Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
Welcome to the newest,
the greatest...
the most spectacular
show in entertainment history.
Put your hands together for
the fabulous Feebles Variety Hour!
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles...
We're not average ordinary people.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
Animal acts
and other attractions.
Bring me a pussy
and I show you some action.
I'm a contortionist.
A modernist.
An hippopotamus.
Be sure we guarantee
to amuse you.
Wait to meet the Feebles.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
We're not average ordinary people.
Meet the Feebles,
Meet the Feebles.
And now...
here's...
Harry.
Yipeee! Ha ha!
Hi, folks!
Welcome to the Feebles
Variety Hour.
Oh boy, what a line-up
we've got for you tonight.
But first, give a huge reception
to our very own Venus...
that gorgeous hunk
of hippo-hood, Heidi!
I'm Heidi, hi!
I love you all.
You're as pretty as me,
but I'm the star.
I put on my best,
my talents are huge.
We've got a show...
but it's about to start
to meet the Feebles.
Meet the Feebles.
We're not average
ordinary people.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
All right you fat slag,
move your ass!
How dare you speak to me like that,
you horrible, spiteful little rat!
I've heard better singing from
a mongoose with throat cancer.
I won't stand for this treatment
any longer.
I'm an artiste.
I demand respect.
Artiste, that's a good one.
That's it!
I've had enough!
- I'm going straight to Bletch.
- You do that darling.
What is going on over there?
Heidi, where are you going?
Have you upset her again?
You know what happens
when she gets into a tizz.
The old cow's had it too good
for too long.
Like it or not, Trevor,
she's the star of the show.
There's no Feebles without Heidi.
Come on everybody.
We're going out live
in twelve hours.
Heaven forbid injecting
some urgency into this occasion...
but for God's sake
get a move on!
Have a good rehearsal, Miss Heidi.
Bleeetch!
Oh, shit!
I was just about
to pop my cookies!
Sorry, Heidi, I was just
finishing off some paperwork.
Trevor's been insulting me.
Why, that foul-mouthed little rodent.
I'll give him a good talking to.
If it happens again,
I shan't perform.
There there Heidi,
don't upset yourself.
Do I smell perfume?
You're imagining things
my sweet.
Now you go and rest up.
Big night tonight.
Come to my room later on?
I'll try.
Oh God!
Women!
When are you going to dump
that huckery moll?
Huckery moll she may be,
but she's also our major drawcard.
Show some guts, Bletch!
Get rid of her!
- God, wouldn't like to!
- I'm not waiting around for ever.
Don't worry, honey.
I'm working on it.
Excuse me, please.
I wonder if you can help me.
I've a letter here requesting me
to report to the stage manager.
I'm busy.
Ask somebody else.
Oh, well, no... you see...
Excuse me, sir.
I wonder if you can help.
I've a letter here asking me
to report to the stage manager.
I don't know man.
It's been a hell of a day.
I can feel a migraine coming on.
I need a paracetamol.
Up here!
New boy are you?
Looking for Arthur?
Is he the stage manager?
That's what he calls himself.
You'll never find him.
I'll take you there.
Thank you very much.
I had an audition six months ago
and I've just got the confirmation...
of my acceptance
into the Feeble Chorus.
I tell you what, kiddo.
It's not that crash hot.
They run you ragged
and they pay's lousy.
I'm not worried about the pay.
It's an honour just to get a chance...
to perform in the show.
I've been an admirer
of the Feebles for such a long time.
Yeah?
You'll find it pretty tough
on the wages they dish out.
But if you ever want to earn
a little extra on the side...
I'm always interested
in little stories...
anything spicy
or even smutty.
Hey Arthur!
There's a new boy to see you.
There's more filth here
than in the city sewers.
And I pay good money
for the right info.
Here you go, kid.
Don't hesitate to get in touch.
You must be Robert.
I've been expecting you.
Pleased to meet you sir.
Just call me Arthur.
Here you don't want that, son.
He's a non-good muckraker
from the gutter press.
Got nothing better to do
than make up lies...
and nasty stories about the cast.
Ooh!
That's Miss Heidi.
You'll have heard of her.
I certainly have.
She's my favourite star.
Excuse me, girls.
Can I have your attention
for a minute?
I'd like to introduce you all
to a new member of the chorus.
I'm sure you'll do your best to make
him feel a part of the Feeble family.
Come on, say hello Robert.
Don't be bashful.
Oh, isn't he handsome?
What a lovely set of quills!
That's Lucille.
She's just joined the chorus
as well.
You two should get together
sometime.
Is it true that long quills
are a sign of virility?
Now look what you've done!
You've gone and got him
all embarrassed.
Come on Robert old son.
Uncurl, there's a good boy.
I think he fancies you, Lucy.
Yes, it's true love all right.
See the way he looked at you.
Stop it!
He's just an old hedgehog!
Get up your knees!
Put your head up!
Don't forget to breath!
Funny little sandhopper
basking in the sun...
dancing and a-hopping
having lots of fun.
