Almost got hung myself once.
Didn't care for it much.
How about you?
We'll leave you now.
Don't want anyone to see me here...
...get the crazy notion that I was
somehow connected with your...
...accidental death.
On the other hand...
...it's not good for a man
to be out here alone.
The mind can do terrible things.
Enjoy the company.
Oh, snakes!
Don't go without me,
all right, OIlie?
Lord...
...whatever I've done
to piss you off...
...if you'd just
get me out of this...
...let me know what it was,
I'll rectify the situation.
It had just been a shitty week
for me from the beginning.
It all started when I was heading
into Crystal River...
... to take some money
from the bank.
I should've known there was
bad luck on the horizon...
... when my horse got stolen...
... and I had to replace it
with less than a thoroughbred.
My luck had to change fast.
The poker game of the century
was four days away in St. Louis...
... and I was still $3,000 short
of the entrance fee.
There was no way in hell
I would miss that game.
It wasn't only the half-million
dollar pot to be won...
... though that kind of money
certainly demands attention...
... but I needed to know
how good I really was.
Once and for all.
I had to hole up here
for the night.
Business would have to wait
till morning.
- Hello, sir.
- Hi, son.
How much?
On a day, week or month?
Not to take care of him, how much
to just take him. Permanently.
This man wants to sell a burro.
That burro ain't worth a dollar.
You got yourself a deal.
Here's your dollar.
He doesn't eat much,
but he's a regular jackass.
And he always likes
to be called Arthur.
From the moment I slapped eyes
on this hombre , I smelled trouble...
... and refried beans.
Something else told me that this
was not just a chance meeting.
I'll see your 10
and I'll raise you 10.
I call.
- What do you got?
- Full house.
That beats me.
Damn. You are a lucky lady.
Is this seat taken?
It is now.
My name is Annabelle Bransford.
What do they call you?
Bret Maverick.
I'm pleased to meet you.
I like the game the way it is.
Well, I bring all sorts
of pluses to the table.
I hardly ever bluff
and I never, ever cheat.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
I like the game just the way it is.
What good is an empty chair?
Indeed.
I'll bet I can change your mind.
I promise that I will lose
for at least an hour.
Sounds good.
My kind of player.
We're playing five-card draw.
Please, sit down.
My name is
Mrs. Annabelle Bransford.
I caught that before, ma'am.
Except the "Mrs."
Ante up.
I'm in.
Same game. Chips, sir.
You can lose as much as you want.
Two hundred.
- You did say you'd lose for an hour.
- I'm a man of my word.
I know.
Place your bets.
It's about time.
I'll see you...
...and raise you 20.
Slow down,
I'm running low on chips.
I'll see your bet and...
...I'll call.
Two pair. Aces over queens.
Lucky for me, I had 3 sixes.
Sorry.
Nice pot.
Broke your losing streak.
That one shouldn't count.
Beg your pardon?
I don't think
that hand should count.
You got any logical reasons
why not?
My mind wasn't on the game.
His mind wasn't on the...
What's your name, son?
Johnny.
You got a last name?
Johnny Hardin.
What's your occupation?
I'm a gunfighter.
I have to assume
since you're still alive...
...and playing cards with us...
...that you're good at it.
Care to find out?
Gentlemen, this hand definitely
does not count. Take it all.
Whatever you think's fair, and
I'll be content with the leavings.
You always been gutless?
I think so. For as long
as I can remember at any rate.
My old pappy used to say,
"He who fights and runs away...
...can run away another day."
What?
Look, I don't see...
Slow down there!
Where's the fire, son?
Slow down. Don't shoot me, okay?
I'm just trying to... expound.
I was saying, I don't see
what's so great about being brave.
I'm a card player.
Call me a gambler.
I want to become an old gambler.
You are a gunfighter.
An exceptional one at that,
from what I hear.
If I went up against you, what
chance would I have had? Answer?
Zero.
Absolutely none whatsoever.
Again?
Damn thing won't stay
in the holster.
I must have a spring in there.
Come on, let's just play poker.
Who wants to play poker?
Who wants to see
someone get killed?
Let's play poker.
I'd rather be rich than dead.
Was that fast?
I thought that was fast.
Was it fast? Was it?
What was it?
Stud?
I think I prefer draw!
Just kidding.
Sorry. I couldn't resist it.
My ante's in.
I'll raise you $75.
That takes care of your bet.
And I'll raise you whatever that is,
looks like 100.
Shit! I fold.
You didn't pay to look...
You said you never bluffed.
I had a pair of aces!
No, I said I never cheated
and I also said I hardly ever bluff.
This is one of the "hardlys."
You've been cheating
the whole game.
What do you think I was doing
during that first hour?
I was learning your "tells."
Your weakness comes
when you get your hand...
...shuffle the cards back and forth
and act a little fidgety.
I just called you a cheat!
You also called me gutless...
...but I figured
you were just teasing.
Get your hands off him!
We get him first!
When I seen you through the window,
I believed in the Almighty.
You were drinking.
A lot. And you played bad.
Whose fault is that?
Yours, you bastard!
It's all your fault!
It's our time now.
There's going to be a fight.
Come here, son.
I want you
to hold onto this for me.
If they get to whupping me...
...you can shoot me.
See this doesn't get dirty.
Good luck!
I'm going to cut you up...
...fancy man!
You're a pretty good fighter.
- I'm glad I didn't have to kill you.
