THE VIRGIN WIFE
He fell...
It's the first time I've seen an Italian.
And you?
I want to go to bed with him.
Of course it's well known.
Italians are the best in the world.
Yes, a true Latin lover,
but I think he's with his wife.
So what? I still want to do it.
- What nerve!
- Why are you so angry?
Those French girls.
Talking about you!
- Oh, and...?
- How can they know?
They don't know what
you lack as a the Latin lover.
What do you mean, Valentina?
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
Easy for you to say!
You've yet to show me your skills.
Over here, Valentina!
- Hi, Mama!
- Hi...
You look exhausted, darling!
The honeymoon must have been something ...
- Yes, I'm tired... from the trip and all...
- You can tell me, I'm your mother.
Come here and give me a kiss.
- What's this? It looks like you're wasting away.
- Honestly, I never felt better.
My daughter has worn you out...
- I, uh...
- Let's go!
It was non-stop, mama.
Go here, go there, come on...
- All over Italy... !
- Bravo Giovannino... my daughter is safely home!
Why didn't Uncle Frederico
come to pick us up, mama?
He's over at the factory, looking
after his customers. He works all the time.
Come on Matilda, roll over
and I'll give it to you again!
- Damn it to hell ...
- Why are you swearing?
- No... the children are back! It's already 4 o'clock.
- What children are you talking about?
Who? My nephew Giovannino and his
Valentina are back from their honeymoon.
I promised I'd pick them up at the pier.
The boat arrived at 3 o'clock.
- Ciao, baby. You were great.
- Ciao !
Home at last.
This fresh air is so invigorating!
- How lovely!
- It's Murano, do you like it?
Well, this fresh air here
will sure be good... for my lungs.
Sure, good for your lungs...
Rome and Naples may be beautiful,
but there's nothing like our lake.
Like they say, every bird prefers its own nest.
Look here... Mama Lucia
bought you new bedding.
- Have you see this, Valentina?
- Yes, the blanket is perfect. Thanks, Mama!
You're a wonderful mother!
- Look! My mother's picture.
- Oh, yes?
It was Mr. Frederico's idea.
Look at the beautiful frame; it's silver.
Where are the wanderers?
My treasures...
- Hello, Uncle!
- Valentina...
Giovannino! Mrs. Lucia... !
Mama Lucia told us that
you've been working like a madman.
What can I say? The work has to get done.
You're the one who's had an exciting time.
- So tell me.. was everything perfect?
- Pretty much...
- It was so so, Uncle.
- What happened?
Hey... you seem a little depressed...
No, they're just tired, Frederico.
Up, down... You get the idea?
I understand!
On top, that's the best...
So everything is okay. Gabriela, bring
us a bottle of that 60 year-old brandy.
- As you wish...
- Why brandy... ?
That's so old-fashioned, Uncle.
Today everyone uses drugs,
and you still believe in this stuff?
Listen to your Uncle! Drink a glass
of brandy and you'll see what it does...
Are you sure?
- What a beautiful gown... !
- It's not too transparent?
I can see everything...
- It's beautiful. Where did you get it?
- It's a gift from mama.
She made it with her own hands.
From all natural materials.
See how silky it feels!
Yes, it is silky and slippery...
It slides through my fingers.
It's wonderful. Your mother made this?
Yes, both the inside and outside.
Why are you waiting to take what's inside?
- Reach inside and take them both.
- Yes...
- I want you, Valentina!
- Then turn out the light and take me.
- Why do you care about the light?
- Just turn off the lights, Giovannino!
Damn...
- My love...
- The other one...
What's with the lights?
You'll make me lose my mind.
Please turn it out!
Yes!
Damn...
- My love...
- It seems like the nightgown excites you...
You certainly know me, Valentina.
Playing games in bed is so exciting.
- Then take a shot at the goal, baby!
- I'm getting into position ...
- Come on, score...
- Tonight I will be victorious!
- Okay, Giovanni! Give it to her!
- Remove my nightgown!
Not now, it will spoil the moment.
Apparently it helps me.
- Then I'll take it off ...
- No ...
You're like the Eiffel Tower...
Faster, Giovanni...
It's so good, Giovanni...
Don't stop now...
Giovanni...
Giovanni !?
- I'll be damned...
- Not again?
Damn it too hell! It's not possible...
I just can't understand it.
- It doesn't matter. I enjoyed it.
- What shall we do, Valentina?
I think it's the position
that's the most important.
How do you know that?
I've seen articles in
magazines and newspapers...
- What are you doing, removing your nightgown?
- Yes.
No... just pull it up...
I fell out of bed.
Here, let me pick you up.
Let's see how this works...
- That didn't go very well...
- Are you uncomfortable?
- Ow!
- Did I hurt you?
What's that?
A shoe.
Do you think we should try another position?
If it was up to me, we might as
well try it upside down in the window.
It's not a problem of position,
I need some kind of miracle, I tell you ...
- So you can't even do it in our own home?
- I'm sorry, Valentina!
I think it was a mistake to try.
Maybe I'm just tired from our trip.
You'll see, after a good night's
sleep, things will be better tomorrow.
- I have to go... take care of this.
- As you wish, my lady.
Listen, Valentina, before you deal
with this situation, I want to be sure.
Stop it, mama!
You've done everything for Giovannino?
Everything I told you... from A to Z?
