[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
WOMAN: IF WE ONLY REMEMBER
THE GOOD THINGS
ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE LOVE,
WHAT DO WE LOSE?
MY GRANDMOTHER CARMEN WAS
THE UNOFFICIAL FAMILY ARCHIVIST.
SHE DIDN'T JUST KEEP THE FAMILY
HISTORY, SHE WROTE IT.
AFTER MY UNCLE MIGUEL DIED IN
1987, SHE MADE THIS SCRAPBOOK.
THIS IS HOW SHE REMEMBERED HIM.
THE TALENTED YOUNG ACTOR,
HEADED FOR BROADWAY.
THE MIGUEL IN THIS SCRAPBOOK
SEEMS LIKE THE SON
MY GRANDMOTHER WANTED.
NOT THE ONE SHE HAD.
I HAVE ONLY ONE MEMORY OF HIM.
I WAS 6 YEARS OLD.
HE CAME FROM NEW YORK
FOR A SURPRISE VISIT.
AND I DON'T REMEMBER
HOW LONG HE STAYED,
BUT IT WAS LONG ENOUGH
TO GET AN IMPRESSION
OF THIS FUN, CHARMING,
SEDUCTIVE GUY.
AND THEN THAT WAS IT.
6 MONTHS LATER, HE WAS DEAD.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
WOMAN: HELLO?
WOMAN 2: HOLA, MAMA,
COMO ESTAS?
MAMA, THERE'S SOMETHING
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT.
ABOUT TIO MICKEY WHEN HE DIED?
I WANT TO JUST...I WANTED
TO KNOW WHAT YOU REMEMBER.
MAMA: I REMEMBER BEING
IN TOUCH WITH HIM
THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED.
AND, UH...MIGUEL WAS VERY SICK.
HE SHOWED ME SOME SPOTS
HE HAD ON HIS LEGS
AND TOLD ME IT WAS CANCER.
UM, I--I SAW A RING
THAT HE WAS WEARING, UM,
AND I SAW THAT MY MOTHER
WAS VERY UPSET ABOUT HIM,
UM, NOT GIVING UP
HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ROBERT.
AND INSISTING THAT HE REPENT.
WOMAN: SO, THEN,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
MAMA: HER STORY WAS THAT MIGUEL
WENT TO CONFESSION
BEFORE HE DIED.
HE HAD REPENTED AND WAS
RECEIVED IN HEAVEN.
WOMAN: DOESN'T IT TROUBLE YOU?
MAMA: WHAT...WHAT...WHY
SHOULD IT TROUBLE ME?
WOMAN: BECAUSE IF IT'S TRUE,
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED?
WOMAN: I NEED YOU TO PLEASE
STATE YOUR NAME.
MAN: MIGUEL DIEPPA.
WOMAN: OKAY MIGUEL I WANT YOU TO
TELL ME WHERE YOU COME FROM.
MIGUEL: I COME FROM
SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO,
AH, IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE CARIBBEAN SEA.
WOMAN: TELL ME WHAT IT'S LIKE.
MIGUEL: WELL, IT'S
A TROPICAL ISLAND.
IT'S NOT VERY BIG.
IT'S ALL VERY LUSH
AND VERY LOVELY.
WOMAN: DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY?
MIGUEL: YES, UH,
MY PARENTS, OF COURSE.
I HAVE AN OLDER BROTHER
WHO'S GETTING MARRIED NOW
AND I HAVE A SISTER WHO'S 26
AND I JUST FOUND OUT YESTERDAY
SHE'S GOING TO HAVE A BABY.
[LAUGHS] THIS IS THE THIRD
FOR HER, WHICH IS REALLY GOOD.
[SIGH]
I'M GOING TO BACKTRACK
ALL THE WAY TO THE MOMEN WHEN SOMEONE CALLED
AND TOLD ME...
I DON'T KNOW WHO CALLED ME...
WHO TOLD ME
THAT MIGUEL HAD DIED.
I MET MY PARENTS IN PUERTO RICO
FOR THE FUNERAL.
IT WAS SAD TO KNOW
THAT ROBERT WAS THERE.
MY MOM WASN' TOO HAPPY ABOUT IT,
BUT--BUT PAPI INSISTED
THAT--THAT IT WAS
THE RIGHT THING
FOR ROBERT TO BE THERE.
AND, UH--BUT--BUT HE JUS KEPT OFF TO ONE SIDE
AND HE DIDN'T--
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REMEMBER HIM
BEING PART OF...
OF OUR GROUP FOR SOME REASON.
SO, THAT WAS IT.
AND WE SAID GOOD-BYE
AND WE WENT HOME AND WE NEVER
SAW OR HEARD FROM ROBERT AGAIN.
WOMAN: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAS HAPPENED TO ROBERT NOW?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
I DON'T REMEMBER HIS LAST NAME.
AND EVERYBODY THAT I'VE ASKED,
NOBODY REMEMBERS HIS LAST NAME.
AND--[LAUGHTER]
TELL THEM, LOOK, THIS IS...OK,
WE'RE GOING TO GET TO
THE SERIOUS PART HERE.
I THINK WE'VE REACHED A POIN WHERE THERE'S A NEW--
A NEW MORALITY INVOLVED.
IT'S LIKE, GOD,
WHEN IS IT GOING TO HAPPEN?
OK, UM, CHRISTMAS EVE,
I'M AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE
AND I LOOK ON FACEBOOK AND I SEE
A GROUP OF MY FRIENDS.
AND THEY'RE DISCUSSING OF, YOU
KNOW, THIS FILM ABOUT MIGUEL.
I WENT INTO SHOCK.
I READ I AND THEN I CLOSED IT UP AND I
REFUSED TO TALK--TO SEE IT.
SO, I CALLED BOB, RIGHT?
I CALLED HIM IN CALIFORNIA
AND I SAID, "BOB.
GO TO FACEBOOK NOW."
AND HE GOES, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN
GO TO FACEBOOK?
I DON'T HAVE A FACEBOOK."
I GO, "GO TO THE COMPUTER NOW
AND HIT, UM,
"HIT, UM, CECILIA ALDARONDO.
HIT MIGUEL DIEPPA."
SO, YOU KNOW, HE GOOGLES I AND HE GETS THIS
AND HE STARTS, "OH, MY GOD!"
YOU KNOW, FREAKING OU AND I SAID,
"SHE'S DOING A FILM."
AND HE GOES, "WELL,
WHAT IS IT ABOUT?"
I SAID, "YOU SHOULD CALL HER.
SHOULD CALL HER.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR YOU."
AND SAYS, "OK, I'M
GOING TO CALL HER."
[TELEPHONE RINGING]MAN: HELLO?
CECILIA: HI. IS THIS ROBERT?ROBERT: HOW ARE YOU?
CECILIA: I'M GOOD.
I MEAN, I'M--
I'M A LITTLE SHOCKED.
ROBERT: I'VE OFTEN
WONDERED HOW LONG
IT WOULD TAKE SOMEONE
TO REACH ME.
I KEPT IN THE BACKGROUND
PURPOSELY.
CECILIA: REALLY?ROBERT: YES, I DID.
CECILIA: TO GET THIS MESSAGE
IN THIS WAY IS ABSOLUTELY...
ROBERT: A DREAM COME TRUE.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL
VINDICATED FINALLY.
CECILIA: MY WHOLE FAMILY IS--
IS GOING TO BE THRILLED
TO HEAR ABOUT THIS,
INCLUDING MY MOTHER, REALLY.
ROBERT: OH, I FIND THAT HARD
TO BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR MOTHER
BECAUSE...SHE WAS SO...NASTY
TO ME, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I WAS ALWAYS
THE OUTCAST, YOU KNOW?
CECILIA: RIGHT.
ROBERT: I WAS THE DEVIL.