Bit of sand landed
in that hopper's eye.
Little sandhopper said,
"My oh my"...
I get one leg missing...
one leg missing...
I get one leg missing...
How do I get around?
Shiny shiny fishy
in the ocean blue.
Swam into a sewage pipe,
pooh, pooh, pooh.
Said "I'm in the shit,
better take a dive".
Stuck his head out of the water
and began to jive.
I got one leg missing...
one leg missing...
I got one leg missing...
How do I get around?
All right!
What are you doing here,
pincushion?
I was just watching the chorus.
- You're the new boy, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.
I just started today.
I'm Robert.
You may be Robert to your friends,
but you're fly shit to me.
Piss off!
Yes, sir.
Goddamn prickleback!
I got one leg missing...
I got one leg missing...
I got one leg missing.
How do I get around?
That Lucille's got
a cute tush.
I wouldn't mind giving her
a poke with the old pork sword.
I get one leg missing.
How do I get around?
Trevor, please,
I need it, man.
I need it.
I told you before,
it's coming.
Yeah, but...
I got the shakes something bad.
If I don't get a fix,
I won't be able to perform.
Listen, it'll be here, all right?
Stop bothering me.
I can pay for it.
Thanks froggy.
This'll cover what you owe me.
But that's all I've got!
Well, you'd better find
another fifty bucks before six.
That's all I've got!
Thank you everybody.
You've all mutilated
that number rather nicely.
We'll have another shot at it
at two thirty...
and perhaps put it out
of its misery.
Excuse me, Mr. Bletch.
Sir...
If I could have a minute
of your time.
I've been waiting to see you
all day.
I've got a smashing little routine
I think will go down a treat.
So, you want to join the Feebles?
Oh, rather!
Ok son, I'll give you one minute.
Impress me.
It's one of my own compositions.
It's called:
"Glad to Be a Guppy".
I'm a fishy little fellow
with a scaly sort of skin...
and I frolic in the shadows
when the tide is coming in.
Is something the matter,
Mr. Bletch?
I think I've got a cavity
in a rear molar.
Would you mind
having a look for me?
Oh, Certainly.
It's right at the back.
Oh, it's awful dark in here!
Went down a treat, all right.
Heh, heh!
Hello, Lucille.
You may not remember me.
My name is Robert
and I'd just like to say that...
you're the most pretty girl
I've ever met.
I was wondering if you would like
to go to the movies tomorrow night.
Those flowers are for you!
Maybe I should give her
the flowers first.
Gorblimey!
The poor little blighter's smitten!
Hi, these flowers are for you.
They are white roses.
I hope you like them.
You may not remember me,
but my name is Robert.
I was wondering if you'd like
to go to the movies.
I tried on the lace camisole
and it fitted perfectly.
Hi, my name is...
movies...
I'd like to Robert you with...
Here Rob old son.
Come on in for a cup of tea.
When are we due on the course?
One o'clock sharp.
It's all arranged.
How's your handicap, Barry?
She's at home baking a cake, boss.
Heavens, Heidi!
You haven't been exercising,
have you?
All that excess flab must put
a terrible strain on your heart.
If you're referring to my muscle tone,
it's never been better.
You must have awful trouble
buying clothes.
Still, at your age I suppose
you might as well let your figure go.
How dare you insult me, you,
you cheap pussy?
You shuddering great herbivore!
No wonder Bletch can't stand
the sight of you!
You're lying!
He loves me!
- He detests you!
- That's not true!
You bore him to tears and
you're awful in bed.
It's me he wants.
He can't get enough of me.
Liar!
If you weren't so stupid...
you'd know we've been
having an affair for months.
You liar!
You liar!
Hey, good one!
You showed her!
Right, Robbie.
Now you got everything I told you.
She's in there now,
so you give it your best shot.
Are you sure that this is a good
idea?
She'll love it.
You are my amour, what I adore.
Oh Lucille!
This is the way that I must say
how my heart feels!
Oh, Lucille!
Oh, Lucille!
Oohh, Luc... ciii!
Keep going, keep going!
It's magic!
Under the light
of the Spanish moon...
it's for love that I croon this tune,
Lucille...
Lucille...
Lucille...
I'm terribly sorry.
You must think I'm an idiot.
I should never have done this.
I promise you,
I shan't ever bother you again.
Robert... wait!
How did you know
I love flamenco?
That were beautiful,
just beautiful.
Oh, God!
How did you get in?
Oh, no!
Not the cold cream!
I told you guys before,
stay out of my room!
Stay out!
Flipping heck!
What am I going to do now?
It took me six months
to train that lot.
Not a bad little meat pattie.
Good shot, boss!
Your shot, Cedric!
O thought I told you
to wipe my clubs.
Take that you bastard!
Shit!
I'm on form today!
It's a lovely course.
I'm tempted to join
the club myself.
No chance of that,
I'm afraid, Cedric.
You mean they discriminate
against Scots?
No, we just don't like assholes
in the clubhouse.
