I have no idea
how to tell this story.
I don't even know
how to start it.
Like, I guess I could use
one of those classic
story beginning sentences.
"It was the best of times;
it was the worst of times."
But what would that even mean?
I mean, obviously,
somewhere in the world,
it's the best of times
for someone.
Like he's eating all this insane
Vietnamese food
he just got for free...
...and the woman
who delivered the food
looks exactly like the hot
girl from Pussy Riot
and now she's situated
in the corner
playing unspeakably beautiful
melodies on the harp.
While he's just going to town
on that food.
So, yeah,
that's the best of times.
Meanwhile, some other guy
is having
his will broken
by professional torturers...
over a crocodile-infested
pool of acid.
And because it's acid,
these crocodiles
are just pissed.
And they're also piping in
that gross smell you get...
...when they spill
a bunch of milk
in the school parking lot.
And this beefy torture dude
is just punching
the hell out of him.
Check.
All right, look.
I'll just start.
This is the story of
my senior year of high school
and how it destroyed my life.
And how I made a film so bad,
it literally killed someone.
I used to think about it
this way:
Schenley High School
was a world unto itself.
By senior year, I had mastered
the languages and customs
of its various sovereign states.
The head nods of Jock Nation.
The fist bumps
of the Kingdom of Stoners.
The innocuous witticisms of
The People's Republic
of Theater Dorks.
Greg, how was your summer?
Summer. What does that word
even mean?
Like, more "summ"?
In a typical high school life,
you belong to one nation...
...which can never
guarantee you total security.
But I thought
I found a way out.
Get citizenship in every nation.
Get passports to everywhere.
Just be on low-key
good terms with everyone...
...casually interact with them
once in a while...
...in a way that is invisible
to everyone else.
Never commit to an interaction
that won't be casual or mellow.
Your test was today?
Ugh. Tests!
I've been there.
That's like sending troops
to Afghanistan.
Maintain relationships
with citizens
of the most
dicked-upon nations.
For example, Scott Mayhew,
the gothy dork
I'm sitting next to here.
Scott, nice Berserker.
Thank you?
It took years of cultivation
to win his trust.
Or the universally
ostracized Ill Phil.
Truly a nation of one.
And there were some
places I simply couldn't go.
Like the cafeteria.
Every last square inch of it
was disputed territory.
It was Crimea, Kashmir,
and the Gaza Strip
all rolled into one.
Also the part of
the Indian Ocean with pirates.
Captain Phillips pirates,
not Pirates of the Caribbean.
Although, actually, who knows?
Maybe both.
Instead, I always ate lunch
in the office
of my history teacher.
Mr. McCarthy.
Fact:
I'm in 309 for
the next... 20 minutes.
The only reasonable adult
in all of Schenley.
Heathens.
Respect the research.
With Earl,
whose role in my life
I'm not even gonna try to
explain to you right now.
The harmony of overwhelming
and collective murder.
Hot girls destroy your life.
It doesn't matter if the hot
girl is also a good person.
She's a moose,
you're a chipmunk.
She's just wandering through
the forest, oblivious.
And she doesn't even know that
she stomped on your head.
Hey, Madison.
Hey, how was your summer?
Summer. What does that word
even mean, right?
More "summ."
Winter, same deal.
More "wint"?
McCarthy's in 309.
Great, thanks.
To become humbled
in front of
this overwhelming misery...
...and overwhelming
fornication
and overwhelming lack of order.
Titties.
Honey, can we come in?
Jesus, Jesus!
Yeah. What do you want?
First of all,
I was going through...
...your stuff
and I saw that you
have not even unwrapped
your college directory.
Mom, don't go through my stuff.
We discussed it, and she gets
to go through your stuff.
Just have a look.
It's fun.
It's like a menu
for your future.
What are you in the mood for?
Some Penn State?
Some Pepperdine?
Pomona? Princeton?
I'm not getting into Princeton.
He's not getting into Princeton.
Um, so, is that it?
No, honey, it's not it.
Your father and I want to talk to you
about something kind of sad.
What?
What happened?
Well, I just got off the phone
with Denise Kushner,
Rachel's mom. You know Denise?
Um, not really.
You're friends
with Rachel, though.
Yeah, I mean,
we're like, acquainted.
Come here.
Okay.
Rachel's been diagnosed
with leukemia.
They just found out.
Your test was today?
Ugh. Tests! I've been there.
Oh, God.
Is that serious?
They're doing
all kinds of tests.
They're doing
everything they can.
They just don't know.
Man, that sucks.
You're right.
It sucks.
It sucks really bad.
It sucks quite a bit.
Yeah.
Dad, Cat Stevens is clawing me.
Well, he's deeply distraught.
Well, you know,
I was talking to Denise...
...and Denise feels that
you might be someone...
...who could make
Rachel feel better.
Yeah, but like I said,
we're not really friends, so...
Just give Rachel a call.
Yeah, well, what do you
want me to say?
"Hey, it's Greg, the guy who's
"never really paid
attention to you...
"...but now you have cancer,
so let's hang out"?
That's not gonna work.
She'll think
you're being sarcastic.
Are you telling me
you can't do
one nice thing
for another person?
I mean, honestly, is that
really what's happening here?
Fine. Okay.
Just, please don't
go through my stuff.
Or I'll start going through
your stuff.
I hope you like tampons.
It's
Central Pittsburgh on 90.5...
This is Rachel.
Hey, it's Greg Gaines.
Hi.
Yo!
So, I called a doctor...
...he said you needed
a prescription of Greg-acil.
What's that?
Uh...
It's me.
In convenient gel-tab form.
Oh.
Yeah.
So, I guess
you heard I'm sick.
Yeah.
Did my mom tell you?
Um, well, my mom told me.
Oh.
So, um...
What?
What?
What were you gonna say?
Um...
Greg, what?
Uh, yeah,
I was just calling to see
if you wanted to hang out.
Right now?
Um, sure.
No, thanks.
Oh.
Okay, so you don't
wanna hang out?
No. Thanks anyways.
Okay. Um, bye.
Bye.
Mom, what are you doing?
Okay, Mom, listen,
she doesn't want to see me.
I'm sorry to be the one
to tell you, Gregory...
...that you do not
have a choice
in this particular matter.
Mom, please, let me say
one thing for one second.
You have been
given an opportunity
to make a very real difference
in someone's life.
And if what you're
choosing instead
is to lie around the house
all day...
She doesn't want to see me!
...I will be required
to step in...
We're not even friends!
...and inform you that
that is 100% unacceptable.
Your nonstop stream of
words is making me freak out!
And if you think that all
these excuses you're making
are in any way better...
...or more important,
than the happiness
of a girl with cancer...