I WAS THE PERSON
WHO MADE HIM TURN GAY
AND ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF,
YOU KNOW?
MIGUEL WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
THE BEST FRIEND
I EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
AND WHEN HE DIED, IT PUNCHED
A HOLE IN MY HEART.
OH, MY GOD,
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
THIS IS TOO MUCH.
THERE'S SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO KNOW?
[TELEPHONE DIALING]
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
ROBERT: FATHER AQUIN.
CECILIA: HI.
IT'S CECILIA.
I'M DOWNSTAIRS.
ROBERT: I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN,
SWEETHEART.CECILIA: OK.
[ROBERT AND CECILIA SPEAKING]
THIS SOFA,
YOU SINK INTO IT.
CECILIA:
YOU COMFORTABLE?
YES, VERY.
MM-HMM.
SO, YOU HAVE SOME
THINGS TO SHOW ME.
YES.
WHERE DO YOU--WHERE
DO YOU WANT TO START?
I DON'T KNOW, ACTUALLY.
YEAH, I THINK I'LL START HERE.
BEFORE WE START, CAN YOU
TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOU WHAT ALL THIS IS AND...?
THESE ARE ALL
THE THINGS THAT--
THESE ARE VERY, VERY--
MY MEMORIES OF HIM.
THIS IS WHY I KEPT THEM,
YOU KNOW?
THESE ARE VERY PERSONAL
MEMORIES TO ME.
WELL...LET'S SORT OF
START AT THE BEGINNING.
I WANT TO KNOW...
HOW WE MET?
YEAH.
HOW DID YOU
MEET MIGUEL?
WELL, I WAS WITH 4 FRIENDS
AT A GAY BAR IN MANHATTAN.
AND WE WERE SITTING AT--
THEY HAD LITTLE TABLES.
IT WAS GEORGE AND HARRY AND--
I CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.
THEY'RE ALL PASSED AWAY
FROM AIDS, ALL OF THEM.
AND, UH, MICHAEL CAME IN AND HE
JUST CAME OVER TO THE TABLE.
HE SAID, "WHAT'S SO
FUNNY OVER HERE?"
AND I SAID, "OH, WE'RE JUS HAVING A GOOD TIME.
DO YOU WANT TO JOIN US?"
AND HE SAID, "SURE."
SO, HE SAT DOWN WITH US
AND WE JUS BLOSSOMED FROM THERE.
MICHAEL AND I HAD A RELATIONSHIP
FROM '75 TILL '87.
THAT'S A LONG TIME.
LONGER THAN PEOPLE THOUGHT.
THIS IS MIKE AND I.
THERE'S MY RED GLASSES.
I HAD EVERY COLOR
OF THE RAINBOW.
I HAD THEM BEFORE
SALLY JESSE RAPHAEL.
MICHAEL HATED THOSE
RED GLASSES ON ME.
HE DID.
THAT WAS AT HIS GRADUATION.
THEY DIDN'T KNOW I WAS THERE.
I WAS IN THE BACK.
WHAT THEY DON'T KNOW
DIDN'T HURT THEM.
THIS IS WHEN HE--
THIS IS THE LAST TIME
HE WENT TO THE ISLAND
RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED.
THIS--HE WEN AT CHRISTMAS TIME.
THAT WAS THE ONLY CHRISTMAS
WE DID NOT SPEND TOGETHER.
CECILIA: WHEN I FIRST MET AQUIN,
HE HAD A BOX OF MIGUEL'S THINGS.
THE MATERIAL REMAINS
OF MIGUEL'S OTHER LIFE.
YOU'RE ALWAYS GRATEFUL
YOU'RE ALWAYS WONDERING
WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
AND SHE WALKS IN
AND STILL YOU'RE SORRY
AND STILL YOU'RE GRATEFUL...
CECILIA: IN THAT BOX,
MIGUEL'S WALLET.
IT HAD ALL THE STANDARD
THINGS IN IT.
I.D. CARDS, CREDIT CARDS.
BUT IN THIS WALLET I FOUND
A TROUBLING DETAIL.
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY
CALLED HIM MICHAEL.
WHO WAS THIS MICHAEL?
HE DIDN'T WAN TO BE CALLED MIGUEL.
HE WANTED TO BE CALLED MICHAEL.
I SAID, "OK."
WHY DO YOU
THINK THAT WAS?
I HAVE--BECAUSE
HE DIDN'T WAN TO BE ASSOCIATED
WITH HIS PARENTS.
AT THAT POINT WHEN HE FIRST--
WHEN I FIRST MET HIM,
HE WAS REALLY ANGRY
AT HIS PARENTS.
REALLY ANGRY AT HIS PARENTS.
DID MIGUEL EVER TALK ABOU LEAVING PUERTO RICO?
LIKE WHAT IT FELT LIKE
NOT TO BE THERE ANYMORE?
NEVER SPOKE ABOUT IT.
SO, THESE ARE THE PLAYS
HE WAS WRITING.
OH, YEAH--
ONE'S "CARMEN WHO."
ONE'S "CARMEN AND THE LADY
IN THE TUTTI-FRUTTI HAT."
AND ONE, WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?
"FLOWERS FROM AMERICA."
"FLOWERS FROM
THE AMERICAS."
SO, DO YOU FEEL EQUALLY
ATTACHED TO ALL OF THESE?
MM-HMM. IF YOU PROMISE
THAT YOU'RE GOING
TO PUBLISH THOSE,
IF YOU PROMISE ME IN WRITING
WITH YOUR SIGNATURE...
BUT WHAT IF I CAN'T?
WELL, DO YOU WAN TO PUBLISH THEM?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S IN THEM!
IT'S STORIES.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!
DID YOU NOT SEE HOW
BEAUTIFULLY HE WROTE?
LOOK AT HIS WRITING!
MAN: ISLAND FEVER.
I GUESS THAT'S
THE DIAGNOSIS FOR MY CASE.
I KNOW IT'S NOT ON YOUR
REGULAR LIST OF TROPIC DISEASES,
AS SONDHEIM IS
SO FOUND OF SAYING.
BUT I UNDERSTAND IT NOW.
IT'S THAT FEELING
THAT CREEPS UP
ON THOSE WHO HAVE KNOWN
WIDER SPACES OR LONG TO DO SO.
IT IS A FEAR THAT ONE'S BRAIN
WILL BE SURROUNDED BY WATER
IF ONE STAYS HERE TOO LONG.
THOSE WHO ARE NOT NATIVES
AND CATCH ISLAND FEVER
EITHER LEAVE AND RETURN
TO THE MAINLAND
OR THEY STAY
AND BECOME ALCOHOLICS.
THOSE WHO ARE CAN EXPEC A FACE WORSE THAN DEATH.
THEY MOVE TO NEW YORK.
CECILIA: SMALL PLACES
LIKE PUERTO RICO
HAVE A SPECIAL WAY
OF MAKING YOU CRAZY.
I'VE SEEN IT ALL MY LIFE.
EVERYONE WANTING TO LEAVE.
EVERYONE WISHING THEY'D STAYED.
AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN IT,
PUERTO RICO HAS SEEMED TO BE
A PLACE CAUGHT...
BETWEEN THE PRESSURE
TO DEVELOP ON THE ONE HAND,
TO BE LIKE THE AMERICANS,
AND ON THE OTHER HAND,
AN ANXIETY TO CLING
TO THE OLD WAYS.
TO TAKE REFUGE IN THE CHURCH.
TO INSIST ON THE POWER
OF FAMILY.
MIGUEL GREW UP
IN A SCHIZOPHRENIC PLACE.
BUT WHEN HE GOT TO NEW YORK,
I DON'T THINK
HE LEFT IT BEHIND.
A LITTLE WHILE AGO,
I FOUND A LETTER.
NOT IN AQUIN'S BOX, BUT AMONG
MY GRANDMOTHER'S THINGS.
