I don't know
if what happened to me was real
or if it was just a dream.
I'm not even sure
that that matters anymore.
But I feel like I owe
you all an apology.
If you're going to believe any
of this or even understand it,
I feel like I'm going to have
to start at the beginning.
Looking back,
it seems like only yesterday.
I fell in love
with my wife, April,
when I was about 5 years old.
Richie, do you want
some honeysuckle tea?
I guess.
I leamed then,
when it comes to women,
there's always a catch.
You're my fella, Richie,
and when a girl meets a fella,
they end up having tea
and getting married.
Oh.
I want to be a spaceman
and fly to the moon.
Dinner
time, April! Come on in.
Okay, Mom!
We'll get married when you
get back from the moon.
I'll wait for you.
I don't care how much
you plan for your future.
You don't know what it's
actually going to be like
until you live it.
The years passed quickly
and with them came children,
bills, and responsibilities.
There's never enough
time, money, or freedom.
Somewhere between honeysuckle
tea and "How did I get here?"
my life happened, and I didn't
recognize myself anymore.
I know a man must die,
but I didn't know
that he was bound to die twice.
Long before
he's put into the ground,
he must trade the man of his
youth, his goals and dreams,
for mowing lawns,
taking out the trash
and weekends of antiquing.
Nice ride, Mr. Chaplin.
That's kind of like dying, right?
# And she saw me #
# I put my foot in my mouth
and started walking #
# So why #
# What's the problem #
I don't regret marrying
April and having a family.
I regret not really
understanding what that life
would look like.
I wasn't prepared for it.
April got tired of me passing
through life like a sleepwalker
and asked for a separation.
I wasn't prepared
for that, either.
Wake up, sunshine!
Breakfast is served.
What time is it?
It is Sunday.
That's what time it is.
Oh, another Sunday already.
Oh.
Do you know I've been preaching
to the same people for 15 years
and nothing changes?
Can't somebody else do it?
Can't somebody else be you?
No.
Not only does that defy
the laws of physics,
nobody would want
to be you right now.
Fried calamari?
What do you want from me?
I run an Italian restaurant.
Look, Rich, I know
your wife threw you out,
and your kids
want nothing to do with you,
you're burnt out
on your job; but, Buddy,
start looking at things
from the bright side.
Okay, I guess there
is no bright side.
You ever wish you
were someone else,
so that you could be
free to live the life
you were supposed to?
Who doesn't?
Look at me.
I was supposed to be
a hotshot Hollywood director.
Instead, I run a restaurant
for the meanest guy
on the planet.
Look, you play the hand
you were dealt.
I'll see you in church.
I'll see you later.
Pastor? You got a minute
before the service
this moming?
Sure, come on in,
Bill, Maggie, baby.
So, how can I help you?
It's about our baby.
She's just a baby.
It's not her fault.
You're always taking her side!
Guys!
Look, we didn't plan on
the financial burden of a baby.
It's putting a strain
on our marriage.
We're hoping you
had some advice.
Well, figure it out soon,
because lawyers are
more expensive than children.
I've got to get ready
for church.
What are you looking at?
So, how does the story
of the prodigal son end?
Kid comes home
after squandering
away his father's fortune,
and he is... you guys are going
to love this... pretty much,
he is treated
like a rock star!
Huh?
Well, you know,
we need a rock star.
Wah, wah, wah, wah!
Huh?
This guy's on the drums!
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
doo-doo-doo-whoosh!
Ah!
The crowd goes wild!
And the respectful son,
right,
the guy who stayed home,
and he did the right thing,
you know what he got?
Does anybody here know
what the guy
that did the right thing got?
Nada, nothing, zip!
So, there you have it!
Life is unfair.
That about covers it.
Well, thank you.
That was interesting.
Let's everyone
pick up their hymnals.
Obnoxious, when
subtlety isn't enough.
The
following live presentation
is a paid for advertisement.
Did you ever
wish you were someone else?
You have no idea.
Have you ever wondered,
'Is this all there is?"
Every day.
Hello, folks.
I'm Big Earl, and I'm here
to tell you about a program
guaranteed to give you
a new heart and spirit,
but you have to act fast.
Time is running out.
Call now.
Big Earl.
Got that?
So, Michael, how's school?
Why is it when parents don't
know what to say to their kids,
they ask about school?
Well, school is important.
I don't like this food.
So, what's new
with you Briar?
Nothing.
Who are you texting?
It's really none
of your business.
She's in love with a boy.
Shut up, dork-a-lo!
Children!
I'm not a child!
So, everybody
enjoying their meal?
What is it?
Well, young lady,
that is the house special,
a sauteed tripe
in a mongoose marinade.
Hmm?
Ah, I'm needed
in the kitchen.
Bon appetit.
What's a tripe?
What's a mongoose?
You don't have to eat that.
Eighty-six the marinade!
Hey, Mikey!
Where's your mom?
Probably in the garage.
Hey, maybe next week
we could go to that,
that game place you like.
Hey.
What's all this?
I'm cleaning out the garage
and turning it
into an art studio.
What started all this?
I haven't painted
since college.
I like to finish what I start.
You're saying that I don't?
Well, there's the playhouse
you were supposed to build
the kids.
You said, "What's the point?
They're just going to
grow out of it one day."
