Through early morning fog l see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
l realise and l can see
That suicide is painless
lt brings on many changes
And l can take or leave it if l please
The game of life is hard to play
l'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card l'll someday lay
So this is all l have to say
Suicide is painless
Suicide
lt brings on many changes
Changes
And l can take or leave it if l please
The sword of time will pierce our skins
lt doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin
Suicide is painless
lt brings on many changes
And l can take or leave it if l please
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
ls it to be or not to be?
And l replied ''Oh, why ask me?''
Suicide is painless
lt brings on many changes
And l can take or leave it if l please
And you can do the same thing
If you please
- Radar!
- Yes, sir.
- Call Major Burns.
- l'll call Major Burns.
Tell him we need to hold
two surgeons over from the day shift.
- l'll call General Hammond.
- Tell Hammond we need two new surgeons.
l hope he sends us those
two new surgeons. We sure need 'em.
- What, sir?
- l gave everything to Radar.
What?
- What the hell d'you think you're doing?
- What? l'm...
Just because you're a captain,
don't think you run the joint.
l run it.
- l'm supposed to...
- l know what you're supposed to do.
Your driver will be with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.
- Racist.
- Attention.
The following men
report to the departure area:
Carey, Michael S.
Phelps, Robert A. Colbert.
Cleaver, Herschell B.
Roosevelt, Charles B.
- Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
Govowska, Theodore G.
Miller...
- 4077th MASH?
- This is the jeep here.
All right.
OK, let's go, boy.
Get my other bag.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!
He just stole my jeep.
Hey! Watch what
the hell you're doin', will ya?
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.
Perhaps you would like to take a small repas.
l couldn't eat after that ride you gave me.
You want any of this?
No, thank you, but l could do with my lunch.
Well, why don't you come on in
with me and get a sandwich?
l'll follow you anywhere, sir.
Oh! How about that piece of scenety,
Yankee, huh?
Yes, sir.
Who are those men?
Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
- No, sir. First time l've seen them.
- Maybe those are the replacements.
Oh, don't be silly.
We're expecting some really sharp surgeons.
l guess they just got separated from their unit
and are looking for something to eat.
They've got a hell of a nerve
coming in here eating our food.
Pardon me. Would you move over
just a little bit. Thank you. Ooh!
Be careful with that.
- But she's got to use Phisohex...
- l think l'm in love.
..that Phisohex soap on her face.
She really has a bad complexion.
- But when she's got a bad complexion...
- She won't use soap.
Well, the truth is, Lieutenant,
l don't have anything to do tonight.
l just got into town and, well, l thought
maybe you could show me around.
Captain, if you'll notice the lieutenant's
beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
l'm the commanding officer
and l'll get to the bottom of this.
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here
because they want to.
- You men just passing through?
- l was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
Captain, you are speaking about
a lieutenant in the United States Army.
l'm Colonel Blake.
Oh, Colonel.
l'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.
- That's my driver over here.
- Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
- Are you leaving?
- Yes.
- Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
- Captain Hawkeye.
Captain Hawkeye Pierce, l had a TWX about
you. Seems you stole ajeep at headquarters.
No, no, sir. No, l didn't steal ajeep.
No, it's right outside.
Oh, so it is.
Captain, when you report to your new duty
station, you go to your commanding officer.
Captain... Pierce, is it?
- Captain Pierce and me have been boozing...
- Good. Been working close to the front.
We have slack periods, but when the action
starts you'll get more work in 12 hours...
- How many nurses on the base, sir?
- 17.
- How many on my...
- Four.
- ..than a civilian surgeon in a month.
- l'd like her as my nurse.
- lt could be arranged.
- And the young girl, the blonde.
Father Mulcahy. l'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.
This is the Catholic chaplain.
Here's Captain Forrest.
- Dago Red.
- Dago Red!
- Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
- Known as Painless Pole.
- Captain Black, our anaesthesiologist.
- l'm the dentist.
- John Black. l'll be passing gas for you.
- Duke? Welcome.
- Captain Bandini here.
- Thank you. How are you?
- lf you boys have any problems, my tent...
- Bandini here. Duke, glad to meet you.
l was saying if you have any problems,
my tent is...
- Radar! Oh.
- l'm Corporal O'Reilly. They call me Radar.
- You'll stay in Major Burns' tent.
- Take them to Major Burns' tent.
And l'll change the numbers on the jeep.
Oh, and change the numbers on thatjeep.
Corporal O'Reilly, you're not billeting these
enlisted men in the officers' area, are you?
Oh, excuse me.
l'm working for my blind brother
who can't afford the trip to Korea.
- Unhand me, sir.
- Hey, Duke Forrest.
Now, that one's mine.
- Hi, fellas.
- Who? That one?
- Yeah.
- Who told you that?
- How do you know that?
- ''Though l walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
l will fear no evil: for thoo art with me.''
Thou. Thou art with me.
- Jesus Christ.
- What's that about?
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.
- New personnel, Major.
- Good.
- Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.
- How do you do?
- Duke Forrest.
- Frank Burns.
- How are you?
- Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
''My cup runneth over.''
''Surely goodness and mercy
- shall follow...''
- What's this here?
Ho-Jon, one of our mess-hall boys.
l'm teaching him how to read.
ls that right?
Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.
Listen, l got a book here
that's got a lot of pictures in it.
l think it's easier to learn how to read
when you look at pictures. A little adventure.
- May l leave now, Major?
- Sure, Ho-Jon.
You have fun.
There it is. Suture, Maty.
- What sutures are these?
- l can't see what the hell l'm doing.
- Scorch, l need some more sponge clamps.
- OK. Just a minute, Les.
Give me some big hunks of sponge,
for ctyin' out loud.
- Also some big sponges. Use these.
- That's bleedin'. That's gotta come out.
l can't stop that bleedin' down there.
- What's so funny?
- Nothing, sir. Not a thing.
- ls that true what l hear about you?
- Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.
- Oh, yeah.
- He's cute.
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
- Here we go.
- Captain Pierce, did you call me?
No, and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.
l can't really see.
lt's like the Mississippi River down there.
Doesn't feel like it's in one piece.
l think it's gotta come out.
Get in. Get in there.
And give me some more
of that gauze wrapped up there.
- Ready?
- l'm ready.
Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
Scratch my nose. Just on the tip.
There. A little harder, please.
Attention. Attention.
All noncommissioned... Attention. Attention.
All noncommissioned officers
will report for short-arm inspection at 0400.
That is all.
- What's that?
- That's a martini, Frank.
Finest kind. We're trainin' Ho-Jon to be
a bartender. Would you care to imbibe, sir?
l don't drink.
Jesus Christ, l think he means it.
- l think we've been had, Hawkeye.
- l think you're right.
l don't think it's right to involve a boy
who's not 17 years old yet.
- You go to sleep now?
- Yeah.
- l go wash clothes.
- OK.
You make a mean martini there, Ho-Jon.
You keep it up, you hear?
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
- You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
- Not with anyone beyond the age of eight.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom and the power
and the gloty, for ever and ever. Amen.
- Amen.
- Amen.
God, protect our men on the field of battle,
that they may return home to their dear ones.
And, dear God, protect
our supreme commander on the field
and our commander in chief
in Washington DC.
Frank, were you on this religious kick
at home or did you crack up over here?
Frank, how long does this show go on?
lt gets longer all the time. Now l have
your soul to pray for and Captain Pierce's.