MIGUEL WROTE IT YEARS
AFTER HE LEFT HOME.
WHO DID MIGUEL WANT TO BE?
THE STRAIGHT GUY?
THE PUERTO RICAN WITH
NO DISCERNIBLE ACCENT?
HOW CAN YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE
IF THE PLACE WHERE
YOU'RE COMING FROM
DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS?
WOMAN: OKAY MIGUEL I WANT YOU TO
TELL ME, HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN
HERE.
MIGUEL: WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE
MAINLAND SINCE AROUND 1972, '73.
AH, SO, THAT'S
ABOUT 6 YEARS NOW.
WOMAN: TELL ME A LITTLE BI ABOUT THINGS THAT YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN.
MIGUEL: WELL,
BESIDES THEATER--
I MEAN, BESIDES THE OBVIOUS,
I'M INTO THEATER.
OH, GOD.
[NO AUDIO]
MY RELATION TO MIGUEL, OR WHA I CALL--I CALL HIM MICHAEL.
UM, WE WERE NEIGHBORS
ON 62ND STREET IN THE 1980S.
I REALLY FELT LIKE
BOB AND MICHAEL WERE--
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER, MY FATHER,
MY BROTHER, MY COUSINS.
THEY WERE ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE
IN MY LIFE AS FAMILY.
IT WAS A VERY ARTSY GROUP
ONCE MICHAEL CAME
INTO THE PICTURE.
THERE WERE DANCERS,
THERE WERE ARTISTS.
EDITH BEALE USED TO LIVE
IN THE BUILDING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HEARD
ABOUT--DO YOU KNOW EDITH BEALE?
GREY GARDENS? YEAH.
LITTLE EDIE.
SHE LIVED ON THE FIFTH FLOOR.
SHE KNEW BOB.
ROBERT! HA HA!
SHE CALLED HIM ROBERT!
SHE HAD A CRUSH ON BOB.
MIGUEL WAS A MENTOR,
A FRIEND, A BROTHER.
HE'D HAVE AN IDEA TO--
LET'S DO A SHOW!
AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
MIGUEL'S DIRECTING AND PRODUCING
AND WE'RE ALL INVOLVED,
AND IT WAS ALL MIGUEL.
WOMAN: HE LIVED AND BREATHED
THE THEATER.
HE WANTED TO SHARE THAT.
ROBERT: MICHAEL
WAS JUST PURE FUN.
WE'D LAUGH UNTIL WE COULDN' LAUGH ANYMORE.
MY SIDES USED TO HUR FROM LAUGHING.
WE WOULD SMOKE GRASS AND HE--
WE WOULD LAUGH AND LAUGH.
WE'D SMOKE BEFORE
HIS FATHER CAME ONE TIME.
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT!
CECILIA: DID YOU
DO DRUGS TOGETHER?
YEAH!WHAT KIND OF DRUGS?
UM...WELL, YOU KNOW,
MIGUEL AND I HAD
A FONDNESS FOR POT BACK THEN.
AND, UM, AND THEN THEY
SORT OF INTRODUCED, WELL,
I HAD BEEN INTRODUCED
TO COCAINE BEFORE THEN.
COME ON, IT WAS
EARLY EIGHTIES IN NYC.
BOB WORKED AT BARS AND HE WOULD
GET TIPPED IN DRUGS.
SO, UM, HE WOULD COME HOME
FROM WORK AND "HEY, SURPRISE!
LOOK WHAT I GOT TIPPED!"
SHANE: AND MICHAEL WAS SORT OF
THE PATRIARCH, YOU KNOW.
HE WAS--HE KIND OF
HELD THE GROUP TOGETHER
AND HELD BOB TOGETHER.
WELL, THIS IS A GIF THAT MICHAEL GAVE ME.
THIS--I--THIS WAS THE FUN--
THIS IS CUTE.
THIS IS REALLY CUTE.
THERE WAS NOTHING
I WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
NOTHING.
I TOLD HIM A MILLION TIMES.
YOU NAME IT.
I WOULD JUMP OFF
THE BRIDGE FOR YOU.
I WOULD JUMP WITH YOU,
WITHOUT YOU.
THIS HE GAVE TO ME, HE WROTE
THAT IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
EVERYTHING HE HAD
HAD HEARTS ON IT.
"I LOVE YOU
TO THE MOON AND BACK."
MICHAEL USED TO ALWAYS
TELL ME THAT.
HE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT.
LOURDES: THERE WAS SO MUCH
LOVE AND DEVOTION.
THEY HAD THEIR ARGUMENTS, BU THEY HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP
AND THEY LOVED
ONE ANOTHER, YOU KNOW,
WHETHER, UM, YOU KNOW,
THE INTIMACIES
OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP,
I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
IN THAT, I DON'T.
ROBERT: IT WAS A VERY
SHORT-LIVED SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP.
TRUST ME.
I SAID,
"YOU HAVE TO BE YOU,
YOU ARE YOUNG.
"YOU HAVE TO LET OU YOUR FEELINGS.
"GO OUT.
GO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
"I'LL BE HERE.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO,
BUT DON'T EVER BRING
A SEXUAL PARTNER BACK HERE."
SHE HAD A LOT OF FREEDOM
BECAUSE BOB WORKED NIGHTS--
UH, TO BE WHOEVER
HE WANTED TO BE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE, A LOT OF
RELATIONSHIPS ARE LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, UM, ESPECIALLY,
I THINK, IN THE MALE COMMUNITY.
ROBERT: HE WAS A CREATURE
OF THE NIGHT, I CALLED HIM.
BECAUSE HE WENT OU AT NIGHT TO GAY BARS.
DOWN TO THE VILLAGE,
TO THE LEATHER BARS,
AND THEN HE CAME HOME.
HE WAS INTO THE DARK SIDE.
HE REALLY WAS.
MICHAEL WOULD GET DRESSED UP
AND, YOU KNOW...
NOT LEATHER LIKE HE WAS
GOING TO BEAT SOMEBODY UP,
BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE HE WAS,
LIKE, GOING DOWNTOWN.
HE WAS GOING WHERE
THE REAL PEOPLE WERE.
SO--YOU KNOW, HE'D WEAR HIS
LEATHER JACKET, HIS BOOTS.
YOU KNOW.
BUT I WOULDN'T SAY
THAT HE WAS, LIKE,
WALKING AROUND, LIKE,
WITH CHAPS AND ALL THIS
OTHER STUFF.
HE MAY HAVE, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT WOULD
HE WEAR?
LEATHER CHAPS AND JACKE AND A CAP
AND BOOTS AND ALL THA KIND OF STUFF.
I GUESS I KNEW MICHAEL BY DAY.
I'M--I'M A BACHELOR, SO, IT'S
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR ME.
I...WOMAN: BUT YOU HAVE
GOOD FRIENDS AND...
I HAVE CLOSE FRIENDS
AND MY FAMILY.
[CHUCKLES] SO MIGUEL.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
THAT'S THE WAY HE WAS.
HE WAS HOMOPHOBIC
ABOUT HIMSELF.
HE WAS.
AND HE PLAYED SUCH
A STRAIGHT ROLE DURING THE DAY.
ESPECIALLY AT LOBAR FRIEDMAN.
I WOULD GO MEET HIM
FOR LUNCH OCCASIONALLY.
HE'D SAY, "DON'T WAI FOR ME OUTSIDE HERE."
I SAID, "YOU CRAZY?
DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU?"
[CHUCKLES]
LOURDES: AT THE TIME THA HE AND MIGUEL WERE TOGETHER,
BOB WAS A BARTENDER.
LIVING THE GAY LIFE.
RICK: HE WAS KIND OF VOCAL
ABOUT HIS...
AT THAT POINT IT FELT--
ALMOST FELT LIKE
A REBELLIOUS THING
AGAINST RELIGION.
