Dr. Ballard.
Larry, I went for two years.
You know how General Motors
will recall cars?
- You gotta go in.
- We'll be out in five minutes. Five.
I'm your husband.
I command you to sleep. Sleep.
I command it. Sleep!
If this had been a few years ago,
you would do the same thing.
Because if you recall, we solved
a mystery. We solved a mystery once.
It was the " noises
in the attic" mystery.
The country house. The bluebird.
That was a sweet mystery.
This is murder.
- You agree, right? It's murder, Larry.
- I forbid you! I forbid you to go!
Is that what you do when I forbid you?
I'm not going to be
forbidding you a lot if you do...
- Damn it.
- Don't do this.
We should be asleep,
in our cuddling position.
Please be quiet.
You're gonna wake up the neighbours.
- I got it.
- This is no good.
This could only lead
to great unhappiness.
- Relax, okay?
- I can't relax. How can I relax?
I'm in a strange man's apartment
in my T-shirt and pyjamas.
- Ted told me to try something here.
- Ted? What is he, your mentor?
- Ted is a sick schmuck.
- Just be quiet, all right?
- What if he comes back? My heart is...
- Larry.
- Waldron?
- Who?
- Who is this? Who do you want?
- Who's this?
- Do you know anybody named Waldron?
- Hang the phone up.
- Great. Now they hung up on us.
- Good, good.
Let me think.
Waldron, right? Helen Moss.
He used the name Tom.
Tom Waldron.
- We gotta run a check on that.
- You want to beat it to the morgue?
You got all the jargon.
Where are you going?
I'm not a night person.
I don't want to be...
I don't know what I'm looking for.
- Wait. Look.
- Are you gonna go through the guy's mail?
This is insane.
- What do you mean?
- Jesus! Oh, Christ!
- Clean it up. Hurry up.
- What am I gonna do? Vacuum?
- Put it under the rug.
- It's a wall-to-wall carpet.
- I broke his porcelain...
- Well, then, glue it.
- What do you mean, glue it?
- Look.
- What?
- Look.
So what. Gloves.
I have gloves.
Do you keep yours out
in this kind of weather?
- Let's get out.
- Something's strange here.
He left these out.
The whole thing is sinister.
It's eye of the beholder.
You have to get happy glasses.
I'm gonna take the pieces.
We'll get rid of them.
- How did you like your birthday cake?
- I loved it.
- But I love chocolate anything.
- I know.
- What are you laughing about?
- Lf only he could stay in town.
They're working us so hard at school.
I gotta get back.
I'm gonna take him
to Brooks Brothers for his present.
She's going to a winetasting.
Can you believe that?
If I'm gonna be a restaurant owner,
I should know about wines.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I want you to meet somebody.
- What?
- Hi, Larry.
- Hi. How are you?
- Good. How are you doing?
- This is my wife.
- Carol. Remember me?
- This is Marcia Fox.
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
It's his birthday,
so we took him to 21.
Your friend called me.
He's taking me to dinner in New Jersey.
- I fixed her up with Ted.
- You did?
- That place we ate at.
- Lovely.
- You'll have a good time.
- Great.
- Well, good to see you.
- Take care. Goodbye.
- She'll have a great time.
- So that's Marcia Fox, huh?
- What are you making a face for?
- You think she's Ted's type?
She's anybody's type.
She's brilliant, talented.
- You know, your pupils are dilating.
- She's dangerously sexual.
When you go to the winetasting,
getting back to real life, spit it out.
- Don't drink too much.
- What do you mean?
I don't want you on the bathroom floor
with your head by the bowl tonight.
- That Mouton '45.
- Did you love it?
- That was like, sublime, you know?
- Yeah.
The inexpensive Spanish one.
Wasn't that a surprise?
Wasn't that great?
Look at these paintings.
- So...
- I love the blue in that.
- Larry fixed you up with Marcia Fox?
- Yeah, well, you know.
He says she's wonderful. And I'm...
I'm trying to meet people.
I'm not looking forward to this.
- So you're taking her to Vincent's?
- Yeah. I guess.
- She's not my first choice.
- No?
God, look at this.
That park is so beautiful.
- I can't have my first choice.
- No?
- I'm drunk. I don't know what I'm saying.
- So am I. I don't know about this.
- I'm gonna be late for my shrink.
- You've gotta go?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
You know, you would be
my first choice.
- Me, huh?
- Yeah.
Well.
Oh, boy.
Can I give you a lift?
I'm gonna go east.
No, I think I'll stick around.
I feel a little tipsy.
- I didn't offend you by what I said?
- No.
You didn't offend me. No, I was
very flattered by this, Ted. Flattered.
- Well, anyway...
- See you later.
- See you. Careful.
- Sorry. Excuse me.
I got a great sweater
at Brooks Brothers for Nick.
It's cashmere. Very expensive.
The kid looked so handsome in it.
I decided I'd cook tonight.
Tuna casserole.
- Well, no wonder he had her cremated.
- What?
Mrs. House.
You're not on about
Mrs. House again?
I thought we'd have a light dinner...
- Larry. I just saw Mrs. House.
- What are you talking about? The ashes?
A bus passed me and she was on it.
The dead woman passed you on a bus?
The bus to heaven?