Onward, Christian soldiers
Marching as to war
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before
Christ, our royal master
Leads against the foe
Forward into battle
See his banners go
Onward, Christian soldiers
Marching as to war
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before
- Yeah?
- What's the line-up?
Four waiting for surgety, two for the lV
and two for the antibiotics to take over.
We can probably handle that
if there's no more choppers. Pickup.
Scissors.
- You can't go in the colonel's office.
- That's who we're lookin' for.
Henty, you gotta do something.
We have stuck it out for a week. Pretty girl.
Yeah, she kinda grows on you.
- What is it, men?
- That sky pilot. Get him out of our tent.
- Your tent?
- Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
She won't keep us awake all night praying.
l've been here a long time. l know what you're
ttying to pull, but you won't push me around.
Not for the world would l push you around,
but, look, there is one more thing.
- We need a chest cutter.
- We need a good one, or there'll be trouble.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.
We won't get one.
Sir, they're behind in the OR
and the pre-op ward is jammed up.
The helicopters and ambulances
are coming in full.
You have to work early today.
And add overtime to a 12-hour day?
The union'll raise Cain with you.
With those hours, you need rest.
You can't get it with Burns jabbering to God.
Burns will go in 24 hours.
Tell them Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest are on the way.
- Henty, there's one more thing.
- l told you Major Burns will go in 24 hours.
- The chest cutter.
- No.
l'll tty. You can't ask more than that.
My operation was fine.
lt's the head wound that did him in.
Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.
Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Dago!
Amen.
- Pull it back, Duke.
- Hell, l can't.
- Get hold of the other one.
- Dago, l want you to hold this retractor. Now.
- Please, come on. Now.
- Yes. l'm sorty.
- Hi, Dago.
- Hold on. Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.
Clamp.
Sorty, Dago, but this man's still alive
and that other man is dead, and that's a fact.
Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell, did you see it?
- Where's Hawkeye?
- You mean Captain Pierce?
- No, l'd have to look at the duty roster.
- They're in there.
- Oh, man.
- Hawkeye, you gotta remember, l'm married.
l'm married. l love my wife.
lf she was here, l would be with her.
There is no question of loving anybody.
lt is a question only of helping...
You see, l made a vow to myself
that while l was gone
l was gonna be faithful to my husband.
Those are vows you make
when you're with somebody.
Hawkeye?
- Ho-Jon?
- Duke say you better haul ass home quick.
- We got new chest cutter in our tent.
- OK.
This is Radio Tokyo bringing you
musical interlude for your enjoyment.
- That's him.
- Hiya. l'm Hawkeye Pierce.
Yeah. See? All l can get out of him
is he's from ''Bahston''
and he's been in the army two months.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. And that's all.
Well, listen... where were you
when you were drafted?
l was just curious.
Back home. l told you before.
No, l mean, what were you doin'? Were you
like a resident or on staff some place?
Where?
Hospital.
Which hospital?
Back home.
Some reason
l shouldn't know which hospital?
l don't know. l will ask.
ls there some reason my friend
should not know the name of the hospital?
There doesn't appear to be any reason.
l've seen you somewhere before.
l don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.
Have you always had that moustache?
Are you a beer drinker,
or would you like to share a martini?
- Martini. That would be... l'd love a martini.
- Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.
l think you will find these accommodating.
They're quite dty.
- Don't you use olives?
- Olives? Where the hell d'you think you are?
We do have to make concessions to the war.
We're three miles from the front line.
Yes, but a man can't really savour his martini
without an olive, you know.
Otherwise, you see, itjust...
doesn't quite make it.
Attention. The Evangelical United
Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals
to the 4077th MASH unit.
These hymnals are located in the camp libraty
and may be checked out by those with cards.
That is all.
Listen, am l gonna get paid
for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.
Small bones, huh?
- l need a retractor also, nurse.
- Let's get her, baby.
What do you think? Can l tie this for you?
- You need some suction?
- Yeah, that's fine.
Pickups for me, please.
- How's he doing, John?
- He's doing well.
- A suture.
- Looks like that's it. Looks like that's it.
What did you do with our thread?
We're all out.
- More thread and larger needles.
- Let me?
- Let me have another suture.
- You surgeons are all alike.
lf this guy knew the clowns
who are operating on him, he'd faint.
- l think he has!
- Nurse, l need a suture.
- Coming.
- Keep ahead of him, babe.
- We need a couple more stitches in there.
- That's fine, yeah. Thank you.
lt's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse,
or we'd get rid of you.
- Don't stick me.
- Keep it clean.
l can tie that for you.
Let's have the big stitches
for holding up the chest.
- Larger needles, Knocko.
- Now sutures.
Start wrapping up. l could use another one.
Anybody know if he's an officer
or an enlisted man?
- He's an enlisted man.
- Make the stitches big.
Attention. Captain Bandi... Captain Bandini...
Attention. Attention. Captain Bandini
is now performing a palmaral pop...
poplit, a pop...
A palmaral P-O-P-L-l-T-E-R-A-L
artety explor... exploration,
and possible graft.
The following memo has just come through.
Please remove all pictures, postcards,
nude calendars, et cetera from the walls
so that our rooms may look
clean and orderly. That is all.
lt's you! Did l tell you how Androscoggin
College beat Dartmouth in a blizzard 6-0
- cos l intercepted a pass?
- Yeah.
They had this great passer,
and we held 'em 0-0 till the last 20 seconds.
And then snow and all he let one go,
and it went sailing, boom!
Lucky your mouth wasn't open
or it would've got stuck in your throat.
- How is Trapper John?
- l thought you'd never remember!
John Mclntyre, Trapper John.
Only man ever found fulfilment in
a Boston Maine Railway in the ladies' can.
Conductor opened the door, the girl
looked out and yelled ''He trapped me!''
- How are ya?
- l'm great. What's goin' on over there?
Well, well, well. Must be
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.
Painless Polish Day?
- Walt Waldowski, the dentist.
- Those guys waiting to scrub his back?
No. He's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist in the army.
You may call it that.
Once in med school, l did an autopsy
on a guy. He would have been drowned.
- You an authority on that?
- l heard that one.
Extraordinaty. A friend had a...
Boy, man, l'd surely love to see that angty!
Nurse!
Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.
- l'm sorty. A c...?
- Just get it!
Pinch a bit?
And you can cut me about a four-inch piece
of wire and about an inch and a half of tape.
- Hi.
- Who is it?
lt's Trapper. Let's get some of this stuff off.
You idiot! l said a cardiac needle.
- You want me to get a nurse?
- lt's too late, Boone. You killed him.
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.
This is where we do the dirty work.
- Captain Murrhardt.
- Sponge.
- Hi.
- Hi, Captain.
Dennis. Don't you remember?
l helped carty your luggage from the airfield.
- Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.
- Hi.
- This is Captain Black.
- Hello, Captain Black.
- Hi, l'm Ugly John, your gas passer.
- Oh... Ugly John.
Oh, it's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.
- Captain Sacks. How's the operation going?
- Are you kiddin'?
Scissors.
- Oh, and this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.
- Major! Oh, right!
Now l'll show you the rest of the operation,
if you'll excuse the pun.
This is the pre-op ward.
l'll take these things -
this is the post-op ward - if you don't mind.
Oh, Vollmer, take care of these, will you?
- Finished work for the day?
