Asshole! Son of a bitch
is gonna kill somebody.
He's still alive.
Lloyd, will you get the tape?
Let's move it!
- How much further?
- Two more flights.
- You said up the street.
- It's right there, Grandma! God!
- Let's just forget about it!
- Come on!
- Take your hand off me!
- I'll go get the TV.
You think I'm gonna let you
walk away with my $300? No way.
Good idea. This guy might not
be totally legit.
- Who is it?
- It's me.
- Me who?
- Cornbread! Open up.
I want the you-know-what.
- You didn't use the code.
- The fat man walks slowly!
The fat man need to lose some weight!
Just open the fucking door!
What's all this hostility about?
How you doing? Who's this?
- Who's with you?
- Frank.
Frank, how you doing?
That short for Frankfurter?
Don't stand out here like
a couple of roaches.
- Come on in, Frankfurter.
- Place smells like a pigsty!
I know. That's the dead guy next door.
He died on the toilet. They gotta
wipe his ass and take him away.
- You don't want no car phone?
- I said I wanted a TV!
You said this piece of shit
had color TVs!
Are you wasting my time?
You give me my money back.
Frankfurter! Frankfurter!
Don't get all hyper. Cornbread
telling you what else we got.
- The TV's in the other room.
- Get it, then!
- Go get it!
- Before I kick both your asses!
Yeah! Before he kick both our asses!
Damn!
All the crazy dudes in the world
to have working for you.
- Did you ever hear the one about...?
- Hey, what are you doing?
- It's dinnertime.
- Can't that shit wait?
- Not in front of me!
- You hungry? I got some chicken left.
Here you go. Here's some chicken.
Hey, man, I dug in a lot of
garbages for that!
Let me hold your belt.
I gotta get this vein up.
A vein just don't come every day,
you gotta get it...
Let me wear your belt!
All right! Hurry up, you piece
of trash! Hate you people!
I figured that out when you
walked in the room.
Oh, God!
- Oh, God.
- What's the matter?
- What's happening?
- That shit was no good!
What happened?
- He took some bad drugs.
- Shit! Take this and go!
Before the cops come! Run, fatso!
Come on, man.
Don't you die on me! Slim?
No! Go! He's dead.
You bastards!
Mo' money! Mo' money!
- Look at that!
- Here.
- Hey!
- What?
That was fun!
You seen the look on the guy's face?
You should've seen when I gave
him the chicken.
- What's the matter?
- Tooth hurts.
- Which one?
- Right here.
Get it fixed.
Hey, yo. Check it out.
- Oh, snap. Go get that.
- All right.
- Easy. Easy, baby.
- Good evening, officer.
- Keep moving, or I'll take you in!
- Johnny, that's really not funny.
- Nice night.
- Move it!
Here's some chicken.
Stop, you sons of bitches!
- You chasing those guys?
- They robbed me.
Get away from me, fucking bum!
- I'm a cop.
- Hey! Wait a minute!
- Stop! Police!
- Here comes fatso! Come on!
- Hold that for me!
- Look out! Coming through!
Come on!
Hold it!
You get them. I'm finished.
You're mine! Shit!
Get off my car!
Young man? Pay your fare.
Pay your fare! Pay your fare!
Pay your fare! Comb your hair!
- What do we got here, Mills?
- Ted Forrest, age 47.
Died at 1: 13. Messenger for
the Dynasty Corporation.
- It appears to be another hit-and-run.
- I just don't understand it.
Yeah, it is pretty insane.
How do they get the jelly
into these things?
- Any of you touch this?
- I gave orders not to move anything.
Well, somebody did.
Wonder what that means?
- I don't know, sir.
- Me neither. Thank you. Hold that.
Oh, boy. Get me that case.
I'll deliver that myself.
You wrap everything else up.
- I got a few things I gotta do.
- Yes, sir.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Sure.
Hey! Anybody got some paper?
Sounds like you need the Sunday Times.
Like I said, I had that
little bitch by the neck.
Started twisting till it snapped.
Almost killed that little ho!
Then my mom come running in saying,
"What you doing to your sister?"
She lucky, man!
They both lucky! You know? Pop!
Two for one! She my mom,
but she ain't breast-feeding me!
Now Mom talking about
pressing charges on me.
Man, I don't give a damn-blam-Sam.
I'm ready to jam!
I do time for breakfast!
"What you got for me today, judge?
Five years?
Yeah! Seven years, judge?
Give me life, judge.
I got an appetite. Big one!"
That's what I'm gonna tell the judge!
"Judge, kiss this ass!"
- That's right!
- Hey, my man! You using that hat?
- Hey, man! What's your problem?
- Give me a cigarette, boy.
- I don't smoke.
- I said give me a cigarette!