I'm not joking. I'm telling you,
I really saw her. I actually saw her.
You wanna lie down for a while?
Cold compress or hot compress...
I was at the winetasting, right?
And I was sitting at a bay window.
I happened to look out. A bus passed,
and she was on it, Larry...
Yes, remember I said to you,
spit it out?
You said you were going
to taste wine all afternoon?
You swallowed it.
That's why you're this way.
Yeah, I had a few drinks, but...
I saw her.
Yeah, I'm sure you saw her. How could
you? She's dead. And cremated.
Are you telling me that
I didn't see her? Is that it?
I think it's a fair assumption that if
a person is dead, they don't turn up.
I just don't know
what's happening, Larry.
What's going on? Let me put it this way.
Total psychotic breakdown. Okay?
Maybe she's a twin.
Now, forget this.
Tell me if I put in too much fudge
in my casserole.
You're getting so close-minded
these days. I just... Oh, God.
- Hello? Ted.
- Ted.
You're not going to believe this,
but I saw Mrs. House.
Yeah, Mrs. House.
The murdered woman. Right.
She wasn't murdered. It was a coronary.
I don't know what she's talking about.
No, I'm sure I saw her.
She was on a bus.
I saw her just moments after you left.
Right. He was at the winetasting too.
Sure, why not.
Would you? Great. Run a check
on Paul and Lillian House...
Don't run a check. Can you call back?
My marriage is falling apart.
If you're gonna have an affair,
you don't need a murder to do it.
I'm telling you, I saw Mrs. House.
Yes, I know. On the dead persons' bus.
Now, sit down.
I can show you the exact spot, Larry.
- What about lunch? Tomorrow?
- No, I've got a business lunch.
This is just such a shock.
- I'm vibrating from this.
- We got tickets to the theatre.
What? I'm not going to the theatre.
We've been holding onto these tickets
for months.
Do you comprehend the enormity
of what I'm telling you?
- Tell the police, not me.
- What am I going to say to them?
- Tell them your story.
- I don't have a story.
- I got nothing.
- That's right, you've got nothing.
- Unless I locate her, huh?
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay?
- Sit down. We're going to the theatre.
Jack, you were there when Mrs. House
died, right? You saw her?
- You saw her?
- She was lying on the floor.
- You're sure it was her, right?
- I'm sure.
- He's sure.
- Right. Right.
My wife's had bad dreams and
doesn't know what she's talking about.
This is for the times I call you to fix
the faucet and you show up months late.
The super is a drunk.
But we've seen him smelling
of Jack Daniel's. Remember?
- Yeah, but...
- Well...
- I know he didn't see Mrs. House.
- Lf she's a twin, it's a different story.
- You don't feel she is.
- I don't know.
Oh, I know.
Unless he's in on it.
The super's in on it?
The super can't change a fuse.
I mean, she...
- What?
- Well, she's alive. My question is:
- Who was in that bag? I mean...
- She's not alive unless she's a twin.
- Okay? Now, keep quiet.
- Look, somebody...
Somebody got cremated, Larry.
Somebody.
Shut up.
Lillian House. Maiden name Lillian
Beale. Born in Pennsylvania, 1935.
Married Paul House.
She was not a twin.
Had a sister who went to England 20
years ago, a brother who died in 1987.
- This is it.
- This is where we were.
I know. And I was sitting there
after you left, having some wine.
- I looked out and saw...
- You saw her after I left?
I saw her on a bus. It was passing...
It was, like...
You're absolutely sure you saw her?
- You saw her face?
- I saw her.
Excuse me.
- I'm telling you.
- What was the bus number?
I don't know the number,
but it was heading west to east.
- It obviously was a cross-town bus.
- It's a cross-town bus.
The end of the line
is a few blocks down.
- She had to get off somewhere.
- Her destination was the next 6 blocks.
So let's look around.
Maybe we'll see...
...like, you know,
a clue or something.
- Maybe we'll see her. You saw her face?
- Don't doubt me. I'm not kidding.
- I think we reached the end of the line.
- This is it.
- Watch out. Watch...
- Yeah, what? Oh.
Look. See? See, he's turning. That's it.
- What do you think?
- What?
Think we should retrace our steps?
- You wear a tie with a dress.
- I don't even know if it looks...
- It'd be too masculine with pants.
- Just don't wear it with pants.
Ted.
- Look.
- At what?
- That hotel.
- What about it?
Waldron. I was in his apartment,
I pressed the last number dialled.
- They answered and said "Waldron. "
- Let's get to a phone.
Hello. Mrs. House, please?
Mrs. House.
Can you ring her room for me, please?
- Really?
- Well?
What? Maybe...
Well, maybe she checked out.
- Oh, God.
- Nobody. Nobody at all.
What about...?
Yeah, what about Helen Moss. Moss.
You're sure? Nobody.
Nobody at all. All right.
All right, okay. I'm sorry. Thank you.
Great.
Oh, God. It looks like
it's gonna rain again.
Well?
If I get two kings, I take one.
Otherwise, I fold. Got it?
I never go out.
- I just, I can't...
- That's how you wind up on welfare.
But I need the action,
for some reason. Okay, just...
- Cut?
- No, go ahead. I trust you. Lay it on me.
