You ever fart and sneeze
at the same time?
You ever barf up something
you know you didn't eat?
I got sick one time
and barfed a whole shrimp.
I mean, I know I chewed it.
I got a better one.
Once, I barfed so hard
that I pulled a string bean
out of my nose.
That was gross.
Oh, that's so slimy.
Ew.
You know when you just
wake up, and you're sick,
and you're just waiting
to suck it down.
Aw, man you could hawk one
of those ten feet, easy.
No, no, no... it's better
to blow them out your nose.
No, no, it's better to suck.
Now, those are not
the best loogies.
My cousin hawked a loogie
from the top of the
Empire State Building.
Hit a lady in the head.
Killed her.
He's in prison now.
In prison for snot.
Boom, boom.
Okay, you guys, come on.
We place here
in the time capsule...
the sacred shoe box.
Okay, in the sacred shoe box,
the things we do not understand,
to be opened again when all
the mysteries of the universe
have been revealed to us.
Who's first? Kevin.
I found it in my mom's secret
drawer, in this plastic box.
I know what this is.
It goes in the bottom of
the bathtub to stop the drain.
No, it doesn't.
It's a diaphragm.
It prevents the passage
of sperm into the uterus...
in girls.
How do you know that?
I saw it on Nightline.
I'm telling you, Frank,
it goes in the bottom
of the bathtub.
I think it's
a travel drinking cup.
She'll never miss it.
Wait, don't drink out of it
until we know what it is.
Yeah.
Brad.
I found it in my sister's room.
I believe it's
some kind of weapon.
A picture of my dead mother.
How come you're
putting it in the box?
Because I don't know why
my dad keeps all of her pictures
hidden in the attic, and tells
me she looked like Grace Kelley.
Who's Grace Kelley?
Oh, she was a very famous clown.
She was a princess.
And, also...
I don't know what
it's like to have a mother.
We could tell you.
You can't tell somebody
something like that.
Have you ever noticed
that girls don't fart?
My mom farts.
Looks like a boob.
Yeah.
Make them fly around.
My boob's bigger than yours.
Let's see if you can
catch my boob.
You've got, like,
a mosquito bite boob, Frank.
Why don't girls spit?
They're hiding
something from us.
The rules have changed.
Gotcha.
It's a battle of the sexes...
and believe me,
we are way behind.
Shit!
I can't dance.
You see this, Frank?
This little seedling
represents an entire species
of marsh grass.
If it lives,
the wetlands will survive,
Mortlake turtle can return
to its natural habitat,
and birds like the glossy ibis
won't lose another
precious nesting place.
Dad, if you don't get dressed,
we'll be late for school.
Dad, if you don't get dressed,
we'll be late for school.
Hey, hey, look at this.
You won a prize.
Yeah.
What is that?
Homework.
They're assigning Cosmopolitan
as homework?
No, they assigned this,
but I'm getting nowhere with it.
You can't relate that
to the real world.
Like how?
Like, was Mom a virgin
when you married her?
What are you studying, religion?
Sex.
Are you going to tell me
about Mom or not?
No.
Boy, that's good coffee.
Fresh brewed?
Instant.
Now, how 'bout
if you love someone?
Do you have to have sex
with them?
This can't be instant.
We ran out of beans.
And if you kiss a girl,
what base is that,
and where's the birth canal?
I have a chart.
You never have to have sex
if you don't want to,
kissing a girl's first base,
the birth canal's right there,
and you shouldn't have sex
unless you're in love
and probably married.
Why not?
I don't remember-
it has something to do
with not wanting to have babies
with people you don't know.
It says in this magazine
that there's a spot on
a woman you can touch
to drive her completely insane.
I don't think
the magazine's a good idea.
And in my experience,
there is no such place.
Dad.
What?
When I grow up, do I have
to have hair all over my body?
You saw your sister
naked in the shower?
Sort of.
I was hiding
in the laundry basket.
Hey, Stacey.
Hi, Brad.
I saw you in
the drug store yesterday.
You were buying Juicy Fruit gum.
Are you going to
the dance Saturday?
It's a '50s sock hop,
you know.
I'm thinking of going
to the dance.
Can I wear
your Jacket today, Brad?
Oh, come on,
what do you want for it?
I want to take you
to the closet...
No way!
You are so bad.
What'd you say to her?
I told her what I wanted.
I don't think
she's that kind of girl.
She's a girl, Frank.
All girls are
that kind of girl.
She didn't used to be a girl.
Hey, guys.
What are we looking at?
What's that?
I think it's an elbow.
What's it doing
with that other elbow?
Doesn't look like anything
I ever want to do,
that's for sure.
Will you stop cleaning?
Why do you do that?
My dad demands complete
order and sanitation.
I know a place where the girls
are naked all the time,
where guys can see naked girls
all they want, 24 hours a day
for anyone with guts
and a hundred bucks.
I don't believe
such a place exists.
Where is this?
What are you talking about?
The city.
We're not allowed
to go to the city.
In the city
there are no rules.
Everything is possible,
and everything is available
for a price.
Lucky for us,
our needs are small.
What are our needs?
T o see a woman naked.
Let me see the money.
Come on, let me see the money.
The money.
Let me see the money.
The money.
Keep it moving.
Come on, come on,
give me the money.
All right, come on.
Keep it running smoothly.
Looks beautiful on you.
Give me the money.
Thank you.
That sure is a lot
of milk money.
Kevin, some things
are more important
than milk, all right?
Well, what do you need
all this money for, anyway?
Oh, we're going
to buy a pros...
