1
(Film crew talking in background)
- Now Lance, the media has never
commented in interviews
on how uh...big you are. Any comment?
- Look I don't think about that,
I've never measured it.
I guess it's pretty good.
In fact it's great. You know
they are all big on screen.
- Well do you enjoy your sex scenes
with co-star "Linda Hand"?
- Well Linda Hand is the studios
top female star.
That's why we work together.
- And do you get together off camera?
- Linda and I have our
own private lives.
The only time we are together
is when we are shooting.
- Well I am sure you have a very
busy life,
and it must be draining.
- Not really.
- That's what I've heard.
- Oh.
I tell you what
why don't we have dinner tonight,
and maybe we can continue this
conversation about my after hours
reputation.
- Sorry Lance, I can't, I have all
these things...
- I hate to interrupt your interview
Mr. Hardy,
but literally speaking we have to
get this fucking scene shot.
That's uh if you can be up for it?
- Yeah
Well, international box office star
Lance Hardy has to get it hard!
- Ok heat em up!
- Box office star, really?
Your watching too many of
your own movies.
Now if your cock was as hard
as your head maybe we could get
started.
- You know you have a terrific mouth.
- So I've been told.
- Especially when no words come
out of it.
- Oh for gosh sake Linda,
This is supposed to be a sex scene.
Your a nympho...
Instead you are acting like my wife.
Quiet on the set everybody.
I'm sorry.
- Ok, ok.
Let's just get this started,
so we can get this dumb scene over
with.
- You know he's right.
- Roll sound.
- Rolling.
(Whispers)
Speed!
Speed, mark it!
Marker...action!
- Yeah that's good.
AHHHH!
(Carnival music)
- What did she do?
Awww did it hurt him?
Linda bit Lance on his most
precious asset.
Ok Phil,
There's something I want you to say
to both of them, for me,
and Mr. Kuntz.
Tell them to stop acting like
Prima Donnas,
and finish the fucking movie!
Now if they don't do it, they
will never star in another picture
together again.
Or separately either.
Oh what did she do now, Phil?
She did what?
Alright Phil, I'll, I'll get
back to you.
Lance said something to provoke Linda,
so she bit his cock and
walked off the set.
- Lance Hardy, boy asshole.
Harvey, somewhere out there
there's got to be another schmuck
with a pretty face and a big putz
and able to cum on que.
And if I ever find him, I'll run
Mr. Lance Hardy's ass right
right out of Hollywood.
- You know Bernie, this asshole that
you're talking about,
his last three pictures netted
us 1.8 mil.
And that doesn't include the
licensing fees for the
Lance Hardy vibrators and the Lance
Hardy dildos.
- He's still an asshole.
Harvey I'm gonna put out a
casting call.
I'm gonna get two new stars, I'm
gonna replace them both.
- Just in case you've forgotten.
We've taken a couple of advances for
another Lance Hardy
Linda Hand picture.
So, we better come up with a
Hardy-Hand picture.
(phone ringing)
- Hello? Hi Ginger.
No, I really don't feel like
going shopping today.
Well I thought I would just,
um, I don't know sit
around by the pool and
answer some fan mail.
Ok, sure! Alright, bye.
Dear Ms. Hand,
I'm one of your many fans.
I jerk off to all of your movies.
Once, the theater manager caught me
and kicked me out.
Now I go to another theater.
Could I have a picture of you?
Your devoted fan..
Huh, how sweet.
- (Radio broadcast) It's 78 degrees on
a beautiful day in Los Angeles,
and you're listening to non-stop music
on you're favorite radio station.
K-LOV... K-L-O-V
- Yes?
- Uh Ms. Linda Hand?
- Yes, what do you want?
- Uh, I'm here with the Apex pool
service.
I'm here to service you.
I mean the pool, service the pool.
It's your regular day.
- Where's Mr. Miranda?
- Uh, he's in Europe on vacation.
- The pool business must be pretty
lucrative.
- Oh, well if it's not convenient now
I can come back at another time.
- Well, you're here now you might as
well come on in and get it done.
So what's your name?
- Cochran, ma'am.
- Just Cochrane? No first name?
- They call me Bud, ma'am.