HE--HE WOULD EVEN, LIKE, ON THE
STREET DO CATCALLS TO THE NUNS.
HE'D, LIKE,
WHISTLE AT THEM AND STUFF.
I'D BE A LITTLE, YOU KNOW,
CATHOLIC BOY GOING,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
STOP WHISTLING AT THE NUNS!"
HE GOES, "AHH,
THEY'RE HYPOCRITES."
LIKE, WHAT?
AND HE GOES, "I CAN SAY THAT.
I WAS A MONK."
ROBERT: I BECAME A PRIES IN 1967?
AND I LEFT ABOUT 1974.
I KEPT MY FAITH.
I NEVER GAVE IT UP.
I LIVED MY DAILY PRAYERS.
I DID EVERYTHING I NORMALLY DID
IN THE MONASTERY.
I FOUND COMFORT IN PRAYER.
I DID.
SO DID
MY GRANDMOTHER.
I KNOW.
I KNOW.
BUT SHE--SHE TOOK IT TO ANOTHER
LEVEL IS WHAT SHE DID.
I WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING
THAT I FOUND WITH YOU,
WHICH IS A LETTER
FROM MY GRANDMOTHER.
SHE WROTE THIS LETTER
AND--AND THIS
WAS ACTUALLY,
IT'S DATED
JULY 28, 1987.
SO, THIS IS 3 MONTHS
AFTER HE DIED.
"DEAR BROTHER IN CHRIST,
"HE HAD BEEN LIVING A LIFE
AWAY FROM THE LORD
DURING THE PAST 7 YEARS."
SHE KNEW IT.
"BUT I ALWAYS KNEW
THAT CHRIST'S LOVE FOR HIM
"WAS EVEN GREATER THAN MINE.
"I WAS WITH HIM DURING
THE LAST MONTHS OF HIS ILLNESS.
HE DIED FROM CANCER."
THAT'S A LIE.
HE DIED FROM AIDS.
HE DID.
I--HE HAD AIDS.
[SIGH]
"AND I SAW GOD'S GLORY
THE DAY HE REPENTED
AND ASKED FOR A PRIEST."
SHE HAS SUCH A TWISTED,
CONTORTED VIEW OF GAY PEOPLE
AND WHAT GOD IS AND HATRED.
GOD DOESN'T HATE.
GOD IS A GOD OF LOVE.
[SIGH]
[CLICKING]
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CARMEN SPEAKING SPANISH]
CECILIA: MY GRANDMOTHER WAS THE
SPIRITUAL CENTER OF MY FAMILY.
EVERYTHING I LEARNED ABOUT HOW
TO BE GOOD, I LEARNED FROM HER.
WHEN I WAS 15,
I HELPED HER DIE.
AND WHEN SHE DIED,
EVERYONE WHO KNEW HER SAID,
"THERE GOES A SAINT."
WOMAN: MY MOTHER WAS BROUGHT UP
TO BE A GOOD CATHOLIC WOMAN
AND TO BE A FAITHFUL SERVANT,
AND SHE LIVED AND DIED BY THAT.
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
NYLDA: WHEN SHE WAS A TEENAGER,
SHE HAD AN EAR INFECTION
AND SHE WAS VERY, VERY ILL.
THE NUNS WERE PRAYING FOR HER
AND HER MOTHER PROMISED
THAT IF SHE SURVIVED, THAT SHE
WOULD NEVER WALK AGAIN.
SO, THE NEXT MORNING,
WHEN THE DOCTOR CAME,
HE FOUND THA MY MOTHER WAS CURED.
THAT THERE WAS NO REMNANTS
OF THE ILLNESS IN HER.
AND HE PROCLAIMED IT A MIRACLE.
SO, MY GRANDMOTHER
NEVER WALKED AGAIN
AND MY MOTHER LIVED TO FEEL
GUILTY FOR THAT.
AND TO BE THE BEST DAUGHTER
THAT SHE COULD BE
BECAUSE HER MOTHER
HAD GIVEN UP
SOMETHING VERY IMPORTAN FOR HER LIFE.
SHE OWED HER THAT MUCH.
AND SHE OWED GOD
FOR SAVING HER LIFE.
[CHURCH BELL RINGING]
CARMEN: HOLY VIRGIN OF VIRGINS,
PRAY FOR US.
SORROWFUL MOTHER,
MOURNFUL MOTHER,
SIGHING MOTHER,
AFFLICTED MOTHER,
FORSAKEN MOTHER,
MOTHER OVERWHELMED BY GRIEF,
MOTHER CRUCIFIED IN THY HEART,
MOTHER BEREAVED OF THY SON.
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
HE WAS IN A VERY
DIFFICULT SITUATION.
HE HAD HIS OWN BELIEFS
AND HE HAD TO ARGUE WITH
MY MOTHER ALL THE TIME.
AND I KNOW THERE WAS
NO ARGUING WITH HER.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
CARMEN: THE UNIVERSALITY
OF SPIRITUAL WARFARE.
I AM THE RESURRECTION
AND THE LIFE.
THE ENEMY IS ACTIVE IN 1.
GROWTH OF CULTS AND THE OCCULT.
2. PORNOGRAPHY.
3. SEX CRIMES,
PERVERSION, AND VIOLENCE.
4. ABORTION,
PLEASURE, CONVENIENCE.
5. DENIAL OF GOD
IN HUMAN AFFAIRS.
IF YOU LAY DOWN YOUR DEFENSES,
YOU ARE IN THE HANDS
OF THE ENEMY.
[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
SHANE: HE WANTED TO BE AN ADUL WHO WAS ACCEPTED
IN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH SOMEBODY HE LOVED
VERY MUCH.
FOR MAMI, YOU KNOW,
THERE WAS NO...
SHE--SHE HAD
NO HATE FOR ROBERT.
SHE WAS FRUSTRATED.
SHE--SHE WAS PROBABLY ANGRY,
BUT...BU SHE DIDN'T WISH HIM BAD THINGS.
SHE WANTED HIS SOUL
TO BE SAVED.
SHE WANTED ALL THE SOULS
TO BE SAVED FOR JESUS CHRIST.
CECILIA: DON'T YOU THINK
THAT'S QUITE POSSIBLY
A FORM OF HATE, THOUGH?
I...I CAN'T GO THERE.
THEY HATED ME.
THEY REALLY DID.
THEY HATED ME.
WHEN I TELL YOU THEY HATED ME,
I MEAN THEY HATED ME.
AND THIS YOUR MOTHER WAS IN I AND HE CUT HER OFF.
HE CUT HER OUT OF IT.
SHE HER LEG THERE?
AND WHO CUT IT?
DID ROBERT CUT I OR DID MIGUEL CUT IT?
I THINK ROBERT CUT IT. HMM/
CECILIA: HE DIDN' SAY THAT.
HE SAID MIGUEL CUT IT?
HE WANTS TO HAVE
MIGUEL TO HIMSELF
AND HAVE HIS MEMORY BE
WHAT HE WANTS IT TO BE.
I HAVE THIS PICTURE.
I HAVE A COPY OF THIS PICTURE.
THAT'S MY LEG THERE.
I REALLY WAS SO INTO YOUR FATHER
AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM
THAT I HAD NO TIME
FOR ANYBODY ELSE.
SO, HE MUST HAVE FEL ABANDONED BY ME.
HOW DO YOU
FEEL KNOWING
THAT THIS
HAPPENED BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER
AND YOUR BROTHER?
I THINK THAT'S TERRIBLE.
I--I THINK IT SHOULD
NEVER HAVE HAPPENED.
I MEAN...I WOULD HAVE SAID
SOMETHING IF I HAD BEEN THERE.
AND WHERE WERE YOU?
I TOLD YOU WHERE I WAS.
I WAS JUST FOCUSING
ON MY HOME LIFE
WITH MY KIDS AND MY MARRIAGE.