Mom! I am now entering
a subhuman state.
...a friend with cancer,
you are sadly mistaken,
my friend.
You are going to pick up
that phone.
You're going to
call Rachel again.
You are going to.
You are going to.
Oh, Greg.
Oh, Mrs. Kushner.
Denise, Greg.
To you, I'm Denise, okay?
Oh, okay. Good.
You're a real good kid,
you know that?
You really are.
You just have a big heart.
You're kind, nice.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Good, good, good, good, good...
...good boy.
Okay.
You really are kind,
big-hearted, delicious...
...yummy, yummy, young boy.
And you're so, so, handsome.
Oh, I'm not handsome,
but thank you.
And so modest.
I guess I'm a modest mouse.
Greg, where do you come up
with this stuff?
Well, that's the name
of a band, actually.
Oh.
Yeah.
Rachel!
I've got a modest little mouse
here to see you!
Rachel.
Greg, what are you doing here?
So, uh...
...the doctor
really recommends
a strong dosage of Gregitor.
You already used that joke.
No.
No, 'cause last time
it was about Greg-acil...
...which if you recall comes
in convenient gel-tab form.
Look, I don't want you
hanging out with me.
I don't need your stupid pity.
It's fine, you can just go.
No, no.
You got it all wrong. I'm not
here 'cause I pity you.
I'm actually here
because my mom is making me.
That's actually worse.
Yeah, I know.
Look, it's okay. Honestly,
I'm fine. Just... just go.
Okay, Rachel, just listen
to me for a second.
My mom is gonna turn my life
into a living hell...
...if I don't hang out
with you.
I can't overstate how annoying
she's being about this.
She's basically like
the LeBron James of nagging.
LeBron James plays basketball.
I know who LeBron James is.
Look, I know I'm not doing you
any favors here.
What I'm asking is for you
to do me a favor.
You want a favor from me?
Yes.
Just let me hang out
with you for one day.
I could tell
my mom we hung out
and then we'll just be
out of each other's lives.
Deal?
Deal.
Word.
Is that a Black Power salute?
No, I was going in
for a fist bump.
I can't fist bump you
from up here.
Yeah, I realize that.
Books.
Nice.
And, uh...
...tree wallpaper.
That's good.
Why?
I don't know.
There's a lot of pillows
in here.
Mmm-hmm.
Seriously, like, how many...
how many pillows is that?
I don't know.
I wish I had
that many pillows.
So, ask your parents for some.
No, they'd be suspicious
or something.
What, that you'd sleep
all the time?
No. Probably assume
I was gonna masturbate
all over them.
They just have
some gross ideas about me.
But that's on them.
They're always getting
sexy pillows.
This is a nice pillow.
This pillow is a dude,
obviously...
...but it reminds me
of this pillow
we used to have
named Francesca.
They have a similar coloring.
Anyway, Francesca,
we had to eventually
give away because in the end...
...that whole situation
was just a real problem.
It was a mess.
There was a real chemistry
between us both that
I think no one could deny.
I know the world may have
thought it was wrong...
...but I think, personally,
the world was wrong...
...about what
could be between...
...a pillow, and a boy...
...who became a man.
Or whatever. I'm just...
...trying to be funny.
No, that was good. Thank you.
Oh, shit.
I actually have to go.
That's okay. Who was that?
Sorry. Uh, that was Earl.
Oh, who's Earl?
You may remember Earl
from 15 minutes ago.
Titties.
So, some people think
Earl is my friend,
but he's really not.
He's more like a coworker.
I've known him
since kindergarten.
His house is
a short walk from mine,
but in a much
tougher neighborhood.
His dad is in Texas, his mom
is a depressed shut-in.
And his brother
Derrick's dog Doopie
will definitely eat me someday.
Doopie, Doopie, chill!
So over the years we've
mostly hung out at my place.
Usually with my dad,
a tenured sociology professor.
What you got, cat?
You wanna fight?
Didn't think so, punk-ass cat.
- Boys!
- His job allows him
to be frequently at home
doing nothing.
You'll want to pay
close attention to this.
The insane conquistador,
Aguirre,
is raging through the jungle...
...in search of a golden city
that doesn't exist.
The wrath of God.
It's a classic
of foreign cinema.
Who else is with me?
In addition to the best films...
This is cuttlefish.
...my house also has
the weirdest food.
A sea creature
much like a squid.
It is a favorite East Asian
snack food.
Obviously we come from
pretty different backgrounds.
But somehow, we like
most of the same things.
Yes, its smell is
odd and repellent
to our Western noses.
And we learned pretty early on
that we were the only ones
who liked...
...for example,
classics of foreign cinema.
Why did we like them?
It's hard to say.
Maybe it's that they were
weird and often violent,
like us.
Or confusing and possibly
meaningless, like life.
You can't escape of
this stinkin' camp
because you never know
when they call you.
Because you're paid for,
you're under contract.
Anyway,
we liked them so much
we started making our own.
Action!
The idea behind
each one was...
...we took a film
that we liked
and made the title stupider.
And then made a new film
to reflect
the new stupid title.
It's a formula that only
produces horrible films...
...but for some reason
we keep using it.
We've made 42 films.
You'd think we'd have stopped
making them by now.
But we haven't.
Honestly, it's like
you can't go anywhere.
You can't escape this
stinking place...
...because you don't know
when they call you...
and you're paid to be here,
it's bullshit.
Yeah, and it's like, you know,
I can't do anything.
I'm not a free person.
Truly, one of my favorites
from your oeuvre.
A mature investigation
into the nature of violence.
Dad, for like
the billionth time,
you're not allowed
to watch these.
I'm a fan.
You gonna go see
that girl again?
I mean, probably, yeah.
You gonna play
with them titties?
No. It's not like that.
Well, that's not right.
I mean, this could be
her last chance on Earth
to be with a man.
Don't make this about you.
Earl!
First of all,
if it's that high-stakes,
probably won't even be able
to get a boner.
Did I even say shit
about boners?
No.
What kind of cancer even is
acute myelogenous leukemia?
You know, cancer of the, uh...
...the thing.
It's bullshit!
The Battle of Antietam was
the bloodiest day
in American history.
Class, what do you have to
say for yourselves?
Respect the research.
That is what
I'm talking about!
All right, run for your lives.
Save yourselves.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Good work today, everybody.
Way to go. Bam.
Love it. Good stuff.
Good job.
Excellent work today.
Excellent. Nice job.
Hey, can I talk to you?
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure, Greg, what's up?
Uh, do you know
any facts about leukemia?
Leukemia?
Yeah, it's a cancer of the
blood and/or bone marrow.
Why?
Right, so it's pretty
spread out in the body?
That is a fact, yes.
How soon do
people die from it?