- Stewart! Visitor!
- I don't smoke.
Wrong answer.
You're supposed to say,
"I'll get you one."
- I'll get you one.
- Jonathan Stewart!
As soon as you find
your fucking balls!
You're dead! You're dead!
- It's not funny.
- What's up with you? You getting old?
The stupid transit cop.
I thought Frankfurter got you!
If they find out about my probation,
I could go away.
Don't worry. I got you a lawyer.
- Is he good?
- What's my name?
- Is he?
- What's my name?
- Is he good?
- He's the best lawyer in town!
For the money.
Your Honor? Allow me to fumigate
my wisdom on the defendant.
Since he has been incarcerated in the
propaganda of the prison structure...
...on the issue of
the court thing. Yes!
And I must say here
that it has been a real...
...didactic experience for him,
as you can see.
Can I get a witness? Yes, Lord.
And I must say...
...that both physically
and geographically...
...if he be sent to the bowels
of the community, I said...
...if he be sent to the bowels...
...the manifestation will be much
too much for him to resign!
I rest my scrotum.
- Are you serious?
- Oh, yes, sir!
Oh, Mr. Stewart!
The last time I saw you was...
...only three months ago.
I said if you showed
your stupid face again...
...I would put you underneath
the jail, didn't I?
- Yes, Your Honor.
- Did you think I was playing?
No, Your Honor.
I'm considering postponing your case
for a few months...
...just to let you think about
how you're wasting my time!
Since you've been so ill-represented
by the "propaganda of the court"...
...I'll have a sympathetic
"decapany" on this case. Dismissed.
- Your Honor!
- Thank you.
And you get out of my court
before I send you away! Next case.
Roscoe Kent versus Elvira Kent.
That's right, judge!
Put him under the jail.
Could I get Reverend Pimp Daddy
to be my lawyer, please?
Reverend, my sister'll work it off
for you when she gets better.
- One day your ass is mine.
- Yeah, come on! Come on!
You were sweating in there.
You're not as tough as you think.
- Thanks for getting me out, Walsh.
- Me? Are you hungry?
- Nope.
- Well, I am.
I thought you were
supposed to be working.
I quit.
- I'm sorry?
- I said, I quit!
Oh, I see. You quit.
Maybe I should quit helping some punk
make something of his life.
What happened to Kluck-A-Bucks?
I was in a chicken costume, giving
out coupons. It didn't fit my image.
What image?
You're unemployed, you're invisible.
You're not even a statistic.
John, a job is a job!
- Tell that to the white boys!
- You're gonna have to try harder!
You can clean shithouses,
as long as it's an honest buck.
- I won't clean shithouses.
- Take a look around you. Is this it?
You gonna be happy with this
your whole life?
You tell me what it is
that you wanna do.
- Maybe a cop, like my father.
- You don't have what it takes.
Talking about your father,
I tell you, he was...
"The best cop ever." He's dead!
So what does that say?
Not too much, according to you.
But he was my partner!
He saved my life! You understand?
He was stupid.
You're here and he's gone.
I can't help that.
I'll tell you about your dad.
- We're sitting in on a stakeout...
- Oh, God, not again!
What about Seymour?
What does he do with his life?
Drugs? Play Cornbread?
Who can he look up to? You?
You're too involved with yourself!
Go ahead, turn your back on me
like you always do!
Hey, John!
It ain't gonna fall from the sky!
You gotta work for what you want!
Look at me, at least!
I'm yelling at you!
It was about 90 degrees.
You got kids?
Johnny! Sweet and sour pork
very, very good!
- How'd you like the lawyer?
- Filthy. Move!
You out, ain't you?
Guess you won't be coming
to my concert!
This is the system designed to cut
down on fraud and unpaid charges.
We developed this through interviews
with 300 Dynasty Club authorizers.
This computer can determine
credit approval.
The computer decides
who gets credit and who doesn't?
Who would have guessed? Technology.
Remember when you had
to heat an iron on the stove?
I have no frame of reference.
I'm a man of the computer age.
- Another tough question.
- Yes?
I lose my credit card. Someone finds
it and goes on a shopping spree.
Please. Sit.
- I'm listening.
- Does the computer pick up on that?
Well, yes and no. It's harder during
Christmas, when shopping's heavier.
On the whole,
it's a very effective system.
Ain't that something.
I hate to be so pedantic,
but it's "isn't that something."
- Isn't that something?
- Yes. It's a shame.
- What is?
- Mr. Forrest's death. It's a shame.
Could I get a printout
of the names on that tape?
Certainly. Anything else I could do?
No, thank you.
Thank you for the English lesson.
I got what you need!
Hey, get high off this!
I got what you need!
Hey, get high off this!