AND...I...I COULDN' DEAL WITH ANYTHING ELSE.
I WASN'T THERE TO BACK HIM UP
OR HAVE HIS BACK OR WHATEVER.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THA I WAS CONDEMNING HIM.
MIGUEL THOUGH YOU WERE.
HE THOUGHT I WAS...
BUT HE DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.
HE NEVER SAID THAT TO MY FACE.
EITHER IN A PRIVATE CONVERSATION
OR A LETTER OR ANYTHING.
HE NEVER SAID THAT TO ME.
MAN: DEAR SISTER,
LOVE IS NOT SPITEFUL,
CONTEMPTUOUS, OR DEFIANT.
YOU CAN'T LET IT TRICKLE
NOW AND THEN,
WITHHOLDING IT AS PUNISHMEN FOR NOT BEING NORMAL.
THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THA IF YOU LOVED ME WHOLEHEARTEDLY,
YOU WOULD BE MOCKING EVERYTHING
YOU STAND FOR.
SO, IF YOU SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME
DESPITE THE FACT THAT I'M GAY
AND DESPITE THE FAC THAT I WON' GO ALONG WITH YOUR
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,
THEN YOU'RE SAYING
YOUR LOVE IS INCOMPLETE.
AND BELIEVE ME, I DON' LOVE YOU DESPITE ANYTHING.
THOUGH, HONESTLY, I STILL RESEN THE FACT THAT I WAS NEVER ASKED
TO BE A GODPARENT TO ONE OF YOUR
CHILDREN, AND WE BOTH KNOW WHY.
NYLDA: HE TOOK IT PERSONALLY.
HE TOOK IT AS A PERSON--
PERSONAL REJECTION OF HIM.
HE WAS IGNORANT.
HE HAD NO IDEA WHA I WAS GOING THROUGH.
I THINK HE'S...
HE'S PUTTING ON ME
A LOT OF THE THINGS
THAT BELONG TO MAMI
BECAUSE I NEVER FEL THAT CLEARLY
THE BLACK AND WHITE
THING THAT SHE DID.
I WAS NEVER TOTALLY SURE THAT--
THAT HOMOSEXUALITY WAS A SIN.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
I HAD TO PROTECT MY CHILD.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS JUST IN CASE.
THERE'S A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY
TO--TO LAY AROUND,
A LOT OF BLAME TO LAY AROUND.
AND THE SADDEST THING
IS THAT MY FATHER
COULDN'T STAND UP TO MY MOTHER.
AND THAT'S WHY HE CRIED
SO MUCH BEFORE HE DIED...
FOR NOT HAVING THE GUTS
TO DEFEND HIS SON.
BECAUSE HE KNEW THINGS
THAT I DIDN'T KNOW.
WOMAN: BUT FOR NOW, LOVE,
LET'S BE REAL
I NEVER THOUGH I COULD FEEL THIS WAY
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY
THAT I JUST DON'T GET IT
I DON'T KNOW
WHERE WE WENT WRONG
BUT THE FEELING'S GONE
AND I JUST CAN'T GET IT BACK
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
SHANE: I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER
WHERE--HOW I HEARD.
RICK: I THINK IT WAS MIGUEL
OR--OR SOMEONE CLOSE TO HIM.
BUT I THINK IT WAS MIGUEL.
SHANE: I DON'T KNOW
IF I HEARD IT FROM BOB
OR I ACTUALLY
HEARD IT FROM MICHAEL.
RICK: I REMEMBER HIM
TELLING ME A STORY ABOUT...
SHANE: WHAT I HEARD WAS THA MICHAEL WALKED INTO A BAR
IN PUERTO RICO
AND--AND SAW HIS FATHER.
LOURDES: I HEARD THAT THERE WAS
A BAR THAT HE WOULD FREQUEN THAT WAS CALLED BACHELORS.
RICK: HE SAID THAT HE WALKED
INTO THAT GAY BAR
AND HE SAW HIS DAD.
LOURDES: AND SAW YOUR
GRANDFATHER KISSING ANOTHER MAN.
RICK: WHEN HE SAW HIS DAD
IN A GAY BAR,
THAT THERE WAS A RECKONING.
SHANE: I DON'T REMEMBER WHETHER
MICHAEL GOT UP AND WALKED OU OR JORGE GOT UP AND WALKED OUT.
RICK: AND IT KIND OF
BLEW HIS WORLD APART.
[CECILIA SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[CECILIA SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OK. I--I MET JORGE
WHEN I MOVED TO WINTER PARK.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
WAS A NICE MAN.
HE WAS A COMPANION, SO,
WE DID THINGS TOGETHER.
WE WOULD GO OUT TO EAT.
WE LIKED TO GO
TO THE MACARONI GRILL.
SOMETIMES WE'D GO
OUT TO THE BARS.
CECILIA:
TO WHICH BARS?
TO THE GAY BARS.
AFTER YOUR--YOUR
GRANDFATHER PASSED AWAY,
YOUR MOM TOLD ME
THAT, UH, YOUR GRANDFATHER
KEPT WATCHING, UH,
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."
AND THEY HAD I ON THE--THE VIDEO
AND HE KEPT WATCHING IT,
AND EVERY TIME HE WATCHED IT,
THEN HE WOULD CRY.
AND SO, THEY WERE
TALKING ABOUT THAT TO ME
AND I THINK IT WAS
YOUR FATHER WHO SAID,
"WAS THERE ANY--WAS THERE
SOMETHING THERE?"
WONDERING WHY HE WAS CRYING
AND I'M NOT SURE IF HE WAS
OUTRIGHT ASKING ME
IF--IF JORGE WAS GAY OR NOT,
BUT I CONFIRMED IT.
I KNOW THAT, UH, HE COULD NEVER
SHARE WHO HE WAS TOTALLY
WITH THE FAMILY, BUT I USED
TO TELL HIM, I THINK THAT,
"YOUR--YOUR FAMILY IS REALLY,
IS YOUR TREASURE.
"YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD IT,
THE OTHER LIFE,
WHAT--WHAT WAS GOING TO COME
OF YOUR OTHER LIFE?"
BUT THE SAD THING IS THA YOUR--YOUR GRANDFATHER
NEVER SHARED WITH MIGUEL
THAT HE WAS GAY ALSO,
AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK HE FEL REALLY BADLY ABOUT THAT,
BUT I DON'T THINK HE--
HE KNEW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
I THINK THAT HE MUST HAVE FEL REALLY BAD AFTERWARDS
WHEN HE SAW THAT MOVIE--
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."
AND--AND HE SAW, YOU KNOW,
WHAT A LOVING RELATIONSHIP
COULD BE BETWEEN TWO MEN.
HE MUST HAVE WONDERED...
HE MUST HAVE WONDERED
SO MANY THINGS.
YOU COULD SAY THA HE WAS A HYPOCRITE,
BUT THEN AGAIN,
LOOK WHERE HE'S COMING FROM.
IN HIS CULTURE,
HE WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD
THE SUCCESS HE DID IN LIFE
IF HE HAD COME OUT.
HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BECOME
THE DIRECTOR OF COLLEGE BOARD.
HE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN
RECEIVED AS WELL AS HE DID
THROUGHOUT LATIN AMERICA
AND UNITED STATES
AND WHEREVER HE WENT.
IT WAS KEPT HIS SECRE AND THAT WAS HIS CHOICE.
I MEAN, WE ALL HAVE
SOME CRAZY SECRETS.
PARENTS HAVE SECRETS.
CHILDREN HAVE SECRETS.
AND I THINK THAT MAYBE
THAT BATTLE GOT SO EXAGGERATED
BECAUSE HIS FATHER COULDN' HANDLE THE MIRROR OF HIS SON.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH]
CECILIA: MY GRANDFATHER.
