1
TREMULOUS
- It's tough.
- Sure, it is.
Last year, do you remember?
You have relatives there?
My brother-in-law is in Acapulco.
Believe it or not,
you know why?
Because tonight
we celebrate our Independence!
This will do, young man.
For sure.
There you go.
Hold on.
- It's our turn, sir?
- Sure, hold on a second.
Thanks.
And don't forget to catch
tomorrow's military parade
- How much do I owe you?
- Forty.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Hey-
Thank you.
Good afternoon, are you open?
- Come in. Take a seat.
- Thanks.
It's our turn yet, sir?
Let's go, it's late.
Carlos, there was
an open lock this morning-
-be careful.
You're not celebrating?
- Nope.
Why? You're just a kid.
Well, call us if you want to.
Lock the door.
- T's closed.
- Look.
Come back on Friday-
-tomorrow's a holiday,
and the barber is gone.
Can't you do it?
I can't open the door, sorry.
I march tomorrow,
and then I leave town-
- I can't come back.
Thank you.
Take a seat.
You want some dinner?
What's your name, sir?
Don't call me that,
I'm Julio. And you?
Carlos.
Have you worked here long?
About a year.
Ricardo, the one who
cut your hair-
-he's my godfather,
he brought me here.
Where are you going?
To Tijuana,
we leave after the parade-
-it's a two day trip.
That's long.
Why are you going?
I don't know,
they never tell us.
I wouldn't leave,
I'm fine here.
Ricardo lets me study-
-that's what the tips are for.
Sorry.
You're such a doofus.
Hold on!
My back!
Can you dance?
Sure, why?
Come.
Fuck off.
Let's see.
Here we are,
all by ourselves.
What you see is what I am.
Don't ask for more than I am.
I don't know if tomorrow-
-if we'll be together,
if the world ends,
I don't know if I'm
the one for you, or you for me-
-if we'll love
or hate each other.
I don't know if tomorrow,
I don't know if tomorrow-
-who's going to be here?
This life is like a book,
every page is a day we lived.
Let's not try to run
before we walk.
Tonight, we're alive.
Only this moment is true.
Open it.
I have to get downtown.
YOUNG MAN ON THE BAR,
MASTURBATING WITH RAGE AND NERVE
Hello?
Yes, it's me.
OK, I see.
Well, my name is--
My name is Jonathan,
I'll charge you 1500 pesos--
-I have light brown skin, I'm 5'7.
Hot body,
my dick is 8 inches long, great ass.
I come from a small town
called El Roble, near Mazatlan.
Where that famous song comes from.
Eight blocks long,
four blocks wide. That's it.
Cows, sheep, chickens.
-I have no problem kissing
and sucking, as long as it's clean.
I was the most effeminate kid
you could find.
Everybody knew.
My family, the whole town--
- Cristhian is a fag.
There was no doubt about it.
OK, call me back, I'm ready to go.
At your service, sir.
Alright then. See you.
There was always that guy
who messed with you.
And there you were,
sucking him off later.
But you were the gay one--
--and he was straight, so it was a secret.
He would say he liked chicks.
And three days later,
he would give it another try.
They didn't want a relationship,
even if they actually did--
-mostly because
they would come back.
For me, being gay
was like being a girl.
What does a girl need?
A big macho for her.
If I'm gay,
I'll find a curious straight--
--and I'll be with him.
For me, being gay was
being effeminate. Absolutely.
That's why I was like that,
you have no idea--
- I'd prance down the street,
walking down the runway.
I used to think gays
didn't fuck each other.
They were like women, so--
I was no lesbian, right?
Go figure!
Everything changed in Mazatlan,
because I had to change.
My first time at a gay bar,
I started to see--
-gays kissing each other!
And then, a manly gay guy,
with an effeminate one--
--and the effeminate one
kissed him, and grabbed his butt.
Something I didn't do,
I didn't kiss them or hug them.
That's when I changed my mind
about relationships.
When I found out a relationship
was possible between gay men--
--a real loving relationship.