I think it's often
pretty treatable, bud.
Why do you ask?
Well, you know Rachel Kushner
has leukemia, right?
Wait, Rachel has what?
I'm, like,
innovatively stupid.
Everyone was gonna find out
sooner or later.
Just hate having to share
everything about myself.
I'm the exact same way.
You know, one thing you can do
if you don't want to
talk to anyone...
...is just enter
a subhuman state.
Here, pretend you're
someone annoying.
"Hi, Rachel.
"I'm really sorry
you have cancer."
Does that ever work?
Yeah, of course.
It works all the time.
It's called passive resistance.
You know, that's what Gandhi
was all about.
I'm pretty sure Gandhi
never did the subhuman thing.
That's how India achieved
statehood. Here, try it.
Nope.
Come on, it's easy.
Okay. Or another thing
you can do is just
flat-out pretend to be dead.
Say something annoying to me.
Um...
"Hey, Rachel. I just want you
to remember
"that your cancer
is all part of God's plan."
Hey, asshole.
Yeah, over here.
Just so we're straight on this,
you're advising
a girl with cancer...
...to pretend to be dead.
No, seriously.
Think about what you're
doing here, dickhead.
I've been doing
my broody Wolverine face on
this girl's wall...
...for five
and a quarter years,
and at this point, I'm
probably only still here...
...because she'd feel
weirdly guilty
or disloyal taking me down.
But I'm goddamned
if I'm letting
a little punk like you
waltz in here...
...stupiding up the place!
Not on my watch, pal.
Greg, what's wrong?
I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have told you
to pretend to be dead.
That was really insensitive.
I mean, I'm sick.
I'm not dying.
Yeah, I know, but I just...
Now I'm being
all weird about it.
And I can't get un-weird,
'cause I just...
Despite what you said,
I'm clearly still sitting here
thinking...
..."death, death, death,
death, death, death."
That's exactly
what I'm talking about!
So if this was
a touching romantic story...
...this is probably
where a new feeling
would wash over me...
and suddenly we would be
furiously making out...
...with the fire
of a thousand suns.
But this isn't
a touching romantic story.
Anyway...
Yep.
But we did still become friends.
Daniel Craig's thing is,
he's got an accent, right?
So he's used to talking with
his mouth in a weird shape...
...which is why he has
pouty lips, like a woman.
Lickable technology, like,
I could text you a sandwich.
There's a button on the nape
of his neck, under the skin.
Just push it
if you want him to stop.
Do you believe animals
just live in our house,
and everyone's cool with it?
Like, real animals?
Anyway. You talk now.
You mean, talk about cancer?
Only if you want to.
The hardest part is
watching my mom
trying to deal with it all.
And sometimes, I mean,
I do think if it ends up
that she's alone
in that house...
She has no one. She and my dad
hate each other.
She has no siblings.
I don't know what she'd do.
Don't cry.
I'm not crying.
Right, well, you know,
you can cry if you need to.
I thought you said,
"Don't cry."
Me and my dad used to
walk around the block
and count squirrels.
Why? Did he work for, like,
the squirrel census?
No, it was just
something we did
when it was time for us
to spend time together.
We didn't even say anything
while we did it.
All we'd say was stuff like:
"Squirrel, seven."
"Two squirrels, nine."
Jesus. You need to apply
for a dad refund immediately.
What group am I in?
What?
Yesterday you were
saying you'd mapped out
the entire high school by group.
What's my group?
Seriously?
Yeah.
Boring Jewish Senior Girls,
Subgroup 2-A.
Please appreciate
how honest I was just now.
You're an asshole.
What group are you in?
Uh, I'm not
in a group, actually.
I just wouldn't belong to
a group that doesn't suck.
You know,
I'm terminally awkward
and I have a face
like a little groundhog.
So...
You can't really think that.
No, I don't think that.
I know that.
I just feel like, you know,
for a kid like me...
...in high school,
best case scenario,
just... survive. You know?
Survive without creating
any mortal enemies...
...or hideously embarrassing
yourself forever.
Just survive until college?
College? No. God, college is
going to be even worse.
What?
I mean, at least high school,
it's over at 3:00...
...and it's kids
I mostly know by now.
But college is just gonna be
non-stop strangers.
And some of them
even live in your room.
It's like you can
literally never relax.
I see myself dying of
a panic attack two weeks in.
I might just not apply.
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard you say.
It's probably
not even top five.
And, you know,
high school, college,
we're forced to spend
these years of our lives...
...in randomly selected
groups of people
that we have nothing
in common with.
It's a nightmare.
Anyone who says otherwise
is lying.
Congratulations, Greg.
Tomorrow,
you're eating lunch with
Boring Jewish Senior Girls,
Subgroup 2-A.
So where do you usually sit?
It's literally like we're trying
to have lunch in Kandahar.
Rachel, we just found out the
theme for this year's prom:
"A Knight to Remember."
Knight with a "K."
Medieval prom!
Isn't prom like
six months away?
Hi, guys. This is Greg,
he's gonna be
sitting with us today.
Anybody need any spoons? No?
Hello.
So, Greg, why are you
sitting with us today?
You know, it's lunch.
You gotta eat somewhere.
Can't stand and eat.
You and Rachel seem very
friendly, all of a sudden.
Yeah.
You're only talking to her
because she has cancer.
What?
Greg, you hung out
with Rachel once.
You're befriending her to
feel good about yourself.
No, I'm not.
Who even does that?
You guys mind
if I sit with you?
Of course not.
Sorry, it's a...
It's a pillow.
It's meant to be a baby,
for health class.
You think it's safe here?
A pillow?
Greg, what do you think?
Mmm, I don't know.
Better not get it
too close to me,
otherwise I might just
masturbate onto it.
Ew, Greg,
that's just weird and gross.
Hey, everyone,
check out Scott Mayhew's
Tyrannosaurus walk.
It's a great way to get
from point A to point B.
That was really mean, Greg.
I think he heard you.
And just like that...
...eight years
of carefully-cultivated
invisibility... gone.
Fin.
Your mom made cookies?
Nah, I won them off
of Ill Phil in a game of tonk.
Got tired of whooping
your sorry ass.
Why do they even call it
Scholar Horizons Biology?
Maybe they should call it
Scholar Horizons Tonk.
Or Sometimes Paper Football.
Heathens.
What up?
Hi, Mr. McCarthy.
Wow.
Earl, fact,
that lunch is garbage.
You're literally poisoning
yourself right in front of us.
At least I ain't eating
no funky ass
seaweed-looking tentacle soup.
Seriously, this stuff
is the business.
It's Vietnamese.
It's called Pho.
It is "Pho-nomenal."
Well, let me try
some one time.
Mmm.
