(drumroll)
(rousing orchestral fanfare playing)
(fanfare ends)
(woman chanting plaintively
over mournful melody)
(deep whooshing)
(percussion booming)
(plaintive chanting continues)
(percussion booming)
(thunder crashing)
(singing slows, distorting)
MALE NARRATOR:
In the land of Sparta...
when babies were born...
the elders would
inspect them for defects.
BABY (Scottish accent):
Ah. Are you my mama?
'Cause I'm ready to suckle a teat.
(loud retching)
(baby cackles)
If any imperfections were found...
the baby was rejected.
- (grunts)
- (baby yells)
And if the baby...
was Vietnamese...
Brangelina had first dibs.
(thunder crashing)
Cute, huh?
(quiet groan)
Behold Leonidas...
Ah-ooh!
... the perfect Spartan.
(chuckles)
(grunts)
From an early age...
Leonidas was taught to fight.
Come on, you little shit! Come on!
You can't beat me.
You're never gonna be
a Spartan, never.
Take this, Granny!
(distorted): Aah!
(grunts, thuds)
He was tortured,
taught to show no pain.
Tell me, Mr. Bond...
what is the account number?
Who the hell is Mr. Bond?
I'm Leonidas.
You're testing my patience,
Double-Oh.
But I am not Double-
Oh!
(crazed laughing)
Oh!
Little Miss Sunshine!
(trembling):
Oh, oh-
- Here's a nice one. Oh-
- (whimpering)
That's right. Yeah.
No, no, no.
(groaning)
Mr. Bond, I'd like you
to meet Captain Adorable.
- (dog growls)
- Good boy.
Good boy.
Who's a good boy?
- (loud crunch)
- (yelling)
Leonidas was sent into the wild...
to learn how to survive.
(shivering)
He braved the elements...
endured starvation.
No mayo?
This is bullshit!
The beast stalks Leonidas...
red eyes glowing
like the fires of hell.
(suspenseful theme building)
(low squawking)
(suspenseful theme continues)
(upbeat dance music playing)
(Leonidas laughs)
Man, you've got happy feet.
(record needle scratches, music stops)
What you laughin' at, asswipe?
I'm about to shove
my happy foot up your ass...
- cracker.
- Nice penguin.
Where you going, pussy?
(Leonidas yelling)
(grunting)
I'm 'bout to make you
my bitch, Leonidas.
Lick my snowballs.
(grunting)
Now eat my penguin asshole.
(penguin farting repeatedly)
That Taco Bell ain't sittin' right.
Oh, it smells!
- (farts)
- Ha! Caught you with your mouth open.
You dead, Leonidas.
Say "Wassup?"
to Anna Nicole for me.
(grunts)
Shit! I'm stuck!
Oh, we got a penguin pinned down!
Help! Help!
(penguin grunting)
(penguin grunts)
Oh! My ass!
My ass hurt! Oh!
Why you wanna do me like that?
Come on, man, I could hook you up.
We could work it out.
I'll suck your dick!
(dramatic choral music playing)
And the boy
that was cast into the wild...
returned a king!
##
(both grunting)
- (techno dance music playing)
- # Oh! #
#Yeah, yeah #
#Ak' sizzle #
- #The bomb #
- # Get down #
# Baby, down,
I know you love the sound #
#When we do what we do #
- #We get you in the mood #
- #Ak' Sent's in the building #
- # Pick it up, pick it up #
- #Yeah #
- # I know you love the feel #
- # Come on #
# Let's keep it on the real #
#This... is like the bomb #
- # So fresh #
- (deeply): Whoa!
#The bomb, so dope #
#The bomb, so def #
- #The bomb #
- Boobs.
# So cool, the bomb, so fresh #
#The bomb, so dope #
#The bomb #
Sign my rack?
# So cool #
And they're real, too.
Yes! (laughs)
(giggles)
Marry me?
(laughs)
(laughs): What's that?
The combination to my chastity belt.
(excited shuddering):
Oh-
(cheering, whooping)
PEOPLE: Leonidas!
(cheering slowly fades)
NARRATOR: Leonidas was stoked.
He wed Margo,
and she bore him a fine son.
And life in the land
of Sparta was good.
(both grunting)
Yes! Yes! Good!
Thanks, Dad.
(grunting)
(Leonidas pants)
Give me your hand.
Remember, Son: A warrior...
must learn to take a hit.
(grunts, groans)
Fight with your head:
think with your heart.
Huh?
Give him the pile driver, honey.
Pile driver?
(yelling)
- (loud crunch)
- (yelling stops)
That's my boy.
(distorted, slow-motion yell)
(both grunt)
- My queen.
- (loud slaps)
BOY: No!
- Captain.
- No!
I see Leonidas is molding
our future king of Sparta...
to be a man.
(chain saw roaring)
I remember when
my father used to beat me.
Traditional rites of passage.
No. My father was an alcoholic.
(paint gun firing,
pellets ricocheting)
Ow!
Aah!
Xerxes' messenger awaits, my king.
(exhales)
(gun fires)
Greetings, Leonidas.
Greetings, messenger.
(loud kiss)
(spitting): What the hell was that?
What?
You just kissed me!
That is how men of Sparta
greet one another.
High fives for the women...
and open-mouth tongue
kisses for the men.
Ooh.
I get it.
Get what?
Uh... y-you have a...
"free society" here.
Yes. The freest.
Uh, not that there's
anything wrong with that.
(whispers): I dig big black dudes.
Yeah.
Come, messenger, let us walk.
The great Xerxes has
taken over the world...
with his vast Persian army...
and has set his sights
on his final conquest-
Sparta.
Let us talk
by the giant pit of death.
Okay.
Xerxes is a kind god-king...
and offers these...
peaceful alternatives to war.
No blood will be shed...
as long as you Spartan
men build his pyramids...
your women become his sex slaves...
and your children...
work at sweatshops...
making Nikes.