...thetic leg.
For his dog.
His dog lost his leg.
So, what'd you tell your dad?
I said I was eating
at Kevin's house.
I said I was eating
at Brad's house.
I said I was eating
at Frank's house.
Whoo, yeah!
You think the city's big.
It's huge!
And lots of naked ladies.
If I had my own naked lady,
I'd never leave my room.
If you had your own naked lady,
I'd never leave your room.
So, hold on-
do you got the money?
We got everything!
Whoo!
Whoa...
Whoa...
Oh, no.
I want to go back.
Hey, the footpath's for virgins.
We are virgins!
Hey, not for long.
If you guys get killed,
I'm going home.
Beautiful.
Oh, my God.
Do you believe this?
This woman
gave birth to her own head,
and it sang to her.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Hey, Cash, where you going?
You don't ask me that.
Never ask me that!
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just forgot for a second.
Guys, come here.
Whoa!
This is going to be
tougher than we thought.
How do we tell a prostitute
from everybody else?
Yeah, how do we know
we're not asking a ballerina,
or a lawyer, or a math teacher
to take off her clothes?
We just got
to go for it.
Frank, I think
I need to see the money.
Excuse me, miss,
do you have a minute?
Uh, ma'am?
Get out of my way.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Are you a prostitute?
What?
Will you take your clothes off
for $103.62?
Thanks, Kevin.
What? What'd I do?
- You all right?
- No.
Psst, psst, psst. Guys...
You guys need some help?
Are you talking to us?
Yeah.
We want to see a naked lady.
Ooh, how much money you got?
$103.62.
Really?
That'll do it.
Come on.
Right through here.
Come on, come on, come on.
Where?
There are naked women in here?
Guys, you got to trust me.
Why should we trust you?
Because I got a gun.
Okay, open up, big boy.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Okay, backpacks.
Come on, do it.
Do it now!
I'm full, I'm full.
He's got a gun.
Get down, get down.
Stay down.
Stay.
Stay.
You okay?
Yeah.
Get us out of here!
Hey! Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Son of a bitch!
I want my money!
Oh, goddamn it!
You all right?
Yeah.
How am I going to get home?
I'm going to get in such trouble
for this.
Us, too.
Shit.
Well, I'm out of here.
You better go.
Do you need any help, ma'am?
Ma'am?
No, thanks.
You sure you don't need
something?
I need 100 bucks,
or I'm going to get smacked.
You got that?
Yes, I do.
You can have it.
You saved my life.
What are you doing
with all that money?
We wanted to see
a naked lady.
Oh, God.
You know what?
Why don't you take
that money and go home,
before you get hurt, okay?
I- I wish I could, but...
it means a lot to my friends,
and we just want a look.
How much looking?
As much as money can buy.
Okay.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, pull your shirts up
over your heads.
You first.
Show me yours,
and I'll show you mine.
Our what?
Armpits, come on.
Come on.
Okay, you're not hairy enough
to be dangerous.
We're not hairy at all.
So, what's your name, lady?
V.
Like the letter?
What's it stand for?
What's your name?
Kevin.
I'm Frank.
Brad.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Oh, God.
Come on, come in.
Excuse me.
What do we do now?
Just ask her to...
you know.
You kids see a lot of hookers?
No, this is our first one.
Why do you have
a picture of Grace Kelley?
'Cause I'd like to be like her:
Marry a prince
and never get old.
When you take your clothes off
for money, do you get cold?
Depends on the room.
I have this dream
that I'm naked at school,
and I have to get home
without anyone seeing me.
I have that dream, too.
Last time I had that dream,
there was an alligator
chasing me.
You ever get that one?
Nope.
Do you ever watch cartoons?
Yes.
Are you married?
Boy, you ask a lot of questions.
The meter's ticking.
She's on the bed.
She's on the bed!
Now, how do you
want to do this:
standing up or on the bed?
I'll stand.
I meant me, not you.
- On the bed.
- On the bed.
On the bed.
Bed.
Okay. Come here.
Do you want the lights
on or off?
Is she naked yet?
Don't start until I can see.
You turned off the lights.
We can't see.
All set?
What's the matter?
- I can't do it.
- I want to be a gentleman.
Doesn't a gentleman bring enough
for everybody?
This is the greatest moment
of my life.
Okay, that's it. Time's up.
Any questions?
After sex, you smoke.
It's a rule.
Anybody have any matches?
- No.
- No.
I feel it now. We're different.
How?
We're men.
Yeah.
Men without bikes.
Oh, boy.
Waltzer, Waltzer, look,
don't worry.
Your cut's waiting for you,
that's right.
Relax. Relax.
Look, I tell you what...
- Ow!
- Right.
Look, if you don't get all
of your dough,
feel free to kill me.
What do I look like, huh?
A Laundromat?
A slot machine?
'Cause I am not a slot machine.
You are a slot machine.
Step right up here, folks,
there's a winner every minute.
Sorry.
Oh, what,
I- I hurt your feelings?
No.
No, and you want to know why?
'Cause you don't got
no feelings.
Yes, I do.
I'm a person,
and I have feelings.
Oh, ho, you're a person now.
Hey, she's not a person,
is she, Betty?
Yeah, she sort of is.
Nobody's talking to you.
You know what
the test is, baby?
If you were a person,
you could do
whatever you want...
Ow.
and you can't,
'cause you do whatever
I tell you to do,
isn't that right, Betty?
Y eah.
I, on the other hand,
am a person.
I do what I want.
I take what I want.
I don't have to answer
to nobody.