Sid, it's really decent of you
to have me in for a lager...
after today's little mishap.
No hard feelings Arthur.
It's just my bad luck.
This sort of thing is
always happening to me.
Did I tell you Sanyd's slapping
a paternity suit on me?
Is that right?
Yeah, she reckons that kid
she dropped is mine.
I'd like to see her prove it, though.
She's slept with half the chorus.
Has he?
She hasn't slept with me.
Oh, no.
I wasn't suggesting anything.
Like you're a mate, Arthur.
I know I can trust you.
Oh, Christ,
here she comes now.
Sidney, the date's been
set down as the 16th.
If you don't appear in court,
it'll be held over until the 21st...
at which time you'll be compelled
to provide a blood sample.
Sandy, why did you bring it here?
It's not mine!
You know it's not!
We'll let the court decide that,
shall we?
It's got your eyes, Sid.
You want a slice of the action
but you're not acting...
You want a slice of the action
but you don't want to pay the price...
You're going to end up in traction
if you don't take my advice.
You want a piece of the pie...
but you don't want
to share with me...
You want a piece of that pie...
but you'll never get
nothing for free.
You better watch what you say...
'cause that ain't my recipe.
I'm hip to your lip...
you'll see...
You're just a low-down snake
with a two-time repartee.
I'm hip to your jive,
but it don't sound hip to me.
Say, who is that dame?
That's Heidi.
Ain't she something?
She's only been here a week
and already she's packing the joint.
With a voice like that
she's going to go places!
You want a hot potato,
but baby you're just too cold.
You want a hot potato
to go with your sausage roll.
Don't look at me baby,
I'm much too hot to hold.
I'm hip to your lip...
you'll see...
Yeah!
Thank you!
From the gentleman
with the red carnation.
So, you're from the East?
I hear they've got some
great swamps out that way.
What's a cute young think like you
doing in the big smoke?
I'm not so young.
In two years I'll be eighteen.
Really?
But you're so well developed...
Vocally, I mean.
My singing teachers said
I've enormous lung power.
I like your style, Heidi.
- Really?
- You've got a lot of class.
But that sometimes ain't enough.
I seen a lot of girls like you
ruined in this town.
You need to make
the right connections...
and that's where I can help.
Are you a producer?
I am to be the best goddam producer
this town has ever seen.
I got the contacts,
I got the capital...
what I need is what you got:
Talent!
Heidi, I want to manage you.
But...
I don't even know who you are!
They call me Bletch!
Bletch!
What a lovely name!
Tell me Heidi...
do those lips kiss as good
as they sing?
Bletch!
Very nice, Mr. Bletch.
Perhaps you'd like to inspect
my range of clubs.
It's good gear,
I can assure you.
O that I have no doubts.
It's good stuff boss.
When can we expect delivery?
Meet Louie in the alleyway
at six.
Sorry.
A touch of the ptomaine.
It must be all this fresh air.
It gives me hay fever.
Bad luck old chap!
What the?
My apologies Cedric!
I had a bone stuck in my throat.
My game, I think.
Shit!
Did I pass the audition,
Mr. Bletch?
Oh, harder Harry, oh!
Oh, yes, yes, oh!
Harry!
All those carrots
make me good in the dark.
But it feels so good!
They don't call it "bunnylingus"
for nothing, sweetheart.
What about me?
Are you going to service me too?
Sure, climb on up and
I'll give you a valve grind.
Hey!
Hold on a moment!
What's going on?
I can't see.
Goddamn pervert!
Who was it, Harry?
Just a little creep
with a bad case of jizm pressure.
How's your jizm pressure,
Harry?
I can feel it coming on.
Oh, boy,
it's going to be a gusher!
Oh, no!
No, no!
No, help!
Take that!
Oh, no!
Take that, you bitch!
I beg you, please now stop it!
Call me "sir", slut!
Ow!
Leave her alone!
Are you all right, madam?
Cut!
Jesus Christ!
You've a nasty habit of sticking
your nose in where it's not wanted.
I'm sorry.
You ruined my take, kid.
I never do two takes!
I didn't know it was a film.
Hurry it up,
I'm freezing!
I'm sorry for interrupting.
I won't disturb you any longer.
We'll skip the whipping.
Let's move on to the blowjob.
Where's the Masked Masochist?
Oh Christ that's all I need!
He's carked!
Didn't you realise
you were sitting on his face?
I felt a bit uncomfortable, but
I thought it was my haemorrhoids.
What the hell, maybe I can sell it
as a snuff movie.
You'll have to find a substitute.
I don't do self abuse.
No sorries, Daisy.
I know just the guy.
What do you know!
It's Dennis on a smelly minge binge.
Oh gosh! I was just looking
for the soap powder.
Sure, Dennis.
Have a whiff of these.
They've got
a real distinctive bouquet.
Dennis,
we've got a little job for you.
Oh my god!
Next!
All right everybody,
from the top!
Music, please!
For Chrissake!
What the hell was wrong
with that?