Everything, mama. Everything! I've done
everything possible, as well as the impossible.
By the Virgin, look what can happen to a person.
What a fool! He does nothing?
He doesn't say a word?
He says good night!
This won't be easy. I'm going
to talk to his uncle, Frederico.
No, Mama! What does it have to do
with Uncle Frederico? I'm too ashamed!
Are you crazy?
It's he who should be ashamed!
He may have money,
but he's still a common slob.
I'll organize them later.
I may be overly sensitive, but I get
a bit nervous when I see the bottom.
Don't worry, Mr. Frederico,
I won't leave you to stack all these boxes.
What boxes? Come on down, Camilla!
Give me your hand! Come!
I'll pay you overtime...
Actually, I'll buy you a whole wardrobe...
- I'm afraid, Mr. Frederico. I'm too young.
- I can wait! How about another five minutes?
- Hey! You have nothing on underneath.
- Of course! Can't you see that I'm hot!?
You're telling me! I feel like I'm on fire.
Like the Olympic flame ...
What are you doing with
your hands, Mr. Frederico ... !
My God...
- Is it your father?
- No, Mr. Frederico. It's Mrs. Lucia.
- Mr. Frederico!
- That bitch...
- Frederico... I'm a bit angry!
- Well, that's that...
What are you doing naked?
Cover yourself up!
What is it, Mrs. Lucia?
A pair of snakes has nothing on your nephew.
Did you knew that Valentina is still intact?
You know why?
Because Giovannino is impotent.
Gabriela! I want the truth.
What did Giovannino do when he came
into your room before he got married?
- What do you think? He did what he wanted to...
- Yes, but did he do it normally?
What do you mean by normally?
Normally? He pushed it in, pulled it out.
Was his pistol hard?
Hard in the sense of being violent?
No. I mean, was his pistol... ?
Yes, it was normal.
But nothing like yours, Mr. Frederico.
You can't compare anyone to me.
I am a special case, suffice it to say...
What could have happened?
He was properly trained as a child.
He excelled at all sports.
So why is he like this now?
Why, what has happened?
What has happened is that he
has yet to use his pistol on his wife.
What a pity! And now?
Instead of sitting on the sidelines, you
must get involved, since this is your domain.
- What can I do?
- You need to help him raise his flag.
He must have the strength
to get his jet off the runway.
And if Ms. Valentina
finds out, what do I say?
That's a problem,
what to tell Ms. Valentina...
But what can we do, cry in our milk? Giovannino
must have a crotch pistol instead of chewing gum!
Valentina should hold her tongue, until
you've helped Giovannino overcome his problem.
Tonight, when Mrs. Valentina is taking
her bath, you'll be taking Giovannino.
Now, let me take a
moment to do an inventory...
When you see the takeoff angle has
reached 100 degrees, he's ready to fly.
And before dinner, be sure to spice
up the soup with pepper from Calabria.
Pepper, not soft butter...
Gabriela, you forgot to
add some soup to the pepper...
Why, is it too hot?
No, it's just like "The Towering
Inferno" with Paul Newman.
I'm sorry sir, it's a new kind of
pepper, and I didn't know how to use it...
...and Mr. Frederico likes things spicy.
That was more like a
flamethrower than pepper.
I hate this program. I'm going
to bed to read "Lady Chatterley".
- I'll be up as soon as I finish this cigarette.
- That's good, Giovannino!
- Good night, Uncle Frederico!
- Good night, Valentina!
I don't really like this program either.
I think I'll go out for a walk.
- Good night, Giovannino!
- Good night, Uncle!
- Good night, Mr. Frederico!
- Good night, Gabriela!
Excuse me!
The attacking forces begin
their offensive from the sky.
Throwing a wall of
steel ahead of the advance.
The first blows fall in the
surrounding area. The enemy senses danger...
...while below the means of defense
begin to weaken under the blows.
The enemy futiley tries to repulse the
attack that is battering it, and hold its lines.
The artillery opens a violent bombardment.
The defending forces seem to give up.
There is a predetermined strategy. Covered
by air support, the infantry advances in safely.
First infiltrating and then advancing.
While the enemy seems distracted,
predetermined targets are subjected to attack.
The infiltration continues its
steady advance and is unstoppable.
The enemy remains under cover and
tries to resist from his defensive position...
...hoping to attempt a counter-offensive.
Finally, the infantry leaves its
defensive position and mounts an attack...
What are you doing, Mr. Giovannino? Why
are you touching me? What are you thinking?
- I'll tear your panties off...
- Yes, Mr. Giovannino, just like old times...
You're so rough...
What if your wife comes...
Come here...
The bells have started to ring...
Stop it!
- Gabriela!
- Mr. Frederico!
Damn, that wasn't pepper.
That was a napalm bomb.
It feels like a fire in my stomach.
Bring me a lemonade, Gabriela.
Immediately, Mr. Frederico.
I'll be off to bed, Uncle.
Good night!
Bravo! That's a good idea.
Go quickly... you'd better hurry.
Valentina! Where are you?
- I'm in the bathroom, just a moment!
- Open the door!
Holy Ambrosia, you've lent a hand!
With respect, I give thanks for that!
Please come out Valentina, I'm in the mood...
Open up!
You only feel like it
when I'm in the bathroom?
I've never tried that, but
I swear to you that I am ready!
You're a liar, I don't believe it.
No! Please don't talk like that!