That sounds reasonable.
CAPTAIN: I'm sure you would...
think so, Councilman Traitoro.
(woman sings slow,
exotic, ethereal theme)
(wind whistling softly)
##
Tell Xerxes...
(passionate moaning)
...to take his proposal...
and shove it!
What the hell?!
What? He came on to me!
I did not.
Dawg, your wife's a ho.
This means war!
Hey, hey, hey, it's cool, it's cool.
Uh, we got San Francisco...
and West Hollywood.
We don't need Sparta.
(chuckles)
I'll just tell Xerxes
it's a "no go."
(chuckles)
Kick his ass in.
This is madness!
Madness?
This is Sparta!
Why did you do that?
He was backing down.
(yells)
My lord, he will
tell Xerxes that Sparta...
is not for them,
so, whatever you do...
don't kick him
into the pit of death.
Stop kicking people
into the pit of death. Really!
WOMAN:
# Oh, no #
# Oh, yeah #
# Uh-huh, yeah. #
I don't know why y'all...
have to always get on
my back for everything.
I'm a responsible adult.
Look at me-
I'm booby-feeding my baby.
Sometimes I like to
give him fried milk.
I call 'em milk poppers.
It's just like breast milk,
but it's fried.
And you just pop 'em in your mouth.
He loves 'em.
Don't you, baby!
# Goo-goo, gah-gah #
# Gah-gah, gah-gah-gah-gah. #
(raspy panting)
I'm a smart shopper.
I got this entire outfit in
an alleyway from a Mexico woman.
# Bargain #
# Shopping #
#Yeah. #
Why do y'all think I'm messed up?
Shit! Do I look crazy to you?
(echoing): Oh...
my God!
Aw, damn, cuz!
There goes my palimony!
K-Fed ain't havin' it, yo.
K-Fed, come back to me, please!
Please? I'll let you under my skirt.
There goes K-Fed's cheddar, yo.
(screaming)
MAN:
# Oh, yeah! #
#Ah-ah-ah, yeah! #
(singing off-key):
# Ooh-ooh-ooh! #
(screeching):
#Yeah! #
(sobbing)
#Yeah! #
(shrieks)
# I'm not gay! #
(groans)
Leonidas.
Ryan Seacrest?
How did you feel about that kick?
Let's see what the judges
have to say.
- Randy?
- Yo, Leo, dawg, man...
I, I wasn't really feelin' you
on that kick, dawg.
I don't know what happened, man.
It was just
all right for me, dawg.
- I mean, just all right, dawg.
- Paula?
Leonidas...
you...
move me.
(voice breaking):
Y-
I don't-
Simon?
Leonidas...
I thought the kick...
was utterly... dreadful.
Oh... Simon-
In fact, I've seen better kicks...
from a geriatric donkey.
Oh- (sputters)
And I'm not talking
about you, Paula.
I am sorry, King...
but your journey ends here.
Oh, go (bleep) yourselves!
- What are y?
- (judges screaming)
(screams echoing)
(sniveling)
(whimpering)
(echoing): Seacrest out!
Excellent work, my king.
It's time to consult
with the prophets.
(sighs)
(screams echoing)
NARRATOR:
The ancient prophets were advisers to the king.
Grotesque swine, their consult
came with a bribe.
(excited grunting)
Oh. Oh, Oxy 10.
Oh, Neutrogena.
This has an SPF.
Th-This is all-day protection.
Look at this.
Exfoliator with alpha hydroxy.
This is good for you, Glenn.
Rub it all over
your disgusting face.
What need you, King Leonidas?
Ancient prophets...
I need your guidance.
I'm assembling an army
of 300 to go to war with Persia.
I'm going to take them in the rear.
Here, here.
(snickers)
And then I'm gonna reach around...
(chuckles)
...and I'm gonna take them again
from the front!
(snickering)
What?!
Why are you sniggering?!
Nothing.
It's- no-nothing-
- (clears throat)
- (snickering continues)
What's so damn funny?!
Look, it's all there for you to see!
These are battle formations!
(chuckling): Battle form-
That's what he calls them!
It looks like backstage
at an Elton John concert!
Cut it out!
This isn't funny!
This is serious business!
(moans)
No Spartan goes to war...
without first consulting...
the oracle!
(ethereal, ominous music plays)
NARRATOR:
The prophets chose only the most beautiful...
of Spartan girls to be their oracle.
Oh-
Ugly Betty?
She has a great personality.
##
Eww!
I look like Jabba the Hutt.
That is hot to me.
(sneezing)
(exotic techno melody playing)
(slurping)
Oh-
(whispering): See-nah skah-nah...
labwana no-cho dame.
"Fo' shizel my nizzel."
(indistinct whispering)
"Save the cheerleader...
save the world."
Actually, I'm, I'm not into Heroes.
"Douche bag says what?"
What?
(snickering)
(prophets snickering)
(whispering indistinctly)
"Chest waxer says what?"
- What?
- (snickering)
(chortling)
(chuckling):
He walked into that one.
What, what are you saying to me?
I don't understand.
Go to war with Persia
and you will surely die.
You're screwed, dude.
(exotic, ethereal theme plays)
(women laughing)
What?!
(laughter continuing)
He looks like a Ken doll!
(laughter continues)
It's cold!
Tommy Lee?
Shaq?
Borat?
(whispering): Oakland Raiders?
Why is my king so restless?
Can't sleep.
It's this whole Battle
of Thermopylae thing.
Are you still thinking about
what that young oracle said?
(sighs)
There's only one woman whose
words you should listen to.
Oprah.
Your wife?
Right, right.
How will I be tried...
in the court of public opinion?
Well, Harry Knowles
at "Ain't It Cool News"...
says this movie is just
a cheap rip-off of 300.
(woman laughing)
- (grunts)
- (other women gasp)
Even if the oracle
doesn't support you, I do.
And Sparta does.