- Me too.
By the way, I won 20 cents.
Thanks to my lucky shirt.
Speaking of my 20 cents...
All right! My shirt's damaged!
Damn!
What the hell else bad
can happen? You!
What did you say before?
You called me something.
Nothing important.
He called you a gutless coward.
I did not say that. I might've said
a gutless cheat...
Cheat? Cheat?
...but I was teasing.
Teasing?
I don't like being teased.
My friend, I'm sorry.
Now I'm teasing you.
Let's play poker.
Let me get your chair.
That was truly amazing.
I just get lucky sometimes.
Whose deal was it? Mine?
Excuse me. Think I'm through
with y'all for the evening.
G'night, ma'am.
Good night, son.
Five-card draw all right?
Whatever.
Mind if I take six?
Little poker humor.
I'm just teasing you again.
Who is it?
Annabelle Bransford.
I shouldn't be doing this.
You're just standing
in the hallway.
That's still legal in this state.
If only I weren't a married woman.
I couldn't help myself.
My very being cried out
to hold you.
Stop by anytime.
I know we may never
see each other again...
...so I think it's safe to say...
...you are the most...
...blindingly attractive man
that I've ever seen.
Goodbye.
How can I possibly go on...
...without my wallet?
If you don't give me back my money,
I'll have you jailed.
Don't get mad at me. I can't help it
if you're a miserable thief.
I'm a very good thief.
I just been having...
...bad luck.
I know what that's all about.
Where're you from? Your accent
could use some work too.
Most gentlemen enjoy my Southern.
That's not in dispute.
But I'll bet there is no
Mr. Bransford, is there?
No, there isn't and there never
will be, thank you very much.
Now what do we do?
You're not gonna turn me in?
I am law-abiding.
It's my duty to turn you in.
I'm afraid I'll have to.
What the hell! I got my money back
and there's no harm done.
Let's just call it square,
shall we?
Damn!
What?
Well, you're just so irritating
and likeable.
I have to work on that, I guess.
There you go, all likable again.
I think...
...had we known each other
under different circumstances...
...we'd have hated each other.
There's no Mrs. Maverick, is there?
I'm sure I would've remembered.
May I?
I wish we'd never met.
Goodbye.
Son of a bitch!
Can I be of some help?
You must admit
I was better this time.
Not just better.
You were good.
- I was?
- Not just good. Very good!
Thank you.
And now...
...it's time you do
something I want.
How dare you? I'm a lady.
Not in a million years!
Not if you were 100 years old.
Not if I was 100.
I don't want
to go to bed with you.
Why not?
I'd be too frightened!
If I dozed, God knows
what parts of me you'd steal.
I'd wake up with
all sorts of things missing.
But I don't know
how to clean this...
...and you must know how to.
The laundry's closed,
I leave early and you owe me.
Easy on the starch.
If I can't touch you,
I can touch your shirt and dream.
- Want a hand?
- Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
Good night, Bert.
Bret. That's my name. Bret.
Good morning.
Is Eugene in?
Yes, sir, but he's busy.
Get up, you bald-headed reprobate!
On your feet!
I need some cash.
Empty your pockets on the desk.
Shut up!
- Put the cash on the table.
- I don't have any.
Robbery!
It's my friend Bret saying hello.
Tell everybody everything's okay.
Son of a bitch!
Silly bastard!
How are you, Eugene?
Things couldn't be worse, Bret.
I know I owe you $1,000.
I came for it.
Would you take 100?
I've never welshed on a debt.
Give me to year's end.
The end of the..?
Eugene, I need that money right now!
For the All Rivers
Poker Championship.
- How much it cost to enter that?
- $25,000.
I'm $3,000 short,
but with Joseph and you...
Pork Chop Slim owed me too...
...but his widow used the money
for his funeral.
They never found the body.
What?
They never found his body.
The widow conned me.
What's with people nowadays?
I know what you mean. You can't
trust them. Take my last 100.
Not your last 100.
What about Matilda and the kid?
Bank robbery!
You heard him! Bank robbery!
I'll take this, gunslinger.
Much obliged.
Empty your pockets, old man.
I got a silver dollar.
Do better!
My trigger finger's itchy.
All right, don't shoot.
Don't shoot!
Take it.
Hundreds and thousands!
You said you were broke?!
I am now! He's got it.
And I'll get the rest too!
I don't have any more.
Pull those pockets out.
Son of a bitch! Hurry up!
Give me that!
Blow the safe!
Light up!
Heads down, everybody!
I'm getting too old for this shit!
You sons of bitches
beat me by a day!
You're holding out.
That's all I got left.
Nothing to worry about.
We want to talk to you, pal.
Where're you going?
Got you now!
- Anybody see you?
- Not a soul.
You come in any later last night,
that monster would've eaten me alive.
We saw that.
Anybody suspect anything?
Not a thing. You were great!
The truth is, we enjoyed it.
No kidding.
Thanks for taking it so easy on us.
Easy?
Those were my best shots.
The one there
rung my bell a little bit.
- That's good.
- You owe us five dollars apiece.
Damn right.
That's $5 a beating, right?
You won't believe this.
They cleaned the bank and me out.
I'm gonna have to owe you.
Are you saying...
...you don't have our money
for taking your best shots?
- Killing me won't make you richer.
- But it'll make me feel better.
You got a point there.
Let's see here.
I'm sorry. I forgot!
I honestly forgot.
