Okay.
It's blog time.
I am a mommy blogger.
I am a mommy blogger.
Get ready, world, for some pearls
of wisdom, coming at you right now.
So here we go!
I got three followers.
Yesterday I had four,
so that's awesome.
My audience awaits.
It's 5:00 a.m. Do you know
where your children are?
Mine are in bed.
I should be in bed.
It's Mother's Day.
But I'm not. Wanna know why?
Because I'm a clean freak!
I am talking freaky, deaky, Dutch.
If you were to lock me away in a
white room, in a straitjacket,
it would actually feel comforting.
As long as the walls were
spotless and nobody wore shoes.
I can actually feel
the house getting dirty.
Like I have nerve
endings in the carpet.
And it affects me.
Wanna know how?
First, I feel distracted.
"Distracted."
D-I-S... Oh, what was I...
So, see, like right now,
I'm thinking of the cleaning
supplies I left out
and how one of the kids is
gonna get up and drink Clorox
and then I'd end up having
to call Poison Control,
and they'd say,
"Sorry, Mrs. Field,
too many times this month."
And take my kids away.
Too many times
this month, Ms. Field.
We're here to take
your children away.
I've played it all out.
I'm sure you've
played this all out.
Which is kind of morbid.
After I feel distracted,
I feel stressed.
Then I have a moment.
Mom!
Mommy!
I am talking to Daddy!
This is me having a moment
with my daughter.
Hon, about the stress level.
- What?
- Well, it's a little high.
- Gee, uh...
- The kind of psycho thing you just did...
Did you just call me psycho?
- No! No. No. No.
- Did you just call me psycho?
It was a little psycho.
This is me having a moment
with some helpless newlyweds.
We just wanted to
say congratulations!
And savor this moment in your life!
So when I started to speak,
I thought it would help.
But then the words just started
coming out of me like lava.
Because you're gonna blink,
seriously, like, blink
and it's all gonna be over
and replaced with
just volume, like...
Mom!
Amazing, amazing
beautiful volume...
Look at that. Look at
that look on her face.
That's the look of a girl
whose fairytale just ended.
I murdered it.
I am a fairytale murderer.
You can only take so much
before you crack!
- Don't.
- No.
I'm like the Bruce Banner
of stay-at-home moms.
He doesn't want to turn into
the Hulk. It just happens.
Which is exactly how I feel.
I love my kids.
I love my husband. My minivan,
my minivan is awesome.
I have this incredible life.
So, why do I feel this way?
Mom!
Mom!
Mommy!
Oh.
Oh.
Surprise! We made you eggs!
With sugar!
Mother's happy day!
I should be happy that
they're making me breakfast.
Instead, all I see is salmonella.
Salmonella everywhere.
On the floor, on the
counter, on my children.
I'm a salmonella-phobe.
Last week this happened to
a doll and I burned it!
Okay, so I didn't realize that
that was Bailey's favorite doll,
and I do feel bad about that.
We're gonna play a little
game! Everybody freeze!
Beck, no. Do not put that...
Oh, no. No, no, he's gonna eat it.
He'll put that in
his mouth and become
one of the estimated
400 people that die
from acute salmonella poisoning,
which I read about on a blog
somewhere. Yeah, okay. I gotta go.
Do not put that finger in your...
Hello, may Field's
residence, please?
Well, how about you try,
"This is the Fields' residence.
How may I help you?"
Daddy!
Hey, is Mommy there?
Mom! Phone!
Wow.
Bailey, I'm up here!
Beck? Beck?
Here's Daddy.
Hello? Hey, hon.
Sean, please tell me you're
on a flight right now.
It's Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day.
That's where we
should have started.
Yes, thank you. Fine. I just...
Why I need you on a flight...
- That's all right.
- Yes, baby.
- They canceled three flights on me.
- Mommy, I made you this.
The airlines are taking care of it.
I got a direct flight. Hello?
You made this for me?
You wanna know why you're so big?
Why?
Because you love us
the most of everybody.
Where's Daddy?
Up in the plane in the sky,
where he always is.
Ouch. That's not right.
Mom! Beck's playing
in the toilet again!
No, no, no. Not the potty.
Not the potty! Not the potty!
It's fine.
Beck!
Oh.
Sean, I don't know.
I'm thinking maybe I don't wanna
celebrate Mother's Day ever again.
Why would you say that?
Because I am terrible at
this, in every single way.
So just do not celebrate me!
What? Come on.
You are an awesome mom.
The kids are messy, you know.
Kids get messy.
Oh, yeah?
I ran out of space, so I
did the rest on the wall.
On the wall?
She's writing on the wall?
What kind of markers is she using?
The come-off kind? Hello?
You got kids? Want mine?
Ah.
Hey.
Now that's a mom.
Talk about perfect.
Oh, yeah, I bet she has a nanny.
Okay, everybody, best
behavior. It's Mother's Day.
Mommy, let me do it.
No, baby. We're running
really late today, okay?
Let me!
Mom, slow down.
Walk with me, Zoe.
Just walk and talk.
But, Mom, you're, like,
the fastest person on Earth.
This is Sondra.
My Catcher in the Rye. My crutch.
My Dr. Phil, Oprah and Gandalf all
rolled into one ball of goodness.
Her only perceived flaw is that she
has no idea what auto-correct is.
No. No, no, that's not what I...
Oh! Technology!
Mom, it's really...
It's just a dance
and there's gonna
be some laser lights
and some glow sticks and that's it.
A rave is not a dance.
Trust your mother.
But, Mom, a lot of the
kids from church are...
- Uh, uh, uh...
- They're even...
- I don't care!
- Seriously?
I don't care!
- Come on, have a heart.
- Zoe!
Mom, you always do this.
You're gonna murder my social life.
Well, maybe it deserves to die.
You know you're not allowed
to date until you're 17,
so we have a winner.
Yeah, and a loser.
I have "Preacher's Kid"
stamped on my forehead.
Oh, there you are.
- Did you find my notes?
- Yeah, right there.
Perfect. Where'd you find
them? I looked everywhere.
- I'll just take that.
- What's wrong with that one?
Video guy says
your tie is strobing,
so this one will be better.
Okay. Notes were on
your desk, corner pile.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
You were so awesome
in the first service
and I was just wondering what...
Sweetheart, I know
what you're doing,
but we've already
talked and we agree.
Points for trying, though.
I didn't even get a fair shot.
- Love you.
- Love you.
Good morning. Somebody
has a birthday, right?
Nice to see you.
Come here.
- Hey, did you get that recipe I sent?
- Yes. Thank you.
Oh, good. Good. Nice to see you.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hey, Ally, hey.
Oh, you having a rough morning?
Sondra, just tell me
it's all gonna be okay.
It's all gonna be okay. Just give
it five years and you'll be...
- Years?
- Seven or five...
Do you want me to
help you with the kids?
Brandon!
Buddy, what are you doing?
- Do you need some help?
- No, I've come this far.
- I am going to finish this.
- Okay.
Let's go. Let's go. This way. This way.
Around. Around. Let's go.
Good morning, y'all!
How is everyone?
Great.
Oh, Sondra. You are such
an inspiration to me.
And you. You are so blessed
to have her as your mother.
I am just so blessed.
Mmm-hmm.
Let go. Let go, let go, let go!
This is my best friend, Izzy.
We pretty much do
everything together.
In grade school
she was wild and popular,
and I was an introvert with braces.
And this is Marco, her husband.
He's always had
three irrational fears,
luchadores, biker gangs
and small children.
This makes him particularly
vulnerable at Halloween.
- Trick or treat!
- Oh!
Izzy!
They're talking to me again.
Doing fine, babe!
I'm just supposed to check them in.
Oh.
- Hey!
- What?
Don't kill the messenger,
but the Sunday school
coordinator said
to remember your number this time.