This could be
our last night together.
You wanna do it?
Like we've never done it before.
(exhales)
(passionate, breathy moaning)
(sighs)
...97... 98...
...99...
(grunting):100!
Beat my record.
- (grunts)
- (shrieks)
Captain.
My king.
Have you assembled
my army who are ready...
to fight to the death
for the freedom of Sparta?
Yes, King.
I wanted 300.
This seems like... less.
These were the only men
who met with your stringent...
specifications.
"Hunky with deep
Mediterranean tans...
"hot bods..."
and, uh...
Yes?
"...well endowed."
SPARTANS: Haawoo! Haawoo!
Haawoo!
Ready to fight for you, my king!
Never give up!
Never surrender!
To infinity and beyond!
CAPTAIN:
He has a lot of heart, my king.
And nice man boobs.
Indeed.
These men will do.
You are a fine captain, Captain.
But a better friend...
there is none.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Damn!
He's got a huge package.
I brought you some fudge.
Mom said that you like to pack it.
She's a good woman.
Good-bye, Father.
(sighs): Farewell, my son.
(Leonidas clears throat)
Introductions?
King Leonidas,
this is my son, Sonio.
My king.
Why is he not fighting?
Well, he is not a warrior.
And he's my only son...
destined to carry on my name.
What do you think?
Yummy.
Work it, sister.
I think he's fierce.
(rap beat plays)
# Come and give it 2 me #
#You know you want my body,
need my body #
# Show me them goodies... #
And if you don't like it...
you can kiss my fat ass!
(smacks)
Ooh!
Oh!
#... Watchin' your curves #
#Thinking of words, baby #
# My vision is blurred... #
Congratulations, Sonio.
You're now on your way
to becoming Sparta's...
(whispering): next top warrior!
#... right where my mind is #
# Gimme your goody
and your body #
# Uh! Come and give it 2 me #
#You know you want my body,
need my body #
# Show me them goodies #
#You're gonna love my body,
touch my body... #
QUEEN MARGO: Spartan!
(sighs): My child...
I shall never forget you.
You are so small now...
but one day you will grow
to be big and strong...
like your father.
That's not your son.
You asshole.
Take care of your mother.
Stay tough, Son.
Come back with your shield...
or on it.
And if I come back on it,
I want you to move on.
I would never.
Hell, if you died,
I'd play the field.
To be honest...
I've always wanted
to do a fat chick.
(gentle theme plays)
##
The men are ready, my king.
Good. We'll head south
to the Hot Gates...
where we'll intercept
the Persian army.
Where are you going?
The oracle said if we went
to war, we'd be screwed.
The oracle also said that
our painted-on abs look fake.
But I beg to differ.
(spray nozzle hissing)
(giggling)
Give the order, Captain.
- (keypad beeping)
- Spartans! In formation!
OTHERS: Ah-ooh!
(whispering) Spartans heading south.
Move out!
(lively disco beat plays)
SPARTANS:
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long
as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all
my love to give #
#And I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey #
Woo!
(melody continues)
WOMAN:
# I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# I will survive! #
#Yeah #
# Ooh... #
NARRATOR: The fearless Spartans...
reached the Hot Gates...
where danger lurked
around every corner.
(ominous theme plays)
Halt skipping!
(exhausted groans)
Exhausted from thejourney...
the Spartans replenished
their electrolytes.
(exciting, dramatic music playing)
Gatorade. Is it in you?
(music finishes with a flourish)
(chomping, grunting)
What do you think, my king?
We'll use the narrow
passageway of the Hot Gates...
to funnel the Persians in...
where their vast numbers
won't count for shit.
Captain, have the men found
any other trails...
that the Persians
could use to attack us?
None, sir.
WOMAN (in low, distorted voice):
I know such a road, my king.
Back off, hideous creature.
There's a secret goat path
just above the Hot Gates.
If the Persians found it,
they could outflank you.
Slow your roll, Captain.
Reveal yourself, creature.
Paris Hilton?
Hey, fellas.
What happened to you?
(chuckles): Oh.
You mean the hump?
Yeah. The hump.
It was all that,
"You're going to jail.
"Now you can get out of jail.
Now you're going back to jail."
And on and on and on and on- Ugh.
It's just been really confusing.
I mean, even Tinkerbell's
affected by it.
She hasn't moved since Saturday.
But she still poops, which is weird.
(sighs): And me...
they've turned me into this, like...
totally grotesque monster!
(crying): And I don't
even know... oh.
(hip-hop ringtone plays):
# Do tha hump-de-hump... #
Hang on a minute.
Oh- (groans)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Nicole.
Nothing. Just some guys with swords.
No, I'm talking about their
actual swords, Nicole.
You're gross.
Yeah, I'm hungry.
Did you eat?
Oh, you ate an almond?
Oh, yeah, you're done
eating for the day.
Okay. And then let's go to Pinkberry.
Bye, sexy.
(kiss)
(laughs)
Look...
it's my dream to be a Spartan.
I want to fight for you,
my king.
- What can you do?
- Well- Mmm.
Have you seen my video?
I don't like the way
you handle a spear.
You grip the shaft firmly.
Then with one hand on the base...
you slide the other
all the way up to the tip.
That's hot.
I'm sorry,
but we cannot use you.
(groans, pants)
No!
It's not fair!
Mom!
You'll be sorry!
You're making a terrible mistake!
(yells)
I'm not as stupid as I look!
(clang)
(groaning)
Help.
- Look! Persians!
- (indistinct chatter)
(footsteps thudding)
(ominous theme playing)
##
##
I am the emissary
to the great god-king Xerxes...
come to accept your surrender.
Oh, we're not here to surrender.
ALL: Haawoo!
(laughs)
Xerxes will enjoy making you
his slaves.
(yelling)
(yelling continues)
(grunts)
(groans)
(shrieks)
- (whispers): Ow.
- (whimpers)
(exhales)
Spartans!