Valentina, something's happening down there...
- What is it?
- If I fail, you can shoot me.
Let's hurry!
- Come see what you've done to me...
- This is dangerous, you should be in bed.
Beds are for the sick.
I'm as healthy as a horse...
...in a house where people
spend half their day having sex.
Come here!
Let me make a deposit in your bank...
- Did you pull a muscle?
- No... a fork has pierced my snake.
- You're acting so rough...
- Valentina! I ...
- It feels like the end of the world!
- But I feel better...
How beautiful! Once the gates
were opened, they unleashed the storm...
I felt like a human flamethrower, but now...
- But now the flame has gone out.
- It's not my fault that you broke the bed.
- I'm ready, and you sit in the bathroom ...
- I'm always ready.
Why don't you read "Lady Chatterley"?
You might learn something.
What does "Lady Chatterley"
have to do with it?
- Go see Mrs. Valentina.
- Surely Mrs. Valentina wants some privacy?
What do you know? Go make the bed.
Tonight we had some bad luck ...
Look what's happened to me... !
Sitting here with a wounded snake.
We're going to lunch, Mrs. Valentina.
Shall I close up since everyone is leaving?
- No, Tania's husband comes for her.
- Do you know when Mrs. Lucia is returning?
- She went to Brescia to close a contract.
- Then I'll say goodbye and bon appetite!
- Thank you...
- Let's go, girls.
What an honor, Mrs. Valentina!
- You can go to mass while you're out, girls.
- Thank you, Mrs. Valentina!
I understand your mother
is out of town, Mrs. Valentina?
Mother went to Brescia and
will be gone the rest of the day.
I didn't come to see your mother. It is
you who warms my heart, Mrs. Valentina!
Can I help you with something?
You already have. But excuse my
impudence, I continue to live in hope.
- Please... Mr. Lawyer!
- There's no cause for worry...
My veneration of you
remains discrete and respectful.
What do you want?
I came to pick up some documents
concerning my client's bankruptcy.
They should be an
envelope for me in your office.
- Is this it?
- What beautiful hair you have, Mrs. Valentina...
- ... soft and sensual ...
- Get out of here, Mr. Lawyer.
- There's nothing wrong with this, Mrs. Valentina.
- My name is Mrs. Arrighini.
- There's nothing wrong with this, Mrs. Arrighini.
- Take your hands off me!
What are you doing with my clothes?
- I've loved you all my life.
- You make me sick.
Don't struggle so...
This is quite normal...
Valentina!
I'm in here Giovannino. I had to get
some documents for Lawyer Caldura.
Good afternoon, Mr. Arrighini.
How is your uncle?
My uncle is fine. May I ask
how you are doing, Mr. Lawyer?
Pretty well, thanks!
I'll take these documents, and
get the rest from your mother.
- Good day... !
- Goodbye!
If I see that slimey lawyer's
face again, I'll break his nose.
- Why, what did he do?
- Nothing, but I'll still beat him.
If only to have fun.
The lawyer is a gentleman, he wouldn't
do anything to hurt me, Giovannino.
I'd like to see that toad with a girl of his own.
Listen, Valentina! I've gone
a little overboard about all this.
I'm normally not like this.
This isn't like me.
Give me a moment!
You see how I got...
I became enflamed...
Sometimes I react to you like someone who
had a set of balls instead of a limp snake and...
But I swear, that's how
I feel and the rest be damned.
I don't know. Maybe its some
kind of complex, like Freud says.
Or I might need a technician,
or a doctor, or a plumber.
- But I do love you...
- You know that you love me.
I know, baby.
And I love you.
I adore you!
Don't let some buffoon ruin everything.
Then I promise I'll succeed...
Come here!
I'll make you forget that lawyer.
- What lawyer? I want you.
- And I want you...
But you promised, Giovannino...
Giovannino! Darling!
I blew it again.
Why am I cursed?
What kind of life is this?
- This is affliction is destroying me!
- Where you going, Giovannino?
Where should I go? Onto the terrace,
into the garden? I'm going to hell.
The fact is I have no more cases today...
It's so hot!
Tell me, where can we cool off?
Let's go to the bar.
Look here...
Hello!
Mrs. Lucia, Mrs. Valentina!
May we have the honor?
- Thanks, but I'm thirsty!
- Giovannino ... !
You two may do as you please...
- Excuse us, Mr. Lawyer!
- My pleasure, Mrs. Lucia!
I heard a rumor that you were
pursuing some young married woman.
I can tell when you're being diplomatic.
I would never do such a terrible thing.
So what have you been doing?
What I've done isn't important. What is
important is what people think I've done.
I know the truth. Giovannino is the
one to watch out for here in the village.
Is that true?
His nephew's wife, Valentina, is quite...
Do you follow me, Lawyer Caldura?
Look how he fathered all
those bastards in southern towns.
And I can tell you those rumors are no joke.
If they are true, no one could
blame Mrs. Valentina if tomorrow...
...or the day after tomorrow, would leave
her husband to seek happiness... elsewhere.
What's this...
Bravo, Uncle!
- In the morning she practices her gymnastics.
- Yes, yes!
It perks me up, too...
I've got to be off to the factory.
See you later.
- Yes, Uncle.
- Ciao! Be good.
- Who is it?
- Alain Delon!
I prefer you, Frederico!
To what do I owe the pleasure?