I always keep something pinned
inside my vest...
...for such a rainy day occasion.
It's a good thing.
It was clouding up pretty quick.
That's a $100 bill.
A $100 bill!?
But I do need some change.
Let's see what we got here.
I got 17 here.
$17? You owe me $8 for a month.
- We'll settle that later.
- You always cheat me.
I can't believe you!
Close enough. You came out
better than you think.
Nice working with you.
You keep this
under your hats, okay?
News travels fast in the old West.
That's $25 apiece.
Since I was a kid,
I believed I had a gift.
That if I thought hard enough
about a card...
... I'd be able
to cut straight to it.
My old pappy always said
I was a damn fool. But I knew...
... if I really believed
and made it happen...
... that would be
nothing short of magic.
Of course it didn't always work.
What do I expect!
In fact, it never worked.
Ah, sweet woman!
Lucky shirt.
Wait! You!
Hold up the ferry!
Wait for me!
You did this on purpose!
You bet I did!
This is my lucky shirt.
Do your own laundry then.
My underwear comes from New York.
You got any idea
where this shirt was made, lady?
Paris, France, that's where!
You think I can go to the nearest
store and get another!
Why don't you try
the kiddie department?
Remove your hands from the lady.
When you least expect it,
your hero arrives.
Zane Cooper. Folks call me Coop.
Suits me just fine.
This creature's named Maverick
and I'm Annabelle Bransford.
- I'll be taking this coach.
- So am I.
That ought to be fun.
Lord knows what he'd have done,
alone in the stage for two days.
I hope you can relax
and enjoy the journey now.
See, my feeling is
that if there weren't any women...
...none of us would be here.
What kind of sense does that make?
If there were no men,
we wouldn't be here either.
Are you mocking me?
Don't get ruffled.
I was agreeing with you
in a totally unusual way.
What would this world come to
without gentlemen like yourself?
A passenger! Come ahead.
Right this way, sir. Want a hand?
I'm the driver.
Are you all right?
Why does everybody ask me that?
Get me up there so we can
get this thing going.
I think it's about time
we get to know each other.
Mr. Maverick has aspirations
to be a card player.
I'm not totally ignorant of cards.
Can't be in my line of work.
- And pray what might that be?
- Lawman.
I bet you're the best there is.
I can tell things about a man.
I can't quite place your accent.
Where in the South are you from?
Ever been to Mobile?
That's where I'm from.
Mobile, Alabama?
Hell, I been there.
I'll bet we know the same people.
You start.
I've tried so hard
to forget that place.
I endured
such personal tragedy there.
A woman's suffering
is not a funny thing, Bertie.
There are exceptions.
Watch your billfold.
Hey, old-timer!
The thief and the old guy
find it bumpy back here!
How could you face them all down?
Nine men, all of them armed?
A man gives his word to do his job,
he's honorbound to do it.
- Weren't you afraid?
- A mite.
Mr. Maverick
doesn't believe in bravery.
I think bravery's a fine thing...
...just overrated is all
and doesn't suit me personally.
I just realized something.
What's that?
You're spineless.
Yes. It's kept me alive
a long time.
You fellas got a problem?
Heavens to Betsy, no!
What's the joke?
- You, Pancho. You're the joke.
- Explain that.
You'll have to pay us more money
than Maverick did.
He paid you to fall down?
Paid us good too.
A $100 bill.
That's a good day's work.
You fellas ought to see me first.
I'd a let you fall down for free.
Maverick is mine, anyway.
But this time it's personal.
$100 bill!
Is he taking a short cut?
Hey, old-timer, wake up!
Is he asleep?
It's more serious than that,
he's dead.
Get up and stop the stage.
I just put a fresh shirt on.
You stop the stage.
This wheel's loose.
If it comes off, we're all dead.
Go up and stop the stage.
I'll take care of the wheel.
- Give me your hat.
- It better fit me when I come back.
Now, Bert...
...stop playing around
and stop those horses.
This is serious!
- He'll be fine. He's pretty handy.
- He is?
Why don't you fix the wheel?
The wheel is perfect.
Then help him. He'll kill you
when he gets back.
No, in the long run,
he'll thank me in his prayers.
What's he doing back there?
Sorry!
- Stop fooling around!
- You poked me in the eye!
Get up there and stop the horses!
Whoa, horses! Stop!
- Let me help you.
- I got it.
What's with the wheel?
- It's fine.
- Nothing was wrong with it.
I know, I got a real good...
...close look at the wheels
from underneath.
Don't you feel better about yourself
for being so brave?
- Wasn't that exciting?
- I get it.
This was all for my benefit.
To help me build character.
- Exactly.
- He's bursting with pride.
That's funny. You'd think
I'd be mad, wouldn't you?
Give me your hand.
Don't ever...
...try and help me again.
You either.
Now back off.
Back off!
Go away.
Ungrateful!
Help.
What?
Help.
What did you say?
Please help me.
Okay. Take my hand.
You take my hand.
Take my other hand.
Watch the cactus!
I don't care about the cactus.
Just get me up there.
You're doing good.
Now get your hands off me!
Ungrateful.
I suppose somebody ought to say
something nice about the deceased.
How do we know he was nice?
We know nothing about him.
The only thing he's got in
his wallet is names of whorehouses.
Trouble!
"Though I walk through the valley...
...of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil..."
- They got hit by Indians.
- Yeah, they were Injuns.
Ma'am, it was not Indians.