ALL: Yah!
Let's battle!
(exhales)
Oh, we about to stomp the yard.
SPARTANS (chanting):
We are the Spartans.
We stomp the yard.
Check out our buns.
They are rock hard.
(snooty chuckling)
Ooh, ooh.
Spartans!
Yeah!
(Spartans cheering)
Persians!
Let's show 'em
why we're national champs...
three years runnin'.
You dig?
(muttering)
- (derisive moans)
- Oh, come on.
(chanting): We like wearing
turbans and eating baklava.
We like chicks with burkas...
that cover their ta-tas.
Ooh, ah! Ooh, ah!
Persians, huh!
- (derisive muttering)
- You're joking, right?
(horrified cries)
Man, come on.
("Tambourine" by Eve playing)
- #You gotta shake your ass #
- Let's go!
# Shake your tambourine #
# Go and get yourself a whistle,
shake your tambourine #
# Go and get yourself
a whistle #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Ladies! #
# Shake your tambourine... #
- # Ladies! #
- # Shake your tambourine... #
# Shake, shake, shake, shake #
# Shake, shake, shake, shake #
# Shake, shake, shake, shake #
# Shake your tambourine... #
# Ladies and gentlemen #
# E-V-E come through
in the Mazarat' #
# Doin' it big like I live
in the Taj Mahal... #
ALL: Yeah!
(shouting, taunting)
#That's real, been the chick
that they talked about #
# "God damn" is the words
that come out they mouth... #
Oh-
#Ask for her #
#Yeah, she back
and cakin' out #
- # Ladies! #
- # Shake your tambourine... #
##
Oh, please, take a hike.
# Shake your tambourine,
go and get yourself a whistle #
# Shake your tambourine, go
and get yourself a whistle #
#They be watchin' while we wiggle around
Look at 'em droolin' #
# Niggas ain't used to this sound
I keep 'em movin' #
# Put your hands in the air
It's all right now #
#We gonna keep you up
on your feet the whole night #
# Now pop them bottles
Yeah, drink that up #
(rhythmic grunting)
Yeah!
(grunting)
(crowd cheering)
(cheering, whistling)
##
(crowd booing)
(cheering)
(crowd jeers)
(cheering, whistling)
(grunts)
# Get low, get low, then
pick up, pick up, get your #
# Hands in the air,
it's a stick up, stick up #
# Shake your tambourine... #
(crowd jeering loudly)
(all grunt in unison)
# Shake it to the floor,
gotta love dat #
# How she keep it going on,
gotta love dat #
#To the beat like a pro,
know you love dat #
- (thud, grunt)
- CROWD: Oh!
(groaning)
##
(groaning)
- (music pauses)
- Don't come up in my kitchen...
with that weak-ass shit.
#You gotta shake your ass #
# Shake your tambourine, go
and get yourself a whistle and #
# Shake your tambourine, go and
get yourself a whistle and #
# Shake your tambourine, go
and get yourself a whistle and #
# Shake your tambourine... #
(screeching, squeaking)
# Shake your tambourine, go
and get yourself a whistle and #
- (loud crack)
- (groaning) Eee! Ooh!
(grunts)
(crack)
(exhales)
You got served!
(cheers, shouts, whooping)
(lively swing music plays)
(cheering, whooping)
- (cheers, whistles)
- (triumphant grunt)
(crowd cheering, whistling)
You telling me we lost?
Dance them to the cliffs!
LEONIDAS: No mercy!
Come on, man,
can we talk about this?
Yo, I just met
these dudes right here.
I don't even know them.
CAPTAIN: Onward! Keep dancing, boys!
(fierce yell)
(echoing scream)
(shrieking)
(ominous, dramatic theme plays)
- Last one in is a rotten egg!
- Cannonball!
Marco!
(splash)
(echoing): Polo!
(splash)
ALL: Hyah!
(scattered laughter)
We may have won the battle,
but they will win the war!
ALL: Hyah! What?
##
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Buttmeister presents...
"Real Men of Genius."
MALE SINGER:
# Real men of genius! #
Today we salute you...
Mr. Warmongering Latent Homosexual.
# Mr. Warmongering
Latent Homosexual! #
Wearing nothing but
leather underwear and a cape...
you charge your enemy like
an oiled-up hairless wonder.
# Spray-on tan! #
Sure, there's danger-
charging rhinos,
stampeding elephants...
and that cute toga-wearing guy
named Chad.
# Ooh! #
You only went out on one date...
but you'll remember it...
(echoing): forever, forever...
#Take your daily Valtrex! #
Your keen instincts tell you
to cut, slice and chop...
every man you see.
But enough about your career
as a hair stylist...
let's talk war.
# Ow! That curling
iron is hot! #
So this Butt's for you,
King Leonidas...
because when the going gets tough...
the tough go antiquing.
# Mr. Warmongering
Latent Homosexual... #
#Yeah. #
Queen Margo...
we must speak.
(exhales)
Loyalist, what do you want?
Nice tomatoes.
Your husband needs you.
(sighs)
You must convince the council...
to send more troops
to support your husband.
My husband is dead.
He told me to move on.
Besides, I'm already
registered on J Date.
A little to the right.
- (soft crunching)
- That's it.
If Leonidas fails,
Xerxes will take over...
and you will be stripped
of your crown.
I won't be queen?
- (masseuse grunts)
- Ow! That's too hard.
You will lose everything.
Ow! Ooh, stop.
Your palace, your Mercedes...
Hi-yah!
- Ow!
...your Nintendo Wii...
- (grunts)
- No, no, no, no, no.
- (grunts)
- Ow!
...your vaginal regeneration surgeon...
Hi... yah!
...your gardener.
(gasps)
Antonio?
(leaf blower whirring)
(lively Latin disco music playing)
(passionate sigh)
(music continues)
(kisses, blows)
My husband needs me.
I'll do whatever it takes.