- Tell you what I'll call you Bud if
you stop calling me ma'am.
Make me sound like Queen Victoria.
I think I'm still too young to
play that part.
- You are the Linda hand from the
movies aren't you?
- You've seen some of my films?
- Uh, I've seen Good Enough To Eat and
Genitals For Blondes.
Since I've been here I've been to the
Pussycat Cinemas a couple
of times, but back home a group of
guys and me we go
to the theater almost every week.
- It won't bother you if I lay
out here and get some sun,
will it?
- No, ma'am.
I, I mean no, no it won't.
(entrancing music)
(upbeat guitar music)
- Bud, why don't you come over here
and put some oil on me.
Bud?
(low bass tones)
Is this part of your usual
service, Bud?
- You, you see anybody in the water
with me?
- No.
(synthesizer music)
(moaning)
- What do you think?
- I don't know. What's the score?
- Not the game, schmuck!
What do you think of the act?
- Eh, what's the big deal? She
only gets one channel.
- Turn that thing down a little,
would you honey.
You've got an interesting act.
We'll let you know.
(accordion music)
- You've got nice tits, tits.
- We'll let you know. Thank
you very much.
- (off screen) Next.
(off screen) Thank you very much.
Send the next girl in, will ya?
Next.
I can't take much more of this.
Call back that girl, Daisy.
(groans)
- Uh, Buttercup.
- It's Daisy.
- Oh yes, yes, uh Daisy.
Uh, Daisy, Mr. Cox and I, uh,
would, uh, like you to test for
a part we've got coming up.
We think you'd be perfect.
So why don't you come back
here next Thursday and on
your way out you see Dorothy our
secretary
and she'll give you all the details.
How about that?
- Ok, can I put my clothes back on?
- Oh, of course my dear,
how thoughtless of me,
how thoughtless of me.
- Oh, and I wanted to thank you both.
- Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.
Uh, sly dog.
Bye!
Next Thursday!
(groans)
Harvey, Harvey, it ain't easy.
But... Someone's gotta do it.
Harvey, why don't you go
see my tailor?
- Cochran you know, you
really oughta be in pictures.
- You mean in fuck films?
- You certainly have a way with words.
- You wanna give me another audition?
- That's exactly what I had in mind.
(moaning)
(electronic music)
- Mr. Hardy, you spilled cum
on Mr. Cox's desk.
- Ah, that's too bad.
Why don't you put some on
Kuntz's desk too.
- Mr. Hardy... Thank you.
(accordion music)
(low mumblings)
- Lance you're late again.
You know you've gotta give up this
"I'm the greatest sex machine that
ever walks" stuff. You know?
We've got a screen test to do today.
- I know I'm sorry I'm late, ok?
Oh hi.
I'm really sorry I'm late.
- Ok honey, get him hard.
- Huh?
- You've got some approach, Phil.
- Uh, Miss, honey, uh
what's your name?
- Daisy. Daisy Cheney.
- Well Daisy, didn't they explain to
you in casting what was expected
of you for this screen test?
- Well sort of, I guess.
- Then you do understand that Lance
Hardy is going to insert his thus
swollen penis into your warm, moist
vagina, and plunge it in and out
for as long as possible, until
hopefully you two experience
the primal pleasure of an orgasm?
But, before any of this can take place
first, he must have an erection.
And that is what we are
asking of you now.
- Well just tell me what you
want me to do.
- For God's sake girl didn't your
mother teach you anything?
Tickle his asshole, titty fuck him,
suck his toes,
sit on his face, work it by hand,
do anything,
just fuckin' do it!
- Um, excuse us for a minute, ok?
Good.
Don't mind him he is a little
nervous I guess.
I was late so it was really my
fault.
He's really hollering at me not
hollering at you.
Now this is very simple all we
have to do is, uh...
It's simpler than you think. Yeah,
do you have a boyfriend?
- No.
- Well you've had one at one time,
right?
- Right.
- You know when you made love to him
all the little things that you did
and how much fun it was?
That's just about what we are going
to do here.
It's very simple. It's not any special
thing you have to do.
Just be yourself, and you only
need one pussy.
- Ok.
- And I think you'll love it.