- Yes. Why?
Good. Good. l just wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.
- Son of a bitch!
- Trapper! Captain Mclntyre! What the hell...?
- That's a captain?
- What's going on? Who started this?
l hit him! He's an ignoramus,
that knucklehead!
He wouldn't have touched me
if l'd had my guard up.
Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone!
Think this is an English boarding school?
Mclntyre, you're under arrest.
Confine yourself to quarters.
- Henty, are you kidding?
- l deeply regret this unfortunate incident.
We tty to remember
we're a militaty organisation.
l should certainly hope so.
Vollmer, that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.
- Captain Mclntyre, you are officially...
- Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.
Attention, camp compound. Urine specimens
will be required from all pers...
Disregard last transmission.
- Sorty, Colonel.
- What the hell's the matter with you?
- Want some coffee?
- Please.
- Ho-Jon, some coffee.
- What's wrong with you?
l don't know. l must have lost my punch.
l never expected the son of a bitch to get up!
- That's no kind of an answer.
- You know why he did it.
l can't have my junior officers
striking each other.
Dammit, Henty. Frank Burns is a menace!
Evety time a patient croaks on him he says
it's God's will or somebody else's fault.
This time he blamed it on some kid
who was stupid enough to believe him.
l'm tired of you ttying to run this outfit.
There's going to be disciplinaty action.
- What are you gonna do, Henty?
- l'd planned to name Trapper chief surgeon
- to consult on your shift and Frank's.
- That's damn good thinking.
But now l can't do it for at least a week.
lf l announced it now after what our new
chief nurse saw, she'd yell to Washington.
Don't you have any sugar in this place?
Good morning. Today's musical
selections will be rendered by
Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.
Colonel Blake, General Hammond did not
answer the phone. He was at a football game.
- Those generals have all the fun!
- Yes, sir.
Attention. Attention.
May l have the camp's attention?
This week's movie will be
''When Willie Comes Marching Home''.
The biggest parade
of laughs of World War ll.
All the loves, laughs and escapades
of the Willies who came marching home.
This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.
Captain Pierce, may l join you?
You've already joined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
Where do you come from?
Well, l like to think of the army as my home.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Ho-Jon, bring me some ketchup.
- l've been observing the nurses on your shift.
- l know.
Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.
You want to know what l think
of the nurses on my team. l'll tell you.
l think they're fine, just great.
l'm totally satisfied with them.
- Oh, no, that's the second time this week.
- Of course, what do you expect?
Welcome, gentlemen.
When the lights go on again
All over the world
You got enough room?
- ls he all right, Hawkeye?
- ls he all right, Dago?
Yes, you mean is he gonna live?
He'll live.
l hope somebody's gonna be around
tomorrow morning when he wakes up
to tell him that he hasn't got
anything between his legs any more.
Syngman Rhee paid the light bill.
- Major Burns is far from satisfied.
- That doesn't surprise me.
Frank Burns does not know
his way around an operating theatre.
He does not know his way around a body.
And if you'll have observed anything, you'll
have observed that Frank Burns is an idiot.
He has flipped his wig, he is out
of his head, he's a lousy surgeon.
On the contraty, l have observed that Major
Burns is not only a good technical surgeon,
- he is a good militaty surgeon.
- You finished?
l have also noticed that nurses as well as
enlisted men address you as ''Hawkeye''.
Because that's my name. Hawkeye.
That kind of informality is
inconsistent with maximum efficiency.
Oh, come off it, Major!
You've put me off my fried lobster.
Do you realise that?
l'm gonna go back to my bed, l'm gonna
put away the best part of a bottle of Scotch
and under normal circumstances,
you being normally what l'd call attractive,
l would have invited you back to share my
little bed with me and you might have come.
But you really put me off. l mean,
you're what we call a regular army clown.
l wonder how such a degenerate
could have reached a position
of responsibility in the army.
He was drafted.
- Radar!
- Your briefcase, sir.
- You're going to see Hammond.
- l'm spending the day with Hammond.
- Major Burns is in charge.
- Major Burns is in charge.
- Good luck.
- See you in the morning.
- Any last-minute instructions for the men?
- Radar has all the information.
But who's gonna be on CQ tonight?
Wait a minute. What about the...?
- Oh, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
l have some shirts with the buttons missing.
Ask Satsumi to sew them on, please.
- l'd be glad to do them.
- You don't have to.
- lt's nothing. Nice jacket. ls it new?
- Oh, yeah. My... lt was sent to me.
- You don't have to do that.
- Take care.
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the surgeons
He needs a queen to satisfy his urgin's
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the trappers
He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
Hail to the chief,
he's the best of all the cutters
He needs a queen
with a bigger pair of udders
Hail to the chief...
Blake's gone out of his mind.
ls that gonna go on all night?
He took his orders
and shoved them up his rectum
No, no. No food. No food.
- Sex. l want sex. Bring me some sex.
- Scorch, come forth.
- No, no, bring me that one.
- He's chosen you!
That one. The sultty bitch with
the fire in her eyes. Take her clothes off.
l want that one! Yes! Yes!
Take her clothes off and bring her
to me now! l want her now!
Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
This letter
has been written
in the interest
of...
Army morale.
Good. Army morale.
Wait a second.
Radar's gonna sing us our verse.
''This letter has been written
in the interest of army morale.''
''We feel it is our duty to bring this
unwholesome situation to your attention.''
''We write this jointly to assure you no one's
personal feeling has influenced this report.''
''Respectfully,
Margaret J Houlihan, Major Burns.''
- That's perfect.
- l think it's a marvellous letter.
- We make a good team, don't we?
- We think the same way.
Of course we do.
lt's almost suppertime.
- You're not hungty, are you?
- Ravenous. How about you?
For you, Margaret.
Now, the sooner this reaches him, the sooner
we can turn this into a tight militaty outfit.
Attention, camp compound. Corporal Judson
has informed the colonel's office
that three cases of amphetamine sulphate
are unaccounted for again.
This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.
lt must stop, by order of
Colonel Blake's office, 4077th MASH unit.
l only wish l could
deliver that letter personally.
- Good night, Frank.
- Good night, Margaret.
- l'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.
- That won't be necessaty.
No, l don't mind.
l'll leave the door unlocked.
Attention. Captain Mclntyre will give
a lecture on blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800... Correction.
At 021... At nine o'clock this evening.
Take your hat off, Radar.
You're before the king... queen.
Don't get nervous, Radar.
Long live the chief,
the colonel... the colonel
Long live the chief,
the colonel did elect him...
You all right?
Fine.
Godless buffoons, all of them.
lt's the disrespect for you, Frank.
That... that's what l can't forgive.
l'm used to it.
- Liquorice?
- No, thank you.
What makes me sore
is how they behave towards you.
They oughta be grateful to have you.
l certainly am.
l'm grateful to have you, Frank.
We've grown vety close in a short time.
lt isn'tjust chance.
l'm sure of that.
God meant us to find each other.
- His will be done!
- Darling!
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank!
l'll help you. Oh, yes.
Oh! Wait, wait. Get my robe.
Get my zipper. My zipper.
Oh, God!
Get the searchlight on.
Put the light out before it opens.
Hi. What's going on? May l join you?
A little radio show from home.
Oh, yes. Oh, Frank.
- Oh, Frank. Oh, yes.
- ls this the Bickersons? l love them.
- Who?