And then there was the mug that
Ruby was supposed to paint me
for Mother's Day.
I think that was
about the time you checked out
and just, you know,
stopped trying.
Okay, but what
else besides those?
What else didn't you finish?
Um, oh, yeah, our marriage.
I'm not the one who
asked for a separation.
But you've changed, Richie.
You are not
the man that I married.
I mean, it's like
you're a roommate,
and all you do is complain about
how unfulfilled your life is.
I mean, do you have any idea
what it does to a woman's spirit
to feel like,
you know, she's an anchor
around her husband's neck?
It's not like that at all.
I mean, haven't you
ever wondered
if there was more out there?
More than us?
I mean, more than me?
That's not what I meant.
I have waited for you
to figure out what's important,
Richie, okay?
And after 15 years
and 3 kids, I am still waiting.
How come I'm
not in the picture?
Because you
haven't wanted to be.
April, wait a second.
April!
Obnoxious, when
subtlety isn't enough.
Big Earl here,
reminding you of a program guaranteed
to wash the old you away!
Make the first step
for a new you.
Call now.
Your stone heart
will be replaced,
but you have to act now.
Time is running out.
Well, he's persistent.
I'll give him that.
Call now.
I'm talking to you.
Hey, I need cheering up.
You want to come over
with a movie or two
from your massive collection?
Cool, see you in a bit.
I don't get what
you're doing, Lord.
I was supposed to be
a great man,
a leader,
someone who inspired
people, Lord,
but instead I feel
like I'm nothing.
I'm nothing.
I'm ordinary.
I'm miserable.
I'm losing my family.
Please, God,
help me to be the man
you want me to be.
Help me to be...
anybody except who I am.
Tony?
Tony?
Time to get up, Mr. Bastion.
The sluggard craves
and gets nothing,
but the desire of the
diligent is fully satisfied.
No eggs this morning for you.
The doctor says
you need more fiber.
Uh, where am I?
Now, don't you start making
a fuss about this breakfast.
Fresh fruit never hurt anybody.
Who, who are you?
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I don't know what happened.
I think I just... I must've
been sleepwalking
and, and wandered into
the wrong house.
Are you all right,
Mr. Bastion?
I, I, I've gotta...
I'll be going now.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I don't, I don't
know what happened.
I'm sorry.
Mr. Bastion,
you open this door.
You're scaring me.
Wake up, wake up, Rich.
Wake up.
Ai!
Ah!
Hold on, Mr. Bastion.
I'm going to call your doctor.
I knew something like
this would happen.
Oh, okay, this
isn't happening here.
This is just a bad dream, Rich.
He's having another
one of his spells,
and I can't find his
heart pills anywhere.
Mr. Bastion,
you come back here.
You need to take your pills!
Well, looks like he
tied one on again last night.
Tony, Tony!
Oh, oh!
Goodness!
Okay.
It's so good
to see you, buddy.
Good to see you,
too, Mr. Bastion.
What?
Maybe we should
get in the car.
You come
back here, Mr. Bastion!
You need to take
your medicine!
Good idea.
Let's get out of here!
Yeah.
Something really weird
is happening, Tony.
I know.
I don't know what it is,
but traffic's backed
up for miles.
Hey, Carl, take the side roads. Stay off the
highway.
Tony, look at me.
What do you see?
Well, I see a very brilliant
and successful restaurateur.
No, who do you see?
Well, I see you, Mr. Bastion.
You want something to drink?
Thank you.
You're not going
to believe this,
but when I woke up this
morning, it was...
Ah!
What is this, whiskey?
Frank, do you feel all right?
No, I'm not!
I'm tired, and my joints ache.
My stomach is on fire!
I need some air!
I need some... ah!
He's having a heart attack!
Ah, ah, ah!
Tony, what is happening to me?
Frank, do you have
your heart pills?
I am not Frank!
Ah, man, time
to look for another job.
You need to give him a pill!
No, sir.
What if I get some of that
heart attack spit on me.
I'm Rich!
You're going to be
rich and dead,
if you don't take this pill!
Rich, Rich Chaplin!
Tony, help me.
Help me, Tony.
Help me.
Help me, Tony.
Oh, oh,
I'm starving!
Oh, oh.
What?
I need food.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Butter?
Nothing you do,
nothing you do
will ever be good enough.
You have a terrible smile.
Who do you think you are?
Oh, come on!
I don't know
what kind of game you're playing, Chloe,
but you'd better not be
ate for this photo shoot.
This is your last chance
with this client!
You got that, Chloe?
Last chance!
Hello, hello.
You're ugly.
Work harder.
You're worthless?
Wow, this is
getting ridiculous.
Oh.
Hello, this is Tony.
Tony, it's me again.
Yes, ma'am, what
can I do for you?
It's me, Rich Chaplin,
your best friend!
Look, lady, I am in no mood
for this kind of thing today.
Listen to me, carefully.
Your name is
Frabrutzio Morelli.
You've called yourself Tony
since the second grade,
because you didn't like
the name Frabrutzio.
When we were 12, I helped you
break the world's record
for stuffing the most frogs
down a person's pants.
I need your help, Tony.
And if you think it was
weird when I was your boss,
just wait until you see
me as a starving model
in 4-inch heels!
You do realize
that you look like
a beautiful woman?
