(Birds tweeting)
(Birds tweeting)
SOUND OF MUSIC: Overture.
(Tools hammering, lawnmower whirring)
(Music swells)
The hills are alive.
With the sound of music.
With songs they have sung.
For a thousand years.
The hills fill my heart.
With the sound of music.
My heart wants to sing
every song it hears.
My heart wants to beat
like the wings of the birds that rise.
From the lake to the trees...
Oh, no.
My heart wants to sigh...
But I was winni...
Like a chime that ies.
On a church on a breeze.
To laugh like a brook...
GIRL: Oh, no.
When it trips and falls
over stones on its way.
To sing through the night.
Like a lark who is learning to pray.
I go to the hills.
When my heart is lonely...
(Gasps)
Oh, my God! Mum's in the backyard!
BOTH: We know!
- Coral!
'Do you often feel
that life is not worth living?'.
Yes.
At 13, I attempted suicide
and jumped off the verandah
(squeals)
And just then Dad drove up.
He was knocked unconscious
for five minutes.
(Thinks) And this event is known as...
..The Disgrace.
And I'll sing.
Once more.
'Get your test results.'.
GIRL: Coral!
- I'm bipolar?!
(Banging at door)
Coral, Mum's gone off again.
- What? Gone off where?
- Off her head!
How do you solve a problem
like Maria?
The embarrassment is total!
You're the oldest, Coral! Do something!
I can't do anything. I'm mad too.
I'm bipolar. Maybe even schizophrenic.
Quick, Google 'schizophrenic'.
I have mood swings,
high-to-moderate depression
and I think people
are plotting against me!
Look, the only thing wrong
with you, Coral,
is you can't stand
if someone's more mental than you.
Girls, we are having dinner
at the table
as if we were a normal family.
Well, Mum's way more mental than you!
- We're more mental than you.
- I'm a socio-path, Leanne's autistic.
Other people eat dinner together,
so why not us?
- We looked it up.
- And they talk to each other.
They tell each other about their days...
- Even Michelle's more mental than you.
- She hears voices.
She told us! In her head!
LEANNE: And she thinks
she's being followed.
By aliens!
(Both laugh)
Top that, Coral.
When your father gets home,
Jane... can say grace.
Dad's not coming.
He hasn't had dinner with us
since The Disgrace.
JANE: Coral!
Dad hates us, Mum.
That's because we're not a real family.
But when we start acting like one...
telling each other about our days
and singing and dancing...
then he will want to be with us.
Singing and dancing? Who does that?
(Leanne laughs)
The Von Trapps.
Oh, no.
..Weiss
Bless my homeland forever...
I always wanted to be a Von Trapp -
sing Edelweiss,
wear little matching outfits.
Edelweiss...
Be a credit to Austria.
- Edelweiss.
- Edelweiss...
Somehow I got things wrong.
I... ruined... everything.
Small and white...
I've let you girls run wild.
Everyone says.
We're an embarrassment to your father.
Don't you see the way
people stare at us?
They're... they're staring at you, Mum.
Well, soon, they'll be staring in envy.
At our togetherness.
At our normality.
FAINT BREATHY VOICE: Michelle.
Michelle.
Michelle.
(Michelle pants heavily)
High on the hill was a lonely goatherd.
Lay-ee odle-lay-ee
odle-lay-hee-hoo...
Loud was the voice
(Car engine starts)
Of the lonely goatherd
Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-loo.
High on the hill was
a lonely goatherd
Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-lay-hee-hoo
Loud was the voice...
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Oh! Oh, dear. Ohh.
Oh! Argh!
(Crash!)
Oh... Oh.
Hi, Nancy.
Oh. Oh, dear.
Oh. Oh, no!
Oh, not again.
(Strains, laughs nervously)
'Course I... I said to myself,
'Don't run over the bins, Shirley.
Whatever you do,
don't run over those bins.'.
And, of course, what do I do?
I run over the bins.
At least I didn't run over your bins,
Nancy.
People in this neighbourhood
spend a lot of time and effort
in keeping their homes presentable.
I scrub my drive with a toothbrush.
But what's the point...
What is the point?
..When all I can think about is garbage
because of you and your bins?
You're a disgrace.
An absolute disgrace.
Nancy... sorry.
(Shrieks)
CORAL: 'While most schizophrenics
hear voices...'
I don't hear voices.
'..Some may briey stabilise
at a pre-psychotic level,
presenting without delusions
and hallucinations.'
I'm pre-psychotic.
(squeals)
(Laughs)
Hey, Trout. (Giggles) I'm pre-psychotic.
- You're a fuckin' freak.
- (Chuckles gawkily)
You're in charge of the shark show.
OK. Great. Cool.
What? What shark show?
The new one in the basement.
Trevor Blundell's Jaws Of Terror.
Woo!
(Phone rings)
Um, Trevor Blundell's Terrible Jaws.
MAN: That's 'Trevor Blundell's
Jaws Of Terror'.
Who cares?
This is Trevor Blundell.
Oh, sorry, Mr Blundell.
It's Coral Moochmore here.
Your new assistant.
Are you gonna fire me?
I wouldn't mind. I hate sharks.
You should hate sharks, Coral.
They're vicious, murdering thugs.
Did that big one
really eat a prime minister
or did you just make that up?
Grab a torch
and go to the great white, Coral.
I was only eight years old
when it attacked me boat.
It was me or him.
Go to the jaws.
It takes a great white three days
to digest a meal, Coral.
I killed him on 24th June 1968.
Harold Holt disappeared 23rd June.
What's that mean?
It means any prime minister
it ate for breakfast
was still in its
stomach when it died.
Now shine the light down its gullet.
I don't want to.
But you don't believe
there's anything there.
Do it, Coral. Look inside.
No.
Is that fear I hear in your voice?
Yeah.
Then tell me you believe
this is the shark that ate Harold Holt.
This is the shark that ate Harold Holt.
Good.
Now, you tell everyone else who comes in
the same thing.
Make 'em believe it too.
(Hangs up)
(Screams)
(Pants heavily)
It's a... it's a mask. It's a mask.
Ooh, ooh
Shoobie-doobie-doo.
Shoo-doobie-doo.
Hey, girls, are you livin'...
G'day, Mrs Moochmore. How are ya?
Oh, I'm fine, thank you. How are you?
Bet you want a big jam and cream
doughnut this mornin', don't ya?
SHIRLEY: Oh. Well, no.
Of course ya do.
And an iced coffee to go with it.
WAITRESS: An iced coffee.
- Just an iced coffee.
- No doughnut?
- No, not this morning.
Kay, Mrs Moochmore reckons she
doesn't want a jam and cream doughnut.
What are you talkin' about?
You always have
a jam and cream doughnut, Mrs Moo.
- She's pullin' your leg, Manda.
- No, I'm not.
KAY: Oh, we'll give you two.
She's dying for one.
No, really. I...
$5.50, Mrs Moochmore.
But I... I don't want it.
What are you talking about?
Gone to all this trouble.
MANDA: Enjoying that, Mrs Moochmore?
Oh, yes, thank you.
You want another one?
Oh... no, thank you.
- Moo.
- (Kay giggles)
- What?
WOMAN: Shirley.
- Mm? Oh!
- What are you doing?
You promised me no more fattening foods
Don't you care about your health?
(Kay and Manda laugh)
I do. I do.
Well, if you don't care,
how do you expect me to care?
Oh, I do care. And I care that you care.
I brought the girls.
They've just been glazed.
Oh.
(sighs)
Elizabeth the 1st.
For the competition.
I'm doing Elizabeth the 1st.
Now, feel Miriam's hair.
Go on.
Nylon.
Now feel Yvette's.
Feel the difference?
Human.
I want to do Elizabeth the 1st
with human hair.
Red human hair.
Do you think, um, Jane would like
to visit me this afternoon?
Jane? Oh, I'm sure she would.
I'll pick her up after school, then.
You know, I think I will have cream.
I don't think Barry loves me any more.
What? Well, did Barry say that?
Well, then, how do you know?
He never looks at me.
He never says anything to me.
He hasn't come home for two weeks.
Barry's got a lot on his mind
these days,
what with the election coming up.
I don't blame him
for not loving me any more.
- I know I've let myself go.
- Oh, no, stop that.
- I let the girls run wild.
- Well, I've always said that.
(Tearfully) I remind people of garbage.
- Who does?
- I do!
My bins do. (Sobs)
(Sobs)
Well, use that perfume I gave you
for Christmas - that L'Air du Temps.
- (Sobs)
- No, enough of that.