- Yo, check it out, baby!
- Hey, nice lady!
You look good!
Hey, buy a book for your kid.
- Tell your mommy to buy a book.
- Screw you!
I'll knock you out!
Customer's always right.
Folks, knowledge is the key.
No one cares about children.
Why else is Bush in office?
- I gotta do something. Walsh said...
- Fuck Walsh! He don't care about us!
Stay here and sell these damn books!
I'm going to get paid!
Ladies and gentlemen, knowledge
is the key to understanding and... Damn!
We gonna get paid today!
Yo, my man! Come and play
a game of three-card.
Red card.
You want the red card.
Excuse me? How much is this book?
For you? Free, take it.
- Nothing in America is free.
- Love is.
- Really?
- I think your kid will like it.
I don't have a kid.
Yes, Lord.
- Two dollars.
- What happened to free?
It's America, remember?
This is great. You should read it.
Yeah?
Could I read it to you now?
The Ice Cream Dream.
Wonder what that's about.
I wish I had ice cream
It'll look just like you
Sweet-tasting chocolate
All the way through
I'd lick it slow...
You're fresh.
I'll take my book before it melts.
Come again.
And again and again.
Never the black.
You want the red.
- I think the lady wants to play.
- All right!
Make a buck, 10 gets you 20.
- How do you know?
- Trust me. I sell children's books.
Come on, Miss Lady Girl.
Never the black, always the red!
Open your ears, and hear what I said!
What you got?
You sure?
Yeah, she wants the right card.
Bam!
- We got a lucky winner, you all!
- Winner! Winner!
See, it ain't impossible!
Here!
Forty gets you 80!
Once again, never the black!
You want the red.
What you got?
Middle card.
You sure you want this one?
- You sure?
- Come on.
- She won!
- Another lucky winner!
I think she won all that!
Oh, you won it all!
This is her lucky day!
- You're gonna take the money and run?
- I won it.
You sold me out for some ass?
What do I do now?
- Sell those books.
- Sell some books?
- Excuse me, I didn't get your name.
- Amber.
Amber? I like that!
Excuse me, Miss Amber.
Can we get together for lunch?
- Can we get together?
- I'm busy.
Hi, remember me?
How about dinner?
How about breakfast?
How about a drink?
The water fountain's right over there.
She wants me.
- I'm applying for the mailroom job.
- Did you fill out an application?
- No.
- Here.
Fill this out.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
I really mean it. Good luck.
Many people say that. They're crazy!
They want you to have bad luck.
But I believe everyone can succeed.
Homeboy!
I refuse to get paranoid or hostile
in a competitive situation.
I think this job is the key for me.
So does my shrink.
He even lowered my prescription.
I gotta conquer the whole
self-esteem thing. Boom!
I have an eating disorder,
you know.
- No?
- Sure. Threw up on the way over.
I had a negative self-image as a kid.
They think I'm fat and loathsome,
but I'll fight them.
I'll show them that they can't
rob me of my right to exist!
Next.
Come in.
Hi.
Some interesting responses here,
Mr. Stewart.
It says here that you attended
Mt. Holyoke College in Massachusetts.
Four years of work, work, work.
Isn't Mount Holyoke
an all-girls school?
No, they changed that.
Probably as soon as I got there.
- Are you related to Tracey Stewart?
- Yeah, that's my aunt.
- He's a man.
- His wife's my aunt.
You should put that
on your application.
Tracey is an asset to this company.
He keeps things in order around here.
Well, he's funny about nepotism.
I'd rather do this on my own, so I'd
appreciate it if you didn't tell him.
You certainly have personality.
Listen, I'll review
your application...
...check out a few references,
and get back to you in a few days.
This is your correct
telephone number, isn't it?
- Yes. Yes, sir.
- Good.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Next, please. Next?
Yo, big head.
Yo, what took you so long?
I've been home and back.
- You talk to her?
- Yeah.
- Did you get her number?
- No.
- So what took you so long?
- I think I got a job.
- A job?
- Yeah.
- Johnny, a job ain't nothing but work.
- I know. Let's eat.
Calm down, Timmy. Timmy.
Stop it, now. Calm down. Calm down.
What are you doing?
Get him out.
- Mister, I forgot his...
- Get him out!
I forgot his medicine at home.
Don't touch the eggs.
No, no, not the eggs, my God.
Get him out.
Let him die in the street like a dog.
Don't talk. See? Look at that.
- Not the eggs.
- What do you want me to do?
Get turkey. He needs lactate.
- Laxative?
- No, lactate.
Fix him a turkey sandwich.
Hurry, he's crazy.
Timmy, not the cans, no!
Not my cans. What are you doing?
Okay, I fix, I fix.
Here. Here.