Everybody answers to somebody.
You answer to Waltzer,
Waltzer answers
to Jerry the Pope.
Oh, oh, you think so, huh?
Yeah.
Waltzer steals from Jerry,
I steal from Waltzer.
They think that this
is their turf,
but they're wrong.
This all belongs to me.
I'm the man.
Yeah... you're the man, Cash.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, and the man's got
to go out.
Don't neither of yous two move
until I get back.
I am a person.
I'm a human being.
Yeah.
T ell the asshole
I'm borrowing his car.
Hey, you can't do that, V.
Oh, yes, I can.
Didn't your mothers tell you
not to play in the rain?
Bye. Thanks.
Thank you.
See you guys.
This is where you live?
Yep. The yellow house
over there.
Do you like it?
Yeah, it's okay.
It was nice meeting you.
Likewise.
You're a very well-behaved
young man, you know.
Thanks.
All right.
Veronica.
Virginia?
West Virginia?
Good-bye.
I never really looked,
you know.
I didn't see anything.
That was funny.
Dad!
Hey!
Looks like TV.
Can I use your phone?
The phone's over here.
Where are your parents?
I only have one.
A father.
He's in the T onapiya
Wetlands.
What's that?
Well, this was all once
the T onapiya Wetlands.
He's trying to save
the last five acres,
but he won't.
Why?
No money.
He teaches science by day,
and, I don't know,
tries to save the wetlands
by night.
I admire him,
but I pity him, too.
You pity him?
Well, yeah,
his goals aren't realistic.
That's him.
Wait a minute...
maybe he shouldn't find me here,
you know?
Why not?
He's seen grown-ups before.
Hey, Dad.
Hey, Frank.
Dad, look.
Over there.
It's a girl.
I know.
What do you say?
Thank you?
T o her, to her.
Dad, this is V.
V, this is Dad.
Hello.
Hello... Dad.
What's she doing here?
Her car broke down.
Yeah, but who is she?
She's, uh...
she's Brad's new math tutor.
She gave me a ride home
from his house,
and then her car
wouldn't start.
You know what it is?
Well, it's not the starter.
Tom.
Larry.
Wow.
So, Frank was telling me
what you do.
Really?
Yeah. Do you enjoy it?
Enjoy it?
Sometimes.
Yeah, you get to move around,
change of scenery,
meet new people.
Well...
I never thought of it
that way.
You seem like
a real people person.
Oh.
Outgoing. Not like me.
No?
Thanks.
I bet you're really good at it.
Well, there's only one way
to find out.
Boy, am I glad
to hear you say that...
because it's the one subject
he's having trouble with.
You think you could fit him in?
"Him?"
Frank.
Frank? Are you kidding?
At his age?
Well, I'm afraid
if he doesn't learn it now,
he's never going to.
You know, I would
teach him myself,
but I'm way out of practice.
Ah!
Oh. Um...
You know, you should
never have to practice.
Well, that's easy
for you to say.
You're a professional.
But for us laymen,
if you don't use it,
you lose it.
Well, how long has it been,
you know, since you... used it?
Oh... I use it a little bit
every day, you know-
the bank,
the grocery store-
but it, you know...
It's probably been
a good ten, 15 years
since I was any good at it,
you know.
It doesn't come up that often.
Maybe it's the neighborhood.
Tom.
- Larry.
- Wow.
Well, it's not the battery.
In the morning, I'll check
the fuel line for you,
the alternator, the pump.
You know, it could be
your plugs are worn down.
I'll replace them for you
in the morning.
In the meantime, uh...
could I give you
a ride home?
Um, no, I can walk.
So, what do you think?
Can you help him?
I'd much rather
do something for you.
Well, what could you do for me?
Well, it seems
like you've forgotten
just about everything.
Well, I remember the basics...
but it's...
I'm not concerned about myself.
It's Frank I'm worried about.
You know, it's just not
that important to me anymore.
Poor man.
Look at that woman.
Oh, my God.
Her top is so low.
And her skirt is so high.
That is bad.
It is.
It's very, very bad.
Are you, uh...
what I think you are?
Well, I'm not
the public health nurse.
Would you... like some company?
Yes, I would.
Hi.
Hi, Andy.
Hi, boss.
Hi.
Did you hear that?
That was bad.
That was very, very bad.
Want a date?
I don't think
that's going to work.
That's Reverend Whitehead.
God doesn't let him do that.
Got you an ice cream.
Being on the job
probably makes you hungry.
Thanks.
What are you doing here?
Looking for you.
Where are you going
to sleep tonight?
In a hotel, if you'll get lost
and let me make some money.
I- I don't think
you should be doing this.
What are you,
some kind of child missionary?
Sort of.
I did have an idea
about the sleeping thing.
Hi, Frank.
She spoke to me.
I speak to her,
but she never speaks to me.
Hey, Frank, going to the dance?
I- I can't dance.
Me, neither.
Aren't you going to introduce us
to your friend, Frank?
I'm Frank's father's sister,
Aunt V,
and Frank and I are
very, very close,
aren't we, Frank?
We've got to be going now.
See you later.
Look at the way she walks.
That is bad.
That is very, very bad.
Are you running away?
No. What are you doing?
I'm organizing the fund-raiser.
Again?
There's only two more weeks
before they bulldoze
my five acres.
Who will you invite?
I don't know.
Thanks, pal.
Frank.
You know G?
G?
The math tutor.
Yeah.
She's a Grace Kelly, isn't she?
Yeah.
Light, reading material...
Hey.
dinner with everything...
Oh, great. Thanks.