Uh... have another doughnut.
You said I shouldn't eat
any more doughnuts.
Well, if it cheers you up,
you can have a dozen doughnuts.
She'll have another doughnut.
MANDA: Jam and cream?
Uh, yes, why not?
My treat.
(Sobs inconsolably)
- Can't this wait till later?
- No!
(Continues sobbing)
No. Well... I'm sure everything's fine.
It's not fine!
I feel like I don't exist!
- Of course you exist. Everyone exists.
- I don't!
I sit here
and I eat doughnuts I don't want!
Now get a grip on yourself!
Stop this spectacle. Hmm?
Why don't you go shopping?
That always cheers me up.
You just go shopping and you keep
shopping until you cheer up.
(Wails)
Michelle.
Give us the mechanical man.
I don't have the mechanical man!
Give us the mechanical man.
(Whimpers) Argh!
Michelle, do you want a couch? A couch.
It's a lovely white couch.
Oh, she doesn't want it.
Why didn't you tell me
your father had won Wheel Of Fortune?
Darling, don't lie in here
with the lights off. It's not normal.
(Phone rings)
Dolphin Heads Council, Mayor
Moochmore's office. Tisha speakin'.
Kylie, I've already warned youse twice.
One more time...
(Door opens, people gasp)
Barry! I mean... Mayor Moochmore.
There's an emergency. At home.
SHIRLEY: It's an Excelsior! Oh!
It's the vacuum cleaner I've always w...
And it's purple! Oh!
Oh, my goodness!
Another washing machine!
Oh! Put it right there with the others.
Thank you.
- Mum...
- Yes.
- I'm scared.
- Oh, don't be silly, darling.
Does anyone on TV look scared when
their fathers win the Wheel Of Fortune?
Of course not. They're happy
someone invented game shows.
(Gasps) And when your dad gets home,
we are gonna celebrate with dinner...
..on our new table!
Oh! Look! There's Nancy Boyle!
Nancy, hello! Hello!
Look at all the furniture!
It's alright.
You don't have to be afraid of it.
It's not rubbish. It's all new.
Fabulously new from my husband.
He calls you 'Noxious Nance'
behind your back, he does.
He says you're a nasty, gossiping bitch.
But I think that's unfair, because
you've done a lot for this community...
or at least act like you have -
so I want you to have this lamp.
Is you oldest daughter really a lesbian
or is that just malicious gossip?
(Gasps) Oh! He's here! We've done it!
He's home! Your father's home!
Quickly, start singing!
High on the hill
lived a lonely goatherd.
Lay-dee odle-lay-dee odle-lay-hee-hoo.
Loud was the voice
of the lonely goatherd...
Mum, stop.
Lay-dee odle-lay-dee odle-loo...
(Shirley continues singing)
Auntie Doris stole my hair!
Odle-lay-dee odle-lay-dee
odle-lay.
(Crash!)
Oh!
(Horn blares)
What the fuck is going on?!
(Clock chimes 'cuckoo')
(Grunts)
(Wooden clanking)
Jane! Get away from that!
It's goin' back to the shops.
I'm Kayleen.
CORAL: Make sure you leave the kettle on
the whole time...
Bastard.
(Huffs)
Sit at the table, Dad.
We're getting you breakfast.
JANE: Fresh and premium cold beer, Dad.
Excuse me.
Your mum is on holiday in Wollongong,
and she's having a wonderful time.
If anybody asks, that's the story.
You got it?
(Clears throat)
(Leanne clears throat)
Dad, we were thinking,
while Mum's away,
maybe we should be seeing somebody.
You know, like a psychiatrist.
- What?
- Someone to talk to about our problems.
- What?
- So we don't end up in Wollongong.
- What?
- Dad, I'm autistic.
Dad, I'm a socio-path.
I don't feel anything.
- I'm pre-psychotic.
- Michelle hears voices.
- What?
- Tell Dad you hear voices.
I hear voices.
(All talk at once)
Auntie Doris stole my hair!
Enough!
There are no psychiatrists in Dolphin
Heads anywhere but the loony bin.
And the only person in this family
going to the loony bin is your mother!
This wouldn't be happening to me
if I had a family of boys.
Boys have breakdowns, Dad.
Not Australian boys -
they're too busy playing football.
Now, I've got an election to run,
and I don't care if you five lumps
eat me out of house and home
and spend every cent I make...
no-one is going mental.
Not before I do.
I'm goin' mental!
I live in a barn, Jack.
There's pizza boxes piled everywhere
'cause none of 'em can cook.
They can't do the dishes,
they don't make the beds.
- It's a nightmare!
- Get Shirley back from her holiday.
- She can't come back.
- Why not? It's been over a week.
Barry, you gotta level with me.
Has she left ya?
'Cause if she has, get her back.
Mate, we go to the polls in eight weeks.
She's on all of the leaets
with you and the girls.
She hasn't left me.
She's in Wollongong, and she likes it.
I wish I was there me self.
Nah.
Nah.
Turn around and have another look.
Looks normal. Got a dog.
Nah. I can't.
Hitch-hiker... Nah.
(Phone rings)
Barry Moochmore.
KAYLEEN: (Sobs) Dad, I know you
don't believe anything I say,
but I'm a socio-path.
- I don't have any feelings.
- Which one is this?
It's Kayleen!
Why don't you ever remember my name?!
Look, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna fix everything.
EASY-LISTENING MUSIC
(Horn beeps)
The embarrassment is total.
I have to get some hats.
People are gawking at me.
GIRL, ON PHONE:
What does your dad think?
Dad thinks 12-year-olds
don't know anything, but they do.
(Low growling)
- (Growls)
GIRL, ON PHONE: Jane?
WOMAN: Don't make any sudden moves.
(Dog barks)
Ripper! Come 'ere!
I didn't train him to kill.
He does it out of love.
'Course he only kills for me.
If someone attacked you, he'd watch.
(Ripper growls)
ls... is my dad here?
In the back room.
Wouldn't have paid for that haircut
if I was you.
(Chuckles nervously)
Brother! It's Barry.
Dad, who's that woman?
Oh, I forget her name, but you are
to do everything she tells ya.
Nah, nah, everything's jake.
I took your advice
and got me self a babysitter.
Yeah, hired her on the way home.
She can live in, too.
Ah. Oi. She's staying in your room.
- Where will I sleep?
- You share with Jane.
I am Jane.
I don't care about that any more.
Tell your problems to what's-her-name.
BARRY: Feel like a beer, mate?
Great! I'll see you in ten minutes.
I don't have the mechanical man! (Pants)
Fair enough.
That's Michelle. She's mental.
We all are.
I'll be the judge of that.
(Vacuum whirrs)
What are you doing?
ALL: Coral!
MICHELLE: She's making us clean!
- Who is?
- Shaz!
- Her dog's crazy.
- Whose dog?
Shaz's dog.
It's gonna kill us if we stop cleaning.
You're the oldest, Coral.
Get rid of her.
She's in there. She's got a knife.
I saw it sticking out of her boot.
(Bubbling)
(inhales deeply)
Gawww! (Coughs) Not bad.
Who are you?
- Coral.
- Oh, like the sea.
The Coral Sea.
I'm Shaz. Just... Shaz.
JANE: (Mockingly) 'I'm Shaz.'
LEANNE: (Mockingly) 'I'm tough.'.
Ripper!
(Ripper growls)
(Ripper barks, girls scream)
(Vacuum whirrs)
CORAL: What are you doing here?
I'm here to fulfil me destiny.
Right a grievous wrong.
See the sights.
Where's ya mum, by the way?
She's...
In Wollongong?
On holiday.
Havin' a wonderful time.
I'm not scared of you.
I work in a shark show.
You're kiddin'.
They're dead,
but... one of them ate Harold Holt.
(Pants tearfully)
(Sobs)
Don't worry, love.
It would've been quick.
Heavy hip-hop music.
(Coughs)
- Patchouli oil?
- She's a hippie.
(Coral squeals, Leanne gasps)
It's pretend.
Hmm... 'Di... dis... agnosum...'
'Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders'.
Maybe she's a psychiatrist,
like we wished for. (Chuckles)
G'day...
Sharon Thornbender.
All the way from Tassie.
Nancy. Nancy Boyle.
This is my daughter - Donna.
Jeez, you're a big one,
aren't ya, Donna?
Which house did you say
you'd moved into?
I didn't. You'll have to invite me in
for a cuppa tea, won't ya?
Already been next door.
The Mooch mores?
Could I tell you stories!