Now you want to try some?
Yeah.
Well, no.
It's strictly forbidden for me
to give you food.
However, if you go to...
...Thuyen's Super
Saigon Flavor
over in Lawrenceville...
...and ask for Thuyen.
Tell him to put it on my tab.
You'll be all set.
I ain't going to
no damn Lawrenceville.
Fair enough.
You'll have to excuse me.
Boys.
Respect the research.
Respect!
God! You know,
people just assume that
Rachel and I are dating.
It's ruining my life.
Today I threatened to
sexually assault a fake baby.
And I became mortal enemies
with Scott Mayhew.
Both of which
are Rachel's fault.
Sorry, but they just are.
Of course I'm a dick
for complaining about it.
I mean, I am a dick
for complaining about it.
I didn't actually mean
any of that.
Better play with them titties.
Does this taste strange to you?
The soup had drugs.
Whoa!
McCarthy must've
put weed in that soup
because my brain
is trying to eat itself.
Oh, my God.
I have to go visit
Rachel right now.
Okay, well, you do that.
I'ma be at your house
eatin' up all your dad's food.
No! You have to
come help!
Help with what?
Help!
Hey, in class,
do McCarthy act all, like,
stoned and shit?
Uh, I don't know.
I guess.
Yeah, sometimes.
Well, not sometimes,
but you know what I'm...
You know how he is.
Goddamn, son.
You can't even put a full damn
sentence together.
It's insane that Mr. McCarthy
eats soup with drugs in it.
Hey, come on, man,
keep your damn voice down.
We can't tell anyone
we're on drugs.
Why the hell not?
Because then they'll know.
It's my humble little mouse.
And who is
his little mouse friend?
Earl Jackson.
Earl's just my coworker,
and, uh, he's a great guy.
We were just walking around
the neighborhood, you know.
Not really doing anything,
and just wanted
to come say "What's up?"
'Cause Rachel's
about to lose her hair.
Mmm.
So, just wanted to say,
you know,
"Bye, hair. Good riddance."
She's gonna look great without
hair. That's a fact, so...
Yeah, I just wanted to say
what's up.
Rachel! We've got
two cute little mouse boys
on our doorstep
that wanna say hi!
Would you two... mice
like a little bit of cheese?
Okay.
I like your room, Rachel.
Thanks. Greg thinks
it's too girly.
No, I love girly,
I think it's fine.
Well,
it ain't too girly.
"Yo, this some
pink puffy bullshit."
I mean, Hello Kitty posters
and chocolate and naked dudes
all over the wall.
They make me want to
throw up for real.
Hey, if you're gonna throw up,
don't do it in here, okay?
This is her room.
Anyways.
Rachel, we really just wanted
to see how you was doin'.
Thanks.
Yeah, chemotherapy.
That really sucks.
Greg.
What the hell, bro?
Don't say it suck, dumb-ass!
It does kinda suck.
Yeah, but I mean, you gotta do
what you gotta do.
Yeah, I guess.
Um...
Uh...
Look, you guys can go
if you want.
We're on drugs.
Oh, shit!
Why are you on drugs?
Well, we're accidentally
on drugs.
"Accidentally"?
McCarthy gave us some soup.
Well, McCarthy gave us
some of his,
you know, just regular,
normal soup...
...but then, it was
the last of the soup
so we had to
go get some more...
...from a restaurant,
on the fifth floor
of an office building.
And in the same building,
there was a Jamaican embassy...
...and we ended up
getting trapped
in an elevator
with a Rastafarian guy...
...and he just hotboxed
the whole elevator, so...
We were stuck in there
for, like, 25 minutes...
...and we had to breathe
the weird marijuana air.
Earl, am I right?
That's exactly what happened.
You guys had
quite an adventure.
Being on drugs
just really sucks.
Being around people
on drugs sucks.
This whole situation, really
sorry, just sucks. I'm sorry.
Yo, yo. What the hell
is your problem, man?
All apologetic and shit,
making shit
'bout your sorry ass.
Look, that's not what we came
here to do. Okay?
You wanna help,
you gonna take this girl out
to get some ice cream.
And me, too,
'cause I love that shit.
You like ice cream?
Yeah.
So, you know
Greg from class?
I've known Greg
ever since we were little.
You know, I was in
y'all kindergarten, right?
Really?
Mmm-hmm. I remember you.
You was the girl who called
Justin Jones perverted...
...for showing girls
the birthmark on his butt.
Oh, my God, yes!
Yeah, dude came running up,
showed you his butt.
You were calm.
Said, "Justin, only perverts
show their butts."
I was right there.
I can't believe
you remember that.
You a hero. Shut his
perverted ass right down.
I never forget it.
So you and Greg are coworkers?
Naw, we friends.
He just hates calling people
his friend. Dude's got issues.
Yeah, he does.
What's going on?
Man, I don't even know.
It might be his folks.
I mean, dude's mom
always tellin' him
how handsome he is,
which he ain't.
So now he think he can't trust
anybody close to him.
Dude's weird-ass dad
don't socialize with anybody
'cept the cat.
So that's a role model
ain't got no friends.
Bottom line, dude's terrified
of callin' somebody
his friend...
...and they sayin', "Hey, bro,
I'm not your friend."
Then he'd have to kill himself.
But how are you coworkers?
We, um, we make films.
Movies?
Yeah. We been making them
for a few years now.
We have, like, 42 in total.
Greg! You never told me.
Well, we never told
anybody 'bout them.
They suck.
I mean, they're terrible.
I'm pretty sure they don't suck.
Well, you can see
for yourself if you want.
Are you sure?
Hell, yeah,
don't even worry about it.
Just don't tell nobody.
No, of course,
I won't.
All right, son,
get on your feet.
Sounds good.
Where are we going?
We can walk you home.
He needs to recover,
and you probably
should look after him.
Peace, peace.
Thanks.
Bye.
Goddamn it, Earl.
Son, don't even start.
Pig's foot.
So, we're pretty far
into this stupid story now...
...and you're probably
saying to yourself,
"Hey. I like this girl Rachel.
"And I'm gonna be pissed
if she dies at the end."
don't freak out. She survives.
So, hopefully,
that reassures you.
Although, actually,
why would it?
I'm just overwhelmed
with your enthusiasm today.
I guess we're just gonna have
to do it
the old-fashioned way.
I'm thinking of one of you.
I'm not gonna mention
any names,
but your initials...
...are Scott Mayhew.
Greg's been telling everyone
your soup has marijuana in it.
I didn't tell anyone.
I heard you bellowing about it
on public transit.
Is that a fact, Greg?
Look, yesterday,
Earl and I got stoned somehow.
And it was after
we both ate your soup.