I'm aware of that.
Is there anything
to eat in here?
I'm starving.
Would it be weird
if I asked you out?
I mean, technically, you're not
you anymore, and we have a...
Dude, get over the way that I
look and help me figure out
what is happening to me.
Of course, you're right.
All right, uh, okay, did you
have a recent encounter
with a genie or a leprechaun?
No.
Aunicorn?
No.
All right,
rules that out.
Are you now or have you ever
been a terminator, replicator,
or any other form
of bio-robotic being?
Ah.
All right, that rules out science fiction.
All right, were you recently
bitten, perhaps, by a...
Okay, you know what?
This is, this is
getting us nowhere.
Whew.
Really?
Well, all right.
What is the last thing you
remember before this happened?
I was, I was at the church
waiting for you to come over.
Yeah, but that's just it.
I did come over last night.
We watched movies 'til
like 2:00 in the morning.
You're telling me you
don't remember that?
No, I don't remember that!
This is so weird.
All right, so then
what happened?
I don't know.
I was watching TV.
This guy was talking about
the new me,
and I prayed.
You prayed?
Yeah, I prayed.
So what?
That changes
everything, friend.
Divine intervention.
It's a whole other ball game.
'It's A Wonderful Life"?
conic masterpiece.
The answer to your
dilemma rests in here.
You're saying I'm
supposed to watch this movie?
I'm saying you're
supposed to live this movie.
Obviously, your
prayers were answered.
Clearly, you have
something you need to do.
I suggest you go with it.
Go with it?
I'm a man of God!
I don't believe in
magic or fantasy!
God doesn't work this way!
What?
You mean miracles?
Okay, if I'm
supposed to help you,
the first thing you
are going to do is eat.
Yeah.
Oh.
Hello?
So now you answer your phone.
Are you flaking
on me again, Chloe?
You called earlier.
Yes, Chloe, that's what
agents do, and as your agent,
I'm now asking why
aren't you at the shoot?
There is no need
for you to yell like that.
It's disrespectful.
I'm texting you
the directions again.
Okay, go with it.
# You're shy
Come on #
# It's time
to lose yourself #
# So go on, get free #
# Right underneath
your feet now #
# And get on the backbeat #
# Weight of the world
off your shoulders #
# Put on the repeat
and rock it 'til it's over #
# Come get
on the backbeat #
# Get it up
and under your feet now #
# If you've got the backbeat #
# Then let me
hear you say yeah #
# Here we go #
# Lose control #
# Let's leave this world
behind us #
Where is she?
The client
is losing confidence.
Not to worry.
I'm sure she'll walk
in any second now.
Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Interesting choice.
Tell me you can fix that.
Maybe with a spatula
and a blow torch.
Poor girl needs some
lessons in self-defense.
Who did this to her?
You've really
done it now, Chloe.
Look at you.
I told you this
was your last chance.
I don't feel so good.
I feel dizzy.
Get it together, you freak,
or I will ruin you
in this town.
Hello, Chaplin residence.
Hello, Briar?
Yeah, who's this?
It's...
Wrong number, sorry.
So, who was
that on the phone?
Some weirdo, I guess.
Well, I guess
that's all that's left.
I can ask Colin
to come haul it away.
This is not the way
it was supposed to happen.
He promised me.
Who, Dad?
How do you know if a boy
s going to break
his promise to you?
Is there something
that you want to tell me?
No, what are
you talking about?
Ooh, yes, yeah, I like it.
Hey, there you go.
# I've got this joy
right down in my heart #
# It's gonna bubble,
bubble out of my life #
Wow, she looks awful.
You got anything to eat?
Tell me there is something
you can do about her makeup?
I could blend it a bit.
Actually, the client
likes this look, heroin chic,
kind of a raw,
post-modern nouveau.
It's the latest thing
in the enviro garbage
toxic greenhouse thing.
Right.
You, out!
Chloe, in!
Awful.
Chloe, in!
# I've got this joy, got this
joy right down in my heart #
# It's gonna bubble,
bubble out of my life #
# It's gonna bubble,
bubble out of my life #
Hey.
Yeah, here we go.
She looks wounded.
Ha-ha.
I like it!
Show me rage!
Oh, yeah, that's it,
more rage.
More like that,
more like it.
Oh, yeah, yeah,
nice, nice.
Oh, that's nice.
Is she dead?
If she is, these pictures
will be worth a fortune.
Chloe, Chloe!
Chloe, Chloe!
Am I dead?
Is this heaven?
Why is everything so white?
It's April and the kids!
That fish looks like
t's having a spaz attack.
Are you serious?
I'm a fish?
I think it's because
we're eating its family.
I don't care what Tony says.
This has gone too far.
Tony said to tell
you guys it's on the house, tonight.
Oh, tell him
thank you for us.
Thanks for coming.
Sure.
April! Hey, over here!
Mom?
Mm-hm?
When is Daddy coming home?
Um, Daddy and I are,
you know,
we're taking some time apart,
so we can figure out
what's best for all of us.
How is taking
time apart best for anyone?
Listen, you guys, I know
that this is very hard for you
to understand, okay?
It's very hard
for me to explain.
Well, haven't you known
Daddy your whole life?
What are you waiting
for him to do?
Sometimes,
you know, your father,
he needs a push
in the right direction.