Once I saw Shirley Moochmore
standing outside in their backyard...
..screaming.
No!
Her screaming's better
than her singing, though. Ugh!
Close your legs.
She brought it on herself,
in my opinion.
'Course those girls, they're enough
to drive anyone around the bend.
But who let them get that way?
BOTH: She did.
- Mm.
- Legs.
- Yeah.
Once, um...
once they bought this pool...
Oh! This is...
(Both laugh, snort)
No... No, this... (Laughs, snorts)
(Guffaws, snorts) This is terrible!
(Snorts, laughs)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
You can't tell her that!
- I won't!
- You can't!
(Cries, laughs)
They got this upright pool...
(Laughs) - ..and they
put it in their backyard,
and... and their backyard's on a slant.
(Snorts, sties laughter)
So all the Moochmores, they all get in.
(Wheezes with laughter)
And then... (Guffaws)
Not all of them - not Barry of course,
'cause you never see him.
But because it's on a slant, they just
go, like, washing to one side...
(Cackles)
- And then the side...
- (Cries, laughs)
- And the side just, like, breaks...
- Side breaks!
(Nancy and Donna cackle, snort)
(Shaz laughs, snorts)
So they just spill out,
all over the yard.
DONNA: And they oat...
- Rolling out like a bunch of bananas!
Shirley Moochmore. Ugh!
She just starts screaming again!
It's like living next door
to an Aboriginal encampment. (Laughs)
'Cause Mum hates Abos.
And where is Shirley Moochmore
these days?
There's the million-dollar question.
(Ripper whimpers)
(Screaming, commotion)
In all me life, I have never
witnessed a sorrier display.
(Commotion continues, phone rings)
Yep.
WOMAN, ON PHONE: Shirley?
- Nup. Who's this?
This is Doris Charles speaking.
Ah. Would this be Auntie Doris Charles?
- (Gasps)
DORIS: Who is this?
This is Auntie Shaz speakin.
Auntie Shaz?
I didn't know Barry had a sister.
Yeah, well, I'm more the auntie ya earn
than the other kind.
- What other kind?
- Your kind. The hairdressin' kind.
I'm not a hairdresser.
Oh. Well, you'd better give Jane
her hair back, then, hadn't ya?
(Phone rings)
OK. Another one.
(Girls laugh and chatter)
It's still me.
You know what they say about youse
in this town?
Hmm? They say youse are freaks.
They say you don't belong.
They say you're good-for-nothing
layabouts who'll never achieve nothin'.
(Angrily) If someone said that about me,
I'd cut their throats.
Why aren't youse out there
cuttin' their throats?
Because it's true.
(Girls laugh)
There's someone outside watchin' us.
(Phone rings)
GIRL: This'll be good.
- Hello?
DORIS, ON PHONE: Hello?
- Hello?
- Hello?
(Girls giggle) Hello?!
- I think they hung up.
- Michelle...
..you're holdin' the phone
the wrong way, darl.
'Ello?
- Michelle'?
MICHELLE: Yeah?
- Can you talk?
- Yeah.
It's Auntie Doris.
Ls everything alright?
Oh. Is that you outside in the car?
Where's your mother?
- On holiday.
- On holiday? Well, where's Barry?
- Where's your father?
- I dunno.
He's never 'ere, is he?
Maybe he's dead
and they forgot to tell us.
(All laugh)
Can you see me at the window?
I'm wavin' at ya. Why don't you come in?
No. No, I can't come in.
She never comes in.
She thinks we're pigs.
- Really?
- We're not pigs now.
It's all tidy in here. See?
Did you break down or something?
We could come out and give you a push.
(Chuckles)
(Girls groan and chortle)
Michelle! Look, who is this Shaz woman?!
G'day! Sharon Thornbender.
All the way from Tassie.
(Screams)
- Put it on speaker! Put it on speaker!
- Don't make any sudden moves, Doris.
He's checkin' to see
if you're a sex pervert.
Can't be too careful. And Ripper here
can sniff out a psycho at ten paces.
(Ripper barks)
Oh! He doesn't like
the smell of you, Doris.
- You're not a sex pervert, are ya?
- No.
Then what are you doing
sitting out here in the dark, then?
Are you some old lezzie
on the prowl for young girls?
Certainly not! I'm married.
- Prove it.
- I have a ring.
Oh, anyone coulda give you that.
Another lezzie coulda give ya that.
You could be head of a coven of lezzies
masquerading as old married women.
Jesus! Ripper, they're in the back!-No!
They're my girls! Don't hurt them!
- Oh!
- What are they?!
They're dolls! I make them for
competitions. They're very expensive.
- Please... just get your dog off!
- Ripper, get off 'em.
Spun out! I thought they was weird
dwarves and you was their leader.
I've won prizes for my dolls.
Gawd! Look at 'em starin'!
Cover 'em up! I'm gonna freak out!
You scalped Jane for one of 'em,
didn't ya?
Your own niece,
so as you could win prizes.
I had Shirley's permission.
Oh, Shirley said
you could chop off her daughter's hair,
put it on some bald doll.
How do you know Shirley?
Where is she?
What have you done with her?
- She's in Wollongong.
- Oh.
Been to Wollongong before, has she?
Yep. I've been hearing a lot
about Shirley around here.
None of it flatterin'. Sounds like
she was a shockin' housekeeper
but thought the world of her daughters,
that right?
It's hard to juggle a
home and a family.
I mean, I should know -
I have two children myself.
Do ya?
Some children are less trouble
than others, I reckon.
I was lucky.
My children are naturally tidy.
Quiet too, I bet.
Well... I was strict.
But children need that.
I posted a daily roster
of their responsibilities.
You sure you're Shirley's sister?
We're ten years apart.
I still think of Shirley
as the baby of the family...
the one who got away with everything.
But she's a dear thing,
with a sweet, trusting nature.
Yep. It's all comin' together.
The life of Shirley Moochmore.
' Ripper!
Oh!
I understand you, Doris.
And soon, you're gonna understand me.
That sounds... ominous.
You wouldn't know.
Aargghhhh!
(Coral squeals)
(Coral laughs)
Oh, shit. It's a mask.
- (Chuckles)
- Did I scream?
Mm... (Laughs)
Seen me feminine side, Coral.
Girls like that, don't they?
It turns ya on, don't it?
Oh, it turns me on!
(Squeals)
(Trout grunts)
I didn't think you liked me, Trout.
You let me see the sharks
after closin' time, didn't ya?
This is your reward. (Laughs)
What do you like about me, Trout?
What?
Uh... you're different. (Laughs)
How am I different?
I dunno. It's... hard to say.
Ya missin' something, or you got
too much of it. I don't know which.
(Blows raspberry) (Both laugh)
' Woo!
(Squeals, giggles)
- Ow! Don't...
- Oh, sorry.
- Oh!
- You OK?
Uh-huh.
(Latch clicks)
What was that?
Did you... did you hear that?
Did you lock the door?
It's nothing.
Trout, there's somebody here.
No, no, Trout! Get off! No...
(Screams)
(Both scream) Argh!
(Splutters)
- Are you OK?
- Uh-huh.
(Wheezes)
Trout, I've temporarily paralysed ya.
You'll be right in 20 seconds.
While I got ya here,
Coral is an employee of
Trev Blundell Jaws O' Terror shark show.
And being Trev Blundell,
I look out for her.
'No'... means no.
Don't mean 'maybe' or 'more please'.
I've had a few conversations with Coral
and, physically, she's all woman.
Mentally, she's, uh... ill-equipped
to pan with her girlhood right now.
I'm not sayin' never.
Maybe in a couple of years.
You're OK now, Trout.
Piss off.
(Slurping)
Trout's not right for you.
I been huntin' sharks 40 years.
Seen his type before -
all instinct, no fear in him.
He craves, devours, moves on.
Trout isn't a shark. Boys aren't sharks.
Everything is sharks. Life is sharks.
when the dinosaurs lay dyin',
last thing they saw were sharks
laughin' at 'em.
That's the last thing we'll see too.
I'm quitting my job
'cause I think you're mental.
Mental is a shark.
- It is not.
- It is.
I expect to be schizophrenic
any day now,
and none of my research
mentions sharks... ever.
Is that right?
I've been in a lunatic asylum.
Five years ago. After me daughter died
and me wife lost her mind.
I've battled insanity, and it's a shark.
Circles ya boat,
waitin' for you to fall.
You can't see it, but it's there.
You know that feeling, Coral?
'Cause if you don't,
I can show it to ya.
They have us surrounded, Coral.