Yes. Yes. Okay, fine. Just please,
please don't page me
over something trivial.
Um, the fire department
didn't think it was trivial.
- Izzy, look at me.
- Ugh!
I just... I need one hour
to myself on Mother's Day.
Please.
Like, like, me with 20 toddlers.
Thank you. You're a servant.
And fix the eye. It's
really weird, even for me.
Where is it?
Come on. Come on.
All right.
Well, okay.
Work. Work!
Why won't you work? Come on!
Psalm 127 says that children
are a blessing from the Lord.
Excuse me, can I get...
That's why the position of
mother is a high calling
and one that should be
honored and protected.
And let's be honest,
I know what you're thinking.
"Should I be happy when my child
"shoves a Fruit Roll-Up
in the DVD player?"
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Ooh, sorry. Can I have my shoe?
Thank you.
I know for some of you,
Mother's Day can be hard.
If you're like my wife,
Mother's Day is when you
examine all your efforts
and wonder whether it's worth it
when you have to sacrifice so much.
Okay.
Or whether you're having an impact
at all when that teen rebels,
or whether you're really a good
mother by some measure that
you've created in your own mind.
So as we get started today,
what I want to say to
every mother here...
Allyson.
Look, I know you didn't
want to be paged,
but Beck has an
especially large head
and those are
especially small potties.
But good news.
We found a screwdriver.
I mean, we got
the seat off the toilet,
but we don't know how to get
it off, um, Beck's head.
What?
In a moment, our music...
Our music minister's gonna
come and, uh, lead us in song.
And, uh, we're gonna
continue the worship.
- Okay.
- Uh, we're gonna continue.
Whoa.
Hey, hon?
Uh, Ally?
Hey.
- You're home. Hi.
- What happened?
Just taking a little break.
Mommy time.
- Okay.
- I ate the whole bag.
- Yeah? That's okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Seriously, the whole bag?
Actually, I'm hiding.
From what?
The house.
- It's awful.
- It's not awful.
- It's awful.
- No, it's not.
- It's bad.
- So bad.
No, it's bad, but it's not awful.
I mean, some of it's awful.
Uh... What do you
got going over here?
Sondra posted this.
I can't stop watching.
And I don't know why.
Weird.
Happy Mother's Day.
It's really sweet.
What? Hon.
They're just flowers.
Okay, okay.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
get up and clean.
I'm gonna get up and clean.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
go right now.
'Kay, here we go.
Nothing's happening.
I'm stress-paralyzed.
I don't think that's a thing.
It might be a thing.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
I just... I need...
I just need a second.
I don't think you're fine.
I love these shoes!
I haven't worn these in,
like, two years.
Well, they're good shoes.
They make my legs look so good!
Honey. Come on.
I'm okay, I'm gonna be fine.
It's okay, we'll make it okay.
Okay.
I wanna go to sleep.
Okay.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Just... Just sleep here
for a little while.
Mmm.
That's like an eagle, right?
Oh, not again with the bird.
You're watching a bird!
It's live. I might miss something.
Y'all, it changed me.
I mean, it is profound.
I mean, I only read
the introduction,
but it is revolutionary in my life.
Reading books is something I
aspire to, but I have three kids.
So, yeah, I don't read books.
But being in a book club makes
me feel like I read books.
I can feel it.
Every time I go to the mall there's
a parking space right out in front.
There's never a parking space
right there in the front.
But there is, y'all, every time.
Come on! Play with me!
What?
It's not like pretty music
at all. It's hot in there.
Help!
I'm talking about the new mall.
It's The Favor.
Take some of your old recipes
and just rip them up.
You just zero in on what
store's got the best bargains.
And come on, when you're
happy and got a bargain,
your husband's gonna be
happy about the savings.
It can help you find that
red pair of pumps you need.
It's kind of shopping karma.
Emma, remember we went and bought
those prom dresses out there?
I get the sale of the century,
and you wanna know why?
It's The Favor.
Amen?
Yes, sister!
Oh, Sondra. That is just...
Thank you.
That was...
Would anyone else like to share?
Anything? Okay, well...
We didn't even get to talk about
when there is a discount involved.
He's going to love this.
Hey, honey.
Hey.
Daddy!
Check this out.
Whoa.
Yeah, she, um, said she wanted to be
an artist when she grew up. So...
Wow! That is awesome.
You know what?
You got a lot of talent.
- This wall could be worth something someday.
- Mmm.
Okay, here you go.
All right.
You know what I wanted
to be when I was a boy?
A basketball player.
Don't laugh.
There is a proud tradition of
white, short basketball players.
What is this?
This... This is a house
that your daddy's making.
Isn't it so beautiful?
Is that a window?
Yeah, it is.
If you move it over here,
then you can see the pool.
Huh.
I'm gonna go play. See you.
- Okay.
- Okay, see you, babe.
Interesting.
You know what I wanted
when I was a kid?
What?
This.
I wanted to be a mom.
Marry a wonderful man, and I did.
Have beautiful babies and
raise them, and I did. I am.
I don't get it, Sean.
This was my dream.
I am literally living it
and I'm not happy.
Why do I feel like this?
I don't know.
I'm a horrible person.
No. No, you're not
a horrible person.
Just tired.
Sorry.
You don't have to
be sorry, all right?
You don't have to be sorry.
You have to choose to do
something for yourself.
Do something for yourself.
You have to do it. You're the
only one who can do that.
Sean. But...
It's the kind of thing
that if you just...
Sean, I don't need
a lecture right now.
What? This is not a lecture.
This is not helpful in
this particular moment.
I'm not lecturing you.
Honey, I'm listening to you.
I'm sitting here
and I am listening to you.
I know, I know you're listening.
And I'm hearing you.
You doing both of those things?
Listening and hearing?
I am. I'm very talented.
- Oh. You are talented.
- Yes, I am.
I'm showing marked improvement.
You have to give me that.
- I'm... I...
- I want credit.
Who is that?
That'll be Bridget.
What?
Yeah, I called Bridget and invited her
to dinner, and, uh, then I forgot.
Dinner?
- Yeah.
- Open up, you community of losers.
- I'm hungry.
- It's okay. Just...
You know, it's fine. We'll
just whip something up.
- Oh, we'll just whip something up?
- Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause that's usually how
that happens. We do it together.
Looking forward to whipping
something up with you, together.
Wind it up! Whoop, whoop!
This is Sean's
half-sister, Bridget.
Bridget says awkward things.
Bridget has no filter.
Hey, I'm not done with that!
Give it back.
So, um, great news.
I got a new job.
We needed a little more,
so, um, I picked up a night
shift at a bowling alley.
Cool.
That is unbelievably cool.
Oh, no. Here it comes.
She knows I compulsively
take care of people.
I can't say no.
I start on Saturday night
and I was hoping
you could watch Phoenix
while I work.
- Saturday night?
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, um, normally, yes.
But I'm actually glad
you brought that up
because I planned this,
uh, moms' night thing.
- Oh.
- You what?
For Saturday.
You planned a moms' night?
I did. I planned one.
You always babysit
Phoenix on the weekends.
I was sort of counting on
you when I got the job.
Yeah, um...
You know when a flight attendant
goes through the safety thing?
You know when they say, uh, you have
to put on your oxygen mask first
- before assisting others?
- Are we flying somewhere?
Is this what we're...
Yeah. Yeah, you need
your oxygen mask.
You have to have your mask
on before assisting others.
- Ah.
- Right? Before you can help others!
Wow, Sean. We get it!
It's a metaphor. I think we both...
We got it.
It's a very good metaphor. Thank
you for pointing that out.
You're welcome.
- You will go...
- Saturday.
- Saturday night. You will go Saturday night.
- Saturday night.
- Saturday night?
- Saturday night.
- Really?
- It's Saturday.
Oh, no! Sean can't play video games
on Saturday night
with his loser friends.