- Is there something you want?
- I'd like to give you a trim.
- Look here! Property of Moulin Rouge.
- What's that?
- My Red Mill in Paris!
- I understand.
But it's ten in the
morning and the Mill is closed.
We need a non-stop
program in heavy industry.
I want to go into your oven...
- You're in rare form this morning...
- I can't even think.
- That moron of a nephew Giovannino...
- By the way, people are saying that he...
I know what they say!
His wife has aviation gas for blood.
A woman who could set fire to
the city of Brianza while the idiot stands...
...with his dick in his hand instead of...
Perhaps I'm wrong, but you might do well
to teach your little nephew some working skills...
And the first would be learning to drill!
Bull hormones are infallible. Your
problem will be solved in less than 48 hours.
- Unless...
- Unless what?
Unless it's something else.
Sit down...
- What illnesses did you have when you were little?
- I don't remember.
I'll check you record.
So...
At seven you had broken a leg.
At 12 you fell from a tree.
At 15 you got hit in the head with a stone...
I know Doc, but you
must admit, I was a bit lucky.
You're right. It could have been worse.
Let's take a look at your chest.
Lie back!
Usually, the problem is internal.
Sit up!
Take a breath.
How does that feel?
- I feel a sensation of heat.
- Impossible! What heat?
It's just what I feel, and it's getting stronger.
Let me guess.
You're no longer feeling it now?
- You're right! I don't feel it.
- You're healthy as a horse.
That's how it is! Although being
a horse may not be healthy for me.
Give it time, we've just got started.
- Giovannino Arrighini!
- Present.
Come over here!
Tell me something!
These pictures of muscle men...
how do they effect you?
- They disgust me, Doc.
- You are saved!
Come on Camilla, don't tease me.
I helped your father, I helped this
Christian democracy ... what are you afraid of?
If the communists return they'll
subvert the workers, Don Emilio says.
What of the workers?
I'm a friend of labor, I've trained them.
- You are so fresh and beautiful...
- Mr. Frederico!
What is this,
some kind of emergency?
It's getting so you
can't talk politics any more...
- Where you are, Mr. Frederico?
- In the shit.
- Sorry!
- So what's the crisis?
It's a telegram from Mr. Gianfranco.
That's nice. You made it sound like
there was an earthquake. I'm coming.
- What did he say?
- He's coming this morning with his governess.
- The Lady Cartofen...
- Mrs. Valentina already opened it.
Perfect! Prepare a royal
lunch and the guest bedroom.
- Of course.
- Why not take Camilla to the house?
There will be a lot of people
and you'll need some help.
I suspect the kind of work she's cut
out for would help you more than me.
I like to work... not to be worked over.
Quickly, put that on the shelf.
Brigitte, this is a Sicilian specialty.
Sort of African-Italian.
- This is a gift from the lawyer Caldura.
- Thank you, Uncle Frederico!
- Care for a bite?
- No.
- These sweet marzipan cakes are aphrodisiacs.
- What are aphrodisiacs?
Aphrodisiacs make you crave a good
fleecing every week, then recover for two months.
- Gianfranco eats plenty of these when he's here.
- But I'm always a bit skeptical whether...
- Bravo...
- Have a banana.
- Oh! A banana...
- Brigitte eats a lot of bananas for her health.
Then eat all you like.
I've opened a bottle of 60 year old brandy...
Here's one for Giovannino.
- And one to help you work harder, Mr. Frederico.
- Bravo!
I'll show you my latest project later...
This brandy can wake the dead.
Gianfranco doesn't need it, he's always up.
But my nephew and his uncle will benefit...
By the way, Giovannino, you must
drink this, and try some of the cakes.
- For you, children.
- Thank you, Uncle!
You'll be okay, Giovannino.
As the proverb says:
brandy and cakes raise all skirts.
I proved it with my Gianfranco.
I tell you, brandy has an explosive effect.
Gianfranco, can you explain to
your wife how to eat that banana?
I know how to eat it, but I like to
have fun before I finish it. Don't you?
- Isn't that so, Gianfranco?
- Yes, everything she says is true.
And he likes to invent
new games, especially in bed.
That's why I married him.
What is it called in Italian - those
monkeys that make love continuously?
- I'll think about it...
- Mandrills!
Bravo ! That's it, mandrills.
Gianfranco is a regular mandrill...
I don't know you, but, well...
She doesn't sound like other Germans.
Excuse me, I need a little air.
That brandy has my system all worked up.
Giovannino, take this bottle to your room.
- Valentina!
- I'm here, Giovannino.
I think my uncle was right, the
cakes and brandy are having an effect.
Can it be true?
What are you doing to me, Gianfranco... ?
Oh, that's wonderful... !
I brought her from Germany to
teach us how to do it for ourselves.
My love... you're the end of the world!
The end of the world...
My own Kama Sutra...
Not bad work with the
banana in the other room ...
Of course, not a banana pancake...
That must be some interference on their television.
A pair of competitors in the International Games...
Back to our scheduled broadcast.
Where was I? Yes... my banana!
My lady... !
Oh, my mandrill! You're so strong!
Harder, harder...
- I saw you eat most of the cakes...
- Yes, I did. You are a big bull and my...
- You heard what I said?
- ...you're the greatest...
I heard you, but couldn't understand with those
two screaming like they're at the supermarket.
Giovannino, why don't we
do some shopping ourselves?
