1
HEY, MAZ.
TWO MINUTES TO AIR.
THANKS, BUDDY.
OH, MY GOD.
TWO MINUTES TILL AIR.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
THIS IS MY OWN SPECIAL.
I'M NOT THAT SPECIAL.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.
GOT TO DO A WHOLE -- GOT TO DO
A WHOLE HOUR OF MATERIAL?
FORGET IT.
I'M OUT OF HERE.
SHEIK?!
DAMN RIGHT!
MAZ 'JABRONI'!
JOBRANI.
-WHAT?
-JOBRANI.
-NOT JABRONI?
-J-JOBRANI.
JABRONI.
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS!
I DON'T GIVE A
YOU WANT TO BE A MAN, OR YOU
WANT TO BE PUSSY?
I WANT TO BE A MAN.
PERFECT! AND THEN YOU HAVE TO
PAY FOR YOUR DUE.
IF YOU CANNOT DO IT,
I'M GONNA SUPLEX YOU,
I'LL PUT YOU
IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH,
AND I'LL YOUR ASS!
I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE!
HUMBLE!
OR NO?!
YES, I UNDERSTAND, SHEIK.
I UNDERSTAND.
I GOT TO BE A MAN!
I DON'T WASTE MY TIME
AROUND THE JABRONI PEOPLE.
I AM THE NUMBER-ONE COACH --
"IRON SHEIK" KHOSROW VAZIRI --
IN THE WORLD,
SO I PAY FOR MY DUE.
YOU PUSSY!
YOU CANNOT PAY FOR YOUR DUE!
YOU CANNOT HANDLE A HIT,
TAKE A WALK.
I CAN DO IT, SHEIK.
I CAN DO IT!
I'M FROM SHOW-ME CITY --
MISSOURI.
SHOW ME, I'LL BELIEVE IT.
OTHERWISE, I YOUR ASS.
I'LL MAKE YOU HUMBLE.
SHEIK, I'M GONNA DO IT!
I'M GONNA DO IT FOR YOU, SIR!
HERE I GO, SHEIK.
-I'M A MAN!
-SHOW IT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
-MAZ JOBRANI!
WHAT'S HAPPENING, LOS ANGELES?!
HOW ARE YOU GUYS? WOW!
THANK YOU. WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU?
HOW ARE YOU?
WELCOME, WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?
HI, WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO HAVE YOU.
WELCOME, WELCOME.
HOW ARE YOU? WELCOME,
WELCOME, WELCOME, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
PLEASE, PLEASE, ON THE RUG.
PLEASE, ON THE RUG.
PLEASE. PLEASE.
TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF,
THEN ON THE RUG. PLEASE.
OH, MAN,
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
LET ME HEAR THE PERSIANS.
PERSIANS IN THE HOUSE.
PERSIANS.
NON-PERSIANS?
NON-PERSIANS?
ALL RIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE SURROUNDED,
BUT IT'S ALL GOOD.
IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE --
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHAT'S FUNNY -- NOBODY KNOWS
HOW MANY PERSIANS,
OR MIDDLE EASTERNERS IN GENERAL,
THERE ARE IN AMERICA.
NOBODY KNOWS. NOBODY KNOWS.
'CAUSE WE DON'T ANSWER
CENSUS BUREAUS.
YEAH, THE RANGE
IS FROM 300,000 TO 3 MILLION.
THAT'S A WIDE RANGE.
'CAUSE IF A RANDOM PERSON
CALLS OUR HOUSE
AND STARTS ASKING QUESTIONS,
WE'RE AFRAID THE FBI
IS SHOWING UP NEXT.
RIGHT, WHEN THE CENSUS BUREAU
CALLS UP, YOU KNOW --
"HELLO, SIR. HOW MANY PEOPLE
LIVE IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?"
WE'RE LIKE, "UH...ZERO."
"WHAT'S YOUR INCOME?"
"ZERO."
"HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
"ZERO."
"WHERE YOU FROM?"
"I DON'T KNOW.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"
THAT'S THE OTHER TECHNIQUE
WE HAVE,
IS YOU ANSWER A QUESTION
WITH A QUESTION.
GREAT TECHNIQUE.
YOU GUYS --
MY AMERICAN FRIENDS, USE IT.
IT WORKS.
LIKE, LAST YEAR,
THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN
WAS DOING AN INTERVIEW
ON "60 MINUTES,"
AND HE USED THAT TECHNIQUE.
IT WAS AMAZING.
THE INTERVIEWER ASKED HIM,
HE GOES,
"SO, DO YOU HAVE
A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"
HE GOES, "I DON'T KNOW.
O YOU HAVE A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"
THE REPORTER GOES,
"EVERYBODY KNOWS
AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM."
HE GOES, "DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
AMERICA HAS A NUCLEAR PROGRAM?"
THE GUY GOT FRUSTRATED.
HE GOES, "OKAY, INTERVIEW OVER."
HE GOES,
"IS THIS INTERVIEW OVER?"
WE'RE VAGUE. THAT'S HOW WE ARE.
BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO BE
SPECIFIC IN ANY OF OUR ANSWERS.
LIKE, ASK A MIDDLE EASTERNER
WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING.
YOU'LL NEVER
GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
ASK A PERSIAN DUDE
WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.
"HEY, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR A LIVING?"
THEY'LL BE LIKE, "ME?
FOR A LIVING?
FOR THE LIVING? ME?
FOR THE LIVING? ME?
FOR A LIVING?
WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING? ME?
MM..."
"IMPORT/EXPORT."
BE LIKE,
"WHAT DO YOU IMPORT/EXPORT?"
"THIS AND THAT."
"WHERE DO YOU DO IT?"
"HERE AND THERE."
"WHERE YOU FROM?"
"EVERYWHERE.
I'M FROM EVERYWHERE.
HERE ARE YOU FROM, MY FRIEND?"
THAT'S HOW WE HANDLE IT.
WE DON'T GET TOO POLITICAL.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WE DON'T LIKE TO GET INVOLVED
WITH POLITICS
'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE
KNOWING ABOUT OUR TASTES
AND WHAT WE'RE DOING AND STUFF.
THE WAY
WE GET INVOLVED POLITICALLY
IS WE HAVE AN E-MAIL LIST.
YEAH, THERE'S A PERSIAN
E-MAIL LIST.
LOT OF PERSIANS ARE ON IT.
MY AMERICAN FRIENDS AREN'T,
BUT, LIKE,
THE PERSIAN E-MAIL LIST,
ANYTIME ANYTHING HAPPENS IN THE
PERSIAN COMMUNITY, I HEAR IT.
I GET THE E-MAIL. ANYTIME.
LIKE, A FEW YEARS AGO,
THE MOVIE "300" CAME OUT.
PERSIANS WERE PISSED.
I GOT THE E-MAIL.
I GOT THE E-MAIL, YOU KNOW?
"THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN!"
"THIS IS BULLSHIT, MAN!
300 SPARTANS KICK OUR ASS.
NO WAY, MAN!
I KICK THEIR ASS MYSELF!"
"THE OTHER DAY, I'M WALKING DOWN
SUNSET BOULEVARD.
THIS GUY SAYS TO ME,
'EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU PERSIAN?'
I SAY, 'ARE YOU SPARTAN?'"
"I KICK HIS ASS!
HE GO BACK TO SPARTA.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE THAT IS!"
THE PERSIAN E-MAIL LIST.
IT EXISTS.
LAST YEAR, FIRST PRIVATE CITIZEN
EVER TO GO INTO OUTER SPACE --
IRANIAN-AMERICAN LADY
NAMED ANOUSHEH ANSARI.
-WHOO!
-THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE PERSIANS, THEY'RE CLAPPING.
THEY WERE ON THE E-MAIL LIST.
MY AMERICAN FRIENDS
DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS EXISTED.
I GOT THE E-MAIL.
I GOT THE E-MAIL.
"WE DID IT, MAN!
WE DID IT, MAN!
WE MADE IT TO OUTER SPACE, MAN.
WE CAN' GET THROUGH AIRPORT SECURITY..."
"...BUT WE MADE I TO OUTER SPACE.
SHE MUST NOT HAVE HAD
ANY LIQUIDS WITH HER THAT DAY.
I WILL FIND HER
AND ASK HER MYSELF."
PERSIAN E-MAIL.
'CAUSE WE'VE HAD IT TOUGH, MAN.
MIDDLE EASTERNERS IN GENERAL,
WE'VE HAD IT TOUGH
THE PAST 30, 40 YEARS
IN AMERICA, HAD IT TOUGH.
SO ANYTIME ANY MIDDLE EASTERN
OR ANY PERSIAN DUDE
OR ANYONE CLOSE TO BEING PERSIAN
DOES ANYTHING GOOD,
MY MOM'S FRIEND
ALWAYS TELLS ME ABOUT IT.
MY MOM'S FRIEND ALWAYS,
"MAZ, MAZ."
ANDRE AGASSI -- IRANIAN."
"'AKASSI', 'AKASSI' --
KA, KA, KA, KA, KA, KA, KA.
IRANIAN NAME -- KA, KA, KA, KA.
IS NOT 'AGUH, GUH, GUH, GUH.
NO -- KA, KA, KA, KA, KA.
IRANIAN.
IRANIAN TENNIS CHAMPION.
IRANIAN."
ANYTHING. SHE GOES, "MAZ, MAZ.
FREDDIE MERCURY OF THE QUEEN --
IRANIAN."
I WAS LIKE, "FREDDIE MERCURY?"
"YEAH, HIS REAL NAME
IS 'FEREDUN MERKHURI.'"
"IRANIAN."
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."
AND THEN SHE STARTED
MAKING STUFF UP.
SHE GOES, "MAZ, TOM CRUISE --
IRANIAN!"
I WAS LIKE,
"TOM CRUISE IS NOT IRA--"
"HE'S IRAN-- I KNOW
HIS MOTHER'S SISTER'S AUNT.
I KNOW THEM.
HIS REAL NAME
IS 'TAMOR KHURUZ.'"
"'KHURUZ' MEANS
'ROOSTER' IN FARSI.
HE WANT TO WIN ACADEMY AWARD --
CHANGE HIS NAME!
IRANIAN!"
OH, MAN.
WE'LL TAKE WHAT WE CAN GET, MAN.
'CAUSE IT'S BEEN TOUGH.
IT'S BEEN TOUGH.
FOR A WHILE, IT WAS BAD.
FOR A WHILE IT LOOKED LIKE IRAN
WAS NEXT, FOR A WHILE.
LOOKED LIKE
THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
WAS ATTACKING COUNTRIES
ALPHABETICALLY IN REVERSE ORDER.
WASN'T LOOKING GOOD.
BUT NOW WE GOT OBAMA.
NOW WE GOT OBAMA,
SO THAT'S COOL.
WE GOT OBAMA NOW.
WE GOT OBAMA, YEAH.
YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD,
BUT THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN
ACTUALLY SEN A CONGRATULATORY LETTER
TO BARACK OBAMA
WHEN HE WON THE PRESIDENCY.
SENT HIM A CONGRATU--
AND I GOT A FRIEND OF MINE
WHO ACTUALLY HAS
SOME CONNECTIONS,
AND HE KNOWS
WHAT WAS IN THE LETTER.
HE TOLD ME.