I'm here in the room!
Well, what's next?
I push harder.
Remind me never
to get married.
Okay, you guys, come on.
Let's go, everybody.
Hey, come back, kids!
April, it's me.
It's time I get
a little rough with him.
Come on, honey, let's go.
Ruby!
Yeah, Ruby, over here.
I love you, honey.
I promise to try harder.
No, no, no!
Hello, fishy.
No.
You're so pretty.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, stop that.
Now, what is that?
Wait a minute.
Oh, no.
Come on!
I'm a baby?
What's the matter
with her now?
There's nothing
the matter with her, Bill.
She's a baby.
Wait a minute.
That's Bill and Maggie.
Why does she keep doing this?
I mean she starts crying,
and she stops crying.
I mean...
Babies cry.
They're my parents?
Oh, this is not good.
It's 2:00 in the morning.
I mean, isn't it bad enough
I've got to work overtime?
Now she won't even let me sleep.
She's not doing
it on purpose.
Guys, really?
You're going to fight now?
Now look what you did.
Now she's crying.
Right, I'm the one
that made her cry.
Come on.
Hello?
This is no way
to treat a baby.
Look, babe,
I've gotta get back to bed.
Ooh, I've got a full diaper,
and I think I
might have a rash.
I'm pretty hungry down here.
Oh, now we're talking.
Boy, that's some
good stuff right there.
Mm-mm.
Ooh, I've got a little
gurgle in my stomach.
There's a little something
to show my appreciation.
Oh, now, was that so hard?
Babies are people, too.
Goodnight, sweet girl.
They just want a little love.
Wait, baby.
Hush, not yet.
One, two, three.
Happy birthday!
Now let's see
about that peach pie.
Yeah, yeah.
Come on, grandma.
Mama, come on.
Open up your presents, Mama,
and then we can eat supper.
Read my card, Mama.
My eyes,
I can't, I can't see.
Muriel, you lose
your glasses again?
I guess so.
Here you go, Mama.
Thank you.
For the best great grandmother
anybody could ever have.
Love, Kizzie.
Open up your presents, Mama.
I'm hungry.
Darryl!
What?
No, I shouldn't
open these presents.
Save those for her,
for me later.
Of course.
You must be tired
after working all day.
How old are you now?
Kizzie, a lady
never tells her age.
You got that right.
I still don't know
how old you are.
How old is grandma?
Darla, please.
What?
How are things at the plant?
Same thing every day.
Why didn't you wear
that jacket I love?
Girl, it
don't even fit anymore.
But, you know,
t's getting old anyway.
They haven't won
a game in 4 years.
Something wrong over there.
Mama,
I told Charles,
whenever you're ready,
come stay with us.
I can't imagine what it must
be like living all alone.
A toast.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
Since when does Muriel
allow alcohol in her house?
It's tea, Reverend Green.
It's just tea.
Well, somebody
should've told me.
We did.
Mama, I don't
know how you did it.
After Daddy died,
I was so scared for you
and for all of us.
I remember hating seeing you
get up at the crack of dawn
to go clean people's houses,
working your fingers
to the bones all them years
to keep a roof over
our heads and keep us kids
out of trouble.
I felt guilty
for all your burdens.
We all did.
But if I heard
you say it once,
I heard you say it
a million times.
You told us,
'It's not a burden."
It's a privilege.
It's a privilege.
And, today, Mama, we have
the privilege of returning
that love and commitment.
So, happy birthday.
We love you.
Good, now let's go eat
before she gets any older, huh?
Reverend Green,
could you lead us in prayer?
Well, now, I don't often
shy away from giving thanks,
but this time, I think it's
fitting if Muriel led us.
Sure.
Dear Lord, we thank you
for this wonderful time
and this beautiful day.
Thank you, Lord,
for the opportunity to share
with this family
and for showing me what
t's supposed to look like,
according to your plan.
And, Lord, I don't know how
much time I have left with them,
but each moment is a blessing.
Amen.
Amen.
Ah, the little
girl looks stressed.
You okay, Dorothy, huh?
Tony, where is he?
I've been trying to give
this to him for days.
Have you seen him?
That depends.
You know, I, I really thought
that this separation, you know,
would, would make
him come around,
but I don't even think
he cares anymore.
No, April, Rich cares.
He just, he hasn't
been himself lately.
Okay, well,
you know what?
You give this to him, okay?
And you tell him our
court date is on Friday.
If he has something to say to
me, he can just say it then, hm?
Yeah.
Ah, Rich, where are you, man?
Wake up, Colin!
I don't know why you think
you can sleep in all day!
Look at this mess!
Olean up this room
before you go out today.
Yes, ma'am.
Ma'am?
Are you doing drugs?
Um, I don't think so.
Let's go.
And be more productive today.
You.
You're a jerk!
Hello?
Where are you?
You were supposed to pick
me up a half an hour ago.
Briar?
My mom's coming back soon,
and now she's going to know.
She's, she's
going to know what?
Stop acting like such a dufe
ball and just get over here!
Oh, I knew you were trouble.
Where are you going?
I'm not sure.
I think I'm supposed
to pick up Briar.
Hey, you ever think about
the way you raised me,
that maybe you've been
a little too lenient?
When I get back,
we should take some time
to talk about proper discipline.