Put more on, that's not enough
lactate. Timmy wants more lactate.
Don't touch those chips.
Don't touch the cakes.
Timmy, stop it.
Beep-beep-beep-beep.
- What's this "beep-beep"?
- Put some more turkey and mayo on.
A whole lot of mayo.
Thank you, mister.
Timmy, stop it.
Mayo. Here's more mayo. Mayo, here.
Thank you, thank you.
You're welcome. Now get him out.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Give him a kiss.
- Please go!
Get out of here. Get out, now.
- Get him out of my store.
- And be more happy.
How long does a coroner's report take?
We'll be dead when it comes.
I've tried...
Get over there, even if you have to
examine the damn body yourself. Go.
Remember the trouble you caused?
Get your hands off me, you
bald-headed, flatfoot faggot!
You were my best customer! Busting
me because I won't do you for free?
- Right, liar. Come on!
- Get that whore away from my door.
- You see what you started, Mary?
- What happened to us?
Lieutenant? I just got off
the phone with the lab.
Autopsy confirms Forrest's broken
neck wasn't from the accident.
- I said that.
- It happened...
After the fact. It's official.
So, anyway. Everybody's laughing
and having fun.
When all of a sudden,
Sandy jump up and run out!
Child! He done forgot his Depends!
Hey! Miss! Miss!
Could you hurry?
I'm waiting on a call.
I don't give a rat's ass!
I put 25 cents in here. When
it's used up, then I hang up!
We've waited two days
for the phone to ring!
That's because Moms Mabley
won't hang up!
He's gonna call. I got a feeling.
I got a feeling they hired somebody.
You just want to be around
that stupid girl!
You think they're gonna hire
a convicted criminal?
I ain't John Gotti!
You sure ain't.
John Gotti was getting paid!
- Now you can use the phone!
- Thanks. Hey, my man! It's broken.
Go shave that crust-ache off your lip.
See? It still ain't ringing.
Get away from my cab!
Get a job! Join a union!
Join a Boy's Club!
See that cab over there?
Maybe you can help me. I need to get
to 33rd Street and 3rd Avenue.
Let me guess,
not from around here?
- My bald head gave me away?
- I'll whiz you over there. $50.
- I won't even turn on the metre.
- I don't have money.
- You fucking immigrant!
- But, wait. Excuse me!
Hello? Excuse me?
I got to go get the money.
What money?
I have $10,000 at
my grandmother's house.
My time is worth money.
$200, on spec.
$200!
$150, I give you $150...
I told you he'd call!
You son of a bitch!
I'll rip your throat out!
Stewart residence.
Yes, this is him.
Yes, tomorrow will be fine.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yes! I got the job!
- I got a job, man!
- Filthy!
You must be Jonathan Stewart.
I'm your supervisor, Chris Fields.
Everyone! I'd like to introduce you
to a new employee today.
His name is Jonathan Stewart!
Hi, Johnny baby!
By the way, that's Charlotte.
Come on. I'll introduce you
to your machine.
Keep going. You're doing good.
- You better get used to paper cuts.
- I'll get gloves or something.
What do I do with this?
That's a credit card that
Mr. Jeffrey wants cancelled.
Idiot didn't break it in half.
He's supposed to.
- Why is that?
- Our cards go out pre-approved.
They have to be processed before
they can be cancelled.
I see we got a new guy.
Johnny, this is Keith Heading.
He's head of security.
- Hi.
- Hi, Johnny.
Hear the one about the guy
who goes to a psychiatrist?
"I'm having weird dreams.
Last night I was a wigwam.
The night before I was a tepee."
Psychiatrist says, "You're two tents."
- Chris, you got a minute?
- Sure.
- Excuse us. Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
Hey, Johnny baby!
What are you doing for lunch?
- Working.
- On who?
- You've got the most beautiful lips!
- Oh, really?
Chris, come here.
- How about the new guy?
- Johnny's great. He'll stick around.
I gotta poop.
What the fuck is going on?
- I got scared.
- Scared of what?
What are you scared of?
Have a nightmare?
- I don't have time for a scare.
- I didn't know people would be hurt or...
- Or what?
- Or dying.
Well, Mr. Butthole, you let him be
a lesson to you.
We got 26 days to make
30 million dollars.
People are waiting on product.
You know what I mean?
Nod if you understand.
Oh, you're red. You're getting blue.
I wonder how long it takes
to get white?
Christ! I gotta get
back to my office.
You get me those cards, okay?
Hey, don't forget!
You're my number one guy.
Terry! How are you?
- Yo, Chris? That you?
- Yeah.
Why you crying, man?
You constipated?
You should try rocking back and forth.
That's what I do.
You said it would take an hour.
It's been longer. That's unacceptable.
Allison, file this, please.