Who is holding
that red pennant?
Me sir.
And what on earth do you think
you're doing?
I'm patrolling the moat, sir.
Patrolling the moat?
I see.
You were instructed to stay
upstage left.
Italian pennant bearers of
the XVll century were frequently...
known to patrol the rampart
on the lookout for Turkish invaders.
How very elucidating.
I've been reading up on it, sir.
My drama teacher at school
said...
I should always research
a role thoroughly.
Really?
Let me tell you something.
This is a television variety show...
not a homage to Soviet Realism!
I asked for a pennant,
not a pedant!
All right, again!
From the top!
Excuse me!
Stop!
Shit!
Oh, God!
What is it?
It's just I'm having trouble
with my motivation.
I don't understand
why I would remain still...
when the scene itself suggests
vigorous physical action...
danger even.
I suppose you'd like everyone
to stop singing...
while you come forward to do
a little war dance centre stage.
Is that it?
Well, it had crossed my mind!
My god!
Sorry guy, I hate to interrupt,
but I don't think...
the knife thrower's assistant
is going to pull through.
Shall I cancel Winyard's act
entirely?
I think not.
I've got just the substitute.
"Dennis Does Daisy!
Take 1.
Dennis, drop your strides.
Come on, come on,
the camera's rolling.
Oh for Chrissake!
Is that the best you can do?
Trevor do something about this guy!
Come on, get aroused!
I can't.
Well, I'm not doing anything
until he cracks a fat.
What's the matter?
Doesn't she turn you on?
Here you go.
Will these help?
Oh god, not another panty-sniffer!
He's going to want me
to piss in his mouth next.
Ok kid, do your stuff.
Oh yes!
Yes!
Oh, God!
It's terrible!
I feel terrible!
What's happening to me?
What's the matter, Harry?
Not feeling too well?
What?
Who said that?
It's all those last nights.
Maybe you're not getting
enough vitamins.
Care to join me for lunch?
Hmm, carrots!
It's not one of yours, is it Harry?
You are sick!
No, Harry.
I think you are.
Give me the rundown
on your symptoms.
I ain't got nothing,
you shit-eating journo.
You can't suppress the media,
Harry.
Come on, you can tell me,
I'll be very discreet.
I'm as fit as a fiddle.
I feel fantastic.
And I'm sick and tired of your...
Hold it right there!
"I'm tired and I'm sick",
says Harry...
the Hare star of
the Feebles Variety Hour.
Sounds like the germs
of a good story.
Leave me alone!
You can't hide the truth.
Whatever you've got, I'll find it out
or I'll make it up.
This is going to be a great scoop!
Jesus Trevor,
have you got the stuff?
I'm hanging out, man.
I'll get you the money tomorrow,
I promise.
Hello, my name's Robert.
- Are you the new supplier?
- I've been sent by the director...
to assist you in your
knife-throwing routine.
- Oh, shit!
- I wondered if you'd like to practice.
No, I don't know, man,
I really don't know.
It's not such a hot idea.
- Have you got any smack?
- Smack?
Horse, liquid sky,
skag...
snow, coke, crack,
methadone...
benzedrine, pinkies, San Ped...
Morning Glory, nutmeg,
blue meanies...
aspirin, Ados, paracetamol...
Vicks Vapour Rub?
Oh, you don't happen to be
an asthmatic by any chance?
Could I borrow your huffer?
I don't take drugs of any sort.
I don't believe it's right
to abuse your body like that.
Oh, that's easy for you to say.
You haven't been to hell and back.
- Eh?
- Nam!
- You've been to Vietnam?
- I saw the worst of it, kid.
Tet Offensive 1968.
Charlie had our backs
against the wall!
There were six of us.
No, there were five of us.
Every gook north of Saigon
was drawing a bead on us.
Winyard!
Cover me!
Jim! Jim!
Thanks Jim, I owe you one!
I wasn't about to see my best buddy
peppered with Charlie's lead.
Three weeks later...
we were on a routine patrol
north of Tai Pang.
Charlie was close...
so close
you could almost smell him.
Where's Eightball?
We better go back and look for him.
Eightball!
Thank God!
We thought the gooks
had got you, Eightball.
Drop your weapons and put your hands up
revisionist running dogs.
In the days that followed
I wished a thousand times...
that it was my head
on that stake.
Re-education time
for fascist imperialists.
You... read...
You... read.
I can't see, you bastards!
We didn't see Chuck for two days.
We thought he was a goner.
But then on the third night
they brought him back to us.
The bastards had taken his legs.
I still say that private enterprise...
is acceptable
at a village level...
providing it is strictly controlled
by the party.
We must not let petty
bourgeois aspirations...
taint socialist pedagogy.
Reform is the enemy
of revolution.
The one hadn't finished with us yet.
Their twisted communist minds
had devised one last torture.
As I stared down
the muzzle of that gun...
I thought of Chuck and Eightball...
and the thousands of others
who had perished...
in that godforsaken wilderness.
