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Maya Dardel (2017)
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- Sure, whatever you prefer to call it. The human situation, or the American nightmare that's become the international nightmare, or love, or extreme awareness, or, this interview is live, right? I'd like to change the subject 45 degrees, if you don't mind, um, we only have a few more minutes. Okay, right. I'd like to start a rumor. With some luck, a few young writers listen to this broadcast, and they can spread the rumor to their friends and enemies. Mm, now, now don't take this the wrong way. What I'm about to say is not a cry for help. It's not in any way connected to, or interested in, the politics of victimhood, and if anyone receives it that way, all the worse for him. What I'd like to say is, I'm going to kill myself. Please don't interrupt me. I am going to end the life of Maya Dardel. My work is in decline. I, I see no need to birth a few more mediocre books and then finally in my 70s and 80s squirt out a few more abortions as embarrassing as, it's disrespectful to name names. The point is, euthanasia. It's the thing to do. I don't have any family, so I'm going to need an heir and an executor. So I'm going to be interviewing youngish writers here, at my house, in Los Gatos, California, for this position, starting now. Right, right and the guy I pick gets my house and my archives and publishing rights, all my knickknacks and dishes and music and books when I'm gone. Hm. So anybody talented and capable can email me by emailing the Ithurburn agency. My agent's name is Lucas Marcy, Lucas m-a-r-cy. Mm hmm, yep, Luc's thrilled, death's lucrative. Um. Of course I'm serious. Don't be narrow-minded. I want young but professional, published writers of poetry, but I'd consider a poetic novelist or essayist. Also, also, women need not apply. Well because I don't like women's writing. Yes. No, no. Dickinson yes, some of it. No, no. Wolfe was a man. No, no, George Elliot was a man. Yes, no. Sontag, Sontag was entirely a guy. I know, I slept with her. So any of you young men out there, if you think you're it, go ahead and look up my agent, yes? - I can show you my work right now here. - Leave it on the floor. I probably should've had you email me some of your work before you drove all the way up here. - Right, I can, I can send you some from my phone right now. - Put that back. They disgust me. - Phones? - Other people's phones. - Right, totally, no, I totally understand that. They're like, other people's phones. You know, they touch your ear. They have like wax on them, other people's girlfriends' photos on them. - Tell me with extreme candor what you think of your talent. - Totally, I can. Talk about that. Um. Done. - What? - No you just, you just have to know. - Know what? - Do you have a bathroom I could use? - I don't like other people in my bathroom. - It's cool. - What do you think of me? - I love your work, I love shadow, twenty-seven fold. - I meant what do you think of me physically? - Physically? - Mm. - I'm not really, um. - Be candid, Moses. - Candid? - Very. - I'm not really comfortable. - Who's comfortable? Just be honest. - What, do I think you're a good-looking woman? - Yes. - I mean, yeah. - But uglier than women your age. I'm a good piece of fruit too long in the fridge. - That's, isn't that, like. - But good-looking enough. At least as I sit here across from you in what appears to be some kind of impenetrable Artemis state, enough that you're probably wondering what it'd be like to command me, strip me. - Strip you? - Men are this kind of machine. Women my age have the last outer crust of our prettiness left, and that can be combined with haughtiness or real superiority. Until a young man badly wants to break that outer crust. He wants to prove this and that to himself, and the middle-aged woman. But you see, the woman's unwise if she allows herself to be stripped. The thing about Artemis is that, is that her nakedness in the pool in the woods, when Actaeon sees her, yes? - Um, yeah. - Her nakedness is not just a myth about the virginity of maidens. It's a myth also about the final, brittle sex appeal of older women. If you were to see me naked, like Actaeon, you would have to die. You're a mature man, correct? - Yeah. - You're not one of these immature fumblers, one of these boys who can't find the clitoris? - Like a, sorry, a woman's clitoris? - Come here. Nearly any experience is good for a writer. The same can't be said for those who don't write. - Yeah I actually brought my work, I'd like to show you. - Come, sit. - You want me to sit next to you on the couch? - Here. - Here? - Exactly. - Okay. Here? Okay. Sorry, I'm. - Take off my tights. You're surprisingly not bad at that. - Thanks. - Would you like to show me your poems? But first go clean your face. - Should I just use the sink? - Mm. - Okay. - To save us time why don't you just show me what you're certain is your best work in that binder. - My best? - Mm. You read it to me. - Holy shit, um, that's the title. Holy shit, this Campbell's soup is tasty, though it, come, though. Holy shit this Campbell's soup is tasty, though come to think of it, it tastes like nothing plus the idea of Warhol with his super creepy friends, so many more than I have, speaking fondly of the times they all had doing nothing, doing nothing, doing nothing, doing nothing, making a Hamlet sandwich I have to make for