- You seem in a strange mood.
- I'm probably a little drunk.
- On Perrier?
- What? I had rum cake.
- Want any cards?
- One second.
Let me see what possibilities
I got here.
Yeah. I'm gonna have...
I'll have...
- I'm gonna have four cards.
- Four.
- Cruisin' for a bruisin'.
- Inside and outside straight.
You're in trouble now.
I can't escape the feeling that my wife
is becoming attracted to somebody else...
...and it's really bothering me.
- Really?
Yeah, that's why
I'm not playing my best.
This guy's more adventurous than I am,
and they just hit it off.
I'm gonna be very lonely,
you know, if this happens.
- You must love her a lot.
- Yeah, I do. I do.
If you want to hold on to her,
make some effort. Who's the guy?
- Ted. The guy that I fixed you up with.
- Ted?
Well, we could always switch.
Ted gets Carol, I can be your date.
Maybe I should actually make
a greater effort with Carol.
- So you bored?
- It's more fun than the Wagner opera.
Yeah. Well, to me, it's one of the most
exciting adventures I've ever been on.
Would you rather be here with Ted?
Well, he has a more enthused attitude.
- More enthused?
- Yeah.
- He's a fun guy. I'm a heavy guy.
- You used to be a lot of fun.
If you have a heavy scavenger hunt,
he's the man.
I know, but...
- Do you know that this neighbourhood...
- What?
...was where I first took you
when we started going out?
You've gotten so stodgy
in your old age.
- Remember there was a movie house...?
- Yes! Yeah, I remember.
I took you to see
Last Year at Marienbad.
I had to explain it to you
for six months.
Who knew they were flashbacks?
You know...
We've got plenty of time
to be conservative. You know?
It's like this tantalizing plum
has just dropped into our laps.
Life is such a dull routine
and here we are, right?
We're on the threshold
of a genuine mystery.
You gonna burst into song?
We're in a car.
Don't make fun of me.
I'm open to new experiences.
Let me ask a personal question.
Did you ever sleep with Ted?
- Don't get nervous.
- Sleep? What, are you nuts?
We were on an eating tour of France.
You spent an evening together.
I know. What about you?
Remember?
You spent the evening with Julie.
That meant nothing.
Julie despised me. You know that.
She thought I was a lowlife, a roach.
Jump in any time you want to defend me.
I'm waiting for you to say something
I don't agree with, okay?
Hey, you're nailing me. Jesus.
Larry.
Larry, Larry, look.
It's her! I'd say it's her!
- Oh, my God, it is.
- See what I mean? I was right.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive. Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- Right? Right? I mean, I was...
- Jesus, I'm... That is her.
- I know. Well, come on.
- I told you so.
- What do you mean? You're nuts.
- Oh, Jesus.
- You're white.
I know. All the blood
rushed to my brother.
- Let's find out what's going on.
- I don't want to.
- You're not afraid of her?
- No. I'm a virile male.
Yet, somehow, I am scared.
Maybe because she's dead.
- I'm gonna break this thing wide open.
- Well, how?
- God, if only Ted were here.
- Don't give me Ted.
- Let's get out of here.
- No, I got an idea.
I know. We'll surprise her.
We'll sneak into the hotel.
- How?
- Yeah, no. Come on.
- Excuse me. Hi.
- Hi.
Did you see a woman come in? She was
a little woman, about five foot three?
- She had on a grey sweater?
- Older?
- Mrs. Caine? Dark hair?
- Mrs. Caine? Oh, yes. That's her.
- We had a present for her.
- That's right. What room?
- 611.
- 611. Really. Thanks a lot.
We may need information. I'll take good
care of you, if you play ball with us.
- What are you making a face for?
- Will you come on?
- I'm coming.
- What are you doing?
Okay.
- 607.
- Very nice.
I love a hotel that's got blue powder
sprinkled along the baseboard.
Six-eleven. Here, Larry. All right.
- Mrs. House?
- Mrs. House?
- Mrs. House?
- Hello.
- Hello? Mrs... My God.
- I don't think she's...
- I don't see her.
- This may not be the right place.
Just hold on, Larry.
- Hold on, hold on.
- There's nothing here.
- Larry! Wait!
- What's the matter?
Oh, my God, look! Mrs. House?
Mrs. House?
- What's the matter?
- Hello?
- Larry.
- What?
- I think she's dead.
- Try giving her the present.
- Mrs. House?
- Oh, come on, let's get out of here!
I think she's dead!
I'm thinking of running the marathon.
This woman is forever dying.
Come on, move. Move.
Adrenaline is leaking out of my ears!
- Get down those stairs. Come on.
- Okay, all right.
What happened was
I suspected Mr. House...
- I'm looking around and suddenly
a hand is on the floor...
- and she has no twin,
but we checked...
- I tried to keep calm.
- There's nobody there.
- What do you mean?
- There's no body there.
- How can there not be anybody there?
- Want to show us where you saw her?
- She was totally dead.
- She's there.
- She was right here.
- She was definitely laying here.
- We're not crazy.
- It looked like she was strangled.
- We're professional people.
- I'm in publishing.
I'm looking to start a restaurant,
basically French.
She's a fantastic cook.
I'm against the restaurant.
Calm down. Calm down! Please!