From that moment on,
no more straight guys for me.
Until today, no way.
One thing we always knew
was that I liked to dance.
I didn't see it
as something artsy--
--it was just dancing.
I never saw myself
as a dancer, teacher, or something.
Absolutely not.
I didn't have that in me.
I studied in Mazatlan,
and I worked to pay for it.
We were reading in silence, in class.
Everything was quiet.
Out of nowhere, I hear the radio--
- they announced a dance competition.
And I thought:
A competition? I like to dance.
I closed my book and walked out--
- I'm sure everyone was shocked.
I had to leave,
there was a competition.
One of the judges was a choreographer-
- from a hotel in Mazatlan,
which had regular shows.
I won the contest,
and he needed dancers--
-0, he offered me a job.
That's where it all began.
After a year, I became
the choreographer for a while.
A company called Delfos came by,
and I invited them to the show--
- by the end, Claudia Lavista,
the director, told me--
-I should train to become
a professional dancer.
What did this lady mean?
Professional? I was getting paid!
I had no idea she was
one of the top modern dancers ever.
One of my dancers told me
about an audition--
- to be a professional dancer
at a company.
Again with the professional thing!
Professional?
Modern dance? What's that?
I asked: how much?
They told me how much.
I asked: how many days a week?
Five, with one 30 minute show.
It was convenient.
All the pros who came
from many big cities-
--they were there,
stretching their legs and everything.
And I was in a corner,
jumping and flexing like a boxer-
- that was my warm up.
They were all laughing.
And they decided to give me,
Cristhian Rodriguez, a chance.
Can you imagine?
I haven't had an actual dance class
until that moment.
I knew how to dance--
- but I didn't know
what my body was doing.
I learned everything I needed--
--to go from 'guy who danced' to dancer.
9 months later,
I felt I had learned enough-
- learned ballet,
modern dance, yoga.
And I was ready for the capital.
So, I needed a guy
who could be my host there.
I became the lover of a gringo,
and hooked up with a guy--
-I used to ask if they had
a place to stay or I skipped them.
They told me should find
a dance company called La Cebra.
It may interest you.
I was 22, I couldn't
waste my time--
-I needed a place
that could be my school.
When I got to La Cebra,
and I realized-
-despite my training,
I was nothing.
I realized there was
a long way to go.
And also, La Cebra had
some amazing dancers at the time.
You could tell,
they had long hours of training.
A military training, almost.
Hard work to be the best of you.
I realized I needed that place.
Jos Rivera, founder of La Cebra,
despite my shortcomings--
--he saw that I got it,
and he gave me a chance.
My career doesn't pay a lot--
- there's rent, food, all my needs.
- Hello?
- Hello.
I'm all set here.
Hotel Caribe, room 403.
It's downtown.
OK, I'll be there
in 30 minutes.
I'll bring everything.
Condoms, lube.
Alright then. See you.
I've been everywhere, I'm tired.
Miami, Puerto Vallarta,
Mazatlan, Mexico.
It's tough, to plant the seeds,
without growing them.
You leave your place,
and then, it's not there.
There's always people at the door.
What do you do? Whatever it takes.
- Hello
- Come in.
- How are you?
- Fine, and you?
- Fine, fine.
- Take a seat.
- Thanks.
What would you like?
Where do we start?
I'm OK with whatever.
It's your call.
I'm in charge?
Unless it's something
I don't want to do, you're in charge.
- It's my first time paying.
- I can tell, you're young.
- Why?
- It's my birthday.
We should celebrate, then.
- How long have you been doing it?
- Like, ten years, maybe.
- Do you still get nervous?
- Not at all. Maybe at first--
- but it was my call,
50 I'm OK with it.
- Do you like being an escort?
- Yes.
People think it's easy,
but it's not.
I could've done anything else,
but I'd rather do this.
I don't drink, or smoke,
or do drugs.
But I sure love sex.
That's my drug.
Welcome to Marrakech Saln,
we're proud to present-
--a sexy performance!