Madness is when you see 'em.
Sanity.
Insanity.
Don't dream of madness, Coral.
When madness gets ya,
there's no 'you' left.
Just madness.
What if it's too late?
I tried to kill myself when I was 13
by jumping off the verandah
because I'm ugly and I'm abnormal.
And my mum's in the loony bin,
my sister talks to aliens
and my dad hates us.
Even me being here
talking to you isn't normal.
Look at you -
you're old, you have weird scars.
And what do you want to be with me for,
anyway?
You remind me of someone.
Don't lose yourself, Coral.
I know it don't seem like much...
..but it's all you got.
Crazy...
That's very inappropriate, Karen.
Very inappropriate.
Crazy for feelin' so lonely...
Well, it's not a really romantic story.
Well, there's a romantic bit in it.
Uh, Barry was 25 and I was 24
and, on our second date,
he son of raped me.
Mm.
Date rape I suppose you'd call it now.
Yeah. On the terrace
of the Dolphin Heads Casino.
Well, he'd had a bit to drink
and suddenly he was all over me.
And I'm there going, 'No, no, '
like you do.
But you know how men are -
they just go with the ow, don't they?
Anyway, next day, I said to myself,
'Shirley, if he doesn't call you
in three weeks, you're a slut.'.
It was before three weeks was up I found
out I was pregnant with Coral and...
But he did call me. Yeah.
That's the romantic bit.
Boy, did he get a surprise.
I suppose you think that's a bad
foundation for a marriage - rape.
SHAZ: I've heard worse.
Have you?
- I've lived worse.
- Have you?
You wouldn't know.
See, you're not like my other doctors,
because you tell me stuff.
Keep your voice down.
I don't want 'em stealing me techniques.
Do you think I use food
as an emotional crutch?
- Nup.
- What about waterfalls?
What about waterfalls?
Dr Kurland says, when I feel
overwhelmed, I should think of them.
Bullshit. What do these doctors do about
the daily misery that is your life?
Close your eyes and imagine this...
a giant tumour eatin' your brain.
You go into a hospital
filled with doctors,
experts on brain-eatin' tumours,
and what do they do?
Brush ya hair over the bulge
so no-one can see it and send you home.
But what you need
is someone to cut out the tumour
so you can live.
Shaz.
Oh, no! Sandra!
Gaw! Spun out! What are you doin'
in here, ya mad boong?
Oh, they reckon I've got
borderline personality disorder.
Borderline fuckin' personality!
What the fuck do they know
about my fuckin' personality?
Fuckin' nothin'!
I'm still vibrant.
Too vibrant for some, eh, Shaz?
Do you remember?
(Sandra and Shaz laugh)
(Shaz laughs)
Shut up.
I admit I had a bit too much to drink,
got a bit outta hand.
Don't remember. Anyway, bit
of a punch-up, bit of a committal,
and here I am.
- Yeah, they got Shirley in 'ere too.
- Fuck, no!
- Shirley, you in 'ere too?
- Mm.
Who are ya?
Shirley... Moochmore.
What a stupid fuckin' name.
No wonder they put ya away.
(Shaz and Sandra laugh)
Aw, Sheree...
Eh, she's great, this one.
Has she taken ya under her wing?
Yep. Shirley's me project.
Are you one of Dr Thornbender's patients
as well?
Yep.
And I love her.
And I don't like whities, as a rule,
but Shaz... Shaz isn't white.
She's a new colour.
- She's mauve.
- Gaw.
It's true, Shaz. Ya mauve.
Ya fuckin' mauve!
Now, Shaz knows.
She knows.
She's gonna change your fuckin' life.
That's the impression I get.
The problem with you two
is you let people say you're crazy.
You're only as crazy
as you let people say you are.
I don't let anyone say I'm crazy,
so I'm normal.
Youse, you let everyone
say you're crazy, so you're in here.
Dr Kurland...-I don't
care what them doctors say.
What do you say?
Are you crazy?
I don't cope well.
There's ways of copin'
that don't involve loony bins and drugs.
There's offensive and defensive copin'.
I've always favoured offensive me self.
Ya might say I invented it.
But I'm gonna get you out of here,
Shirl.
But first, we gotta deal
with them tumours of yours.
Rise and shine! We got
mountains to climb, startin' now!
(Screams)
Give us the mechanical man.
MICHELLE: I don't have
the mechanical man!
Forget about that. Ya never
gonna give 'em the mechanical man
'cause you're not a character
in Lost In Space.
Now get up and get dressed.
You think Noxious Nance
has climbed this mountain?
'Course not!
She's too busy scrubbin' her driveway.
This takes guts and perseverance!
(Girls groan and squeal)
Do ya reckon Auntie Doris
has climbed this mountain?
She doesn't even know it's here.
Ya gotta believe in yourselves, girls,
and each other.
(Shrieks, pants)
I can't go any further. I won't.
You don't get to the top
of this mountain, Coral,
then ya nothin',
just like they say ya are.
What's the point of getting to the top,
anyway?!
Not bein' at the bottom.
(Girls groan and pant)
SHAZ: Come on, girls! That's it!
Almost there.
MICHELLE: I can't do it.
SHAZ: Come on, Michelle.
(Michelle strains)
Come on, Michelle! Just move it!
- I can't!
- We're all waiting here!
Oi, get in behind her
and give her a push.
I can't!
(Girls strain)
(Girls strain and groan)
She's too heavy!
She's not heavy, she's ya sister!
(Girls groan and strain)
(Both cheer, Ripper barks)
That's it, Michelle.
(All cheer)
(Pants)
I'm ying! Woo-hoo!
(Girls pant and chuckle)
Everybody, pick up a rock.
One day this rock's
gonna mean somethin' to ya.
Ya might lose the only thing
you ever loved,
or that ever loved you,
but you're gonna look at this rock
and you're gonna say, 'I can take it,
because I climbed the mountain.'.
This is where they live.
It's where the voices live.
Can hear 'em clearer up here.
They're singin'.
They're 'appy...
They was from Lost In Space,
wasn't they, Shaz?
Yeah. Knew as soon as I 'eard ya.
'Give us the mechanical man.'
Great episode.
Of course, not as great as the episode
where Dr Smith turns into a tree,
but you can't have everything.
You're onto 'em now, Michelle.
They're gonna have to think
of somethin' else.
None of youse are mental.
Except you, Michelle. You're bonkers.
But the rest of youse...
Nah.
But if we're not mental,
we're just unpopular.
I'll show you the meanin'
of the word 'mental'.
Page 354.
- 'Obsessive compulsive disorder.'
SHAZ: Yeah, that's her.
'Stubborn, stingy, possessive,
uncreative and unimaginative,
devoted to meaningless activities
that require being tidy and meticulous.'.
CORAL: It is her.
Yeah, they're all in there -
the whole neighbourhood.
See that delusional over there? He mowed
the same strip of grass yesterday.
He can't help himself.
(Girls scream)
(Man yells angrily)
Look. Look at him! Look!
Ohh. Upset the delicate balance of
their fantasy world, and they go nuts.
- They can't all be mental.
- What are the odds of that?
(Shrieks)
Youse have stumbled on the meanin'
of life and ya don't even know it!
America. Europe.
Asia.
And all the way down here is Australia.
Alone. Isolated.
Ever wonder why? Why we're down here?
Well, we were a penal colony...
Well, that's the cover story, yeah.
But, historically, where have
they always sent the loonies?
As far away as possible.
And you can't get
any further away than Australia.
We weren't a penal colony.
We was a lunatic asylum.
Our ancestors were loonies,
and this is the result.
Well, have a look around.
There's no such thing as normal.
It's just different shades of mental.
Your totally mental
are in the lunatic asylums.
The rest of 'em - the delusionals,
borderlines, compulsives,
paranoids, schizoids -
make up Australia as we know it.
We're nothin' but a livin' experiment
in madness
under constant observation by the
psychiatric community of the world.
But... if we're all under observation...
and mental,
how come we're allowed to leave?
Kylie Minogue.
She left. She's practically British.
In any experiment,
there's test mice and control mice.
Control mice are marked in some way
and sent off into the normal world
as comparisons.
Kylie Minogue's a control mouse.
Cate Blanchett - control mouse.
Russell Crowe -
a control mouse outta control.
Rupert Murdoch, Nicole Kidman.
The list of control mice is endless.
- What about you, Shaz?
- What about me?
Do you know the meaning
of the word 'conformity'?
I don't. I instinctively do not know it.
And that's how they knew about me
Knew about me from birth.
They been after me ever since.