Look, in the time it took you guys
to respond, somebody removed the body.
Not that you didn't respond quickly.
It took three minutes.
Not counting the half-hour the 911
operator took to understand me.
Nobody is doubting you.
We're going over the building, all right?
All right.
Did you check...?
- He's been at his business all day.
- Any witnesses?
- Corroborated.
- You didn't use our names, did you?
No, we didn't. If you think you saw
his wife, shouldn't you tell him?
No. He's in on some scheme here.
We think you should file a report.
Then if anything turns up, it's on record.
- Give us a call, have a good day.
- Thank you. Thanks very much.
- I don't know how...
- I gotta have a drink.
Where is Ted
when all this stuff is happening?
He's got his date with Marcia Fox tonight.
He's probably out buying Spanish fly.
- Helen Moss might be in on this.
- I don't want to know about this.
We should change our lives.
We should move out.
Start over, maybe in Mexico. Sell blankets.
We'll work off the hood of a car.
- I'm just beginning to come down.
- I don't know what's happening.
It was like a show where you open
the door and see a dead body.
I've never seen a dead
person before in my life.
The only one I ever saw was my
Uncle Morris, who was 94.
He collapsed from too many lumps
in his cereal.
Is this the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to us?
This is too exciting.
I'd like a fishing trip or Father's Day. Or
the time we saw Bing Crosby on Fifth Ave.
I don't need a murder
to enliven my life at all.
Whoever did it was probably in the room
while we were there, hiding.
Make sure and tell me that
before I go to sleep tonight.
- That means he probably saw us.
- I'll never get my eyes closed.
I'm petrified. Not only that,
but I'm a little drunk.
- I wonder who was cremated. Who was it?
- Well, it was...
- It wasn't Mr. House. He has an alibi.
- Yeah, but I don't buy that.
She doesn't buy the alibi.
Let's get out of here.
I want to go home.
It's starting to rain again.
If only Ted were with us.
He'd have a theory.
Ted's got a mind like a steel sieve.
That hotel room was on the end
of the hall. It's right up there.
- That's the room.
- I know.
What if they got the body
out over that roof?
What are the lights...?
Larry, the lights!
- That's eerie.
- This gave me the chills.
- Let's call the police.
- No, no. Let's check it out.
Check it out?
I'm not gonna check that out.
- There's lights going on there.
- Yeah, that's crazy.
Why don't we go home
and call the police...?
No! This is my case.
What do you mean, "your case"?
I don't wanna do this.
If only Ted were with us.
Ted would be shaking in his boots.
I'm only trembling like a leaf.
We're with the police department.
We'd like to check out room 611, please.
- You were here before.
- That's right, yes.
- You are police?
- Just... Show him your card.
- My what?
- Your card.
Your police identification card.
He's got his card.
- Okay.
- Thank you very much. 611.
- Great.
- Is there any trouble?
I'm a detective.
They lowered the height requirement.
I'll take this card back.
They're expensive.
Okay.
- Be careful.
- Telling me to be careful.
- Now, just don't upset anything.
- I'm not.
I'm just gonna leave fingerprints,
so if there's a trial, we can get trapped.
The murderer must have
hid in this closet.
I don't like this. Let's go.
I gotta be in temple early tomorrow.
He must have dragged
the body out really fast.
I'm sorry! The maid.
You don't have to turn the bed out.
And no croissants for breakfast.
Here, take this for yourself.
Keep the mints coming on the pillows.
- Honey, really.
- Let's go. That's why the light was on.
- This is crazy.
- Just a second.
Let me look around here a little bit.
I did damage. L...
- Larry!
- What?
- Larry, look. That's her wedding band.
- How do you know?
- I saw it on her.
- You did?
So much for the police combing
this place. Where'd you find it?
Behind the door there.
Let's get out of here. Take the ring.
Maybe there's a pawnshop open.
The police weren't thorough.
They probably thought we were cranks.
We got no body...
They must get 50 crisis calls a minute.
- Why would they bother with us?
- This is very deep stuff.
We should not be here.
This is creepy.
Who knows who's involved in this?
This could go very deep.
This could be like the Warren Commission.
I don't like it.
- Oh, my God!
- What is that?
- The elevator's probably stuck.
- Why are we stopping?
- Relax.
- Don't tell me to relax!
- I'm a world-renowned claustrophobic.
- It's okay.
- Hit something. I don't like this.
- I am hitting it. It's okay.
It's easy for you to say,
but I'm phobic.
There's plenty of air in this elevator.
Just don't panic, okay?
- I'm not panicking.
- Just don't worry.
- I'm gonna say the rosary now.
- Somebody's gonna help us.
- Somebody'll find us here.
- I don't like this.
- Hello?
- Stop it.
- Hello!
- I can't take this.
I'm running over a field,
I see a stallion. I'm a stallion.
Shut up, Larry.
Larry, just shut up and calm down.
- I see grass, I see dirt.
- Shut up! Hello!
You said, "Act like a policeman. "
I said no.
You said, "Show them your card. "
I said, "What card?"
Larry, boost me up.
We'll get out there.
- We'll do it.
- You can't get through that.
It'll never open. They're painted shut.
- They never open.
- All right, put your hand together.