I was not afraid to join them.
Let's go out of here1
Help me!
Come on buddy, help me up!
Winyard! Winyard!
Don't leave me!
Please!
Dear god-no!
It was six months before
I got out that Saigon hospital.
By then I was hooked
on every barbiturate known to man.
Gosh!
What an awful time you've had!
Hey kid...
you want to express your sympathy
in some kind of material away?
How can I do that?
Vietnam Vets Association.
We're badly under-funded.
Minimum donation fifty bucks.
Thanks, kid.
The Association was in bad need...
of a cash injection.
Ooh! Ooh!
What an organ!
Do you really think people
are interested in nasal sex?
Sure boss.
It's the latest fad.
You got a title?
I thought:
"Dennis Does Daisy".
Nah, that's lousy.
Well how about:
"Anal Antics"?
Not bad.
It's got a certain ring to it.
It'll appeal to the intellectuals.
Do you think it'll do as well as
our last release...
and win the Hooker Prize?
You know I'm worried
about Madame Bovine.
We've lost money on
hr last two pictures.
You want her replaced, boss?
I think the public are tired
of big udders.
Find someone young and petite.
Sure thing, boss.
Bring on the next act!
It's the contortionist,
Arbee Bargwan.
I told him he wasn't needed
for half an hour.
He'll be meditating.
Well you'll just have
to interrupt him, won't you?
Never mind.
I'll get him myself.
Arbee darling,
I hate to intrude upon nirvana...
but you're needed on stage.
Please don't interrupt me.
I am travelling on the astral plane.
Perhaps you could change
your flight plan...
and grace us mere mortals
with your presence.
I'm impervious to your cynicism.
Listen to me,
you double-jointed freak!
If you're not on stage
in five minutes...
you can consider yourself permanently
disembodied from the show.
Hey!
Oh good gracious, Harry!
Somebody call a doctor!
How are we feeling, Harry?
I feel real bad, Doc.
What have I got.
I'll do some tests,
but I don't hold out much hope.
There's only one disease
that fits these symptoms.
It's the big one, Harry.
No!
Not the big one!
I'll have to notify
the health authorities.
They'll want a list of
your sexual partners...
for the last twelve months.
It can't be true!
It can't be!
I've taken precautions!
Ah, tell me Doc...
how long have I got?
It's difficult to tell...
but with a case
as advanced as yours...
ten,
maybe twelve...
- Months?
- Hours.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Doc, can you do me
one favour
Sure Harry, shoot.
Don't tell anyone.
Let me do the show tonight.
OK Harry.
I want to go out
with my reputation intact.
Fat chance Harry!
All right then Arbee,
thrill me!
Hippy shit!
Sorry Guv.
Should I start again?
Move on, move on.
Oh dear!
Are you all right up there?
I seem to have stuck
my head up rectum.
You mean it's not part of your act?
Pity.
We could call it:
"Passage to India".
Come on, come on, uncontort!
Somebody help him!
It's no good Guv,
he's stuck fast.
I am in need of assistance here,
please.
Oh god, this is it!
This is the last straw!
Bletch!
We've got to talk!
We've got a crisis on our hands!
Winyard's killed his assistant.
Arbee's out of action...
Sid's routine is
a complete write-off!
We've got no alternative but
to reinstate my song!
No!
Bletch, I'm sorry...
but the show is
in a shambles!
This is a family show,
for Chrissake!
The network would never allow it.
But it's a superb piece of song
and dance...
It'll go down fabulously
with the public.
I demand it be included!
Keep your filthy paws
off my furniture!
We've got a wonderful new
interpretation.
It sort of goes like this.
Watch.
The chorus come sin stage left...
and there's a lovely little bit
with a piano...
and that's where I come in
from upstage.
And I sort of pirouette...
and the strings are swirling
around me...
and if you can imagine...
and the cellos re coming in
and it's just...
And I leap across la la!
I say, Bletch,
put me down!
I've had just about enough
of your goddamn compositions.
Now get back on the stage
and do your job!
It's your loss, Philistine!
Faggot!
Good morning, Frau Heidi!
What will it be today?
Just one of those tiny truffles,
please.
This one...
Will that be all, Frau Heidi?
Something to take away, maybe?
The black forest cherry cake?
Hi Harry!
Just doing a bit of undercover work.
Heh!
That rash on your groin...
looks pretty ugly...
and don't taste too good neither.
Get out of my bed, you parasite!
Hold it right here, Harry.
That's great!
Me nuts!
I was sorry to hear
about your fatal disease.
Do you have any comments?
It's a slander,
it's libel!
I have no fatal disease!
I'm perfectly healthy!
Let me just see what
Dr. Quack had to say.
Quote:
"There's only one disease
that fits these symptoms.
It's the big one, Harry. "
Unquote.
Move your hand away.
I want some shots of real tears.
Want do you want from me?
Money?
I'll pay you anything.
Sorry, Harry.
You could never pay me
what this story's worth.
Wait! Wait!