THE ONLY WAY I REALLY KNEW HIM
WAS THROUGH THE HOURS AND HOURS
OF MOVIES
THAT HE TAPED OFF THE VCR.
IN THE YEAR BEFORE HE DIED,
HE GOT WEIRDLY SENTIMENTAL.
HE WOULD SIT IN FRONT OF
MY MOTHER'S TV AND JUST CRY.
IT MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR ME
TO FEEL CLOSE TO HIM.
AND SO, ON THE DAY OF HIS
FUNERAL, I DUG UP A TAPE.
AND I SAT AND WATCHED I IN TRIBUTE TO HIM.
IF YOU TOUCH ME,
YOU'LL UNDERSTAND
WHAT HAPPINESS IS
LOOK, A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN
CECILIA: NOW I THINK ABOUT HIM
CRYING OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WHILE WATCHING
"BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"
AND I THINK...MAYBE HE WANTED
TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.
BUT WHAT IF HE DIDN'T?
MAN: AT THE TIME THA MIGUEL CAME UNDER MY CARE
WAS REALLY THE DAWN
OF THE AIDS EPIDEMIC
BOTH IN THE COUNTRY, BU CERTAINLY HERE IN NEW YORK CITY,
AND OF COURSE,
NOBODY KNEW WHAT IT WAS.
ONE OF THE NAMES
OF THIS NEW DISEASE
WAS WRATH OF GOD SYNDROME.
SHANE: IT WAS INTERPRETED
BY THE CHURCH
THAT THIS WAS, YOU KNOW,
THIS WAS GOD'S PUNISHMENT.
I THINK THERE WAS
A BIG PERIOD OF TIME
THAT THAT WAS
"WHAT WE DESERVED."
WOMAN: HOMOSEXUALS SAY
AIDS VICTIMS
ARE BEING
DISCRIMINATED AGAINST,
EVICTED BY LANDLORDS,
AND FEARED BY HEALTH WORKERS.
MAN: MORE CONTROVERSIAL
ARE PROPOSALS
TO FIND AND SEGREGATE
THOSE EXPOSED TO AIDS.
MAN 2: AMBULANCE DRIVERS HAVE
REFUSED TO TAKE AIDS PATIENTS
AND HOSPITAL WORKERS
HAVE REFUSED
TO TAKE CARE OF AIDS PATIENTS.
WOMAN: EVERY YEAR FOR 15 YEARS,
THE NEW YORK CITY COUNCIL
HAS CONSIDERED
A HOMOSEXUAL RIGHTS BILL
AND THEN REJECTED IT.
CATHOLIC LEADERS
HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED.
MAN: WE STRONGLY BELIEVE
THAT SUCH A RESUL WOULD SERIOUSLY UNDERMINE
THE MORAL EDUCATION
AND VALUES OF OUR YOUTH
AND THE STABILITY OF FAMILY
IN OUR SOCIETY.
[TITI NILDA SPEAKING SPANISH]
WAS IT AIDS?
WAS IT CANCER?
WAS IT WHAT IT WAS?
IT WAS ALWAYS TOP SECRE AND I THINK IT TOOK
A REALLY LONG TIME--
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER
IT TOOK A LONG TIME
FOR THEM TO ADMIT...YOU KNOW,
WE SAW THE MARKS ON HIS LEGS.
WE SAW HIM SUFFERING.
WE SAW...BUT NOBODY
WOULD SAY IT WAS AIDS
AND NOBODY REALLY ADMITTED
FOR A LONG TIME
AND I DON'T KNOW IF EVER THEY
ADMITTED THAT IT WAS AIDS.
HE HAD IT.
I KNOW HE HAD IT.
I SAW ALL MY FRIENDS
DYING OF AIDS ALL AROUND ME
AND I KNEW WHA THOSE MARKS LOOKED LIKE.
CECILIA: I HEARD
STORIES IN MY FAMILY
THAT MIGUEL NEVER
WANTED TO BE TESTED.
ROBERT: NO, HE DIDN'T.
MAN AS MIGUEL:
JANUARY 16, 1986.
AT APPROXIMATELY 9:30 A.M.,
DR. DONALD R. DRUSIN
CAME INTO MY ROOM
AND ASKED TO SPEAK
WITH ME PRIVATELY
IN A ROOM NEXT DOOR.
HE EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS
THE CONSENSUS OF THE TEAM
THAT THERE WAS TOO MUCH
AIDS RISK IN MY CARE
DUE TO THE FACT THAT I WAS GAY
TO PERFORM THE INTERVENTION.
HE SAID THAT IF I HAD
TAKEN THE AIDS TES AND PROVED NEGATIVE,
THEY WOULD FEEL BETTER.
I TOLD HIM THAT HE KNEW
MY STANDING ON THE TEST.
THAT I FELT IT WAS A BLACKLIS AND DIDN'T PROVE A THING.
ROBERT: HE WAS LONELY,
HE MISSED ME.
HE KEPT SAYING, "PLEASE COME."
I'D CALL--EVERY 5 MINUTES,
HE WOULD CALL ME AT HOME.
"ARE YOU COMING
TO THE HOSPITAL?
ARE YOU COMING
TO THE HOSPITAL?"
I SAID, "I'M COMING ALREADY.
GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA?
I'LL BE THERE IN 5 MINUTES."
MAN: MIGUEL HAD FEVER.
HE HAD SKIN CHANGES.
HE WAS CONSTANTLY HAVING
BLOOD-DRAWS AND TRANSFUSIONS
AND MEDICATION THA WAS MAKING HIM SICK.
ROBERT: MICHAEL'S RIGHT LEG
BLEW UP SO BIG WITH KAPOSI'S,
IT WAS LIKE HE DIDN'T HAVE--
IT WAS A MONSTROUS LEG.
IT WAS ALL PURPLE.
THEY STARTED OUT SMALL, PURPLE,
PURPLE, BROWN, AND THEY GOT TO
BIG, ROUND, UGLY,
UGLY, UGLY MARKS.
IT WAS LIKE SCALES.
I WENT, "PHEW."
I SHUDDERED WHEN I SAW THEM.
WOMAN: IT WAS JUS THIS BIG ALIEN PRESENCE.
ROBERT: HIS LIVER GAVE OUT.
HIS KIDNEYS GAVE OUT.
WOMAN: THERE WERE
SO MANY ELEMENTS
ATTACKING THIS MAN'S SYSTEM.
ROBERT: IT WAS
SO PAINFUL TO LOOK AT.
IT REALLY WAS.
IT WAS JUST SO UGLY.
HE WAS PETRIFIED.
HE PROBABLY KNEW,
THOUGHT THAT HE HAD AIDS.
LOURDES: HE KNEW
HE WAS GONNA DIE.
ROBERT: I WAS SO SORRY
HE GOT THIS.
A LOT OF I CAME TO THE SURFACE
AFTER MICHAEL GOT SICK
BECAUSE HIS PARENTS
WERE AROUND MORE.
AND HE WANTED THEM IN HIS LIFE
AND HE WANTED TO PLEASE THEM
AND HE--HE WANTED THEIR LOVE
AND THE SUPPORT AND HELP,
AND--AND BOB WANTED
TO BE EVERYTHING
BECAUSE HE WAS HIS LOVER.
ROBERT: YOUR GRANDPARENTS TRIED
TO STOP ME FROM SEEING MIGUEL
SEVERAL TIMES, ACTUALLY.
THEY TALKED TO THE DOCTORS,
BUT THEY DID NOT KNOW
THAT THE DOCTORS
CAME BACK TO ME AND TOLD ME.
AND THAT'S WHEN DR. DRUSIN
GOT THAT LETTER FOR ME.
THAT LETTER OF PERMISSION TO GO
SEE MIGUEL AT ANY TIME I WANT.
ANYTIME, 24 HOURS A DAY, I WAS
ALLOWED TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL.