What happens if I push this button?
- How did you get in here?
- I work here.
- What can I do for you?
- It's my lunch break.
I'm looking for
someone nice to talk to.
Maybe show me around.
You wouldn't happen to know someone?
- Actually, yes. I do.
- Yeah?
Yeah. Charlotte.
Right. What do you do in
this department?
- Don't sit on my desk.
- Sorry.
I run this department.
Why don't you hook me up
so I can leave the mailroom?
Acquisitions is having babies
about the C-89 form. Finished?
- Yes.
- What's happening, bro?
- What are you?
- Jonathan Stewart, from Acquisitions.
Came to get the C-89 form.
I'll have this down to them.
- Did you put aside those disputes?
- Yes, I did.
- Hi, Johnny baby!
- What's up, Charlotte?
- How was your first day?
- I'm learning.
What you need is a better teacher.
I could probably get it. It's easy.
You need someone to show
you how to do it right.
Listen, I'm going to the bar right
down the street.
- You wanna come?
- No. I'm gonna pass. I'll pass.
Too bad.
- I think she likes you.
- I think I like you.
- Johnny! Johnny, right?
- What's up, Keith?
- How you doing?
- What's happening?
- Good night, Chris. See you later.
- Good night.
- He hasn't been feeling good.
- I know, he was constipated earlier.
Hello, my weakness. How you doing?
- I was waiting for you inside.
- Why?
I wanted to ask you to marry me.
Can I get down on one knee?
- My boyfriend wouldn't like that.
- Oh, you got a boyfriend and things!
All right. We'll let him
be the best man.
- I don't think so.
- No?
- I love your smile. It's beautiful.
- Thank you.
Amber! Amber, let's go!
- I have to go.
- That's your boss friend?
- Does he treat you like he should?
- Amber, let's go!
I didn't think so.
It's okay. He's temporary.
I got plans for you and me.
I gotta get my shit together.
- So, what were you two talking about?
- Nothing.
- It looked like more than nothing.
- He works in Acquisitions...
No, he doesn't. I checked.
Don't waste time with trash.
- What does that mean?
- He's beneath you. Don't talk to him.
- What, are you jealous?
- That's absurd. Just don't talk to him.
I've got great news.
I've got tickets to the opera tonight.
- Amber, you don't seem pleased.
- When will we do something I want?
Things you wanna do have no culture.
Open your mind to more than rap music.
- Here is your other spoon.
- Thank you.
And could we have two more baskets
of raisin bread?
Thank you.
- Yo, that's her man?
- Yeah.
- Yo, he's filthy!
- I know. Watch this.
I've got a joke. Why did the black
man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
If he was gonna be impotent,
he wanted to look impotent.
Keith Heading told me that joke!
Amber, it's not that funny.
What are you laughing at?
Tom...
Time for fun with the mailboy.
What do you want, man?
Stop it! Stop it! Stop!
Tom, you're overreacting.
You're right. Why am I being insecure?
He can't afford you. Right, Amber?
Here. Why don't you get yourself
a decent meal, boy?
Thanks. Johnny!
- How was I supposed to react?
- Not by treating me like a whore!
- You're being irrational.
- I want out of this relationship!
Fine. Just collect your things
and go back to the projects.
- I should've broke his back!
- You're tough.
Should've punched him right
in his face!
You should've, but didn't.
- What?
- Nothing!
- Say it!
- Nothing.
- Say it!
- You played yourself!
He's a top-level executive.
I'd have lost my job!
But you would've still had your face!
Shut up, Doodle-tooth.
You're no help.
Look at your three-dollar jeans,
two-dollar shirt and tie!
What's that, a 12-dollar outfit?
And a bottlecap for a hat!
That shit look like a yarmulke
with a brim!
Changing your image with a job
ain't gonna get you no girl!
A job ain't nothing but work!
Besides, she's a money-hungry ho!
Why do you think her eyes are green?
No, she's not.
Shut up.
Doodle-tooth. Call me... My breath...
- That's kind of funny. You bottle...
- I said, shut up!
Thank you very much for helping me
with the investigation.
Tell me if I can be
of any more help.
Actually, there is one thing
that you can do for me.
Grocery list.
I'm looking for Chris Fields?
You know him?
He's a good worker.
A real asset to the company.
- Don't know what we'd do without him.
- Do you know where he is?
Chris?
- Would you mind if l...?
- Wanna use my office?
- Would you?
- Go ahead.
- Lieutenant Walsh.
- Nice to meet you.
- He wants to talk to you.
- A few questions.
About what?
- Don't worry.
- Life.
- How you doing, Chris?
- Not bad.
- How do you like this office?
- It's great.
Nothing. He just asked me a bunch
of questions about the mailroom.