I'm breathing. I can't breathe.
Larry, I mean...
All I have to do is loosen that, okay?
Put your hand together.
Now give me a boost, okay?
Wait a second! Wait, wait!
You gotta cut down
on those rich desserts.
Wait a minute, now!
Wait, wait.
My life is passing in front of my eyes.
The worst part is I'm driving a used car.
- You'd think they'd loosen this thing.
- I'm scared.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God. It's her.
- So that's where he hid her.
- Claustrophobia and a dead body.
This is a neurotic's jackpot.
- I'm scared.
- We're going down.
Oh, God, what's happening?
Press up!
I can't see my hand!
How can I press up?
- We must be heading for the basement.
- I want to get off in the mezzanine.
- What are you doing?
- I'm getting back on the elevator.
I can't see anything.
- There's nothing up here.
- Wait!
What are you doing?
Hey, what are you doing with matches?
These are my matches.
When were you
at the Caf des Artistes?
- I was with an authoress.
- At the Caf des Artistes?
A French authoress.
Wait.
- Jesus.
- This way.
I like a basement with knotty pine
and a pool table.
Hey, look. What's this?
Not so fast. I don't like it here.
It's dank and there's strange noises.
I don't know what this is.
Oh, Jesus!
- Calm down.
- Calm down? Don't tell me to calm down.
Found the light.
Let me see. We're locked in here.
What are we gonna do?
Relax, relax.
I'll break it down. Stand back.
Careful, now.
Don't hurt yourself.
Must be one of those new doors.
Over here. Let's try out here.
Oh, God. I keep hearing noises.
- What's down there?
- Where?
Where are you going?
Don't leave me.
What? I think this
is the service entrance.
- Come on, get it open. Go into a trot.
- I got it.
- Let's go.
- Where?
- Wait! Do you see that?
- What?
Somebody's putting a body into a car.
It's got a white sheet on it.
Come on.
That is... Let's get out of here.
- No, look! Let's follow him. Come on.
- I'm not going to follow him.
- There was a body in that car.
- I don't want to follow.
Hurry up!
It's probably a rented car.
And a rented body.
Come on.
Oh, Jesus. I can't follow his car.
- He's right up ahead.
- Where?
I don't know which car I'm following.
I'm not a good driver.
I can't chase somebody.
I'm gonna have an accident.
- I'll hit a school bus.
- It's night.
- There's no school buses at night.
- What about night school?
- You have no sense of direction.
- 20l20 vision. Well, not exactly.
- No, I do. He came right here.
- Where are we?
- I don't know. There it is!
- I don't know...
- There's his car.
- How do you know?
- That's his car.
- It is his car. Yes.
- Let's get out.
- Be careful. Be careful.
Look! Look!
Oh, my God! It's Mrs. House's body!
Come on! We gotta stop it
before it gets dropped!
Oh, my God.
Goodbye, Mrs. House.
- That was definitely Mr. House!
- What are we gonna do?
- I'm gonna call the police now.
- And tell them what?
This guy's got proof his wife died
of a heart attack two weeks ago.
We've got no body. We've got nothing.
What? What? What's wrong?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Hello, there. How are you?
- How are you?
May I introduce Gladys Dalton,
my gal Friday?
This is Larry and Carol, my neighbours.
We were watching Madame Bovary.
- Such a sad story.
- Yeah, it is.
She gets killed at the end.
You gotta stop up for a drink
before I go on my trip.
Love to.
If you hear of anybody who needs
an apartment, I think I may be moving.
- Come on, Gladys.
- What a shame.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Jesus, what a day, huh?
I can't figure it out.
- It's got to be that either he's a...
- What?
Either she's a twin or he's a twin.
Or they're multiple personalities.
Or you're a twin or I'm a twin.
- Because I don't know what's going on.
- You're nuts.
- Look...
- Wait, yeah...
- Let me be logical about this.
- We know she's not a twin.
- What are you talking about?
- I want to puzzle this out.
She's a twin, she's not a twin.
Now you're saying we're twins?!
What are you, nuts? Okay, I'm calm.
I'm calm. Okay.
- Yeah, I'm going to be logical.
- All right.
The first thing is this:
There had been a heart attack. What if
they induced it? Some kind of poison.
We never saw the body.
It had to be some other woman.
Some woman who probably had
some resemblance to Mrs. House.
The super says he saw her,
but he's a drunk.
Mrs. House could have been hiding.
You heard a noise that night.
That had to be Mrs. House
leaving to check into the hotel.
- I can't sleep, I just...
- Wait. It doesn't make any sense.
Suddenly he murders her.
What's it all about?
Why don't we go meet Ted and Marcia,
get something to eat and talk with them?
- At 1:00 a. m.?
- So what?
Ted was taking her to a show
and dinner.
- You want to schlep out to New Jersey...
- This town never sleeps.
That's why we don't live in Duluth.
Plus, I don't know where Duluth is.
Lucky me.
- You really saw his face?
- No question.
- I'm here to tell you...
- It was Mr. House. No question.
There was no way you could avoid it.
He was right there.
- It's obvious.
- How obvious? What do you mean?
Obvious he's committed
the perfect murder.
- What do you mean?
- Okay, look.
You have to start with another woman
who resembles Mrs. House.