- Good, good ...
- So, now my Chiquitita is speaking German...
- It's nice, isn't it?
- It is, but the banana is for dessert!
- So let's start with the appetizer.
- No! Please, let's start with the main course!
...his eel, thick as a sturgeon...
... be careful with the fish jokes,
otherwise you'll finish without the caviar...
Damn whore! It's like we're at
the fish store on Monza Way.
Except there are no fish in here.
Oh, my Doberman, you
sex machine, you true Italian!
I knew I: cakes and brandy
raises all dresses. I am a lion!
- You may be a lion, but I'm still a virgin...
- And I'm a Capricorn with a big...
- What are you doing, Mr. Frederico?
- I'm reading your horoscope...
Does it say I will be successful in life?
To my impoverishment! My God, you have
a figure! A coat with two buttons here...
It doesn't feel right. I'm still not ready.
And I'm still earning minimum wage ...
It seems that a roll in the hay
requires union negotiations...
I'll ask Mr. Lama to find you
a place on the domestic staff.
Now go to sleep!
Did you think that for a nickel raise...
Please don't be mad at me...
- Where you going?
- To take a walk in the garden.
Excuse me, Valentina!
What big hands you have, Gianfranco!
I just love your hands ...
Caress me, darling... !
Oh, yes, yes!
You really understand my body...
Oh, take me, take me...
Softly! Softly! Yes, yes...
No! Don't put your hand there...
Not so fast...
Yes... a long caress ....
- You are all I want ...
- Yes, yes...
- Oh, Gianfranco... !
- Now!
Giovannino...
Giovannino...
Giovannino...
You called me, my love?
Do you need something?
No! I only wanted
to tell you good night.
Gianfranco, do you allow your wife to
hang around with her jewels on display?
What can I do? She's a German woman,
and that's how they are in Germany.
Yes, but they also have the Berlin Wall.
Why should you care? She enjoys
showing it, and doesn't care who looks.
- Would you like some cream?
- Yes, thank you!
You have fantastic skin.
Giovannino is a lucky man!
I like how it opens the cells!
Shall I rub some cream on your breasts?
I'm pretty good, I learned from Gianfranco.
- I can do my own.
- Don't tell me you're embarrassed.
- Have courage, don't be ridiculous.
- What if Gianfranco and Giovannino see?
You shouldn't look at the negative
side all the time. Now turn over...
You know... men may
get jealous, but they're only men.
You have fantastic skin. And I like your
breasts - they are a true Italian masterpiece.
What a lovely gathering! One comes to the
lake to meet beautiful sea creatures such as you...
Good afternoon, Mrs. Arrighini!
Stay cool...
Mr. Gianfranco, Mr. Giovannino!
Are you're naked, too?
- Have fun!
- Thanks!
- Someday I'll take that one aside and thrash him.
- Why? He seems to be friendly... !
Friendly? He's a horny bull!
- Goodbye!
- See you soon!
- How's the water, Gianfranco?
- Warm!
If you want to go nude, we
must leave here. It's too exposed.
We must choose another area.
I'll untie the lines...
Come up here!
- Ciao!
- Hello, I'm Maurice! Come over here!
- They're cute!
- Come on back!
Come, our camp is over here!
- What's he saying?
- We've been invited to camp!
Now we're getting together with them?
Should I invite the lawyer Caldura, too?
- Let's get out of here!
- Come on, friends.
- Come here!
- Goodbye!
Come back!
You know that you
are simply phenomenal?
- Where did you learn how to be like this?
- I learned it from Brigitte yesterday.
She does this for
her husband every week.
How you're dressed...
- Hurry, get it off!
- Yes.
- You are mine. You are mine...
- And you are mine.
- We give ourselves to each other.
- Take me, Giovannino.
- This time...
- How wonderful...
Yes, yes...
Yes, yes...
Nooooo...
- No, no...
- Forgive me!
- What is it? Did Camilla turn you down again?
- Cut it out! Everything is fine!
It's Giovannino that worries me. He seems
to be in a coma, like something's missing...
The same problem? He can't get it up?
Do you know everything? Who are
you, the newspaper owner's daughter?
Everyone in town knows, Frederico!
If even one person could mind his own business...
- You know I'd help if I could?
- I know...
Right now I'm so agitated
I can hardly get it up myself...
Love, love, love...
My love!
Every time another game of love ...
Every time a new surgery for your patient...
- Yes, my love...
- Oh, my beautiful baby...
Oh, my Carthaginian! Meow, meow ...
I can't stop.
I can't stop! Yes...
I'm about to win the gold medal...
My stallion...
My lesbian...
Get a grip on yourself, Valentina!
Your expectations will destroy you if...
I was destroyed the day we married, Uncle.
- You are right!
- What is happiness, Uncle Frederico?
- I understand you're missing that...
- Anyone can see them!
Some do it too much... others not at all.
They are on fire all the time!
I can't bear to listen.
It's the passion... of youth.
It's something you wouldn't understand.
No, no! Believe me, I understand it well.
It's your husband who doesn't understand.
How can a woman like you fail?
Two beautiful eyes...
Two beautiful...
So beautiful...
Yes, but why tell me?
You have everything it takes to
make one man happy... even two men.
Ten men... a hundred men ...
- How good are you, Uncle...
- Me? You're the good one... a saint.
A saint? I can't
take it anymore. I'll go crazy!