I seen them.
They were wearing war paint.
If it was Indians...
I said we'd take them
to Crystal City.
- That's backtracking.
- Just a day.
I have a game to get to.
I know what you have to get to.
- They took my girl's music box.
- My favorite!
They took the wagon with our money.
Simmer down.
How much money?
- What kind of animal are you?
- Vulture.
How much money was that?
$30,000.
We were starting a mission.
If I get back your $30,000,
is it worth 10 percent to you?
No, 10 percent, Mary Margaret.
I want my wedding dress back
for when I find a husband.
All right. Can you do it?
- I know we can.
- Praise the Lord!
I'll give you your 10 percent,
but make those savages suffer.
I'm telling you, there are
no hostile Indians around here.
Those are definitely drums.
Right again, Bert.
It's Bret.
Well?
They look like dimples in dirt,
but they're horse tracks.
Besides, they're shod horse tracks.
Indians don't shoe their ponies.
They're Indians.
They probably stole the ponies.
- Not everybody's like you.
- What is it with you and Indians?
Nothing. I try and shoot one a day,
if possible. How about you, Coop?
It's their fault, too, for being
on our land before we got here.
- What are you doing here?
- We're partners. 50-50.
Sounds like 50-50 to me.
You want 50% too?
I want those ladies
to get their money.
Oh, fine.
I don't split my bounty
with anybody.
Would 60-40 be agreeable?
What'll you do for your 40%?
I'll help.
I don't know about 70-30. You're not
exactly an experienced tracker.
Some tracker you are, following
a few horses. Anyone can do that.
Anyone?
See that hawk?
I won't shoot the hawk.
You know what that hawk means?
Nothing. But you didn't know that.
- I did!
- You didn't.
Children! Children!
You smell a bunch of Indians
in Montana?
Now be quiet.
What is it?
What do you hear?
Nothing.
I thought I'd nap before sundown.
Sneak up on them in the dark.
What are you laughing at?
There's 6 horses there.
It's got to be them.
- You got good eyes.
- We got to tie these up.
Wait. Can you teach me
how to be a better poker player?
What, now?
You might be dead later.
I need to know now.
Poker's about observing.
Now observe the U.S. Cavalry brand
on this horse.
They're not Indian ponies.
These are tells. You got tells too.
- You play with your hair at cards.
- I do not!
Would you two shut up? Just listen!
Sounds like a music box.
There they are.
There's the music box
she talked about.
And look at that fella
in the back.
He's wearing your sweetheart's
wedding dress, Mary Margaret.
Margaret..? Mary's not my sweetheart.
You're on a first name basis.
Would you two be quiet!
You're crazy!
Did you see any money over there?
Nothing.
We could take them easy.
They're half drunk.
What's "we" doing
in your vocabulary? It's your show.
You'd just stand there and
let me face 6 guys with 6 guns?
I have 1 gun with 6 bullets.
What if they got 2? That's
Shut up. You're babbling.
You're babbling.
- No, I wasn't.
- You are babbling.
Don't worry,
they're probably drunk.
Coop faced down 9 men dead sober,
didn't you?
He's always sober.
- She didn't mean that.
- That's what she said.
I said the outlaws were sober!
What if there's trouble?
- Seriously.
- I'm right behind you.
You are?
No "wheels coming off" shit.
That was about breaking bones.
This is about dying.
Other way.
Dying. Right.
Give it to me.
It may be my last chance.
Hand it over.
How dare you?!
- I need all I can get.
- Just take your own. Why take mine?
All right, 50 percent.
All right, 60-40.
You're the fastest draw there is.
Why do you need my tiny gun?
Who said he was fastest?
Yes, it's true. I am fast.
But I can't hit shit...
...especially if I aim at real people,
so I need bullets.
You back me up.
Bret. My name is Bret.
You're Annabelle, he's Coop.
It's like you're shooting me.
Be careful, okay?
Of course.
You, too.
Hi, everyone.
Wake up!
No need to get alarmed.
I saw your fire and thought
I'd come visit for a while.
Who are you?
Bert Maverick.
I'm Bret Maverick, and I'm here
to say each one of you has a gun...
...pointed at your head.
Just whistle, so they can hear you.
You're surrounded.
Did another wheel come off?
Clap if you can't whistle!
See? They're out there.
Zane Cooper will blow your brains
out. Probably heard of him.
I know, you're thinking
he's old and decrepit.
But he can still shoot straight.
After you is Ugly Annie Bransford.
She came out backwards when
she was born, but nobody noticed.
As a kid, they tied a pork chop
on her neck so the dog...
...would play with her.
When she's making love, she has
to pretend she's someone else.
You're all right, Bart.
Admit it, that was funny.
I don't think so.
Some Indians
attacked a wagon train.
Folks said it might be whites acting
like Indians, but I don't believe it.
If you come along with me,
we'll settle this matter.
Just follow me. Get up.
Get up. Get in a line and let's go.
You'll remember this!
- Aren't you going to help him?
- A man could get killed doing that.
Did you just help him?
Shot my whiskey bottle!
That's my gun!
Damn you!
Isn't he wonderful?
Look at that!
They're all gone.
Isn't it wonderful?
- I'll be rich!
- It was nothing, really.
I'll tell you what you did wrong.
Where's the money?
- Take off that dress!
- How dare you!
- Not you. Him.
- Put that cash down!
- I found it!
- I nearly got blown away!