YEAH, HE DID. HE TOLD ME.
BASICALLY, THE PRESIDENT OF IRAN
WROTE THE LETTER.
YOU KNOW, "DEAR BARACK,
CONGRATULATION.
YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS HUSSEIN.
I HAVE A COUSIN NAMED HUSSEIN.
WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS
ON FACEBOOK."
"BARACK, I WANT TO POKE YOU."
SWEAR TO GOD,
THAT'S WHAT IT SAID.
SWEAR TO GOD. SWEAR...
THAT'S A FACEBOOK TERM, IN CASE
ANY IRANIANS ARE GONNA...
ALL RIGHT?
YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,
CONTACT FACEBOOK, NOT ME.
"WHY YOU SAY 'POKE'?
WHAT IS THAT, MAZ? WHAT IS IT?"
IRAN -- YOU KNOW,
I WAS WORRIED FOR IRAN
WHEN WE WENT TO WAR WITH IRAQ.
BECAUSE "IRAQ"
SOUNDS A LOT LIKE "IRAN,"
AND I WAS WORRIED --
IF THERE WAS ONE PRESIDEN WHO WAS GONNA MESS IT UP
AND BOMB THE WRONG COUNTRY --
GEORGE BUSH, GEORGE BUSH.
NOT TOO GOOD WITH THE ALPHABET.
I ACTUALLY SAW AN INTERVIEW
WITH CONDOLEEZZA RICE
BEFORE THE IRAQ WAR ON CNN,
AND I SWEAR TO GOD, SHE SAID,
"YES, WE ARE GONNA BOMB IRAN --
I MEAN, IRAQ."
SHE DID IT LIKE THAT,
LIKE THE CARTOON.
SHE'S LIKE, "BR-BR-BR-BR-BR!"
I WAS WATCHING AT HOME,
I'M LIKE, "YOU CAN'T MESS IT UP!
YOU'RE THE BRAINS
OF THE OPERATION!
YOU CAN'T MESS IT UP!"
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED,
IF I WERE IRAN,
I WOULD HAVE JUST CHANGED
MY NAME BACK THEN.
I WOULD HAVE CALLED
A PRESS CONFERENCE, BE LIKE,
"THANK YOU FOR COMING,
L.A. TIMES, NEW YORK TIMES,
TIME MAGAZINE.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMEN TO MAKE.
STARTING TODAY,
IRAN IS NOW 'CANADA.'"
"AND IRAQ IS THAT WAY."
"JUST TAKE THE 10,
KEEP GOING EAST.
KEEP GOING EAST.
KEEP GOING."
FROM IRAN, BUT I LOVE THE FAC THAT IT'S A MIXED CROWD.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT.
IN AMERICA,
WE MIX IT UP, WE MIX IT UP.
AND I ACTUALLY -- I MIXED IT UP.
I GOT MARRIED TO SOMEBODY
FROM ANOTHER ETHNICITY.
I GOT MARRIED TO AN
INDIAN WOMAN, AN INDIAN WOMAN.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
GIVE IT UP. SURE.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
I GOT TO SAY, NOT INDIAN LIKE,
"WHOO WHOO WHOO,"
BUT INDIAN LIKE --
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
YEAH, NOT CASINO INDIAN --
COMPUTER INDIAN,
COMPUTER INDIAN.
YEAH, NOT LIKE
ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE,
THREE LITTLE INDIAN
BUT DANG, DA-DA-DANG,
DA-DA-DANG, DA-DA-DANG DANG
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I MARRIED TECH SUPPORT.
I MARRIED TECH SUPPORT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
BEST MOVE I EVER MADE.
BEST MOVE.
ANYTIME I HAVE
A COMPUTER PROBLEM --
"HONEY, WINDOWS XP
ISN'T WORKING" --
SHE'S LIKE,
"I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!"
YOU KNOW?
SHE DOES.
SO SWEET!
ALWAYS ASKS ME
THE SAME QUESTION.
ALWAYS, SHE GOES,
"DID YOU REBOOT THE COMPUTER?
REBOOT THE COMPUTER!
YEAH, BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.
BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.
DON'T REBOOT, BOOT, BOOT.
BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.
BOOT, BOOT, REBOOT.
HAR DA DA, DAR DAR,
DA DA DAR DAR DAR!"
I'M KIDDING.
SHE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THAT.
SHE DOESN'T. SHE GREW UP HERE.
BUT THAT'S A FUN ACCENT TO DO.
ANYTIME YOU FEEL SAD,
JUST GO, "HAR DA DA DAR!"
IT'LL CHEER YOU UP.
SWEAR TO GOD.
GUYS, YOU EVER COME HOME
LATE ONE NIGHT,
YOUR LADY'S LIKE,
"WHERE WERE YOU?"
BE LIKE, "HAR, DA DA DAR!
DA DA DAR DAR DAR!"
SHE'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, HAPU, COME ON IN.
COME ON IN."
TRUTH BE TOLD, MY WIFE -- LEAS TECH-SAVVY INDIAN IN THE WORLD.
YEAH. I GOT A DEFECTIVE INDIAN.
MESSED UP.
DIDN'T EVEN KEEP THE RECEIPT.
I CAN'T RETURN HER.
NO, NO, NO.
I WOULD NEVER FILE FOR DIVORCE.
I WOULD NEVER FILE FOR DIVORCE
'CAUSE I LOVE MY WIFE.
I LOVE MY WIFE.
NEVER FILE --
-WHOO!
THANK YOU, YES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ALSO, I'M A COMEDIAN,
AND SHE'S A LAWYER.
WHO'S GONNA WIN THAT ONE,
RIGHT?
HER CLOSING ARGUMEN WOULD BE LIKE, "HAR DA DAR DA."
BE LIKE, "YOU WIN, YOU WIN."
NO, MAN, IT'S --
IT'S -- IT'S A GREAT THING, MAN.
BEING MARRIED TO HER IS GREAT.
THE ONE THING, THOUGH,
IS SHE IS NOT TECH SAVVY,
AND THIS IS HOW
I FIRST REALIZED THIS --
SHE HAD THIS BlackBerry,
AND THE ALARM WOULD GO OFF
EVERY MORNING AT 5:00 A.M.
AND SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO GET UP.
IT JUST KEPT GOING OFF.
AND I WAS LIKE, "BABE, CAN YOU
TURN OFF THE ALARM, PLEASE?"
AND SHE GOES,
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."
I GO, "OKAY, CAN YOU
TURN OFF THE PHONE, THEN?"
SHE GOES,
"I DON'T KNOW HOW TO."
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO
TURN OFF THE PHONE?
EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW TO
TURN OFF THE PHONE.
YOU JUST PRESS THE RED BUTTON.
PRESS THE RED THING.
PRESS THE RED THING."
SO SHE WAS LIKE THIS.
I WAS LIKE, "NOT YOUR BINDI."
ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I -- WE'RE
ACTUALLY FAR AWAY FROM DIVORCE.
WE ACTUALLY JUST HAD A BABY BOY
FIVE MONTHS AGO.
BABY BOY.
-THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I ALWAYS FEEL WEIRD
WHEN PEOPLE CLAP FOR THAT,
BECAUSE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON
TO HAVE EVER ACHIEVED THIS.
I FEEL WHEN PEOPLE CLAP,
THEY'RE LIKE,
"WOW, MAZ! HOW'D YOU DO IT?
WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT'D YOU DO?"
"YOU KNOW, I PUT MY PENIS
IN HER VAGINA,
AND A LITTLE BABY CAME OUT."
I KNOW SOME OF THE PERSIANS
ARE LIKE, "WHOA!
HE SAID 'PENIS'!
I HAVE TO SEND
AN E-MAIL TONIGHT."
"MAZ JOBRANI SAYS 'PENIS'!"
OKAY, FINE.
HOW ABOUT I SAY I PU MY BOOT-BOOT IN HER REBOO AND A LITTLE HAR DA DAR DA DA
CAME OUT?
IS THAT GOOD?
IS THAT CLEANER
FOR THE PERSIANS?
BUT IT'S COOL, MAN.
WE HAVE AN IRANIAN-INDIAN KID
IN AMERICA.
HOW COOL IS THAT? RIGHT? YEAH.
KID'S GONNA GET HIS ASS KICKED.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
THE KEY IS YOU GOT TO GIVE HIM
A GOOD NAME
SO THAT HE DOESN' GET INTO TROUBLE IN AMERICA.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
WE GAVE HIM A GOOD NAME.
WE NAMED HIM
MUJIBUR MOHAMMED ABDULLAH RAHEEM
OSAMA BIN LADEN JOBRANI.
'CAUSE I NEED THE MATERIAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
BE LIKE, "SON, HOW WAS
YOUR DAY AT SCHOOL?
YOU WERE DEPORTED? FANTASTIC!
CAN WORK THAT INTO MY ACT."
NO, MAN.
MM.
I'M JUST GONNA LET THE KID KNOW
THAT HE'S ITALIAN
TILL HE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO HANDLE IT.
'CAUSE THAT'S HOW IRANIANS
AND MIDDLE EASTERNERS
HAVE DEALT WITH
OUR MIDDLE EASTERNNESS
FOR THE PAST 40 YEARS
IN AMERICA --
BY PRETENDING TO BE ITALIAN.
LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE
IN COLLEGE.
HIS NAME WAS SHAROC-C-C-H!
AND HE CHANGED IT TO TONY.
I WAS LIKE, "HOW DID YOU GO FROM
SHAROC-C-C-H TO TONY?"
I MEAN, SHAROCH TO SEAN,
SHAROCH TO SHANE,
SHAROCH TO SHAMU --
THAT'S FINE.
BUT SHAROCH TO TONY?
AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS
HE WOULD GO BACK AND FORTH,
DEPENDING ON
IF THERE WAS WOMEN INVOLVED.
IF HE WAS TRYING TO
PICK UP WOMEN, HE'D BE ITALIAN.
IF IT WAS JUST US HANGING OUT,
HE COULD BE IRANIAN.
AND, LIKE, I WOULDN'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.
I SHOWED UP
AT THE CAF ONE TIME,
"HEY, SHAROCH, HOW'S IT GOING?
HOW'S IT GOING?"
"Shh! TONY, TONY, TONY."
"THERE ARE GIRLS. TONY, TONY.
TONY.
TONY."
AND WHAT'S FUNNY IS
HE DIDN'T SPEAK ANY ITALIAN,
BUT WHAT HE WOULD DO, HE'D SPEAK
FARSI WITH AN ITALIAN ACCENT.
[ SPEAKING FARSI
WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]
[ SPEAKING FARSI
WITH ITALIAN ACCENT ]
AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE,
"WOW, THERE'S 'CHs' IN ITALIAN?
THAT'S KIND OF INTERESTING.
WHY DOES HE KEEP
GRABBING HIS CROTCH?"
OH, MAN.
NO, MAN,
IT'S -- IT'S GREAT, THOUGH.
IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.
IT'S GREAT TO HAVE THIS KID.
MY KID IS A ROCK STAR.
HE'S 5 MONTHS OLD.
HE'S A ROCK STAR, REALLY.
HE WAKES UP
AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
HE HITS THE BOTTLE HARD,
HE DRINKS TILL HE PUKES.
HE STARTS SCREAMING, "OWW!"