Who's after you?
Scientists. After me brain.
They want to study me, clone me,
or prevent me from happenin' again.
I don't know which. I'm not psychic.
Luckily, Ripper is. He warns me
when they're gettin' too close.
And I understand
why they're scared of me.
I'm the next step to human evolution.
A next step to perfection.
And they don't want me buildin' an army.
- What army?
- An army of me.
'Cause I can see the ones
who are like me...
born without the instinct of conformity.
That's what led me to Dolphin Heads.
Ya think it was an accident
ya dad stopped for me?
He had to. It was his destiny.
Dad's like you.
Nup.
Youse are.
Youse are me army
Youse are next steps,
but crushed into un-recognizability
by the forces of conformity.
There ya go, Michelle.
A jam and cream doughnut on the house
I didn't want a jam and cream doughnut.
Oh, you sound just like your mum
when you say that.
She's always telling us she doesn't
want the jam and cream doughnuts too,
then she shovels 'em down
like there's no tomorrow.
Doesn't she, Kay?
- We love your mum. We call her Mrs Moo.
- (Kay chuckles)
Where is she these days?
She's in Wollongong, on 'oliday.
Havin' a rest, is she? Nice long rest?
Well, I believe ya. Thousands wouldn't.
Now, how about the rest of you Moos?
Are you ready for seconds?
She's in a mental institution.
She had a nervous breakdown.
Get too much for her, did it?
Mm, you might say that.
You might say this place
broke her spirit.
Dolphin Heads?
Nah. Best town in the world.
- That right?
- Yeah.
If she gone crazy,
it won't be Dolphin Heads.
Something... closer to home, I reckon.
What's your name, sweetheart?
Manda. I'm the manageress.
This is Kay.
Manda... we just been readin'
about you, Manda. Haven't we, girls?
- Right here, in me book.
- What book's that?
Oh, it's kinda like the Bible,
except more about Australia than heaven.
Here youse are.
Page 369. Can you read that?
'Sadistic personality disorder...'.
No, not that bit. The underlined bit.
(Manda shrieks)
You think these jam and cream doughnuts
are so fuckin' great, you eat 'em!
I think young Kay wants a jam and cream
doughnut, girls. What do you think?
Little career advice, psychos -
the customer is always right!
If the Moos don't want
jam and cream doughnuts,
they don't get jam and cream doughnuts!
(Manda and Kay shriek)
(Ripper barks)
They are out to get you Moochmores.
And these bitches are ruthless.
They declared war.
Well, we got one thing on our side -
they're crazy and we're not.
(Girls laugh)
That was fantastic!
(All laugh)
LEANNE AND KAYLEEN: (Chant)
Manda and Kay lying on the ground...
Got ya doubts, haven't ya, Coral?
I want to believe you, Shaz,
but... I'm not perfect.
Look at me.
I'm ugly, awkward.
I'm unpopular.
That's proof of your perfection.
They want you to hate yourself, Coral,
that way, they control ya.
And when they control ya,
they've robbed ya of your power.
What power?
A doctor once told me
I had six months to live.
I took out me knife,
held it to his throat
and I said, 'You take it back.'.
He took it back.
And I lived.
- I couldn't do that.
- Nah, you could.
- I couldn't pull a knife on anyone.
- Nah, you don't need the knife.
You're stronger than I am.
Shut up.
Take enough pain and humiliation,
and a part of you dies.
But the part that's left,
it can't be hurt no more.
I call that a State O' Shaz.
I am beyond pain and humiliation.
I am the avenging angel
of the perpetually humiliated.
I'll save you, Coral.
I'll save ya whole family.
I'll make you strong.
And in return, you make me whole.
(Doorbell rings) How?
(Ripper barks)
Start by answerin' the door.
The coppers are here.
See, you got a choice...
things can either stay the way they are
or you can fight back.
(Doorbell rings)
(Sighs) So did this woman
say anything to you?
- No.
MICHELLE: Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
KAYLEEN AND LEANNE: No. No.
- No.
No.
Did she?
Um...
She said we were the next steps
in, um, human evolution.
The next steps to perfection.
- What, you lot?
- Yeah. (Chuckles)
(Both laugh)
Oh! Oh, your poor dad.
Show 'em this, so we can get outta here.
(Laughs)
Is this supposed to be her?
Yes. According to six eyewitnesses.
Well, they're wrong.
Her hair wasn't brown. It was blonde.
Blonde?
And she wasn't 5ft. She was 6ft.
- Yeah, she was tall.
- Yep, she was really tall.
And her eyes weren't blue.
They were brown.
- Brown eyes...
- Um... and she was Chinese.
Yep. That's right. She was Chinese.
- Was she all Chinese?
- Except for the French bits.
(Chuckles)
(TV commentary)
(Doorbell)
Remember that fuckin' awful
white racist shit song
by them fat ugly white racist bastards
in the '60s.
My Boomerang Won't Come Back?
Well, my boomerang won't come back.
Me
Boomerang won't come back.
Me boomerang won't come back.
I've waved the thing
all over the place.
Practised till I was black in the face
I'm a big disgrace to the Aborigine race.
My boomerang won't come back.
Nance, Sandra. Sandra, Nance.
Sandra MacDonald,
a Goorie from Bundjalung Nation
via Dolphin Heads lunatic asylum.
I told Sandra all about you.
Told her you was warts-n-all honest.
- Especially the warts.
- Jesus! Look at the size of this one!
- Who are you, love?
SHAZ: It's Donna.
- You gonna invite us in, Donna?
- No! No, I can't!
- I've just shampooed the carpets.
- Oh, what about my boomerang?
I'll get it. Just stay here.
(Grunts)
Stay here!
(Strains)
How do you like it?
Sweet and white.
(Chuckles nervously)
You alright there, love?
SANDRA: Sit down.
(All chatter)
Excuse me.
Did I invite you inside?
Donna's making us tea.
She's a credit to you, Nance.
She's got great legs too.
Hey, Donna, stretch them hamstrings.
See that, Shaz? It's amazing.
(All gasp in awe)
Donna!
Put that away.
Get out! Go on!
(Sternly) Mum.
Here. Here's what you came for.
Go on. Off you go. Shoo!
You're being rude, Mum.
No, no, don't worry, Donna.
This is more than a social visit.
It's an intervention
Nance,
you're obsessive compulsive disorder,
and a nasty, gossiping bitch to boot.
You need help and we're here to help ya.
You can't control the world
with cleanliness and order.
Life's not like that. Life's mess.
Oozin', owin', drippin' mess.
Sure, you can keep your house
lookin' like a science lab
and you can have Donna
actin' like a nun with a netball,
but what are you gonna do
when life busts in?
And you, Nance, you're esh and blood,
sweat and piss.
You're a woman, Nance, not Tupperware.
Nah, we can't leave ya.
This is an emergency.
- I'm calling the police.
- Nah, not a police emergency.
A feminine emergency.
Ya got any pads?
- What?
- You know... pads.
Writing pads?
Sanitary pads. Preferably maxi.
- (Whispers) For who?
- (Whispers) All of us, actually, yeah.
You know how women living
in close proximity line up menstrually?
Something to do with the moon. Well,
we've all lined up, haven't we, girls?
- Right here, in your lounge room.
- (Chuckles)
I'm havin' an emergency
on your white couch.
- Me too.
- Oh, you're a woman now, Jane.
NANCY: Get out!
- Shaz...
Get out!
- Oh...
- Shaz...
Whoa! Looks like pads all round, Nance.
Oh! Filthy, filthy, filthy pigs!
Oh, I'm bleedin' like a stuck one,
that's for sure.
- Aargghhhh!
- I'll get the toilet paper.
Where's the bathroom?
Excuse me.
Get out!
Jane, let Nance hit ya with that
boomerang. It's good therapy for her.
Don't be afraid of mess, Nance.
Mess is good. Mess is life.
- Call the police!
- I invited them in!
What are the cops gonna do, Nance?
Arrest us for bleedin'?
That's it, Nance. Lose control.
Fight ya pathology!
Coming through!
(Nancy shrieks)
Break free of your delusions, Nance.
Unleash them forbidden desires!
Them repressed impulses!
- Embrace mess and be free!
SANDRA: She's gone mental!
(Nancy shrieks) No!
DONNA: Mum!
NANCY: Filthy sluts!
(Nancy grunts and groans)
DONNA: We'll get them dry-cleaned!
Behold ya power.
'Cause you'll never be as good
as the girl in my head...
The instinct of conformity.
Pretty...
That's what I'm missing.