I'll teach you everything you
have to know.
Have you ever sucked cock before?
- Yeah.
- You did?
- Sort of.
- A little bit, huh?
So it's really very easy.
Just sort of like what you
did before.
Just think about that.
- Geez it's so big!
- Is it really?
- Yeah!
- Here why don't you go down
on it.
(slow synthesizer music)
Keep it in there.
That's it.
- It's like sucking an ice
cream cone.
- See it's alright, isn't it?
- Mhmm.
- Now do it with, uh...
Yeah that's it. A little stronger.
Yeah that's it.
Just have fun.
You see? It's not so fuckin' hard.
To do I mean, you just
gotta relax.
- I think she's got it!
By George she's got it!
Lance Hardy has risen
and so has my salary! Places
everyone, get ready for a take.
Heat 'em up.
Roll sound!
Mark.
Action!
(upbeat electronic music)
- Tell me.
- They are.
- They are what?
- They are sensitive.
- Just think, these were wrapped
around
that beautiful ass of yours.
And this was just hugging...
that sweet pussy.
Is that on your clit?
(giggles)
I don't know it's not on my clit.
(moaning)
- Cut! Print it! Alright, great!
Sensational! Really fucking
sensational!
- She's a natural, what can I say?
- Hi!
- Hi Ginger, come on in.
You look great, you want a drink?
- Oh, uh, I'll get it.
So, um, how's the biggest cock
in Hollywood?
Your leading man.
- That arrogant asshole and I
will no longer be working together.
I have found a new leading man though.
- That won't be easy Linda,
the Lance Hardy schlong is legendary.
- Oh yeah he's a terrific lover, too
bad he's so inconsiderate.
- Ah, could this be love?
- So did you bring your equipment?
- Oh yeah sure. You know I've only
done rock stars before.
Who is this guy? Is he your new
boyfriend?
- He's gonna be a big star in the
movies.
- You mean your kind of movies?
Mmm he must really be hung.
What's his name? Is he cute?
Is he circumcised?
- That's him now.
- Hi.
- Hi!
I didn't know you had company.
- Oh, Bud Cochran this is
Ginger Glover
- Hi.
- Want something to drink?
- Yeah you got a beer?
- Sure.
Make yourself at home.
- How you doing?
- Great.
He's cute Linda!
I think I am going to enjoy
casting him.
- What does she mean cast me?
Does she work for your studio?
- She's going to preserve you
for posterity.
- I don't get it.
- Well she's going to make a plaster
cast of your cock.
- No she isn't.
- Oh it won't hurt you'll love it.
- You know your a bunch of degenerates
you know that don't you?
- Yeah.
- You got that right.
- Let's get his pants off.
- Alright.
- Now cut it out now this isn't funny.
- Oh come on.
- Hey this is humiliating to me,
alright. We just met.
- I'm just going to cast you, not
castrate you.
- Come one let's get these pants off.
- This is sick!
- Get in there!
- We'll need some water.
- This is sick! Degenerate!
- I've got some right here.
- I know perverted.
Have a seat.
- What are you gonna do now?
- Well lets get his pants off
and get him hard.
I can't make the casting unless
he's good and hard.
- Come on now.
Look I don't cotton to being
made a fool of, alright.
No.
- You're gonna love this.
- Come on you want this. Help me
a little bit.
- You're wrong alright.
- Here let's get this under his ass,
I don't want to make a mess.
- What are you worried about
the furniture?
- I'm not worried about a thing,
honey.
Underwear too, we can't do it
through the underwear you know.
- I sure hope you don't hurt me. I
mean I'm a gentleman at times ma'am...
- Oh it is going to be excruciating!
You're gonna love it.
- Shit.
Geez I feel like I am at the dentist.
I can never get hard now.
Well I might get hard.
- It's time to cast this dick.
Let's do it.
- How am I gonna get this off when
it hardens?
- Well you can keep it up forever,
stud. When you get smaller it will
slide right off.
I think I'll use bronze so that even
when you are gone
your mighty organ will remain as in
life always ready for another recital.
Just give it a couple minutes for the
plaster to harden and we are all set.
- Ginger, you know, you're a
master cock caster.
- Thank you.