AND HE GOES,
"ROCK 'N' ROLL, MOTHERFUCKER!"
IT'S WEIRD.
IT'S REALLY STRANGE.
AND HE GOES, "DADDY,
LET'S GO BANG SOME BITCHES!"
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW, SON.
I DON'T THINK YOUR MOM
WOULD LIKE THAT."
THE PROBLEM WITH THESE BABIES --
AND WHO HAS BABIES HERE,
BY APPLAUSE?
WHO'S GOT BABIES?
-WHOO!
YEAH, YOU'LL VOUCH FOR THIS.
THE PROBLEM
WITH THESE LITTLE GUYS
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
'CAUSE I TRIED TO COMMUNICATE.
HE WAS CRYING.
HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"
I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU HUNGRY?"
HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"
I GO, "YOU'RE TIRED?"
"AAH!"
"YOU GOT TO PEE?"
"AAH!"
I GO, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME."
HE'S LIKE, "AAH!"
IT'S LIKE,
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
BUT WE GOT HIM A NANNY.
WE GOT HIM A NANNY.
SO HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.
HE'S LEARNING SPANISH.
WHICH IS COOL,
IT'S COOL, ACTUALLY,
'CAUSE I WANTED HIS FIRST WORD
TO BE "DADDY."
I WANT IT TO BE "DADDY,"
BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE
"PADRE," WHICH IS FINE.
AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T PICK UP
HER ACCENT.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE,
"HEY, PADRE,
LET'S GO TO THE PARK AND PLAY!"
OH, BOY.
"HEY, PADRE -- GO, RAIDERS!"
OH, MAN.
MY SON'S A GANGBANGER.
ACTUALLY, MY WIFE AND I,
WE GOT MARRIED IN MEXICO.
MEXICO'S BEAUTIFUL.
WE GOT MARRIED IN A PLACE
CALLED ZIHUATANEJO, MEXICO.
BEAUTIFUL PLACE.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.
-YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU WERE THERE.
MY FRIENDS WERE THERE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BEAUTIFUL PLACE. BEAUTIFUL --
ONE THING I'D FORGOTTEN
WAS MEXICANS FROM MEXICO
CAN'T PRONOUNCE MY NAME.
WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD.
'CAUSE MY NAME IS "MAZ,"
LIKE THE WORD "MS,"
WHICH MEANS "MORE" IN SPANISH.
FOR SOME REASON, MEXICANS FROM
MEXICO CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.
AND THE FIRST TIME
I EVER REALIZED THIS,
IT WAS ABOU LIKE 10 YEARS AGO OR SO,
TRYING TO MAKE
LUNCH RESERVATIONS
AT A MEXICAN RESTAURAN IN LOS ANGELES.
CALLED UP THE RESTAURANT.
I GO,
"HI, I NEED LUNCH FOR MAZ,"
AND THE GUY GOES, "MAX?"
I GO, "NO -- MAZ."
HE GOES, "MAC?"
I GO, "M-A-Z, MAZ."
HE GOES, "MAC!"
I WAS LIKE,
"OKAY, FINE, IT'S MAC."
WHAT DO I CARE?
IT'S JUST LUNCH.
FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT UNTIL I WAS
GETTING MARRIED A FEW YEARS AGO
IN MEXICO BY A MEXICAN PRIEST.
AND I'M MAZ, AND SHE'S PRETHA,
LIKE "ARETHA" BUT WITH A "P."
AND THE GUY STARTED THE CEREMONY
IN FRONT OF
ALL OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS,
AND HE STARTS, AND HE GOES,
"DEARLY BELOVED...
WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY..."
"...IN HOLY MATRIMONY
TO BRING TOGETHER
MAX AND RITA."
I WAS LIKE, "UH, DUDE,
IT'S MAZ AND PRETHA."
HE'S LIKE, "MARGARITA?
YOU'RE GONNA BE HAPPY FOREVER.
iVAYA CON DIOS!"
SO WE "VAYAed" CON DIOS,
AND WE HAVE A BABY BOY NOW.
AND IT'S REALLY GREAT.
A FRIEND OF MINE TOLD ME,
HE GOES, "LISTEN, DUDE.
THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE
YOUR BABY BOY BREAST-FEED,
YOU'RE GONNA BE
A LITTLE JEALOUS."
HE SAID, "WATCH HIM. YOU'RE
GONNA BE A LITTLE JEALOUS."
THE KID WAS GETTING READY
TO DO IT,
I WAS WATCHING HIM
LIKE A HAWK.
I WAS LIKE, "GO FOR IT, KID.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
GO FOR IT, YOU LITTLE PUNK.
LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT."
AND HE WENT FOR IT,
AND HE WASN'T THAT GOOD.
HE KEPT SLIPPING OFF.
IT WAS REALLY SAD.
HE WAS LIKE, "AH-AH-AH."
"AH-AH-AH-AH-AH.
AH-AH-AH-AHH.
AHH-AH-AHH."
IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS SHAVING
HIS BEARD WITH HER NIPPLE.
HE'S LIKE, "AH-AH-AHH-AHH-AHH.
AHHHHH."
AND AT ONE POINT,
HE HAD NO NECK, SO HE GOT STUCK.
HE'S LIKE, "AHH!"
I FELT BAD.
I WAS LIKE, "KID, TO THE RIGHT.
TO THE RIGHT!"
HE'S LIKE, "AHH-AH-AH-AH."
SO I DECIDE TO HELP HIM. I DID.
I FINALLY FELT SO BAD,
I GO, "I'M GONNA HELP THIS KID."
I TOOK HIS HEAD
AND I STUCK I ON HER BREAST.
I GO, "SUCK, KID, SUCK!"
HE TOOK ONE SUCK,
AND HE FELL ASLEEP.
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THIS?"
THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL
FOR THE FUTURE.
'CAUSE THEY SAY WHATEVER HAPPENS
TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG
WILL COME BACK AND AFFECT YOU
LATER IN LIFE.
I DON'T WANT THAT HAPPENING
TO THIS KID.
DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP,
HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,
GO HOME ONE NIGHT,
GET HER NAKED,
GET HIS HEAD ON HER BREAST,
THEN FALL ASLEEP.
SHE'LL BE LIKE,
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
HE'S LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE LUCKY I'M NOT SLIPPING
OFF ANYMORE."
"I'VE LEARNED HOW TO GRASP IT,
BUT I FALL ASLEEP. I, UH...
I DON'T KNOW."
OH, MAN.
IT'S COOL TO HAVE KIDS.
IT'S COOL.
ONE THING
THAT HAVING KIDS DOES, THOUGH --
IT REMINDS YOU
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER.
REMINDS YOU
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER, MAN.
LIKE, ARE THERE ANY 20-YEAR-OLDS
HERE, IN THEIR MID-20s OR 20s?
-YEAH.
YEAH, SHE'S TOO --
SHE'S SUCH A COOL 20-YEAR-OLD,
PEOPLE CLAP, SHE'S LIKE THIS --
"YO, YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M 20, PLAYER.
THAT'S RIGHT."
THAT'S HOW COOL THEY ARE.
THEY COULD DO THAT.
I COULD--
I'D LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
"HEY, MAN. WHAT'S UP?"
20-YEAR-OLDS.
DO ME A FAVOR, 20-YEAR-OLDS.
AFTER THE SHOW,
JUST RUN INTO A WALL.
FULL SPEED, RUN INTO A WALL.
'CAUSE YOU'LL HEAL. YOU'LL HEAL!
THAT'S AMA-- YOU HEAL!
ONCE YOU HIT 30,
YOU STOP HEALING.
ONCE YOU HIT 30,
YOU START COLLECTING INJURIES.
OH, IT'S REALLY SAD. IT'S SAD.
LIKE, YOU HAVE STORIES
FOR THEM, TOO.
LIKE, I HAVE AN ACHILLES INJURY
FROM THREE YEARS AGO.
I GOT A CALF INJURY
FROM TWO YEARS AGO.
I GOT A GROIN INJURY
FROM LAST YEAR.
PEOPLE GO,
"OH, COOL, YOUR GROIN.
WAS THAT DURING SEX?"
NO, IT WAS DURING WALKING.
I WAS JUST CROSSING THE STREET.
I WAS LIKE,
"DUH DA-DA DA -- OW!"
IT'S A DANGEROUS SPORT.
I MUST REFRAIN
FROM SUCH ACTIVITY.
I BROKE MY ANKLE THIS YEAR.
BROKE MY -- FIRST TIME.
I'VE BEEN PLAYING SOCCER
FOR OVER 30 YEARS.
FIRST TIME EVER --
BROKE MY ANKLE.
AND IT SUCKED
'CAUSE I ALWAYS HAD THIS IMAGE
THAT IF I BROKE MY ANKLE
PLAYING SOCCER,
IT WOULD BE SOMETHING GLORIOUS,
YOU KNOW, LIKE IN THE MOVIES.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LIKE, TIME WOULD BE RUNNING OUT,
I DO A BICYCLE KICK, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN I WOULD HEAR, LIKE,
THE CRACK AND GO DOWN.
AND THEN PEOPLE WOULD COME OVER
AND PICK ME UP,
AND THEY'D BE LIKE,
"YOU ALL RIGHT, MAZ?"
I'D BE LIKE, "DID WE WIN?"
THEY'D BE LIKE, "YEAH."
I'D BE LIKE, "ADRIAN!"
LIKE "ROCKY," LIKE "ROCKY."
THAT'S HOW YOU ARE IN YOUR HEAD,
BUT REALITY
IS NOTHING CLOSE TO THAT.
REALITY IS VERY PITIFUL.
I WAS ON A FIELD
WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER PLAYERS,
BUT NONE OF THEM
WAS WITHIN 20 FEET OF ME.
HOW DO YOU BREAK YOUR LEG
WHEN IT'S JUST YOU AND THE BALL?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO DO IT.
IT WAS SO BAD.
I MEAN,
I GOT ATTACKED BY A BALL.
THAT'S RIGHT, PEOPLE.
I WAS RUNNING, I WAS LIKE,
"HEY, I GOT IT, I GOT IT."
I WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT!"
I WENT DOWN,
AND I HEARD THE CRACK.
I WAS LIKE,
"THIS IS NOT GLAMOROUS."
AND THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU DO
SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THA AND YOU'RE LAYING DOWN ON YOUR
BACK, YOU'RE VERY VULNERABLE.
AND THE FIRST PERSON
TO COME OVER
AND TALK TO YOU AT ALL
ABOUT ANYTHING,
YOU'RE GONNA LISTEN TO.
SO THE FIRST PERSON OVER
WAS THE MEXICAN REFEREE.
HE CAME OVER,
HE LOOKED AT ME, HE GOES,
"IT'S NOT BROKEN."
I WAS LIKE,
"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
"IT'S NOT BROKEN!"
AND I'M THINKING,
"WOW, THIS GUY'S A GENIUS.
HAS NOT EVEN TOUCHED ME,
HE KNOWS IT'S NOT BROKEN."
AND THEN HE GOES, "WIGGLE YOUR
TOES, WIGGLE YOUR TOES."
AND AT THAT POINT,
THAT MIGHT BE
THE WORST THING TO DO
FOR A BROKEN ANKLE,
BUT SINCE HE'S THE ONLY ONE
TALKING, I WAS LISTENING TO HIM.