It's what they have and I don't.
GIRL: Fuck off, freak.
(Girls giggle)
So neurotypical.
(High-pitched voice) ls my hair nice?
No.
Does 'neurotypical' mean, like, boring?
(Chuckles)
You're right.
She doesn't know what she does to me.
Born without
the instinct of conformity.
She ain't normal
Just different shades of mental.
The fact that we met
could not be accidental.
And maybe she's not the solution.
But she's the next step
in human evolution.
She's the best
I would've guessed.
I got impressed as she got undressed.
And she is something more or.
Something less.
I'm told she's crazy,
but I think she's the best.
Ooh...
TROUT: Woo!
Ohhhh.
She doesn't know what she's done to me.
Born again, I'm losing my conformity.
She makes me feel so funny
in the tummy.
Like Cinderella, Santa, Snow White
and the Easter Bunny.
And maybe she's not the solution.
But she's the next step
in human evolution.
She's the best
I would've guessed.
I got impressed as she got undressed.
And she is something more or.
Something less.
I'm told she's crazy,
but I think she's the best.
Ooh...
TREVOR: Shaz?
I warned ya.
This time I kill ya.
Nah, I said to him, 'I'm not going to
have sex with you on the first date.
I have self-respect.'.
Yeah. I know...
(Phone bleeps)
Hang on a tick.
Dolphin Heads Council, Mayor
Moochmore's office, Tisha speakin
Barry! Mayor Moochmore!
BARRY: I'm in conference!
- There's an emergency at home.
I painted that.
I'm helping Jean widen her access road.
(Sobs)
They reckon somebody's died!
Where are youse? Argh, me back!
I'm here! I'm here!
See? I told you he wasn't dead.
Just seemed like it.
Sit down, Barry.
You're just in time to carve the bird.
The girls cooked everything you see,
includin' the stuff in'.
You seem a bit stuffed yourself.
What have you been up to?
Here's your beer. Here's your name tag
so nobody forgets who anybody is.
Michelle.
- Peas, Dad?
- Bread and butter, Dad?
- Delicious corn.
- This is gravy.
Uh... yeah.
You girls cooked this yourselves?
(Girls agree)
SHAZ: Certainly did.
It's, um...
..it's great.
Um...
..l gotta go.
(Ripper barks, growls)
You're not goin' anywhere.
- What?
- You 'eard me.
- What?
- You 'eard me.
- What?
- You heard me.
- What?
- You. Heard me.
- What?
- 'What' means 'no'.
What?
When Dad says 'what' like that,
he means no.
That right, Barry? When you
say 'what' like that, you mean 'no'?
- Or do you just mean 'what'?
- What?
Or does it mean 'I don't feel
comfortable with you girls
'cause I don't know any of ya,
and I don't know what to say to ya.
Easiest thing to do is run off
to the pub,
talk about nothing
instead of everything.'.
And that's what 'what' means.
Innit, Barry?
(Clears throat)
(Snoring)
SHAZ: Wakey-wakey!
I admired you, Barry.
I thought you was a big man.
But you're nothin' but
a self-centred, whinin' piece of shit.
Jesus.
You think I'm gonna stand by
while you abuse your family?
I'd never hit any of 'em.
I know. You don't have the guts
to use your fists.
You slap them girls around with silence,
don't ya?
Ya kick 'em by not lookin' at 'em.
Ya beat your wife by not comin' home
and fucking anything that moves.
- That's...
- Shut up! I heard the stories.
You know what I did
when my husband hit me?
I slit his face open
from his eyebrows to his chin.
You think he ever hit me again?
Hit me? He couldn't even look
in the mirror without cryin' about it.
- (Grunts)
- Shut up and keep movin'!
- Shaz! Don't hurt him!
- Call the police!
(Barry grunts)
BARRY: Get off...
SHAZ: Get in there!
Oh! You can't kill me!
I'm an elected official!
Oh, it's easy to impress people
who don't know ya, innit?
I'll be missed!
Yeah, only by your family.
Suck on that irony.
(Girl screams)
- Michelle...
- I don't have it!
- Michelle, it's me, love.
- I'm sorry!
I'm so sorry. I don't have it.
(Sobs)
Shaz?
Yeah. I got ya dad down here.
This is where she sleeps now, Barry.
She waits till everyone goes to bed
and then she moves her stuff down here.
Tell your dad
what you're doin' down here, Michelle.
They know where to find me up there.
- Who does?
- The ones from Lost In Space.
They want the mechanical man.
I don't have him!
They know where I sleep.
They want to hurt me 'cause I'm bad.
They took Mum 'cause I let 'em down.
(Sobs) I can't be up there no more.
She needs 'elp, Barry.
What are ya gonna do about it?
- I'm onto it, sweetheart.
- No!
- You can come out now.
- No!
I've gotta stay here!
I gotta stay... here.
I wanna talk to her - alone.
- Nup.
- She's my daughter, not yours!
Why don't you tell me about it, OK?
You won't get mad?
No.
I won't get mad.
You won't hate me no more?
You were married, Shaz.
You were married to Trevor Blundell.
Married?
SHAZ: Till death do us part.
I meant that, even if he didn't.
- He told me you were dead.
- And what about Grace?
He tell you about our daughter?
He told you she was dead too, didn't he?
Yeah, well, she ain't dead.
He's got her.
And he keeps her against her will.
That's why I come to Dolphin Heads.
That's why your dad stopped for me.
That's why you work for him.
It's your destiny.
Trust me?
I done for you, didn't I?
Then you do for me.
(Door opens, man grunts)
Go on.
He needs ya.
Ian Davies, please.
Yeah, Barry Moochmore.
Yeah, Ian?
Oh, no... not good actually.
It's my daughter Michelle,
she's feeling crook.
She's hearing voices, Ian.
Telling her to kill herself and that.
Yeah, I think you better.
See you soon.
I don't hate youse.
Who said I hated youse?
I grew up with boys, that's all.
They used to compare...
..me and me brothers
to the Kennedys.
We was like Jack, Bobby
and Teddy in Hyannis Port.
'Cept we were Barry, Vince
and Ken in Dolphin Heads.
And me dad...
..he was a big man, a rogue,
like old Joe Kennedy was.
And he told us
that we was destined for greatness
like them Kennedy boys.
But this is my greatness, isn't it?
Mayor of nothing
but a shithole town...
..with an insane wife
and five mental daughters.
So you didn't get what you want?
Big deal!
We're girls, Dad - we're gonna
be girls for the rest of our lives,
so why don't you just shut up about it?!
And we want you
to start coming home
and talking to us about things.
And taking us places,
like the beach and that.
Like we were a real family.
- 'Cause we are one.
LEANNE: If you think about it.
And we want you to stop
seeing other women,
because everybody knows about it.
Mum did too.
It's just embarrassing.
I would never have dared -
not in a million years...
dared to talk to my father like this!
One wrong look and he thrashed
the living daylights outta me!
Yeah... he was a bad father too.
Dad... there weren't only
Kennedy boys.
There were girls too.
And one of them was mental
and they put her away.
So...
..you're sort of like a Kennedy,
if you think about it.
Yeah... I reckon I am.
Opera music.
(Phone rings)
Doris Charles speaking.
SHAZ, ON PHONE:
We have Elizabeth the 1st
and all her weird friends.
No!
Smile.
Doris has got something
to say to you, Shirley.
I-V
en.
I-V
en.
- I've...
- What's that? Speak up, Doris.
I've always...
..been jealous of you...
..of your sweet, caring nature...
..and the fact that Mum loved you
more than she loved me.
- Oh! No, she didn't.
- She did.
- She didn't.
- She did.
- She did.
- She really didn't.
She did. And old Doris here's
been pissed off about it for years.
But you're over that now,
ain't you, Doris?
Yes.
Twice a week, she's gonna come over
to your house
for tea with you and the girls.
Afterwards, she's gonna help
with the dishes, aren't you?
Maybe some vacuuming and a little
bit laundry too, aren't you, Doris?
Aren't ya?
Elizabeth the 1st.
Yes, I am. I will, yes.
And she's very, very sorry.
I'm very, very sorry.
- For what?
- For being a cunt.
(Gasps) Oh, no. Oh...
But you are a cunt. You are
the cuntiest cunt of all time.
- Admit your cunthood.
- Don't make her say that.
- An irrefutable fact, like gravity.
- Oh, please don't make her say that.
Alright. She's sorry for not
being a very good sister. Hm?
Oh, I'm sorry too.
- You don't have to be sorry.
- Yes, I do.