myself, because I have no friends. - I'm adjuncting a composition course at Hartwick college in the spring. That's in New York, the Catskills, mm, I got my MFA last year, from the Iowa writers workshop. And I'm the editor-in-chief of a small magazine, a Webzine. - I went to Iowa. - Did you? - Back when everyone smoked cigarettes and nobody got aids. - Okay, there wouldn't be any kind of legal complications, would there? What I mean is, when you, if you select me. I'll be far away with an alibi. I don't mean to be rude, I just think it's best to be up front. You don't expect me to be here, to help you? - This is not the process. - What? - The process, it's not the process. - What's the process? - First we talk about your work, and then I, I was probably... - well that stuff that I sent you is actually quite old. I just sent it because it seems to do well with the editors of magazines. I'd like to show you what I'm writing currently. - Show me. - It's uh, it's an epic poem. Or well, considering that idea. It's uh, well, better to show you. - Cimputer, hmm? Ever been to the Tate modern in London? - No. - But you've been to modern art museums. - Of course. It seems ironic now, but I actually wrote my undergraduate thesis on the transgressive corporeality of mannequins and humans in the early work of - - imagine three people in a modern art museum. The first is a pot-bellied father of four from Kentucky or provincial France or middle Russia somewhere. He's a tourist, he only likes landscapes and nudes and paintings of battles and ships. He's the guy who looks the Jackson pollock the same way he looks at your generation's latest abstract knockoff and he says to himself about both, Christ, what a con-job, my kid can paint this. - Hm. Right, my kid can paint this. - Now imagine a second person in the museum. This is you, this is an educated person. He's visiting the museum in an anxious, critical capacity. He goes into the room the tourist father just left, and looks at the pollock and looks at the knockoff, and because the knockoff was painted very recently, it gets his attention, and he stands there wondering if it's better than his own mysterious canvases full of similar random shreds of form and color. - This is me? - This is you. - I think it's always better not to arbitrarily stereotype a... - now, imagine a third person in the museum. This is me, I'll look at the pollock and the knockoff. I like the pollock for its rhythm and originality. The knockoff has some qualities I like, but it's half a century too late, it's not original. And the longer I look at it, the less I like it, why? Because I hear a little voice inside me saying, Christ, my kid could paint this. And then I hear another voice inside me saying, you don't have a kid, and you sound like a tourist from Kentucky. You're not part of the cool crowd. Other people get it, not you though. And then I hear a third voice in my head. No, Maya, it's okay, you do get it, this really is a mediocre painting. This really could've been painted by a kid or even a cimputer. And then the people in my head start arguing. - Are you saying that my work is... - shit? Not quite, it's more like chewed but undigested food. You're young, there's hope for you. - In the back corner. That piece. Do you consider that good art? - That's a different story, that's not paint. That's blood and human brain matter. Isn't that terrible? But hey, you like cerebral art. She had lung cancer. That was her very last painting, a perverse friend of mine bought it at an auction for my birthday last year. - Hm, I think what you and your museum-going self and your third self are missing is a purposeful negation. This is apparently counterintuitive. Okay. Purposefulness would seem to have a positive component, yes? It positively is negation. But here's where I might take issue with my own poem. Negation positively is negation, but only within a conceptual system, the perhaps a priori system of logical coherence. So what I'm doing isn't really writing, but unwriting, you see? My negation has no positive aspect, it simply isn't. - That's marvelous. - Thank you. - Did you really say my negation has no positive aspect to me? - Yes. Yeah, I think it's blatant at the third line, apacity. - Do you have a wife? Or a girlfriend? - No, no, not exactly. - Are you able to carry out a difficult task from beginning to end? It's no good, just get in there and roughen it up. Cut was not finished, you need to cut. Jesuit priest, what were you thinking? It's actually in very poor taste. - Just give me two seconds, one, two, three... - why don't you go home and rewrite this and come back, all right? - 21, 22. 