You're telling me?
Your husband should have his tool cut off.
Yes, you're right.
Your arms are so strong, Uncle Frederico...
I take vitamins for my health.
But about you...
You're so soft...
You have muscles of iron,
Uncle Frederico...
- How about we play Little Red Riding Hood?
- And you'll be the big bad wolf and eat me?
- Now I'm going to eat you up!
- Uncle Frederico...
I'll eat you up...
How lovely your skin is!
It feels like velvet.
It feels like velvet...
It feels like velvet...
Oh... it is velvet.
- Mr. Frederico!
- Yes, Mrs. Lucia!
I must speak with you. It's urgent.
- It's about those rumors, isn't it?
- Yes, about those rumors.
Do we need to talk right
here at factory? Just a moment!
- Go and fill that with oil.
- Very well, Mr. Frederico!
Let's take a walk...
They must cut the rope, Mr. Frederico.
Things can't continue as they are.
I think this marriage must be annulled.
Arrighini won't accept an annulment. He
doesn't want to turn this tragedy into a scandal.
The scandal is yours,
but I've paid for the tragedy.
When you think that I gave the best parties.
The Mayor's son, several professors...
Just to mention a couple...
Those two together don't
add up to a quarter of my nephew.
I forgot the attorney Caldura,
who inherited a fortune...
He has the wealth of a prince.
A true aristocrat ...
Listen, Mrs. Lucia! Giovannino isn't a
prince or a lawyer, but he's an honest man.
Although when he's needed
in bed he's like a dead man?
Speak with your nephew, and keep in
mind that girl is like a flower... a real woman.
Yes! A real woman can make
you lose your head. Just as you said...
Do you know where he is?
Of course, he's staying at my house.
I see him every day...
Don't worry, Mrs. Lucia, I'll take care
of Giovannino, even if it costs me a fortune.
- I'll send him to Dr. Barnard.
- Why do that? He's a heart doctor.
He's a magician.
He can treat the male organ.
Let's move on, Mrs. Lucia.
This may upset you, and I repeat, the mafia
doesn't exist. But if it does, it has long hands.
There's no need to worry,
the Tribunal president is my friend.
Excuse me, I have urgent business!
- I need to speak with you, Mrs. Valentina.
- You're such a pest!
I know that I'm a pest, but
I followed you with great discretion.
- You have behaved quite badly.
- I need to talk to you. Give me an hour.
- You exaggerate, Lawyer Caldura.
- My exaggeration reflects the importance of the case.
- Please, Mrs. Valentina! I beg you!
- Very well, I'll give you half an hour.
Half an hour?
Alright. Climb in, Mrs. Valentina!
Quickly... get in!
Please, over here!
Watch out for the door!
So, let's go...
Why did you bring me here?
I thought getting out in a natural
setting may help us, Mrs. Valentina.
The trees, the lake... walking paths and a
gentle breeze. Who could ask for anything more?
At least that is my hope.
I don't believe you... and never expect to.
I'd be lying to say I
hadn't planned on deceiving you.
And you delude yourself in thinking
your continued insistance will work.
I'm not delusional!
All of life is an illusion.
- What... ?
- It's a more intimate this way...
- I love you, Mrs. Valentina. I love you...
- Please, Mr. Lawyer... !
I can't resist you, Mrs. Valentina...
- I want to leave...
- Where do you want to go?
- Don't touch me!
- How can I not touch you... ?
That is why I brought you here!
Don't touch me, or I'll scream!
Why are you so cynical and cruel?
I thought it was finally time...
You were wrong to think so, Mr. Lawyer.
- I see no one around, Mrs. Valentina.
- Then I'll get out of the car.
No, wait! We'll go...
We'll go, my friend!
Lawyer Caldura is a gentleman!
A gentleman discarded... and dying in despair.
The sun! Smell the country
air, feel the gentle breeze.
This was a good idea. I can feel all
my stress relieved by this peace and quiet.
That makes me happy. I thought
that getting out in nature would help.
It's true. I feel refreshed.
I feel like a new man.
Birds in the air, dew on the grass...
- Bees buzzing...
- A bee!?
Don't worry about the bees.
They've behaved themselves so far...
- You're sweet as honey...
- Kiss me, Giovannino!
Lie down...
This time...
I feel like a sinful Adam in an earthly paradise.
And I feel like the virgin Eve.
- Give me the apple, Eve!
- Yes...
Since we're playing Adam
and Eve, we had to have an apple.
- Naturally...
- So, are we going to commit this sin?
- Giovannino!
- What?
Look there! A serpent!
Of course, we were Adam and Eve with their
apple. All that was missing was the serpent.
Your German woman sings beautifully!
Yes, she took lessons from
Patty Brau, particularly the lyrics.
I don't understand anything she's saying.
- Who... your wife?
- No, Patty Brau!
I'm finished, Mr. Gianfranco.
Do you know you have a beautiful body?
Perhaps I should examine your eyes.
- They're fine.
- All of you is fine...
I know!
Everyone says that, even your wife.
Yes?
- Don't you know that I'm a virgin, Mr. Gianfranco?
- Well, now I'll just have to take your virginity.
- What if your wife comes down?
- I'll put her on the waiting list.
- I service an international clientele.
- No...
What, right here in the pantry?
Uncle Frederico! I'd have hurried,
if I'd known you were waiting.