I'll give you
my life insurance policy.
Life insurance?
Now you're talking.
Come over here,
I'll sign it over to you.
Great, I'll be able to cash it
in this time tomorrow.
Nice try, Harry!
I've got to go, we both
have deadlines to meet.
Get it, Harry?
"Deadline".
That's not a bad one.
Stop press!
Hold the front page!
I got an exclusive!
Here!
You stuck it in the wrong way round!
I'm sorry.
I didn't know worms had nerves.
Since the nightmare of Vietnam
he's been a hopeless drug addict.
It made me realise
just how lucky I am.
How lucky we both are!
I'm so glad we decided
to get engaged.
Good luck for tonight, Lucy.
- Are you nervous?
- Just a bit.
Me too.
Actually I'm terribly nervous.
This is my first show.
You'll be wonderful.
I know you will.
I hope I'm not interrupting.
I was just dressing
for the show.
So I see.
What do you want?
A moment of your time.
We've got something
to celebrate.
- What's that?
- Your new career.
Lucille, I'm going to put you
in the movies.
Movies!
I've been watching you
for some time.
You've got
that indefinable something.
Star quality!
That's my real ambition,
to be in films!
I've got a meaty part for you.
Will I have to audition?
That's what I'm here for.
I feel woozy.
Let me loosen your clothes.
What beautiful white fur
you've got, my dear.
Lucille, you left this...
Hike!
Can't you see that we're busy?
- Lucille!
- Oh, Jesus!
- Robert!
- You've been drinking.
It's OK.
I've finished with her anyway.
Oh, go for your life, kid.
She's a real good ride.
- How could you do this?
- Robert!
Lucille, ho could you?
No!
Robert!
Wait!
Where's she for God's sake?
Look at the time!
It's all right, Guv.
Miss Heidi's arrived on stage.
At last!
From the top!
On a magic night...
when the way you feel...
is a mystery...
that will be revealed...
Could be an angel...
from up above...
with a flower...
from the garden of love.
Garden of love...
On another day...
it may come again...
It's a Valentine...
from a special friend.
That certain someone...
you'be been thinking of...
with a flower from the garden...
the garden of love...
garden of love...
There are mysteries
that no one knows...
someone offers you
a simple rose...
There's no limit to...
It wasn't my fault.
You've been over-eating again
No I haven't.
There is black forest cherry cake
in your cleavage.
How did that get there?
You know what chocolate
does to your system.
It was only a small wedge.
Your contract states
you are forbidden...
to eat gateaux
on the day of a performance.
- I was depressed.
- You're depressed!
We're going out live in three hours,
for godsake.
Don't speak to me like that.
You don't understand.
None of you understand!
Bletch... Bletch...
Suddenly I feel very very old.
Bletch!
Don't you want to have me?
I must talk to you.
Say you love only me!
Don't you love me?
Don't you, Bletch?
Oh... er...
Bletch?
No!
Heidi!
It's not what you think.
Heidi!
Miss Heidi,
what on earth's the matter?
Damn!
What took you so long?
We were starting to think
you weren't going to show.
We had some trouble
with Customs snooping around.
Is it all there?
Yeah, yeah.
It's all there.
I've got to go.
Not so fast.
It's all there, I tell you.
What's the hurry, Louie?
It's one hundred per cent
pure-uncut.
I'm sure it is.
Barry, do me a line.
Some contracts
for you to sign, Mr. Bletch.
Here Dennis.
I've got a little treat for you.
Don't mind if I do Mr. Bletch.
Borax!
Honest to God,
I didn't know.
I'm as surprised as you are.
Please Mr. Bletch,
let's talk about this.
I think that's a very good idea.
Where's the merchandise?
It's... it's...
Speak up.
I can't hear you.
It's down on the docks.
Mr. Big's shipping it out
tonight.
Whereabouts on the docks?
Shed 11.
There, that wasn't so hard,
was it?
What are we going to do
with all this borax?
You seem a bit congested, Louie.
Maybe your passages need
cleaning.
I don't understand.
Say "ah".
Oh, no... no!
No, Mr. Bletch, please!
You liquidated him real good,
boss.
I think it's time we paid out
Mr. Big a visit.
Bletch...
- I'm sorry, the show's off.
- What are you talking about?
Heidi refuses to perform.
The network won't proceed without her
and cancel the transmission.
What do you mean?
Of course she'll perform.
I'm sorry Bletch.
She's locked herself in her room
and won't talk to anyone.
Give me five minutes.
It's all over.
Go home everybody.
It's kaput.
Finito!
Buggered!
It's all off!
Oh my goodness!
Steady me, Barton.
I think I'm going to faint.
Heidi!
It's Bletch!
Heidi,
I want to make love to you.
Oh, Bletch!
You drive me crazy.
Come over here and undo my buttons!
You mad impetuous brute!
I knew you'd come.
Somebody call the network.
The show will go on!
So I got out my razor
and slit his throat.
Then I buggered the bastard.
Oh, strut Cedric.