AND I CARRIED I IN MY BACK POCKET.
SHANE: IT WAS A FAMILY WAR.
WHO WAS CONTROLLING WHAT,
WHEN, WHO?
YOU KNOW,
WHO LOVED MICHAEL MORE?
WHO DID MICHAEL LOVE MORE?
IT WAS VERY COMPETITIVE.
SHE WANTED HIM DEAD.
SHE WAS HAPPIER THAT HE WAS DEAD
THAN HE WAS ALIVE.
MY MOM DIDN'T WANT MIGUEL DEAD.
NO WAY.
NO WAY.
IF SHE COULD HAVE GIVEN
HER ARM--TWO ARMS,
IF SHE COULD HAVE
NEVER WALKED AGAIN
SO THAT MY BROTHER COULD LIVE,
SHE WOULD HAVE
NEVER WALKED AGAIN.
BUT SHE WOULD RATHER
SEE HIM SAFE IN HEAVEN
RATHER THAN HERE
IN THIS EARTH BEING TEMPTED.
SHANE: HE WAS SO TORN
THAT I THINK THAT HE WANTED
TO MAKE EVERYBODY HAPPY
AND HE WAS SO AFRAID
OF BOB'S REACTION,
OF HIS PARENTS' REACTION.
HOW--HOW DOES IT FEEL TO DIE?
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE YOUR
LIFE SLIPPED AWAY FROM YOU
AND YOUR MOTHER
TELLING YOU ONE THING,
ONE THING, ONE THING--
AND YOUR LOVER BEING
THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE?
ROBERT: SHE MADE HIM
GIVE ME BACK
THE FRIENDSHIP RING I GAVE HIM.
SHE TOLD HIM HE COULD
NOT GET INTO HEAVEN
IF HE HAD THAT RING
ON HIS FINGER
AND TO GIVE IT BACK TO ME.
SO, WHEN I WENT IN WHEN
SHE WASN'T THERE ONE DAY,
HE PUT IT IN MY HAND AND HE
CLOSED MY HAND AND HE SAID,
"GOD WILL NOT LET ME IN HEAVEN
WITHOUT--WITH THIS RING ON."
I SAID, "WHO TOLD YOU THAT?"
HE SAID, "MY MOTHER."
I SAID, "WELL, DON'T YOU KNOW
HOW MUCH OF A FOOL
SHE IS BY NOW?"
HE SAID, "BUT SHE TOLD ME."
I SAID, "MICHAEL..."
I SAID, "HOW CAN
YOU BELIEVE THAT?
"HOW COULD YOU
POSSIBLY BELIEVE THAT?
"THAT'S SO HYPOCRITICAL.
"GOD--YOU EVEN WROTE
THAT LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER
"SAYING GOD
DOES NOT DIS--DISCRIMINATE.
YOU KNOW?"
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
[SIGH]
I WENT INTO THE...
I WENT INTO THE--
I WENT INTO THE...
INTENSIVE CARE UNIT...
AND SHE HAD A CRUCIFIX
AS BIG AS,
THIS BIG LAYING ON HIS BODY.
I WENT INTO THE NURSE
AND I SAID,
"GET HER OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW
"AND GET THAT CRUCIFIX
OFF OF HIM.
IT'S KILLING HIM."
NYLDA: WHEN HE WAS DYING,
HE WAS TIED TO HIS BED
AND HE HAD
ALL THESE TUBES ALL OVER.
HE HAD HIS ARMS SPREAD OU LIKE HE WAS CRUCIFIED.
AND SHE WAS AT THE FOO OF THE BED AND SHE FELT LIKE
MARY AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS.
HE DID WHATEVER HE NEEDED
TO DO TO DIE IN PEACE
SO THAT HE COULD ACCEPT DEATH.
AND HOW DO YOU
PREPARE YOURSELF FOR DEATH
UNLESS YOU GIVE YOURSELF UP?
CECILIA: THERE'S THIS
SPACE IN MY IMAGINARY.
THIS SPACE OF STAINED GLASS
AND MUSIC AND RITUAL,
EASTER AND RESURRECTION
AND CHRIST AND MIGUEL
AND...I DON'T REMEMBER
TRAVELING TO PUERTO RICO.
I DON'T REMEMBER
THE FUNERAL HOME.
I DON'T REMEMBER
WHERE WE STAYED.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I WORE.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT TIME
THE FUNERAL WAS HELD.
I JUST REMEMBER...I REMEMBER
BEING IN THE CHURCH.
[MAN SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
AND I REMEMBER THE MUSIC.
AND IT SCARED ME, THAT SONG.
IT WAS SO...THE MELODY
WAS SO DARK AND DOUR,
AND I WAS 6 YEARS OLD.
I WAS SITTING...
STANDING THERE
NEXT TO MY GRANDFATHER.
I'M LOOKING UP AT HIM
AND HE HAS THIS BIRTHMARK,
THIS BIG BIRTHMARK
ON HIS CHEEK,
AND THE TEARS ARE JUS STREAMING DOWN HIS CHEEKS.
THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
ROBERT: I WAS
AT THE FUNERAL PARLOR,
I WAS JUST SITTING THERE.
THEY NEVER SAID
HELLO TO ME, NOTHING.
I WAS IN THE LAST--
THE LAST PEW.
THE BELLS STARTED RINGING
AT THE CHURCH
AND THEY BROUGHT THE CASKET IN.
I SAW THE BEGINNING
OF THE CASKE AND I JUST COLLAPSED
RIGHT ON THE FLOOR.
[SIGH]
ALL MY DREAMS HAD GONE.
EVERY--MICHAEL WAS GONE.
I WANTED TO GET OVER
JUST TO TOUCH THE COFFIN,
TO SAY GOOD-BYE, PUT MY HAND
ON IT AND SAY, "GOOD-BYE, PAL."
SO, I JUST PUT--I WENT,
"GOOD-BYE, PAL.
"I'LL SEE YOU.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE NEXT LIFE."
CECILIA: SO, ONE OF THE THINGS
I'M READING HERE...
"OTHER SURVIVORS INCLUDE
HIS MOTHER, CARMEN,
A BROTHER JORGE, 33,
AND A SISTER NYLDA, 35."
HOW DO YOU FEEL
WHEN YOU HEAR THAT?
HORRIBLE.
THERE'S NOT A MENTION
OF ME AT ALL.
THEY NEVER--IT WAS LIKE
I'D NEVER EXISTED.
SO, WHO ARE YOU
MOST ANGRY AT?
I DON'T KNOW AT TIMES.
I GET SO CONFUSED,
YOU KNOW?
I REALLY DO.
MICHAEL AT TIMES.
I SEE THAT FACE AND I GET ANGRY
SOMETIMES, REALLY ANGRY AT HIM.
BOB WAS VERY RAW
AFTER MIGUEL DIED.
EVERYTHING HURT.
EVERYTHING HURT.
IT'S LIKE THE HEAR WAS OUTSIDE OF HIS CHEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
RICK: WHEN PEOPLE ARE
DEVASTATED BY AN EVEN AND LOSE THE REASON--YOU KNOW,
ARE ASKING THEMSELVES "WHY?"
AND "WHY SHOULD I LIVE?"
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GE TO THAT DESPERATION,
SOMETIMES FAITH...
NYLDA: I THINK THA WITH ALL I KNOW NOW,
I WOULD HAVE DONE
SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT.
I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD
SAY I WOULD FEEL GUILTY,
BUT I KNOW I WAS WRONG.
I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF.
I--I HOPE MIGUEL
HAS FORGIVEN ME.
AND I--YOU KNOW, I DON' LOSE ANY SLEEP OVER IT ANYMORE.
ARE YOU ANGRY
AT YOUR MOTHER?
NYLDA: I'M SAD.