First of all, that's low.
You don't even know Kevin.
I know Kevin.
Kevin is Sean's friend.
Sean met Kevin when they
were in the fifth grade.
They started playing video
games as juveniles.
They still play video
games like juveniles.
Don't stand right
behind me, move over!
No, no, no, no, no.
Backup, backup.
I just died.
Kevin hates kids.
Well, I hate kids.
You don't hate kids.
I hate kids.
Somehow Sean justifies
this relationship.
No, I didn't shoot you.
The guy behind you shot you.
I use video games to
transition from work stress.
That's my oxygen!
I put mine on, video,
I can help you put yours on,
and then you can help
the rest of the world.
Thank you.
Who's gonna watch the baby?
What about Joey?
Joey is Bridget's ex.
He's a fun guy.
In a non-committal, allergic to
all responsibility kind of way.
No. I tried that.
Here's the thing, you're going out
and I'm gonna, uh, watch Phoenix.
- You're gonna watch Phoenix?
- I will watch Phoenix.
Big brother to the rescue once
again and everybody's happy.
I don't need your charity and I
certainly don't need your metaphors.
So I'm gonna go
get you to bed 'cause that's
the responsible thing to do.
'Cause I'm so responsible.
Later.
See you later.
Look for your oxygen!
You'll find it!
Thought that went well.
And also, uh, Marco's
bringing the twins over
because he's afraid
to watch them alone.
- What?
- Surprise! Sorry.
That's a lot of kids.
Wow.
Wow, honey,
you look amazing.
Are you sure tonight's okay?
Because I'm starting
to feel guilty again...
- It's fine!
- That's okay?
- Come on! Yes!
- Okay.
You're gonna have fun, all right?
- I've got this, all right?
- Okay.
I'm not gonna call you unless
there's a natural disaster
and then I might not
even call you, okay?
The house could be flying,
I'm not calling you at that point.
- Promise me you'll do one thing.
- Okay.
Promise me that you'll do
whatever it takes to...
To unplug and just breathe.
I promise.
Kevin!
Allyson.
Kevin?
Yeah, Kevin's coming.
- What?
- He's gonna help with the kids.
He might help with the kids.
He's here to help.
I think he had a free night.
Kevin is babysitting?
No, no, no, no. I'm babysitting.
Kevin's just here.
Get in here, Stout
Flipper. Let's do this.
What?
His gamertag.
Please tell me you
are not going to be
playing those violent
video games...
Double kill!
With our son!
You know what? You're gonna
have to define violence
because that Lego game you got him,
those characters
shatter into, like,
a million pieces, and that is sick.
- What?
- Right? Okay? Just breathe.
Don't wanna know.
Not tonight, 'cause
I love everybody.
I don't wanna know. I don't.
Destroy them all!
Okay, you know what childhood
friends do eventually?
Oh, just say it.
- They grow up.
- There it is!
Let's go.
One night, dude!
Okay.
Good.
I gotta breathe.
Izzy. Breathe.
Breathe.
Hold on!
This is beautiful.
You're positive. Oh, crud!
I know you'll do great.
Uh, yeah. Okay, well, I mean, I have
the wipies and I have the diapers.
I've got no red dye, 'cause I
know it drives them crazy, right?
But you said there were three emergency
numbers. I only have two, Izzy.
- I only...
- Stop second-guessing yourself.
No, I'm actually not.
I have full confidence in myself
and my abilities as a father.
See, it's one night.
I believe in you.
And you shouldn't.
I mean, what's the worst
thing that can happen?
Serious injury, death, they could get
maimed, I could lose both children!
It's getting hot in here!
I feel...
We gotta get the air looked at.
So, good luck.
Ah, you look gorgeous.
Okay. I wanna have crazy fun.
- Got it.
- Get me out of here.
- Yes, ma'am. Let's go.
- Now.
Whose credit cards
did this all go on?
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
You are never wearing those.
Over my dead body, and my credit
cards won't work if I'm dead.
But everybody's wearing them.
Really?
Well, I'm not wearing them and your
father's not wearing them. Thank God.
- Hi!
- I'll just be a second.
Okay.
Oh, wow. Ally's not wearing them.
- So, whose car are we taking?
- Oh, can we take Ray's?
I can't be seen riding around
in Ray's midlife crisis,
and anyway, it's a cop magnet.
I am so sorry that I wanna go out
with a guy that I met from church!
How wild of me.
Wow, I'm so crazy!
- Hold on.
- Okay.
Okay. You are not going anywhere
until your father gets home
and he's gonna agree with
me when he gets home,
so good luck with that.
Here I come.
Oh, yeah. Oh, good! Okay.
It was working a minute ago.
Why does it keep cutting out?
Well, because my daughter spilled
apple juice all over it.
Here, you just have to...
Kind of loud!
The volume doesn't
really work either.
Yes.
What about a CD, hmm?
Oh. Do you have any Amy Grant?
Uh...
Okay, let me check.
Oh, no! No, don't touch that!
A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K...
This happened once
before. It's fine.
Q, R, S, T...
Ooh, well, now I know my ABC's.
Hey, good news is we got
a great parking spot.
Right under the light.
Safest place.
Oh, yeah. I read that blog.
You know what, ladies?
Tonight is our night
and we look good.
Mmm-hmm.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
Hello, welcome to Chez Magique.
Your journey awaits you.
Ooh. Field, party of three.
Okay, uh, what is your name?
- Field.
- Hmm.
I cannot seem to find your
reservation on my scroll.
Sorry.
But I...
I...
It's only a two-and-a-half-hour
wait. Totally worth it.
And during that time,
you're more than welcome
to observe the art in the gallery.
I don't want to observe art.
I know. It's really
exhausting, right?
Look, I scouted, I planned, I got
the Groupon, I made a reservation.
I did everything required of me,
so there must be some mistake.
How about this?
Why don't I go back
and talk to my visionary for you?
Your what?
My manager.
Oh, yeah.
Just wait here, 'Kay?
Is everything okay?
No, they lost our reservation.
The wait is two and a half hours.
This is going to completely
ruin our night.
No, no. You know what?
Everything is gonna be okay.
There is a man-child playing
death video games at home
with my son. I'm just...
You know what...
Ally, Ally. Relax.
I'm sure Sean has
everything under control.
Relax.
I've played it all out.
Right now, I bet he's playing
some game with the kids,
like cops and robbers,
and it's gotten
totally out of control.
- This is out of control, Sean!
- It's not out of control!
This is totally out of control.
It's out of control.
No, it's not.
- I can't see the kids.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
And the house is a
wreck and Brandon is
playing death video games.
I know you can do it!
You may not have any sense of
what you're doing. None of us do!
I didn't sign up for this.
I did not sign up for this.
And I bet Marco is all
freaked out and overwhelmed,
and Sean is giving him
the Braveheart speech.
This is your moment!
Let me tell you something, okay?
Fatherhood's about manning up!
And one of the twins is
in a video game coma,
which will make him have nightmares
and will make Izzy
mad at me on Monday.
I've played it all out.
- Joey?
- Hey.
- Hi, Allyson.
- Hi.
I didn't recognize you
without your kids.
What are you doing here?
- Just meeting somebody.
- Oh.
We're just having dinner.
Little girls' night.
Yeah, yeah.
Bridget told me.
No, Zoe. I told you, you cannot
take your father's car.
And if you know where you're going,
why don't you just
tell me where it is?
Yeah, it is so simple.
Have a nice night.
'Kay.
Hey, if you talk to Bridget,
don't tell her you
ran into me, okay?
What? Wait, why not?
So, after a very helpful
consultation with my superior,
there is a very special
table that awaits you
next Saturday, because that's
when you made your reservation.
No, no, no, I didn't.
I, um, called on Monday...
You did. You called
and you spoke with Brie.