- The Battling Bickersons. l love it.
Oh, Frank.
Hard. Oh, Frank.
Harder, harder.
No, l... l forgot. l...
- You're shining that thing in my eyes.
- Oh, l'm sorty.
Darling...
Oh, he is such a sweet man.
Oh, Frank! Oh, Frank, my lips are hot.
Oh! Kiss my hot lips!
- Yes, they are hot.
- Lips? Hot... hot lips?
We have got to share this
with the rest of the camp.
- Switch it over.
- OK.
Oh, Frank. Yes!
- Darling...
- Oh, oh, Frank.
Oh, Frank, strangle me hard.
- Frank! Oh!
- What the hell is that?
Oh! Oh, yes. Oh!
Dr Frank Burns is doing
a bit of dilatation and curettage.
- Sounds like the major's having a dream.
- She's plugged in.
Oh, Major.
Oh, Frank.
Frank. Wait a second.
- What is it?
- Turn the light off!
No! Let go! Turn the light off!
Get your clothes on! Get your pants on!
Don't shout at me.
Don't shove me.
Too bad Henty wasn't here. He'd have
thought it was a real radio programme.
l thought it was a radio programme.
We should send a letter of commendation
to the Armed Forces Radio Network.
Ah, wonderful. Yes. lt was the most
uplifting programme l have ever heard.
lt was climactic.
Morning, ladies.
Well, hiya, Hot Lips.
Oh. Oh, my goodness, over my...
l'm so sorty to touch you, but l...
- What's up with her today?
- l think it's one of those ladies' things.
- lt's not like her to act like this.
- She's made a...
Bitch. Look at my new flannel sweater.
- She's gonna have a nervous breakdown.
- She can't even get outta the door.
Morning, Frank.
Heard from your wife?
- Colonel, you forgot your briefcase.
- l left it in the jeep.
- You left it there.
- Oh, yes. l forgot it.
Morning, Captain. l hope
you didn't have to... Take care of this.
l hope you didn't have to bother
with those shirts. lt wasn't necessaty.
- Too late, sir. lt's a done thing.
- Well, thank you. Morning, Padre.
You know, l really got...
- Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
- Great. The general wasn't there.
Listen, about last night, sir,
there was nothing l could do about it, sir.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
- Well, it couldn't have been helped.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, what's that?
Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.
Vety encouraging.
A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you
what Hot Lips was like in the sack. Was she...
- Mind your own business.
- No, Frank. ls she better than self-abuse?
What's that all about?
He gonna get some pointers or somethin'?
No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up to make
a personal appearance tour in all the camps.
ls that a fact?
Can you make out what they're saying?
Does that big ass of hers move around a lot,
Frank, or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
Hawkeye's questioning
the major on a point of anatomy.
Vety professional.
Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?
- What is Burns saying?
- Major Burns isn't saying much of anything.
He's formulating the answer.
Seriously, Frank. Does she go...
Or does she lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?
- Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
- Or does she go...
Get him off me!
- Get him off me!
- Frank, is that lesson one?
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
l'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Watch out for your goodies. He's a sex
maniac. l don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.
Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
The time has come for us
To say sayonara
My heart will always
Be yours for eternity
l knew sometime
we'd have to say sayonara...
Colonel, fair's fair. lf l nail Hot Lips
and punch Hawkeye, can l go home?
l'll remember our romance
Until the day that l die
l'll see your face
ln the moon and stars in the sky
- Hawkeye!
- Be there in a minute.
- Hawkeye!
- Oh, shit.
OK. Seidman, get another guy. We gotta take
this into the ORjust on the stretcher.
Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.
OK. l can't move my hand. Come on.
Have you got the cutdowns?
You're gonna go to sleep. You'll be fine.
- Hot Lips, let me have a sterile knife.
- l'm gonna need two vascular clamps
and an arterial suture.
As soon as you give me the clamp l want you
to gown and glove me. All right? Ready?
OK. Here we go. lt's gonna spurt a bit. OK.
- You got it?
- Ah, yeah, you baby.
- Clamp.
- Yeah.
OK, gown.
- Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?
- Yeah.
OK. Ugly, move out of the way
cos l'm working over there.
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching
like you never saw before!
Attention. Attention.
This is Colonel Blake's office.
The American Medical Association has
just declared marijuana a dangerous drug.
Despite earlier claims by physicians
that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
this is now found to be the case. That is all.
When did you get them? Let me tty it on you.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Hey, Dago Reddo! Hi.
You're just in time for cocktails.
- Come on in.
- No, thank you. l can't, really.
- Hawkeye. Hawkeye.
- OK, Red.
- Could l speak to you?
- Yeah, sure.
No, outside.
- What?
- l have to talk to you outside.
Hiya, Pup-Pup.
- Sorty to drag you away from the gang, but...
- What?
This'll only take a moment.
There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
Painless? You got a toothache? He's good.
No, no, it's not my problem.
See, it's his problem.
- What do you mean? What is it?
- Well, what is it... That's...
lt's difficult to talk about, you see, because
l learned about his problem in confession.
- Oh, and you can't...
- l can't divulge.
Can you give me a hint?
- Just an idea?
- Well, no.
But l can tell you how serious it is.
He and the boys were playing poker
and one of the boys turned to him and
asked him for a ruling on one of the hands.
And Walt said, he said
''What does it matter? lt's only a game.''
Painless said ''What does it matter?
lt's only a game''? Poker, only a game?
Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what l thought.
- l guess l better go see a man about a tooth.
Thank you.
- See, l didn't know what to... do.
- Pup-Pup.
You see, there are some...
There are some things that absolution just...
Well...
Seven, eight, jack. Three on a low.
Four, three... Hawkeye, there's
an empty chair here looking for a player.
Baby, l've got a toothache
like you can't believe.
Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did l lost $30.
Why do you have to sit behind me?
lt makes me nervous.
- lt brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.
- Come on. Let's play, men. Deuce. Ace.
- Can l take some Scotch?
- Sure.
- You want some?
- No.
- How you feelin'?
- No, don't touch me.
Look, if a...
lf a man isn't a man any more,
what's he got left
that he should be living for?
OK, tell me about it. What's the stoty?
Well, you know that little nurse that was
through here last night with the 325th?
- The little one with the big... boobs.
- Yeah, l know. Yeah.
Well, anyway, l...
l wasn't gonna fool around out here
because l got these...
l got these three girls
that l'm engaged to back home.
And you wanted to be faithful.
Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.
Well, anyway, l took her out last night
and l... l failed.
- You mean she wouldn't put out?
- She wanted to, but it was me. l couldn't...
- Oh, you couldn't... lt wouldn't...
- Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all.
That happens to evetybody.
lt's happened to me four or five times...
Yeah, well, it's never happened to me before.
Come on. You're the best-equipped
dentist in the army.
- You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
- That's just a cover-up.
- What's a cover-up?
- Don Juanism.
- l've been reading about it. lt's a cover-up.
- lt's a cover-up for what?
Well...
l'm a faity.
A victim of latent homosexuality.
l've turned into a faity.
- Have you... have you done anything?
- No, but it's only a matter of time.
l just can't face it.
Look, Hawkeye, suppose that
you found out that you were one, huh?
- One...?
- Yeah. You wouldn't like telling your wife.
- No, l can see that that would be a problem.
- l got the same problem, only multiplied.
Well, you know, Man o'War,
after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to stud.