- No. Shirley?
- I do. I do.
- Shirley? Shirley?
- I do.
- But I do. I really am sorry.
- Shirley?
She's right. You don't.
I haven't been a very good sister.
Oh, come on out, Shirley.
Everything's gonna be alright.
But what about Barry?
Is he still angry with me?
Shirley, as you know,
I think Doris here's a cunt,
but she is right about one thing -
Barry's a bit of a dickhead.
Don't worry about what he thinks
'cause he only ever thinks of himself.
Mum!
(Chuckles) Hello!
Mum? Mum?
Mum, it's me. Mum, it's me.
(Excited chatter)
G'day, love.
- How are you feeling?
- Oh, I'm fine... fine.
Oh, sweetheart, stop...
I voted for you... so did Beverly.
Oh, thank you, love. Both of youse.
You can come out now, Mum.
The house is all clean.
And Noxious Nance went mental,
didn't she, Shaz?
High-dependency ward, Shirley.
The Quiet Room.
Donna ran off with a borderline
personality lesbian Aboriginal.
(Girls laugh)
You remember? Sandra.
- Oh, Sandra. How is Sandra?
- Married.
- To Donna.
SHAZ: Here. They sent me a picture.
LEANNE: They eloped to Adelaide
and Nance just went ballistic
and kidnapped Donna
out of a supermarket.
So Sandra's doctors had Nance certified.
(Girls laugh)
See Shirley, all this time
you was the normal one.
And guess what?
Oh. Oh, I'm schizophrenic. (Chuckles)
Michelle's schizophrenic
and Coral's not.
LEANNE: Dad got a psychiatrist.
Didn't you?
Yeah, yeah. Ian Davies.
You remember Ian - he's the one that...
helped Put You.
But he gave me, um... uh, 'clozapine'.
Long as Michelle keeps taking that,
she's gonna be fine.
Oh. I don't know if things are
coming together or falling apart.
Don't cry, Mum. I'm happy.
All the girls are jealous of me,
aren't ya?
(Laughter) Come out, Shirl.
You can't be in here no more.
GIRL: Please come home.
We miss you so much, Mum.
We made our beds
and I washed the dishes
and Kayleen dried them.
(Excited chatter)
- Come home, love.
- It's really clean.
GIRL: Please, Mum?
- OK.
Yes!
Saturday, 7pm.
He'll be at the aquarium,
spouting his shark-hunter bullshit.
And that's when we do it.
Now the boat's booby-trapped,
so we gotta be smart.
If we want Grace, we have to have
something we can negotiate with,
something he cares about.
You know what I'm talking about,
don't you, Coral?
Find the keys,
unlock them chains on the wheels.
We tow it right outta there.
(Man singing in distance)
She doesn't know
what she does to me.
Born without
the instinct of conformity.
She ain't normal,
just different shades of mental.
The fact that we met,
it could not be accidental
Grace?
Maybe she's not the solution.
But she's the next step
in human evolution.
She's the best...
(Gasps)
(Girls squealing)
- What are you singing, mate?
- What?
Where'd you get them words?
- I made 'em up.
- 'lnstinct of conformity'?
'Next step'?
Where is she?
Where is the mad bitch?!
Grace?
(Gun clicks) (Gasps)
Where is she? Where's your daughter?!
(Shaz and girls whispering
and chatting animatedly)
GIRL: Shhh! There's someone coming.
Nothing to worry about, Shirl.
We're just stealing my ex's shark.
Go back to bed.
(Barks)
Shaz!
(Barking continues)
SHAZ: That old bitch.
DORIS: This is a kidnapping.
Don't worry, I've been in tighter
spots than this. Come on!
No, Shaz, no...
When you wake up, Shirley, I'll be
gone and you'll have your family back.
- No...
- Mum, I've got this.
Youse check the hallway,
youse check the verandah.
Don't worry, we're not here for you -
we're here for Shaz.
She's nuts.
She attacked me with a knife.
Oh, shut up about that.
More importantly, where are my dolls?
(Girls laugh)
(Car horn sounds)
(Excited chatter, banging)
He told me about you, Shaz.
Black out your face, Coral.
- Grace drowned.
KAYLEEN: What?
She was a drug addict.
She went swimming in the sea...
(Screaming)
You don't know the first thing
about me daughter, you hear me?!
Grace weren't on drugs
and she didn't drown.
She got took by a shark -
his shark, the one in his show.
The shark that ate Harold Holt?
It never ate Harold Holt...
that's bullshit he made up
for the punters.
He caught it five years ago,
the day after Grace went missing
'cause he knew it was
the shark that took her.
He's got a restraining order
on you, Shaz.
He says if you go near him,
he'll put you away again.
LEANNE: Again?
You told him, didn't you?
Oh, you told him.
- He already knew!
- Don't you lie to me!
You're the liar! We're not special,
we're not the next steps either!
- No, Coral!
- Three times it's happened.
He moves to a place
and she finds losers, losers like us.
No, I'm not a loser!
She picks the stupid and the lonely,
and she flatters ya,
avenges ya, and before you know it,
you have boot-polish on your face,
helping her steal a dead shark!
No! Coral, she believes in us!
Tell 'em.
Tell them what you really think.
Oh, shut up!
Tell 'em, you lying bitch!
You're nothin'! You're too stupid
to stand up for yourselves,
too lazy to care about anyone but you!
What else are you good for but lies?!
(Shaz breathes heavily)
Get it?
We're stupid, lazy and unpopular.
But at least we're not crazy.
You take it back.
Take it back.
You hear voices.
You hear your daughter's voice
calling you
from inside a dead shark.
Nobody can save you from that.
The spirit lives on after the body,
don't you know that?
But it can be trapped.
It screams out in pain
and there's no-one there to hear it.
A mother never stops hearing it.
Her spirit's gotta be in the ocean
where she died.
I've got to get it outta me head.
Come on.
SHAZ: You promised me.
He knows you're coming, Shaz.
Get out of here... while you still can.
Go, Shaz!
Please.
Don't you know what it's like
to care for someone
more than you care for yourself?
Ripper. (Claps hands)
(Barking)
(Growling)
(Screaming)
(Policemen speak indistinctly)
MAN: Stay back, love. Stay out of it.
CORAL: Don't hull her! Please, no!
Could we have lunch this Friday?
Or afternoon tea?
(Footsteps) Dad's home!
(All talk excitedly)
G'day!
- Mrs Moochmore.
- Yes.
Trevor Blundell.
Coral's employer... former employer.
Sorry, luv, ya out of a job.
I'm closin' the shark show.
Takin' off tonight. Cheers, luv.
You all feel bad about Shaz, I know.
But ya done the right thing.
They'll let 'er out. They always do.
Then it starts again. (Laughs)
Why don't ya just give 'er the shark?
She never gets that shark.
She never gets to forget what she done.
- What did she do?
- She looked the other way!
She wants to protect Grace now!
Where was she then?
Maybe she'll die.
(Scoffs) There's a possibility.
She can't take another 12 months
searchin' for me.
It'll kill 'er. Or she'll kill 'erself.
Shaz would never do that.
(Bangs glass on table)
That a fact?
A little girl once told me
she jumped off a verandah
'cause she didn't like
the look of her own face.
Imagine if that little girl knew
real pain.
Grief. Despair.
Maybe she'd out 'er throat too.
Yeah. (Chuckles)
Or her wrists.
Or try to hang herself in the bathroom
with the elastic from her pyjamas.
Maybe this time we'll be lucky,
and there'll be no five-minute checks
and we can all be free.
I 'ad a family.
We used to sit around a table
and talk about things.
The future.
We had it all.
We just didn't know it.
(snores)
G'day, Trev.
Oh, Coral says sorry
but they've stolen ya shark.
They left this, but.
Oh, mate.
You're not still upset about that,
are ya?
What are you doin'?
No.
She doesn't know
what she does to me...
Jesus! We don't 'ave the time!
..Instinct of conformity
Mate, please.
- (Continues to sing)
- Please!
Help!
(Laughter)
(Speaks indistinctly)
(Laughter)
G'day, Shirley. How was Wollongong?
I wouldn't know, Jack,
I was in a mental hospital.
(Laughs uneasily) ..crazy.
Where have you been
the last three days, Barry?
What?
I said, where have you been
the last three days?
- What?
- And who's she?
- I painted that.
- What?
I see.
So nothing's changed, then, has it?
You're leaving me, Barry.
Actually, you left me a long time ago
but this time you're really leaving me.
What about me election?
What?
- I said what about me election?
- What?