It's bad enough getting wasted,
but...
to have your last living memory
being rooted by a Scots psychopath...
it's what I call a real bummer,
mate.
What's that?
Bastards!
I'm buggered!
Right men, let's load up.
That's the lot, boss.
Time we made ourselves scarce.
Aaah!
Oh, no!
Help me boss!
Move it, Trevor!
Oh Jesus!
Shit!
Drive, for Chrissake!
Plant boot!
God I hate arachnids!
Christ-it's Mr. Big!
Hello Bletch.
Where are you going?
I'm taking what's mine.
Don't try to stop us.
You're out of your league,
little fella.
Kiss your arse goodbye!
Take him out Trevor.
Change down Trevor,
the duodenum's pretty steep.
Which way, boss?
Left or right?
Follow the light.
Get me back to the theatre
double quick!
Sure thing, boss.
I'll have to change my suit.
I'm covered in ambergris.
Where's Harry?
He's meant to be here!
Move the carrot to the left.
Have you focused the spot?
Where's Harry for God's sake?
Don't look like
Harry's going to perform.
He's had a bad turn.
No problem...
We'll bring forward
"The Garden of Love".
We're on a roll everybody.
Miss Heidi, you look radiant.
Dorothy, I feel radiant!
Tonight will be
the performance of my life!
- Kill me if you want to, Harry.
- It's too lat.
It won't make any difference.
The story's already gone to press.
You overgrown maggot!
You're bluffing!
Am I Harry?
Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Famous Feeble has
death row sex disease!
Congratulations,
you're front-page news.
Extra, extra!
Read all about it!
Extra!
Extra, extra!
Sex disease strikes
Feeble fraternity.
Thank you, ma'am.
Extra, extra!
Sex disease...
Thank you, sir.
Jesus Christ!
Do you know anything about this?
Not a thing, boss.
Why couldn't that bed-hopping bunny
keep his member to himself?
Who wrote this crap?
I've got a good idea, boss.
Find him!
Ladies and gentlemen,
your attention please.
Welcome to the newest,
the greatest...
the most spectacular show...
in entertainment history.
Put your hand together...,
for the fabulous
Feebles Variety Hour!
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
We're not average ordinary people.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
This is a historic moment, Arthur.
Tonight we rocket
into superstardom!
It's an honour to be a part of it,
Mr. Bletch.
Be sure we guarantee
to amuse you.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles.
Hey Trev,
I've got fifty bucks, man.
I've got to have it.
I'm on real soon.
This is serious, man.
Look at my hands.
Come with me.
Gorblimey!
Is that a real Havana, Mr. Bletch?
Would you like one, Arthur?
Would I ever?
Thanks a million, Mr. Bletch.
You're a scholar and a gent.
I haven't had one of these
since my twenty first.
It's a real man's smoke,
ain't it, Mr. Bletch?
On another day...
it may come again...
it's a Valentine...
from a special friend...
that certain someone...
Bletch,
it's going fabulously!
I've just heard
from the network.
They've confirmed
a syndicated series!
And the critics!
The critics are adoring it!
A syndicated series, eh?
Well done, Sebastian.
I can see the headlines now.
"Director's Artistic Genius...
Makes Feeble Evening...
Outstanding Success".
I've got to go on!
I've got to go on!
My public loves me.
I can't disappoint them.
Robert, we have to talk.
We've nothing to say each other.
I want to tell you what happened.
I thought you were nice.
I am nice.
No, you're not.
You're loose!
- And you drink!
- No!
You're nothing but
a loose lush, Lucille!
And... I never want
to see you again.
The garden of love...
I say everyone,
who's the dirty person...
who did the great big stinky poo
that's blocking up the toilet?
God Trevor, must you be
so disgusting?
Oh, choice!
What are you doing?
Let me go!
You've been telling stories again,
haven't you?
You got a problem with the article,
write to the editor.
That won't be necessary.
Help me!
What do you know, boss,
a left-wing reporter!
We can't have a biased press,
can we Trevor?
No boss.
Now that's what I call
an impartial journalist.
Hello Bletch!
Heidi!
What the hell are you doing here?
Congratulations!
The show is a wonderful success!
What do you want?
Our encounter this afternoon
was so brief!
I thought you might like
a second helping.
Heidi!
For Chrissake
put your dress back on!
Come and sit next to me.
If it's too hot for you,
I can turn on the air conditioning.
I'm hot Bletch,
but not the way you think.
You're not feeling shy,
are you Bletch?
Do you remember that time
in Paris?
We didn't leave the hotel
for three whole days!
I remember all right.
I had to go to the hospital
with severe chafing.
Kiss me, Bletch!
Get away from me!
You shuddering mound of blubber!
Have you any idea
how revolting you look?
Bletch... no!
You disgust me!
Look at you!
You're old and you're fat...
and you smell bad...
Aggh!
No!
I was going to wait
till after the show...
but I might as well tell you now.
You're through with the Feebles!
I don't need you!