23, 24. - Everything is turning sharper. This is called being old. It turns sharp for a moment before it turns blurry, everything does, at a certain age. What is this species of thought that is not a memory because it never happened, but so memory-like? This thought of myself at 40 maybe. Holding a baby. - There's such a strange green. Amphibian green in this view. - I like your sweater, where'd you buy it? - This? - Mm. I don't, I don't remember. - Come on, don't tell me you don't remember. That's a $400 sweater. - What kind of tree is this? - Horse Chestnut. - Chest nut. Chest... - what? - What? You have a lot of glass. Are these all filled with glass? - I have a lot of porcelain and stemware. - Stemware. Don't you like how all these anglo-Saxon words? - What's this? - That's when they crush into each other. - Mm. - Chestnut, stemware. Foxfire. Footstool. - Outhouse. Rat hole. Hm, rat hole. - Mouthwash. Are you trying to ingratiate yourself by playing language games? - What? No. I was... - it's okay. I like the word, Chestnut, hummingbird. Nightmare. - Of course you do. I know, you use it as an adjective in... - please, don't quote me to me. - Okay. - Are you gay? - What? I was just, um. Rat hole. I know about porcelain. - What? - I know about the colors. - What does this mean, you know about porcelain. - You probably already know this, but there were these chemists in Vincennes. These chemists they would um, grind the colors. Then they started to experiment. I think they first had some success with yellow. And then Lapis blue, like, Lapis blue like in this piece here. You already know that. - Tell me. - Well, then, in 1750-something they, they discovered green. And then blue Celeste. And then they discovered the rose colors last. And then they killed the king and queen and some of the porcelain makers. Also I was in Chicago. And the porcelain collection at the art institute, there's this plate, or a serving platter, and on it is a scene of what they call peasant life, or pastoral life. It's a green and rose design, and written around the rim the platter's rim, pensent-ils Au raisin? - Are they thinking about the grapes? - Yes. And I was with my friend Marie at the time. And she saw the plate first and translated the caption, and somehow I misheard her, and I thought that she'd said are they thinking about the Greeks? - Where are you going with this? - I'm not going anywhere, um. I just thought it was beautiful that there could be some people on a plate and then some other people eating off the plate in the 18th century, just some people in the 18th century in France being asked by a plate if maybe the people they were eating off of might be thinking about the Greeks? - Are you responsible? - Responsible? - Do you pay all your bills on time? Do you respond to emails? - I don't, I don't really have that many bills. - Why are you living in Texas? - I don't know. My mother lives there. - Are you one of these, codependent with your mother? - So this is silicon valley? - You're on top of the south wall of silicon valley. - Kevin said you grow grapes? - Top acre. I don't do it, a company does it and gives me a cut. - Why are you going to kill yourself? You could write five more books like the Monday metaphysics. - Is that your favorite book of mine? - Maybe. - I was 31 when I wrote that. Do you think I'm remotely similar to whatever woman wrote that book? - Are those gunshots? - Ah, my wacky neighbor. Nothing alarming, target practice, several times a week. - I think you're similar. I think that you could write good books that aren't similar to your old books. I don't think you should do it. - Are you here to inherit my estate or to convince me not to kill myself? - I don't know why I'm here. I just don't like the idea of death, just sitting there. - Mm. - What's this horseshit people telling me? - You know, it's worked for a few others. Plath, sexton, Woolf. It kind of jolts you into a different category. - Blech, tastes like horseshit. Shit of a horse. - You know, priests don't pay taxes, neither should we. - Who's we? - Us. Culture creators. Not you, you're a tune-inner drop-outer. You're anti-culture. - Culture my yeast. - Exactly. - Fucking bacteria. Prepare your brain. I'm gonna teach you a new paradox, crocodile paradox. A crocodile snatches a drag queen from a riverbank. The queen mother is there for some reason and pleads with the crocodile, please don't eat my son. The croc says your majesty, I will only not eat your daughter if you can guess correctly whether or not I'm really gonna eat your skinny-ass daughter. So there's no problem if the mother guesses that the crocodile won't eat her son. She's either right or wrong. But if she guesses he will eat him, it's fucked up. - You told me this one years ago, without the queens. Do you still nap? - I don't know. - I used to nap. If I got caught, by Ismail even, I'd lie and say I wasn't sleeping. It's so undignified to be caught sleeping in the middle of the day. - Yeah but if the mother is right and the crocodile really is gonna eat her son, then he has to return him. Fucked up. I wouldn't publicly joke about suicide. What are you doing? - Sailing to Byzantium. Were you surprised I invited you up here? - I don't know, do you have a lot of guys applying? - Mm. But did you feel encouraged after our first phone call? - Uh. I felt like you understand that I'm an adult. Like you could tell I don't fuck up. - I researched you on the Internet. I read your little squib in n plus one. Do you dislike Americans as much as you dislike the Russians and the Israelis? - Well, I'm egalitarian, you know? I think all cultures and ethnicities should suffer the same amount of abuse, Turks piss me off for example. - My ex is a Turk. - Yeah, I know. - You know? - Sure. - What about Chinese? - Um, bribery, dragon breath. Too many male people. - Swiss? - Smug, boring, white, mm. - Saudis? - Oh Saudis, yeah sure, Saudis, if a woman in Saudi Arabia wants to press charges, she needs four witnesses. So as long as you gangbang with only three friends. - Canadians. - Boring. - Mexicans? - I don't have a problem with Mexicans. - Hm. - How am I doing? - Doing what? - Do you like me, do you see me as executor material? - Possibly, what's your familiarity with