Pajamas.
Okay.
Turn around.
Why?
Because I'm going
to change,
and you don't have
any more money.
This is sweet.
It was my mom's.
Isn't she going
to miss it?
She died before I was born.
I don't think that's possible.
She died exactly when
I was born, to the minute.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You can
turn around now.
What's this?
Did some rich guy
give it to you?
Is it worth a million bucks?
No.
Oh, did your mom give it to you,
and then she died,
and that's all you have
to remember her by?
No. I stole it.
Oh.
T oo bad it's empty.
T oo bad you don't have a guy
to put in your locket.
A guy with a house,
a job, a car,
credit cards...
and a son.
Yeah, I know
what you're trying to do,
and it's not going to work.
Well, what am I trying to do?
You want me to go out
with your dad.
No, I don't.
That's good.
I want you to marry my dad.
Let me explain.
I never mix business
with pleasure.
I'm not talking about pleasure.
I'm talking
about you marrying my dad.
But people like your dad
don't marry women like me.
Well... I told him what you did,
and he didn't mind.
I told the truth.
Really?
I don't know.
I think the truth
kind of gets you in trouble.
You know what
you should do?
Find your dad one of those
nice women that we saw in town.
Nice women don't understand him.
I don't even understand him.
He spends all of his time
wading around in mud,
cataloging plants.
Good night. Use the can
if you need anything.
Can?
Looks like a boob.
Hello, V?
V.
V, this is Frank.
From the can.
This is V.
My dad thinks you look
like Grace Kelly.
Good night.
Good night, Frank.
I'm telling you, she slept
in the tree house last night.
You're so full of shit.
Oh, my God- a "C."
My dad is going
to kill me.
What's wrong with a "C"?
Her car broke down
in front of my house.
She had to stay.
She's there right now.
She's going
to tell on us, I know.
She's not there.
I bet you a zillion
billion dollars
that you are full of shit.
You're on.
Name your price.
Your leather Jacket.
Oh, thank God- a "D."
- What?
- Oh, no, no,
I'd rather bet
a zillion billion dollars.
Look, if she's not at my house
after school,
I'll be your slave for life.
These are
excellent terms, Brad.
You're toast.
Oh, no.
He got an "F".
Your understanding of
the female reproductive cycle
is simply not satisfactory.
I'm giving you a second chance
by assigning an
oral presentation.
Oral- as in from the mouth?
That's exactly right.
An oral presentation
on the material
with footnotes and visual aids,
due by the end of the week.
What kind of visual aids?
Well, Suzanne,
trash day
in the red light district
took on new meaning today
as one unlucky local resident
made a grisly discovery.
He found sitting innocently
among the trash cans at the curb
the dead body
of an unidentified white male.
The body,
when examined by paramedics,
showed signs of what police are
calling ritualistic mutilation.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
...or release
the name of the victim.
But speculation on the street
is that the killing was related
to drug running
and prostitution.
Millionaire importer
and reputed mob boss
Jerry the Pope
denied allegations that moneys
from local prostitution
operations
were being funneled
through his corporation.
Hello.
Betty, it's V.
I'm just watching the news.
What happened?
Um... Cash stole from Waltzer,
so Waltzer cut his heart out.
Guess he wasn't a person
after all.
V, Cash said that
you took the money.
That's not true.
I, I believe you, but...
you got to tell Waltzer
in person.
Um...
T ell me where you are,
and I'll come to you.
V?
Got to...
Oh, shit.
Got to get out of here. Okay.
Oh!
Excuse me.
Sorry, excuse me.
Thank you.
Who do I need to find?
What am I doing?
Uh, Dad. Dad.
Find Dad.
Um, excuse me.
I'm looking
for Frank's father.
He's a teacher here.
Oh, what's his goddamn name?
His name is, um...
Tom.
Tom, that's his name.
...the edges on the sedge.
That's one of the ways
you can tell-
sedges have edges.
Now, if you look at
the composition of this soil
closely under a microscope,
you could see traces of
thousands and thousands
of years of evolution.
Thanks, Mr. Wheeler.
You're welcome, Nate.
- Mr. Wheeler.
- Mm-hmm.
Is this toad flax?
No, that's Impatiens capensis.
That's also known
as touch-me-not.
You guys,
I found a touch-me-not.
Untouched, unspoiled,
here in the middle
of suburban uniformity,
you can find...
a tiny wilderness.
Dad.
Brian, don't be an idiot.
Hey, Dad... whoa.
I need to talk to you
for a second.
I didn't know
he had a daughter.
I need you to fix my car.
I was planning on
fixing that after school.
I can't wait that long.
I mean, I need to leave town.
I've got to get out
of here right now.
T ell me about it, lady.
We all want
to get out of here.
Are you late for an appointment
with a client?
Are you a religious fanatic
or something?
No. Why?
Oh...
'cause you're just
the most understanding man
I've ever met.
Thank you.
Wow, look at this place.
What is this?
This is the...
T anapaya Wet Lands.
What's left of it.
This is the place that
you're trying to save?
Mm-hmm.
It's so beautiful.
You think so?
Yeah.
Why would anybody
want to ruin this?
Well...
Look...
A glossy ibis.
I watch a lot of
documentaries on TV.
You know, maybe I
don't have to leave.
I mean, it's so safe here and
nobody knows about this place.
Except you and me.
Just you and me.
And the 20 of us.
I'll be home by 4:00.
I could fix your car then.
Okay.
Can you manage on foot?
Yeah, I have this, this, um...
I have this old bike here.