- Now how am I supposed to stay hard
with this thing on?
- That's a great idea!
Now watch closely Cochran, you may
never see anything like this again.
We're gonna fuck your toes Cochran!
(laughter)
(moaning)
(accordion music)
- Ooh you give good toe, baby!
- Oh Cochran what big toes
you have!
- I give nice foot massages I'll tell
you that.
(moaning)
- Oh, I'm going to...
- No don't move!
- It's getting so hard!
- Just relax.
- I can't! I can't! Oh!
- Oh, we'll have to make another
casting.
You whip up another batch.
I'll keep him hard.
- How much water do I put in?
- Um, put in the plaster first.
About a cup.
Just eye ball it.
- Then how much water?
- About half a cup.
Then stir it.
- It was too tight. Too tight.
(groovy music)
- Hand me that dildo.
- What?
- There's a dildo in that bag.
Get it for me. Quick!
(moaning)
I think it's ready Linda, are you?
- Wait, wait a minute!
- I got it, it's right here.
- Oh!
- Well, I guess we are going to have
to make him hard again.
Ready?
- Ms. Hands, sirs.
(horns blowing)
- You two talk, I'm going down
to the Nazi sex slave
company to see how they
are doing.
Nice to see you again Linda.
- Nice seeing you Mr. Cox.
- I love him like a brother, but I
sure wish he'd see my tailor.
- Bernie, darling...
What this studio needs is a...
Big, fresh, new cock.
Attached to a nice, easy-going, and
easy to get along with young man.
- And as the sun slowly sinks over the
Western horizon we say a
not so fond farewell to Lance Hardy.
What's his name?
- Bud Cochran, well actually it's
Longstreet Cochran.
- Some screen writer made that up.
- No it's for real.
- It's too good to be true, uh, ok.
Have him here tomorrow morning.
We'll shoot a test.
- Bernie, darling! Mwah!
I know you're really going to be
impressed with him.
- Ah Linda baby, if only I wasn't
happily married to Bertha
these 28 years.
- Morning Phil.
- Ah, Linda. One of the hundred
reasons I love you so much
is you're always on time.
- Oh, so tell me another 50
or 60 reasons.
- Linda, my dear, if all my stars
were as easy to work with
as you are my life would be
so much better.
- Thanks Phil.
- Is, uh, this the new star?
- Oh Bud, this is Phil Parker.
Now he's directed all of my pictures
and he's the very best.
- Phil, this is Bud Cochran.
- How do you do?
- How you doing.
- Now I want you to remember that
name. He's going to be very big.
Of course he's already pretty big.
But what I mean to say is that
he is going to be well known.
Oh and Phil, I just want to tell
you how much I appreciate
you doing Bud's screen test.
Who's he working with?
- Ah, you, Ms. uh, come over here
I want to introduce you.
Linda, Bud this is, uh, what's your
name?
- Daisy, Daisy Cheney.
- Ah, Daisy, this is Ms. Hand.
- Oh, Ms. Hand, I've seen all your
pictures. You give the greatest head.
- Well thank you.
- And this is Bud Cochran. You'll be
working with Bud today.
- Ooh, he's cute!
- Well I'm going to leave the three
of you to your movie making magic.
- Marker.
- Ok, now try not to act too nervous
now.
Ok look right in the lens.
Ok now look back at me.
And action!
(slow piano music)
(moaning)
(jazz music)
- Well Harvey what do you think?
I say we let him play the lead
with Linda in our next picture.
- Yes, yes please say yes.
- We still have the unfinished
Matinee Idol to deal with.
We've got to honor our commitments
to our distributors.
And deliver them a Lance Hardy,
Linda Hand film.
- You mean a Linda Hand, Lance Hardy
film? Don't you Mr. Cox?
- Whatever.
- Ok, I'll finish this one film with
Lance Hardy, but it's the last
I'm ever going to work with him.
From now on my leading man is Bud
Cochran.
- Linda, Linda we'll work
something out.
I'm sorry Harvey I only...
- Bernie they got their brains
between their legs.
- Harvey they just don't realize the
attraction they have for one another.
- You know maybe you're right.
You know this studio's success
is attributable to Lance and Linda
together.