publishing? - I have an agent, she can't get my book a deal, though. - Why not? - Probably it isn't very good. - Why not? - I don't know, maybe the same reason you're... - perhaps it's the opposite reason. - Yeah, maybe. But can I ask you a borderline rude direct question? Are you sick? Do you have something terminal? - I wouldn't tell you if I did, but no. - Well if I were terminal, I'd probably take a bunch of heroin. You ever try it? - No. - I tried it. - What's heroin like? - Well it's not like 600 orgasms or whatever people say. It was pleasant. I vomited a little and fell asleep. - I have no interest in heroin, but I wonder if your description of the drug says more about you than about the drug. - Yeah, maybe. - Would you describe yourself as a sensual person? - I would describe myself as cunning. - Mm. - Yeah, my brain is fast enough to fake its way through any sensual experience. And then, you know, what's the difference? - The difference between sensuality and fake sensuality? There's a tremendous difference. - Yeah, maybe, I'm skeptical though. Like I can work myself into a hell of a metaphysical mood if I need to. Meanwhile, I have friends who feel so much, who couldn't live their lives without wine and amazing sex. They're miserable people. - They should kill themselves. - Yeah, except apparently not one of them has written anything good enough to justify... - you understood me then, what I was saying a minute ago. You understand I'm never being glib. - Yeah, yeah, I understood you. I get everything the first time. - Mm. - You don't have to play these cat and mouse games with me, I mean you can, if you want to, but you don't have to. - What am I up to, then? - Sure, I get why you're doing this. - Hm. - Well you've got some terminal disease and you probably like what you wrote 20 years ago but you don't like what you're writing now, and probably other people agree. - Hm. - And so you figure if you go off and pull a foster Wallace, you'll be doing your good books a favor. And good books need all the help they can get these days, especially when they're competing with bad books like mine, you know my agent's still pushing. It probably will happen, too. Well it's too bad for everyone. Cause my book will take up space. A few thousand people will read it and there are 10,000 of me. Yeah, so, I get it. Good writing is not good enough anymore. You have to kill yourself, or someone else. - Are you a closet right-winger? - Well I wouldn't mind selling this place and dividing the money between myself and nine friends. - If I decide you're right for this, I don't care what you do with the property, but what about your politics, especially regarding women? - Women. - Yes, I know. But if I'm going to trust you with my afterlife, I need to know that you believe in the very real mental existence of women. - Do I look skeptical of your mental existence? - Uh, yeah. - No no no, that's bullshit, I don't have that problem. I don't have alienation issues. - Possibly that's why you describe your own book as not very good. - No, come on. What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not an idiot? - You're done, you're done, you're done. Oh no, not on the menu, not on the menu, absolutely not! No, no! Ah! Ah! I'm going to kill you! I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill you! I'm going to kill you! I understand. You had to fuck me to prove... - it's no big deal, I always fuck a woman after I go down on her. What should we do now? - Now we watch you get off my land, you're out. You can't be my executor. - Do you have any alcohol? I'd really like a drink. - It's all over the kitchen. Go make me a drink, you little bitch. You know, I know at least 10 women who'd call what you just did rape. - I'm glad you aren't one of those 10 women. - What are you reading right now? - You know not much, actually. I find myself without a lot of Patience in my 30s. You know, it's weird. You'd think I'd have more Patience. - You're uglier than I first realized. - Yeah, well my phone and my computer have killed off my ability to be beautiful and read. I read the whole mess in my 20s. That was the end of reading. Now I just write and skim and write and skim. I read your novel in my 20s. I haven't read your poetry. - You should, you might learn some fucking grace. The three books I wrote in my 30s. Those are what sycophants call genius. One, two, three. Like little neutron stars. - So your own mind managed to impress you, yeah? - Not now, the light's gone out. But in my 30s, yes, my mind was very good. I felt it, then, I loved it. It was like a set of strings, all intertwined. But not tangled, not tangled like necklaces. But like a 10 or 11 dimensional hammered dulcimer. Then in my 30s. - I'll, I'll make you a deal. You make me your heir and executor, and I'll read all your books and write a hagiography of you and spend my 30s telling everyone how beautiful a dulcimer you were. - You can't be my executor, you're out, I told you already. - Yeah? - Out. Out. - Let me finish my drink. - Yeah, you can finish your drink, that's the law, you know. The laws of hospitality are older than poetry even. Cheers. - So um, when could I come back? - Let me check my calendar. - I uh, I play the violin, you know. - Next week, next Thursday. That's the neighbor, nothing. - I'm not free on Thursdays. I wait tables, I'm a fucking plebe. - You're free on Thursdays if you want to come back. - Okay, see you next