- Did he ask anything about me?
- A couple of things.
- What did he ask?
- Just who you were.
- What did you say?
- Nothing! I played dumb.
I knew the cops would find out.
This is getting way out of hand...
Listen, listen. You did real good.
Don't worry.
Just go home and I'll take care
of it, okay?
All right.
Sasha! The things we did aren't even
in books! She had a set of headlights...
You've got to be careful of who
you take to bed! There are diseases!
Only the guys who aren't getting laid
are thinking about what they can get.
- Right, fellas?
- Oh, you absolutely right, Mr. Man.
Hi! We'd like to see
your jewels, please.
What jewel is it
that you'd like to see?
- That one.
- This one?
- No, the big one. I likes them big.
- I see.
All right.
- Look at this! It's the cutest thing.
- Let me see it!
- Stop, you act like a little mosquito.
- You didn't say that last night.
Little Miss Thing, you were
a mosquito somewhere else.
Anyways, how much
is something like this?
Well, that ring, sir, is $3000.
Do you like it?
Like it? I loves it!
- Excuse me.
- Sure.
- I gotta talk to my husband first.
- Get a haircut.
Excuse me, husband!
Sometimes I feel like a nut,
sometimes I don't!
Sometimes I feel like slapping you!
Husband said I could put it
on my Dynasty Club Card.
- Great.
- He's so good to me.
- Now, what you whining about?
- You hit me!
There you are. Oh, of course,
I will need to see a driver's license.
Look, you gave me your cold!
What should I do? Run out the
store every time I open my mouth?
- Here you go. Pardon me!
- Why don't you just read it to me?
Certainly. Zero, six,
nine, one, three...
...D- l-C-K. Expires whenever.
There you are, gentlemen.
Enjoy your ring.
Ain't he so sweet?
- I'm sorry. Did we get you?
- No, no.
Bye, doughboy.
- We got stuck!
- Bye-bye!
Bye! Hope you wash your face!
Now that shit was sweet!
We could sell that and get $100.
$100? That's crackhead prices!
I'm keeping it.
- For her?
- Yeah.
You better get that girl a mood ring.
Then get me a leather jacket.
- Just a jacket.
- And a hat.
- And a hat.
- No. And a shirt!
And a tigerskin blanket.
And some snakeskin drawers.
Take a look at that.
Mo' Money! Mo' Money! Mo' Money!
- Amber-Poo? Open the door. It's Tom.
- Go away!
Amber, open the door!
I just wanna talk to you!
- Amber?
- I have nothing to say. It's over!
You're being irrational! If I was the
mailboy, you'd open the door!
Yes, I would! He's nice to me. He
doesn't treat me like a piece of shit!
I've got a joke for you.
What does a man with a one-inch penis
have for breakfast?
You give up? This morning I had
baby food and therapy. Lots of it.
Keith Heading told me that joke!
- How'd you know where I live?
- I followed you.
- You followed me?
- My dreams need detail.
- So, what do you want?
- I brought you something.
Where is it?
Go ahead, man.
- Hey, fatso!
- You're gonna have a heart attack!
Give me your wallet! Now!
Here!
Here today, gone tomorrow.
- I found this. His name was...
- Chris Fields.
- Darren Clinton, Lloyd Bradley...
- Here, let me see that.
Boy, this kid had credit.
Stealing? Man, that's ridiculous.
- Don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, no.
No, no. Not one, not two,
but three Cartier watches.
Five Italian suits from Elite Wear.
Flight Limousine Service.
Let's see. Dinner at Lu Chow's.
Yum yum, dim sum.
Oh, the list goes on and on.
You got good taste.
- I don't know whose list that is, but...
- I love this part.
Hey! That looks just like you!
Wait a minute. That is you!
You know that's a federal offense?
See, I had you checked out,
Johnny Boy.
You're on probation, right? Right?
I put the cards there.
It was just a matter of time.
I'm a good judge of character.
What are you gonna do?
Are you calling the cops?
No, I hired you!
I do my affirmative action bit.
Besides, it wouldn't benefit
either one of us.
I got something much better in mind.
Look through returned credit cards
and bring me these names.
What if I don't?
You go to jail for a long time.
Now, get out of my face.
I hate thieves.
What you all standing around for?
It looks like somebody died.
It's Chris. He got stabbed
to death last night.
Damn! I'm sorry to hear that.
Excuse me, everyone.
Due to an unfortunate episode last
night, Chris is no longer with us.
I've just been informed that Jonathan
Stewart will be his replacement.
Good luck. You're the number one guy.
- Over?
- Over.
What? This is the easiest
shit we ever did!
- It's over? Are you crazy?
- I don't wanna do it anymore.
You don't want to do it anymore?!
