In a world where
the messengers of truth...
the couriers of justice,
bravely go forth...
to complete
their appointed routes...
Your mission...
complete paper route
in 30 minutes.
One lone hero stands out
among the rest.
One fearless rider
has the fortitude...
to deliver the goods.
To stand up to the forces
of darkness...
the legions of doom,
the armies of oppression...
and the evil Ice Cream Man.
Paperboy.
Welcome to the ice age, paperboy!
# I scream, you scream #
We all scream for ice cream!
Oh, nuts!
I forgot the sprinkles!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, Max.
Ohh!
A Tony Hawk sundae!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh, that Ice Cream Man
sure is evil.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I will defeat you...
with my complicated
fighting move.
We shall see whose kung fu
is superior. Hyah!
Yah! Paperboy power!
Didn't hurt!
You can run,
but you can't hide, paperboy!
# Everywhere #
# Gonna do everything #
# Gonna do my best
to reach your sky #
# 'Cause I don't care #
Whoo-hoo!
Yeah!
Paper?
What took you so long?
I stopped for some ice cream.
Get out of bed, jabrodie.
Get out of bed, jabrodie.
Get out of bed... Ow!
Heh.
OK, I dreamed it.
So maybe my life
really isn't like that.
And maybe I'm not
the coolest kid ever.
But today was the first day
of junior high...
and I was sure that things
were gonna be different.
Ya-ha-ha!
I had a new look.
I was a baller,
a shot-caller.
I was a player
with phat attitude.
Or, as I like to call it...
Phat-itude.
Hi, Mom.
It's finished.
The house is perfect.
Just as
I'd always pictured it.
But let's keep that
between you and me.
Meet my mom.
She's been putting
the "finishing touches"...
on our house
for, like, six years.
You could say
she's a bit obsessed.
This is my house.
My kitchen! Mine!
Morning.
This is my dad.
He works in advertising.
His boss, Mr. Foge, makes him
wear goofy costumes sometimes.
Luckily,
he's got us for support.
What is that?
Heh.
I'm Lieutenant Lobster.
For the Lobster Shack
pitch today?
Do you really have to wear that?
Lily, come on.
Foge has got
a dozen junior ad execs...
lined up who'd be happy to be
Lieutenant Lobster.
Foged again.
DON:
But just for this pitch.
I better be off.
Off to junior high...
my little soldier
all grown up.
-Good luck, honey.
-Thanks, Mom.
-Don't break anything.
-OK, Mom.
Hey, Max?
You want a ride?
Um... that's OK.
I'll take the bus.
Yeah, the bus. Right.
You know that kid
everyone thinks is weird...
but he doesn't care
what everyone thinks?
This is him.
He's my best friend.
His name's Robert,
but we call him Robe.
Guess why?
Hey, you guys!
This is my other best friend.
Her name's Megan.
She never goes anywhere
without her clarinet...
Even when she
takes a trip.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm tough like a tank.
Yeah, the septic tank.
Says the freak in the robe
that smells like diapers.
Max, where's your bassoon?
Um... My bassoon...
I thought we were
taking band together.
I've been thinking.
It's junior high.
Is band still cool?
Cool?
What are you talking about?
Since when have we been cool?
All I'm saying is,
let's try to act cool.
Sweet! A can.
Mmm.
-Blech!
-Eww!
# Today #
# I changed #
# But too late #
# 'Cause every town
feels the same #
# I'm different #
#And you're distant #
#Add it up and it makes
no difference #
For the yearbook.
How's this?
"Sheep arrive for slaughter"?
No, no, no!
Please! Please!
Don't make me go!
I don't want to go!
Does he know
something we don't?
JINDRAIKE:
Here they come.
With their pimples
and their braces...
and their rickets
and their lice.
Their snot-nosed,
baggy-pantsed...
high-pitched,
squealing voices.
And yet, each one a rung
on the ladder of my success.
A ladder that ends
in a vast neon sign...
that stretches across
the night sky.
MRS. RANGOON:
Principal Jindraike?
These came from
your real-estate agent.
The sign, Mrs. Rangoon.
What does it say?
"Superintendent Jindraike."
The sign on my office door.
That's what it should say.
Sounds so much better than
"Superintendent Knebworth."
It's classier, too.
When Knebworth sees
what I've done in his honor...
the old dinosaur is sure
to make me his successor.
But, first things first,
Mrs. Rangoon.
Set up the video
broadcast machine device.
I want to address
the acne-strafed masses.
Curtis Junior High
has a long...
and fascinating history
of colorful bullies.
-You're lying.
-Am I?
In 1985, Tomato-face Callahan.
He'd walk right up and shove
a tomato in your face.
1991, Wedgie Jackson.
He invented
the world wide wedge.
Which brings us to this year.
Troy McGinty.
Word is, he's gonna pound...
on a different kid every day.
And he's devised
his own special way...
of letting the world know
who he's coming after.
Max Keeble?
Here.
All right.
Julius Klinghoffer.
-Here.
-All right.
Lil' Romeo?
Yo, whuzzup?
I'm over here, wo dat.
OK.
Lil' Romeo's in the house.
I'm down with that.
Tina Michaels?
And now...
This is Principal Jindraike.
All students will report
to the assembly hall...
during third period
for a special presentation.
Attendance is mandatory.
All must attend.
Not attending is prohibited.