- Yes! Brie, yes, yes.
- Remember her?
Yeah, she's really pretty.
And you said next Saturday.
Yes. Next Saturday, as in the
next available Saturday.
The next one that exists.
The next one to be.
No. Next Saturday would be
the Saturday immediately following
the current week you are in.
No, it's the one immediately
following whatever day it is.
That's what next means.
Mmm, mmm-mmm.
No. That would be "this" Saturday.
As in, like, this pen here.
As in, like, this little mousey
thing. As in this phone.
Like, "Oh, hello, I'd like to make
a reservation for this Saturday."
"Oh, you mean today? Yes,
you may." See, like that.
But, you didn't say "this,"
you said "next."
I don't care what I said!
Just give me a table!
Okay, Ally, I think
she gets the idea.
Yeah. You're getting a little angry
and it's doing something
ugly to your face.
You don't look good.
I'm sorry, I just...
Can you help a girl out?
- This is my first night out in forever!
- Aw.
And I'm wearing heels,
I'm carrying a small purse.
I just wanna sit down with
my friends and enjoy a meal
without three little people
clawing all over me!
So, let us know when
a table's available.
Okay, I'll do that.
I just... I need a break
because my job never ends.
So can you please
just check your scroll
and maybe just change your scroll?
Oh, um...
Visionary has decided that
you've disrupted the aura
and you need to leave.
What?
What? The...
This is a restaurant!
This used to be Mike's Barbeque!
- How dare you talk.
- Okay, we gotta go.
The aura? Really, aura?
These are so good.
Goodbye.
I made a reservation.
This is unbelievable.
I didn't wanna eat there anyway.
I just need to eat somewhere.
Not a big deal, Ally, we
can do this another night.
No! We're not doing
this another night.
Because tonight is our night
and tonight is not a failure!
Just one second.
Marco is so clueless sometimes!
- Zoe.
- Are you really gonna just...
I told you not to go anywhere
until your father got...
No, Zoe. You listen to me.
Don't go anywhere until...
Marco forgot the wipes.
I mean, seriously?
What are you doing?
- I'm saving your life.
- I'm sorry,
- I may have to go.
- No, you're not gonna do that either.
- This is my life.
- I need my phone!
I need my phone! Ally,
Ally, I need my phone!
Honey, let's just talk about this!
Don't do anything crazy!
I was in the middle of a text!
Marco can find the
rash cream on his own.
I have full confidence
he can do it.
Except he can't.
Sean told me to unplug!
This is me unplugging, okay?
I'm listening to my husband,
Sondra. It's biblical, right?
It is biblical.
Okay.
No phones! No phones!
So, this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna, we're gonna...
We're gonna, um...
We're gonna go bowling!
Who wants to go bowling?
I know I do. Sondra?
- Fine. Absolutely.
- Yes!
Bowling it is. Let's go.
I'm letting my hair down, ladies.
I am not wearing
vending machine socks.
Whoa.
You all right?
Yes, yes, I'm, I'm fine.
I'm under control.
Would you help me get my kids out?
Whoa, whoa.
- What was that?
- It's a bird.
- A bird?
- Yes, it's a bird, okay?
My kids, they wanted
to bring the pet bird.
And you let them?
I didn't know it was gonna be
flying all over the place!
Why didn't you put it in the cage?
You don't think I thought of that?
Look, it was in the cage,
and the locking mechanism
isn't exactly very intuitive.
Stay, Mama.
Its name is Mama?
Yes, its name is Mama.
Izzy was the one that let
the twins name her, okay?
- You got a bird flying around, Marco!
- Shh.
I don't think he's scared.
I think he doesn't wanna hurt...
Okay, so here's the plan.
We take them inside, get their hand
stamped and they can't get out.
Like Shawshank Redemption.
I love it.
Hey!
- Oh, hi.
- Good for you.
Good job.
Why don't you go ahead and just...
That kind of... That
threw me a little bit.
Well, this was a good idea, Ally.
We're having fun after all.
Hey, um, so I am really sorry about
that horrifying display back there.
I actually think I might be
going a little bit crazy.
No, you were just having
a moment. That's all.
It was, like, my fifth
one this week. So...
It happens to everyone.
- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.
Yet somehow I can't quite picture
you having a moment like that.
So, how is the blog going?
Oh, the blog.
It's... It's
not coming really at all.
I can't...
I can't really find
anything worth saying.
And then when I sit down to try,
I just wind up staring
at that eagle's nest.
You have completely ruined me.
And Ray thinks it's crazy.
No, seriously,
I cannot stop watching it.
Like, it is a problem.
I don't know, Sondra.
I just feel like
she's so there.
You know, like, she's peaceful.
And she's happy.
Are you happy?
Look, Ally.
Life is not about a parking space.
It's not about God taking
away all our problems
and making everything perfect.
It's about finding the meaning and
the joy and the purpose in this,
in all the chaos and the crazy.
And it's knowing...
It's knowing that God is with you
on the good days and the bad days.
You know, does my
faith give me that?
Yes, it does.
Am I always happy?
No, that's a fantasy.
- Think I'm...
- Hmm.
- Hey, Ally.
- Yeah.
Thank you for inviting me tonight.
You know, it's the first time anyone
from the church has invited me
to something like this for...
First time in five years.
Of course.
Yeah.
- Hey, yeah. Yes, going.
- Ooh.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Little free advice.
Sure.
Hey, Ally. It's me.
Uh, just wanted
to let you know that
everything is going great here.
Uh, we're all good.
Um, we're gonna take a
little trip to the hospital.
Are you kidding me? You
want 50 tickets for this?
That's extortion.
Beck got himself caught in
the Rocket to Mars game.
They didn't have to use the jaws
of life to get him out this time,
thank goodness.
Uh, he's free now
and he's looking good,
his vitals are good.
He's stable.
They say we gotta take him down
to have him looked at, anyway.
Uh, a matter of policy, which is
fine, because I sort of, um...
I dislocated my shoulder trying
to get him out of there.
Funny thing.
We spent 50 bucks and
got 200 tickets,
so I expect something
of equal or greater value.
- Like a, like a, like a...
- Puppy!
Yes! A live animal.
I want something
like a live animal.
Like a turtle or
one of those pet pigs.
I'd like a pet pig.
Me and the Beckster are kind
of cruising on our own.
They need the minivan to
move the kids around.
We know where you are, so we're just
gonna slip into the parking lot
and switch the keys out
for the minivan.
And, uh, Marco told, uh... Texted
Izzy that, so she should...
She should know that.
Uh, I'm pretty sure
she got most of that.
What about the bouncy balls, right?
I mean, kids like the bouncy balls.
Marco, that's a choking hazard.
Why am I the only one
that knows this stuff?
Watch out, ladies and gentlemen.
It's time for the Dance Cam!
Who's it gonna be?
Who's it gonna be?
Oh, that is loud.
That's very loud.
The winner of tonight's
Dance Cam...
Oh, my.
...gets a free month of bowling!
Yeah, let me hear you! Uh-huh!
All right!
Michelle! Nice moves.
It's not Michelle.
All right, it's Ashley.
Everyone, give it up for Ashley.
Back to the music.
Okay, so, how far along are you?
- What?
- Well, you're...
No, because if I was,
I would be freaking out
that my husband
would go whimpering into
a fetal position
like he did last time.
I gotta be honest with you,
I didn't get any of that.
Six pins down, ladies!
Beat that, Sondra.
That's more than six.
Oh!
Moral dilemma.
Ally?
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Hey, Bridge.
Yeah, we're, uh, you know,
glow-in-the-dark bowling.
Which is so fun!
It is, really. But it's
actually not that fun.
Okay, anyone else who wants
to be on the Dance Cam?
Did you see that?
Oh, no, no, no. We can't have
any of this at our table.
No, this does not look good.
That does not look good.