And we didn't smoke
any marijuana,
which I have never done, so...
Your soup
must have drugs in it,
'cause that was the only thing
we both ate...
...other than some cookies
we got from Ill Phil,
the drug dealer.
Aha.
Man, how did you not know
it was the cookies?
Man, it was your dumb ass
yelling that shit on the bus.
Yo, Greg!
Did you snitch on me?
He did snitch on you!
I was there.
I heard you ridiculing me
in front of
your loathsome harem.
You have made...
a mortal enemy.
And I will never stop
hounding you.
Yeah, you made two mortal
enemies. I stabbed a dude.
Jesus.
So they haven't really
done anything.
It's been about a month now.
They did say they're never
gonna stop hounding me...
...so, sooner or later...
you know...
...gonna get hounded.
Sorry, next time
I'll bring you some flowers.
Though I don't even know
where I'd put them.
It's like, like the only place
left is the barf bucket.
Flowers.
Where you barf.
I like that hat.
It's pretty cute.
Look, I've never been
very beautiful...
...and that's fine because
that's not important to me.
But...
I thought it'd be
easier looking like this.
It's just not.
Everyone comes in here
and sees me...
...and they're
so clearly repulsed.
It's so much harder
than I thought it would be.
Hey, come on.
You look good.
I'm ugly, Greg! I'm so ugly.
Everyone feels like they have
to lie to me and no one
realizes how insulting that is.
Everyone thinks they're
helping, and they're not.
Here.
That one's called Mono Rash.
It's based on Rashomon
by Kurosawa.
Plot's basically
just Earl killing people
'cause he has a rash...
...from mono,
you know, the STD.
Anyway, we're supposed
to go work on
our homage to Apocalypse Now.
Ours is called
A Box O' Lips, Wow,
which is even worse
than Mono Rash.
It's a war movie
where these two guys
take part in the unspeakable
brutality of war...
...and then they find
a box of tulips.
Box O' Lips, yeah.
And they're just, "Wow."
They can't get over
how great these tulips are,
it's like,
"A box o' lips, wow!"
The worst part is,
tulips might not
even be in the budget anymore.
I should actually
just stay here
and keep you
from watching that.
No! I'm fine. Go make it.
Okay.
Okay. Have fun watching
this incredibly terrible movie.
Mmm. Have fun
making the next one.
Mmm-hmm.
Hey, white boy!
Why don't you make me a tulip
'fore I have Doopie come down
there and eat your face?
But no, for real.
Can you make me a tulip?
Oh, my God!
Am I on set right now?
Oh, damn!
Oh, my God!
Ahh! I can't take it!
Action! Cut!
Madison, why are you here?
Rachel said that
I could find you here...
...and your phone was going
straight to voice mail.
Probably 'cause there ain't
no good service down there!
But I had to get here
'cause I had to let you know.
So, I was visiting Rachel,
and I was giving her a card...
...and she was watching
one of your secret movies.
Oh, my God.
Wait, did you see any of it?
No! No, she turned it
off immediately.
It was good, it was good.
You know,
you're both Japanese, and...
...Earl beheaded you,
and, but then,
she, like, turned it off.
But I had a brainstorm. Okay?
I had an amazing brainstorm.
I realized... you need to
make a film for Rachel.
What do you think?
It would be like her favorite
thing in the entire world...
...and it's like the most
important thing you could do.
You have to do it.
Yeah, word.
"Word"? Like, word,
you'll do it, word?
Yep.
Oh, my God, awesome!
Okay, well,
I can't wait to see it.
Um, okay, I gotta go, but...
Cut!
That's a wrap!
Rolling!
Titties.
Goddamn it!
In the next few weeks,
did I start
making that movie? No.
Because I didn't agree
to make that movie.
All I said was, "Word."
"Word" could mean anything.
Plus, we had at least
a month or two...
all the terrible films
we'd already made.
For example,
A Sockwork Orange.
"Droogle"?
It's Google for droogs.
What's that?
Nothing, just the bane
of my existence.
Which my mom is forcing me
to carry around
until I apply
to some colleges.
She says it's like a menu
for my future,
and I was, like, "Sure.
"A menu that only has food
"that will humiliate me
for four years."
You have to be less
of an idiot about college.
Listen, even if you think
people won't like you...
...which is literally
an insane thing to think...
...you're way less exposed
to people in college.
High school is 40 hours
of class a week.
College is, like, 15 and 20.
And if you don't want to
live with other people,
then go to Pittsburgh State.
Live at home.
It's better than
sitting college out
because you irrationally
hate yourself.
Not irrationally, though.
Apply to Pittsburgh State.
Right now. Apply early.
Come on. Do it in front of me.
Apply to Pittsburgh State.
What if I say no?
I have stage four cancer.
So that would be a pretty
dick move. Come on.
Fine.
"Why I want to
go... to college."
By Werner Herzog.
The highly selective
admissions process...
...weeds out the cruel
and the stupid.
So college is unlike
the senseless chaos...
...and sickening enormity
of high school.
High school is the mouth
of a great demon...
...biting and chewing
and smushing people in the face.
It is simply overwhelming.
In all seriousness,
I am looking forward
to college...
...because I didn't really
fit in in high school,
because of my weird
rodent face...
No.
...and a habit of saying
the dumbest possible shit.
No!
The sheer pastiness
of my complexion...
...overwhelms all who behold
it with existential nausea.
"In high school, I never
truly felt comfortable...
"...in my own skin.
"In fact,
I've always been someone...
"...who doesn't
really like themselves.
"But I think that's because I
have some growing up to do...
"...and college is the place
where I'm going to do it."
That's way too personal.
Fine, if you want to
see this again...
Okay! Okay!
But only because cancer.
And you know what? You have to
do this too now. Here.
Page through this huge,
horrible book
and find some colleges.
That's yours now.
Mmm. It's like a menu
for your future.
Can I finish my movie first?
So,
if we make this film,
people are gonna be, like:
"Oh, Greg and Earl,
"they're those weird filmmakers.
"They're always
creepily filming stuff.
"They'll probably sneak into
your house one night
"and film you
while you're sleeping."
But people probably
already think that,
So now, I've become
completely conspicuous,
like all the time.
People look at me and think,
"Filmmaker."
The hell even is this?
When they're not
already thinking,
"Cancer girl's boyfriend."
It tastes like a dog's
funky-ass butthole.
Furthermore,
we agreed to do a film
that we have no idea
what it should look like...
...or sound like, or even be.
I mean,
what the hell sort of film
should we even make? Huh?
I mean, what was I thinking?
You were thinking
that girl Madison
had nice titties.
I mean,
I like the titties too,
but now you got a problem.
'Cause I ain't agreed
to do this shit.
You did.