That is all. Thank you.
Yes! The reviews are in.
Ha! Jindraike, two thumbs up.
I laughed, I cried.
The man's a genius.
-Principal Jindraike!
-What now, Rangoon?
The red light's still on.
I'm well aware of that.
Didn't even notice!
Good morning.
I'm Ms. Dingman,
and welcome to Life Science.
You OK?
I can't feel my fingers.
...like this.
Pheromones.
Nature's dating service.
Odorless, colorless.
It's how many species
attract mates.
A chemical process
which causes...
an irresistible
attraction...
in the opposite sex.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Would someone like to open
the window for me, please?
You in the robe.
Aww.
Wow, that's cool!
You see? Irresistible.
["Baby, One More Time" playing]
# Oh, baby, baby #
# Eh, eh #
Are you OK?
Yeah! Yeah.
I'm fine.
You look kind of familiar.
I deliver your paper.
I'm Max, Jenna.
Oh, yeah.
You go to school here now?
You play the clarinet.
First chair.
I'm in band, too.
I play the bassoon.
Hmm. Well, I'll see you later.
I'll see you bassoon.
See you bassoon?
Ecch! Stupid!
Max Keeble.
Troy!
Troy McGinty, how are you?
First victim
of the year there, buddy.
It's a big honor.
Know the guy you hung out with
when you were little...
but as you got older you went
in opposite directions?
Troy McGinty
wasn't always a bully.
I remember when he came
to my fourth birthday.
The theme was
MacGoogles the Frog.
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# It's time to play a game #
# With your favorite
Highland frog #
I don't like MacGoogles!
He's not real, Troy.
He's just a TVcharacter.
Is there a wee laddie
having his birthday today?
MacGoogles!
He's trying to eat me!
Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat.
Troy, it's me, Mr. Keeble.
MacGoogles ate Max's daddy!
Troy had grown a lot since then.
Whoa! What are you doing?
Where's Max?
I don't know.
Wasn't it
your turn to watch him?
McGINTY:
Welcome to cooking with Troy.
First, you want to dip
your little piece of chicken...
in a nice, thick batter.
No. Troy, no!
-Hold it! Stop!
-OK, we're set.
Yaah!
No! Troy!
Now you want to roll
your piece of dead meat...
in some bread crumbs.
Perfect.
And now that that's done...
our bird should be
ready to go in.
Oh, gross! Ecch!
Hope you like lasagna.
Settle down.
Cease!
This Thursday,
Superintendent Knebworth...
will be here
to inspect the school.
And so I am upgrading
my policy of zero tolerance...
to one of sub-zero tolerance.
Which is more than zero.
Cease!
And now,
without any further ado...
what's that I hear?
The pitter-patter
of little feet?
Allow me to introduce to you
the newest addition...
to the Curtis Junior
High School Cottontails...
three foreign exchange students
from eastern Europe...
and their names are...
unimportant,
because they're here...
to lead us to gridiron glory.
Why, all they need
is a place to play.
Students, I give you
your new football stadium.
Eww!
You, there! Little boy!
Prankster!
What is your name?
Uh, Max Keeble.
I've got my eye on you,
Max Keeble.
You're on my list.
-It wasn't my...
-Sit!
Heh heh heh.
MEGAN:
This is a bad junior high.
I can't believe
what McGinty did to you.
Mr. Jindraike
says if someone tries...
to start a fight with you,
just ignore them.
Ew! Robe! Ew!
Max, you can't go through
the rest of the day like that.
I don't plan on it.
Where's he going?
How great.
# Hey baby, hey baby #
# Yeah baby, yeah baby #
# Hey baby #
Cool.
Hey, man,
you got any spare air?
# Yeah, baby #
# Yeah baby #
Whoo!
He calls his victims
"Investors"?
He's got
all the latest technology...
and he's looking
to make a killing...
in the stock market.
M-m-m-marching call!
# You know the fella's
good for the moola #
This guy, Dobbs, was
once a stock-market whiz kid.
By age 10,
he was a millionaire.
12:15. Meeting with Keeble.
Keeble.
By age 12,
he'd lost it all.
Now he's obsessed
with getting it back...
one kid at a time.
Keeble!
Caught your act in the assembly.
Looks like you can
use some help...
with managing your portfolio.
That's my lunch money!
And you have it all in cash.
Kid, let me hold this
for a while...
and I'll set you up
with a nice mutual fund.
What's going on here?
He's taking Max's
lu... lunch money.
Is this true, Mr. Dobbs?
No. I'm just spreading
some investment wisdom.
Speaking of which...
how did Biomorph Systems
work out for you?
Heh heh.
Best money I ever spent.
By the way, what
do you think of Handspring?
Handspring?
It's moving today. I'd say buy.
-Thanks.
-No prob.
Uh...
Don't miss me. Ha!
Excuse me!
Anybody want my carrots?
What?
Keeble!
You may be
under the impression...
that I encourage
horseplay and malarkey.
I don't encourage it.
I excourage it.
Excourage?
It means
the opposite of encourage.
Look it up.
Elliot!
And so, young man, remember...
"Study" rhymes with "Buddy."
Scram.
-Hey.
-What are you doing here?
I thought you said band
wasn't cool enough for you.
Yeah, but I thought it over...
and I've decided
that band is pretty...
["Baby, One More Time" playing]
Hot.
Excuse me.
What?