Hey, hey, that's my bike.
Oh...
Bye.
It's her car. It's her car.
What are you doing?!
I'm taking a bath.
Why?
Well, because my boss
had his heart ripped out,
and some very bad people
are looking for me,
so I'm staying for a while.
I've seen The Brady Bunch,
nothing bad ever happens
to you people.
I told you.
You got to get rid of her,
she'll tell our parents.
If my dad finds out,
I am dead.
They don't even know
I lost my bike.
You guys, relax.
She's not going to tell.
She's my friend.
She's going to marry my dad.
Marry her? Marry her?
He can't marry her.
No one can marry her,
'cause when people get married
they tell everything.
She'll tell, she'll tell.
They all tell.
Kevin, listen to me.
If she tells,
we'll all say it's Frank.
Fine.
Brad.
You're wearing my Jacket.
I thought we bet
a billion zillion dollars.
We need to get
a few things straight.
Dad won't be home
till 4:00- relax.
Look, here's the deal.
You can stay in my tree fort
and you can play in the house
only when Dad's at work.
No smoking,
no swearing, and no
letting Dad know
you're staying here.
And don't take
your clothes off for money.
Anything else?
Yeah, I need some help
with my homework.
What's the subject?
How long do you want me to wait?
Until you're more mature, Frank.
A sexual relationship
with a woman
is a very, very precious thing.
I was talking about dinner.
It's getting cold.
Oh... I knew that.
You ready?
Yeah.
Ready, set, go.
Ah, beat you.
Who was a faster eater,
you or Mom?
We never raced.
What kind of microwave
dinners did she like?
We cooked real food.
You miss real food?
How can I?
I've never eaten it.
All right, everybody,
I want you to sit down.
Okay, come on.
Let's get started. Time.
Sit down.
Do you believe he comes
to school with it on?
Frank, are you ready
to begin your report?
No, not yet.
Owen Meany Junior High.
Just a moment.
Miss Fetch,
please report to the office.
You have a phone call.
All right.
Frank, don't do anything
until I get back.
Of course.
Let's get started.
On what?
Started on what?
Hello.
Hello? Hello?
The line is dead.
This.. is a woman.
These... are her breasts.
They serve an important
biological function
in child-rearing
as both a food source,
and headrests.
Size and shape of breasts
may vary
from person to person,
but number
is constant: one, two.
Please?
Whoa.
Children!
- Who wants me to go on?
- Children!
Unlock this door.
Now, I didn't want to do this,
but it's part of the assignment.
These... are the ovaries.
That's where the eggs are.
Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs...
Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs,
eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.
Each ovary is connected
to its very own Fallopian tube,
- which swings...
- Frank!
...which swings down
sort of like this,
like a little freeway.
I want this door open now!
Leading to...
the uterus-
about this size baby motel.
Just roughly... here.
What?
It tickles.
Oh, sorry.
Where was I?
The uterus.
Excuse me?
"This size baby motel. "
Oh, right, right.
Which brings us to...
intercourse.
Whoa!
May I have a volunteer
from the class?
Here's something;
what do you think?
Mmm...
Okay, how about this one?
This is nice.
I don't know.
I, I don't think that I,
I should wear her clothes.
V?
Yeah.
Is it true
there's a place
on a woman you can touch
to make her
completely insane?
Where did you hear that?
A magazine.
Um, well...
Don't count on it.
Okay.
How about this one?
Like it?
You know what I like about you?
Every time I think of you,
you appear.
Listen, if you're not
rushing off to see a client...
No.
Not in this dress.
Maybe we could have dinner
together.
- Yes.
- Really?
Yes. Yes.
Okay.
I'm just going to change, okay?
Yeah.
- Vicki?
- No.
- Valerie?
- No.
Virginia?
Hmm-mm.
West Virginia.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He's changing right now.
I saw.
He's ironing like crazy.
What are you all dolled up for?
I'm not.
Are you coming with us?
Gross! I have my own life,
thank you very much.
Is that cologne
that you're wearing?
No.
Are you going on a date?
Nah. Just practicing.
What?
Being cool,
in case I run into Stacy.
Oh.
Do you have something
to give her?
Is that a rule?
No, but it should be.
I mean, girls and gifts-
it's kind of the same word.
Here, give her this.
I can't take this.
Why not?
I'm not giving this to anyone.
I'll keep it with me always.
Yeah?
Thanks.
You're welcome.
I never had time to be lonely.
You know, I had Frank
to take care of,
and I guess I buried myself
in my work.
Other than Frank, the wetlands
mean everything to me.
Yeah.
Oh, look, honey,
it's Frank's dad.
I wonder who that woman is.
She's a hooker.
Honey...!
I can't believe
I'm saying all this to you.
Why?
I'm normally not like this.
I'm not at ease with new people.
No? Neither am I.
- Really?
- Yeah,
and in my line of work,
that's a problem.
Well, how
do you deal with it?
Well, let's see.
When I'm with someone new,
I pretend like
I'm with someone that I love,
and that helps me
get through it.
Oh...!
I don't think I've ever met
a more dedicated teacher.
I don't think anyone's ever
looked at what I do that way.
Well, why not?
Just because you don't do it
in the classroom?
You know, you're an amazing man.
Right now... with me...
What?
Were you pretending?
Pretending?
That you're with someone else?
Someone you love?
No. I don't have to pretend
anything with you.
Mmm, Holly, isn't that
your little friend's dad?
Yeah.
I wonder who he's with?
It's his sister.
I, I feel a-a strong,
almost mammalian pull
towards you.