Dance!
Wiggle. Do anything.
These aren't mine. I don't drink.
No, these are not mine.
I can't. No, I don't dance.
No, I got to get over and...
Boo!
You, ma'am, are an embarrassment.
That's a Dance Fail.
- It's right there.
- Yeah, she tried. She tried, though.
- She tried hard.
- She tried.
Oh, hey, um...
Actually, I was just wondering,
who'd you wind up
getting to babysit Phoenix?
Oh, I just asked Joey to do it.
I think you were right. He
owed Phoenix some Daddy time.
Joey?
Joey, as in your ex-boyfriend
Joey? That Joey?
Yes, yes. That Joey, why?
Know what? Um, no.
Why?
What's going on?
Hey.
Hi, welcome to Chez Magique.
Your journey awaits you.
Great, thanks.
Oh, uh, no! You need to wait here.
Are you kidding me? Move.
- Um, I will not move.
- Um, yes, you will,
or so help me,
I will take this aura in
here and I will murder it!
You're kidding me.
No.
Whatever.
Namaste.
- Here, take the bird.
- I don't want the bird.
Oh, no, you gotta take the bird.
There's no way the boys are gonna
get in the car without the bird.
- I don't want the bird.
- Take the bird!
Hey, where's the car seat?
Yeah, dude. Everybody knows
you need a car seat.
You gotta get the car seat.
That's the whole point.
What am I gonna do with a bird?
Don't talk to me.
Joey!
Seriously?
I leave Phoenix with
you for one night!
He's fine. Somebody's watching him.
So that you can take your
tramp out for chocolate cake?
Oh, that's great.
Hi, I'm Bridget. Nice to meet you.
This is totally not
what it looks like.
Where is he?
Do it again!
A, B, C, D, E, F, G
H, I, J, K, L, M, N...
Man.
No!
No, no, no, no, no. Sean,
tell me that was not my bird.
Tell me that was not my
bird that just flew away.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, that's our parking spot!
Who has him?
Bones.
Bones.
Bones from the tattoo
parlor, Bones?
Yeah, yeah. He said he could
hang there until I pick him up.
He's at the tattoo parlor?
He's not getting a tattoo!
I am not going in there!
- You gotta go in there.
- I don't wanna go in there.
Because this night will never end!
That's why you gotta go in.
I said, I promised, I vowed. I said, you
know, everything, and then I walk in?
Please. I'm just
not going in there.
It's a matter of principle. Okay?
Marco, give me your keys.
We'll leave my car in this
general area for the girls.
You guys take the van and the kids
to my house. Geez, this is confusing.
I gotta get Beck to the hospital.
Beck's fine.
Did you hear the
fire guy? It's policy!
Now, make the transition.
But what about my bird?
I got an idea. I got an idea.
I saw this on Animal Planet once.
- They come back.
- What, like this?
- Yeah.
- Mama!
It's not a falcon.
I am not overreacting!
I'm calling from Chez Magique.
There's a crazy lady
in my restaurant.
She just brought her crazy
baby sister, or mini-her.
There's two crazy ladies now.
One crazy lady first.
Now two crazy ladies.
Chez Magique.
Marco! Get it off! Get it off!
Marco! Marco!
Where's the bird?
Do you see it?
Shh. Where's my bird?
Where's my bird?
I sat on it.
- Hmm.
- I'm dead.
- I'm gonna kill you!
- No, no.
- Kill you!
- Stop, stop. Okay, okay.
In your sleep!
Yep, yep. Okay. Let's go.
It's...
Just, it's nothing. It's...
How am I supposed to get him?
I took the bus to get here.
If I leave work early
on my first night,
I'm gonna get fired!
On my first night!
I need this job.
- Ally.
- I've got the van.
We'll run, we'll pick him up.
We can fix this.
Get right back on schedule.
Best night out ever will just be
on pause for 30 minutes, right?
And then do what with the baby?
I haven't gotten that far yet.
Let's get the van, then...
Where's the van?
I parked it right there.
It only takes a couple of
seconds to steal a car.
That's what Marco says.
Always lock everything up.
I did! Am I crazy?
So, what do I do? Do I
report it to the police?
With what phones?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!
You guys don't have phones?
Okay, I'm freaking out now.
My phone's back at work.
We'll just use mine.
Okay, great. Let's go.
Oh, hey, can you ask them and
see if they saw anything?
And don't forget our shoes.
But maybe not wear them.
My feet are killing me.
Uh, uh, there, uh...
There are a bunch
of stickers on there.
So, there's a fish one
that's pretty faded.
And, um, "Eat Organic."
"My homeschooler is smarter
than your honor student."
There are a bunch of others,
but I don't really
wanna talk about them.
But you get the idea. Okay?
It's an emergency. It's personal.
We think it was taken
sometime around 8:00.
- Hey, I called a cab.
- Great.
Okay, thank you very much.
Are you sure this is the
fastest way to Davis Street?
Absolutely. This is
the fastest way.
Why don't you just
cut over on to Eighth?
He should take the expressway.
Are you from England?
No, I just watched a little bit of
the BBC and I picked up the accent.
I'm a cabbie, luv.
It's my occupation.
Why do people from other
countries always sound smarter?
Because we are smarter, which
is why this is the fastest way.
- Okay, can you step on it?
- Why, you're all very lovely,
but, no, I'm not gonna get a
ticket for the four of you.
Well, we're trying
to find her baby,
who happens to be stuck
in a tattoo parlor.
Yeah, well, that's none
of my business.
Are you having a laugh?
Road, road, road!
- Right!
- Watch...
Right.
Onward!
I'm sorry. Where are
we going again?
So, can you wait just five minutes?
Is that an actual five minutes,
or is that a ladies'
night five minutes?
How long can it take to get a baby?
Is Bones here?
Yeah, he's working.
Can you go get him, please?
'Cause I have a question for him.
He, apparently, has her baby...
I need to talk to him right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Simmer down, y'all. I can't even
understand what you're saying right now.
Like, Chill.
For real.
Look, we're here to get Phoenix.
See, that's what I'm talking about.
Phoenix.
Rising from the ashes.
That's number 97 over there.
But I think you should
do it across your back,
'cause it'll be real
pretty-like right there.
No, no, no, she was talking...
- Shh!
- Sorry.
Phoenix is my baby.
Well, do you have a picture?
'Cause Bones needs a picture
to get the tattoo perfect.
You know what I'm saying? 'Cause
them little hellions are hard to draw.
None of us want a tattoo!
I want a tattoo.
- Yeah, you do.
- Okay.
Phoenix is my baby
and he's in the back.
And we are here to pick him up.
But who would bring a baby
to a tattoo parlor?
- Like, that's dumb. That's real dumb.
- I know, right?
Yeah, that's actually
a viable question.
Illegal.
Hello.
Okay, I'm officially
freaking out now.
Bridget, it's gonna be okay.
Okay, so, there's no baby
back there, which is awesome.
But you guys had me.
I was a little scared,
like, maybe you were from the
health department or something.
Okay. We're gonna
come up with a plan.
You were gonna arrest me,
or maybe worse, cut off
my hair, like, what!
- We'll figure it out.
- Okay.
What would happen
if you cut my hair?
It's okay, though. Look, Bones is
gonna help you when he's done.
Everything's okay.
Like, we're good.
I need to talk to Bones right now!
You can't rush art.
What is wrong with you?
Are you hearing what I'm saying?
You know what? I am just...
I'm gonna call the police.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Look, calm down.
Look, you're scaring everyone.
Like, look, seriously, I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave
and take your little
Housewives of Ohio with you.
- Like, for real. Go. You just scared everyone.
- Ladies.
And take this one, 'cause she's
been eyeing me the whole night.
- Follow me.
- Follow mama bear. That's right.
I was just kidding. You're cute.
I'm married.