Please! Ladies first.
Especially beautiful ladies.
Thank you! You're very kind.
What's that you're wearing?!
It's Arab sportswear.
From one Arafat to another.
Nice melons! Like we used to say:
you have to squeeze to see if they're ripe!
- Have you seen Gianfranco?
- Gianfranco, he's gone... !
And Camilla and Gabriella!
All gone! Do you need something?
Gianfranco always gives
me a massage after my bath.
You're in luck!
I once worked in Milan...
...and had a job massaging a German girl.
Then she got a moped and I never saw her again.
- May I give you massage?
- You'd do me?
Come on!
- Mamma mia, what a nice tool...
- What did you think, this was Giovannino's dick?
- Wait... I grabbed a salami.
- Okay... we see about that...
...the other players and Beckembauer,
except that he had an injury...
...otherwise he would have been a footballer.
Not so hard, Uncle Frederico!
Softly... gently.
- More softly and gently...
- Yes!
Yes... that's better.
Good...
- Is it good for you?
- Yes, it's good... so far!
The man with the velvet hands! You
know you feel better than Beckembauer?
Really?
What a figure!
Your body looks like a wavy line.
Now a little higher.
Do my breasts, Uncle!
This is more than a massage, Uncle.
I think you intend to mount me!
A joke is a joke,
but when it comes to sex...
...Uncle Frederico skips past the Maginot
Line and cuts through the Iron Curtain.
My torch burns for your body...
Come, girl! How do
the Arabs do it in these dresses?
What's going on in there?
Nothing! I was just looking for ingredients
to make an omelet. A French frittata.
What was that, an earthquake?
What's going on here?
Mr. Gianfranco wanted to teach
Camilla how to make a French frittata.
- That's right. Not very practical, but...
- But see that you like German frittatas, no?
- You know what I like about you, Gabriella?
- What?
Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Gianfranco, a frittata is just a frittata...
The eggs are always found at the bottom!
Even the German got it...
I am sure that after three or four
months at our factory in Germany ...
Moving to a foreign
country can work miracles.
Of course it doesn't mean
exile for the rest of your life.
I think a brief visit should do it.
This also concerns Valentina.
She'll remain at home.
You won't miss out anything. You'll be
in the company of Gianfranco and Brigitte.
They are quite liberal...
Practicing their native tongue.
If I allow my paternal affection...
Not really paternal... but nearly!
As I understand it, you want to send
me to a German concentration camp...
...because I won't collaborate with the allies.
- You're acting like a Nazi, Uncle Frederico.
- Stop talking shit.
- And why do you want me to go alone?
- Valentina can visit when you're restored.
And how will we know when I'm restored?
- When, ah...
- When, ah? Come on, tell me!
I don't know! When you've
recovered from your birth defect.
I'll get you some
hormones from a cat in heat.
- You got it?
- I'm not moving there... period!
This is an issue that only
concerns me and my wife.
And it seems she has decided.
On the advice of her mother,
I have no more to say on the matter.
Just when you think you've
seen everything, she takes the prize.
I thought I'd married an
understanding, loving girl...
But when we're in bed, her only concern
is whether she's lying next to a bull.
Which must mean
that I am married to a cow.
What are you saying, Giovannino?
Do you want to hear the truth?
I gave you love, loyalty, understanding,
affection. I gave you all I could give.
And when erotic thoughts come to me,
my heart pounds with sexual desire.
And if my husband can't perform, what
can I do? Call Giovannino's cardiologist?
To have him confirm that you're a cow?
Get out of here, you impotent eunuch!
I don't want to see you in this house again.
Mother of God, my love is going to
drown herself in the lake. My poor angel!
What lake, Mama? You know
where that door goes? That goes to...
- Valentina!
- My little...
Giovannino! Mrs. Lucia!
You two sit still, don't make a fuss.
Nothing will happen...
- Valentina! Valentina!
- She's gone to the lake. A suicide. I feel it!
Valentina!
- This is terrible...
- Let's split up.
- I'll go this way... you go that way.
- Oh, Mother of God...
Maybe we'd better take the
boat so we can search the bank.
- Lord ... help us find her...
- Pray later. Now, sit down!
We can't get close enough. Maybe
it would be better to notify the police.
You're right, Mama.
Let's go back.
- What happened, why did you stop?
- It's out of gas.
- Now what?
- I can only paddle.
Put this on, Mama!
I'll be damned, everything happens to me.
What are you doing there, sitting on a rock?
Put this on!
Come along!
Courage Mama, a fishing lodge
is just a hundred meters from here.
We'll shelter there.
Have courage!
Come here.
Hello, won't you please join us, miss!
Go inside! Please...
We made it.
Put the fender over the side!
Let me help you.
Come Mama, stay with me.
Take care, it's slippery.
It will be my fault if
anything happens to Valentina.
Please don't talk like that, Giovannino.
Valentina is no longer a child. Now get
those clothes off! You'll catch pneumonia.
- Are you tired?
- Yes.
Then why don't you rest?
Here, lie down on the bed.
- Would you like a drink?
- Please.
Here! Drink some whiskey.
Stop, Giovannino. You mustn't despair.
I'm sure nothing will happen to Valentina.
It was just a stupid hysterical crisis.
She's a very practical girl, not stupid.
I have taught her well.
Mama! Where are you, mama?
I want my mother!
Mama? You raised me by yourself.