HE COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE,
"DO THE MACARENA!
DO THE MACARENA!"
I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN UP,
BEEN LIKE,
" HEY, MACARENA!
AH-YOW!"
SO HE SAYS, "WIGGLE YOUR TOES,"
SO I WIGGLE MY TOES.
HE GOES, "SEE?
IT'S NOT BROKEN."
I WAS LIKE,
"YOU ARE A GENIUS, SIR.
BUT I'M GOING TO A HOSPITAL
ANYWAY, JUST CHECK IT OUT."
I GOT THERE, THEY GO,
"IT'S BROKEN."
I'M LIKE, "I KNEW IT!"
AND THE WORST TIMING
IN THE WORLD, PEOPLE.
I BROKE MY ANKLE WHEN MY WIFE
WAS 8 1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT.
-YEAH, THE LADIES KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT, YEAH.
THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
PAMPER YOUR WIFE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAMPER HER
WHEN SHE'S
8 1/2 MONTHS PREGNANT.
AND I KNOW SOME OF
THE PERSIAN MEN ARE LIKE,
"MAZ, WHAT IS THIS 'PAMPER'
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT?"
"NEVER HEARD OF 'PAMPER'
AS A VERB.
NEVER HEARD OF IT.
I KNOW I CAN BUY PAMPERS.
SHE HAS BABY, I BUY PAMPERS.
BUT 'PAMPERING,'
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
THAT ONE
WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD."
PAMPERING -- SHE NEEDS TO BE
TAKEN CARE OF
'CAUSE YOU WOMEN ARE SPECIAL.
THE PREGNANCY --
YOU WOMEN -- YOU DO IT ALL.
WITH THE PREGNANCY,
YOU ARE AMAZING, WOMEN.
WE DON'T DO IT.
YEAH, GIVE IT UP FOR THE LADIES.
WE DON'T DO ANYTHING.
WE JUST SIT AROUND.
YOU DO EVERYTHING.
MY WIFE STARTED
HAVING CONTRACTIONS,
WHICH I'M TOLD HURT.
I'VE NEVER HAD ONE BEFORE.
BUT SHE STARTS,
SHE'S LIKE, "AAAAAAH!"
AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I WAS LIKE, "MMMMM."
AND SHE GOES, "OW!"
AND I TOOK THE CLASS,
BUT I FORGOT.
I WAS LIKE, "MMEEEHH!"
AND SHE'S LIKE, "AAAAAH!"
AND I WAS LIKE, "WIGGLE YOUR
TOES, WIGGLE YOUR TOES."
"LET'S SEE
IF YOUR ANKLE'S BROKEN.
I CAN FIGURE THAT OUT."
"IT'S NOT BROKEN."
GETTING OLDER, MAN.
I REMEMBER I WAS IN MY 20s.
MAN, IT GOES FAST.
20-YEAR-OLDS, ENJOY IT.
YEAH.
YEAH, WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?
MAN, WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY 20s,
MAN, MY DAD WENT BACK TO IRAN.
AND BEING THE OLDEST SON
IN AN IRANIAN FAMILY,
THAT MEANS
YOU'RE NOW THE MAN OF THE HOUSE.
AND MY MOM TOLD ME, SHE GOES,
"MAZ, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE NOW
THE MAN OF THE HOUSE!"
I WAS LIKE, "WOW!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
DO I GET, LIKE,
A CHECKBOOK OR SOMETHING?
DO I -- DO I GET A NEW CAR?
WHAT COMES WITH THAT?"
SHE GOES, "YOU GET TO DRIVE
YOUR BROTHERS TO SCHOOL.
YOU GET TO DRIVE YOUR
GRANDFATHER GROCERY SHOPPING."
I WAS LIKE,
"SO I'M LIKE A DRIVER?"
SHE GOES, "YOU'RE MORE LIKE
A UTILITY PLAYER.
I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
AND WHEN TO DO IT."
I GOT TO DO ALL THAT STUFF.
GOT TO DRIVE MY BROTHERS
TO SCHOOL.
ONE OF MY BROTHERS, IRANIAN KID,
GREW UP IN L.A.,
AND IN HIS MID-TEENS,
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
HE STARTED BECOMING ALL HIP-HOP.
HE WAS HIP-HOP.
HE'S LIKE, "YO, DAWG.
WHAT'S UP, PLAYER?
WHAT'S UP, DAWG?
YO, DAWG.
WHAT'S UP, DAWG, DAWG, DAWG?"
AND MY GRANDFATHER
WOULD BE LIKE,
"WHY DOES HE KEEP SAYING 'DOG'?
WE HAVE NO DOGS."
"I THINK HE'S CRAZY. I DON' KNOW WHAT HIS PROBLEM IS.
HE NEEDS A GOOD BEATING.
THAT'S WHAT HE NEEDS.
I WILL BEAT THE DOG
OUT OF HIM."
ONE TIME, I PICKED UP
MY BROTHER FROM SCHOOL,
AND HE HAD THIS TAPE.
HE'S LIKE, "YO, DAWG, YOU GOT TO
LISTEN TO THESE LYRICS, DAWG.
THESE ARE DEEP LYRICS, DAWG.
THESE ARE DEEP."
HE PUT THE TAPE IN THE TAPE
PLAYER, AND THE LYRICS SAID,
"LIFE'S A BITCH,
AND THEN YOU DIE.
THAT'S WHY WE PUFF LYE
'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA GO."
IT'S NAS, YEAH.
HE SAID, "LIFE'S A BITCH,
AND THEN YOU DIE.
THAT'S WHY WE PUFF LYE,
'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN YOU'RE GONNA GO."
BASICALLY,
THE DEPTH OF THE LYRICS ARE,
"LIFE SUCKS, THAT'S WHY WE GE HIGH, 'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA DIE."
I WAS LIKE, "KID, THAT'S
THE DEPTH OF YOUR LYRICS?"
I GO, "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF PINK FLOYD?"
THAT'S DEEP LYRICS.
THAT'S WHY YOU GET HIGH --
TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO'S SINGING ON PINK FLOYD.
LIKE AT THE END
OF THAT ONE SONG, IT'S LIKE,
"IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT,
YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY PUDDING!
HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING
IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!"
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"HE'S RIGHT!"
"HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY PUDDING
IF YOU DON'T EAT YOUR MEAT?!"
"WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
MY BROTHER --
DROVE HIM TO SCHOOL.
DROVE MY GRANDFATHER
GROCERY SHOPPING.
HE WAS AMAZING.
MY GRANDFATHER COULD PICK
WATERMELONS BY FLICKING THEM.
IT'S AN AMAZING TECHNIQUE.
WE'D BE AT THE GROCERY STORE,
HE'D BE LIKE THIS.
"NO."
"NO."
"YES!"
I'D BE LIKE, "HOW DO YOU KNOW?"
HE'S LIKE, "DON'T WORRY,
YOUNG JEDI.
PICK IT UP. LET'S GO."
WE'D GO HOME, OPEN IT UP --
SWEETEST WATERMELON
IN THE WORLD.
BUT I NEVER LEARNED.
SO I JUST GO TO RALPHS NOW
AND PRETEND.
MAKE SURE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.
I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
YEAH. WATCH THIS."
"NO."
"I DON'T THINK SO."
"YES!"
TAKE IT HOME, OPEN IT UP --
ROTTEN.
TRY AND RETURN IT, THEY'RE LIKE,
"YOU CAN'T RETURN
AN OPEN WATERMELON, SIR."
LIKE, "BUT I FLICKED IT.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!"
GRANDPA WAS AMAZING.
GRANDPA LIVED
TILL HE WAS 98 OR 100.
WE DON'T KNOW.
WE DON'T KNOW.
HE WAS AMAZING. HE WAS AMAZING.
WE DON'T KNOW HOW OLD HE WAS
BECAUSE HE CAME OVER
WHEN HE WAS IN HIS 80s.
AND WHEN YOU COME TO AMERICA
IN YOUR 80s,
YOU LOSE YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
YOU LOSE YOUR NAME,
YOU LOSE YOUR MEMORIES.
EVERYTHING WAS GONE.
SO EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, WHEN
IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S BIRTHDAY,
WE'D JUST THROW HIM IN THE MIX.
I SWEAR.
HE HAD LIKE FOUR BIRTHDAYS
A YEAR.
HE'D BE LIKE, "I'M AGING
REALLY FAST THIS YEAR.
WHAT...
COULD HAVE SWORN
I WAS 90 EARLIER.
I'M 94 ALREADY.
AND IT'S ONLY MARCH.
HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?
THIS IS A FAST YEAR."
GRANDPA WAS AMAZING.
GRANDPA WAS VERY
SHARP TILL THE DAY HE DIED.
HE WAS VERY SHARP.
THE ONE THING
HE NEVER UNDERSTOOD
WAS HOW
AMERICAN TELEVISION WORKS.
HE THOUGHT EVERYTHING ON TV
WAS REAL.
SO, TILL THE DAY THAT HE DIED,
HE THOUGHT THE BOXING CHAMPION
OF THE WORLD WAS ROCKY BALBOA.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
I COME HOME, HE'S LIKE,
"THE KID WON AGAIN."
I'M LIKE, "WHAT KID?"
HE'S LIKE, "ROCKY!"
I WAS LIKE,
"GRANDPA, THAT'S A MOVIE."
HE'S LIKE,
"NO, I'VE SEEN HIM BEAT TWO
OR THREE DIFFERENT GUYS.
HE BEAT THE RUSSIAN,
TWO BLACK GUYS."
"GRANDPA, THOSE ARE SEQUELS."
HE GOES, "NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT A SEQUEL IS.
I KNOW WHO THE CHAMP IS --
ROCKY!"
I WAS LIKE,
"GRANDPA, IT'S A MOVIE."
HE GOES, "OKAY,
NOW YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME
HE DIDN'T GO TO VIETNAM,
EITHER?"
I WAS LIKE, "'RAMBO'?"
HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT WAS REAL AND WHAT WAS NOT.
LIKE, WHEN I WAS IN MY TEENS,
WE LEARNED A WAY TO PRESS
THE BUTTONS ON THE CABLE BOX
IN A SPECIFIC WAY SO THAT THE
PLAYBOY CHANNEL WOULD COME ON.
SO I WOULD SNEAK INTO OUR LIVING
ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGH TO WATCH THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL.
THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS
THAT GRANDPA SLEP IN THE LIVING ROOM.
SO I'D BE WATCHING
THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL,
AND SUDDENLY HE'D WAKE UP
AND COME SIT NEXT TO ME.
AND HE'D LOOK AT ME, AND GOES,
"IS THIS A WHOREHOUSE?"
I WAS LIKE, "NO, GRANDPA.
IT'S A MOVIE."
HE GOES, "NO, NO,
IT LOOKS LIKE A WHOREHOUSE.
WE SHOULD WATCH TILL THE END
TO FIGURE OUT.
LET'S WATCH ALL THE WAY,
FIGURE IT OUT."
AND THEN AFTER A WHILE,
IT WOULD GET AWKWARD.
I'M WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY
WITH MY GRANDFATHER,
SO I'D BE LIKE, "AHH,
I'M GOING TO SLEEP, GRANDPA.
GOOD NIGHT."
HE'D BE LIKE, "YOU GO TO SLEEP.