# So why
what's the problem #
What is this
garbage they listen to?
Oh, nice touch, very homey.
Michael, Ruby!
Oh, hey, Colin.
Hey?
What's up, brother!
Yeah, um, awkward.
Ruby, give Daddy a big hug.
You're not my daddy.
No, I'm not your daddy, but
how about a daddy-sized hug,
right?
Huh?
Okay, all right.
Uh, so what are you guys doing?
We're playing
in our playhouse.
That's not a playhouse.
It's as close as
we're ever going to get to one.
What are you doing out here?
Hi, honey.
I missed you so much.
No, whoa.
Hey!
What are you doing?
I'm telling Mom
you hugged a boy.
That's right.
You're telling your mother,
because that was
completely inappropriate.
You'd better keep your
mouth shut, you little twerp.
Hey, that's no way
to talk to your little brother.
You're not supposed to
have boys here when Mom's not home.
He's got a point.
You know, I shouldn't
even be here.
You are in big trouble,
little lady.
Come on, let's go.
Wait, shouldn't
we, uh, you know,
wait for your
mother to get home?
My mom?
Man, I sure would
like to see her.
Okay, if you don't stop
acting like such a freak,
I'm going to scream.
Okay, okay.
I'll see you guys later, huh?
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, smile.
Hey, wait up.
What a freak.
You want to tell
me where we're going?
This whole thing
was your idea.
Wait, are you
backing out now?
You promised me.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Promised you what?
You are just like my dad.
My mom trusted him,
and look where it got her.
Wait, wait, just slow down.
What are you talking about?
The doctor's office.
Remember?
You're taking me
to the doctor's office.
Why?
Are you sick?
You're really going
to make me say it?
Isn't that enough
that I've agreed to do it?
Do what?
Of all the... I can't believe
you would...
your mother would faint
if she knew.
You're in so much
trouble right now!
I can't... with Colin,
of all people, Colin, me,
with... young lady, you are
grounded 'til the rapture!
Briar, Briar!
Briar Emily Chaplin, you get
back here right this instant!
Excuse me?
There is no reason
for you to be using
that tone of voice
with my daughter.
April, I'm glad you're here. We've got major
problems.
I would prefer you address
me as Mrs. Chaplin, Colin.
If it's not bad enough, our
kids are playing in a pile
of wood, Briar's about to make
a huge mistake with a boy!
What are you talking about?
What boy?
Me!
Uh, not me, but Colin.
You know what?
I think it's time
for you to leave.
April, April, listen to me.
Okay, listen to me.
I need you to keep
an open mind on this, okay?
I am your husband.
I'm him, me, Rich!
Okay, that's
not funny, Colin.
No, you, you have
to believe me, April.
I am the father
of your children.
Okay, you know what?
Don't you ever
come here again, okay?
I want you
to stay away from Briar
and stay away from my family.
And if you do come around, I'm
going to have you arrested.
April?
Or better yet,
committed to an institution.
April!
Yeah, all right, all right.
Can I help you, young man?
It's me again.
I liked you better
when you were a hot babe.
You have no idea
the day that I've had.
See, that's what's weird,
because I just spent
the whole day with you.
What?
The other you, the real you,
trying to figure
this whole thing out.
You mean I'm
still walking around?
Yes!
What was I like?
Same old miserable
self-loathing,
suck the energy out
of a room guy you always are.
How can you stand
to be around me?
Why are you still my friend?
Because you haven't
always been like this.
Do you remember when
I went to New York,
and I fell on my face out there
trying to make it
n the movie business?
All I ever wanted was
to direct and write movies,
and it didn't work out.
I was in a bad way.
You, you drove all the way from
the West Coast to come out there
and straighten me out.
You saved my life...
by introducing me to Jesus,
and I found out that I could
actually have a better life
than the life
I thought I wanted.
You know, Rich, you may not
like yourself very much,
but you've got the ability
to make those people around you
like themselves
a whole lot more.
That's a gift, man.
I don't know about that.
Why is this happening to me?
Am I being punished?
Well, let's break it down.
Have you learned anything?
Have I leamed anything?
Do you know what I've learned?
My youngest kids
think that I'm a loser.
My oldest daughter is about
to make the biggest mistake
of her life.
And so,
yeah, yeah, I've learned.
I've leamed
that I am a terrible father
and a husband.
But we already knew that.
I'm saying have you
leamed anything different?
When is this going to end?
Buddy, that's
entirely up to you.
Do you feel like you've
touched rock bottom?
Do you feel like you're
at the end of your rope?
Have you thought
about just giving up?
No!
Look, things are going
to get a lot worse
before they get better.
Every hero has to die before
he could be bom again.
I'm a Christian.
I'm already born again.
Ah, I think you
were bored again.
What you need right now is
a crises that's going to change
the way you live your life.
What do you mean?
This may speed things up.
April brought this by before.
I was supposed
to give it to you.
I was kind of hoping
for the best.
What is it?
I don't know.
I didn't read it.
It's divorce papers.
I've gotta get out of here.
I've gotta go back home
and save my marriage!
Hey, hey!
Come here!
April!
April, it's me!
Go away, Colin.
April, April, it's me!
All right, boy, come on!
Well, ma'am,
I guess that about wraps it up.
I have no idea
what came over him.
He frightens me.