I've got a syndicated series...
and I'm grooming Samantha
to be the star.
No!
I hope you enjoyed tonight.
That was your last performance!
Now get out of here!
And now, someone
who needs no introduction.
Heeere's...
Well.
...Harry...
Yipiii!
Launch!
Come on!
Launch the carrot!
What am I going to do?
Oh my god!
Sidney, you're going to have
to fill in for a few minutes.
But... I've got to go the toilet.
Improvise!
Lmprovise!
But I've got a really weak bladder.
Say something!
Go on, say something!
Anything!
The show is going really well,
I think.
Goodbye, Bletch.
We'll drop the barrel balancing act
and bring the knife throwing forward.
Where the hell is Winyard?
Why isn't anybody listening to me?
And so without further ado
please give a big hand...
for our fabulous knife thrower.
Sidney!
Oh, no!
You philandering bastard!
Sandy, not in front of all the people!
What I have to say
I want the world to know.
He may look like
a lovable old pachyderm...
but he's a steaming great shit!
I don't believe it!
Goodbye life!
Hello death!
Hey Seb!
God to see you, man.
Pull yourself together!
You're next up!
Have you ever noticed
the beautiful lighting in this toilet?
He used me to vent
his lustful passions...
but as soon as I was up the duff
it was another story.
He had his pleasure
and left me with this.
Dadda!
Seymour, run to Daddy.
Dadda! Dadda!
Oh, no!
Look, I've got to go.
I've got an urgent call of nature.
That's right, run away!
That's what you've always done.
I don't think I'm going to make it!
Oh yes, a good conditioner
works wonders on my coat.
Oh, Sid, no!
Oh sorry guys.
I was bursting.
Oh Sid-you bastard!
You're supposed to wait
till it's all clear!
Thanks a lot, Sid!
I'm on in five minutes.
Goodbye life!
Oh, there it is!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Don't let me stop you.
I think you'll find
the safety catch is on.
Eat lead you man-stealing slut!
Oh yeah!
Hey, wow!
Amazing!
Bastard!
Bastard!
Ach!
That's it!
I'm left no alternative!
I don't care what Bletch says.
We're doing my song!
It's up to me to save the show,
as usual.
All right, everybody!
As we rehearsed!
Ah, please God!
I know I've been a bad bunny...
but if you make me well again
I promise... promise...
I'll be good
for the rest of my life.
- What?
- Hi Harry.
I've just received your test results...
and guess what...
- I made a boo boo.
- A boo boo?
Yeah Harry.
You're in the clear.
You just got a bad case
of bunny pox.
Take two aspirins
and stay in bed for a week.
I'll send you my bill.
Yippeee!
Yipeeee!
I'm in the clear everybody!
I haven't got it!
I haven't got myxamatosis!
I haven't got myx...
He wouldn't dare!
Oh Christ, he's not!
Oh yes he is, boss.
Sodomy...
you must think it
very odd of me...
that I enjoy the act of sodomy.
You might call the wrath
of God on me...
but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy.
Don't worry if you feel ashamed.
It's been around for years.
Thousands more than can be named
are interested in rears.
Don't worry about hell...
no harm will come to your soul.
We're not all Pentecostal,
but everybody's got an arsehole.
Let me tell you about sodomy.
You must think it very odd of me...
that I enjoy the act of sodomy.
You may call the wrath of God
on me...
but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy.
It might just improve your sex,
it's a hard act to follow.
A fact that fundamentalists
find difficult to swallow.
So join me as I sing...
of an activity that's fun.
Open up your ring
and try it front to bum.
Bum, bum, bum, bum...
Sodomy...
you must think it very odd of me...
that I enjoy the act of sodomy.
You might call the wrath of God
on me...
but if you try it then you might agree
that you enjoy the act of sodomy.
Sodomy!
- Trevor.
- Yes boss?
I want that fudge-packer eliminated.
Now put that gun down Heidi.
You're not solving anything
by massacring people.
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles...
we're not average ordinary people...
Meet the Feebles,
meet the Feebles...
My god!
Oh god no!
Seymour!
Seymour!
I'm coming!
Seymour!
Daddy...
Daddy is here!
Seymour!
Seymour!
Daddy!
I don't care what you've done,
Lucille.
I love you so very very much...
and I want you to marry me.
Oh Robert, I love you too!
I was never unfaithful,
it was Trevor.
He drugged my drink
and tried to ravish me.
That dirty rat!
Heidi!
Put the gun down!
Heidi, for godsake!
Heidi, I still love you!
Bletch...
Kill her, Trevor!
Lt'll be a pleasure, boss.
You rotter!
Shit!
Miss Heidi,
I know you're a real star...
but I'm afraid I'm going to
have to dob you in.
Could you do
one last thing for me, Arthur?
Anything, Miss Heidi.
Play
"The Garden of Love".
On a magic night...
when the way you feel...
is a mystery...
it will be revealed...
Could be an angel...
from up above...
with a flower from the garden...
the garden of love...
garden of love...