I WILL WAIT TO SEE
IF IT'S A WHOREHOUSE. YOU GO.
I WILL REPORT TOMORROW.
GO TO BED, YOUNG JEDI.
GO TO BED. GET OUT OF HERE."
OH, MAN.
YOU GUYS FOLLOW THE ELECTIONS
THIS YEAR? FOLLOW THE ELECTIONS?
-EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
I'LL TELL YOU,
AS A MIDDLE EASTERN AMERICAN,
I WAS A LITTLE OFFENDED
AT SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WERE
SAID DURING THESE ELECTIONS.
'CAUSE WHAT THEY WERE DOING WAS
THEY WERE USING THE NAMES,
THE TERMS ARAB, MUSLIM, IRANIAN,
MIDDLE EASTERN, ALL THAT STUFF,
IN A DEROGATORY FASHION,
THROWING IT IN WITH "TERRORIST."
IT WAS OKAY. IT WAS DEROGATORY.
IT WAS ACCEPTED.
LIKE, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME
WHEN BARACK OBAMA
AND MICHELLE OBAMA
WERE SWITCHING PLACES ON STAGE,
AND THEY DID THE BUMP.
THEY DID THE FIST BUMP.
AND THIS
ONE FOX COMMENTATOR GOES,
"OOPS, THERE THEY GO,
DOING THE OLD TERRORIST BUMP.
DOING THE OLD TERRORIST BUMP."
I WAS LIKE, "PEOPLE, SINCE WHEN
HAVE TERRORISTS DONE THE BUMP?"
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VIDEO
WITH OSAMA BIN LADEN
WHERE HE WAS LIKE, "AMERICA IS
GOING TO COME TO ITS KNEES.
GIVE ME THE BUMP!"
"AND FURTHERMORE,
YOU WILL BE OBLITERATED.
HIGH FIVE!
ALLAH WILLING,
WE'LL BE VICTORIOUS.
HIGH FIVE! DOWN LOW!
TOO SLOW! KEEP IT GOING!"
THE BUMP --
THEY SAID "TERRORIST BUMP"
'CAUSE THAT IMPLIES
MIDDLE EASTERN, MUSLIM, ARAB,
ALL THAT STUFF,
AND THAT'S OKAY TO SAY THAT.
THE BUMP IS A BLACK THING.
IT COMES FROM
THE URBAN COMMUNITY.
HE COULDN'T HAVE SAID,
"OH, LOOK, THERE'S A BLACK GUY
WHO'S GONNA BE PRESIDENT."
HE COULDN'T SAY THAT.
THAT GUY WAS RACIST.
THAT'S WHY HE SAID
THE TERRORIST THING.
JUST LIKE THAT CRAZY OLD
WHITE LADY AT THE McCAIN RALLY.
DID YOU SEE HER?
THE CRAZY OLD WHITE LADY
AT THE McCAIN RALLY?
SHE TOOK THE MIKE FROM McCAIN,
SHE GOES,
"I DON'T TRUST HIM.
HE'S AN ARAB."
YEAH, AND IF YOU LISTEN
CLOSELY ENOUGH,
SHE WAS ABOUT TO USE
THE "N" WORD.
YEAH, SHE GOES,
"I DON'T TRUST HIM.
HE'S A N--ARAB!"
"THOSE GODDAMN 'NARABS'!
TOOK OVER THE NBA.
NOW THEY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT?"
"NEVER LIKED THE NARABS."
AND WHAT WAS EVEN MORE INSULTING
WAS McCAIN'S RESPONSE.
McCAIN TOOK THE MIKE BACK,
SAID, "NO, NO, MA'AM.
HE'S NOT AN ARAB.
HE'S A GOOD FAMILY MAN."
YEAH, IT TAKES A SECOND
TO SINK IN, RIGHT?
'CAUSE THE LOGIC OF THAT IS
ARABS ARE BAD FAMILY MEN.
'CAUSE I WATCHED, I WAS LIKE,
"YEA-- WHAT THE FUCK?!"
HIS RESPONSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN,
"MA'AM, HE'S NOT AN ARAB,
BUT THERE'S GOOD ARABS,
THERE'S BAD ARABS.
YOU NEED TO GO HOME,
TAKE YOUR PILLS
'CAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY."
SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS RESPONSE.
BUT THE ELECTION IS OVER,
AND, UH...
YOU KNOW, WE'LL SEE
WHAT HAPPENS, MAN.
WE'LL SEE --
THE ECONOMY'S STILL --
OH, MY GOD, THAT ECONOMY
IS HITTING EVERYBODY.
HITTING ME HARD --
EVERYBODY HARD.
I CALLED UP MY STOCK BROKER
THE OTHER DAY, I GO,
"HEY, MAN,
HOW ARE MY STOCKS DOING?"
HE GOES, "YOU MEAN YOUR STOCK?"
I GO, "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
HE GOES, "YOU HAVE ONE LEFT."
I WAS LIKE, "DOUBLE DOWN.
DOUBLE DOWN!"
AT LEAST IN VEGAS, THEY GIVE YOU
FREE DRINKS, RIGHT?
WHAT I'M SAYING IS,
RIGHT ABOUT NOW,
MORGAN STANLEY SHOULD BE
SENDING ME A VODKA CRANBERRY.
THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
THAT'S ALL I WANT.
ACTUALLY, THERE'S ONE COMPANY
WHO'S DOING REALLY WELL.
EXXON MOBIL JUST SET A RECORD
FOR THE HIGHEST PROFITS EVER
OF ANY COMPANY EVER.
SO I'M HAPPY FOR THEM.
I'M HAPPY THA THE ECONOMY'S WORKING FOR THEM
AND THE WAR IS WORKING FOR THEM.
I'M REALLY HAPPY.
SEE, PEOPLE SAY
IT'S NOT ABOUT OIL.
OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT OIL.
IT'S ABOUT OIL.
IF IT'S NOT ABOUT OIL,
WHY DON'T WE EVER GET INVOLVED
WITH COUNTRIES
THAT DON'T HAVE OIL?
WHY DON'T WE EVER GET INVOLVED
WITH RWANDA OR DARFUR,
THE DARFUR REGION?
OR WHY DON' WE EVER ATTACK SWITZERLAND?
-JUST FOR FUN.
THEY DON'T EXPECT IT.
THEY'RE ALL NEUTRAL.
THEY'RE ALL SNOOTY, RIGHT?
"OH, WE ARE SWISS.
NO ONE WOULD
EVER ATTACK US EVER, NO, NO.
WE SKI ALL DAY. WE JUST...
I AM SWISS ON THE MOGULS.
YEAH, LOOK AT ME, OKAY.
THIS IS GREAT.
LOOK AT ME, I'M IN SWITZERLAND.
ALL RIGHT, LIFE IS GOOD.
NO ONE WOULD ATTACK US.
WE HAVE NO OIL."
WE SHOULD, JUST FOR FUN,
BUT WE WOULDN' 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE OIL.
WHAT DO THEY HAVE?
THEY HAVE, LIKE, SWISS CHEESE.
WHICH I THINK
IS AN AMERICAN INVENTION.
THAT'S NOT REALLY SWISS.
BUT WHATEVER,
WE'LL GIVE IT TO THEM.
THEY HAVE SWISS CHEESE.
THEY HAVE CHOCOLATES --
SWISS CHOCOLATES.
THEY GOT THE SWISS ARMY KNIFE.
YOU COULD BUY THA DOWN THE STREET.
YOU DON'T NEED TO
GO ATTACK THEM, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY -- I'M TELLING YOU.
LISTEN, IF YOU'RE A COUNTRY
WITH OIL, YOU WILL BE ATTACKED.
-YOU WILL, YEAH. YOU WILL.
YOU'RE ALL GIVING IT UP.
YOU'RE LIKE,
"THAT'S RIGHT, MAZ."
IT'S TRUE, THOUGH. IT'S TRUE.
BEING A COUNTRY WITH OIL
IS LIKE BEING A DRUG DEALER.
YOU GOT TO KNOW
WHEN TO GET RID OF THE STUFF.
YEAH, YOU GOT TO LOOK OU THE WINDOW AND BE LIKE,
"WHAT? AMERICA'S COMING?
OH, SHIT!
FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET.
FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET!"
"HELLO, AMERICA.
IRAN NO LONGER HAS OIL.
WE ONLY HAVE
THE IRANIAN ARMY KNIFE.
IT'S A SPOON."
"FOR RICE. WE LOVE OUR RICE.
WE LOVE OUR RICE."
SPEAKING OF OIL, MAN,
I GOT A CHANCE TO GO TO
THE MIDDLE EAST THIS PAST YEAR.
GOT A CHANCE TO GO
TO THE MIDDLE EAST.
I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO
TRAVEL TO THE MIDDLE EAS 'CAUSE THERE'S A LO OF GOOD PEOPLE OUT THERE.
LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, YOU KNOW?
A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW
THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD PEOPLE,
LOT OF GOOD COUNTRIES TO SEE.
I WENT TO KUWAIT, FOR EXAMPLE.
-I WENT TO KUWAIT.
-WHOO!
IS THAT A KUWAITI IN THE CROWD?
RIGHT ON.
HOW ARE YOU, HABIBI?
HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?
ALLAH MASHALLAH,
ALLAH MASHALLAH.
ALLAH, ALLAH, ALLAH.
SEE, THEY DO IT, TOO.
ARABS DO IT -- ALLAH MASHALLAH.
IRANIANS -- WE DO,
"ALLAH, HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?"
JAPANESE. JAPANESE DO IT.
JAPANESE GO LIKE THIS.
"ARIGATO. DOMO ARIGATO."
I ONCE SAW TWO JAPANESE DUDES
DO THAT, LIKE, FOR HALF AN HOUR.
THEY WERE DOING, "ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO."
'CAUSE IT'S A RESPECT THING,
AND THE POINT IS
ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO GIVE UP
AND WALK AWAY.
I SWEAR, THEY WERE OUTSIDE,
THIS POOR VALET WAS LIKE,
"HURRY UP,
SOMEBODY. LET'S DO THIS!"
I SWEAR,
THESE GUYS WERE HAVING --
"ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO,
ARIGATO."
AT ONE POINT,
ONE OF THEIR BACKS GAVE OUT,
SO THE GUY WAS LIKE, "ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO -- ARIGATO!"
"ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO."
AND THEN HIS NECK GOT STUCK.
"ARIGATO!
ARIGATO, DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO, ARIGATO,
DOMO ARIGATO."
IT'S A GOOD CULTURAL THING
WE DO, MAN.
KUWAIT. KUWAIT WAS A COOL PLACE
TO CHECK OUT, MAN.
THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY
IN KUWAIT. OH, MY GOD.
I REALIZE WHY WE GOT INVOLVED
IN GULF WAR I.
LOT OF OIL, LOT OF MONEY.
AND THE WAY I REALIZED
THERE WAS MONEY
IS WE WENT TO DINNER
WITH A KUWAITI,
AND THE BILL CAME,
AND THE GUY GOES,
"DON'T WORRY, HABIBI,
I WILL PAY FOR IT.
I HAVE A GOLD CARD."
I GO, "NO, HABIBI,
YOU DON'T WORRY.
I'LL PAY FOR IT.
I HAVE A PLATINUM CARD."