You mean like how the moon
pulls the tides?
Yes. Yes, just like that.
Are you sure you don't mean
his sister-in-law?
No. It's his sister.
Oh, well, I think that's sweet.
They must be
a very affectionate family.
You two could learn something
from them
about just how close
a brother and sister
can be.
No one's ever said anything
like that to me before.
Say it again.
What?
The mammal word.
Mammalian.
Yes, that's it.
What does that mean?
Mammals are
warm-blooded creatures.
Warm?
Very warm.
Yes?
Yes.
Very, very warm?
There's no way I'm doing that.
- We should go.
- We should go.
Um... where?
Well, uh...
we're going to be late.
Oh. Okay.
We have reservations.
Yeah.
Tom.
Judy.
Hi.
Kevin.
V.
You know this woman, son?
Not as well as we know
each other, Mr. Smith.
You... know her, Father?
Uh, no- no, no, no, no.
No, you must be confusing me
with someone else.
No, I may have the name wrong,
but I never forget a face.
My name is V, like the letter.
Your husband and I did business
together once.
Oh, yes, yes... of course.
Yes, I'm sorry,
of course, yes.
Uh, V is a, um...
a dance instructor.
She, she taught me how to dance.
Dance? You teach dance
and you tutor math?
Isn't that wonderful?
We should all go out dancing
together sometime.
Oh, yes, let's do it soon.
Maybe V could teach us
a couple of things.
Uh, she can't.
Um... she's retired.
Listen,
it was really nice to see you,
but we've really got
to get going.
Good to see you.
Okay, bye-bye.
Huh. It's a small...
V.
V.
Stop it.
What are you doing?
You said you fixed it.
What's wrong with you?
I thought things were different,
but I was wrong.
- What happened?
- I have to go.
I don't understand.
I know-
that's why I have to go!
Well, let me take you.
Do you even know where I live?
No, I don't; I have no idea.
Do you want to see where I live?
- Yeah.
- Follow me.
Why are we climbing this tree?
What, may I ask,
are you doing
living in my son's tree house?
T ake off your pants;
then I'll tell you.
Why do I have
to take off my pants?
Because in my experience,
men are better listeners
when they're not wearing pants,
and I have something personal
to tell you,
and I don't want you
to be able to get away.
Okay.
Fine.
I'm taking off my pants.
This better be good.
Nobody's ever treated me
the way you treat me.
How am I treating you?
Like a person.
How does everybody else
treat you?
Like a hooker.
W- W-W-Why would they do that?
Because I am a hooker.
W- What do you mean by that,
exactly?
Frank told me he told you.
What?
I'm a prostitute.
Men pay me
to have sex with them.
Well, then, what, may I ask,
are you doing
teaching math
to seventh graders?!
I don't teach math.
No, no, Frank told me
you were a math tutor.
Well, he told me
that he told you I was a hooker,
and that you didn't care.
My son bought me a hooker?
Give me back my pants.
No, he didn't buy me for you!
Oh, what a relief.
He just wants me to marry you.
You said I looked
like Grace Kelly.
Who told you that?
Frank. He probably lied
about that, too.
No, he didn't. I...
I did say that.
You know,
I thought you were different.
I thought
you were understanding.
I am understanding.
Boy, am I understanding.
That would explain why
you looked at me that way.
I looked at you that way
because you looked at me
that way.
What way?!
Like I was somebody.
Well, you are somebody.
We're both somebodies.
Let me out of here.
How do you open this thing?
I'm an adult somebody teacher,
and you're
an adult somebody hooker
that I'm supposed to marry.
You should've told me.
I tried to.
You should've tried harder.
Look, Dad, you always say
it's not what you do,
it's who you are.
But there's
a vast difference
between being a math tutor...
Dad! Dad!
There was no "but. "
I know you're trying
to help me.
Ah, Dad, she's the right woman.
Well, what's so right about her?
I took a test in this magazine.
"Are you Your Mate's
Perfect Woman?"
She scores a 98
out of a possible 100,
losing one point
because she's a total stranger,
and the other 'cause
your entire relationship
is based on a lie.
What, you only lose one point
for that?
It says it's not very important.
What could possibly be
more important?
She's a grown-up, she has a job,
she's independent,
she's good with money,
she's funny, she
doesn't swear anymore-
I talked to her about that-
she watches cartoons,
and she likes ice cream,
and she fits into Mom's clothes.
I knew that dress
looked familiar.
And she likes you, Dad-
that's the best part!
Where did you learn
to be like this?
From you.
So...
what does the magazine say?
I mean, what am I supposed
to do now?
Call her.
On what?
V?
V?
She's not picking up.
V?!
Oh!
Geez!
V, don't go.
I thought that you were
my friend,
but you're not-
you're a liar.
Wait a minute.
I want to talk to you.
Stay away from me.
I'm the one who should be angry.
I'm the one who was deceived.
I am not angry.
I just want to get
out of here.
I don't like the suburbs.
Car doesn't work.
Keep it.
It isn't mine anyway.
Diaphragm.
It's a locket.
Somebody's empty locket.
That's kind of sad.
It's my locket.
I gave it to him.
He said he would keep it
forever.
It's a picture of his mom.
I didn't even know he had this.
She didn't look at all
like Grace Kelly.
Neither do I, for that matter.
You do to me.
I don't want to have sex
with you, you know.
I don't want to have sex
with you, either.
I never really thought that she
looked like Grace Kelly.
It was just the quality
that she had- a feeling.
And then it became a game
with Frank and me-
who did and didn't have that...
this quality.