And he had an average of about 120,
130 foals evety year.
And he lived to be 36.
And then when he died they did an autopsy
and found out that he was a raving queen.
No, that's a little-known fact, but it's the truth.
- Painless has a couple of years left in him.
- Maybe more. He hasn't started raving yet.
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist
shouldn't read. That's his problem.
His problem is that he believes it.
He is convinced.
lt's an obsession and it is a vital force.
- Here he comes! The jawbreaker.
- He's not gonna break anything.
Just act natural.
All right, Painless? How's she goin'?
Something in a marshmallow?
No, it's OK, fellas. l know
you've been talking about me, and...
Well, l came over to tell you that l've decided
that l'm... going to commit suicide.
Well, if you're really gonna
go ahead and do it,
do you think you could
leave me your record player?
- Oh, sure.
- Thank you.
Gonna miss you, Painless. How do you
plan to do it? A .45 between the eyes?
- That's awful sloppy.
- lt's reliable though.
Well, that's another thing l wanted to ask you.
l'm sort of new at this game and...
Do you have any particular
method you'd recommend?
l don't know. l think my colleagues and l
could come up with something
- to relinquish the vital forces of their...
- Black capsule.
- Black capsule.
- Of course. That's neat.
What's a black capsule?
You have any? Does it work?
lt worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.
lt should work for you.
Hawkeye, l really must... l should
check with the militaty vicar's office.
l cannot give absolution to a man who is
about to commit suicide. lt's a mortal sin.
Look, Dago, he is not
committing suicide, only intending to.
So you're not dealing with an act,
but with an intention.
lf it works, he will not commit suicide, so
therefore you're preventing a mortal sin. OK?
Well, l should check.
- Well, you check on it.
- Well, there's...
All right, where you at?
There you go.
Now, then, you've all come here
to say your final farewell to ol' Walt here.
- Farewell, Walt.
- Dear ol' Walt.
You know, l got an idea that maybe
it's not such a final farewell after all.
l think maybe ol' Walt's goin' on into the
unknown to do a little recon work for us all.
- Huh?
- l just wanna say one thing.
Nobody ordered Walt to go on this mission.
He volunteered for certain death.
- That's true.
- lt's what we award our highest medals for.
- That's beautiful.
- That's what being a soldier is all about.
- Oh, yeah. Hear! Hear!
- Yes. Yes.
Gentlemen, l think there's only one person
who has anything to add to that.
- And that's Dago Red.
- Oh, the padre. Let's hear it for the padre.
Walt, here's... here's your black capsule.
Look, this thing works pretty fast, doesn't it?
l think l better go lie down over there.
Walt, that'll help you.
Through early morning fog l see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
l realise
And l can see
That suicide is painless
lt brings on many changes
And l can take or leave it if l please
The game of life is hard to play
l'm going to lose it anyway
The losing card l'll someday lay
So this is all l have to say
- That suicide is painless
- Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.
- lt brings on many changes
- lt's out there.
- And l can take or leave it if l please
- l'll always remember you just like this.
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before l'm beat
And to another give my seat
For that's the only painless feat
Painless.
Suicide is painless
- lt brings on many changes
- Nice party. Thanks for asking me.
- And l can take or leave it if l please
- Thing is...
you're throwing your whole education away.
- And you can do
- Good night, Jawbreaker.
The same thing
lf you please
Hi, baby.
- Hi.
- l'm glad you could come.
Sorty it was so late.
That's OK. l really couldn't
sleep anyway. l'm so nervous.
You leavin' tomorrow?
Yeah. l'll be on my way in less than 12 hours.
l suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on though is your husband.
Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?
A man would be more considerate to his wife.
He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.
- Stop using logic cos you're just proving...
- lt could be an impersonal thing.
..why l shouldn't go to bed with you.
l didn't mean me.
You have the rare privilege that happens
to chief executives of states or nations.
You have the privilege
of restoring a human being's life
by a tender act of mercy.
What is this? Oh, Hawkeye, is he dead?
No, no.
He's not dead. Not yet.
Painless has a psychological problem,
and you're the only person who can help him.
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.
No, Maria. You've gotta look on this as a
nurse. Painless needs it for therapeutic value.
lt will help him, and it wouldn't do you
any harm either to think about it for a bit.
lf you think that your virtue is more important
than Painless's life, that's fine.
l just want you to stay here
and be with him for a minute.
Just look at him.
- Just stay close to the whole man...
- Oh, Hawkeye!
and look at him.
Hawkeye!
Oh, this is ridiculous.
You forgot your hat! You wouldn't
wanna leave without a souvenir.
Have a good trip.
Lieutenant Schneider,
you forgot your travelling orders. Wait.
You're supposed to pick...
These are your travelling orders.
- Morning, Painless.
- Oh, hi, Hawkeye.
How's she goin'?
Slept like a doll last night.
Well, can't waste time. Big day.
Got two jaws to rebuild. Come on, Seidman.
Have a good day.
Attention. Attention.
Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held... will not be held this Friday,
due to mitigating circumstances.
For those who wish to observe said holiday,
Sunday has been reserved. That is all.
Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
- That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
- So are you, but you don't know it.
- lt's in pretty deep.
- l think that was my finger.
l need your help, Hawkeye.
lt's hit more than a lung.
- What do you think?
- l don't know.
- Hey, Radar.
- Yes.
Has that A negative come in from Seoul?
- We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
- How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?
Good. He's ready.
Pickups and irrigation, please.
Give me some gel foam.
Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.
Scissors.
- Sponge.
- More sponges.
- Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.
- Rib spreader.
- Clamp.
- Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
- Lot of blood.
- Sponge.
- Scissors. Watch it.
- Give me something to stuff it in with.
- Pickups for me.
- How's he tolerating this?
- Good. He's young.
- Things get slippety.
- You're a backhanded guy.
- Let me have the forceps and a sponge stick.
Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.
- Thanks, Trapper.
- Put enough blood in him, John.
There's a clot on the cava above the atrium.
Must be the point of entty.
Clamp.
l feel a fragment right underneath the clot.
- You control the cava.
- OK.
- We gotta stop that spurting.
- Clamp.
- Do what?
- Stop the spurting.
That's a vety good technical term.
Christ. lt's not in the cava.
lt's in the pulmonaty artety on the left side.
- OK. Let me close him up and sit on it for...
- We can't sit on it. What if we're jammed up?
We don't have the blood!
lf you cut again, you'll lose him.
Look, Hawkeye, the artety can erode.
Now's the time to take our shot.
- A negative.
- You said you didn't have any blood.
l found a donor.
Up close, all crumpled up like that,
they don't look like much, you know.
Was he loaded or empty when he crashed?
He was loaded, but it didn't matter much.
You see, the two guys
he was cartying were dead already.
What about the pilot?
Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap and he lost
the function in his right hand, but he's great.
l didn't hear. What colour was her hair?
Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.
Black? You like black?
l... l'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
l knew it. l knew you had
an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.
- Hear! Hear!
- Go to hell, Captain Pierce.
You know l damn near puke evety time l look
at her. 'Sides, l'll bet she's not a real blonde.
How dare you say that about
an officer of the United States Army, sir?
l'll not only say it,
but l'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?
You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.
OK, but who's gonna be
the poor schmuck who finds out?
Well, l could, if no one else wants... l...
No, no. We...
We gotta all see it together somehow.
lt's five minutes after the time
the nurses shower. Where are they?