Come on, man.
Do you know how much is out there
that we didn't get?
I saw this four-finger ring that said
"Seymour" and "Johnny."
- They come with thumb attachments.
- Sound like handcuffs.
Come on, man.
I saw a crocodile sweatsuit.
You gonna play ball in the jungle?
Why you bullshitting?
We could get paid!
It's not like they're gonna find out...
They did find out!
Now Keith's blackmailing me.
So just leave it alone. It's over.
I guess you don't want to hear
about the mink socks!
Get that meat out of here!
I just don't understand this.
- What don't you understand?
- The whole thing.
Could you explain the system again?
- A credit line...
- That part I get.
There's information
on everyone's spending patterns.
- Computers reject abnormal purchases.
- "Abnormal purchases."
What?
I found these receipts
on the late Chris Fields.
Look, there's some really big
purchases here. $30,000. $72,000.
I checked these
against my printout...
...and the funny thing is,
every one of them are deceased.
So, I asked myself,
"Do dead people shop?"
That fat mailroom clerk
got into the system.
Ain't that something?
- You're right on time. I like that.
- Here's your cards.
Johnny. This is great.
This is really good.
We got some shopping to do.
You said all I had to do was
get you the cards.
Johnny, I lie a lot.
Come on. This is gonna be fun.
- I like that hat.
- Kiss my ass.
Don't be sad. Life's good,
you just need direction.
- You're gonna take care of me, right?
- You with me?
Tom?
Johnny.
Come on.
That stuff doesn't concern you.
The only thing that concerns you
is this list and this card.
Be nice.
Get some clothes too, will you?
You're in the big time now. Charge it.
John.
If you fuck me...
...I'll kill you.
You're going out again?
I'm supposed to just stay in?
All you care about is that
stupid girl, and that stupid job!
- We don't hang anymore!
- I took you to the dentist.
That was five hours of pain.
That's not my idea of hanging out.
You're whipped.
And you're letting her divide us.
I hate that stupid girl.
- Get the door.
- You get it.
Get the door, Dolemite.
Hi, cutie.
- What?
- I got my tooth pulled.
Oh, poor baby.
- Hey, you ready?
- Yeah.
Bye.
- Do you wanna come dancing with us?
- And be a sixth toe? No.
She's got a sister
that looks just like her.
Wait. Let me get dressed.
- You sure they're sisters?
- They got different fathers.
- Who's her father, Godzilla?
- Get to know her inner beauty.
They're with me.
She's been following me all night.
Come on in.
- She's my cousin.
- That's my song.
- I'm going to the bathroom!
- Hurry up! This is my jam!
Sisters! They ain't even friends. They
don't even live on the same block.
I always let Johnny do this to me.
Why am I in this damn thing?
She don't look that bad.
I must be drunk.
I always let this man
talk me into this.
- Loverboy. I'm out.
- You're out?
- You taking Godzuki with you?
- That's not funny. She's good people.
- All right, drunken Casanova. See you.
- Maybe.
Thanks for the hookup, Amber.
- I'm gonna rock your world.
- I heard that.
Excuse me. That'll be $6.50, please.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
What is that?
A black titty with a frozen nipple.
You want some?
No, the money.
Where'd you get that from?
I hit the lottery.
You've been spending money like water.
I wasn't gonna say anything.
- Please tell me it's not drugs.
- It's not drugs.
- I'm serious!
- I am too. It's not drugs!
- Look, I'm doing it for you.
- For me?
Okay, for us. I like taking you out
to nice places. Buying you things.
- I want to give you what you want.
- I have everything I want.
Don't throw that away, okay?
I didn't.
Oh, my God. I gotta
get this girl out of here.
Damn. Fire?
- Fire, Charlotte! Fire!
- Where?
- It's coming! It's coming!
- I don't see no smoke!
There's smoke! Here, go!
- What about you?
- I'll be okay!
If you see a fire, stop, drop,
and roll! Go!
- What?
- How am I supposed to get home?
Hold on!
- Seymour!
- Hold on!
Here.
- Two dollars?
- Take the train!
Well, well, well.
Look what we got here.
My man. Still haven't learned
to knock, but that's cool.
- Keith, I want out.
- Say what?
- I said, I want out.
- What are you scared of?
Nothing.
I got you the promotion.
You're making that extra money.
You got that nice girlfriend.
- I don't understand.
- Yeah, you wouldn't.
- I know when to throw in my cards.
- I guess I was wrong about you.
Yep, I guess so.
Fine.
It's a stolen card. Detain the
cardholder? Security is on its way.
Stop, you son of a bitch!
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Come here, boy!
- Flatfoot!
- Give me my ring!
You fat bat!
- Very funny!
- This is Detective Lawrence.