Well, it looks like he's got
it bad for your daughter, April.
Actually, I'm April.
Oh, well, it's worse
than I thought, then.
Ah, a night in county
ought to smarten him up.
Have a good night.
Thank you.
Whew.
Funny thing about life.
Just when you think things
can't get any worse,
they usually do.
Why me, Lord?
Why did you put
me in this story,
if it wasn't going
to have a happy ending?
# Why me, Lord,#
# Why can't I have
a happy ending #
# Aboo-hoo, boo-hoo #
# A crybaby you #
# Aboo-hoo, boo-hoo #
That's a little rude.
Well, you were having
a pity party out loud,
so naturally I assumed
everyone was invited.
I thought I was alone.
# Oh, I'm all alone #
# And nobody cares,#
# Ooh, I'm all alone #
# Ooh, I'm all alone #
You're never alone, son.
You should know that.
I know you.
You're that guy
from the TV commercial.
And I know you.
You're the guy who's ready
to throw it all away,
cause you think life's unfair.
If you're so smart,
why are you in jail?
Oh, I like jail.
Folks who end up in jail
usually spend a lot of time
thinking about the mistakes
they made in life,
their regrets.
So, people who are at the end
of their rope are more likely
to buy into your program?
If that's what it takes.
Look, I'm gonna
level with you.
This is not me, okay?
I'm not who you think I am.
This, this is not...
I'm not this person.
I mean, this, this is not me.
I'm serious.
Why are you doing that?
You couldn't possibly
understand how I feel.
Here's what you
need to understand.
What you feel is a choice.
Happiness is
a decision you make.
Hey, that door is locked.
Of course, it's locked.
This is a jail.
Sleep on it, son.
You're running out of time.
Wait a minute.
Hey! Hey!
So, this is what
rock bottom feels like.
Dad, come back.
It's over.
I'm home.
I'm home.
April?
Daddy?
Ruby?
It's okay, honey.
I'm here.
You were just
having a bad dream.
I want Daddy.
But Daddy's right here.
Daddy's not far away, honey.
And he loves you very much.
She's having a
bad dream about Daddy again?
She's going to be fine.
We're all going to be fine.
Tell me a story.
A story?
What's going on?
We were just about
to tell a story.
Come on.
Once upon a time, there was
a man with two sons who lived
on a farm, and one of the sons
thought that life on the farm
was too hard of work
and too boring,
and so he left in search
of something different.
He ran away?
Kind of.
He was jealous of the way that
other people lived, rich people,
people who he thought
had exciting lives.
While he was away, he, he
kept getting into all kinds of
trouble, because he kept doing
things that he knew were wrong.
Well, one day, the son decided
that he had had enough
of this life, and he just
wanted to go home.
He felt that life really wasn't
worth much without his family
and his farm.
So, he went home,
and his father
was so excited to see him
that he threw him
this big party.
Did they have
ice cream and a pinata?
Sure.
Why not?
Well, what does
the story mean, Mom?
It means that no matter what
you've done, who you've become,
or how far you've strayed...
- that our heavenly Father
and our earthly father
will always welcome us
back with open arms.
It's never too late to go home.
It's never too late.
Have you seen Dad?
Uh, yeah, he's around.
Why?
I wanted to talk
to him about, you know,
what happened last night with
Colin and the police and all.
Uh, yeah, I think
that's a really good idea.
Hey, would you mind watching
Mike and Ruby
for me this afternoon?
I've gotta run out for a while.
Twenty bucks?
How about ten?
Dad always gives me 20.
Actually, I know
for a fact that he doesn't.
Your father and I have a lot
more in common than you think.
Dad always
burns the pancakes,
so I guess you have
that in common, too.
Hm?
Oh, oh!
Who wants to go to
Uncle Tony's for breakfast?
Kids!
Hey, Uncle Tony.
Hey.
Good to see you.
April, I tried to give
Rich these papers.
He wouldn't take them.
It's me again.
Rich?
Yeah, yeah.
I woke up last night as April.
Oh, buddy,
you look terrible.
Oh, this, this is awful.
Actually,
t's been pretty great.
I envy my wife's
relationship with the kids.
All that's
going to change now.
Well, look, dude,
whatever you're going to do,
you'd better do it quick.
You've got court
in an hour.
Okay, okay.
What comes next?
Well, you have
to face your enemy,
and you have to defeat it.
Okay.
Who's the enemy?
Who's the enemy?
You.
You've always been
your own worst enemy.
All right, listen,
after the kids finish eating,
can you take them back
to your place for a while?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
This ends today.
Kids.
Ha, ha.
You, we need to talk.
Excuse me.
Who are you?
Your Honor, that's
a really good question.
Just who are you?
Do you even know anymore?
You're a man of the cloth
sitting in a divorce court.
I mean, you don't even
believe in divorce!
You must be the defendant
in Chaplin versus Chaplin.
Well, wait.
No, you're the one
who filed,
citing irreconcilable differences.
Oh, we're
different all right.
I'm nothing
like you, not anymore.
What do you want me to do?
How about wake up?
While you sit
around complaining
that nothing exciting
ever happens in your life,
all the good parts
are passing you by.
I get that now.
I realize... what you need
to realize
is that it's not about
being someone else.
It's about being the best
you that you can be.
She has a point.