Are you not gonna
help me make this?
The hell we gonna make, son?
They want fresh inspiration.
I must tell you,
the richest inspiration
I have ever known was...
...during my period of
quarantine in the Amazon.
Where I
and a half dozen other...
...unfortunates
had nothing to watch...
...but the bristling,
leviathan tarantula...
...bunched up on
the rotting, flimsy thatch...
...perhaps eight feet
above our faces.
Spiders the size of your fist.
Their fangs glistening
with venom and...
...their thousand-fold
black eyes
shining dully in the gloom.
In the darkness,
you would hear
the sudden anguished hiss...
...of a spider being struck
by an adult leopard wasp...
...and in their
mortal struggle,
they would plummet
to one's bed...
...biting and stinging
and thrashing...
You know that you can
smoke a hornet?
Okay, so just look at me
when you answer the questions.
Don't worry
about the camera, all right?
Okay, Denise.
Tell me a little
about Rachel's birth.
Uh, Rachel's birth.
What an ordeal that was.
Greg, just...
let me tell you one thing.
I was a really good mom
to her, you know?
I really was.
Some single moms,
their kids grow up too fast...
...but I always tried to
protect Rachel from that.
I did my very best
to protect her from...
...growing up too quickly,
you know?
Right.
And now,
I'm learning that there are...
protect your kid from,
you know?
No matter what you do,
you just...
So, did she have
any favorite toys?
Before I answer that question,
this is serious...
...so use your ears
and listen to me.
I want you
to promise me something
as I care about you.
You gotta promise me you're
not gonna have a baby...
...unless you're ready to love
that baby's mother
your whole life...
...and this is serious.
I'm telling you something
that nobody's gonna tell you.
Don't pick a girl
who's push-pull, you know?
You wanna pick somebody
who's gonna love you...
...and not forget you,
and not...
...leave you for someone
with a big, fat ass.
So, no favorite toy.
Um...
Oh, you want to know what?
Here's a favorite toy.
Scissors.
When Rachel's father
first left...
...she gathered up
all his books,
...and she rounded 'em up
and she cut them right up.
Please, don't tell her
I'm telling you,
she would chop my head off.
But she just...
And I was, like, "Atta girl."
Snip, snip, snip.
She was very mad.
Can we take a little break
and have a little taste?
You boys are old enough
to have a little taste, right?
Can we take a teeny break,
just have a little taste?
Oh, yeah, that's a good boy.
Greg, will you join us?
Oh, I'm okay.
Oh, come on,
don't be a party pooper!
Now we can get back
to our interview.
So, basically,
this whole setup
is so that, you know...
...I can talk to you,
you can talk to me...
...and I can see you,
and you can see me.
Except it's not really me,
it's a phone.
And I know that
sounds kind of weird,
but it's not.
So, anyway, just treat it
like a get-well card,
you can look into the lens.
And, uh...
Yeah, it's a video,
so you know...
...don't think about it
too hard,
but just make it good.
Start whenever you're ready.
Hi, Rachel.
I guess I don't really
know you that well...
...but I believe in you.
You can do it.
That's real nice, yo.
It's so sweet
that your boyfriend
is doing this for you.
He must really love you.
Girl, that ain't her boyfriend.
Oh.
I know you're Jewish,
but I just wanted you to know
that God has a plan for you.
You seem like
a really cool person.
I know we don't really talk.
But you've got
a lot of friends. And, uh...
Out of all the people
in this school,
I don't hate you.
I believe in you
and you can do it.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
You can do it.
Damn.
So again,
if this was a touching,
romantic story...
...we'd obviously fall in love
and she'd say all the wise,
beautiful things...
in life's twilight or whatever.
And then she'd die in my arms.
But again,
that's not what happened.
She just got quieter.
And unhappier.
So, how are you?
For real.
For real?
Feeling like
you might have been right.
Right when?
Back in October.
When you thought I was dying.
Well, I mean,
I regret thinking that.
Don't regret it.
What is that noise?
It's Regretful Polar Bear.
Polar Bears have
the purest expression
of regret in the animal kingdom.
Just listen to how haunting
and plaintive they sound.
Don't make me laugh.
Please. It kinda hurts.
All right.
Kind of a monster
silence in here.
Yeah.
It's okay to just be silent
for a while.
Look,
I know you're really
bracing for this sweet girl...
...that you probably
like a lot to die.
Just please bear with me.
She doesn't. She gets better.
I promise.
Pretty much all I remember
from that winter...
...is working on
that stupid film...
that made some kind of sense...
...and knowing the whole time
that I couldn't...
to make the thing
we wanted to make...
...but it wasn't
possible for us.
That was
an entire winter of my life.
I mean, obviously,
I remember visiting Rachel too.
Sometimes she talked,
and sometimes,
she didn't want to.
When she didn't want to,
I talked.
Or we watched movies.
Sometimes, she laughed.
Sometimes, she didn't.
What I don't remember
is doing schoolwork.
I did literally zero
schoolwork during this time.
Not figuratively.
Literally zero schoolwork.
That's actually
sort of hard to do.
So, what's going on at school?
Well, right now,
the whole school looks like a castle...
...'cause everyone's
getting ready
for Medieval Prom.
I guess everyone's trying
to figure out how to, like...
...twerk medievally?
Are you going?
No, of course not.
You should go.
No way!
Have you seen me in a tux?
It's like when they make
a dog wear human clothes.
Have you seen that?
It just makes you
really sad to look at.
Oh, and I don't have
anyone to go with.
So there's that.
Unless...
...you know...
you wanted to...
Greg, I'm not going to prom.
I mean, you totally could.
It could be like a,
s-, awesome statement.
Hey, uh...
When are you guys
finishing your movie?
You don't know we're working
on a movie right now.
You don't have to pretend.
Earl told me you guys
were making a movie for me.
God, yeah...
I guess he probably did.
I was just asking, because...
Goddamn it, Earl! Ugh.
It was just, it was
supposed to be a surprise!
You know? It's taking forever
because we really want
to get it right, and...
I'm probably gonna
stop treatment pretty soon.
What?
It just isn't
doing me any good.
All it's doing
is making me sicker.
Yeah, but it...
I mean, if you stop, then...
Well, we'll just
see what happens.
Well, we know
what's gonna happen, right?
I know who
you can take to prom.
Who?
This sexy pillow here.
Oh, my God, can you just...
Ooh, Greg,
this pillow's name is Francesca.
Don't joke,
I can't deal with that.
She's a filthy Italian woman.
Please, stop!
Don't yell at me.
So, that's it?
Just, to hell with college,
to hell with growing up?
Greg, don't.
Rachel, what the hell
is wrong with you?
This is your life!
Yeah, it is my life.