That's what I said.
It was my idea. I said what she said.
They're with this woman.
Maybe having dinner.
They don't induce a heart attack.
That's fiction bullshit.
She dies spontaneously.
They had no thought of killing her.
- Maybe they wished she was dead.
- Why?
Maybe they stood to gain if she died.
They see an opportunity. Mrs. House
dresses her up in her clothes. She hides.
- This is exactly my theory.
- She checks into a hotel.
We got that far, with the exception
of the heart attack.
The husband's planning to go
to Paris with this young woman.
He's cheating on his wife.
Instead of finishing this scheme...
...he kills her, taking her share
of the profits.
- Helen Moss is in on this?
- Good chance she's aware.
What about Mrs. Dalton?
He claims he took her to the movies.
She's his alibi. She covered for him
when he strangled his wife.
- She said he was at work.
- He introduced her as a colleague.
- A colleague who maybe loves him.
- He's cheating on her too.
Cheating on two women?
This guy doesn't look the part.
He's gotten away
with the perfect murder.
There are no bodies around, and all
the paperwork's strictly aboveboard.
- Where did you find her? She's a genius.
- She is. But he knows that we know...
He doesn't care.
Why should he?
Everything's been neatly disposed of. Only
he, and maybe his mistress, know the truth.
- She's right.
- Hold on. We don't know this is true.
- This is just a theory.
- Yeah, but it's a great theory.
- A great theory.
- Everything fits together.
I think it's great.
When I come back from the ladies' room,
I'll tell you how to trap him.
- Unbelievable.
- Where did you find her?
She's really something.
It's like one thing leads to another.
I'm surprised you didn't drool
yourselves to death.
- We just had a nice first date.
- I knew they would hit it off.
You were gonna jump into her lap.
What are you talking about?
I'm her editor. I'm a father figure to her.
The only thing you didn't do
is rub your hands together.
You're joking.
You're jealous of Marcia?
- It's not that I'm jealous.
- What are we doing here?
Look who's talking. You kept staring
at her like she was the Dragon Lady.
You're jealous because
he's interested in her?
- I am not jealous.
- What are you...?
Do you take all your authors
to the Caf des...?
Okay, I've got it.
Since he's gotten away with it,
all we can do is bluff.
As long as we have no body,
we have no case.
What do you mean?
We pretend he slipped up?
The molten steel didn't do the job?
It's possible. He saw you there.
He knows you're onto him.
- Why couldn't you retrieve the body?
- We couldn't have gotten her out.
I would've wound up with a few toes
and a shoulder.
What does he know? He was probably
too scared to be very lucid.
He's an amateur.
He dumped the body and ran off,
and then somehow...
...you two dug her out.
- Now you can send him to the chair.
- I like this woman. She's lurid.
- Let me tell you why he won't believe us.
- I can't bluff or lie without giggling.
No, because if we really had the body,
why tell him?
Why not go straight to the police?
If you tell the cops, you can't
shake him down.
She's wicked. Look how this works out.
You go to the law, what do you gain?
They put him in jail. What have you got?
You haven't got anything.
Right.
But if he wants the evidence,
and has to pay for it...
...now he's nervous, right?
- There's just so many fallacies in this.
- What? Name one.
- Name one? Okay.
The guy looks us straight in the eye
and says, "What body?
- What are you talking about? Prove it. "
- That's when we keep bluffing.
- How? What do we do?
- We produce the body.
But where are we gonna get it?
Madame Tussaud's?
Say we found someone he trusted
to corroborate.
- Like who?
- Like his lover.
Say she said, " I've seen Lillian's body.
They want $100,000 for it. "
Why would she do that?
Remember that book you recommended,
Murder in Manhattan?
Max Schindler's book.
That's right, the phone call.
You never mentioned that book to me.
- You don't like light reading...
- Since when?
- What is this book?
- It's fantastic! It would be so perfect...
...because she's an actress,
a would-be actress...
We could use his theatre.
He's a playwright. This is so perfect.
- Your theatre is empty all the time, anyhow.
- Thank you. That's great.
- What are we talking about here?
- Listen to this.
We get her in for a fake audition, and you
write some lines that don't mean anything.
And she does them,
and we tape-record it.
- Listen.
- I'm listening.
And then we edit the tape recording up
and we make one end of a phone call...
...and play it to Mr. House.
- Is it in the book?
- Come on.
- This is perfect.
That could never work.
You don't know what he's gonna say.
- In the book, they use several recorders.
- It's coordinated.
- You base your plan on a dumb paperback?
- This is great. This is great.
He's gotten away with murder. Our only
chance is to nab him when he kills again.
It provokes him to kill again.
They catch him the second time.
He's gotten away with the first murder.
You know what I'm thinking?
In the book what happens is...
...he kills the two people working
the scheme on him.
But you're not worried about that.
- It's perfect.
- Either that, or I've developed Parkinson's.
- No, we can handle him.
- He knows you're onto him, shake him down.
- He comes after you, we nab him.
- It's great. You're wonderful. I'm amazed.
- It's either that, or he walks.
- So, what you're saying is...
What you're saying is... Oh, boy.
You're saying you wanna provoke Mr. House
into trying to murder Larry and me.
Yeah. Perfect. You're not scared, are you?