- I'll take the money.
- I'll count it for you.
Don't let her touch it!
Where are you going?
Stay here and clean up your mess.
Be mature. Clean up this mess.
Get back!
Put those guns down and line up.
Don't let her get
within 10 yards of that cash!
I have found you. For He said,
"Seek and ye shall find."
And I have found you. Oh, rejoice!
Bless you. Bless you for finding
my wedding dress.
Now I can get married. The Lord
thinks it's good to bear children.
It's a beautiful dress.
$2,500...
...$2,600...
...$2,800...
$2,700, ma'am.
- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.
She'd know.
$2,700...
...$2,800...
...900.
$3,000.
Here Mr. Maverick,
the 10 percent we promised.
That leaves us with $27,000,
Margaret Mary.
That's not enough
to start a mission.
Don't worry, we are honorable women.
We promised Mr. Maverick...
...$3,000 and we delivered.
The Lord will provide for us.
My pappy used to say...
...things such as, "Never sneeze
when you hide or smile when you lie.
And never,
under any circumstances...
...take money from women who've lost
a dog, a wedding dress and a wagon."
Hallelujah!
I lost a wedding dress!
We have got our money back.
Saint Maverick!
We had a deal.
You owed me my 30 percent.
I'm a man of my word. You can have
I hate to interrupt,
but I got a problem.
If those renegades
weren't real Indians...
...who was beating those drums?
Maybe it was them.
I'll take care of this.
Get that?
You know about Indians.
Can you speak to him?
I'll do my best.
What's he say?
It seems we've committed
a terrible sin.
We're on sacred ground.
We didn't know we were on
sacred ground. Can't you tell him?
His gods demand a sacrifice.
There's no way out of it.
Sacrifice?
Human.
We can go if one of us
passes a bravery test...
...but one of us
must go with him.
What's the bravery test?
You see that?
He cuts off your hands.
If you don't make a sound, you pass.
I'll die before I let him touch you!
There's too many of them!
You're right. Don't show fear!
It makes them crazy.
One of us must go,
or there'll be bloodshed.
- I'll go.
- No, I'll go.
I owe you. I almost
got you killed twice already.
I can't do what you can.
You get these people to safety.
I'll go, but it's okay.
Third time lucky.
I liked it just now
when you called me Bret.
One thing.
What, Bret?
When you bluff, never tap
your fingernails on your teeth.
That's your second giveaway.
Even at a time like this,
you think of others.
Goodbye, my lady.
You were right.
I never felt better in my life
than I do right now.
Take care of yourself.
When they...
...cut my hands off,
my lucky shirt'll fit.
Bye, Bret.
What was that all about?
My throat is killing me.
Tell you later.
I could die happy right now.
Where'd you get this piece of junk?
I won it off a Russian at poker.
Okay, watch out for it!
My bicycle! Look at that!
I think I'll stick to a horse.
Why are they laughing?
Nobody's ever ridden it before.
You sure do pick the spots.
I know.
Next time you people drive us
off our land, I'll find...
...some swampland so awful
maybe you'll leave us alone.
Is that good?
What's with the drums
and war paint and horses?
We had a lousy year.
Not much hunting. When this Russian
archduke, who gave me the bike...
...came and wanted to see
the real West, I said, "Okay."
He pays well.
We get dressed up in war paint
and whoop around like idiots.
He wants me to speak like
they say in books: "How, white man!"
You people are such assholes!
Of course he's got to hear
the war drums all the time!
It gets on my nerves.
You'll move on, you'll have
the cash. What's eating you?
I don't have the $1,000 I owe you.
I knew you'd say that.
I'm sorry. You'll get it as soon
as I change my rubles into dollars.
When will that be? The big game's
only a few days away.
The big game. You need $25,000
to get into that. You're crazy.
I know that.
I suppose I have to win
the $3,000 a day or so before.
With your $1,000,
I'll only need to win $2,000.
Wait!
You've got $22,000?
Cash?
Not frog skins.
I've never seen $22,000.
I've never seen 25.
This is terrible.
Can I see it?
Why not?
- Can I touch it?
- You can roll in it.
Where is it?
Where else?
What is this stuff?
- Very funny.
- What?
It's newspaper!
You all right? Was it the food?
I'll kill her!
Annabelle!
How could she rob me when I was
going off to face my doom?
You were going to cut my hands off
and she robbed me!
Pull yourself together!
Everyone's looking.
I got your money. Just wanted
to see how you'd react.
I was just teasing.
Teasing?
I don't like being teased.
I'll kill you!
You'll be dead and I'll be happy.
Did you say, "dead"?
I just got an idea.
Big asshole.
How, white man!
Hello, Noble Savage.
I've had a terrible day.
I kill every animal in sight...
...and it's boring me. Boring.
Maybe His Largeness be interested
in greatest Western thrill of all.
What is it?
Come, come!
What is best Western thrill?
Kill Injun.
Is it legal?
White man been doing it for years
but much wampum needed.
How much?
One thousand.
One thousand?
Would not have to tie him?
That wouldn't be sporting.
No, he'll lose, but easy hit.
Dying anyway.
Smoke too much tobacco.
Put out of misery.
Deal?
Deal.
Me go find and give him courage.
Indian law say death private thing.
You wait here.
Well, who else?
Did you fix his gun?
He wouldn't let go of it.
Great!
What's in it for me if I die?
I got him up to $500.