I will set...
the meeting with the council.
But in order to win their vote...
you will need to get
Traitoro's support.
He holds great influence...
with the council.
(masseuse yells)
QUEEN MARGO:
There better be a happy ending.
(indistinct chatter)
King Leonidas!
Xerxes approaches.
NARRATOR: Xerxes.
He looked a lot like
that fat guy from Borat.
(exotic theme plays)
I am the great god-king Xerxes.
- (loud rip)
- Ooh!
ALL: Ooh!
(groans, hisses in pain)
Ow, ow, ow!
Not again!
That always happens.
- (stapler clacks)
- OTHERS: Ow!
(groans)
(stapler clatters)
Whew!
(exhales sharply)
- (cracking)
- (men groaning)
(yells, thuds)
ALL: Damn!
- Oh, s-sorry, Xerxes.
- It's cool.
It's cool, cool. I'm fine.
I meant to do that.
(chuckles)
- (gunshot)
- (grunts)
ALL: Oh, shit!
I'll tell you, kid, you got balls.
I come over here with a big army.
We going to shish kebab your ass.
Before this battle is over...
people will know...
that even a god-king can fall.
Listen, Leo, I came here to talk.
Just listen to my deal.
Ladies!
WOMEN: Hi, Xerxes.
(laughter)
- (phone ringing)
- Ah, that's probably for me.
Hello?
Really?
Okay.
That was the banker.
He's offering...
to buy back your briefcase...
for a weekend getaway for two...
in Las Vegas, Nevada...
at the Palms Hotel and Casino!
WOMEN: Ooh...
I've always wanted to go there!
All you have to do
is bow down to me...
...and surrender Sparta.
Deal...
or no deal?
(Spartans shouting advice)
- Deal!
- Deal!
- Take it!
Take the deal!
You think I should? No!
- Take the deal!
- It's simple.
- Take the deal!
- Come on!
What about Sparta?
- Hit the button!
- Come on!
WOMEN: Take the deal! Take it!
- Take it!
- Take the deal!
Hit the button!
(shouting continues)
Take it!
No deal!
- (groans, angry grunts)
- Oh, great!
By the time I'm finished with you...
Sparta will be annihilated.
It will be as though
you never existed.
I will see to it that you are...
written out of the history books.
Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes...
because I can't read.
(slow, ominous theme plays)
NARRATOR:
Xerxes didn't take rejection well.
From every corner of his empire...
he sent his most
vicious warriors to fight.
Yo mama's so ghetto,
when she breast-feeds...
Kool-Aid comes out!
(derisive shouts, laughter)
Yo mama's so stupid,
she thought Tupac Shakur...
was a Jewish holiday!
(derisive shouts, laughter)
(clucking like a chicken)
Get her, Dilio!
Yo mama's so fat, her
pants size is, um, um, um...
"Bitch, lose some weight"!
(laughter, shouts)
Your mama's so butch...
Rosie O'Donnell
wouldn't even date her.
Uh-uh! No, you didn't!
No, you didn't!
- Whoa!
- No, you didn't!
Well, yo mama titties
is smaller than yours.
(others hooting)
Bounce some D's on that bitch!
Your mama's so fat,
Sir Mix-A-lot decided...
he doesn't like big butts!
And he ain't lyin'!
Kiss that!
Oh! Ow!
Oh, my eyes!
Oh! Oh!
LEONIDAS: Walk it off.
- How you like that, huh?
- Sit down.
Yo, yo mama's so fat,
that when she farts...
Al Gore accuses her
of global warming, dawg.
Whew!
Cranking it up!
Yes, well, that may be the case,
but your mama's so hairy...
the only language she speaks...
is Wookiee!
- (roars like a Wookiee)
- (laughter) Oh!
(roaring like a Wookiee)
That's it!
- Well, yo mama-
- (imitates Wookiee roar)
Yo ma-
- (roaring like a Wookiee)
- (Spartans laughing, talking)
Yes!
- (Spartans hooting)
- CAPTAIN: Bye-bye!
Back to the hood!
Xerxes watched
as his warriors were defeated.
It sent an all-too-human chill
up his spine.
Or perhaps that was
the Dentyne Ice...
with cool mint crystals.
(crackling)
Loyalist said you wanted to see me.
That's my urine sample.
Tastes like asparagus.
Leonidas needs more troops.
Without reinforcements,
Sparta will fall and-
(horn playing quiet mock gibberish)
(horn continues playing mock gibberish)
I'll do anything...
(softly): for my husband.
Anything?
(exhales seductively)
- (boinging)
- Awesome!
I'm so getting laid!
Good-bye, virginity.
I promise you,
you're not going to enjoy this.
But I suffer from premature eja-
Oh-
Mmm.
It's okay: I have crabs.
(playing melody)
(both giggle)
WOMAN:
Ooh- (laughs)
(percussive music continues)
(woman's echoing laughter)
XERXES:
Betray your beloved Spartans-
Nice.
and I will give you
anything you desire.
That's hot.
Bow down to me.
(barking)
Bow down to the great god-king...
Xerxes.
I'm a Hilton.
I don't bow.
(exasperated groan)
But I do bend over.
Ah, good.
There's a secret goat path
into the Hot Gates.
You could totally use it
to defeat Leonidas.
Ah- (laughs)
And what do you desire?
I want my record expunged.
Oh, and I want
that new Chanel purse.
Thank you.
I want throwing up to be fun.
You got something to say,
say it- I got things to do.
(quietly): What was it?
I can't remem-
Oh, God, geez, yeah.
(groans)
I want to get this hump removed.
(chuckles)
Mmm!
Will you please just do it?
It's really heavy and really hard to keep clean.
Done.
- (loud pop)
- Aah!
(slurping)
(exhales)
As long as Xerxes doesn't find...
the secret path to the Hot Gates...
...their vast numbers
won't count for shit.
(panting)
My king!
Catch your breath.