HE GOES, "NO, HABIBI,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
MY CARD IS MADE OUT OF GOLD."
"I WILL BUY DINNER,
AND THEN I WILL BUY YOU.
YOU WILL BE MY KUWAITI BITCH."
LIKE, "WHATEVER YOU WANT, SIR.
MAKE IT FAST. MAKE IT FAST."
SOME OF THE PERSIANS --
"WHOA!
HE BENT OVER!
ONE MORE E-MAIL.
ONE MORE E-MAIL!"
KUWAIT WAS A COOL COUNTRY, MAN.
I WENT TO DUBAI.
I WENT TO DUBAI.
WHO'S BEEN TO DUBAI? DUBAI?
THAT'S RIGHT.
"LA-DI-DA-DI, I'M AN EMIRATI."
THEY'RE RICH!
THEY'RE SO RICH,
THEY BUILT A SKI SLOPE
IN THE MIDDLE OF DUBAI.
IT'S CRAZY.
IT'S LIKE
120-DEGREE WEATHER OUTSIDE,
AND THEY GOT A BUILDING,
AND THEY PUT SNOW
AND AIR-CONDITIONING --
YOU CAN GO SKIING.
AND THIS ONE GUY TOLD ME,
HE GOES,
"HABIBI, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE I EVEN MORE REALISTIC.
WE'RE GOING TO ADD
SOME FEATURES.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT A TREE
IN THE MIDDLE.
SO YOU CAN CRASH INTO IT.
THEN WE WILL BUILD A CLIFF
SO YOU CAN SKI OFF OF IT.
IF YOU GO TOO FAR, THERE'S A
POLAR BEAR THAT WILL ATTACK YOU.
WELL, IT'S NOT REALLY
A POLAR BEAR,
IT'S JUST A HAIRY ARAB GUY."
"WE PAINTED HIM WHITE.
HE COMES OUT AND GOES,
'ROAR! HABIBI!'"
"IT'S MY COUSIN. HE HAD NO JOB.
I GIVE IT TO HIM."
DUBAI, MAN. THEY'RE RICH.
THEY'RE SO RICH,
THEY COULD NEVER HAVE THE GAME
"WHEEL OF FORTUNE" IN DUBAI.
WOULDN'T LAST.
FIRST GAME, FIRST CONTESTANT,
IT WOULD END.
FIRST GAME, FIRST CONTESTANT,
IT'D BE,
"MR. PAT SAJAK, I WOULD LIKE TO
BUY ALL THE VOWELS.
YEAH, GIVE ME A, E, I, O, U,
AND SOMETIMES Y."
"IF I PAY CASH, WILL YOU
THROW IN THE BLOND WOMAN?
I WANT THE BLOND WOMAN,
MR. PAT SAJAK."
THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS
IN DUBAI.
LOT OF INDIANS IN DUBAI.
I DIDN'T KNOW
THERE WERE SO MANY, AND I WAS
DOING A GIG,
AND THEY GO, "LISTEN,
WE'RE GONNA SEND A DRIVER
TO PICK YOU UP."
SO I WENT DOWN TO THE LOBBY,
AND THERE WAS THIS INDIAN GUY,
AND I GO,
"HE MUST BE MY DRIVER."
'CAUSE HE WAS STANDING THERE
IN A CHEAP SUI WITH A THIN MUSTACHE,
AND HE WAS STARING AT ME.
JUST STARING AT ME.
I GO,
"HE'S GOT TO BE MY DRIVER."
SO I WENT OVER, I GO, "EXCUSE
ME, SIR, ARE YOU MY DRIVER?"
HE GOES, "NO, SIR,
I OWN THE HOTEL."
I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY.
THEN WHY WERE YOU
STARING AT ME?"
HE GOES,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY DRIVER."
LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.
GO AHEAD. YOU TOO. DO IT."
"OH, MY GOD!"
I WENT TO BAHRAIN. BAHRAIN.
THAT'S A COOL PLACE.
BAHRAIN'S A COOL PLACE.
I MEAN,
IT'S NOT COOL WEATHERWISE.
IT'S COOL TO CHECK OUT.
ACTUALLY, FOR A COUNTRY WITH
THE NAME "RAIN" IN THE NAME,
IT'S REALLY NOT COLD.
IT'S ACTUALLY VERY HOT.
IT SHOULD BE CALLED BAHHOT!
BAHHOT!
BAH-FUCKING-HOT!
REALLY HOT.
THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS THERE,
TOO.
IT'S WEIRD. EVERYWHERE I GO,
THERE'S A LOT OF INDIANS.
YEAH, EVERYWHERE I GO.
HAVE A FEELING THAT ONE DAY
I'M GONNA GO TO INDIA,
THERE'S GONNA BE
ONE INDIAN LEFT.
"SIR, YOU SHOULD HAVE
COME EARLIER.
THERE WAS A BUNCH OF US.
THEY ALL LEFT. THEY'RE GONE.
I KNOW YOU -- 'HAR DA DAR DAR.'
I KNOW YOU.
'HAR DA DAR DAR DAR.'
I KNOW YOU.
I KNOW YOU."
WENT TO BAHRAIN.
WENT TO LEBANON. LEBANON.
-WHOO!
-LEBANESE IN THE HOUSE!
BIGGEST PARTY PLACE
IN THE WORLD.
THESE GUYS LIVE LIFE.
CARPE DIEM --
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
IT'S A GREAT PLACE.
GO CHECK IT OUT.
'CAUSE THE PROBLEM IS, SEE,
THEY'VE BEEN IN SOME KIND OF
CONFLICT FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS.
WAR ALL THE TIME,
SO THEY JUST LIVE LIKE IT'S LAS DAY ON EARTH, "WE'RE PARTYING."
I SWEAR.
IN LEBANON, "WE PARTY, WE PARTY,
WE PARTY," ALWAYS.
LIKE LAST YEAR, WHEN I WENT,
THEY HAD NO PRESIDENT.
AND USUALLY, MOST COUNTRIES,
IF YOU HAVE NO PRESIDENT,
YOU WOULD SHUT IT DOWN
TILL YOU ELECT A PRESIDEN AND THEN LIFE GOES ON.
NOT IN LEBANON. I WAS IN BEIRUT.
I GO, "HABIBI, I DON'T KNOW
WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT."
HE GOES, "HABIBI,
WE DON'T HAVE A PRESIDENT.
BUT TONIGHT, WE PARTY, WE PARTY.
WE PARTY."
AND IT'S CRAZY --
WHENEVER YOU LEAVE AMERICA,
YOU REALIZE
THAT CERTAIN COUNTRIES,
WHETHER IT'S MEXICO
OR MIDDLE EAS OR LATIN AMERICAN COUNTRIES,
A LOT OF COUNTRIES,
THERE'S CERTAIN WORDS
THAT DON'T EXIST IN OTHER
COUNTRIES THAT EXIST HERE.
FOR EXAMPLE, IN BEIRUT,
IN THE DRIVING,
THERE'S NO WORD
FOR THE WORD "LANE."
THERE'S NO WORD FOR THE --
NO LANES.
AND, AGAIN,
IT'S THE SAME IN MEXICO
AND ALL
THE MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRIES.
NO WORD FOR "LANE."
JUST DOES NOT EXIST.
I WAS IN BEIRUT,
AND OUR DRIVER WAS DRIVING.
HE'S LIKE,
"MAYBE I GO OVER HERE.
MAYBE I GO OVER HERE.
I LIKE IT OVER HERE NOW.
I LIKE IT OVER --"
HE WASN'T EVEN
LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD.
HE'S LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU GUYS
WANT TO DO?
WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
WHAT DO YOU FEEL LIKE DOING?
OH, FROM IRAN. I LIKE IRAN.
OKAY."
IT WAS CRAZINESS!
AT ONE POINT, OUR DRIVER MADE
A RIGHT-HAND TURN
FROM THE FAR-LEFT LANE!
THROUGH SIX LANES OF TRAFFIC!
HE JUST WENT FOR IT.
HE'S LIKE, "FUCK IT.
50 YEARS OF WAR,
I'M GOING FOR IT."
AND IF YOU'VE EVER
BEEN A PASSENGER
IN ONE OF THESE CARS
OUTSIDE THIS COUNTRY,
YOU KNOW IT'S THE FREAKIES MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE.
WE WERE GOING THROUGH TRAFFIC,
AND I WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD. I'M GONNA DIE."
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I LOOK UP,
AND THERE'S A CAR COMING AT US,
AND THE CAR
GOT WITHIN THREE FEET,
AND SUDDENLY A SCOOTER WEN RIGHT BETWEEN US!
WITH FIVE PEOPLE ON IT!
EACH CARRYING A WATERMELON!
THE DRIVING IS CRAZY.
LIKE, IN IRAN --
A FRIEND OF MINE ONE TIME ASKED,
"HEY, MAZ,
BACK IN THE OLD COUNTRY,
WHEN YOU GUYS WENT TO WORK,
DID YOU HAVE CAMEL TRAFFIC JAMS?
DID YOU HAVE
CAMEL TRAFFIC JAMS?"
I WAS LIKE, "DUDE, NO, WE DRIVE
CARS JUST LIKE IN AMERICA."
I SAID, "THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS,
IT'S JUST A LITTLE CRAZIER."
LIKE I SAID, IT'S MORE CROWDED,
AND AS YOU DRIVE,
PEOPLE ARE CROSSING THE FREEWAY.
LIKE A GRANDMOTHER'S
CROSSING THE FREEWAY
WITH, LIKE, A PET ROOSTER.
I SAID,
"IT'S MORE LIKE A VIDEO GAME.
IT'S LIKE A VIDEO GAME,
BASICALLY."
THERE SHOULD BE A GAME,
A VIDEO GAME,
CALLED
"MIDDLE EAST DRIVING GAME."
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
"WELCOME TO TEHRAN. GOOD LUCK."
"OH, SHIT."
BEEP, BEEP!
I ALSO TOLD HIM,
"THE OTHER DIFFERENCE IS --
FOR EXAMPLE, IN AMERICA,
WHEN YOU MISS YOUR EXIT,
YOU JUST GO TO THE NEXT EXIT,
YOU COME BACK, AND YOU GO AGAIN.
BUT IN IRAN, WHEN THE GUY
MISSES THE EXIT,
HE JUST PUTS IT IN REVERSE
RIGHT ON THE FREEWAY."
WHICH IS THE SCARIEST MOMEN OF YOUR LIFE --
WHEN YOUR DRIVER'S LOOKING
AT YOU,
GOING BACKWARDS ON THE FREEWAY.
I WAS LIKE,
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"
HE'S LIKE, "I MISSED MY EXIT.
I MISSED MY EXIT."
I WAS LIKE, "GO AROUND."
HE'S LIKE, "DON'T WORRY.
I TAKE CARE OF IT."
AND WHAT'S CRAZY IS, IN IRAN,
THEY'RE USED TO IT,
SO EVERYONE WAS JUST GOING, "OH,
HE MUST HAVE MISSED HIS EXIT.
GO AROUND, GO AROUND.
COME ON, HURRY UP.
HURRY UP, HURRY UP!
GO."
I'VE BEEN TO THE MIDDLE EAST.
I WENT TO JORDAN.
-JORDAN WAS COOL.
-WHOO!