Worth the risk.
$250 each.
I'm the one taking all the risk.
Why do you need $250?
So, Arch!
Look sick.
Tell him to run.
Wrong!
Why?
I don't want to lose the light.
Indian shot by white man's weapon
not reach happy hunting ground.
Indian die by Indian way.
I never used one of those.
Never!
Real easy, see?
No wonder you people were
so easy to conquer. Give me it!
$2,000.
$2,000. Give me that.
Come, come!
Shit!
I killed him.
I really killed him!
Will you leave him
for the vultures?
Never liked him much anyway.
Come, we get the money now.
Partner, we did it!
We did it. Yeah, we did it.
He could have killed me.
- Arrows missing, bullets whizzing...
- We had to make it look real.
Real? You knew
he'd miss me by this much!
- Shoot this.
- You shoot it.
I'll show you something.
I'll give you
a 5-second head start.
I saved your life!
Shoot it. I'll show you.
- That's not funny.
- Hurts, doesn't it?
Anybody who shoots my bow
can't use their hand for half a day.
And fresh from the mint.
All yours. You earned it.
I'd kiss you, but there's people.
Don't do that.
Guess you'll go.
How will I explain I got away...
...with my hands still attached?
Tell them you got us all drunk
and escaped in the confusion.
Nobody'll believe that.
It's stupid.
You people believe anything.
Besides, that's not $500.
What is it?
I got the big dunce up to $1,000.
From $500 to $1,000?
- Who's the best?
- He would've gone for $2,000.
That's pushing it, really.
All I need now is another $2,000.
You'll win it soon.
With my luck,
I'll lose this thousand.
Hey, hey, what's this?
You insult me by counting it?
I'm sorry Joseph, but lately,
my friends, even my close friends...
...have stiffed me.
Hey, Mav. What are friends for?
It's all there?
I had to hot-foot it out of there...
... as it wouldn't be long
before Joseph had a scheme...
... to help me reinvest
my newly-acquired thousand.
Goodbye, Bert.
The $2,000 wasn't the only thing
I was short on.
I was really getting short on time.
Should've paid your cowhands
a little more.
Lucky for you,
I don't mind being made a fool of.
If you hadn't done what you did,
I might've let you live.
But now I won't.
It occurred to me, before I
blacked out, he might be teasing.
Then again...
... maybe not.
That's enough, Lord.
I've found humility.
If you could get me out of this,
I don't mean to be...
...too presumptuous, but...
Thank you, Lord.
All right, OIlie.
You can stop now.
OIlie, you can stop.
You can stop. Thattaboy.
Don't go, OIlie!
Stay there.
No, don't run!
Bret Maverick! Look at you.
My hero's alive and well.
You seem happy.
Well, I am.
How ever did you escape
from those hostiles?
I'm not exactly
a whole man anymore.
My beautiful, beautiful,
perfect male.
I don't want to seem forward, but...
...I wonder,
could you loan me $4,000?
I've only been able to break even
at the poker tables these days.
That means you can't enter.
If it was within my power, I'd give
you that money in a heartbeat.
The problem is,
I'm $2,000 short myself.
And my poor, pure heart...
...was just set on it.
This wine is for peasants!
Well, set on this, Mrs. Bransford.
Just stay as pure as you are
right now and I'll be back soon.
Hunting savages,
isn't that dangerous?
It's primitive...
...but I like killing.
Excuse me,
but may I speak with you?
Do you know who I am?
No, but I do know who I am.
Maverick, Indian Affairs.
It's over for you.
Joseph talked.
I know no one with that name.
That's what he said about you when
I started investigating the murder.
But once in jail, he told the truth,
and so will you.
But, I no American.
Murder's murder, Dukey.
You face at least 10 years in jail
and a $6,000 fine.
Six? Wait, wait!
I have 6,000. Help me.
Do you know the penalty for bribing
an Indian Affairs official?
No, please, I'm going home.
Take the 6. Fix it.
- Please, take!
- All right.
The courts are overworked.
I'll give you a break.
Don't shoot any more Indians.
Excuse me,
has there been an accident?
Can I speak with you?
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Good luck, Miss Annabelle.
I got something to show you.
Close your eyes.
You're in the game.
I'm in the game!
Best be quiet.
Your goodness has no end?
Apparently not.
Heaven will kiss you for this one,
Mr. Maverick.
I just realized something.
You can't help it, can you?
You are irresistible.
Now if by some small chance you
happen to win, I'll expect my 50%.
Then I'll be expecting
my 50% of your winnings.
Perhaps we should
consider that a loan.
Let him go!
How'd you get here?
Tell me.
No, you tell me.
Why did you say you'd never let me
make it to this game?
Who's trying to stop me?
It's going to be a pleasure
playing you again.
Well, the pleasure's all yours.
Come on.
Hit it!
Welcome to my ship...
...the Lauren Belle.
And welcome to the first Annual...
...AII River's
Draw Poker Championship.
Rules are simple.
We play till we drop.
Winner takes all.
The dealer can call one break
of one hour.
If you bust, you're gone.
there's going to be...
...19 broken hearts.
Let's make it a great contest.
An honest, great contest.
For that reason...
...I've imported one of the West's
most remarkable lawmen.
Marshal Zane Cooper.
He'll run things.
Come on up here, Coop.
Thank you, Commodore.
Now players,
anyone caught cheating...
...will forfeit his entry fee
and be banned.
See these?