What are you doing
sitting in my seat?
Does it say your name on it
or something?
Yes.
So, if you don't mind,
shoo-shoo. Let's go.
Can you believe her?
-Hi, Jenna.
-Hey.
Welcome, everyone.
Settle, please.
I should tell you right away...
you'll notice that
we are a bit cramped in here...
thanks to some temporary
storage foisted on us...
by someone who has
absolutely no appreciation...
of what we do in here.
Now, if you'll go to
the beginning of the piece...
Can I help you football guys?
Yes, please.
Careful!
Jindraike. I'd like to...
# Standin' here lookin'
out on the world #
# For a second nobody's
lookin'back at me #
# I never even notice
where they go #
# The sun is shining
down and #
# There's no one else
around now #
# Wish you were here
to hear me say #
# This is gonna be #
# My greatest day #
# How far would I go #
# Just to hear
everybody say #
# This is gonna be #
# My greatest day #
# My greatest day #
# My greatest day #
Hey, Tad. Did you miss me?
This is Tad.
He totally rules
the animal shelter.
I helped nurse him when
he was a baby chimp...
and we've been buds
ever since.
Hey, Max!
Hi, Marley. What's up?
Could you do me a favor
and feed the goat?
Sure. What's going on?
Didn't you hear?
We're closing down.
Some creep bought up
the property...
and canceled our lease.
What's gonna happen
to the animals?
We're doing the best we can
to find homes for them...
but we only got
until the end of the week.
It's messed up, I know.
It's real messed up.
I couldn't believe it.
Something had to be done,
but what?
I thought maybe my parents
might have an idea.
They did.
We're moving?!
Yeah.
Foge wants me to head up
the new division.
I can't believe this. When?
-Friday.
-This Friday?
Man, this is totally unfair!
I mean, my life is here,
my friends are here.
We know that, Max.
But you'll make plenty of
new friends in Chicago.
Chicago?!
This was gonna be my year.
Here.
Sweetie,
we know this is hard on you.
It's hard on all of us.
Well, then I have
a great, great idea.
Let's not go.
Foge is my boss.
He's counting on me.
Can't you just say no?
No. It's not that simple.
This bites.
He'll be fine.
But, Max,
Chicago's 1,000 miles away.
Better tell your parents
to watch out for carjackers.
These guys'll just
come up to you...
at stoplights
and take your car away.
I saw it on "20/20."
That's why they call it
the Motor City.
Maybe you could hire a lawyer
and legally emancipate yourself.
You can stay with me.
I'll ask my mom.
My dad'll give you
a job here at the junkyard.
You know what?
Nice try, guys.
You know what?
Face it, I've been foged.
We meet again, paperboy.
OK.
Evil Ice Cream Man, me.
You're wondering why, right?
Ohh!
I once found a cockroach
in my snow cone.
My mom called
the health department...
and he got nailed.
He's been trying
to nail me ever since.
Drat! The fuzz!
This isn't over, paperboy!
Hello, officer.
Snow doodle?
Hey, look,
it's dumpster boy.
It's Rinky Stinko,
the garbage kid.
Ha, Rinky Stinko.
He just made that up.
Now, that's good.
MEGAN:
Hey, Max, check it out.
I made some flyers to help
save the animal shelter.
I thought you and I could
put them up around school.
Why bother?
A flyer's not gonna
make any difference.
He didn't mean that.
Cover me. I'm going in.
He moves, he fakes.
Rangoon, think fast.
Nice hands.
Now, pick up the ball...
and put it in the case.
It's from Knebworth's
City Championship game.
I'm going on my walkabout.
Mrs. Rangoon, what's this?
Some of the kids
are trying to save...
the animal shelter
down the street.
Kids? What kids?
The ones with the sense
of caring and civic duty.
You there. Cease!
What is the meaning of this?
Hey, I didn't do that.
So you want to save
the filthy little beasts, eh?
Perhaps you want me
to give the animals my car?
Do you want me to give my car
to the smelly goat?
Goats don't drive, sir.
I don't care
what you want me to do.
The smelly goat
will never get my car.
Ever.
The animals have nowhere to go.
Some creep's
closing down the shelter.
I'm closing down
the shelter, silly boy.
What?
All I need now is
the right bulldozer.
I'm thinking big and yellow.
Where did you think
I was going to build...
Knebworth stadium,
in your house? Ha ha.
Your house. That's rich.
There wouldn't be room.
Whoa.
# Better watch out
for the king of the hill #
# He's really bad
and totally chill #
# Better watch out
for the king of the hill #
Freak with robe?
All right, guys.
Hit the showers.
Come on, ladies.
Hello, freak.
Let me out!
Come on, let me out!
What's going on, huh?
McGinty's latest victim.
You gotta check this out.
Ha ha ha.
ROBE:
Let me out! Come on!
Let me out!
Come on, let me out.
-All right, OK.
-Come on, Max.
OK. It's OK.
He's a little claustrophobic,
so he might...
Hurl.
What a waste of a perfectly
good chili omelet.
Let me check the latest rates.
That's $3.00
for number one...
and $5.00 for number two.
I have a bladder problem.
Sorry to hear it.
-Keeble.
-Get off me!
I worked really hard
on that display.
Excuse me. New customers.
DOBBS:
Can I help you, gentlemen?
-No, thanks.
-Keeble, shut up.