I've tried,
and it gets me nowhere.
That's because you always
try to do it by yourself.
God wants to help you, Rich.
He wants to help you do stuff,
and if you don't let him,
he might very well let you fail.
And trust me, as time goes by,
his methods can get
a little extreme.
Are you saying you want
to withdraw your petition
for a divorce?
I'm saying
that happiness is a choice.
It's a conscious decision
you have to make.
Choose to step up
and lead this family
away from
the brink of disaster.
If you need help,
just ask for it.
God will help you.
What's it gonna be?
Ma'am?
Ma'am, you cannot just
walk out on these proceedings.
Mrs. Chaplin!
Fight for us.
Fight for us, Rich.
We can't have a
divorce without a petitioner.
Postponed 30 days.
Next.
I'm so sorry.
I was too late.
Are you saying they're
better off without me?
Why?
My heart came apart.
I just want to go home, Lord.
I promise you that I will,
I will choose to rejoice.
I will choose to see
and appreciate all
of the blessings in my life,
but I can't do it alone, God.
Help me
to go home again.
Please.
Help me be me again.
Help me be me again.
I just want to be me again.
I just want to be me again.
- How come I'm not in the picture?
- Because you haven't wanted to be.
- Did you ever wish you were someone else?
- You have no idea.
Give you a
new heart and spirit.
- God doesn't work this way!
- You mean miracles?
Dad, come back.
I'm saying your
prayers were answered.
Have you lost your mind?
Tony?
It's me, Rich.
Yeah.
Tony, look at me.
What do you see?
I see a stark-raving lunatic.
Thank you, Lord!
I'm me again!
It's the most amazing thing.
I mean, I asked
God for a miracle,
and he blessed me with this
unbelievable experience.
I mean, I, I spent a week
turning into all
these different people,
but all I wanted to do
was just to come back home
and be me again.
A week?
Dude, I just talked
to you a half an hour ago.
You told me
to bring a movie over.
It all happened
in half an hour?
Well, of course, it did.
He's God, right?
I mean, he could do anything.
Today isn't by any chance Christmas, is it?
Now you're pushing it.
Yeah.
You're a good friend, Tony.
I'm glad I could help?
There is one more thing I
need you to do for me, though.
I need you to go
by the restaurant...
Richie?
What is this?
I mean, Rich, I don't,
I don't understand.
What's to understand?
I'm your fella.
We're supposed to drink
honeysuckle tea
and live happily ever after.
Okay, Rich, listen.
You need to stop,
because I can't...
I spent the last few years
thinking that I missed out
on something, that somehow life
would've been better
if I'd chosen another road.
It took a miracle, April,
to show me that there's nobody
that I'd rather be than me,
but not without you.
I was thinking that we were
getting in the way of you,
you know, of you
flying to the moon.
I'm already there.
April, forgive me.
I can't get those years back,
but I promise you
that I will never take you
or the kids for granted again.
I love you.
I love you.
It's a playhouse!
It's totally awesome!
It looks like
our date is over.
It's just beginning.
Daddy's home!
Hey, honey, how are you?
My baby!
I had a dream
you would come home.
You did?
Well, I'm home now.
You want to go in
and check it out?
Go on, check it out.
Go look!
It's totally awesome!
I know!
You, too, darling.
You know you like it.
I, uh, I have to run
out for a little while,
take care of some business.
But I, I just got you back.
I know, but I have to.
I, I think it's
part of the deal.
Will you meet me at Tony's
for lunch a little later?
Absolutely.
Go, go.
Hey, Richie.
Yeah?
I'm glad you're home.
Me, too.
Thank you.
What do you think?
It's awesome!
Can you believe it?
Since when do I have
to open my own door, Carl?
It's not like you can't
use the exercise, Frank.
You're not Carl!
Who in the blazes are you?
I'm your wake-up call.
Get out of my car!
Obviously, you
don't know who I am.
Oh, I know who you are.
You're a ticking bomb.
You drink too much,
you smoke too much,
and you're so cruel
and mean to everyone,
your own heart is eating
itself from the inside.
What do you want?
Who sent you?
You're going to die soon,
Frank, alone and miserable.
You sound like
my cleaning lady,
always talking about my soul.
That woman's insufferable.
Sometimes I wonder if that's
why she still works for me.
Areal smart lady.
Here.
Give us a chance.
Come by and see me
when you're ready to talk,
but act soon.
Believe me when I say that
you don't have much time.
Good morning!
That's right,
call your parents,
and I'll make sure they find out
about the lovely literature
you keep under your bed.
So, I understand you are
in love with my daughter.
Sorry.
Yeah, I love her!
What is this all about?
Oh, maybe one day
you'll get married
and have a daughter of your own.
I guess.
And she'll grow up to pose
in one of those magazines.
No way.
The girls in those magazines
aren't anyone's daughter.
Let me put it
to you this way.
The music you listen to,
the magazines you read,
you can't help but look
at women as things.
You can't be
in love with a thing.
My daughter, Briar,
is not a thing.
It's different for you,
all right?
You're an old guy
and a pastor.
I was you once,
not that long ago.
My daughter is about to do
something foolish to prove
that she loves you.
Prove to her that you love
her, and don't ask her to.
The keys are in the sock.
Daddy?
Yes, honey?
I'm sick of eating here.