Thursday. - Tomfiddlery, clusterfuckery. Clusterfuck I'm going where, I don't know, I don't care. Clusterfuck. - You don't even live near other people. - I live near you and all your junk. If I, I'd start over, I'd go live in Istanbul. Maybe paint some crazy shit. Isn't that awful when a writer says, maybe I'll take up painting? - You're just fucked up, Maya. You're behaving like a lonely person. You need to drop acid and make new friends. Why don't you go to burning man? - A person can live right on the bosphorus. It's still kind of cheap there, you know. With my grapes and my land and what it's worth. Even nicer places along the water on the Asian side, for decades. Unless Turkey blows up in civil war by the end of the year. - Do you miss Ismail? What happened to your pact? - What pact? - The one where you get back together when he turned 60. - You remember that? Hm. Pacts are for pachyderms. You smell pretty good for someone who - outdoor showers get you just as clean as indoor. It's okay to admit when you miss someone. - I don't miss Ismail. I do miss Turkish men, though. I'd like to meet another Turkish man. Look, at our age one can either live in a healthy state of denial or an unhealthy state of mortality. I live in the mortality, and so, you know, for me, everything is starting to have this ghostly profundity, exactly because nothing is, in fact, profound. And there are no ghosts. And because I have no one at all. The only thing that matters to me are the books I wrote years ago. That's it, that's it. That's all I care about. - What is this? - My boat. All this junk was here when I bought the land. - I like your boat very much. - You know there's another boy, man, whatever you all are. His writing is not as good as yours. But there is competition. Paul. He's not like you at all. He's not a mama's boy. Would you like to meet him? - Meet him here? - Yeah, at my house. He comes twice a week. - No. I mean, um, no, I'd prefer not. - That might just be too bad. - Are you angry at me? - No. - I'm not obsessed with my mother. I don't live in Texas because of my mother. - Oh, no? - No, my mother was terrible, when I was little. - Oh yeah, what terrible things did she do? - She slept with men. - That sounds just awful. - Hundreds of them. - Was she a prostitute? Was she? - No. - Well, I can't have a man taking over my posthumous rep if he doesn't like mean old libidinous women. - My mother wasn't mean or old or even so libidinous. She just, she was a person with terrible values. She wanted to be a news anchor on television. - And? - And she tried and tried, and nobody gave her what she wanted, but they just kept teasing her and having sex with her. And they were all horrible people. - And now you're into poetry and porcelain. Poor little flower. I don't feel bad for you. It's getting dark. Go back to your hotel. Uh, maybe not idiotic, mediocre is the word. His, um, soft-core dialogue he writes, this pseudo-red-light-district shit. I don't like books by men like that. - Yeah, well, you're missing out. - Hello, Ismail, how's the weather in my head? How's the weather in Byzantium? You old Trojan rooster. - I don't want to hear the criticism. - That was luck. - We can just let silence continue. - Just read it, Ansel. I think I've had some water in my ear for a few weeks. Read it to me. - Fell when the wax melted, fell in through an aneurysm in a thought of wall into a grand reception hall like in an 18th century hotel. And there stood you in schism-blue eyeflooding floor length gown, and all your books and things around you, you had given them them to wingless me, who wrote this note to you. It said, don't hurt yourself. I'm asking you, it said, it said I fell in through a rip in the paper. - You're a sweet boy, Ansel, thank you. One almost imagines you're the kind of reactionary who writes because he felt something, and not just because he wants to be published. There might be an unpublished novel here somewhere on the property. Given the corporate takeover of publishing, I think a Maya Dardel novel's worth an advance of maybe $100,000 if I'm living, but I think a million maybe if I'm dead. - That's not why I'm here. - Did I hurt your feelings again? Why are you here, dear boy? - Because it, it shouldn't be anyone else, if you have to do it. - Why? - Because I understand your work. I understand it, I can read it in its six or seven layers or matrices or whatever you think of them as. - Them? - The layers, the combining and harmonic themes and sounds and senses, and you know what I'm talking about. - You're making poetry sound like some rare form of luminous math. - Well, isn't it, kind of? - Maybe it is. You know this poem, despite that it's written to me, is really quite impressive. Um, but there are some risks in it, though, right? - What risks? - Well, schism-blue for example. It's interesting to imagine the shade of blue that is the schism shade. The blue of divorce, of mental breakdown, of civil war uniforms. Yeah, yes, and it's interesting to imagine in the other direction, a schism that is um, blue in quality. But there's a certain fetishism in just plunking it in the poem. Um, it, uh, it shows your hand a little. - I don't mind showing my hand. - Well, you should. - Plus it rhymes, plus it adds to the Icarus theme so that's four uh, layers there and... - yes, your poetry is layered. As I said, it's impressive, more impressive than my way of talking about it probably implies. But that's not the point. Your