Vanilla blended.
What is it, boy?
Xerxes has found
the secret goat path...
through the Hot Gates.
Aw, shit!
Damn that Paris Hilton.
(panting): I hate her.
He's deployed thousands
of Persian soldiers...
that'll be here any minute.
(panting)
(slurps)
Dilio...
how bad are your injuries?
Oh, it's, uh- it's
just a scratch, my king.
(dramatic, eerie theme plays)
You've got no eyes.
The gods blessed me with a spare.
No, they haven't.
You just had the two.
Jeremy has the spare.
I can still fight!
(grunting)
Whoa! No!
- Dilio! Dilio!
- (shouting angrily)
- Di- Dilio! Dilio! Dilio.
- (shouting)
Walk with me.
No. No. No.
Your fate is the most important.
You must go back to Sparta...
and tell of our tale.
Yes, my king.
Any message for the queen?
(wistful, gentle theme plays)
None that need be said.
Now go, Dilio.
Tell how 13 Spartans
fought for honor...
for glory...
for freedom!
(grunts)
Good luck, Dilio.
(blades scraping)
(low growling)
(steam hissing)
(growling)
Spartans!
XERXES: This is your final chance.
Bow down to me or you will die.
I bow for no man!
Take a knee.
No!
- Curtsey.
- Enough!
Well, your sandal is untied.
Oh... thanks very much.
See?
Was that that difficult?
- No, wait, no!
- Ah-tah-tah-tah-tah-
- No, I wasn't bowing.
- No, no, no.
I was just doing my shoe!
No, you acknowledged me
as your god-king.
High-five!
- (laughter)
- Ooh.
What?
(mocking, girlish laughter)
What-What-What the hell is so funny?
- You!
- Me?
You greet like women.
You idiots are
wearing banana hammocks...
and you're laughing at me?
Now you're pissing me off.
I'm getting everybody.
- (phone beeps)
- Hello. Where you at?
I know where I'm at.
Bring in my vast army.
You 13...
putz are no match...
for my massive Persian army.
They number in the millions!
That's just a blue screen.
Stupid.
It's a visual effect.
It's going to be digitally
inserted later.
And the army is quite
impressive, as you can imagine.
- (electronic whir)
- (warriors grunt at once)
(gasping)
Gentlemen, may I present...
Queen Margo.
(dance beat plays)
(indistinct chatter)
- (laughter)
- (whistling)
(men whooping)
(rhythmic vocals join beat)
(whooping, indistinct chatter)
Come on, baby.
I'm gettin' a chubby.
Boner alert. Boner alert.
Okay, boys, make it rain!
# Do the D-A-N-C-E,
# Stick to the B-E-A-T,
get ready to ignite #
#You were such a P-Y-T,
catching all the light #
#Just easy as A-B-C, that's how
you make it right... #
(music fades out)
(whooping and chatter fades)
Good councilmen...
I implore you.
Your king, my dear
husband, needs your help.
Sparta will fall...
if you don't agree
to send the rest of our army.
(Traitoro clapping slowly)
(clapping rhythmically)
Gentlemen, our only
hope for survival...
is to surrender to Xerxes
and beg for his forgiveness.
Do not be swayed by the words
of this common prick-tease...
with crabs all up in her coochie.
- MEN: Ooh-
- (scoffs)
Oh, no, you didn't.
Yes. Yes, I did.
(huffing, grunting)
(yells)
NARRATOR: Queen Margo unleashed
a venomous rage...
(squirming)
... much like Tobey Maguire
in Spider-Man 3.
- (grunting)
- (men gasping)
(laughing)
I'm evil.
Made of sand.
(grunts)
(coughing)
Ohh!
(growls)
(yells)
Oh, no.
- Ooh!
- (groaning, gasping)
(meows)
Oh... cute.
- (meows, farts)
- Gross.
(whooshing)
(laughs)
- What is it?
- (councilmen laughing)
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God!
Oh! Oh, my God.
(laughing)
How you like me now, Sandman?
Oh, no.
(vacuum whirring)
Dust-busting bitch! No!
(groaning, yelling)
(yells): No!
(grunting)
- Ah-
- (councilmen murmuring)
- (phone beeps)
- (gasps)
Well, tickle my nipples
with a feather.
Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five.
ALL:
Grumble, grumble, grumble-
Traitoro was a... traitor?
- (gasps)
- Duh!
All in favor...
of sending more troops...
say aye.
ALL: Aye! Aye! Aye!
Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye-
(bowstrings creaking)
Spartans!
(all grunt)
(swords scraping, clanging)
We have you surrounded.
Lay down your weapons!
Come and get them!
Formation!
(grunting)
Um-
A Spartan always protects
another man's rear.
(grunts)
Adjust your sword, boy.
It's digging into my back.
But I'm not wearing my sword.
Carry on then.
CAPTAIN: My son.
Today...
you are truly a Spartan.
Thanks, Father.
Attack!
(shouting, yelling)
Steady, Spartans!
(yelling)
(chuckles)
Remember this day, boys!
For today is the day you die!
- Huh?
- What? Huh?
What?
I- I mean they die.
Today's the day they die-
that's what I meant to say.
(shouting, whooping)
Go!
(yelling)
(crashing rumble)
Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits.
(groaning, grunting)
God, that smarts.
I am gonna go Hercules on your ass!
(groaning)
(yelling)
(blade ringing)
(yelling)
(grunting)
(water sloshing)
(sloshing)
- (towel snaps)
- (grunts)
(screaming)
(yelping)
(screaming)
(yelling)
(engine rumbles, tires squeal)
Ghost Rider!
(chain rattling)
You're going to hell.
(laughs)
(yells)
(groaning)
(laughs)
Stop, drop and roll!
- (laughter)
- Stop, drop and roll!
(grunting)
(chains rattling)
Yo!
(yells)
(footfalls rumbling)
(growls)
No!
Yo, Sonio.