And you were so lonely.
I want my mother.
Hush now, my love.
I'll be your mother.
Don't cry, my treasure,
Tell me your troubles.
I want my mother ...
My mama...
You feel so warm, mama.
At last, my love...
- Mama...
- My beloved. My lover...
- Thank you, Mama!
- What a man you are, Giovannino...
- Isn't that your boat, Don Frederico?
- I don't know, let me see.
- Yes, that's my boat.
- Tie up to it!
Go faster...
- Giovannino!
- Again?
No... I hear a boat.
- Giovannino...
- It's Uncle Frederico.
He brought the police.
Quickly! Get dressed.
Mrs. Lucia... Giovannino!
Where you are?
It's Uncle Frederico.
- Finally... Frederico.
- Thank goodness you found us, Uncle.
Valentina is okay, Giovannino.
Some French campers rescued her.
She's in good health. In fact, I've
never seen anyone in such good health.
I thought you should know, Mama.
Yes, I'm so happy for you ...
I've been thinking about this whole scandal...
- Was your rescue alright?
- Alright?
Why, it was beautiful! It was
beautiful because he was beautiful.
Beautiful any way you want it to mean.
And Giovannino, when will he discover...
When will he figure it out?
He doesn't know about these things.
Now what should I do?
The fact that I've been used...
- You told me to get an annulment...
- An annulment?
No! No... don't annul anything.
- Do you want a scandal, as well as a tragedy?
- But you told me to leave him.
No one is going to be left.
He's part of the family now.
- Just yesterday you said ...
- One moment, Valentina!
Yesterday was yesterday.
And today is today ...
Why not go to him now
and try again. He is a strong boy.
A plant that sits in the shade and
is wilted ... if the rain comes, it blooms.
Your mother may not understand plants
very well, but men... she knows well.
You need to know how to use
what you've learned on Giovannino.
I'm sure after last night's
experience, a new Giovannino was born.
How do you know? How can
you be so sure? Who told you?
A mother's intuition.
A mother is always right.
You want to stop with that foot,
Mr. Frederico? Don't expect a miracle.
Please understand, Mrs. Lucia,
it's just a nervous impulse...
Why can't we play pinch-pinch, Gianfranco?
They get to do it and
we don't, my mandrill?
Sit quietly now, fedayeen!
We need to concentrate on...
- Be careful, you mental case!
- Excuse me, Mr. Frederico!
Put the tray down carefully and go.
This is very important.
- Hey! You scratched me with a fingernail.
- Excuse me, I did it on purpose.
- Then you're forgiven...
- Brigitte!
Even at this delicate time, is sex
the only thing you can think about?
Mama Lucia!
Please come in and
help us for a few minutes.
- What's this? All three in the bedroom?
- How nice, a threesome...
Quiet, you gorilla!
You have 30 seconds... give me his name.
If not, I'll kill you. You and her.
- I'll slaughter everyone! I swear it!
- Stop, Giovannino! No more screaming!
If you don't, you'll bring on a scandal and
make the headlines. Just calm down, my dear!
How can I calm down, Mama?
Do you understand what's happened?
This goddamn slut gave her virginity
while we suffered through the storm.
Shouldn't I have been her first?
Shut up, Giovannino!
No! She just told me about it,
and I have something to say.
- I want to know who it was and why she did it!
- That's enough Giovannino! Shut your mouth!
Now you two listen to me!
All this shit is unimportant.
What's important is your reputations.
First! Who can claim the glory
of being a virgin today? Second...
Second. In my opinion, there's no
other way; Giovannino must go to Germany.
- Oh, poor Valentina!
- I do not know that you should complain.
Valentina can console herself
if she wants, but poor Giovannino...
Sit back, everything is in order.
It was just a little misunderstanding.
Everything has been resolved.
All's well that ends well!
They played pinch-pinch!
- So did they?
- All the way!
This calls for some hot, strong coffee. Gabriela!
- Two strong coffees!
- And pour the brandy. Several brandies...
And now some news for everyone.
Tomorrow, Giovannino and
Valentina are coming to live with me.
- Why? Don't they feel comfortable here?
- Of course, but try and be understanding!
You ask for a reason. Although
they're comfortable in this house...
Giovannino will have an Oedipus
complex as long as he remains here.
- So that's what happened to him ...
- It's a bit hard to explain.
I try to explain
everything in a few words....
To do his job as a husband, Giovannino
must get away from his home turf.
In this house, he misses his mother.
Is it true, Giovannino?
Answer him, Giovannino!
Yes, it's like Mama said! It's true!
I must go to her home.
Congratulations, Mrs. Lucia!
You saved my nephew from Oedipus.
- If someone is worth saving...
- And you know the right way...
- Are you jealous?
- A little ...
Please, allow me to
visit you from time to time.
- Do you have an Oedipus complex as well?
- No, my complex is that I don't like to be alone.
I'm a guy who can find consolation quickly.
It would be better if the children don't see us.
If you want, I'll come to visit you.
If that's what you prefer, I have no
objection... even without an Oedipus complex.
- Have you heard the latest news?
- I always know about everything.
What do you think about it, Mr. Lawyer?
It's not important what I think,
but people say that Giovannino...
I know!
The mother-in-law brought him under her roof.
You heard it right, Lieutenant. But did the mother-
in-law bring him under her roof or into her bed?
Into her bed...