No, I'm not scared.
I'm turning it over in my mind.
I just want to check with my clergyman
before we commit.
Hi, B-24, messages? Oh, really?
Audition for what? Did he say?
Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me get a pencil.
Yeah, well, I've heard just about enough
of this.
Great. Thank you, Suzanne.
- We'll let you know. Suzanne Raphael, right?
- Thank you.
Bye.
- This is Helen Moss.
- Hi, there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Have you...? I know you
just got the material...
...just in the last little while, but
have you had a chance to go over it?
- I have, but I have just a few questions.
- Sure, yeah.
Is she divorced in this?
Yes. Yes.
- Recently?
- Yes. Yeah.
But she's... It's highly emotional.
You know, really, a lot of...
A lot of feeling. Very strong. Okay?
- Should I just begin?
- Yeah, whenever you feel into it.
- Hello, Joe? I was just...
- Let me stop you right there. Sorry.
If you'll start out more frightened...
...that will take you where you're gonna go.
- Right, right.
Hello, Joe?
I can't talk much now, and if I
sound strange, don't get alarmed.
Give me your hand. Hold on.
- Try not to fall. Hold on.
- "I'm trying, I'm trying. "
Quickly! Hurry!
They're asking $200,000 for it. Yeah.
They say it's Monet, but I say it's a fake.
Ever since Joe came home from Vietnam,
he's cast a pall on everything.
A dark cloud. A pall.
Hello, Joe?
I can't talk much right now, and if I
sound strange, don't get alarmed.
Hello, Joe?
I can't talk much right now...
Hello, Joe?
Ever since Joe came home from Vietnam,
he's cast a pall on everything.
A dark cloud. A pall.
A pall.
Pall.
Pall.
Hello, Joe?
Hello, Paul?
I can't talk much right now, and if I
sound strange, don't get alarmed.
- Perfect. Great. Great.
- That's great.
- Well, yeah, excuse me.
- It's fantastic.
- There she is.
- Where?
- Keep her busy all afternoon.
- I'll just keep improvising.
It shouldn't be hard.
She's a hungry actress.
I'll get her talking about the part,
her life, and her whole background.
- Stop the car.
- We'll hook up later.
- Good luck with your side.
- You too.
Does anybody want some guacamole?
Stop with the guacamole,
we have to get started.
- It's 2:30.
- He should be back.
- All right, let's go.
- You got the tape recorder?
All right, one second. Then we can go.
So we're on speaker.
- This is so insane.
- Now, wait. There's...
I'm not nervous.
The contractor came and
nobody's here. See if...
- I'll get that. You go and call him.
- Yes, yes, all right.
Hello?
Hello, Paul. I can't talk much now.
If I sound strange, don't get alarmed.
What's the problem?
They have your wife's body.
They showed it to me.
Say that again.
They have your wife's body.
They showed it to me.
- Who has it? How many are there?
- Your neighbours. That's right.
They want $ 200, 000 for it.
Are you calling from a speakerphone?
There's an echo.
- Hold on.
- We don't have an answer for that.
- Go to a different thought.
- What thought? Wait.
You either pay them off,
or get rid of them.
- We can't talk on the phone. Can we meet?
- Yes! They're k eeping it refrigerated.
- What? What did you say?
- About two hours ago.
- Two... What? Two hours, what?
- Hold on.
- I got this screwed up.
- Stupid.
- Let's get off quick. We've done it.
- All right. Do something.
Okay.
Hello, Paul. I can't talk much now.
If I sound strange, don't get alarmed.
You're not making sense.
Pull yourself together.
- Now, can we meet? The usual spot.
- Hold on.
Helen? Helen, you still there? Helen?
- Okay, hurry up.
- Forget it.
- Somebody press something.
- Carol. You do it.
You have no choice. Pay them off,
or get rid of them. I have to hang up.
- What's the matter? You look shaken.
- It's nothing.
- I worry about you these days, Paul.
- I'm fine.
- You're different.
- I said I was fine. Stop interfering.
- You never used to pull away.
- Leave me alone!
I don't want to have
this conversation!
My job is to wait one hour
and call Mr. House from a phone booth.
- Why are you running?
- I have to change.
- I've got an appointment about...
- What are you steamed up about?
How could you give a book
to Marcia and not to me?
What? We just had a big success.
Marcia likes to read what I like.
We've got nothing in common,
that's for sure.
Now that Nick's grown,
we're left facing each other.
You've got stuff in common with Ted.
You can take your clothes off
and baste a chicken.
What about Marcia?
What does she teach you besides poker?
- Nothing, I'm her editor.
- It's time to re-evaluate our lives.
I re-evaluated our lives.
I got a ten, you got a six.
- Maybe I'll go back to my shrink.
- You don't have to see a shrink.
Nothing's wrong with you that can't
be cured with Prozac and a mallet.
I would like to be alone a while, okay,
Larry? Just, I... Okay?
I have a crazy father. He's wanted in three
states. He has a terrible driving record.
- We had to move to New Jersey.
- Your father is wanted for driving?
Yeah. I moved to Hackensack...
I was in all these different contests.
And I was even Miss Teenage Passaic.
How wonderful.
God.
Was that before or after
the fourth abortion?