schism-blue is a little too obviously infatuated with its own layered prettiness. - Oh well, that only matters right now, I mean, when I'm dead, if people read my books, they'll, if people read books when I'm dead, they'll um, think of my schism-blue eye flooding floor the way they look at Joyce's smoke blue mobile eyes. Or hart crane's rip-tooth of the sky's acetylene. - Sure, sure, death beautifies even the ugliest vanity. Ever looked at photographs of contemporary authors, pompous, and have you ever thought about how romantic they will seem in 100 years? We're soon to be extinct, I think. We're like the dodos and the aristocrats. So this is my surprise? Very impressive. I don't eat mushrooms from my driveway. - Why not? If I'm wrong, and there's only a 1% chance that I am, then um, the worst thing that'll happen is that we'll die. You want that. - Yeah, but Ansel, I don't want to die in pain, covered with my own vomit and yours. - These are Chanterelles. I'd like to make you an omelet. Do you have any um, any interesting cheeses? Hm. Garlic? - I have some strange Israeli frozen garlic. Um, it's really from, it's probably actually from China and covered with pulverized horse. I'm gonna put this for 30 minutes. If we're alive when it goes off, hurrah for us. Tell me more about this harlot mother. - Mine? - Yes, yours. Mine was a simpleton with no desires. I'm interested in ambitious women, even shallow ones. - My mother's never honest. She plays games. - Give me an example. - I don't know, she doesn't realize she's playing mind games. And then I'm forced to play them with her. - Like you're forced to play with me? - No, you're very aware of the games you play. - Is she my age? - Slightly older. - How does she mindfuck you? Give me examples. - She claimed that she didn't get any sleep at all because she had this dream that she and my sister and I were all at some... - you have a sister? - Zoe, yes. - Mm. - And in this dream that she claims that she had, Karl, my father's brother, knocked me over the head with a microphone stand and told me that my father wasn't my real father, but that my father was my sister's real father. - Zoe's older? - She's younger. Anyway she called me to tell me she dreamed that. - What did you say? - I said I don't know if I find people's dreams interesting, but I certainly find people's interest in their own dreams interesting. - Mm. Do you think you're your father's son? - I do, I think my mother had a bad dream and couldn't help but jab me with it, just to put a little needle in me. - Hm, maybe she wanted attention. - She always wants attention. - Were you nice to her about it? - I was nice, I guess. - Mm. We have 15 minutes. 'Til the toxin takes effect. Do you know the first signs of mushroom poisoning in a pregnant woman? Her breasts shoot milk. I read this in a novel, so it must be true. Your body confuses the toxin arresting your system for a baby. I like that. Ever heard of ovarian insufficiency? There's material for a bad poet. Hm, go get the phone. I'd ask you to use your own but reception is so weak up here. - Who are you calling? - Your mother, of course. - What, why? - In these last minutes of your life, it's important to tell those close to you what you really think about them. Go ahead. Tell your mother what you told me, that she's unsophisticated and manipulative. You want my estate, don't you? - Yes, just stop asking that. - How much do you want it? - I think... I could live here with and take care of you, whether you were dead or alive. - Go ahead, take care of me. Show me you'll do perverse things out of loyalty to me. We don't have all day. - I made a mistake. I don't think she's gonna... - hello? - Hi. No, it's me. No, I just wanted to tell you something. I want to tell you something. No. No, no, you don't have a choice. The city makes you pay them. No, I want to tell you something. Will you let me speak? You're a solipsist. - What? - A solipsist. You don't know anything about anybody but you. You don't know why people do things. No, you think that people either are against you or obsessed with you, there's, you don't really see any grayer areas. No, you don't know how you're perceived. Please, please don't cry. - Tell her those news anchor barbarians, that they used her for sex. And your sister's name is Zoe, right? Tell her Zoe hates her. Zoe hates her. - Zoe hates you. She hung up before I said that. - Thank you, you did well. Go clean your face. Are you really walking your rat dogs or did you come over here to check on me? - Which boy was that? - That's Paul. - Hmm, what if somebody called the cops? You ever thought about that? Someone called the cops on me a buncha times. - The police already called. - Oh, yeah? - Several weeks ago. I told them I was proud of them for listening to NPR. Ah, this social worker cop, his name's Alfonso. Do you like the name Alfonso? Could you unsarcastically fuck a man with that name? - I've never sarcastically fucked anyone. That's your department. - I told him thanks for your interest in contemporary literature and no, I'm not a threat to myself but merely someone who enjoys speaking in metaphors. - Oh god. Go already, squat. - And I told them if they started listening to other interviews with writers, they would have to worry, we're all threats to our own person. You're more of a threat to others, I'd say. - I'm going to drop acid on Sunday. - This is a great idea. I need your help with something. - I'm