Well hell they've acted like this
towards one another ever since
the start.
Whatever is between them sure
works well on the screen.
Don't fool with a winning combination.
- Lance Hardy, I'm really glad we had
a chance to get together tonight.
You know Doris has done some research
on what you do, your lifestyle.
You know we're not squares,
we understand this sort of thing.
I think it's terrific. And I know
about your relationship with
your studio, Sensational
International.
And that's fine.
But I really don't think you are
getting the proper edge.
What I'm proposing, I think, will
blow the lid off the market.
And boost your career.
- Blow the lid off the market?
- Tell him Doris.
- You tell him Walter.
I'm embarrassed.
- She's embarrassed.
Lance Hardy's advice to women
about sex.
- What?
- To women about sex.
Written by Lance Hardy!
- Lance Hardy advice about sex?
- For women.
- Tell him the clincher Doris
- Hard cover. Best Seller.
My husband will publish a book that
you will write.
That gives advice to women
about sex.
- I think it will make the New York
Times best seller list,
and probably run for a year.
I'm talking something very big.
- Yeah?
- I think it's sensational. Doris came
up with the idea.
I'm the publisher, I'm handling the
overall package.
You know the financing. Doris will
work out the details with you.
How it's going to work, she'll edit
it, the whole thing.
Doris do me a favor. Take him
home, go over the details with him.
Will you do that for him?
Show him how it works?
You got any questions, no problem.
I gotta get out of here.
Alright Doris? You'll take him home?
- Sure darling.
- You look good, you look
good. Great.
- You've got a nice place here.
So, uh, you want me to do a little
book, write a book, huh.
- Listen Lance, Walter will never
find out about this.
He could never understand how
I really feel about you.
Only I understand Lance.
I know what you feel.
- You know what I feel?
- Listen to me Lance, I'm talking
about a relationship here.
- Mrs. Michaels...
- Doris.
- Doris, look Doris you don't
understand what this business is like.
And I'm not really the way you
think I am.
- I know. I know Lance.
So you just relax and stay right here.
And don't move.
I'm going to slip into something...
- More comfortable.
- More expressive.
- I gotta get out of here.
Maybe I'll stay.
I mean she's not that bad looking.
She's cute, and a good piece
of ass maybe.
Who the fuck will know?
Nah I better go. No this isn't...
I'll stay... No. Yeah I'll stay.
I'll stay. I'll stay.
I'll stay.
- Just relax and lie there darling.
I'll do everything.
- I gotta get out of here.
- What a bad sport. Hmph.
- With warmest regards...
- Sensational International Pictures.
- Harvey D. Cox, Chairman of the
Board.
- Bernard A. Kuntz, President.
Thank you Dorothy, that'll
be all.
- You're welcome sir.
- Oh, hi Dorothy how's my favorite
secretary?
- I'm doing well Mr. Hardy,
thank you.
- You know you look very...
Respectable.
- You look well yourself, sir.
- Well thank you Mr. Hardy for
honoring us with your
esteemed presence.
- Cut the crap Bernie, get to the
point.
What did you want to see me about?
- We want you to finish Matinee Idol
with Linda.
- Well what about that other actress
we tested? Daisy, uh...
What's her name?
- Daisy Cheney, yes, her test looked
great, just great.
But...
- But, we've got to recoup our money
from Matinee Idol.
And the only way to do that is for you
and Linda both to finish the picture.
- Supposed I agree. Then how are you
going to get Linda to go along
with this?
- We've already talked to Linda,
and she's agreed.
She's gonna cooperate fully.
- And then after Matinee Idol is
completed, we can drop Linda
and replace her with Daisy in the
next film.
- Crazy. How do you drop Linda
Hand?
- We don't need two female stars
in one lot.
- Now Linda's too old.
She's over the hill.
- I think your partner is going
a little whacky.
I think you're crazy! Linda Hand
past her prime? She's the best!
She can still raise every cock from
here to the East Coast.
Including a couple of old
men that I know.
(laughter)
Alright when do you want
to resume film?
- Tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock
sharp. So be there.
- Oh I'll be there.
- I told you Bernie, they've
got their brains between their legs.