You know, I think I am, too.
It is so good to see all
of you here together again.
So, how'd it go,
you know, with the old man?
Perfect.
Just one last
loose end I need to tie up.
Rich, what are you doing?
You people don't know how
to take care of your fish here.
Rich, you can't take my fish.
Come on, guys.
You asked to see us, Pastor?
Oh, yeah. Come on in, guys.
I've been thinking more about
what we talked about last week,
and I just wanted to apologize
for the way that I treated you.
As I remember,
the problem was about money,
the cost of raising a child.
Yeah, that's right.
Kids cost a fortune.
Actually, according
to the government,
the cost of raising a child
from birth to 18 is $160,140.
When you do the math, it comes
out to about $24.24 a day,
a little over a dollar an hour.
You know what?
I think we've heard enough.
No, just, just wait a second.
Let's just see what
a dollar will get you.
I mean, the question is whether
or not it's worth it, right?
For about a buck an hour,
you get to witness a miracle
of modern medicine every time
you heal a scraped knee
with a lollipop and a kiss.
A dollar will earn you
glimpses of God
and giggles
under the covers at night.
You get to be a hero for taking
training wheels off a bike,
getting a Frisbee off the roof,
or just pulling out a splinter.
You get Velcro hugs
and butterfly kisses.
Is it worth it?
I can't answer that for you.
Here, you do the math.
Pastor, thank you.
You're welcome.
I'll see you at service.
I once heard that at
the end of every good story,
the hero must make a speech
to show that he's grown
or learned from his experience.
You know, that's true.
I guess this was mine.
Sometimes we don't understand
the gifts that we receive.
It's so easy to lose
sight of why we're here,
that God wants us to live
and to be happy,
according to his plan.
And when you receive
such a beautiful gift,
you should, in turn,
pass that gift on to others.
So that they might never
lose sight of God's plan.
Was it a miracle,
what happened to me?
Like I said, I'm not sure that
any of this really happened
or if it was just a dream,
but maybe the truth
is whispered to us
through our dreams,
like a message from a friend
that arrives at exactly
the right time,
telling us exactly
the words we need to hear.
It's so easy to get lost
chasing a life
we thought we wanted,
convincing ourselves
that power, fame, or wealth
will make us happy,
that we lose sight of what
is truly important,
and all we need
is a little push to reveal
what we've been missing.
It is the love of our
family, our friends,
and the love of God that
will bring us happiness.
We just need to take
that first step
and reach out for it.
You see, it's okay
to follow a dream,
as long as we don't abandon
those who truly love us.
Mom?
It's me, Chloe.
I missed you too, Mom.
So, you can spend your time
pretending to be
someone you're not,
but it's wasted time,
because God is rooting for you.
He wants you
to come back to him.
He wants you to come home.
So, did you go to the moon yet?
No, I couldn't get
my spaceship to fly.
So, can we
get married now?
What makes you think
we're getting married?
An angel promised
me we would.
What?
I had a dream, and the angel
said that we would get married,
and he promised
that we would be happy,
but he did say I might
have to get rough with you.
The angel said you might
gotta get rough with me?
I think he was an angel.
He said his name
was Earl, Big Earl.
# On this roller-coaster ride #
# Won't you ride with me #
# It's taken me
on the ride of my life #
# No, it's not my emotions #
April, I tried
to give the...
# It's just you and me
for the ride of our lives #
We're not starting
with the fish?
# Take me under the water
Drop me off of the tracks #
# I'm in your care
So I don't care about that #
# The ticket's been paid
by the most expensive thing #
# The smile on my face #
# You know I'd
like to be there #
# It doesn't mean
I'm not stable #
# It doesn't mean that at all #
# I will ride #
# Take me away
from this normal life #
# I ride #
# I will find
a new way of life #
Who are you looking at?
I'm looking off
into the cosmos
from whence I drama...
Stop, stop!
Do your line one more time.
conic masterpiece.
'It's A Wonderful Life"?
I want you to live.
You're smiling.
Why are you laughing? Because you are.
They can't see you,
so I look like the idiot.
We're all
going to be fine.
He's really funny.
Once upon a time,
there was a plane
that just kept flying over.
Dramatic!
Haven't you ever wondered if
there was something out there
that was out there
that was better than us?
Better than me?
Better than us?
Wait, bigger, bigger.
Haven't you ever
wondered if there's more out there?
And what do I say?
More than that.
I knew if I repeat whatever you
say... I knew it wasn't better.
Haven't you ever wondered
if there was something
out there better?
More.
Haven't you ever
wondered if there's more out there?
More than us.
Oh, come on!
Don't be like that!
I could be good
in this picture!
I'm Rich, Rich Kaplan.
Chaplin, Rich Chaplin.
I'm sorry,
I made him Jewish?
Yeah, you're right.
My bad.
Really my bad on that one.
All right,
let's go back to one.
Della, I am ashamed I was so bad.
Well, that's two of us.
Oh, a bagel.
Big Earl here to remind you
of a program guaranteed
to wash the old...
Big Earl here
with a new program...
Say something other than yeah.
That's the joke.
I'm going to say it
throughout the whole movie.
All right,
then do it better.
Ready, set?
Yeah!
There you go.
So, I guess...
She bit me so hard!
She just bit me so hard.