I love you.
So, what do I do? Should
I call the police? Ally?
I don't...
Okay, ladies. Follow me.
- What?
- Back door.
Oh!
Watch it. Watch it, ladies.
Germs. Germs everywhere!
Be careful there.
Okay, don't touch that.
There's hair in it.
Okay.
You know, this is a bad idea.
No, no, no, no! We can
get this open, right?
- Who wants to help?
- Bridge...
Ain't no money back here,
so turn yours...
- Hey.
- Bones, it's me, Bridget.
Bridget. Hey, baby girl, what
are you doing back here?
Oh, I'm just here to get Phoenix.
Joey said he dropped him
off with you, right?
Yeah. Oh.
I love that kid.
You ever notice that he snorts
when he starts to laugh?
Adorable, he really is, but...
Do I know you from somewhere?
My husband is the pastor
of First Baptist.
No, that's not it.
I can't go an hour without a
smoke, and it's an awful habit.
I also know that you should not do
that around a baby... Bonnaroo?
No.
I could have swore I know you...
Bones, Bone, Bones! My baby.
So, I called Caprice
and Caprice said
she'd take him until Joe got back.
- Caprice Stevens?
- Mmm-hmm.
Joey's ex!
It's okay. She don't smoke.
She's a non-smoker.
You need her address?
No, I know where she lives!
You ladies should really stay
out of the alleys, though.
There's some unsavory types of
fellows hanging out back here.
- Open this door now!
- Ladies, ladies. Can we not...
Oi, what's going on?
Would someone please
communicate with me?
- What's your problem?
- Where is Caprice?
She went out, man.
Went out where?
She didn't say. Who are you?
We're here to pick up
baby Phoenix, my nephew.
My son.
Oh, right, right. Yeah, your baby's
been screaming his lungs out.
What do you mean?
Why? Is he okay?
- What happened?
- Where did she go?
I told you, I don't know.
Okay. Let me in here,
you worthless pothead!
Whoa, whoa.
Let me handle this, girls.
Let me handle this.
Uh, you. Now, look at you.
You pathetic primitive.
You leech on society.
You, that represent everything that's
wrong with the American economy.
Here's what we're gonna do.
Listen very closely.
In three...
Oi!
Open the door!
I do not like that!
Would you please...
Yes. As I was...
Ow! Would you please stop?
- Why are you being a baby?
- I'm not.
Bones, help!
Bones!
I thought I told y'all
to stay out of the alley.
What's wrong, darling?
Caprice was not there.
There's some guy named Hank
and he said she took Phoenix,
but he wouldn't tell us where.
- And then he assaulted our cab driver.
- Right in the nose.
Blood everywhere.
Lollapalooza?
No.
- Ozzfest?
- Never.
- Live Aid?
- Please stop.
Can we please pull the conversation
back to my missing child?
I have no idea where
he is and I'm just...
I'm just worried sick about him
and I didn't know where
else to turn, so...
Why did you leave him?
All right, fine!
I'm coming.
Why you gotta be so loud?
Hello, Hank.
Hank, where's the baby?
Bones, I don't know.
Don't lie to me.
- I'm not lying!
- You know what's gonna happen to you?
- Where'd she say she was going?
- Um...
I believe her exact words were,
"I need a drink"?
You let Caprice, six months sober,
go out drinking with a baby?
Yes.
Hank, you deserve this.
That's what I would have done.
I hate to be the one
to tell you this.
Seems as if your baby is the drinking
buddy of a relapsing alcoholic.
Oh.
- Breathe.
- We don't have
much time. We should go.
- Let's go.
- Let's go! Come on!
What's all that ruckus over there?
Honey, you know
it ain't no telling.
Lord have mercy. Those
people across the street.
Your momma be here in a
little bit, baby, I'm sure.
Aw.
Here we go.
Okay.
Hey, Sean. What's going on?
Hey, Ray. What are you doing here?
I'm seeing a church member.
Have you heard from the girls?
I can't get a hold of Sondra.
This phone is almost dead. Okay,
okay, where are we going?
Hello, Bridget?
No, honey, it's Ally.
We are in deep, deep trouble.
Hon, I can't hear you,
you're breaking up.
- You said what?
- Fifth Avenue.
- Bones was there.
- I can't...
Hon, I can't hear you.
Slow down.
Cab driver is bleeding everywhere.
It's insane.
Who's bleeding?
Somebody's bleeding?
- Did you say bleeding?
- Whoa! Look out.
Hello?
- She's in trouble. We gotta go.
- Yeah.
What?
Searing pain! Searing pain.
You know, we're in a hospital.
Yeah, sorry, it's just my shoulder.
It's okay. I have a plan.
It's okay.
Oh!
- That can't be good.
- Okay, uh,
sir. Sir. Sir, I think you need
to see a doctor about that.
I know. I know, but my wife's
in trouble. It can wait. Hold on.
Third time's a charm. Third time.
It's gonna be fine.
- Aah!
- Oh!
- It worked!
- Seriously?
Yeah, it worked. It's good.
- You're good?
- Yup. It's good. It's good.
All right. That's great. Why don't
you let me drive, all right?
Come on. We're going for
a little ride, buddy.
She said something
about a tattoo parlor
on Fifth and a guy named Bones.
Okay. All right. So just try and
follow him. I'm sorry about this.
Not to worry, luv.
I'm a trained professional.
I learned this doing
a little stint in Germany.
The autobahn is no place
for the faint of heart.
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
This is nothing.
Wait. Is that...
That's my van!
Sing with me! A, B, C, D...
I did it! I did it! I did it!
No more noise! No more music!
Put it back on.
- What?
- Put it back on right now!
- Where?
- Get the van! The van!
Get the van!
That's my van!
That's my stolen van!
Go get it! Get it!
What about my baby?
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
He's getting away!
What are you doing?
I'm being followed by
American Choppers back there.
Then go faster! Go faster!
No, no, no! No faster! No faster!
Now the cops are
following him, too!
Just get out of the way.
I've been trying to
get out of the way, okay?
- They keep following me. I'm trying!
- No, just get out of the way!
Light red. Light's red!
- Light's red!
- I see it! I see it!
Don't do it!
I have a sighting on that stolen
van. A gray Sienna with...
With, I don't know, stickers.
No, no, no. No, no!
You wanna mess with me?
You want a piece of this?
Say hello to my little
sippy cup, baby!
Hey!
Well, how'd you like that, huh?
Looks like...
I don't know. Sippy cups.
Hey! That's my van!
That's my stolen van!
Hey! Hey!
- What in...
- Get the van!
Ma'am, get back in the vehicle!
Van! Yes, get it!
Get us off this crazy train!
Everybody just hold on!
I don't wanna die!
Are you okay?
Is everybody okay?
Oh, that's gonna swell.
No, no. Why are you still following?
Why are you still following?
Why are you still following me?
Good evening, Officer.
Driver! Put your
hands out the window.
But...
Now, exit the vehicle slowly.
Uh...
Did you get that biker back there?
Stay where you are, sir.
Sir, stop where you are.
Now back up three paces.
Turn around, face the light.
No, the other light. Turn around!
Toward the light.
- The light. That light?
- That light. Yes.
Down on your knees, now!
Down on your knees!
- Sir?
- Hands behind your head.
Stay there.
- Sir, is this your vehicle?
- No, sir. It's...
- Stay right here!
- Okay!
- Have you been drinking?
- No, sir!
Is there someone
else in this vehicle?
Yes.
Stay where you are.
Uh-oh.
Hello!
What in the...
Sir, is this your vehicle?
- No!
- No, sir!
Thank you, my dear.
- Is this your daddy?
- No, sir.
Is that your daddy?
No, sir!
Who's your daddy?
He's in the hospital.
What's going on here?
He's taking us to his house,
but I don't want to go!
You don't want to go? That's very
bad. What else should I know?