I'M SAD THA SHE SUFFERED SO MUCH
AND SHE MADE SO MANY
PEOPLE SUFFER.
I WOULD LIKE TO THINK THAT HER
THINKING WOULD HAVE EVOLVED
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF--
IF IT WOULD HAVE EVER.
SO, WHAT DO YOU HOPE
WOULD HAPPEN NOW?
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
I WOULD LIKE TO...
TO HAVE--HAVE AN--
AN OPPORTUNITY
FOR RECONCILIATION.
AN OPPORTUNITY FOR ME
TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM
FOR THE PAIN THA HE WENT THROUGH...
AND ASK HIM FOR FORGIVENESS.
YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE FOR HIS--
HIS PAIN TO BE HEALED.
HE CAN CHOOSE NO TO TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY
AND HE CAN CHOOSE TO REMAIN
BITTER AND ANGRY AND HURT.
BUT WHAT IF
HE CHOOSES TO HEAL?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
ROBERT: HELLO?CECILIA: HI. IT'S CECILIA.
ROBERT: CECILIA, WHOM?
CECILIA: YOU KNOW WHO I AM!
ROBERT: HA HA!
WHAT'S UP, KID?
CECILIA: MY MOM
ASKED ME TO CALL YOU
BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO, UM,
INVITE YOU TO COME VISIT.
ROBERT: OH, GOD.CECILIA: TO ORLANDO.
SHE HAS QUITE A LO OF AIRLINE MILES.
ROBERT: DON'T USE THEM ON ME,
USE THEM ON YOUR FAMILY.
CECILIA: WELL, SHE--SHE
WANTS TO USE THEM ON YOU.
ROBERT: AM I GOING
TO GET THE WHOLE--
MEET THE WHOLE FAMILY NOW?
CECILIA: IF YOU LIKE.ROBERT: OK.
CECILIA: THEY'D BE VERY HAPPY
TO MEET YOU.
[ROBERT LAUGHS]
ROBERT: OH, MY GOD.
IT'S LIKE SEEING CARMEN.
[BOTH LAUGH]
HOW ARE YOU?GOOD TO SEE YOU.
NICE TO SEE YOU, GOOD.OH, MY GOODNESS.
GOD, YOU LOOK
JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER,
YOU REALLY DO.
MY GOODNESS.
BUT I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT YOU A LONG TIME.
WELL, I'VE OFTEN WONDERED,
YOU KNOW, I'VE THOUGHT,
"WELL, WHEN ARE THEY GOING
TO CALL ME OR SOMETHING?
SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GET..."
I DIDN'T HAVE
YOUR INFORMATION.
I DIDN'T KNOW...
GOOGLE.
YOU GOOGLE MY NAME.
IT'S--
I DIDN'T EVEN
REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
DIDN'T SOUND RIGHT?I DIDN'T KNOW
THE LAST NAME.
AH, OK.
IT WAS LIKE
"ROBERT, ROBERT."
ROBERT: I'VE HAD A LOT OF TIME
TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.
AND I NEVER REALLY
FORGAVE MICHAEL.
AND I HAD SOMETHING--
I WAS LOOKING AT SOMETHING.
OH, THAT LITTLE, ROUND,
OVAL PHOTO, RIGHT THERE.
AND I LOOKED AT HIM AND I SAID,
"MICHAEL, FORGIVE ME.
I'M SO SORRY...
FOR BEING SO THOUGHTLESS."
CECILIA: SO, WHA DID THAT OPEN UP
FOR YOU, THAT MOMENT?
WELL, IT MADE ME REALIZE
I WAS STUPID FOR FEELING--
BEING THAT WAY.
BUT SEE...LIFE IS FOR
THE LIVING, YOU KNOW?
AND WE ARE THE PEOPLE
WHO SUFFER.
NOT MICHAEL.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
CECILIA: HELLO?
[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]
CECILIA: ARE YOU--UH,
ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW?
NYLDA: I CAN TALK FOR A MINUTE.
CECILIA: OK.
UH, SO, YOU KNOW, BASICALLY...
I'VE--I'VE BEEN
FEELING ALL ALONG LIKE
YOU WERE A BYSTANDER
TO THIS CONFLICT.
AND THAT YOU--YOU DIDN' DO ENOUGH FOR YOUR BROTHER,
AND--AND I'M REALIZING
THAT I'M--I'M HERE
TELLING THE STORY
ABOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE
AND I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING
ALL ALONG TO FIGURE OU HOW DO I--HOW DO I
FORGIVE EVERYONE?
HOW DO I FORGIVE MY GRANDMOTHER
FOR THE CHOICES SHE MADE?
HOW DO I FORGIVE AQUIN
FOR THE HORRIBLE THINGS
HE SAID ABOUT HER?
AND I'VE NEVER,
AND I'VE NEVER FORGIVEN YOU.
[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]
NYLDA: IT'S JUST SO HARD.
IT WAS... IT WAS MORE
COMPLICATED THAN... THAN YOU
ORIGINALLY THOUGHT.
CECILIA: YEAH, IT ALWAYS IS.
YOU KNOW, I FILMED THAT REUNION
WITH YOU AND--AND AQUIN.
AND IT'S SO STAGED.
YOU REMEMBER HOW
RIDICULOUS THAT WAS!
IT LOOKS LIKE
A PERFECT REUNION.
NYLDA: YEAH AND LIVE HAPPILY
EVER AFTER.
CECILIA: RIGHT.
HA HA!
NYLDA: YUP. YUP. YUP.
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
ELSE IN COMMON.
[NYLDA SPEAKING SPANISH]
THERE'S NOTHING
ELSE TO TALK ABOU CECILIA: DO YOU FEEL THAT WAY?
DO YOU EVER WANT TO CALL AQUIN?
NYLDA: NOT REALLY, I MEAN...
CECILIA: BUT ISN'T HE
YOUR FAMILY?
NYLDA: NO.
HE NEVER RECOGNIZED ME AS
FAMILY, I NEVER RECOGNIZED HIM
AS FAMILY.
CECILIA: YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES--
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
I'M ON A QUEST FOR JUSTICE
ON BEHALF OF
YOUR LITTLE BROTHER.
NYLDA: HUH, YOU KNOW...
WHY WAS MY LITTLE BROTHER SO
INVOLVED IN HIS OWN...
WHY DIDN'T HE TAKE CARE OF ME?
WHY DID I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF
HIM?
BECAUSE I WAS THE GIRL AND I WAS
THE OLDEST ONE?
HE COULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF ME,
I NEEDED HIM.
CECILIA: I'M SORRY, MAMA.
NYLDA: THE BOTTOM LINE IS, THA WE ALL NEED TO SURVIVE.
AND WE USED DIFFERENT WAYS OF
SURVIVING,
ACCORDING TO OUR GIFTS, OUR
LIMITATIONS AND OUR
CIRCUMSTANCES.
CECILIA: YEAH, BUT WHA I'M SAYING IS CAN'T WE SURVIVE
AND LOOK OU FOR OTHERS ARE WELL?
NYLDA: SOMETIMES WE CAN AND
SOMETIMES WE CAN'T.
MAN AS MIGUEL: I GUESS
I'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW
HOW THINGS WOULD HAVE
TURNED OUT FOR ME.
THAT'S THE ROAD NEVER TAKEN.
I ONLY WISH I COULD
SHARE IN THIS WITH OTHERS.
ALTHOUGH I KNOW
IT IS IMPOSSIBLE
TO TRANSFER THE WHOLE
OF MY EXPERIENCE,
I FEEL THAT I HAVE SOMEHOW
SEEN THE FACE OF GOD.
AND HAVING STARED AT DEATH,
I MUST ADMIT--
I MUCH PREFER HIS
TO DEATH'S...
WHATEVER AND WHOMEVER
GOD TURNS OUT TO BE.
SINCERELY, MIGUEL.