How much for a swirlie?
Take stall number 4.
No, no. Come on, Troy.
-No charge.
-Thanks, man.
Can we talk about this?
I'm gonna get my hair wet.
Come on, Troy!
Ow! Come on!
Water.
A recurring geographical
feature which allows...
a civilized society
to develop.
For example,
rivers, springs...
Mr. Keeble?
You're tardy,
and you're dripping.
I have rules against both.
Now, class, another
feature which allows...
a civilized society
to develop is a code of rules.
Without rules, society
would completely collapse.
Do you agree with
that statement, Mr. Keeble?
I guess so.
I guess you'll write me
a 2,000-word essay...
on the subject.
That's not fair!
Which I will look forward
to seeing on my desk...
drip-dry Friday!
This Friday?
This Friday!
Wait.
Friday was the day
I was moving...
and this teacher was mean.
She let Dobbs steal my money.
She wanted to punish me
when it wasn't my fault.
But if I wasn't
gonna be here...
what could she really
do to me, right?
It was time to take a stand.
How come I can't
do the essay right now?
Now, class...
Mmm. That's good.
A civilized society
does need a set of rules.
Otherwise, people could do this.
Oops.
Did I say 2,000 words?
Make that 4,000!
Or... this.
Make that 8,000 words,
and take your seat now!
8,000 words?
That's kid stuff.
How about 12,000 words?
Do I hear 12,000 words,
ladies and gentlemen?
12,000 words!
Sold! For 12,000 words!
Get off my desk!
Okee-day.
You're in serious trouble,
Mr. Keeble.
# Yeah #
See ya.
Hello, sweetheart.
No consequences.
I could do anything
I wanted.
Excuse me.
Where do you think
you're going?
If you're ever
in the windy city...
Iook me up.
Anything.
And now, all the people
who had tried to run us down...
mess us up,
push us around...
were in for a real surprise.
Told you it was gonna
happen sooner or later.
Didn't I?
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
# Wait, see #
# I do whatever moves me #
I'm closing down the shelter.
Pheromones...
nature's dating service.
I keep my money in a piggy bank.
It just looks like you.
After all, I had to do
something about the bullies.
All I needed was
a little bit of help.
Because
I'm outta here in 2 days.
Don't you see?
This isn't just a plan.
It's... it's a planetarium.
Look, I'm gonna be
the one they come after...
but I'm not gonna be here...
and that is the beauty of it.
I mean, you guys won't
even know what I'm up to.
All you have to do
is help me out.
And we'll have...
what do you call it?
Plausible deniability.
Plausible deniability.
Did you just make that up?
So we all down for the cause?
One question.
Can't we just have
a going-away party instead?
We will, a huge blowout...
when this is over.
So?
Marching call!
# You know a fella's
good for the moola #
Looks like somebody
froze your assets, man.
Let's see what
we can do about that.
Hey!
Step off, capitalist tool.
Man, why don't you
go get a real job, fool?
I told you, their lunch money
is mine, vendor.
Yeah, that's right.
Trading hours are over.
Hello, Vladimir.
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# It's time to play
a game with your... #
Hmm.
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# MacGoogle... #
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# It's time
to play a game #
# With your favorite
Highland... #
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# It's time to play a game #
# With your favorite
Highland frog #
And let me just remind...
the citizens
of Curtis Junior High...
that we are now
T-minus... several hours...
until the
Superintendent Knebworth visit.
That is all. Thank you.
I'm a walrus, hey.
The camera's still on!
OK.
I'm OK.
Sorry.
I know.
It's just that
we have to be...
very careful
with the lab equipment.
Our budget is very tight...
thanks to
the new football program.
45 cents. Cool.
Let's check
my grosses today.
Where's my handheld?
Hey, mister,
my Fudgsicle's melting!
Oh, it's supposed to be melting.
People pay extra for that.
Now, beat it!
All of you, beat it!
The heat is on!
Fartknocker!
Evil Ice Cream Man's going down.
How great.
I sure am gonna miss you guys.
I guess you'll make
new friends in Chicago.
Right, Max?
I guess so. I don't know.
I never really thought about it.
Hey, maybe you'll meet kids...
exactly like us in every way.
You know, like clones.
Yeah. Maybe I will.
Well, there's still
your going-away party.
There's gonna be a cake
and everything.
-I baked it.
-Yeah, don't forget.
Tomorrow,
4:00, House of Robe.
I'm providing the ice cream.
ICE CREAM MAN:
What's going on?!
It's melting!
Hey, Max?
What are you doing?
Stuff.
Getting ready for
the big move kind of stuff?
Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry
we sprung this on you, Max...
but it was sort of
sprung on me the same way.
Uh-huh.
OK. Tsk.
What if I didn't take the job?
What then? A home...
the food we eat,
the clothes you wear...
that takes a lot of money.
I just can't see why
we can't stay.
Well, sometimes in life...
you gotta do things
that you don't want to do...
because other people
who have power over you...
tell you to do them.
No, Dad, I mean,
if you rise up...
and... and show
that you're not afraid...
those people will no longer
have control over your life.
What have you done with Max?
Who are you? Really?
Good night, kiddo.
See ya.
The window was open.
Whoa!
Robe.
The computer.
I'll get the breath spray.
Nature's dating service.
Whoa.
-What?
-Check it out.
Jindraike's using
all the school's money...
to build his stupid
football stadium.