pretty much immune to it, these days. - I need you to know that I'm utterly sane. Even if I go. - No, no, no. - Yes, dear, it's um, it's time to sail away. - You do, and I'll piss on your grave. - Well, as Ansel says, I'm a cruel person. - You better not be. - However I'm perfectly sane. Whatever I do, I do out of pure will, okay? Not hysteria. - What you did yesterday was... - I know, I know. - Why did you make me do that? - I, I don't know. I get carried away by power. I really like it. I think maybe I haven't had enough of it. People don't like a woman with too much power. I'd run for president except a monstrous woman isn't sympathetic. Monstrous men do get elected, and I wasn't born here. - You should go back to teaching. - Except I don't like my power so defined, institutionally circumscribed, I like raw power. - That sounds like something that someone very young would say. - You're right, of course. That's what happens, whatever I say sounds false. Talking about death is a lot like dividing by zero, you know, because it generates these error messages. - I know, my father... - and it's not even a romantic illusion about posterity, either. It's a sober judgment of the very meager value of my books weighed against the even more obscenely meager value of my person. Toughen up, Ansel. The things I do are merely mildly horrible and cruel. I'm actually maybe fond of you. And furthermore your mother's probably lovely, sympathetic even. You're probably dead wrong about her. Everyone should hear how miserably misperceived they are. Communication would be less of a Clusterfuck if everyone knew how much of a Clusterfuck it is. - Hello? - Ansel? - Hi. - You're coming tomorrow. - Yes. - Good. I have something for you. One can look at it however many ways. One's time alone. A succession of isolated instances, or 10 years in a row of 10. One 10 year moment, or 10,000 ax heads hitting wood, or whetstones hitting ax heads, or my heart beating half a billion times. Then there's the speed of light. - Fuck. - Fuck. - Fuck. - Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. - I'm saying, no, I'm saying that everyone is a hypocrite, is, you know, especially someone who says she isn't. - You can say whatever you like. I won't sit here and argue with you. Only uncertain people have to argue. Fuck. - Hello? - Who the fuck is that? - Uh. - Let me help you out with that. No, come on, you're going to hurt yourself, alright? Come on. Give me the ax. - Okay, okay, okay, okay. This is homoerotic and fun, but let's do something else. Let's raise the stakes. On your way up here, did you notice a broken green gate four gates down from mine? My wacko neighbor? - Is this the guy who likes to fire off his gun? - Exactly. Anyway she woke up one morning - with an erection. - - She? - And claimed the few feet of land right before my gate belonged to her. - This is a woman who likes to shoot her gun? - Yeah, why not? The second amendment should be only for women, actually. Anyway, one night she chainsawed down my mailbox to add to her ex-husband's hoard of junk. - Did you call the cops? - I was going to take her to court, but I forgot. But now that you're both here with all this male aggression. I'd like you to run over and get my mailbox. Whoever brings the mailbox back moves into first place. - I don't think it's a, I don't think it's a good idea. Wait. - I'm getting the fucking box, you go back with Maya. - No, I thought that the best strategy would be to have a strategy. - Yeah, I have a strategy. - Okay, but I think it's important to not strike her as, as aggressive, you know. - Okay, whatever. - The ax, oh. This is just really bad planning, it's just really bad. I mean, we should just ask her for it. Hello? Excuse me, is there anybody here? - FBI. - Oh, god! Oh, we're friends. We, we're, we're neighbors. - Secret service, BIA. There goes everything. Suck my dick. - Can you put the, put the gun down? - State your business. - I promise, I come here with, with good intentions. I'm friends with Maya Dardel. - Oh, that bitch. She drives up my road, up my ass. Now I'm a very private person. - But um. - I'm a people. - I'm here to make peace. Uh, I know about the uh, the land dispute and uh, I'd like to offer you, uh, $300 for um, Maya's mailbox. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow. You can't buy a whole country. Shit. - Sure, sure. - Oh, worry, Billy. Right, I forgot the plan. The plan, the plan, the plan, the plan. Oat bran. - What? - Oat bran. A man was sentenced to death. What, what? Okay. We gotta move. - Move. - Okay. - Move move move move. - We can, we could talk this out... - Go, go, go. - If you want. - This way. Move it, move it, move it. This is the paradox of the unexpected hanging. It's from the 1950s. As the crocodile said himself, you can't know which day you're gonna die. So it can't be next Sunday. - Why not? - Ah, because. The judge says the hanging will take place on one of the seven days of next week. You will not know which day you'll be hanged. You'll be hanged on a day you don't expect. - Hello. - But on Thursday, to the prisoner's huge fucking surprise, the hangman arrives and says, I'm gonna hang you in an hour. - Fuck. - Please, please don't kill me. - Kill you? - Jesus Christ. Ah! What? I, I told you then, you chose not to hear me. So I let you play a little longer. - Are you serious? - Mm hm, he wins, you lose. You lost the first time you came up here. Then what the fuck have I