- If you two are ready, I'd uh,
like to get started.
Places everyone, get ready for
a take. Heat em' up.
Roll sound.
Mark.
Action!
(slow music)
- You know I was following you
all that time, didn't you?
Huh? I was watching you.
Did you know that?
- Yeah I knew it.
- You want this cock, don't you?
- Oh, yeah, give it to me!
- I'm not your husband. You can talk
to him that way, but you can't
talk to me that way.
I give you what I want,
when I want it.
You understand?
You bitch, how does it feel
to have a dick in you?
- I love it!
- That's because your husband
doesn't have a cock, right?
- Not like yours he doesn't.
Fuck me.
- I can't fuck you with money.
That's what you get off your
old man, huh, money.
You're such a fucking whore.
- You love bitches.
- That's why I'm fucking one.
- Let's cut and go for a new
angle now.
- Lance.
I just want you to know that
I'm really sorry about... You know...
- No, no, no there's no reason
to apologize.
It was my fault.
- Well I guess, actually, we both have
reason to apologize.
- Yeah, I guess.
- Ah, it's nice to see you two
aren't fighting.
Ok ready everybody we are
back in business.
Places everyone! Get ready for a take.
Heat em' up.
- Now hold on a second, I,
uh...
Uh, I'm not hard.
Try to get my dick up
anyways.
You don't mind, do you?
- No.
- Gotta get back in character.
- The camera is just on your faces.
Can't we get this thing shot?
- Hey I'm gonna tell you something.
I've got to be inside her, alright?
- It's alright Lance we're holding.
- I do this soft core stuff it's ok,
I don't want to pretend.
I want to feel it.
- If we don't start soon we will
be into over time, Lance.
- You know sometimes your...
- It's ok.
- Don't get me upset, alright?
Jesus.
- Roll sound.
Mark.
Action!
- I love your big dick.
Fuck me.
Turn me over.
- What?
- Turn me over.
I want you to see my ass.
You like that?
Just pull it down, come on.
You got it.
(moaning)
Fuck me!
Oh, I want your big dick!
Fuck me!
(moaning)
Fuck me!
Grab my ass! Grab it!
Fuck me!
(moaning)
- And cut! Beautiful! Beautiful!
(film crew mumbling)
Wrap for the day!
- Hey!
How about dinner sometime?
- Really?
I'd like that.
(upbeat music)
(murmuring to each other)
(giggling)
- Hey nice place you have.
- You know I don't think
I've ever been happier, Lance.
- Yeah?
Is that before or after you locked
me out of the house?
- Would you like a drink?
- I'd love one, thanks.
You know you made Daisy and Bud
very happy too.
If it wasn't for you they'd never
have met.
- If it wasn't for you they would
have never met.
- You need to tell me something,
uh...
You think, uh...
You think you could marry me?
- No.
- A hard man is good to find.
- But you didn't let me finish.
What I meant to say is,
why do you want to marry me?
- Ah, let me see. This might
take a while.
If you say yes, I'll spend the
rest of our lives telling you why.
- You know this is the first
time we are alone together.
(melodic piano music)
(upbeat drum music)
- Mr. and Mrs. Cochran. By the power
vested in me,
by the state of California.
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
- And Mr. Hardy and Ms. Hand,
I just want to tell you
how much my wife and I
enjoy watching your films.
- Thank you your honor.
- Thanks you. Thank you very much.
Bud congratulations!
- Thank you Mr. Hardy.
- Thank you so much.
- Daisy, congratulations.
- Thanks Lance.
- Very best of luck to you both.
- Thank you, thank you, sir.
- Bye, bye. Have a safe trip!
- So long!
- So you got married? I'll send you
a wedding gift.
Who?
Daisy? I thought you and Linda, she...
You what?!
She what?!
- You and who? I thought you were
sweet on what's her name?
Linda's what? Come on Lance
quit kidding.
You're what? Hello? Hello?
- (in unison) They quit, both of them,
all of them.
- What do we do Bernie?
- Some where in this
star struck town
there's gotta be another guy with a
big cock, a pretty face,
able to cum on que.
You, fella. You out there. How about
you? You want to be a Matinee Idol?
(upbeat music)