I'm gonna knock your block off.
- Oh, shit.
- (grunts)
Sonio!
(yells)
You'll pay for this, Balboa.
Go for it.
(grunting)
Adult diapers?
(grunts, groans)
(yells)
(squishing)
(voice slowing down):
Botox... overdose.
(rumbling)
Yes!
(laughing): Yeah!
(grunts, yells)
Yeah!
- (grunts)
- (gasps)
(groans)
Yes!
Xerxes!
(coughing)
It's a- a beautiful death.
It's actually not that attractive.
(yelling)
(hard rock music playing)
(car horn honking "La Cucaracha")
(changes stations)
# I'm a Barbie girl #
# In the Barbie world #
# Life in plastic,
it's fantastic #
(sings along):
# Come on, Barbie, let's go party! #
#Ah-ah-ah-yeah #
# Come on, Barbie,
let's go party #
(music changes back to hard rock)
Ooh!
(clanging)
Shit!
Enough of this gratuitous
video game violence!
(intense, dramatic theme playing)
(grunts)
(panting)
- (Leonidas yells)
- (Xerxes whimpers)
Waah!
(spits)
Ah-
- Aha!
- (electrical crackling)
A Transformer cube!
(laughing)
(laughing)
(men grunting)
Okay, baby, let's transform.
(electrical zapping)
(laughing)
(Xerxes cackling)
(mechanical whirring)
(cackling)
(electrical zapping)
(beeping)
(beep)
(mechanical whirring)
(hollow echo): I... am Xerxestron...
equipped with advanced
alien technology.
(beep)
(sobbing)
Leave Britney alone!
He is a god-king.
(sobbing):
Please-
(footfalls thundering)
(all gasp)
(cord creaking)
- Leave her alone!
- (Xerxes gasping)
- She's a human!
- (grunts)
Oh, oh, ain't that a bitch.
(all yelling)
(echoing thud)
NARRATOR:
Leonidas was true to his word.
A god-king did fall.
But unfortunately, right on them.
(gentle, ethereal theme playing)
##
I-I- I just-
(laughs):
Oh-
Ooh.
Queen Margo.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
(ominous, ethereal theme plays)
(woman singing plaintive melody)
##
Leonidas and the Spartans...
died for honor...
for glory.
They died a beautiful death.
Today... we stand against
But we now have 100,000 soldiers!
Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh! Ah-ooh!
(muttering)
To victory!
Ah.
Follow me, boys.
I don't know.
And thus,
Dilio blindly led the Spartans...
- (low murmuring)
- away from the Persians...
- (yelling)
- to Malibu...
just as Lindsay Lohan
was leaving rehab... again.
(yelling)
(screams)
(piano plays arpeggio)
#At first I was afraid #
# I was petrified #
# Kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side #
# But then I spent
so many nights #
#Thinking how
you did me wrong #
#And I grew strong #
#And I learned
how to get along #
#And so you're back #
# From outer space #
# I just walked in
to find you here #
#With that sad look
upon your face #
# I should have changed
my stupid lock #
# I should have made
you leave your key #
# If I had known
for just one second #
#You'd be back to bother me #
# Go on, now go #
#Walk out the door #
#Just turn around now #
# 'Cause you're
not welcome anymore #
#Weren't you the one #
#Who tried to hurt me
with good-bye? #
# Did you think I'd crumble? #
# Did you think
I'd lay down and die? #
ALL:
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long
as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
#And I'll survive #
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey #
##
##
Whassup, dawg?!
# Ha-ha! It took all
the strength I had #
# Not to fall apart, dawg! #
# Kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart #
#And I spent,
oh, so many nights #
#Just feeling sorry for myself #
# I used to cry #
# But now I hold
my head up high #
#And you see me #
# Somebody new #
# I'm not that chained-up
little person #
# Still in love with you #
- (music stops)
- That's "Britney," bitch.
- ##
- (chuckles)
#And so you felt
like dropping in #
#And just expect me
to be free #
# Now I'm saving all my lovin' #
# For someone who's lovin' me #
BRITNEY:
# Go, come on, now, uh! #
(rhythmic panting)
# Britney's in the house,
where my babies at? #
#Ah, like this #
ALL:
# Go, now, go #
#Walk out the door #
#Just turn around now #
# 'Cause you're
not welcome anymore #
#Weren't you the one #
#Who tried to hurt me
with good-bye? #
# Did you think I'd crumble? #
# Did you think
I'd lay down and die? #
# Oh, no, not I #
# I will survive #
# Oh, as long
as I know how to love #
# I know I'll stay alive #
# I've got all my life to live #
# I've got all my love to give #
- #And I'll survive #
- That's right, dawg!
# I will survive #
# Hey, hey! #
(upbeat pop intro plays)
# Hey, yo #
#When I wake up
moaning, yawning #
# I put up my hands #
#Thank the Lord
for what I got #
#And never stop my plans #
# Giving all for the goals #
# Got to keep it up,
never let my head drop #
# Make me a home on my own #
# Better make the bed rock #
#A place for the dog, a garage,
a yard to play around #
# Kitchen for missus #
# She be fixing them biscuits
golden brown #
# Got me a shorty and some kids,
just like a family should #
# Made it through changes,
that's how I live #
#And now it's all good #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
- # How you bounce back,
how you bounce back #
- # Hey, hey #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
- # How you bounce back,
how you bounce back #
- # Hey, hey #
# Super-classic-play-a-listic
homie, I'm the dopest #
# If you close your eyes
and miss it #
#Ask me why I wrote this #
# I have come so very far
to make this here my home #
# So if you thinking otherwise,
I guess you thinkin' wrong #
#All it takes is all I got,
a little bit of try #
#And if you make my babies cry,
I'll bust you in your eye #
# Gonna put in work,
gonna make it happen #
#Ain't no way
you could tie me up #
# 'Cause I hocus-pocus,
keep your focus #
#Then you know this,
that's what's up #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# You gonna breathe now #
# It's all how you bounce back #
# How you bounce back #
# It's all how you bounce back. #
##
##
NARRATOR:
As the Spartans kicked major ass...
even Leonidas believed...
victory was theirs.