He wants to know
where you got this card.
- Maybe I'll shove my foot up his ass.
- How tough are you without the cuffs?
All right, you got a deal.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
All right, come on. Go for it!
We know that this card came through
the mailroom at the Dynasty Club.
Your brother Jonathan works for them.
We figure he gave you the card.
- He didn't give it to me.
- Where'd you get it?
- A white guy.
- What's his name?
I don't know. They all look alike
and smell like bologna.
I'm gonna kill this
son of a bitch! Now you tell me!
Tell me what you know,
or I'll beat it out of you!
- Now, talk, damn you!
- All right!
I know this dude, his name is Keith.
Keith Heading.
Here's the deal.
I know this guy
who owns six travel agencies.
He wants to use your phony credit
cards to buy full-price plane tickets.
Then he'll sell those at a lower fare
than other agencies can offer.
He's willing to be 50-50
partners with you...
...or give you $25,000 a card!
25 G!
There's no risk for you.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Look, Keith.
Johnny told me everything.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You can't beat this with a bat!
- Oh, listen to this.
If you're not the top guy,
tell me who is!
- I ain't got time for games...
- I don't like set-ups!
What? This is legit!
If I was setting you up, wouldn't cops
be here now with their guns?
Oh, shit!
Help!
Get off, you fucker!
Jesus Christ!
Who authorized this sting?
You did?
Well, that's great!
No, thank you, sergeant!
I think you've done enough!
Let's get out of here!
- It's fenced overseas.
- Doesn't Billing get complaints?
- They can't complain. They're dead.
- Then you have to go to Walsh.
He'll say I fucked up
my first legitimate job.
I'll get out myself.
You need evidence.
I can get that for you.
- I don't want you involved.
- I am involved!
John?
Oh, Johnny.
- I need card numbers.
- I gave them back to Keith.
Wait, I got receipts.
Shit! They changed my access code!
Seymour! Oh, shit! Come on!
- Put him in Dilton's office!
- Get off me!
Check that room!
That's it! I'm going crazy!
- I have to get Seymour. Get out!
- Let me help.
Hey, stupid!
You fuck!
Are we having fun?
Peekaboo, I see you.
Come on, let's go.
- But the tape?
- Forget it. We got dead bodies!
Oh, wow.
What are you doing here?
Out of doughnuts?
No, I came for credit!
You okay, Seymour?
- Of course.
- I wasn't talking to you.
I thought you'd have
your shit together. But you don't.
Come on! Take us both to hell.
Shoot him. Shoot him!
- Come on, test me out.
- Shoot him, Johnny.
- Close the door.
- Fuck you!
Close the fucking door!
- Why are you waiting?
- Stay with her.
What are you guys doing?
Son of a bitch!
You're crazy!
Johnny, get me out of here.
Come on, Johnny!
Catch me if you can!
You ain't seen nothing, bitch!
Watch the lady!
You're crazy.
Move, punk.
Shit.
Shit.
Sorry.
Move it, you piece of shit.
Shit.
I gotta go see my brother.
You again!
You son of a bitch!
Damn.
Don't be sad.
Come back here!
Home base, I got a situation here.
Know something?
I have no use for you anymore.
Son of a bitch.
You little shit!
Shit.
- Where's my brother?
- Dead.
- Then you're gonna join him.
- Johnny.
I'll kill you, you stupid fuck.
I'm a good driver, don't you think?
That was close, Johnny.
Where you going?
Look at me.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Come here.
The difference between me and you?
You play fair.
Hold this, Johnny.
Remember I said if you fucked me,
I'd kill you? You fucked me!
Remember I told you to kiss my ass?
Well, kiss my ass.
- Here we are, Mr. Cahn.
- Not so quickly.
- Here we are, Mr. Cahn.
- Not so quickly.
Excuse me, nurse. What room
is Johnny Stewart in?
What room is
John Stewart in?
332, down the hall.
Now get out of my face!
Thank you.
Son of a bitch. Yes?
Flowers.
You won't be needing these...
...Jim.
- Look out, coming through.
- Emergency!
What's up?
- Am I interrupting something?
- No, sixth toe.
- Got you some flowers, bro.
- How sweet.
No, he probably took them off
some dead guy.
Johnny, I came up
with the master plan.
We sue the Dynasty Club.
We'll get workman's constipation!
No more scams, all right?
- You need to settle down.
- With who?
I know a girl.
Is she cute?
- What's my name?
- Is she cute?
- What's my name?
- Is she cute?
- Seymour.
- Hey, what's up, Charlotte girl?
You're looking beautiful, girl.
- I got you flowers.
- I got something for you too.
Johnny, I'll get you.
Now, where were we?
Mo' money! Mo' money! Mo' money!