We can't let him
get away with that.
Now his breath'll be
pheromone fresh.
Don't worry about me.
I'm fine.
Here you go.
And now we add
a little decoration.
Whoa!
Come on,
let's get out of here.
Robe!
Come on, man! Let's go!
Yeah, I'm trying.
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Mom.
Hi, sweetie.
Whatcha doing?
You know,
you just start out...
by trying to pack
everything really fast...
and then you get caught up
in all this old stuff.
Remember how the kitchen looked...
when we first moved in?
Before it was perfect?
Not really. I was four.
Right. Mmm.
Sorry about
the short notice, Max.
You having to leave
your friends and everything.
Ah, it's OK.
At first,
I was really bummed out...
but not everything's
bad about moving.
That's what your father
keeps saying.
I hope you're both right.
Troy McGinty?
How about that?
OK, no,
I won't do that anymore.
I promise. I promise.
Ohh. I lied. Sorry.
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
No.
# With your favorite
Highland frog #
No.
No, not you.
You're not even real!
Get away from me!
Faster, janitor!
More commemorative red,
white, and blue streamers.
Crazy Legs Knebworth.
What a champion he was.
Come on, you idiot.
He's coming!
He's coming!
Straighten up.
Straighten up.
Better. Ready? And...
At last! At last!
The moment we've all
been waiting for.
Crazy Legs. You look fit.
Elliot. It's been too long.
I agree completely.
Slip me that biscuit.
Ooh, that's a hot one.
Smile.
The reason Jindraike
has a new football program...
is to impress this guy...
Superintendent Knebworth.
You see, Jindraike
wants his job so bad...
he'd eat his socks.
How it saddens me...
to think of your retirement,
Crazy Legs.
What an inspiration
you've been to us all.
In fact, I've collected
some mementos...
from your glory days.
Well.
Remember this?
Eww!
It's your championship
jockstrap.
We washed it. Ha ha.
Wash it again.
What's this?
Allow me to present...
Knebworth Stadium.
Knebworth Stadium.
How can you afford to do
something like this?
I didn't approve any capital
expenditures for Curtis.
The usual...
bake sales, car washes...
and cutting back on
a few non-essential items.
-Fire extinguishers, milk.
-Excuse me?
Moving along...
have you seen the toilets?
No complaints.
I need five laps to...
All right, that's weird.
Who turned out the lights?
Hey, check it out.
It's McGinty!
What the...
Hey, break it up.
Break it up.
McGinty.
He's...
gonna eat me.
What?
MacGoogles.
"Look who's crying now."
Would you guys get out of here?
So the second teacher
says, "I agree.
"That's why they call it
a lounge." Ha.
Well, here we are...
in the Curtis
Junior High library.
Hmm. Smallish.
Yes, but
we're biggish on books.
Especially sports books.
The one we're waiting for
is "Crazy Legs"...
"The Bobby Knebworth Story."
Didn't I order new computer
workstations this year?
Jindraike?
We're having them upgraded.
Hmm. OK.
Well... if it isn't
my favorite customer.
What can I get you,
plump daddy?
What's this?
Who are you working for?
"If you want the ice
back in your ice cream...
"meet me at
the junkyard at 3:00."
Somebody's messing with me.
Hey, can I try the soup?
Everything set?
I guess so,
but I still don't see...
how this is gonna help
save the animal shelter.
It's all part of the plan.
Max...
What?
I don't know.
I'd just rather
spend our last day...
hanging out than
doing all this spy stuff.
-Uhh!
-Ow! What the... Big oaf.
They're coming!
Right on schedule.
-You ready?
-Check.
Lunch...
is... served.
Check and mate.
Who threw that?
# Aim for me #
# Aim for me #
Food fight!
# Aim for me, hit it #
# It's a great big world #
Not on my watch!
# Nothing #
# Don't believe
in nothing anyway #
# Still got a lot to learn #
# But we started out
with nothing #
# With my friends
we're going on our way #
Stop that this instant!
# Your life will rearrange #
Oh! I saw that, young man!
I'm taking names!
# That's OK,
we'll never come undone #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
# They'll try
to count you out #
# But you gotta
count yourself in #
If I get my shirt dirty,
my mom's gonna kill me!
# Not saying that I'm right #
# See the trouble
that we've been in #
"Jell-O Hello."
No. "Cafeteria Hysteria."
# When it's said and done #
#And you've got us
on the run #
# That's OK,
we'll never come undone #
# Some people change #
You're all suspended!
# You're so far from home #
#Aim for me #
Ha ha ha ha ha!
#Aim for me,
aim for me #
#Aim for me, aaah #
What the...
Ohh!
That's it!
Robe did it! Aah!
# Some people change,
and your life will rearrange #
# Even when you're
so far from home #
# When it's said and done #
Not having fun! Ow!
And now, onto
the piece de resistance.
The jewel in
the crown of Curtis.
The cafeteria.
Let me tell you something
about this school.
It blows!
It's mustard!
You can't ketchup,
because it's mustard!
Yeah!
# Some people change,
and your life will rearrange #
# Even when you're
so far from home #
Please believe me
when I tell you...
this is my gift to you.
# That's OK,
we'll never come undone #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
#Aim for me #
Cease!
Sir, I assure you,
this behavior...
is utterly without precedent.
Plus, it never happened before.
Who?