They're the only two allowed here.
Anyone breaking rules...
...better be a faster draw than me.
And better learn how to swim.
Thank you, sir.
All right, gamblers, step right up
and bring your money.
After you.
$25,000.
That's correct. Here.
Make your mark right here.
Thank you, sir.
Make your mark.
Good luck to you.
Here.
I'll take good care of it.
Count that.
It's all there.
I'm sure it is.
The games will begin in 10 minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, if we had
$25,000 more in this satchel...
...we'd have a full half-million.
We're minus one entry fee.
I believe it's yours.
Do I need to count it?
I don't think so.
Even half-million.
This safe was brought in specially
for this contest.
I selected the combination.
I'm the only one that knows it.
Commodore, the money's as protected
as I can make it.
There it is.
Gamblers...
...find your designated table
and let's play some poker!
Five thousand.
My pot.
I'll call you.
Gentlemen...
...four kings.
All right, young man. Let's go.
Hold on.
Cheating bastard!
Sit down! I'll handle this.
I knew it was him!
Don't touch my chips!
Wait a second!
Where are you taking me?
I can't swim!
Gentlemen, my pleasure.
Kings over tens, gentlemen.
Time to go for a swim.
Divide the chips among the players.
You son of a bitch!
Sorry, old-timer, that's it.
If you don't mind.
- At your pleasure.
- Thank you, Mr. Coop.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Good game, Hightower.
Hightower retires.
Four queens.
Congratulations.
Chips'll be waiting at the main
table. Good luck in the final game.
Full house.
That's a good hand.
That beats one...
...two...
...three sevens.
But not four.
Why don't you get a drink?
You'll feel better
if you get fresh air.
Watch your step.
I hate those sad losers.
Don't play if you can't afford it.
How's it look?
It looks like you,
Mrs. Bransford, the Spaniard...
...and, unless a miracle happens,
Maverick.
When it's decided,
call a break for an hour...
...and let's set it up
at that table.
I was going to leave you something,
but I'm cleaned out.
You're a hell of a player.
It's the most I enjoyed losing.
That's for you.
Congratulations. I'll see that your
chips are set up for the next game.
Good luck to you, son.
Leave your chips here, I'll get them
transferred to the final game.
Congratulations.
The players can take
a one hour break.
Players not back in their seat
at the stroke of five...
...forfeit their winnings.
Good morning.
Sorry.
He's a good 4 minutes fast.
Positions, sir?
Dealer over there.
Give me the cards.
Maybe we better get serious.
I've got it, if you don't mind.
We have rules about that
on board ship.
That's my gun.
- It's your gun?
- Yeah, it's mine.
Do you swim?
No. But she does and it's her gun.
And this one?
- Is this hers too?
- I'm carrying it for her.
- Is this your husband?
- What?
- How about a little boat?
- A little boat?
Mrs. Bransford, you look ravishing
for five in the morning.
Nice glow about you.
Five minutes, Mr. Maverick!
Dealer...
...start dividing up Maverick's
chips. Looks like he's a no-show.
Yes, sir.
Wait!
All right, dealer.
You can start the game.
Ante up.
A thousand and two more.
I'll see your $2,000...
Can I bid everything I have?
That'll be $12,000.
Too rich for my blood.
I'm out.
I feel like being silly.
I'll call.
It's just a pair of sixes.
If you can beat that,
then I'm licked.
Not a totally unpleasant prospect.
I'm out of the game.
I'm out.
You put me out.
I did.
I didn't do any of my tells.
I didn't twirl my hair
or flick my teeth.
You held your breath.
No, I wasn't.
Did I hold it?
Did I?
Did I?
See?
Sorry.
See, usually...
...when you get excited,
you breathe heavily.
How do you...
I'll just pretend I was playing
with somebody else's money.
That shouldn't be hard.
You did hold your breath.
Ante up.
It's up to you to open.
I'll open for $5,000.
I'll see your 5...
...and raise you 5.
Call.
And 5 for me.
Cards?
Two cards, please.
Sir?
Two.
One card, but not from you.
Put the deck down.
I'd like a new deck,
new cut and a new shuffle.
I'm sorry, that isn't permitted.
But you can have a new dealer.
In that case, I'd like you to deal.
Just one from the top.
I like that.
Shows trust.
The Commodore has four of a kind,
Angel has a small straight flush...
...and I don't know
what Maverick has.
It's up to you.
It looks like I'm sucking hind tit,
so I'll bet everything.
The Commodore wagers $25,000.
I'll see your 25.
I guess we're even.
I'll raise you everything I've got.
That's half a million to the winner.
That should cover the Commodore.
You gonna look at your card?
No need.
What are you playing at?
Look at it.
I'd look at my card
if I were you.
This is your portion of the pot.
What kind of poker you playing?
Look at that card!
Cards have been called, Commodore.
Show your cards.
I have two small pair.
Eights...
...and eights.
Thank you.
Not going to look?
How you gonna know if
you can beat my straight flush?
Ten of spades.
Jack of spades.
Queen of spades.
King of spades.
Possible royal flush.
Quiet! Quiet!
You won!
You cheating son of a bitch!
You all right?
I can't believe
I pulled that card.
Did I ever tell you
about the desert?
You're babbling.
Your security isn't worth a damn!
Everybody's got a gun!
Ladies and gents...
...for our presentation of one-half
million dollars to our winner...
...Mr. Maverick!