It's me who has to
lie in bed all day,
with a shaved head...
...getting weaker and uglier,
and more miserable,
with no hope in sight.
I'm the one who
has to suffer through this,
not you, so don't yell at me.
I'm sorry,
but I'm not gonna sit here
and get comfortable
watching you die.
Okay? I'm not.
I'm not gonna do that.
So don't ask me to.
If you can't accept
that I'm going to do
what I want to do
with my life...
...then you're
a terrible friend.
I'm a terrible friend?
Okay.
You know,
I'm not the one giving up.
I'm not ruining
my friend's life
by giving up
on the whole world.
Oh, please, Greg,
you should be overjoyed.
Now you can
go back to your life
of being invisible
and detached...
...and self-hating.
Yeah.
And you can go back
to your life of being dead.
Nice. Really nice.
This is gonna kill your mom.
Have you gotten
comfortable with that?
That doesn't
bother you anymore?
Thinking about your mom?
Get outta here, Greg.
You've done your time.
You don't have to hang around
with the sick girl anymore.
How can you even
say that to me?
Your mom forced you
to hang out with me.
Earl forced you
to show me your movies.
Madison forced you
to make a movie about me.
So, what part of this
did you actually want to do?
Just... Just do something
nice for me for once
and just get out.
Earl!
This is it!
You've gone too far!
You've leaked
the unleakable secret
because you hold nothing sacred.
'Cause you're a dickhead!
The foundation of any
good working partnership
is trust...
...and I can no longer
trust you in any way.
You'll leak anything to anyone.
It's like working
with Julian Assange.
Assangde. Ass-andge.
Damn it!
The hell you want?
Just waiting for Earl.
Awright, awright.
Whassup, boy?
You gonna come in?
So, Rachel told me that
you told her about the, uh...
...about the film
that we're making for her.
You're like Julian Assange, man.
It's like you always do this...
I don't know,
'cause you, like,
wanna be a better friend
than me or something?
I don't know if I can
work with you again
after you sell me out
like a dick!
Oh, okay. Watch out, yo.
Hey, yo,
shut your ass up, man!
Like you care so much about
what other people think,
boy, you go around here...
...kissin' everybody ass,
Look, nobody
gives a shit about you, Greg!
All right? Nobody give a shit!
Whoop his ass!
And then the one girl
who do actually care about you...
...you wanna come
over here and
bitch and whine
about some films, yo? Huh?
Because somebody
actually cares about you?
Like, damn,
I'm so tired of you
treating this girl
like she a burden.
You know,
her life is over after this!
And you want to come over here
bitchin' and whinin' about
some irrelevant bullshit!
Like, yo, you so close to me
knocking your shit loose right now, son!
Go for it!
Yeah, I don't care!
You want me to hit you now?
Yeah, Earl, I want you to!
That's right! Jack that
little dude up there!
See, Greg?
You lucky that was him
and not me out there...
...'cause I'd have been
whooping your ass up and down this street.
It'd have been a ass-whoopin'
fest around here, you dig?
So what's the status
on the 20-pager on Nixon?
Uh, I need another extension.
That might prove difficult...
...seeing how it's the...
...the end of the quarter
and all.
Yeah, I've just been busy.
You know, I heard...
...about Rachel.
How you holding up?
You know...
...not great.
You know, my dad died
when I was 15, Greg.
A couple years
younger than you.
You know, the thing is that,
when I was a kid...
...I really,
I really can only remember
thinking about him as this...
...you know, big,
kind of like asshole guy.
At his wake,
these buddies of his
kept coming up to me...
...and telling me
these stories about him.
And it was like
they were talking about
some complete other guy.
To give you an example.
He knew every single
European pop song
from the 1970s.
He'd memorize these songs,
and he'd do that
so he could go...
...and sing them
to German girls in bars.
He had a go-to,
his number one
go-to song. It was a...
It was a Dutch song.
It was called Ding-a-Dong.
My dad used to sing that
to German girls in bars.
That's a fact.
So what does that mean?
Well, Greg, I think that
it just means that...
...even after somebody dies,
you can...
...you can still
keep learning about them.
You know, their life.
It can keep unfolding
itself to you just as long...
...just as long as
you pay attention to it.
Are you seriously
trying to turn this
into some stupid sappy lesson?
You're a good kid, Greg.
No! Look, I'm going home.
See, I'm cutting class
right in front of you. 'Kay?
I'm not a good kid. I'm not.
Okay.
Earl came by earlier
to drop something off...
...but he turned down
this superb
Andouille rabbit sausage...
...which is quite unlike him.
Is everything all right?
Buddy?
We tried
a lot of different ways
of making a film for you...
...but they were all
too goofy or irrelevant...
...or just not what we wanted.
So, now I'm gonna
talk to you directly.
Um...
All right, I'm gonna be
honest here. Okay?
Sometimes, white girls
are particularly stupid.
I mean, everybody's stupid,
but white girls, you know...
They think
they better than everybody
and self-centered
and pretend they not.
But...
you aren't like that,
you know. Um...
It's just crazy
how patient you've been.
You know, I know if it was me
that had cancer, uh...
...I'd be upset and angry
and trying to beat
everybody's ass half the time.
So I'm just, I'm just amazed
at how patient you've been.
You, you make me feel blessed.
By Michael Powell
and Emeric Pressburger.
I think, ultimately,
what one has to understand
watching this film...
...it's a very special
piece of filmmaking.
Oh.
Are you eating lunch
in here still?
Not if you are.
Well, I'm not eating
lunch in here if you are.
Good,
'cause I like it in here.
So I guess I could just go.
Or you could go.
No, I like
the air-conditioner.
And I like
the comfortable chair.
Yeah, I like those too.
Sounds like your damn problem.
Which showed
one film per week...
...twice a night,
and three times on Saturday.
In a way,
Tales of Hoffmann is...
...the culmination of
Powell-Pressburger's work...
...with what they call
the composed film.
Hey!
Can I talk to you
about the movie?
Um...
Yeah, it's not done yet.
Greg, you guys
have been working on it
for like four months.
Yeah, well...
I don't know,
we tried a bunch of stuff
and it just...
...didn't really work.
It's not that good.
Greg!
Now is not the time for your
"I'm Greg, I suck,
"nothing I do
is any good" thing.
I'm sure what you have
is awesome
and I think she would
really benefit...
...if you just got it done
and gave it to her.
Madison,
she stopped treatment.
She gave up.
She quit.
Well, I guess
that's a really good reason
to just finish
the fucking movie.
And give it to her.
But whatever.
Honey?
What?
Rachel's back
in the hospital, honey.
Wait, is she starting
treatment again?
It's not for treatment, honey.
Oh.
Mom, what?