He killed Mama.
He what?
Okay, no. I can explain. Mama's
the name of the parakeet...
Down on your knees now!
Down on your knees!
No, don't! Don't shoot, no!
Face down, face down! Right now.
No, no.
Dispatch, I need backup.
Send units now!
- I'm down! I'm down! I'm down!
- I need more units. Backup now.
Guess what, kids?
We're all going to jail.
We are going to jail!
Aw, man, I hate jail!
Izzy's gonna kill me!
Don't move! We got a felon!
Ow. Ow.
Okay. All right! I'm sorry.
What happened?
I'm sorry about the flight
mechanism, ladies.
I kinda lose it when
I see those flashing lights.
I have a checkered past.
Okay, what about my van?
Well, it's quite a mess up there.
I got as close as I could.
Um, they're hauling
the criminals off now.
Seems it was stolen by
a mentally unstable man
with some kids and a parakeet.
Marco?
What? Why does Marco have my van?
- Where are my kids?
- It's okay.
What if they're in jail?
I don't think they can book a baby.
I may be wrong,
but I don't think they can.
Go, go, go, go, go!
I knew it!
She took her daddy's car.
I told Zoe that if
she went to that rave,
she was gonna learn the hard way.
Oh, her daddy is
gonna kill her when
he finds out she's in the clink.
"Clink"? Really?
Can you please move?
I'm sorry.
Come on!
Hey, I think you could
probably just leave.
- Oh, no, darlin'.
- No?
No, no. I'm totally
committed to this thing.
I wanna see how it ends.
Yeah.
Are you taking my children?
Do you have my daughter?
I need to file a missing
person's report.
Did you have my van come in here?
I will find whatever foster
care you take my children to.
She's just going through a phase.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second!
Ma'am, just wait a second. Hold
on, and just one at a time...
Do not tell me to hold on.
I have a missing child.
No. What she's
trying to say is that...
Ally, stop, okay?
Nothing you've done tonight
has helped in any way.
So just stop trying
to fix things, okay?
This is what happens when you
take away people's cell phones!
Do you have my daughter?
Ma'am, what is
your daughter's name?
Oh! I knew it. I knew
this was gonna happen.
This is God punishing me for
the Woodstock Reunion.
Woodstock Reunion!
You were in the caravan.
I never forget a face.
Sarah? Sandy?
- Sondra?
- Sondra!
I love your tattoo.
Come on, ladies.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You cannot go...
Think they gonna try to go in.
I don't think they want me
in there right now.
All I really want to do right
now is call Sean and the kids.
There's a phone over there
by the metal detector.
Did anyone come in here tonight
that wasn't supposed to be in here?
No. Man, I don't know.
I don't think of asking them
those kind of questions,
but I think you're on to something
'cause I should inquire
more of our patrons.
What about this? What about, um...
Does the word "Bones"
mean anything to you?
- It does.
- Okay. What does it mean?
- A person.
- Is it a person? Is it a person?
- It is.
- It's a person.
- Could it be the manager?
- Is Bones a manager here?
You are correct. You're good
at this one, bro. Keep him.
Do you know where they went?
Which direction they went?
No, but I did see them leave.
Where did they go?
To the right.
Out, and to the right.
No destination? They didn't
say where they were going?
Well, I think the right is east.
- Ask him...
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Sean?
- Oh.
Hon?
Where are you?
We're fine. We're fine. We're
at the, um, tattoo parlor.
- What?
- Yeah, the tattoo...
It's a maze back there!
Officer, do you know how an experience
like this can scar a teenager?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Calm down for a second.
- Back up! Just hold on a second.
- She's not a hardened criminal.
You're in my space... Hey! Whoa!
Quiet, quiet!
Shut up! It's Caprice!
- Hello.
- Sir, we got a situation up here.
Oh, Sean, this has been
the worst night ever.
I honestly don't know
how it could get any worse.
All right. Yeah, all right.
Don't move.
Where are you?
Don't freak out. Some
police station...
With the police?
Okay, okay.
We're coming. We got them.
- We gotta go. Yeah.
- You found them? Okay, let's do this.
Hey, big guy.
Thanks very much. Okay.
Wait, so are the
police coming or not?
- Phoenix is where? I can't...
- Sir, we got some unstable women up here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, I hate
you so much, I can't...
I'm just gonna kill somebody!
This is not... Is that a Taser?
I will tase you.
You cannot do this.
Stand down! I will tase you, woman!
How dare you? My husband
is the pastor at First...
Sir, they just came in
here and started to...
That was an accident.
I can't feel my face.
Is this a nightmare?
My face has no feeling.
Oh.
Bridget. We are gonna find
your baby. He is safe.
He is in the palm of God's hand.
And you know what?
I don't judge you. I don't.
I love you, and you know
what? God loves you.
Sondra, maybe you should just rest.
Ma'am, the kids are all fine.
Just wait.
I had tonight playing out
differently in my mind.
Have a donut, Kevin.
I want my lawyer.
All I heard Caprice say was
that Phoenix was fine.
But she didn't say where
and then my phone died.
You, ladies. Front and center.
Hello, ladies, I'm Sergeant Murphy.
We've been filling out an awful lot
of paperwork trying
to unravel this mess.
But for now, I would like
for us to do one thing.
Stay calm.
Can you do that for me?
I'm calm. I feel very calm.
Can you do that? Can you be calm?
I'm so happy.
Well, you have a visitor.
Mom!
Zoe!
Why are you in jail?
I'm not! You are.
I've been in the back filling out
this missing person's report.
You're alive!
I am so glad that you're alive!
I called the restaurant and they
said that your car had been stolen.
And so, I called Dad,
and he's with Sean
and he told me that
you guys were in trouble.
So I got so freaked out that
I drove over here in his car,
which was awesome!
But I'm so sorry.
So you didn't go out with Steve.
What? No! Ew. He's a total
player, you were right.
Facebook, I'm his number three.
Oh, Zoe.
Go ahead and say it.
You were right. I'm a pastor's
daughter, I should be perfect!
No! Honey, that is
not it at all! Oh.
I love you, and I'm
so proud of you.
I just don't want you to go through
the pain of making
the same mistakes
that I did.
I was wild, Zoe.
I was a wild child, and there is
something you should know about me.
I have a tattoo.
Is that a face?
It's Donny Osmond.
It was a mad crush and...
Well, I was gonna get it removed,
but it kinda started
looking like your dad, so...
I'm never... I'm never
getting a tattoo.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Donny.
All my friends are in jail, Bones.
Well, I know how that feels.
I'm a failure.
I have failed again.
That's all I do.
I had a plan.
I was gonna help myself and help
my friends unplug and have fun,
and then Bridget happened, so then
I thought I could fix that,
too, and instead...
I can't.
I can't get in front of it.
No matter how hard I try, no matter
how much I give, I'm just...
I'm not enough.
For who?
What?
Not enough for who?
I mean, Sean, the kids, for my mother,
God, everybody. I don't know.
You?
Not enough for you?
I was raised in church.
This might surprise you,
but I have since
drifted from the faith.
Shocker.
My mama worked three jobs.
I never met my daddy.
I had to get up early
and walk to school,
but I'd wait up for her
coming home from the diner.
I'd wait up every night.
'Cause she'd come home
and she'd put me to bed
and she'd tell me something.
She'd tell me the same
thing every night.
"He loves you, Charles.
"No matter who you are, no matter
what you do, or how far you run,
"Jesus will always be loving
you with his arms open wide,
"just for being you."
And I'd smile and go off to sleep.
You know, I saw something
on Pinterest the other day.
It was an eagle.
Just caring for its young.
It's a beautiful thing to watch
one of God's creations just
doing what He made it to do.
Just being an eagle.
And that's enough.
You all spend so much time
beating yourselves up.
Must be exhausting.