Who started this?
If the culprit
does not step forward...
this instant...
swift and horrible
retribution...
awaits each
and every one of you.
This place is nuts.
Crazy Legs!
Wait!
Pbbbt!
I pound on kids.
That's what I do.
That's what I do.
This can't happen to me.
You know what
they're calling me out there?
The MacGoogler.
Troy, easy. Now,
I'd like to take you through...
a childhood
regression process.
It may bring up
some unpleasant memories...
but I think you'll find it
helpful in the end.
All righty?
Mm-hmm.
Now, give
Mr. MacGoogles a hug.
Aah! Aah!
He's gonna eat me!
We've got some work to do.
$300 for a new handheld?
There goes my third quarter.
"Meet me 3 P.M. today
at the junkyard...
"if you want to put your
handheld back in your hand."
"P.S. Bring the metal coil."
Son, your mama
found a metal coil...
on the front porch.
Is it yours?
Metal coil.
I want my coil.
I want my handheld!
What did you say, punk?
I said, "I want my handheld."
You want your handheld?
Yeah. You heard me.
I said, "I want my handheld."
You want me to hold your hand?
No!
Need somebody to hold
his hand. Little baby.
Little...
Give me the coil!
Oh, this? Huh? Huh?
No!
Yeehaw!
Meh-meh-meh.
Good, Troy! Now...
can you help me
find a link...
between MacGoogles
and your fears?
Was it something
from your past...
or somebody?
Keeble!
Keeble!
Keeble.
Hey, Max.
Hi, Jenna.
Do you want to hang out?
I'm meeting some friends
at Buddies.
You know what?
I actually gotta
kinda be somewhere.
Oh, come on.
Stay for one milk shake.
It'll be fun.
Well...
One milk shake.
You know what?
OK. All right.
One... milk shake.
# Hit me, baby,
one more time #
[Chanting "Keeble"]
So, you actually
did set up...
that whole monkey thing
at the cafeteria?
Well, actually,
Tad is a chimpanzee.
You're so devious.
Well, it's really part of
my whole new attitude...
what I like to call
my phat-itude.
Yo! Don't crowd
the man, dude.
He has phat-itude. Git!
I wonder where Max is?
Don't worry. He'll be here.
# School is out,
let's enjoy the heat #
# It's all you now, do it like
you're playin'for keeps #
# Destroyed right here
for you to makin'it cheap #
# OI d school, new school,
come on, wiggle with me #
# Jump and slide #
# Now dip, that's right #
# Now jump and slide #
# Now dip, that's right #
# You want it,
you got it, ahh #
# You want it,
baby, you got it #
Megan, wait!
# You want it,
you got it, ahh #
Don't worry about us.
Just go back to your party.
It's not a party.
I was just...
I was just coming
to see you guys.
Whatever.
I guess we're just
not cool enough for you.
Don't say that.
But Megan... she likes you.
She really likes you.
Robe, wait.
You know what?
I've been waiting.
Now I'm going home.
Have a nice life in Chicago.
Well, can you tell her
that I called?
And that
I'm really, really sorry.
-I'll tell her, Max.
-Thanks.
And don't forget
the sorry part, please.
-I won't.
-Thank you. Bye.
Hey, champ.
You seen your mom?
Hey, honey,
can you come here quick?
I got big news.
What's up?
Guess what?
We're not moving.
We're not?
Uh-uh. I finally gave Foge
some of his own medicine.
You foged Foge?
Yeah. I quit.
We're gonna stay here.
I'm gonna start
my own business.
Oh, sweetie!
Now you're gonna be
the big cheese!
Not anymore!
Wait! We're not moving?
Uh-uh.
Oh, look at him.
He's so happy,
he can't speak!
Ha ha ha!
Hey, honey,
can you help me get this off?
I sure can!
I can't get it
over my head with the gloves.
What was I gonna do?
I had to get out of this.
Max, this is gonna be great.
I finally
get to be my own boss.
But, Dad, what about
your responsibilities...
the house, the food,
my clothes?
What about my clothes?
Do I wear rags?
Max, I owe it all to you.
You're the one
that helped me realize...
Foge was
nothing but a bully.
If it wasn't for you,
I wouldn't have had...
the courage
to stand up to him.
I'm just a kid!
What do I know?
You OK?
You seem a little jumpy.
Yes! Yeah.
-You sure?
-Yeah. I'm cool.
So, see you tonight.
-Uh, yeah.
-Yeah.
Maybe.
Maybe?
Who was I kidding?
I was Grade-A dead meat,
and I knew it.
What I didn't know...
is that I've left
my friends in the same boat.
It's gonna be
a long year for you, slim.
I'm gonna pound you every day.
And all thanks
to your good friend Keeble.
Catch you around, huh?
Great.
Let's just round it off
to all your money forever.
From here on in,
you work for me.
Heh heh! Yeah.
In fact, the entire
school was going to suffer...
because of me.
Oh, stop smiling.
This is not a happy place.
Find Max Keeble.
I'd like to speak to him.
You better book a flight.
What?
Max Keeble moved to Chicago.
I just forwarded his file.
Mrs. Rangoon,
a moment of your time, please.
Someone's got
something important...
to say to the students.
Someone's got something
very important...
to say to the students,
and do you know...
who that someone is,
Mrs. Rangoon?
It's me, Mrs. Rangoon.