Victory is ours, boys!
Ah-ooh!
Let's celebrate!
For tonight, we dine...
at Hooter's!
Hoo!
- (rock music playing)
- (men cheering)
##
Eat from them...
everything!
And tip them...
nothing!
MEN: Yeah! Yeah!
It's Two-fer Tuesday.
Yeah!
- LEONIDAS: Come on!
- No! Whoa!
(grunts)
Oh, isn't that sweet.
(boy screaming)
- (cracking)
- Oh! Oh-
Oh- Oh-
That's my boy.
Where do you think you're going?
- Aah!
- You little pussy.
##
No! No!
(boy yelling)
(loud crunch)
That's it.
(laughs): Yay.
(boy yelling)
(crazed laughing)
- (yells)
- (crash)
##
If you can dodge a golf ball,
you can dodge a sword.
Ha! You missed.
Ow!
He can outflank us now, my king.
Men!
(noble theme plays)
We are facing certain death.
Cherries.
But...
the joke's on them,
because they don't know...
that dying in battle
is the greatest honor...
for any Spartan!
(fierce roar)
(unenthusiastically): Ah-hoo.
God, that's a shitty plan.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH:
Look, Leonidas...
war is not the answer.
Heh-heh.
Trust me, I know.
No! War is the answer!
(loud crunch)
(ominous theme playing)
Where am I?
Spidey, you're fired.
(screams)
(shrieking)
ELLEN DeGENERES: Hi.
How are you, Leonidas?
(chuckles): Ellen.
Listen, I don't know
why you're so upset.
You look great.
You know, the cape is great.
Love the... diaper.
I-I'd wear something very similar...
for Portia on Friday nights.
We get frisky.
Hello, Leonidas.
(laughs)
Wow, is it hot in here?
(laughs)
Okay, Portia, Portia,
women, women, women.
Women, you like
women. (laughs)
I can see by your-
your reaction, you're not amused.
It's the same reaction anyone
who went to see Mr. Wrong had.
Uh, let's play a game-
maybe we could play a game.
How about "Who Sneezed?"
(laughs)
It's a real easy game.
We close our eyes
and someone sneezes...
and you guess who.
(laughs)
If it was you, you win- 'cause
obviously, you know. (laughs)
Listen, chill out.
Let's just dance, shall we? Come on.
- (dance music playing)
- That's right. Oh, boy.
(laughs): Okay.
There you go, you're
getting the hang of it.
- You know, back and forth-
- No, I can't do this!
(screams)
Yo mama's so ugly, if she was...
on the Spice Girls,
her name would be...
Dookie Spice!
Doo-doo!
Leonidas. (chuckling)
You should try Scientology.
I'm gonna set Katie free.
BOTH: Yes!
I had to buy
a million and one glitters...
with my own money,
and I had to buy-
(quavering):
I put them on by hand, Simon...
and my reputation is all I have,
and for you to sit here...
telling me that
I'm not intennigent-
inte-
that I'm not intenni-
- Let me start over.
- Intelligent. Yeah.
- Hang on.
- Intelligent. Yeah.
- DANE COOK: I looked everywhere.
- (groans)
Don't you hate when you're
on an airplane, you know...
and the captain's, like,
"If you look out the window...
to your left, you're gonna
see another plane"?
Am I right? See what
I'm talking about?
Another plane? Right?
Don't you hate when you're
in the supermarket...
you know, and you're in aisle three.
And, like, " Clean up
on aisle three."
You know? And you're, like,
"What am I doing here?"
I'm in aisle three, huh? Right?
You're all my fans, right?
You all love me, right?
Who saw Employee of the Month?
Okay, that's cool.
Right? Yeah, what's up, Leonidas?
Super fingers to you.
No.
(smacking, whooshing)
Super fingers...
to you, Dane Cook!
(grunts)
This is a metaphor for my career.
You're off my MySpace page.
I'm really 42.
(relieved sigh)
Sorry, I didn't hear
what you said...
(British accent): because
I can't understand you...
'cause you talk like this.
Your mama's such
an old sloppy drunk...
I thought she was David Hasselhoff.
- (laughter)
- Yeah!
From Knight Rider.
Dinaladas, do-
Dot- Dingalidas, Dingalidas...
Dingledangle, do...
leg squats, and then
you will be a star...
you will be a star.
(whispering inaudibly)
The last episode of Sopranos
was most disappointing.
I mean, did Tony get whacked
or live or what?
What happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
You just-You keep doing
the thing you do...
'cause... the do is thing you do.
# Hey, DJ, turn me out #
#You gotta keep me movin'
till the moon goes down #
# If you want to show me,
get below me #
# Shake your thing
till you don't feel lonely #
# Hey, mister, break it down #
#You're a B-Boy
that nearly hit the ground #
#You could play it real cool,
act the old school #
#Jump around until
your act is so cool #
# Clap your hands
if you're feelin' me #
# One to the two,
two to the three #
# Clap your hands
if you're in the mix #
# Four to the five,
five to the six #
##
# Hey, DJ, turn me out #
#You gotta keep me movin'
till the moon goes down #
# If you want to show me,
get below me #
# Shake your thing
till you don't feel lonely #
# Hey, mister, break it down #
#You're a B-Boy
that nearly hit the ground #
#You could play it real cool,
act the old school #
#Jump around until
your act is so cool. #
(song ends)
(chorus sings noble,
triumphant theme)
(orchestration joins in,
accompanying chorus)
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(orchestra playing suite
of dramatic themes)
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(rifle cocking,
blade scraping)
(low voice): When you're pushed,
killing's as easy as...
(higher pitch): dancin'.
(dance music plays)