It was so hard for me
to talk about her.
It was the only way I could let
Frank know... about her.
T ell me how you met.
We knew each other
in high school, and-
actually,
it was junior high school.
I remember the first time
I saw her.
Yeah?
She was leaning
on the kitchen counter
talking on the telephone.
We were at a dance.
A dance?
I never went to a dance.
Why not?
'Cause I left home
when I was 14.
I missed my whole life.
If I'm the first, you know,
this might hurt a bit.
You trying to be funny?
I'm not talking about sex.
What are you talking about?
I want to make love with you.
Eve, Eve...
Eve's my middle name.
And, I...
I changed it because it
just sounded too Biblical,
so I took off the Es.
This hurts.
Ow! Ooch! Damn it!
Yes, hello.
Did you have somebody
in mind, sir?
I have someone in mind.
Her name is V.
V?
We don't know where she-she is.
That's bullshit!
That's bullshit.
Oh, I saw her tonight,
in Middleton.
You saw her in Middleton?
Middleton?
What address?
He-he hung up.
Of course.
He hung up.
Well, she shouldn't be
too hard to find.
Good morning, Frank.
Good morning, Frank.
Did I miss something?
You sure did.
V and I have been
in the wetlands
collecting samples since dawn.
Excuse me,
I have to get something
out of the garbage.
You looking for this?
I'm sorry I lied.
But you said the truth
gets you in trouble.
Yeah.
Are you staying?
For a while.
As my mom?
No, not as your mom.
Well, then, as what?
Um... as a friend of the family.
That'll do.
Good. Come on.
There's just one more thing.
Okay, now, I want you
to just watch my feet,
and listen to the music, okay?
See?
Now, you try.
Move your feet.
I said move your feet, Frank.
I am moving my feet.
Okay.
New deal.
Um...
Don't move your feet, okay?
Just sort of sway your hips
from side to side.
I don't want to move my hips-
that's how it all starts.
What?
Sex.
I've decided
it's an evil scheme.
Well, what can you do
with your body?
I mean, something
where you have to...
touch somebody else
and move at the same time.
I- I can thumb wrestle.
Okay.
That's good.
All right, that's a start.
Better watch out-
I'm pretty good.
One, two, three, four.
Now we start the thumb war.
Got you.
- No, you didn't.
- Got you.
Come on.
Yeah!
Frank?
Whoa...!
Frank.
Yeah?
You're dancing.
You're dancing, dude.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Nice day, isn't it?
Sour cream and onion.
Popsicles?
Sure.
Pretzels?
Yeah.
Oh, Fluff.
Hi. How are you?
Great.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Have you seen this woman?
It's important.
Well, take your time.
I've got all day.
No...
I can't say as I have.
Sorry.
I beg your pardon...
Mom? Can I have
the new Cosmo, please?
My mom- she's the greatest.
Where are we going so fast?
You're going home.
I'm taking the fastest
way out of here.
But he didn't even
recognize you.
For all he knows,
you're a million miles away.
He doesn't know my dad
can't fix cars.
I'm not staying, Frank.
So, this is what it's like.
What do you mean?
T o have a mom.
You look cool, Frank.
You look very, very cool.
And tonight,
Stacy's going to think
you look very cool, too.
V, don't go.
It's going to be fun.
Come on.
Oh, shit!
Frank! V!
Frank! V!
I found out what's wrong
with the car!
Frank!
Frank? V?
Frank?
Where is everybody?
What happened to you?
I stopped washing...
completely.
You smell.
I will no longer be
my father's dupe.
You don't look so good yourself.
What's up?
Lots of things.
I mean, Stacy loves Brad,
which makes me feel
like I can't breathe.
Mm.
It'd be different
if V were here.
Really?
Think so, huh?
And what would you do
if V were here?
I'd ask her to dance.
Prove it.
Frank.
Couldn't leave
without saying good-bye.
Would you like to dance?
I thought you didn't know how.
I don't.
Well, what do you do at a dance
if you can't dance?
I thumb wrestle.
- Look, sweetie.
- Huh?
It's your dance instructor.
Oh...
Oh, yes!
She's very good, isn't she?
Hmm? Yes. Yes.
Oh, yes.
He can dance.
He can dance really well.
She's a math tutor.
Can she solve
multivariable equations?
What are the odds of finding
another woman with that body
and those skills?
Here comes my Jacket.
I think he likes you.
Think he does?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Would you like this?
Would you like to dance?
Did I miss something?
Mine.
Wait right here.
- Wait, wait, Robert.
- Don't move.
What are you, what are you
going to do?
I'm going to the sock hop...
whatever that is.
I have something important
to tell you.
You don't want me to leave?
Right, I don't want you
to leave, but...
there's something else, too.
You've got a lot of nerve
bringing a slut like this
into our school.
You turned my son into a pig.
Yeah, but he's a...
...happy
...pig.
There are children here.
There are children here!
Fight, fight, fight...
I'm happy to see you, V.
Yeah. It's a real gun.
Hey! Hey-hey-hey.
Whoa! Whoa-whoa,
come on, come on.
I'd ask you to dance, but...
seems you got the last geezer
in a bit of trouble.
You thought you could take
my money and get away with it?
Well, my little bluebird,
you thought wrong.
You know I wouldn't steal
from you, Waltzer.
Oh?
Waltzer...
You think I'm stupid,
is that it?
- No.
- I know the whole story.
Cash steals from me.
He hides $250,000
in the gas tank of his car.
I hated Cash.
You stole his car,
and then it's my money
that's paying
for your nice little life
- in the suburbs.