Hmm. Yeah.
And wait till they hear it.
Attention, students.
Because of yesterday's
crimes against the school...
instigated by your former
classmate Max Keeble...
the following
extracurricular activities...
are now suspended...
art, music, P. E...
fun!
Suspended,
discontinued, defunct!
Great. Your boyfriend
Max Keeble...
just got us hosed.
He's just my paperboy.
I never really liked him.
Keeble!
OK. Today, class,
we're going to review...
some of the elements
of grammar.
McGinty says
he's gonna pound me...
every day
for the rest of my life.
Dobbs says I have to give him
all of my money...
forever.
Some plausible deniability.
Hi. Do you mind
if I hang here for a while...
because there's
some people after me.
I did some stuff.
Yeah. You probably...
Yeah. I'm really sorry
about the cafeteria.
But Jindraike has no right
to do what he's doing...
and now my friends are gonna get
whaled on because of me...
and I can't
do anything about it.
Any kid can make a mess.
Takes a man to clean it up.
It took
a man with a plunger...
to make me realize
that I had to do something.
I thought I'd stood up
to the bullies...
but all I'd really done
was hit and run.
That's not courage.
That's ex-courage.
As you know, verbs are words
that describe actions...
so who can name a few?
Betray, deceive, lie.
How about burn...
screw over,
stab in the back?
Heh! Uh-huh.
Attention, students,
this is Max Keeble speaking.
First I'd like to say to
my friends Megan and Robe...
that I know
that I acted like a jerk...
and I'm sorry for ever
getting you involved in this.
I screwed up, but you guys
are my best friends...
and that's forever.
I don't know what else to say,
but I'm sorry.
It probably doesn't
matter to you anymore...
but I'm not moving.
Keeble!
And McGinty and Dobbs...
it's me you want,
so leave my friends alone.
I may have run before, but I am
all through running now.
You want me, I'll be
in the parking lot, 3:00.
Cut!
End of broadcast!
That is all. Thank you.
Hello, Max. Good to see you.
Glad you could make it.
Please, have a seat.
Anything I can get for you?
Sparkling water? Soda?
No? OK.
You've acted
like a criminal...
so I'm going to treat
you like a criminal.
I'm not a criminal.
People who do crimes
are criminals, like you.
You should be careful
before slandering...
your principal's
spotless reputation...
with wild
and groundless claims.
They're not groundless,
they're ground-full.
-Ground-full?
-Look it up!
I saw it on the screen.
You have been stealing
from all the school budgets...
to fund your stupid
football stuff.
Saw it on the screen, did you?
Yeah, and it's true.
You're a smart little boy...
but so am I!
So I fiddled with the budget.
Fiddlesticks.
It's my budget.
So we have fewer textbooks.
Big deal.
Textbooks are for nerds.
Fewer band instruments...
who cares?
Band is for losers.
-Come on!
-Oh!
So the janitor has
to work overtime for no pay.
He should pay me
for the privilege!
Now, let me describe
your next 24 hours.
I'm going to mete out
a punishment to you...
that is so severe,
future generations...
will refer to it
as "The Keeble."
They will beg
on bended knee...
"Oh, please, sir.
Not the Keeble, sir.
"I swear I'll never
misbehave again...
"if you'll just
spare me... the Keeble."
And spare them I shall, Max...
for I am a merciful man.
Your transgressions
are so immense...
that I would be delinquent...
My bulldozer!
Oh, goody.
Oh, that's right!
You don't know!
You thought you saved
the animal shelter.
It would appear... not!
Now stay there!
Don't go away.
What do you think
Jindraike'll do to him?
What do you think
McGinty and Dobbs'll do to him?
# We got evil trouble #
Maybe they'll just
forget the whole thing.
# Evil trouble #
# We got evil trouble #
Or maybe
they'll rip his head off.
We've got to do something.
Come on.
# We got evil trouble #
# We got evil trouble #
Good afternoon, Mr. Dobbs.
Always a pleasure, McGinty.
This is gonna be epic.
"Keeble canceled."
Here's Jinny.
Keeble?
Keeble!
Sacrilege!
Open this door immediately!
Caged like an animal.
Ironic.
So, is my watch running fast...
or is our Keeble friend
running scared?
Somebody looking for me?
Keeble, welcome to
our parking lot of pain.
You know how doctors say,
"This won't hurt a bit"?
Well, I'm not a doctor,
and neither is McGinty here.
He's right.
I'm not a doctor.
Yeah!
Oh, you know,
that's too bad...
because you're gonna need one.
Hold him!
Let him go!
Megan, I'm handling this!
So am I.
Ha ha ha!
What are you
gonna do about it, huh?
This. [Plays
"We're Not Gonna Take It"]
Oh.
OK.
[Band playing
"We're Not Gonna Take It"]
I'm so scared.
You should be.
We're taking back our school.
Yeah. No more
being pushed around.
No more being stepped on.
No more Mr. Not-nice Guy.
Your reign of terror
over the student body...
has come to an abrupt halt.
What?
Yes, please.
From now on,
you have to pay us...
to use the restroom.
We're pulling your plug!
Throw them in the dumpster!
-Swirlie!
-Yeah!
Get them!
It was all his idea!
It was his idea!
It was all McGinty!
Put me down!
Wait! Wait!
What are we doing?!
Getting revenge on the bullies.