- His election.
- What? What! What!
Oh.
- Where is it?
- Ah!
The plaque! The emergency plaque!
The emergency plaque!
Shirley! Shirley!
I have been savin' this
for a special occasion.
Your very own waterfall.
Named it after you.
Pushed it through the council
last year.
It's in the rainforest
near Mount Warning.
It's only a two-hour hike from
the road - if you use a machete.
Oh...
Shirley Moochmore Falls.
It's true.
I did fall.
I fell, deep in a forest.
And there was no-one there
to hear me.
Except there was someone.
And it wasn't you.
You had a family, Barry. You had a wife.
God created foam
Who created you?
His Son could walk on water
so that is how we knew.
To surf the tube.
Surf the tube Oh, yeah!
You can't have a bee
without a bit of buzz.
You can't expect to smoke a lot
and not have lots of fuzz.
As you surf the tube.
Surf the tube Yeah, Trev!
If JC were on Earth,
what would He do?
He'd surf the tube.
TROUT: Come on, Trev!
Hello, excuse me.
Um, hi, my name's Shirley Moochmore.
I used to be a patient here.
I was the one who thought her husband
had won Wheel Of Fortune.
Anyway, I'm fine now, thanks to you...
and Prozac, of course.
These are my daughters -
Leanne, Coral and that's Michelle...
We wanna see Sharon Thornbender.
WOMAN: Shirley!
Sandra!
(All cheer)
They got Shaz in 'ere? (Gasps)
Fuck! Ya mum's gonna shit!
Wait'll they clap eyes on each other!
Mum won't see us.
She reckons we're abnormal freaks.
- Hey, check out our weddin' rings.
- Oh, that's so nice.
We're here to bust Shaz out.
Yeah, that's why we got the koala.
Oh. And there's this.
(Exclaims)
- Don't worry, it's not real.
- No, no. No.
Once she's safe, I'll turn myself in
and plead insanity.
- Ya gone mad.
- I'd do the same for you.
ALL: Aww...
- You here for Shaz?
- Oh, yes.
Yeah, Shaz says
she doesn't wanna see youse.
Actually, she says she never wants
to see you again. Ever.
They asked me to give you this.
They said you'd understand.
SHIRLEY: Climb every mountain.
Search high and low.
Follow every byway.
BOTH: Every path you know.
ALL: Climb every mountain.
Ford every stream.
Follow every rainbow.
Till you find your dream.
SHIRLEY: A dream that will need.
ALL: All the love you can give...
How are you feeling, Nance?
A little zonked?
I'm not surprised.
We put 1,200 volts through ya head.
How 'bout a little walk, hey?
Climb every mountain.
Ford every stream.
Follow every rainbow.
Till you find your dream.
A dream that will need
All the love you can give...
Oh, fuck youse. Fuck youse all.
Every day of your life.
For as long as you live...
Nance! Nance!
They can sing! My girls can sing!
Family, Nance. That's what matters.
People accepting you for who you are.
And you accepting them right back.
Mum, I love you, Mum.
..You find your dream...
Oh.
I love you too, Mum.
Aww!
Look at Noxious with the dykes!
(Nancy screams)
(All shout)
Go for it!
She's gone mental again!
Let's go and free your daughter.
Do you believe in surfing?
Do you believe?
Aahhh...
The sun and the buoys, yeah,
the waves, yeah, the crashing seas.
(Continues singing)
Do you believe in surfing?
Do you believe?
Yeah!
(Groans)
Do you believe in surfing
Do you believe, yeah.
Do you believe in surfing?
I believe.
I believe, I believe, I believe,
I believe.
Trevor...
Oh!
Brutal.
- This is it.
- Jane, you take Ripper.
GIRL: Stand back.
Come on! Come on!
Hit it!
TREV: Shaz!
Step away from the tank!
Ripper, down.
No, Trev. Not possible.
I'll shoot ya.
(Girls scream)
I'll shoot ya dead.
Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to.
'Cause this time I'm doin' it.
She's gonna be free or I join 'er.
She's dead! Why don't ya let 'er die?
'Cause she calls me!
You hear 'er too! I know ya hear 'er!
'Course I hear 'er!
I hear 'er every day of me life!
In me heart! Me memories!
But not comin' out
of that fuckin' shark!
- Trev...
- Shut up, Coral!
- You're in over ya head.
- Ya want it to stop, Trev?
Pull the trigger.
'Cause I can't stop no other way.
Help me. You're the only one
who understands.
Help me.
SHAZ: Do it.
Do it.
No!
(Screaming)
OK! Forward!
- Go!
- Mum, move forward.
Come on, Trevor!
TREVOR: Slowly!
- Slowly!
- Slowly!
- Slowly!
- Slowly, Mum!
- Slowly!
I'm going slowly.
Easy.
(Speaks indistinctly)
Be careful, Trevor!
Easy does it.
TREVOR: What?
- Give me the rope! Chuck it now!
I'm right. Got it, yeah, I'm ready.
Got it. I've got it!
When she clears the tank, pull.
I love you, ya cunt.
You fuckin' mad bitch.
What now?
- Now?
- Now?
Now!
'Go!
(Shouting)
TREVOR: Stop!
Trev!
Shaz!
Haunting music.
He looks sorry.
He just wants me to show up
to his campaign launch, that's all.
Come on, Mum. What would Shaz do?
Tell your father I will go.
Under one condition.
Ladies and gentlemen,
he's the current... and future
Mayor of Dolphin Heads City Council,
Barry Moochmore!
(Cheering and applause)
(Audience murmurs)
(Tunelessly) Edelweiss, edelweiss
(Man chuckles)
Every morning you greet me
- What are you doing?
- Piss off.
Small and white.
Clean and bright
Have you lost your mind?
Get stuffed.
You look happy to meet me.
Blossom of snow
may you bloom and grow
Shut up.
Bloom and grow.
Forever Shut the fuck up.
Edelweiss, edelweiss
Shut up.
Bless my homeland...
You'll regret this forever.
Forever.
(Lone guitar strumming)
Edelweiss, edelweiss
(Crowd murmurs)
Every morning You greet me.
ALL: Small and white.
Clean and bright.
You look happy to meet me.
Blossom of snow
may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow!
Bloom and grow forever.
Edelweiss, edelweiss.
Bless my homeland forever.
(Cheering and applause)
They're just like the Von Trapps!
CROWD:
Moochmore, Moochmore, Moochmore...
AIDA: Gloria All'Egifio.
How embarrassing.
WOMAN: So long, farewell
Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight.
I hate to go
and leave this pretty sight...
I lived.
WOMAN: Cuckoo
MAN: Cuckoo.
MAN: The sun
WOMAN: The sun.
MAN: Has gone
WOMAN: Has gone.
No...
MAN: So long.
MAN: Farewell
WOMAN: J Farewell.
BOTH: Auf wiedersehen, goodbye
(Laughs)
BOTH: Goodbye
(Screams)
BOTH: Goodbye
Ooh! (Laughs)
MAN: Goodbye
(Barks)
WOMAN: Goodbye.
BOTH: Goodbye.
(Laughs maniacally)
Hip-hop song.
Captions by
Edited by FridayToker.
A SILENT FILM: Danny, Dakota
& The Wishing Well.
Danny met Dakota
looking deep into the wishing well.
Danny couldn't write
so Dakota taught him how to spell.
Dakota left school
and she moved down south.
She never knew why Danny
wouldn't open his mouth.
So she Woo woo.
She ran away Woo woo.
From the wishing well.
Danny got a job
and he kept every promise he made.
Dakota got married
Let the memories slip away.
And Danny never wrote
though he often cried.
Dakota missed Danny
but she didn't know why.
Dakota found her husband in a hotel
with her very best friend.
She tried to make it work
but she couldn't trust him again.
Dakota moved back to the wishing well.
But she never told Danny
'cause she couldn't tell.
If he still Woo woo.
Held a ame Woo woo.
For the love J Woo woo.
That Dakota stole when she ran
J Woo woo.
Away J Woo woo.
From the wishing well.
Go back, go back
To the wishing well.
Go back, go back
To the wishing well.
Go back, go back
To the wishing well.
Go back, go back, go back.
Months went by, Dakota learned
where Danny could be found.
Once a year he waited
by a deep stone hole in the ground.
Dakota found Danny
where they first had met.
She took his hand and she told him,
Friend, don't let.
Woo woo.
Me run away Woo woo.
Again J Woo woo.
From the love we found when we met.
Woo woo.
Looking deep
Go back, go back.
Into the wishing well.