Let me tell you something, girl.
I doubt the Good Lord
made a mistake
giving your kiddos the mama He did.
So you just be you.
He'll take care of the rest.
That was really profound, Bones.
What?
What'd I say? Something good?
Pinterest, really?
Yeah, I don't go
on it much anymore.
Everybody's tats are
better than mine.
Another visitor.
- Ally, get me outta here.
- Yes.
I just cleared up the
misunderstanding with the van.
Just saw Marco and all the kids.
- Your kids, too?
- Yes. Everybody's fine. Don't ask.
Here's your stuff. They're all
in the interrogation room.
Only because the kids wouldn't stop
playing with
the fingerprint equipment.
So, um, can you take my van and
watch my kids for a few hours?
Sure. Why?
Yeah. Okay.
Follow me.
Hey, Bridge.
I bet you think I'm an awful
person, right? Worst mother ever.
Yeah, I know how that feels.
Yeah, but you have it
all figured out, right?
Not even a little bit.
I'm really sorry that I dragged
you into all this, and I'm...
I'm sorry that I ruined your night.
Okay, first of all,
you did not ruin anything.
And secondly, Bridge,
this mom thing is crazy hard.
And you're doing an amazing job.
Really?
Yes.
Yes, so come on! We got a baby
to find. Let's go, girl! Come on!
Sondra! Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Now
where are we going?
Well, we're going
back to Caprice's,
but don't worry, I got this.
No, I'm gonna come. I'm just
a little stress-paralyzed.
- I knew that was a thing.
- Yeah.
I'll be right behind you,
just give me a minute.
Oh, good. He's still here. Come on.
Hey!
Aah! I'm sorry, referee! Whew!
- Yeah. You okay?
- Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Back to Caprice's, yeah?
I know that you're in there!
Is Phoenix with you?
Is that a wrestling show?
All I hear is anger
and rage. I don't know.
Do you have any other ideas?
Nope.
Hey, thanks for the ride.
Wait! There's the deadbeat!
Hank!
Lady, I don't know!
I told you, I don't know!
I haven't seen her!
I haven't seen her!
Get back here! Bridget, come on!
I have pepper spray and I
am not afraid to use it!
- Calm down!
- I'm sure your baby's fine!
- No, no! Bridget! Bridget!
- Calm down.
Wait, he's getting away!
Oh, no!
- Joey?
- It burns!
Joey, what are you doing here?
He's getting away!
You're crazy! You're crazy!
Let's have some!
Oh, that is gonna bring
tears to his eyes.
I'm trying to look for Phoenix!
Does he know where Phoenix is?
Uh, well,
he's not exactly conscious.
What?
If you know what I mean.
After your big date, you
decided to come and help me!
What? No!
After my interview!
I'm trying to get a job, man!
You're trying to... A job?
What is that?
- Sondra?
- Ally.
I told Ray everything that happened
and, well, he made some calls.
Hey, look. Don't freak out.
Half these guys are from
First Baptist Church.
The other half are from the,
uh, biker gang known as...
The Skulls.
The biker gang known as the Skulls.
But we're all here
for the same reason.
We love you, Bridget. We love
your family, we always have.
That's right.
Hey, hon.
Hi.
You okay?
We got a baby to find.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
First things first.
We need to establish
a 12-block perimeter.
- Y'all here are looking for a baby?
- Yes.
Yeah, my son. Ten months old?
- Dressed like Bono? What?
- What?
The name Caprice
mean anything to you?
Yes!
That's the person that was supposed
to be taking care of him. Why?
Y'all come with me.
Come on in.
Honey, look who I found.
You must be the mama. Oh.
He just woke up.
It's been a long time since I've
held a baby. Oh, so precious.
Oh, that's him. Oh, God. Oh.
You're not even from this country.
How would you know
how to get around this?
Well, there's no need to get
personal. I'm just trying to help.
I'm not getting personal.
I'm just...
You can't go that way.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah. Oh!
We found him!
Yeah!
Call off the chopper.
- What?
- Oh.
Guys! We just found a baby!
All right, wrap this puppy up.
Let's get out of here.
Wait, hang on. Where are my babies?
They're at your house with Kevin.
With Kevin?
This is me trying really hard
not to have a panic attack.
Kids, this is a knife.
Who wants to hold it?
Sean!
I don't know what the big deal is.
Because he's a man boy, Izzy! I...
Shh.
Allyson.
Kevin.
This is such a good book.
That would be false.
In truth, my life hasn't
changed much at all.
I have.
Breakfast in bed!
Boom!
Wow, thank you!
True, I'm not smiling all the time.
But I am smiling more.
Smiling at the little things.
At my crazy, stressful, over-the-top,
kind of beautiful life.
False, I am a failure.
Yes. Very, very false.
"False."
I'm not perfect.
I make plenty of mistakes.
But I am right
where God wants me to be
and He has given me
everything I need to be a mom.
I'm a mess.
But I'm a beautiful mess.
I'm His masterpiece.
And that's enough.
I love you the most of everybody.
I love you.
Mwah.
Gotta go bowl.
Okay, baby.
Hey, hon.
You have 235 followers.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
- I have a blog.
- Yes, you do.
I am a mommy blogger.
Yes, you are.
Wow. Hon, your job...
Is hard. Yes, I know.
That's what you
were gonna say, right?
No. Uh, or easy, easy,
maybe? Or unnecessary?
Sorry for interrupting. Just, what?
Important.
That's what I was gonna say.
Your job is important.
I mean, I know it's rough,
but, I mean, look at them.
So worth it.
"The hand that rocks the cradle
"is the hand that rules the world."
Where did you read that?
Some blog somewhere.
Guys. No, hey!
Guys, that's gross.
Don't do that in here.
You're really way too old.
Guys. Stop it!
Stop it right now.
What?
Dance Cam!
Dance, dance, dance...
Go, baby!
Come on, eat your
breakfast. Eat it.
One bite won't kill you.
One bite. Okay. All right,
here we go. Here we go.
Oh, that burns. That's so hot!
That's a lot of pepper.
What are you doing?
Playing hide and go seek.
That was 15 minutes ago!
They still haven't found me.
You know what? I babysat
my cousin's kids once.
We just popped in a movie and
that did it for a few hours.
- What'd you show them?
- Silence of the Lambs.
Oh, yeah, the big church.
We'd love to have you visit
us one Sunday. 11:00 a.m.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Dude, that'd be awesome.
Hey, and you can visit that chair
over there and get a tattoo.
That's something to consider.
I think so, man.
Got it?
- Geronimo!
- Yes!
I hate this car.
You know, like, I feel like
I'm totally built for this.
You know, like, all we need to do
so that we can totally do this.
I'm built for two.
I can handle two.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, hi. Sorry. Thank you.
Tonight has been...
Oh, yeah. It was profound. You
owe me all kinds of money.
Uh-huh. Yes, I do.
No, no, go, go,
you guys. I got this.
What are we talking about here?
Uh, right. What are we
talking about? Let's see.
Uh, tire... Actually, two tires, police
station. So that'll be $984.50, please.
Is that dollars?
No, Chinese yen.
Of course it's dollars.
Hey.
You are so hot right now.
I know, it's disgusting.
I gotta take a shower.
- Yep.
- Oh.
Really? That's great.
That's what does it for you?
What, what, what, what, what?
It's all right. No, no. It's okay.
- What'd I do? What'd I do, honey?
- Oh, gosh, it hurts.
No. It's just my shoulder.
It's okay.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Okay. Okay.
- 'Kay, don't move. Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, move a little.
- What are you doing?
Uh, just giving Daddy
a little cuddle.
Little cuddle.
Morning, baby. You all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay.
It's been happening.
- Okay. Okay.
- Hold on. Check this out.
What're you gonna do?
Don't be scared.
Love it!
What?
But then it's good.