They will be here.
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.
- What's happening?
- Radar...
- See the papers?
- What?
You don't know about
the papers the colonel left?
- Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
- l tried to.
Here you go, here you go. They're comin'.
- Evelyn, could you give me a hand?
- Sure.
Hey, Frankie, could you
take a look at my corns, please?
Knocko, the pictures of my kids have come.
- Hot Lips, would you like to see them?
- l'm not interested.
Hey, Scorch.
Bravo!
Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo! Author! Bravo!
Bravo! Author! Author!
20 bucks, huh?
You win the bet.
Oh! That's it!
- Major, what went on?
- Where's Blake?
- You can't see Colonel Blake.
- You shut up, you twerp!
This isn't a hospital! lt's an insane asylum!
And it's your fault because
you don't do anything to discourage them!
- What do you want me to do?
- Put them under arrest!
See what a court-martial thinks
of their drunken hooliganism!
First they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them get away with it!
And then you let them
get away with everything!
And if you don't turn them over
to the MP this minute,
l... l'm gonna resign my commission!
Goddammit, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.
My commission!
My commission!
My commission!
A little more wine, my dear?
Yes, please.
ls that right?
Come on, baby.
Come on. You all right? Keep it straight, eh?
- First the present, then dinner, then a movie.
- You mean all three of you?
- Where l go, Warren goes.
- You don't want me to go with you?
Well, Boone...
He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.
Hey, soldier!
- Me?
- Yeah, you. Where you from?
- A MASH outfit at the front line.
- No, l mean your hometown.
lt's on the East Coast.
Have you been wounded yet?
Yeah, a little... a slight...
- Would you like to say hello to your mother?
- Well, my mother's dead actually.
Oh. Well, l'm sorty.
- l'd like to say hello to my father, if l could.
- Yeah, yeah, fine.
Hi, Dad.
Excuse me. l am making
an examination of this young man
to find out if he would be
a soldier in our army.
Yeah, l know. Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she goin', boy?
His heartbeat is much too fast
and his blood pressure is dangerously high.
Oh, yeah?
l guess you think he's unfit for the army, eh?
Yes, at first. But when l saw on his paper
he worked in an American hospital
where there are many drugs
and he could have taken some by mistake.
- What would he do a thing like that for?
- Who knows?
To find the truth l will keep him here
for a couple of days.
By tomorrow his fast heart
and high blood pressure may be gone.
- Look...
- So l suggest you say goodbye to him now.
- Doctor, l've...
- lt was a nice tty. Come on, Ho-Jon.
Oh, man!
This is brought to you through Radio Tokyo
by courtesy of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.
A federal court rules that
El Du Pont de Nemours and Company,
Remington Arms Company and the lmperial
Chemical lndustries Limited of Great Britain
have conspired to divide munition...
ldiot! He knocked me down the hill!
He broke my umbrella!
l wish they wouldn't land these things
when we're playing golf.
- That's him on the right. Wait! Wait!
- Captain Mclntyre.
The lieutenant's come from Seoul to see you.
- You're Captain Mclntyre?
- Yes, l'm Captain...
Lieutenant, you look terrible. Captain,
look at his eyes. Let me see your tongue.
Oh, no, no. Take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.
l haven't seen a case like this
since l was in school. My goodness.
Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgety.
This is one case in five. l think l can save you.
You're to proceed to
Kokura, Japan, immediately.
Kokura, Japan! What's this about?
There's a congressman. Grenade went off
in practice. There's a piece in his heart.
- What?
- Gl's dad's a congressman.
Grenade went off in practice.
Piece in his heart.
- That the X-rays?
- Yeah.
Apparently some big heart surgeon
in Boston told the congressman
the only man to take care of his son
is Captain John Mclntyre.
Of course, l suppose there could be
two Captain John Mclntyres.
No, no, l'm the only John Mclntyre.
Look, Hammond says l can take
someone to assist me. Wanna come?
Yeah.
Lieutenant, l think l can save you.
Take one of these evety half-hour.
Now, get into your helicopter and button up
your shirt! You're in the militaty army!
- lt isn't even close to his heart.
- l know, it's nothing.
But how many times do you get to go
to Japan with your golf clubs?
Come on, Shirley.
Goddamn army.
Goddamn army!
Goddamn army jeep!
Excuse me, could you tell me
where the congressman's son is?
- Ward six.
- Darling, would you register us?
Just a moment!
You can't go in there. Who are you?
- Who am l? The pro from...
- l don't believe you.
You can't go in till l call Captain Peterson.
Wait a second. lf this soldier wants to enforce
her orders, l'll take her on single-handedly.
- Get away!
- You open this.
- He's won two Purple Hearts.
- You can't come in!
- l'll ravage your body.
- l'll call the police. You can't come in!
- You have not seen such a beast!
- l'm gonna call Captain Peterson. Stay away!
- Captain Peterson, please.
- Captain Peterson!
- What are you two hoodlums doing here?
- Ma'am, we are surgeons here to operate.
You can't go near a patient until Colonel
Merrill says it's OK. And he's still at lunch.
Mother, l wanna go to work in one hour.
We are the pros from Dover
and we figure to crack this kid's chest
and go play golf before it gets dark.
So find the gas passer,
have him premedicate the patient,
then bring me the latest pictures on him.
The ones we saw were old.
Then tell the kitchen to rustle us up lunch.
Ham would be fine. Steak would be better.
Then get one nurse who knows how to work
in close without getting her tits in my way.
Oh, you fool.
How do you want your steak cooked?
Towel.
Say the magic words,
you make a hundred dollars.
All right! l demand an explanation.
Somebody get that dirty old man out.
Dirty old ma...
l'm Colonel Merrill.
l don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,
the All-American Boy.
lf this chest gets infected,
l will tell the congressman who did it.
- Scissors, please.
- Will you let me have a skin suture?
Old pickups.
- Who was that?
- That's Colonel Merrill.
- This is his little store here.
- Oh, yeah?
Who are you?
l'm Dr Jekyll actually.
This is my friend Mr Hyde.
Why don't you save your rapierlike wit
for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?
Did l ever tell you about my friend,
Me Lay Marston?
Oh, yeah. Your friend who would go
around saying ''Me lay, you lay'' to the girls.
He'd score once out of 50 times.
Yeah, you told me about him.
He's passing gas for
the congressman's son here.
Oh, really? When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?
l don't know.
- D'you play golf?
- No. l have no time for golf.
l'm moonlighting down at Dr Yamachi's
New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.
This old guy l met when l came over.
He has a crude hospital for kids and finances
it with a whorehouse all in the same building.
lt's the NEHWH. Come on down
and we'll get something going for you.
- l've got an in in Kokura!
- Here, soldier, take these.
Take our golf carts, but don't drop anything
cos we're gonna play golf later.
Goodbye, pimp.
- Ladies.
- Girls.
Gentlemen. Be careful with that...
Militaty police.
All right, fellas, the game's over.
Finally caught up with us, huh?
Where did we fail?
l don't know. l think it was the woman.
Something tells me l've seen her before.
She was the one in Tangiers.
You can wait in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
We don't blame you.
You're only doing yourjob.
United Press lnternational
today voted the Korean War
- the top news stoty of 1951.
- We're in the middle of putting.
My God.
All right. You men are under arrest.
- l'll have you court-martialled!
- Come off it, Colonel.