But that makes us
the same as them.
Don't you see?
I mean, I went about
all this the wrong way.
We are no better
than the bullies...
if we do exactly
what the bullies do.
I mean,
we need to stand together...
and make our school
a better place for everyone!
For you and you and you
and even you, worried kid.
-Man's got a point.
-Yeah!
What should we do with them?
Let them go.
No!
Wow! How cool are you?
You know. Just...
A bunch of us are having
a party this weekend.
Ninth graders only.
Except for you, Max.
I'm sorry. I can't come.
I'm meeting somebody.
Shoo shoo!
Whatever.
Nice move, Max.
You know what?
I think not moving...
was the best move of all.
It's Jindraike!
He's heading for
the animal shelter!
That's it! Run!
Scatter like
the children you are!
Knock, knock. Anybody home?
Giddyap!
All right! Who's first?!
I know!
How about the smelly goat?!
Baa!
Not today, Jindraike.
That's far enough.
On second thought, why don't
we start with the boy...
who tried
to save the smelly goat?
I do not fear
your dark powers, bald one.
Your kung fu's
no good here, Max.
Oh, what is that...
Eek! Eek! Pbbbt! Pbbbt!
Traitor!
Cease!
He did it!
All right, Max!
Yep! I did it!
The animal shelter was safe...
the bullies were cooked...
and Jindraike got fired
for fiddling with the budget.
As for me and my friends,
we were just happy...
that the first week
of school was over.
Now we could chill
for the rest of the year.
I'll get you, paperboy!
Oh, man!
# You want it, baby #
# You got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# Huh, you want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# On the dance floor,
shakin'it up #
# Everybody groovin',
DJ mixin'it up #
# We come to party #
# Let me see
you move your feet #
# Get it goin'girl,
come on, do it with me #
# Move your hips like this,
now bump to the beat #
# This is it, y'all #
# Let's take it
back to the street #
# School is out,
let's enjoy the heat #
# It's all you now, do it like
you're playin'for keeps #
# Destroyed right here
for you to makin'it cheap #
# OI d school, new school,
come on, wiggle with me #
# Important people,
somethin'I want to teach #
# Do the new dance,
it's called the Max Keeble #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# Put your hands in the air
like you don't care #
# Workin', jerkin',
that's it right there #
# If you want, let me show you
how to do that there #
# The beat will sure make you
want to move that there #
# Wave your arms in the air
like everywhere #
# Get caught, everybody,
let me hear you say yeah #
# Come on, step to the side,
now go to the polls #
# More, little mama,
keep on your toes #
# Stop in the stop or not,
it's cold #
# Let me get my dance on,
let me take the floor #
# Take the floor,
take the floor #
# Give my number to wait,
I got to go #
# Now jump and slide #
# Now dip, that's right #
# Now jump and slide #
# Now dip, that's right #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# Do the new dance,
come on, break your hands #
# Everybody save time,
follow your friends #
# To the music,
close your eyes, just do it #
# It's easy,
there's really nothin' to it #
# Put your hands down,
then put 'em up in the sky #
# Pop your hip bone,
think I might want to slide #
# Get a partner
and do it side by side #
# Come on, dance, there's
really try nothing to learn #
# Turn this up,
take it right outside #
# The Max Keeble, baby,
do the dance worldwide #
# Yo, gotta go,
until next time #
# I'll be seein' you,
my dad say hi #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# You want it #
# Baby, you got it #
# Yeah #
#All right #
# Uh-huh #
# I've been knocked down #
# Jacked around #
# Bullied up and used #
# I've had enough bad luck #
# That I believe
that I might lose #
# Then I looked
into my heart #
# I found
just what I needed #
# I've come about,
don't count me out #
# I'm not gonna be defeated #
# I'm free, they'll see #
# I do whatever moves me,
all I gotta get #
# It's time that I'm #
# Gonna break away now,
nothing's gonna hold me down #
# I've been around,
I've played the clown #
# I know it can be tough #
# It's hard to find
your way sometimes #
#A smile just ain't enough #
# Some folks live
to trip you up #
# They love to see you crawl #
# But I'm on my feet,
I can't be beat #
# I'm breakin'down
these walls #
# I'm free, they'll see #
# I do whatever moves me,
all I gotta get #
# It's time that I'm #
# Gonna break away now,
nothing's gonna hold me down #
# I'm free, they'll see #
# I do whatever moves me,
all I gotta get #
# It's time that I'm #
# Gonna break away now,
nothing's gonna hold me down #
# I'm free, they'll see #
# I do whatever moves me,
all I gotta get #
# It's time that I'm #
# Gonna break away now,
nothing's gonna hold me down #
# I'm free, they'll see #
# I do whatever moves me,
all I gotta get #
# It's time that I'm #
# Gonna break away now,
nothing's gonna hold me down #
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# It's time to play a game #
# With your favorite
Highland frog #
# One, touch your toes #
# Two, tweak your nose #
# Three, pinch your ear #
# Four, let out a cheer #
# Five, wiggle your hips #
# Six, smack your lips #
# MacGoogles
knows all the tricks #
# MacGoogles is me name #
# I like a swampy bog #
# Now you played a game #
# With your favorite
Highland frog #
# Listen to your parents #
# I'm your froggy friend #
# Learn all of your lessons #
# 'Cause #
# This game has come #
# To an end #
# Hoo hoo #