Straight from the best clubs
in LA and Miami--
-put your hands together
for this hottie--
- the wandering Cristhian Rodriguez!
Tonight he's making
your jaw drop!
I don't want to be a cashier,
or work at Starbucks.
I love what I do--
I can't handle being unhappy
doing something else.
What else do I like? Sex, of course.
I've had my own projects,
collaborations with other people.
That's tough, you have to
use your own money.
I don't quit,
I sporadically go back to them.
I haven't been able
to solve my personal finances.
They all give you
a place to train, or a venue--
--but no one gives you money.
When I'm 40,
I would like my own art studio.
Maybe I need to have
my own laundromat first.
The price to pay for doing
what you love is expensive.
It's not tough to
sell my body.
It's sex, after all.
And I'm hooked on sex.
I don't have a rich husband,
or a fairy godfather--
- have to look out for myself.
To make my own money for myself.
We are always alone,
more alone than we can imagine...
it is the authentic solitude.
Discrimination favors the vulnerability and
violation of the rights of those who suffer,
we start to make it
visible in all its dimensions.
Hate could be anybody.
A stranger, a partner, a friend.
WANDERING CLOUDS
I walk over the fear.
Surroundings with hidden eyes
that stare at me, something scares them.
It hurts them, it angers them.
His eyes are full of fear,
they stare at me with hate.
Hate is a black sun,
full of splinters, behind his eyes.
His black eyes cast fear upon me.
His fear is sharp.
His fear is thick hate, cutting us both.
Fuck yeah, man!
That was great, dude.
- How did you feel?
- It was lame, man.
You're getting better, diving better.
This was lame, it hurt like a bitch.
You're getting better.
Hate and fear are symbiotic,
they can't exist without each other.
My freedom is an aerialist,
on the verge of being attacked.
However-
-happiness comes inside
of me and overflows,
I'm the incarnation of peace.
Sometimes I'm a parenthesis full of air,
happiness goes through it with light.
Freedom is an aerialist,
on the verge of being attacked.
Nevertheless, it dances in me, full of me.
Sometimes I'm me.
A language that entwines us
blooms from our silence.
Brothers of the same fear,
I know your pain.
Your past gets projected upon mine.
Cure your wounds in me.
Free for a moment.
Wandering clouds, our bodies talk.
Greeting our harasser from afar.
A parenthesis where freedom
goes through us with its light.
Hate smells the fear.
Hate smells the fear,
hate smells the fear...
What?
- Running back to your boyfriend?
- Hate smells my fear.
Fear is with me, fear is in my body.
Fear is my body letting him
know: I'm helpless.
He doesn't like something in me,
he wants to rip it off.
Fear makes me a victim of my own fear.
- Fucking AIDS-ridden fag.
- My fear attracts his violence.
Manuel, leave him alone!
Fag overboard...
Who's a faggot?
Leave him.
- What the hell?
- I'm sorry.
What's going on?
Why do you hug him?
Brothers of the same fear.
Leaving you would be like
abandoning myself.
I could then I chickened out in a crowd,
prevent, to swing on sleep, your head
crashed against the glass.
On the street he is crying and did not
understand.
Undertook the despair and anger.
Swear that never again would I care and, 20
years later, I do not care.
Atmosphere
Atmosphere. Atmos, steam, sphere.
1. The air envelope surrounding the Earth.
2. The gaseous envelope surrounding
a heavenly body.
3. The space in which something
or someone's influence can be felt.
4, A dominant or pervading mood, positive or
negative, towards something.
5. Unit of pressue equal to the pressure
exerted by a column of mercury 29.92" high.
Remain calm.
Stay away from crowds,
avoid any direct contact with light,
its spread hasn't been contained.
Remember, remain calm
and avoid any unnecessary contact,
with objects, people,
the atmosphere and its particles.
Breaking news: for security reasons,
coastlines have been evacuated.
39 degrees.
It has been determined
that infection may occur by other means.
Massive spread, previous to
major evacuation of troubled areas,
caused agitation and panic shopping.