You don't have us. We have you.
Your boys blew this case
and we bailed you out.
Now we are gonna stay here for one more day
and check out the congressman's kid,
and... get in some golf for ourselves.
lf that's OK with you, then we got a deal.
And if it isn't, we can always call Washington
and you tell them your stoty and
we'll tell them ours. lt's as simple as that.
ln the meantime we'll be at the pro shop
where we are gonna shower and shave.
lf you wanna get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.
ls that a client?
Excuse me.
Oh, you tty one.
- Good?
- Oh, it's terrible.
Listen, l hate to do this to you fellas,
but do you think
you could look at a kid for me?
- Now?
- A kid?
We had a little carelessness here,
and the other day one of our girls presented
us with an 8lb American-Japanese boy.
Whenever we feed him, it either comes
right back up or he coughs and he turns blue.
We don't have to see him. Just tell that
half-assed hospital to get some Lipiodol
and we'll take some X-rays.
We can't get near that place.
With a civilian, the colonel has a big thing
about it, especially a ''native''.
Then don't tell him any more than necessaty.
Tell him the pros have an emergency.
Tell him to get the OR ready and Trapper
and l'll fix his tracheo-oesophageal fistula.
OK, Me Lay, put him down in here.
Get him to sleep
as quick as you can, will you?
- Where did this baby come from?
- Watch him.
- ls this what you got us up for?
- Yeah.
We stumbled on him. We don't want him,
but we can't back away from him.
This time l will not be intimidated.
l command that this illegal use
of army facilities cease immediately!
On this point l stand as firm as
the Rock of Gibraltar.
And furthermore l... You can't do this...
- This one is for West Point.
- What the Sam Hill's going on here?
That's what they all say.
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable...
There's no competition to the Painless Pole,
but it's pretty healthy.
- We caught you with your pants down!
- Men are fighting on the front line!
Attention! Attention!
Colonel Blake has secured for us
''The Halls of Montezuma'',
so big only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.
Technicolor. ''Tell it to the Marines'',
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,
who we now love more than ever.
Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world.
Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,
Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,
the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattety
through some of the most
interesting war films yet created.
Due to a possible camp infection,
Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill is now off limits.
That is all.
- Could l have some longer needles?
- Get this sponge outta the way.
Cut down on the back. Hey, Dago.
- Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?
- Yeah, l screwed a kabuki dancer.
- Let me have the long-fingers.
- lt's OK?
Yeah, but l can't stop this bleeding.
- How's the intake, Painless?
- Normal.
- l'm here if you need me, Henty.
- Oh, l can't talk to you now, Padre.
No, l mean he's going to be all right, isn't he?
- Oh, he's going to be fine.
- Oh, good.
Does anybody else need help?
Oh, ask around.
What's he got the flaps down for?
- Duke! Come on, Duke. Open up.
- What? No, l don't want any.
Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.
Who is it?
- What the hell you doing back here?
- We've been working for hours. Open up.
Wait a minute. l'll be right with you.
- Hi, Hot Lips.
- You miss us?
Shame, shame on you.
Well...
- Radar.
- Yes, sir.
Hold this, please.
- Colonel Blake.
- Henty? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.
l've got news for you. You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.
- Well, it's all over.
- Oh, that's great news, General. Who won?
Oh, by the way, l have a report here, Henty,
from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.
She makes some accusations, Henty,
l find pretty hard to believe.
Don't believe 'em then. Thank you, goodbye.
Yeah... What?
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome, sir.
Attention. Attention. Friday night's
movie will be ''The Gloty Brigade''.
Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.
lt's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side with Greeks... Anzacs,
showing the world a new way to fight,
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,
bayonets like bazookas... bullets.
Starring Victor Mature. That is all.
l'll be with Colonel Blake. Check this place
out. See what the nurses are like, huh?
Right, sir.
- 4077th Mobile Army Surgi...
- Yeah, yeah.
- Sir, d'you know...
- Yes, l know where he is.
Oh. All right.
All right.
- Thank you.
- Look, Charlie,
you can't blame Henty because
Hot Lips Houlihan can't stand her name!
You know, she's just a lady though.
What the hell?
Come on, for ctying out loud. She's
regular army. She's a fanatic about ritual.
She won't even let us play football.
- Football?
- General, she's all lined up, Charlie.
Yeah. l didn't know you had a football team.
lt's pretty much in the planning stage.
No, no, we have a vety fine football team.
Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th Evac last year.
- And what a team that was.
- Yeah. l coached the boys myself.
- He's the finest coach in the Far East.
- Yeah.
We're ttying to work out a schedule
of the outfits we're gonna play this year.
Of course, we, you know, throw
a little money into a pot and make bets.
How much... how much money
do you put into your pot?
- Five thousand, six thousand.
- Five thousand dollars!
Look, l don't think we're in
the sort of league you're in.
Well, l'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.
- lt can be arranged.
- Yeah. l think l'll talk this over with Henty.
Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.
- Thank you.
- What the hell you...?
Sir, ever since the dark days before Pearl
Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.
- What the hell is this?
- A helicopter.
That man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.
Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?
We get Henty to apply, make
a specific application for a neurosurgeon.
He asks for Dr Oliver Harmon Jones.
- Dr Oliver Harmon Jones?
- Oh, he's... Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?
He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.
- He's a good ballplayer.
- Yes! That Negro boy, played with the 49ers.
- Sure.
- Sure, l remember. He's good.
Henty, if we had closer relations, we wouldn't
have this misunderstanding, right?
Now, that's where a football game
would help between your outfit and mine.
A football game?
We put up a few bets,
five thousand maybe, and have a little fun.
Special Services in Tokyo
says it's one of our best gimmicks
to keep the American
way of life going in Asia.
- Betting?
- No! Football.
But what about Major O'Houlihan?
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her!
- lt's a helicopter, General.
- l know it's a helicopter!
l just wondered
about the social problem, you know.
l mean, he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.
We got a problem,
we'll stick him in with us, baby boy.
- You're serious, ain't you?
- Sure, l'm serious.
lt's enough for me to have to put up with
you two Yankees, but l'm, you know, that's...
Because of his wife,
or was it a religious problem?
- lt was a conditioning problem.
- Why you called Spearchucker?
l used to throw the javelin.
Right, we're not here to sell lemonade,
we're here to practise.
But first let's welcome Spearchucker.
ls it all right to call you that?
Call me whatever you want.
l want you to know we're all the same here
on the playing field, officers and men alike.
Now, we're going to begin
with the three basic principles:
organisation, discipline and teamwork. Now...
- Pardon me. Mind if we limber up first?
- That's a good idea. You organise that.
Move that line, hey!
Hold that line, hey!
All right, Seidman, keep 'em pushin'
that whatever you call it.
That's good. All right, Hot Lips,
keep their arms and limbs moving.
Radar, you're a coach.
You're not a corporal, you're a coach,
so keep them going through there.
Good, Hot Lips.
All right, Seidman, give 'em five.
All right, men, take five. Spearchucker.
We look pretty lousy, don't we?
For college players that have been
out of training for seven years, yeah, you do.
l got an idea how we can make some money.
We leave him out of the first half. We bet half
our money. They roll up some points, OK?
Second half we stick him in.
We get odds from them.
We bet the other half. We clean up.
- Good thinking, Captain.
- Sounds good to me.
Oh, and l had another idea.
l think we should have some plays.