I want to congratulate you
on a game well played.
I wish your moment
could last longer...
...but I see all this money
and I just...
...gotta take it.
I'll have regrets, I'm sure, but
I'm going to take it nevertheless.
Move down the steps.
This is no time to be brave, Bert.
Down the stairs, now.
You too, Commodore.
- I'll take your bag.
- Get your hands off.
Get away from here!
Down the stairs. Move!
You son of a bitch.
I worked my ass off for that money.
I'll be coming for it.
I'll look for you.
Look real hard!
- That's my money.
- Was your money.
I don't want to see any faces
looking this way.
Get my gun.
He's headed for the lifeboat.
Stop him!
Move!
I'll kill that son of a bitch!
There he is.
Let him go!
- Let him go?!
- The man saved my life!
I can always win more money.
Anyway, I found out
what I came here for.
I remind you there's $500,000 in
that satchel that bastard's taking!
It grieves me,
but it's my half million.
It's only money, right?
Right!
- Only money?!
- It's not worth killing a man.
I won't swear out
a warrant against him.
I'll be damned!
I will be damned!
Let's toast our champion.
Our champion!
I meant to give you this.
I took it from you on the stage.
You should have it.
I meant to give you this cufflink...
...I took before you left
with the Indians.
I been looking for it.
Will you miss me?
Will you miss me?
You are going to miss me.
- How do you know?
- You were holding your breath.
I was not.
Maybe I was.
I guess I better go make my stage.
See you in Abilene.
New Orleans, wasn't it?
Either.
Where have you been?
I had to say goodbye.
I didn't want them thinking
I was running off.
And I did a lot of twists and turns
and backtracked a lot...
...to keep anyone from following me.
I thought we were in this together.
You win, I do nothing.
Someone else wins, I do what I did.
You didn't tell me
Angel was in it too.
If Angel had won,
we'd split it the same way.
The reason I brought him in...
...I telegraphed him
to keep Maverick out of the game.
He messed up on that.
Poor, dead bastard.
I don't like secrets.
You probably won't like
this one either.
I don't know, I guess
it's my greedy nature, but...
...I've decided...
...not to share it with you.
Uncock it.
Sit down, gentlemen.
Let's get real cozy.
Parlay some.
Put your hands down!
I admit, you had me fooled.
Not many can.
But you did save my life. It
wouldn't be neighborly to kill you.
Besides...
...everybody knows
what you are now, anyway.
All your life's work...
...it's all been wiped away.
Was it worth it?
You got nothing to show for it.
What you said is true.
I traded every decent thing I know
for that money.
You can't leave me alive.
I don't care where you go...
...one night you'll relax...
...and I'll be waiting.
You couldn't sneak up
on a corpse, Coop.
Not anymore.
You're a decrepit old has-been.
Well, what're you going to do?
Maybe the fairest thing would be...
...let one of you kill the other.
I'll let you decide which.
That, as they say, is that.
You rotten, double-crossed...
I've never committed
a cold-blooded murder in my life.
Well, I won't.
Not till I find Maverick.
Decrepit old has-been?
Couldn't sneak up on a corpse?
You got $500,000 in that satchel
and your gun is 8 feet away.
Not smart.
Not smart at all.
Guess not.
It's plain to see
who won the toss-up.
You shoot the Commodore
in the back?
No. Good idea, but no.
I really enjoyed
nailing that bastard.
No room in poker for cheats.
He won't be able to touch a deck of
cards, this side of the Mississippi.
My old pappy always used to say:
"There is no more deeply moving
religious experience...
...than cheating a cheater."
I never said that once.
You've misquoted me all your life.
- Are we quibbling over fine points?
- I'm sick of it!
The things you said were always
so dumb I had to improve on them.
Dumb, huh?
Cut that out, Pappy!
These are a buck apiece.
You brought me up to save money.
Give me one.
- Those are the good ones.
- They are?
You got a match?
Bret, Coop, everything good?
Enough cigars, brandy,
hot water, towels?
- Yell if you need anything.
- Yes, Mrs. D.
Certainly hope
this shirt fits you.
It's from the best
shirtmaker in town.
Isn't she sweet?
Hell of a shirt,
but she's robbing us.
Look at this. Here's a lot of money
and your gun is 6 feet away from you.
Eight.
What a remarkable family.
How did she figure..?
How'd you know?
You don't have
the exclusive on tells.
You both have
the same height and build.
You both...
...kiss the same way, you both...
...draw your guns alike and sing
the wrong words to "Amazing Grace."
We do not.
My! Such...
...splendid similarities.
From the looks of things, the lady
better bring more hot water.
Bret, son, you know what
we ended up with?
A half-million-dollar silk shirt.
Nope. We ended up with a
quarter-million-dollar silk shirt...
...because my old pappy told me,
"When you put the cart..."
No. "Don't count..." No.
"Don't put your eggs in one basket."
Now that, I said.
- So I have a boot for you.
- A boot?
And the other one's
twice as heavy.
Oh, Bret, that's my boy!
What are kids for?
Give back the boot.
Be my guest.
Nice boots.
I don't know why I left
the other half in the satchel.
I do.
So do I.
It'll be lots of fun
getting it back.
Yes, sir?
Something I got to know, son.
How did you come up
with that ace of spades?
You won't believe me.
I'm your father,
I'll believe you.
Magic.
Magic?
I believe you.
Thanks.
GELULA & CO., INC.