ONE GUY -- THANK YOU.
JORDAN IS GREAT, MAN.
WE GOT TO JORDAN --
I WAS PART OF
THE AXIS OF EVIL COMEDY TOUR
WE WENT TO DO IN JORDAN,
AND I SHOWED UP,
AND THE SHOWS WERE SOLD OUT.
AND I GO, "HEY, HABIBI, HOW DID
YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT US?"
HE GOES,
"HABIBI, WE SAW YOU ON YouTube.
WE SAW YOU ON YouTube.
I SAW IT ON YouTube."
AND I HAVE A LOT OF CLIPS
ON YouTube,
AND YOU CAN GO
AND WATCH MY CLIPS ON YouTube,
AND IT'S PRETTY COOL.
BUT WHAT'S EVEN MORE INTERESTING
IS READING THE COMMENTS
THAT PEOPLE MAKE,
BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THAT PEOPLE
MAKING COMMENTS ON YouTube
ARE CRAZY.
YEAH.
'CAUSE THE FIRST TIME
I STARTED READING IT --
I SWEAR, I STARTED READING,
THE FIRST GUY WAS LIKE,
"I LIKE THIS GUY."
I WAS LIKE, "GREAT!"
AND THE SECOND GUY GOES,
"THIS GUY ROCKS!"
I'M LIKE, "COOL!"
AND THEN THE THIRD GUY GOES,
"THIS GUY SUCKS!"
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL?
THAT'S NOT COOL."
BUT THEN SUDDENLY, THE FIRST GUY
CAME TO MY DEFENSE.
HE GOES, "I'M GONNA FIND YOU
AND KILL YOU."
I WAS LIKE, "I'D BETTER LOG OFF,
OR I'LL BE AN ACCOMPLICE
TO A CRIME."
YouTubers ARE CRAZY.
OH, MY GOD. JORDAN.
JORDAN, TOO, IT'S FUNNY
BECAUSE IN MY PREVIOUS SHOW
THAT I'D DONE,
I DID THIS BI ABOUT HOW IRANIANS,
WE DON'T SAY WE'RE IRANIAN --
WE SAY WE'RE PERSIAN
BECAUSE IT SOUNDS
NICER AND FRIENDLIER,
AND WE SMILE WHEN WE SAY IT.
"HI, I'M PERSIAN. HOW ARE YOU?
HI."
WE TALK LIKE THIS.
"HI, HOW ARE YOU?"
AND I SAID, "WE SAY
WE'RE PERSIAN LIKE THE CAT.
MEOW!
MEOW, MEOW.
MEOW."
SO THAT'S A BIT I DID BEFORE,
BUT SUDDENLY IT BECAME
LIKE A CATCHPHRASE.
IT WAS A CATCHPHRASE.
SO NOW WHEREVER I GO, LIKE IN
ALL THE ARAB COUNTRIES --
I WAS IN JORDAN,
AND THIS GUY JUST LOST HIS MIND.
HE SAW ME,
HE WAS LIKE, "MAZ JOBRANI!
PERSIAN CAT!
HEY, HEY! MEOW, MEOW!
COME ON! MEOW! MEOW, MEOW!
I AM DOG.
I EAT YOU!
COME ON! COME ON.
MEOW!
LIKE, "CALM DOWN, HABIBI."
BUT ONE THING YOU REALIZE
WHEN YOU TRAVEL AROUND THE WORLD
IS THAT AMERICA
IS A GREAT COUNTRY.
IT IS. IT IS A GREAT COUNTRY.
THIS IS A GREAT COUNTRY WE LIVE
IN, YOU GUYS, IT REALLY IS.
IT REALLY IS.
AND WE'RE ALL CITIZENS.
YOU KNOW, WE'RE ALL CITIZENS.
AND, UH -- I MEAN,
SOME OF US HAVE GREEN CARDS.
SOME OF US HAVE GREEN --
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
AND SOME OF US ARE ILLEGAL.
THAT'S FINE.
IT'S ALL-INCLUSIVE, ALL RIGHT?
WE'RE NOT BUILDING
ANY WALLS HERE.
LOU DOBBS IS NOT IN THE HOUSE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WE'RE GONNA KEEP YOU.
BUT WE ALL HAVE STORIES.
LIKE, A LOT OF IMMIGRANTS --
EVERYONE --
IMMIGRANTS CAME TO THIS COUNTRY,
AND I WAS 6 YEARS OLD
WHEN I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY.
I WAS 6 YEARS OLD, AND WHEN YOU
FIRST COME TO THIS COUNTRY,
YOU TRY AND BLEND IN
AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
I WOULD DO WHATEVER IT TOOK
TO BLEND IN.
I WOULD PLAY BASEBALL.
I WOULD EAT APPLE PIE.
I WOULD EAT APPLE PIE
WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL.
WHATEVER IT TOOK.
AND THINGS WOULD BE GOING GREAT.
I'D BE AT THE PLAYGROUND
PLAYING WITH MY FRIENDS
SAM, BRETT, JESSE.
LIFE IS GOOD.
SURE, MY NAME IS MAZ, BUT THEY
DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S FROM.
THEY DON'T KNOW, RIGHT?
EVERYTHING'S COOL.
UNTIL MY DAD WOULD COME BY
TO PICK ME UP.
AND HE WOULD SHOW UP
IN HIS MERCEDES-BENZ,
WHICH IS
STANDARD PERSIAN-ISSUE CAR.
AND HE WOULD HAVE THE CAR FILLED
WITH THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
FOR SOME REASON, WE CAN' GO ANYWHERE WITH TWO OF US.
THERE'S GOT TO BE
LIKE 50 OF US IN THE CAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
ANYTIME YOU SEE A CAR
FILLED WITH PEOPLE,
IT'S EITHER MIDDLE EASTERNERS
OR MEXICANS.
IT'S ONE OF THOSE TWO.
EVEN FOR SHORT TRIPS.
MY DAD WOULD BE LIKE,
"OKAY, EVERYBODY IN THE CAR.
WE'RE GOING TWO BLOCKS
TO PICK UP MAZ.
GET GRANDMOTHER IN THERE.
GET GRANDMA, EVERYBODY.
GET THE ROOSTER.
PUT THE ROOSTER IN THE CAR.
PUT THE ROOSTER...
WE CAN'T LEAVE THE ROOSTER
AT HOME ALONE.
RAHEEM THE ROOSTER --
PUT HIM IN THE CAR.
PUT HIM IN THE CAR."
AND THEY WOULD SHOW UP
AT THE PARK,
THIS CAR FILLED WITH PEOPLE.
I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHY'D THEY BRING
THE WHOLE VILLAGE?"
AND I WOULDN'T LOOK.
I WOULDN'T LOOK.
AND THEN MY DAD
WOULD GET OUT OF THE CAR,
AND HE'D BE REEKING OF COLOGNE.
WHICH WE LOVE TO DO.
WE DON'T PUT ON TWO SPRAYS.
WE POUR
THE WHOLE BOTTLE ON OURSELVES --
WHICH IS WHY MIDDLE EASTERNERS,
WE WOULD
NEVER MAKE GOOD BURGLARS.
WE'D NOT BE GOOD BURGLARS
'CAUSE THE HOMEOWNER WOULD SMELL
US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
THEY'D BE LIKE
"IS THAT ARMANI?
I SMELL ARMANI."
"I JUST CAME TO ROB ONE RUG.
ONE RUG.
I PUT ON ARMANI IN CASE.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
HOW ARE YOU? YOU GOOD?
GREAT.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I DID NOT KNOW YOU LIVED HERE.
HOW ARE YOU?
CAN I TAKE THE RUG, PLEASE?
I JUST WANT THE RUG."
WE'D NEVER BE GOOD BURGLARS
'CAUSE WE POUR THAT STUFF ON.
SO MY DAD
WOULD GET OUT OF THE CAR.
I'D BE SMELLING HIM
FROM 50 YARDS OUT.
I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHY'D HE USE THE WHOLE BOTTLE?"
STILL AVOIDING HIM,
AND THEN HE WOULD CALL FOR ME
WITH HIS THICK PERSIAN ACCENT.
HE WOULD CALL FOR ME --
"MAZIAR!"
"TIME TO GO HOME.
LET'S GO HOME."
AND I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
I THINK
HE'S TRYING TO KIDNAP ME."
"THAT'S AL-QAEDA IN THE CAR."
AND MY FATHER WOULD BE LIKE,
"SON, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, SON.
WE ARE PERSIAN, SON.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
WE HAD AN EMPIRE.
WE HAD AN EMPIRE.
2,000 YEARS AGO,
WE HAD AN EMPIRE.
RIGHT NOW IT'S BEING REMODELED."
"RIGHT NOW
IT'S MORE LIKE A DUPLEX.
IT'S A DUPLEX.
BUT ONE DAY -- EMPIRE.
EMPIRE."
THEN I GREW A FEW YEARS,
A FEW YEARS WENT BY,
AND THEN
THE HOSTAGE SITUATION HAPPENED.
I WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE WHEN
THE HOSTAGE SITUATION HAPPENED.
AND I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT WAS GOING ON.
AND THIS SIXTH GRADER
WELCOMED ME TO AMERICA.
THIS SIXTH GRADER, VERY NICE,
WELCOMED ME TO AMERICA.
HE WELCOMED ME BY CALLING ME
A "FUCKING 'I-RAIN-IAN.'"
AND I WAS LIKE,
"DUDE, FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S NOT 'I-RAIN-IAN,'
IT'S 'IR-RAHN-IAN.'
AND SECONDLY,
YOU'RE BIGGER THAN ME,
SO IT'S WHATEVER
YOU WANT IT TO BE."
BUT WHAT THAT GUY
DID NOT TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION
WAS THAT ONE DAY I'D GROW UP
AND GET TO PERFORM
IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE A A TIME, AND I COULD TELL THEM,
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JIM IS AN ASSHOLE."
YEAH, BABY!
SPREAD THE WORD.
MAKE IT A MySpace BULLETIN.
"SUBJECT -- JIM
BODY -- ASSHOLE."
MAKE IT A FACEBOOK INVITE.
"YOU'RE INVITED TO THE
JIM ASSHOLE PARTY."
I'M SURE THAT WORD
WILL GET TO HIM AT SOME POIN AND HE'LL TRY TO SUE ME,
BUT, HEY, MY WIFE'S A LAWYER,
SO BRING IT ON, BITCH.
"HAR DA DA DAR!"
THAT'S THE BEAUTY
OF BEING IRANIAN --
WE HAVE NO SHORTAGE
OF LAWYER FRIENDS.
LIKE, A LOT OF
MY OTHER COMEDIAN FRIENDS --
I GOT BLACK COMEDIAN FRIENDS,
AND THEIR POSSE
ARE, LIKE, BIG DUDES.
THEY GOT, LIKE, REAL BIG DUDES.
MY POSSE IS, LIKE, A LAWYER,
A DOCTOR, AND AN ACCOUNTANT.
I SWEAR.
I'LL BE LIKE,
"YEAH, YOU WANT TO FIGHT?
BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON.
WE'LL SUE YOU.
SUE HIM, BITCH, SUE HIM.
YOU MESS ME UP,
HE'S GONNA SEW ME BACK UP --
SEW ME BACK UP, PLAYER!