Breaking news: 40 degrees.
Symptoms start with
allergic reactions to the sun.
Breaking news.
The origin of infection remains unknown,
we fear an exponential increase in cases.
Upon a possible pandemic,
information is our strongest
weapon, they tell us.
Stay home, remain calm, avoid any contact,
with objects, people.
There's risk of infection.
Breaking news: 40 degrees.
Have a nice day.
45 degrees.
Hygiene.
Hygiene measures are vital
in these circumstances.
Scientists suspect pollution
in the water system.
Boil the water.
Breaking news: be prudent.
Manage your supplies wisely.
Remember we are in a delicate state
and time is undetermined.
Breaking news.
The origin of infection remains unknown,
we fear an exponential increase in cases.
Upon a possible pandemic, stay home,
remain calm, avoid any contact.
There's risk of infection.
Breaking news: 40 degrees.
Have a nice day.
In your eyes I see
the smile I give to you.
In your eyes I see
the sadness I give to you.
In away, another way,
don't move, careful.
Without your eyes I see,
what I don't...
This summer, sunny days,
without tourists polluting
clean coastlines, a cleaner sea.
Its apparent purity awakes lost hope.
Forced isolation for health reasons,
caused alarming levels
of depression and stress.
Medicines are scarce,
the evening is refreshing.
Breaking news: 41 degrees.
Remain calm, avoid any contact.
The number of cases per
infection has multiplied.
Do not cause disturbances,
stay away from crowds,
protect yourself.
The contaminated atmosphere,
particles on air,
any object could be unhealthy.
Caution and isolation, they declare,
is our strongest weapon.
Do not panic, avoid any contact,
don't lose control.
When the beach burst with light and sun,
When the sea, with its whisper,
talked to me about love,
When I dreamt into the blue,
The dream came true, you came along.
Our love may be a flower of summer,
And a cruel autumn breeze will make it fade.
The end of my dream and my illusion,
And in this beach, my heart will wreck.
The sand and the sea will stay the same,
The beach will remain in solitude.
The echo of your voice will extinguish,
The footprints of our pain will be erased.
When the beach shines again with the sun,
I'll be there and I'll remember by the sea,
I'll reminisce on the vastness of our love,
Which brought me happiness.
I'll reminisce on the vastness of our love.
Contingency was coming true, the feelings
Red
Everybody cries,
so that if one day we will all die
and your still here, inexhaustible.
My friendship with Miguel Angel Reyes
TO LIVE
A trilogy by Julian Hernandez
Stolen plaintive
We rescued them, we rescued them...
We rescued them, we brought them...
We brought them here...
- We rescued them...
- We rescued them...
- We brought them...
We brought them, here...
- We rescued them...
- We rescued them...
- We brought them...
We brought them, here...
for
Mario Alberto
Sunday November 28, 1999
around 1:25 am
THE PAIN
Talk to me, talk to me...
Talk to me, talk to me...
Talk to me, talk to me...
Talk to me...
Do you love me?
Tell me if you love me.
"THERE MUST, BE PRAISED, SOME CERTAINTY,
IF NOT LOVING WELL, THEN NOT."
Until today we were silent because we have
not known how, but many, many times, his
memory comes and spreads over us, accomplice
and protector and lets us know that is true,
above all worth love. Go pain as this pair
Roxana Ruiz and Enrique Ortiga
RIVERS IN TIME OF RAIN
He still loves you,
you should thank God for that.
No, Father. I don't want to see him again.
Tell him he can't see me ever again.
He's worthy of the highest women's love.
Give it time, and don't worry so much.
I can't do this anymore, Father.
I love him too--
- that's why I'm worried I might ruin him.
Don't be so cruel with yourself
and the ones who love you.
You're innocent,
you shouldn't suffer like that.
Don't hide.
Go to mass with everybody else.
We could never be apart.
We're like the same person.
I came back just for you--
- love you more than ever.
I can't live without you.
These matters of love
are like the rivers in time of rain, dear--
Ryan Suits