been doing up here making this pathetic baby look bad? - Ansel is a better writer than you are. He's not pathetic, he's just sheltered. What's so horrible about that? - Are you fucking kidding me? - It's never been a real competition. I've been using you to see if Ansel's capable. I need someone who can defend the posthumous Maya against your type. They'll try to make me into unstable or hysterical or who knows what. They'll butcher my books, they'll rape my dead body. They'll turn me into Plath. - You wish. - You see? You see. - What about the money I've spent on gas? You know I skipped work again last Thursday. Are you saying I get nothing? - You got to fuck me, didn't you? - Oh, what an honor. I'm just lucky I took that initiative, you know, because you would have just left me with blue balls. You know, I don't even think you're even gonna have the cojones to kill yourself. - Take a step back, Paul. I don't like you hovering. - Oh, you don't like me hovering? You're never gonna kill yourself. I know you, you'll rot up here for years. You just, you just wanted some attention from some guy who would never look at you on a city street. So you hide up here like a little witch, you do your make-up oh so carefully and you lure us up here to lick your old pussy, because, hey, I don't see any fucking hot young 24-year-olds fucking up your local monopoly on womanhood. Are you fucking serious? - Out, you're out. You don't talk to me like that in my own house, you're out! - I'm not out. You're out. - You're out. Ansel! - Get the fuck back! - You're out, out! Get out! Out! - I'm fucking sick of you! - Get off of her! - Fuck, fuck! You fuck-ups. I'm not even violent, I, you know what, you get what you deserve. I don't know anyone with one ounce of testosterone who wouldn't fucking defend himself from you lunatics. Are you okay? [Paul screams I'm fucking outta here. Sociopaths! - You need to navigate this exactly because they're not going to find a body, and I don't want you having to wait seven years before... - yeah, I um, I memorized your binder system on Monday. - Alright, alright, fine. You'll talk about all this again with your new lawyer. All mine is yours, even my lawyer. - Thank you, Maya. - Don't thank me. He's an anarchist, and I'm a monster. This may all end up being a nasty con-job. I took out a giant loan on this land about a year ago and put the money in a little mafia boutique bank in the Cayman Islands. - Yeah, I read that in the yellow binder. Why did you do that? - Complicated. A dishonest broker, my own mistakes. - Hmm. What is this? - I don't know, looks like junk. - Maybe something that blew over here in the windstorm from Nora's junk-heap. - Looks like it's uh, some sort of tube made out of a, made out of cloth. Here. Please hold it. - Ech. Ah, is there a plan here, what are we doing? - Put your head inside. - No thanks. - Please, Maya. Come on. Come on. Hi. - Hi. - It's like Eden in here. - You don't get the money in the Cayman Islands. Does that change your loyalty to me, to my work? - I don't care about money. - Oh, no? You're not corrupt like me. - No, I mean that I have enough. - Enough what? - Money from, from my father dying. - Not enough to keep this land, though. - Oh, I don't know. I'll talk about it with your lawyer, when you're uh, when you're gone. - Oh, what a relief. - What? - My fucking ear just unplugged. I'll be gone in 10 minutes. - Really? - Uh huh. - It's so early. - Come. - Wait a second. Um, I have something for you. It's uh, I wrote it down for you to take. - Hmm? - It's a description of Dinesen, of Karen Blixen. - Karen Blixen, not my favorite. - Okay, um, but this was written by one of the few men who liked her that managed not to fall into her entourage of slaves. It's kind of just, I'm just, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna read it for you. She knew everything about the sublimation of loss, about suffering as the nourishment of genius, about pain's residence as Harmony in a work of art. And all the same she yielded to the most banal human moods and impulses. Pettiness, impatience, caprice, stinginess. She suffered from a craving for power despite her generosity. She toyed with human fates despite her contempt for such toying. She suffered from self-contempt in spite of her mighty, legitimate self-confidence and pride. She was a paradox, outside of any moral category, and also, a bad judge. - Now uh, help me load up the car. I can't carry any of these. It's amazing how much cosmetics and clothing a woman needs just to end her own life. In a window, I recognized you. You must be the one I can't name. The man with a faint voice. Behind my voice. I thought it too was mine. The Cadence was borrowed. Thick, muscular chords. Like those in the baritone's throat one day in Europe somewhere. Years ago, with a friend who since died. If clocks can be trusted with one's life. In some temple or chapel we paid to hear a man sing. I thought I recognized in the baritone Sonic and temporal glass, in the thickness of that, a note of my own. An affinity there. Where such ciphers as love and infinity's brook known maudlin or essential sense, but anyway somehow sing. Like one sings to a child who can't touch. Out there in the part of my voice that remains unselfconscious. I thought I saw you in the window there. In that part of town. I thought you would look like me. But you must be an adopted son. |
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