- No, I wouldn't do that.
I wouldn't do
anything like that.
Oh, yeah?
- Give me your best shot.
- Really?
- Give me your best shot.
- Yeah?
Now, here's the best part.
Are you listening?
Get this, Cloth Ears.
One: I kill Cash,
I kill you-
I get my money back.
All right?
I love happy endings.
Wait a minute-
there's money in the car?
"Wait a minute-
there's money in the... "
It's still there.
Come on, come on!
What? What?
Hey, Mister,
I know a shortcut.
Fire?
I don't like fire!
Come on, this way,
over here, come on!
Thanks, Sonny Jim.
Oh, my God-
it's a closet.
Yes!
I don't like closets!
It's dark in here!
Come on!
Come on!
- There it is- let's go!
- Okay.
Little bastards.
Who's driving?
Frank! Frank, you let me drive.
Let's go!
Yes!
There's no bloody fire!
Get out the bloody way!
There's no fire...
Get out... come on,
get out the bloody way.
Get out of the way!
What the bloody hell
happened, huh?!
Well... some very small
person took the car,
but I broke a nail, which is...
Broke a nail?
I'll break your bloody neck.
- Get in there.
- Ow!
You're not even worth
the price of a bullet.
Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, no, you're not!
Oh, yes, I am.
You're not.
Am, too!
Not!
Am, too!
Shut up! You're not!
Slow down!
I can't reach
the pedals
and steer at the same time!
I've got some major
cruise control
going here!
All right, you steer,
I'll do pedals.
Good idea!
No, bad idea.
Let me drive!
You can't drive from
the back seat- it's illegal!
Look out, look out!
Oh, oh...
This is the sidewalk!
Sidewalk?
Oh, people!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was part of the car!
Brake! Brake!
Gas!
Brake.
Gas! Gas- he's coming!
Oh, my God! Jesus!
Here comes the pimp-mobile.
Brake!
Gas, gas!
All right!
I see it, I see it!
Wait, left!
Um, um, um, um...
- Right!
- No, left!
Left!
You know that thing on the car-
well, it's gone.
Do we need it?
Let me drive!
You broke the car!
Go right!
You lost the steering wheel?
Who's smoking?
It's the car!
That mad, frigging tart!
Sounds like a train.
I think it is a train.
Well, what's it doing?
Oh, nothing.
Oh, my God!
Brake! We'll never make it!
No, go, go!
We'll make it! Faster!
Brake!
Make up your minds!
All right, all right!
Brake!
Gas!
Oh, my God!
What happened?
Fire!
She's going to blow!
It's a fire. Get out!
Get out!
Ow, you big jerk!
You could have killed me.
Jesus...
She's going to blow!
Get away!
Come on, get out, Frank.
Pull, pull!
Get him out!
Get him out of here!
Get him out!
They're children, you big dope!
Oh, God- they blew up
my bloody money!
When I find her
I'm going to rip her face off
and put it in a jar.
Get in the car!
Shut up.
Just get in there!
Oh, she's gone,
Waltzer, she's gone.
Oh, shut up.
Cork your bloody beak.
Frank!
Dad, Dad!
Oh!
You okay?
Yeah.
We blew up the car.
You boys all right?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Was V with you?
Well, yeah, she was with us.
Did she get out?
Well, yeah, she got out,
and then...
I don't know what happened.
Well, where is she?
Where is she?
Dad!
Dad, she's gone.
She's gone, Dad.
This way.
Thank you.
I want out.
You'd be taking money
out of my pocket.
Waltzer's taken out a lot more
than I ever put in.
I'm saving you a fortune, Jerry.
I mean, let me go, please.
Good-bye, my child.
Thank you.
What about Waltzer?
After today,
Waltzer doesn't exist anymore.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Nice chains, Mr. Wheeler.
My dad's in therapy,
Mr. Wheeler.
Thanks.
Dad, please, you lost.
You chained yourself
to the truck two days ago,
and the local paper
didn't even show up.
Tom, you unchain yourself,
nobody's pressing charges.
Please, Dad.
We have to cut you free,
you're going to jail.
Dad!
When this place goes,
a part of me goes with it...
a part of all of us.
I'll go to jail.
Okay, we're ready to go.
Tom, you're under arrest.
Dad!
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say can and
will be used against you
in a court of law.
If you so desire and
cannot afford one,
an attorney will be
appointed for you
without charge
before questioning.
Do you understand
each of these rights?
Forget it, Charlie.
He's got the right to do
any damn thing he pleases.
What's going on here?
What is that?
A deed.
It's a deed to the wetlands
in my name.
What...
Somebody bought the T onapaya
Wetlands in my name.
Who did this?
She did it.
V!
Oh, V!
Tom, I'm happy for you.
All right, boys,
let's pack it in and go home.
You go home, Tiny.
Does this mean you're staying?
Come on,
I have to talk to your dad.
Oh, wow.
This is so cool.
Well, you guys take care
of yourselves.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It was your money, you know.
You should've
spent it on yourself.
I did. I bought a few things.
This was for you and me.
Glossy ibis has to have a home.
Thanks.
T ell me I'm worth waiting for.
You're worth much more
than that.
Well, where are you going?
How will we find you?
You know that ice cream parlor?
Yeah.
You know, the one where
you first kissed me?
Yeah.
I bought it.
You're staying here?
Uh-huh.
Here?
You know what?
There is a place you can touch
a woman that'll drive her crazy.
Where?
Her heart.
See you.
I have a hair.
I have a hair!