- After, but before the drama prize.
- Drama prize? I don't remember...
Remember? "Out, out, damned spot"?
The topless Macbeth?
- Yeah, for the fraternity party.
- Yeah.
- Topless Macbeth, how could I forget?
- I was great.
Hello, Mr. House?
This is Larry Lipton.
I got a package
I think you're gonna want.
Of course, it's gonna cost you
$200,000 in small, unmarked bills.
Or large, marked ones,
if you want to go that route.
And I have a package. If you want
to see your wife alive, do as I say.
Really?
Well, I think you're bluffing.
Don't try and bluff a bluffer. If
you've got Carol, put her on the phone.
Larry, help me! I'm here, Larry!
Oh, my God. Don't hurt her!
I'll tell you where to meet me.
Bring that package.
Once I have it and I'm gone,
you get her back. Otherwise, I kill her.
Yes. Yeah, no, I understand.
I'll be there. I'll be there.
Yes, I'll bring your wife's body,
she... In the trunk of my car.
Yes, I promise, I'll be there.
I don't have his wife's body.
Bluff, bluff.
- Where's Carol?
- Show me Lillian's body.
- I got it.
- No way she survived a molten steel vat.
- No...
- If you're not bluffing, where is she?
- Why are you nervous?
- Where is she?
- In the trunk of my car.
- Open it. Now.
If she's not there,
I'll put a bullet through your head.
Come on. Come on!
- Step back.
- No, I got her.
If I don't have her,
how come I got her ring?
- I think you're lying!
- This is her ring. No.
- What's this?
- I can never bluff.
- I've lost a fortune in cards.
- Listen.
- I'm not a bluffer.
- Get off...
Let go.
That's what Grisby thought.
She meant to kill Grisby.
After he'd served his purpose.
He never even did that.
He went and shot Broome.
And that was not part of the plan.
Broome might have gone to the police.
And if the cops traced it to Grisby...
...and the cops made Grisby talk,
he'd spill everything.
And she'd be finished, so
she had to shut up Grisby, but quick.
And I was the fall guy.
Why don't you try to understand?
- He was mad. He had to be shot.
- And what about me?
We could've gone off together.
- One who follows his nature, keeps...
- Help! Help!
They can't see us behind the screen.
And they can't hear us with the sound on.
- Not even a gunshot.
- Hello, Paul. Didn't you expect me?
- Mrs. Dalton.
- You made promises to me over the years.
And then you decided to dump me
for that young model.
- I never led you on.
- It's late for excuses.
- None of you can prove anything.
- So you'd be foolish to fire that gun.
With these mirrors, it's difficult to tell,
but you are aiming at me, aren't you?
I'm aiming at you, lover. Of course,
killing you is killing myself.
- It's the same thing.
- But you know, I'm pretty tired of both of us.
- I'm so glad. Are you okay?
- Oh, God, Larry!
I'm so happy to see you!
- I was never so glad to see somebody.
- Get me out.
Are you all right?
You don't know what's going on. I'll never
say life doesn't imitate art again.
- We gotta call the police.
- Yes, and a glazier.
- I know. Oh, God.
- Quick. Dial.
Dial. I know. Larry.
Oh, God, Larry. Oh, God. Honey.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Jesus.
- Wife mine.
- Hello?
Oh, God.
God, it's so complicated.
I can't keep track of it all.
Listen.
I'll give it to you one more time.
Mrs. House had a sister
who moved to England.
She changed her name when she married.
Her husband died.
She moved back to New York
a rich widow, but a recluse.
Mr. And Mrs. House
knew they weren't in her will.
They have her to dinner,
she accidentally keels over.
She resembles her sister, so they
fake it, pretend Lillian House died.
They cremate the sister.
Lillian checks into a fleabag joint...
...pretends to be her sister: Closing
her accounts, liquidating her assets...
...accumulating money.
She didn't realize her husband...
...was two-timing her with Helen Moss,
this pretty model.
He decides not to cut her in and go off
to, I don't know, with his mistress...
...and keep all the dough.
So he kills Lillian.
He cremates her, pours molten steel
over her or something...
...and that's when we came along
and tripped him up.
- He had great alibis.
- That woman who worked for him?
She covered for him. She loved him.
Not that she dreamed he was a murderer.
I want to celebrate.
What do you want to do?
Want to see what
Larry and Carol are up to?
I think they want to be alone.
Yeah. Okay. All right.
Well, you have any plans?
- You're taking me to dinner, right?
- Right. We can't sleep together.
- Why?
- Not tonight.
I slept with Helen Moss today.
I'm not young like I used to be.
You'll do anything to catch a murderer,
won't you?
- What an experience.
- I know.
- I'm still vibrating.
- I know.
You know,
you were surprisingly brave.
Really? Surprisingly?
You seem shocked.
- You know, I'm a pretty good guy.
- I know.
Where do you want to go for dinner?
Let's not eat anywhere they serve cowards.
- What are you laughing at?
- You know, I love you.
How could you be jealous of Marcia?
Isn't that ridiculous?
- Don't you know I love you?
- You were jealous of Ted.
Ted? You're kidding.
Take away his elevator shoes...
...fake suntan and capped teeth,
what do you have?
- You.
- Right. I like that. That's a good one.