YOU WANT TO RUN SOME NUMBERS?
LET'S GO.
ACCOUNT! ACCOUNT, BITCH!"
THAT'S OUR POSSE.
YEAH, MAN. GROWING UP HERE.
THEN SEPTEMBER 11th HAPPENED.
THAT HAPPENED,
AND THAT WAS NOT GOOD EITHER.
I HAVE BEEN LUCKY.
I HAVEN'T HAD ANY RACISM
DIRECTLY TOWARDS ME,
BUT ACTUALLY SOMETHING HAPPENED
TO MY MOM AFTER SEPTEMBER 11th.
THIS HAPPENED TO MY MOM.
SHE WAS AT A GROCERY STORE.
SHE WAS SHOPPING.
AND THERE WAS A CART IN HER WAY
AND SHE HAD TO GET TO THE SHELF,
AND THERE WAS NO ONE
BY THE CART,
SO SHE MOVED THE CART, GOT HER
PRODUCT, WAS ABOUT TO LEAVE.
THE LADY CAME BACK AND GOES,
"EXCUSE ME, WHO MOVED MY CART?"
AND MY MOM
HAS A THICK PERSIAN ACCENT,
YOU KNOW, SO PEOPLE KNOW
SHE'S NOT FROM THIS COUNTRY.
AND SHE SAID, "I DID IT.
IT WAS IN MY WAY.
I HAD TO GET TO THE CEREAL,
SO I HAD TO MOVE IT,
AND IT WAS IN MY WAY,
SO I DID IT."
AND RIGHT AWAY,
THE LADY GOES,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
TO YOUR COUNTRY?"
YEAH, RIGHT AWAY.
AND MY MOM GOES,
"THIS IS MY COUNTRY."
-YEAH, YEAH.
BUT THEN THE LADY TOOK HER OWN
CART AND STARTED WALKING AWAY.
AND AS SHE WAS WALKING AWAY,
SHE TURNED TO MY MOM
AND GOES, "BITCH."
AND MY MOM IS A LADY --
"I'M A PERSIAN LADY.
I AM SOPHISTICATED.
WE DO NOT SWEAR.
WE DO NOT SWEAR."
SO SHE CAME BACK WITH THE BES COMEBACK SHE COULD THINK OF.
SHE SAID,
"SHE WHO SAYS IT, IS IT."
GO, MOM!
IT'S LIKE STRAIGHT OUT OF
THE FIFTH GRADE, RIGHT?
"I KNOW YOU ARE,
BUT WHAT AM I?
I AM RUBBER.
YOU ARE GLUE.
WHAT YOU SAY BOUNCE OFF OF ME
AND STICK TO YOU!"
MY MAMA.
OH, MAN.
AS A MIDDLE EASTERN AMERICAN,
I'VE BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS.
I WATCH I FROM THAT POINT OF VIEW.
I LOOK FOR, YOU KNOW,
BIASES IN THERE.
I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS
LAST YEAR.
THERE WAS THIS PLO TO BLOW UP JFK AIRPORT.
I WAS WATCHING THE NEWS.
I WAS LIKE, "PLEASE DON'T BE
MIDDLE EASTERN.
PLEASE DON'T BE MIDDLE EASTERN."
AND THE NEWS CAME OUT.
THEY SAID THEY'RE GUYANESE.
I WAS LIKE, "YES!
THOSE DAMN GUYANESE.
YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM.
YOU CAN'T TRUST THE GUYANESE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THAT IS.
BUT YOU CAN'T TRUST THEM."
BUT THEN THE NEXT DAY,
THE NEWS CAME OUT.
THEY SAID, "BUT THEY'RE MUSLIM."
I WAS LIKE, "DAMN!"
I WAS LIKE, "JUST ONCE
CAN'T IT BE ANOTHER RELIGION?
JUST ONCE. JUST ONCE,
COULDN'T IT BE A BUDDHIST?
JUST ONCE."
BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
IT WILL NEVER BE A BUDDHIST,
RIGHT?
'CAUSE THE BUDDHISTS
LIVE IN THE MOMENT, RIGHT?
A BUDDHIST WOULD BE LIKE,
"I WAS GONNA BLOW MYSELF UP..."
"BUT THAT MOMENT IS GONE.
I AM IN ANOTHER MOMEN RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T FEEL VERY EXPLOSIVE.
I FEEL LIKE DANCING.
I FEEL LIKE DANCING RIGHT NOW."
IN THE NEWS -- THIS WAS
IN THE NEWS LAST YEAR.
THERE WAS AN AIRPLANE
LEAVING MINNEAPOLIS AIRPORT.
THERE WERE SIX IMAMS
OUTSIDE THE PLANE.
THEY WERE PRAYING
BEFORE THEY GOT ON THE PLANE.
THE PASSENGERS SAW THEM PRAYING,
FREAKED OUT, TOLD THE PILOT,
AND THE PILO KICKED THEM OFF THE PLANE.
I HEARD THA AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
"I'M PRETTY SURE
THE JOB OF AL-QAEDA
IS TO LAY LOW
BEFORE GETTING ON THE PLANE."
AL-QAEDA'S NOT GONNA BE PRAYING
BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE,
RIGHT?
THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE RUNNING
AROUND THE AIRPORT GOING,
"LUH-LUH-LUH-LUH-LUH!"
BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE,
RIGHT?
I'M NOT WORRIED
ABOUT THE GUYS PRAYING
BEFORE THEY GET ON THE PLANE.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE GUY
WHO'S TRYING TO BLEND IN
TOO HARD, RIGHT?
I'M WORRIED ABOUT THE GUY WHO'S
COMING UP GOING, "HEY, BUDDY...
HOW ABOUT THOSE YANKEES?
THEY WILL WIN THE SUPER BOWL
THIS YEAR."
I'D BE LIKE, "THAT'S YOUR GUY
RIGHT THERE!"
THIS WAS ON "60 MINUTES"
LAST YEAR.
"60 MINUTES"
DID A PIECE ON THE U.S. NAVY.
THE U.S. NAVY FIRED SOME ARABIC
TRANSLATORS WHO ARE AMERICAN,
BUT THEY WERE DOING
ARABIC TRANSLATIONS.
THEY FIRED THEM BECAUSE
THEY FOUND OUT THEY WERE GAY.
YEAH, THERE'S A "DON'T ASK,
DON'T TELL" POLICY
IN THE MILITARY.
THEY FOUND OUT THEY'RE GAY.
THEY FIRED THEM.
I HEARD THAT AND I THOUGHT TO
MYSELF, "WHAT ARE WE AFRAID OF?
WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA 'GAY UP'
THE TRANSLATION?"
RIGHT? ARE THEY GONNA BE LIKE,
"OKAY, I HEAR
SOME CHATTER.
THERE'S GONNA BE A BOMBING
AT THE EMBASSY.
AND A SALE AT PRADA! OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD."
IT'S A STUPID POLICY, MAN.
THIS WAS IN THE NEWS LAST YEAR.
LAST YEAR IN SCOTLAND,
THESE GUYS DROVE THEIR S.U.V.
INTO THE AIRPORT.
AND MY FRIEND COMES UP TO ME,
HE GOES, "HEY, BRO.
THOSE ARE YOUR PEOPLE, BRO.
YOUR PEOPLE. YOUR PEOPLE DID IT.
YOUR PEOPLE, YOUR PEOPLE.
MIDDLE EASTERN. YOUR PEOPLE.
YOUR PEOPLE.
YOUR PEOPLE DID IT.
YOUR PEOPLE, YOUR PEOPLE,
YOUR PEOPLE."
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN,
WE'RE NOT ALL TERRORISTS, OKAY?
WE ARE LAWYERS. WE'RE ENGINEERS.
WE ARE DOCTORS."
-WHOO!
-I TOLD HIM THAT.
YEAH. YES.
NEXT DAY, THE NEWS CAME OUT --
THOSE GUYS WERE DOCTORS.
I CALLED HIM UP.
I SAID, "AS I WAS SAYING,
WE'RE LAWYERS AND ENGINEERS.
WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.
WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.
CAN'T TRUS A MIDDLE EASTERN DOCTOR."
IN THE NEWS.
THIS WAS IN THE NEWS.
THIS IS THE LAST PIECE OF NEWS
I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT.
THIS WAS IN THE NEWS.
LAST YEAR, THEY CONVICTED
THIS GUY JOSE PADILLA,
WHO WAS ACCUSED OF TRYING TO DO
A DIRTY BOMB
IN CHICAGO-O'HARE AIRPOR ABOUT FIVE, SIX YEARS AGO.
THEY CONVICTED HIM,
AND THEY SAID
THAT THE BIGGEST PIECE
OF INCRIMINATING EVIDENCE
AGAINST HIM
WAS THAT THEY FOUND
HIS FINGERPRINTS
ON AN APPLICATION
TO GO TO AL-QAEDA TRAINING CAMP.
YEAH, APPARENTLY THERE'S
AN APPLICATION...
...TO GO
TO AL-QAEDA TRAINING CAMP.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS EXISTED,
AND I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE QUESTIONS ARE
ON THE APPLICATION.
I DON'T KNOW
IF THE QUESTIONS ARE, YOU KNOW,
"HAVE YOU EVER TRIED
TO BLOW YOURSELF UP BEFORE?
IF YES, HOW ARE YOU FILLING OU THIS APPLICATION NOW?
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS
IN THIS JOB?"
"TO BLOW MYSELF UP."
"WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS?"
"TO BLOW MYSELF UP."
"DO YOU HAVE ANY REFERENCES?"
"THEY BLEW THEMSELVES UP."
"THERE IS ONE BUDDHIST.
HE WAS NOT FEELING EXPLOSIVE
THAT DAY."
YOU GUYS, THAT'S MY SHOW.
I'M MAZ JOBRANI.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD NIGHT, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. YEAH.
JUST FOCUS TO -- THAT CAMERA.
YES, SIR.
MAZ JABRONI,
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW,
YOU PUNK, PIECE OF GARBAGE --
YOU DON'T PAY FOR YOUR DUE.
SO GIVE ME CUE.
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, I'M READY.
YOU ARE DUMB SON OF A
MAZ JABRONI -- HA!
PTUH!
THIS IS THE IRON SHEIK,
WWE OR WWF, BOTH WAY CHAMPION.
YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE!
YOU -- YOU ARE EMBARRASSING
FOR THE IRANIAN PEOPLE.
HOW MANY GOLD MEDALS YOU HAVE?
I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW --
YOU ARE VERY, VERY LAZY,
DUMB SON OF A
YOU ARE THE NUMBER-ONE
PIECE OF GARBAGE IN MY BOOK.
SOONER OR LATER,
I'D LIKE TO SUPLEX YOU,
PUT YOU IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH,
AND BREAK YOUR BACK
AND YOUR
MAKES YOU HUMBLE.
I'M READY, SIR.
MAZ JABRONI, I'M HERE TONIGH TO CONGRATULATE YOU.
AND I TELL YOU,
YOU'RE DOING GREAT.
AND I'LL BE HAPPY TONIGHT --
I AM IN THE HOLLYWOOD,
LOS ANGELES.
GOD BLESS YOU.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.
YOU!
YOU DON'T PAY FOR
YOUR DUE.
I SHOULD HAVE
BEAT THE OUT OF YOU!