Well, I thought
we could go and...
To force me
to hang out with her?
Greg, come on.
Don't worry, Mom,
I'm sure you can find
another girl with cancer
after Rachel dies.
Which, by the way...
...she's decided to do.
She's just decided to die...
...so maybe I can decide
not to visit her.
I promise you,
you will regret that...
...if you don't visit her.
You'll regret it
for the rest of your life.
Mom, that's probably true.
But honestly,
I have a shitload of things
to regret right now.
I regret not having a date
for tomorrow's stupid prom.
I regret being too weird
to make friends.
I definitely regret making
all those shitty films
with Earl.
And I assume you saw the email
I got today, from Pitt?
Oh, no? You didn't see it
while you're going though
all my shit? Here.
Have a look.
I'm definitely gonna regret
doing literally
no school work this year!
Oh, my God, Greg.
I know. Admission rescinded,
due to significant change
in my academic record.
Oh, well,
no college next year.
I guess I'll just be home,
which sucks for you...
...because it's gonna be
so hard for you
to go through all my stuff.
Can you just do me a favor
right now, Mom?
Just leave me alone. Okay?
Just let me sit here
and regret stuff.
I'm just gonna think about
all the things
that I've ever done...
...and all the things
I haven't done
and just regret the living shit out of it.
Okay?
All the deadlines
have passed, Victor.
What's he gonna do next year?
He's just gonna
waste the year?
He is grieving, honey.
You have to let him grieve.
But I can't just sit by
and just let him
ruin his life.
The universe does not operate
according to a college deadline!
Can I ask you something?
Nope.
No. It's not what you think.
It's just that
prom is tonight and...
Let me ask you something.
What is this?
What is up
with the arm touching?
Are you just being friendly,
or is this some
calculated maneuver...
...to get me to do
whatever you want?
'Cause you have to understand
what it does
when a beautiful, sexy...
...otherwise
thoughtful girl...
...touches the arm
of a scrawny, pasty
groundhog-faced kid.
It's an act of cruelty.
Are you done?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm done.
I'm done with you.
I'm done
with this stupid film.
All right? I'm done.
Yo! But you ain't
done with me!
I'm back for my revenge
Stab you in the dick
Pardon my French
Really? You're gonna stab me
in the dick? Go ahead.
Stab me in the dick.
Just no rapping.
Okay? All right?
I'll break your eyeball
with a fist I got clenched
Shove your body
under another bench
Stop rapping!
Knock your teeth out
with the fist I got clenched
I can't do this if you're
gonna rap the whole time.
Aw!
Break it up!
Earl!
Break it up! Break it up!
I thought you were
eating lunch
in Mr. McCarthy's office.
Man, I was,
but he all sad talking
about German music and shit.
That's boring as hell, man.
I'm surprised and disappointed
to see you two fighting.
And, Phillip,
I'm surprised and disappointed
to see you
back on school grounds...
...after being expelled!
All right, man.
Please leave the premises.
Back to class.
Let's go!
Maxwell, Ryan, Soledad,
stop gawking and start walking!
Greg!
Yo, babe!
You see me pummel this bitch?
Come on and keep walking
'fore I can whoop
that ass again, man.
Madison, what?
Come to prom with me.
I know the whole
movie situation
was really difficult for you...
...and I kind of feel like
it was my fault.
So I just kind of wanted to
make it up to you
a little bit.
Is this a pity date?
No.
No, it's not a pity date.
Greg, just come
to prom with me.
I think we'd have a good time.
Told you you would get a date.
Yep.
So you're welcome.
For the tux and everything.
Thanks, Mom.
I'm very upset
about this college thing.
But your father and I can wait
till you're ready
to talk about it.
I appreciate that.
Don't forget your corsage.
All right.
My handsome boy...
...going to prom.
Take lots of pictures, okay?
302 Halket Street.
What's that?
I said 302 Halket Street.
Huh?
302 Halket Street.
Halket? Okay.
Okay.
You got it, baby.
So you love this girl?
Uh, no.
I wouldn't go that far.
What?
No. I... No.
Yeah, so you guys
are gonna be getting busy
on my brand new Tuscan leather?
No. I think...
Huh?
No, we're not.
I don't think so.
Nah, I'm just
playing with you.
But I do hope you get some.
It's really gonna depend
on what she wants to do.
If you really love her,
though,
you definitely got a shot.
Because she'll know.
She is fine though?
Huh?
Hey.
I know, I look amazing.
Can I put some flowers on you?
Like that.
Okay.
Before we watch this...
...I'm sorry
it took so long to make.
But the reason is...
...just couldn't figure out
how to get it to not suck.
But... we never really
did figure it out.
It still sucks.
It's not exactly
what I wanted to say to you.
But...
...whatever.
Let's just
watch this first, okay?
Hey, should I get a nurse?
Denise! Denise!
That was the last time
I saw Rachel.
She went into a coma
shortly after that,
and died about 10 hours later.
I know I told you
she doesn't die.
And I'm sorry.
Deep down...
...somehow,
I didn't think she would.
But she did.
Dear Greg,
I heard what happened
with your class work.
And with Pitt State.
So, I wrote them a letter,
trying to convince them
to let you back in.
There's a copy in here,
if you want to read it.
Hopefully, it works,
because that would mean...
...I have powers
from beyond the grave.
But you should probably
send them something too.
Goodbye, Greg.
You're a good friend.
Although if you don't
go to college,
you're also an idiot.
But you already knew that.
Love, Rachel.
I'd also like for you
to take some of my pillows.
They'll want a good home
where they'll be loved.
Not in the way you're thinking,
that's disgusting.
Dear Pittsburgh
State Admissions:
I'm writing
on behalf of someone
who gave me
half a year of his life...
...at the time when I was at
my most difficult to be around.
He has a very
low opinion of himself,
which is why
I think it's necessary...
...that you hear from someone
who sees him
as he actually is:
A limitlessly kind,
sweet, giving,
and genuine person.
No matter how much
he would deny it.
The drop in his academic
performance this year...
...is the consequence
of all the time
...and the time he spent
making things for me...
...and how hard
that was for him.
You can ask him about it...
...but his sort of
over-the-top humility
will probably get in the way.
No one has done more
to make me smile than he has.
And no one ever could.
Rachel's ashes were scattered
in a park behind her house.
Apparently, she ran away
from home once
and tried to live there.
It was this story
her aunt told at the funeral.
She was trying
to become a squirrel.
She thought she could
turn into one
just by being in the forest...
...and wanting it really bad.
I guess maybe that's
what Mr. McCarthy meant...
...about someone's life
continuing to unfold.
It was weird to be
learning something new
about Rachel after she died.
But somehow,
it was reassuring as well.