Usually in football you have organised plays.
- Well, if you don't mind, l took the liberty.
- Oh, you have.
- l drew up seven or eight plays.
- Oh, these are good.
- l think that's all this bunch can handle.
- Oh, vety good. Yes. Oh, vety, vety good.
What are these little arrows?
Right into his hands!
- Well, it's only six points.
- Six points!
- lt's only one point.
- One point!
Who's that number one? We can't stop him.
They call him Super Bug.
He had one year with the Rams.
- We can't do anything with him in there.
- You gotta come in. We can't wait.
No, we stick to our strategy,
but you gotta get him out of the ball game.
Hey, Davidson! Here!
Let's ease up just a little bit.
We don't want the score too lopsided.
He caught it!
- Who's he giving it to?
- lsn't that Corporal Judson?
Judson's a lineman! Judson can't run!
For ctying out loud, Judson,
what're you doin'?
- Duke, you threw me that ball!
- You had the field open! Why'd you fall?
l'm no goddamn runner, l'm a lineman.
We're gonna really clean up today.
- Ah, it's only two points.
- Two points.
- What d'you think you are, a cannon?
- What kind of a snap was that?
We got a lot of money on this game.
This is embarrassing!
Let's go! Yeah!
- What happens now?
- We get a free kick.
A free kick! Girls!
Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
- Another six points.
- Another six points.
Look. Look. He's hurt.
He's leaving the game!
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!
What the hell's the matter with you? Smith!
- Those damn bastards pulled something.
- Coach, did l break my 400?
400! This is not a track meet. This is a football
game. What d'you think l pay you for?
Get him up. Walk him around. Do something.
- l think l won the 440.
- 440! This is a football game, goddammit!
All right, you guys, get in there and kill 'em!
All right, bub, your fuckin' head
is comin' right off.
- l'm ready, Coach.
- Ready for what?
- l'm in the broad jump, Coach.
- Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!
- Still 16 to nothing.
- 16 to nothing.
Well, that's not bad.
16 to nothing in the first half.
l have to give them the old Knute Rockne.
- About time for the gun.
- Right.
Men, ever since the dark days before Pearl
Harbor, l've been proud to wear this uniform.
- Got a towel?
- Henty, have you pressed the bets?
- Today we are wearing...
- Have you pressed the bets?
Oh, the bets! Finish the half-time speech.
Hit 'em with a mortar!
Kick 'em off the hill!
Mash 'em! Smash 'em!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
Hot Lips! There's a time
and a place for everything, dammit!
Oh! Right. Bo-bo.
Bo! Bo!
Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.
- What's the matter with him?
- You oughta know. You pulled something.
- l guess you don't wanna double the bet.
- The hell l don't.
We beat you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.
- Are you prepared to back that up with odds?
- Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.
Player 24, who is he?
Stop him!
Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half.
Stop him!
- That's Spearchucker Jones.
- Who?
He played with San Francisco before he
got drafted. He's gonna be tough to stop, too.
Henty, you brought in a ringer, did you?
- Radar, what's the general ttying to say?
- Didn't bring him in in the first half!
He's just been informed
as to the identity of our Spearchucker.
- His ringer's spotted our ringer.
- How do you like them apples, Charlie?
- You can't trust anybody.
- Now watch him make the extra point.
lsn't that illegal?
What kind of team is it?
They're falling all around like dead flies!
Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!
Hot Lips!
lt's a penalty, you idiot.
Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game.
Judson, kill him!
What's wrong with you?
We're here to play football, not fight!
Bastard 88 called me a coon.
Called you a what?
Coon.
OK, that's an old pro trick
to get you thrown out of the ball game.
- Why don't you do the same thing to him?
- What, call him a coon?
No, the boys in camp used to talk about
his sister. Her name was Gladys. Use it!
- Yeah.
- All right, all right.
What the hell are you doing, for God's sake?
What's the matter here?
They're takin' him out.
69 is divine!
69 is divine!
There you go, Charlie. Another
side of beef for your butcher shop.
Let's get the ball and really go
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
- Who's the brunette? She new?
- Yeah, l had her shipped in.
Yeah. Not bad.
Kill 'em! Kill 'em, goddammit!
My God! They've shot him!
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop,
it's the end of the quarter.
What did l make you a major for?
For a team like that?
l did the best l could.
l didn't know they'd get a ringer.
- l ought to put you in and let 'em kill you.
- What about my knee?
You better get on your goddamn knee
and start prayin'. Trick knee, my ass.
My God!
- How's that?
- Did you see that?
Get the hell back there. Get back there.
Well, looks like we may make it.
Seconds to go.
OK, fellows,
we don't have vety much time left.
l got a special play l wanna run,
a semi-eligible play.
Line up with evetybody to the right
of the centre except Hawkeye,
who drops back one yard
before the snap of the ball.
That makes you the semi-eligible. Just take
the ball from Trapper between your legs
and hide it under your belly and walk
toward their goal. Right? Now, Trapper...
All right. Come on.
- This is only one time. $5,000.
- Worth a tty.
- lt'd be a miracle.
- Whaddya say, let's do it now!
Ready?
Set!
- What are you doing? Get back!
- l got the ball!
Run with it!
- Two dollars
- Two dollars.
Four dollars.
Out. l fold.
Raise you two.
Raise it another two?
- l have an Oklahoma.
- Oh, God!
- What is that?
- Two eights, a ten of spades, a deuce, a five.
- You win!
- What do you have?
Tokyo. The United States
Armed Forces Radio is on the air.
Duke? You busy?
- What is it?
- Henty's got our orders. We can go home.
- Right now?
- Any time. Whenever we want.
D'you mind if we get out
of this guy's brain first?
Can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.
- l just...
- Haven't you?
- l wanna make sure the oozing is checked.
- Damn perfectionist.
Yeah, well, l'm...
l'll see you.
Five goddamn months and they don't even
give a guy time off for good behaviour.
Hey, see you around.
lt's possible.
Take care of the squirrels.
So long, Pup-Pup.
Will you go, for Christ's sakes? Go before
they change their minds. Get outta here!
Oh, God, listen favourably to our prayers
and with your right hand bless this jeep.
Send your holy angels so that all who ride
in it may be delivered from evety danger.
And as you granted faith and grace by your
deacon Philip to the man from Ethiopia,
who was sitting in his chariot
reading holy scripture,
show the way of salvation to your servants,
so that, helped by your grace
and always intent on doing good works,
they may, after all the trials
of their pilgrimage and life on earth,
attain to everlasting joys
through Christ our Lord. Amen.
- Captain Pierce, your driver'll be here soon.
- He's here.
Let's go, driver.
Attention. Tonight's movie has been ''MASH''.
Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons
as they cut and stitch their way
along the front lines.
Operating as bombs...
Operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,
snatching laughs and love
between amputations and penicillin.
Did Hawkeye steal thatjeep?
- No, sir. That's the one he came in.
- Vety good. Come along, my dear.
Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red,
Painless, Radar, Hot Lips,
Dish and Staff Sergeant Vollmer
as they put our boys back together again.
Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliot Gould,
Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, Robert Duvall,
Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois,
Roger Bowen, Gaty Burghoff, David Arkin,
John Schuck, Fred Williamson, lndus Arthur,
Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,
Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara
Horrocks, Ken Ptymus, Danny Goldman,
Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy,
G Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.
- Goddamn army.
- That is all.